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We do this, because it is painful to be constantly aware, to be consta ntly "on." To break through that pain, focus instead on the pay -off. When you are constantly aware, every experience becomes a lesson in life. For example, if you are in a dentist's office, you could use that time to reach any number of crucial insights:
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I'm lucky to have teeth. A toothless life would be much less pleasurable. If there is such a thing as dental hygiene, there must be a concept of spiritual hygiene, too. I wonder what it is. Without the pain of the drill, my teeth would fall out. Perhaps some other difficulties in life also help me accomplish good things. The human body is so intricate. The integration of teeth, gums, tongue and saliva is an incredible feat of anatomical and physiological design. How did it all come about?
Whatever you are doing at any given moment -- watching the news, working on a business deal, talking to a friend, reading this article -- give it your full attention. Decide that you are willing to take the pain of thinking, of being aware, all day long.
Then, at the end of these 15 minutes, appreciate how the time was well spent. Time that otherwise would have been wasted... Little by little, increase your time. First 15 minutes, then 30 minutes, then one hour, then two hours. Once you hit four hours, you're sailing. The Vilna Gaon, the grea t 18th century Jewish scholar, said that the first three hours and 59 minutes is stoking the furnace. By the fourth hour, the pot is boiling. And don't stop. Because if you take the pot off the fire -- even for a few minutes -you have to reboil it all ov er again.
Whatever you learn, make sure you don't forget. How many times has an insight struck you with astonishing clarity -- and then slipped out of your mind the next day? The insight is fleeting if you don't capture it in some way. It has t o sink into your bones and permeate your mind. This means constant review of one's learning in some form or another. Verbal repetition is powerful. It clarifies an idea and brings it into reality. That's why we repeat the Shema twice a day, and why we revi ew the Torah year after year. The Sages of the Talmud would repeat any new insight 40 times -- and repeat an especially vital idea 101 times. It's kind of like "Remember the Alamo!" Of course, you may forget the Alamo, but you can remember this article in a catch-phrase like "Make Every Second Count" or "Live to the Max." Whatever moves you and gets you energized, repeat it again, again and again. Make it your refrain, your background music. When you wear out one phrase, get yourself another. Whatever works has power. * * *
you do for life?" If you see yourself as a "thinker," then thinking becomes a priority. So update your self -definition. Learn your whole reason for living and live it fully.
Is Life Good?
The bottom line is you have to decide: Is life good or not? This comes down to a more basic question: Does life have purpose? If it doesn't, then there's no reason not to waste time, because nothing really matters anyway. But if you believe there is a purpose to life, why would you want to waste any bit of it? You'll want to understand every aspect of life, to do the most with the limited time you have. Jewish consciousness says that the worst crime is murder.
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The worst murder is premeditated. The worst premeditated is of family. Even worse is murder of self -- i.e. suicide. Spiritual suicide is worse than physical suicide. Killing time is spiritual suicide.
Human beings were created for pleasure. Adam and Eve were placed in the Garden of Eden. In Hebrew, Eden means "pleasure." When you commit yourself to what a human being was destined for -- a life of pleasure -- you will go out searching for the highest pleasures. Along the way, you'll make distinctions between pleasure and comfort, between necessary pain and needless suffering. And through the process, you'l l discover the true meaning of life. The Torah says: "Abraham was old and he came with his days." Many people can become old without their days, because they may only experience growth over a year. But Abraham and Sarah had daily growth spurts. They got as much out of living as possible. Make the commitment to discover life's deeper pleasures. It could be the difference between a useful life and a wasted one.
Plan out what you want to accomplish. If you know what you're afte r, you'll pursue it with more vitality. Plan in the evening how you'll get up in the morning. Don't let the snooze button control your life. To start off on the right foot, get up 10 minutes early and say the Shema. 5
Review your day. See what the obstacles were. Strategize how to avoid them in the future. Review what you learned in the past 24 hours. Catch yourself day dreaming at least once a day and examine: "What am I doing right now, and how could I use this moment more effectively?" Become a student of life. Study wherever you are. Have books, thoughts, etc. ready to keep your mind growing. (No staring out the window like a zombie.) Memorize pieces of wisdom. It will give you something to learn as you walk down the street or wait in line at the supermark et. Pick appealing catch-phrases, to inspire yourself on the spot, and to wake yourself up when you feel like drifting off. Frequently ponder the question: What is the purpose of life? What am I doing on this planet? Plan ahead now. What do you want to stu dy? What do you need to realize your ambitions? How do you want to grow?
Everyone says that "time is money." But which is more important: five minutes or a dollar? Time is the greatest opportunity of your life. Don't waste a minute of it.
If you're lucky enough to live to tell about it, you say, "That guy's a reckless idiot!" The driver refers to himself as "brave." To his face, you call him "foolhardy." To a third party, he's a "reckless idiot." Which one is the reality? By working through objective definitions, we can assess the situation without personal feelings getting in the way: A. "Brave" = taking a necessary risk for a worthwhile purpose (e.g. rushing into a burning building to save the children trapped inside). B. "Foolhardy" = taking an unnecessary risk, yet with a noble purpose (e.g. rushing in to save the children, but without any protective gear). C. "A Reckless Idiot" = taking an unnecessary risk, for no worthwhile purpose (e.g. rushing in just to watch the beams fall down). Back to the car on the mou ntain road. You turn to the driver and say, "Why are we risking our lives? What is the worthwhile purpose?" The driver will have to agree he's being a reckless idiot. That's being an intellectual. Leading with your head, rather than muddling through life based on feelings alone. Otherwise, you're always stuck on the level of: "I'm brave, he's a reckless idiot."
Apply this definition of free will to your life. Do you want to be great? Sure! But you don't feel like making the effort. You feel like postponing it, procrastinating it and ducking the issue. "I don't want to be great, I only want to be average." "Really? You want mediocrity?" "Of course not. I want greatness. Just not today!" "Why not today?" "Because I just don't feel like it..." Do you have a goal? You know you can do it. It's just too painful. Make the decision and nothing will stop you. That's using your free will.
Objective Argumentation
Sometimes we don't pay attention. We can talk for hours and not even know what we're arguing about. Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai are two famous disputants in Talmudic literature. They argued about almost everything and saw the world from nearly opposite perspectives. For example, Beit Hillel says we should light one Chanukah candle the first night, and add one candle each subsequent night. Beit Shammai, on the other hand, says to light eight candles the first night and then decrease one candle each night. Opposite perspectives! Jewish law follows Beit Hillel. Why? Because in any disagreement, Beit Hillel would always first state the opinion of Beit Shammai, and only then state his o wn position. In this way, Beit Hillel's position was deemed more objective, reflecting a truth that lay somewhere in between. That's why Jewish law follows Beit Hillel. The next time you find yourself in an argument, get the picture straight. Don't take any ideas for granted, even if you think you understand what they mean. Listen for the message behind the message. Very often the fight is about something entirely different than you thought it was. Maybe underneath the other person is feeling, "He doesn't respect me," or "He takes me for granted." Get the message, not only the words. Ask: "What is her point? What does she mean? What does she want?" Don't be busy getting your answer ready while the other person is still talking. Through questioning, you'll fi nd there is always something deeper. Ask the person: "Do you mean to say... Please tell me if I understand you correctly." This way at least you know that you're arguing about the same thing." Once you think you understand the idea, make the effort to say it over in your own words. Similarly, choosing our own example to illustrate what others are saying 9
forces you to zero in on the essence of that idea. It's a good test to see if you understand the message. And it will help you integrate it and remember it.
Don't Be A Zombie
Laziness is holding us back. Creatures use their best instruments effectively -wings, claws, beaks. But man frequently fails to use his best instrument, his mind. Man will go to any amount of work to avoid thinking. You can read the N ew York Times for a few hours and then ... nothing, blank! It's a great feeling, but what does it mean? What did you learn? Get into a defining mode. Acquire the habit of analyzing what's happening around you. Anything worth your time -- reading the newspaper, a novel, having a conversation, watching a movie, touring -- should be productive. Always define your goal ahead of time. What do you want to accomplish? Then afterwards, articulate what you learned. If you don't, you'll wind up living with intellectual confusion. For example, people who get fired from a job say they've learned a lot: "Now I know that I can't trust employers, that I'm incapable of a successful career, that the business world is hell, and that..." But that's not what you are supposed to learn. What you should learn is the importance of studying the keys to a successful career before you get a job! In Judaism, we go a lot deeper. We say "clarity or death." "Death" is the complete absence of consciousness; reduced consciousness is therefor e partial death. Either you know what you are living for, you know what you want, you know what your pleasure is -- or else you are living like a zombie. That's why we need definitions. It gives us clarity for living.
Torah Wisdom
Proper definitions are e specially important when you are learning about our Jewish heritage. Taken at face value, the Torah may appear simplistic. Yet we know from tradition that the deepest concepts are contained within Torah, often encoded in simpler messages. Every word is carefully chosen. If the Almighty is speaking, you ought to understand exactly what He's saying. When we speak of Torah, we're speaking of God and eternity, forever. We cannot afford mistakes in this area of life. A mistake in understanding Torah is a mistake for eternity. It's like sending a rocket to the moon. If you send it in a general direction -but you're off target by a fraction of a mistake in a logarithm of the arc -- then you're lost in space. Let's take an example. The Torah says there is a comman dment to "know there's a God." So ask: "What is a commandment? What does it mean to 'know?' Who is 10
God?" Define your terms in order to get behind the message and discover deeper ideas for life. Decode the key. There's a crucial final step as well. Always ask yourself: "Now that I understand, what am I going to do about it?"
"Listen" and "silent" have the same letters. Get the picture straight, especially when you are emotionally involved. Don't fall into the trap of the "I-You-He" game. Without definitions, you can fool yourself into thinking you're living "the good life." No one wants to be a bafoofstik. Torah contains powerful tools for living. Make sure you dig out the depth of meaning. There's no use arguing if you don't know what you're arguing about. No use in learning if you don't know what you've learned. No use in taking action if you don't know what you want to achieve. If you use this tool for the rest of your life, you are rich.
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into the learning. If you study long enough, you 'll get in touch with this tune. It is a tremendous help to get your engine moving. Start with your tune ... and you're in! If you're reading, and have difficulty staying focused, start reading slowly out loud and you'll find it brings you right into conta ct. Whatever you're reading - even a simple newspaper - you'll have a much higher rate of comprehension and retention if you read it out loud. You might feel a bit foolish at first, but you'll eventually get the hang of it - and see the dividends paying of f.
The soul wants to grow, but the body is holding back. That's why you need to articulate ideas in a way that's convincing, to penetrate the idea into the body. We feel greater responsibility to carry through on what we say, much more than on what we think. Articulation bridges the gap between the demands of the body, and the lofty notions of the soul. This has practical application in synagogue life. During the silent "Amidah" prayer, people's lips are moving, though their voices are muted. And on Yom Kippur, the "Viduy" confession is said loud enough to hear yourself.
Have A Dialogue
Suppose you make a certain decision, but find yourself resisting. Talk yourself into it. Challenge yourself. Play your own devil's advocate. "I'll work on my project later." "I don't believe you. Convince me. The last time you said that, you didn't get to the project in the end." "That's because I got too tired." "So stop with the excuses! Get working on the project now, or you'll end up skipping it altogether!" Nudge yourself with words. When you wake up in the morning and don't feel like getting out of bed, tell yourself: "Go ahead, put one foot down. It won't hurt." When your emotions are down, lift yourself out of it. If you're angry, calm the r aging beast. If you're complaining, ease the pain. Use whatever method it takes to turn things around. Tell yourself what you are about to do: "I'm going to take this ski slope now..." Similarly, before going into a threatening environment, repeat many tim es your basic set of values. It helps stabilize you. Of course, every power can be misused, and there's a lot of nuts out there talking to themselves. So it's better not to do this in public. Rather, lock your door and let people think you're rehearsing fo r an act. Argue it out with yourself. Call yourself names. The main thing is that by articulating your ideas about living, you will get clarity. But beware of counterproductive words. Don't say "I'm no good, I'm stupid, I won't understand, I'm a failure, I can't change." Before long you'll start believing it. You'll tear yourself down and feel like nothing.
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The idea is not to drive yourself crazy, or to make others think you've gone over the edge. Rather, you want to surface your rationalizations so you can get a clearer picture of reality. It's a way of putting the different "parts" of you together on the table, to get them to work in unity, and to eliminate the blocks that hold you back.
Pep Talk
Try giving yourself a daily pep talk on how much you are go ing to accomplish. "Today is a great day, full of possibilities. Life is beautiful and I'm fortunate to be alive. I'm going to be full of joy and apply all the wisdom I know. Today I will achieve my goals." Suddenly you're revved up and ready to go! If you have enough money, you can even hire someone to give you a pep talk. Otherwise, make a pact with a friend and give each other "the talk." Or just talk to yourself! Also at night, tell yourself: "Tomorrow I'm going to jump out of bed with energy and joy," or "I'm not going to get angry." Tell yourself why you are going to do it, how you are going to do it, and the pleasure you will get from doing it. You've just talked yourself into it. Now get out there and do it.
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Don't rely solely on your mind's decision. When ever you make an important decision, tell it over to a friend and see whether he believes you or not. When you try to sell it to someone else, he may just tell you: "Baloney!" Imagine you've made a resolution: "Tomorrow I am going to do XYZ. I am really going to get what I want out of life." How do you make sure it gets done? Say it out loud - with clear-cut, forceful meaning. Convince yourself that you mean it. You're the boss. If you so demand, it is done. You have the willpower. When you're stubborn, nobody can move you. No way. You've made up your mind. Now off you go. You're on the march!
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Slogans are a quick and effective way to articulate core thoughts. Slogans enable us to remain clear about our goals and motivations - particularly when we're confused, tired, or both. Slogans inspire us to keep trying when we feel like giving up. Before attempting anything, ask yourself, "What do I hope to accomplish?" Then put your answer into a slogan that will stick in your mind. Look through the list of "48 Ways." It's basically a series of slogans. Judaism's most famous slogan is the Shema: "Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One." More than just a prayer, it's a reminder of the very high purpose of life. Here's some more Jewish slogans: "It's a mitzvah to always be happy." "The external affects the internal." "The world stands on Torah, prayer, and kindness." "Everything happens for the good." ( "Gam zu l'tova.") "God is good." "God loves me." To increase your focus in life, try saying these things ... out loud ... over and over. If you're really serious, ask yourself, "What am I living for?" Then sloganize it, to keep you focused at all times. The more senses you have working at one time, the deeper the impression. Saying something out loud means you are using every one of your bones. You are using your diaphragm, your brain, your ears, and your lips, teeth and tongue. Try to be consciously aware of involving every fibre of your being. When you say "Hear O Israel, the Lord our God," do it from your toes. That makes a deep impression. It's living with everything you've got.
"Saying it out loud" helps you clarify fuzzy ideas. Articulation is objectivity. The more senses you involve, the more of an impression it leaves on you. What you speak is an expression of who you are. Everyone needs a sounding board, a feedb ack system. Do it yourself! Never say, "I can't." Because then you won't, even if you could. Language is the bridge where body meets the soul. 16
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Talking aloud keeps you from falling asleep and day -dreaming. Words are reality. "To say is to be!"
Getting Started
Think of someone you'd be fascinated to meet, someone you'd really like to find out what makes him tick. Now realize the most fascinating person you could ever meet is ... yourself. Sit down, say hello, and introduce yourself to yourself. Become familiar with yourself as if you'd just met a long-lost cousin. Interview yourself. Ask questions about your life and the direction you're going. Search out your dreams -- both the ones you're fulfilling and the ones you've pushed to the back of your mind. Get down to basics. You want to be rich. You want to be famous. You want to be good. You want to accomplish. You want meaning. You want to be creative. But why do you want all this? What's driving you? What you really want out of life? 17
The process of self-discovery involves asking a series of questions, always probing deeper until the underlying truth emerges. Ask yourself 10 questions that you would ask an intimate friend. Then wait for answers. Don't worry, no one is going to poke fun at you.
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What is the purpose of life? What is my goal in life? Why did I choose this career? How do I spend my spare time? What is my motivation for doing what I do? What really makes me happy? Am I as happy as I want to be? Is it more important to be rich or to be happy? What are my future plans? Why? What are my secret dreams and ambitions?
Don't be surprised if the answers aren't immediate. This process can take many months. Stick with it and find out what makes you tick. The answers are hiding in there. After all, you have a fascinating partner. Finally, the most important question to ask is: "What am I living for?" It sounds like a simple question, but many are embarrassed to ask it. A voice inside us says, "Nah, why ask such a basic question?" We're resistant because we know this requires a lot of difficult soul -searching. And when you thoroughly know yourself, then you have changed. You've changed your relationship with yourself and the world.
Confidence In Decision-Making
People often avoid making decisions out of fear of making a mistake. Actually, the failure to make decisions is one of life's biggest mistakes. Imagine the beggar who receives a letter saying that he's inherited a million dollars. If he doesn't read the letter, is he rich ... or not? Similarly, God gave us the free will to make choices in life and a chieve greatness. But if we're not aware of our free will, then we don't really have it. And then we wind up blaming others when things go wrong -- even though we know the decision is really up to us. If you're not using your potential, it wears away at yo ur confidence. Do you know what your potential is? Have you tried to use it? You have to tackle life. You haven't given up yet, have you? Let's get on with the game, with the business of really living, of not just "going through the motions." 18
Know the difference between "making decisions" and just floating, falling into place. Did you choose to go to college? Or perhaps you had nothing to do with the decision. Was it something you just did because you graduated high school and everybody else was doing it? Did you think it through and actually make a decision? Imagine this private conversation of a college student: Why am I going to college? To get a degree. Why? Because I want to get into a good graduate school. Why? So I'll get a good job. Why? So I can pay back my college loans! Through the process of questioning, he reveals a logical fault in his motivation. Really, the primary reason for going to college should be to acquire wisdom, knowledge and information. In other words, to get an education! Now try the process yourself, using this example: Why do I want to get married? Don't accept pat answers. Keep asking "Why, why why?" Be frank. It's yourself. Ask any question you like. Be patient and persistent. Eventually you'll get an answer. When you thoroughly analyze an issue, then you can make wise decisions with confidence. Identify where you lack confidence. What makes you nervous? What situations inhibit you from being yourself? Why can't you make decisions? Is it that you don't know how to make decisions? Or that you doubt your decisions after they're made? Or you just don't feel like making decisions? Enjoy making decisions. Deal with the world you live in. That's loving the dynamics of life.
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Write your "blocks" on a piece o f paper. That's a good step in the right direction. By isolating specific obstacles, you turn them into concrete challenges that require solutions. Ask yourself:
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Am I lazy? Why? Am I disorganized? Why? Do I get angry? When? Why do ever I get defensive? Abo ut what? What makes me jealous? What makes me arrogant? Do I have trouble making decisions? Why? Do I lack self-discipline? Do I lack self-confidence? Why don't I take more initiative?
Negative character traits are the roots of our problems. Make a list of your negative traits, and identify when they affect you the most. Then analyze what triggers these reactions in you. Finally, formulate an effective counter -approach. Working through this takes time. But do you have anything better to be doing right now?
Get out of yourself and track it down. If you don't, it's just irritation. And the next thing you know, you'll go home and yell at your kids. Once you've identified what causes negative feelings, adjust yourself to minimize the impact. Either avoid these situations, or prepare yourself to handle them when they arise. Further, root out negative motivations that corrupt your behavior. Let's say that you give charity. Why? One motivation is to help humanity. Another is the pleasure of being constructive. A third is the desire to do the right thing. These are all positive motivations. A negative motivation for giving charity is: "I want people to admire me." That's corruptive. The next time you give charity, do so anonymously. Eliminate the wrong reasons. They are destructive. The same goes with the positive emotions. Be aware of how your emotional state affects decisions. For example, don't buy a new stereo when you're in a euphoric mood. Wait. Think it over. You are susceptible. Pinpoint what makes you happy. You can have more joy on a daily basis by formulating some practical applications. You got up in the morning, it's a gorgeous day and you feet great. You're energized . Now take that feeling and teach yourself how to get up on the right side -- every day! Another example: You did a good job and got the boss's compliment. Now focus: Do you need the boss to tell you did a good job? No! Create your own pleasure out of doing a good job.
because you feel uncomfortable about an idea doesn't mean it's wrong for you. It' s hard to break habits, and growth can be frightening. For example, would you rather be happy or rich? Okay, you'd rather be happy. Now imagine this exchange: "Come on, I'll teach you how to be happy. All it requires is effort and change." "Oh, I'd love to, but I can't right now. It's impossible. I've got a flight to catch." "Really? I'll pay you $10,000 a week to work on happiness." "Sure! Where do I sign up?" "Oh, but I thought you can't right now..." We conceal our problems with rationalization: "I'll wreck my mind thinking about what life is about! Nobody really knows what life is about. It's not going to work. Nothing can be done about it anyway. I don't really care. It's not worth the time!" The Sages say that a person only makes a mistake when overc ome by a moment of insanity. So realize that you are fighting "insanity." It is not logical. You've got to be on guard. Because if you get off track, you'll pay for it down the road. So ... do you want to change? What have you got against it? Feel the anti pathy of the body. We are so darn lazy. The body just wants to sleep. "Aaaah ... I don't want to change. I'm happy enough. I'm comfortable in my niche of misery." Are you rich enough? No! So are you happy enough? You see the importance of tracking that dow n? You have to identify the animal you are fighting. "The dread of change." If you're alert, you see the enemy. You can fight it. You may lose a struggle with the body, but at least you have your confidence. "I know what I am doing."
"It won't be so bad. Remember the last time you made an effort, how great you felt!" Be encouraging and reward yourself for success. Don't say it doesn't work. You haven't made the effort. Don't give up on your intuition and perception. Just realize you haven't yet brought it home to actualization. Consider how the basic human drives affect you: security, self-respect, honor, passions, social pressure, and possessions. Pay particularly close attention to how you accept responsibility. Let's say that you made a mistake. You want to apologize in a full and forthright manner. Yet you feel like forge tting the whole thing, hiding, running away and saying "it's not my fault." This is the volcano. We want to be tough, dedicated and powerful -- yet we feel like being marshmallows. Choosing the path of the soul doesn't come naturally. It takes a lot of time and hard work.
Five-Finger Clarity
You've got to know yourself cold, just like you know your hand has five fingers. How do you know you are on the right path? How do you know you're not making a mistake right now? To develop this clarity, articulate the imp ortant principles that guide your life. For example, in Judaism we say that love is an obligation. Is this reasonable? Work the issue through with yourself: 23
"Ridiculous. You can't obligate me to love." "But if I have children, will I love them?" "Of course I'm going to love my kids!" "How do I know? I don't know what kind of kids I'm going to have. Maybe they'll be brats and I won't love them." "I will. I'm obligated to love my children." Do you see the contradiction? On an intuitive level, you know that love is an obligation. But the concept is not so clear that you can articulate it. Take your time. Sort out the basic aspects of living. Ask yourself important questions about life's global and spiritual issues. -- What is the meaning of existence? -- What's good about living? -- How do I feel about humanity? -- What is the afterlife? -- How do I understand good versus evil? -- Do I have free will? How do I activate it? -- What makes me sad? Is it okay to be sad? -- How do I feel about God? -- Am I proud to be a Jew? -- How do I understand the Holocaust? Some of these topics may be unpleasant to think about. If so, why is it unpleasant? Track it down. Don't just use slogans to parrot things that you heard. Know why you are doing what you are doing. Otherwise, it's just society talking. You may have adopted part of society without analyzing its validity. Check it out. Work through all the issues until you have "five -finger clarity." A human being who knows what he wants will get there. By hook or by crook. It's like a homing mechanism on a missile. If you program it right, you will get there.
You can know truth if you look honestly into yourself. Emotions are powerful forces of greatness. Know them. H arness them. Identify your problems. It's the beginning of solving them. If you don't get it straight now, you're bound to make some bad mistakes. 24
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Don't be afraid of finding out who you really are. Use your free will as a conscious tool for better living. If you're angry or upset, track it down. What's the root? If you're acting illogically, at least acknowledge that to yourself! The key to sanity is letting truth into the body. You can't afford to wait too long to get to know yourself. Because you are the most fascinating person you'll ever meet.
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importantly, the moment is concretized. You have a point of reference to draw on in the future. The next step, of course, is to replay the awesome experience in your mind. Imagine, for example, that you have an idle moment while stuck in traffic. You project yourself back into the awesome experience, and suddenly the world looks different. You are on a different wavelength. This is no regular traffic jam!
Gaining Perspective
Imagine someone calling you an idiot. Or that you're stuck in traffic. Or that the boss is hassling you. When this happens, you can become angry and caught up in the pettiness of life. The remedy? Take a moment to go outside and walk under the stars. When you witness the vastness of the universe, it puts things into perspective. When you come back inside, you won't be starry-eyed. You'll be energized. You'll say, I'm sorry. Let's forget it and move on. Awe helps release you from the limits of the body. You are suddenly in a world of different dimensions, transported into the eternity of beauty, power, majesty. You've got an expanded perspective. It's no longer me versus you. We're all one. So why be aggravated? Awe carries us beyond ourselves. In times of war and tragedy -- as well as prosperity and joy -- people get "bigger." They treat each other nicer. Pettiness is forgotten. Anytime you're in a rut, blast yourself out. Take a walk under the stars. This will unleash the power. You cannot be bored or petty when you are in awe.
Yet who says that growing up means becoming numb? Instead of taking your daily environment for granted, stop and focus. When you look at a human being, appreciate the miracle of it all. Conside r, for example, human speech: the coordination of lips, teeth, tongue, larynx -- while the brain recalls, formulates, and transmits thoughts into muscle movements, which then somehow produce sound waves. And it's all just a bunch of electrons spinning at n early the speed of light, connected to protons through the magical power of gravity. For just a moment, stand in awe. See everything in the dimension that it really is, not the mundane nature that we're used to. Try it one time. This will re -tune you into the awesome power of living. You don't need to travel around the world for awe -inspiring moments. They are available to us constantly, everywhere. If we just open our eyes they will impact us. Every time you see a locomotive, the ocean, a flower. There is nothing mundane about existence. Nothing. An entire forest can be germinated from a single seed... It's a mind-boggling world. We just have to pay attention. The fight for life is to be sensitive and aware. Walk through life constantly keeping your eyes open with toothpicks, never bored, never mundane, never into a simple existence. Always wondering what is life, who are we, what are we doing. If you pay attention and think about everything that is going on, it is a different lifestyle, a different power fo r existence, a different way of dealing with your family, friends, the environment. You will never be petty. You will never give up. You are lifted out of it. You are grown up. Everything is mind -boggling. This will transform you for the rest of your life.
