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Pharaonormal Activity by Jacob Perlin & Jason Mesches

ROLES - Largest to Smallest MOSES TOUR GUIDE MORTY SHERYL COD MESCH TASK MASTER PHARAOH ZIPPORAH BURNING BUSH TRACY MORGAN SHEEP NACHSHON BENBOGUS HANK EDDIE PHARAOHS MISTRESS HEBREW SLAVE 1 HEBREW SLAVE 2

! EXT. SOMEWHERE NEAR THE DEAD SEA - DAY MESCH (eternal pessimist) and COD (lover of knishes) are on a tour bus with a bunch of old people. There is an ISRAELI TOUR GUIDE eating bamba and talking about the Dead Sea. TOUR GUIDE You see here on your right. This is the Dead Sea. However, she is very much alive. With salt. And Minerals. And mud that you can put on your face. MORTY (urgently) I need to pee! SHERYL We stopped 5 minutes ago, Morty! MORTY I didnt have to go then. SHERYL You always have to go COD I actually need to take a leak too. MESCH We stopped 5 minutes ago, Cod! COD I thought that was a snack stop, not a pee stop. SHERYL Why cant you do both at the same stop? TOUR GUIDE Okay, okay, we pull over. But no more stops until we get to the top of Masada. Beseder? ALL Beseder.

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Tour bus stops. MESCH and COD get out first, because the old people take longer. Because they are old.

! MESCH I cant believe you booked us on the geriatric birthright trip. COD I had no idea what geriatric meant.

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Cod needs a place to use the restroom, but there are not a lot of options. He sees a cave. COD Ill be back. Dont let them leave without me. MESCH looks over at the TOUR GUIDE speaking to MORTY who is being less discreet with his urination. TOUR GUIDE Morty, not on the bus! COD comes running out of the cave with a bag of tapes. COD Mesch! Mesch! You wont believe what I found! MESCH Jesus? COD No, I found a bag full of VHS tapes. MESCH VHS. What are those, like, 3000 years old? TOUR GUIDE walks over to MESCH and COD with a look of amazement. TOUR GUIDE Actually, there are 3000 years old. I believe you have stumbled upon... (dramatic) TOUR GUIDE (CONT) The Dead Sea Tapes. Cod pulls out a tape. COD

! This one says Baby in a Basket on it. MESCH Well, thats just great. Where in the desert, or for that matter, on this planet are we going to find a VHS player? TOUR GUIDE We have on on the bus! COD What does this bus not have? MESCH A bathroom? A female under the age of 60? TOUR GUIDE Well its at least 3 hours till Masada. Lets go to the videotape! TAPE 1 - EGYPT CHAIN SAW MASSACRE EXT. PYRAMID - CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY The Jewish slaves are on a lunch break. HANK I honestly dont know how youd pick Hebron beating Golan State. GSU is a 2 seed. EDDIE Hey man, I like the upsets. I was right about UJericho versus Shushan A & M. HANK I guess thats why they call it March Meshugana. EGYPTIAN TASK MASTER marches over. TASK MASTER Lunch time is over! Get back to work! These pyramids are not going to build themselves! HANK

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! Just proud to know that for generations to come people will always turn to the Jews when they need something built right. TASK MASTER Thats enough out of you. EDDIE Give him a break, hes just trying to keep it light around here. TASK MASTER I dont have time to keep it light! TASK MASTER takes out a whip and starts to beat the two Jewish slaves. Out of nowhere, a dark, deep voice. MOSES (VO) Youre going to want to stop doing that. TASK MASTER Who... who is that? MOSES (VO) Youre going to want to stop harming these slaves. Put down the whip. TASK MASTER Show yourself! MOSES, dressed in a hockey mask runs by the TASK MASTER and slices him on the arm. He disappears. TASK MASTER is bleeding. TASK MASTER Show yourself! MOSES, unseen, runs by the TASK MASTER again, this time pummeling him to the ground. TASK MASTER is in tears. TASK MASTER Show yourself! MOSES appears from behind a pile of cinder blocks. Still in his mask, he slowly approaches the TASK MASTER who is now trembling. TASK MASTER Show yourself!

