After a recent bump in the road.

I went to work to drop off an old friend and wa s talking to him about some personal things. I had a fight that i started with m y love, I had insulted her, and I had hit her where it really hurt, without know ing, because she had aggravated me. And my buddy looks at me and goes "damn dude your dangerous!" and on the entire drive home I realized something, he's right. Not only am I dangerous to myself, I'm dangerous even to the people I love most , because I still don't have control. I get angry or upset or aggravated and I l ash out. And after I lash out I feel like shit. And my internal hate mechanism k icks in, and I berate myself on the inside over and over. It's like mentally pun ching myself in the face. It's never enough, I can't berate or beat or describe in words how angry I get with myself. I turn all the rage and hate and loathing on and direct it inward, I destroy myself again and again. It doesn't go away, I 'm forgiven, shes ok again, but it doesn't stop. It's like I keep internally ber ating myself because I know, this isn't the last time... I know it'll happen aga in, and I'll feel like a dick and she'll be upset and I'll destroy myself intern ally again, and again, and again. I don't know what to do. I hate that this happ ens, I hate that I can love someone so much and still, with a little aggravation I can hurt them so badly...I'm dangerous, and I have no way to protect the peop le I care for from the one thing that can hurt them the most, Me.