IT esVERYBODY HURTS. » IN WAYS BIG AND SMALL, WE ARE all snubbed every day of our lives. Of course, we can’t possibly like everyone who likes us or join every group that would have us as a member, so we constantly het others down, too. It’s the way the social universe operates. And yet, when it happens to us, we tend to take it personally. Very personal. ‘And, often enough, hard. « If you were to track the daily happenings that flat- ten people's moods, you would likely find rejection at the core. “A very high percentage of negative events are related tothe feeling that someone else doest’tvalue arelationshipas much asyou do” says Duke University psychologist Mark Leary. Those are the sore feelings thataccompany such thoughts as, “Why did my ‘coworker brush me off in that meeting?” or “My husband is watching TV when he should be paying attention to me!” ‘The drive tobond lies deep in our DNA. Disap- pointmentwhen wefailto ‘connectisvirtuallygusran- teed, That's why the ulti- smaterejection—thedepar- ture of a loved one~is among the most stressful ofall experiences. Even the tiniest of slights ean rile our emo- tions and send our self- ‘esteem into a tailspin. In part, self-esteem reflects who we are intrinsically, butisalso a barometer of ourstandingwith others. Learyfounelthatsocalself- csteem neatly rises with, anyinklingof acceptance Couldyouliketojoinus forkunch?”)andplummers ‘with any cut-down (Tike you~asaftiend"), “Tvsan internal gauge thatisindependently pro- grammed" he explains. *Sowhenyou feelhad, you tend to feel bad about yourself" Social self- ‘esteem acts like radar, ‘scanningtheenvironment {a ynolopy Today fava 2907 forany hintofdisapprovalo- exclusion. Ablipon the meter, feltasadropin self-exteom, ic unpleasant, designed tospurus toaddress thesource ofthe discomfort. If the gauge weren't sensitive tall signs ofrejection,itmight miss the big ones, endangering happiness or even safety. “Nature designed us to be vigilant bout potential rejection,” says Leary for most of our history wwe depended on small groups of people. Get- tingshucoutweuldhave ‘compromised survival” As anyone who has everwatched American dol enows, sensitivity to rejection exists alonga continuum, The elucless party host who spewsa stringof tasteless jokes, asguests squirm, sits at the lowend, Atthe high endis the vigilant scav~ enger who finds rejec- tioninevery empty inbox and between every am- biguous line. How she perceives and reacts to rejection is instructive for all of us—beceuse \we'teall movingcloserto hherendoftheconsinoum. Observersseeaaveof psychological fragility pushing individuals in ourculturetoward over sensitivity to rejection, AA jittery rejection: detectionradar zeroes ‘onemptythrests—creat-ing needless anxiety and groundless jealousy. Unfortunately, ‘those atthe highend ofthe rejection-sensitivity scale pay apar- ticularly steep price just for me to belong. Their ‘overwrought responses to slights may even have the alssondedalivoror bringing bruccittheyiariaet And although such pain may beborneprivately,ithas publicreper- cussions. Thereisacollectivecost of individual hypersensi- tivity torejection. People becomeunwillingtotake even the rub up against stark fact: Our rejection radar is just not adapted toa world inwhich we're thrown against new and often strange situations daly.tfthecomnerfruitvend cheery “good morning?” it doesn'tmean he won't sell you an apple;i'yourcoworkersforgettoinviteyou to afer-work drinks, ‘you're nct necessarily the office pariah, Sul, Learysays thathe ‘would rather erron the sie oforer-readingsignalsof rejection. Tmagine if you hadno pain receptors to wamyouof impending bodily harm—you wouldn't feel scrapes or punches,butyonwouldn’:survivelongether. A WAVE OF PSYCHOLOGICAL FRAGILITY IS PUSHING INDIVIDUALS IN OUR CULTURE TOWARD OVERSENSITIVITY TO REJECTION. smallestsocial risks, Prececupied with theirown performance evaluations, people shy away rom approachingstrangersorques- tioning authority. Public life shrinks and civilsociety withers. HYPERSENSITIVITY RISING "THERE ARE A NUMBER OF REASONS WHY REJECTION-SENSI~ tivity is growing more pervasive. Major depression, condi tiontightlv linked to rejection sensitivity, hasbeenon the rise amongllagegroupsexceptihe elderly for welloreradecade. ‘What's more, parents and educators overprotect and over- praisechildren actionsthat backfirebecause they breed pre- ‘occupation with evaluation by others. “If praise isn'tbesedon anything specific itgives youa sense ofinsecurity" Leary points out. *Itmakes youwonder whether your rejection radaris work ing tall.” Ifyou suspect you'renotgetiing honest feedback, you'll be more sensitive toall possible sights or acceptances. ‘You'll think, “Do people realy like me?” ‘Then, 00, adds New York psychologistRobert Leahy, we're ‘onour way tobecominga performance-based culture. Young peopleinparticularfeelan urgencytograb the spotlight, instead of working towand becomingastable member ofa group. That ‘makes them especially concerned with how others are evalu ating them™and more sensitiveto rejection. ‘But the primary reason we're becomingmorerejecton-sen- sitive, Leary contends, i that our fragmented, mobile society has decreased the number and weakened the strength of our social bonds. “Even 200 yearsago, people were part ofa small clan, They likely lived their entire ivesin the same town. We ‘now constantly haveto reintegrate ourselves intonew social networks. Thesheer numberof strangers with whom we inter act reates many more opportunities for rejection.” Leaky,clinical professor at Weill-Cornell Medical College andauthorof The Worry Cure, agrees. “Because familiesare lessintactand society is moresegmented, we'reall less secure. Further, an increased general sense of uncertainty makes us more yulnerableto rejection.” However subtle these background influences are, they all, FROM FEAR TO ETERNITY WHEN STARTING OUTAS A ravcHOLOGTsT, Geraldine Downey.now aprofessoratCotum- bia University, soughtto discover how chil- dren whose early years were marked by. parental rection faredin adultrelationships. Shehypothesized thatthose whoseneeds for care and attachment were repeatedly met «withrejection would likely grow upto anticipateit seeitwhere itmightnotexi, and oyerresctto it,asififeitselfwereon the e, After more than adecade of research, she has unveiled afuitly detailed portrait of people who are highly sensitive torejection. Awash inanticipatory anxiety orpre-emptive anges, they expect to berejected by those they grow to value. They inter- pretneutralor negiigent actions (a delayin phoning, say) as FIRED UP: WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET CANNED BY WOODY ALLEN? ‘Actioss Annabelle Gurwiteh was ‘overjoyed when Woody Allen cast her ina plavin 2003. “Ithought| ‘ould be Woody's next muse," she says. "started tohear Gershwin t tunes wherever! went” ‘But when retearsals began itwas clear thatthe role wasn't rat for her. lle put it this way: "What youare doingisterrble,nonec! it goec\"“Don’ everdo that again, even in another play” ancfinaly, Youlook retarded” after awook, Gurwitch waclat go." was sodapressed' she says, “inought must bea terrible actress.” ‘She snappad out of self-pity mode, though. when she started talking toothare about herr experiences getting fire, “People told me stories even morehurniiating than ‘my own and Ireally laughed” She wrote tall up in a one- women show, which then became a collection of essays anda documentary, both called Fired! Gurwitch now appreciates howrejectioncan allow yyoute reinvent yourselt. She also understends the impor tfanceo! creating your own onpertunities todo what you ove—rether then waiting for others to invite you. The huge response she's received from readers and viewers has brought her evenmore eatistaction, “Getting firod is 2 ‘great reminder that you are more than your 03? \Jay/ngis: 2007 Ppenooey Tosay £9