Burton and Depp Hurtin' For Depth

As anyone that is even remotely familiar with the expensive and expansive solar system that is Hollywood can attest, Johnny Depp is more than just a movie star. That title may have once befitted him, but through his gravitas he soon outgrew it and continued collecting more clout. He is now officially a movie planet that the other stars must orbit. His resume is a long-standing and steady stream of revenue; and let's face it, he has the face of a Botticelli angel, with eyes like two saucers of ink that darkly peer into the souls of defenseless damsels everywhere. So that much homage is due. Now, with that out of the way, as the imaginary child of Sir Isaac Newton and Olivia Netwon John might say, "Let's. Get. Critical!" The extraterrestrial thespian that is Depp, along with his satellite collaborator Tim Burton (responsible for Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd) have fallen into a pattern that is incestuously reproducing itself. Like literally, Depp has recently been serving as both actor and producer for their films, so their movies are basically being plagiarized by the inventors themselves. Every year, they release a film that looks like it was assembled with the discarded resources from the previous coupling. It appears that the once devilishly clever duo of Tim and Johnny are fresh out of new aesthetics; and are reduced to force-feeding the public hour-and-ahalf scraps of cinematic leftovers deceivingly deemed 're-imaginings'. Now it's gotten to the point where the celluloid that they're creating is just cellulite on their previously taut body of work. Overexposure has pulled back the curtain on their certain movie "magic" and demystified it as mere science. The equation for their lucrative formula goes as follows: Johnny in the role of misunderstood eccentric with tousled hair and puzzled expression + Plot involving one tousled-haired eccentric visually puzzled by being at odds with some situation + Conventional love story x Goth-inspired costumes and a pseudo-campy, Salvador-Dali-on-PCP kind of set design

If you find yourself in a theater this week and begin to notice at least three of these variables (Dark Shadows comes immediately to mind), beware, John and Tim now have your money. You can feel a slight bit pleased however; because the price of your admission is probably going towards recycling. Recycling the same tired-ass plot in 2013 that is. Their total filmography now entails 8 joint efforts, so for the sake of humanity I have watched them all and whittled the compilation down to the top three. 1.Edward Scissorhands This movie kicked off what was to become a long kinship for the two back in 1990, and possesses all of their personal style's finer points. What can be said about this masterpiece? There are two testaments to my life, BVES and AVES. Life After Viewing Edward Scissorhands has been much more endurable. 2.Ed Wood If you haven't yet seen this movie than I suggest staying in for date night over going to see 'Dark Shadows' at the matinee. It's a classic, Burton and Depp do a biopic of the director that they owe their style and influence to. A match made in the underworld! 3.Tie: Corpse Bride/ Sleepy Hollow For coming in at a tie, these movies harbor vast differences. Now I know what you're thinking, hey, why not just extend the list to the top 4, or at least throw the last one in as an honorable mention? Well, because after much belaboring and deliberation on the subject, I could not choose one over the other. One is an adaptation of classic literature, and the other is a claymation fable that you aren't likely to find ever again. They are equally good, and might I add that they make for a delightful double feature. Maybe if the B & D combo ceased mimicking their most recent movies and turned out more fare like the ones listed above, then rabid fans like myself would regain our sense of wonder for the fanciful frills and thrills that bewildered us to begin with.