Winning the Battle for Sexual Purity

I will be a healer, and love all things that grow

As a Lady learned to abandon pride and instead follow her love, she became used to build and nurture instead of destroy. Here I devote myself to all that grows us in strength, joy, clear thinking and godliness.

Introduction
Many single Christians because they are bound not want to deal with lives. But God takes prefer to avoid the topic of sexual purity by guilt about past sins, or because they do current sexual temptations and sin in their purity very seriously - and so must we.

The Lord loves us so much that He gave us commandments and principles to live by so that we can be protected from the ravages of sin. If we desire God's blessings in our lives, we must obey Him. No matter what you have done or what bondages you may have allowed into your life, you can be forgiven, healed, and set free through the blood of Jesus. He conquered death and sin for us and we became new creatures when we accepted Him as our Lord and Saviour. All Christians can live their lives free from the bondage of sin and there are many things we can do to avoid falling into the traps the world sets. Sexual sin ranging from lustful thinking to perverted behaviour is rampant in the world today. Even a quick sampling of television, magazines, the Internet, movies, advertising, and music can drown a person in sexually explicit material that is meant to cause arousal and appeal to the flesh. Biblical values such as celibacy in the single life, virginity until marriage, and faithfulness during marriage are considered ridiculous and old fashioned - even to some Christians. How can a Christian walk in purity when temptation seems to be around every corner? First we must remember that God created sex to be a beautiful expression of love between a man and a woman who are joined in marriage. Since sexual activity can result in the creation of a precious, eternal, human soul, it is obviously very important and valuable; therefore, Satan does his best to pervert it. In order to deal with this issue properly we need to start by exposing the lies and excuses Satan uses to deceive people in this area. This is imperative because once we believe one of his lies, we have taken the first step on a path that will lead to heartbreak and regret. The following list is probably not exhaustive, but it does include the majority of lies the devil uses to deceive unmarried Christians. It would take too much time and space to deal with each lie thoroughly, but let's try to examine them quickly from a biblical perspective. Please be sure to study the Bible verses noted after each section.

The Promised Land of Sexual Purity

The prompt for this word comes with one huge assumption. Namely, that I have ever had a foot in some area remotely known as sexual purity. If sexual purity is the Promised Land than call me Moses. My story may help others get there but its not a place I have been. And Im not really sure that either place the pure one and the impure one is something that can be straddled. Im not convinced that if I look at porn today I am sexually impure but if I abstain tomorrow I am now pure. If this were so, then sexual purity would be a matter of actions. It would be all about what I do or do not do. And I think that misses the mark. We have taken a stand for purity. Some of us have been on the path longer; some of us have taken this step after years of walking out of tandem with Christ. But somewhere along the line, we have decided we are going to remain pure before marriage. And not just a bodily purity, but a purity that encompasses the heart, the mind, the soul, driving deep into our marrow and taking deep and lasting roots. Many of us are still waiting. See a show of hands? Yeah, I dont think we need to. And the truth is, were going to be waiting until Christ comes back. Because true love, true passion while we can have a glimpse of it on earth in a godly marriage, we will not know the full meaning and power of it until we are taken as Christs bride in Heaven. For millennia purity has been about action and inaction. The Sabbath was kept holy by a rigorous list of things a devout Jew either did or didnt do. Likewise, a kosher marriage meant a man did not sleep in the same room or touch his wife while she was menstruating lest they both become ritually unclean. Our ancestors, from Jews to Puritans to present day Christians, have spilled no shortage of ink (and blood) over creative dances which presumably land both feet firmly on some promised land we call purity sexual or otherwise. Not surprisingly, Jesus has something to say about all of this. Jesus cuts to the root of our action and inaction and calls it all dross (Im being polite) when compared to the state of the heart. Its not what goes in or comes out that defiles a person, Jesus says. Its what is in his or her heart. (Matt. 15:11-20). In other words, sexual purity has nothing to do with where my feet are. This can complicate things for us humans, sex addicts or other addicts, who are so task oriented, having convinced ourselves that our problem lies solely in our actions. If I could just stop looking at porn, we tell ourselves, and then Id be clean. Ever say that? Its a fools dream. When we fail again and again to make our actions bow to our good-intentions we hopefully reach the conclusion that we are powerless over our sexual addiction and that only God can restore us to sanity. Its a heart, not a foot, that matter.

