Speed Dating and the Socially Awkward A play by Elizabeth Breed SCENE. A restaurant.

As an audience, we assume there are a number of tables, but we only see one, with two chairs around it. BELVIN and CLINTON enter. Belvin is not your typical nerdy looking type, but he is severely overdressed for the occasion. He looks very uncomfortable. Clinton is dressed more appropriately, dark jeans and a nice button down shirt. He is much more comfortable. They are wearing numbers on nametags on their shirts and both have drinks in their hands. BELVIN. I want to go home. CLINTON. We just got here. BELVIN. Doesnt matter. I want to go home. CLINTON. You dont need to be nervous. BELVIN. Im not nervous. I just want to go home. CLINTON. You wanted to come here. BELVIN. I changed my mind. People can change their minds. CLINTON. You already paid the 25 dollars. BELVIN. I can get a refund. CLINTON. No you cant! And you wanted to come here, remember. Remember what you said? God, Clinton, if I turn thirty before I lose my virginity, I dont know what Im going to do. BELVIN. Jesus, Clinton, not so loud! CLINTON. But is that or is that not what you said? BELVIN. Thats what I said. CLINTON. You never seem to get out of the house, Belvin. You work strange hours and all your coworkers are men. And weve tried blind dates. Weve tried the matchmaker, that was a bust. And since you refuse to let me sign you up for Match.com, this is the only real option left. BELVIN. My palms are sweating CLINTON. Belvin, your birthday is in a month. Now Im sure we can find a nice girl here who you at least you can take on a coffee date.

BELVIN. I dont know what was wrong with Heather. CLINTON. Heather? The gold digging whore? BELVIN. She seemed to really like me. And she let me touch her boobs that one time. CLINTON. Dude, Heather was a whore. BELVIN. Dont say that, she was a very nice girl. CLINTON. No, Belvin, literally she was a whore. I saw her ad in the Penny Saver. And she was only dating you for your money. You have to move past Heather. Were here now; theyre about to start. BELVIN. I want to go home. CLINTON. Yes, you said that. Now sit. (Clinton pushes Belvin in the chair.) Now we talked about this. What are the rules? BELVIN. Dont stare at her breasts. CLINTON. Right. Whats rule number 2? BELVIN. Dont geek about about Star Wars, Supernatural, Sherlock, or Buffy. CLINTON. Or? BELVIN. Pokemon. CLINTON. Thats right. Why is that? BELVIN. Because Im a grown ass man not a 12 year old girl. CLINTON. Right. Whats the last rule? BELVIN. Dont talk too much. CLINTON. And why is that? BELVIN. Because you always want to make the girl feel like shes a princess. By being sincerely interested in her and letting her speak will show that you are interested without coming off as a as a what? CLINTON. A pretentious self-centered dickface. And dont talk about your money. BELVIN. But thats my best feature. CLINTON. Find a new one. BELVIN. God

CLINTON. Look, buddy, I know youre not just doing this to get laid. I know you want a family, a girl to bring home to your mom, I just want you to be happy, but sometimes its hard for you to see past the first impression. Try looking a little bit past it, for me? BELVIN. Theyre five-minute dates. CLINTON. I know. But you can try. (A bell dings.) Ok, its go time. Good luck buddy! BELVIN. You too. (Clinton leaves. Belvin takes a long sip from his drink. After a few moments, JANAE enters. She is a very bubbly personality, to the point of almost being annoying. She nearly skips over to the table and sits down. She has a deep southern accent, and may appear a bit hickish.) JANAE. Hi there! BELVIN. Hello! JANAE. Im Janae. Whats your name, honey? BELVIN. Belvin. JANAE. Melvin? BELVIN. Belvin. JANAE. Alvin? BELVIN. Belvin. JANAE. Calvin? BELVIN. No. Belvin. B-E-L-V-I-N. JANAE. Well thats a weird name. BELVIN. So is Janae. JANAE. Oh! I suppose it is! You are correct-a-mundo! (She giggles wildly. Belvin is taken aback.) My mom mustve been on crack when she named me. BELVIN. That would actually explain a lot. JANAE. Oh! (She giggles wildly again.) Wow, youre real funny. BELVIN. Thank you. JANAE. So uh, Belvin tell me about you self. BELVIN. Oh yeah right. Um well, Im Belvin. Im turning 30 next month, which is actually a big deal for me because Im kind of determined to lose my virginity before that happens. I dated this girl for a while, Heather, who told

