Your Extreme Valentine, 2013

Preface / Introduction
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Table of Contents
1. No valentines today? What did you do to deserve them? Two penguins have some advice for you... and so do I! 2. 'Don't change a hair for me. Not if you care for me'. Your Extreme Valentine, 2012.

Your Extreme Valentine, 2013

No valentines today? What did you do to deserve them? Two penguins have some advice for you... and so do I!
by Dr. Jeffrey Lant Today, February 14, 2011, is Valentine's Day. Millions of people worldwide will participate in this essential rite of love which usually involves men standing in lines for hours at expensive candy shops and florists with overburdened, surly help... then trekking their purchases home, very selfconsciously, with more hope than expectation that She Who Must Be Obeyed will be, for an instant, completely satisfied with him. Millions of people today will get some such token of affection, usually of the hackneyed chocolate or red rose variety. But the sad fact is, millions more will get no affectionate sentiment or token of any kind today... and they will deserve the slight. To deal with this irritating, indeed humiliating situation, of the "what a revolting development this is" variety, I have called upon two love birds of my acquaintance, Penguins Ishaboe and Spheniscus, inhabitants at the New England Aquarium, Boston, Massachusetts. They know a thing or two on the subject of love and affection... and being helpful critters they are happy to share what they know... Ishaboe (male) and Spheniscus (female) are a mating pair of African penguins, a bird so rare that it may well become extinct in the next 15 years. Concerned researchers at institutions worldwide are engaged in a strenuous effort to save the breed while they still can. This means taking an obsessive interest in their amatory habits. What they've learned is instructive... not just for the penguins but for their love-challenged human keepers as well. First of all, they like each other... and they're never afraid to show it, even with hundreds of prying eyes looking at them. Ol' Blue Eyes, crooning Sinatra, the chairman of the board, knew just how exciting Total Focus on your love interest can be: Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright. 'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear. (Release date 1949). Or, if you prefer a more insistent beat, try this punchy line from the Miracles... I'm just a love machine... and I won't work for nobody but YOU! (Released 1975.) These smart penguins practice what they preach. Why just the other day, marooned together on their high-class desert island (scrubbed clean every single day), splashing care-free in the 150,000 gallons of Boston Harbor water, constantly filtered, they literally couldn't take their eyes off each other... and didn't. Even experienced researchers, used to penguin fidelity, found this total attention worthy of note. When was the last time, you gave your love interest your total, unqualified focus? Stumped? Can't remember? That's where your problems begin... and it doesn't matter how old you are, either. Why, in my Harvard Square neighborhood in Cambridge, Massachusetts the students at the World's Greatest University think nothing of holding hands with Love Interest #1, while furiously text messaging Love Interest #2. Thus they always have a back-up when their togetherness shreds, a thing they anticipate, expect, and plan for. And some dare call this love! So, Rule #1 to make this day special... don't just give a card with printed sentiments written for the poetically destitute. Don't merely plunk down a few bucks for a box of Fannie May or Whitman's http://www.LizsWorldprofit.com Copyright Elizabeth English - 2013 5 of 10

Your Extreme Valentine, 2013 quaint Sampler and think it's "good enough". As that wag Sir Percy Blakeney, baronet, said in "The Scarlet Pimpernel" (published 1905) "There is nothing that is quite so bad as that which is good enough." Exactly. You selected your would-be Valentine for a reason. Recall that reason now... Then move out of the dull and dreary to the new, energized, alluring you, the fountainhead of dreams, seductions, shared pleasures. Instead of the unexciting red rose, lay down a trail of rose petals that lead to a pulsating, provocative......... YOU! Or do a Hansel and Gretel number (from the story by the Brothers Grimm published 1812). Lay down one tell-tale chocolate after another, until X marks the spot where your one and only finds.....YOU and nothing but you, exciting, uninhibited, memorable.... If you've let your relationship grow stale, shame on you when just a little such inventiveness is required to revivify and re-ignite. Our penguin pair knows this. When one is away for a moment, they tenderly call a la Jeanette McDonald. Upon returning, they bow to each other, polite, thrilled to be rejoined. To make clear their interest, they preen, they posture, they give food to demonstrate affection... they are assiduous, inventive, playful... and from their unceasing inventiveness comes a helluva good time; they enjoy seeing how they can top their own creative efforts and show the profound affection they so obviously feel for each other. Our penguin pair knows, too, that the secret of this day is the line from "My Funny Valentine" (from the musical "Babes in Arms," Rodgers and Hart, 1937.) Each day is Valentine's Day. Here the penguins excel. Today they will act towards each other, the way they act every day. They will neither note nor care that this is a day dedicated to the arts of love. Should someone say so, they would laugh, wondering why any creature, any place limit to a single day the fond sentiments and delights which are best given every day, in all places. They will then go back to their tried and true ways of love, oblivious to you and me. It is more than sad that such creatures are imperiled, the victims of over fishing and changes in ocean currents which remove the penguins from their foods. Catastrophe looms as their once vast numbers plummet. If these are, indeed, their last days (though human friends are helping), they mean to go out as they have lived these generations past, engrossed in each other, loving as if there was no tomorrow. And so should we all.