As humans we are starved for love. Love from parents, an intimate love with a spouse and a love from God. And so often Gods love falls last on our priority list. We need to make it first. Because lets face it, we can NOT take this journey of purity without Christ. We will not be truly convicted and stand strong on His principles when the winds of the world blow our way, unless we are firmly anchored in HIS love. So it is that I have gone long stretches of time without looking at porn or acting out in other, more harmful, ways, but I cant convince myself that I was in a state of sexual purity. Heck, Im not even really sure what that is. I imagine it to mean that sex, like other great gifts from God, is sacred and to be used responsibly and with thanksgiving. I imagine it means that I am freed from the desire to use sex to either affirm my self-worth or to forget my self-imposed worthlessness. I imagine it means having motivations that are true and just and that every interaction I have, sexual or otherwise, is not driven by lust or selfishness. I imagine it means that love is my guiding rule, beginning first with myself and God, releasing me from the fears I have of being both inconsequential and a conqueror all at the same time. You sometime ran into circumstance where you are confronted (again) with the fact that you have no prospects around you and you must simply wait until God brings that wo/man into your life. But it is so HARD to wait. One more day without knowing when the future will arrive on my doorstep. You struggled. Plain and simple. Not in giving up your morals, but will it EVER happen to you?!?!? Then you couldnt keep shoving forward on your own and you gave it over to Christ. Girls (and guys), you HAVE to give it to God. Every time you think of every romantic (and I use that term very loosely) disappointment, you give it to Christ. Every time you get in a hopeless romantic stage that just pulls at you to only dream- you give it to Jesus. HE knows what you need. HE knows the right time. HE knows how much more you have to grow. And when you give it back to HIM, you in turn are given such peace. The peace to wait (and wait) for as long as it takes. All of this sounds like a land flowing with milk and honey and I feel like a stuttering Moses pointing it out. I cant say Ive had my feet on the other side of the Jordan but there are times I feel the waves lapping over my toes. I think its a place worth longing for, and learning to swim to get to. Or at least prayCreate in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me (Psalm 51:10) TAKE HEART in that promise. TAKE HEART in knowing that if you stand firm on your purity, body, heart, mind and soul, you will look back on this with NO REGRETS. You are setting an example by your stand and your life for Christ.

1. Purity: The Effects and Contentment

Man flows at once to God when the channel of purity is opened.- Henry David We are addressing several sins that are closely linked together: Lust, pornography, fantasy, masturbation. By thinly slicing this major issue, we are hoping to provide deeper coverage of the problem and simplify the steps toward a solution. Fantasy is what happens when we take our lust into our existing relationshipsand involve women we know: Friends of our wife, co-workers, and neighbours. Fantasy is lingering and situational lust. Lust enters through the eyes; fantasy inhabits the mind. Lust deals with the memory; fantasy deals with the imagination. Everyone lists fantasy as one of the danger signs that leads to adultery. Between lust and adultery is the step of fantasy. In the Greek, the word for contentment is defined as sufficiency with oneself as spoken of a satisfied mind. When youre living in a fantasy world or even if you just visit there to escape the real world, you are not letting your mind be satisfied - The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth, works to lead you into truth, and you limit His work when you live in a fantasy life. Reflection Questions: Do you fantasize about wo/men you know? At work? At church? In your neighbourhood? Does your desire to please the Lord exceed your desire for sexual fulfilment? Meditation verse: You must not desire another mans wife, nor should you crave his house, his field, his male and female servants, his ox, his donkey, or anything else he owns. (Deut 5:21) Sins battles are often fought and won in the mind (See Romans, chapters 6-7). If you are playing your desires out like a movie in your mind where you not only wrote the script, but you are also the director, you will begin to find that nothing in reality satisfies you. You may even begin trying to manipulate your relationships to look like the fantasy. Or, when the world offers you the chance to have what youve been fantasizing about, it will be much harder to walk away from it and see it as it really is - a poor substitute for Jesus. This is addressed in James 1:14-17 According to the Bible, purity has the ability to lead ungodly men to God. In I Peter 3:1-2, the Bible says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."

Purity separates God's children from the ways of the world and is a testament to the difference that God makes in their lives. Theres one area of purity you may have not given much thought to. It is your thoughts - more specifically -your fantasy life. Do you have a fantasy life? You know, how you innocently day dream about meeting Mr/Ms Right - when or where it will happen; what hell say to sweep you off your feet; or how Mr. Right will come one day and rescue you from your current ho-hum life and make everything exciting and perfect? Maybe your fantasies dont involve a `Mr. Right. Maybe they begin with the `if only trap. If only I had that other job, then I could be different. If only I won the lottery, then I could do what I need to. Does any of this sound familiar? A Warning is that Impurity has a way of building upon itself, leading the person who shuns purity never to be satisfied. In Ephesians 4:17-19, the Bible tells you not to live like the world does: "Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more." This is why the Bible urges you to "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry" (Colossians 3:5).