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! MOSES raises his hand to deliver one final, life ending blow. Before he does, he removes his mask. MOSES Hineni. MOSES strikes with a fatal blow. EDDIE and HANK are in shock. EDDIE Thank you for saving us! HANK I know who you are. Moses, you are going to need to run. Youll be killed for this Fearing for his life, MOSES flees Egypy to the desert land of Midian. Fade to black. INT BUS - AFTER TOUR GUIDE If you look out on your left you will see my cousin, Shlomi. He makes the best schwarma this side of the Gaza Strip. COD Ooooh, I could go for a snack come to think of it. MORTY Im with the hairy guy. Snacks! Snacks! Snacks! SHERYL Would you two stop it. We need to get to Masada. What else you got in that bag of tapes? MESCH digs out another tape. MESCH The afikOMEN TAPE TWO - THE (AFIK)OMEN

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! EXT MOUNT HOREB - DAY MOSES is hanging out with JETHROs flock, playing with a video camera. He pans from the sheep over to his wife, ZIPPORAH. ZIP puts her hands over her face. MOSES Babe, babe, look over here. ZIP Moses, stop!! I dont wanna be on your movie. MOSES Oh come on! Just a little smile and a wave! ZIP shyly puts her hands down and waves. ZIP There, happy now? Ugh, Im going inside. The sheep smell and its hot. MOSES Suit yourself. Ill be out here with my ovine friends. ZIP Goodbye. MOSES flips the camera over to ZIP and zooms in on her tushie. ZIP (walking away) I know what youre doing. MOSES whips the camera away to the sheep. He notices one sheep is running away. Also, the sheep is TRACY MORGAN. MOSES Wait, stop running so fast. TRACY MORGAN Man, stop tellin me what to do, Moses. Always bossin me around like you own the place. MOSES Just chill out and slow down.

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! The sheep leads MOSES far away from where they were. Out of nowhere he sees a bush on fire. A voice speaks. BUSH Moses. MOSES turns his camera around to himself and looks straight into the lens. MOSES No way. Moses sees that the bush is on fire, but it is not in fact burning up. BUSH Come closer. MOSES steps forward. BUSH Ok, thats fine. Also take off your shoes. MOSES What? BUSH Just take them off. No shoes in the house, no shoes in front of God. Pretty sure Im being clear on the shoe rules here. MOSES God isnt here. BUSH Yes, God is. MOSES Where? TRACY MORGAN SHEEP Mo-dawg, you see that bush that aint burnin? That bush is burnin. Know what I mean? MOSES Im afraid not.

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! TRACY MORGAN SHEEP The bush is God. MOSES My bad. BUSH Your bad, indeed. Now Moses, Ive seen the pain our people are suffering in Egypt and you are the one I have chosen to set them free. MOSES But what if the people dont listen to me. BUSH They will. MOSES What if the Pharaoh doesnt let the people go. BUSH Ive got a few tricks up my sleeve. TRACY MORGAN SHEEP How many? BUSH Lets say... 10. The BUSH disappears. MOSES pants his camera over to the SHEEP who looks stunned. He pans back. Nothing. Fade to black. INT - BUS - DAY MORTY You said 3 hours. Its been 4 hours already. TOUR GUIDE Ehhhh, 3, 4, ehhhh 7 hours. Its beseder! Right, everybody? Beseder! Nobody says beseder. The seder is already going long as it is.

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! SHERYL Well maybe Morty, if you didnt always stop to use the restroom COD Speak of. I actually couldMESCH No chance, pal. TOUR GUIDE pulls out a tape and puts it into the player. TAPE 3 - PHARAONORMAL ACTIVITY INT PHARAOHS PALACE - NIGHT PHARAOH speaks directly into the camera he has clearly just set up on a tripod in front of his bed. PHARAOH Ok, hello. Hi. This is Pharaoh. Some strange things have been happening, and nobody believes me so I am going to capture it on film. Tonight. INT BUS - PRESENT AFTERNOON The VHS tape is paused TOUR GUIDE This is too scary to watch. MESCH Youll be fine. SHERYL Im with the bald guy, youll be fine. COD Wait, hit play. Look at that. In the early morning. MORTY Big deal, one morning Pharaoh woke in his bed. COD No, look. There are frogs in his bed.

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! SHERYL And front on his head. MESCH Frogs on his nose. COD And frogs on his toes! The entire bus sings in unison. ALL Frogs here! Frogs there! Frogs were jumping everywhere! BACK TO THE TAPE - UNPAUSED INT. PHARAOHS BATHROOM - MORNING PHARAOHS MISTRESS is standing by the sink brushing her teeth. PHARAOHS MISTRESS This is not normal. PHARAOH What? She turns on the faucet. PHARAOHS MISTRESS Last time I checked, the water should not be red. Im pretty sure this is blood. I think this palace is haunted. Im sorry, Im out of here. PHARAOH No, no, baby. Its not haunted. I promise. Im here to protect you. Ill never let anything bad happen. PHARAOHS MISTRESS Honestly, ever since those Jews started asking to leave Egypt, things have been getting weird. She exits. PHARAOH scratches his head and speaks to himself softly. PHARAOH