me that we could have sex but I would have to buy her a car, or something and she turned out to be a prostitute, so I had to break up with her. My birthday is February 4th. I have a scar on my knee from when I fell off my bike when I was 8. I build miniature cars as a hobby, and keep them on a shelf in my den next to my comic books and graphic novels. I watch a lot of TV, and Star Wars. The original trilogy, not that bullshit prequel trilogy. That stuff sucks. My favorite color is blue, and I havent eaten shrimp since I got food poisoning a year ago. That was a bad weekend because I had to miss the Supernatural convention because of it. And Im allergic to peanuts and feline dander. Oh! And I live with my mom in our mansion in Bel Air. JANAE. Thats a lot of information to process there, handsome. BELVIN. You told me to tell you about myself, so I did. JANAE. I suppose I did. Toosh. BELVIN. What? That wasnt English. JANAE. No. I think its French. BELVIN. That wasnt French either. That was pure gibberish. Did you mean touch? JANAE. Oh I suppose I did. Oopsie. (She giggles.) BELVIN. You giggle a lot. JANAE. I suppose Im just a very happy person. BELVIN. Are you sure youre not crazy? Do you have a little bit of insanity in you? JANAE. Oh, no, course not! I aint crazy. Im very sane. I got that checked out. BELVIN. How did they check for that? JANAE. Well, I had a fever, and a stuffly nose, and chills, and they took my temp. They thought I had insania, so they fed me these fancy purple pills, and I got better, luckily. They were worried because it almost turned into pewmonia. Phew! Im glad they caught that in time, because did you know that you could die from that! Im lucky to be alive. Lucky to be alive. (She giggles.) BELVIN. I think youre talking about influenza. The flu. JANAE. Yes. Right. What did I mean? BELVIN. Insanity? You said insania, which isnt a word. JANAE. Oopsie! I was never good in spelling class. Sorry. So what are you looking for in a girl?

BELVIN. What do I require from a mate, you mean? JANAE. Sure. Kind of a silly way to put it, I think. BELVIN. Oh, well I need a beautiful woman, like yourself, who is fertile. Intelligent, not like yourself, but with no family history of heart disease or obesity. JANAE. No fatties in my family! BELVIN. Excellent. But Janae, that was a touch insensitive, dont you think? JANAE. Oh. Sorry. Well, were as healthy as ever! My great uncle did die of cancer of his balls, but other than that BELVIN. Testicular cancer? JANAE. Yes, but he was related by marriage, not by blood. Plus, theyve made excellent advances in the cancer-stopping field. BELVIN. That they have. (A long uncomfortable silence.) JANAE. Arent you gonna ask me anything about myself? Like my hobbies? BELVIN. I cant imagine they expand farther than pig wrangling and imbibing copious amounts of cheap liquor. JANAE. Oh well of course I love those things too, but I also love mud wrestling and dancing. BELVIN. You dance? JANAE. Yuppers. I love dancing. BELVIN. Ballet or jazz? JANAE. Neither. Pole and bar. Im not a slutty stripper or anything, but get a few Miller Lites in me, and Im up on the bar shaking my little ass. (She giggles.) BELVIN. Thatspleasant. JANAE. Thank you! Hey, youre a nice guy. And you said you were rich? BELV IN. I dont think I said that. JANAE. But you live in a mansion. You must be rich. BELVIN. So? JANAE. So why dont we (A bell rings, signaling the end of the date.) Oh, shit! BELVIN. It was nice meeting you Jane.