2. Purity: Identification of ungodliness

He who loves with purity considers not the gift of the lover, but the love of the giver. T. Kempis This area is one that grips many men and women. One of the problems is that it isnt really talked about. Living in a fantasy world can be very destructive to both your present and your future. Why, because Fantasizing will destroy your contentment. What does contentment then have to do with purity? Lets look at it together.

Adultery: Step 1
What comes to your mind when you hear the word adultery? According to Websters dictionary, adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband. But is it physical intercourse the only kind of adultery? According to Jesus, whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. And Statistics indicate that as many as 60% of men will commit the former; experience indicates that 100% of men will commit the latter. How

can we protect ourselves from falling in this area that has wrecked so many marriages and families? Here are some reflections Questions: Are you subject to adultery? Are you overconfident? Are you vulnerable or overexposed? What can you do to minimize your adultery?

chances

of

committing

Meditation verse: 27 You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27-28)

Masturbation: Step 2
This subject is as tough as it gets. As of 2006, there are 988,968 words in the English language, and I have found that out of all of those words, the hardest one for people to say is "masturbation." Although talking about it makes us uncomfortable, 95% of people say they have done it (the other 5% lied). According to one survey of 600 men (a cross-section of age and marital status), the average man masturbates thirteen times each month. Although the Bible never expressly condemns masturbation, the practice is rightly considered a sin because of its invitation to lust and tendency to be habit-forming. Men often respond in one of two extremes: We rationalize our behaviour or we are paralyzed into inactivity by guilt. How can we get a grip (pun intended) on this most avoided subject? Here are some Reflection Questions: Can you identify patterns in your sexual habits? What healthy outlets do you have for stress? How are you dealing with the guilt? Has it paralyzed your effectiveness for Christ?

Meditation verse: 18 Flee sexual immorality! Every sin a person commits is outside of the body but the immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God with your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

Male Sexuality: Step 3

Although our culture prefers to blur the gender lines, the Bible remains clear that men and women are different, plain and simple. We think, communicate, and act differently from one another. Theres nothing inherently more right or wrong about these differences; they happen to reflect the diverse way God wired us. Our sexuality is perhaps the most patently obvious and undeniable category of difference between men and women, but we are not merely anatomically different. God has also programmed us to think about and respond to sexual stimuli in different ways. Understanding these differences can not only help you understand your own impulses and tendencies, but also revolutionize the intimacy in your marriage. We begin by discussing male sexuality . Reflection Questions: List three truths concerning how God has wired men sexually. What freedoms accompany the knowledge that God created you as a sexual being? Do you confuse Gods wiring with sinfulness? Meditation verse: 1:27 God created humankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27).

Female Sexuality: Step 4

If men respond to sight, then women respond to touch. If men tend to heat up quickly, then women tend to heat up slowly. If men are in it for the destination, then women are in it for the journey. God has programmed us with these differences. It doesnt mean that men and women are incompatible because of our differences; it simply means we have to become better students of one another in order to enjoy our differences. As men, our natural inclinations run contrary to pleasing our wives physically. But when we learn how God has wired our wives and strive to accommodate them, then we learn a new level of intimacy in the bedroom that creates an experience far superior to the one we would have had by following our natural inclinations. Reflection Questions: List three truths concerning how God has wired women sexually, noting how they differ from the way God wired men sexually. Why did God wire us in different ways sexually? Why should men strive to sexually accommodate our wives instead of expecting our wives to always sexually accommodate us? Meditation verse: 2:4 each of you should be concerned not only about your own interests, but about the interests of others as well. (Philip2:4)

Romance: Step 5
Romance is hard work. It does not come naturally for most of us. According to Websters dictionary, to romance is to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery. Romance is our way of saying to our wives that they are worth pursuing. It requires that we learn to treat our wives as men instead of boys. Most men mistake foreplay for romance, but there is a difference between the two. Foreplay means pursuing her body; romance means pursuing her as a person. Romance is about forethought, not foreplay. Most men brush off the notion of romance with the excuse, Im just not romantic. But as Christian husbands, its not about what we arent; its about what she is. Its part of our job description as husbands to romance our wives. Are you doing your job? Reflection Questions: Are you a student of your wife? What is your wifes love language? Distinguish between romance and foreplay. List several romantic examples that you can immediately implement. Meditation verse: He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. (Song of Songs 2:4)

3. Purity: Identification of Godliness

Sanctification is the real change in man from the sordidness of sin to the purity of Gods image - William Ames What have done before you came to Christ? You may have struggled with at least one aspect of purity at some point in your life. Its an issue many believers still struggle with. You may have become a Christians after you had already had some sexual experience. But this is important for you to understand: No matter what your past experience has been, God offers you total forgiveness when you repent. He also offers you complete healing and restoration of the areas that have been broken - either by your own sin or someones sin against you. One of the clearest passages on purity is 1 Thess. 4:3-8. These verses address our conduct (our godliness). 1 Thess. 4:3-8: It is Gods will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.

