THE PRINCESS COMPENDIUM

written by

COSMO M. SMITH

TO E.S.
Enough of a Princess herself

Words cannot express my love for you, but that will never stop me from trying until the day that words mean nothing at all -Locke Waughs The Man Who Lived Forever

THE MAGIC AND THE STORYTELLER

1. ANGELS

Stories are powerful things. A story can be pretty, or ugly, or both, and many stories are just as unique as the people who tell them. Stories are fashioned together from words, like forests are made from trees. The right story can make someone fall in love, or weep in sadness. I dont know what kind of story this is. It is a story that is very rarely ever told and is it very much older than almost any of the bedtime stories that ever were. This is the story of how magic came into the world. It starts with a storyteller.

In a land before the time of the Princess and the Warlock, there was a great evil. This evil would terrify the children in their nightmares and make parents lock their doors when the shadow of night emerged. The evil was called Listre (when spoken, you should say it like list-ray) and took the shape of a man though no one was sure where he had come from or what he actually was. Whispers across tall fences said that he was the Devils afterthought, and some drunken soothsayers liked to say that he was made from the broken dreams of lost love and unfulfilled dreams, bitter and angry feelings all put into one creature. Listre soon gained followers for he was not without inspiring fear and tyranny and fear and tyranny are ways that bullies can find their thuggish followers. Soon, Listre had taken over the town of Oromore. Listre enjoyed watching the villagers in terror. He raided every house and took any treasure he found he liked and he ordered every child to be locked up, for Listre, having never been a child himself, did not trust them. Listre watched over his new

territory and when he sat on a throne in the old kings castle, he felt happy being evil. He was great at it.

Oromore was built into the side of a tall mountain called Dylastabon. On the other side of Dylastabon sat another town, smaller than Oromore but much prettier and much happier. This was the kingdom of GEshi. The kingdom had heard news of Listre but they had no real warriors to fight so they were content to simply not cross Dylastabon for what could they possibly want outside of the kingdom walls? GEshi had pools of red wine, clouds which actually rained candy gumdrops and if you were rich, you would have a teapot made out of chocolate that wouldnt melt in which you would make hot chocolate. However, some people were not rich but were still happy, without the chocolate teapots. One of these people was Smythe the Storyteller. Smythe was a street urchin and dressed in a grey coat that nearly touched his ankles and around his neck was a tie he had borrowed from a passing circus master. He was a perfectly content boy- for he was a boy and not yet a man, barely nine years old. In the winter months he would head to the west arm of the kingdom and drink hot mead and Guinness beer to keep warm while he shovelled candy snow into bags where it was to be kept in the icy caverns in the castle. Smythe did this with no grumbling and was indeed a good loyal worker, but what Smythe really liked was the summer months. In the summer months, Smythe would stand in the sunshine and clink two spoons together. When he did, the children playing would gather and Smythe would tell them as many stories as he could, enthralling them with amazing faraway tales. Where Smythe had learned these tales was never known. All that anyone really knew was that they could hypnotise someone. When the children had to go in for suppertime, he would lie under the stars and grin happily. It was during one of these nights where our story really starts. Smythe was lying with his coat wrapped around him on the rooftop of a tavern, puffing on a cigoot (like a cigarette but longer than a cats tail) while he watched the stars sparkle smugly at him, like sprinkles on a cake. The sky was suddenly struck with a shooting star. When Smythe saw it, he made a wish and watched the shooting star fall, only it didnt just wink away like most shooting stars. Instead, it fell into a paddock and burned brightly. Smythe didnt take any time to think. Jumping from the taverns rooftop, he took a red horse and rode that horse into the paddock. It was just outside the

kingdoms greater North wall and kept ducks but no one minded, for they were the most dangerous ducks that have ever quaked- they were the Ducks of Alesae, and they would try and sell you stuff and would not take no for an answer. Hello? Smythe rode quickly into the paddock but the horse was afraid of what was burning in the crater in the middle of the field, amidst the Alesae nests. Smythe jumped off his horse and with great care, walked through the smouldering flames and came to a dent in the earth rather like how a flaming boulder makes a dent in soft dirt. In the very centre, Smythe found a creature smaller than a baby, smaller than a fairy. With the utmost care, he picked up the poor thing and placed it into his palm. How may I help you? Smythe asked. Slowly the creature coughed and sat up. Hi she said. She was white and glowing and had a tiny little handbag, as big as a dolls handbag. She was an Angel. Im the storyteller, Smythe Im Kezia she said, standing up and fluttering, and I have a gift for you Smythe was confused I dont need a gift This isnt just for you- I was sent by a very special Someone Kezia smiled, and I need you to do something for everyone What is it? You have to stop Listre said the Angel urgently, that is your task. Do you know who Listre is? He nodded gravely, the children whisper his name sometimes as if he can hear them and will punish them, lock them up with the Oromore babies. They have a rhyme that they sing whenever there are no grown-ups near

Take away the light of day And hide it quick- here comes Listre

Hide under the covers and lock your doors Remember to stuff the cracks in your floors

Listre moves like the morning mist Listres mouth has never been kissed

Listre is an ugly beast Hide your eyes from his, at least

Listre speaks such awful things Listre spits on all the kings He hurts and yells and screams and stings And ties you up with scratchy strings

Take away the light of day Or Listre will take you away

Why cant Someone else do it? Smythe asked but the Angel had taken from her little bag a small drawstring pouch that was the size of the fingernail on a little pinky finger and had placed it insider his shirt pocket. This Someone works in ways that are Keziah flip-flopped her head, mysterious, really What did you just give? the Storyteller asked. Keziah giggled. It will help you Keziah answered, quite mysterious herself, now go I dont understand! Im a storyteller, not a soldier! I cant do anything! Smythe said, very cross with this Angel, I just have an overactive imagination! What have you given me in that tiny pouch? You will know what to do when the time comes Keziah smiled pleasantly and for a moment, it calmed the Storytellers fear, trust yourself. It must be you With that, the Angel winked away out of sight like the shooting star she had started out as. Smythe put his hands over his eyes, hoping he would wake up from a dream. Listre was the worst of all men who walked upon the face of the earth and he could not do it alone. He would need help, and the help would come.

2. ORPHANS

The next day, Smythe got ready to make his way to Oromore to defeat Listre. The children wept as many tears as they could and the grown-ups shook his hand as many times as they could. The villagers gossip reached the ears of the King who decreed that Smythe the Storyteller would have everything he could need on his quest and when Smythe returned, he would get one reward and that reward would be anything the King could give. The children were very sad for seeing their storyteller go, for they loved to hear the stories. The grown-ups were not as sincere. They were glad to humour Smythe but had little hope that he would succeed, and even less that he might ever return. They did not want their children to worry so they pretended that Smythe was the hero who could stop, maybe even kill, the villain that terrorized the other side of the mountain. Smythe was given several wineskins, fat with a delicious red wine, and calabash candy squares, a pastry treat with a recipe long since lost. These were all thrown on top of a baby Triceratops who Smythe called Roger. Goodbye, Smythe the Storyteller! the grown-ups waved with their children but when Smythe had gone up the mountain and the children had gone to bed, the grown-ups then said to themselves that is the last we shall ever see of him!

Roger took Smythe up the mountain rather slowly. They rode until nightfall which is when Smythe decided to stop and camp. He buttoned up his coat and lit a fire to warm himself up while he slept. While his calabash candy squares were softening up on sticks on the fire, Smythe told himself a story out of habit about a monster which hopped from nightmare to nightmare in order to find his home. The more he talked, the more he noticed a rustling in the bushes. and then the monster was eaten by the child! Smythe suddenly shouted and the thing behind one of the bushes made a shriek! He jumped up and pounced but it wasnt a woodland imp but a young girl, no more than seven. Why were you spying on me? Smythe asked but the girl punched him in the face and ran off into the forest. Smythe was confused, but grew more confused when she returned a moment later with a rusty knife in her hand. Tell me what really happens! the girl demanded. What? In the story the girl sat down, putting the knife by her side, what really happened to the monster? So the Storyteller spoke the story and while he did, he kept the fire going and the girl was enthralled. When he was finished, the girl grinned at the clever ending. I thought the monster was silly, letting the townsfolk go! she piped up. Smythe poked out his tongue, well you can tell your own story. Im Smythe, the Storyteller, so Ill tell my stories how I see fit Well Im Essa, the Orphan, so Ill listen to what stories I see fit the girl jutted out her bottom lip. I shall just call you Essa Smythe ruffled her hair, something that Essa did not like at all, do you live in the forest? Whats wrong with it? Essa poked the fire with a stick, I happen to rather like the forest. My tree house is in the woods a bit Thats nice. I live down in GEshi Smythe took a blanket which he shared with Essa, Im off to Oromore Why? Essa tilted her head, dont you know Listre lives there? Thats why Im going. Im meant to stop him and thus, Smythe had to tell

another story, the story of Kezia giving him that task. Essa didnt like that story as much as the first one he told. Where is the pouch now? Essa asked. In all of his travel, Smythe had forgotten about the pouch, the gift the Angel had given him. It was still in his shirt pocket. Essa took the pouch from Smythes pocket and opened it very carefully. Seeds? Essa was disappointed, expecting something more dangerous or exciting. Smythe was almost embarrassed. They were like grape seeds but each seed was red on one end and blue on the other end. Essa took one from the pouch and flicked it away. As Smythe placed the pouch back into his shirt pocket, Essa said would you like me to sing you a bedtime song? So as Smythe went to sleep, Essa sang a lullaby she had once been sung by her mother.

Sleep now little soldier; tomorrow waits for you When you are wide awake, youll have such things to do But for now, rest your head, let your troubles go Theyll melt away- one by one- above, between, below

Long days are far too long, you need to have your rest The dreams youll have will make you glad; youll be very best Your blankets warm, your pillows soft just like a lions mane Youll doze away and close your eyes and sleep once again

When Smythe fell asleep (Essa quickly did the same), they did not see what happened to the seed Essa had flicked away. The seed did not just fall to the ground. Neither of them could have known what Kezia had given them. That seed was a magic seed and it kept flying up into the sky. It landed on a ground very different than ours and it spread a light over the surface. That seed had landed on the moon and it was the seed in which moonlight came about.

The next day was bright and sunny. After stretching and yawning, Smythe got on the saddle on Roger, ready to ride again, but this time, there was another passenger. You are not coming with me Try and stop me Essa smiled. Roger, unsure of what else to do, just keep trodding on. They had moved on until midday when they came across the pixies of the mountain having a party. Pixies are mischievous creatures who live in little gingerbread houses because that way they dont have to have pantries. Instead, they just eat the furniture and then the foundation, and then they move house. They have skin as pink as a clean pig and about as big as a newborn baby when they are at their tallest and dress in cloth woven from Hakataka trees. Like their sisters, the fairies, they have wings but they cannot fly very far and so are mainly used for decoration. Pixie Women are very adept at piercing their wings like humans pierce their ears, and attaching sparkling things like colourful seashells or broken stained glass. Pixie Men do not usually pierce their wings but instead they paint them like a man might dye his hair into streaks. However, whenever confronted by an pixie, it is the nose you will always notice first. Pixies have long hook-like noses which curl like springs and they often put it where it doesnt belong.

3. PIXIES

The pixies were celebrating a marriage. Pixie marriages are not common for pixies so delight in causing pranks and enjoy snippy comments so fellow pixies do not generally like one another. For two pixies to fall in love, they must be very much infatuated with each other for they must be able to put up with their spouses crazy ways. Heyena Bingot and Fraunman Shchutsky were in love and that was when they became Heyena Bingsky and Fraunman Bingsky (when married, each will take a syllable of the others surname. They find the human practise of the wife taking the husbands surname to be completely unfair and tell mean jokes in the pub about it). It was just as the Bingskys had left on an eagle, off to their honeymoon on the Isle of Love Songs, that Smythe the Storyteller and Essa the Orphan arrived on their Triceratops, Roger. The pixies swarmed around Roger but they did not recognize Smythe as he had not visited them in a very long time. When he was very small, he had accidentally wandered up the mountain and the Pixies had taunted and mocked him, a toddler, and it was here that Smythe learned that words and ideas could change the world. Greetings! said the Emperor of the Pixies, a massively round Pixie whose belly bounced as he walked, I am Goblomov, the Pixie Emperor I am Essa the Orphan bowed, a tricky thing to do when the person you are bowing to is only as tall as your thigh.

I am Smythe was hesitant to give his real name in case the pixies remembered him from long ago, Waugh, the Storyteller Waugh, Sore, Pour, Whore, Bore! one of the Pixie children said, rhyming Waugh with other words he thought to be funny. Goblomov snickered, what sort of a name is Waugh? Well Smythe shrugged, giving Essa a look not to give the game away, its a very common one. Lets all go to Waugh with our neighbours!, At dawn we go to Waugh!, All is fair in love and Waugh!, that sort of thing Goblomov raised an eyebrow at this, I see. What are you doing here? Smythe gave Essa another look to keep up his masquerade, we are delivering this bunch of seeds to Oromore where they will make the most delicious seedcake from it and he held up the pouch from his shirt pocket. What a funny giant he is a Pixie woman snorted derisively, make him do something. Im bored of him now What can you do? Goblomov poked Smythe in the sole of his boot, we want entertainment from you Tell them a story Essa said to Smythe, go on Smythe drew a deep breath, sighed once, and then took his box of matches to light a cigeroot. Once he was puffing away sweetly, he began his tale. This was a love story about two youngsters who met at a costume party and were destined to be with each other for the rest of their lives, but their families hated each other and viciously fought against them. When Smythe had gotten to the end of his cigeroot, he had ended his story with the two youngsters tragically killing themselves because they each believed that the other had died and that they could not bear to lead a life alone. That was the Pixie woman who had called Smythe a funny giant now had a tear falling down her cheek, as if it was escaping the sadness in her mind. Feast! Goblomov shook himself free of the impact of the story, for a reward for such a beautiful story! Pixies like one thing more than mischief and that is food. For the most part, pixies are skinny creatures unless, like Goblomov, they stuff their faces constantly. They are experts in preparing food too. As Smythe and Essa sat, the party for the

wedding turned to a party for the Storyteller and great trays were piled up high with Arastaden croissants, Nickleberry crumpets, Gicklejick toast and chicken rolls (the most special delicacy of them all was, of course, the chicken rolls. Its very difficult to farm a chicken when youre barely bigger than one). When they were all fed and watered, the pixies, Smythe and Essa all found soft patches of grass to nap on, sozzled by such a feast. Smythe? Essa turned to look at the storyteller, can I ask you a question? No Smythe turned his back to Essa and fell asleep in the afternoon sun.

While they were napping, the pixies had woken up and Goblomov, being especially stupid in his greed, crept over to Smythe and with great delicacy, stole the pouch that sat in his shirt pocket. As soon as he had done that, the other pixies stole away into the forest, covering their mouths to try and stifle their cackles. When they were safely out of sight, one of their musicians came up with what he thought was a witty little song.

Ugly giants! Do them in! Boil them up and break their skin! Oh, it is so vile a sin For me to have such a grin!

When he wakes, he will be mad! The stupid oaf, the brutish lad! And, if I might rightly add He will be ticked! Ha! Egad!

What they didnt know was that Smythe had removed the seeds much earlier into his coat pocket and replaced the seeds with the heads of his matches. Later, when Goblomov tried one of these seeds, he began choking on it and died which served him right for stealing in the first place.

When Smythe awoke, he felt that the pouch was gone from his shirt pocket and that the seeds were still in his coat pocket. He smiled knowingly but darent tell Essa what he had done. There was still a little daylight left to travel so they got Roger to wake up before moving on a bit more. As they moved past the middle of the mountain, they began to get very cold for it was snowy and though Roger was cold-blooded and did not mind the freezing air, Essa and Smythe were chattering their teeth. Smythe gave Essa his coat as she had no better than rags but even this did not seem to help much. When the snow started falling, Smythe was starting to get quite worried. It nipped at his fingertips and his cheeks like the nips of fingertips but soon he could not feel his cheeks or fingers at all. He could barely even keep his eyelids from falling over his eyes. It was Smythe who fell asleep first in the cold blizzard, for Essa had his thick overcoat. Then she too succumbed to the frosty bite of the snow, and finally, Roger too. The three sat in the snow as it covered them, like scratches in a plank of wood being painted over.

