Hot/Cold

Hot/Cold
a work of the seventh son
Untitled Burr Short 1
INT – SETH’S CAR – NIGHT
Seth is going to be sitting outside of the movie theater in
his car. He’s going to sit and watches “the happy couples”
go inside. The entire scene is only going to be three shots.
Shot #1 is going to be in the backseat of the car with Seth
in the driver’s seat on the left of the frame. The right of
the frame will be empty aside from the headrest; we can make
out people moving in front of the car through the
windshield. Shot #2 is a lowangle CU of Seth’s profile. He
will do two things at different times in this setup. First
he will light a cigarette and second, he will look at his
watch. Shot #3 is a long shot of the movie theater; we can
make out the people that are moving around much easier. I
think that there should be a song playing on the radio,
possibly Stan Getz & Astrid Gilberto’s “Girl from Ipanema”
or Tom Waits “On the Road” or one of The Black Keys’ “You’re
the One,” “Strange Desire” or “Act Nice and Gentle.” Here
is the order for the shots:
a. backseat
b. long shot of couples and a group of friends
c. CU of Seth, he lights the cig
d. long shot
e. backseat
f. long shot
g. CU of Seth, checks watch
h. long shot
i. backseat, starts car and leaves
OPENING CREDITS
It would be nice if the opening song could be the Count
Five’s “Psychotic Reaction” or Howlin’ Wolf’s “I Asked For
Water” or Kris Kristofferson’s “Help Me Make It Through The
Night”
INT – SETH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Seth is in his apartment when he gets a call from Greg. The
apartment is dark; Seth is lying in bed listening to the
radio or a cd (Hopefully Kris Kristopherson’s “Loving Her
Was Easier.” This will present the idea that this and the
opening song are back to back on the cd. It gives some
continuity.) The phone rings.
SETH
Hey.
GREG
What are you doin’?
SETH
Nothing, listening to music,
trying to take a nap.
GREG
Are you three years old? Don’t
take a nap.
SETH
Sometimes my batteries need
recharged.
GREG
You know who says that?
Faggots.
SETH
I guess that makes me a faggot.
GREG
You just called yourself a
faggot.
SETH
Whatever. What do you want?
GREG
Not male cock like you. Are you
going to that party?
SETH
I don’t know. I doubt it. I
really don’t want to leave the
house.
GREG
Dude, you need to.
SETH
I kinda want to, but “Night of
the Iguana” is on TV.
GREG
Rent it later.
SETH
Why can no one understand that
not every movie is on DVD?
There are a lot of good older
films not readily available.
GREG
Are you done?
SETH
Yeah.
GREG
Tape it.
SETH
My VCR is shit.
GREG
Don’t watch so much porn.
SETH
It’s not from that.
GREG
Then stop sticking your penis
is the slot.
SETH
We’ve been through this, it’s
too thick.
GREG
Bullshit, don’t be antisocial.
SETH
I fucking hate people, you know
that. But that isn’t it.
I don’t know when I’ll get
another chance to see it.
GREG
What’s so great about it?
SETH
It has Sue Lyons in it. She was
Lolita. You know, Lolita?
GREG
I have no idea what you’re
talking about. Just come on,
just come.
SETH
Why?
GREG
You’ll get drunk.
SETH
Yeah, but then I’ll have to
walk home.
GREG
There’s gonna be a lot of girls
there. Dirty, dirty girls that
like to fuck unattractive guys
like you. Or, you could meet a
nice girl.
SETH
My problem is with what you
consider a “nice girl.”
GREG
For you, a nice girl is one
that lets you cum on her back
and then she’ll make you a
sandwich.
SETH
Those are hard to find. They
don’t make then like mom
anymore.
GREG
Your mom is as loose as the
change in my couch.
SETH
If that weren’t true, I might
get upset. Dammit. I’ll have to
get dressed.
GREG
Heaven forbid that you put
clothes on your big fat ass.
SETH
What time does it start?
GREG
I don’t know, nine?
SETH
I’ll try to make it there.
GREG
Any chance you could pick me
up?
SETH
That’s what this was all about,
wasn’t it? You couldn’t give
two shits about me getting out.
GREG
Kinda… yeah.
SETH
You’re a piece of shit.
GREG
So, are you gonna pick me up or
not?
SETH
A quarter ‘til.
GREG
Don’t worry man, this will be
cool. Is it okay if I bring a
couple of people?
SETH
I guess. But you can’t bring
that one kid. I fucking hate
that kid.
GREG
I won’t. All right, see you at
a quarter ‘til nine.
SETH
Later.
JUMP CUT TO
INT – SETH’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
Seth is in his bathroom and he is beginning to shave. He
already has a lot of shaving cream on his face. He looks
directly into the mirror, the camera is a CU of his
reflection in the mirror. He stops shaving and begins to
sing “My Mammy.”
SETH (SINGING)
Mammy, my, my little mammy. The
sun shines east, the sun shines
west, But I know where the sun
shines best. It’s on my mammy
I’m talking about, nobody
else’s. My little mammy. My
heart strings are tangled
around Alabamy. Mammy, mammy,
I’m a comin’, sorry to make you
wait. Mammy I’m a comin’, oh
God I hope that I’m not late.
Mammy, don’t you me? It’s your
little baby. I’d walk a million
miles for one of your smiles,
My MamMammy.
JUMP CUT TO
INT – GREG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
We’ll start this scene with a shot from the hallway of the
front door, with a CU of the number and the peephole. Seth’s
hand comes into the frame and knocks.
GREG (YELLING OS)
Come in!
