Title: Texting is an Adventure Author: scriblerusday Beta: hyde_the_body Fandom: Stxi Genre: humor, romance Rating: R Series warnings:

referenced threesomes, mentions of public sex, vaguely tasteless, initially pre-slash, lots and lots of alcohol. Series characters/pairings: Jim/Bones, Jim/Gaila, Jim/Gaila/mysterious and unhappy third partner, Gaila/Sulu, Chekov/Serbian girls, Chekov/Taco Bell, various Jim/OFC mentioned in passing, hints of Uhura/Spock, accidental Gaila/Uhura Summary: Inspired by Text From Last Night. One line per drabble is lifted from a post (directly or slightly altered). JTK: You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. MS: Did he let me back in? JTK: No, Scotty. But he did give you five credits and a pat on the head. MS: Aw, that was nice of him.

LHM: Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they need anal bleaching before. I think I might have to kill myself. LHM: I thought this kind of shit was over after I finished my internship. JTK: I thought you said no one had ever asked you that? LHM: They didn't. A girl asked me if she should tattoo her areolas darker, though. JTK: What did you say? LHM: Yes. They blended in with the rest of her tits. And it was creepy because her actual nipples were almost red.

JTK: There is a full sized piano in the middle of the quad. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this, Bones. LHM: I make no promises when there is tequila involved.

LHM: Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in a movie theater?

NU: Because, Leonard, you are friends with Kirk. And Kirk attracts people like that. LHM: Have I mentioned that I hate it when you're right, Nyota? NU: Yes. Frequently. And always in relation to Kirk.

JTK: He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, and I'll use a fine, fine bourbon as bait. HS: Seriously, Jim? JTK: You have never seen Bones naked, Hiraku. I have, and I WILL have him!

JTK: Am I texting you while being used as a stripper-pole by two half-naked women? Hint: I am. LHM: Jesus Christ Jim! I'm trying to fuckin sleep, man! JTK: Booones, you should come over! This party is TOTALLY worth the loss of sleep. LHM: So I can watch chicks grind on you? No thanks. JTK: There's way more than that! FREE BOOZE. LOTS AND LOTS OF FREE BOOZE. LHM: I went through that stage like eight years ago. Free booze holds little appeal. Now leave me the fuck alone, or I will find creative and painful ways to kill you in your sleep. JTK: :( You make me sad. LHM: GOOD. JTK: :( :( :( :(

JTK: I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me. GO: Can't you lock the door? And don't you want McCoy anyway? JTK: He'd just hack it and yeeeah. But not when he takes a dump in the toilet when I'm in the tub! That has to be one of the worst smelling shits I have ever, ever been exposed to, Gaila. You don't do that to a man when he's bathing! You just don't! GO: Aww, that's a sign of twu wuv, Jim! When a man feels comfortable enough to poop in front of

you, you know he really loves you. JTK: THERE HAS BEEN NO DECLARATION OF LOVE. HE JUST SHAT AND LEFT. GO: Well, I guess that means he'll mean it when/if he does declare his endless, undying love for you. JTK: I hate you.

NU: There were close to a dozen Cardassian Sunrises each involved. And I don't want to talk about it. LHM: You didn't get any in Gaila, did you? Because I don't even want to know what that would do to her. And how big was the can? NU: No, none got in her, thank god. Just the can, which was pretty slim. Gaila seems ok and she thinks it's funny. LHM: She would. And BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW. How kinky! LHM: Can I watch next time? NU: Kirk! Stop stealing Leonard's comm! NU: And I just want to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bug spray.

JTK: Gaila, seriously. You can tell me. GO: It's so awkward though! JTK: I've yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point. GO: I still don't understand how that happened. Humans confuse me sometimes. Particularly you. JTK: Gary almost stepped on my nuts. Which is why we no longer have sex at parties. GO: :( I miss that. Well, the situation with Nyota, ever since the bug spray incident, has gotten kind of weird. JTK: She _did_ drunkenly shove a can of poisonous liquid into your vagina. The natural human reaction to this is awkwardness. Whats she doing? GO: Avoiding me. And spending lots of time with her favorite instructor. JTK: Ooh? Tell me more.

JTK: You said eat breakfast. So I poured Bailey's on top of m&ms. It tastes just like cereal, I swear. LHM: You're still drunk, aren't you? JTK: Yep. JTK: And no judging me. Don't pretend you haven't been here before.

JTK: Hey. Can you be so hungover that you get a rash? LHM: ...what? JTK: I was out drinking last night annnd I woke up really hung over (like, the light from my comm is blinding me), and I have a mysterious new rash. LHM: New? There's a "new rash" to be had? JTK: If I say yes, will you fix me still? LHM: Jesus Christ, Jim. Where are you? JTK: I have no idea. JTK: Oakland? LHM: You realize that's a long BART ride away from campus, don't you? And you are so lucky I like you. JTK: I know. I appreciate it and it amazes me every time that you're still willing to help me. LHM: It's all right, kid. Figure out where the hell you are, and I'll be there soon. But you owe me beer, got that? Lots and lots of beer.