JANAE. Janae. BELVIN. Whatever. (Janae frowns at him, grabs her drink, and walks away. Belvin takes another sip of his drink, as ASTRID enters. She is a gorgeously tall woman, wearing a skintight short dress. She is holding a martini in hand. Belvin nearly chokes on his drink. She stands next to the chair.) ASTRID. Arent you going to pull out my chair, big boy? (Belvin scrambles to his feet and pulls out her chair for her. He returns to his chair, and stares at her.) BELVIN. You are so beautiful. ASTRID. Oh yes, honey, I know. BELVIN. Whats your name? ASTRID. Astrid. And you are? BELVIN. Belvin. ASTRID. Thats the stupidest name Ive ever heard. BELVIN. Im sorry. ASTRID. You should be. BELVIN. Well but youre just extremely beautiful. You have excellent genes. And good breeding hips. ASTRID. Thank you, I guess. I dont think Ive ever been told that before. BELVIN. I find that very hard to believe. You must have men come after you in droves. ASTRID. Of course I do. Take a look at me. BELVIN. Ok. (He stares intently at her chest.) ASTRID. Thats not what I meant, big boy. Youre a little nervous, arent you? BELVIN. A little. ASTRID. Thats kind of pathetic. BELVIN. I know. Sorry. ASTRID. I suppose you can tell me a little bit about yourself. BELVIN. What? ASTRID. Tell me something about you.

BELVIN. Youre really interested? ASTRID. No, but Id rather we dont sit here in silence. BELVIN. Im rich. ASTRID. What was that? BELVIN. Im Im rich. Im filthy, filthy rich. I bathe in money. I use 100s to wipe my ass. I have four houses. I use gold chains to floss with. Im rich. ASTRID. Thats impressive. BELVIN. You like that Im rich? ASTRID. If I said yes, you might think less of me. BELVIN. No, no, no thats not true. Because I know that you like the class associated with money, not the spoils. Right? ASTRID. Sure. BELVIN. God, you are so beautiful. ASTRID. Belvin, I know Im beautiful, but youre boring me. Tell me something interesting. Tell me about the last time you had sex. Youve had a lot, havent you? BELVIN. Define a lot. ASTRID. Oh, I dont know. A lot. Do you have any tricks? A lot of sexual partners. A lot of sex to one person can be a lot different than a lot of sex to another person. Ive had quite a bit. I love sex. Sex is amazing, especially when you look this good. BELVIN. Wow. ASTRID. Lets cut to the chase, Belvin. You want to fuck me, dont you? BELVIN. I dont know ASTRID. It would be doing you a great favor. I am way out of your league. BELVIN. I know. ASTRID. But Im going to take pity on you because youre a nice guy. And you have money, but Im going to be honest with you. You having a shit-ton of money only heightens your appeal. Youre a little creepy. Youre a little creepy and a little short. Youre squishy around the edges, and youre not very handsome in the face. Your chin is almost non-existent.

BELVIN. I have a big penis. ASTRID. I bet thats true, but I doubt that youve ever used it. Im sorry, Belvin, I just call it like I see it. But dont worry, Ill still fuck you. Youre cute. BELVIN. You just said I was ugly. ASTRID. Yes but in the cute way. Do you want to know what I would do to you right now? (She whispers in his ear. Belvin pulls away.) BELVIN. Oh my god! ASTRID. Whats the matter? BELVIN. Madam, I believe that two of the sexual acts that you just names are not legal in the lower 48. And the other one well, frankly I dont believe I have the moral ambiguity or the stomach for that. ASTRID. But I thought you wanted me. BELVIN. Yes. But I want you within the law, not contorted, with no barnyard animals, and sanitized. ASTRID. Youre kidding me right now. Youre rejecting me? BELVIN. Yes. Yes I am. ASTRID. God, youre acting like such a virgin right now oh wait youre a virgin arent you? BELVIN. No ASTRID. And youre 30, I take it? BELVIN. Almost. (Astrid breaks out into laughter.) ASTRID. That is the funniest fucking thing Ive ever heard in my life! A 30-year-old virgin! Well, Belvin dear, Ill tell you what give me 1500 dollars, and Ill take your virginity. Not only will I take it, I will whip it around, rub it all over my body, and dance on it. BELVIN. 1500 dollars? ASTRID. You can afford it. BELVIN. Astrid ASTRID. Youre thinking about it, arent you? BELVIN. Would you even be offering this is you didnt know I had money? ASTRID. Of course not. (The bell dings. Neither of them move.) What do you think?