The door opens and the shot is going to be a subjective shot
from Seth’s point of view. Once he sits down and Courtney
comes and sits down, the camera doesn’t move until Greg
enters the room/shot.
GREG (OS)
I’ll be ready in a second. Hey
Seth, the guy out there is Ray.

SETH
What a creepy name. Hi Ray.
RAY
It’s only creepy through the
week. That’s the only time
I cruise elementary schools for
chicks.
SETH
What candy do you use?
RAY
You can never go wrong with a
chocolate. But my secret
weapon, (whispering) is Pixie
sticks. It’s kiddy cocaine. The
little girlies can’t resist.
GREG (OS)
And the girl is Courtney.
Courtney enters with a beer in her hand.
SETH
HI, I’m Seth. My kinda girl. A
beer in one hand, a cigarette
in the other. You’ll be dead by
thirty.
COURTNEY
I usually don’t drink.
GREG (OS)
Bullshit. You drink like an
animal that drinks a lot.
SETH
Like a fish?
GREG
Not really because fish live in
water. She doesn’t live in beer.
SETH
Whatever you say.
GREG
You guys have a shitton in
common, Courtney. He likes
those old fucking movies too.
Seth nods
GREG (OS)
He’s a screenwriter, at least
he thinks he is.
SETH
You said that you liked the two
that I gave you. You said that
one of them made you laugh.
GREG (OS)
Yeah
SETH
Coming from you that means a
lot.
RAY (OS)
This got gay in a hurry.
COURTNEY
Have you written anything of
importance.
SETH
They’ve never been made yet. I
plan on going to film school
next year.
COURTNEY
You’ll have to be sure to let
me read them sometime.
SETH
I’ll probably never see you
again. Besides, they aren’t
very good. I’m not Humphrey
Bogart in In A Lonely Place.
COURTNEY
Well you haven’t killed anyone
have you?
SETH
Shit, you know that movie?
COURTNEY
I don’t know why you
underestimate me. I’ve been
around the block before.
GREG (COMING OUT IN
A MIDSHOT)
No shit, in everyone else’s
car.
RAY
That wasn’t very nice.
GREG
You just called me gay! Was
that nice?
RAY
You make a valid point.
JUMP CUT TO
EXT – APT PARKING LOT – NIGHT
The four are going to get out of Seth’s car and walk across
the parking lot to get to Julie’s apartment. The shot is
going to be an overhead shot of them walking from the
balcony. Julie is going to yell at them, at which time the
camera is going to swivel around to have her in a lowangle,
CU in profile. The camera then follows her from the balcony
through the bulk of the party to the front door, where the
four are waiting. This is all one take.
COURTNEY
So how long have you known each
other?
GREG
We went to high school
together. We’ve slept together.
COURTNEY
Sexy.
SETH
It was at a party. And that’s
all we did, we just slept.
Although I really didn’t
because I was afraid that he’d
steal my wallet.
GREG
I’m like a Shanghai prostitute.
SETH
Your blowjobs don’t even
compare.
GREG
Better?
SETH
They tickle the asshole. You
just jacked off and cried.
GREG
A man has needs.
RAY
I hope this isn’t lame.
JULIE (CAMERA
MOVES)
Hey fuckers. Get your asses up
here.
The camera follows Julie through the party, through the
crowd to the door. Now we’ll start a minimontage (although
I hate them, this feels like the right thing to do here)
a. Julie and Ray are playing beer pong
b. Two guys and two girls are playing cards
c. Three guys and one girl are standing in a circle
shotgunning cans of beer (the girl is finished
noticeably sooner than all the guys)
INT – JULIE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Seth, Greg and Courtney are sitting in a triangle in the
living room. Courtney and Seth get deep into conversation
and Greg tries to interject many times to no avail.
SETH
Doesn’t anyone need a drink?
COURTNEY
No
GREG
I’m fine…we really know how to
party; sitting in a living
room, Sober. I should’ve just
gone to visit my Grandma at the
old folk’s home. Seth kinda
smells like my Grandma, but
that’s where the similarities
end.
SETH
Well that’s because…
GREG
Stop! That one was too easy.
SETH
She was.
COURTNEY
So have you always busted each
others balls?
SETH
I don’t know what Greg told
you, but we aren’t
those kinds of friends, the
ones with benefits.
GREG
The only benefit from being
Seth’s friend are crumbs that
this fat fuck leaves behind. I
could live off of your food
fragments.
COURTNEY
That was mean.
SETH
That’s what we do. It’s our
gimmick.
GREG
Well we might have gotten off
to the wrong foot when we met.
SETH
You weren’t even on your feet.
I used to work at a grocery
store when I was in high
school. One night I come home
from work, our parents are out
of town, I walk in and see this
ass banging my little sister in
the kitchen.
COURTNEY
Wait, wait, wait. How little?
GREG
We were in the same grade.
SETH
It wasn’t really something I
wanted to see.
GREG
Bullshit, if she wasn’t your
sister you would lay in bed
with you eyes closed and your
jack rag and rub out a hard one
to her.
SETH
I’ll admit she is attractive.
GREG
She has a perfect body. Even
Courtney could get on board
with that.
SETH
Can we change the subject?
GREG
Oh I was getting to you? Hear
that Courtney? We were getting
to him.
COURTNEY
You sick sisterfucker.
SETH
I never fucked my sister.
GREG
But you’ve thought about it.
SETH
No. lets talk about something
else.
GREG
Courtney, would you have sex
with an attractive woman such
as Seth’s sister?
SETH
Don’t do this.
GREG
Answer.
SETH
A lady wouldn’t answer.
COURTNEY
You just met me, don’t judge
me.
