Nothing By Kyle Maples

INT. APARTMENT - MORNING The apartment is messy, strewn with empty packs of cigarettes, music and motorcycle magazines, and containers of take out food. There is an old, worn couch sitting along the wall of the living room with an equally worn coffee table sitting in front of it. The kitchen, with the exception of trash and debris, is bare. A plain, white refrigerator sitting in the kitchen is the only noticable piece of technology in the apartment. The two inhabitants of the apartment are BOBBY and BOB. Bobby is an average joe; he wears bland, unstylized clothing and there is not anything seemingly interesting about him. Bob wears a black leather jacket over a plain, white t-shirt, torn blue jeans, and old, red Converse All-Stars. His face is unshaven and his hair is unkempt, as if he just woke up. A pair of aviator sunglasses sit in front of him on the coffee table as he plays a guitar. Bobby searches for food in the refrigerator while, in the background, Bob sits on the couch, playing guitar poorly and sings slightly off key. The refrigerator is empty. BOBBY Dammit, empty. (to Bob ) Theres nothing in here. Bob stops playing the guitar and looks slowly at Bobby, as if awakening from a trance. He carries an air of unwarranted self-importance. BOB Theres...what? BOBBY Nothing. Absolutely nothing. BOB Hm...interesting. Bob resumes playing the guitar, loud and obnoxiously. BOBBY (yelling over playing) Do you want to get something? Bob stops playing abruptly. He thinks over Bobbys question. BOB Nah. Bob resumes playing, just as loud and obnoxious as before.

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BOBBY (yelling even louder) Youre fine with nothing? Bob stops playing and slowly puts down the guitar. BOB Yeah. BOBBY (doubtfully) No food whatsoever. Youre good. BOB All good. BOBBY Do you plan on eating your musical talent? Cause I dont think thats the healthiest choice-BOB Music is like caviar to my soul... BOBBY Do you even know what youre... Fuck it, feel free to stay here with your...musical caviar. Im going to the store. BOB You plan on walking there? BOBBY No, not quite. Bobby searches for keys in kitchen drawer. The drawer is empty with the exception of a couple half-finished packs of cigarettes. BOBBY Shit. BOB Looking for these? Bob smirks and dangles the keys tauntingly in the air. BOBBY Give me the keys.

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BOB I thought we established that I was driving the chopper. BOBBY Come on stop being an asshole. Why do you need to drive the...chopper? BOB I want to? I said so? I dont know. Why do I need a reason? BOBBY Okay, Okay fine. You can drive the...chopper. BOB (standing up slowly) Well then. Looks like youve got yourself a chauffeur. Bob puts on his aviators dramatically. BOB Lets hit the dusty trail. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - MORNING Bob rides slowly across the screen on a moped. The moped is decorated with skulls and chains in a pathetic attempt to make it look like a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Meanwhile, Bobby is being dragged pitifully behind in a small cart, which is tied to a makeshift hitch on the back of the moped. Bob is smoking a cigarette and he ashes it off the side of the moped, accidentally hitting Bobby in the face. INT. STORE - DAY Bob and Bobby walk into the gas station convenience store as Bob carelessly tosses his cigarette onto the sidewalk. There light, elevator-style jazz playing from a rickety boom box sitting on the edge of the counter. There is also a small dog tied to a potato chips stand in front of the counter. The heavyset, Hispanic woman behind the counter stares at them. BOBBY (to Bob) So what do you want?

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BOB Im feelin some more cigs. BOBBY But you just got a new-BOB Ay. You can never have enough cigs. (with pseudo-depth) The pleasures in this life are like fleeting fruit. We must grasp them when the opportunity is ripe, for they spoil and dissolve away...so quickly. BOBBY (sarcastically) ...Are you done? You satisfied? Damn man, you should make a book or something-BOB I need you to cover me, man. I forgot my wallet. BOBBY Wait, you drove the moped-BOB Chopper. BOBBY Jesus... You drove the chopper here without your license? You know you cant afford another ticket and I dont think you can redo your last getaway stunt. BOB Dont underestimate the power of my seduction. BOBBY She was a diagnosed nymphomaniac. BOB Irrelevant. BOBBY (to himself) Why would they even keep her on the force...

