SOMETHING TO WIN, SOMETHING TO LOSE By: Alejandro Snchez

- Thats life itself! Some people are hungry; some people suffer from incurable illnesses; some people have trouble; some people die. Theres no way I can help it. These were the last words I said to my mother, and my blatant argument to avoid going to my fathers funeral. I had been always a cold person, for me the feelings meant nothing but a weakness that can be used by the others to manipulate you. Perhaps because thats what I did during my entire life: manipulate people to get what I wanted; look for some benefit from the others primary feelings. I never got married and never had kids; therefore I had fewer things to worry about. That was the secret of my successful life, and I was happy living this way, though I always wondered about why the people did almost anything because of love. Because of that I always felt better than the others, and I thought my life will get better and better. But unlike I thought, my destiny was not my choice.

Its relevant to say that I was a prestigious journalist in the United States, and that I covered some of the most important stories of my time: from the 9/11 to the demolition of the Apartheid Wall in Israel. I did it pretty fine, so fine what I was planning to quit my job and move to a quiet place, away from the ignorance and the primary instincts of the mankind. For my last assignment, I had to travel to Bangladesh, where the military forces agreed a ceasefire treaty with the Indian government; there was no better way than hope to end a successful career in public. I didnt cared about peace, I cared about my image, so I was willing to finish my job quickly and go back home, I didnt have time to share with people; I wanted to be alone as soon as possible. I got out of the plane and entered the taxi that was waiting for me, when I was in all I said to the driver was Go as fast as you can and dont say a single word -. We left the airport and I started reading a little book my mother gave me a few months ago. I focused myself so deeply on that book, that I didnt realized that we were passing by a guerrilla outpost until the driver started screaming to me in a language I didnt understand, I felt terrified and asked him to go faster. He steered up and the soldiers started to shoot at the car, he then looked at me by a moment, I remember he tried to communicate with me with his poor English, he said something like they coming, you. You, they want I covered my face with my hands trying to decode what he told me, but a thunderous explosion made me uncover my eyes, and then; when I looked at the window, I noticed that the car that we were in was flying upside down. I was completely shocked, and the only thing I did was bend myself hoping that the fall wouldnt kill us.

When I woke up I realized that I was not in a medical campaign, neither a hospital nor a military van, instead of that, I was in what I had always thought a forest was, but I was alive, so I still had a chance to go home. It

was just until I tried to get up that an unbearable pain made me realize that my left leg was very hurt; probably broken. I didnt cared either, I had to find my way home, so I stood up in one leg and took a look at what was surrounding me. I noticed that all the paths were covered by wire fences, and when I looked at the other side, I saw a man with kind of a military uniform approaching, I thought thats how the army looked there, so I went straight to him to thank him, but when I tried to touch his shoulder, he took his rifle and sent me to the ground with a melee strike, then he took my arm and dragged me across that field to a zone with more people, he left me there and went away. I shrieked requesting him to get me out of there, but what I received was another hit with the back of his rifle.

I couldnt understand what was happening in there, until someone put his hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw a man in a very bad shape, I felt some relief when he talked to me in English Theyre not our friends, dont treat them like that -, I was a little confused because of what he said What place is this? Who was that man? Who are all of you? . The man remained quiet for a while, then he replied The place doesnt matter, were prisoners and they are willing to ask money to our government in order to release us I felt frightened, but at the same time I had for sure that our country would do anything to release someone as important as me, - If thats true, its a matter of time for us to get out of here I stated with some notch of calm. Time is what we dont have, dreamer. If they dont pay the ransom in three days, these men will kill us. If you believe in some god, you better start praying -. At that point I felt totally overwhelmed. Three days? That sounded like a certain death, you cant legally transport a huge amount of money in less than five days.

I was immersed in my preoccupation, and then the man talked to me again: - My name is Edward, and she is Amelia. What is your name, buddy? -. The last thing I wanted to do was to make social life, so I replied quickly My name doesnt matter here. And Im not your buddy -. I looked for a place with some shadow to rest, and when I found it I started to think about what was happening, at some point I felt too tired and fell asleep. This way I spent the entire morning and the afternoon, still not able to believe that these were going to be my last days on earth. At evening, another man with military uniform came to us with some bowls full of food. I was starving so I was willing to accept any food they gave to me. I had to reunite with my partners in order to take the food bowl, but when I took it I didnt went away from them, instead of that I sat down there and apologized with both of them. We ate while we talked about our lives and I noticed that Amelia was really quiet. I asked Edward the reason of that, and he told me that she was Spanish and didnt have big knowledge on English. I knew Spanish, so I could help, I went to her and she got really happy when I talked to her in her language. We had a pleasant conversation, and then we went to sleep.

