Things to Ask the Maid

Michael Ball

 A faint shimmer still shown beneath the doorway. Theyre still here. I could hear them moving. The baritones and rhythmic sounds of their talking thudded against the door. Denying me full clarity of what they were saying. Start and stop. A heightened voice. A lengthy pause. These are the sounds of abnormal conversation. Something big was happening. Maybe it had already happened? I cursed myself for missing the action if it had. Id been in this damned room for too long. But the maid insisted on keeping me shut up in here all day. For awhile it was alright, the sun shone, the mattress was soft and one of the guys who was over brought me a cup of coffee and we chatted about the Cubs game. I slept a lot. I love sleeping. Give me a sun beam and Im out. When I was a kidHa! I sound like an old geezer. Im 33, at least I think I am, you lose track of these things after awhile. Good Lord, I cant take this sitting around much longer. Anyway, when I was a kid, sometimes I would fall asleep right on the hardwood oor of our living room. The sun used to lter in through that ripply pane of glass and Id stare at it as if from underwater until sleep took me away. The suns gone right now, but itll be back. At least its never failed to rise in the morning yet, I have no reason to believe it shouldnt follow suit tomorrow. From below I hear a clack of heels on linoleum. A door squelches open. The company is leaving, nally. Theyve been here all day bustling about. Thats probably why the maid shooed me into this room. Didnt want me in the way orHoly crap! Thats it! Theyre planning a birthday party for me! I had almost forgotten, tomorrows my birthday. Who plans a surprise party when the person is still in the house? I guess itd be more of a surprise that way, but they cant fool me. First thing in the morning theyll shufe in here, the party guests that is, trying to hide smirks from their faces as they corral me out of the room. Im so excited I can barely even comprehend the idea of sleep right now. Its like Christmas! The maid comes into my room and beckons me to the bathroom. She hands me my toothbrush. Its already pasted. Talk about service. I guess thats what I pay her for though. As Im about to slide into bed, she gives me a kiss on the forehead. Heat rushes to my face and intensies where her lips contacted. Its not embarrassment, oh no, its rage. How dare she! Am I a child! What kind of household does she think I run! Im about to bark at her, but shes already slipped out the door and all I catch is a glimpse of her wrist before it bats the lights out. Ill deal with her in the morning. After my party.
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Ive never woken up like they do on those television ads for sleeping pills. Some handsome guy or gorgeous woman contentedly opens their eyes and smiles, no bed head of course. They glance at their window where the sunrise is leaking in through the branches of an old oak tree. The look on their face is happy and as blank as the white pajamas they wear. What a crock. No, I wake up hard. Its like Im a sh someone caught in winter and dragged up and up until I ail through the hole in the ice some fool drilled to go shing on a frozen lake. Opening my eyes a large effort of will power. A hush lingers over the room. The digital clock tells me its time I showered and got ready for the day. Getting out of bed is harder than it should be. My knees crack and my back aches like an old mans. Good God a shower sounds excellent! So good in fact, I dont even wait for the water to warm. I climb over the tub and enjoy the arctic thrill of the rst rush of water. After approximately three seconds I ee to the other side and huddle in desperate fear from the water. Thats enough arctic thrill. The waters just warming up when I slam my elbow against the wall of the shower in surprise. Someone has come into the bathroom! Whos that? I demand. Clark, its me Rose Marie, comes a faint voice over the sound of water. The maid. Well. What is it? I hope to God she doesnt open the curtain. Are you are you alright? Doing okay? Im doing just ne! I reply affronted. Now if you would please I let the sentence hang to nish itself. Yes, of course, just checking. Good Lord that woman has some nerve. I remember the burning kiss from last night. Some nerve indeed. As I scrub myself I try to think if theres anything Ive ever done to lead her on. Nothing comes to mind. Its always been strictly business. Well, at least she keeps clean towels in the bathroom.

