Life is like a coconut

Trevor Harty, Collin Knopp-Schwyn, Cat Ruddy, Camille Koosmann, Andre

Boone, Mahalia Damm, Iain Knopp-Schwyn Dedicated to B'Shotput Blacksmith
Characters: Narrator Candii, the hot one Brunch, the mermaid Dr. Maika Coconut Ph.Tiki, the evil, Hawaiian one Trumpy the blind bear/Trumpy the human, the pure and good one Darius Jackson, the Spanish speaking one Gaelyn the lady wizard/Brenda, the magical/non-magical one Props: Coconut Bear hat Glass of liquid Pot of honey

Scene begins. Only the NARRATOR is on stage. She begins, a glass of some drink in hand.

Narrator. Oh, I didn't see you there. You know, life is like a coconut. (holds up coconut)..it's hard to crack, sweet in the middle, and then it's over. It's also primarily exported by the Phillippines. (A jovial chuckle.) How 'bout that? Now, what if I told you that you were all about to experience a coconut...the coconut...that is life. Let us walk together, hand in hand, through the lives of six interconnected people as they themselves travel through life. Some will live, some will die, some will find love, others will die, some will purchase an ailing 7-11 franchise in Tallahassee and nurse it back to health until a fire destroys the building...and yet others will die. Now...your journey begins.

CANDII and DR. MAIKA enter onto the stage. CANDII visibly adores DR. MAIKA, and the latter seems to be reciprocating.

Candii. It's a lovely day, isn't it? Dr. Maika. Yes. Lovely. Candii. Maybe the loveliest ever? Dr. Maika. Nope. But definitely in the top ten. Narrator. Here are two souls...two souls...in love. Candii. I have to tell you something. Narrator. This is Candii. She has something to say. Dr. Maika. What is it? Narrator. This is Dr. Maika, Ph.D. She isn't quite sure what life has in store for her. Candii. I...I love you, scuttlemuffins. Dr. Maika. Oh, well, I, uh, eh, erm (etc.) Narrator. Like I said, just like a coconut, life can hit you unexpectedly. Another thing that can hit you unexpectedly like a coconut, is, in fact, a coconut.

NARRATOR stands behind CANDII and cracks the coconut over her head. She dies instantly, falling over comically. DR. MAIKA was facing the other way, and did not see this occur. NARRATOR steps back so she can't be seen immediately.

Dr. Maika. (Turning back) Oh my stars! Honeybun, babycakes, scnookums, pumpkin pie, sugar plum! (Drops to cradle her.) ...I...I never got to tell her I loved her. (Cries.)

Enter DARIUS JACKSON, a small woman. She never acknowledges anyone else in the scene.

Narrator. It seems chance has frowned upon this young couple. Torn apart apart in the very midst of life, by the cruel, unbiased forces of nature. (Jovial chuckle.)

Darius Jackson. Hola. (She pronounces everything phonetically.) Donde esta la biblioteca? Dr. Maika. Help me! Somebody help me! Darius Jackson. Me gusta los tacos. Tienes tacos? Dr. Maika. My love! She was struck down! By a coconut! Won't someone help? Darius Jackson. Monto mi bicicleta y voy a la playa. Dr. Maika. Please! You! Yes, you with the funny word sounds, HELP ME! Darius Jackson. Nesecitas mi zapatos. Dr. Maika. Why won't you help? Narrator. Driven to madness by the stunning lack of empathy for her plight, Dr. Maika must take revenge against someone...and who better than this seemingly careless foreigner? (She offers DR. MAIKA the coconuts.) And how better to do it than with the tools of his own destruction?

DR. MAIKA seizes the coconuts, and, in a fit of rage and passion, lunges at DARIUS JACKSON, puts a coconut to either side of his head, and shakes them.

Darius Jackson. Cuanto cuesta la hamburgesa?

She dies, falling to the ground, as if electrocuted. DR. MAIKA stands slowly, possessed.

Narrator. It was in this moment that Dr. Maika, Ph.D became Dr. Maika Coconut, Ph.Tiki. And she had leied (pantomimes a lei around the victim's neck) her first victim to rest. Dr. Maika. I must exact revenge...more revenge. (She picks up the body and moves it across the stage to an arbitrary place in the middle.) Hang ten, dead body. (She tosses the body in the water and leaves.) Darius Jackson. *blub blub blub* (She flails her arms wildly as her dead body sinks. Then, thud, she lands on the seabed.)

Narrator. Of course, one chance encounter leads to another...(Chuckles jovially.)

BRUNCH the mermaid comes swimming in, singing without care, cheerily and chirpily.