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BOB Are we doin this thing or what? BOBBY Okay, okay. Lets just get this over with so I can grab some food. How much do you need, like ten bu-BOB You know Spanish, right? BOBBY (very confused) ...I mean a little, but-BOB Okay, What I need you to do, my compadre, is go and woo that nice, little Latina cashier over there. Keep her occupied for me. BOBBY Wait, what? How? I only know how to say... BOB No time to psyche yourself out now man. (pushing Bobby towards cashier) Just be yourself and look for the signal. Bob shows Bobby a complex, muddled series of signals as Bobby walks awkwardly toward the register. Bobby clears his throat. BOBBY Uhh...Hola, senorita... There is a small dog tied to a potato chip stand sitting in front of the counter. Bob crouches down by the dog. BOBBY (O.S.) Como le gustaria... (Subtitles: How would you like..) Bob pats the dog on the head reassuringly. He puts his finger to his mouth in a "be quiet" gesture.

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BOBBY (O.S.) ...ver... (Subtitles: ...to see...) Bob gently unhooks the dog from the leash, carefully checking that the CASHIER is not looking. He picks up the dog. The camera then cuts to show the entire scene. BOBBY ...mis pantalones calientes? (Subtitles: ...my hot pants?) As soon as Bobby finishes his sentence, Bob swiftly throws the dog off screen. BOB (standing up briskly) Senor! Your dog is loose! CASHIER (looking frantically) Pedro? Ay, dios mio! The cashier runs as fast as she can in the direction of the dog, but her weight and short legs produce only a fast waddle. After she is off screen, Bob runs around the counter in surprisingly feminine manner. As he is running, he makes random gestures at Bobby. BOBBY Is that the signal? BOB Yes, yes! Now grab as many as you can! BOBBY I thought you only wanted one! BOB I also didnt think it would actually work! Come on man! BOBBY Shit! They each grab handfuls of cigarette packs. Bobby runs back around the counter as Bob attempts to clumsily climb over it. Just as Bob gets to his feet after falling off the counter, the cashier runs back with dog in hand. She chases them and, in English, yells strings of curses about hot pants. All three run out of the convenience store.

7. CUT TO: EXT. STREET 2 - DAY Bob and Bobby are again on the moped, driving as fast as they can away from the infuriated cashier. As Bob steers the moped, Bobby squats in his cart, wielding a long stick to fend off the pursuing cashier. EXT. PARK - PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON The moped is out of gas and sits in the middle of a busy parking lot. The two men stare at the moped as cars swerve around them, honking their horns. The stick used by Bobby is missing. BOBBY I think we grossly underestimated her endurance. BOB Yeah, its a good thing we lost her before the chopper decided to quit on us. BOBBY Yeah...lost her...You dont think the truck hit her that hard, do you? BOB (after an awkward pause) Nah. I saw her trying to get up before we turned. BOBBY I think that was her rolling from the impact... BOB (another pause) Well. No reason to worry about it now. They continue to stare at the moped, unsure as to what to do with it. BOB Hey, what did you say to her back there anyway? BOBBY Oh, just I pick up line I learned at some parties back in the day.

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BOB ...What were you doing at Spanish parties? BOBBY Dark times man...Dark times... BOB Huh. Bob walks away from the moped and into the park. As he walks, he is stuffs the stolen cigarette packs into his jacket, causing unnatural bulges and bumps. Bobby hesitates at first, but follows. As they are walking towards the park, a car hits their moped and keeps driving. EXT. PARK - PATHS - DAY BOBBY What are you on lately? BOB (matter-of-factly) Nothing man. Why? BOBBY I mean, you dont bother shelling out a couple of bucks for food, but you risk stealing a metric shit ton of cigarettes from some Paraguayan cashier who, by the way, just got laid out by a Silverado. Youve gotta be on something to reach this level of stupidity. BOB Its not stupidity, Bobby. Its clarity. Ive discovered a new way of life, my man. BOBBY Enlighten me. BOB Its nothing. Absolutely nothing. BOBBY Whats nothing? BOB Everything.