Breakfast is slightly awkward at rst. Rose Marie has xed toast and cereal for me. I munch quietly and pretend to read the paper. A little later, the door gets knocked on. The maid answers it and greets the strangers with a hug. They all step inside and look around expectantly. Theres four of them, a man about 35 maybe, two women who appear to be in their mid-30s as well (though I wouldnt vocalize that wager... never guess a womans age), and lastly, a bouncy little boy whos still young enough to be excited about nothing. Three look uncannily like the maid so I reason it must be her family. Perhaps her two kids and her grandson? Shes certainly up there in her years, but is she old enough to have a grandson? I need to nd a way to ask that discreetly. Come to think of it, Ive seen them around here before a few times. Unusual for the maid to have family over, but I suppose its not the most unusual thing shes been up to lately. I look up again from my paper and the man catches my eye. I give him a curt, but polite, nod. Theres a lot of loud happy talk and some hushed conversation, but I ignore it. The maids family is of no concern to me. Gingerly, one of the women sits down near me. Good morning Clark. How are you today? she asks. Her nger traces a crease in the table woodgrain. Fine, ne. Yourself? She knew my name, I just wish I knew hers. Another question for the list Things to Ask the Maid. Clark, its me, Karen. You remember me right? Of course! Karen! I feel a smile lift my face, pleased with my bluff. Sorry, havent seen you in awhile. A frown ickers just long enough to be noticed. I was over here yesterday, you were pretty tired though. Right, right. Yeah, I was hibernating yesterday. The maid strides over to us. Shall we get going? Where are you all off to? I ask. Oh, youre coming too! We planned a picnic for today, Karen says eagerly.

Really? Well Ive just eaten, but I can work up an appetite again, I give a honest smile this time. The car is smooth riding. We all t in it too. Its relatively new. Not as big as some SUVs, but still big enough. Everyone makes mild chatter. They ask me a lot of questions and answer them half-interested. Mostly I just gaze out the window. Its a pretty day. The leaves are on the verge of putting on their autumn coats. As it happens, we go to a shady park near a sliver of water barely big enough to be considered a creek. The not-Karen woman ourishes a blanket and lets it oat gently to the ground. The man and his son (I heard all about what hes been up to in school and sports, so I know for certain hes his son now) are off down by the creek already, pointing at interesting things in the water. I decide to just settle on the blanket and lean back on my hands. After a few breaths, the maid sits next to me. This is nice isnt it, she voices it as more of a fact than a question. It is, I agree. Were you looking forward to today? Im grasping at straws trying to gure out if shes talking about the picnic or something else. In a giddy rush it comes to me. Of course! It only comes once a year, theres a smile in my voice. Her brow furrows slightly as if shes trying to gure out what Im talking about. Ha! Oh come on now! I heard you all yesterday while you made me stay in my room. Its alright, Ill still act surprised. She continues the act for another scene. The surprise birthday party, I whisper, I gured it out. Her face falls. Either thats a really good act, or they didnt plan a party. Uh oh. Oh, it doesnt matter much to me! Im ne doing anything today. Clark, its not your birthday. At rst I feel defensive, but then relief. What a situation! Turns out Im the fool. Oh my goodness, I thought that was today! I suppose youre better than me at keeping things orderly. She plays with the fray of the blanket edge. Clark, theres been a lot of things happening lately. Im a bit nervous for where this conversation is headed. I dont want to break the old girls heart. She avoids my eyes. Boy, am I in deep. Howd this happen without me picking up on it quicker? She takes a breath, You you have Alzheimers Disease.
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She looks at my face now. They diagnosed you ofcially yesterday, but its been coming on for a long time. Im too young to have that, I scoff. Is this some kind of sick joke? I dont see what her punchline is. The guy and his kid are looking our way. He looks so familiar. Ill go join them. Get away from this crazy bat. Its hard for me to get up. When I place my hand on the ground it seems more creased and spotted than usual. My hip pangs sharply. A glint of light from my wedding ring catches my eye. As soon my Rose Marie gets back, were going to talk about ring the maid.