Don't underestimate yourself. Stop looking at what you are. Look at what you can be. You can solve humanity's problems, instead of just accepting them and suffering. You can destroy or create the entire world. That is what we are dealing with. Use this power proactively. If you've got an important deadline, or are prepa ring to speak before a large crowd, take a walk under the stars. It will sober you up, snap you into the right perspective. There's no reason to be nervous. A world of opportunity awaits you. Now is the time to step up to the plate and knock the ball out of the park. Always be aware of the awesome power within you, and within every human being. Treat everyone with reverence, caution, respect, awe. And treat yourself the same way.
Prayer is the experience of speaking to God. You are talking to the Master of all creation. So the next time you recite a blessing, know Who you are talking to. Jewish consciousness is that before doing anything, you should stop and ask yourself: Why am I doing this? Put yourself in focus whenever you start doing anything. It is for the honor of connecting with your Creator. Before eating, when going to work, when watering your garden . Stop and say: This is for the honor of connecting with my Creator. Walk this way -- with your head in the sky and your feet on the ground.
Awe can break through laziness and open ruts. It unleashes potential and locked-up energies. It's a human tendency to be petty. Awe pulls us up and out. The reality of this world is that there is nothing mundane. Life has the potential to be one thrill after another, if you understand the power of every moment. Concretize awesome experiences so you can recall them at any time. Awe is the result of seeing potential actualized. Seek the small "wows." The awesomeness of life is without end. Use the awesomeness of everyday life to relate to the Creator of it all. See the power and the p leasure of understanding truth. You are in touch with the awe of "wisdom." Step outside under the stars. It'll put you back on track.
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blood running in your veins. It gives you power to accomplish what you want to do. If you're walking along and spot a snake, fear propels you to run with blazing speed and hurdle the fence like an Olympian. With fear, you are out of the dream world and 100 percent into reality. Making the right choice is a constant human struggle. We have an inclination to take the easy way out, and to ignore the coming consequences. "To see or not to see?" -that is the Jewish question.
Be Afraid Of Meaninglessness
Remember the old TV program where you had 10 minutes in a supermarket to grab whatever you could? The woman was running up and down the aisles, looking for what is most valuable. She didn't want to end up with a cartload of soap suds. That show is a metaphor for life. Ther e are eternal consequences. Each moment can be lived to the fullest -- or wasted into nothingness. Life is serious business. The ultimate human fear is to live without meaning. We all want to have an impact, to help others, to change the world. Try saying the words: "I'm happy being mediocre." You can't say it! Remember the time you asked yourself, "What does it all add up to?" We have this moment of clarity, and then what do we do? We run for the ostrich hole, start playing tennis, put on the music, call u p a friend. Don't run for the ostrich hole. Be afraid of being mediocre. Be afraid of not having self-respect. Be afraid of waking up one morning and saying to yourself: "What did I do with my life?" Use this fear to inspire you to figure out what counts m ost in life. Then go get it.
Fear Of Mortality
Each of us knows we will die one day. But we fool ourselves into thinking that those who die belong to a separate sector of humanity. " They are the mortal ones. We are immortal." Underneath it all, we have thi s illusion. Did you ever have a friend who died? Maybe he was 17 and got killed in a motorcycle accident. How did you react? " But I just talked to him yesterday! He can't really be dead. He was so full of life! " What does that mean -- "It can't be"? What we're really saying is that it's too close for comfort. I'm not in the mortal group. And now my friend is dead. That's too close. It can't be. Realize that each of us can be dead in one minute. You don't need an airplane crashing through the ceiling. You do n't need a heart condition. All it takes is one 30
blood clot and ... bang! These are the facts of life. But we don't feel like looking at it. "I am immortal. Other people get mugged, other people die. Not me!" When someone we know dies unexpectedly, we feel our own sense of vulnerability. It makes us think, "Am I using my time efficiently?" Take a close look at your life history. Trace the years back, and see how well you've used your time. Often our past is a blur, and as you get older, this becomes even more pronounced. We all have a clock ticking and don't know how long it's going to run. How many years do you figure you have left? Don't think it's open -ended. Someday you will have only one year left. And someday you will have only one day left. So plan for it now. As the Sages say: "Put your life on track one day before you die ." Some Jews have the custom of visiting their future burial plots once a year, usually before Rosh Hashana. Why? It's not morbidity. It makes the point clear: " I am mortal, and this is where I'll end up. So what do I want written on my tombstone? " Live every day as if it's your last -- because one day it will be. Tick, tick, tick...
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Fear Of God
One of the primary obligations in Judaism is to fear God. We fulfill this Mitzvah by paying attention to reality and seeing the consequences of our actions. Imagine hidden cameras monitoring your progress through life. The whole world is watching. People cheer when you succeed and boo when you fail. With all those people staring, won't you be careful with every move? Won't your motivation to succeed increase tremendously? Walk with a constant awareness of God. Everything is recorded on videotape. Are we maximizing life's opportunity, or are we wasting it? One day we'll have to answer for our actions. That fear can motivate you to greatness. Unfortunately, human nature is to become distracted. Each of us has a self -doubting inclination, called the Yetzer Hara. It's like a vicious dog, always threatening you: "You're overextending yourself. You'll have a nervous breakdown and fall apart." We hesitate to act because we're frightened by his threats. Fear of God gives you full freedom. Nothing will stand in your way. The dog is insignificant compared to fear of God. You just push right ahead. You're free from all other fears. Fear of God is the key to everything we want to accomplish in this world. So what's holding us back? Consider the following four myths:
more serious as they begin to remember their problems. By the third block, they're into petty nonsense, back to their old depressed selves... Life is boring without fear. Notice how "successful" people inevitably look for new risky ventures. It may be a risky financial investment, or it may be hang -gliding lessons. What's the key to getting the most out of life? Feel like you're constantly getting off the roller coaster.
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Now how much would you pay to wake up like that every day for the rest of your life? $5,000? $10,000? You really want to get up that way ! So come on! Let's go! Take advantage of the power of fear as a tool to tackle all your "I can'ts." Make a list of these "I can'ts" and put a price tag on them. What is the reward, and what is the consequence? Having this clarity will turn you into a very effective human being.
As long as you will march faster and do the right thing by getting paid $100,000, it's better to take the money and do the right thing! Suppose there was a program to help bring homeless people into the community shelter. Ideally, you would do this for free. But if you were offered $100 for every homeless person you brought to the shelter, you'd bring in more. Did the reward "corrupt" you? No. It just gave you a stronger motivation for doing what you already knew was right. And there's an added consideration as well. Hopeful ly, acting out of fear will eventually lead you to do the right thing out of love.
We use the ostrich syndrome. We see but we don't see. We say: "Not me, I will never nag my children. Not me, I will never be depressed. Not me, I will never get divorced." Do you really think you are going to be d ifferent? Be real! You are one of them! Whenever you see tragedy, learn how to avoid it. If you see someone getting mugged, you know not to go down that street again. Whatever it is, draw a lesson. When you see a divorce, fear the possibility that this wil l happen to you. That's called "being real." Apply the same thing to the Jewish people. In 1967, there was a worldwide recognition that the Jewish state was in high jeopardy of being wiped out. People came to Israel or offered help in other ways -- to donate money, time, influence, activism. The fear, the threat, brought them to a sudden realization of how deeply they care about the Jewish people. How would you feel if, God forbid, the State of Israel was wiped out? Be real with the consequences of life. You don't need a roller coaster. All you have to do is to take a subway at midnight. Or remember that Saddam has the atom bomb. Look around and read the headlines. It's a threatening world. Carry that fear with you and use it as a positive motivator for gr eatness.
Fear helps you do what's right, not what society thinks is right. Fear gets you in touch with your own mortality; death is the most potent fear. Fear is an exercise in free will. Be afraid of a meaningless ol d age. If you live as though there will always be a tomorrow, then you'll never make much of today. Fear is not restricting. Fear is power and freedom. With fear, you can feel the thrill of life 100 percent of the time.
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Does humility really generate charisma?! Don't we usually imagine the humble person as meek, hunched over, and barely noticeable? Let's define our terms. Humility is not an inferiority complex or lack of self -esteem. Humility means "living with the reality that nothing matters except doing the right thing." The humble person is totally dedicated to the pursuit of truth. And because his self-esteem is not dependent on approval from others, he can choose the right thing even when it's not popular or politically cor rect. An arrogant person, on the other hand, is mostly concerned with his own ego, his own pride, his own money. So even though he appears friendly and charming, he's really manipulating things to suit his selfish needs.
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"Arrogance" = I'm all that counts. "Humility" = What's greater than me counts.
"helping" careers like health care and social work. Money alone is not enough pleasure to carry one through a lifetime. Unfortunately we often get side -tracked by the mundane issues of daily life. Amidst all the errands, meetings and e-mails, we lose clarity on what is ultimately meaningful. One way to focus is to ask yourself: "What am I living for? Am I eating to live, or living to eat? Do I work to live, or live to work?" Every day you have to re -ask these questions. This will help to keep your job, relationships, and overall goals in perspective. So what are you living for? Do some research. See if your "life goal" is truly meaningful, or just some abstract notion. If you hear a voice say, "There's no real objective purpose to life ," check out whether that's true before you concede. Don't give up so quickly. Don't fall in with the cynics. Meaning is too vital to ignore. Just like food and water, your health depends on it.
obituary. For what do you want to be remembered? This gives you objectivity and perspective. Once you've found a cause so meaningful that you'd forfeit your life for it, then you have the answer to the more important question: What you should be living for. And when you indeed live for that cause, you will have unparalleled power, purpose and pleasure. Now make a plan to implement this into your day -to-day life. Start slowly, taking one small step at a time, so not to be overwhelmed. Keep your eye on the goal and gauge your progress every day. Connecting with your ultimate purpose is a big project. But there's no better use of your time and energy. Are you up to the challenge?
Moses was called "the most humble" because he stood before God with the utmost respect. With awe. Moses knew his place. Anything else precludes room for God to fit in. That's why the Talmud likens arrogance to idol worship; both push away the presence of God. In any situation, ask yourself: "What would God want?" Do what He says, and you'll always be doing the right thing.
Open Up To Wisdom
Use humility to open yourself up to wisdom. Without humility we can't hear wisdom, because we are too stuck in our own subjective reality. The Sages ask a fundamental question: Why was the Torah given in a desert ? Because a desert is empty. What this means is that to acquire Torah - to receive God's wisdom - we must first be willing to open up space inside. One way to attain more objectivity is to give someone else advice. Dealing with external issues will help you see your own situation more clearly. The bottom line: The more you rise above the need for others' approval, and develop your inner sense of self-esteem, the more charisma you will possess. And that's something no one can ever take away from you.
Humility generates truth an d objectivity. Humility is freedom. Your personality expresses itself in an organic, internally generated, and more real way. Humility is pleasure. Arrogance is pain. Humility enables you to embrace others. Humility deepens your relationship with God. Until you know what you are willing to die for, you have not yet begun to live.
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Way #8 is B'simcha - with joy. Some people may have more "natural" joy. But joy can be studied and mastered like any other tool. When you have joy, you can do anything better, stronger, faster. Your memory is better. Your drive on the golf course is better. Your sales pitch is better. Everything is better. You're not reaching your potential unless yo u have joy. A pro athlete, no matter how many times he steps up to the plate, still needs a thrill from the pitch, the swing, the fresh spring air, the cheering crowd. Otherwise his game is flat; he's playing by rote. It's the same in life. When you have joy, you live with a different verve. Joyous people are energetic and ambitious. There's never enough time to do everything you want to do. So whether you're studying, touring, working or relaxing, first get into a state of joy. It will give you a big boost of power and confidence.
Counterfeit Joy
Remember when your home team won the World Series? The city erupted in energy and euphoria and thousands took to the streets. But in the end there was violence and destruction and arrests. Is this what joy is supposed to produce? Did those people have joy or didn't they? What went wrong? It wasn't joy. It was hysterical delusion. Learn to differentiate between real joy, which generates the power to accomplish, and illusory joy, whose burst of energy fades into a let -down. Illusory joy is New Year's Eve and you celebrate all night long. "The world is perfect and I love everyone!" But there's a let -down. More than any other day, New Year's Eve has the highest rate of suicides. People who win the hundred -million-dollar lottery jump with joy. What is their anticipation? To travel around the world, to be important. "Now I'm going to do whatever I feel like the rest of my life. I am free, a master of my fate. No more work, no more worries, no problems, no nothing. A hundred million dollars!" Will that sensation last? You know you can have tons of money and be thoroughly miserable. The lottery winner may not know what he wants to achieve with his life. So the joy is an illusion. After a year, he's back in university, the hund red million dollar university student. Why? "Maybe philosophy will interest me..." Joy isn't silly drunkenness, playing jokes, or making fun of people. Joy is the deep happiness that comes with fulfilling your potential.
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If you know what you want out of li fe, then you can go after it even without a hundred million dollars. A shot of joy and you're ready to go. Do you see how this is power for living?
Internal, External
Judaism has a principle called Chitzonit mi'orrer pi'nimiut - "the external awakens the internal." This means it is possible to develop an emotional state by acting as if you're already in that state. For example, studies show that smiling when you're "sad" can improve your mood. There is a direct correlation between activating the physical muscles and your emotional state. Do things that require joy, and you will become more joyful. For example:
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Wear nice clothes. Eat delicious food. Sing. Take a long walk on the beach. 42
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Think positive thoughts. Spend time with friends. Do kindness for others. Ponder how great it is to be alive. Call your parents and thank them for giving you life.
Once you feel joy, channel it in a productive direction. Don't just sit back and bathe in the joy. You have the energy to go out and do something fantasti c. Help someone in need. Or tackle a job you couldn't face.
State Of Mind
Many people don't experience joy because they take life for granted. That is, until they almost die. Someone who survives a car crash never lives the same again. Or someone who had cancer and is dismissed from the hospital with a clean bill of health. He bounces around telling everyone, "Isn't life wonderful? I'm alive!" People think he's crazy. No one should be that happy unless he's won a million dollars!
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Appreciate what you have. God created us for pleasure. What is the pleasure of being alive? Your hands! Your feet! Your eyes! Your mind! Learn to feel that pleasure. It will be with you always, wherever you are. Happiness is not a happening. Happiness is a state of mind. You can have everything in the world and still be miserable. Or you can have relatively little and feel unbounded joy. Learn the pleasure of just being, the simple joy of being alive. Then you have a basis to become more and more and more. Otherwise, it's just a sensation, a dream, an illusion. What will a new car give you? What will a million dollars give you? It will give you a way of running away from life, to dream, to be comfortable ... snug as a bug in a rug.
-- Thank you, God, for giving me life. -- Thank God I can see. -- Thank God I can use my hands and feet. -- Thank God I can think.
If you master the art of noticing, appreciating and consciously enjoying what you already have, then you will always be happy. Beyond this: When we are joyous, then God is joyous (so to speak) and showers us with blessings. In other words, if we take pleasure in what God has given us, He'll give us more. That's why King David said: "Serve God with joy." He doesn't want any glum -faced people around. It is our obligation. Conversely, the Torah says we will be punished "because you did not serve God with joy." You can do every obligation under the sun - serve your parents, and help humanity - but if you don't do it with joy, the Almighty is going to hold you accountable. Why? Because He wants us to have the maximum pleasure. You don't enjoy your hands and your fee t? You don't think the world is beautiful? You are serving the wrong God. He will take it away. Watch out! 44
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That's why on Tisha B'Av, the Jewish national day of mourning, you are not allowed to learn Torah. Because Torah is joy. The great kabbalist, the AriZal (16th century Israel) said that "joy opens the doors to great heights of wisdom." The mor e wisdom you gain, the happier your life will be. There is a natural joy in acquiring wisdom even if you don't apply it. It is meaningful. You have broadened your existence. Beyond this, whenever you learn a piece of wisdom, figure out how it can enhance your life in a practical way. If you pick up a stone and see that it's a diamond, you'll be dancing down the street straight to the jeweler's. But if you pick up a diamond and start playing marbles with it, it's going to end up in the trash heap. The Sages use a stronger metaphor. They say that learning Torah and forgetting it is like burying your own children. You have lost a piece of reality, a connection to eternity. So whatever wisdom you learn, review it, memorize it, and keep it in front of you. Use it to achieve your loftiest goals. And when you need to, turn it on in the face of adversity.
Joy gives you power and energy. With joy, you will knock the ball right out of the park. It is natural to feel joy; it is human to overlook it. Don't suffer your problems. Solve them. Why wait until you're almost dead to appreciate how good life is? Do the will of God and yo u're connected to eternity.
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To develop concentration, choose one thought, focus intently, and work it through. (Of course, the prerequisite to concentrate on one idea totally is that it must be interesting and important to you.) Once you've mastered a single track, you can expand to the other 69 tracks of your mind. In Judaism we say "sh'veeti Hashem l'neg'di tamid" - ?I place the Almighty before me always.? One track should always be reserved for God. It's like if you're married, you don't want to go anywhere and forget abou t your spouse. So too, it's not good to forget the Almighty. Walk with Him at all times.
to waste time," and turn it into the idea: "Life is precious." The next step i s to take it from your mind and put it into action. To ignore it and go on is living a conflicted life.
Emotional Purity
We've all seen a football team running onto the field after a pep talk. They are going berserk. Get out of the way! Or the sales manager gives his Monday morning pep talk: "We're going to hit the phones and sell 100 policies today!? If you're the poor guy who gets called first, you've bought five policies before you know what hit you. Just as you need purity of mind, you also need purity of heart - "one emotion at a time.? Different emotions can invade at the wrong time, and if you're not clear, you'll get pulled in too many directions. Being pulled in opposite directions causes paralysis. There's an old saying that "the donkey died because he couldn't decide between two bales of hay.? Before entering a situation, decide in advance which emotion you want to "ride." If you're going to a wedding and it's important to have joy, don't drift to extraneous topics like: How will they support themselves? How does my hair look? Will I have the salmon or the beef? Instead, focus on the singular emotion and tell yourself, "I'm going to be joyful - and no one's gonna stop me!" Actually, Judaism says to always save one track of emotion for joy. Isn't lif e good? Feel it all the time and you'll have energy for everything. When you get up in the morning, turn on that switch. Which emotion are you riding today? Joy! When you first open your eyes, thank God, and decide that life is good and it's going to be a great day. No headaches, no problems, no troubles. Joy is the keynote for your day. Even if you don't ?feel? cheerful, fake it. Emotional purity is an act of discipline. You are the master of your mind. Intensify your will and pull your mind where you want it to be. Before long, your internal reality will catch up with your external actions.
Block It Out
Get a hold of crippling negative emotions and block them out. If you feel a negative emotion, realize that you have the ability to "let go" and feel upbeat in a moment. It's only wounded pride that says, "I have to pout a while longer before I can get over this one." The negative energy is hurting no one but yourself. You have the power of free will to lift yourself out of it. This is especially important in times of confusion and anxiety. You have a flight to catch, but the taxi arrives late and then you're caught in traffic. Don't sit there aggravated, seething and kicking yourself. It will ruin your day. Instead, switch to positive thoughts: ?Okay, so I missed the plane. But I can still enjoy the view!? Of course, if there's something to do about it, do it. But otherwise, block it out.
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Imagine a surgeon who had an argument with his wife this morning. He's aggravated, and now he's going to operate. How can h e possibly concentrate? He's a trained professional. He'll block it out. Be ruthless in your focus. It's not always bad to be ruthless. If the surgeon doesn't ruthlessly focus, he'll endanger the patient. The goal, of course, is not to be devoid of emotion s, but to control them and apply them appropriately. Some people abuse the tool of ?emotional block? when it comes to things they don't want to deal with. Talk to someone about nuclear war. ?There's no such threat. It can't be. It's too upsetting. Leave me alone.? Or try to convince a racist of the beauty of every human being. They don't hear you. They block you out. They're not interested in the subject, finished! How do you avoid this trap? Be interested in truth, wherever it will lead. If you find truth and it conflicts with your prior beliefs, dissolve your prejudices. Be relentless in the pursuit of truth. ?I have to change my whole life? Okay, I am not afraid.?
Multiple Emotions
Just as we have 70 tracks of intellect, we also have 70 tracks of emotions. It is possible to feel both happy and sad at the same time. Imagine you got a great promotion, but it means relocating to another city. That's mixed emotions. Or a close relative dies and leaves you a large sum of money. There is a whole kish-bosh of emotions storming through you at one time. In order to master these emotions, you have to take one at a time. Always ask yourself, "What am I feeling now? Anxious? Happy? Both?" Once you identify your emotion, you can control the switch. If you're all fired up at work, but then an urgent call comes from your spouse, you won't say, "One minute, I've got to close this deal first." You will stop and switch around.
Private Time
Judaism has a concept of meditation, but it is not aimless. Meditation does not mean chanting a word that does not make sense to you. Rather, it means taking one subject and immersing yourself completely, to the exclusion of all other subjects. Use "tunnel vision" to connect with your deepest emotions on God, life, humanity, family, suffering, etc. Jews throughout the ages have engaged in meditation. The silent Amidah prayer is regarded as a long, meaningful meditation. The founders of the Jewish people Abraham, Moses, King David - were all shepherds. It afforded them time to medita te alone under the awesomeness of the heavens, and it gave them private time to 51
concentrate on lofty spiritual ideas, to get into the right frame of mind to speak with God. To meditate, try saying a single word out loud, and concentrate on it's meaning. After 10 minutes, your mind will be fully focused.
Interrupt the daydreaming process. Apply yourself to the task with single -minded dedication. Incorporate what you've studied into your behavior. Contemplate one idea at a time and clarify i t to the fullest extent. Take one emotion and experience it to the fullest. 52
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Link your emotions to your goals. Success depends largely on the intensity of ambition. Take one emotion and pump it up. You are the master of your mind. You can train it to focus. Block out insanity. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
Be an apprentice. Follow your mentor around. Accompany him to meet ings and on errands. Observe every nuance. You can read all about it in a textbook, but the best education is to watch an expert work. Serving your mentor makes you closer to him. You will be alert and eager to hear his advice. You'll have more respect for his wisdom. You'll understand what makes your mentor a cut above the rest. Above all, you will learn and you will grow.
What does it mean to be a "good person?" How can I be kind to others without being taken advantage of? How can I control my anger? What is the key to greatness? How can I maximize my time? What makes a marriage successful? How do I use my full potential? How do I break out of laziness? How do I get more joy in living? How can I have more patience with my children? How can I be a better son/daughter? What are my responsibilities to my community? What is the meaning of existence? What does God want from me? Is there an afterlife? How do we achieve world peace?
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dismiss what he says as "You go your way and I'll go mine." You owe your teacher respect. You've accepted that responsibility. This doesn't mean you follow the mentor blindly. You don't have to agree, but you are obligated to try and understand his position. Work through the issues together. Figure out who's making a mistake. Tell him: "Either convince me or agree with me." That is the power of having a mentor, because the message eventually penetrates your wall of defense. You will overcome some bad mistakes. Furthermore, we humans are very subjective about ourselves. We twist reality and can't see ourselves. A mentor gives you objective feedback. He reduces your capacity to rationalize. You feel accountable and think twice before you act. " What would my mentor say if I did this?" If you can't come up with a good answer, don't do it. To get started, go ask three people: "What do you recommend I do in this situation?" Get some advice, and if you disagree, argue it out with them, respectfully. Try it.
To learn about life, you need a mentor, someone to guide you on a rational and consistent path. Human beings are subjective. We need someone to help give us objectivity. Independence is human natur e, but if you don't moderate it, it will stand in the way of your growth. Be a student of truth. The most destructive disease is ignorance - not being connected with reality. Get in touch with those who understand life and pump them for information. Go find a teacher now.
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yourself to the ideas of others. "You don't have to kill me. If you persuade me that you're right, then I'll join you." We need real friends - someone you can trust, to discuss plans, feeling s, ambitions. With a friend, you don't worry about scoring points or winning ego contests. A good friend will listen to the pros and cons and give you straight, honest feedback. This is especially important with decisions like: Should I marry so -and-so? Should I accept this job offer? Should I move into this neighborhood? Everyone has different insights. Amongst many people you'll find many solutions. Some roads can be traveled alone, but the road of life shouldn't be one of them. Go with a friend.
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Common Resolutions
Do your discussions often end in someone getting aggravated, agitated an d abusive? A successful discussion is built around the maxim: "People of goodwill who reason together will reach a common conclusion." This means:
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I am willing to hear the other side. I want to know the truth. I will consider the evidence. I am willing to change, even if it's painful.
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How do you get the other guy into this? Remind him: "I want to know the truth, just as you want to know the truth. You think you have evidence, and I think I have evidence. So let's compare. If I'm making a mistake, please sho w me. I am willing to change. Either convince me or join me!" Instead of sticking to the facts, people often end up attacking each other. Whenever you get into a discussion with someone who is insulting or antagonistic, stop and focus both of you on "goodwill." Define your terms together. Bring the conversation into rational terms. Otherwise, you are boxed into your respective positions and there is no use arguing. The key is to be a judge, not a lawyer. What's the difference between a judge and a lawyer? A lawyer argues for the side that's paying his fee. A judge remains objective so he can weigh both sides and discover the truth. People who get into arguments as "lawyers" are only interested in winning the discussion. They may "listen" to the other p erson, but they don't really "hear." They hear only what they want to hear. Imagine you have a confrontation with your auto mechanic. "You did a terrible job on my car." He says: "I did a terrible job? You are a bum of a client!" Diffuse the tension. Tell him: "Look, if I made a mistake, I want to admit it. If you made a mistake, do you want to admit it? Okay, let's look at the evidence." This is a different way of dealing with problems, a different communication climate. You have a good chance of turning a round a belligerent customer, an irate parent, or an insubordinate child. We have the ability to reason together. As the Talmud says: The way to tell if an argument is sincerely about the truth, is when both people come out loving each other more in the en d. It isn't easy, but it's worthwhile.
