Link to plot (will ruin ending:) https://docs.google.

com/document/d/19gC-Apq-WWoqwJKKrnnbOF-MO4l1dCW2gbpP6zAGAZ4/edit

My Novel
Authors note
This novel is a little different than what most are probably used to. In this novel you will be reading about a person no not a male not a female but a gender nonconforming young adult who is facing challenges faced by a lot of people in the LGBTQ community. I ask that as you read this novel you will step into the shoes of the main character and keep an open mind and remember that everyone should be respected, loved and accepted in this world.

Prologue Chapter One

I have never fit in before. I have never been normal before. I have never once walked into the room without feeling that everyone was judging me and was ready to hit me with words of unkindness. I never thought of myself as a respected person or a person of good nature or charm. I used to pretend as if I was one of the normal ones though. I fit in, I acted as if I wasnt feeling insecure about myself and around others. I used to pretend as if I wasnt different as if I didnt feel......... well unnormal. I am different though Ive always known since I can remember the feeling as if I wasnt who my parents wanted me to be. Ive always never really thought about treating anyone differently based on their gender or the way they were brought up or raised. I even used to play with barbies, and dressed up in clothing that was considered more girly or unacceptable to wear because I was male and not female. I grew up in a home where we prayed before meals and we went to church every Sunday I never felt okay about who I was until I met people at my school who were like me and accepted me for who I am. I am gender nonconforming this means that I am not a dude or a chick I am right in between I am also bisexual meaning I dont care if you're a dude or a chick if you're cute, sweet, funny, loving, nice, tall, or anything that makes me fall in love you well then I, and I am attracted to you then I will definatly date you. Now heres the thing at my school I am an open bi sexy GN (gender nonconforming) person, but at home not so much. Okay heres the thing my home is filled with Roman Catholics thats right. Now dont judge right away calm down. Now Im not saying all Catholics dont believe that

being gay means you're going to Hell. Im saying that my parents do. In fact when one of the kids in my town came out and committed suicide being he felt as if no one loved him. My parents sat down with me and told me he was going to Hell because in our faith according to the bible the way that our church interprets the word of God anyone who is promiscuous with a person the same gender will go to Hell. Im afraid.... actually thats not even the right word I am terrified to come out to my parents. At school its easy if a person doesnt like me I have the fuck you I dont need you in my life mentality and I dont care. Why? because I have friends there who love and support me, but heres the thing at home its different, complicated its as if I say this my whole entire family will be against me. I dont know want that I dont think any kid wants that. I love my friends there my supporters, and the people I go to for everything. I learned that from them who I really am and they helped me find myself I have no reason not to love be thankful that I have them in my life. At school its as if I can be myself I dont feel judged or scared or worried that Im going to be alone. I know that the bullying is always going to happen no matter where I go or who I am with, but at the same time I know that if I do get bullied its okay because I will not be alone Ill have my friends there to protect me and be with me throughout my whole high school experience. Last year in my freshman year it was horrible. I felt like I was being judged, and my friends werent the people I would normally hang out with. I just wanted to be cool to fit in, but now I know that was a mistake. Last year I found out our school had a GSA (gay straight alliance) I found out by going to those meeting during lunch who I was and that Im not alone. All the members helped me find myself and we developed almost a family like mentality. It feels good knowing that Im not alone facing these challenges. It also feels good that now I understand other sexualities and that although were different were all facing the same issues of insecurity and trusting. The hard part though is coming home. When I leave school I hop on my bike and bike to the gas station there in the bathroom I change out of my school clothes of skinny jeans and girls Hollister shirts and my purple skater schools, and put on my khakis and my polo shirt and change into my matching belt, tie, blazer, and shoes. I then leave the gas station hop on my bike and head to my friends house where behind his garage is another backpack where I swap out my purple backpack with gay pride buttons, band buttons, and all sorts of keychains with a simple black laptop carrying bag. After that I proceed to sit on the patio furniture and begin going through my laptop and hiding all folders that even speak of anything my parents would say is against my religion including all pop bands

