1

(The stage is divided in half, SR and SL. SR is set as a small OFFICE. There is a DESK and
CHAIR set in the middle of the office, a FILE CABINET against the wall upstage. On the desk
sits a COMPUTER, as well as a wild array of PAPERS and PENS, scattered about, as well as a
DESK PHONE. A SIGN on the wall indicates that this is not a home office, reading “TV Co.”
There is a logo on the sign, as well. The entry is to the SL side of the file cabinet. The SL half of
the set is set as a small APARTMENT. USL is a SOFA, and CSL is a TELEVISION, facing
upstage. There is a COFFEE TABLE immediately in front of the sofa, on which sits a TV
REMOTE and a TELEPHONE. There is also a BOTTLE OF WATER on the table, as well as a
scattered amount PAPERS and a PHONEBOOK. The lights rise only on SL, as JACK, a portly
man who is clearly coming home from work, enters through a door along the SL wall.
As HE removes his JACKET, he crosses upstage to the SOFA. He tosses the jacket onto
the far right side of the sofa, then reaches for the TV REMOTE. He aims the remote at the
television, and clearly presses the power button. The sound of STATIC fills the room, followed by
a sharp POP. The static ceases immediately. JACK presses the power again, and the STATIC
resumes. Befuddled, Jack presses more buttons on the remote, in a desperate attempt to change
channels. The television has clearly malfunctioned.)

Jack

(glancing at his WATCH, exclaiming) Ah! It’s going to start in fifteen minutes! (JACK grabs the
TELEPHONE from the sofa, and flips through the PHONEBOOK. Pointing at a number) Here!
(He hastily dials a number into the telephone, setting the remote down on the COFFEE TABLE.)

(RINGING is heard, followed by the CLICK of a receiver. The VOICE of an automated woman is
heard.)

Voice

(Female, with a mechanical sound) Thank you for calling TV Co., your leading local source for
television diagnosis and repair. To allow us to better understand your needs, please listen to the
following instructions, and respond with the appropriate action. We will guide you through all of
the basic troubleshooting steps. If your problem has not been corrected when we have completed,
you will be transferred to a trained professional. Thank you for your patience. Step one: Is the
television properly plugged in to a compatible electrical outlet? Press the “1” key for “yes.” Press
the “2” key for “no.”

Jack

Well, of course! (presses “1”)

Voice

You have indicated that the television set is, in fact, plugged in. Step 2: Does the television turn
on when you press the “Power” button? Press the “1” key for “yes.” Press “2” for “no.”
Jack
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(Slowly growing more impatient) Yes. (Presses the corresponding key.)

Voice

Thank you for your patience. You have indicated that the television is plugged in, and does
respond when the power button is pressed. Please press, on your remote control (JACK grabs
quickly for the REMOTE, knocking PAPERS off the table) the following series of numbers and
commands: (the commands are spoken quickly) “5,” “4,” “7,” “star,” “8,” “pound,” “volume up.”
(JACK is bewildered.) Now, observe the television screen. (The POP sound is repeated, and the
lights in the room flash.) If the procedure was done correctly, the screen should have turned one
of the following colors: Green, orange, yellow, purple, white, or maroon. Did the screen turn one
of the aforementioned colors? Press “1” for “yes,” press “2” for “no. (JACK sighs and, mouthing
the word “No,” presses “2”) Thank you for your patience. Please stay on the line for technician
assistance. A professionally hired technician will be with you shortly. Our technician staff is
highly trained to assist your needs.

(The DESK PHONE in the OFFICE is now heard ringing, and the LIGHTS RISE upon the entry
of ROB. ROB shuffles in and plops down at the desk, a half-empty STARBUCKS BOTTLE in
hand.)

Rob

(Heavily-laden sarcasm) Oh…the joy. (He removes the RECIEVER from the BASE, and speaks
very clearly, with a false Spanish accent.) ‘Ello! Thank you for calling TV Co.! Me llamo is
Roberto, and I’ll be assisting you today. How may I assist you on this día muy lindo?

Jack

On this what?

Rob

¡En este día muy lindo!