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! Things have been weird. And why does my head itch so much? INT PHARAOHS BEDROOM - 2:15AM

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Camera is set up on a tripod and we see PHARAOH fast asleep. For a full minute nothing happens. Then, the sounds of thumping. PHARAOH wakes up and grabs the camera to look outside. PHARAOH The cows are going crazy! What the heck is going on here? INT PHARAOHS LIVING ROOM - SAME DAY - 11:04AM PHARAOHS British Assistant, BENBOGUS, comes running into the room. BENBOGUS My lord, sorry to botherPHARAOH Benbogus, why do you have a black eye? BENBOGUS My lord, I was struck in the face by giant balls. PHARAOH Spare me the details of your personal life. BENBOGUS My lord, balls... from the sky. Hail! PHARAOH Right, Benbogus, hail. In the middle of Egypt. BENBOGUS Strangeness is afoot, my lord. Have you looked outside? PHARAOH Yes, the sun isnt risen. It must be early still. BENBOGUS It is 11:06.

! PHARAOH (whispers) My god... INT PHARAOHS BEDROOM THE NEXT NIGHT - 3:13AM

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Camera is set up on a tripod and we see Pharaoh fast asleep. The time stamp fast forwards from 3:13am to 3:21am. Nothing happens. At 3:22am a body appears and stands over Pharaoh, watching him sleep. The time stamp fast forwards from 3:22am - 4:17am. Finally the body bends down to Pharoahs ear. MOSES (whispers) Let my people go. FADE TO BLACK. INT - BUS - PRESENT TOUR GUIDE Terrifying. SHERYL Eh. COD Weve got one last tape. MORTY Ive got to pee! ALL Morty!!!!! MESCH I say we turn it on. TAPE 4 - DIE DAYENU EXT - DEAD SEA - DAY The Israelite slaves are standing at the shores of the Red Sea. MOSES and NACHSHON stand at the front of the pack. MOSES You do it. NACHSHON

! No, you do it. MOSES Okay, well go in at the same time. NACHSHON & MOSES (together) 1, 2, 3! NACHSHON You didnt jump! MOSES Oh, like you were going to! NACHSHON Didnt God talk to you and say hed handle this? MOSES God has brought us out of Egypt to be our God. I am sure hell do something to show us we should put our faith in him. All of a sudden there is a hub bub in the pack of Israelites. Word comes to the front that Pharaohs army is coming after them; PHARAOH has changed his mind. NACHSHON Well, God better act quick. HEBREW SLAVE 1 Maybe its a clap on kind of thing and the sea will split so we can walk through? The Israelites start clapping, but nothing happens. HEBREW SLAVE 2 I can ask my Twitter followers what do to. MOSES No, no. I got this.

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MOSES lifts up his staff and waits. The Red Sea majestically and magically splits in half.

! MOSES Holy Moses! HEBREW SLAVE 1 Bit self indulgent, dont you think? HEBREW SLAVE 2 We should walk through this thing before Pharaohs army catches up to us. The group moves quickly as PHARAOHs army is fast approaching. The army arrives at the shores of the sea and starts to walk through the dry land in the middle. MOSES God, please help us.

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The parted water comes crashing down on PHARAOHs army. They are all killed. HEREW SLAVE 1 looks at the water. HEBREW SLAVE 1 (whispers) I see dead people. MOSES We are all saved! Did anyone have time to pack up some bread for our journey? EXT. MASADA - ALMOST SUNSET COD eating some matzah and talking at the same time. COD Wow, how crazy is it that we found these tapes that were in the exact order of the Passover story? MESCH Is is pretty wild. TOUR GUIDE We have arrived. Everyone off the bus! Now, who would like to do the hike and who would like to take the tram? All of the OLD PEOPLE and COD raise their hands. MESCH nudges COD. He puts his hand down. TOUR GUIDE

! Okay, I go with the alta cockers. Mesch and Cod, we meet you up there. COD I guess this night will be different from all other nights. MESCH Because youre getting in a little cardio before dinner? COD Well, that, and the tapes proved that these stories weve been learning about our whole lives actually happened. I cant wait to show everyone. Maybe Ill give Oprah or Kate the exclusive. MESCH Speaking of the tapes, where did you leave them?

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We see the tour bus driving away and for the first time we see the face of the driver. It is ELIJAH the Prophet. The song Chariots of Fire plays as the tour bus takes off into the sky. MESCH Holy Mesch! COD Seriously? MESCH Couldnt help myself. How will we ever get back? If we start walking now, by next year well be in Jerusalem. COD Thats perfect. I brought enough mana snacks in my bag for us to get there no problem. ALL Next year in Jerusalem! FADE TO BLACK THE END.