Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. Mark Twain Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. Mark Twain Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Mark Twain Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. Mark Twain One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. Mark Twain Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we." Mark Twain Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Mark Twain Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. Mark Twain Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Mark Twain Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. Mark Twain Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. Mark Twain Prosperity is the best protector of principle. Mark Twain Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. Mark Twain Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Mark Twain Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Mark Twain Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat. Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. Mark Twain The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. Mark Twain The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Mark Twain The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word. Mark Twain The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Mark Twain The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this. Mark Twain The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. Mark Twain The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. Mark Twain The lack of money is the root of all evil. Mark Twain The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives. Mark Twain

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. Mark Twain The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. Mark Twain The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. Mark Twain The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. Mark Twain The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. Mark Twain The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain The Public is merely a multiplied "me." Mark Twain The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. Mark Twain

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. Mark Twain The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. Mark Twain The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. Mark Twain The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. Mark Twain The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. Mark Twain

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. Mark Twain There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. Mark Twain There are lies, damned lies and statistics. Mark Twain There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. Mark Twain There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. Mark Twain There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. Mark Twain There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. Mark Twain There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. Mark Twain There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Mark Twain Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Mark Twain Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. Mark Twain To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. Mark Twain To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. Mark Twain To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. Mark Twain

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. Mark Twain Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. Mark Twain Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. Mark Twain Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. Mark Twain We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world. Mark Twain We are all alike, on the inside. Mark Twain We have the best government that money can buy. Mark Twain What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before. Mark Twain What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. Mark Twain What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. Mark Twain What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Mark Twain When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. Mark Twain When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. Mark Twain

When in doubt tell the truth. Mark Twain When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. Mark Twain When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. Mark Twain When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. Mark Twain When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. Mark Twain When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old. Mark Twain Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. Mark Twain Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. Mark Twain Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. Mark Twain Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. Mark Twain Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. Mark Twain Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. Mark Twain Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. Mark Twain

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. Mark Twain A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. Mark Twain A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. Mark Twain A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. Mark Twain A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read. Mark Twain A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. Mark Twain A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. Mark Twain Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. Mark Twain Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. Mark Twain Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Mark Twain All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain All right, then, I'll go to hell. Mark Twain All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure. Mark Twain Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Mark Twain

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary. Mark Twain Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. Mark Twain As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. Mark Twain Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul. Mark Twain Better a broken promise than none at all. Mark Twain Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Mark Twain Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written. Mark Twain But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? Mark Twain Buy land, they're not making it anymore. Mark Twain By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Mark Twain Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. Mark Twain 'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read. Mark Twain

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. Mark Twain Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Mark Twain Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. Mark Twain Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain Don't let schooling interfere with your education. Mark Twain Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Mark Twain Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. Mark Twain Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. Mark Twain Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. Mark Twain Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. Mark Twain Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold. Mark Twain Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. Mark Twain

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. Mark Twain Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Mark Twain Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Mark Twain Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. Mark Twain Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Mark Twain Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. Mark Twain Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Mark Twain Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Mark Twain He is now rising from affluence to poverty. Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Mark Twain Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. Mark Twain Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. Mark Twain I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Mark Twain I can live for two months on a good compliment. Mark Twain I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. Mark Twain I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. Mark Twain I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. Mark Twain I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time. Mark Twain I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. Mark Twain I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. Mark Twain I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. Mark Twain I never let schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. Mark Twain I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. Mark Twain I've never let my school interfere with my education. Mark Twain Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own. Mark Twain If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first. Mark Twain If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat. Mark Twain

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. Mark Twain If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. Mark Twain If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.. . . It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. Mark Twain Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Mark Twain Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. Mark Twain Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Mark Twain Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation. Mark Twain Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

Mark Twain Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. Mark Twain Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. Mark Twain Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. Mark Twain Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. Mark Twain Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. Mark Twain Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. Mark Twain Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. Mark Twain Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. Mark Twain Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Mark Twain Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. Mark Twain My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. Mark Twain My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. Mark Twain Necessity is the mother of taking chances. Mark Twain

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. Oscar Wilde A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally. Oscar Wilde A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. Oscar Wilde A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her. Oscar Wilde A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. Oscar Wilde A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. Oscar Wilde A poet can survive everything but a misprint. Oscar Wilde A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. Oscar Wilde A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament. Oscar Wilde Alas, I am dying beyond my means. Oscar Wilde All art is quite useless. Oscar Wilde All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. Oscar Wilde All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. Oscar Wilde Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde Ambition is the germ from which all growth of nobleness proceeds. Oscar Wilde Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.