JTK: I am trapped in a bar with French tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, you know what happened. LHM: I don't even know how you get yourself into these things. JTK: I'm a shit magnet. I accepted this long ago. If I don't get in touch with you by 1800 tomorrow, come find me. LHM: You better not end up in Fresno again. I'm not coming after you if you do. JTK: Aww, come on, Fresno's not that bad. LHM: I beg to differ. Hillbillies don't let go of grudges, everyone knows everyone there apparently, and I bet half the town would come after your ass for fucking that guy's girlfriend on the pool table.

JTK: Point. I'll try not to end up there this time.

HS: It's like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and Taco Bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed. PAC: I am sorry. :( Serbian girls like me! I cannot help it! And Taco Bell is wonderful. I am convinced the founder must have been Russian. HS: He was an American from Irvine! PAC: They were Russians who left the motherland. HS: Yeah, I know, but he wasn't. The guy's last name probably WAS Bell, which is the most anglo last name ever. PAC: He was still probably part Russian.

JTK: Did we decide the sorry about the threesome cake was too flippant? GO: Leonard says it is. I'm not so sure. JTK: The cake's not for him, though.

LHM: Why am I friends with Jim? NU: I wonder that a lot. What did he do now? LHM: He told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline. LHM: Though he's really, really drunk. NU: ...why is there a trampoline? LHM: I went with him to a house party in Berkeley so he didn't get himself killed. And there's a trampoline. I think the house belongs to a bunch of UCB frat boys. NU: That would explain it.

JTK: There's a wall by my room which is a prime fucking wall. Before I move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddammit. JTK: Can I convince you to oblige me, Bones? :D

LHM: Sure. JTK: Really? Are you serious? LHM: Yep. JTK: When? LHM: Whenever I feel like it. JTK: That sounds like a 'no', Bones. LHM: It isn't. Sometime between now and you moving out, I will fuck you against that wall. JTK: We'll have to cover or hack the cameras, but dear GOD yes! LHM: No...we'll leave the cameras. It'll just be late at night. JTK: I have no objections whatsoever. LHM:: Didnt think you would, horndog. JTK: Im choosing to take that as a compliment.

JTK: Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever LHM: Why do you share these things with me? JTK: You're my best friend! Who else am I gonna tell? Besides, you TOTALLY told me about what you did to that girl two months ago. That. Was. Filthy. So I'm allowed to share an innocuous detail. LHM: I grudgingly accept your point.

LHM: Where's Jim? I haven't seen or heard from him in two days. GO: Currently, he's hungover and at a garage sale down the street from where we've been all weekend, bargaining for a tuba. LHM: ...Does he play? GO: I don't know. I think he's planning to use it to drink beer at some point, though. LHM: Would that even work? All the stops would have to be pressed at once.

GO: This is Jim we're talking about. I have no doubt that by Friday, he'll be sucking beer out of it somehow. GO: I should lend him my soldering kit. LHM: Stop enabling him GO: I'll get free alcohol and sex out of this. So no. LHM: Has he ever said no to sex with you? GO: All right. I'll get free alcohol.

JTK: Fell asleep on the doorstep at a party and woke up to an old lady poking me with a broom. Please save me. LHM: Don't you have someone else to beg for rescue? JTK: Gaila's out of town. And I have no credits for a BART pass, or I wouldn't bother you. :( LHM: I should wrap some credits in a handkerchief and pin it to your shirt like a five year old. JTK: Drunk me would blow them on booze. Please Bones? LHM: What do I get in return? JTK: Beer? A blow job? My undying affection and gratitude? LHM: Beer. If I ever have to save you from San Jose or further out, I expect that BJ. JTK: You got it. I'm in Richmond. I can meet you at the El Cerrito del Norte station. LHM: Be there soon. And I want several Triple beers from the Magnolia pub. You're not allowed to steal any. JTK: Done.

GO: Laying in bed naked with the guy I just had sex with and talking to his wife over margaritas. Which he made for us. JTK: You have no idea how envious I am of you, Gaila. Last time I fucked a married dude, his wife FLIPPED when she found us. JTK: So there were no margaritas. :(

GO: Aaaaand threesome! Bye Jim! JTK: >:( I hate you so much.

LHM: Please remind me to never, ever try to keep up with Jim shot for shot again. I have no idea what happened after 2300 yesterday. NU: Told you it was a bad idea. Toward the end of the night, you were cradling him in your arms and feeding him rum straight from the bottle. NU: He kept sucking your fingers. LHM: Oh god. Did anyone else see? NU: Half the command track and a third of the med track. LHM: Fuuuuuuuuuck

GO: I think I'm in love. JTK: With who? GO: Hikaru Sulu. He didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. JTK: Impressive. GO: You have no idea.