Pursuit Of Truth
To make the most out of your discussions, have a list of important topics ready (either on paper, or mentally). At lunch, take a break from discussing the stock market and instead talk about important ideas. At first, it may be difficult to get your friends into it, but once you do, they'll love you for it. The most important subjects to deal with are those that form our basic outlook - e.g. the existence of God, why is there suffering, free will, the purpose of life. In Judaism, we understand these concepts by learning Torah. And the preferred method for Torah study is with a partner (chevruta in Hebrew). Working it out with a friend is an essential part of finding truth. If Torah is God's instructions , we'd better get it straight! The Talmud speaks about the great scholar Rabbi Yochanan and his study partner Reish Lakish. The two learned together for many years, until one day Reish Lakish got sick and died. Rabbi Yochanan was totally distraught over th e loss. His students 60
tried to comfort him by saying, "Don't worry, Rabbi. We'll find you a new study partner - the most brilliant man in town." A few weeks later, Rabbi Yochanan was seen walking down the street, totally depressed. "Rabbi, what's the proble m?" his students asked. "We sent you a brilliant study partner. Why are you so sad?" Rabbi Yochanan told them: "He is indeed a scholar. In fact, he's so brilliant that he can come up with 24 ways to prove what I'm saying is correct. But when I studied with Reish Lakish, he brought 24 proofs that I was wrong. And that's what I miss! I want a partner who will criticize and question. That's what Torah study is all about." Criticism leads to growth. And growth is the excitement of life. But criticism is also a difficult thing to accept. Some people are so afraid to reveal mistakes that they'd rather be recluse. The trick is to find friends who are sensitive enough to give positive feedback, along with the criticism. If you want greatness, you need teamwork. So p ut your ideas on the market place. Anything great in this world has been accomplished through teamwork: the moon shot, the Internet, civil rights. If you are proved right, you accomplish little. But if you are proved wrong, you gain much - you learn the truth. The Talmud goes so far as to say, "chavruta o matuta" - a study partner or death. "Death" in this context means wasting time and opportunities. A study partner forces you to be real with yourself. Become the type of person who seeks truth, who wants t o "do the right thing." That is the way to communicate with others.
Friends are too important to leave to chance. Choose a friend to accomplish life goals with. Discuss ideas with others who can be more objective than we are about ourselves. Close friends stimulate and expand your ideas. To achieve greatness, you need others to help you get there. You need teamwork. You are affected by friends and environment. If they want wisdom, you'll want wisdom. If you find yourself at a philosophical loggerhead, remember that people of goodwill who reason together will reach a common conclusion. A primary goal in life is to correct your mistakes. Don't be afraid to find out if you've made a mistake.
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When you reduce ignorance in the world, even by a little bit, you give a great gift to mankind. Some diseases only a doctor can treat, but ignorance can be cured by everyone who takes wisdom seriously. Help cure the international ignorance problem. Teach wisdom.
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There was no guarantee of success. But inasmuch as it was their own children, there was no alternative but to try. And the Almighty helped them. After six years, they developed a synthetic enzyme which can effectively treat the condition - and their two children became the first in the world to have a hopeful prognosis. So how do we get motivated to help? We've got to care. When we care enough, we will make the effort.
Make It Real
Know your material inside and out. Before communicating an idea, review the main points. This builds confidence, so at the moment of teaching , you can focus less on content and more on presentation. You can't recite dead notes. Even if you've already taught the same material 100 times, it has to be real to you. It has to invigorate you. This will translate into your personal sincerity coming through. For as the Sages say: "What comes from the heart, goes into the heart ." It is best to review on a schedule, at least once a year. You'll be in good company: The Talmud says that God reviewed the Torah fours times before transmitting it to Moses!
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Inspire Action
It's possible to be exposed to an idea, think you understand it, and almost totally miss its point. That is why people are sometimes inconsistent - and even contradictory - in their actions. Teaching is not just conveying bits and bytes of information; it's about affecting a change in behavior. Figure out how to transmit an idea, so that others will not only appreciate it, but will actually put it into practice. Otherwise, you haven't succeeded in "teaching." Ideas impact people. Ideas chang e the way people think - and give them the tools to change the way they act. Develop a good lesson plan. Work through the stages of bringing people to actual implementation.
The test of whether you've grasped an idea prop erly is to teach it to others. Until then, you don't really understand it. We all want to be good. Sharing your wisdom gives you the self -respect that comes through sharing. If your own child needed to know something important, you'd care enough to teach it. Teach whenever you can. The more you practice, the better you get. Teaching others in a meaningful way is a deep expression of creativity. Students make you honest with yourself. If you have a piece of wisdom, there's a moral obligation to share. Teaching others contributes to the betterment of the world.
People want immediate results and tend to lack patience when it comes to making decisions. People may even throw themselves into a certain decision - for better or for worse - just to get the decision out of the way. Others may excessively mull over decisions, lacking the confidence to come to the right conclusion. Whatever the case, decisions can come back and haunt us. And we wonder: "Why didn't I think this through better?" Take note of how you make decisions. Do you deliberate and consider the weight of important issues? Or is it impulsive and without thought of consequence? Or do you simply shrug your shoulders and make a decision out of ignorance?
Way #13 is Bi-yishuv - literally "by sitting." Life has decisions to be made at every moment. So don't be hasty. Slow down. Examine all the aspects. Reflect. Deliberate.
Make the best decisions you can, but don't get so wrapped up in yourself that you're afraid to commit to a final decision. These techniques will help you solve problems that inevitably arise in career, marriage, and parenting. And once you do make your decision, you'll move forward with confidence, knowing it was the best decision possible.
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With everything you want to achieve - and the short time you have to do so - taking time to deliberate is the best investment you'll ever make.
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When someone hurts or insults you, wait before you react. You're naturally on the defensive. Be careful not to say anything you'll later regret. Before you start shouting, pause. Catch a hold of yourself and count to 10. Similarly, when someone asks you a question, think before you answer. Don't be afraid to say "I don't know." When asked for your point of view, learn to say, "I'm not sure," or "It seems to me..." In the lo ng run, you'll gain respect. TOOL #4 - Analyze The Info If it's not worth mulling over, it's not worth studying in the first place. Because all that information may just overload and confuse you. When you hear or read something, train yourself to sum up the central point in a few words. If you don't take the time to think over what you've learned, you're viewing the world blindly through someone else's eyes. Next, examine the implications of the new idea. It helps to have a list of standard probing questions like:
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Is the source objective? What is the evidence cited? What aspects don't I understand? What are the implications/consequences of this for my life?
Asking these questions will sharpen your analytical abilities, and will help you apply what you learn. Next, take a piece of paper and write out the pros and cons. This gets the ball rolling in a constructive direction. Even though it may seem like this process will slow you down, once you master the technique, it will become more automatic. Then you'll be able to analyze things with lightning speed, and make better, faster decisions. TOOL #5 - Be Prepared You need to distinguish between "reality" and "moods." Deliberating before you confront a problem will enable you to act with greater confidence when t he problem does arise. So before you enter a situation that could backfire - a job interview, a family gathering, etc. - consider in advance what you'll have to confront, and practice for it. Role-play in front of a mirror (or with a friend) and prepare ca tch-phrases that - in the heat of the moment - keep you focused. When you're prepared, you're confident. And then no one will be able to pull the rug out from under your feet. TOOL #6 Give It Time 69
Did you ever go to sleep with a problem and then wake up with a solution? To gain clarity, you sometimes have to walk away from a situation and then come back to it later. If you feel yourself coming up empty, take a break for while and come back refreshed. You are more clever and resourceful than you give yourself credit for. Solutions may jump right out at you the next time around. Over time, we get answers. So stick with it. Ask others for advice. Ask God to help. The clarity will come.
We all want greatness. It take s time and hard work to achieve it. When you reach an impasse, pause and analyze. Deal with the problem. Don't look for the quick, easy solution. Careful reflection ensures a much wiser response than an impulse reaction. To know what you're living for, take the time to think it through. Otherwise you could end up with a very superficial life.
1. Torah - The Five Books of Moses, revealed to the Jewish people by God at Mount Sinai. 2. Prophets - God spoke to various prophets (e.g. Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel) who transmitted messages strengthening the Jewish commitment to Torah. 3. Writings - The Writings (e.g. Proverbs, Psalms, Esther) emphasize God's message in a poetic style. The Bible is the all-time bestseller and has made an enormous impact on Western civilization. Everyone should study the Bible at least once in a lifetime. "All men have an inalienable right" - straight from the Bible. "Love your neighbor" the Bible. Isaiah's vision of peace adorns the United Nations. The biblical sanction to "proclaim freedom throughout the land" is engraved on the Liberty Bell.
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You don't need to accept the existence of God to learn these basic lessons. Whether interpersonal relationships, self -awareness, community relations, or environmental concerns - Torah is the ultimate "owner's manual." On a deeper level, Jewish tradition says that Torah is the "blueprint for creation." Everything in life can be found in Torah... if you ask the right questions, and poss ess the right set of tools.
Intergalactic Communication
Imagine you received a message from outer space. You might not fully understand its meaning, but you are fascinated. You will study every word and try to decode it. Torah is the word of God, communicated to the Jewish people at Mount Sinai. If a piece of Torah doesn't seem to make sense, don't pass it off as irrelevant. Keep asking, searching, delving. Look deeper into what each piece of Torah is telling you. All the stories and commandments are really philosophical messages waiting to be revealed by the intellectually active mind. The Flood, the Tower of Babel, the splitting of the Red Sea - all contain the deepest wisdom for living. Even dates, names, numbers, events and lineage all teach us something . The message is often between the lines. And when the message seems obvious, there's more below the surface. Let's take an example. In Genesis chapter 18, Abraham is in the middle of conversing with God. Then three strangers pass by and Abraham immediatel y runs to serve them. At this point the alert reader should question: Why would Abraham stop talking to God in order to help strangers? It doesn't make sense. Even an atheist would admit that talking to God is the ultimate experience! From here we learn a profound spiritual lesson: Even more important than talking to God, is to be like God. What does it mean to "be like Him"? God created the world for our pleasure. Everything he placed here - fruit, hands, love - are manifestations of His kindness. This world is one big hospitality inn. So when you take the role of host, of serving your fellow man, you are like God. Abraham was wealthy and famous, yet it was not beneath him to serve strangers. He understood the lesson. Read the Bible intelligently. It is the guiding force of Jewish achievement, as fresh today as it was 3,500 years ago. Don't discount its value without first making an effort to study it. Respect the Bible. It is a hidden treasure, a special message from God.
The Original
If you want to understand the Bible, you need to learn Hebrew. There's no way to get the full meaning in translation. 71
For example, the Torah uses 10 different names for God. Each "name" refers to a unique aspect of God's essence: all-knowing, all-powerful, prime mover, merciful, etc. But in English, these names are all translated the same, and much of the depth is lost. Worse yet, biblical translation promotes misconceptions. For example, you'll read a translation and come across the word "sin." Uh -oh. Sin, evil, punishment. But the Hebrew word Chet does not mean sin at all. Chet appears in the Bible in reference to an arrow which missed the target. There is nothing inherently "bad" about the arrow (or the archer). Rather, a mistake was made - due to a lack of focus, concentration or skill. From here we learn that human beings are essentially good. Nobody wants to sin. We may occasionally make a mistake, lose focus, and miss the target. But in essence we want to do good. This is a great lesson in self -esteem. Simply adjust your aim and try again! In translation, the message is lost. In fact, entire religions have arose based on mistranslations. So get it straight. Learn Hebrew.
Preconceived Notions
I once came across a magazine profiling a group of hippies who spent the day reading the biblical "Song of Songs." "Song of Songs" is written in the form of a poem, a love song between a man and a woman, symbolizing the relationship between the Almighty and humanity. The message is so deep and beautiful that the Jewish people call this bo ok the "holy of holies." On the commune, they had an experience where the men recited the man's lines, and the women recited the woman's lines. The magazine reports that they read through "Song of Songs" and had a fantastic experience. Afterward, the women proclaimed that they finally found a portion of the Bible written by a woman, because no man could ever understand a woman's feelings so deeply and state them so powerfully. In other words, they concluded that only a hermaphrodite could have edited the Bi ble. But God? No, that's inconceivable. Unfortunately, Bible critics usually come from a preconceived position, and when the Bible doesn't fit those parameters, they are forced to make far -fetched conclusions. They don't seriously consider the idea of Tora h's divine authorship, of "national revelation." Yet it is an unbroken Jewish tradition that 3 million men, women and children stood at Mount Sinai and heard the Torah directly from God. And in the 3,300 years since, no other religion has ever made such a claim - because it is impossible to fabricate.
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learning one chapter, pause and assign a code word or phrase to the chapter. You'll have a handy device to recall the wisdom it contains. Some people use the excuse, "I'm too old to begin le arning." But the Talmudic scholar Rebbe Akiva didn't even learn the Aleph -Bet until he was age 40. This is the same Rebbe Akiva who became the greatest sage of his generation with 24,000 students! Some people are hesitant to learn Torah because they can't imagine ever becoming a scholar, so therefore "why even get started?" This is faulty thinking. Every drop of Torah study is precious and eternal.
Tree Of Life
There are two ways to acquire wisdom: through life experience, or through learning Torah. Judaism says it's better to get wisdom through Torah. Why? Because even though you can learn from experience, there's a negative residual effect. True, a woman who goes through a series of failed relationships will eventually learn what's important in a husband. But if she'd first studied wisdom, she'd have saved a lot of needless headache. We learn this lesson from the Garden of Eden. Here is a story that sounds like a real fairytale: two trees in the middle of the garden, and God instructs Adam that the Tree of Life (symbolizing the attainment of wisdom through Torah) is made to be eaten, whereas the Tree of Knowledge (symbolizing wisdom through experience) is better avoided. Adam's mistake? He eats from the Tree of Knowledge. We don't have the patience to get to know ourselves and we want to learn from experience. Many people say: "After I make money, when my business is self sustaining, then I'll take time out to learn Torah. But I need to experience life a little first." Three divorces later... Do not say: "When I have free time, I will study," for perhaps you will never have time. Realistically, once you're promoted to VP of the firm, do you expect to have more free time, or less free time? The Torah is a "tree of life" for those who grasp it. When we study Torah, we are not studying an abstract and arcane text of the ancient world. We are in fact discovering the essence of ourselves.
Read the Bible from beginning to end. If you haven't yet learned Hebrew, buy an authentic Jewish translation. (Recommended: ArtScroll's "Stone Chumash") 74
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Learn Torah. Discover God's instructions for living. Don't wait until your life is almost over. Understand Torah. It's the book that changed the world. Ask questions until you know the message in detail. Correlate any differences and resolve them. There are no "unintentional" discrepancies in Torah. Look in the book and you will find it. Organize it. Wisdom is only useful when it's at your fingertips. Torah should be your encyclopedia , almanac and index to living. Review Torah, in order to remember. You wouldn't head out on the open road without a map. When going through life, don't leave the Torah behind. Integrate Torah. Make the ideas part of your reality. Rebbe Akiva said that a Jew without Torah is like a fish without water. Update it. Renew Torah wisdom as your life situation changes. Don't "honor your parents" at age 25 the same way you did at age five. Upgrade it. The first paragraph of the "Shema" contains 48 words, corresponding to the 48 Ways. Torah wisdom is infinitely vast. Always delve one level deeper.
Imagine you want to get married. There are a lot of mistakes you might make, and once the other person says "yes," you want it to be a one -way trip. So make a checklist before you propose. What character traits are vital for an enduring marriage? What is the difference between infatuation and love? What are you looking for in marriage? Somebody to cook you dinner, or the other half of your soul? In a 747, the pilot spends a half-hour going through a checklist, before even pulling the plane onto the runway. (If he didn't, don't get on the plane!) So too, you need a 75
checklist for living. Memorize it and keep it with you at all times. This is what Mishnah is all about.
Transmission Process
Do you have an encyclopedia? When was the last time you used it? Occasionally you need to look up something specific, otherwise it just sits on the shelf. Torah is not a reference work made to sit on a shelf. It is meant to be lived and internalized. In the Bible, the basics are laid out in writing, but the remainder must be learned orally. The give -and-take exchange, from teacher to student, encourages us to discuss and clarify, to know it backward and forward. For millennia, the oral instructions were passed from teacher to student. The student would take notes, then repeat and review until he knew it perfectly by heart. Due to the nature of oral transmission, constant review is the best way to safeguard its integrity: Thousands of people learning the same information guarantees that mistakes do not enter the transmission. Almost 2,000 years ago, the Romans captured Jerusalem and sent the Jews into exile. The president of the Jewish people, Rabbi Yehudah HaNasi, saw that the teacher-student framework was in danger of being disrupted, so he wrote down the Oral Torah - the Mishnah - to avoid it being forgotten. As the generations passed, more information - the Talmud - was written down to explain the Mishnah. Today, the basic laws are published in the Code of Jewish Law (Shulchan Aruch) and its accompanying commentaries. But much of Torah is still preserved in oral form, passed from teacher to student. God, in His infinite wisdom, devised the consummate system for transmitting Torah throughout the generations. It is not a written law, and it is not an oral law. It's both.
Use the Mishnah just as you would an encyclopedia, dictionary or world almanac. When you buy a refrigerator, it comes with a small booklet of instructions. If you buy a 747, it comes with a maintenance library. The Almighty created this world a lot more powerful, and a lot more dangerous. The Torah is the All -World Almanac. Do you want to know how to love humanity? Do you want to refrain from bearing a grudge? Do you want to know the definition of justice? Do you want to know what marriage is all about? Look it up.
Layers Of Depth
A single word in Torah yields multi-layered understandings - if you know how to apply the right tools. The Torah can be understood on four primary levels: 1. "P'shat" - the simple explanation of what the Torah is saying. In 12th century France, Rashi wrote the famous commentary explaining this level. 2. "Drush" - the Midrash gives the homiletic source of biblical concepts, and how to apply them to living. 3. "Remez" - a more sophisticated level of Midrash, where different word pronunciations reveal diff erent meanings. A Torah scroll is not vowellized, to facilitate these elucidations. 4. "Sod" - the hidden mystical meaning of the universe, as explained in the "Zohar." These four levels form the acronym "PaRDeS," which means "orchard." The Torah is filled with delicious spiritual fruits, just waiting to be plucked and savored. In fact, that's why the Almighty created us with the need for food. It's a sign that we need wisdom in order to grow. You can't say, "I ate yesterday," or "I ate years ago and now I don't need to eat anymore." We pray three times a day to parallel the three daily meals. You have to grow everyday, to feed the soul. It's a mistake of Western society that people grow in one aspect but don't grow in others. Someone can become hugely successf ul in business, but be an adolescent in his spiritual life. Realize that just as your professional ambitions are not the same as when you were age 18, so too your approach to God has to mature and develop over time. Furthermore, when eating, you have to chew it over and eventually eliminate the waste. So too, in attaining wisdom, you have to think things over carefully and eliminate the poisonous parts. Otherwise it will contaminate the whole.
If certain symptoms would contradict each other in your bodily functions, you'd go to the doctor and discuss it. So too, when you have a difficulty making sense of Torah, look up what the commentaries have to say. You're probably not the first one to ask this question, and can benefit from the generations of scholars who preceded you. And in recent years, much of this literature has been translated into English. The best option is to ask a qualified rabbi. He can not only answer your question, but can teach you the tools for learning it on your own. Torah, because it is so comprehensive and comes from a Divine source, has immutable principles of study. If you ignore the rules, you're almost certain to arrive at a wrong understanding. In researching and writing "Roots," Alex Haley sweated in a boat trip across the ocean, because he wanted to experience how his ancestors felt as they were transported into slavery. If you want to feel what your Jewish ancestors felt, learn one chapter of Mishnah by heart. That is the Jewish culture at its roots. The beauty of it will get to you. You will appreciate Torah from Sinai. You will understand what the Jewish people are truly about.
If God spoke on Sinai, the message is significant! Look up the explanation of what He said. 78
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Torah is wisdom for living. The more Torah you know, the more fulfilled you become. The Oral Torah is as absolute as the Written. One cannot be understood without the other. Master the Mishnah, and you uncover a whole world of understanding and insight. If you have an insight into living, remember it and integrate it. Get your share of wisdom that the Jewish people have accumulated over time. Jewish consciousness is to know Torah by heart, to repeat and review until it's letter-perfect.
Nobody can eat popcorn all day long without getting bored. But money? All around people are getting swallowed up by their career. "I've got a milli on dollars, but I want 10 million." Why? Because money is a symbol of pleasure. It has the allure of promising everything. Way #16 is bmi'ut s'chorah - "minimize business." Of course you need to work to put food on the table. But too much business will wip e you out. Be aware of your yearning for money, and seek to control it. If you can leave the office one hour early to spend more time with your family, then you are making a conscious decision about priorities. Would you rather be rich or wise? Wise, of co urse. So why do we pursue money with more zeal? Because money is more real to us. The key is to take that motivation for money, and apply it to the more meaningful aspects of life: relationships, spirituality. If your business is worth it, then certainly " You, Inc." is worth it, too. Deal with yourself as if you're a big business. Examine how you strive to make a dollar, and seek wisdom in this same way. Apply business principles to living.
Operate Efficiently
To compete in the marketplace, a business has to function at maximum efficiency. Imagine a worker who takes 10 steps to turn a bolt when he could have done it in two. Multiplied by 1,000 workers at eight hours a day, and that's a huge loss. Apply this idea to your life. When you wake up in the morning, where are your shoes? Wherever you put them! If you're not organized, you could waste five minutes each day. How much of your life will you spend being a shoe seeker? 79
The solution? If this were a business, you'd create a filing system and have a folder labeled: "Shoes." So do the same here - designate one place to put your shoes every day. Apply this to all your activities. Do you have a doctor's appointment coming up? Plan ahead and take something productive to do in the waiting room. Otherwise you're throwing away an hour of your life. When you're trying to close a deal, you'll stay at the office until midnight. And if you're doing business halfway around the world, you'll get up at the crack of dawn. Why? Because customers have to be able to rely on you. And every minute is precious when trying to match the competition. Life is big business. Get organized. Get your time under control. You'll have less stress and achieve more.
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Constantly pursue wisdom. Be a "wisdom-aholic." Just as a self-made millionaire is a magnet for attention and respect, find yourself a mentor for wisdom. Choose someone who is humble, wise, and willing to share his personal formula for success. When your boss talks, you listen. Realize how much you endure in order to advance your career. It's a long haul to the top. If the boss assigns an unpleasant task, you'll do it, because your paycheck and pr omotion depends on it. Similarly, when striving for higher levels of pleasure, don't be wooed by instant gratification. Be willing to invest training, dedication, and self -sacrifice. When you find a mentor, pay attention and follow directions. Imagine you have an unpleasant customer. Do you throw him out of the store? No! If someone can help you profit, he doesn't have to be the most charming soul in the world. If the fee is right, you'll deal with just about anything. Similarly, if a nudnick comes into you r life, put aside personal animosity. Forget whether you like him or not. What's important is how you can forge a relationship to be able to share wisdom with each other. Overlook quirks in others. Learn to deal with all types of people. This will open you up to far-reaching opportunities. Be determined, and keep your eye on the ball. Your emotional and spiritual well being deserves it.
Strategic Planning
A successful business develops short- and long-term plans. They don't say, "Hey, let's open a factory in China. Someone go there and buy a building." No. First they spend six months researching. Where are the raw materials coming from. What is the labor market? What are the taxes and export costs? Good living demands good planning. Because if you don't know your destination, you'll never get there. In the short term, you need to know how you're going to spend tomorrow. What time will you wake up? How will you re -energize your body with lunch? How will you nourish your spiritual soul as well? In the long term, successful people have 1-year and 5-year plans. What will you need to achieve so when you look back after five years you'll feel it was a success? These plans are crucial for getting focused. And they should be constantly reviewed, updated and modified. Always keep you eye on the bigger issues. Ask yourself: "When all is said and done, what do I really want? What is the ultimate? The million -dollar stock portfolio, or a deep relationship with my family and with God?" Know how to prioritize your pleasures. Nobody is going to trade in the pleasure of success for Chinese food. Give each pleasure a value. Will you stay a bachelor all your life? Compare that to the pleasure of having a family. How much is it worth? That's the intelligent way to make decisions. 81
Don't fool yourself into thinking: "I'll get to my family as soon as I've made my million." If you don't start today, it may be too late. Too many people reach age 65 and say, "I missed so many great opportunities. I could have really done something significant, but I postponed it." When a CEO is signing a contract, he calls in the high -powered lawyers to pour over the fine print. "How are you defining this point? How will this affect the bottom line?" Life is too short to be heading in one direction, only to find out later that you're getting something entirely different. Read the fine print, and define your terms: What is happiness? What is pleasure? This is the only way to make sure you don't later become liable for breach of contract - with yourself.
Keep An Accounting
Businesses can rise and fall in the accounting department. To make a profit, the balance sheets must be in good order, and reflect daily profit and loss. This is the yardstick which determines in which direction the business will sail. We all need to take an accounting. What did I accomplish today? What did I lose? Every night before going to bed, look back at the day's events, and evaluate where you profited or lost. Moving up the ladder? No, I had better straighten this place out! The next day, check again. Eventually you will become a great human being. It's also crucial to make a plan for the next day. How are you going to get up in the morning? Are you going to look for your shoes? So write it down: 10 minutes of shoe-seeking. Then are you going to grunt as you stagger to the shower? Okay, budget for that, too. What a day! Better yet, be determined to get a good start. Jump out of bed, and in two minutes you're all dressed and ready to go. It's great to be alive! That's what you would like to do. Now write it down and make a plan. You will put your shoes in the right place. To get the wheels churning, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
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What have I accomplished today? Did I accomplish what I intended? How am I going to improve for to morrow? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What's my profit? What's my loss? How far have I come in my long-term goals? What's holding me back from growing?
Invest Long-Term
A business cannot rest on its laurels. Eventually a competitor will come along with a better and cheaper product. That's why a successful business will invest in research and development to stay on the cutting edge. You, too, should spend time "researching a nd developing" better techniques for living. You want more pleasure? "No thanks, I'm happy enough." That doesn't fly. Imagine an investor coming to General Motors: "I have a great deal to make $200 million this year." "No thanks, we're making enough money already." When investing, a wise business person focuses more on long -term profits than on short. Sometimes, the startup costs are high, and for a few years the business will run in the red. But if it's a good investment, you can look forward to large pro fits down the road. 83
When you make an investment, always take into account the lifetime return. The deeper the goals you pursue, the more long -lasting the joy. For example, if you spend 10 hours learning how to be happy, you will be a better friend, a bette r parent, a better spouse, a better employee. Appreciate what that's worth in totality. It may seem that you "have it all" - a strong marriage, wonderful children, a thriving business. But don't stop at that. Make those pleasures deeper and broader. Are there ways to help your community? Could you improve your child's education? The law of physics states: If it's not growing, it's deteriorating. So don't be "satisfied" with your current level. Always look for new ways to grow.
