12

The Pioneer Log BACKdoor

april 6, 2012

Good God, I love escapism. We, the youth of the 21st century, we princes of Maine, we kings of New England, have the unique opportunity to turn to a plethora of mind-garbling forms of entertainment in order to completely shut the brain down. Life is hard. Thinking thoughts all the time? Tiring. Over it. Give me shitty television and give it to me now. I mean, have you ever smoked weed, eaten Chips AHoy and then not watched shitty television? Seriously, its not even fun. Dont get me wrong, I like good television too (lookin at you Game of Thrones) but for every episode of Downton Abbey I watch there are about three episodes of Dance Moms and the Voice sprinkled intermittently. Im not gonna lie, peers, Ive seen, like... 8 episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Shameful, I know, but sometimes one can become insecure about ones own intelligence or life accomplishments, and sometimes, its nice to turn on the TV and think, Hey, at least Im not that (lookin at you, Teen Moms). Schadenfreude, yall. Shit works. Mob Wives, anyone? So, heres to you, shitty television. You, and you alone, are always able to distract me when just thinking about all the things I have to do is enough to give me a panic attack. I am eternally grateful. Cheers!

TOAST OF THE WEEK: SHITTY TELEVISION

You: Heroic referee Me: Wanting to break some rules You: Josh Dinn Me: Not Annie Gustavson

You Caught My Eye

You: Who loves Orange Soda? Me: I do, I do, I do-oooo. You: Hoop star Me: Ogglin yo balls You: Blondie with a body. Me: Brunette with a hairnet.

You: Sitting behind me. Me: Wondering if you could possibly breath less loudly? Lord.

You: Redhead saucy mama from Tokyo. Me: Wondering if youd like to see my Samurai sword? You: Pretty fly Me: Feelin high You: Freshman from New Orleans Me: Not a Saints fan, but love Super Dome You: Sexy and Savvy Sax Player Me: Wishing you would blow my horn

You: Possess a penchant for flanged swords Me: Longing to be ensconced in your pommel You: Struttin in them boots. Me: Bikin behind ya.

Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@gmail.com

Pinions from Profs at Pints with Profs

Backdoor: Whats the worst excuse youve ever received from a student?: Ken Clifton: A student told me that he couldnt make the midterm because of stomach poisoning from the Bon. I felt really bad for him until I talked to someone else who told me that the student had used the same excuse the previous semester. After that, I was sure to tell students to be careful about what they ate. Karen Gross: I once received an excuse for a student stating that English papers are bad for her health. It was medically documented. John Krussel: I get the feeling that students are so afraid of me that they dont come up with excuses. In face, some have called me Dr. Doom. Lyell Asher: A student told me that he couldnt come to class because he had to meet with the cable guy. I told him that he wouldnt want to miss such movies as this was in the days of My Big Fat Greek WeddingMy Big Fat A in Lyell Ashers Class. Kurt Fosso: Did you talk to Lyell? BD: Yes KF: About the cable guy excuse? Well, that student told me that same thing. I thought Lyells retort was excellent: How does he think the cable guy got to be a cable guy? Which fashion trend around campus do you think looks ridiculous? Ken Clifton: Tongue studs. Kurt Fosso: Im glad the butt cleavage thing went away, but I still really dont like tongue piercings... And dirty bodies. Poor hygiene is [winces] not alright. Alan Cole: I dont care what people wear. Ive had people come to my classes in lingerie, pajamas and sometimes just one of the two, and I dont care either way. David Campion: Pajamas. If youre invited to Hugh Hefners mansion, theyre appropriate, but theyre not appropriate for class. Karen Gross: In a way, its hard to tell because the general trend seems to look like the things that were rejected when I was in junior high. Describe grad school in six words or fewer [we gave them some leeway on the word limit]: Michael Broide: Procrastination. Ken Clifton: The most intensely enjoyable hard work youll ever do. Alan Cole: Life-changing, fundamentally fulfilling, and one of the last good ways to be an American. David Campion: Choose wisely. Take grad school seriously. Roger Nelsen: Have fun working your butt off. John Krussel: No time to read novels. Wendy Woodrich: Long and arduous and a long commute. Kurt Fosso: Your senior seminar on steroids. Karen Gross: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha [snort] When is the last time you drank PBR? Kurt Fosso: You know, I dont think Ive ever had PBR. Wendy Woodrich: Never John Krussel: Never David Campion: NEVER! Roger Nelsen: I havent had PBR since they stopped making their bock beer. I grew up in the Midwest, so it was one of the better beers around. I think they probably just scraped the sides of the vats and used whatever they collected to make the bock beer, but the last time I had Pabst was whenever they stopped making that.

It was a Wednesday night unlike any other... The hail had melted, the sun had escaped from its cloudy prison, the mud had accumulated, and enough alcohol had arrived at the Albany quadrangle to whet the whistles of LC seniors and their professors. It was not an event for the faint of heart. Only the few, the proud, the truly meritorious braved the crowds, each of them hoping to engage their academic mentors in such a wonderfully colloquial setting. Seizing upon an opportunity like no other, the Backdoor dutifully positioned itself in the center of the action. We fretted, scrambled and stood around awkwardly in hopes that we might be able to find answers to the questions that have plagued students for centuries.

THIS WEEKS COMIC by Colin Supplee

NO ONE SHOULD MISS OUT ON THE AWESOMENESS OF ADVENTURES CLOSE TO HOME. SERIOUSLY, YALL, THIS SHIT IS GOING TO BE OFF THE HANDLE. BE THERE AT 4 PM, YO! LEST YOU BE ETERNALLY DEEMED A LAME-O
Do you like to draw? Do people besides family members tell you youre funny? Can you draw something of this quality or better?

Contact the Backdoor editors and create a student comic! Mbelsky@lclark or Ruprecht@lclark.
All farticles written in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. Oh, wanna do a comic or shower us with compliments? Contact Erin Ruprecht or Marcia Belsky.