Midnight in Cairo

(Inspired by Midnight in Paris by Woody Allen)

Written By These Guys Again Mesch & Cod (Pictured in reverse order & now have much less hair)

4/6/2012

INT. JetBlue Flight 18 from LAX to RSA (Random Suburban Airport) - Midnight Al Green, a Hollywood screenwriter sits in his first class seat with a laptop in front of him typing away. Next to him sits his beautiful fianc Sarah Schechter, iPad in hand, picking out different themes for their wedding on Pinterest. Al: Do you remember which commandment was the 7th one? Sarah: I think its dont interrupt your soon to be wife while shes pinning super cute things. Al Remembers Al: Got it. Dont murder. Thats it! Sarah: Al, look at this Mason jar on top of a tablecloth. We have to have these at our wedding. Al: Honey, do you think you could read a few of the new pages I wrote for my script? Im having trouble really getting into the character's psyche. She ignores him. Sarah: Look at these cookies! These are a must for the wedding. And what do you think of that bookcase? Maybe we could put a bookcase like that in our living room. Al: That would be great. Ive needed a place to put my books. Sarah: Not for books, for potted plants silly. Al: Books in a bookcase, silly me.

Flight Attendant (V.O.): We will be landing in approximately 25 minutes. Al starts to sweat.

Sarah: Are you sweating? Al: You know I get nervous before I see your parents. Sarah: Why do you get so nervous? Just read when you are asked to, only speak when spoken to, dont look my father in the eye, dont mention our cousin Ned in jail, dont talk about fishing, Dubstep, Obama or the Giants... football or baseball. And just have fun! Al (Sarcastic): I mean whats there to sweat about? INT. The Schechter dining room. The Seder table is beautifully decorated, almost too well decorated. Theyve finished the Seder and are having dessert. At the table is the family, and LAWRENCE a preppy snob from temple. Lawrence: So I put the new heart into the teenager just a second before it was too late and now he will be competing in the next Olympics. He asked me to come, but I just cant leave the hospital. Mr. Sarahs Dad: Now thats impressive! Sarah, arent you glad I invited Lawrence from Temple to bring some intelligence to the meal? Al, what are you doing with your life? Writing another play about your insecurities? Al: Actually, Paramount hired me to write a remake of The Ten Commandments. Mr. Sarahs Dad: Was the original not good enough? Why do you need a remake? Next thing you know theyre going to remake Psycho or The Manchurian Candidate. Al: Actually bothSarah shoots Al the death stare. Al: They dont make them like they used to.

Mr. Sarahs Dad: Sarah, that may be the first wise thing your friend has ever said. Al (Sarcastic): Friend. Fiance. Same thing, right? Mr. Sarahs Dad: Are you sure you want to marry a writer? Why not someone with a stable career like a doctor. Do you sweat, Lawrence? Al sweats. Al gets up from the table. Al: Im actually not feeling well so Im going to go for a walk. Do you want to come, Sarah? Sarah: Sure. Lawrence: What a shame, I thought I would sit by the Piano and we could sing a few songs. Maybe have a hot drink. Sarah: Actually, I think Im gonna stay here instead, but you have a nice walk sweetie. Al: Love you too... EXT: Cute little local pond. The moon is shining over the rural pond and Al is skipping rocks across the water. Al: Lets sing songs around the piano over a hot drink. Jews dont do that. We eat, we bang the table, we eat some more. Complain a little, eat a little more, and then fall asleep. Dear G-d, Im already having a tough time getting inspired. This Lawrence isnt helping. Please feel free to step in with a little inspiration at any moment. Al skips a rock. Al: What the?! The pond parts.
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Al: I dont really like unexpected things, but what the hell. This night couldnt get any worse. Al walks through the pond and crosses through only to find himself in the desert; but near the Nile, so its not super desert-y. Sheep: Baaaaaa! A sheep comes running by and Al follows it into a cave where the sounds of a rowdy party are pouring out of the entrance. Al hears the sounds of the first ever Klezmer band playing Hava Nagila with wind instruments made of wood. A bartender comes by, but everyone is dressed in biblical garb. Bartender: Schevitz? Al: Dont mind if I do. Al sips the wine. Al: Mmm, Schevitz. Always crappy. Always delicious. Al stands next to a man in an 80s neon Technicolor coat. They look at a man in the middle of the room putting his hand in a fire. Al: Who is that guy? Joseph: Oh, thats Nachshon. Hell do literally anything for attention. Al: Wow. Joseph: I know this is gonna sound crazy, but Im having deja vu. I feel like Ive seen you before, maybe in a dream?