The Lord will punish men for all you and warned you. For God did live a holy life. Therefore, he not reject man but God, who gives

such sins, as we have already told not call us to be impure, but to who rejects this instruction does you his Holy Spirit.

The word "purity" only appears in the Bible in five verses. The word "impurity" appears in 15 verses in the Bible. Whether the Bible is talking about purity or impurity, the context is typically regarding sexual sins, such as in Galatians 5:19: "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery." The Bible mentions purity as one of the ways people "commend ourselves to God" (2 Corinthians 6:4-6).

Function:

What sanctification?

does

sexual

immorality

have

to

do

with

our

Purity is one of the ways in which people represent themselves as one of God's children. In the Bible, Paul instructed his protg, Timothy, as follows: "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity" (1 Timothy 4:12). Purity enables people to interact with fellow believers in a non-threatening way: "Treat ... younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" 1Timothy 5:1-2.Note: in vs. 3, sexual immorality in the Greek includes any sexual sin. How does considering your brother-in-Christs purity before the Lord affect your purity choices? ____________________________________________________________________ Note in vs. 6, the Greek words used mean to go too far; beyond what is right What are some ways you can look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Phil.2:4) regarding purity and godliness? Consider specific areas such as how you dress, movies you go to, etc.________________________________________________________________ What is Gods will for you regarding your purity? ..................................._________________________________ Obedience isnt really obedience until the choice is between your will and Gods will. This is where the rubber hits the road. Its easy to follow God when youre in agreement with his will for you, but when your will for yourself is different than Gods will for you, you have a choice to make between obedience and sin (See Romans 6:16). Why does Paul conclude this section with the reminder that God has given us his Holy Spirit?.......................................................

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4. Shame and Sexual Addiction

Signs of Brokenness
1. Do you fear something about yourself to be revealed to others? 2. Do you remember sudden rush of strong emotions (anger, sadness)? 3. Do you hold on to something or someone in your past? * Addicts do not want to feel pain by involving self with sex, etc.

Origin of Sexual Relational and Brokenness

1. 2. 3. 4. Parents resort to abuse when overwhelmed by child's behaviour. Sexual abuse relies on boundaries. Physical abuse relies on pain. Verbal abuse relies on SHAME.

SHAME: What is it?

1. 2. 3. 4. Tendency for us to hide ourselves. Common among many cultures. Least exposure but most impacting on life. Designed to curtail negative behavior.

Categories of Shame
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Put-down. Moralizing. Age-based expectations. Gender-based expectations. Competency-based expectations. Comparison.

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Effects of Shame
1. Punctures one's self-esteem. 2. May prevent person from life-giving relationships and keep self from interacting with others because there is a part of him that he is ashamed of. 3. Prevents us from fully experiencing ourselves in social gatherings 4. Inhibits all emotions except anger. There is no emotional expression for shame.

Four Stages of Addiction Preoccupationthoughts become focused on his behaviour of choice.- sexualized mental obsessions. 2. Ritualization- Rituals are regularly followed methods of preparing for sexual activity to take place, the beginning of sin. 3. Sexual Compulsivity- inability to control particular sexual activity.- the starkest reminder of degradation in addiction, terrible slavery, will paralyzed, no turning back. 4. Resolution- despair upon falling again, thinking of getting help or hides secret life. The addictive cycle produces its own pain which will continue to multiply until external intervention takes place. The more you delay going back to God and seeking help, the more you will fall. Going through the addictive cycle produces NEW SHAME. We must realize we cannot control our addiction, we need God and Church.

5.

Sanctification:

Sanctification, the Apostle Paul tells us, is Gods will for our lives (1 Thessalonians 4:3). Abstaining from sexual immorality, pursuing purity of heart, and loving rather than objectifying others are fruits of sanctification. Fruits, however, not of a life welllived, but of the life of Jesus Christ flowing through us. Oswald Chambers said that sanctification is His patience, His love, His holiness, His faith, His purity, His godlinessmanifested in and through a person. It is Christ in us that purifies (Colossians 1:27) and produces pure thoughts and deeds. Nobody, Chambers tells us, can make himself pure by obeying laws. As we rejoice and celebrate this weekend, recalling the atonement of our sins through Jesus shed blood and the promise of new life, focus on letting go of striving and grasping and embrace some R&R repentance and rest (Isaiah 30:15) in what Jesus has done for us on the cross, trusting in the power of His resurrection. Its Gods will for you, after all. 12