Jack

Oh. I’m having trouble with my television.

Rob

¡Ay¡ And can you tell me what the trouble seems to be today, sir?

Jack

Well, I turned the TV on, and it gave me that fuzzy white screen and popped, then shut off.
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Rob

Si, si. Your problem is very simple.

Jack

It is?

Rob

Of course! Have you tried plugging in the television?

Jack

(Rolling his eyes at the repeated question) Yes, it’s definitely plugged in, I had power a minute
ago.

Rob

So you said. So el televisor does have power running to it. Could you turn the television on for
me, sir?

Jack

Sure. (JACK grabs the REMOTE and presses the “Power” button. The sound of STATIC fills the
air again.)

Rob

And what do you see on the monitor, Señor?

Jack

Fuzzy white static.

Rob

Please wait uno momentito while we attempt to give your television a proper “dignusos.”

Jack

A what?

Rob

A “diagnopsus.” We are trying to determine what is the matter with your television?
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Jack

Oh, diagnosis!

Rob

(Suddenly French) Oui! That is what I said, monsieur!

(JACK, who is now thoroughly frustrated, begins to pace.)

Jack

(Glancing at his watch. To himelf) Only seven minutes before it starts. (to Rob) Sir, is there
anything I need to be doing right now?

Rob

(Smiles broadly, then snaps to JACK) Oui! You need to exercise some patience, Monsieur!

Jack

Oh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean to be rude.

Rob

(ROB fully ignores JACK’s apology) Appuyez sur les numéros suivants, s'il vous plait.

Jack

(JACK has been growing more and more impatient.) I’m sorry?

Rob

(Still clearly enjoying himself) I said: Appuyez sur les numéros suivants, s'il vous plait.

Jack

I’m sorry, sir, I don’t speak French.

Rob

Oh, pardon me. I requested that you press the following numbers, please. (JACK nods and points
the REMOTE at the TELEVISION set) Please press the “Channel Up” button, followed by the
numbers “5,” “6,” and “2.”
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Jack

(Pressing buttons) 5…6…aaaand 2.

Rob

(Cockney) Thank ya, sir. Now, kindly press the “Pound” key, then tell me what happens.

(The STATIC sound continues. At the change of accent, Jack picks up the water bottle and hurls
it to the floor.)

Jack

(Through gritted teeth) Nothing happened.

Rob

Then according to this ‘ere paper, your television ought t’be working just fine.

Jack

(voice slightly raised) Well, it isn’t!

Rob

Well, it must be, sir. The information I ‘ave here is the result of many years of research.

Jack

(His voice continues to crescendo) Your research is flawed! You’re wasting my time, and you’re
not helping me at all. You know what they call that, Señor? Or…whatever you are now? False
advertisement!

Rob

Sir, I think-

Jack

I don’t care what you think! All I wanted to do was come home from work, turn on the TV, and
watch Gilmore Girls! If I miss this episode, I’ll sue your socks off!
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Rob

(Interrupting, maintaining the Cockney accent) Excuse me, sir? Just ‘oo do you think you are? I
know who I am: I’m an Englishman, and I’m bloody proud of it! Now, I have one more solution
for you, sir.

Jack

Fine! I’m listening!

Rob

(Accent from India) Press the Menu key. (As JACK presses the key, the STATIC ceases.) Now
press the star key six times. (JACK’s eyes begin to widen, and a smile begins to form.) Now
press the number of the channel that you want to view.

Jack

(Happily) Fixed! Thank you, very much.

Rob

(Without accent) You’re very welcome, sir. That’ll be sixty-three dollars and seventy five cents.

Jack

(Angrily shouting) What!?

Rob

Yes sir, the bill will be sent to your mailing address. Have a nice evening.

(ROB hangs up the PHONE, laughs, and EXITS SR. JACK hangs up his PHONE, hurls it onto
the SOFA, and drops the REMOTE onto the floor. He unplugs the TELEVISION.)

Jack

(crossing to SOFA) It’s not even worth it. (He grabs his JACKET and exits SL. BLACKOUT)