4. MERMAIDS

Smythe and Essa awoke covered in blankets next to a fire. The walls were cold to touch and they all sloped inwards, like a cone. They were in one single room and they couldnt see a door. Are you okay? Smythe asked Essa. She nodded but was still unsure of what was happening. They warmed themselves by the fire, unsure of what was happening. The last thing that either of our heroes remembered was falling asleep in the snowy mountain. What was the question you wanted to ask me before? the boy asked the girl in the ice room. Essa shrugged, it seemed unimportant after nearly freezing to death, when you saw that shooting star, what did you wish for? Smythe would have blushed if he had enough warm blood in his face. He looked at Essa the Orphan, and in his eyes, she was the prettiest girl in the world. Before Smythe could answer properly, a great thumping footsteps began to echo in the snow. A great giant with white fur and long claws entered through a tunnel. Essa, nor Smythe, knew what it was but when it spoke, it spoke in a faint whisper. Hello

Hi Smythe said rather nervously, Im Smythe the Storyteller, and this is my companion Essa. What- who are you? I am Tybalt said the giant, and I am the last of the Yeti. This is my igloo where I live. When I found you, you were nearly frozen to death so I brought you here Wheres Roger? Essa asked, shivering slightly. Your dinosaur is safe Tybalt took a large curvy potion bottle from underneath the snow, I have covered him in warm snow and hes resting outside of the igloo now The Yeti poured some of the potion into two cups for his guests, this will stop you from getting sick from the cold When Smythe drank the potion, it tasted of sweet apples and made his tummy feel warm and happy. Thank you for saving us Smythe asked, it was very kind of you to do that The Yeti was almost puzzled by the thanks, people should always be kind Where are the other Yeti? Essa asked, stretching her legs. Dead Tybalt gravely answered, Listre killed them all, massacred them when they wouldnt bow to him. I only escaped because my herd had left me behind in the mountain. I was too slow to keep up with them and if I had, I would be dead too Im sorry Essa took her hand and placed it over Tybalts hand but her hand was three times smaller. Weve come to stop Listre Smythe said, were on a mission from an Angel Smythe told Tybalt what Kezia had told him. Tybalt just laughed, shaking his head and stroking his bushy beard. He was a magnificent sight to behold and a Yetis laugh is a fearful sound. It cant be done! Tybalt cried, Oromore is over the next path. The whole town is surrounded by a lake which is guarded by Mermaids which bewitch men with their beauty and then drown them, eating their flesh in the depths of the water. If you make it past them, youd have to face the Charybdis, and then the Hydra, a monster which has many heads. If you managed to defeat them, you would have to fight the fire dragons which guard Listres castle and then pierce the armour Listre wears which is made from Demon scales. Your Angel brought you a bag of seed? Are you

really expecting to champion this villain? Smythe smiled sweetly, I have to try I think I can help then Tybalt nodded, rubbing his palms together.

They rested, anxious about their next step of the journey. Tybalt didnt have much food but he offered what he could- ice cream, frosted berries and sorbet. When night came, Tybalt went out to find more wood. As Essa slept cosily by the fire, Smythe came outside to see Roger. He found that it had stopped snowing and there was a sky so clear and full of stars that it seemed to be almost as bright as day. He saw a shooting star and this time, Smythe only wished for a happy ending that he might deserve. He was scared, for there is no shame in being scared. He had courage too, and there was something very noble about that. The morning came and it was a cloudy morning indeed. Smythe and Essa left the igloo to find that Tybalt had found swords for each of them. They were made of a very light supple metal so that the two could wield them. Tybalt waved them goodbye as they headed with Roger to Oromore. When they reached Oromore, they found that they could not take Roger along with them for Oromore does not simply have walls around the kingdom but a deep moat that could only be crossed through small boats. No boat moored on the bank could take Rogers weight so the two had to leave him behind but promised to return for him soon as they could. Smythe got into a dinghy and helped Essa in. Pass me those oars Smythe asked and began rowing across the water. When they were halfway across, the two heard something singing. Though it made Smythe happy, it also made his hair at the back of his neck stand up. Mermaids! Smythe paused rowing, were in Mermaid waters Essa could see them swimming just under the water. Without a second thought, she tore a strip of cloth from her ragged dress and blindfolded Essas eyes. Though the Mermaids poked their heads from the surface of the water, Smythe could not fall for their bewitching looks. Keep rowing Essa said to the Storyteller, and he did. The Mermaids dared not topple the boat themselves for they never had to do anything more than sing to their victims and lure them from the boats themselves. When they had reached the other side, Essa helped the Storyteller out of the boat and into Oromore.

Oromore was a town that was built from bluestone. It was neat and tidy but Smythe and Essa could not see anyone walking around the streets for they were as empty as a fools brain. Not a minister, or child, or miserable cutthroat could be found. Smythe Essa nudged her friend but he had already noticed. Wherever they walked, they could see curtains twitching from windows where people watched them. Somethings scaring them Smythe said, and were about to find out The sounds of many beasts with large hooves beating the pavement began to get nearer to Smythe. In a flash, he had scooped up the seeds from his pocket and hid them under his tongue just in time. Guards approached, wearing dark plates for armour rode hydras, four-legged snake-like beasts with three heads slithering from one neck. There was an army of them coming to surround Smythe and Essa on every side. Who are you? their leader growled. Smythe the Storyteller and Essa the Orphan Essa smiled. This made the guards even more suspicious and annoyed which made Essa smile more. The guard leader flinched slightly, what do you want? Nothing Essa shrugged, knowing it would annoy the guard further. Essa and Smythe were handcuffed with iron shackles and told to march all the way into a looming castle where they were locked up in a dungeon, awaiting to meet Listre. The dungeon was damp and dusty and the blue dust got on Smythes coat. Your coat looks blue, not grey Essa commented while she tried to wiggle out of her handcuffs. Smythe was depressed. He didnt know what to do or why he had been chosen to fight Listre or if he would live to fight another day. Essa could see his distress and tried to take his mind off of things. You never did tell me what you wished for with that shooting star Essa nudged Smythe in his ribs with her elbow, you can tell me now Smythe smiled meekly, I wished for somebody to love Essa tried to scratch her nose with handcuffs, think youll find her? Smythe stayed quiet and content knowing the answer to that question already.

5. MAGIC

Where Listre came from, no one has ever found out. He walked into town one day and began to hurt and terrorize and frighten. Eventually, he took the Oromore Fortress and watched over his land jealously, making sure only he could speak his mind. No will should ever exist if it was not Listres will, no voice should speak except to Listre. No stranger would ever visit Oromore and it was accepted that so long as Listre did not try to take over anything outside of the town then no one would try to send anyone in. Listre was still a very paranoid thing. He kidnapped soothsayers, the futuretongues, and the fortune tellers and he kept them all hidden in the castle, expecting news of any champion to defeat him in battle. No one ever knew if Listre could be slain, not even Listre himself. He was guarded in a suit of armour that no sword could pierce, and never ate or drank anything that his chefs did not taste before his very eyes for fear of poison. He slept alone in a locked room in the highest tower for fear of his throat being slit in his slumber. The day that Listre spoke his last words, two strangers arrived. Listre had ordered all strangers to be imprisoned in the dungeon until he could talk to them, for he needed to know how strangers entered his secure grounds. When Listre had entered the fortresss court, he ordered for the prisoners to be brought in front of him. The guards bowed to him very low with solemn faces plastered on their faces- if Listre even suspected that you were insincere, he would execute you.

Hello Essa the Orphan and Smythe the Storyteller were brought in, their wrists shackled with iron, their backs watched by guards with long swords, how are you? Listre opened his mouth and spoke in a dry, raspy voice, who are you? I am Essa and this is Smythe Essa said, looking at Smythe who was strangely quiet. How did you get in? Listre demanded, taking a dagger from his belt and played with it rather threateningly in his hands, tell me or Ill cut out your tongue! What are you? Im an Orphan I dont think you understand Listre scratched an itch on his chin with the blade of his dagger, I am Listre. Are you not afraid of me? Im not a soldier Smythe finally spoke, why would I be afraid of you? I am not a man of war. Im a storyteller When he spoke, he sounded rather strange. Listre shook it off and smacked Smythe with his fist for his cheek. Why did you come here? Listre breathed down Smythes neck, tell me that story Smythe finally realized what had happened. Why Kezia had chosen him to stop Listres reign suddenly became clear. Well? Listre squinted, his dagger now pressed against Smythes neck and so Smythe spoke, the magic seeds still under Smythes tongue. As Smythe told his story, the words came alive and the story filled the room. They took Listre and as Smythe focused, he found he could trap Listre into the story. The story took a life of its own and to this day, Listre still lives in that story, forever encased in those magic words.

When the scout of GEshi ran to the King and said that Smythe the Storyteller had returned with Roger, the King could hardly believe it. He ordered for the entire kingdom to come and see the return of what had become their most powerful son. Welcome home the King ran to shake hands with Smythe, you have returned!

I have, and I was successful Smythe said, no one will ever hear from Listre again Though there was great cheering over this, there were also great whisperings about this for no one could think of how a simple storyteller could accomplish a task that lords and masters had failed. In Smythes coat, blue from the dust in Listres dungeon, there was a hidden pocket and in that pocket were the seeds which Smythe had spit out after Listre had been trapped. There was one seed missing, a seed that he had accidentally swallowed. Smythe said nothing of these seeds however, and brought Essa to the King. Your Highness, you said that on my return, I could have one wish from you and whatever that wish was, you would grant it Smythe reminded his king, this is Essa, the Orphan. I do not want her to be an orphan any more. I want you to take care of her, for I must go on a quest and its going to take some time Youre leaving? Essa whimpered, but Smythe smiled and held her fondly. I will return for you one day Smythe said and he kept his word, for Smythes words suddenly had a great more deal of power.

When Smythe went away, the King gladly took Essa into his castle. She was given royalty, dressed in pretty dresses and kept in luxury. The King even thought of her as his own daughter, and as youve probably guessed, Essa the Orphan stopped being called that and was called the Princess. Smythe the Storyteller travelled, planting the seeds of magic to blossom around the world, learning about magic. When Smythe returned, his legend preceded him and he was called the Warlock. The Warlock never stopped telling stories, for he had learnt of the power a story can hold over someone. One day, if you are very lucky, and the Warlock loves you very much, he may tell you one of his stories.

A POEM FOR HER

The Warlock sat in his tower, writing prose poetry to please the delightful Princess, for the memory of her smile coursed warmth into his every vein. He pondered about the right words he might load into such a magazine. Have you ever felt like the world was ending because a girl walked out of the room? The Warlock loved words. Their shape, their feel, he was delighted by their touch. With love in his heart, he resolved only to pick the very finest words for Her Royal Highness. He polished each one and lashed them together but he was never pleased with project. It did not please him. Poetry was not his mtier. So he chose the words that would last forever. He wanted nice words for the Princess. He chose the words that made him smile forever and a day. The Princess had them over a goblet of wine. The Warlock sweat blood and tears, his magic drained from such a task. The Princess took these words from their platter. She read in silence and smiled. When she did, her face shone bright. At that moment, she was the kind of girl that songs are written about and wind and tides bow to. When she read, she smiled. And so did the Warlock.

THE DRAGON AND THE CAVE

In a time before things were sensible, there was the Princess who was always loved and very silly. She was the most beautiful and funny girl in all the land and lived in a castle. The castle had one room simply for holding bottles of liquids called 'a bar'. On the day before the Princess was to go on her magical quest, she went to the bar with her companion Vodka. While they sipped white wine and watched the birds fly southwards, they heard a noise coming from the floor. This was impossible because the bar was below even the dungeon in the lowest part of the castle. The Princess and Vodka scoured the floor until they found a loose tile. When they pried it off the floor they found a very large tunnel carved out which was lit with candles which burnt in every kind of colour there ever was, and some colours that there never were Grabbing their swords and cloaks, they descended into this tunnel. They weren't frightened by the rats, or the cockroaches, or the redheads that scurried in the ground When they had walked for ten minutes worth of an hour, they found an enormous cavern, of which fifty castles could easily have been fit into. Looking upwards, the Princess saw that the roof was made of ice and that they must be underneath the

Eternally Frozen Field of Rioting Taverns. The light hit the ice and sparkled the whole cavern a ghostly blue. "Observe, Princess!" cried Vodka, for she had spotted a large rope ladder for them to make their climb down. As they climbed, they saw the shadows of the ships which glided across the icy lake which made the ceiling. Though they were in an icy cavern, the two had unbuttoned their cloaks by the time they had reached the ground for it was very hot. They found out when they reached the ground why this was It was an enormous dragon sleeping, his wings folded around him snugly. He had shiny red scales and puffed smoke from his nostrils the size of air vents. He was shackled to the ground with giant manacles forged from the heat of a pizza oven. Dragons, as is well known, have terrific hearing and the Princess, while beautiful, was not very coordinated and her footsteps soon roused him from his great slumber. "Who goes there?" he cried, spitting out giant comets of burning ember, "and have you brought me anything to eat?" Though Vodka offered up the Princess as cowardly as she was (dragons tend to have this effect on people), the dragon laughed. "I am a Fire Dragon!" he roared, shaking the ground beneath their feet, "I only eat apple pies!" "Apple pies?" the Princess repeated, confused "I meant to say Nitrogen. I always get those two confused" They had no Nitrogen but they promised that if they returned with some, that the dragon should spare them from being burnt to a crisp. As they rested, the dragon explained why he was shackled. "I was once a great flying beast. That is why I was called Karl!" Karl tried to flap his mighty wings but they were burled up with ropes that had been stitched together in the heat of a pizza oven. "I was tricked to come here, long before you, Princess, were ever born! It was decreed that I had flown into too many towers and crash-landed, squashing too many cattle to be allowed to roam free. They threw in every box of Nitrogen they could find into this cavern and then they used magic to build an icy lake on top of it"

"Because dragons are almost immortal, they are very wise. The King decided to build a bar with a tunnel under it so that after he had consumed much wine he could have long conversations with me about the state of affairs and the meaning of life, bizarre sh*t like that. Y'know what I mean"

The Princess pondered for a solution and happened across a very happy one. She sent for the Warlock who magicked himself into the cavern, sensing her wish. The Princess whispered into his ear what sort of enchantment he must pull off. The Warlock raised his wand and said the magic words, which to this day are known only by the British Prime Minister, for reasons of which have been lost in time For a moment, the Dragon thought that the world was suddenly becoming much larger. His shackles seemed to grow so large that he easily slipped out of him and the ropes around his wings fell off. It took him almost a minute to realize that it was he who was shrinking. "What are you doing?" Karl growled but before he could get an answer, the Warlock had put away his wand. Karl had become just about the size of a fully-grown horse or a very baby giraffe. The Princess explained with one of those smiles which made men faint at the sight of her, "now you can fly around and cause no damage" With another spell, the Warlock opened a piece of the icy lake so that Karl could fly away. Karl loved to fly and the Princess loved to make people happy. "But what shall we do with this enormous cavern?" Vodka asked.

So from then on, whenever they were feeling bored or fed up with life, or whenever they just felt like getting away from it all, the Princess and the Warlock stole away from the kingdom and played in the cavern.

THE WITCH AND THE WARLOCK

1. THE UNDERWORLD

O help me Muse. Please give me the strength to tell me that story of the girl who was so brave that she had the courage to rescue her friends from the Witch of the Underworld, a wicked wench so woeful that she sought to steal the friends of the most beautiful lass in all the cosmos. Tell me that tale of ingenuity and loyalty, where cleverness was victorious and the odds became even. In the land before people spoiled the seeds of magic with their cynical words, there once lived a Princess

Smythe the Storyteller traveled the world in his youth, planting the seeds of magic across kingdoms of fire and rivers of song. He rode the Jiufeng across the East, learning from the Oriental gardeners how to plant and sprout these seeds. Smythe was taken across the desert planes of the Wild West, on wagons that were pulled by the mightiest stallions to have ever galloped the earth. It was here that he was given the title of the Warlock. The Warlock traveled up North on the backs of the DimplePink Polar Bears who told him jokes and caught him fish to eat. In the Northern reaches, he received a very queer smoking pipe that had been whittled by the finest woodcarvers of all time. When the Warlock had to go South into the Underworld, the great foulness where Evil bathes in filth and breeds the most terrible things. The Warlock buttoned his blue overcoat to his chin and found two sisters protecting the peace of the Kingdom of Hell. These sisters were Witches. A Witch will always be a woman. No one is quite sure why. As dwarves, ghouls, gnomes, agogwes and bunyips are always

male, a Witch is always female. The Carabosse was the younger sister and beautiful. She was thin and had long shiny hair and had a pleasant face, except for where most people had eyes, she had spheres made from rubies. The curious fact about these rubies is that they would change with the Carabosses mood. When she was happy, the rubies would glisten and sparkle to match her emotions. When the Carabosse was tired, the rubies took on a dull gleam to them. When the Carabosse flew into a rage, the rubies would dance with a fierce glimmer which seemed to pierce the souls of anyone who looked into them. This is why the Warlock decided that the seeds of magic should go to the Beldam, the Carabosses older sister by seven years. The Beldam was fat, and had a shriveled face rather like that of a prune and wore very plain and tweedy clothes. Despite this, she was never considered sinister because she had the warmest and kindest blue eyes that anyone had ever seen. They mellowed out any arguments just be looking. The Warlock saw how kind the Beldam was as a ruler and gave her the seeds of magic which thrived and rooted into Hell. For threescore year and ten, the land of Hell was a happy place. The Beldam and Carabosse both helped tend to the needs of the people, but the Carabosse soon grew jealous of how the Beldam was such a good mother of the land. The dwarves carved new tunnels for the hot landscape, whistling happily as they did so, basilisks scuttled about more politely and more of the Death Homunculus tribes began to act more respectful around the city guards. The Carabosse poisoned some brew for the Beldam, slipping hemlock into her chocolate teapot after one last supper. After the Carabosse had taken control from the cold fingers of her sister, she tried to reshape Hell to match her own wishes. The kingdom turned to ruin and withered into a lifeless wasteland, for the Carabosse had missed that while the Beldam had inspired fear, she had also inspired love, to her subjects. Friendless, the Carabosse turned into a tyrant and watched the world above, for the earth was a heaven to hell. With one ear, she listened carefully for any sign of the Warlock who might have the right words for her. As the days passed, the Carabosse grew even more beautiful while she became the greatest monster of all.