BELVIN. I think you should move on to your next table. ASTRID. Is that really what you want? (MARISTA enters, carrying a drink. She stops when she enters the room. She is a very pretty woman, but she is overweight. She looks a little shy. Astrid looks at her.) HA! Look at that. Well, Belvin, youre going to have some fun. (She strokes his cheek.) Youre making a big mistake. (She leaves. Marista sits down.) MARISTA. Hello. BELVIN. Hi. Im Belvin. MARISTA. Belvin, hi. Im Marista. BELVIN. Melissa? MARISTA. Marista. BELVIN. Marissa? MARISTA. Marista. BELVIN. Callista? MARISTA. Mah BELVIN. Mah MARISTA. Ris BELVIN. Ris MARISTA. Tah. BELVIN. Tah. Oh, Marista. Thats very pretty. MARISTA. It is when people can pronounce it correctly. BELVIN. Youre kind of snarky, arent you? MARISTA. I guess I am a little bit. BELVIN. Good. I like snark. MARISTA. Im full of it. Its why my boobs are so big. BELVIN. What? MARISTA. That was a joke. Sorry. It was inappropriate.

BELVIN. No, it was funny. Because your boobs are big. You have a lot of snark. Big boobs, big snark. Even though a persons humor cannot be stored in a muscle and fat of a womans chest, but the illusion is quite hilarious. Good work! MARISTA. You realize that you just talked that joke to death, right? BELVIN. Yes. Im sorry. MARISTA. So what kind of name is Belvin? BELVIN. I was named after both of my grandfathers. My parents, they couldnt decide which of their fathers to name me after. Mothers dad was Bernard, and fathers was Calvin. MARISTA. So they settled on Belvin. BELVIN. Yup. But (He pauses.) Why dont you tell me about yourself? MARISTA. Oh! Well I work in a pet store. BELVIN. I dont like animals. MARISTA. You dont? BELVIN. Only if theyre not fluffy, feathery, or scaly. MARISTA. Whats left? BELVIN. Pigs. But only clean baby pigs. Piglets. I like piglets. Oh and my mother had this cat named Mrs. Eldora Wiskerkins, and she was one of those Egyptian hairless cats. She was ok. Not very cuddly. MARISTA. Well, you should meet my puppy. BELVIN. If thats some sort of euphemism, Ive never heard of it. MARISTA. No, hes a beagle puppy. His names Luke Angel Winchester Brenner. My last names Brenner. BELVIN. What? MARISTA. From three of my favorite shows. Star Wars, Buffy, and Supernatural. BELVIN. Youre kidding me. MARISTA. No. BELVIN. Those are three of my favorite shows too! MARISTA. Really? Thats cool. So tell me about yourself.