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BOBBY Still not getting it. EXT. PARK - BRIDGE - DAY Bob and Bobby are walking over a small bridge, which crosses a narrow stream. Bob bends down and picks up a rock about the size of a baseball. He then removes one of the stolen packs for cigarettes from his jacket and places it ont he railing of the bridge. BOB What if I smashed this pack right now? BOBBY Youd be a dumbass. BOB Why would I be a dumbass? BOBBY Because you just spent so much time stealing the damn thing. BOB Why does that make it bad to smash it? BOBBY Because why would you waste something that you risked so much to get? BOB Cause this "thing" is actually nothing. It doesnt matter how much work I put into getting it. Its insiginificant. You know why it seems significant? BOBBY I dont know. BOB Its because when people come into contact with things, no matter how slight the connection is, they apply themselves to it to give it significance.

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BOBBY Elaborate. BOB Okay. They give these petty objects significance because they are afraid of feeling insignificant themselves. They think that by surrounding themselves with thing that are meaningful that their lives will be meaningful. They dont even notice the illusion theyve created for themselves! BOBBY So your saying that you would have no problem smashing that right now. Without hesitating, Bob winds up and smashes the pack of cigarettes with the rock. BOBBY Called my bluff... BOB See? Everything is nothing. Unimportant. Our actions dont matter because everything surrounding us doesnt matter. BOBBY Psh. You dont acutally believe that... As Bobby finishes his sentence, Bob picks up another rock. He tosses it up and down, testing its weight. BOB Just watch. Youll see. He then pitches it off the bridge, pegging a nerdy kid with glasses in the head. BOBBY Why the hell would you do that?! BOB Why wouldnt I? BOBBY I think you knocked him out! Hes not moving...

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BOB Bobby, concentrate. Your just upset because you think that me hitting that man in the head was "bad". BOBBY That was like a 7th grader! Bob inspects his target again. He shrugs. BOB Eh, itll toughen him up. But youre still missing the main point. The main point is that its not bad because everything involved is insignificant! And who knows? From that welt, he could get some mad sympathy sex tonight. BOBBY Hes twelve years old! BOB Ay, might as well learn early, right? See? I could be doing him a huge favor. Nothing matters. Not even right and wrong. Thats why we shouldnt go piddling around, worrying and wondering about things like "whats the right thing to do", or "whats behind it all." Its all an illusion! The FATHER of the kid arrives on the scene to help his son. He is a buff, barrel chested goliath with a booming voice. He turns to face the two men on the bridge. FATHER Which one of you assholes threw this rock at my son! BOB Ahh fuck off grandpa! FATHER Oh man, you just unleashed the beast! You gonna reget lettin me outta my cage boy! BOB (to Bobby) Let me take care of this guy.

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Bob picks up another rock and throws it as hard as he can at the father. It is dead accurate and hits him straight in the center of the forehead, knocking him out cold. BOBBY Jesus christ... Whatd you say happened to that baseball career again? BOB For some reason, most teams thought that baseball and sexual harassment charges didnt mix well... Anyway, do you think you understand now? BOBBY Yeah, yeah... Its sorta...freeing, in a way. BOB Good, good. Now, lets see how your fast ball measures up. Bob tosses Bobby a rock. They stand on the bridge nonchalantly and begin hittin innocent pedestrians with their stockpile of stones. Distant yells and curses can be heard from the victims. As the camera pans slowly away from them, we see police officers rush in from off screen, brandishing taser guns and batons. Behind them is the hispanic cashier, who is slowly following them in an electric wheelchair. She wears a full body cast and her dog is sitting on her lap. She has the stick wielded by Bobby earlier and is shaking it around in front of her in a futile attempt to hit them. Bob and Bobby spot the approaching policemen and begin running off the opposite side of the bridge. Just before they reach the end of the bridge, the police fire their taser guns, taking down both men. CUT TO BLACK, ROLL CREDITS The camera is shooting from the perspective of Bobby as he wakes up from unconsciousness after being tased. As the shot slowly focuses, all the characters he and Bob have victimized (the cashier with dog, nerdy boy, father, and police officers) are seen standing over him with various weapons. CASHIER Say goodnight, Hot Pants. The cashier swings the stick down towards the screen, knocking out Bobby. The screen cuts to black.

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THE END