The Princess was celebrating for the crops of Cheerful Temper had been sown and it was the start of the holiday break, where no work had to be seen to, only the sunny

beaches needed to be occupied. Since it was such a successful season, the Princess of GEshi had decided that it must be a glorious party, with lots of drunken dancing and bad karaoke. She had taken cases of wine down into a secret cavern underneath the castle and invited her friends to join her. She got in with her handmaid Vodka so that they could decorate and having borrowed the Warlocks magic wand, she was able to lavishly furnish the cavern. There were balloons which not only floated but were full of a special sort of gas which changed colours every few seconds and glowed brightly enough that there were no need for candles. The town craftswomen had sewn together great streamers which the Princess had enchanted to slither around the ceiling as supple as a gymnasts ribbon. Finally, there were many buckets full of Scrumpy from the town well which had been charmed to be yummy. When the sun settled behind the tall mountain of Dylastabon, some people went to sleep so that they could play in their dreams, some stayed awake to get some reading done, but a select number from the kingdom snuck through the village in order to join the Princess. They each entered through a small trapdoor just below the castles playground. As the Princess was finished making mugs for the ale which sparkled whenever they were drank from, there was a tap-tap-tapping on the trapdoor, the sound of some sharp knuckles knocking. Howdy the Warlock climbed down into the cavern with a big box covered in red cellophane, I have brought you a present to match your hair. I had it brought all the way from Nobody-Nowhere to have it weaved and I hope you like it The Princess took the gift and opened it. Inside was a very long silver cape and hood. The Warlock helped her get it on and fixed the brooch around her neck. But it doesnt match my hair the Princess said, admiring it all the same from the reflection of a tall icicle, but its nice though Whisper a colour into the brooch the Warlock poured himself some ale, smugly watching his beloved take his suggestion. The Princess took the brooch on the cape and she spoke into the cool metal plate softly. The silver of the cape melted away and shimmered bright yellow. I thought you might like it the Warlock smiled. The Princess was about to answer him when there was another tap-tap-tapping at the trapdoor. This was from the sound of a very thin walking cane being banged against the door. Enchant in fell Lady Carlotta, the Tailor. Lady Carlotta was a long-suffering friend of the Princess, always making her new dresses, skirts, hats, ear muffs and

slippers. Carlotta had put on her best party dress, only slightly splattered with rum and gypsy tears. How do you do today? the Princess gave Carlotta a kiss, something that made the Warlock extremely jealous. Carlotta put down her walking stick and reached into her satchel, producing a pair of boots for the Princess that were as purple as the grapes used to make the castle wine. I love them the Princess tucked the laces under her feet rather than tie them up. She was then summoned to the trapdoor for her next guest. This time, it sounded more like a hoof pounding against the wood. When the Princess opened the trapdoor, a dragon head poked in, smoke pouring from his nostrils and his big, soft eyes blinking to adjust to the light. Good afternoon Karl growled as nicely as he could as he squeezed himself through the trapdoor. After much pulling of his scaly neck and scraping of the wings, the Princess was just able to pull in her favourite dragon friend. Do you have any-? Karl began but the Princess had anticipated his request and specifically gotten Vodka to fetch six canisters of liquid Nitrogen for him. Karl happily began to gorge himself while the Warlock chuckled softly as he heard a joke from Carlotta. The Princess changed the colour of her silky cape from yellow to sky blue, so to match the headband on Carlottas head and the overcoat over the Warlocks shoulders. So, what have we all been up to? the Princess asked. The Warlock took a ukulele from his coat and proudly tuned it. Ive been practicing the Warlock offered to pluck a tune but the trapdoor once again tap-tap-tapped. This time, it was from the flat foot of a wise woman. Yowzah dropped in Elder Detta, who did not look at all old. In fact, she only looked to be barely more than a young lass but in actuality, she had drunk from the Yddrstyng Waterfall at a time before fire had been discovered, and so from that moment on, had aged only a second for each day had passed. As Elder Detta was the final guest, the party began. Much drinking and games ensued, and indeed many drinking games were played. After everyone had taken in their fill of fun, the party sat in a circle and the Warlock played a song that he had composed himself.

O, dear Princess- we dearly love you, youre such a silly hoot Thank you very much for inviting us all around To your hidden ol playroom thats situated underground O dear Princess- we dearly love you, you are so very cute Youre our precious little dolly, and we played all of your games And this is from a Warlock, a Dragon, a Tailor and an elderly Dame

The Queen of Hearts is jealous of you, for youre kinder and much more pleasant to everybody, especially me As a lake might reflect the blue sky, you seem to mirror Nature herself in all of her beauty

O dear Princess- life can be tricky for all of us without you Youre pretty much the reason that I bother getting out of bed every day So try to put up with our shenanigans and please promise to stay O dear Princess- just promise us that whatever happens, youll do Whatever makes you happy and whatever makes you laugh Ill try my best to be with you forever, because you are completely daft

It was the sound of this song that slipped through the cracks in the cavern floor and fell to the ears of the Carabosse. The Carabosse drew herself to the cavern, appearing in a pink flash, narrowing her ruby eyes on the Princess. The Carabosse had grown jealous of how many friends the Princess had, and how they all liked her much more than anyone had ever liked the Carabosse. Who are you? the Princess demanded, drawing a dagger from her belt, as the Carabosse brought three small girls in gingham from under the hem of her dress. One was blonde, one brunette and one was a redhead. Im your worst nightmare the Carabosse smiled wickedly, and these three small girls she had brought had taken her friends. The blonde had grabbed the Warlock, the brunette had grabbed Karl and the redhead had taken Lady Carlotta

and Elder Detta. Wait! the Princess cried but in another pink flash, the Carabosse had vanished but she hadnt left on her own. The three girls, the Warlock, Karl, Lady Carlotta and Elder Detta had also vanished leaving the Princess all alone.

2. THE VILLAGE OF THE CATS

The Underworld is a humid place. It is made entirely of stone, and no trees grow green, for fire spits from cracks in the ground. Hades, Yama and Nergal take care of this Hell, for it is not so bad really, for those who inhabit it. Dwarves are the main workers, for they are stout fellows who do not mind the heat or the green trees, for they are creatures of tunnels and dirt. They have bushy beards and big eyes, with sharp claws for clawing out huge chunks of rock as easily as a spade goes through sand. It was here that the Carabosse had taken the Princesss friends, spiriting them to her fortress in the heart of the Underworld. Behind the walls of the impressive fortress, it was icy cold and the inner palace was made entirely from a glacier that had been hollowed out. The Carabosse apported into the palaces main court with her daughters and prisoners.

Take them away the Carabosse ordered the blonde, the brunette and the
redhead, and hide them where no one from the Above-Land would ever find them, but leave the Warlock with me These three girls, although not very big, were very strong. They dragged Karl the Dragon, Carlotta, the Tailor and Elder Detta away to places that were very hard to find. The Carabosse hung up the leather cloak from around her neck and hung it very carefully on a coat-stand that was made from a petrified ogre. She was very careful with the cloak, for it had belonged to the Beldam and contained the vestige in which she could channel her magic, much like the wand of the Warlock.

So the Carabosse said to the Warlock who stood perfectly still. The Witch
circled the Warlock suspiciously, like two cats meeting each other.

Nothing to say? Its been such a long time since we last met the Carabosse
dared not blink but it didnt even seem to phase her guest. The Warlock remained as mute as a stone but took his smoking pipe from his coat and a match which he lit against the sole of his boot. He sucked in the flame and glared at the Carabosse, but said not a word.

Wheres your magic wand? the captor asked her captive, I demand that you
empty your pockets! The Warlock raised an eyebrow but complied. He moved over to a table made of ice and coolly emptied the contents of his pockets. A brass pocket watch, a penknife, a ukulele and harmonica, two books of matches, a pouch of tobacco, a hipflask of Scrumpy, a salt-and-pepper shaker, a paperback novel, a toothbrush, a trowel, a letter from the Princess which he always kept with him, a handkerchief that had been monogrammed LW, a coil of string, a few silver doubloons, a bottle-opener made of solid gold and a daisy-chain fell onto the table for inspection, but nowhere was there a magic wand. The Carabosse checked every pocket of the Warlock but found nothing. The Warlock smiled at the Carabosse, his lips together and turned up, smoke puffing from his nose like Karls nose. It was eerie, for the Carabosse had always found the Warlock to be a chatty fellow, always being talkative and good with words. His silence unnerved her so she took him by the arm and locked him in her study.

Meanwhile, the Princess was beside herself in the cavern, with no friends, indeed no one at all, to console her. She had no idea who had kidnapped her friends or how to find them. With her new cape wrapped around her, she began to cry all alone. Her head sank low and tears began to fall freely.

Princess
The Princess bolted her head up and looked around but she saw no one. While her eyes may have picked up on nothing, she had ears which had heard the voice of someone familiar to her.

Princess Hello? the Princess stood up and called out but still there was no one but her

in the cavern.

Im here said the Warlocks voice, and the Princess realized that it was
coming from the brooch on her cape. She took off the cape and rubbed the metal on the brooch.

Where are you? Im in the Underworld said the brooch, a Witch called the Carabosse has
taken us down to hell. Before she did, I managed to give you my voice so that we could talk. I gave you something precious

I have to go down and get you! the Princess wiped her eyes, how do I get to
you?

It is a very long and dangerous journey the Warlocks voice warned her, and
it will not be easy

I dont care the Princess put on her cape and fastened it tightly around her,
what must I do?

You must go to the Village of the Cats the Warlocks voice instructed, and
they will tell you what you need to do

How will I find them? the Princess began climbing out of the cavern and onto
the surface. It was a cloudless night and a full moon so she was able to move about without the need of a lantern.

You still have my wand the Warlocks voice said, it will be trying to find me.
It will take you where you need to go. Trust the magic The Princess took her reindeer Comet from the castle stables and though he was bothered at being woken from his slumber, he understood that the Princess needed him. The Princess saddled him and off into the night, she rode the reindeer while the Warlocks magic wand took her to the Village of the Cats.

Cant you go any faster? the Princess pleaded for though Comet was dashing
through the countryside, she was anxious about her friends. The Warlocks wand seemed to tug in the Princesss hand, trying to tell her something. The Princess halfheartedly gave it a wave and a great wave of weightlessness took the reindeer and the girl. They flew off into the night, determined to rescue her friends.

The Village of the Cats sits on the very outskirts of Worlds End. It is a port town, but

often subjected to raids from the pirates who happen to be dogs. The Feline Guards all swear oaths to protect their shiny bits of string and catnip hoards before they put on their tiny hats and coats. It was three days before the Princess reached the Village of the Cats but the Village Elders had already been waiting for her, having smelt a newcomer approaching. Two tabby cats stood to greet this new arrival. It was nearly sunset when Comet touched down upon the ground and the Princess dismounted, quite tired. She had very little to eat or drink, and spent little time sleeping, but she was invigorated by the Warlocks voice which had been telling her jokes and comforting her, speaking through her brooch.

Greetings a ginger tomcat as round as could be did a bow as best he could to

the Princess, I am Hobbes. Our scouts saw you coming so we decided to give you our warmest welcome. We are a modest herd but we are indeed, the Practical Cats and we invite you to dine with us

Greetings, Hobbes the Princess curtsied, I am the Princess of GEshi Let us take your reindeer for some rest and relaxation offered Hobbes,
nodding to a Burmese and a Persian who took Comet to a field for him to graze. The two then walked into the village where the Princess was followed by a litter that saw what a kind face this stranger had. The Princess was taken to the village tent which had to have one wall removed as there was no way she could fit in through the door. Inside were housecats happily making supper.

Please, join us Hobbes offered the Princess the comfiest cushion and then
curled up on her lap. The Princess felt Hobbes purr so she scratched his tummy gently.

We havent had many visitors of your kind here since the Last of the CatLadies died out Hobbes wriggled slowly, unfolding himself as if he were a squishy pillow, but we liked how they smelled, of whisky and kippers. Oh, heres supper A Ragdoll and a Siamese brought over two trays of tuna fish pasta and milk. After three days of eating nothing but berries and wild fruit, the Princess was very hungry and the food did taste excellent.

What a treat! Hobbes cried as he licked his bowl clean, now, how can we
help you?

Im on a quest

Naturally To the Underworld Ah Hobbes grunted, I see. Why? My friends are down there. They were taken by a Witch called the Carabosse Can you help? Why dont you rest? You seem tired Hobbes suggested, the Underworld is a
very tricky place to get to

Well reluctantly, the Princess agreed that she needed to sleep. She had
been manic to get to her friends but it was tiring for her and Comet both. She rested her head and as she began to fall asleep, Hobbes meowed her one bedtime story very dear to him.

When you have important matters Its best to leave them to Felis Catus One tale we tell to our newest recruits Is about that eternal trickster, Puss in Boots His nine lives were so epic and schway That even the Marquis of Perault would say

Puss in Boots! Why, what a furry chap! Catching birds for a feather in his cap

A miller lived in the slums of market town But his three sons never wore a frown They toddled off, as happy boys Though the miller could never afford them toys When the miller died, his work was done His things bequeathed, he gave each son The eldest, Tom, the entire mill

So that the town had flour still To Dick, the middle child and fool Was left the loyal family mule To the youngest, Harry, twas was given a cat Who donned his masters boots and hat And then, with an almighty sneeze

Call me Puss in Boots, if you please!

Puss was a good ol friend And Harry was at his own dead end So Puss decided to set things right He poached a bunny in the dead of night A rabbit so fluffy and fat He barely fit on the Marquis mat

Oh Marquis! Puss cried so thunderous and loud What gift is this? the Marquis wowed
The bunny made for an excellent pie And its fur was very warm and dry The next day, Puss bestowed a pheasant A tender bird, so tasty and pleasant And so, for the next half a year Every day, and with great care Puss brought the Marquis a loving gift Always polite, genial and swift Through the actions of this clever kitten The Marquis daughter, Lucy was smitten With Harry, though she never thought it That this fellow was a monumental twit!

And oh! So clever was Pusss game That he never gave the two Harrys name Instead Puss called him the Honourable Count Paw When he left gifts at the Marquis door (Can you spot the pun? I can see two Maybe the kittys cleverer than you)

When dear Lucy turned seventeen The Marquis was intensely keen For her to find a man to marry A generous man, a fellow like Harry! But he wore such boring rags with such plain trim That Lucy would scoff at the sight of him And so Puss was in a tight shave But then he had his best brainwave And put his sneaky plan to work His whiskers placed into a smirk

Harry, you look like you could use a splash Youre beginning to smell like yesterdays trash
So Harry nipped off to the lake And Puss in Boots followed in his wake And while Harry washed his hairy toes Puss stole off with Harrys clothes! (This bit of the tale is a little rude For Harry was left in the nude) A royal coach passed by the stream Which stopped for Puss in Boots did scream

My masters clothes; they have been thieved! They were the finest garments ever weaved! Its Count Paw- oh, do please be kind! Hes a marvelous fellow, I think youll find
The Marquis of Perault left his coach And to weeping Puss, he did fast approach

Count Paw? By grace, well give him a hand!