Brunch. I am a mermaid, a mermaid I am, and the undersea is my hoooooome. Free as can be in the sweet undersea, without a care do I roooooooam. (Sees the dead body.) Goodness me, what could this be, under the sea in my hoooooome? My oh me, could it be (figures it out, freaks out) AHHHHHH SWEET POSIDEON IN A HYBRID CAR! That's a body! EVERYONE, THIS IS A BODY...THIS IS REAL! WHY IS NO ONE ELSE FREAKING OUT??? THIS IS SO EFFING REAL.

NARRATOR walks into the scene with leisure.

Narrator. It is. Brunch. By the prancing seahorses of the south Pacific, my poor half-fish, half-human heart cannot take this! Narrator. And then, Brunch the mermaid hears a soothing voice. (Stands by DARIUS JACKSON's body.) Dear child, I humbly apologize for the grief I have bestowed upon you. But I wish nothing more than to console you and heal your wounded heart.

DARIUS JACKSON sits up.

Darius Jackson. Ay! Mi cabeza!

BRUNCH screams in horror and runs off. DARIUS JACKSON turns to NARRATOR.

Darius Jackson. Senor, que pasa. Narrator. (bending over DARIUS JACKSON, and laying him back down with a finger to his lips. It's really creepy.) Shhhhhhhh. Sh. Sh. Sh. Shhhhh.

DARIUS JACKSON lays back down and closes his eyes. NARRATOR looks around shiftily and then creeps off. BRUNCH is back, and she swims to shore. She's singing again, unfortunately.

Brunch. Where am I, where have I gone? (She steps from the waves and stands up shakily before continuing to sing. Indicating her legs:) What are these, what have I become? On an abrupt change of topic, I yearn for my true love. She is the only one I'm thinking of. But who could ever love me? A fish out of water a fish out of sea. Oh these legs so thin and so lean. Oh what a curse, how awful, how mean!

TRUMPY THE BEAR is at one end of the stage talking to himself.

Trumpy. I am a bear, a lonely bear. It is love that I seek. But who? Who would love me? A bear, a blind bear. A literally blind bear, I cant see. The darkness that consumes my heart consumes my vision as well. I am looking for a light to shine through the dark. Whats that I hear? The voice of my light, my vision.

Brunch. (singing) If you like pina coladas. And getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga. If you have half a brain. If you like making love at midnight.

TRUMPY makes his way blindly to BRUNCH.

Trumpy. Excuse me, miss, I couldn't help but overhear. And, well, I enjoy Pina Coladas, and I don't mind getting caught in the rain every once and a while. (She feels her blindly but sensuously.)

Brunch. (Awkwardly) Oh, I uh, Hello.

Trumpy. Hello, I'm bear, Trumpy the Bear Super Hero extraordinaire. I may be blind, but I know with a voice that beautiful, you must have a face to match.

Brunch. (giggles) How sweet of you to say. But I really must be on my way. Trumpy. No please. Just a moment longer. I don't believe I caught your name.

Brunch. I'm...I'm Brunch.

Trumpy. As in the meal between breakfast and lunch?

Brunch. (offended) No! It is mermandian for divine priestess of the Porpoises. Trumpy. (in awe) Wow. And to think, I got my name from a large black fellow named Andre Boone. Brunch. How...fascinating. I should really stop procrastinating. Trumpy. Do you always do that? Brunch. Do what I ask, What did I say. Excuse me now, I must be on my way. Trumpy. Oh, never mind. Do stay a moment longer, methinks I am in love. Brunch. In love? You certainly are not. You just met me have, you forgot? Trumpy. Haven't you ever heard of love at first sight? or. Hear, or smell, or, something. I smelled you across the beach and then I heard you voice and I realized, you cannot be a fish, you are a beautiful young woman. I think. What I know is, you are my light.

Brunch. You are as unwanted as a cough, Really now I must be off. Exit BRUNCH. TRUMPY begins to weep while eating his feelings in a pot of honey. NARRATOR enters. Narrator. Ah, yes. Young love...so often accompanied by young heartbreak. But Trumpy, the Blind Bear Superhero, may not have long to ponder his feelings. Because at that moment, screams erupt at a nearby hotel where Mircosoft founder Bill Gates was addressing an education and technology conference.

Enter BRENDA.

Brenda Oh Trumpy! You must help me! My children have been taken hostage by Dr. Coconut Ph.Tiki! Trumpy What? I can't see you. Who is that? Brenda It's me, Brenda Finglebottom.

NARRATOR cuts her off.

Narrator. IT WAS GAELYN, THE LADY WIZARD! Brenda. What? No! It's me, Brenda Figglebottom, fromNarrator. SHE WAS A POWERFUL LADY WIZARD. Brenda. I'm notNarrator. She has used all of her sorcery and magic to deliver this message to the crestfallen Trumpy. Brenda. Please, help my children! Someone! Anyone!