LHM: I find it astounding that you spelled 'drunken' wrong but 'pterodactyl' right. JTK: I am a man of many talents. And seriously do yuo want to? LHM: No. I stopped getting on kiddie rides when I was about nine. JTK: Its not a kiddie ride! Its a pterodactyl! Two very different things. LHM: Drugs are bad, Jim. JTK: DRUNK LHM: Uh huh. Make sure you check in with me when you get in.

JTK: IM JUST DRUNK!!!

PAC: Workers at McDonalds drive through would not serve us last night, even though we said we were on tiny motorcycles that were too small for them to see and for the sensors to register. PAC: Christine made noises and everything. I am so sad. HS: ...I don't even know where to start. Christine Chapel? What the hell were you doing with her? PAC: She can drink me under the table. I might be in love. PAC: And you could console me. McDonalds chicken nuggets are the best outside Russia and I was denied! :( HS: Those are half saw dust. HS: Then again, you also like Taco Bell, so I shouldn't be surprised. PAC: Then it is delicious saw dust and even better when drunk. Founders of both places must be Russian. HS: You're not allowed to drink anymore. PAC: :(

JTK: Bones, do you know where my PADD is? I've turned the room upside down and I can't find it. LHM: The refrigerator. JTK: What the hell? Are you serious? JTK: Oh my god, you are. I don't even understand. LHM: You said, "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently, drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. JTK: This explains so much.

JTK: I caught my sex unicorn! HS: What does that even mean? JTK: I bagged Bones! :D HS: Why are you telling me this? JTK: Because I need to share my happiness, Hikaru. Everyone needs to feel my joy.

JTK: Are you feeling it? HS: If I say yes, will it end this conversation? JTK: Possibly.

JTK: In the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and said, "back to business". I'm never going to let go. GO: He already poops in front of you, so I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry about him going anywhere. JTK: Do you have to remind me about that? GO: Yes. You whined about it for DAYS. JTK: It was the foulest shit EVER! Even the toilet in juvie didn't smell so bad.

JTK: Say it nicely. LHM: Fine. I want to affectionately bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? JTK: Yep. What time will you be back?

LHM: MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned. NU: Kirk, is that you? HS: What the fuck? CC: Leonard? GO: What kind of reward? The naked kind? LHM: Sorry, everyone. Jim stole my comm.

JTK: Bones threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out Superman can't fly anymore. I was so sad. GO: Awww. Hope he made it to the toilet. And who's Superman?

JTK: He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance. JTK: It's not even like I do drugs. GO: ...how did that happen? JTK: I think it had something to do with whatever it was you gave him. Where the fuck did you get it? GO: I got it from Pavel. JTK: That means it could be anything.

JTK: You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement. LHM: I have work then. JTK: Is that supposed to discourage me? Because if it is, it's failing. LHM: Incorrigible. JTK: And yet you love me anyway. Be in your office before 1600, or I will hunt you down and blow you in a supply closet. LHM: Is that supposed to be a threat? JTK: Yes. A sexy, sexy threat.

JTK: When you wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band outside your door. Muchos gracias. LHM: What the hell? LHM: Jim? LHM: They still haven't moved. It's been like four hours. What did you do to them?

JTK: They glued all the ceiling tiles shut. LHM: You caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even attend. How do you do these things? JTK: It's a skill.

CC: He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. I shouldn't be getting him this drunk. NU: How many bottles has Pavel had? CC: Four. NU: This week? CC: No, tonight.

PAC: In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused. HS: Do I need to rescue you? PAC: Please! I promise, no more Taco Bell or Serbian girls on your bed if you do not tell Christine! HS: Deal.

LHM: Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm in love with him, I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastodon and everything is suddenly better. NU: Why the hell is juggling part of that? LHM: Unless you want a detailed account of our sex life, you're better off not knowing. NU: Oh. LHM: Yeah. :D

GO: Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures. JTK: You're not helping!

JTK: I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works." GO: He probably understood you anyway.

JTK: I hope so. I should try again and not put my foot in my mouth this time. GO: Good luck! JTK: Thanks. :)

LHM: I just thought that perhaps I was done with the "fucking on someone else's couch" stage of my life. Guess not. NU: Why do you keep letting yourselves near alcohol? LHM: I don't know.

JTK: The thought "we cant do it, we're in a public place," crossed my mind, and then I realized, if he's trying to domesticate me, he's succeeding. GO: Library sex. Do it. JTK: It's finals time! Everyone will be there! GO: He's definitely succeeded at domesticating you, then. JTK: ...I will report back if I succeed at seducing him. GO: There's the Jim Kirk I know! GO GO GO!

Three years later... JTK: We've been together for three years, and I still get excited when I'm going to give him a blow job. It's that kind of love GO: Remember what I said when he pooped in front of you? I was right. JTK: You're never going to let that go, are you? GO: Probably not, no.