Al: I dont know. Not that Im aware of. (Sees his beautiful coat) From one guy to another thats a really nice coat youve got there. Joseph: You think so? Al: Not everyone could pull it off, but it works for you.

Joseph: You know what? Thank you. I wasnt sure about it because my brothers were all jealous that I had it and its pretty loud. But I just love it. Al: Yeah, lots of color. Its red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre. Joseph (Please sing if you know the tune from Joseph): And peach, and ruby, and olive, and violet, and fawn, and lilac, and gold, and chocolate, and mauve. Al stops. He realizes he just met Joseph from the bible. He pans the room. He sees all the great characters from the bible. A snake serving an apple to Adam and Eve, Abraham telling the story of how he almost sacrificed Isaac, Noah at a booth with two giraffes, and Jacob wrestling an angel. Joseph breaks into another hit. Sing if you know the tune. Joseph: I look handsome. I look smart. I am a walking work of art. At this point sing as many Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat songs as your table desires. A little songed out, Al walks over to a guy standing alone in the corner. Al: Who are you? Why dont you go and talk to everyone else? Cain: Im not really that popular. After killing my brother people stay away from me. Its an accident I tell you, though. An accident! A shofar sounds. The biblical party planner, Claudia B'nai Templesmith, gets everyone's attention. Al goes back over and stands next to Joseph.
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Templesmith: Ladies and Gentlemen, Sparrows and Hawks and Apes, I present to you the man of the hour. Drum roll please. All: *drum roll* Templesmith: Coming in at 6 foot 3 inches, 215 pounds and a beard that you could take a nap on, please welcome MOSES!!!!! Moses enters and embraces all of the applause from the fellow legends of the bible. Al leans over to Joseph. Al: Is that him? Joseph: Thats him. Moses: Im not really much for words, but you know, you spend your whole life searching for who you are, and sometimes it takes something impossible to get clarity. Like a burning bush. Lucky for me, tonight I now know who I am. I am a Jew and I know what I must to do. Moses raises his glass. Moses: Lchayim! All: Lchayim! Al is in utter disbelief. Could this really be Moses? He had to find out. Al: Excuse me, are you really Moses? Moses: Yes, pleasure to meet you. Al: You have no idea how awesome it is to meet you. Moses: I havent really done anything yet. Al: But you will!

Moses: Thanks for your enthusiasm. What did you say your name was? Al: I didnt. Its Al Green. I cant believe Im meeting you. In the flesh. Im just surprised that you dont have a stutter. All the books say you have a stutter. A caterer walks by and hands Moses a hot drink and he sips it. Moses: OWWWW! Thats h-h-hot. Al: Never mind what I said. Al slaps his face to make sure hes not dreaming. Al: Its really you! Ive got so many questions. You see, Im a bit of a screenwriter and Im actually writing this fantastic film about the 10 commandmentsMoses: The 10 what? Al: The 10 commandments. Gods laws? Never mind, do you want to get a cup of coffee? I mean, grab a drink? Hang out by a well or something? Moses: Sure, but now I am off to Egypt. Ive got a people to save. Everyone: Good luck Moses! Cain: He kills an Egyptian taskmaster and now hes the chosen one, who everyone celebrates. I kill my brother and Im the nerd at the party who no one will dance with. Go figure. Delilah walks by holding a pair of scissors. Cain: Excuse meDelilah: Not a chance. Cain: The one that got away
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The scene in the cave vanishes before Als eyes. Next thing we know he is back at the foot of the pond. Al returns back to the Schechter home to go to sleep, but not before writing a few pages of his script. INT. Sarahs bedroom - Morning Al: - You would not believe it! I swear it all happened right before my eyes! Sarah: Maybe you shouldnt have all the required glasses of wine at tonight's Seder. Al: Tonight, you can come with me. Im going back! Sarah: I wish I could, but Lawrence invited me to a gallery opening. Al: What gallery opening? Sarah: His own, when he doesnt do open heart transplants he is a world-renowned impressionist painter. Al: You could do that, or you could come with me and meet every character you ever studied about at Sunday school?!?!?! Sarah: Why dont you have fun with your imagination, honey, and Ill catch up with you later. Al: Whatever makes you happy sweetie. Sarah gives him a kiss on the cheek and leaves. EXT. By the local pond - Late evening Al tries to convince himself about Sarah. Al: Sarah definitely loves me. Well, I think she loves me. Even though she doesnt always support me, love is about more than support. Right?
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Al skips a rock and waits for the pond to magically part. It works! This time, he ends up at the front steps of the ancient Egyptian Palace of Pharaoh. Things are very busy. Moses: Al, perfect timing! The Seder all stars including Moses, Miriam, Aaron, and now Al enter the palace. Al: Can I ask you a question? Moses: Sure. Al: How did you distract the guards long enough to get into the palace? Moses: You see that naked man over there with the guards chasing after him? Al: Yeah? Moses: Thats Nachshon. Hell do literally anything for attention. Moses and his posse approach the throne. Moses: Pharaoh, let my people go! Pharaoh: No, no, no. I will not let them go! Al lets out a big Al: Wow! A hush falls over the crowd, everyone looks at Al. Al: Sorry, its just like thats the big moment you know. Moses: As I was saying, let my people go!