Oscar Wilde America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. Oscar Wilde An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him. Oscar Wilde An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all. Oscar Wilde Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there. Oscar Wilde Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. Oscar Wilde Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing. Oscar Wilde Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known. Oscar Wilde As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. Oscar Wilde As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. Oscar Wilde Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar Wilde Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde Biography lends to death a new terror. Oscar Wilde By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the

ignorance of the community. Oscar Wilde Charity creates a multitude of sins. Oscar Wilde Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. Oscar Wilde Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde Death and vulgarity are the only two facts in the nineteenth century that one cannot explain away. Oscar Wilde Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. Oscar Wilde Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. Oscar Wilde Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. Oscar Wilde Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. Oscar Wilde Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. Oscar Wilde Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. Oscar Wilde Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching. Oscar Wilde Everything popular is wrong. Oscar Wilde Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. Oscar Wilde Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Oscar Wilde Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. Oscar Wilde Hatred is blind, as well as love. Oscar Wilde He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. Oscar Wilde How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. Oscar Wilde How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive. Oscar Wilde I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly. Oscar Wilde I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. Oscar Wilde I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde I have nothing to declare except my genuis. Oscar Wilde

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. Oscar Wilde I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. Oscar Wilde I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works. Oscar Wilde I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being. Oscar Wilde I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything. Oscar Wilde I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde I suppose society is wonderfully delightful. To be in it is merely a bore. But to be out of it is simply a tragedy. Oscar Wilde I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying, dead. Oscar Wilde If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. Oscar Wilde If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. Oscar Wilde If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk. Oscar Wilde If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world. Oscar Wilde

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life. Oscar Wilde If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism. Oscar Wilde Illusion is the first of all pleasures. Oscar Wilde In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. Oscar Wilde In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever. Oscar Wilde In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience. Oscar Wilde In married life three is company and two none. Oscar Wilde In modern life nothing produces such an effect as a good platitude. It makes the whole world kin. Oscar Wilde It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. Oscar Wilde It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.. . Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. Oscar Wilde Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed. Oscar Wilde Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. Oscar Wilde Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike. Oscar Wilde Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. Oscar Wilde

Most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. Oscar Wilde Mr. Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty. Oscar Wilde No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist. Oscar Wilde No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Oscar Wilde No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly. Oscar Wilde No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. Oscar Wilde Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. Oscar Wilde Nothing is so aggravating than calmness. Oscar Wilde Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm. Oscar Wilde One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. Oscar Wilde One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be. Oscar Wilde One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. Oscar Wilde One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. Oscar Wilde One's past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged. Oscar Wilde One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead. Oscar Wilde

Only the shallow know themselves. Oscar Wilde Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. Oscar Wilde Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more. Oscar Wilde Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. Oscar Wilde Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected. Oscar Wilde Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Oscar Wilde Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. Oscar Wilde Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit. Oscar Wilde Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities. Oscar Wilde Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement. Oscar Wilde Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. Oscar Wilde Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals. Oscar Wilde Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result. Oscar Wilde

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray. Oscar Wilde The basis of optimism is sheer terror. Oscar Wilde The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. Oscar Wilde The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic. Oscar Wilde The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. Oscar Wilde The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means. Oscar Wilde The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates. Oscar Wilde The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world. Oscar Wilde The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you. Oscar Wilde The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. Oscar Wilde The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. Oscar Wilde The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation. Oscar Wilde The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. Oscar Wilde The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it. Oscar Wilde

