Begin Again

By Pauline Joyce Holding hands. Smiles. Laughter. Flirtation. Parents calling you. Worried sick. Love. Attention. What more could I possibly ask in my life? I blurted this out to my boyfriend whom I am helplessly in love and holding hands at this moment. He nodded, made a sound of approval and said nothing more. Id roll my eyes and thought Thats so Daniel. He doesnt mind if I keep on talking which is a good thing because most boys really hate a lot of chatter. My parents love me and they understand me. I also love and respect them greatly. I have a bunch of amazing friends plus, I paused and squeezed his hand. Ive got you. I gently brush my cheek in his arm. He still did not say. Well it is not unusual but usually when I say something like that hed scratched the back of his head and smiled like he is embarrassed or flattered. Dan, Thats my pet name for him and nobody calls him that except his Mom and me. Most people and his friends would use his name, Daniel. Whats wrong? I loftily and gently spoke. He said not a word. Dan? I called again, this time a lot sweeter. He swallowed hard and said. Les, we need to talk. I grinned. Okay, were talking now. Well, I was talking to you and No, somewhere private, he interjected. I staggered back. Last time we had a talk that is somewhere private, I asked for it and I was almost about to break up with him. But he told me to hold on for a little while and that we are going to make the impossible happen. I dont know but somewhere in my heart I feel like something bad is going to happen. Why? I asked, my voice is small like a squeak. We need to talk, he repeated.

I obeyed and followed him inside an empty classroom. Dan, I began but he shushed me up. I can see that this is hard for him. Leslie, all this time you have been great. You helped me achieve a better grade. You transformed me and changed me into someone I have been trying to be all my life. Leslie, thank you. Okay, I said slowly. Then what? Leslie, trust me you are an amazing person. Really, you are the most awesome person I have ever met. You are like sunshine, so happy, so optimistic in life, soso full of energy. Why is he like this? Why is he complimenting me? Why now? Im afraid Im not good enough for you, Daniel murmured so inaudible. Im not good enough for you? I asked, keeping my voice steady. No, he said a little louder. I am not good enough for you. Someone like me for someone like you who shines? Leslie, you deserve to be with someone who is a thousand times better than me. What are you saying, Dan? I asked. Although I know where this is heading to but I want to hear it from him. I want to hear it coming from his mouth. I still want to believe that this is not what I thought it to be. Leslie, Im breaking up with you And there I have it. I was right. Time stopped and all the pain in the world was sent to me. My feet were firmly planted yet my leg turns to jelly. My joints got stuck and I cant move them. I stood there, hurt and frozen. Even my breathing stops. I really want to collapse right now but I cant. I cant move. I cant bend my knees and gave away. Tears did not flow like they ought to be. I clutched my heart to feel the pain, to pull it away but its no use. Im feeling dizzy and Im about to fall. Somebody catch me before I hit the floor. Please somebody help me. Then time went back. Please know that I never meant to hurt you. I love you which is why I want you to be happy in somebodys arm who really and truly deserves you. And then he went out of the room. I stood there for a moment, trying to absorb what had just happen. I tried to engulf the words but they are so painful that they pierce my heart right in the center like a bulls eye. Then what I yearned came true. I collapsed and luckily I had a chair to hold on to before my head hit the floor. I did not dare to stand up instead I knelt there on the floor submerged with tears. Silently, I flooded myself with tears and pain. I clutched my heart deeply as if the pain would go away even for a minute. I curled up like a ball because it really hurts and with the hope that the pain in my chest would flicker away. Now I know why in movies, people curled and held their chest for the pain is unbearable. You can breathe but it is difficult. You cant move for it also hurt and all you want to do is to lie in your bed and wait for the pain to disappear. If it would ever disappear. I closed my eyes, trying to bury the

pain in the deepest part of my mind. However when I shut my eyes all I see is him. All him. He filled my life with his memories, his face and his laughter. As I was slowly degrading myself to misery, my phone rang. Of all the times that my phone would ring why now? Why wait for this depressing and opportune moment? Cant people call me in the afternoon or maybe this evening? I rolled my eyes and I wish I hadnt because tears flowed from my eyes. I brushed my dark hair back which I know is really messy and even wet from my tears. I roughly wiped the tears with the back of my hand and I caught the paleness in my skin. I was a little tan but now my skin looks like the kind of coffee my Dad drank this morning, lots of milk. Dad. How would my parents react if they saw me in this state? Suddenly, this thought seems to hit and realized that my parents approved all sorts of things and people I go with except Daniel. Somehow they never liked Daniel to be my boyfriend. Well, thats love and love got me where I am right now. In the floor, terribly hurt and drenched in tears. My phone rang again. This time it sounded to me like it is shrieking, desperate. I took it out of my pocket and frowned at the text displayed on the screen. An unknown number. By impulse, it turned it down. Based on experience, a call from unknown number implies two things. One, it is simply a prank call and second theres an emergency. Im not expecting for accidents so it would definitely be a prank call. It rang again, I reached it and this time I shivered. It was Dad calling me. I panicked. What would I say? Will he recognize my voice? I cleared my throat and answered, trusting that my voice is quite steady. Hey Dad, I tried to be cheerful. Sorry, I was doing something. Why did you call? Something wrong? I was clearly expecting to hear Dads deep voice and how he will assure me dryly. But I was caught off guard when another voice answered. It was also deep but finer than my fathers voice. It is also serious, gravely serious. He introduced himself as a doctor and it automatically sends me into a state of worry. What happened to him? Suddenly, I have forgotten about the break-up. Is he ill? Did you call Mom? I asked him rapidly. In fact Ive got a dozen of questions at him. He was silent and this aggravated me. I dont need to Mother. She is here. So Mom is there. What seems to be the problem? Mom can handle those things better than I. My dear, the doctor said after I prolonged my silence. Im sorry to say your parents got a car accident and unfortunately they did not survive. Im sorry. Your uncle will be coming here to attend to their bodies and other things. He ended the call. And again, I stood there shocked and unable to move. I was incredibly shocked that my mind goes blank. I tried to recall the doctors word. Car accident. Did not survive. Im sorry. They were on repeat and I dont know what else to say. I shut my eyes and try as much to feel the numbness, the feeling of nothing. In a matter of time, there will be pain and lot more hurt.