SETH
What’s wrong with being called
a lady?
COURTNEY
It’s boring.
SETH
You just seem like you’re not a
whore.
COURTNEY
Stop before I blush.
GREG
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put
you on the spot. So is it yes
or no? Yay or nay?
COURTNEY
It depends on the situation I
guess. If I could lick Jessica
Alba’s puss I would in a
second, just to say I had.
If I were drunk enough and a
girl, a pretty girl with a
strong fist was near, maybe. Or
if it felt genuine, which I
doubt if it ever would, I
would.
GREG
You’d be surprised at the power
of rum and coke.
SETH
I’ll admit I got a little bit
going on right now.
COURTNEY
Which kind of coke?
GREG
The drink, Kate Moss.
SETH
All right, new subject. So
Courtney, what types of movies
do you like?
GREG
Boring!
COURTNEY
To be honest, I love movies
made between 1939 and 1965.
SETH
The Code years.
COURTNEY
I haven’t been to a movie
theater is like two years.
SETH
Why 1939? he asked, already
knowing the answer.
COURTNEY
Gone With the Wind. That
started what I consider modern
movies.
SETH
But some of the best movies
ever made were in the mid 30s.
If you start in 1939, you miss,
among other things, the RKO
musicals that Astaire and
Rogers did.
COURTNEY
But those aren’t serious
movies.
SETH
Neither is Singin’ in the Rain
but it’s still a great film.
To me, film was great from
almost the beginning. As soon
as Griffith picked up a camera.
He might have been a racist,
but in this case, let him.
COURTNEY
So you’re going to discount
everything that Melies and
Porter did?
SETH
No. They pioneered cinema, they
didn’t really make good films.
GREG
What the fuck are you two
talking about?
SETH
You seem to know a lot about
cinema.
COURTNEY
I love it. Silent films, black
and white, Technicolor.
Sound ruined film.
SETH
Totally.
GREG
I find that smoking makes you
die faster, just like AIDS.
SETH
Simplicity. It was beautiful
because it was all so simple.
Thoreau said it, “Simplicity,
simplicity, simplicity.”
COURTNEY
Lillian Gish’s eyes were so
powerful. She didn’t need to
talk.
GREG
Billy Joel mentioned jacking
off in a song once.
COURTNEY
Sometimes I think of how great
it would be to live back then.
GREG
He also has a song about moving
out.
SETH
I don’t know, things were a lot
simpler back then but
it was a lot harder to do
things about then. We’re
spoiled now, maybe too spoiled.
GREG
Once, I finished jacking off
and I didn’t know that there
was cum on my finger and I
picked my nose.
COURTNEY
But if we were born in that
time, we’d have the discipline
that we’d need.
GREG
I got cum in my nose.
SETH
Yeah but Prohibition would make
me commit suicide.
GREG
I had to trim out all the hair
from that nostril.
JUMP CUT TO
Ray busts in in a drunken state singing “Put the lime in the
coconut.”
RAY (LOWANGLE
SHOT)
Brother bought a coconut; he
bought it for a dime.
She put the lime in the
coconut, she drank ‘em both up
She called the doctor woke him
up. (in a deeper voice) Now let
me get this straight,
You put the lime in the
coconut, you drank ‘em both up
coconut, drink both together,
Put the lime in the coconut,
and you’ll feel better.
Put the lime in the coconut,
drink ‘em both up.
Put the lime in the coconut and
call me in the morning.
I said Doctor, I said Doctor, I
said Doctor, I said Doctor.
JUMP CUT TO
EXT – GREG’S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT
Begin with a regular mid shot of Courtney and Seth standing
at the door, Greg and Ray go inside and shut the door.
Courtney and Seth walk to the car in a steadicam shot.
SETH
He’s almost as annoying as the
actual song.
COURTNEY
I still like that song. It’s as
catchy as hell.
SETH
I remember when I first saw the
Rocky Horror Picture Show,
those songs were stick in my
head for months. Plus Tim Curry
makes a great transsexual.
COURTNEY
Tim Curry, I love Tim Curry,
he’s my favorite Indian food.
SETH
I can’t get enough of Lynn
Swan’s frozen dinners.
COURTNEY
What about Chocolate Chip
Douglass cookies?
SETH
That doesn’t even count; he’s
not a real person. Besides, it
just makes him sound black.
COURTNEY
I guess the comedy pyramid is
over.
SETH
That was the comedic equivalent
to the Hindenberg.
(maybe change to the JFK
assignation)
COURTNEY
You know how to sweet talk a
lady.
SETH
I thought you said you weren’t
a lady?
COURTNEY
I’m a lot of different things
at once.
Standing beside the passenger side door
Seth
You’re beautiful.
Awkward silence and then he opens the door.
JUMP CUT TO
INT – SETH’S CAR – LATE NIGHT
Seth is going to wax on about a dream that he had. This
needs to be one long take. The camera is first positioned to
look across the front seat with Courtney in the foreground
and Seth is back and to the right in the frame. As he talks
the camera slowly moves into a CU. They must be parked under
a light or something because half of Seth’s face is lit up
and the other half in complete darkness. There will be a
little banter to begin with.
SETH
So what do you dream about?
COURTNEY (MORE
RESERVED NOW)
In the future?
SETH
At night, when you’re asleep.
COURTNEY
Different things; I really
can’t remember my dreams too
good.
SETH
I had dream about a week ago.
It was different. I usually
dream about stupid things:
monsters, Janet Reno, or having
sex with a big donut, which I
end up eating. I was in the
living room of a house that I
didn’t recognize. There was a
large picture window but I
couldn’t see anything,
it was nighttime. In front of
the window was a small
television on an even smaller
stand. I don’t remember what
exactly was on the television,
but something wants me to say
it was a Marx Brothers’ film.