(especially my favorite Lady Gaga or Mother Monster.) I then take out my journal and hide it in a special box i buried right behind the garage under the backpack. Then I hop on my bike and as Im biking home delete everything off of my iphone and then text my church friends about how I helped a classmate understand religion. Then I go home and this is the best part guys I go into my room and kiss my little brother Anthony who takes naps around the time school ends for me and hop in my bed and read the bible and do devotions. Then on Wednesdays I teach young christians about the power of God and Jesus and how much he loves us all, and then I attend a special religion class for young adults about our bodies, sex, abortion and all that fun stuff. Finally on sundays I sing in the church choir or I read for the mass. As you can see my home life and my school life is completely different if I acted at home the way I did at school I would be sent to confession more times than I can count on my fingers, but it bothers me I have to hide who I am around them. Have you ever carried your backpack to school on the first day and felt how heavy it is filled with all your school supplies and other stuff that you dont want others to know about? Well thats how it feels 24/7 around my house. I hate keeping secrets from my parents ever since day one I was terrible at lying to them and hiding things, but now its like Im a completely different person but the guilt still kills me every day. Im living a lie around family members, students, and faculty at my church. It kills me to have to make two twitter, two facebooks, two emails, just to keep who I am from everyone else. I really do wish it was different but it isnt. I have learned to deal with it and to be perfectly honest Im proud of that. I live two lives and for now it just works a lot of the people in group says its hard to come out to family and its best to wait until Im ready so thats what Im going to do, but Im terrified I mean I dont know what theyll say or do.. what if they kick me out? or send me to a pray the gay away camp!?!?! What if they yell at me and lock me up in my room? What if they take away all my awesome clothes I have stashed at my friends house? Im so scared and nervous and I can feel the anxiety inside of me begin to rise just talking about it. My biggest fear though is if they find out another way before Im ready. Like they stumble across my friends neighborhood and they're all like lets visit Jeremiah today and then Id sit there and argue for a while and then bam they see something that used to be mine but is now a lot different and covered with gay pride stuff and they start asking questions. Or what if they see me kissing a guy I like. Or what if they see me looking at gay you know videos and such........, or what if they see my tumblr! Oh now Im scared out of my mind. What will I do if that happens? What would I say? There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, I cant believe

this is happening to me. Ive got myself all shaken up over events that are probably not going to happen Im just going to try to think about the positives. In fact Im going to make a list, yes one of the many forms of writing Im good at and love. ListofpositivethingsInmylife: 1.Myfriends 2.Mychurch 3.ThefactthatImabletohidemygaynesssowell 4.Myeyesareapparentlyamazing 5.Myfashionsense 6.Myclothes 7.Myteachers 8.GSA 9.Jeremiah 10.Myfamily 11.Mydog(theonlyoneinmyfamilywhoIvecomeoutto:P) 12.Mysexyness Okay I made my list and I have to say things are looking brighter now, and I feel a bit more happy. I believe the best ones are numbers 11 and 12 and like I said before Im sexy and I know it anyways theres something else I didnt include on this list. James. James is the hottest, straightest, most muscular, smart, blonde, hot, fun loving, hot, humorous, hot guy in the whole entire world and did I mention hes HOT.... and straight. I cant have him and thats the worst thing about it, and why I didnt include him on my list. Hes my gym partner and we run together and talk about meaningless things and the whole time I drool over him and want him to be mine. I know it sounds so stupid and I know Im jumping topics like crazy, but I really like him and I want him. I want to curl up next to him on the couch late at night, I want to go out for ice cream and split a sundae. I want to go to the movies only to make out during chick flicks. Hes my friend... sort of. We train together after school sometimes for sports and hes like the straightest guy I have ever met, but I keep flirting and I keep making things awkward but to be honest I dont care. He has never once made fun of me, or tried to hurt me. Hes stood up for me in the past and hes hot and his ass... God.. sorry back on topic of how I cant get have him. One day for football (yes I play football shocker!!) we had to stay in hotel rooms

