The Modern Man A question of digital living.

dampcardigan

16/02/2013 21:47

dampcardigan
The Modern Man A question of digital living.
Posted by Damp Cardigan on May 22, 2012 5 Comments

Hello, Im a modern man. My life is more exciting than yours and I am going to tell you about it. Im fashionably politicised. Im artistically inclined and my taste in music bridges the gap between retro and irony. I like technology that makes things look and sound older. I have many admirers. When something bad happens, I relieve their pain with a well placed quote or song that no one else couldve thought of. When I do something, anything, I tell them so their lives can be as enriched as mine. I am popular. 10:30 am Whats on your mind? Good morning world, big day today. Decisions, decisions Can you see what Ive done here? This is a tried and tested way to start the day. You start with a universal greeting. You couldve used everyone instead of world but the latter implies a wider audience. Its friendly enough but the undertone of mystery guarantees the early morning responses that may help me get out of bed. Replies are my breakfast. 10:36 am 6 friends like youre status. No replies as yet but Ill take the likes as a good start. Ill leave my own comment.

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Comment Me It could all change today, maybe for the better

Note the winky face, the emoticon of cheeky optimism. People like the possibility of good news. It distracts from their shortcomings. The fact of the matter is Im doing absolutely nothing with my day. The biggest decision I will have to make is not only concerned with what breakfast cereal to eat but how many times I will eat said cereal that day. I read online that breakfast is the most important meal of the day so I like to eat it three, maybe four times a day. Anyway, back to more important matters. 10:41 am Comment Gullible 1 Whats going on man? Sounds intriguing. See! It works every time. Now that I know Im not being ignored Ill leave it for a little while so Ive got enough time to eat some cereal and click like on whichever of my friends posts will make me look the coolest. Hopefully there will be an obscure musicians death or Third World crisis for me to quickly look up to offer a seemingly educated opinion. Lets have a look at how my updates doing then. Shit, its been nearly ten minutes. 10:50 am 9 friends like your status Comment Gullible 2 Know how you feel. Let me know how it goes. Ah a fellow micro blogger here. Take a look at what hes done. Bearing in mind that my original update was crammed full of shit this one has cleverly implied that hes more in the know about it than everyone else. For a novice, this could be distracting. However, watch how we converse in a self congratulatory, digital language and I use this attempt at attention diversion to my advantage. 10:51 am Comment Me Ill be sure to let you know. You know how these things are. Could make or break my week! Gullible 2 Sure do. Youll be fine though. These decisions are hard. Just enough time for a swift look on Google.

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Me Decisions are the hinges of destiny Gullible 2 Wow, thats pretty deep man. Me Its an Edwin Markham quote. Gullible 2 Not heard that one before. Me Its one of my personal favourites. I nearly lost my own thread there but the battle was won on the strength and swiftness of my reply. I couldve passed that quote off as my own but caution is needed here as you can always run into someone who is actually educated and believe me, they will call you on it. Now I can enjoy a double dose of validation as I watch the likes clock up on the quote as well as more curious questions about my non existent BIG decision. I wont bore you with all of them (even though I really want to), just a couple of highlights. 11:14 am Comment Gullible 3 You decide the shit out it sir. Were all rooting for you. Amateur, easily ignored. Gullible 4 Is it which lube to go for? On the hole, theyre all quite slippery you big gay lol The piss-taker should be ignored here although its sometimes nice to drop him a courtesy like to remind people that you have not lost your sense of humour. I should leave this thread alone though before it gets out of hand and I trip over my own bullshit. This has been a good start and I could view today as an overall success but Im feeling especially vulnerable today and craving more attention than usual. 12:37 pm Whats on your mind? Really missing a certain someone today. Ah the old faithful. Youve all seen this one a million times. This fucker is guaranteed to bring you all the likes, comments, links to relevant songs and sympathy needed to quench any attention thirst for a good few hours. I can dine out on this one, or variations of it, till at least tea time and then ride other peoples updates till theres no more cereal left in the cupboard. If that fails, Ive got a web cam and an extensive collection of facial expressions and props designed specifically to make the world think that Im deep, quirky, intelligent and edgy. In all honesty Im not missing anyone really. Actual human contact or conversation is rendered redundant next to the immediate and public way I need to be validated. Think of the images it
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conjures up. If I couple this update with an impossibly well timed self portrait Ill be golden for hours. I just the need the correct camera setting (sepia or black and white) and a far away look in my eyes. You might not link the two straight away, but subliminally, its right there. 13:02 pm Comment Gullible 5 Aw you poor thing. Ah well, its her loss. The best way to deal with this is to not reply at all. It adds to the mystery and implies that Im too cut up to talk about it which is indicative of my sensitive online persona. Thinking about it, of course its her loss I invented her. Im losing nothing here although I havent missed how this comment mirrors my own quest for gratification. This is another reason to ignore it. 14:19 pm Whats on their minds? Annoying try-hard 1 Hates it when someone (who wont be named here) just wont listen. Ok we all know whats going on here. It doesnt take a genius to figure out that a domestic is fermenting here and to think that they have the gall to play it out in public. I mean, who does that? 15:45 pm Both threads are still going strong. I love that all my equally unemployed friends can still afford an internet connection. 16:12 pm Whats on their minds? Annoying try-hard 2 Cant wait for Friday!!! Its Tuesday you arse hole! Stop wishing my life away. Once Friday comes Ill have to watch a live update of your night out in pictorial form, clogging up my news feed with your pathetic display and reminding me that Im not cool enough to go out drinking. Ill make my excuses for this hermit like existence under the guise of artistic sacrifice whist navigating this abhorrent behaviour. 16:13 pm Comment Me Cant make it out this weekend. These songs dont write themselves you know lol Im not writing any songs although I have recently posted a photo of myself with a guitar whilst
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The Modern Man A question of digital living. dampcardigan