There wasn’t any furniture in
the room, just a blanket in the
middle, like I was going
to have a picnic. Then I heard
a woman say “I’ll be there in a
second.” It sounded similar to
my mom’s voice, but a little
higher. I turned around to
face the door, she was already
standing there, but I could
only make out her silhouette.
She came towards me and took my
hand. She smelled like,
you know when you walk out of
your house at like seven
o’clock in the morning on an
early spring day? She smelled
like that. I don’t remember
what she looked like but I
remember what she was wearing.
She had on a black skirt which
dangled right above her knees.
She had on a white shirt, one
of those numbers that have the
straps of the shoulders. She
had red hair that was about
shoulder length and in very
tight curls. She was barefoot.
We laid down side by side
on the blanket, still holding
hands. I remember that we were
watching the television, I was
on my stomach and I started to
get an erection. I was so
happy. I was smiling. Then I
woke up. I felt so calm.
I felt like everything that I
thought was love and happiness
was a lie. For the brief
seconds in my dream, I felt
loved, I was happy; truly happy
for the first time.
They sit in silence for a second. He starts the car and they
leave.
COURTNEY
Why did you tell me that?
SETH
I just needed to say something.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT – COURTNEY’S APARTMENT – DAY (MORNING)
This and the next scene are going to be cross cut together
to form one long scene. Here, Courtney and her roommate Meg
are going to be discussing the previous night. This too is
going to be one long take. The kitchen table is going to be
in the middle foreground of the frame; Meg will be sitting
there with a muffin and coffee. Courtney, walks by her, the
camera follows her while Meg is talking. Courtney pours a
glass of juice and a bowl of cereal. Both are in pajamas.
COURTNEY
So how was last night?
MEG (OS)
It was all right. The guy
wasn’t the greatest in the
world.
COURTNEY
He’s one of the smartest guy’s
I know.
MEG (OS)
Just because you have brain
doesn’t make you a great
person. Hitler was a smart guy.
I wouldn’t want to date him.
COURTNEY
Don’t compare Mel to Hitler.
MEG (OS)
He didn’t bake a Jew casserole,
but he wasn’t Jesus. For
example, the restaurant we went
to had paper table cloths,
the kind they let you write on,
you know? He kept asking me if
I had a pen in my purse until I
finally had to look. I gave it
to him and he just kept drawing
little birds out of the number
two and a dog wearing a
baseball cap out of the number
twentyfive.
COURTNEY
That isn’t reason to call
someone Hitler.
MEG (OS)
He drew swastikas.
COURTNEY
So, everyone draws swastikas.
Remember my book covers in high
school? You would have thought
I was in the Luftwaffa.
MEG (OS)
That’s not the only cause of my
dislike.
COURTNEY (WALKING
TO THE TABLE)
Well what else?
MEG
He had one long nose hair.
Every time he’d exhale it would
shimmy in the breeze. He wore
white pants. I’m not a calendar
and I don’t know when Labor Day
is, but I’m pretty sure it’s
past.
COURTNEY
Well was he a nice guy?
MEG
That’s beside the point, he had
a bald spot. He’s 21; he
shouldn’t have a bald spot.
That and the fact that his
penis was small and smelly.
COURTNEY
What!?!
MEG
I had to give him a blowjob.
COURTNEY
Why?
MEG
Dinner was expensive. Plus he
left a big tip.
COURTNEY
Did you think he was going to
leave you a tip, you whore?
MEG
It was the nice thing to do.
COURTNEY
I don’t think Emily Post
mentions blowjobs in her
etiquette book. The nice thing
to do might be a kiss on the
cheek or a “thanks for dinner.”
MEG
But then he’d think I actually
liked him.
COURTNEY
Sippin’ the “d” says I like
you, to me!!!
MEG
I’ve given a ton of guys’
blowjobs and they didn’t think
twice about it.
COURTNEY
That’s it; I’m not sitting on
the toilet seat anymore.
MEG
You uptight bitch. This isn’t
1950. Anyway, how’d your night
go?
COURTNEY
I didn’t give out blowjobs like
it was trick or treat night.
MEG
Ew, you blow little boys once a
year on Halloween?
COURTNEY
Shut up. It went all right, I
guess. I don’t know.
MEG
Bullshit! You laid awake all
night thinking about it. I know
you. So’d you like the guy?
Does Greg know how to pick ‘em?
Maybe he’ll hook me up.
COURTNEY
Maybe if you blow him…
MEG
Ha ha, cunt.
COURTNEY
No, I really don’t know. The
guy was smart, interesting,
not too terribly bad to look
at. He was very interesting.
He’s a filmmaker.
MEG
Oh god, next time I watch a
porno it’ll have you doin' a
reverse cowboy with a large,
black man while a small Asian
is over in the corner jackin’
up to the point of ejaculation,
then walks over and cums in
your hair.
COURTNEY
You’ve…you’ve thought about
this before.
MEG
I’ve I were a small Asian or
large black man I’d be all up
in that ass.
COURTNEY
Don’t take offense, I’m gonna
start locking my door at night.
Seriously, the shit you’ve
said…
MEG
So paint me a picture of the
night.
COURTNEY
We went to the party, we
talked, he took me home.
MEG
The kid with downs who lives
two streets over would paint a
better picture than that.
COURTNEY
He told me I was beautiful.
MEG
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s good.
That’s a start.
COURTNEY
Then there was awkward silence
and he told me about
a dream he had that gave him a
chubby.
