1 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

9200 12892 3692 2 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 7738 11301 3563 3 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 7728 17626 9898 4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 6814 9579 2765 5 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 6802 8303 1501 6 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 6716 8777 2061 7 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 6559 9215 2656 8 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 6489 8678 2189 9 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 6306 7901 1595 10 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 6104 7500 1396 11 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 5737 8022 2285 12 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 5733 7343

1610 13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 5589 7130 1541 14 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 5560 6887 1327 15 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 5382 6521 1139 16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 4999 6226 1227 17 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 4696 6359 1663 18 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 4624 6231 1607 19 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 4623 6379 1756 20 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 21 Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. 4395 5894 1499 22 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... 3716 5738 2022 23 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 3703 4522 819 24 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 3499 4676 1177

25 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? 3475 4830 1355 26 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 3404 4444 1040 27 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 3403 4296 893 28 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 3329 4190 861 29 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 3314 4795 1481 30 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3178 4283 1105 31 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 3071 4097 1026 32 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 3021 3891 870 33 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 2992 4066 1074 34 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2958 4080 1122 35 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? 2938 3709 771 36 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 2866

4184 1318 37 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 2842 4035 1193 38 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 2768 3537 769 39 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 2710 4100 1390 40 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

41 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 2605 3544 939 42 The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 2493 3191 698 43 God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 2490 3654 1164 44 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 2480 3544 1064 45 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 2454 3610 1156 46 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 2400 3081 681 47 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 2398 3596 1198

48 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 2397 3097 700 49 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 2376 3728 1352 50 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 2327 3151 824 51 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 2302 3177 875 52 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 2299 3028 729 53 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 2299 3365 1066 54 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 2204 3035 831 55 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 2183 3014 831 56 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 2170 2936 766 57 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 2164 2835 671 58 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 2142 2794 652 59 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 2044 2727 683 60

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

61 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 2023 2776 753 62 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 1952 2523 571 63 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 1946 2601 655 64 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 1909 2429 520 65 When in doubt, mumble. 1891 2734 843 66 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 1888 2893 1005 67 I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 1867 2671 804 68 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. 1836 2534 698 69 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." 1818 2633 815 70 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 1815 2512 697 71 Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 1789 2793

1004 72 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. 1782 2720 938 73 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 1763 2459 696 74 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. 1727 2870 1143 75 I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 1727 3804 2077 76 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. 1726 2529 803 77 I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. 1720 2655 935 78 I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. 1715 2655 940 79 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 1708 2872 1164 80 There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

81 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 1702 2488 786 82 You're never too old to learn something stupid. 1691 2360 669 83 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 1673

2507 834 84 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. 1652 2461 809 85 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." 1604 2942 1338 86 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 1587 2516 929 87 Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? 1517 1982 465 88 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 1506 2388 882 89 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 1504 2288 784 90 A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. 1414 2038 624 91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 1413 2261 848 92 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 1405 2138 733 93 If winning isn't everything why do they keep score? 1404 2175 771 94 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. 1398 2519 1121 95 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

1391 2296 905 96 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 1379 2151 772 97 Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." 1375 2208 833 98 Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. 1345 2364 1019 99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 1344 2605 1261 100 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.