The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible. Oscar Wilde The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. Oscar Wilde The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves. Oscar Wilde The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life. Oscar Wilde The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. Oscar Wilde The world is divided into two classes, those who believe the incredible, and those who do the improbable. Oscar Wilde There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. Oscar Wilde There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. Oscar Wilde There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. Oscar Wilde There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel no one else has a right to blame us. Oscar Wilde There is always something infinitely mean about other people's tragedies. Oscar Wilde There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love. Oscar Wilde There is no necessity to separate the monarch from the mob; all authority is equally bad. Oscar Wilde

There is no sin except stupidity. Oscar Wilde There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. Oscar Wilde There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. Oscar Wilde There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose. Oscar Wilde There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else. Oscar Wilde There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life's sores the better. Oscar Wilde There's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It's a thing no married man knows anything about. Oscar Wilde This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde Those whom the gods love grow young. Oscar Wilde To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect. Oscar Wilde To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Oscar Wilde To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. Oscar Wilde

True friends stab you in the front. Oscar Wilde We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde What we have to do, what at any rate it is our duty to do, is to revive the old art of Lying. Oscar Wilde When a man has once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her. Oscar Wilde When good Americans die they go to Paris. Oscar Wilde When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. Oscar Wilde When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers. Oscar Wilde Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives. Oscar Wilde Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde While we look to the dramatist to give romance to realism, we ask of the actor to give realism to romance. Oscar Wilde Who, being loved, is poor? Oscar Wilde Why was I born with such contemporaries? Oscar Wilde Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. Oscar Wilde Women are made to be loved, not understood. Oscar Wilde

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes. Oscar Wilde Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects. Oscar Wilde Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Oscar Wilde A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. Groucho Marx Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx Before I speak, I have something important to say. Groucho Marx Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Groucho Marx Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. Groucho Marx Go, and never darken my towels again. Groucho Marx Humor is reason gone mad. Groucho Marx I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. Groucho Marx I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. Groucho Marx I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx I intend to live forever, or die trying. Groucho Marx I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Groucho Marx I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. Groucho Marx I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate

America if they started at 6:30. Groucho Marx I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. Groucho Marx I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. Groucho Marx I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Groucho Marx I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. Groucho Marx I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. Groucho Marx I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. Groucho Marx I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Groucho Marx If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. Groucho Marx If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. Groucho Marx In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. Groucho Marx Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! Groucho Marx Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. Groucho Marx My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. Groucho Marx Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. Groucho Marx No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. Groucho Marx Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. Groucho Marx Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Groucho Marx Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Groucho Marx Room service? Send up a larger room. Groucho Marx She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. Groucho Marx The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook. Groucho Marx Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Groucho Marx Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. Groucho Marx Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Groucho Marx Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a fouryear-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. Groucho Marx Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Groucho Marx Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Groucho Marx Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. Kevin Nealon A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." Claude Pepper A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman Be obscure clearly. E. B. White Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. P. J. O'Rourke Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. Bette Davis By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. Hesiod Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Jay Leno Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. Jerry Lewis Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. Victor Hugo Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. Cathy Guisewite Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Naguib Mahfouz Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. Marilyn vos Savant He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. Stephen King I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. Warren Buffett I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. David Letterman I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. Imelda Marcos I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Paula Poundstone I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. Fred Allen I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. Stephen Fry I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Samuel Goldwyn I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers I like children - fried. W. C. Fields I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen I like marriage. The idea. Toni Morrison I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Walt Disney I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. Will Rogers I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra I rant, therefore I am. Dennis Miller I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. Jay London I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.. . . Paul Lynde I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. George Burns I think serial monogamy says it all. Tracey Ullman I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. Ellen DeGeneres I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. Norman Wisdom I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. Rod Schmidt