MEG
Okay, that’s something.
COURTNEY
Well that wasn’t what the whole
dream was about, it meant
something I’m sure. I thought
it was pretty sweet;
all and all. Odd…but sweet.
MEG
Did you get his number???
COURTNEY
I probably should have.
MEG
Did you give him your number???
COURTNEY
No. Again, I probably should
have.
INT – DINER – DAY (MORNING)
This will probably be cross cut with the scene before this.
Greg and Seth are in a diner summarizing the previous night.
GREG
So, how’d it go?
SETH
Can I be honest with you?
GREG
Yeah.
SETH
You can’t tell a soul.
GREG
I won’t.
SETH
You swear?
GREG
Do you want me to “pinky swear”
you faggot?
SETH
Okay, we went back to my place
and one thing lead to another…
GREG (EAGER)
Yeah, yeah!
SETH
I raped her.
GREG
What?
SETH
I raped her. I forcibly jammed
my penis into her vagina.
SETH
What the fuck?
SETH
Then I panicked, I lost my shit
and I killed her.
GREG
What?
SETH
Then I raped her again. I
forcibly jammed my penis into
her cold, dead mouth, butt
fucked her, then rubbed her
hand against my johnson until I
came on her stomach.
GREG
So you just took her straight
back to her place and went home
to fantasize about Ginger
Rogers?
SETH
Pretty much.
GREG
Did you hit it off? Did you
talk?
SETH
I think I might have scared her
off.
GREG
(SARCASTICALLY)
Oh really, I didn’t see that
coming. Let me guess, you said
her hair made her look Jewish?
Oh wait, did you tell her how
you thought that you had
nut cancer in the ninth grade
when it turned out you’re just
a caffeine whore? Maybe you
told her about the time you
tried to deep throat a taco and
almost died.
SETH
I told her she was beautiful.
GREG
Okay, less masochistic I guess.
Waitress enters
WAITRESS
What can I get you boys?
GREG
A Denver omelet.
WAITRESS
And for you?
SETH
Eggs Benedict. Wait, is the
sauce any good?
WAITRESS
I guess.
SETH
All right, Eggs Benedict.
Waitress exits
GREG
You could so fuck her.
SETH
The waitress?
GREG
Courtney
SETH
Mind your own cock.
GREG
It has a mind of its own.
SETH
That was a lame fucking joke.
You fucking hack.
GREG
We aren’t all blessed with your
comedic timing. I think I
should shave my beard.
SETH
Why?
GREG
I haven’t gotten laid since
I’ve grown it.
SETH
How much did you get laid
before the beard.
GREG
Never really. But I got an HJ
from that Ashley chick in high
school.
SETH
She was a whore.
GREG
Didn’t she hang out with your
sister? That reminds me, I did
fuck your sister.
SETH
I guess I walked into that one.
GREG
Just like you walked in on me
fucking your sister.
SETH
Let it go.
GREG
Okay, that’s enough for the day…
(quickly) fucked your sister
SETH
I wish I’d fucked your sister.
GREG
I only have brothers.
SETH
How old? That old gag.
GREG
So did you get her number?
SETH
Can’t I get it from you?
GREG
No, you cockhandle. It would
look like stalking.
SETH
Isn’t it like using the
phonebook?
GREG
And you know who uses the
phonebook? Pedophiles and
people with gout. Do you have
gout?
SETH
I don’t even know what gout is.
GREG
Remember, Bobby got it on King
of the Hill when he ate too
much deli food. It must be a
Jew disease.
SETH
Like hooknose.
GREG
The point is, I’m going to have
to arrange a meeting now.
That’s going to be harder that
getting The Wiggles into
the Rock’n’Roll Hall of
Fame.****
SETH
Really? The Rock Hall stinks.
Fucking Tiny Tim could get in.
They’ve already started letting
blacks in.
GREG
In all honesty, if given the
opportunity, I would stick it
in Courtney, so quick.
SETH
She’s a great girl. I think if
I had her number I’d think of
giving her a call.
GREG
I’ll see what I can do.
JUMP CUT TO
EXT – RAINER’S PUB – NIGHT
Greg and Seth are at Rainer’s to meet with Courtney and Meg.
This is where we find out that Courtney is a singer, she
performs “Don’t Blame Me.” The camera is going to follow
Greg and Seth into the bar, they stop to show id and then
walk in. The camera is positioned over Seth’s shoulder the
entire way into the bar and also when they find Meg and
Courtney at a table. The camera here is a third person.
SETH
What are we doing here? I don’t
want to drink tonight.
GREG
Jesus, just because you’re in a
bar doesn’t mean you have to
drink. And I’ve been meaning to
bring this up, I think you
might have a drinking problem.
Me and the guys were going to
have and intervention but you
know me and planning things
out. Remember the prom fiasco?
Why did they elect me class
president?
SETH
I wanna know why they reelected
you.
GREG
Carnies and rubes, carnies and
rubes.
At door, Bouncer checks ids.
INT – RAINER’S PUB NIGHT
SETH
Bars are too loud.
GREG
What a fucking whiney bitch.
Listen, you’ll thank me in a
second.
They approach the table
GREG
Room for two more ladies?
MEG
I don’t see two more ladies.
GREG
See, there was a comma after
the more, which meant I was
addressing you, the ladies.
COURTNEY
More of this lady bullshit? Hi.
SETH
Hi.
MEG
Sit down. (pointing next to
Courtney) Seth, you can sit
there.
SETH
Okay.
GREG
This is Meg, she’s Courtney’s
roommate. I assume you remember
Courtney?