And the Marquis lent Harry the finest clothes in the land The Marquis and Harry returned and sat side-by-side In the coach, with Lucy, surely a fine bride Lucy and Harry looked into each others eyes That special love between gals and guys But Puss was in no mood to rest For his next con was to be his best

A little way down the less-traveled road Lay the enormous Castle Woad And in it, lay the horrible danger Of the beastly Oger, a great skin-changer Who could, at will, morph his shape From the tiniest ant to the heaviest ape Oger was not fond of guests So when Puss walked in, he was quite the pest

What are you doing here? Oger gave his fiercest roar
And shifted into a husky boar He chased Puss around the place Changing into a hyena with an ugly face

You dont scare me! said Puss in Boots

Thats just a party trick for hoots! Youre just an ornament around the house! I bet you couldnt change into a mouse! Oh really?! Oger sneered at the cat We shall have to see about that!
But of course, it was a swindle, a trick And Oger turned to a rodent lickety-split And in three bites, Oger, in his form so small Was eaten up by Puss, nothing left at all CRUNCH-CRUNCH-CRUNCH

Puss got the Marquis to drive his coach to Woad It was an easy journey that was lightly rode And Puss told Harry, and the Marquis Of course, there was the gorgeous Lucy

Look at my masters home! No greater place in all of Rome! Count Paw lives here! Now tell your carriage
To bring back the things necessary for a marriage! Puss passed off Ogers castle as owned by Harry A successful ploy- for the two young lovers did marry And lived happily ever after, but what about Puss in Boots? Well there have been many disputes Some say he stayed and lived out his days in style Some say he vanquished rapscallions so vile Wherever he is, this tale must be strung For this is one cat whos got your tongue

3. THE LOOKING-GLASS CAT-FLAP

When the Princess awoke, she was still in the village tent at the Village of the Cats. She had dreamt of being back at home in her castle, with all of her friends beside her. Hobbes was cleaning himself and then brushed against the Princesss leg.

Come outside he beckoned to her. They left to find that it was a rather
cloudy day, the sky spotted with rainclouds. They walked through the village which was full of dozing kittens wriggling about in the grass.

Where are we going? the Princess asked, tightening the hood on her cape as
there was a definite chill in the air.

We are going to see the Village Idiot Hobbes declared, for when you entrust
someone with the gateway to the Underworld, it is best to give it to someone who could never get ideas about what to do with it

What about Comet? Your reindeer? Im afraid youll have to go without him. He wont fit. Here we
are They had arrived at the only cottage in the village. It had several locked doors, most of them set at rather odd angles. Hobbes pawed at the door until he heard something rustling inside. Slowly, the locks were undone and the door opened and out fell a very cuddly blonde cat with a jolly round face and big goofy eyes.

Hello the cat said, trying to get the dust from his coat with a piece of cloth,
would you care for a cup of liver-cake and a slice of tea?

This is Charlie, the Village Idiot Hobbes introduced, this is the Princess of
GEshi. She would like to go to the Underworld

You should come in then Charlie led them inside, his stumpy tail wagging
furiously. Inside the cottage were a lot of broken things which sat crookedly on crooked shelves.

Im sorry this couldnt be cleaner Charlie scratched his ears, I cant find a
broom. Ah, here it is In the centre of the room sat something tall covered in a shabby blanket. Charlie pulled off the blanket to reveal a very large square mirror.

This is the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap Charlie petted it rather proudly, now Ill
just get the things you need to go through it As Charlie scurried about collecting things, the Princess could see nothing so unusual about the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap that made it any different from a normal mirror until she touched it with her fingertips. Unlike a normal mirror which is almost always very cold to the touch, the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap was as warm as a fresh pot of tea. The Princess changed the colour of her cape to blue and admired it in the mirror. Her reflection smiled back at her, except that her reflection didnt blink enough.

Okay Charlie had on a sorcerers hat, a tall shiny purple cone made of velvet,
decorated with stars. He proceeded to throw dust over the Princesss head and sing the incantation loudly-

Down you go! Down to the Wonders! You are now leaving Unus Mundus! Once youve Danced amongst the Dead! Dont forget what Shaitan said!

Your every hope will be unfurled

When you set foot in Underworld! So be certain you want to roam! For you may never make it home! Through the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap!

Gurgle! Sizzle! Crackle! Zap!

As Charlie finished the incantation, the Princess began to feel very strange. She usually had that feeling after finishing bottles of white wine.

Move towards the mirror Charlie instructed. Good luck Hobbes wished. Here I go the Princess said.
The Princess wobbled over to the mirror. She wasnt at all frightened by the mirror, even though the reflection in it seemed to be acting strangely. The Princess took one last breath and then leapt at the mirror. There was a strange sensation as she fell through her reflection and came out in the Underworld.

The Warlock sat in the Carabosses study, patiently waiting in silence for the Princess to rescue them. He was locked in the tallest tower in the Underworld. It was quite boring after he had looked for all possible ways of escape. He was confident that the Princess would be on her way, but the Warlock was restless. He didnt know what was happening to Carlotta, Elder Detta or Karl and that was worrying him. Even without his wand, the Warlock was a resourceful man but the locks were held together with the Beldams magic and without his wand, the Warlock couldnt undo them. To try and take his mind off of what was happening to his fellow prisoners, he took a stack of parchment, a fresh bottle of ink and a quill. With careful precision, he dipped the quill into the ink and then wrote the title which was blue and shiny with the wet ink. The Warlock was very careful not to spill a single drop of ink onto the parchment, and wrote in his long scrawling handwriting. He blew on it and read it very quietly under his breath. Then he dipped his quill into the ink again, and began carefully writing some more.

The Princess, having successfully made it through the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap, looked around at where she was. She had fallen into a room quite like Charlies cottage, except somehow it seemed wrong. Everything seemed to have swapped sides. The bookshelves with the leaning shelves had moved from the left to the right. The window which had a pane of glass which fitted poorly had moved to the other side of

the door. Everything seemed just a little bit darker too, just enough to seem odd and uncanny.

Dont scream
The Princess turned around quickly to see who had spoken and she laid her sparkling eyes on someone who looked extremely familiar. She stood up and got faceto-face with this person and they were exactly the same height. They were wearing the same clothes, complete to the shoelaces tucked into the purple boots. They looked exactly the same, except that the Princess had her fringe slightly to the right, while her doppelganger had her fringe slightly to the left.

Who the Princess managed to get that much out of her mouth. It was
daunting being confronted by the ultimate second pea in her pod. They were not just cut from the same cloth, but the same cut as well.

Im the Other Princess, the Princess in the Mirror. You can call me Echo the
Princesss reflection said and held out her hand to shake the Princesss hand. The two shook hands but it felt awkward, like shaking your own hand.

What are you? Why do you look like me? the Princess walked around Echo,
noting that she looked extremely pretty from the back of the head. Echo adjusted the hood on her cape while she talked.

Youre in the Underworld Echo said, her eyes following the Princess,
remember back in Unus Mundus, the other side of the Cat-Flap, the Above-Land, and you saw your reflection? That was me. Everyone who looks into the shine of the Cat-Flap has an Echo, waiting to tell them to go back, to leave the Underworld. This is not the world you belong to

I have to go further the Princess said, changing her cape to green so that
Echo had a blue cape while she had a green cape, my friends have been taken by a Witch called the Carabosse. I need to find them. Is the rest of the Underworld like a reflection of the Above-Land?

Just this room to acclimatize new arrivals Echo opened the door to reveal a
deep fiery chasm hewn from mortar which smelled like brimstone and dead ash, the rest of the Underworld could do with a bit of spring cleaning

Youve got to come with me the Princess looked out at the vast space, unsure
of where was safe to go, you have to help me. I need someone who knows about this place

I cant Echo said, sincerely regretful, it is the sacred duty of the Echo to stay
in the Underworld Antechamber and wait for their Familiar to greet them and since the Cat-Flap has been used to reach the Underworld, the Echos have obeyed this duty-

Oh, screw it the Princess grabbed Echos hand and dragged her out into the
Underworld.

The Underworld is a warped and twisted place. Clouds hang over the sky but there is never any rain. Creatures that have grown in the cold darkness slither about, like the seven-toed Goblins and the Vampire Congress. It is no place for a good girl, or a princess. The Princess of GEshi and Echo wandered the cobblestone streets under the shadows of buildings that could only have been held together with dark magic. The Princess and Echo kept their hoods up but linked arms, in fear of losing one another.

Where do we go? Echo asked the Princess when they ducked into a grubby
alley. It was a truly filthy alleyway with many bones and piles of ret in one pile and smelled revolting. The Princess checked the magic wand and found that they needed to go further south to find the Warlock.

Howdy said a voice. The two girls turned around to see that the bones in the
alley had assembled themselves into a very tall skeleton, as tall as a man and infinitely more menacing. With fleshless teeth he smiled malevolently at the pair. He had put himself together in front of the street, trapping the Princess and Echo between him and an impossibly tall wall.

May I offer you some help? the skeleton asked, lumbering towards them, and
he didnt ask in a nice way.

Were fine! said Echo nervously, but the skeleton still came towards them. He
had a mean look in his eye sockets, for indeed he no longer had any eyes to look mean with.

If youre lost the skeletons teeth chipped against each other as he spoke and
made a chattering sound, then I can surely help you for I know this Underworld like the bones on the back of my hand. Of course, Ill be wanting payment in advance

And what is payment? the Princess asked boldly, never one to be intimidated
by someone with no brains. She was quite cross already from the journey she had

been forced to make and was sorely missing her friends and was in no mood for skeletons.

Why, I want a friend, a skeleton friend the skeleton held his palms over his
eye sockets and pretended to weep, and I think Ill take one of you! Quick as a flash, The Princess took the magic wand, mumbled something she thought shed once heard the Warlock say, and pointed the wand at the skeleton whose body began to turn to dust, leaving just a skull sitting on a mound of sand.

Nice going Echo clapped the Princesss hand, where did you learn that? Cooking class with the Warlock the Princess bent over and picked up the
skeletons skull.

Please dont hurt me! the skull pleaded, I didnt mean- well, I wouldnt haveoh, just let me go!

Whats your name? the Princess held the skull up as high as she could
which made the skull very scared indeed.

Yorick! the skull yelped, please dont drop me! Im so sorry! Now then, Yorick the Princess held the skull with her left hand and placed
the magic wand back into her belt with her right hand, tell me, if you know the Underworld so well, you can tell me how to get to the Carabosse

Who? Yorick shivered, I dont know of anyone with that name! Youll never get ahead if you play dumb the Princess shook him like a Magic
8 Ball, tell me before I throw you into a basketball hoop

Okay! Okay! that put the fear into poor Yorick, go to the Tartarus Twichell
at the end of the road and itll take you to the River Styx. Pay the ferryman two obols per passenger and hell take you down to Gehenna. Walk for about half a mile towards the Naraka Gulf. There youll find the Carabosses palace!

Isnt it just the one obol? Echo asked. Theyre adjusting for inflation in the current economic climate Yorick
explained, thirteen years ago it might have been different

Dont tell anyone were looking for the Carabosse the Princess said, and
throwing not so well, she did an underhand toss with poor Yoricks skull into one of the lakes filled with lava where he was swept away with the tide.

Shouldnt we have just left him to find new bones? Echo asked as she tried
to keep up with the Princesss quick pace.

Well the way I see it, weve already given him a headstart

4. THE ICE PALACE

It took a day and a night for the Princess and Echo to make it to the Carabosses palace, even with Yoricks instructions, but they finally made it to the Naraka Gulf which was a little less humid, to the point that there were even some weeds which didnt look as dry and thirsty poking through the ground, unlike the crackly thistles which seemed to grow everywhere else in the Underworld. When the Princess first saw the Carabosses palace from the distance, her mind reeled at the sight of it. It was as tall as a mountain, though only about as wide as a house, and it was quite curvy and squiggly like a piece of wire that a child has played with. The palace seemed to be made of huge cool glass but it was actually made of ice which never seemed to melt. Even the high walls which were for keeping out intruders were entirely made from blocks of ice.

It makes me need some water just thinking about it Echo noted while the
Princess looked for a way into the palace without being noticed.

I still wont know where my friends are and there are four of them mused the
Princess, searching is going to take time

What do we do? Echo asked, looking at the Princess. It was then that the
Princess had her bright idea of how to rescue the Warlock, Carlotta, Elder Detta and Karl.

The Carabosse sat on her throne, looking beautiful and unhappy. With her eyelids

over the rubies, there was nothing to suggest that she was anything more than a rather pretty young lady. She was unhappy because she had deprived the Princess of her friends, for if the Princess was as beautiful as the Carabosse, why should she deserve friends more than the Carabosse? Still, it didnt give her the satisfaction she had really wanted. She even wished sometimes that she had the Beldam to talk to.

Excuse me madam said one of her guards arriving very quickly into the
palace court, the Princess of GEshi is at the gates

What?! roared the Carabosse, snapping open her ruby-eyes and spitting
furiously onto the floor, how did she get here?! By magic?!

We dont know madam the guard said meekly, hoping that he would not be
unlucky enough to be beheaded or tortured for insolence, but what shall we do?

Bring her to me! the Carabosse stamped her foot furiously, outraged that the
Princess could have survived the perilous journey, now! Make sure that every guard is here! She must not escape! It took a long time but eventually every guard had arrived in the palace court. It was clear that the girl in shackles was the Princess. Her beauty was practically unmistakable.

So, you are here for your friends? the Carabosse did not rise from her throne
but simply shouted at her guest from across the room, did you really think that you could rescue them in my land? Answer! It was a bold move but the Princess made no move at all in that court. The room was tense with awkwardness. When the Carabosse did not hear an answer, she flew into another rage and decided to rant, for ranting was one of her favourite activities.

Throw her into the dungeon! She can rot away there! Has everyone from the
Above-Land lost their voice?! First the Warlock and now you?! Perhaps you simply desire that I will never get the satisfaction! You would be wrong! Take the Princess away and throw her in a cell with the Tailor! The guards grabbed her by her blue cape and took her away.

Carlotta had been waiting in her cell for days, hoping that she would be rescued. The dungeon she was in resembled a dungeon she had once been kept captive in by the

evil Overlord Listre. It was rather dark, with rusty ornate chains hanging from the ceiling. There was nothing of comfort in the cell for Carlotta, for the Carabosse did not believe in comfort for prisoners. She had been given a lumpy mattress and a blanket, and a window just big enough to look out of, so she could see how impossible it was to escape. In spite of this, she remained hopeful. The dungeon guard Goth had brought her bread and water three times a day but Carlotta had begun talking to him more and more, for Goths only ward was the Tailor and it was his job every day to stand guard by the door. She soon had him bringing her bars of chocolate or cases of vintage wine, and in return she would mend some of his clothes or tell inappropriate jokes. Goth lived alone and enjoyed Carlottas company but he never let the ring of keys around his belt ever loose. However, through the iron bars of the cell, Carlotta and Goth fell in love. It had almost been a week when Goth brought Carlotta a bottle of wine from the Carabosses own private cabinet. He had been summoned to the palace court but quickly returned. Goth knew a good thing when he saw one and poured two generous schooners of the wine.

Is that a new hat I see? Carlotta jested, referring to the deerstalker hat sitting
on Goths head which she had sewn for him the day before. It wasnt strictly uniform regulation but Goth wore it proudly.

Indeed Chin-chin the two clinked glasses and drank. They had just finished their
glasses when two guards marched in carrying a girl.

Open another cell, Goth one of the guards ordered, making Goth feel inferior,
you have to take care of this one too

Princess! Carlotta moved to the bars which divided her cell with the one to her
right, the one in which the guards threw the caped crusader into, are you okay? The guards, after making sure Goth had locked the doors, left to perform their other duties. After making sure they were alone, Carlotta was told the truth.

I am not the Princess Echo said, Im herher twin. Call me Echo Okay? Carlotta was unsure of this explanation, but where is the Princess of
GEshi?

Shes breaking in now Echo explained, but she needed a distraction so I was
the perfect decoy, someone who literally looked exactly like her, while she snuck through the back wall. While all the guards were away, she should have gotten in and by now, is probably trying to find us. She hasnt forgotten about you guys

As it turned into what the Underworld considered to be night, Echo slept to try and rest herself from her harrowing journey while Carlotta and Goth stayed up talking.

I have something that I want to say to you Goth said, holding Carlottas hand
through the bars, I know weve known each other less than a week but I feel like Ive known you for my whole life. I think youre the most fantastic girl Ive ever met and youre a dreamboat to me. What Im saying is, well, this is it I supposeI love you Carlotta It was at this moment that the Princess appeared behind Goth and struck him over the head with an empty bottle of wine and smashed it against the back of his head. Goth was knocked out and fell to the floor unconscious.

Howdy Why did you do that? Carlotta asked hysterically as the Princess tried to get
the keys from Goths belt, we were talking!

I came in through one of the secret passages in the dining room the Princess
whipped out the magic wand and sliced the keys off of the belt, and came straight here. I heard some guards talking about the dungeon and a Tailor and a Princess so I dashed here. This place is pretty much a maze, but less fun. Ive been in five chambers trying to find you

If you had the magic wand Carlotta asked as the Princess struggled with the
lock, why didnt you just bewitch Goth to fall asleep?

Ive had a stressful few days the Princess said darkly, opening the cell door,
now Ill get Echo and then weve got to go

No No? Were taking Goth with us Carlotta knelt to Goths unconscious frame and
lightly slapped his face trying to rouse him, Im not leaving him

We dont have time for this! the Princess had finally gotten Echos door open

and the two stood side-by-side, confusing Carlotta greatly.