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg I wish I had the nerve not to tip. Paul Lynde I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russell I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. Howard Nemerov I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. Mercedes McCambridge I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. Carl Sandburg I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. James Brown I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. Will Rogers I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. Hillary Clinton I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. Elayne Boosler If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. Mel Brooks If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. Johnny Vegas It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. H. L. Mencken Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. Lenny Bruce Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. Henry A. Kissinger Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. Spike Milligan My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. Jay London My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninetyseven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. Angie Dickinson My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? Margaret Smith Never fight an inanimate object. P. J. O'Rourke Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Saint Augustine Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben One man's folly is another man's wife. Helen Rowland One picture is worth 1,000 denials. Ronald Reagan Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Lewis Mumford Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Samuel Butler Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. Chevy Chase People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. Joe Rogan The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. Al Gore The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Voltaire The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. Joe E. Lewis There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. Josh Billings There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. Woody Allen Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. Woody Allen He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. Woody Allen His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen I am two with nature. Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. Woody Allen I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. Woody Allen I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. Woody Allen I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! Woody Allen I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. Woody Allen I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' Woody Allen I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Woody Allen I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Woody Allen I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Woody Allen I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. Woody Allen If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Woody Allen If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. Woody Allen In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. Woody Allen In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better

while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. Woody Allen Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. Woody Allen Marriage is the death of hope. Woody Allen Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. Woody Allen My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. Woody Allen My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . Woody Allen Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Woody Allen Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. Woody Allen Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. Woody Allen Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. Woody Allen The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Woody Allen The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. Woody Allen The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. Woody Allen There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? Woody Allen Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Woody Allen To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen Tradition is the illusion of permanance. Woody Allen What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Woody Allen When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen Life Quotes A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. James Allen A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life. Charles Darwin All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Ralph Waldo Emerson All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Henry Ellis Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. Anton Chekhov Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. William James Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it. Henry David Thoreau Every man dies. Not every man really lives. William Wallace Everything has been figured out, except how to live. Jean-Paul Sartre

Everything in life is luck. Donald Trump Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. Karen Horney He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. Friedrich Nietzsche Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. Richard Bach I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. E. B. White I do not regret one moment of my life. Lillie Langtry I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. Alice Roosevelt Longworth I love life because what more is there. Anthony Hopkins I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. John Burroughs I take care of my flowers and my cats. And enjoy food. And that's living. Ursula Andress I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. Charles M. Schulz In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. Robert Frost It is not length of life, but depth of life. Ralph Waldo Emerson It's all about quality of life and finding a happy balance between work and friends and family. Philip Green Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. Josh Billings

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself. Antoine de Saint-Exupery Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor. Sholom Aleichem Life is a long lesson in humility. James M. Barrie Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. Truman Capote Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be. Jose Ortega y Gasset Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave Barry Life is but thought. Sara Teasdale Life is half spent before we know what it is. George Herbert Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time. Miguel Angel Ruiz Life is much shorter than I imagined it to be. Abraham Cahan Life is never easy for those who dream. Robert James Waller Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. Fran Lebowitz Life is wasted on the living. Douglas Adams Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. Karen Horney Life loves the liver of it.

Maya Angelou Life must be lived as play. Plato Life well spent is long. Leonardo da Vinci Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive. Mel Brooks May you live all the days of your life. Jonathan Swift Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. Arthur Miller My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can. Cary Grant My life is every moment of my life. It is not a culmination of the past. Hugh Leonard Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. Harvey Fierstein Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued. Socrates Only a few things are really important. Marie Dressler People living deeply have no fear of death. Anais Nin The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. Marcus Aurelius The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. H. L. Mencken

The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century. William Lyon Phelps The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. William James The main facts in human life are five: birth, food, sleep, love and death. E. M. Forster The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. Henry David Thoreau The purpose of life is a life of purpose. Robert Byrne The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases. Carl Jung There is no wealth but life. John Ruskin There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last. Robert Louis Stevenson This life is worth living, we can say, since it is what we make it. William James To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. Henry David Thoreau To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. Emily Dickinson Unbeing dead isn't being alive. e. e. cummings Unrest of spirit is a mark of life. Karl A. Menninger Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; do not outlive yourself. George Bernard Shaw Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up. Barbara Kingsolver We can't plan life. All we can do is be available for it.

