EXT.

A JUNGLE
It is jungle-y.
NARRATOR (VO)
Once upon a in the jungle, the
fierce and evil professor, Dr.
Spud, known for his cruel and
devious inventions, made a
pilgrimage to find assistants
stupid enough to help him with his
inhumane projects. The jungle was
the last place he could turn to
after being banished from Potato
City.
DR. SPUD, round and stout with large snaggly teeth, emerges
from the jungle underbrush.
DR. SPUD
Here am I! Dr. Spud! I have
abandoned my life of society for
the jungle life-- I am in search of
those who may do my bidding! In
search of an ancient civilization!
In search of--- The Sweet.
A crack of lightning and thunder.
Dr. Spud stops in his tracks and looks around.
DR. SPUD
What is with this weird thunder
stuff? This is not the fekking
rainforest.
Another crackle.
Rain pours down.
DR. SPUD
Damnation!
A SWEET POTATO pops up then vanishes, unbenknowst to Dr.
Spud.
He shields himself beneath a shrubbery.
DR. SPUD
I will take solace beneath this
shrubbery until this infernal
pounding of wetness has ceased.
The pounding of a drum.
 2.

DR. SPUD
Wait a moment. That is not the
sound of rain! is the sound of-
of---
Another sweet potato pops up and vanishes, unseen.
DR. SPUD
THE SWEET POTATO TRIBE!
Dr. Spud begins to move across the stage (or whateverrr)
towards the sound of distant drumming. A crowd of sweet
potatoes follows him making native noises.
A noise makes Dr. Spud spin around to see them.
DR. SPUD
OH! MY DARLINGS! The Ancient Sweet
Potato Tribe-- you DO exist!
The cautious sweet potatoes recoil and look at Dr. Spud with
curiosity. A smaller one sniffs at him, then runs away.
DR. SPUD
No, no, my poor, uneducated tribe!
I have come to make you my own. I
will teach you the ways and you
will be my precious servants
forevermore!
The potatoes come nearer.
DR. SPUD
I have many experiments to be done
in the name of science, my
darlings, and you, only you, my
stupid, malformed little potatoes,
are silly enough to help me!
The curious potatoes finally surround Dr. Spud and give a
great cheer. Dr. Spud laughs joyously as they crown him with
a foil crown, then he turns to us.
DR. SPUD
Stupid creatures.
(to the tribe)
Now here, carry my library.
A huge stack of books appear, which he shoves at the tribe,
nearly smooshing them as they try to carry it.
FIVE YEARS LATER.
 3.

VO
Five years later, an unlucky
couple, Jack and Petunia by name,
find themselves lost in the very
same jungle that Dr. Spud
trespassed.
Jack and Petunia Potato make their way clumsily through the
jungle, while members of the sweet potato tribe pop up
randomly, unseen.
PETUNIA
Jack, I think we’re terribly lost!
What are we even doing here!?
JACK
I don’t know! Everything was okay
until you broke the compass.
PETUNIA
That was a meat thermometer!
JACK
Well whatever, now we’re lost....
The sound of drumming.
PETUNIA
What’s that!
JACK
W-T-F!
All of a sudden Petunia and Jack are caught in a hairnet and
held above the ground. The sweet potatoes come out with
their sticks and laugh and dance around their captives.
Dr. Spud comes out.
PETUNIA
Look! A non-native! SAVE US!!
JACK
Save us!
Jack starts crying.
DR. SPUD
Silence! Cease your painful
twitter-balling, such headaches it
gives me.
Jack stops crying.
 4.

DR. SPUD
Good, good. Ah, little ones... you
must understand. For years I have
been here, in this jungle with my
Sweet Tribe. Working on my evil
inventions, making the tribe do my
bidding. But at last, at last you
are here, and I may put my
invention to the test!!
JACK
What?!
PETUNIA
No!! What is it?!
The Tribe appears with a grater type thing.
DR. SPUD
My darlings, in this country most
notable for its cannibalism, I am
going to transform you-into-FRIES!
The Sweet Potato Tribe gives a cheer.
JACK
What?!
PETUNIA
Noooo!
The Tribe drops the grater for a moment.
DR. SPUD
NO! YOU STUPID, STUPID DEFORMED
POTATOES! Can you not do anything
right?!?! Stupid! Stupid!
The Tribe begins to look at one another, annoyed.
DR. SPUD
Pick up the grater! PICK IT UP I
SAY!
What?!
PETUNIA
Nooooo!!!
The Tribe moves closer with the grater.
Dr. Spud laughs evilly.
Suddenly, the Tribe seizes Dr. Spud.
 5.

DR. SPUD
What! Wait! What are you doing!
THE TRIBE
We’ve had enough of your nonsense
Dr. Spud! You’re going down!
DR. SPUD
What! No!
JACK
What?!
PETUNIA
Yes!!!!!
DR. SPUD
You’re supposed to be my servants!
My little imbeciles! What is this
mutiny!!
THE TRIBE
We’ve educated ourselves, Dr. Spud!
Flashback to Sweet Potato Tribe reading Machiavelli with a
flashlight while Dr. Spud tosses and turns in the background
late one night. End flashback.
THE TRIBE
We know what you’re about, and we
won’t take anymore of your abuse!
The Tribe, amidst the protestations of Dr. Spud, shove their
captor into the grater.
He becomes a basket of fries. They cheer. They set Jack and
Petunia free.
PETUNIA
Oh you darling little... things. We
must take you to civilized lands!
JACK
Yes!
PETUNIA
You will be our darlings!
JACK
We’ll be on Oprah!
 6.

PETUNIA
CNN!
JACK
Hurray!
The Tribe cheers until Petunia and Jack continue to name
news programs and publications. Finally, they shove the both
of them into the grater as well, give into their cannibal
urges, and feast.
They party hard, and all is well in the jungle.

THE END