MEG
Never assume. You know what
happens when you assume?
SETH
You make an ass out of you and
me.
MEG
No. Whenever you assume, a
troll comes and punches your
mother in the cunt. Didn’t you
learn that?
SETH
No. (to Greg) So why are here
exactly?
GREG
Who cares, we met some girls.
MEG
We’re here to watch Courtney
perform.
SETH
Perform what?
GREG
An appendectomy.
COURTNEY
I’m a singer. I sing.
SETH
I assumed that what they do.
MEG
Did you hear that? That was
your mom’s cunt because you
keep assuming.
GREG
I hope she’s done having kids.
SETH
(to Courtney) When do you go
on?
COURTNEY
In a minute or two.
SETH
We timed that right.
MEG
What are you gonna sing
tonight?
COURTNEY
I don’t know yet.
SETH
Shouldn’t you?
COURTNEY
Hey, Picasso didn’t always know
what he wanted to paint.
GREG
Yeah, but Picasso was a man.
Men have penises.
MEG
Really?
GREG
You should know, Court, there
is always one in your mouth.
MEG
(to Courtney) You told him.
COURTNEY
What else were we gonna talk
about?
MEG
You could talk about how the
blues is the basis for pretty
much every genre of music since
the beginning of the 1900’s.
GREG
Who white is going to talk
about that?
COURTNEY
Well, I guess it’s my time.
SETH
Good luck.
COURTNEY
Thanks.
The camera is behind the table, we see Courtney walking
towards the stage, away from the camera and then cut to a
shot of Courtney walking towards toward the stage, and the
camera is behind the stage. I know this is going to sound
hack but then go to a wide, long shot of her on stage, she’s
in the middle of the frame. The lighting is very darks with
just a spotlight on her. As she sings, the camera slowly
moves in towards her. Cross cut that with Seth watching her.
COURTNEY
(talking) Bare with me guys,
it’s gonna be rough
(singing now)
Don't blame me for falling in love with you.
Blame all your charms that melt in my arms
But don't blame me.
Blame your kiss, as sweet as a kiss could be.

I'm under your spell so how can I help it.
Don't blame me.
I can't help it if that doggone moon above
Makes me need someone like you to love.
Don't blame me.
I can't help it if that doggone moon above
Makes me need someone like you to love.
Don't blame me.
At the end of the song, the camera is positioned in a CU of
her and then it cross cuts to a shot behind her looking out
to the crowd. They clap and she leaves the stage, the camera
behind her follows. When she gets back to the table, the
camera setup goes back to what it was before.
GREG
Wow, that was amazing.
MEG
Yeah, very nice.
COURTNEY
Thanks.
GREG (TO SETH)
Don’t you have any compliments?
SETH
I have a million of ‘em, but
I’m too embarrassed to say
them. (to Courtney, after
pause) Good job. Great job.
COURTNEY
Thank you.
MEG
Will there be an encore
tonight?
COURTNEY
No, just one per night.
GREG
Now you sound like Seth having
sex. You’re like the Lou Bega,
one and done.
SETH
I’m neither black nor do I
mambo.
MEG
You guys wanna go somewhere?
COURTNEY
We could go back to my place.
GREG
Seth’s place is closer. We
could walk.
SETH
You know who walks? Poor
people.
MEG
You who doesn’t?
GREG
Christopher Reeves?
MEG
You always gotta go for the
joke, don’t you?
GREG
Stephen Hawking?
COURTNEY
I never knew that he was in
some type of accident. I
thought that he was super smart
and for some reason that caused
his body to shut down. It’s
like an overload.
MEG
So are we going?
GREG
Let’s go.
SETH
It’s not the cleanest place in
the world. It’s not Jersey, but
it’s not clean.
JUMP CUT TO
INT – GREG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
There are going to be two different conversations here that
will be cross cut between the Greg/Meg and Seth/Courtney
conversations. I’m going to write the Seth/Courtney
conversation first. On the couch.
SETH
So, wow, you’re a singer. I’ve
never known anyone with real
musical talent. I knew a guy
that played in the a band,
but I didn’t like the music
they played. There were always
these hippies there that
couldn’t stand still for the
life of them, like a nursery
full of jittery crack babies.
COURTNEY
You’re born with your voice. I
didn’t do a lot to get it.
It’s like being born with big
breasts.
SETH
Well, you can hide your voice
if you want to.
COURTNEY
So you have no musical talent
at all?
SETH
I couldn’t even play the
recorder.
COURTNEY
I used to play the greatest
“Mary had a little lamb.”
The Hendrix of the recorder.
SETH
I was like the Vanilla Ice of
the recorder. But I did play
the cello until the
unbelievably hot girl that sat
in front of me graduated, then
I quit. You know how you sit
with a cello right? Spreading
her legs made the back of her
pants go down and I was looking
at underwear and ass crack all
day. It was terrific. Then I
tried the guitar. But my
failures always come down to
one thing…
COURTNEY
Lack of practice?
SETH
Stubby fingers. I can’t easily
change positions with
these midget digits. Sure
they’re great for finger
banging and they make up for my
small “d” but they don’t suit
me well in life.
COURTNEY
I’ll remember that. I can play
enough guitar to get by.
SETH
When did we start talking about
you? Seriously, you got any
family? Anything like that?
COURTNEY
I have parents. I have a mom.
My dad died when I was young.
SETH
I’m so sorry.
COURTNEY
Why? You didn’t even know him.
SETH
Seemed like the right thing to
say.
COURTNEY
People are always trying to say
the right thing. Unless you
really know someone, how do you
know what’s right? I never knew
him that well so I don’t miss
him.