The next three days passed by so fast, for our shame. But were the most meaningful days on my entire life. Its a pity that you start to enjoy every little bit of your life when you know that everything is going to an end; anyway, I was not going to spend my possible last days sat down and fighting with everyone, no. For the first time, I knew what it was like to have a friend, because in those circumstances you have nothing to give or receive more than true affect and love. Oh, love Even though I had never felt that strange kind of force that impulse people to fight and to give their lives, I started understanding them, I started understanding why the people keep their hope and their dreams. Because in my situation, I had nothing less to do than reencounter myself with my buried soul and heart.

Unlike we had thought, our captors were not going to get rid of all of us at the same time. They were going to give our governments a small extended term, upheld with the murders of one person daily, at least thats what Edward told me (I will never understand how did he knew all those things): the first to be killed was Amelia, since she had been kidnapped a few weeks ago and her government never pronounced, the next day was up to Edward; he was here one week ago and his government never pronounced too, I was the last, and by the time they were going to kill me I would have been here for 6 days, that means my government was given two more days to pronounce and get me out of this place. That day we were unable to say a single word, all of us were submerged in our own minds, thinking about our lives and reflecting about what we did and what we would have liked to do. In the middle of this I felt asleep again.

At the other day, I noticed I was the one who had slept, and I thought that I was taking my situation too slightly. We waited together in a little corner, and eventually two men showed up. I knew the first one, he was who hit me with his rifle, but I had never seen the second guy, who was carrying what I think was a camera. They entered to our prison and took Amelia by one hand, the man with the rifle dragged her to the middle of the ground, and then the man with the camera started to record. All of us: our captor, the guy with the camera, Edward, me, and surprisingly Amelia, who appeared to be calm (More than the rest of us) remained in silence for some long thirty seconds, then the silence was interrupted by a loud gunshot, followed by the screams of Edward, who jumped over the corpse of Amelia while the other two guys left the forecourt. At night I had a long conversation with him, and we talked about the reaction he had when they killed her. He told me that the fell in love with her from the very first time they met each other, even if they didnt spoke the same language, and he never did anything to get her. Ive always thought that you never lose anything in life, since nothing is really yours, but that night I found that you can lose even the things that you do not own physically, but spiritually; things that youre able to fight for in the future, things that you really need.

Edward lost all his hope with the decease of Amelia, but even given that situation, he did one of those things that marked my life. When the two men reached our prison again and dragged him to the center of the ground, like usual. He stood up in the middle of the silence and he started a fight with a man with the rifle, not allowing him to finish his job. While struggling with the man, he said to me I might have lost my hope, lost my love and lost my entire life, but never my honor. If Im going to die, Im going to die fighting! -. I was amazed of seeing how bravely he was fighting, it just doesnt fit with the fragileness he showed when I met him; despite that, it all ended when the guy with the camera took out a knife and stabbed Edward in the back. While bleeding, he looked at me and smiled, he knew that his honor remained intact, and that he did the best he could to avoid the death that waited for him. Another gunshot put an end to that shocking moment.

And finally, here I am, waiting for my murderers while writing these notes. My government never sent a letter, a ransom nor said a single word about that situation. I understood, finally, that Im nobody for them; Im nobody for most of the people who knew me, because I never tried to have importance in their lives. I understood that Im not better than anyone, no one is better than anyone, even if their salary says so. I lived my entire life trying to get a better lifestyle, no matter if I turned the others life into a hell. Thats why I never had someone to care about me, not even my fathers, who walked away disappointed. I never felt love because I spend my life caring about using the others to get what I want, and that only produces hatred. I learned a lot of things in this world, but this that Im realizing now is by far, the most important thing I must have learnt so many years ago. But its not time to regret about anything. I can only say that I learned something today, I won something so important in my life, even if Im about to lose the rest.