Im not leaving him Carlotta said, her tone indicating that it was the end of
the discussion. Though employed by the Carabosse, the Princess could see that this guard Goth clearly meant a lot to Carlotta. With a sigh, she flicked the magic wand and a few sparks danced under the mans nose, getting him to sneeze and sit up. He was looking more alert than ever.

We dont have much time the Princess said to Goth as he brushed himself
down, the secret passage has been opened and itll be obvious that someones used it. The Carabosse will soon know. Help me find my friends Goth was unsure at first but looking into Carlottas eyes, he said what he knew:

Your friends are alive, but because they were more dangerous, the Carabosse
has her three daughters guarding them

Why am I not dangerous? Carlotta asked indignantly, but no one in the room
dared to answer her.

All of the daughters have magic Goth pressed on, they have magictiaras.
Look, it wasnt my idea

We havent a moment to lose the Princess took her friends out into the
corridor, whos closest?

The young woman- Elder Detta, was it? Shes being held in the most closely
guarded room in the whole palace

Oh damn the Princess hastened her pace, okay, which way to the pantry? No, shes in the treasury That was my next guess

5. TRUNCHBULL

The Carabosses treasury was a chamber piled high with valuable loot that had been plundered from various towns. For a long while, the Carabosse had employed the dog pirates to ransack whole villages for anything that could be interesting, and they returned with rubies, sapphires, great works of art and vintage wines. To protect her stolen goods, the Carabosse had put her youngest daughter Trunchbull in charge of the treasury. Guards were placed outside the door and were never allowed to leave, not even for Christmas. Trunchbull spent her days inside, watching over her mothers treasure and also, a large square cage in which a girl who looked no older than seventeen who called herself Elder Detta. To amuse herself, the Trunchbull used the magic tiara that sat on her squashed blond head to induce a state of fear with Elder Detta. Trunchbull knew all about fear, having been the youngest daughter of three and bullied by her two evil sisters. Elder Detta waited like Carlotta did, in hope that the Princess would soon come to save them, but she had been waiting in fear. Trunchbull had made all manner of evil creatures appear to Detta, things that would terrify anyone. One day Trunchbull had made giant rats from Sumatra which were as large as horses and could whip fire from their long tails and these rats pushed their noses against Dettas cage, pawing at her as if she were the last lolly in a bag. Another day Trunchbull would use her magic to create dentists who would shine bright lights at Detta and sharpen their drills.

This was nothing, for Trunchbulls favourite avatar was Dettas own parents who would scold and yell at her. As Detta grew more afraid, more powerful did the illusions become.

The Princess and her companions gathered just below the steps that led to the treasury and ready to put their plans into action. Goth had snuck down to the kitchens while Carlotta had visited the potion cupboard.

Ready? Ready
Goth brought over a tray of cider for the six guards at the door for refreshment. Goth only pretended to drink, for the cider was laced with a sleeping potion and as soon as the cider had touched their lips, the guards fell straight away to dreamland.

Excellent work the Princess shook Goths hand and walked over to the
treasury door. Goth took Carlottas hands into his own and looked her in the eye.

Carlotta Goth said to his beloved, I know that we havent known each other
long, but I need to tell you this. You change me, my world and you make me smile and if anyone was going to change anything in the world, I cannot think of any way better than by making someone smile-

Shift! Echo yelled at them as the two were blocking the doorway. The four
heroes fell into the treasury. Elder Dettas face lit up as she saw her friends, though slightly confused about why there were two Princesses.

What do you want Trunchbull said, even though it was meant to be a

question, I would like you to get out. Im busy

Excuse me- Im the Princess, Keeper of the Legacy of GEshi, Defender of the
Use of Magic, Drinking Enthusiast, Protector of Friends. Youve got someone in a cage whos a very good pal of mine. Id like her back the Princess drew her magic wand and held it proudly betwixt her fingers, everyone please pay attention because I will not be casting this spell again

We can both use magic so let us settle this with magic Trunchbull crunched
and she used her tiara to create a nightmare for each of her opponents. To Goth, she made a killer clown nine feet tall and wielding a breadknife which he held between his teeth. To Carlotta, Trunchbull forged a bat which had attacked her when Carlotta

had entered its nest as a little girl. To Echo, she produced a monstrous cloudy figure, swathed in black robes- the Grim Reaper. Trunchbull took a moment before conjuring up a great furry brown creature the size of a cow, with eight long spindly legs which twitched and eyes that looked like pools of oil and quivered in the worst way- it was a gigantic spider. These horrible grotesque nightmares began to approach the four who rushed to the door but it wouldnt open for them. Even though they drew no closer, it was clear that their nightmares were coming for them. Panic struck the four until the Princess noticed that she could only see these horrid things from the corner of her eye.

Everyone, look! Why? Echo cried, scratching against the door with her fingernails. Justdo it the Princess ordered, look at them! Really focus! There is nothing
to fear but fear itself! Indeed, when they faced their nightmares, there was nothing there but air.

They were just as scary as we made them the Princess smugly grinned and
poked out her tongue at Trunchbull, there are things to be scared of in this world. Liver failure, cooking fires, and maybe dentists, but nightmares have no horror in them if we dont let them. Everybody stand back and close your eyes! Trunchbull was now getting rather scared, for the four heroes had sapped her of any strength in her magic. The Princess whispered seven words and swished the magic wand at the blond witch.

POP-POP-POP

When Carlotta, Goth and Echo opened their eyes, Trunchbull had disappeared. The Princess had cast a very fierce spell on her which had splintered Trunchbull across time and space. Trunchbull would forever have to live under the bed and in the closets of children, trying to frighten them to give herself any sort of form. Trunchbull became the bogeyman.

Why didnt the nightmares affect you as much as they affected us? Goth
asked as he unlocked Elder Dettas cage, because they were pretty terrifying. They gave me sixty-two goosebumps

The Princess gave Elder Detta the hug of her life, an embrace so tight it induced claustrophobia in both of them.

It wasnt my worst fear the Princess guessed but the Tailor had already
worked it out. Carlotta softly chuckled ah, who else?

6. SLUGWORTH

The Princess arose from her comfortable bed and stretched, basking in the morning light that was pouring through her window.

Good morning. What an odd dream I had she said to Vodka the handmaiden
who had brought her a breakfast tray, which was the breakfast of champions- freshly plucked strawberries and cream.

What about, miss? Vodka asked as she waited on her mistress, laying out a
pair of purple boots and a dress.

I the Princess took a moment to collect her thoughts, I had a dream that
Karl, the Warlock, Carlotta, and Elder Detta had been taken into the Underworld bya witch

No witchcraft around here, miss Vodka smiled, just look out of your window
and see The Princess dressed and took in the view from her window. It was another warm day in GEshi, with children playing and boats sailing.

Where are my friends now? the Princess asked as she tucked her bootlaces
into her boots instead of tying them properly.

At home, I should imagine Vodka tidied the Princesss collection of glass jars,
I could send for them if you wish, summon them to the castle grounds

Yes- wait, no the Princess couldnt shake the feeling that something wasnt
quite right, go to Karls cave. If hes asleep, do not disturb him. If he is awake, tell

him to meet me by the stables

Very good, miss Vodka gave a polite curtsey and left. The Princess put on her
green cape and changed the colour to purple which she rather liked. As she walked down to the stables, she still felt as if there was something that she wasnt remembering, as if she had forgotten something terribly important to do. The stables, which housed all manner of steeds, were delighted to see their pal Karl do his funny fire tricks. The Princess smiled pleasantly at Karl, as if she hadnt seen him in weeks.

Everything okay? Karl noted as the Princess fed her reindeer, you dont look
like yourself

I just the Princess fingered the brooch around her cape, I dont know. I
must have drunk too much cider last night She smiled and the sight of a smiling princess was easily enough to make Karl smile too.

May we fly somewhere? the Princess asked, brushing the hay from her hands,
if youve got something else to do-

Anywhere Karl kneeled so that the Princess could mount his back, is this
important?

Take me to the West Lakes. I want to see Carlotta for a social call okay Karl flapped his mighty wings and started running, gaining speed
which whipped through the Princesss long hair, before they became airborne and into the sky.

Look dear Carlotta pointed to the sky as she swung on the patio hammock, we
have a visitor Before her beloved could say anything, Carlotta pulled him into the hammock too and they kissed like an old married couple still very much in love, or a young couple who shared a love which felt that it had existed all their lives.

Hello Carlotta the Princess jumped off her dragon and did her friendship
handshake with the Tailor, hello Goth. Are you doing much?

Maybe go for a swim later Carlotta held Goths hand tightly, Ill drag him in

if I have to

You know I dont swim. Is something the matter? Goth asked the Princess as
she was squinting curiously at him.

Im not sure the Princess smacked her head to shake the uneasiness out of
her mind, youthats not rightnever mind. I just woke up strange

Theres a change Karl hollered sarcastically from the lake as he tried to catch
a fish with his mighty jaws. The West Lakes had beautiful schools of fish which learnt quickly how to jump high out of the water and do marvelous tricks, before being snatched up by hungry birds and one dragon.

Can we take a walk to Elder Dettas gingerbread house? I want totell her
something the Princess asked but Carlotta raised an eyebrow.

Nows your chance Carlotta nodded at Detta who was fast hobbling up the
path to Carlottas cottage, how are we doing today?

I didnt sleep very well last night Detta complained, when youve lived as
long as I have, your bones and joints start to creak. I feel all stiff, like Ive been shut in a box and left there

Babe, go give her a massage Carlotta said to Goth, but not like the ones you
give me

Right the Princess took that as her turn to raise an eyebrow, has anyone
seen the Warlock?

II cant even remember the last time I saw him Detta rubbed her chin, hes
probably out somewhere and he loves you so he shant be away for long

Its just the Princess felt in her belt that there was his magic wand, I have
his magic wand and he probably wants it returned. I should probably give it back to him. Thats what I was forgetting! As she said that, the Princess wasnt entirely convinced. She knew there was something else on her mind that she must remember.

Shall we go and have some brunch? Carlotta asked, I made scones I made scones! Goth protested, you hung around the kitchen and hid things Okay- we made scones Carlotta shrugged, same difference, really
So the Princess, Carlotta, Goth and Elder Detta went inside the cottage and had

freshly baked scones. Goth even found some liquid nitrogen canisters for Karl. They spent the morning inside chatting and in the afternoon they took a stroll around the Wimple Woods. All day the Princess had something in her mind bothering her, tugging at her, and she kept trying to shut out that nagging thought. At last, evening came and Karl took the Princess back to the castle. In her room, the Princess rang a silver bell for Vodka to join her.

I want you to get all the Kings men to search the kingdom the Princess
instructed, tear apart the world but I want you to find the Warlock

Maam? Vodka found the order most unusual. Just do it the Princess waved her hand for Vodka to leave the room.

Six days went by and every day was a sheer paradise for the Princess and her friends; everything idyllic and peaceful. Everything seemed to be going their way and they were enjoying themselves immensely, but as she retired to bed each night, the Princess summoned Vodka and each night, Vodka had no news for the Princess. The Princess missed her friend, with his blue overcoat and his magic tricks and his absence made her grow fonder of him until on the seventh night, Vodka waddled up to the Princess with a gleeful spark in her eye.

The Warlock is in the drawing room to see you the haidmaid exclaimed, shall
I wait for you?

No, goodnight Vodka the Princess threw on her dressing gown and fluffy
slippers and ran to the drawing room to see her friend. When she opened the door, he looked exactly as she remembered him. His coat even had the collar upturned and his boots black and dusty.

I missed you the Princess threw a hug at the Warlock, but it didnt feel quite
right.

Yep, I missed you too the Warlock nodded, whats up, physicist? Are you okay? the Princess asked as she stood by the fireplace, you sound
different

You sound awesome for though a sound can be lost in the darkness, it can
never be lost forever the man in the blue overcoat said, tapping his temple. The Princess drew the hot poker from the fire and held the tip of it less than a fingernails

width from the mans nose.

You dont sound different the Princess said, your words are differently. You
dont have the same voice that you used to. Youre wrong

I assure you that I am the Warlock he said, folding his arms, I gave you that
wand, remember?

No you didnt the Princess hissed, whatever you are, if youve hurt my friend
then I will not let you go unpunished. I will find him if it takes me the rest of my life. What have you done to him?

I am the Warlock! Duh! the man insisted but the Warlock had never said
duh! and the Princess knew that and as soon as she realized that he wasnt her friend, he evaporated into thin air.

Princess
The Warlocks voice came to her, from the brooch.

Im here the Princess held the brooch in her hands, whats happening?! You need to wake up the Warlocks voice said, dont you remember?
The Princess looked out of the drawing room window and into the sleeping village, no, tell me

You were rescuing Karl. He was in palace clock tower but the Carabosses
middle daughter Slugworth was guarding him. She cast a spell on you all

What happened to us? the Princess asked. You fell asleep. Youre all still asleep, sharing the same dream. This is what
you want, a world which is everything you want it to be. Slugworth wants you to just be happy so you never wake up The Princess had a question, why werent youthe Warlock?

Because your dreams are made from your imagination. You couldnt do what
the Warlock does for the words in his imagination are impossible. You tried your best, and you got a pale imitation but it wouldnt compare with the real Warlocks ingenious, albeit immodest, words

Well, does it matter? Cant we juststay like this?

The brooch quivered when the Warlocks voice spoke to her, you must return to the land of the living. Without you, all will be lost. Do not despair for the villains fade

and evil can die. Reunite with us, and help us fight for a new world where all creatures great and small can live in happiness, to free the world from greed and tyranny and wickedness. You, Princess, have magic which can make life beautiful. Use this magic to make our lives a wonderful adventure. Come back, please. Youre our only hope

The Princess sat up, awaking from her dream which shattered the dream for the others. They rose, rubbing their eyes, returning to the palaces clock tower. Carlotta and Goth had fallen asleep holding hands, Elder Detta had splayed herself in a manner which would cover any mattress space, Echo had slept with her feet and hands squeezed together, Karl had slept in the secret way that dragons sleep in and the Princess had slept with her hands tightly clutched around the cape that the Warlock had given her.

How did you wake up? the brunette hag Slugworth adjusted her tiara in
disbelief, go back to sleep and be happy, damn you! The Princess, quick as lightning, sprung the wagic wand from her belt and sprayed a shower of sparks over Slugworth who melted away into the ether, and drifted into the Never-Weres, forever destined to wander the nightmares and sleep terrors of children.

Awesome- get me out now Karl grumpily said, for all dragons are grumpy
when they wake, these chains are uncomfortable Goth used one of his keys to undo the massive unobtainite chains that had been clamped on Karls legs, wings and muzzle.

Right, wheres the Warlock? the Princess asked Goth, blinking to get used to
being up and awake, the Carabosse will know were onto her

The Central Tower Goth loosened Karls restraints, locked in her study at the
top of the tower. The eldest daughter Bean guards him at the bottom of the tower

Karl, can you fly us to the top? Carlotta asked as the dragon felt his aching
wings.

No, Im too sore from being tied up to fly Karl sneezed, causing Goths uniform
to smoulder, sorry

Bean is the worst of the daughters Goth said as he and Carlotta patted his

clothes down, shes clever and cunning and redhead. She has one weakness- she loves games and cant turn one down. If you can play with her and win, she might accept the defeat

Right then the Princess turned her cape to a dark black, lets go get the
Warlock

7. BEAN

Bean was unlike her sisters as she took after her aunt, the Beldam, in that she was beautiful. She was thin and willowy, with fiery red hair. She wore silk pajamas and wore her hair in long braid which she had plaited for her by banshees. While she was guarding the Warlock in the Central Tower, she amused herself by playing games against her companions. At a glance, the Princess and Bean shared many similarities- both were beautiful, with friends, for indeed Bean did have friends who had genuine affection for her, and both enjoyed the use of their magic. Bean was playing a game of Crambo with her lover, the Conjurer. The Conjurer made Bean laugh and sigh and think and she enjoyed playing Crambo with him, for you cannot play Crambo unless your head is full of words. In Crambo, players take turns giving a line, which the opponent attempts to rhyme with. Bean was feeling particularly topical, and so they sang about their prisoner.

In the top of the tower, the Warlock sleeps While the Above-Land people mourns and weeps! For they have lost their beloved champion The greatest storyteller of them all has gone! Let us keep him here in the Palace of Ice Where he may pay the exorbitant price

Of the Princess of GEshi, whos wrath was felt From Mother Carabosse, a woeful welt The Princess had friends; The Carabosse did not So scores were even, and friends forgot The seeds of sorrow are now being sown Finally, the Princess and Carabosse can both be alone

The game was cut short by the door to the tower opening with a slam. The Princess, Elder Detta, Goth, Carlotta, Echo and Karl slid in, lining the wall so that there was no escape.