and its four guys to a room with only two beds and lucky me I got to share a bed with James. Now I know where all your minds are going no we did not sleep together sheesh guys One year for Halloween all my fellow football players and I went trick or treating. Now most people think of Halloween as the gay Christmas and for me that night basically was. James and I basically stayed together throughout the whole experience then after the trick or treating was over we all stayed at my house for the night. Now here comes the big, beautiful wrapped present under the tree. James, and I basically slept right next to each other after crashing after playing video games until 7am. Now we also had school in the morning but luckily for us it was a half day and for our school that means we start and 12pm. and end school at 3pm. (I know its awesome right!) so until around 11 am. James and I slept right next to each other and shared a blanket! It was amazing except hes straight.... This afternoon my mother asked me why I am a member of the GSA at my school. Apparently the school called to let my mother know that there is a conference I can go to that will be covered by the club, and my mom was shocked but played along like she knew what was going on. When I returned home from school she asked me how I was able to get into the club without her or my father to sign a permission slip and why I was apart of the GSA..... I came out... That afternoon after school I spilled my guts to my father and my mother (my mother asked me all the questions while my father tried not to cry) it was the most horrific thing Ive ever had to do in my life. After I was finished I answered my mothers questions about how long I knew, if I had a boyfriend, how I knew, and If I was still a virgin. Then my mother told me to stay seated as she got up and walked into her room. She stayed there for a long time before returning to the table with a bible, the whole time she was in her room though I could hear her sobbing and all my father did was look out the window and tried not to cry and then a couple minutes into the silence he broke it by saying, you have ruined everything for yourself son then turned back to the window and the silence worsened. After my mother returned to the table she handed me the bible she had and I realized it had tear stains on it and inside there were bookmarks and sentences and passages highlighted and underlined. I realized then that this is one of the bibles that a church member made to help show that homosexuals are against the bible and then I realized that there are many more under her bed in times of need, and thats what all

those bibles were for. I guess she uses them to parent us through the hard times, and when I had the birds and bees talk she used a bible then to, but I realized something different about the bible. Inside there were tear stains that means she opened it and read the passages. I then felt horrible as if I was now an outcast which was exactly what I expected to happen. My mother and father took my hands and prayed for me the my mother took the bible she gave me and turned it to the back cover. Inside there was pamphlets for something similar to pray the gay away and that moment I was scared, my mother handed them to me and said, I love you, but I hate that sin that you have allowed to take control of your life here you may read about a program that will allow you be freed from that sin. She then left me and my father got up and walked right past without looking at me. -I felt horrible as if the world was going to end I couldnt help but start crying at that moment. I wanted to curl up in a ball I ran into my room and closed the door i began throwing a temper tantrum and throwing things and yelling and screaming i felt as if everything that i've been keeping inside came out it was horrible I wanted to just run away and never come back so thats what I did i ran I rushed out my window and hopped in my backyard there i began to run i ran all the way down my street and turned and twisted down roads i didnt care where i was going all i wanted was to get out o f that home that place where i didnt belong but then i knew where i wanted to go Jamess house so i ran there as fast i could and i got there in no time I banged on his door until someone came and as soon as that door opened i felt relief there standing in front of me was the hottest guy in town and the one I loved I started bawling as he took my hand and walked me up to his bedroom he hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder without asking me anything After I was done crying, which was a long time, he sat down and said what happened then I spilled my guts I let everything inside come out and I slowly began feeling better it was as if just letting everything out made it better for me and easier for me to get through it. James then got up and went over to his tv where he put in a game in his Xbox and tossed me a control, we played until it was time for him to have dinner then the most marvelous thing happened... James kIssed me It was perfect, amazing, and just what I needed he smiled and then took my