Sanctification is, in short, the work of God within us to purify us (Titus 2:14), transform us (Romans 12:2), and mold us into the image of Jesus (Romans 8:29). This is Gods very will for us (1 Thessalonians 4:3). And while it is a work of His free grace, it also requires from us. The theologian J.I. Packer put it this way in his book Concise Theology: Sanctificationis in one sense synergisticit is an ongoing cooperative process in which regenerate persons, alive to God and freed from sins dominion (Romans 6:11, 14-18), are required to exert themselves in sustained obedience. Sanctification is neither self-reliant activity, nor God-reliant passivity, but God-dependent effort. We abide in Him, asking for His help constantlyand receiving it. This is the heart of our message that the PURE life is one defined by prayer (2Chronicles7:14, John15:5,Philippians4:6), understanding (Proverbs 19:8, Luke 24:45,Ephesians 5:17), resolve (Isaiah 30:15, John14:21, Romans15:4), and engagement (Deuteronomy 6:5, John 15:12, 1 John 3:18), but totally dependent on Jesus finished work on the cross. And it is one we are called to initiate, or reinitiate, every day of our lives. In a small but powerful booklet titled The Deeper Life, Robert Murray McCheyne, a Scottish pastor and author who died at the age of twenty-nine in 1843, addresses one obstacle to growing in sanctification (the progressive formation of Christ within us): doubt as to the power of God to really sanctify us and free us from the power of sin. I am often tempted to say, How can this Man save me? How can Christ in Heaven deliver me from lusts which I feel raging in me, and nets I feel enclosing me? This is the father of lies again! For Jesus is able to save unto the uttermost (Hebrews 7:25). The antidote to the lie, McCheyne says, is to grow in grace, chiefly through prayer. I am persuaded that nothing is thriving in my soul unless it is growing, he observes. We must desire to be more like Christ, and we ought to strive for more purity, humility, meekness, patience under suffering, and love. Make me Christ-like in all things, should be my constant prayer. Fill me with the Holy Spirit.True holiness is Christ in us, the hope of glory, McCheyne reminds us, and this reality is birthed and sustained in prayer. When God gives grace to souls, it is in answer to the prayers of His children. Let us remember and emulate the zeal for purity and holiness exhibited by people like Mc Cheyenne, and commit to a deeper pursuit of a sanctified life founded upon the pillars of prayer, understanding, resolve, and engagement. For no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13.

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This is an idea of the next lesson we are going to study Lesson One: Pondering Purity (Questionnaire and Discussion) 1. What is the definition of purity? 2. What is the opposite of purity? Lesson Two: Purity in Order (Power, Protection, and Peace) 1. What is the definition of power? What is the opposite of power? 2. Are your prayers are powerful? 3. What is the definition of protection? What is the opposite of protection? 4. Is your life fully protected by God? 5. What is the definition of peace? What is the opposite of peace? 6. Are you living a life of peace with God? Lesson Three: Foolishness) Purity in the Obvious (Flirting, Flattery, and

1. What is the definition of flirting? What is the opposite of flirting? 2. Do you feel flirting is harmless? 3. What is the definition of flattery? What is the opposite of flattery? 4. Do you feel flattery is harmless? 5. What is the definition of foolishness? What is the opposite of foolishness? 6. Do you feel you are wise or foolish? Lesson Four: Meekness) Purity in the Obscure (Meandering, Modesty, and

1. What is the definition of meandering? What is the opposite of meandering? 2. Do you feel that meandering is harmless? 3. What is the definition of meekness? What is the opposite of meekness? 4. Do you feel you show meekness in your life? 5. What is the definition of modesty? What is the opposite of modesty? 6. Do you feel modesty is important?

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Lesson Five: Purity in the Oblivious (Authority, Appearance, and Appetite) 1. What is the definition of authority? What is the opposite of authority? 2. How does authority impact your relationship with God? 3. What is the definition of appearance? What is the opposite of appearance? 4. How does your appearance impact your relationship with God? 5. What is the definition of appetite? What is the opposite of appetite? 6. Do you feel your appetites/desires are under control? Lesson Six: Substance) Purity in the Obedient (Status, Satisfaction and

1. What is the definition of status? What is the opposite of a status? 2. Describe your status in relationship to God. 3. What is the definition of satisfaction? What is the opposite of satisfaction? 4. Are you satisfied in all areas of your life? 5. What is the definition of substance? What is the opposite of substance? 6. Are you living a life of substance?

To be continued...............

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