ly n n e h a c k l e s

Paid to be frivolous!

PAID TO BE FRIVOLOUS!
B Y LY N N E H A C K L E S

eing a speaker can bring in some extra income for a writer. One thing I have never had difficulty with is talking, especially when it comes to talking about myself and my passion for writing. Ive spoken to many other writers at their group meetings or at writers days, weekends, and weeks. A new one for me was giving a talk to non-writers. Id applied to become a speaker for the Womens Institute and, after a very long wait, my name had come up and the good ladies had asked me to audition for them. It wasnt exactly the X-Factor but it was still an audition. Id offered two talks and was requested to give a sample of each. Now, being a writer, I know all about opening lines and grabbing your audience. Id once practised the very same technique on a visit to the doctor. He always sat there, head down, pen poised over his prescription pad and most of his patients had more than a sneaking suspicion that he didnt know who he was talking to as he never looked up. He was into voice recognition and knew his patients were either male or female. On one visit I was determined to get his full attention so, on walking in and seeing him in his normal pose, I said, loudly, Id like a sex change. It worked! (Not the sex change Im happy as I am. I mean getting his attention.) I could certainly do the same with members of the WI. They were giving me ten minutes so that meant five minutes per talk. A dramatic five-minute intro was written for both The 2 That Changed My Life and My Experience On Deal Or No Deal. Like a real pro I rehearsed them several times, making sure the timing was right and my arms didnt wave about too much. I have been known to stun someone in the front row of an audience by waving my arm with such force that my bracelet flew through the air and hit them between the eyes. The night arrived and I was ready. Was I nervous? No. Id been to bigger auditions than this. Once upon a time Id sat in front of a camera and been asked to talk about yourself for a bit. The words many writers love to

hear. They gave me five minutes, asked a few questions and then sent me out of the private room, audition over. As I walked along the queue of hopefuls, all waiting for a place in the line-up of Deal Or No Deal, I kept being asked, What did you have to do in there? and I, smiling sweetly, replied, Take all your clothes off. I passed that audition and the rest is history. If youre really interested you can see an account of my show at the Deal Or No Deal Fansite, www.dond.co.uk There were no cameras in the village hall. Seats had been set out and two members from each of the WIs in the area were there to represent their group. Some held sheets of paper. The really efficient ones had clipboards. Their task: to give scores out of ten for each speaker. There were nine and I was the last. We were served with tea and biscuits and asked to sit at the back of the hall. The meeting started on time with a few words from the Chairperson and then we were straight into the fi rst audition. My spirits sank with each one. No-one else had prepared their fi rst five minutes. They all gave samples of what they would talk about and not the actual words they were going to use. I am an expert on local history and have talks covering the social, economic and industrial history of This will involve slides I have sixteen different talks on the plight of Indias citizens. My talk will give you all the facts and information you need to know about the demise of the Barn Owl in the UK. They were all very interesting and Serious. And there was I waiting to do Frivolous. My hands shook. I was out of my depth. Auditionee Number Eight was covering Garden Design. What are you giving them? she said, so I told her how selling a readers letter had gone to my head and ever since receiving 2 for it Id gone on to forge a career in writing by conning people. She laughed. My name was finally called. I wobbled up the aisle to the tiny gap that had been designated enough space

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Paid to be frivolous!

ly n n e h a c k l e s

for a speaker. Thered be no strutting up and down and arm waving. I smiled at all the ladies, who had now been sitting on hard wooden chairs for over two hours, and made a snap decision. Id scrap my carefully prepared grab em and keep their attention words and, instead, tell them what Id said to Number Eight. Hello. Tonight I am Lynne Hackles. This morning I was a man. Yesterday I was Liz Wilden. Im a writer and use several different names. My talk, The 2 That Changed My Life is about how I, who had been asked to leave school at the age of fifteen so that the rest of the class could concentrate, ended up making a living as a writer. I told them how Id sold a readers letter for 2. We were watching seagulls by the River Severn in Worcester. Theyre a long way from the coast, I remarked to my friend. Oh, its not far if they come straight up the motorway, came her reply. I told them about the accompanying picture of two gulls in an open-top sports car and did a bit of arm waving as I demonstrated steering it. Then I confessed about going directly to the local newspaper and, on the strength of 36 published words, informed the editor I was a freelance writer, and asked for work. Since then, I told them, Ive sold articles, stories and books and live in fear that one day a hand will clamp on my shoulder and a voice say, Gotcha! You fraud.

It made them laugh too and that sound made me want to keep them laughing, which I managed, for my allotted ten minutes, in which time I managed to incorporate a bit more arm waving and hand-flapping. The Chairperson, who was in charge of the timer, slapped her hand on her clipboard to indicate that my time was up. I apologised to her for being frivolous and walked between the rows of now very fidgety ladies. Id overdone it. Gone OTT as I was often wont to do. But no. Several hands were waving at me. Have you got a business card please? I handed out my stock of cards, all thirty of them. After her thank-you all for coming bit, the Chairperson informed the hopeful speakers that, in due course, they would be told whether they were successful or not. Three months on and Ive not heard an official word. However, a dozen or more groups have already booked me. I can only assume that, because Lynne Hackles describes herself as a they havent waited for official butterfly writer flitting from short stories for permission, they are WI rebels. womens magazines, to non-fiction, novels, I think were going to have childrens books. Apart from poetry and fun and I promise Ill try not pornography she has tried everything and to knock any of them out with used several different names along the way. my bracelet. www.lynnehackles.com

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