Who are you?! Bean stood up in anger, what do you want?! Im the Princess and Im here for my friends, and Ive had a very bad day the
Princess held her head high like a proud peacock, the magic wand pointed squarely at Bean. However, Bean was more talented with her magic tiara than her sisters and could manipulate the magical charge in a more complex manner than her sisters so when the Princess attempted a magic spell, Bean reflected that spell and it hit Elder Detta, who promptly grew a fluffy tail.

Try it; I can do this all day Bean curved her ruby lips into a delightful, but
eerie, smile, Im just as good as you with magic, probably even a little better. In fact, I was thinking of getting the Warlock to show me a thing or two

Let me eat her, please Karl licked his lips, Im sure theres enough nitrogen in
her to digest

No, shed poison you Carlotta scratched his aching wings, Princess, what do
we do?

I challenge you the Princess put away the wand, a game and if I win, you let
the Warlock go

A game? Bean clapped her hands, and if I win? If there is a wager, there has
to be a forfeit

Then Ill stay, in the Underworld, with the Warlock, forever the Princess
staked, but Bean shook her head and her red hair swayed and glimmered in the candlelight.

That isnt fair; the Warlock is magic Bean snickered, I wantall of you. If you
win, Princess, then you may have back the Warlock. If I win, then each of your friends as well as yourself will be mine until Judgment Day when Ill get my own people

Hang on the Princess huddled with her friends, do you guys trust me? Hell no Carlotta said quickly, whats your game plan? Im waiting! hollered Bean. If you lose, were all going to be kept here forever, and we cant die here so we
couldnt even escape through death Detta said, so you better have a good idea The Princess turned to Bean and smirked, I accept your terms. If I lose, my company and I will be yours forever

Then name your game Bean spoke, chess? Backgammon? Hide and seek?
Hunt the thimble? Hide the saltine? Ludo?

A drinking game declared the Princess, have you ever heard of Circle of
Death?

No, but its an appropriate name Bean paced the floor, what are we going to
need?

A deck of cards the Princess said, and a jug We can get that Bean said, Ill send the Conjurer. Anything else? Yeah, the Conjurer will need to play. We each must have a partner because
you cant play Circle of Death with only two people. Carlotta will play on my team

Four goblets, something to eat, and a table with no less than four legs That will be procured. Anything else? Yeah the Princess grinned, booze. Lots, and lots, of booze

Bean got her servants to fetch a deck of cards, a jug, four goblets, and an antique oak table that once had been used to write an account of a man who had been nailed to a cross for saying that people should be nicer to each other. She had then got the cooks in the Palace kitchen to bring up steaming trays of food and desserts kept cool in the larder. After it was all brought to the foot of the Central Tower, every wine cellar was raided and every casket of wine brought up. The storerooms were emptied

of their spirits and liquors and piled high, ready to be drunk.

I take it we have satisfied the requirements? Bean looked at the Princess while
she tore off a leg of steamed crow and bit into it savagely.

May I have a glass of buttermilk? the Princess requested and received a glass
of buttermilk which she then proceeded to drink in one breath.

You looked like you needed that Carlotta muttered, Ill have one too, actually May we now begin? Bean crossed her legs and opened a bottle of pinot noir
with her sharp fingernails, slicing the top of the bottle off and allowing it to breathe, Im anxious to begin playing The Princess poured herself a goblet of wine that was a fine rose colour and had a pleasant aroma.

The person who stays conscious the longest is the winner the Princess
outlined the game, and we play until only one of us is still awake. Cheers Circle of Death is a brutal drinking game with many complex rules and impossible to play without consuming many intoxicating liquids. Bottle, after bottle, after bottle was consumed and each one fell to the floor with a smash after the contents were drunk. Bean and the Conjurer were no novices to drinking but they were hardly a match for the Princess and Carlotta who had vodka and orange juice, white wine, red wine, green wine, blue wine, shots of bourbon and shots of tequila, sangria and brandy, while Bean and the Conjurer drank their own weight in gin, bloody maries, daiquiris of every kind, and the kind of rum meant only for seadogs. They drank like fish, and stared at each other like gladiators. The Conjurer was the first to fall, having been made to finish his seventh appletini in a row. Carlotta fell not soon after that, having consumed the vessel in the game. As Bean and the Princess slurred slurs at one another, they continued to play the game. The Princesss friends watched in awe as the Princess and Bean began to make waterfalls of their goblets, pouring triple-distilled vodka into their mouths. As Bean put down her empty goblet, she knew something was wrong. Her cheeks were flushed and her ears were hot, her face had tears streaming down, dripping upon the floor, and her vision was blurry. Though the Princess was in no great state, Bean felt like she had been poisoned with snake venom. She fell to the floor, took one last look at the Princess and nodded to her before passing out and

having a dreamless sleep.

We won it dawned on Elder Detta, we won!

Goth rushed over to Carlotta while Karl, Echo and Detta rushed to the Princess who had stumbled three times trying to stand up. Victorious, the group brought Carlotta some water to try and revive her.

Shes barely breathing Goth said, speaking about Carlotta, we need to get her
help fast

Get the Princess swayed like a ship caught in a storm, get the Warlock.
Karl, help me The dragon flew to the aid of the princess, and she clung to his long neck as he bound up the spiral staircase. With the last of her strength and coordination, the Princess used the magic wand so that the heavy door would open.

The Warlock got up from the desk when the door opened. The Princess and Karl stumbled in, and never had the Warlock been so glad to see the Princess. However, the Princess was leaning on various items to make her way to him though.

Well, arent you a sight for sore eyes? Karl grunted as the Princess drunkenly
fell into the Warlocks arms. The Warlock looked into the Princesss eyes, speechless with wonder and then he kissed her and it was, in every sense, a magical moment that restored them both.

My word, it is good to see you! the Warlock smiled, throwing on his blue
overcoat and also taking a brown leather satchel bag, you came to the rescue, Princess, after all! I see that you freed Karl, and kept my voice safe in your brooch The three made their way down the spiral staircase. With her head feeling extremely clear, the Princess had a few questions which the Warlock was delighted to ask, having his voice returned to him.

Why am I feeling-? So good? the Warlock anticipated, because I used some of my magic to heal
the enzymes in your liver. Its good to be able to speak again- do you know how hard it is to mime to your guard I would like a bottle of cognac?? It was agony. Whats your escape plan?

See you, then you get us out of here the Princess said, as she hurried down

the staircase, that was the escape plan! Now what are you going to do about it?!

8. THE CARABOSSE

Hello, all! the Warlock waved to his friends as he reached the bottom stair, good to
see you again. That is one of the Carabosses guards but his lips are locked with Carlottas so Im going to let that one go. Elder Detta, always a pleasure to see you, andah, another Princess. Im confused, but theres probably a legitimate explanation for it so Im going to let that one go too

Were getting out of here, right? Carlotta asked, rubbing her eyes, I feel quite
hungover

That was fast Goth raised an eyebrow. Okay, we got here through the Carabosses cloak the Warlock thought out
loud, it took us by magic. We get the cloak, we use it to go back. Where does it hang?

I think, the Carabosse wears it on her person at all times Goth said, she
never removes it, not even on the hottest days It was at that moment that a trumpet was sounded and it made an infernal racket which alerted the whole palace.

Anyone got a good idea right now?! Detta asked in a voice which showed that
she was fretting, because we could really use one right now

The Carabosse has sounded the alarm but she wouldnt lead the search
herself, not if we were on the loose the Warlock reasoned, you, whats your name?

Im Goth

Im Echo, if anyone cared Echo offered. Goth, where would the Carabosse go to hide if the palace was under siege? Theres a stronghold under the castle. Thats where the weapons are usually
kept and heavy artillery is stored Goth pointed downwards, and I know of a shortcut They made their way passed the passed-out Conjurer and Bean and to a tapestry of a woman with cobalt hair sitting alone in a destroyed home. The Warlock knew the story well- the woman was called Yulee and she had taken her lovers for granted, for she liked the attention they gave her but she did not want the bother of having to love them. One day, she got exactly half of what she wanted for her lovers left her for better prospects while she remained alone for the rest of her life, growing old by herself for she had no respect for anyone but herself.

I appreciate the story, and its a beautiful tapestry the Warlock said to Goth,
but how does this get us to the stronghold? Goth raised the tapestry to reveal that behind, there was a secret passageway.

Okay, that has to be the coolest thing Ive seen in a while the Princess said,
walking through it. The others followed, the Warlock being last.

Thank you for not losing it. I need this the Warlock took his magic wand from
the Princesss belt and he used it to freeze the tapestry so that it was stronger than brick and mortar.

Thats so the guards cant follow us. Come on the Warlock explained, and they
moved down the secret passageway. The passage seemed to slope downwards, as if it were going right through the palace itself. They finally arrived at the end of the passageway and were confronted by the back of another tapestry. The Warlock could see shadows through the tapestry and the tall, leggy Carabosse could be made out through the shadows with two other monstrous shadows which made the Warlock groan.

What are they? Echo dared not peek through the tapestry, but Goth had
unsheathed his sword and tightened his suspenders.

Cipactli the Warlock slapped his forehead, twirling his wand feverishly,
crocodile-fish-toad men. They aremonumentally loyal to anyone who feeds them. They have a mouth at every joint in their body so that they can feed at any opportunity. They can even eat more than Carlotta-

Hey! So does anyone have any food on them?

Carlotta nudged uncomfortably, we couldfeed them Detta

Im right here! No youre not Okay, Im not That gives me an idea the Warlock licked his finger to take the temperature,
can you all swim?

What the hells your plan? Do you know what the difference between an army of frogs and a knot of toads
is? the Warlock held his wand heavenly, toads dont fare as well as frogs do in water

The Carabosse stood with the stronghold doors locked and her Cipactli next to her, armoured in Ngoubou scales. They could hear the footsteps of the guards clump around the ice palace and so stayed near to their mistress. The Cipactli had always stayed loyal to the Carabosse for she fed them well, in both size and quality. The Cipactli were fed on a diet on Strix eggs, Cerebus legs and the milk of the Longma. One sound that they started to hear while guarding the stronghold was the pitterpatter of rain. Though the Cipactli had no real idea of what rain was, they had memories from their ancestors and when they heard rain, they ran out of the stronghold, leaving the Carabosse on her own which was when, from behind a tapestry, came a Warlock, a Tailor, an Elder, a Palace Guard, a Dragon and two Princesses.

Howdy partner; whats fryin, mountain lion? You?! the Carabosse gripped her cloak, I hate you! Is she addressing all of us? I think so I am rubber; you are glue- What bounces off of me sticks to you

Guards! the Carabosse stamped her feet and screamed, guards! They wont be able to help you if they have any sense the Warlock snickered,
As you can see, I have both my wand and my voice so my magic as well. I love how your stronghold is underground. You can barely feel the fires of the Underworld. Anyway, were going to need that cloak and we need it now

Anything else youd like to help yourself to? the Carabosse held her cloak,
feeling secure with it on, youre not taking it. I have charms which could bind you in ropes until the end of time

Yes, but Im very good at weather charms the Warlock spoke, his boots
making squelching noises as he walked towards the beautiful Carabosse, and Im here to rain on your parade

Hes not just making bad puns and cheesy one-liners, by the way the Princess
leaned over to face the Carabosse, its actually raining

Its not rained in the Underworld in living memory Goth seemed oddly pleased
about that and he looked rather smug, especially with his arm linked with Carlottas, this ought to be good

So the fires will be extinguished, the humidity willwell I dont even know, and
finally, what will happen to your palace? the Warlock asked for the Carabosse to imagine, a palace made out of ice gets rained on in what I would normally call spitroast weather At that moment, as if to illustrate the point, there was a loud crash.

That will be the Central Tower toppling down, melting the Warlock poked out
his tongue, your entire palace is about to become a cold drink

I can rebuild the Carabosse laughed, see you later, alligator

She spun on the spot but went nowhere.

Ive anchored you here, with my magic the Warlock said, Now, well be taking
that magic cloak of yours or well never let you leave

Why would I care? the Carabosse took one step forward into a puddle but was
stopped by a very angry dragon.

Going anywhere? Karl had smoke pouring from his eyeballs, because I seem
to remember you had me in chains and a muzzle

Youre basically in the inside of a sink and its filling up Detta waved her
hands at the staircase which had become a miniature waterfall, so you only have so much time before the staircase itself melts to get out of here. Youre not going anywhere with that cloak

I- No time to argue Echo pointed at the ceiling, because I think thats the roof
coming in The Carabosse slid off her cloak and threw it to the Warlock with a foul look, so gross that it could wilt flowers.

This is not over! the witch cried as she ascended the rapidly decaying
staircase, not over!

Yes, it is the Warlock assured his friends as he threw on the cloak, come on,
everybody. Whos for ice-cream? With the cloak and wand, the Warlock said the spell which engulfed his friends, and faster than the blink of an eye, they had left the palace for good.

The Carabosse was not so lucky. As she walked out, soggy, from the remnants of her palace, she found that the stale air around the Underworld had suddenly softened, as had the dirt which had turned to mud, and the fires which exploded in the trees had stopped. She took one last look at the lake which had once been a palace, before trudging up the bank to find her daughters. She neednt have worried though, for the entire population of the Underworld had gathered, having seen the palace collapse. Every home had been emptied, every species had congregated and they had captured Bean, Slugworth and Trunchbull, and then they caught the Carabosse. They were tired of being oppressed and they were eager for revenge and without the Carabosses cloak, they had no magic. Their story ends here, but the story of the Princess does not.

9. THE KINGDOM OF GESHI

O Muse, this could not have ended in a manner less peculiar. This is the end of the story of the girl who was so brave that she had the courage to rescue her friends from the Witch of the Underworld, a wicked wench so woeful that she sought to steal the friends of the most beautiful lass in all the cosmos, but it is the start of another story for every ending contains the start of another story...

Where are we? Detta asked, shaking her bones, I feel dizzy Were exactly where we were! Carlotta spotted the balloons which had
deflated slightly and glowed less brightly, but they were still unmistakably in the cavern of the GEshi castle. After their return, much needed to be done. The Princess had to alert her subjects that she had returned. Carlotta returned to the West Lakes with her lover, and Detta and Karl decided to take a holiday in Eden. Echo decided to travel and the Princess packed her a bag and the Other Princess strode the world for wonders. When the Princess had seen Echo off, she returned to her room where she found a large book that had been bound in Vermicious Knid hide and had shiny letters embossed on the cover, and a note in that almost illegible handwriting of the Warlocks.

Dear Princess I thank you for saving me at a time when I needed you the most but I had some time to think while I was trapped in the tower. When I was silent, I listened to myself and I came to the conclusion that maybe we need to spend some time apart. Im not saying that you arent dear to me, but that I cannot stay around you any longer for both our sakes. You need someone else to make your magic. This doesnt work for me. Im forever in your debt, and Ive left something for you to remember me by.

Love, the Warlock.

Vodka the Princess asked her handmaid as she walked along the corridor, has
anyone seen the Warlock?

Not lately Vodka said, sweeping dust out of the window, shall I fetch him? I dont think you can I dont understand, miss Neither do I the Princess closed the door of her room and sat on her bed. Her
cape turned black all on its own and the Princess sat for several minutes, lost in an ocean of thoughts. When she broke from her trance, she picked up the book and held it to the light. The title shone brightly in the sunlight and the Princess even whispered it out loud.

The Princess Compendium

THE PRINCESS AND THE RIVER

1. THE PRINCESS

In the lands before people disagreed too much, there lived a Princess. She lived in a castle that was given to her by the King, with the condition that she would keep the castle relatively tidy. She could have it for as long as she wanted, or until she found out that there was a dragon living underneath that could have killed them all with a sneeze of fire, whichever came first. Shed found the dragon already. He was called Karl. In the Kingdom of GEshi, there was great celebration for it was the day of the new season of cider. The Scrumpy river would flow huge currents of cider around the kingdom and be consumed by the villagers. It was customary for every peasant to dip their glasses into the river and drink. The celebration came and went, and weeks passed but the river of Scrumpy fell to a trickle. The villagers visited the Ponds of Red Wine but soon these too grew low, and then opened stocks of bourbon and coke but these only served to make their thirst for apple cider grow more. It was such a desperate situation that a council was called. This was the Council of Trouble-Fixing, though in truth, they were not too good at living up to the title they had been given. The Princess awoke one morning to find her companion, Vodka, by her bedside. Theres the Warlock here to see you Vodka spoke very softly, in fear that the Princess would have her executed for ruining a good dream. The Princess had, in

fact, been having a good dream. There were rainbows in it. Wizards are men who are all unnaturally tall, and the Warlock was no exception. He waited patiently in the dining hall in his blue overcoat, patiently sipping at a bottle of wine which seemed appropriate for eight in the morning. The Princess came to greet him but before she could speak, there was a knock at the castle gates. Hello! she squeaked in surprise as two fairies hovered in. Fairies are always girls, about as big as dinner plates, and wore dresses made out of daisy-chains. Im Alicia said the smaller, blond fairy, and this is Zoe This was difficult for Alicia to say because fairies dont have the right shape of throat to pronounce vowels and thus, all vowels are silent and only included for legal reasons. The two fairies floated into the dining hall to talk to the Warlock without a word of explanation. The Princess sighed slightly and made two steps back to the dining hall before there was another knock at the door. There were three monkeys waiting outside. I am Sally said the leader of the trio, and this is Danielle and Janine. We are the toughest men of the clan and they hopped inside. The Princess was about to close the door when Karl flapped in, just small enough to squeeze through the door.

