The Chumley Times

February 1938 Circulation 27 Price 1d Monthly

DISASTER IN THE AIR

From our Foreign Correspondant. In a statement from the Reichstag, Comissioner for Aviation Hermann Goering yesterday reported the loss of the recently completed Zeppelin Wewelsburg, during proving flights over the Carribean. The dirigible collided with another unidentified airship in poor weather, resulting in its complete destruction in a huge fireball. The tragedy was witnessed by passengers aboard the French luxury liner Ile de France which was carrying the President of France, Mr Leon Blum en route to New Orleans. Witnesses reported that the second airship appeared unscathed and even approached the Ile de France to warn it away from the area. Rescue ships summoned to the scene recovered a handful of survivors from the Wewelsburg, and a salvage team from the German Atlantic Fleet is reported to be racing to the area. Condolences His Majesty, King George has asked the German Ambassador to convey his condolences to the families of the victims. The mystery airship has so President Blum far eluded identification, but the President of the ISA, Mr Franklin August, has pledged to assist the German government in hunting down and apprehending the suspects. Mr August highlighted the recent alleged attempt to sabotage the airship Hindenberg and stated that aerial terrorism must not be allowed to fracture the newly forged bonds of friendship between the Old World and the New. Poppycock Rumours that the fugitives have been given sanctuary in Great Britain were described as poppycock by a Government spokesman. Tragic In the light of this tragic incident, this correspondant can only conclude that if God had intended Man to fly, he would indeed have given him wings.

Heroic Actor Scientist

Saves

By our Entertainment Correspondant Truth can indeed be stranger than fiction. In an act of bravery which could have come straight from one of his swashbuckling movies, the actor Neville Sinclair has been credited with saving the life of one of Englands foremost scientists. A source close to the esteemed thespian claimed that he was instrumental in rescuing Dr Harold Grindell-Matthews in an incident aboard an unnamed airship. Dr. Matthews, who came to public notice after allegedly inventing a Death Ray, was said to be trapped on board a crippled dirigible when Mr Sinclair, with no consideration for his own safety, freed the scientist and assisted him in parachuting to safety. Modesty When questioned about the incident, Mr Sinclair displayed his customary modesty and declined to elaborate, saying only that it was something any Englishman would have done.
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Famous Author in Mystery Accident

By our Literary Editor Renowned author and journalist Mr C.S. Forester is today recuperating in a local hospital after an alleged hit and run incident. A spokesman for the Royal Chumley Infirmary confirmed that Mr Forester was seriously injured, but conscious in the hospitals Vickers ward. The exact circumstances of the authors presence in Chumley Vale remain a mystery as the local police claimed that there had been no accidents reported in the area. Constable Wally Jenkins stated that the entire resources of Chumley Constabulary would be pursuing the matter. As the entire resources of Chumley Constabulary consists of P.C. Jenkins and his pet dog, and he continued with just as soon as Ive finished this pint, this correspondant does not expect an early resolution. Mr. Forester, whose works include The African Queen and The Peacemaker is reportedly composing his latest novel from his hospital bed. This newspaper can exclusively reveal that it will be called The Happy Return and features the adventures of Midshipman Bugler during the Napoleonic wars.