Narrator. Anyone...even a bear? Yes! Go, Trumpy, go! Trumpy. Uh, alright!...Can someone point me in the right direction? Brenda. OVER THERE! Trumpy. Sorry, I can't see where you're pointing. Brenda. IT IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE! Trumpy. I still can't tell... Narrator. THE POWERFUL LADY WIZARD USED HER MAGIC TO GUIDE HIM! Brenda. I'm not a-oh, come on. (She grabs TRUMPY, angles him in the right direction, and pushes him.) Narrator. With those magic words, the powerful, handicapable bear dove into the burning building to save the lady wizard's chuldren. Brenda. What about this do you not get? If I was a lady wizard, couldn't I use magic to save my children myself? Narrator. Sadly, due to the nature of magic, the lady wizard could not save her children on her own, because that is how magic works. Brenda. What? Why? TRUMPY emerges from the building, with triumph in her stride. Trumpy. O, glorious Gaelyn, I have saved your children from this fire. Brenda. One, I'm NOT A WIZARD. Two, if you DID save them, where are my children? Trumpy. Why, they're right here. (She holds up the two coconut halves.) Brenda. Whaaaat? Those aren't my kids! DR. MAIKA enters.

Dr. Maika and Narrator. No. They are coconuts. (DR. MAIKA laughs manically. NARRATOR chuckles jovially.) Dr. Maika. A coconut bomb, to be exact. Trumpy. Are you sure they aren't children? I think this one may need a diaper change. Dr. Maika. Now...mele KILLikimaka. Brenda. What does that even mean? Narrator. What Dr. Coconut, Ph.Tiki was referring to was a bastardization of the traditional Hawaiian phrase, mele kalikimaka, which is conventionally used to wish a merry Christmas. Brenda. Oh. Trumpy. Huh. Did not know that. Dr. Maika. I did!

BRUNCH reenters, unfortunately.

Brunch. Fear not, brave bear, and suburban mom, with my mermaid powers, I'll diffuse this bomb! Trumpy. Brunch! Narrator. Unfortunately, Brunch the mermaid was unable to use her mermaid powers to diffuse the bomb. However, Gaelyn the she-wizard stepped in to demonstrate her powers and save everyone. Brenda. For the last time! I'm not a wizard! All. LADY WIZARD! Brunch. Guys, I can do it, just lemme try! We can get through it, you and I!

Narrator. But she couldn't do it, no she couldn't. That poor, helpless mermaid. However, the powerful Gaelyn used HER majestic sorcery to save everyone. Brenda. Okay, fine, you want to see me save everyone. Here. (She takes the effing coconuts, and gives them to NARRATOR.) Narrator. But it was too late, and the bombs exploded. (NARRATOR dies comically, and falls over in the same manner.) Trumpy. Are you sure they weren't children? Brenda. Why is everyone having so much difficulty here? (She removes TRUMPY's bear hat, and she blinks with surprise.) Trumpy. O, great Gaelyn, powerful lady wizard, you have transformed me! No longer am I Trumpy the blind bear...now, I am Trumpy the human...with 20/20 vision! Dr. Maika. Great Gaelyn, will you forgive me? I'm sorry that I caused you so much trouble. Brenda. Yes, I suppose the loss of my children is a good bit of trouble... Dr. Maika. What? Oh! No! They survived! Brenda. Really? Just like that? Excellent! I suppose I should get them ice cream to make up for the emotional trauma endured in this ordeal. Dr. Maika. Can I buy? Brenda. As long as it's not coconut! They laugh, and laugh, and laugh and laugh and laugh, and walk off. And laugh. Possibly jovially. Brunch. Trumpy, you did it, you saved the day, and you did it in your own special way! BRENDA reappears.

Brenda. By the way, Brunch, there is absolutely no reason that you have to rhyme every sentence you say. (Exits) Brunch. Oh, actually? All right, then! Trumpy, I'm sorry I was mean to you earlier. Trumpy. Well, it was mean and hurtful...you made me a very sad bear. But now that I'm a human, I can forgive you. Brunch. Oh, that's wonderful! Trumpy. ...I can, but I won't. Hasta la vista, chickadee. Brunch. Why? Trumpy. Because only bears like catching fish. (Exits.) Brunch. No, wait...THAT ISN'T TRUE AT ALL! Narrator. (From the ground, without moving.) And then, the play ended. BRUNCH exits. Epilogue:CANDII and DARIUS JACKSON enter. Candii. Well, not quite. You were probably wondering what happened to us. We're dead now, but heaven is wonderful. We bought a little place on Angel Lane, near the sea. It's a fixer upper, and we've spent our weekend working on the place. During the week, we walk along the beach, or through the furrows of the coconut orchard that we bought. Darius Jackson. I have even learned a little English. Candii. It's a simple life...a simple, but good life. We're happy here. It's peaceful. NARRATOR appears. Darius Jackson. Ay, dios mio! No! No! Nooooo! The scene ends.