Lauryn Hill We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion. Max de Pree What we play is life. Louis Armstrong When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. Erma Bombeck When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. Mark Twain While there's life, there's hope. Marcus Tullius Cicero Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. Erich Fromm You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. Albert Camus Your life is what your thoughts make it. Marcus Aurelius Motivational Quotes A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. Ayn Rand Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. William James Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it. Ella Wheeler Wilcox Always desire to learn something useful. Sophocles Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.

Og Mandino Be gentle to all and stern with yourself. Saint Teresa of Avila Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. Wayne Dyer Be thine own palace, or the world's thy jail. John Donne Begin to be now what you will be hereafter. William James Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale Crave for a thing, you will get it. Renounce the craving, the object will follow you by itself. Swami Sivananda Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing. Thomas Jefferson Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand. Baruch Spinoza Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you. Thomas Jefferson Either you run the day or the day runs you. Jim Rohn Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward. Victor Kiam Expect problems and eat them for breakfast. Alfred A. Montapert Fear cannot be without hope nor hope without fear. Baruch Spinoza Follow your dreams, work hard, practice and persevere. Make sure you eat a variety of foods, get plenty of exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Sasha Cohen

Go big or go home. Because it's true. What do you have to lose? Eliza Dushku I can, therefore I am. Simone Weil I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be. Ken Venturi I was motivated to be different in part because I was different. Donna Brazile I've worked too hard and too long to let anything stand in the way of my goals. I will not let my teammates down and I will not let myself down. Mia Hamm If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud. Emile Zola If you can dream it, you can do it. Walt Disney If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. Jim Rohn If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. Dale Carnegie If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths, rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success. John D. Rockefeller If you've got a talent, protect it. Jim Carrey In motivating people, you've got to engage their minds and their hearts. I motivate people, I hope, by example - and perhaps by excitement, by having productive ideas to make others feel involved. Rupert Murdoch It's always too early to quit. Norman Vincent Peale Know or listen to those who know. Baltasar Gracian Leap, and the net will appear. John Burroughs

Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now. Denis Waitley Learning is the beginning of wealth. Learning is the beginning of health. Learning is the beginning of spirituality. Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins. Jim Rohn No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one. Jessica Savitch One may miss the mark by aiming too high as too low. Thomas Fuller One person with a belief is equal to a force of ninety-nine who have only interests. Peter Marshall One way to keep momentum going is to have constantly greater goals. Michael Korda Only the educated are free. Epictetus Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Kyle Chandler Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other. Walter Elliot Poverty was the greatest motivating factor in my life. Jimmy Dean Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. Robert H. Schuller Quality is not an act, it is a habit. Aristotle Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there. Bo Jackson Set your sights high, the higher the better. Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now. Realize that nothing is too good. Allow absolutely nothing to hamper you or hold you up in any way.

Eileen Caddy Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible. Tony Robbins Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned. Peter Marshall The dog that trots about finds a bone. Golda Meir The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. Thomas Paine The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best. Epictetus The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large. Confucius The ultimate aim of the ego is not to see something, but to be something. Muhammed Iqbal The weeds keep multiplying in our garden, which is our mind ruled by fear. Rip them out and call them by name. Sylvia Browne The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. Confucius The wise does at once what the fool does at last. Baltasar Gracian There is nothing deep down inside us except what we have put there ourselves. Richard Rorty Things do not happen. Things are made to happen. John F. Kennedy To be a good loser is to learn how to win. Carl Sandburg

To be wholly devoted to some intellectual exercise is to have succeeded in life. Robert Louis Stevenson True happiness involves the full use of one's power and talents. John W. Gardner We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden What is called genius is the abundance of life and health. Henry David Thoreau What you do today can improve all your tomorrows. Ralph Marston What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau When you fail you learn from the mistakes you made and it motivates you to work even harder. Natalie Gulbis When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. Thomas Jefferson Wherever you are - be all there. Jim Elliot Who seeks shall find. Sophocles Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds. Gordon B. Hinckley You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C. S. Lewis You can never quit. Winners never quit, and quitters never win. Ted Turner You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. Henry Ford You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. Flip Wilson You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. Jack London