Test Market
Before a company introduces a new product, they engage in months of research to determine overall costs, marketability, and profit potential. Before making any major life decision - moving to a new city, getting married, or choosing a career - be sure to do a thorough analy sis of the long-term feasibility. Test market your ideas. Don't assume your viewpoint is correct. Share your plan with others. Get together a "focus group," a small cross -section of people who will respond honestly and openly. Bounce your ideas off them. G et somebody to shoot it down. The feedback will let you know if you're on the right track. (For more on this topic, see 48 Ways #11 - "Work it Through With Friends.") The CEO of a large company will gladly take advice from a janitor if it can help make the business more profitable. Yet the same CEO may rebuff advice from his own wife! In the business world, you lose if you don't accept constructive criticism. The same is true of life. Be open to suggestions. "Hang a suggestion box." At the very least, you can always choose to ignore it. Certain business acumen is particularly relevant to small business. For example:
Inventory Control
Did you ever go into a hardware and ask, "Do you have any number 9 nails?" Does the owner say, "Wait, let me look it up in my list"? No way! A small business owner has an uncanny knack for knowing his inventory. If there are 5,000 items in the store, he knows the exact location and price of each item. You have the potential to become wise. Do you know the 48 Ways by heart? No. Why not - too many items? If you value it, you will memorize the list and carry it with you always. Keep tabs on all your resources. Know your strengths, weaknesses, talents and skills. Make a list and write them down. 84
This is essential for making wise decisions about career and relationships. You don't want to be 20 years down the road and discover that you've denied an essential part of who you are. That's setting yourself up for a mid -life crisis. If you're not sure, find out. Ask a trusted friend, or spea k to a career counselor. Then, when opportunity knocks, you'll be ready to answer.
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If you can work hard to make money, you can work at least that hard to have a great life. Value your time, because it is your most precious asset in this world. What makes you successful in business will make you successful in living. No one ever said on his deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." The highest pleasures demand the greatest investments.
There are three aspects of intimacy: 1. Positive : It's important to have some. The human body produces chemical energy in moments of attraction. 2. Negative : Too much will drain you. When our hormones are running the show, we're no longer free. 3. Balance : Decide that your mind is going to dictate your actions. Control your urges. Use intimacy for the right reasons at the right time. The illusion is that the more you satisfy an urge, the more you are satisfied. But in reality, the more you feed an urge, the more it wants. Even in the context of marriage, excess makes the relationship base and self centered. Balance is essential.
Judaism defines marriage as "finding your other half." Through marriage, two people become bound together into a single entity, bringing completeness to each other. The longing for intimacy is really an expression of the longing to be joined together with our "other half." Through the relationship, we express this oneness. We say that a man does not die except to his wife, and a woman does not die except to her husband. Others are pained by death, but a spouse's life is demolished. If they had a strong marriage, the surviving spouse will have to reconstruct their whole existence. Intimacy is not an appetite like every other appetite. It is reserved for the purpose of making oneness. It has to be with love or it is nothing. When a man and woman make a marital commitment, they form a deep spiritual bond. They give to each other, and are committed for a lifetime. Intimacy binds husband and wife together, because it teaches us to focus beyond ourselves. Outside of marriage, intimacy is ultimately frustrating because oneness can never be fully achieved. This is obvious in regard to a short-term encounter. But even in a long-term setting: Without the commitment of marriage, you always keep open the option of leaving the relationship. As a result, the degree of c onnectedness reaches a barrier. Eventually, frustration sets in, and the relationship erodes at its foundation.
Judaism says that intimacy is one of the holiest acts we can perform. In fact, the Hebrew word for the marriage ceremony, "kiddushin," comes from the word "kadosh," holy. Judaism says that the greatest physical pleasure is that which is done for a spiritual reason. That's why on Shabbat, the holiest day of the week, when you are able to get closest to attaining your longing, the Sages specifically enjoin couples to be together. It is important to see how this longing for closeness is driving you. It is very deep. It will give your marriage meaning. "Song of Songs," written by King Solomon, is a love song between a man and a woman. Yet the Talmud calls it the "Holy of Holies" - the most sacred biblical text. Why? Because intimacy is really an expression of our deep desire for the ultimate unity: to connect with God. The verse, "I am to my beloved, and my beloved is to me" (Song of Songs 6:3), refers symbolically to the longing for oneness with God. Bring spiritual awareness into your marriage. The secret to a really a powerful marriage is to walk with God in the middle. Being kind to your spouse is a way of being like God, who created us to give us pleasure. Tapping into this mindse t will give your marriage more meaning and ultimately, more pleasure.
Eternal Bond
The Torah describes a marriage as basar echad - "they will be one flesh." A marriage is not a partnership, not a companionship. It is a oneness. A spiritual bond. The force has put you together. Deep in the instincts of a human being, there is a bond. In the same way that your child is part of you, when you get married, he/she is part of you. That holy bond makes you part of each other for eternity. You are not alone anymore. When you are intimate, you give away a piece of yourself forever. So make sure that the pieces you give away are to the person with whom you want to be eternally joined! This applies in both a metaphysical and emotional sense. Do you remember the first boy/girl you were involved with? Can you recall the wonderful magic?! Shouldn't that magic be reserved for your spouse? Imagine there was only one man/woman in the world. If you could marry the only man/woman in the world, do you understand how precious your relationship would be? That is the power we are talking about. If you bond with others carelessly, it will be tougher and tougher to get married, and stay married. You are always going to compare your spouse: "She is lacking this. He 88
is lacking that. She is lacking this. He is lacking that." You don't have the only man/woman in the world. Make your moves very carefully. It will affect your relations for the whole future.
How you approach intimacy is a barometer for how much you are generally i n control of your desires. Intimacy for its own sake is degrading. Marriage is a holy act of unification which helps lift us into a connection with God. Intimacy is an eternal bond. Choose your eternity carefully. When you choose to minimize, you are in co ntrol.
Did you ever begin a stimulating physical activity and then discover you somehow can't extricate yourself? You pick up a bag of potato chips, and start eating two, three, four, five. Before you know it you're at the bottom of the bag. You didn't really want any more, but you couldn't stop. You passed the point of diminishing r eturns and now you feel sick. While physical pleasure is an essential part of enjoying life, at the same time, we have to know how to control it and harness it. Way #18 is b'miut ta'anug - "minimize physical pleasure." You cannot just eat chocolate bars th e whole day long. That is not living. Human beings are pleasure-seekers. The more pleasure, the more power. Figure out how to transform raw physical sensation into the deeper pleasures of love, meaning, creativity. Don't worry - you won't lose the physical pleasure. You'll actually enhance and appreciate it more.
Gourmet Living
Imagine you're dining on steak and French fries. The first bite, you focus intently on the pleasure, knowing just what part of the mouth tingles and how it lifts your spirits. But what happens next? Before you know it, you're gulping it down. When a connoisseur takes a glass of wine, the "drink" itself is just one aspect of the enjoyment. He sniffs it first, then puts a little in his mouth and swishes it around, checking the fruitiness and bouquet. Only if it passes approval will he swallow. Next time you take a Coke, ask yourself: "How does this affect me? What does it do for me?" For most of us, 90 percent of the Coke goes straight to the stomach without ever passing the taste buds. We don't even have a chance to enjoy it. To get back on track, "identify and intensify" your pleasures. Articulate exactly what is this specific pleasure: What makes it taste good, look good, smell good, feel good? For example:
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Ice cream - cold, sweet, soft. Friends - security, connectedness, sense of being understood. Torah - clarity, wisdom, transcendence
Be a gourmet of life. Focus and make sure you're getting the full pleasure. Swish it around in your mind and prolong its taste. The deeper appr eciation will motivate and energize you.
Secular society, on the other hand, takes the opposite view: Life is the hedonistic pursuit of physical pleasure without restraint. Judaism takes the middle road: God made a physical world not to frustrate us, but for us to enjoy. Life should be beautiful and engaging. Jewish spirituality is not achieved by meditating for years on a mountaintop, or by fasting in a reclusive monastery. Jewish spirituality comes through grappling with the mundane world in a way that uplifts and elevates. On Friday night, we raise the cup of wine and use it not to get drunk - but to make Kiddush and sanctify the Sabbath day. Spirituality, says Judaism, is to be found in the kitchen, the of fice, and yes, even the bedroom. The Almighty created this world for our pleasure. The Talmud says that if a person has the opportunity to taste a new fruit and refuses to do so, he will have to account for that in the World to Come. What is so special abo ut fruits? God could have created bland oatmeal with all the vitamins and minerals necessary for our survival. But fruits are the dessert the Almighty made. It's a labor of love, solely for our pleasure. Refusing to taste it shows a lack of appreciation. The Sages also teach that an elderly person should sit in the sun. No matter how much you appreciate wisdom and learning, you still have to treat the body well. And even when physical strength has dwindled, one can still derive delight from the warmth of the sun. The Torah also instructs us to recite a blessing of thanks before partaking of any food or drink, or even when encountering phenomenon like thunder or a rainbow. Saying a blessing gives us time to pause and reflect, to remember that everything is a grand gift. Take note of how many opportunities you have to take pleasure each day. The sunrise, a splash of cold water, a refreshing breeze. Are you paying attention, or are you riding over them like a bag of potato chips?
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Get in touch with the longing for eternity that everyone has. We are running after materialism - dong, dong, dong, dong! But true satisfaction is not found in your taste buds. It is a longing of the soul. We want infinity. We want meaning. When you get energy from the body, it can help open up the soul. This is the pleasure of Shabbat. It's a beautiful day. Delicious food. You are at peace. The physical pleasure is an incentive. You are takin g the body along with you. Then you can open up the soul and get close to the Almighty. Distinguish one type of pleasure from the next. It's a sure -fire way to know whether you're experiencing raw physical pleasure, or a deeper spiritual pleasure. Physical pleasure is:
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"Enjoy" the pleasure, but don't " need" it. Otherwise you're addicted, you're enslaved. Beware of the body's tricks. Whenever you try to rein in physical pleasures, a little voice inside yells, "This is oppressive, boring, unnatural. I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown!" Be assured. You won't faint because you don't have another jelly bean. People change their habits and live happily ever after. Try it out. Stay focused. Be tough. Just as you learn to drive a car, you have to learn how to drive this machine. You know it has tremendous potential. You have 48 gears, 48 tools to maximize life. Are you getting enough pleasure?
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Be energy conscious. Don't waste time. If you are not translating that ice cream sundae into energy for living, it's a waste. "What is this pleasure really doing for me? Am I using it to dull reality, or energize me to move forward and accomplish?" If it gives you renewed energy, fine. If not, don't. Monitor yourself: What do I want out of these potato chips? A feeling of having tasted something good. Is one enough? I tasted it. No, I want to take th e edge off my hunger, something that is filling and tasty. So how many do you need? Do you see this is an exercise in self -awareness?
To waste anything in life is foolish; to waste pleasure is absurd. The body is to the soul like a car is to the driver. Keep the body feeling good so the soul can tackle what life is about. We live in a "pleasure world." Make sure you get the true, lasting pleasures. 94
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Watch out that you don't use material pleasures as a way of runnin g away from life. Over-indulgence drains self -respect. To get the most pleasure out of life, be full of vitality and purpose. Savor your pleasures like a gourmet. Translate all your pleasures into energy for living. When you have a cup of coffee, you feel good. Now how will you apply that burst of energy? To maximize any physical experience, make sure to get the "meaning" behind it. Don't retreat from life, elevate it. Wisdom is a delicious flavor. Translate the energy of a good ice cream cone into wisdom. Don't get lost in a bag of potato chips.
Don't sleep longer than necessary, and don't "love sleep." Fight the desire for comfort. If you love sleep, you'll yearn to get more of it and wind up sleeping your life away. The best way to take advantage of sleep's recuperative powers is by napping. When you find yourself stymied, take a 20-minute nap. Any longer than that and it's a struggle to regain momentum. Find the right balance. In general, sleep as little as necessary. Minimize sleep - and maximize awareness.
Maimonides writes that eight hours sleep is maximum, unless you are sick. If you train yourself to sleep less, so much the better. You'll have more consciou s time to accomplish, learn, and become wiser. The Vilna Gaon, the greatest rabbi of the past 500 years, would sleep only four 30 -minute intervals each day - a total of two hours of sleep each 24 -hour period. Napoleon used to sleep only four hours a night. He explained: "Every moment I'm awake I can bask in the glory of being the king. But when I'm asleep I lose the experience. What a shame to miss it!" Don't be afraid of sleeping "less than average." A person can actually be in peak physical condition with a minimum amount of sleep. Military recruits are sometimes kept on a regimen of two or three hours of sleep per night. You don't hear them say, "I'm getting delirious... My bones are dissolving... I'm going crazy!" And when they finish boot camp, they're in tip-top physical shape! Of course, each person has his own metabolism and is affected by different levels of sleep. A person can gradually cut down, as long as it is not having a negative effect on his health.
The second wind only comes when we are deeply involved in an activity. Those who are bored just fall asleep... To harness the power of "second wind," learn how to throw yourself into things. When I was a student, we would challenge each other to stay up all Thursday night studying. Try picking such an activity for yourself. It's a proving ground, a test area, for how to struggle against sleep.
These thoughts are flittering through your mind. But as soon as you close the book, it's back to sleep. Is that right? When you have an insight, capture it. Like the time you were driving a car and felt drowsy. You fell asleep for a moment and veered off the road. You caught yourself and for that moment you were wide awake. You remember that adrenalin shock. You are not going to let it happen again. When you gain a moment of clarity, immediately make a decision. Decide that you can change, that things can be differ ent. The Jewish term for spiritual awakening is "teshuva," which means to return, to straighten out. Look at the damage your mistakes have caused, and consider how you've lost out as a result. No matter how old you are, you can change. You can find truth a nd act on it. Recognize that waking up is your battle. Now go out there and win.
The struggle of life is the struggle to be awake. Decide that life is good. Otherwise you'll go to sleep. Get the maximum out of your body. But don't torture it either! Don't miss out on life's opportunities and pleasures by oversleeping. When we're excited about a project, our creative juices and mental faculties are in full gear. Watch out for "zombie-ism." Don't walk around devoid of thoughts in your head. Too much sleep dulls the mind. Tiredness is a habit. Break it. Unless we take practical steps to stay awake, sleep is going to overcome us. Whenever you learn something new, wake up to the recognition that you were partially asleep before. If you learn how to live with joy, sleep vanishes. In the "final sleep," what do you want inscribed?
"Don't shoot," Joe pleads, "I'll give you all my money." "I don't want your money," says the man with the gun. "My whole life I've been trying to get someone to sit down and talk with me. Now I'm going to make you listen for one hour." This story reflects a sorry aspect of the human condition. People today are busier than ever -- commuting, flying, buying. All in all, conversation time is diminishi ng. Who has time to talk? Reflect back to yourself. You want to be understood. But is anyone listening? B'miyut sichah literally means "minimize conversation." In other words, use conversation effectively. Conversation is our tool to be in contact with oth er human beings. Unless we communicate, we're all alone.
Building Connections
The Torah says that God created man as a "speaking creature" (see Targum Onkelos -- Genesis 2:7). Speech is therefore what distinguishes human beings from other species. Too often people are self-centered and closed up. Conversation is a way out of that self-absorption. Too many friendships never get beyond the superficial stage. It's possible to talk endlessly about recipes, football and fashion. But that's not enough. We need pe ople with whom we can share our innermost thoughts. Even family members can live in communicative isolation. Living room furniture used to be designed so that people sat facing one another. Today, living rooms are set up so that everyone faces the TV. You watch a football game and mutter in between munches, "That was a good play." What conversation can compete with the "raza -ama-tazz" of multi-media?! Today, everyone is in his own little corner and struggles by himself. We need to be with others, not to watch television, but to be together and communicate. Without it, you are stifling in your own self-contained envelope. Isolated in your own opinion. Isolated in your own home. Set aside time specifically for talking. Schedule a block of time to talk to your spouse, your child, your parents, your friends. Speech conveys the deepest soul -thoughts. Words that emit from the heart, enter the heart. Something the other person says may touch a deep chord in us. Conversations build deep connections and expand our world. Without it, we emotionally whither and die. Great conversation is your chance to explore entire worlds. Unlike a movie, this world is real, not imagined. And the resulting relationship is infinitely more rewarding.
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If you're having difficulty getting the other person to talk, build trust by talking about your own experiences and feelings. Don't be "Mr. Know -It-All." When presenting an idea, say, "Balancing career and family has been difficult for me. I look at the situation this way. I would really like to know your experience and how you feel about it." When you report your reaction, he will report his reaction.
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A human being is only real when you know his name. Frequently we lose a name in the introduction and then we are talking to someone faceless. We feel uncomfortable. The vibes are no good and it ruins the whole conversation. Do you tend to forget names? The key is to pay attention at the time of the introduction, and repeat the name to yourself a few times after. One memory technique is to conjure up a mental association. For instance, if the person's name is George Brown, imagine George Washington wearing a big brown suit. (The more silly the image, the easier it is to remember.)
Be A Good Listener
A good friend is a good listener. In dealing with others, the Torah says: "Do not harden your heart or close your hand" (Dev. 15:7). "Closing your hand" refers to be being generous with money, while "harden your heart" refers to giving to others emotionally. Don't underestimate the value of this. Patiently listening to someone tell his troubles is often worth more than giving money. In conversation, never interrupt. Don't anxiously anticipate the end of a sentence so you can jump back with your own opinion. If someone makes a statement you disagree with, bite your tongue and keep on listening. A sharp reply is likely to make the other person defensive, in which case he'll either get angry or end the conversation completely. Just calm down and give your undivided attention. Don't look around. Don't think of other things. Pay attention. Ask for points of clarification. Really try to understand. You will build an atmosphere of trust -- which will enable you to voice your own opinion later. Don't fight with people. No criticism. No confrontation. Just discuss. Exchange feelings. That's conversation. Constantly emit "listening signals" to demonstrate interest. Use eye contact or add a nod of acknowledgement. Use simple words of feedback, like, " Yes, interesting," or "That must have felt incredible ." A skilled conversationalist can say few words ... and build a deep bond.
your words. Connect your words with your mind, rather than letting your mouth run away and then having to catch up with your mouth. Unnecessary talk dulls your mind. Efficient use of words puts you in control of your mind. There's an old saying: "Small people speak about people. Medium people speak about places and things. Big people speak about ideas." The words you choose determine the type of person you'll be. Don't talk without a purpose. In any conversati on, ask yourself: "Is there a point to this conversation? Am I learning anything about life? Am I growing? Are we making contact?" If you can't identify the point, there probably is none. There is an ancient Jewish tradition called ta'anit dibur -- a "speech fast." When people find themselves talking too much, they refrain from all conversation except for Torah study. Likewise, in the House of Prayer, there should be no outside conversations -- just God and yourself. Try experimenting for one hour without t alking. It's a healthy exercise in self -control, and can help you focus on your inner self. Don't worry, people will just assume you've got laryngitis.
If this doesn't work, bow out of the conversation. Have some graceful exit lines ready to go. Of course, don't ever embarrass another person ... but don't hang around and sully yourself either!
Be fascinated with human beings and you'll be an excellent conversationalist. Talk to people in the office, neighbors, even strangers. Human beings have wisdom. Get them to share it. Negative speech will make you a negative person. Use speech wisely. It's one of the greatest gifts we have. Have a conversation, not a confrontation. Conversation is a tool of creation; it pulls us out of isolation, builds connections and expands our world. Fulfilling our need s depends on how well we communicate those needs to others.
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When speaking to someone who is tense, smile and tell a joke. Did it ever happen that you are in a terrible argument with a friend, with bad feelings and bad vibes, when all of a sudden you start laughing? Something struck you as ridiculous. All the bad feelings disappeared and you saw how absurd the whole fight was. So use it consciously. To dispel ang er during the middle of an argument, just start laughing. It will put everyone at ease. It is a powerful little gadget, this laughter. Or if you're nervous about taking a test, laugh about it and say: "So what if I fail. Maybe I'll break the world record f or the lowest score!" That sort of joking will relax you and make you more likely to pass the test. Even just feigning laughter can lift your spirits and relax you. Get yourself a favorite joke that will work at all times and laugh. Remind yourself of that joke and you will start laughing. Laughing when you don't feel like it can itself be funny!
Laugh At Insanity
When we laugh at something, whether it's an idea, a person, or an absurdity -- we destroy it. Like any powerful weapon, therefore, laughter must only be directed against an appropriate target. Of course, it's cruel to laugh at a crazy person. But go right ahead and laugh at crazy ideas. For example, laugh at the idea of "dying for success." Think of the absurdity of so many people wasting their lives chasing after money and material possessions, long after they have much more than they need. Laugh at evil and at the worship of artificial values. This will distance you from such false values, and keep you from getting caught up in it. Laugh also at jealousy, pettiness, and fighting. Whenever you're surrounded by insanity, laugh it off, and you won't fall under its spell. It's a way of saying: "Oh pardon me, I stepped on the god. I hope I didn't hurt it." Laugh at the absurd ways people waste time. On a long flight, hundreds of passengers sit with their eyes glued to a tiny screen, watching a boring movie that they wouldn't pay a nickel to see at home. But since they're stuck on the plane, they keep watching. Isn't that a ludicrous way to spend precious hours of life? A person could otherwise be studying, thinking or having a worthwhile conversation. Look at your "life goals," and realize how little time you spend pursuing them. Isn't it absurd? Not all laughs have to be happy laughs, but they provide pe rspective just the same. There is more than enough food in the world to feed everyone for at least a decade, yet tens of thousands of people are starving. Why? Because of politics and greed. It's absurd! The first step in changing craziness is to recognize it. We need to laugh just to acknowledge the absurdity of the situation, so we can take action.
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When you see these ridiculous things, laugh at them so you won't get caught up in it. Do you understand? When you see insanity, have a good solid laugh and you will be released from it.
Abuses Of Laughter
Abusing the tool of laughter is dangerous and destructive. Stay away from:
(A) Ridicule
Laugh "with" people, not "at" them. Ridiculing someone hurts his soul. It's embarrassing and makes him feel worthless. "You are a bozo, a nothing." Ridicule is the most terrible way of hurting another human being. People feel this deeply. So the next time something "funny" happens, make sure not to direct your laughter at the person, but rather at the funny thing he did. Similarly, never laugh at another person's worries. Since the person may not see things with your same perspective, your sense of joy at his problems only makes it worse. (Unless you can get the person to laugh about it, too.)
(D) Off-Limits
There is an old saying: "Never laugh at Motherhood or God." That means to say, don't be disrespectful by laughing at serious subjects. Never poke fun at idealism. If someone is giving up material pursuits in order to serve the needs of others, don't snicker and say, "Nice guys finish last." You've injected a destructive energy into society. This is serious and you've got to keep it serious. 109
Use laughter to keep your troubles in proportion. Realize they're not as bad as they seem. Life is not problems; it's opportunities. Laughter dispels gloom, depression, worry, pain and aggravation. Use it as a quick way to snap back into action! 110
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Use laughter consciously and in a measured amount. Aggravation and suffering sap our strength. Laughter brings out cheerful relaxation and gives you new energy. Laughter destroys everything in its path -- for good and for bad. Laughter taps us into the deeper reality of God's interaction with the world.
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Loss Of Confidence
Beside the obvious result of quitting (i.e. not fulf illing your goal), there is a terrible side effect: A loss of self-confidence. If we quit once, then the next time we plan a project, we won't trust our ability to carry it out. To see how destructive this pattern can be, make a list of the projects that y ou have thought about, but never even started, because you didn't believe you could accomplish them. See how little credibility you have in your own eyes. After a few failures, you expect that more will keep happening! When someone stops trusting himself, he's hit a critical impasse. He begins to accept the idea that it's okay to be "mediocre." That's a self -destructive attitude. Resolve that from now on, whenever you consider a project, you will sit down and figure out how much time, energy and effort it will take. Then decide whether or not it's worth it. If you conclude that it is, then begin with confidence -- and don't allow yourself to quit unless something happens beyond your control. When the going gets tough, and a little voice says, "It's not wort h it!" tell yourself "It is worth it!" When you follow through, it not only gets the job done, but it builds self -confidence -which is reason enough to stick with the task.
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Life Is A Challenge
Is it reasonable to assume that your life will always be frustration -free and a smooth ride? No way. 113
In the Book of Proverbs, King So lomon said: "The righteous person falls seven times and gets up. The evil person falls just once." We see that the righteous person is not defined as someone who never makes a mistake. Rather, the person who achieves greatness is one who keeps trying again and again. He sees frustration as only a passing nuisance, and therefore never gives up. In fact, his falling seven times may be precisely how he became great! You have to distinguish between what you "hope will happen," and what "will probably happen." Life inevitably has its ups and downs -- its moments of relaxation and times of tension. When you learn to accept this reality, you come one step closer to being able to deal with frustration in a healthy way. The next time frustration pops up, just remind yourself, "That's life!"
Enjoying Frustration
Being able to bear frustration is one level of dealing with it. A higher level -- often characteristic of those who achieve greatness -- is the resolve to love frustration and work with it! If you think about it, you'll see that deep down you really do "love frustration." Imagine going out to buy a 1,000 -piece jigsaw puzzle. You bring it home, open the box and discover that all the pieces are in numbered order! It's infuriating! Why? Because you paid good money for a box of frustration and they've taken away the challenge! Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. When you have a complex problem, first try to build the framework, an overall sense of how you want this to ultimately resolve. Then set about solving the puzzle ... one piece at a time. In everyday life, too, derive enjoyment from the resolution of frustrations. S o many things only get accomplished through struggle. Whether childbirth or career advancement, we accept certain pains as a worthwhile price to pay for pleasure. 114
In truth, the greater the challenge, the taller we can rise to meet it. Consider a very sick person whose suffering is unbearable. He can decide not to let the suffering rob him of any more quality of life than it must. He can resolve to work with the pain, rather than against it. At that moment of decision, he greatly reduces the suffering -if not physically, at least emotionally.
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Quitters never win, and winners never quit. Losing your temper means you're a quitter. When you quit because of frustration, you lose credibility and self -confidence. Adopt the motto: "I will overcome frustration." The best way of dealing with frustration is to accept it as a challenge -- and love it. Focus on your progress and take pleasure every step of the way -- even if it's only a small amount. Anger is called idol worship -- because we're taking marching orders from the wrong boss. Life is difficult and the path to greatness is paved with frustration. You can't get to heaven on roller skates. When we know that God provides the challenge, then we know we can succeed.
By contrast, the person who really tries to be good knows how tough a job it is. And he's always striving for a higher level. There's a third type: The fully righteous person, the Tzaddik. He takes out the garbage and says, "It's my pleasure, Mom. You work so hard to take care of us. Thank you for the opportunity to express my appreciation!"
The struggle to do good stems from the two conflicting inclinations in every human being. A person has two hearts: one that loves to do the right thing, and one that prefers to be selfish. You need to develop an awareness of the struggle going on inside you. For example:
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You want to use your time effectively, versus you feel like procrastinating. You want to eat healthy, versus you feel like chocolate cake. You want wisdom, versus you feel like watching TV.
