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the fight-flight syndrome. We all have power. For our

purposes, lets equate power with energy. Physicists
remind us today that the primordial stuff of the
universe is energy. In that way we are all connected.
We all emerged from stardust.

Such a search to understand the basic stuff of
the universe has been going on since early history.
Today physicists talk of energy. We know only too
well from the discovery of atomic and nuclear bombs
how energy equals power. On a personal basis each
of us has power. We can truthfully say that each of us
is powerful, that is, full of power. And this is where
I come to talk about the powers that be. Each of
us is powerful because each of us is energy. The
question is, How is this power or energy lived? or
to put it another way, What is the optimum way to live
ones personal power?
In my Human Journey seminar I talk about
the three aspects, or faces, of interpersonal power
that I believe are evident to some extent, in all our
relationships. Let me draw a line representing a
continuum with each end of the continuum that goes
to infinity (Figure 2 below).
Figure 2: The Power Line
Einstein showed us that if you go in one

direction long enough you will end up meeting the
other direction. This makes eminent sense from a
psychological perspective. Psychologically, Einsteins
insight says that the more extreme I am in one
dimension of life, the more vulnerable and hence,
47
the more identified I am with its opposite. Our psyche

(our total personality) always compensates, that is, if,
in my conscious working life, I present myself as Mr.
Clean, my shadow side will also want its day, and
so this polarized state of affairs starts to constellate
a Dirty Harry side of myself as well. We see this
all the time with well-known public figures in sports,
Hollywood, politics, etc.
Let me explain more of what I mean by the
Power Line. I would say that most of our difficulties
interpersonally come from a fractured or broken
Power Line. The Power Line goes from a midpoint of balance (+ +) to infinity () on either side and
illustrates one `end to infinity, as Einstein pointed out,
meeting the other `end to infinity. Along the Power
Line are two small triangles () on the left and
right sides of the mid-point indicating, of course, the
leeway from the mid-point (x) that seem appropriate
for being off-centre, and still maintaining a balance.
You realize, of course, that this is a self-and-other
perception process. If we keep more or less within the
parameters of the small triangles around mid-point,
we maintain a sense of balance with our personal
power. The sense of balance presents itself to others
and is personally experienced as POWER FOR ...
power for accomplishment, for
self, for others, for enjoyment, etc.
There seems to be an ease here
with power for the person and
shows itself as assertiveness in its
true form. Going to the extreme
right is aggression towards
others; going to the extreme left
is suppression of self. Balanced
power is symbolically illustrated
by the attitudes of I count and I
count you ( ), and Im OK, youre OK (+ +). The
assertive person, in other words, tells the world that
winning is a mutual affair, and in relationships says
and lives, I win because you also win!
To be continued...
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Research shows us that 70% of our

communication is nonverbal (what is called the
psychological level) and 30% is possibly verbal (what
is called the social level). We know from experience
that this 70% is often much higher. In the House of
Parliament one can witness such behaviour every day
and even watch a 100% nonverbal communication
when a member on one side of the house gives the
finger which the late Prime Minister Trudeau said
he didnt do! to a member of the opposition on the
other side of the House. One could even buy T-shirts
at one time in Vancouver, B.C. that had a middle
finger on it! The verbal level of communication
conveys the words, or the content; the nonverbal
level communicates the meaning, or the context of
the conversation. When someone says with teeth
clenched I am not angry! we usually laugh or
think the person very misinformed. I present this
70-30% Dilemma below by way of what I call the
Communication Barometer.
Figure 1: Composition of Our Communication
As illustrated in Figure 1, our total message is

100%, but what comes through consistently is a mix
of 30% (my words) and 70% (the meanings I attach,
consciously or not by the way I pronounce them
or make certain sounds). While it is not fair to be
suspicious of people when they talk, or even to start
reading people, I think it is legitimate to be aware
49
of the communication mix. Real listening demands