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pretending not to look at the camera, like someone else took it. Web cameras have timers that give you just enough time to get in character. Results guaranteed. 17:30 pm Around this time of day the computer can be ignored while the regretfully employed take to the internet to lament their laborious lives. 17:53 pm Whats on their minds? Guilt pusher 1 Wow! That was like the worst day ever. The worst day ever, really? Have they spent their day trying to make a life changing decision whilst grieving over the loss of that one great love in preparation for a weekend of musical mastery? No, no they have not. Guilt pusher 2 Great day today. I REALLY love my job. Woo! Pay day soon Oh fuck off with yourself. Seriously cause I REALLY love my dressing gown and its benefit day soon. It can continue like this for most of the evening. There will be a few more classic displays of attention seeking. Im particularly allergic to public displays of affection but even more so when a couple feels a need to tell each other how much they love one another online whilst, probably, sat in the same room as each other (with his and hers matching laptops and sickly smug expressions). I cant give you an example sorry. Its just too difficult. Hello, Im a modern man. My life is an exercise in mediocrity and pointlessness. I dont really do anything. Im writing the biography of my online Avatar every day. The soundtrack of my life is nothing more than borrowed poetry deployed in a vain effort to express something thats not true. My Avatar is everything I want to be and everything that Im not. Im a Youtube theorist with a Wiki-opinion you can read in 140 characters. Im a sad little man whose personal validation comes from the faceless responses to whatever bullshit I decide defines the person I want people to think I am. I am lonely. Phil Watson Filed under Facebook, Funny, Humour, Social Networking Tagged with Avatar, Blogging, Digital Media, Facebook, Funny, Humour, Mark Zuckerberg, Micro Blogging, Myspace, Online, Short Story, social networking, Threads, Twitter, Web Cam, Wikipedia

Comments
5 Responses to The Modern Man A question of digital living.
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The Modern Man A question of digital living. dampcardigan

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1. troy says: May 22, 2012 at 9:00 pm (Edit) Cant wait for Friday!!! Its Tuesday you arse hole! Stop wishing my life away. Its all hilarious and bang on thanks Reply Damp Cardigan says: May 22, 2012 at 9:06 pm (Edit) Thanks so much. Reply 2. bluntcrayon says: June 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm (Edit) Just nominated/gave you a blogging award (yeah, I totally have the power to do that)! http://bluntcrayon.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/pocket-full-of-sunshine/ Reply Damp Cardigan says: June 18, 2012 at 4:30 pm (Edit) I am overwhelmed! Thank you so much. Seriously, this time, the cookies are on me!!!!! Reply bluntcrayon says: June 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm (Edit) My pleasure, good sir! This may be the beginning of your empire!

dampcardigan These, are the facts. Blog at WordPress.com. Theme: Structure by Organic Themes.

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