BELVIN. Well actually, Id like to more about you. MARISTA. Really? BELVIN. Really. MARISTA. Well I graduated from college with a music degree. I want to teach someday, but Im working at the Pet store to go through my certification. I love pizza and chicken fingers, but I also love a good Mexican dish. BELVIN. I love Mexican. MARISTA. Good. Theres a great little place in Hollywood we should go to sometime. Its all small dish Mexican. Its great. BELVIN. Id like that, I think. MARISTA. Youre really nice. BELVIN. Yeah. (He sighs, oblivious to the flirting.) MARISTA. And youre kind of cute. BELVIN. Thank you. MARISTA. Why wont you tell me more about yourself? BELVIN. Marista? MARISTA. Yes? BELVIN. Im sorry, I dont think this is working out. MARISTA. What seems to be the problem? BELVIN. I just dont think we have a connection. Youre very nice, but why kid ourselves. Im really looking for something that frankly isnt you. (Belvin looks away, to where Astrid has left.) MARISTA. Look I know Im not as pretty as that girl that just left, but we only have five minutes, and Id like to get to know you. Tell me about yourself, please. BELVIN. Why? So you can figure out how much money I have? MARISTA. What? No! BELVIN. Or so you can play with my emotions like she did? MARISTA. Belvin BELVIN. Or maybe you want to act like a complete idiot.

MARISTA. What? BELVIN. Jesus, you are all the same. At least with the other girls they were thin MARISTA. Excuse me? BELVIN. Oh well, youre not. MARISTA. I know Im not. BELVIN. Look, you seem to be a really sweet girl, but I just cant see myself with you. MARISTA. Were only like two minutes into the date. BELVIN. I know pretty fast. And I think I made a mistake with the last one. I should go find her. MARISTA. Belvin, our date isnt done. BELVIN. Look, no offence Marista, because Im sure youre very beautiful to a very specific person, but not to me. MARISTA. Why? BELVIN. If you have to ask, then MARISTA. Youre an asshole. BELVIN. What? MARISTA. Youre a complete asshole! BELVIN. What? MARISTA. Are you just trying to get laid with that that slut? BELVIN. Maybe. Why, is that a problem? MARISTA. Why are you even here? BELVIN. What do you mean? MARISTA. Why are you here, at the speed dating? BELVIN. My friend dragged me here. MARISTA. But why are you alone? BELVIN. I dont know. MARISTA. I think I do.

BELVIN. You just met me. MARISTA. Youre the standard. Youre awkward, but not because God made you that way, because youre so afraid to ever let your true self out, that everyone will hate you. You hide behind everything, any money you may have, and youre so afraid to open up, its kind of ridiculous. You dont like me because I dont look like the other girls, when I think we really hit it off. (Something changes in Belvin.) BELVIN. Marista (the bell rings.) MARISTA. Dates over. (Marista leaves. Clinton comes back on.) CLINTON. So howd you do? BELVIN. Horrible. CLINTON. Yeah? BELVIN. They were all horrible. CLINTON. Youre just picky. BELVIN. The last one yelled at me. She yelled at me! A chubby girl yelled at me. CLINTON. Why? BELVIN. I dont know. Huh. CLINTON. So no luck? BELVIN. Sadly, no. CLINTON. Well, there is this girl I know from work, she may be interested in having sex with you. BELVIN. Clinton, I want more than to just have sex with someone. I want something real. CLINTON. Really? Youve never told me that before. BELVIN. Well, Im telling you that now. Im sick of all this bullshit I just want someone wholl love me. I dont even care about losing my virginity now. I have to stop being so fucking stupid (Marista enters.) Hi. MARISTA. Hi. (Clinton gets suddenly very anxious to get anywhere else.) CLINTON. Oh shit! I well, I have to go bye (He leaves.) BELVIN. You yelled at me. MARISTA. I did.

BELVIN. Why? MARISTA. Because you looked like you needed to be yelled at. You need to lose your virginity. BELVIN. Yeah. MARISTA. And thats why youre here. BELVIN. Yeah, basically MARISTA. I dont know if I can help you with that. BELVIN. Ok. MARISTA. Not now at least. But if you can learn to look past my flaws, Ill get past yours. Deal. BELVIN. Deal. MARISTA. Good. (She goes at sits down at the table.) So, tell me again why you like piglets so much (Belvin smiles, and sits at the table, as the lights dim.) END OF PLAY