They are my parents, losing them will not be as equal as to losing Daniel. They are my life and my world. They meant everything to me. And now, they are gone. I could feel the floor slowly sucking me away. I should fight. I should not let myself be pulled into the darkness, nothingness. And yet I allow it to happen. I woke up and checked my phone. Weird, I thought to myself. Daniel didnt text or called me. Then the tears leaked from my eyes. I remember he dumped me. Stupid. He dumped me. He dumped me. He dumped me. I couldnt believe he would do it. I buried my face in the pillows and felt down. I dont want to get up. I want to stay in bed because I feel down and heavy inside. I need my parents. Yes, they are always beside me. I looked at our family photo on my side table. Weird, I thought again. The picture fell down and I reached to put it beside my lamp. The glass was broken but never mind it. When I looked into my Moms eyes and Dads crooked smile, I felt like theres a huge hole inside of me. Like half of my life was missing and I could never bring it back. And thats when I knew, Im an orphan. My uncle was very kind to help me but he has a family too and they needed him. So he employ an old lady to help me in the house and also so that I wont be lonely. Days at school were a torture. I was always absent minded and I dont understand the weeks lesson. I was really disturbed. My teachers are worried about me and when they make inquiries, I didnt give any because my mind is drifting to faraway places. I didnt do my assignments and I didnt pass my projects. My quizzes are perfect zero and my notebook has been untouched. I walked inside the classroom and went out like a ghost. Id sit in the middle of the food court practically starving but never bother to eat. And most of the time, Id gazed at thin air crying. I have attracted a lot of people and their anxious faces. Theyd all offer their helping hand but I dont need help. I need to bring back my parents and Daniel. Surprisingly, even Daniel offered to help me but I refused. I walked out of the boring discussion in English and went to the balcony where I can get a good glimpse of the parking lot and the sun. Tears fell on the concrete and I just stared at it and sighed. How many tears have I shed? How long should I be this depressed? How long? Hey, you okay? I glanced left and saw a boy with a sweet smile and a pair of inquisitive eyes. I frowned at him. What is the problem? You look sad, he said. Come one, you can tell me. I might help. I glared at him. I dont need your help. I dont anybodys help. Cant you get that? He sighed and said, You know sometimes it helps to deal your problems openly. What would I get from it? Nothing. It cant solve my problem, I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist. Maybe, he shrugged. But at least it relieves the heavy feeling you have inside. After all, you are feeling down right?

I rolled my eyes. Just so you know, Im not leaving here until you tell me whats been bothering you? Again I rolled my eyes. A lot of people came to me and asked me that same question and even offered their help but none of them were as vexing as this boy. You want to know my problem? I sneered. He didnt reply knowing that wasnt a question but a statement of pure annoyance. Ill tell you my problems. I swallowed hard and blurted it out. My boyfriend dumped me, get it? He dumped me. And on that same day, I wiped my tears that were flowing endlessly. my parents died in a car accident. Simply put. I am all alone. It is me against the world. You are not alone. Im here. And besides you just have to move one. Start a new life. Begin again, he advised. Move on? Start a new life? and I almost spat at his word. Begin again? There is nothing out there, okay? I cant begin. This is the end. This is over. My life is over. I dont think so. You are still alive therefore you can still start over again. This is not the end. It is just the start. And what do you suggest I should do, bright boy? I scowled. Smile, he simply said. I laughed. For the first time in months, I laughed. Smile? Do you think if I smile all the problems would go away? Yes, he was serious about it. When you smile, it brings you back into a good mood. Thus you are able to think reasonably and come up with better ideas. Dont you agree? I was deep in thought. For this boy is actually right. All this time I was down and I have forgotten what it feels like to smile, to be happy. And right now, I feel light after I laughed even though my laughter was somewhat mocking but it does felt nice. And so the next day, I left my frown and tears behind and put on a new smile. The boys word echoed in my mind as I walked down the hall way. You just have to move one. Start a new life. Begin again. Well I am starting to begin again. Hey, like your new smile, he said in my ear and broke into laughter. Smile.