"Want" is for permanence. It is rooted in reality. "Desire" is for the moment, with little regard for future consequence. It is an escape. This is actually the conflict between body and soul. Your eternal soul wants to do all the right things: to love humanity, seek justice, be altruistic, sensible, honorable and responsible. Your soul strives to fulfill its potential. Meanwhile, your body, which is destined for the grave, seeks satisfaction for the moment. It is drawn by the comfort of eating, sleeping, lusting. You know it's not right to refuse to take out the garbage, and your heart really wants to be good. But your other heart, the heart of desire, would rather stay inside where it's warm, reading a book in comfort. Even as you're reading this, your soul is nudging you: "Pay attention - this will make me great!' But your body contradicts: "All this hard work and concentration is too painful. I'm doing just fine the w ay I am!" With every decision, the two hearts clash and create a dilemma. To be triumphant in the battle, you have to focus on your innate desire to be good. Make it part of your mindset, and you'll see an observable effect throughout your day. You'll make more mature and effective decisions.
"I'd rather be happy. Just give me basic food, clothing and shelter - and then I'll engage in the pursuit of happiness. After all, what kind of fool wants to be a miserable millionaire?" "Okay, give me a week and I guarantee to show you how to be happy." "Well, that's an interesting offer... Maybe one day I'll consider it." "Okay, I'll make you a deal: After one month, if you've increased your happiness, I'll give you a bonus of $10,000." Now watch that guy run to you! Why? Which is more important to him - happiness or money? Of course, happiness is more important. But that's just the intellectual understanding of the soul. On the other hand, the body is distracted by the sight of that stack of green bills! Bodily desire confuses our thinking. Materialism can look so attractive that we become deluded into thinking that's what we really want. Unless you make the effort to distinguish between your wants and your desires, and to clarify which aspect is influencing your actions, then you're likely to lose valuable opportunities to accomplish your goals. Get in touch with the conflict by asking two simple questions: What do I want to do, versus what do I feel like doing? What you want to do is usually the right thing, whereas what you feel like doing is usually the more comfortable choice. The alarm clock goes off in the morning. You want to get out of bed and start your day. But you feel like hitting the snooze button and sleeping late. It's a tug of war. Getting out of bed becomes a moral dilemma! Whether you win or lose depends on which voice is the loudest at the moment of decision: the voice of want, or the voice of desire. Once you're aware of the conflict and remember that you're struggling, you'll be able to listen more carefully to the voice of the good heart, and dismiss the voice o f the selfish heart.
Defining "Good"
A proper definition of "good" is the starting point of everything you do in life. Obviously you can't just invent your own definition of "good." You have to investigate reliable sources, and then analyze which one best describes the human condition and reality. In Gaza, the definition of "good" may be someone who is willing to strap a bomb to his belly and detonate it in a crowded Israeli market.
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A common Western definition of "good" is financial success. People become pulverized by depression because they're not successful. "What's wrong with me, I can't get an executive's job! I must be bad. I need a therapist!" This feeling carries into the way we consume. Our CD collection, vacations and fancy cars are one part convenience, two parts status. We want to show off that we fit society's idea of "good." (Politely, of course, so people shouldn't think we're barbarians!) Always ask yourself: Am I defining "good" by that which looks good to the fast food/hi-tech/Hollywood segment of society? Or am I defining "good" by that which has deep meaning and makes a valuable contribution to humanity? If we don't keep up our guard, we could end up rich -and-famous, hooked on drugs and plagued by depression. Why is the typical image of a movie star one who is embroiled in legal disputes, can't keep a marriage together, and spends countless hours in psychoanalysis? The basic definition of "good" is mistaken. In Judaism, the definition of good is found in the Torah. It spells out how a good person acts toward friends, family, and society as a whole. Goodness is kindness, justice, truth and loyalty to God. So be careful and make sure you work out the right definition. Otherwise, you could end up 20 years down the road before realizing you bough t a bad package.
companions have been identified as dangerous spies. Tell us where they are - or we'll kill you!" Uh-oh. What do you do? Of course, turning over your friends is a terrible thing to do. On the other hand, you don't want to die - and nobody will ever know that you finked on your friends. You can still be a successful surgeon, still have your beautiful family, still be rich and famous - and still make it home in time for the Harvard graduation ! What do you do? Now let's up the ante. What if the Secret Police asked you to kill 1,000 children? " Kill 1,000 children and you can go back to the States to your beautiful life. " Do you think you could do such a thing? No. This scenario reveals something very deep in the makeup of every human being: Being good is so important that we'd even be willing to die for it. (And even if you could somehow bring yourself to kill the children, you'd probably go back home and shoot yourself...) Realize: If you are willing to give up your life to be "good," then there can be no higher goal in living than to be good. So go out and live for it. Harness that force within you. Make goodness your goal in living. Be willing to give up everything. You're not doing anyone any favors by being good, you're simply doing what the "inner you" wants. When you do the right thing, you always win.
In fact, one of the mitzvot of the Torah is to be like God, to emulate His ways. We each have the potential to make a significant contribution to society. The Sages teach that everyone is supposed to say, "The whole world was made for me." This does not mean that you can plunder the property of others. Rather, every individual is responsible for the world. Act acco rdingly - you're here to straighten it out. So why don't we aim for it? Not because we don't want to change the world. But because the effort seems too great. It's a lot of hard work. But it's what we truly seek. So go for it. In the process, you'll become not just good, but great!
Remind yourself daily that you want to be good. We get distracted by daily life and forget how much being good matters. Be aware of the conflict between what you deep -down "want," and the desires that get in the way. 121
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Once you understand the inner conflict, it will be a lot easier to make a conscious choice to use your capacity for good. Realize that being good is only doing yourself a favor. You want self respect more than anything else in life. Make sure to pursue what you objectively know is good, not what society tells you. If you want to be good, then seek out wisdom. Wisdom enables you to recognize "good" and make the right decisions. On any decision, ask: What does my soul want, versus what does my body want? Never say "I'm good enough already." You don't really mean it. If goodness is important enough to die for, then it makes sense to live for it. There is a mitzvah to be like God. It's what we all desire.
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Be An Educated Consumer
As important as it is to learn wisdom, it is also wise to exercise caution. Suppose you were in a foreign country - where you had no friends or relatives - and you became sick. You would search with utmost care for a reputable doctor with valid credentials. Your physical health is at stake! We must be equally cautious with whom we entrust our emotional and spir itual health.
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There are a lot of ideas out there, and each person has a different way of looking at things. Every creed, society and religion thinks they have the truth capitalists, Communists, Republicans, Democrats, Jews, Christians, Muslims. The people growing up with these ideologies usually accept what they are taught. So who's right? How do we find truth? It's not always easy to conclude immediately, so you have to evaluate what you read or hear. The determining factor is whether the ethics they esp ouse have created a better society. If they don't, then seek a value system which does benefit its society even if that means breaking with the ideas you grew up with.
better sense have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went on faith with their feelings. Knowledge, meanwhile, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have many products in our house saying "made in China." There's so much evidence out there that we believe China exists even though most of us have never visited there. In other words, seeing is only one way of believing. There are many other ways to collect evidence and draw conclusions. Which of these two terms do you think more accurately describes the basis for belief in Judaism? Faith or knowledge? Judaism teaches that the basis of our convictions must be knowledge, not faith. For example, the first of the Ten Commandment i s: "Know there is a God." Not "hope" or "wonder" if God is out there, but "know." This is a sensible way to live. Imagine taking your car into the mechanic. You return an hour later and he says you need a new carburetor. Cost: $300 (not including labor, of course). You're a little bent out of shape and you ask him: "How exactly did you determine that?" He says, "Very simple. I turned on the engine, placed my hands on the hood, and I 'felt' that you need a new carburetor." No one is going to spend $300 becau se some mechanic "feels" you should. We want facts. That's the only sound way to make a decision. Isn't it obvious, then, that you should use your head for the really important decisions in life? The 48 Ways says: Listen to the wise person, but don't accept him unconditionally. Be critical. If you see contradictions, ask. But give him a fair hearing. Give weight to what he says, even if it goes against your prejudices. Resolve what you don't understand. And then live by the wisdom you are taught.
What makes a good marriage? How do I raise happy children, and teach them ethics and morality? What professions are worth devoting one's life to, and which are not? Which goals are important, and which are foolish? What should I spend my time and money on? 125
You may be shocked to find out how much your parents know about the issues you're grappling with rig ht now. As Mark Twain said, "I spent four years in university, and I was amazed at how much wiser my father got while I was away!" Not only do you gain wisdom from questioning your parents, you gain an eternal relationship that you will appreciate now, and for years after they have left this world.
Be bothered by ignorance and you'll go looking for wisdom. Everyone has learned from experiences. Ask yourself: "What does this person know about living that is valuable to me?" Respecting wisdom means you'll take it seriously - and make a sincere effort to acquire it. Before you know anything else, you've got to know what you're living for. Wise people know. Listen to them. If you're Jewish, it makes sense to look to Judaism as your source of wisdom. Listening to wise people is good practice for listening to God.
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What we call "pain" is frequently a matter of "effort." The effort of physical fitness is painful. The effort of thinking through a complex idea is painful. The effort of build ing a long-term relationship is painful. From here we see that although effort may be "painful," the goal of life should not be to escape it. Anyone looking for a smooth ride will miss out on life's immeasurable pleasures.
A Pain-Pleasure Example
Real pleasure is inseparable from pain. Here's an example: What would you say is your parents' greatest "pleasure?" That's right, you. What would you say is your parents' greatest "pain?" The same answer. You. It's not an accident that your parents' greatest pleasu re is also the source of their greatest pain. Because the greater the pleasure, the greater the effort required. 127
Beyond this, the greater pain we experience on the way toward a goal, the greater we enjoy the success of reaching it. In other words: The more we pay, the more we treasure. To pursue comfort is defined as "decadent." When an entire society makes comfort its primary goal, that's dangerous. The Roman Empire collapsed because of decadence; they got too comfortable. The low birth rate in the Western world is an indication of contemporary decadence. I often ask young people how many children they want, and they tell me "two." "Why so few? "Because I love children, and I want to give them every advantage. It'll be difficult enough sending two children to university, let alone five. And what about clothes? And summer camp? With two children it's feasible, but with five?" That sounds logical. So I say: "Okay, I'll give you one million dollars for one of your siblings. You've got three of them, so you won' t miss one. She'll be given every advantage. No harm will come to her. You just won't see her again." "Are you crazy? That's my sister you're talking about. I wouldn't take 10 million dollars for her!" Do you see? If you run from pain or effort, you're rea lly running away from pleasure.
Fear Of Pain
Often, the fear of pain is worse than the pain itself. An inoculation takes all of one second, but anticipation of the pain can last for hours beforehand. Fear of pain is the greatest restriction there is. If you're afraid of traveling, you'll never go anywhere. If you're afraid of physical or emotional exertion, you won't achieve, you won't grow, you won't find truth. We all have a choice: Either pay in the pain of trying, or in the emotional pain of knowing you're too weak to try. For example: If you don't ask for the job, you avoid the pain of refusal - but you have the pain of being a quitter the rest of your life. And that always comes back to haunt a person. What is at the core of someone's choice of suicide? What is really driving the person when he picks up a gun to put an end to it all? He wants to avoid pain. He wants to escape. In the words of Shakespeare, "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether to withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or by taking arms against fate... to end it all." That's what he's looking for. He wants to sleep.
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To help you confront tough situations, remember: "Pain is passing, results are lasting." In fact, pain is often just a threshold to cross into a world of pleasure. A good example is the dentist. The drill and filling will take an hour, and the pain will subside in two. But the filling will prevent further decay, and give you eating enjoyment for years to come.
Fear Of Reality
The biggest fear peop le have, and the one most important to overcome, is the fear of facing up to reality. People would rather live an illusion than wake up to reality. Why? Because if reality turns out to be something different than what we're used to, it means having to chan ge our course in life. And that hurts! We all choose to escape, now and then, from the effort that's involved in accomplishing life's goals and ambitions. We all want to be great; we all want to change the world. It's just that we don't always feel like pu tting forth the effort. So we distract ourselves and escape from who we really are and what we want to achieve. The 48 Ways says: It hurts a lot more when reality confronts us, especially when it may be too late to do anything about it. Always ask yourself: "What pain am I avoiding?" Identify exactly what you're afraid of. Reason it out: What's the worst that could happen? As an exercise, make a list of the goals you'd love to achieve if no pain was involved. Then next to each goal, write down the amount of pain you anticipate in trying to reach those goals. Then, write down what makes the goal so worthwhile. Now compare the two columns. If a particular goal is truly worthwhile, then you'll see instantly how your fear of pain is holding you back from achievi ng that goal. And it will clarify how you'd even be willing to pay the price of pain to achieve it!
"Play basketball as you would normally - run, jump, shoot, and defend. But this time, do it without the ball!" How long do you think they could play for? Maybe five minutes. Because without the ball, there is no pleasure to distract them from the pain. Every step now seems like a major effort. Give them back the ball, and they'll play for another two hours! Judaism says: Keep your eye on the ball. If you want the ultimate in living, then you'll want to learn all you can about life. This will enable you to focus and make any effort a pleasure.
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Pain Of Others
The rules are different when it comes to other people. Don't ignore their pain. When you visit a friend in the hospital, don't start preaching about how he should "look at the positive side." Compassion and understanding will help alleviate his pain. Similarly, don't look away from the suffering of humanity. If there's a problem in your community (or even in some faraway land), ask yourself: "What can I do to alleviate it?" A person would need to be blind (or self -absorbed) to be unaware of the plight of humanity today: despair, persecution, broken homes... Those who have some sense of vision write a check when there's a knock on the door. But even they are "too busy" to get personally involved. It is the rare few who go out of their way to seek real solution s. Greatness is not "upping your donation" from last year. Greatness is becoming involved, in making it as much your problem as the one who is suffering. That is where a leader will be found, and that's where your own greatness will ultimately be expressed.
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"According to the effort is the reward." The more effort you expend, the more pleasure you'll get. If you jump ship when the waters get choppy, you'll never make it to shore. Accept the pain of confronting reality and finding truth. Deal with the difficulties of life by finding pleasure within the pain. Don't fear the pain; learn to welcome it as a necessary byproduct of growth. Don't escape the suffering of others. Learning wisdom requires struggling to research an idea, understand it, integrate it, and practice it over and over.
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Know your place. Before you begin talking, stop to think: Is this a time to step forward, or a time to step back?
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The 48 Ways says: You can attain absolute clarity. For example, you have absolute clarity of the fact you have five fingers. Nobody can talk you into believing you have 75 fingers. You can count those five fingers on your hand. Ther e is so much evidence to support the claim, that it's an unshakable conviction. Judaism says: We have to get "five -finger-clarity" about all our beliefs and values. One way to gain confidence is to work out definitions. You're planning to get married. Are you in love? What is love? How does love differ from infatuation? Love is built on knowledge. The more intimate the knowledge, the more you can love. How do you know if you are in love or infatuated? If you hear yourself saying, "He's perfect," or "She's perfect!" then beware! That's not reality. That's a sure sign of infatuation. Real love takes work. You have to be willing to make the effort. Take responsibility and become real with your decisions. Nothing will just "somehow work out." You have to make the appropriate effort to think through your decisions and understand what you're basing them on. Ask yourself: What's my position on this issue? Do I really know what I'm talking about? Do I have definitions? Do I have evidence for my position? Is that me speaking, or am I parroting something I heard or read? If you don't assert yourself with confidence, then you'll be manipulated as a puppet of society. And society could be making some grave errors in its approach to life!
"Thank you, God, for graciously returning my soul for yet another day." The higher a person becomes spiritually, the more humble he becomes. As we get closer to God, we become more realistic about our own limitations, vulnerability and mortality. We internalize the reality that every human's position is tenable, and only God is eternal. Moses was called "the most humble" because when he stood before God he knew his place. Anything else precludes room for God to fit in. That's why the Talmud likens arrogance to idol worship; both push away the presence of God. In being humble before God, we feel the unity of the world, rather than the self indulgent, negative energy. We are more relaxed, calm and flexible. This in turn trickles down to all our interpersonal relationships: business partnership, marriage, community and nation-building. Moses became leader of the Jewish nation because he saw himself solely as a servant of the people and a servant of God. He was able to encompass the needs and yearnings of the entire nation. He was in the right place.
When in the presence of someone more knowledgeable, think twice before speaking. By understanding others, we can see what we know and don't know. Don't be afraid to ask others for advice. If you don't take control of your life, you're being manipulated by others. If the moment calls for it, take the lead. You were created to fulfill your unique role in life.
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"As I lay there bleeding, I realized that I might have to live the rest of my life without a leg. How depressing! But then I realized that being depressed won't get my leg back. So I decided right then and there not to waste my life despairing. "When my parents arrived at the hospital they were shocked and grieving. So I told them: 'I've already adapted. Now you also have to get used to this.' "Ever since then, I see my friends getting upset over little things: their bus came late, they got a bad grade on a test, somebody insul ted them. But I just enjoy life." At age 11, this young man attained the clarity that it is a waste of energy to focus on what you're missing, and that the key to happiness is to take pleasure in what you have. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Way #27 is sameach bi'chelko - literally "satisfaction with one's portion." Happiness is achievable. So why are so many people unhappy? We lack the right tools.
"My whole life would improve if I had a new car..." "I just need a better job and then I can relax and be happy..." "If only could only meet the right girl..."
You get the car and what happens? For a whole week you're walking on air. Then you go right back to being unhappy. Sound familiar? Happiness is not a happening. Happiness is a state of mind. You can have everything in the world and still be miserable. Or you can have relatively little and feel unbounded joy. The Talmud says: "Who is rich? The one who appreciates what he has." (Pirkei Avot 4:1) That's why the morning prayers begin with a series of blessings thanking God for the simple and obvious:
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"Thank you, God, for giving me life." "Thank God I can see." "Thank God I can use my hands and feet." "Thank God I can think." 136
Once you master the art of noticing, appreciating and consciously enjoying what you already have, then you will always be happy.
Don't expect the results to come automatically. It is possible to intellectually understand how to attain happiness, y et not put it into practice. In fact, many people might actually prefer to be comfortable and unhappy, rather than endure the discomfort of changing their habits. Just as learning any new skill requires effort, you have to be willing to invest serious effort to achieve real happiness. 137
Misconception #2: "If I become content and satisfied with what I have, I'll lose my motivation to achieve more."
Happiness doesn't drain your energy. It adds more! Ask a happy person: "I have a boat. Do you want to go fishing? " He'll say: "Great! Let's go!" Now ask someone who is depressed: "C'mon, let's go fishing!" He says, "I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow. And anyway, it might rain..." Happy people are energetic and ambitious. There's never enough time to do everything they want to do.
Misconception #3: Happiness is optional. If I want to be depressed, that's my own prerogative.
A beautiful Sunday afternoon. You're at the park having a picnic with your friends. Suddenly the air is pierced by one person complaining: " Who forgot the forks? It's too hot for volleyball. I want to go home already." You have an obligation to be happy when your mood is negatively affecting others. Don't spoil the fun. We all try to put on a happy face when we're at a party. But what about when we're at home, with our kids? Or when we trudge into the office on Monday morning? Like an open pit in the middle of the road, a sour puss is a public menace. Being happy is part of being considerate to people around us.
"Yes." Don't let her off the hook with this perfunctory answer. Make her share the pleasure. "Was it sweet? Warm? Did the aroma linger ? Did it give you energy?" (She'll comply because she wants her turn to complain...) "Okay, it was sweet. And nice." "Great Auntie! Now four more!" "I didn't have any more." "Did you wash your face? Was it pleasant? Warm? Refreshing?" Relive it with her. Then another one. After she describes five pleasures, her complaints won't be nearly as bad. To really work at this, sit down with your spouse (or roommate) every evening and discuss one pleasure that each of you had that day. At the very least, you'll h ave a happier spouse or roommate! Incorporate this into your family routine so your children also learn to appreciate their daily pleasures.
Comparing each pleasure forces you to qualify the subtle aspects of each pleasure. And to quantify how much each respective pleasure gives you. Follow this course and work at it daily. Your gratitude will continue to grow, building a solid foundation for a lifetime of happiness.
Happiness is energy and power for li ving. Focus on what you have and you'll be happy. Focus on what you don't have and you'll be miserable. Happiness is not the goal in life; it is the means to tap your inner energy in order to accomplish your potential. Happy people are healthy, optimistic, and have more driving force to achieve. Happiness is not "living in a state of semi -depression." That's mere survival. Happiness is in your control. By not controlling it, you are slave to your emotions. Happiness requires discipline, determination and ha rd work. Happiness is not a "happening." Don't wait for it to happen. Go out and create it.
Take precautions. Figure out which fences you need - and erect them today!
Strategize
People relate better to technical procedures than to vague dreams and aspirations. So if you have any hope of actualizing a dream, it needs to be concretized. Make a step-by-step, detailed plan. The more concrete the strategy, the more effectively it will work. Whenever you make a resolution, pin yourself down. Set a date and a time by which you'll put it into action, and write it on your calendar. Set goals, and then monitor your progress. As you evolve your game plan, visualize possible pitfalls that could arise, and construct strategies for avoiding them. Then if obstacles do arise, remind yourself: These are here for me to overcome, to strengthen my resolve and help me grow!
Ask yourself at which point you usually lose the inspiration to carry out a decision. Then set up a system that will make it difficult for you to back out. To build confidence, choo se things from your "to-do" list, even some small, non-timeconsuming items. Completing 10 smaller items will boost your confidence more than one big item. And your success with the smaller items will give you added confidence to tackle the big ones! Self-esteem is the fuel that drives us to greatness. What could be more valuable? Don't let your self-esteem slide. It's worth protecting!
"What did I accomplish today?" "Did I accomplish what I intended?" "How am I going to improve tomorrow?" "What are my strengths and weaknesses?" "What is my profit? What is my loss?" "How far have I come in my long-term goals?" "What's holding me back from growing?"
Track down your own Achilles heel - whether it be laziness, envy, or bad temper. Concentrate on that and remind yourself, "This is the enemy." Get angry at your own stupidities, and utilize that anger to motivate you to chang e.
person does not waste time obsessing about past mistakes, but looks ahead to see how to correct them. When you're 70, what will you want to look back on and see that you've accomplished? If you knew that you have one day left to live, you'd be asking: "Who am I? What is life all about?" It's too late then. Ask now.
Don't appreciate what they have. Think that financial success means you're a good person. Son't like to make decisions and take responsibility. Don't know what they're living for.
The 48 Ways says: Set boundaries. Think before you consume. Freedom is the ability to say: "I choose not to partake." 143
Life is difficult. When you have tough work, you need tough tools. If you don't protect yourself, you'll lose self -confidence and give up on life. Wage war with strategy. Make a plan to know where you're going. Don't try to do it all alone. Enlist the help of others. Protect your values from the onslaught of society. Maintain high standards and implement a method to check yourself. Given the opportunity to rationalize, many will "distort reason to indulge desires."
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And what about intellectual prowess? Should a genius be praised for the good fortune of having a good brain? The bottom line is that everything we have is a gift from God. Arrogant people have trouble acknowledging this. They don't want to accept that God has helped them, because they feel it will minimize the impact of their accomplishments. Next time you feel pride in a natural ability, ask yourself, "Did I do anything to earn it?" Do you have athletic ability? G ood memory? Artistic talent? Take pleasure. Not pride.
Pride Of Accomplishment
Did you ever have a friend who suddenly became wealthy or professionally prominent, and now barely speaks to you? It's common to become arrogant about the things we achieve thro ugh hard work, because here a person really feels like he "did it." The way to guard against such pride is to be grateful for the insights you've had, and to the people who've helped you along the way. We could never achieve anything without our parents and teachers, and without those who have blazed a trail before us. It's good to enjoy your accomplishments, but not to the point of thinking that makes you superior to others! For example, you know how to use a computer. Your grandparents probably never used a computer, even though they're no less intelligent than you. Your computer skills are just a matter of timing. And the next generation will undoubtedly possess technological skills that you'll find equally daunting. It's all a matter of focus. Next time you feel pride coming on, ask yourself, "Did I control all the circumstances that put me in the right place at the right time to get this fantastic opportunity?"
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The 48 Ways says: Pride leads to contempt; gratitude le ads to compassion. Arrogance is when you look down on others. Watch out that you don't destroy others in your path to accomplish.
Self-Righteous Pride
Arrogance about one's goodness is the most dangerous, because it is in the name of "goodness" that many of the world's most evil acts are performed. Did you ever hear someone say: "I never hurt anyone in my life." That would be a fine accomplishment if it were true. It's hardly likely, though, that he never once insulted his family or friends. Also there are always higher levels of "goodness" - like fighting for social justice. Don't become proud or arrogant about your good deeds, because there are no limits to how much can be done. Do religious people think they're better than others? It is true that believin g you own the revealed word of God can lead to complacency and arrogance. For that reason, religious people try to work extra hard at being humble.
Arrogance In Society
We are all, in some way, proud of our society, country and culture. Those born in China may be proud Communists. If you were born in Spain, you'd probably be a proud Catholic. And if you grew up in Iran, you may well be a proud Muslim fundamentalist! Society's influence is so powerful that we often adopt values without even being aware of it. Those values then become less of an "intellectual awareness," and more of an "emotional instinct." For example, Americans might think that anyone who speaks English with a heavy accent is perceived as less intelligent. Of course, educational level has nothing to do with morality and kindness. At the Wanasee Conference (the Nazi meeting to formulate the "Final Solution" for the extermination of Jews), 9 of the 13 participants were Ph.D.s. These were the most creative, scientific minds in the entire civiliz ed world. The 48 Ways says it is crucial to evaluate your convictions. Otherwise you're blindly following along as a product of your society. 1. Trace the origins of your values. 2. Define them. 3. Objectively determine whether they are good values. 4. Make sure that they are your own. 5.
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Obstacle To Wisdom
Pride is one of the biggest obstacles to attaining wisdom. If you're arrogant, it's impossible to learn from others. As the Sages teach, "Who is a wise person? The one who learns from all people" (Talmud - Avot 4:1). Be grateful to your teachers. It's arrogant to say: "This is simple. I knew it all along." If someone is spending time teaching you, acknowledge his effort - whether or not you think you've learned something. Realize the damage that pride does. If someone comes along and challenges you on an idea you take pride in, then you feel attacked personally. It sends you into a defensive mode, and you can't hear what's being said anymore. But if a person points out something you're doing wrong, and you take pleasur e, not pride, in the idea, then you'll be all ears. "If I got this much pleasure from doing what I thought was right, then how much more pleasure will I gain by actually doing the right thing!" People make the mistake of thinking they have to trumpet their success in order to feel good about it. But in fact, not taking credit often results in a better feeling, because this way you do good simply because it's good, not for the fame it earns you.