hand and led me to the front door and then he escorted me outside where he said goodnight, be safe and I play for the other team and that was a one time thing I didnt care about that last part all I cared about was the fact that it happened he kissed me and it was all going to be okay. I ran home and when I returned my father grabbed my arm and let me to the bedroom where I realize that Anthony was not there. My younger brother had to switch rooms because I was bi what kind of a world do we live in where its okay for him to now sleep in a room with my two younger sisters but not with his older brother just because hes bi. I was confused but in all honesty i was still in the world of james. I hopped into bed and since it was almost time for dinner at my house I hopped on my phone and called jeremiah were I gushed about the kiss and then I was called to dinner. Dinner went as normal and when Anthony asked why he had to share a room with his sisters my parents said that I was dealing with a lot in my life and I needed a quiet space to think. they werent lying they just didnt want to say that Im different and they didnt want my younger brother to be exposed to my differentness. I was happy though that my parents still seemed happy and willing to listen about my school day and all the normal things, but after dinner we started a new tradition. After dinner my mother and father came into my room with me where we prayed and asked God to heal me and get rid of the sin and the demon inside which caused me to be bisexual and G.N then we did devotions specifically that were in the handout about being a homosexual and then we did regular prays like we usually did before bed but then I swear the best thing ever happened. My mother looked at me and said I love you and I want you to know that if you ever feel uncomfortable with anything during our prayers or church let me know and we can take a break and try to understand each other thats when I felt like it was time to also break the news that I dont want to change and I am happy with who I am. My mother and father took it well with tears in their eyes they said that I can move down to the basement and they would try to accept who i am and love me. I appreciated it and i took their offer and now I am a little happier but heres the catch we came up with rules I have to follow so in a notebook heres the rules my mother, father and I came up with. MarksRules 1.Nocomingouttoanymorepeople 2.Notalkingaboutboysaroundyourfamily 3.Nosleepoverswithanyoneanymore 4.YouwillstilllivebytheTenCommandments

5.Youwillstillbedoingdevotionsanddressingproperlyathomeandpublicareas withthefamily 6.Youwillnolongerbeabletoaccesstheinternetfromanddeviceunlessatthe kitchentableonthefamilylaptoporatschoolandmostthingswillbeblocked 7.Youwillactresponsiblyandrespectfully 8.Allusualpunishmentsusedinthepastwillstillbeused(havingtoreadandreflect onbiblepassages) So yeah those are the rules, and now most kids would freak out and throw a fit, but to be honest Im just happy I dont have to carry around that secret and guilt anymore.

Chapter Two
I saw him in the coffee shop sitting there with the newspaper minding his own business. I saw him just sitting there acting as if nothing was wrong. I saw him sitting there just thinking and pretending. Pretending hes where hes supposed to be pretending hes not hiding something. My father was supposed to be at work, making money supporting our family while my mother volunteers and makes a difference in the community, the church, the world. I swear I have biked by that coffee show at least 15 times wondering if thats really him and if so why he isnt at work it definitely isnt his lunch break its way to earlier and school hasnt even started yet. Im confused, worried and I wonder why he lied to my mom. Im trying to calm down maybe hes there to meet up with a fancy businessman interested in working for the same company as my father. Just then Jeremiah passes by me and stops abruptly then he looks at me and says just what ive been thinking did your dad lose his job? cuz isnt he usually at work by now? and thats when I started crying, now I dont think you understand how girly I can get because I swear my voice kept squeaking so much and the tears kept coming I felt horrible. My father lied and now I wanted to reassure myself I talked with jeremiah and we agreed to go to the coffee shop everyday to check and see if hes there for a week and if he is then we know the truth. --We passed by that coffee shop everyday and each day he did the same