Editorial

The Chumley Syndrome

Picture an idyllic vale, nestling in the heart of the English countryside. Quaint cottages overlook a babbling stream, birds sing merrily in the trees and the locals go about their daily business seemingly without a care in the world. Sound inviting? Wish you could visit this modern Garden of Eden? Well, wish on dear reader, for you will not find the Vale of Chumley on any map. Nor will you encounter anyone able to direct you to this rural gem. For Chumley exists in a realm hidden from mortal view, a Wonderland without a rabbit hole. Whatever strange power obscures the Vale, it does more than simply hide it from view. Anyone passing through the area will take a turning to pass it by, or even travel straight through seemingly without noticing its existence. Even if you are lucky enough to meet one of the inhabitants on their infrequent trips to other parts, do not bother to ask them where they live. All you will learn is that they live in the country or, if you are very persuasive that they come from somewhere on the Plain. Indeed, no matter how hard you try you will soon find yourself losing interest in the whole subject, such is the power of the mystic obsfucation. Even the locals (and here I put my hand up) find themselves unsure of the exact geography. Is there a Post Office? I couldnt say, although I know that as soon as I need to post a letter I will have the answer. I am very sure there is a cottage hospital, but Ive no idea where (although I do believe that it has an excellent reputation for dealing with gunshot wounds). In fact, during the early 1920s, the entire population lost a year of their lives. No-one can remember what they were doing during this mystery period. So deep does the amnesia run that the loss of memory itself is often forgotten. One talent the inhabitants do all possess is that of finding their way home. You may well ask how the locals became local in the first place. That I cannot answer, although I note that those who find themselves drawn to the Vale tend towards the eccentric end of the social spectrum. My research into the source of the phenomenon leads me to believe that it may be associated with the standing stones which litter the area. These are collectively known as the Dancers or the Angels and local folklore credits them with protective qualities. However, as soon as I endeavour to delve deeper into the mystery, I find myself with the unaccountable urge to do a spot of gardening or walk the dog. Indeed, it is highly likely that you, my dear reader, will ever read this Editorial. Even if this copy of the Times were to ever pass beyond the Vales hazy boundaries into the wider world, you would have failed to notice it, or at best been distracted by an interesting stain on the wall before you had finished reading the headline. Indeed it is far more likely that any errant copy of this illustrious paper would have found itself wrapped around a fish supper long before it allowed an outsider to peruse its contents. And so I leave you, dear reader, to your shoe shining, your tea brewing or whetever else diverts you from this text, and wish you the Lords blessings from the quietest corner of Englands Green and Pleasant Land. At least I think its in England Rev D. Squalls Editor

Local News
The annual Chumley Fayre proved to be as eventful as ever. Lord Cholmondeley triumphed in all the shooting events as usual, but in a break with tradition, the Chumley Rules Polo All Comers Challenge ended with no fatalities. However, Lord Cholmondeleys Rolls-Royce did require two new wheels and a coat of paint. The Pink Gin Challenge was won by Mr Cyril Chuffington-Cholmondeley, while Miss Anabella James won the Guess the Weight of the Ammunition Crate for a record 10th year running. ___________________________________________

Classifieds
Elderly Peer seeks enthusiastic young female for good times. Experience with wheelchair and heavy weaponry preferred. GSOH. NS. SMG. TNT. Apply Chumley Hall For Sale: One Chefs uniform. Good condition. Slight bloodstains on collar, hence only 4/- Apply Chumley Hall. Situation Vacant: Due to an unfortunate accident, a vacancy has become available on the catering staff at Chumley Hall. Applicants should present their credentials to Mrs Milsom, Head of Below Stairs. Quick reactions essential. No Chinamen. Lost: Siamese cat. Answers to name of Mr Wong. Last seen in grounds of Chumley Hall. Apply Rose Cottage, Upper Chumley. Chap seeks gel for larks. Must enjoy jolly japes and getting into scrapes. Give Cyril a tinkle at Chumley Hall, what. GOSH. TTFN. Algy Rhythm and the Cryptographers play your favourite ukelele tunes every Wednesday evening at Chumley Church Hall. Contact Rev. Squalls for details Barmaid required. Outgoing personality essential. Own cudgel a bonus. Apply Spitoon and Musket, Lower Chumley during opening hours. Airship flights. See the Vale from the air aboard the dirigible Mercury. Contact Dougal Scott, Chumley Aerodrome Scrumpy. Locally brewed and guaranteed rat-friendly. Worst hangover youve had or your money back. Free delivery. Contact Jack and John, The Cider Men, Orchard Farm, Lower Chumley Aircraft parts. Spare parts for Bristol Balmoral. Now surplus to requirements. Contact Dougal Scott, Chumley Aerodrome Wanted: Beaters for annual Chumley Great Bustard shoot. All medical expenses paid. Apply Chumley Hall.
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HOROSCOPE
BY MADAME MORIARTY Editors Note: Due to unforseen circumstances, Madame Moriarty has been unable to provide this issues horoscope.

____________________________________ NEXT ISSUE:

An Interview with Lord Cholmondeley. Sidney Squalls finally publishes his long awaited audience with the ever-popular Peer. Includes the infamously foolhardy Chinese question. Also Inside Vickers Ward, a detailed report on the life of a patient in Englands leading facility for the treatment of gunshot wounds, written by Sidney Squalls during his lengthy stay. ___________________________________________