If you're busy patting yourself on the back for what you've achieved, you won't make an effort to do more. 147
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If you're constantly defending your opinions, you'll never be open to hearing new ideas. If you are arrogant about your ideas, then you are limiting yourself. If you're grateful, you will grow. If you experience pleasu re in doing the right thing, then look for more pleasure.
Communicating Love
All parents love their children. So why is it that many children feel rejected? Because "feeling" love toward others is only a part of it. We also have to "communicate" that 148
love. Many children only hear their parents' anger and criticisms -- and therefore get the wrong message. To communicate love, you have to show you understand, appreciate and take pleasure in the other person's essence. Stop and analyze the good they do, and stop focusing on their flaws. We often show more courtesy and attention to strangers! Push yourself to show people that you appreciate them. Practice saying: "I like what you said." "I'm glad you came." "You did that perfectly." But don't confuse compliments with flattery (i.e. insincere praise). Judaism forbids flattery because it is misleading and manipulative. Be sure you express honest appreciation, not just to get on the person's good side.
Particularly in a marriage, giving is the foundation of the relationship. When two people are focused on giving to one another, the relationship flows in two directions - connecting, linking and forging the bond. But when both are focused on taking, then the dynamic is pulling in opposite directions -- creating strain and tension. Unfortunately today, many people get married with the intention of taking more pleasure from life, not giving it. How long can a marriage survive like that?
Fear Of Intimacy
A prerequisite to being loved is the inner decision to allow yourself to be loved. Why do people veer away from intimacy? 1. A person may be afraid of getting hurt. (Once you lower your defenses, you are open to being hurt.) 2. A person may be afraid of getting to know himself better. (If people get too close to us, they force issues to surface.) 3. A person may simply want to be left alone. If you sense any of these issues, make it a priority to work them out. Until you do, you're pushing away the love of others.
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At the very least, don't give other people pain. Don't criticize and say: "It's for your own good." Treat human beings as if they're real. Think of who they are and what they need. Be friendly. Help them out. Share their problems. The flip side of this is if you really want more wisdom for yourself, then be a good student. Pay attention and grow. This gives your teacher pleasure, and he/she will want to teach you more.
Giving others pleasure is your pleasure. Seeing the virtues in others is on e of the greatest virtues you can exhibit. If you love others this way, they will love you in return. The first place to start showing appreciation is with your own family. Love brings unity. And unity is power.
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Next to love of God, all other pleasures are insignificant. We can have delicious pizza, lots of money, love and power. But humans yearn to transcend the mundane side of daily life. That's why mystery, magic and miracles capture our imaginations. When all is said and done, no human being can be t ruly satisfied unless he reaches out and connects with the infinite transcendent dimension. We all seek to connect with that which encompasses all pleasures. Because nothing finite, nothing bound up in this world, can compare to the infinite.
To love God is to appreciate all the good He does for you. Whatever you have is a gift from God. That means giving up the illusion that you alone are responsible for your achievements. Why is gratitude such a difficult awareness to sustain? Because the human ego craves recognition and independence; it balks at the concept of indebtedness to a Higher Power. We prefer to believe that we've done it ourselves! The counterfeit of this idea is thinking that someone or something else is providing for your needs. The one who believes their career or relationship is the ultimate fulfillment is mistaken. Those things can disappear. Only God has absolute power and only God is eternal. To appreciate the value of God's gifts, focus on the fact that anything you lack is nothing in comparison to what you already have. Consider your eyes, for example. You couldn't buy an eye for a million dollars. Yet God gave you -- for free -- a pair of eyes that work more accurately, quickly and efficiently than the most sophisticated digital vision devices. Actually, every pleasure in the world is related to the essence of God, who is the source of all pleasure. For example: - Driving a car = the pleasure of power = God - Horseback riding = the pleasure of independence = God - Music = the pleasure of harmony = God - Dance = the pleasure of feeling alive = God
Building love of God means to appreciate the enormous gift of life. Consciously work to appreciate the pleasure of even simple things like taste, breathing, gravity, etc. Then ask yourself: "How do I get this aesthetic experience as a constant in my life?" 152
Once you appreciate the pleasures, then see God as the invisi ble Source of all of it. Just as every stroke of Picasso's brush bears his signature, so too everything in this world has God's signature. You just have to recognize it.
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One prerequisite, if you want to be awestricken when you see nature, is to be completely open-minded. You have to really want to know, without any bias: "What is nature telling me?" See how nature was designed to provide all our needs -- both physical and emotional. For example, food not only sustains us nutritionally, but includes many fringe benefits. Each fruit has its own beauty, taste, texture, form, color and smell! Imagine if someone gave you a car as a gift and then asked to borrow it. It would be your pleasure to let him use it. So too with God. He gives us a universe full of material w ealth. So if He asks us to eat kosher food or re-dispense 10 percent of our income to charity, it's hard to object. This recognition brings us to loving God "with all your resources."
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Love of God means developing our drive to be close to God. Don't wait for it to happen -- pursue it. Do it intellig ently. Be willing to invest time and effort to get this pleasure. If there is no limit to the effort you'll expend to serve God, that's loving God "with all your soul."
Every human being has a longing for the transcendental. Take pleasure in the infinite beauty, grace, power, wisdom and meaning of our Creator. People shy away from God because they're afraid it will stifle them. Yet they'll climb mountains for the ultimate transcendental pleasure. Artists think they have it, but there is more. God is the real aesthetic experience. Love the Almighty for the gifts He gives you -- hands, feet, power of speech, etc. If you feel God's love for you, you'll love Him in return. The pleasure of a gift is according to the one who gives it to you. Appreciate who God is. It's relatively easy to love God, since everything about God is virtuous. Every pleasure you have can be related back to God as the source. Feel His presence constantly. The best way to attain love of God is to ask continuously: "What am I living for? What do I want out of life?"
Try listing some people you don't like - and see how many virtues they really have. You can't hate virtues, and you can't love faults. You can only choose which to identify a person with.
To Love Or Be Loved
Which pleasure do you think is greater: to give love or to be loved? Giving love is the greater pleasure. Because when you perceive someone's deep virtues - his honesty, compassion or intelligence - you are able to share in that beauty. At the root of our struggle to love is a conflict between body and soul. T he soul wants to love others, because giving love is one of the deepest pleasures the soul can experience. The soul wants to reach beyond itself and connect with every other soul. On a deeper level, love of people is a way to access love of God. Because in the spiritual dimension, there are no conventional boundaries between entities. It's all one unit. The body, on the other hand, would rather be the recipient of love. It's less demanding, more comfortable. Check yourself: If you're seeking attention, it m eans the body's in charge. Try to consciously connect with the soul's drive to love others. The beginning is difficult and you have to work to get the body to go along. But after you accustom yourself to seeing virtue in others, you'll find it easier to lo ve all kinds of people! 158
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There is one love, however, which must precede everything. The Torah says to love your neighbor "as yourself." This means it's not realistic to love your neighbor, unless you love yourself first. If you feel unhappy about yourself, you cannot love ot hers. For the love to be real, it has to flow from yourself outward. One simple technique is to focus on your virtues. Every day, pat yourself on the back for the good traits you have. Are you a caring friend? A hard worker? Ambitious? Sincere? Take pleasure in your strengths.
One day, the fellow who was alone thought to himself: "I've got this whole farm and all this money, but I only have myself to take care of. My brother has 12 mouths to feed." So in the middle of the night, he took some bundles of wheat, climbed over the hill that separated the two farms - and put the wheat into his brother's silo. One night the married brother was thinking to himself: "You know, I've got a beautiful wife and children. My world is rich. But my brother is all alone. All he has is his wheat." So, in the middle of the night, he took a bundle of wheat, climbed the hill, and secretly placed it in his brother's silo. Back and forth each of the brothers went. Every night, each would secretly climb the hill and put wheat into the other's silo. One night, the two brothers met at the top of the hill. And immediately they understood what had been happening. They fell into each other's arms and hugged. It is on this site that the Almighty chose to build the Holy Temple. Because when one human being loves another, the Almighty joins them. Because that's what life is all about.
When someone is in pain, show compassion. Make an effort to spare someone financial loss. Visit someone who is sick, and help care for his needs. Don't embarrass anyone - especially in public. Don't gossip about others. Don't take revenge or bear a grudge. Smile - your happiness affects others. Show respect to the elderly. Find a poor person in your community that you undertake to assist.
In order to realize your own potential, you have to love humanity. Their success is your success, too. The more you have love in your life, the more happy and efficient you'll be.
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If you don't appreciate the phenomenon of human beings, you're missing out on one of life's grea test pleasures. Loving others connects you to the world, to all facets of creation. Love helps you get out of the confines of "me" and into the expansive "we." Prioritize your love. Appreciate the relative value of each virtue. Realize that all human being s are God's children.
Incredible! You're not just returning spare change; you practically saved the guy's life! The lesson here is that if there's pleasure in fulfilling an easy obligation, then there's enormous pleasure in the diffi cult ones!
The trick, therefore, is to focus on the benefits of fulfilling obligations. Rather than simply "throwing yourself" into an obligation, anticipate it in a positive light. Ask yourself: "What pleasure will come a s a result of this?" Then afterwards, pause to enjoy the pleasure. Make note of that feeling, so you can call upon it next time. As a practical step, make plans to do good deeds. Call a friend who needs some cheering up, or offer to buy groceries for a sick person, or make inquiries to help someone get a job. When you do these things, doesn't your self -respect shoot up? Seeing ourselves as "good" is the fuel that drives our tank and pulls us out of bed in the morning. Don't stand in the way of a human being who's striving to be good. He'll steamroll right over you!
being considerate to those around us. When a person lives optimistically and joyfully, his energy spreads. A miserable person, likewise, spreads misery. Imagine how you would feel if your parents or your friends were always unhappy. Wouldn't it drag you down? So work on giving happiness to others, just as you'd want them to give you.
To be a good person, you need to enjoy being good. Obligations are easier when you get in touch with the pleasure of doing the right thing. Doing the right thing is a soul experience, a far greater pleasure than material success. After a difficult task, pause to reflect how great you feel. Obligations help us to actualize our potent ial. Obligations are inevitable in life, so you might as well enjoy them!
The following story comes from the Talmud: Before we're born, while in our mother's womb, the Almighty sends an angel to sit beside us and teach us all the wisdom for livi ng we'll ever need to know. Then, just before we're born, the angel taps us under the nose (forming the philtrum, the
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indentation that everyone has under their nose), and we forget everything the angel taught us. What does this story teach? That truth and wisdom is "right under your nose!" We can look inside ourselves to learn what life is about. Buried within the subconscious mind, in the farthest corner of our memory, lies the knowledge of everything we need to know: The purpose of life, how to love, how to reach our potential. Our task is to bring that knowledge to the conscious mind -- i.e. to make the effort to remember! That's Judaism's view of education. Nobody can ever teach you anything new. They can only help you get in touch with what you already intuitively know to be true. "Education" means drawing out what is already inside the student. Beware of educators who try to impose their position on you.
We all have an inborn conscience, a natural wisdom that God programmed into us. That's why a person's first thought -- "the gut reaction" -- is often the true response. But what happens? Amidst the confusion of life, we start applying our ego -driven "logic" to the situation. We rationalize and cloud our inner knowledge. To avoid this trap, ask around to people who know you, "Do you think I tend to rationalize my way out of things?" Or, speak out your rationalizations, as if you were dealing with someone else's situation, not your own. Look inside yourself. Pause for a moment and introspect. Actually ask yourself aloud: What's the right thing to do? In Judaism, the Torah is our objective guide, steady throughout the generations, and always available as a source of reference. Jews have a simple and effective tool for keep straight; We constantly ask oursel ves, What would God say about this?
Imagine the satisfaction of asking yourself the question, " Am I completely honest?" -and being able to answer an unqualified "yes." Being trustworthy is an important factor in self -esteem. Very often when we walk away from obligations, we feel our conscience saying, "Don't do that!" And even though we may have avoided a challenge, we know deep down when we are wrong. Conscience is a powerful drive. It keeps us honest and walking the straight path. Don't squelch it. Listen to your conscience and let it help you to get the job done.
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After you've reached any decision, pause. If you've chosen correctly, you'll find yourself feeling a thrill of pleasure. There are no nagging doubts, no hidden agendas. You feel clean. Now utilize this power of conscience. Before making a decision. Ask yourself: How will I feel after I do it? Pleasure or disgust? This exercise will help focus you on distinguishing right vs. wrong.
One of the most prevalent rationalizations is the words: "I c an't." How many times have you heard (or said) "I'd love to help, but I can't" If you switch "can't" for "won't," you also switch the responsibility for your decisions. "I can't" implies that I am powerless to do what's right. "I won't" means that I have the ability, but am choosing not to do it. In other words, "I don't feel like it..." Watch out for the excuses (the "buts") that stifle your impulse to do what's right. Whenever you hear a "but" -- a justification for not doing the right thing -- instantly challenge it head -on. Demolish those "buts" and start taking control of your life. When you catch yourself saying the words "I can't," say instead "I won't." Don't worry whether you really can or can't do it. Just saying the words will emphasize your control of the decision, and will expand your horizons to new opportunities for success.
The Talmud relates the following case: Mr. A. hires a repairman to fix something, and while working on it, the repairman breaks it. According to Jewish law, the repairma n has to replace the item. But since the repairman was poor, Mr. A. doesn't insist that he pay for the damage. The next day, the repairman sues Mr. A., demanding to be paid for the time he worked. The judge's ruling? Mr. A. has to pay! The judge said that issue of hourly wages -- to which the repairman was entitled -- was separate from the issue of damage, which Mr. A. had forgiven. This example shows how Mr. A. thought he was doing the right thing -- by forgiving the damage -- but really he was falling sh ort of his obligation to pay the wages. That's a rationalization! Let's take the example of charity. The Talmud says you can give a poor person charity and yet destroy him. It all depends on how you do it. If a poor person comes to the door and you throw a dollar in his face and slam the door shut, then you've technically "done your duty." But you also shamed and humiliated him! Whenever dealing with people, ask yourself: "What's proper?" Figure out the straight way to treat parents, friends, business assoc iates, etc. 167
Obligations are usually spelled out clearly, in the form of a contract or an agreement. But some things are the right thing to do, even though they are not technically an "obligation." That's a higher level of righteousness. For example, parents work hard to raise their children, going beyond the minimum. And since they do so voluntarily, there is no "legal" obligation to pay them back. However, if your parents are elderly and need care, the right thing to do is to be there for them. If you want to do the right thing, you'll have to go beyond the inclination to "stand on rights." Avoid expressions like "It's not my turn to take out the garbage," or "I'm not obligated to give up my seat on the bus." Adjust your attitude, and do what's right -even beyond your stated obligation. Learn how to give in to others -- and see how much farther it gets you. To begin moving in this direction, make a list of those to whom you have "debts with no contracts":
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parents siblings spouse friends society the Jewish people God yourself
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Realize that every mistake carries with it a negative consequence. By helping to clarify the personality flaw that caused the mistake, criticism can save you from future loss. Your friend will tell you when you've got spinach stuck in your teeth, while your enemy will smirk and say you look great! As the Sages say: "Better the criticism of a friend, than the kiss of an enemy."
Do you think you're perfect? Of course not. So if you want to reach your potential, look for constructive criticism. When someone is committed to reaching a goal, they'll accept incredible doses of nagging, harassments and insults. Think of what an Olympic athlete willingly endu res from coaches! When we see the benefits, we actually like criticism. Imagine you left your wallet in the post office, and someone calls after you: "Hey! Your forgot your wallet!" Rather than get defensive at the criticism, you'd say, "Thank you very muc h. Next time I'll be more careful." One of the reasons we have difficulty accepting criticism is because it comes at times when we're not emotionally prepared. It catches us off guard. On the other hand, when you invite criticism, you're in a position to d eal with it calmly -- to accept or discard the information. Plus the fact that you're asking for it means you'll select a more reliable source, you're more likely to take it seriously, and... it's good practice for when you get it unexpectedly! Don't wait for a crisis to seek criticism. Preempt problems before they arise. If you want your marriage to succeed, ask for advice. If you want to raise healthy children, ask for advice. The best method is to get feedback from those who are objective -- those who know us best. Once a month, ask a few friends to tell you five ways you could improve. (Ask for five points, because they'll typically start easy -- and only the last one will cut to the heart of the matter!)
It's painful to discover our mistakes, but it's even more painful to go through life repeating those same mistakes. Criticism is like a needle. It may sting, but the pain passes -- and the results will benefit you for a lifetime. When you recognize that the purpose of criticism is to wake you up and get you on track, then you'll be gratefu l to your critic. Get in the habit of saying, "Thank you, I really appreciate your pointing that out." Even if you have to mutter it through clenched teeth... (Don't worry about your pride. If your critic has only said it to put you down, this makes you bigger than him. And it really takes the wind out of his sails.) When you get criticized:
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Don't try to defend yourself. Remember, no one in this world is perfect. Think it over -- is it true? Why does he perceive this? Thank the person for the criticism. Take it one step further -- ask him to elaborate.
Appreciate the value of giving others criticism, too. Someone who is suffering spiritually and emotionally needs help just as much as the one suffering physically. So why do we resist giving criticism? Because we want to be loved, and we think people will resent us for criticizing. Imagine someone was about to walk into an empty elevator shaft. Wouldn't you run to point out his error? If your child refused to take his medicine, would you walk away and say: "I want him to love me, so I won't insist he take this unpleasant medicine." (Of course, learn to give it with lots of sugar.) When we clearly see the consequences of mistakes, we feel obligated to help. The Torah says that any love that does not includ e correction, is false. If you really care, you'll find a way to help -- even if he doesn't realize he needs it. Don't be nonchalant. If another person is feeling miserable or acting self -destructively, don't just stand by. Their mistakes will catch up to them and cost them. Be concerned. Help. When you're indifferent, it's easy to be tolerant of other people's faults. But the more you love someone, the more it hurts to see them living a misguided life. That's why parents -- the least indifferent of people, those who love you the most -- often give the most criticism. It's precisely because of their love that they can't simply turn their backs and say, "He's wasting his life but I don't care." Now we understand why the Torah (Leviticus 19:16 -18) juxtaposes the instruction to give criticism, next to the command to "love your neighbor as yourself," and next to the prohibition against standing idly by while another is in need. The best criticism comes from a sense of love and obligation to help.
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To help someone change, there needn't be any criticizing, throwing stones, or shouting louder than the next guy. The goal is not just to get it off your chest. Appreciate how difficult it is to take criticism, and use that sensitivity to shape the way you criticize others. Before criticizing anyone, ask yourself: "How would I feel if I was on the receiving end? How would I want to be told this?" Because criticism is so valuable, and yet has such potential for damage, it is crucial to "criticize wisely." If your criticism will create animosity or resentment, then it's better not to say anything at all. The first step in correcting others is to love them. If a person feels you truly have their self-interest at heart, they'll listen to what you're saying. Give 10 portions of love for every one of criticism. Give love before, during, and after criticism. Reassure the person that you are on his side. Many parents make the mistake of thinking they can criticize their children without emphasizing how much they love them.
The goal of criticism is to get the person to accept the point, and to grow from it. Your challenge is to avoid triggering any defense mechanism. Try something like this: "I did an inconsiderate thing last night." "Yeah? What?" your roommate asks unknowingly. "After I finished eating, I didn't clean up my dishes. I'm sorry." "Now that you mention it, I also leave my dirty dishes overnight. I'm going to be more careful about cleaning up, too." Mission accomplished, and no hurt feelings. Of course, not all scenari os are the same, nor is it always so easy to soften the blow. But if you're clever enough, you'll find a way to speak your piece -- and keep the peace as well. Finally, the most effective rebuke is demonstrating through action and deed. If children don't appreciate the beauty and value of being honest, it is probably because their parents are not being careful enough with their own honesty. Otherwise the truth would be obvious to anyone. No arguments, no conflicts. The Talmud says that Moses was able to ins truct the people only because he fully exemplified what he preached.
The Hebrew word for criticism, toch'acha, is from the same word as hoch'acha, meaning "proof."
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The best way to get someone to change is not through harsh rebuke, argumentation, or intellectual persuasion. The only way to convince anyone of anything is by clear and obvious proof. The person must see for himself what he is doing wrong. The Midrash tells the story of Elijah the Prophet meeting up with a fisherman: "Do you study Torah?" Elijah asked. "No," replied the fisherman, "I'm just a simple man. I am not endowed with any special talent or intelligence." "Tell me," said Elijah, "how do you prepare your fishing net?" "Well," said the man, "It's actually quite complicated. First I have to select the proper gauge rope, and then I have to weave the net in a particular pattern to ensure the proper balance of strength and flexibility." "How do you go about actually catching the fish?" inquired Elijah. "Oh," said the man, "that, too, involve s many complex factors -- season of the year, time of day, type of fish, water depth, temperature, and speed of the current." "When you get to heaven," said Elijah, "you said you plan to testify that you didn't study Torah study because you're just a simple man, not endowed with any talent or intelligence? But your expertise as a fisherman refutes your very own claim!" Toch'acha is not harsh. Rather, toch'acha is the beauty of reality staring us squarely in the face.
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We all want to get the most out of liv ing. But humans are inherently subjective. Ask friends for feedback. If you're hungry to grow, you'll always be eager to hear people's advice -without getting defensive. When we pay for criticism, we listen to it carefully. Appreciate free criticism, too. Constructive criticism shows you care about the other person's pains and achievements. The battle for life is the battle for sanity. Criticism gives us clarity on our mistakes. The Jewish people are a unit. If one Jew hurts, all Jews should feel it. H elping another Jew is helping yourself, too. The Talmud says that Jerusalem was destroyed because people didn't correct each other. King Solomon said, "Criticize a wise person -- and he'll love you!" (Proverbs 9:8)
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I met a young man who always talked with his head tilted a bit sideways, because somebody once told him he had the profile of a f amous actor. Most people didn't think he had an actor's profile; they thought he had a screw loose. This is what happens when making an impression on others determine our actions. It's human nature to seek recognition for our achievements. Whatever we're p roud of, we want others to know about it, too. Next time you're in a conversation, see how long it takes the other person (and yourself!) to start mentioning personal accomplishments. Why are we so eager to impress people ? Humans are hungry for meaning. Bu t sometimes we don't reach the level we ought to. So we need to compensate with an artificial boost from others. If people say that you're great, you can become convinced. A movie star who believes his fan mail is in trouble. Because he's built a house of cards. And when he falls, he'll fall hard. Chasing after honor is a sign that you don't sufficiently respect yourself. It's like saying, "I might not amount to much, but if I can make others think I do, then I'm worth something." But it's not true. It's ch asing "fool's gold" -- yellow and glittery, but worthless. Deep down you feel like a fraud. Way #36 is mit'rahek min hakavod -- literally "keep far from honor." It teaches us not to look to others for recognition, but to find it within ourselves. Figure ou t what you think is meaningful in life, and use that to drive you to greatness. People who are satisfied with themselves don't need public recognition to reassure their worth. This is a classic body-soul conflict. The body is happy with the illusion that o thers think we're important. But the soul looks for what is truly meaningful. The body says: "Let's be important for the moment." The soul says: "Let's make it real." The body balks at the challenges involved. The soul knows the right thing to do.
If you depend upon the opinions of others to determine how good you are, then you become like a leaf in the wind, fluttering in whichever direction the fads of the time blow you. If you have confidence in your own worth, you'll be better able to follow opinions that are your own and not society's. God calls the Jews a "stiff-necked people." Being stiff -necked is both good and bad. It's bad because you are stubborn and unwilling to change. But it's good because in 173
the face of fads and trends, you stick to your guns. If the Jewish people were not stiff-necked, we'd never have survived till today. We all want success and greatness, and we should seek it. But don't live for others. Don't base your career choice, lifestyle or even leisure time solely on what gives you status. If you want to be great, then do something great. Not because it will earn you respect in the eyes of others, but because you want to live a meaningful life and fulfill your potential -- regardless of the attention it will draw. Don't worry. When you follow the straight path, even though others might initially reject you, you can go to sleep knowing that your conscience in clear -- and knowing that in the end, truth will prevail.
Make sure that your choices are what's best for you, not based on impressing others. Always ask yourself: "What is my real motive?" For example, if you're planning a European vacation, is it because you really want to visit Europe? Or because you hope to impress everyone with new tales of adventure? Here are some exercises you can do: 1. Make a list of what people typically seek admiration for -- wealth, strength, skills, education, intelligence, career, health, athletics. Are there other, more important things that should be on this list? 2. Make a list of things you do to imp ress others. What is it about these that make you feel so important? 3. Ask yourself why you feel the need to impress other people. What do you ultimately hope to accomplish? 4. Some people are constantly boasting about their achievements, crying out: "Take notice. I am somebody!" Judaism says that anyone who does a good deed and boasts about it, loses the reward for that deed. Suppose you find out about a widow and her children who have barely enough to eat. So you bring them food, provide support, and set the m on the road to financial independence. The moment you start boasting about it, you've taken a beautiful act, and used it for self -aggrandizement. People are suspicious of those desperate for recognition. That's why honor is one of those strange things that the more you run after it, the less you get. Judaism says that when you do a good deed, the only ones who need to know about it are you and God. Do kindness anonymously. Don't worry. God will find a way to make sure you're amply rewarded.
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One of the most destructive ways of trying to impress others is by role -playing. We act out characters that we think others will like. Did you ever notice how your personality can change in the presence of different people? To those at the health club, we appear athle tic. To our friends, we are fun. To our boss, we are serious. We may go through 10 or 20 roles per day! Take a look at the different ways you project yourself, and try to describe them. You might even find yourself playing a variety of contradictory roles. This is dangerous, because by casually switching roles, we can lose sight of who we really are. Beware of media pressure to conform to a certain model. Imagine the subconscious desire to be the Marlboro Man! Get in touch and decide who you really want to be. Ask yourself: "What role am I playing? Is that really who I want to be?" Who is the real you?