things say goodbye to my mother grabbed his lunch pail and briefcase and went in this car then headed for the coffee shop i dont care about anything anymore but i want to know whats up and why hes doing this and why he doesnt have the ball to tell my mother. He thinks Im going to hell if he keep doing this i wouldnt be surprised to see him there. Now i'm also wondering about what else he has lied about and if i really should be proud to be his son anymore I swear what am I going to do about this. Jeremiah thinks i should record each morning for a week and then ambush him with the evidence at dinner but i dont know i guess Im too much of a wuss i want to know the truth but i dont know how im going to get it and if and when I should bring it up and where. Ugh so much stuff running through my mind. I really want to know why hes being such a hypocrite its like he yelled at me for lying about the gsa thing and me foraging there signatures for just about 2 hours and now he pulls this shit. I keep talking to Jeremiah about it but now I really want to talk to James, but to be honest im afraid to. I like James and after that kiss things have been a little more awkward and things seem to slowly be getting back to normal and I dont want to ruin it. Maybe my father will grow a pair and say something before I have to yup thats it, that is going to happen I can feel it in my bones. Or maybe when mom and dad come in my room to say goodnight and talk to me about any troubles Im having or if I need anything right before I go to bed hell bring it up. I really honestly dont know what I am going to do. Ive never had to deal with this before and Im known to overthink things and dramatize them but I keep thinking to myself maybe just maybe Im normal and everyone else around me is weird. Im Gods child so Im perfect just the way I am and hopefully my father will realize that he has to let my mother know that he lost his job or hes on vacation or something I really dont know and Im trying to make it seem like its nothing when really im freaking out. Now the big question: how are we making money? See heres the thing my mothers the traditional stay home mom who volunteers for everything and im not even kidding you everything its like she hears one opportunity and she has to get involved its crazy but good for us also, because it means that people like me because of my mother. I love her to death but the problem is that now that dads not making any money Im worried about what hes doing to provide for us. I hope they're not going through their savings account like wildfire or my college fund. Oh goodness what if hes taking money from all of our bank accounts. I mean before father lost his job he earned a lot of money and we live in a big house its gotta be quite expensive right? What about my

sibling private school bills too what if theyll have to go to public school before they're ready oh no now Im even more nervous and scared, and they wonder why my grades are only averaging out to b Bs its because I get so nervous and tense and I worry way too much Im just concerned for my family shouldnt they be happy and proud. I might get a job that way since father lost his I can support our family and try to keep things sane maybe then father wont be so ashamed and secretive about the loss of his job. i also now wonder what happened how did he lose it did he do something wrong and what could he possibly do wrong?? Im not concerned worried, and scared ugh it feels so wrong to be questioning my fathers actions as he questions mine and whose to say this is even any of my business anyways? Maybe I should stay out of it or should I tell my mother? I have proof but at the same time maybe just maybe my father will find a sneaky little way to slide out of this mess and then everything will be turned against me it wouldnt be the first time something like that would happen to me. My main concern though is my brother and sisters. There my world I love them and I take care of them as well as I can bring their big brother (ugh I hate that word brother its like i'm not your brother or you sister Im your big sibling I guess I really dont know for sure.) I dont want them to become homeless or something because of my fathers recklessness, but Im going to stay out if it because Im not the mother or father or parent and it isnt my job to worry. On top of all this my school life isnt going so great. Im falling behind in a lot of my classes and I just dont feel as if I have teachers I can talk to about my problems with and I hate counselors. I was born hating counselors. They take a small issue and extend to a point where something going to snap and instantly you're in a huge mess, but some teachers are great two years ago I had the best teacher ever her name with mrs. pea she was always there and she promised to listen and only gave us advice when we asked for it, but of course she is obligated to report the horrible things people were holding deep down inside but for smallish issues she was always there. I used to email her but now I dont know. Shes christian and I dont how she will feel about me considering when I had a problem because I knew her from church we were able to openly talk about God and it was nice and I was able to work through a lot of my insecurities but now its different. My friends are great, but I just want an adult I come to, to seek advice, acceptance and understanding. I just want to make sure that who i am is okay and perfectly fine.