Vodka was scurrying around the table, attempting to gather the orders for breakfast from the Warlock, two fairies, three monkeys, and a dragon. Strawberry pie and a pot of raspberry tea! Romanians on toast and butternut coffee! Banana sandwiches and banana shakes! Ten chocolate-filling Nitrogen cakes! When Vodka has sorted everything, she returned with a tray laden with all manner of delectable items. The Princess took her chair at the end of the table and helped herself to toast and tea. Now the Warlock cleared his throat, we have come to you, Princess, because you must tell us what to do about the lack of Scrumpy Here! Here! the monkeys cried, getting banana crumbs all over their beards.

We agree! the fairies tried to say vowel-less. Karl said nothing because he was a dragon and only ate Nitrogen. Truth be told, he was only there because he was filling in for Zarrock the Needlessly Offensive who was off waging a war against the fish. The Warlock outlined the problem; we are out of cider from the River of Scrumpy. We dont know why its stopped. We need someone to fix this so we turn to you because you are the Princess and you know whats best We shall send the greatest of our monkey scientists! Danielle offered heartily, and they will solve this easily! Alicia scoffed at that, you couldnt trust a monkey to come up with a line of Shakespeare. Princess, I suggest you allow the fairies to handle this! As the fairies and the monkeys quarreled, the Warlock lit his pipe and tickled Karls nose to light it. When the monkeys and fairies had thoroughly made sure that neither could go, the Warlock spoke. Princess, I suggest that you investigate yourself why the cider is gone he puffed, we trust no one more than you The Princess did have a duty to her people and so the next day she was laden with two small sacks of seeds from the wizard, a sword forged by the fairy blacksmiths which could cut anything with its absurdly sharp blade, and the monkeys had given her the best twigs that they could find. All of these gifts were strapped to Karls back as he would be giving Princess a flight to the source of Scrumpy. They chose a great mountain top to help Karl start his flight. The Warlocks eyes twinkled as he bid the Princess a great farewell, but begged her to return or he would miss her, and the Warlock missed the Princess, the less magical his life seemed. Karl flapped his mighty dragon wings and the Princess grabbed Karls great floppy ears. They flew away to find out what had happened.

2. THE PIRATES

Pirates are a naturally silly lot. They roam the seas in rickety ships, drinking rum, talking to parrots and wearing very large hats. They also are known for their penchant for stealing treasure and then burying it again. This is because all pirates are evolved from dogs. Captain Canine was a very depressed captain. He was a cross of Maltese and Chihuahua and wore a beige pirate frockcoat with a hat that sported a magnificent peacock feather. His worries were that his ship, the Barkinator, would perish. The Barkinator was not a very well-stocked ship and though it was quite large, they had not docked in seven weeks and were running low on water, bones and rum. The Captain left his quarters to see his crew rolling around in the sun without anything better to do. It was a bright sunny day and it seemed to be windless. Ahoy the First Mate, a golden retriever said to his captain, what shall we do today? The Captain eyed the sails which seemed limp and pathetic, I dont know, me hartie and scratched behind his ears. The First Mate moved so that the Captain could take the wheel of the ship. He took a small hip flask from the side of his left boot and drank some before offering some to the Captain. The Captain grumbled and decided it would be best to consult the ships navigator, Long John Silver. Long John had gotten his name due to the fact that at the end of his long snout he wore a very large silver ring which seemed to

be shiny, no matter what. In the ships scullery, Long John was pondering over the maps he had been given before their voyage from Woofer Isle. He wiped his monocle on his scarf and then had another look at the large X marked in blood on the map when the Captain arrived. Found anything? the Captain handed Long John a dog biscuit. It was stale and tasteless but it was all they had. We should go here Long John tapped one paw at the map, I think theres treasure here on Ruff Island. Buried by Smollet back in the old days. We can stock up on water while were there as well. We best move soon- I think theres a storm coming in The Captain opened his jaws to agree when one of the crew, a rather fat Beagle called Mraw arrived, panting furiously. Captaintherescome and see! The Captain bolted out wagging his tail, his hat with the feather nearly falling off. The crew had all gathered on the deck and were looking up at the sky. The Captain took his telescope from his belt and peered at the strange thing in the sky that seemed to be plummeting towards them very fast. Some cowardly dogs drew their swords, some cautiously loaded their muskets but the Captain just watched as a dragon and a princess fell on deck with an almighty crash.

Karl had broken the Princesss fall. The two had, like Icarus, been flying too closely to the sun and Karl had gotten too hot and bothered to remain airborne. The Princess had steered him on the only thing that wasnt ocean which was the pirate ship. Once they had crashed, the two had fainted with exhaustion. Once they had landed, the Captain had ordered them to be thrown in the brig. He was a good captain but not sure what to do when a dragon and a princess appear on your pirate ship. As they woke, Jim, the cabin pup, a terrier, brought them some beer to drink. The Princess was not fond of beer but it was all there was to drink on the ship. Karl simply helped himself to some cannon powder which seemed to put him in good spirits. Where are you from? Jim asked through the bars of the brig. Jim had never known a life off a ship, having been born on the water and lived all his life on a boat

of some kind or another. The Princess smiled as he tried to lick her face. Were from GEshi she petted his face and rubbed his furry tummy, Im the Princess and this is Karl. Were searching for Scrumpy I dont know who Scrumpy is but hes not on this ship Jim yapped, I shall fetch the Captain and he can let you out No need the Captains howl was very distinctive and the sound of his paws walking in were menacing, you can go swab the rest of the deck Jim, and when youve finished you can help Flinty repair the nets Jim scampered out while the Captain eyed the Princess and her dragon. He thought the Princess the most beautiful lady he had ever seen but thought better than to tell her that. Im Captain Canine he announced but Karl merely snorted at that. The Captain took off his hat as he was in the presence of a lady and sat on one of the barrels down there. Well be on our way the Princess smiled and though her smile made the Captain feel more alive than he had in years, he did not soften. He checked the pocket watch hanging from his waistcoat and looked again. Her smile had an effect on him that was quite like taking swings of rum. Her smile made him merry and warm inside and made him want to say things he didnt even know he could say. Youre after our treasure! roared the Captain, and youll walk the plank just as soon as my crew have calmed down and stopped chasing their tails We could-! Karl growled a fiery smoke but saw it useless as the Captain strode out. Well this is rubbish Karl curled up with his scaly head resting on the Princesss lap, now what? Can you still fly? the Princess felt Karls wings for any broken bones but couldnt find any. Asdfghjkl Karl replied, Im hungry. Arent you hungry? The Princess smiled and removed one of her purple boots. She shook some earth from the boots and then took two small bags from the satchel on Karls back. She loosened the tops of both bags and from them took two seeds. One was green and one was brown. She placed these each on top of two very small piles of earth and

whispered some magic words to them. These seeds were not normal seeds. They had been charmed by the Warlock and when the Princess whispered the magic words they both began to grow before her very eyes. The first seed grew into a large avocado tree with ripe avocados hanging from the branches. The second seed grew into a toast tree with pieces of crispy toast hanging from the vines. Karl used his mighty talons to slice the avocados and the Princess enjoyed her meal of avocado on toast.

As night fell, the Princess woke when Karls tail began to stir. I have a bad feeling Karl whispered to the Princess. Karl was a dragon, the tamest of all the monsters. Monsters can sense when other monsters are around. The Princess knew this and decided to warn Captain Canine. She took her tongue piercing and used it to pick the lock of their cell. They snuck out onto the deck to find that the crew were frantically running around, preparing for a storm. They could see great thick clouds gather, like black sheep being herded in by invisible dogs in the sky. Thunder and lightening were already beginning to shatter over their heads. The Princess made for the Captain who was at the helm of the ship and in no mood for escaped prisoners or princesses. Princess! Karl cried, its getting closer, whatever it is. I can feel it in my bones There is no monster coming for us! the Captain cried, but of course, he was wrong. Something started shaking the ship, like no wave had ever done before. There is something below us! the Princess cried, you need to abandon ship! Life boats! the Captain barked to his men, quickly! Every dog on the ship worth his salt went immediately for a life boat, the Captain being last to untie the life boats into the water. The Princess and Karl had to get into a life boat as well for Karl could not fly in thunderstorms. The Captain and Long John Silver got into the boat with our two heroes and commanded for his men to row north. The ocean was not as fair as she might be but they made to a safe distance before something terrible happened. All eyes were on the Barkinator. Not a second before the last boat was in the water did the whole ship get grabbed in the massive arms of an enormous pair of

jaws. Two sea monsters, known better as Ogopogos, rose to the surface and broke the ship in half as if it were made of twigs. Ogopogos feed on fish and are generally peaceful but the ship had been so noisy that they couldnt sleep for they have extremely sensitive hearing. Sea monsters are very close cousins to dragons but they live almost forever and often grow larger than castles. The dogs all held their tails between their legs and wimpered but the Princess had a better idea than being a coward. Karl she said, can you tell the sea monsters to bring us to land? Karl was quite afraid, for most dragons detest being too near oceans, but knew that he must be brave for his princess. Karl threw his head under the water and shrieked as loud as he could to do what the Princess had asked. Well? the Princess asked as Karl brought his head back up for air. Karl nodded, causing the Princess to give one of her smiles which made her twinkle like shiny stars in an inky sky. The two Ogopogos, Red and Bled, had taken Karls request down to the Ogopogo herd where the patriarch, Led, agreed to help the pirates. The slithering beauties all swam up to the surface and with their flippers as long as the tallest trees in the world, they scooped the life boats and headed towards the land.

The next morning, the pirates, the Princess and Karl awoke to find that they had been marooned on the beach of a very large island with many mountains and caves. What was worse was that the thunderstorm had finally arrived and rain fell from the sky. To the cave! the Captain ushered them. They all rushed into a small cave and when the pirates had collected some dry driftwood, Karl lit it on fire to help dry their clothes. The Princess shivered slightly as she hung up her black coat with the buckles on the back and her socks which never matched. Where are we? one of the pirates asked but no one knew, not even Long John. The ship doctor, Snoopy, decided to speak up. I saw a house Everyone in the cave stared at him wildly. Hes stoned as hell!

Hes high as heck! Hes drunk as a skunk! Hes tired as feck! Hes nutty! Hes loopy! Hes silly! Hes Snoopy! the pirates all chorused, but the Princess, with a kinder heart, asked him where the house was. On the top of the hill Snoopy said meekly. You shall show me the Princess told him, and we will find food for everyone and a map and something for you to make a boat with so you can get off this land Then I shall come with you. I suppose. Really? Karl asked, his massive eyes looking at the pouring rain. The three of them borrowed thick coats from the pirates and made their way up the hill, through the forest and all that time through the rain and before the hour was up they came to a house. It was an old, bleak house with the paint having long since peeled off and the windows all boarded up. The Princess raised her fist to knock on the front door but before her knuckles even touched the wood, the door slid open. The Princess, Karl and Snoopy looked at each other nervously before they walked in. It was dark inside and the rain was falling through the roof and making pools on the floor. As soon as Snoopy entered, the door slammed shut and no amount of pushing or shoving would open the door. Well be fine the Princess tried to calm Snoopy as he quaked in his boots but she wasnt so sure. They had just entered a haunted house.

3. THE GHOST

Adventures are things we play to try and keep Death waiting.

When Aylesham was a child, she was the Secret-Keeper of her village. She was very scared of speaking, frightened of when so much as a single sentence left her mouth, that many people simply assumed that she didnt know how to talk. From lofty teenagers, reckless with passion to the eldest wise men who needed to share their stories, they all came to Aylesham in private to whisper to her their secrets. They were almost always very nice secrets, they were about a boy who had a crush on a girl, or a husband having a birthday surprise for his wife, but some were terrible secrets of heartache, betrayal, and all manner of darkness. One day, Aylesham was bathing in the waterfall under the hill when an old hag, swaddled in a black hood and tatty dress, beckoned her over. The hag bent over as far as her hunched back would allow and she spoke to the Secret-Keeper. She hissed one evil secret, eleven words long, into Ayleshams ear and then the hag hobbled away, never to be seen again. The Evil Secret stowed away in Ayleshams soul, hiding itself, waiting for the right time. Aylesham grew up, as some choose to do. She grew into a beautiful woman who learnt to speak and she left her village in search of adventures. She drifted to one land where she met Merepool, a great man who worked on a garden which grew the lotus for the Lotus-Eaters and the two fell in love and after three days, Merepool proposed to

her. They were married in the little cottage they would live in. The two lived in that little cottage for a very long time and every day, Merepool would tend to the lotus garden while Aylesham painted pictures or enjoyed sunshine in strolls up the mountains. They were happy then. Then one day Merepool was too old and tired to work. The two moved to a house on a faraway island and though they were still married, they were unhappy. Merepool made Aylesham cry and Aylesham made Merepool furious that often the two could not bear to be in the same room. A maid called Scutari also lived with the couple. She cooked their meals, cleaned the house and tended to the garden. Scutari was in love with Merepool. She was young and foolish. Merepool knew Scutari loved him but he was afraid to love her back. It broke Scutaris heart to see Merepool miserable with Aylesham but she couldnt leave the house because she was too much in love with Merepool. She couldnt help but think of him, and every night when she rested her weary head to go to sleep, she had great dreams where Merepool would be with her forever. One night, while the three of them slept, the Evil Secret hidden in Ayleshams soul had an idea. It crept into Scutaris dreams and told her what to do to make her happy, and then it hid in Scutaris dreams. Then, while making breakfast, Scutari added in a poisoned grain into the pot of tea and laid it out for Aylesham to drink, but Aylesham didnt drink it. Merepool discovered the tea and drank it first. He died without a single happy thought in his mind. When Scutari found him, she killed Aylesham in rage. She didnt understand why it was Merepool, not Aylesham, who had died. Scutari took a knife and plunged the blade into Ayleshams heart. Then she took the same knife and slit her own throat.

Hallo! the Princess cried out in the empty house which wouldnt let them leave, is anybody home? There was the whispers of the wind streaming through the house but no one came out to greet them. Snoopy clung behind the Princesss left leg while Karl blew a flame onto a candle rolling on the floor. The Princess held up the light but the darkness clouded the house so thickly that it didnt reveal anything. Come on the Princess bravely charged through the darkness and walked up the stairs, each stair creaking like an old womans wheezing. The Princess could feel

something watching them but she didnt tell Karl or Snoopy who were both quite spooked already. Theres something down here Karl said, his large dragon eyes spotting something in the left wing of the house, should we-? Before Karl could continue, the three heard a great scream. The Princess and Snoopy rushed to the right to find whoever was screaming while Karl decided to investigate what he had found. Dragons arent scared easily but what hed found was very strange. Karl could sense something behind one green door. He pushed it open with his nose and found he was in an abandoned bedroom. On the bed, contorted in a horrible knot, was a dusty skeleton with a cup of tea still gripped in the bones of his right hand.

The Princess had taken Snoopy with her because Snoopy had clung to her leg. They dashed down a cellar and into a sort of kitchen. The pots and pans hanging on the hooks had all rusted holes in them and the food had all turned to dust long ago. As they entered, the Princess tripped up. On the tiled surface, there lay two skeletons, a knife lodged in one of them. The Princess had tripped up over one of these skeletons. She collected Snoopy who had fainted and kept looking for the screamer. Hello? the Princess held up the candle but found that it had gone out, can I help? Im the Princess and I want to help you The darkness suddenly had gotten a lot colder. The Princess drew her sword, frightened of whatever it was that was behind her making simpering noises. She turned around slowly, with her eyes nearly closed, and when she had opened them, her hair stood on the back of her neck. It was what looked like a young girl but she glowed brightly and hovered rather than walked. The Princess realized that if she squinted, she could see straight through this young girl and see the wall on the other side. The Princess took her sword and threw it at the girl but it passed through her like a stone through water. Get out! Get out! the Ghost moaned, her shrill unearthly voice piercing the Princesss mind. The Ghosts eyes which had once been clear were turning a fierce red. The Princess had the sudden urge to run and hide. She moved quickly to the

front door but it was still jammed. The Ghost followed her, saying the same two words over and over again. Were not here to hurt you! the Princess said strongly, we can help! You must leave! the Ghost crackled sadly, or you will hear something so terrible-! The Ghost was interrupted by a jet of fire that darted at the door. The house was haunted but was still able to be torched in the rain. It was Karl who had seen the Ghost and tried to fry it with his breath. The Princess grabbed Snoopy, took a last breath and then jumped through the burning door, tumbling out onto the rainy outdoors. Karl followed, taking care to avoid the Ghost. When the three were outside safely, the Ghost smiled and the red in her eyes left and hovered in the air for a moment, before both the Ghost, and the red disappeared forever.