The capacity for role-playing has a positive side: it can draw out potential that we may not otherwise access. Because when we act outwardly in a positive m anner, it awakens our inner selves. Choose a role that would be good for you, and let it start affecting your daily behavior. Let's say you want to become genuinely happy. So start playing the role of the cheerful, smiling, friendly person who likes being with people. Acting the part will train the body to become attuned -- and the person you are "playing" eventually becomes the real you! Perhaps you'll ask: Is there any difference between deceiving others and deceiving yourself? The answer is that role -playing to bring out potential is a positive exercise, while role-playing to bring out compliments is not. The litmus test is when trying to deceive others, you'll end up feeling rotten afterwards. But if you're acting in order to improve your character, you'll end up feeling better about yourself. One more positive application of role -playing: Strategize how to act in advance of a challenging situation. For example, if you're going to deliver a speech in public, practice in front of the mirror to get it just right. Or, if you tend to argue with your boss, role-play on how to diffuse the tension. It will save you and others a lot of suffering.
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Don't get trapped in the obsessive need for recognition. Seeking the approval of others harms you, because it keeps y ou from the real work of becoming great. If you need others to verify your significance, it's time to examine your self esteem. When you act to impress others, you feel the emptiness inside. Ask yourself: Given the choice, would I rather be famous-and-miserable, or satisfied-and-unknown? 175
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When you get the urge to toot your own horn, ask yourself: Who am I trying to impress? Even if you convince people that you're the greatest person in the world, have you convinced yourself?
"I know that alreadyI've heard it all beforeThat old stuff is boring" Imagine losing your eyesight for a year, and then suddenly regaining it. The joy is boundless. Every "sight" becomes a point of focus and fascination. People usually get tired of life when their ideas become fixed. The 48 Ways says that eternal youth is granted to those who are always willing to grow. Whatever your age, occupation, or station in life -- be fascinated with learning. When we become used to something, we tend to overlook its intrinsic beauty. It loses its glisten and sparkle. Way #37 is lo magis libo bi'talmudo -- "Never be satiated with your learning" -- in other words, don't let yourself slip into complacency. Don't assume that your viewpoint is the only way. You may have heard an idea a thousand times before, but then someone presents it from a slightly different angle, and you say, "That's amazing -- I never thought of that before!" Listen to every concept as if hearing it for the first time. You'll be amazed at the deeper levels yet to discover. Whatever you know, there is still more to understand about love, meaning, pleasure. Never be satisfied with your level. The more you learn, the more you realize how much there is to know! We only tap into a small percent of our potential.
Look around you: your clothes, your house, your job. Try to recall the feeling of when it was brand new. Now recapture that same degree of enthusiasm today! Human tendency is to take things for granted. Take five minutes and make a list of the amazing aspects of creation -- the ecosystem, communication, gravity, breathing, the human brain. Appreciate t he simple joys of life. A bird chirping. A child laughing. The sun shining. Open your eyes to the awe -inspiring beauties of daily life. Wake up in the morning with gratitude for the gift of life. The daily Jewish prayers thank God for our ability to think, for our organs functioning properly, for having clothing to wear. Saying these prayers transforms your attitude toward each day.
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Another way to refresh your view of the world is to appreciate the people you care about. Re-evaluate your approach to your pa rents, your spouse -- and yourself. Look for fresh insights. Reawaken the mystery and the chemistry.
Never say: "I can't." If it's the right thing to do, then you can do it. Realize that every time we say, "I can't," it holds us back from growing. Make a list of all the things you "can't" do. For example, "I can't find my soul mate," or "I can't land my dream job." Everyone has hundreds of these "I can'ts" floating around. Now sort through your list. Distinguish between "I can't" and "I don't feel like it ." Ninety-nine percent of the "I can'ts" are really an excuse for "I don't feel like it." Are you backing off because it takes great effort? Or perhaps you lack the confidence to succeed? Consider each item on your list. Commit to turning the "I can't" int o "I will." Life starts jumping when we actively make things happen, instead of allowing things to passively happen to us. Don't give up on yourself. Wrestle with your problems, your ambitions, your attitudes. Make a plan to accomplish. Don't worry about t he mistakes of the past. Go forward!
Complacency is the number one killer of life. Complacent people close their minds to new ideas and growth. But that's not life; that's mere "existence." The opposite of complacency is excitement to grow and learn. Ope n your mind to new ideas, and evaluate them objectively. Communism? Capitalism? Judaism? Figure out what's your best long -term investment. Apply fresh ideas to everyday life. Suppose that you're bored silly with the drudgery of house cleaning, but you can't afford to hire a maid. What should you do? Research the homemaking world, and develop the quickest, easiest, and most invigorating way to get the job done. Make a game out of it. Put on a jogging suit, prepare your vacuum cleaner, set your stopwatch, and then zoom through the house. It's great exercise -- and the challenge will turn a mundane task into a thrill! One sure way to become re-energized with a topic is to teach others. Suppose you know how to bake a cake, or can juggle three balls. In prepa ring to teach someone else, you need to become excited about it yourself. Just the act of preparing will bring out new insights. And the questions others ask will bring renewed depth and vitality to the topic.
Many people say it's impossible to know the purpose of life. 177
There's a great danger here. Because when we say we can't know something, we give up the chase. Never say: "I can't know truth." (The fact that billions of people don't know something, doesn't mean it can't be known.) Often we resist asking existential life questions because of the great effort it takes to research and develop. The 48 Ways says: Undertake the challenge. Even if you don't find the answer, the process of investigating will undoubtedly yield tremendous insights along the way. Spend a few minutes and ask yourself, "What am I living for?" If you have the courage to keep that question at the forefront of your mind, you are guaranteed to never grow bored with life.
When it comes to crucial life concepts, we sometimes say we "know" something, when perhaps we don't. For example, it is a foundation of Judaism that God loves us personally and individually. He listens to our prayers. He desires a relationship with us. He guides and cares for us. We may say we "know it," but unless we are living with that reality, we don't really know it. We're just paying lip service. The method to "know" something is through understanding. Embark on a study of Who God is, and why He may act the way He does. As Rebbeinu Bechaye (11th century Spain) writes in "Duties Of The Heart": "The Torah encourages you to reflect and exercise your intellect on such themes Investigate with your reason, understanding and judgment until the truth becomes clear to you and false ideas are dispelled; as it is written , "Know this day and lay it on your heart that the Lord, He is God" (Deut. 4:39). This admonition refers to everything in which rational methods of investigation can be used." Once we begin to grapple with the question of God in our lives, then we can trul y come to know that He loves us. And from there, great new vistas will open up.
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To stagnate in learning is to stagnate as a person. Keep reworking and updating what you know about living. Don't take life for granted. Don't give up on yourself. Keep tryin g and you'll make it. Don't be duped by laundry soap that's labeled "new and improved." You say you know it. But learn it again, and you'll see how much more there is yet to discover. In order to be great, we must wake up from complacency. 178
Some people think that decisions are made every once in a while, when issue comes up. But really all of life -- every conscious moment -- is decision. From the instant we wake up, we begin to decide: What will I breakfast? How will I greet my boss today? Even if we yawn, turn over and to sleep -- that's also a decision.
The cumulative impact of decisions, even though each is individually small, is what determines the overall quality of life. Way #38 is Aino sam'eyach behora'ah -- which idiomatically means "don't take decisions lightly." Of course, different decisions have different impacts. If you don't visit Disneyland, you miss out on Mickey Mouse. But if you don't acquire wisdom for a successful marriage, it can have tragic consequences. For living, be serious. Ask yourself: What am I going to do today? This week? This year? What am I doing with my life? What are the possibilities? What can a human being achieve?
Living Is Decision-Making
Consider the consequences of not knowing the real p urpose of life. Anyone who says there are no answers to serious philosophical questions has probably not asked the right questions to the right people. Realize there are consequences of not investigating these issues. We have to research these questions an d not give flippant answers:
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How should I honor my parents? How will I maintain honesty in business? How will I care for humanity? Does God exist? Do I have free will? Is there an afterlife?
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Many people make life-and-death decisions without thinking. If a decision is uncomfortable, we often brush the whole issue off and put it out of our mind. We might not question a doctor out of fear of offending him. Or we may choose a group of friends based on frivolous grounds, without thinking through the consequence s. Beware of this trap. Take time to introspect. Clarify your important decisions. On what basis did you arrive at these conclusions? You may be surprised at how carelessly you've made some decisions that have a dramatic impact on your life.
But "Monday morning quarterbacking" is hardly confined to football. We like to "play" decision making in areas like: "If I was president of the Unit ed States," or "If I was the CEO," or "If I was God." Be careful. Judging other's errors gives us a false sense of our own wisdom. But there's a good chance we'd have made the same mistakes.
Living means growing. If you don't make decisions, you won't grow. The most important decision to make is: "What am I living for?" Making decisions will make your life real. The more informed you are, the better your decisions will be . Don't make any decision you're not qualified to make. Evaluate fairly, not based on prejudices. Be a judge, not a lawyer. To live rationally and meaningfully, be willing to admit when you don't know. Only you determine your life path. Anytime you want to change, it's up to you 181
When you're feeling down, has anyone ever slapped you on the back and said, "C'mon, cheer up -- you've got everything to live for!" You probably felt like clocking him. Why? Because even though he's trying to help, he doesn't feel where you're at.
Way #39 is Nosay b'ol im chaveiro -- literally "carry your friend's burden." In other words, be aware and share the pain of others. You can't cruise through life as if it's an obstacle course: watch out, here's a human being, manipulate him, score a point, one upmanship. That's not the way. You have to share the burden.
When someone is physically hurt, everyone jumps for bandages, water, CPR, whatever it takes. But when the pain is emotional or spiritual, if someone is depressed and suffering, we don't know what to do. So we avoid the situation. Yet these are the times we should go beyond ourselves to share another's pain. Because in truth, a broken heart is worse than a broken arm. Be aware that everyone has dozens of burdens they're struggling with (whether they're conscious of them or not) -- problems of self-respect, unfulfilled plans, failures, doubts, inadequacies. That's all part of the challenge of sorting through life. If you want to live in a "humane" world, you've got to get out of yourself and feel other people's problems. You can't live blindfolded in a world wher e "there's no one else except me." That's uncivilized barbaric
I feel? The clerk in the post office has a tough job. What's he going through? Or if someone cuts in line -- notice how he's under tension. Focus and make it real. When you speak with an elderly person, fo r instance, try to imagine him as creative and dynamic, who was once as young as you. And what about children? It's easy to treat them as little playthings, forgetting they are highly insightful and sensitive.
Sensitive Fighting
When you get into a disagreement, don't focus solely on the logic and justice of your position. Try to figure out the other person's problem -- is something blocking him from seeing the truth? Feel where your friend is stuck. He doesn't want to admit he made a mistake. So don't keep pushing. He probably doesn' t like the conclusion because he'll be uncomfortable. So relax him. Don't retaliate against people as if they were objects. If your employee doesn't do his job, perhaps he needs a little guidance, or a little appreciation.
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Similarly, when you're teaching someone, don't just communicate one way. See if he's listening, if he's interested, accepting, denying, energized, disturbed, pleased. You have to feel it. That's perception. It goes the other way, too. When you have a teacher who's communicating knowledge, go beyond his words. Try to appreciate on a personal level what it means to him. You're tapping into a new dimension. That's the way to learn wisdom.
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How is your teacher feeling today? The butcher, the baker, the beautician -- what are they feeling? How do your parents look? Tired? Stressed? Anxious? What about your spouse? Is there anything you can do to help?
The ones you are most obligated to care for are your children. You love them. But do you feel where they're coming from? That takes the difficult realization that they are independent entities. And that means you have to stop focusing on your own hurt that perhaps they're not accomplishing what you want from them. Millions of parents are fighting with their kids. They love their children most of all -yet they are spreading misery and hatred. It's tragic. And it's all because they don't feel the other person. See the destructiveness of not having a piece of wisdom!
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When we "share the burden" with someone who's depressed, we are inoculated against this ourselves. We begin to see life more objectively. And we are comforted with the knowledge that people may be feeling and experiencing the same things as we are. You can walk around claiming to be a good person and you can talk about it but unless you feel it inside, you're not dealing with realities.
Sharing Joy
Imagine you just had a baby and there's no one to tell. Or the girl just said "yes" and there's no one to tell. You walk down the street and hey -- I'm engaged! Does anyone care? It's painful not to be able to share joy. At a Jewish wedding everyone shares the joy of the bride and groom. Why? Shared joy makes it real, makes it full. So when you go to a wedding, don't just go to eat. Ultimately, even the sharing of negative burdens is sharing a sense of joy. Why? Because helping people is indeed a pleasure. And when our friend overcomes his problem, his newfound joy is ours as much as it is his.
Everybody wants to be a good person, to help humanity. In order to make it a humane world, be sensitive to others and share with them. To deal with people effectively and intelligently, see where they're coming from.
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Wherever you find yourself -- in class, at work, or at a social gathering -- pay close attention to the people around you. Learn their names, talk to them, observe their moods, and listen. If you don't feel empathy for others, you usually end up adding to their burden -- i.e. saying the wrong thing while they're suffering. Sharing the burdens of others is the way to bridge the gap between ourselves and the rest of the world, connecting us with the intrinsic oneness of humanity and the universe.
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Imagine you're staying at a hotel, and a guy in the next room climbs over the balcony and is going to jump. Will you step forward to help? Or will you stand aside and enjoy the excitement as the crowd yells "Jump! Jump!" You know that you care. So what are you going to do to help? If he asks you, "Why shouldn't I jump," what are you going to say? Beyond this, do you even have the right to stop him if he wants to jump? It's not enough just to "feel" another's problems. You've got to actually do something to help. Fight the tendency to stand back, criticizing and shaking your head at other's mistakes. Way #40 is mach'riyo li'kaf zechut -- literally "judging favorably." We must help other people change their lives and get back on track. As human beings we care and want to help. You'll do all you can to stop him. You'll never forgive yourself if you just stand there. Now apply this to the rest of your life.
Accept Responsibility
In order to help others, you have to accept the responsibility. One of the earliest and most important lessons of Judaism is that "we are our brother's keepers." We all live in this world together. It's easy to take responsibility when someone is in physical danger. You're just as obligated when he's in spiritual danger. Help your friend confront his problem. If he needs help, take action -- even if your assistance might initially stir up resentment. And even if you don't like the other person, you can't excuse yourself by saying, "It serves him right." 187
Before you give up on anyone -- be it an alcoholic, a lazy employee, or a friend who betrayed you -- give him the benefit of the doubt. Make every feasible effort to restore him to sanity. Try at least 10 ways to help him before you write him off. Wouldn't you want others to give you the same consideration? One of the most important steps in helping others i s to have a plan. And not just one plan, but several back-up plans! If one plan doesn't work to straighten them out, then come up with a new one. If you value a human being enough, you'll have the patience to find the best method you can.
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Be creative. Search for solutions. Be determined not to stop until you succeed.
Motivate Others
Do what you can to motivate others to live more productively. To accomplish this, focus on his particular problem -- e.g. lack of self-confidence, arrogance, etc. The idea is not to "explain" or "preach" to someone who needs help. Don't tell him he's bleeding; stop the bleeding. Get him into the right pattern of living. To reach the right solution, isolate what's causing the problem. You don't change people; people change thems elves. The best you can do is enlighten people. This in turn changes their perspective in life, and the actions follow suit. This is corrective criticism. For example, if you know someone is depressed, it usually stems from a feeling that his life is pointless. So show him how to be happy, by getting him in touch with how much he has. Help him in a practical way: "Let's go for a run for a swim paint a picture buy a new hat." Share a problem where he can help, or motivate him to volunteer for a worthwhile organization where he can do good for others. These things help get him out of depression. Be genuinely interested. Showing interest earns the trust of others, and makes them more open to you. Even if you don't tell people directly how to make their li ves better, just the fact that you care develops their admiration for you, and allows them to learn from your good habits. Anytime someone makes a mistake, you can assume he's missing information about life. Check if there's a gap of information you can fi ll. You have to see what's going wrong. For example, what causes unhappiness in our generation? Decadence, selfishness, wanting quick and easy solutions, etc. Figure out how to help. At the very least, the effort of trying will make you a better human bein g.
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To be a good human being, you have to be as equally concerned with others. Their lives and suffering are just as real as yours. 189
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When we're helping others, our minds are objective and functioning well. Then we can do the same for ourselves. Don't "suffer" humanity's problems. Instead, find a cure. Give to others the precious ideas you have learned. Whenever you hear a good piece of wisdom, ask: "How can this idea help my friend?" When people do things that cause you harm, don't automatically assume they're out to get you. Judge people to the side of good. If you see their merits, you'll be able to help them. People need each other. Do everything you can to help. Feel you are responsible. "The buck stops here."
Too many people today are living an illusion. They'll escape into the fabricated world of a movie, or into a virtual reality experience. But isn't the most beautiful reality the one that's real? Isn't it better to see a fantastic sunset than watch it in a movie? To experience the thrill of adventure rather than simulate it in an amusement pa rk? To achieve greatness rather than hallucinate you're Cleopatra? Everyone has a sneaking suspicion there's something truly breathtaking about life. So why are so many people miserable? Because they're not focused on reality. A person can create the impression that his act is together, though in reality he's deluding himself. Reality itself is absolute. At any moment, it's either night or day. You can sleep through reality, and choose not relate to it. But that's still what it is. Way #41 is ma'amido al ha'emet -- literally "set him into truth." Don't live a life of illusions. Get into reality. It's the real thing.
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Two people can be neighbors for years, play golf together, share barbecue dinners, and consider themselves the best of friends. They only argue over one issue: God. The most fundamental issue of life -- which colors our thinking on virtually everything -- and these two can't even agree if He exists! "Co-existence" is not the same as living in the same reality. So who's reality is true? Become a truth seeker. Be ambitious to know what life is really about. Constantly look for evidence to either substantiate -- or contradict -- your ideas. Always be open to new information that will enable you to hone your understanding of the truth.
Attitude Adjustment
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Imagine a young woman flying from Chicago to attend a friend's wedding in New York. She has a beautiful gown, custom -made especially for the occasion. Then, just before leaving her hotel for the wedding, a clumsy bellhop spills a tray of room service all over her dress. Catastrophe! Instantly, her mind races through all the possibilities: look for an emergency dry cleaner, try to borrow another dress, or simply skip the wedding. She's got to make a decision! She concludes that the best option is to go to the wedding with a dirty dress. This triggers another whole series of decisions, because when someone asks, "Why is your dress all dirty," what will she answer? She can simply say, "It doesn't really matter, the important thing is that I'm here to enjoy my friend's wedding." Or she can say, "poor me" -- and spend the whole evening commiserating exactly how it happened and how she is crestfallen an d what a disaster it is! If you decide: "The world's a mess and it's a drag to be here," then that's how you'll live. If you decide: "Life is good and it's a pleasure to be here," that's how you'll live. If it's good to be alive, you need to know: What's g ood about it? Frequently, the real problem is that a person doesn't know what he wants. If you don't know what you want, you can't drive full force to get it. Once you know what you're living for, there's no holding you back. You'll jump out of bed every morning with childlike wonderment at life's great thrill. If there's ugliness in the world, you have two choices: either complain, or clean it up. It's all in the attitude. Don't sit there and say "I wish the world was different." The beauty of life is that you can change the ugliness. You have the potential -- if you choose to use it. There are always 10 different ways to go. Life is your decision. Nobody else does it for you. So ask: Am I using my potential? Why not? What's holding me back?
Fight Insanity
Judaism says that ignorance is the most terrible, painful, destructive disease of all. People may even commit suicide out of ignorance. They lose money in the stock market and suddenly feel that life is no longer worth living. What happened? They severed their connection with reality. "Sanity" means more than just not getting locked away in an insane asylum. Sanity clears your mind of fuzziness and allows you to see the beauty of creation. Sanity is energizing, expansive, awesome. Insanity is contagious. Imagine we lock you up in an asylum where everyone sees snakes crawling on the walls. After six months, it's almost guaranteed you'll believe there's snakes on the walls. 192
People accept the most ridiculous things because everyone else accepts it. Fashion trends and mass marketing operate on this principle. What's the best way to survive an insane asylum? Cure your fellow inmates. Otherwise you're bound to be influenced by them.
(On the other hand, there are certain universal drives: the desire to be good, to actualize potential, to help others, etc.) The best solution to a problem is the one that someone comes up with on their own. Because when someone understands the obstacles that interfere with their own fulfillment, they'll devote themselves more fully to that solution. Setting a person on the straight course doesn't mean being a "solution -wiz" dispensing answers. It means being a facilitator, showing others their mistakes, and guiding their personal exploration of correct solutions. Don't forget to tackle your own proble ms. Because in order to get someone else into reality, you first have to understand it yourself. So strive to resolve your own issues, to free yourself to look beyond the little box. And the more "perfect" you become, the better leader you become for other s. In some instances, however, if you do hit an impasse with yourself, one way out is to try solving other people's problems. With yourself, you're all boxed up. With others, you're more objective. So once you experience success in external problem -solving, you can then apply it to yourself.
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A parent doesn't take revenge on a child. That's the principle of our Father in Heaven.
Never stop asking: Is it good to be alive? What am I living for? We need to be good. Hel ping others straighten out their lives is not just part of living; it's what living is about. Get to the root of the problem. Cut it out and release the latent potential. Ask yourself: "Do I really want to live in reality?" Make decisions about the wisdom you learn: "Am I going to live with it, or ignore it?" Live in the real world. It will make you yearn for sanity.
Everyone is pro-peace. But when Jews hail each other with that famous greeting, Shalom Aleichem -- "peace unto you" -- it really refers to a wish for inner peace. Because all the pleasures in the world are just stepping stones to peace of mind. Way #42 is ma'amido al hashalom -- literally "set people at peace." The Hebrew word for peace -- shalom -- comes from shalem, which means wholeness, completion and perfection. Real peace is much more than a cessation of war. In fact, peace of mind is independent of external circumstances. The world can be in turmoil, but a person can be at peace with himself. And vice versa: The world can be peaceful, but a person can be torn up inside.
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The source of this battle is between the two opposing "human natures" of body and soul. The body gravitates toward transitory comforts and sensual pleasures. It desires to quit, to dream, to drown in passions, to procrastinate. The body says: Give me some food, warmth, a pillow. Let me take it easy. The soul, on the other hand, desires meaning, accomplishment, permanence, greatness, reality and truth. These two forces clash. We want to be tough, but we feel like being marshmallo ws. We want to be great, but we don't feel like making the effort. We want to be independent, but we feel like being seduced. And even when we're not aware of it, this conflict is raging within us. Peace only comes when we resolve that inner strife. Do you want greatness or do you want to be average? Wake up!
Body Training
Getting your body to agree with the soul doesn't mean you have to crush the body. The body's drive is a positive force to be harnessed. The trick is to teach the body to supply the same energy and enthusiasm when pursuing meaning, as it does when pursuing a candy bar. The body is where the passion is, where the power is. Get it to join your act. 196
Train your body to be in tune with your soul. When you feel the body's resistance, talk to it. Cajole it . Reassure it. Imagine a jogger, out for the first time on a long run. The body protests: "Don't be a masochist We'll have a heart attack We'll never make it beyond this corner Stop already!" Only firm willpower can squelch the body's resistance and get it to comply. How? By constantly reassuring it of the higher value of being in shape, thin and healthy. "This is what you really want Imagine how much better you'll feel You'll be respectedYou'll live longer." Two months later, if you miss a day of jogging, the body says, "Hey, what's going on? I missed the pleasure of that workout!" Figure out what you want and overrule the body. Paint the prospects in glowing terms, until you reduce the body's anxiety. Keep drilling until the body's resistance has worn down and becomes your soul's willing partner. Just like jogging, you can measure it: How much drilling will it take before the body goes along with my goal? It may take awhile for the body to adjust -- but it becomes increasingly easier. Use discipline. Drill, drill, drill. Get your higher goals to "grab your guts," and sink the body's passion into the soul's desire. Be ready for that madness of the body fighting you and don't let go. Because if you let go, then the body will run wild!
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If someone doesn't know what he's living for, then he's at war with himself. You cannot have peace while being mediocre. When we think big, we become big. Look around the world and see how much you can accomplish. Greatness is achieved by leading with the soul, and harnes sing the passionate power of the body. Real peace comes only when your body desires your soul's success. If we succeed in making others great, we become great ourselves. The ultimate cause that the soul yearns for is oneness with God.
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We've all experienced fascination so great that we're sittin g on the edge of our seat. It could be a rollercoaster ride, or a brilliant lecturer, or a breathtaking scene. At that moment we are totally engaged in the thrill of living. That's why a crisis -- though frightening -- is so stimulating. It demands 100 percent attention, a full unison of heart and mind. Imagine if you can reproduce that sensation in everyday life -- you'll be flying high!
Way #43 is mit-yashev libo bi-talmudo -- literally "settle studies in your heart." This means that when you begin any activity, don't just bring your body along. Make sure you mind and heart are there, too. Connect your emotional needs to your intellectual appreciation. Otherwise, life is only half an experience.
Be completely absorbed in whatever you're doing. Whether you're studying geometry, cooking dinner, or raising your children -- be fascinated. Because when we're fascinated, we have a better attention span, greater retention -- and in the end we'll do a better job.
Who Cares?
The reason we often lack fascination is because we don't focus on the personal benefit involved. Could you enjoy a lecture on automobile carburetors? A detailed description of how gasoline mixes with air to generate combustion? Maybe it's interesting for five minutes. Then zzzzz Now imagine being stuck in the desert with a broken carburetor. If somebody would give a detailed lecture about carburetors, you'll say, "Wow! Fascinating! Speak slowly because I want to take notes!" What changed your perspective? Carburetors suddenly became relevant. Something that's utterly boring one minute, can be totally fascinating the next -- as long as we perceive its importance in our lives. Notice how we'll stop to read an advertisement that claims: "Earn a million dollars. Guaranteed." We snap to attention. We're interested!
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So the next time somebody presents you with a piece of information, don't say "Who cares?" Rather, connect it to your desires. Define: Why do I want to know this? How is this relevant to my life? How can I integrate the idea in a practical way? Once you commit to applying the wisdom, you'll see how fascinating it can be.
We can learn a lot by observing what fascinates others. What kind of movie is a guaranteed hit? Ninety murders packed into one film -- wow! -- a murder a minute! Why does everyone tune into CNN to see an airplane crash? Or a tornado -- houses knocked down -- wow! People love war stories, movie stars, and mystery thrillers. Why the fascination? What's the common denominator? What does this tell us about human nature? This is not an endorsement, rather just an observation about what has captured the fascination of today's Western world. Now compare this to your own list. In what ways are you missing out? And equally important, how can you turn your human nature on a positive course, to avoid traps that others might be falling into?
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To be fascinated with truth and wisdom, we have to realize that our essence is a soul, not a body. This realization keeps us from wasting time on the frivolities of li fe. Eating is fine -- of course you've got to feed the body, and "taste" is a wonderful pleasure. But don't get lost in eating. You know you're a soul -- fascinated with wisdom, fascinated with living, fascinated with the puzzle and mystery of existence. Open up the next installment. What's it going to be? You are a soul locked up in a body. What a situation! What a thrill!