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Your Extreme Valentine, 2013

'Don't change a hair for me. Not if you care for me'. Your Extreme Valentine, 2012.
by Dr. Jeffrey Lant Author's program note. Men, it's time for your annual Valentine's Day update and reminder. For, as you will recall, Valentine's Day (along with her dog Pookie's birthday) is the most important event of her year. If you get it right (or as right as any man can get this minefield) you're in like Flynn for another year; your right to nookie safe and secure for another 365 glorious days. But... if you muff this, like you did last year and the year before that, you are in for another prolonged rough patch... and you know very well how rough that will be. To avoid this fate worse than death, extreme measures are required, and these extreme measures must be taken NOW! Men, have I got your full attention? Your Love Doctor is here for you... and OMG, you know you need it. The Facts. As we have discussed in prior years (and many of you have attended this critical training year after year, with, sad to say, spotty results) Valentine's Day is a world-wide conspiracy. It first began as the brainchild of a highly paid consultant who was charged with the task of selling a particularly noxious chocolate with a vile, disgusting taste... That didn't bother the consultant at all; it was the kind of challenge he lived for. Even the fact that the chocolatier couldn't pay him even a token amount up front didn't bother our fearless consultant one iota. He still inked a contract that said he'd receive 25% of the gross on all new business stimulated by his best ideas. In other words, he would (in the best macho consultant tradition) forgo certain (albeit lower) payment in return for a whopping share of the gross... and so long as he could move the obnoxious chocolate that everybody loathed.... he'd be a big winner. Frankly, the folks at the chocolate company (who pretty much loathed their product, too, and banned it from the company candy machine) thought they'd made the perfect deal. After all, they got the consultant to work for them for free... and gave away revenues that didn't exist, would probably never exist. But before claiming a huge write-off and throwing the offending chocs in the garbage, they needed -- so their accountant said -- to gve it the Good Ol' College Try. His name was Valentine... Now our audacious consultant sat down to business, and because he was a very clever fellow, the ideas flowed fast and furious. Thus after just a few days, the consultant was ready to see the CEO and present the all-important concept. As it turned out not only was this meeting important for the chocolate company; it was a crucial turning point in the relations of all men with their women... it thereby launched a movement creating millions of jobs and huge corporate profits worldwide. The consultant's name was Valentinos Kariotes... known as Val... and he is the man who set the high standards for Valentine's Day... Yes, it is because of this single man and his insight that the conjugal rights and ecstasies of millions of hapless guys are put at risk every single friggin' year, to be reaffirmed by shelling out for chocolate, making ever richer the corporate smarty pants who dreamed up this baby. Down to business. Val, a straight talking, no nonsense, "let's stick to business" kind of guy got right to the point. To sell http://www.LizsWorldprofit.com Copyright Elizabeth English - 2013 7 of 10

Your Extreme Valentine, 2013 the chocs everyone acknowledged as disgusting, they'd have to have a bigger idea, something huge, clever, larger than life.... here Val paused.... because he knew that his next words would not only sell chocolates nobody could abide, but get men by the millions to line up in front of the company's packed stores to plunk down big bucks for a product they despised. Before stating what would become his abiding claim to fame, Val paused, looked around the room, the better to get their attention and keep the memory of this supreme moment forever green in his mind. Then he said "To sell chocolates you must get women to tell men that the purchase of these chocolates and the size of the box will be construed by every gal on earth as an indication of how ardently they are desired, loved, and wanted. In short, the target for their advertising campaign would not be the men who would actually buy the chocolates... but the women who would 'motivate' them to do so, in EVERY way at their command. Yes, in EVERY way." Val then unveiled his first ad, a classic soon destined for the Advertising Hall of Fame. It went like this: "The size of the box", it read, "indicates how much he loves you." The image showed two boxes of chocolate. The five-pound box had a big black X through it. The 20-pound box was circled in a bright, bright red heart with exclamation point. Just awesome! Val's incredible idea at last gave women what they have always wanted, for thousands of years: a way to know, to measure, even weigh just how much their menfolk REALLY love them; the proof to be as easy to acquire as the simple purchase of chocolates. "Brilliant" was the least of it. In the lives of each of us, there come but a handful of moments of transcendence, moments of destiny, moments you are surpassingly glad to be alive. Our man Val knew such a moment this day... and as the astonished executives surged around him with their most ardent congratulations, they knew it, too. And immediately increased the box size and weight of their obnoxious product... for they knew at once that Val, their boy, was a genius. And so unanimously voted to create a day named for him -- St. Valentine's Day -- a day worth billions to love capitalists worldwide. It was the least they could do And so Val got filthy rich. Every time a woman got a two-pound box of chocs from her beloved, she knew that the donor was dead meat, a cheap, two-timin' low-life... who had then to go out and at once to get the 20 pound box... thereby passing the loved test... and making Val richer and richer still. Eureka! Of course, other companies watched this phenomenon, this cornucopia of riches with the closest conceivable attention; Val ensured they did, for in due course, he made sweet deals with florists, pastry companies, every diamond purveyor in the land... always with the same awesome results. Which is why you'll live today like a cat on a hot tin roof, spending good money you don't have to appease the little woman who controls your life. Be sure, too, to sing "My Funny Valentine" the right way, the feminist way, with the words about you, not her, for women have always hated this tune and its cock-eyed sentiment. Thus, "my looks are laughable, unphotographable...." because that's what she wants you to say, just after she's looked at the size of the box. http://www.LizsWorldprofit.com Copyright Elizabeth English - 2013 8 of 10

Your Extreme Valentine, 2013 (You'll find the inimitable "My Funny Valentine", released 1940, in any search engine; music by Richard Rodgers, lyrics by Lorenz Hart. I prefer the original version -- and the original words -- by Frank Sinatra.)

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Your Extreme Valentine, 2013

Resource
About The Author Harvard-educated Dr. Jeffrey Lant is CEO of Worldprofit, Inc., where small and home-based businesses learn how to profit online. Dr. Lant is also the author of 18 best-selling business books. Republished with author's permission by Elizabeth English http://LizsWorldprofit.com.

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