The Warlock waited back at the kingdom, puffing on his pipe which spouted a cloud of smoke that changed colours. It was a beautiful day and he wished more than anything else that the Princess could be enjoying it with him by the lakeside. He missed his princess and wanted her to return for he missed her and lacked any magic in his life without her. He loved her more every day, and worried about the dangers she might be in. He neednt have worried but he decided that he would anyway.

The Princess never found out what she had done. The Ghost of Scutari couldnt move on to the other side because the Secret which Aylesham had taken all those years ago had been still living in her dreams. Scutari was not living, nor dead. When the Secret saw the Princess, it had tried to move from one girl to another but it could not leave the house because Scutaris remains were still inside. As Scutaris soul finally disappeared, she smiled and thought of the Princess with her puppy and her dragon, which had released her from the heavy earth. The rain soon stopped as the Princess made her way back to the cave where the pirates were sheltering. The pirates planned to make a raft and sail for the Isle of Littara, where there was a haven for sea dogs such as themselves. They begged for

the Princess to stay with them and be their new captain (much to Captain Canines disagreements) but the Princess was on a mission and once the sky was clear again, she rode her flying dragon off again. Karl was very weak over the last few days so when they came to some land, Karl had to ground so he could snooze. It was a late afternoon in a cheerful forest so Karl found a nice smooth rock which was warm from the sunshine and took a nap. The Princess took her bottle from Karls saddle and went to one river to get some water. She saw a pair of elf children (for when elves grow up, they become pine trees) play in the river. When she returned, Karl was gone.

4. THE ELVES

Elves have green skin, pointy ears, and have very sharp and pointy teeth to cut things, for they do not have fingernails. Elves often keep to themselves for though they are a mischievous bunch, they often do not like strangers with their strange ways and clothes. Elves do not know how to turn invisible unlike dwarves, imps, fairies and warlocks and so they are content in hiding in forests. Elves do not like fire for many reasons. They are about as tall as your knee so they cannot put out the fires that spread quickly. They live in a kingdom made entirely out of cardboard boxes so they do not risk having fires in their towers. For this reason, elves eat all of their food cold. They drink their tea cold, they have only salads, nuts and jam and they have immense stores of blankets for winter months to cushion them against the cold. The softest and fluffiest blankets are made from the wool of the Feri-feri sheep and these go to the Elf Baron, a portly fellow who wears long robes and a crown made from pure silver. The Elf Baron, though his title might suggest, does not rule over the elves. It is in fact, the Elf Baroness, an ugly elf who long ago decreed that unless she was obeyed completely and anyone who went against her was taken to the Pond of Eden and fed to the Salmon of Knowledge. She wore long frilly dresses which did not flatter her at all, and a tiara made from the finest gold. She demanded presents and in long winter months when it snowed and no one dare venture outside the kingdom walls in search of gifts, the Salmon of Knowledge was a very well-fed fish indeed.

It was a bright and sunny day when the Elf Baroness received her greatest gift. Many elves had hung out washing to dry, let their children swim in the lakes and found it nice enough to tend their little gardens. An Elf Berry is about the size of a strawberry seed and there is no other taste like it. The Elf Baroness watched in her cardboard tower when she saw a red lump being hauled by the entire army with ropes made by braiding weeds together. What is this monstrosity?! she demanded as she clomped over to Hewt, the general. Tis a gift, Your Royal Highness Hewt gave a long bow, we found it upon an expedition. This, Your Majesty, is a dragon! It was an impressive gift and as soon as Hewt had said such words, every child of the kingdom came rushing, and since there are no elf adults, the entire kingdom had gathered in the Barons court to see a dragon. Dragons are not common in the Forests of Elfacra and usually thought to be legends. Excuse me! said the feeble, pot-bellied Baron, but we must make haste before this dragon awakens Youll be fine said a heavenly voice that seemed to echo in the entire kingdom, Karl is a heavy sleeper With that, the elves screamed in terror as a mighty giant approached them. She was beautiful, they could see that, but she was taller than their tallest towers. Im the Princess, and that dragon is my friend Karl. Id like him back

The Elf Baron had his men make a chair for their visitor by getting them to haul over a tree stump and had every bottle of lemonade in the kingdom placed into an enormous saucer for her to drink. The Princess enjoyed their hospitality and it wasnt long before many of the Elf bachelors were courting her with songs, and sonnets, and smooches. This did not sit well with the Elf Baroness, a jealous and violent woman. Mraw the Elf Baroness looked straight in the eyes of her court advisor, do you think shes prettier than me? This giant of a girl who just thunders in and steals my present? Mraw dawdled with her answer, well, Your Majesty, it isnt my place to say- Feed her to the Salmon! the Elf Baroness waved her jeweled cane at the

guards, now! Mraw was taken away protesting while the Elf Baroness sat there fuming at how beautiful this visitor was. The Elf Baroness came up with an idea to test if she was better-looking than the Princess. O visitor to our kingdom! the Elf Baroness put on a big smile as she approached the Princess, you are so radiant that we must reward it The general chatter from the elves stopped as their baroness spoke. We shall have a beauty contest the Elf Baroness said, just between you and me Low murmurings winded through the crowds. They all were quite aware that this wasnt going to end well for someone, and they were hoping very much so that it wouldnt be them who met their end. The Princess was ushered away and expert seamstresses came to make her dress as gorgeous as possible, with sequins that sparkled because they were from the scales of Sino Oyals, great glittering beasts which have long since died out. The Elf Baroness took her ladys companions where they took great care in making the Elf Baroness look more appealing but no matter how much make-up they applied or hair-styling they tried, the Elf Baroness was really an ugly creature. At sunset, the Princess and the Elf Baroness stood side-by-side at the kingdom gates. Now, who says that the Princess is very beautiful? asked the Elf Baron. The reply was a great cheer, full of whistling and whooping. Now, er, who says that the Elf Baroness is very beautiful? asked the Elf Baron nervously. The elf folk cheered but out of fear. Now, who is the most beautiful? the Elf Baron asked, to which there was total silence. The Elf Baroness frowned in such a way that her face could sour milk. The Princess did not mind but felt a great pity to the Elf Baroness. But of course, it is you the Princess said to her rival, you are far more beautiful than me A general mumbling of agreement from the crowd occurred and the Elf Baroness smiled at that. Oh no she isnt! piped up a tiny elf girl. This elf girl was Swern and she was

not more than a week old, the Princess is much more pretty! The crowd made a louder rumbling at this, agreeing with Swern. The Elf Baroness spat in madness at them and cried loudly. She threw her gold tiara from her head in a temper tantrum and stamped her feet crossly. From a hidden pouch on her dress, she took liquid explosives and from the look in her deranged eyes, it was clear that she would burn down the entire kingdom of cardboard. We shall see about that! the Elf Baroness screeched loudly in such a highpitched and whiny voice that it made the Princess wince but for a dragon with sensitive ears, it was like nails against a chalkboard. Karl awoke from his slumber and was quite hungry. Easily breaking from the ropes made of weed, he sleepily waded over to the smell of nitrogen. Good evening Karl the Princess greeted but Karl was still waking up. In his mighty jaws he grabbed the Elf Baroness who was holding the liquid explosives which were smelling of Nitrogen, and ate her. The cheering from the elf folk was one that echoed throughout the whole forest. A confused Karl wandered over to the Princess, his mind drifting from the lousy snack he had just had to talking to the Princess.

Great Princess of GEshi, and Karl the Nitrogen Eater the Elf Baron spoke at a midnight feast that the elves had catered for, we are forever in your debt for saving us from the clutches of the mad old Elf Baroness It was nothing the Princess said modestly. She wasnt even very tasty Karl said, who had tucked into a bowl of Nitrogen soup. You must stay! the Elf Baron pleaded, for you can tell us the truth and help us live happily with your beauty! I have a better idea the Princess offered. She took the gold tiara that had once been worn by the Elf Baroness and very carefully placed it on Swerns head. You shall listen to Swern from now on the Princess smiled and the townsfolk cheered. The full moon soon came out and the Princess and Karl flew off in the night, where the elves listened to Swern and were happy that they had been visited by the Princess and the Dragon.

As they flew over the tops of the trees, Karl noted clouds which seemed to glow a gentle green. Princess, those are Scrumpy clouds. We must be getting close! Karl, you are absolutely right but could you not make such long dives? They were approaching a mountain that was very tall and unusually, completely hollow. It collected the Scrumpy rain and through tunnels, poured it down to a river dug up many years ago which ran all the way to the Kingdom of GEshi. Karl saw a fire down below and decided to land there. When they did, they found an enormous chubby brown animal with three horns on his head and an old friend. There you are! the Warlock cried and the Princess could not have been more surprised. I got worried when you didnt return. You should have come back by now, so I decided to look the Warlock explained, you certainly took your time. This timrous beastie is Rufus by the way. Hes a Triceratops Rufus bowed to the Princess as best he could. What have you been up to, all this time? the Warlock asked, feeding Karl some Nitrogen balls from his pocket, weve all been extremely worried! So the Princess told the Warlock about the pirates, the ghosts, and the elves she had met. The Warlock puffed on his pipe, laughing at parts of the story. Well, well; sounds like such an adventure! Urg Karl commented but before he could do any more than that one syllable, Rufus sniffed the air and then chirped to the Warlock. Hide! the Warlock said, extinguishing the campfire with a snap of his fingers. The Princess, the Warlock, Karl and Rufus dove for some very large shrubs as they felt a great thumping of footsteps approach. In their hiding place, they saw a great thuggish brute thrice the size of a man, with purple skin and tusks where cheeks should be lumber across, dragging a wooden club across the ground. The thing breathed so loudly that it shook the leaves slightly, and it smelt of rotting flesh. When it was safely gone, the four put the campfire on again and warmed themselves up.

What was that? Karl scrunched his nose at the smell of it. The Warlock made a very solemn face. A troll

5. THE TROLLS

Trolls are not sophisticated creatures. They cannot really make their own tools or weapons and have no interest in cooking their food other than to perhaps mash it into a pulp. They are omnivores, like men, but prefer meat as an occasional treat. Reptiles are poisonous to them, but they like Warlocks, rabbits and horses when they can catch them. Fish are also a rare delicacy for them but trolls are not clever enough to catch them most of the time. Whenever they are born, trolls are always in triplets and the bond between triplets is sacred. Trolls are generally quite social creatures and they do not like to cause trouble for themselves. They are never greedy or selfish if they can help it because they are not smart enough to think ahead. They like to sing songs and play games of Og-Ball, a sort of game which is like tiddly-winks but instead of counters, they use stone slabs. The troll who passed the Princess near Scrumpy Mountain was called Craag. He was simply stretching his legs while on-guard and he soon returned to the dam that his brother and sister had made from great trees yanked out of the ground. Trolls would later lose their massive size and turn into beavers. Beside the dam in the river, there was a hut made by the trolls, a square-looking contraption made of a pulp of mashed stones, tree trunks and a special troll powder which, when hardened, was as tough as diamond. The hut was not made in pieces, like most men build houses of brick and mortar, but was just one piece that was then nailed to the ground. There was even a front porch and a chimney.

Anyone there? Schraag, the younger sister, asked her brother as he set his club down beside him. Nope Craag grunted, accepting a bucket of Scrumpy from his older brother Draag. Craag didnt know that the Princess and the Warlock had followed him and were watching from one of the trees. The three trolls bursts out into one of their songs which seemed to give them great joy.

Were happy; were jumpy Weve stolen all the Scrumpy! We blocked up the rivers To satisfy our livers! Were the clever trolls who have all the cider, just for us! And well drink it all, we three, so please dont make a massive fuss! Oh isnt it so yummy? It feels so funny in my tummy! Well dip our glasses into the stream! The taste of it is like a dream! Were the clever trolls, as sneaky as a sneaky alley cat! Lets all raise our mugs and sing- hey-ho, Ill drink to that!

So, theyre the ones who have taken our Scrumpy! the Princess said in a frustrated whisper, how dare they? That was meant for everybody! She did not whisper softly enough for Schraag perked her floppy ear at the tree and the Warlock had to grab the Princess away and head back to Karl and Rufus who were playing in the morning light. Schraag had her fingers around a crossbow she had stolen from a nearby village.

What shall we do? Karl said, his long neck between Rufuss jaws, its okay. Rufus is a vegetarian We could trade them something the Warlock suggested but the Princess,

mad that her kingdoms supply of cider had been taken by three trolls, was so annoyed that she came up with a better plan. They had to wait until the next morning before they could put their plan into action and so Rufus and Karl tussled playfully like old friends and the Warlock and the Princess spent the day taking long walks, talking about how the kingdom had missed her, and the Warlock would stop every so often to perform some piece of magic to try and impress the Princess.

After the trolls had drunken their weight in Scrumpy (gallons and gallons which could easily knock down even the sturdiest of drinkers), they retired to their hut where they had blankets woven from dried flax leaves. As Craag and Draag slept, Schraag still could not feel like they were being watched so she kept her crossbow with her by her bed. Groggy as she was, she could still smell smoke filling the hut. Craag! Draag! Wake up! Karl had been puffing fire down the chimney in order to, quite literally, smoke them out. The three trolls rushed out of the house just in time before the entire hut caught ablaze. As soon as they rushed outside, Rufus was there to greet them and on top of Rufus was the Warlock, and a very annoyed Princess. Stay away from our cider the Princess boomed in the light of the twinkling stars, or else I dont know what Ill do but you can bet that it wont be very pretty The trolls scattered. Craag ran down the river, Draag ran up the river and Schraag raced into the forest. Trolls have a great fear of dinosaurs because the dinosaurs are their natural predator. When the trolls had dispersed, the four heroes fell about laughing. What fun the Warlock mused. The Princess patted him on the shoulder, her touch giving the Warlock goosebumps. Surfs up she said, as the Warlock drew his thin shiny black wand and with three swishes of the wrist, commanded the entire dam in the Scrumpy river to fall apart and the pressure that had built up was suddenly released. Cider sprinted down the stream with a heady charge. We did it the Warlock smiled at the Princess, taking her hand and the two

watched as the river that they had set out to fix returned to normal. The Princess was happy and yet saw something shine for a second in one of the trees- the tip of an arrow heading straight for the Warlocks heart. The Princess spun around and instead of piercing the Warlocks heart, it pierced the Princesss heart. Karl blew fire at the tree and out fell Schraag who was burnt alive but it was all still too late for the Princess.

6. THE WARLOCK

On the journey back, the Warlock was distraught. The universe was not kind enough to let the Princess live and it was not fair, for the Warlock had loved the Princess and she was dead and no amount of magic could bring her back to him. When they arrived at the Kingdom of GEshi, there was great sorrow and grief for the Princesss death. The Warlock helped bury her in the castle grounds and then realized that he must tell the Princesss twin that her sister had died helping her people so he traveled to a land very far away, without dragon or dinosaur, until he came to a small rural village where he found the home he needed to find. He didnt know how to explain that she had died saving his life and so he waited silently for answers to come to him. While he waited, he saw a little girl with brown hair play with a ball. She was so like the Princess that she could only be the niece of her. As she played, the Warlock turned himself invisible so as not to disturb her. The little girl had a merry time before dropping her ball in the well. Though she tried, she could not reach it for the well was very deep and very dark. The Warlock felt better as he used his magic to bring the ball from the pit of the well back to the girl. That was when the Warlock had his great thought- he would pay penance for the Princess dying in exchange for his own life. The Warlock remained invisible and stayed with the little girl, helping her with puzzles, saving her from bullies and vowed

to help her as he would help the Princess. When the little girl grew up and had children, the Warlock did the same for them and when those children grew up and had children themselves, the Warlock cared for them to make up for what had happened all those years ago with the trolls.

The Warlock stayed invisible throughout all that time as he cared for the family of the Princess like a silent guardian watching over them. He stayed with the family as magic left the world and great forests were taken down, and smoke and straight lines and towers made of brick and glass rose up, taller than the clouds sometimes. Then one day, as he watched one of his wards, he was amazed that when she stepped into the bright sunlight, her beauty was exactly the same. Her smile could heal the wounds in peoples hearts, make the night air as warm as day, and make flowers bloom in the winter chill. For the first time in many ages, the Warlock took off his invisibility and approached her. Excuse me he said, speaking the first words he had said since he had left the Kingdom of GEshi, this is very strange but you are spectacularly beautiful. What is your name? The beautiful girl was bemused and almost blushed but she humoured him for she was as caring and as thoughtful as the Princess from long ago, my name is Jess The two sat in a park on the bright spring day. May I? the Warlock was almost embarrassed, may I tell you a story, Jess? Okay In the lands before people disagreed too much, there lived a Princess

The End.