You need to overcome the tug of people against you as you reach for high goals. George S. Patton You never know what motivates you. Cicely Tyson Inspirational Quotes

A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere. Joyce A. Myers A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. Victor Hugo And now, this is the sweetest and most glorious day that ever my eyes did see. Donald Cargill Belief creates the actual fact. William James Believe you can and you're halfway there. Theodore Roosevelt Change your thoughts and you change your world. Norman Vincent Peale Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky. Rabindranath Tagore Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson Every charitable act is a stepping stone toward heaven. Henry Ward Beecher Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul. Thomas Merton Faith is love taking the form of aspiration. William Ellery Channing For a gallant spirit there can never be defeat. Wallis Simpson Give light and people will find the way. Ella Baker

God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him. Jim Elliot God sleeps in the minerals, awakens in plants, walks in animals, and thinks in man. Arthur Young Grace is the beauty of form under the influence of freedom. Friedrich Schiller Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul. Henry Ward Beecher Great hopes make great men. Thomas Fuller Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present. Jim Rohn Happiness is the natural flower of duty. Phillips Brooks Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. Democritus Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy. Lao Tzu Hope is a waking dream. Aristotle Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them. Vincent McNabb How glorious a greeting the sun gives the mountains! John Muir I have looked into your eyes with my eyes. I have put my heart near your heart. Pope John XXIII I pray God may preserve your health and life many years. Junipero Serra Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes If it were not for hopes, the heart would break. Thomas Fuller

In a gentle way, you can shake the world. Mahatma Gandhi It is by acts and not by ideas that people live. Harry Emerson Fosdick It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. Aristotle Onassis It is not ignorance but knowledge which is the mother of wonder. Joseph Wood Krutch Joy descends gently upon us like the evening dew, and does not patter down like a hailstorm. Jean Paul Judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson Just what future the Designer of the universe has provided for the souls of men I do not know, I cannot prove. But I find that the whole order of Nature confirms my confidence that, if it is not like our noblest hopes and dreams, it will transcend them. Henry Norris Russell Let each man exercise the art he knows. Aristophanes Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig. Marcus Aurelius Love and desire are the spirit's wings to great deeds. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit. Bern Williams Mankind is made great or little by its own will. Friedrich Schiller Men must live and create. Live to the point of tears. Albert Camus Noble deeds that are concealed are most esteemed. Blaise Pascal Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'! Audrey Hepburn

Nothing makes one feel so strong as a call for help. Pope Paul VI Of all human activities, man's listening to God is the supreme act of his reasoning and will. Pope Paul VI On the recollection of so many and great favours and blessings, I now, with a high sense of gratitude, presume to offer up my sincere thanks to the Almighty, the Creator and Preserver. William Bartram Plant thy foot firmly in the prints which His foot has made before thee. Joseph Barber Lightfoot Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. Swami Sivananda Show me your hands. Do they have scars from giving? Show me your feet. Are they wounded in service? Show me your heart. Have you left a place for divine love? Fulton J. Sheen Tears are often the telescope by which men see far into heaven. Henry Ward Beecher Tears of joy are like the summer rain drops pierced by sunbeams. Hosea Ballou The best way out is always through. Robert Frost The essential elements of giving are power and love - activity and affection - and the consciousness of the race testifies that in the high and appropriate exercise of these is a blessedness greater than any other. Mark Hopkins The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises. Leo Buscaglia The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money. Thomas Jefferson The only thing that ultimately matters is to eat an ice-cream cone, play a slide trombone, plant a small tree, good God, now you're free. Ray Manzarek The power of imagination makes us infinite. John Muir

The truth is on the march and nothing will stop it. Emile Zola There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. Edith Wharton There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness. Han Suyin Think with your whole body. Taisen Deshimaru Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself. Plato We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. Ronald Reagan We convince by our presence. Walt Whitman What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? Robert H. Schuller When deeds speak, words are nothing. Pierre-Joseph Proudhon With self-discipline most anything is possible. Theodore Roosevelt You change your life by changing your heart. Max Lucado Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. Nido Qubein