When we're fascinated and absorbed, we do a better job. When we're fascinated, it's energizing rather than energy -draining. Connect your intellectual realization to your emotional hot -buttons. A real person is more fascinating than any TV character will ever be. Set goals for living and pursue them with relentless fascination. To become fascinated with truth and wisdom, remember that you're a soul, not a body.
3. Apply: What am I going to do about it? Practice these, and eventually asking good questions will become second nature to you. You have to be ready to deal with living. Because if yo u don't, the most profound wisdom can come your way and it'll end up in the trash can.
contradicts this idea? Try looking deeper into things and people. For nothing is ever as it appears on the surface For example: Can God make a rock so heavy that even He can't lift? This question implies a limitation in God's power -- either he is unable to create such a heavy rock, or He is unable to lift it. The answer is that there is a fundamental flaw in the question. The question assumes that infinities -- an infinitely heavy rock and an Infinite God -- are comparable. But as we should know from 1 0th grade math class, two infinities cannot be compared.
What is the purpose of life? How can I fulfill my potential? How can I avoid repeating mistakes?
Some people say: "There are no answers." In truth, the point of all questions is the answers. Getting clarity is a long, tough haul. But don't stop! Personally I've been working on one question for 10 years, thinking about it at least twice a day. Get your questions out of you. And start answering them. Sit down, introspect, and see what important questions are left unresolved. If something's bothering you, don't let it fester. Put it in a list, and carry the list with you. Keep these questions in mind, readily available when you meet someone who might be able to provide insight. If your business was faltering, you wouldn't just sit there lo sing money -- you'd figure out the problem and solve it. In life, too, you can't just sit there and lose. Figure life out!
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marriage because they don't have the right definition going in. Their expectations are based on a Hollywood script. Figure out what marriage is all about. Is it an arrangement? A contract? A tax shelter? Domestic help? Companionship? A way of living cheaper? A ritual to satisfy stodgy grandparents? Judaism says: "Marriage is the commitment that a man and woman make to pursue their life goals together." It's a holy bond between two people who become as o ne. It gives strength to the individual as well as to the unit. It brings fulfillment, friendship, family, and much more. Don't walk down the aisle until you know:
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What is the purpose of marriage? How do I have a successful marriage? How do I know I've picked the right partner?
Bronzed Questions
In Western society, parents take a child's first pair of shoes and have them bronzed. It's a reminder of when the baby achieved a level of maturity and independence. In Judaism, we immortalize something else -- a child's first analytical question, the first time he caught a contradiction. That's independence! The importance of good questions is engrained in Jewish national consciousness. We see from the episode of the Burning Bush, that the w ise Moses posited the point of contradiction: "The bush is burning, but it is not consumed." At the Passover Seder, children are encouraged to ask the famous Four Questions. The Seder also speaks about four children: one wise, one bad, one simple, and one who does not know how to ask. Each is defined by the type of question he asks. A yeshiva is a school to learn the skill of analyzing and asking probing questions. The guidebook is the Talmud -- the world's greatest Q&A manual. The Talmud is built on diggin g for contradictions, and over the centuries, Jews have developed this into a fine art. Sometimes the Torah text will be very terse. Why? To prompt us to ask investigative, analytical questions. Torah requires great effort to work it out on our own, and th e more we study, the more we sharpen our tools for independent analysis. If you study enough questions, you pick up patterns and your brain begins to think in that analytical way. You've heard of the graduate degree called Doctor of Letters? Yeshiva students earn a Ph.D. of Questions. And the star of the yeshiva is the one who can ask the best question!
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A fool is too embarrassed to ask questions. Don't be a fool. A good question is half the answer. Questions and answers are life's tools for clarification. For every contradiction, there is an equal and opposite resolution. Human beings reveal themselves by what questions they ask. 208
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Ask a Jew a question -- and he answers with a question. Contrast one concept with another, to see if any contradiction emerges to anything previously assumed true. Life is not "instant answers." We have to work hard to gain a full understanding. When drawing our conclusions, don't simply rely upon outside opinions and assumptions. A wise person asks questions. And a wise person looks for answers.
figure, a pawn of the media. And you are not really into this business of paying attention. Don't wait for these inspired moments to come on their own. Figure out how to formalize the process -- to take any idea a step further, unfold it, and see its many dimensions. Yet we humans tend to be lazy. We know we should examine thing s in depth, but we often avoid the effort required and content ourselves with superficial explanations. Counteract this tendency. Too often, ideas hit us on the surface, and we don't bother doing anything about them. That's why there's so much inconsistency in the world today. Ideas bounce off of people, instead of into them. Don't stand there like a lump. Run with the ball. Pursue your ultimate conclusions. You will unfold the mystery of life -- instead of just whimpering about it.
Love can be defined. What is the definition of love? To take pleasure in another's virtues. Every human being has virtues. To "love" means to excuse the faults, and focus on virtues.
3) Conclusion
If the Almighty said: "Love human beings," then humans must be intrinsically lovable. This is confirmed by the fact that almost everyone has a t least two people who love him -- his parents. So if you're having trouble loving someone, ask yourself: "If I was his mother, what would I love about him?" This unlocks an amazing new dimension. Every human being is gorgeous. We simply need to see it.
4) Derivation
What is lovable about human beings? It must be something common to all human beings. Which is: Humans are created in the image of God.
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5) Extension
Since we are commanded to love others, that means love is something which can be commanded. This goes against common perception that while it's nice to love others, love cannot be obligatory. But Judaism says otherwise. Which leads one to ponder: Who can teach me the secret how to love all people?
6) Parallel
If the Almighty instructs us to love others, it must mean that He loves us. How do we know that? Because when we love someone, we also want others to love that person. Since God loves us, He wants us to love each other, too.
7) Corollary
Part of loving someone is protecting them from harm. Theref ore, "love your neighbor" also means fighting for human rights, working against injustice, stopping violence.
8) Consequence
If everyone practiced "Love your neighbor," the world would operate with a far greater degree of patience, tolerance, understanding , communication, appreciation, unity, etc. This one principle would transform human history! When we love each other, take pleasure in each other, and work together, we harness the full potential of the universe. Do you sense the power?
9) Appreciation
Look back at the time of the Greeks, the Babylonians, and the Egyptians who murdered, enslaved, impaled. History shows that it was Judaism -- with its innovative declaration to love humanity because we're all made in God's image -that introduced and inspire d civil rights and justice into the world. The Jews said: "We are all in the image of God, and you've got to love all humanity." This idea succeeded because the Torah specifies detailed laws how to translate that love into action. Gradually, the Jewish mes sage became accepted by all mankind. Incredible!
Stay On Target
Any time you go through this process of associations, you need to be very careful. Imagine building a tower, putting one brick on top of another. If you're slightly off target with the first layer of bricks, it's not so bad. The third row of bricks will stay, too. But by the 15th row, if the bricks are not perfectly lined up, the whole structure will collapse.
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The same is true with ideas. When drawing conclusion upon conclusion upon conclusion, if you're off just a little bit, all subsequent conclusions will be increasingly wrong -- and you'll wind up with some very strange and dangerous ideas! Constantly monitor your conclusions by bouncing your ideas off other people. This give-and-take will correct errors while they're still minor, and will also expose new ideas that would not have otherwise emerged from your mind.
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As an exercise, take five of your favorite pieces of wisdom -- things that you consider the most important tools for life. Now go through a drill: find a corollary, a consequence, a derivation, a conclusion. This step-by-step approach will open up a potentially infinite chain of conclusions. In fact, the Sages say that from any one mitzvah of the Torah, you could theoretically draw a picture of all of the 613 mitzvot -- by following logically the consequences, derivations, etc. (Of course, it takes a master to do so)
Whenever you hear a piece of wisdom, extract what's relevant to your life. When you learn a concept, unfold it to see its compone nts. If A is true, then B may also be true. Drill! Take a lot of concepts and put them through this process. Anything that we hear is not really valuable unless we make it our own. Every night before going to sleep, do an intellectual house -cleaning. To be alive, you have to be engaged in the process of life.
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This is not to suggest turning all your friends and family into guinea pig students. But it does mean recognizing in advance how you can impact others in a positive way.
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What are people fascinated by? What is crucial for people to know? Which ideas do I know best? What have I learned about life's bumps and knocks?
Become a specialist. Identify an area you've learned in dep th, and try to perfect it. Constantly update, expand and improve your repertoire. Keep your ideas fresh. If you're excited about the material, your audience will be, too. To make this concept more real, try writing an ethical will. "Dear Child: Now that I am 'X' years old, here are the important things I've learned about living." Imagine CNN is interviewing you about the most important things you've learned in life. What would you answer? Search inside yourself for the five most important things you know. It's a painful process, but it's crucial to understanding yourself. And one day you'll want to teach wisdom to your children.
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When you learn in order to teach, you gain greater clarity about what's floating through your mind. If something is worth learning, it's worth sharing. Make sure you learn something new every day. If you haven't learne d, you haven't grown. Every night, ask yourself: "How can I teach what I learned today?" Knowing you'll have to teach gives you more power in understanding, analysis, attention and motivation. Use it! Teaching wisdom is the Jewish national mission to be a "light unto the nations." When you learn a concept, unfold it to see its components. If A is true, then B may also be true. Drill! Take a lot of concepts and put them through this process. Anything that we hear is not really valuable unless we make it our own. Every night before going to sleep, do an intellectual house -cleaning. To be alive, you have to be engaged in the process of life.
When it comes to money and power, people are drawn toward wisdom. But when it comes to life lessons, people often don't pay as much attention. Yet if you ask someone -- "Would you rather be wealthy and miserable, or poor and happy?" -- most people will say they'd rather be poor and happy. Why? Because anyway the point of money is to be happy! So why are so many people dedicating their lives to becoming rich, despite split family life, ruined health, moral compromi se and other sacrifices of happiness involved in gaining that wealth? Focus your attention on this contradiction. It comes from the failure to translate an intellectual concept into practical reality. If an idea makes sense and promises you more effectiveness in living -- and you don't implement it -- that's "temporary insanity." It's living on two different levels, disconnected from reality.
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The Sages say that when a person makes a mistake, he is temporarily insane. People wasting time, fighting with their own children, wallowing in depression and misery. That's crazy. Way #47 is ha'lomed al minat la'asot -- literally "learn in order to do." The whole job of living is to put into practice what you know. That's the difference between "philosophy" and "wisdom." You can learn the nicest ideas in the world and pontificate all day long. But if you don't apply them, you're a bit mishooga.
Inching Upwards
Implementing any important idea doesn't happen overnight. You have to build momentum. Small success leads to big success. 218
Make a list of five ideas you'd like to integrate into your life. Each day, focus on one specific idea. Define it and plan how to implement it. You'll be surprised at how systematic your growth can be. One day, one change. Start with easy steps, and work up to harder ones. For example, in the idea of "love your neighbor as yourself," one specific aspect is being friendly toward others. A small, practical step might be to answer the phone in a cheerful voice, as opposed to grunting "hello." A next step might be to do sm all unannounced favors -- like offering to make coffee for a co-worker or roommate. And then it builds from there... Push forward. Ask yourself every night, What did I learn today? Then apply that lesson to one item on your list. Even the smallest effort will get your momentum going. But at least do something with the wisdom you've learned. With every little effort, you inch up.
It Takes Study
Nothing aids the integration of ideas more than penetrating study. The more we understand, the more motivated we are to implement the idea into our lives. With any wisdom, you must clearly define: 1) What have I learned? 2) What does it mean? 3) Why is it important for my life? 4) What are the implications? 5) How do I translate this into practical reality? Applies this model constantly -- whether you're having a conversation, or even as you read this essay. What should you be doing? Articulate to yourself the ideas contained here -- and work through a practical method of integrating them into your life. Remember: The 48 Ways is more than just an intellectual exercise! By asking, What am I doing? How should I do it? And what am I going to do about it?, you avoid many mistakes. As soon as you plug into the reality of thinking, awareness, definitions, and doing what's right, the i nsanity disappears. It evaporates. It's difficult to stop in mid -action and ask yourself "What am I doing?" So you have to drill these steps, practicing them beforehand.
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Avoiding Mistakes
To increase your power for living, be aware of events happening ar ound you, appreciate their significance, and learn from them. As the saying goes: "A fool learns from his mistakes, but a wise person learns from the mistakes of others." For example, consider the idea of marriage in modern society. Every couple who gets married says they're in love. But half the marriages end in divorce. What happened? Investigate the causes, and learn how to minimize the chance of your own divorce. Then make the commitment to make your insights practical. Because if we don't work at how to love, we may very quickly fall out of love. True knowledge is getting the ideas deep into your bones. If you don't put an idea into practice, you don't really "know" it. Transfer that wisdom into day -to-day actions. Concepts like love and happiness are very nice -- so nice that we often fail to see how much hard work they take to achieve!
Do It Today
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because you weren't serious enough about the commitment. If there was a big business deal and you had to wake up at 5 a.m., you would have absolutely gotten up at 5 a.m. Apply this idea to the greate r goals of living. If you don't get started today, you may never do it. Even if you don't have the time now, at least write down your good ideas before they become lost forever. Put them on your calendar. This forces you to periodically review priorities -- and gives you another opportunity to begin taking action. Because the difference between a dream and a goal is a dealine. Another tool is to ask yourself: What would I want to teach others? How would I go about doing it? This is the essential process of living. Articulate it, teach it to others -and then put it into practice yourself.
It's Up To You
Accept responsibility for yourself. As the Sages say: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?" You know that certain things are haunting you. Do you want happiness, the good life, greatness, to become disciplined, to live in reality? It racks your brains. Don't give up. If you truly believe in something, get it done. It is completely up to you. Resolve to be in control of your life. I can do it. I believe in myself. I'm going to get it done. No one can get into your brain and live for you. No one will "make you" great. Nobody can stop you and nobody can help you. That is your sole, independent responsibility. Ultimately, of course, the final arbiter is God. But that's His domain. We have to make our effort. The key to living is deciding to put what you know into practice. Either you are going to muddle through life, or you are going to take control and live according to ideals that make sense. Make that decision right now. For if not now, when?
The whole point of wisdom is to apply it to make life better. Don't put off change for another day. Talk is cheap. Action takes commitment. Don't assume that just because you learned it, you'll use it.
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Making a decision to grow is based on free will, the essential power of a human being. Every concept in Torah is an instruction for living. Learn how to use it. If you undertake a deep commitment to change, it will p ositively impact the rest of your life.
Salespeople gain savvy each time a customer poses a new question -- challenging the salesperson to become smarter each time. Teachers are also in sales, trying to market an idea. Be an educated consumer: When you learn something new, get out the "red marker." Does it make sense? Is it just a good theory, or can it be put into practice, too? Way #48 is ha'mach'kim et rabo -- literally "make your teacher wise." Way #10 talked of the need to pick the right teacher. But that is only the beginning. We need to sharpen our teacher to achieve the maximum learning experience. Don't be afraid to challenge. If your teacher has the truth, he is happy when his students are critical. By questioning and challenging your teacher to articulate his position, you're actually sharpening him. As one of the great Sages said: "I learned a lot from my teachers. I learned even more from my study partners. But I learned the most from my students."
No Parrots
The Talmudic Sages would occasionally make intentional mistakes, inserting an illogical twist to keep the students on their toes. The teacher wanted to see if the students were "thinking," or just "swallowing." A good teacher wants his students to be keenly critical. Who needs a roomful of zombies, parrots and tape recorders? Then the teacher would ask: "Do you understand? Does that make sense?" And woe to the student who actually said "Yes!" Of course, whenever you challenge a teacher or parent, do so with respect. Temper it with expressions like: "Pardon me, I don't understand how you came to that conclusion, but it seems to me incorrect." 222
Give It A Chance
Another aspect of "make your teacher wise" is to regard him as a wise person. In order to learn from a teacher, you have to take his statements seriously. Otherwise it won't work. Accept the fact that he has something to say. He has credentials. Give a fair hearing to his ideas. Never dismiss something your teacher says as "ridiculous." Consider his point of view even if you get the feeling of "this is impossible, it's a mistake, I know better." Don't dismiss it outright. Give him another chance to explain, and then think it through again. But, you say, maybe the teacher is really wrong! If that's the conclusion you come to, then speak up. But only after you analyze. Don't just protest. Figure out why you think he's wrong. What's your evidence? Example: Your teacher gives a definition of "love." Is there something wrong with defining love? Perhaps you don't like the idea of boiling it down to a definition? Or you don't believe it's possible to define an emotion? Go ahead and pose the question: "How can you define emotions?" (The answer is that we don't define emotions, we define what elicits the emotion.) Regardless of whether or not you end up agreeing, the very act of working it through will result in tremendous growth.
you. That's precisely where you have an opening to grow -- and need to pay the most attention. That's the power of schizophrenia within us. We'll call something "ridiculous" -- even as we have a sneaking suspicion that it has the power to transform us in a positive way.
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When one teaches, two learn. To get the full meaning of any idea, you must ask questions. Even if you don't understand an idea, consider its merits carefully. Give the teacher credit that he wouldn't say something ridiculous. Appreciate that you're not perfect. Maybe in this case you're making a mistake. Uncomfortable ideas are our greatest opportunity to grow. Wisdom is deep. It takes time and patience to acquire. In Jewish consciousness, learning lasts a lifetime. The smarter a teacher becomes, the smarter the studen t becomes.
Upon completing the 48 Ways, there is an additional crucial step: Organization. Imagine an office where paper work flows each day. The only way everything will be accessible is with a good filing system. You search for an urgent document...
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Frustration builds as you grasp for information you know is there, but cannot find. It's buried in a pile! So too, the human brain is an extremely sophisticated office into which new information is constantly flowing. You've learned so many important lessons about living -- friendship, spirituality, business, coping with disappointments, patience, handling money, etc. It becomes a mass of unmanageable details. Where will you file it? How will you access that information in the future? That's why the 48 Ways has an extra Way #49 -- Ha'mech'aven et shmu'ato, which means "think over what you've heard." Create a mental filing cabinet. When you hear a new piece of wisdom, automatically place it in the correct file, making it available for future use. Wisdom needs to be accessed and applied, and the more organized you are, the more power you'll have for living.
So too, with wisdom for living. Every day you learn a lot about life, and unless you organize it, the isolated pieces of wisdom will discourage and depress you. It kills your optimism and desire to grow and change. You figure: "I've forgotten other ideas in the past, I'll probably forget this, too." You can't afford to go on like this. In Judaism, a classic system of organization is to memorize all 613 mitzvot. Maimonides' Mishneh Torah, for example, organizes the 613 mitzvot into 83 sections, collated into 14 volumes. What's the value of memorizing this list? This gives you 613 "file folders" in which to place any new piece of wisdom. For example, if you gain an insight into the harmony of nature, you can file it under the mitzvah "to know that God is one." Or if you find a new way to help homeless people, you can file it under the mitzvah of tzedakah, charity. With this method, you'll understand life altogether differently. You'll see the geni us of how one piece connects to another. And that tool will benefit you forever. There are other methods, too. Some people have thousands of flashcards organized alphabetically by topic. When coming across a new piece of information, they write it on a card. Using computer software, this system is easy to implement, and you can even set up a hyperlinked network of personal information. The main thing is to pick a system that works for you -- and build your "wisdom database" around it.
Accessible Wisdom
You are constantly picking up new information, spending time and money to acquire it. If it's worth gathering, it's worth keeping and using. If you paid $50 for something, you'd use it. And isn't wisdom is more valuable than money? Before beginning any imp ortant project, open a new file folder to store information. Whether it's money management or home repairs, be diligent in organizing your info. When you come across a good article, don't just stuff it into a drawer somewhere. For example, if you're starting a family, assemble a litany of handy tools for how to raise children. You want them to be healthy -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But learning on the job may be too late! It's not enough to have a bunch of facts and figures stored neatly aw ay in your office. Equally important is to open a parallel "mental file." Be able to apply the information even without immediate access to the printed material. One key method is to extract the principle behind any idea. This is a lot easier to memorize than a bunch of details. The Sages compare it to carrying around paper 227
money versus a large sack of coins. Once you have the principle, you can apply it to a variety of situations.
Memory Devices
Simple "awareness" of an idea is not enough. To really "own " the idea, you have to know it by heart. Memorization is tremendously powerful. It puts the idea "in your pocket," immediately accessible at your mental fingertips. There are two ways to memorize an idea: 1) repeat it over and over, memorizing by rote, or 2) unravel its logical flow Which is the better method? Number Two. Suppose you want to memorize all the bones in the human body. Using method #1, you'd memorize the name of every bone in alphabetical order. Using method #2, the logical way, you'd start from th e head and move down to the toes. As you go through the body, each bone triggers a hint for the next. The mind likes mnemonic devices. Try to extract the essence of an idea, and record it in a catch-phrase that can be easily memorized. This way, rather tha n struggling to recall it from scratch, you'll be able to rebuild the entire idea from your catch phrase. Here are some effective memory techniques: - Assign a one- or two-word description to each idea. - Take the first letter of each concept, and make a fun acronym out of the letters. - Create an imaginary scene or story, in which the key concepts all appear together. (The more outrageous the scene, the easier it is to recall.) - Put the ideas into a song. The tune will enable you to remember the series o f words. There is a big mental block to memorizing anything, but once you get going, it's fun and easy. To get started, try learning the names of the 48 Ways by heart, and review them as you walk down the street. Write down these "code words" on a small pi ece of paper, and keep it with you at all times. This will give you a constant point of reference.
We have two little gadgets between our shoulders. One is the "remember" button and the other is "forget." Did you ever get a telephone number and say, "Sure, I'll remember it," and one minute later it's slipped out of your mind? It happens. You pressed "forget" instead of "remember." But when the millionaire says, " This is my phone number," and it has 25 digits -- no problem! You pressed "remember" and you pressed it hard! When you hear a valuable piece of wisdom, decide: This is important, I want to remember it, I'm going to keep it. You have that power. Press the button. If you can't process new info on the spot, then at the end of each day, review the main things you learned. For example, if you read a good article, verbalize the main points, and whatever you find valuable -- file it! Furthermore, set aside time for review of what you learned. It's easy to forget things when you're not dealing with them on a daily basis. Reviewing not only helps you remember, but will reveal an interconnectness of ideas that you didn't see when learning things the first time. To avoid "information overload," periodically clean out your mental filing system. A lot of information is needlessly cluttering your mind. Develop a system of review and re-evaluate what you've been carrying around up there. See which issues are valid, and which ones no longer concern you. To discard what you don't need, simply press "delete," just as on a computer. This doesn't just apply to information. If you find yourself involved in some negative activity -- e.g. due to peer pressure -- then make a decision to eliminate that activity. You've got to have a healthy life, a healthy head, and a healthy attitude toward living. Don't let the rotten apples disturb your digestion.
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Now, prioritize these ideas into a set of life plans. You should have a daily plan, weekly plan, monthly plan and yearly plan -- with 5-year goals, 15-year goals, and lifetime goals. What do you want on your tombstone? Asking this question is very powerful. And very painful. Keep your priorities straight. Every human being is willing to die to do the right thing. Could you possibly kill 1,000 innocent children to save your life? You would sooner give up your life than do such a thing. If we are all willing to die for the right thing, then that tells us something deep about our priorities. When you wake up in the morning, remind yo urself: "I want to do the right thing, I want to be a good person." Of course, you may forget about it during the day. But at least you know this is important. And sooner or later you might even do something about it. Ask yourself: What is the right thing? Who is the good person? I really should take a little time to figure out what it is! In Judaism, we stay focused on priorities by reciting the Shema twice each day, and by putting a mezuzah on our doorposts. The Shema -- "Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One" -- reminds us of the greatest pleasure, the quintessential essence of life. Make sure to keep your priorities on the front burner.
Organizing wisdom is the most important step in gaining con trol of your life. When something interesting comes your way, file it in your mind so you can access it when you need it. If you understand what you learn, it will remain yours. If it's superficial, it will disappear. Unless you make a conscious decision to remember, you are likely to forget. If a piece of information is worth gathering, it's worth organizing. What do you want to achieve in five years, 10 years, 50 years? "Out of sight, out of mind." Review your priorities and bring them to the fore. As long as your head is mixed up, you'll feel the pain of chaos up there. Pressing the delete button gives you control over your life. Know the right time to take out the right knowledge. Master the art of "Wisdom Management:" Organize it, control it, direct it. Unless we organize it properly, what good is it? 230
After hearing a good story, joke, or idea, we're anxious to repeat it to others. But in doing so, the tendency is to present it as our own original invention. Ha'omer davar bi'shaim omro literally means "say it in the name of the one who said it." Whenever quoting something, you should always acknowledge the source. In other words, "don't steal credit." The Talmud, the classical book of wisdom, goes to great lengths to trace the intellectual lineage of an idea: "So -and-so said in the name of So-and-so, who said in the name of So-and-so." So next time you're ready to share a juicy one, don't forget to mention: Where did you get it from?
Next, write your parents a letter, thanking them for these gifts. It sounds a bit corny, but it is awesomely powerful. Do you understand what enormous pleasure you'll give them? Plus what pleasure you'll have in giving them that pleasure?!
Warning Signs
Why do people have a hard time acknowledging someone else as the source of an idea? The reality is that people crave independence, and are grappling for status and one upmanship. Debts to others seem to threaten that stature. We don't like to imagine that we weren't smart enough to "figure it out for ourselves." In truth, independence means that you pay your debts. What does this tell us? Whenever you feel the need to take credit for someone else's work, alarm bells should ring. It's a warning sign of insecurity. Because even though it may "make us look good," it's actually a cheap substitute for legitimate self improvement. If you want credit for a good idea, think of one yourself! Beyond this, if others find out about your "theft ," then you've lost credibility in their eyes. And even if no one else finds out, you've damaged your self -respect. These are hard commodities to get back. Give credit where credit is due. People will respect you for it, and you'll feel good about yourself -- even better than if you'd taken the credit!
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The Jewish people are an eminent firm, 3,500 years old. We are no fly -by-night. The world uses our products under different brand names and takes it for granted. Consider what humanity owes to the Jewish people. If you are living with Jewish wisdom, know it, quote it, and give credit.
Make a list of things that you quo te. Know where you got them, and give credit. If you downgrade the source of your wisdom, you downgrade the value of the wisdom. Tools for living are more valuable than any car, stereo, or trip around the world. Acknowledge the debt. 234
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When gratitude to othe rs breaks down, then so does society as a whole. Turn the tables: If it was your idea, wouldn't you want credit?
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