that we zero in on our the 70% (or higher) level of the
communication. That means listening with the heart as
well as with the mind. This kind of listening demands
time, patience, and interpersonal involvement. Years
ago when I completed a weekend communications
workshop, one participant turned to her spouse and
jokingly, I hope! said, Now that weve learned to
communicate, shut up!
To get a handle on this 70% or nonverbal level
of our communication, researchers point out that there
are three things we always communicate nonverbally:
1. Interest (in the other person or topic)
2. Dominance-Submissiveness (whos in
charge?), and
3. Like-Dislike (do I like you or not?)
These three features of our nonverbal
communication point out to another person quite a lot
about our communication and how we do it in short,
a lot of psychological information about who we are.
Keep in mind the axiom: we cannot not communicate.
Thus, the 70-30% Dilemma tells me that I must
examine the way I talk, my intentions with the words I
use, the gestures I make, the facial expressions and the
bodily movements I use. This is tough work. We look
for consistency, being congruent or noticing the lack
of dissonance within ourselves. When we find through
feedback from others that we were not understood or
were ignored or argued with, it is important to sort out
where the crux of the matter is: in my way of saying
what was said (the 70%) or the topic itself (the 30%).
It could be that what one has to say is of no interest to
the other person. Such is life! Humility will remind us
that we are not always scintillating!
The Powers That Be
Before meeting the Power family (Part II), now
that we have some understanding of the communication
levels (70-30% Dilemma), lets take a look at what I
have called the the powers that be. These powers
come with us genetically through a long evolutionary
path. You may have learned these from your study of
47
The Relationship Matrix:

Understanding the Power Line
Dr. Michael Rock
Licensed Emotional Intelligence Facilitator
Professor (ret.) Ethics and Leadership
E-mail: worthplace@gmail.com
Pe
rhaps the most recurring topic today or

even, of all time - is that of power. Often
power is present when we least expect it.
Often power is present when we are totally unaware of
its presence. But power will be present, no doubt about
that. Some say that power is its own seduction like
an aphrodisiac. Many claim that before they knew it,
they were under its spell. Power. It calls us to attention
Power. It involves each and every one of us. Often, we
say we cant live with it; often, we say we cant live
without it. It is a siren call for many, a life of brutality
for some, a symbol of oppression for others, a door for
transformation for yet others; a chance to get even, a
chance to experience collegiality. Many ways to view
power and many ways to live power. Many choices.
But the one choice not possible avoiding power.
Two stories from a number of years ago, each
involved 747 passenger jet airliners. As the first one
left Orly airport in France and was in the air, a young
woman began having labour pains and actually giving
birth! The captain realized that he was not too far
away from the airport and so turned the plane around
and landed so the woman could be attended to from
medical personnel. The second case was again a 747
airliner at a different time that had just left Gatwick
in England. As the plane was gaining altitude, once
again a young man began to give birth. In this case
47
the captain of the aircraft turned the plane around and

landed safely so that once more medical personnel
could take over. What always struck me as amazing
when I read these two different stories over 20 years
ago was the enormous power of an about-to-be-born
baby! No words, just the awareness of a new presence
entering our world. I use to tell people at workshops
and conferences, Lets suppose you were on either
of these aircraft. No baby about to be born. But you
wanted to go back to the airport for some reason or
other. Do you think the captain would acquiesce to
your wishes? The answer was always unanimous in
the negative, of course!
So, what is about power? Most would say
that context is everything, that is, what may be an
experience of power by one person is not by another.
And heres where a very interesting conundrum
manifests itself. Whatever can be said about power
one thing is commonly agreed to: power is a persuasive
factor in our lives. Power persuades. Absolute power,
supposedly, persuades absolutely, to play on the words
by Lord Acton from 1887. But what kind of power
are we talking about? In this essay (Part I) and in the
next (Part II) we will be discussing personal power
in our relationships. Lets see if we can break down
some of the different aspects so we can get a better
understanding.
The 70-30% Dilemma
Were not what we seem to be. Period. Perhaps
youve had the experience of meeting someone for the
first time, not liking the person, but after a few more
encounters, seeing a different side of the person, a side
that is attractive to you. Theres an old saying, You
cant judge a book by its cover. Each of us wants to
be congruent with ourselves. When we are can grow
and there is a harmony between our inner choices and
our external behavior. When that truly happens the
outcome is always a good, something that contributes
to the welfare of the person and often to the welfare
of those around the person. As John Donne remarked:
none of us is an island unto ourselves; were always
linked to the greater sense of community around us.
50
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Join Our Team:

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For Men & Women

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Location#2: Chateau Larier Hotel - 1 Rideau Street

Location#2: Chateau Larier Hotel - 1 Rideau Street

ARYA FOOD MARKET

Tel: (613) 594.3636 Fax: (613) 594.8377

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508 Gladstone Ave. Suite 205

508 Gladstone Ave. Suite 205

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The Relationship Matrix

the fight-flight syndrome. We all have power. For our

Figure 2: The Power Line

Einstein showed us that if you go in one

the more identified I am with its opposite. Our psyche

The Relationship Matrix

Research shows us that 70% of our

Figure 1: Composition of Our Communication

As illustrated in Figure 1, our total message is

of the communication mix. Real listening demands

The Relationship Matrix

The Relationship Matrix:

rhaps the most recurring topic today or

the captain of the aircraft turned the plane around and

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