SETH
Any siblings?
COURTNEY
I have an older sister. She’s
been protective of me my whole
life.
SETH
Well it’s nice to have someone
to look after you.
COURTNEY
That gets old after a while. Do
you have anyone besides your
sister?
SETH
Just her and my parents. I
can’t complain about my
childhood though, we weren’t
rich but I got everything I
wanted.
COURTNEY
Yeah, I never did without.
SETH
So… what are we doing?
COURTNEY
I don’t know.
SETH
I like you and I think you like
me.
COURTNEY
You’re a…you’re cool guy.
SETH
Do you think that there’s a
chance for us, for us to ever
be anything?
COURTNEY
There’s a chance for anything.
There’s a chance we could be
struck by lightning. There’s a
chance we could die tomorrow.
SETH
I know. That’s the chance with
living. I feel a sense urgency,
I don’t know why. It’s just
that, in the past I’ve wasted
time with girls. Then when the
time felt right, the time was
up. I don’t want that to happen
to us. I want to make the most
of it. I think we have a
connection.
COURTNEY
I don’t know. I want to say we
do, but I’ve rushed into things
before and they’ve always ended
badly, worse than badly. I just
want to wait and see.
SETH
That makes sense.
COURTNEY
I think we should go out more.
SETH
I think you’re me. We have the
same interests, the same
tastes.
COURTNEY
Tell me a story. No, sing me a
song.You heard me sing. I wanna
hear you sing.
SETH
What?
COURTNEY
I wanna hear you sing.
SETH
I don’t know any songs.
COURTNEY
You have to one at least one
song, anything.
SETH
Let me think. Don’t laugh at
me. This will probably be more
spoken word than sung but… I
saw this in a musical.
A lady known as Paris, Romantic and Charming
Has left her old companions and faded from view
Lonely men with lonely eyes are seeking her in vain
Her streets are where they were, but there's no sign of her
She has left the Seine
The last time I saw Paris, her heart was warm and gay,
I heard the laughter of her heart in every street cafe‚
The last time I saw Paris, her trees were dressed for
spring,
And lovers walked beneath those trees and birds found songs
to sing.
I dodged the same old taxicabs that I had dodged for years.
The chorus of their squeaky horns was music to my ears.
The last time I saw Paris, her heart was warm and gay,
No matter how they change her, I'll remember her that way.
I'll think of happy hours, and people who shared them
Old women, selling flowers, in markets at dawn
Children who applauded, Punch and Judy in the park
And those who danced at night and kept our Paris bright
'til the town went dark.
There, I sang
COURTNEY
That wasn’t bad. That wasn’t
singing but that wasn’t bad.
SETH
I guess I’ll leave the singing
to you.
COURTNEY
That’s probably best. Maybe one
day we’ll sing together.
SETH
I doubt that.
COURTNEY
What made you pick that song?
SETH
I guess it fit the situation.
COURTNEY
Isn’t it a song about war?
SETH
It’s a song about things
changing.
COURTNEY
But we’re changing.
SETH
Well in a way we are. We’re
friends. If we start going out,
we’ll have been friends again.
COURTNEY
But that song’s about looking
back.
SETH
We’ll look back on tonight,
fondly I hope someday.
COURTNEY
I don’t want to talk about this
now. Can’t we just sit here and
enjoy the silence?
SETH (PUTS ARM
AROUND COURTNEY)
Yeah.
END THIS PORTION
Now the second part of this scene with Greg and Meg who are
in the bedroom, Greg laying on the bed and Meg walking back
and forth. She eventually sits on the edge of the bed.
MEG
So how do you think they’re
doing?
GREG
I don’t care. I really, really
don’t.
MEG
He’s your friend isn’t he?
GREG
Yeah but I don’t care.
MEG
You want him to be happy right?
GREG
I don’t give two shits, can you
not understand that?
MEG
Wow, what a whiney little
bitch. You’re jealous, aren’t
you? All of your other friends
have girlfriends, and you think
that if Seth has a girl,
you’ll be all alone.
GREG
No.
MEG
Everyone is growing up and
you’re left standing all alone
with your dick in one hand and
tear in one eye.
GREG
He is my only single friend,
yes but he gets a fuckcushion
that’s good for him. If I have
to spend one or two nights
alone then that’s okay. I’m not
going to stop him from getting
pussy.
MEG
That’s so sweet, you’re afraid
to be alone.
GREG
I didn’t fucking say that.
MEG
I read between the lines.
GREG
What page were those lines on?
I don’t even have a fucking
book.
MEG
I’m right, admit it.
GREG
No, you’re not right.
MEG (SITS)
Okay, but if you say another
word, that means I’m right.
She leans over to Greg and starts to rub his thigh.
GREG
What the fuck are doing?
MEG
I was right. Thank you.
GREG
You’re not welcome. You’re a
fucking cocktease.
MEG
I’ve been called worse. Once I
was called a dickdoodler.
My feelings weren’t hurt, it
just made me giggle.
GREG
You know, funny girls are a
rarity. But you, you're funny.
You get it. You don’t take it
too seriously.
MEG
I’ll say thank you. Most people
would consider laughing at an
abortion wrong or something,
so, I guess you’re pretty cool
too.
GREG
Well I guess there’s nothing
else to do but fuck.
MEG
We could talk more.
GREG
We could, but that’s less
fucking time. We should have
already started, it takes a
while for me to finish.
MEG
No let’s talk. You can pick the
topic.
GREG
Why do you give everyone
blowjobs?
MEG
I’m not gonna answer that.
GREG
You said anything.
MEG
I don’t know.
GREG
Touched by an uncle?