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Pharaoh: I will not let themBefore Pharaoh finishes his sentence. Al: Get him Moses! Everyone is quiet once again. Moses goes over to Al. Moses: Its great that you are excited, but can we save all that excitement for later? Al: Sure. No problem, Moses. (to himself) I still cant believe Im talking to Moses. Moses: Let my people go! Pharaoh: You cant go. Not now, not ever. Al blurts out Al: Will see about that after the plagues! A hush over the crowd again. Moses comes back to Al. Al: How about I just dont talk at things like this in the future. Moses: If you could let me get a few of my punch lines in that would be nice. Al: Sure Moses. My bad. CUT TO A MONTAGE! Its Als wildest of movie dreams coming to life as the Plague montage begins. Wham!s Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go plays as we see the blood in the water, frogs in the bed, cattle dying, boils on the people. Imagine Al is on a Disney ride passing by scenes of all the plagues happening in front of him. Lice comes and then Darkness and then sadly the death of the firstborn.

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INT. SLAVE QUARTERS BAR Al and Moses are having a heart to heart over a beer. They earned it after keeping it together through all the plagues. Moses: I know Pharaoh has decided to let us go, but its a shame that we had to put his people through so much to be free. I wish Pharaoh just let us go the first time. Al: You know, I always thought that. Like what a tough reality that it took awful plagues for someone to wake up and see what they were doing was wrong. Al sees in the corner a couple laughing and having a nice time. Al: I miss that. Moses: Me too. Its been hard with all these plagues and saving the Jewish people to get some real QT with Tzipi. I miss the days we were just tending the flock and enjoying the Desert. Stumbling upon a different oasis now and then to take a bath. Counting the sheep before we went to sleep and talking about opening up a little boutique tent for desert wanderers. Al: Sounds nice. Moses: Yeah. I miss it. Luckily though I got the most supportive wife and we still have fun whenever we get a free moment. I dont know if I could have done any of this without her...and Gd of course. You feel that way about your lady? Al doesnt say anything at that moment. Aaron comes over. Aaron: I met a girl the other day building a new pyramid. Tried to chat her up, but she was stone cold. Following the worst joke in the script, the scene disintegrates and Al is back at the pond. He heads back to the Schechter home and writes a few pages in his script before falling asleep. INT. Sarahs bedroom - The Next Morning

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Al is mid sentence. Al: Come with me tonight. I need you to see what Im seeing. I want you to meet Moses! Sarah: I wish I could, but Im doing couples yoga with Lawrence. Al: Couples yoga? Sarah: Yeah, just a couple of friends doing yoga. Al: I just wanna say I think its really weird how much stuff you guys do together. And Id prefer you at least not do things that have the word couple literally in the title. Sarah: Ugh, Al. Al: Also, Im not coming to third Seder tonight. For several reasons. One, who has a third Seder? Two, Im still full from the first two nights and we havent even touched the leftovers. Three, Im going back to the pond. Sarah: Al, when you get back we need to talk.... Al: I think we do too. EXT. Pond - That night. Back at the pond there is a beautiful girl sitting on a bench. Heavy heart. Al: Hey. Monique: Hey. Al: Whats your name? Monique: Monique. Al: You spell that with a q? Or, how do you do that?

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Monique chuckles. Monique: Yes, with a Q. Whats your name? Al: Al. What brings you here? Monique: Honestly, Im just visiting my boyfriends family for Passover. It has not been going well at all. I told him I just couldnt do another Seder. Like two is enough. Al: Thank you! What it is with this town? Who does more than two Seders? Its just crazy. Monique: Plus they dont even take the time to tell the story, which is the most important part. Al: I couldnt agree more! Its not even fair that they call it Seder if they dont tell our story. Its just consecutive dinner party hosting. Monique chuckles again sweetly. Al thinks for a second. Al: Hey, can I show you something? Monique: Generally I dont trust a stranger in the park who asks me that question. Al: Not like that, I promise. Monique: Ok. Al skips the rock, they walk through the pond, and low and behold they are at the shores of the Red Sea. All of the Israelites are there. The mob is in a panic. Monique: What is this? Al: I was hoping we would arrive at this part in the story. Monique is wide eyed and in disbelief.
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Monique: Are we? Is that? Moses walks over. Moses: Im Moses and you are more beautiful than Al described. Glad you finally showed up. Its just sorta understood that its right for Monique to be there instead of Sarah, so nothing is said. Moses: Now we can chit chat more later, but Pharaoh said we could go and now he has changed his mind and Im going to be honest, I have a sea of people, in front of a sea of angry Egyptians, in front of an actual sea and I dont know what to do. Al: That was a long sentence. Moses: One of the longest. Al: Well, I dont want to spoil your big moment, but you lift the rod and the sea will part. Moses: Just like that. Al: Im pretty sure its just like that. Moses lifts his rod to the sky, we wait for something epic to happen, and nothing happens. Moses: Well, that was just sort of embarrassing. Al: I dont understand. That is supposed to work. Thats how it happened in the Hagaddah! Miriam: Hurry, I can see the army closing in on us! Al reaches into his pocket takes out a pebble and tosses it to Moses. Al: You know how to skip a stone?

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Moses: Used to do it all the time back in the day. Moses takes the stone, and side arm tosses it into the water. It skips perfectly 5 times before falling into the waves. But still, nothing happens. Monique: Wait! Remember that part of the story where some guy runs in the water first? I swear, theres supposed to be some guy that goes in, but I cant remember his name. Al: Well, is there anyone here willing to take a leap of faith? In that grave moment, a man starts running from the back of the crowd towards the shores of the Red Sea. The people move aside. Oh my! Hes going to take the first leap into the water!!!! Simultaneously, Moses naturally lifts his rod in the air again. Nachshon: Cannonnnnnnnnnnbaaaaaaaallllllllll! Monique: Who is that? Moses: Thats Nachshon. Hell do literally anything for attention. Nachshon leaps, knees tucked under his chest, into the water and after he does, the sea parts. Nachshon is left sitting on the ocean floor. Seeing an exit towards freedom he gets up very quickly and urges the Israelites to follow him. Nachshon: Come on everyone! We are free! Monique grabs Als hand as Al Greens Tired of Being Alone starts to play. The Israelites walk through the parted sea like its Soul Train. (Feel free to do this at your own Seder if you are feeling the spirit). Moses: Al, you should be at the front. Al: Ill bring up the rear. Moses: You got it, Al. And let me just say, its been a pleasure.
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Al: The pleasure was all mine. Al and Monique are the last two to cross the sea. When they get all the way across, the scene fades and they are back on the shores of the pond. Al stares at Monique and remembers what Moses said at the party in the cave on his first visit to the past. Al: Sometimes you spend your whole life searching for who you are, and sometimes it takes something impossible to get clarity. They kiss. Somehow Cain appears behind him. Cain: Why does everyone get the girl but me! FADE TO BLACK.

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