MEG
No.
GREG
Father?
MEG
No one touched me as a child.
GREG
So you weren’t hugged enough?
MEG
I was had a fine childhood.
GREG
Let me guess. You’re parents
are divorced?
MEG
Yeah
GREG
You lived with your mom?
MEG
Yeah.
GREG
Well it’s simple. You saw your
mom be rejected by men and that
set the example for you to go
out of your way to about a man.
And there is very little that a
man enjoys more than oral
treats. You give head to
get accepted. Not a bad idea,
gives you protein.
MEG
I don’t swallow.
GREG
Then I take back every nice
thing I’ve said about you.
MEG
You called me a whore.
GREG
Didn’t I say you were pretty?
You’re a pretty whore.
MEG
It softens the blow, I must
say.
GREG
I kidding, you’re not a whore.
You don’t do anything that’s
worse than what everyone else
does. If I was an attractive
girl, I’d be a whore. I’d get
my pussy pounded nightly.
I’d put on more shows than Dick
Clark. Dick Clark before the
stroke. He ain’t doing shit
now.
MEG
You have a reputation as an
asshole, but you can be
a nice guy.
GREG
Thanks. You’re not bad.
I bet you’re a killer in the
sack.
MEG
I am.
They sit in silence, Meg stares at Greg as Greg is starring
of into space. She jumps up and quickly exits the room. Cut
to the same shot of Seth and Courtney on the couch. Meg runs
into the shot.
MEG
Courtney, Courtney, I gotta go.
COURTNEY
Do you want me to go.
MEG
No, stay here.
COURTNEY
I’m gonna go with you.
MEG
No stay.
COURTNEY
I’m going. (to Seth) I’ll call
you
THEY EXIT
EXT – OUTSIDE SETH’S/SIDEWALK – LATE NIGHT
Courtney and Meg walk down the street discussing what just
happened. This too should be in one take and a tracking
shot. Occasionally they will stop walking, but we won’t
worry about that now.
COURTNEY
Why are we leaving?
MEG
Because…
COURTNEY
What’s wrong with you?
MEG
Nothing, I’m tired.
COURTNEY
Bullshit, you’re always out all
night.
MEG
I was out last night so I’m
tired.
COURTNEY
You were watching Newsradio.
MEG (STOPPING)
I felt something.
COURTNEY
What?
MEG
With Greg, I felt something.
COURTNEY
You didn’t blow him too did
you?
MEG
No, and I was going too. That’s
it.
COURTNEY
What?
MEG
I think I like him.
COURTNEY
What do you mean you like him?
MEG
I think I didn’t blow him
because I want more than oral
sex.
COURTNEY
What more is there than oral
sex?
MEG
Ha ha. No, I felt a connection.
Call it love, call it what you
will but I felt something,
something real.
COURTNEY
Good for you. It’s about time;
now you can settle down.
MEG
But with Greg? He’s a dirty
little fuck.
COURTNEY
Hey, strange bedfellows.
MEG
That really doesn’t apply here.
COURTNEY
Why not.
MEG
It usually refers to politics.
COURTNEY
So?
MEG
We aren’t politicians.
COURTNEY
But I mean that you aren’t two
people that would normally be
together.
INT – SETH’S APARTMENT – DAY
Greg is at the door, early in the morning, needing to talk
to Seth. Seth answers the door in his pajama bottoms and a
tshirt.
SETH
What?
GREG
I just came over. I brought
bagels.
SETH
Oh shit, you brought bagels,
how big of you.
GREG
Bagels aren’t cheap.
SETH
Yes, bagels are cheap. They’re
with the Jews and they aren’t
going to pay a lot of money for
anything.
GREG
I thought I could come over to
talk.
SETH
About what? How you ruined my
night last night?
GREG
What?
SETH
You made Meg run out of here in
a hurry and take Courtney with
her. I’m not sure what you said
or did, but it was the biggest
cockblock I’ve been witness to.
GREG
I didn’t do a damn thing. We
were both sitting on the bed
and she freaked out or
something and left. Maybe she
was out of tampons or
something. I really don’t know.
SETH
I was so fucking close too.
GREG
No you weren’t.
SETH
I had my arm around her and
shit…it was gonna happen.
GREG
Nothing was going to happen,
believe me. Courtney is a weird
girl. Don’t get me wrong, she’s
adorable and cute as hell,
maybe the coolest chick ever,
but she has a lot going on.
SETH
She’s a crazy chick. So what?
That’s hot.
GREG
It’s not that she’s crazy, she
has her demons. We all have our
demons.
SETH
Yeah, exactly. We all do and we
all handle them.
GREG
I really don’t want to talk
about this anymore. You’re over
your head, and you think that
you’re in love or something,
but it’s just a crush, just
unrequited love.
SETH
But she was going to…
GREG
Seriously, no more. I just want
to put whatever happened last
night, no, whatever happened
over the last week to go away.
SETH
Okay.
GREG
I wish I had some orange juice.
SETH
I should have brought some.
GREG
Ah, it doesn’t matter, no
person can’t do it all. These
are good bagels though.
SETH
I knew you’d like ‘em.
The two sit in silence at the table.
GREG
All right, I was hoping that
you wouldn’t become as attached
as you have, here’s the truth.
Courtney has a thing for me.
SETH
What?
GREG
She likes me. She, has a crush
on me, I guess.
SETH
How do you know that?
GREG
Meg told me awhile ago. I have
no feelings for her, other than
friendly ones. I made it clear
to her, but we can’t control
who we’re attracted to.

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a work of the seventh son

Blame your kiss, as sweet as a kiss could be.

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