UNTITLED ROTISSERIE BASEBALL PROJECT by John Robertson

FIRST DRAFT February 20, 2005

FADE IN: INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT A dingy flophouse apartment complex. Harried, yet pretty, PENNY lumbers up a flight of stairs carrying two oversize grocery bags. Dressed in a nurse's uniform, Penny is accompanied by her overweight, bespectacled nine year-old OLIVER who constantly sports a runny nose. The jury is out whether or not Oliver rides the short bus. As Penny struggles to unlock her door while managing the groceries, WINGER (20's) pops out from next door. Winger has the soft, doughy features of a budding alcoholic. He also has a Big Gulp of scotch in case there were any questions. WINGER Hi, Penny. Didn't hear you come in. PENNY (QUIZZICAL) Why would you? OLIVER Hello, Mr. Showalter. Winger ignores the kid. WINGER Just doing my fantasy drafts. I've got a couple rotisserie roundrobins and an internet draft going, all at the same time. PENNY (NOT EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED) Great. WINGER You know, a lot of people don't realize how much work fantasy baseball is, but they pay baseball managers millions of dollars a year, and I'm basically doing the same thing for free. PENNY Interesting. Well, goodbye. Penny continues struggling with the door while balancing the groceries. Winger is oblivious to her plight. WINGER Say...I've got a question for you. I mean, you're a nurse, right?

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The uniform should answer his question. (DUH) PENNY Yeah.

WINGER Well, I've been peeing a lot lately. Is that weird? PENNY It's weird that you're telling me. WINGER So what do I do? Do I exercise? Should I eat more starches? PENNY I don't know. Drink less? Hmmm. WINGER Maybe. Thanks for the tip.

Penny turns to try to get into her apartment again. WINGER Oh...Something else. I understand that you're pregnant... PENNY Who told you I was-WINGER ...probably working long hours and youve already got this kid, right? Oliver. PENNY Yes.

WINGER And theres no husband or boyfriend around either, right? PENNY Yes. Please. Ask more questions. I love talking about this. WINGER Well, I was just thinking, that's gotta be kinda hard. So I just thought that if you ever needed any help... Penny considers this offer with due skepticism.

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PENNY You could help with the door here. Oh. WINGER Right.

Winger takes one of the grocery bags from Penny and helps her unlock the door. She and Oliver enter the apartment. See? WINGER That's the sort of thing I...

Penny SHUTS the door in Winger's face. WINGER ...was talking about. Winger turns and goes back to his apartment. INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A fetid one bedroom apartment. Winger takes a seat in front of a computer screen at his cheap IKEA desk and begins pouring over a large stack of spreadsheets. Rupert Holmes's "Pina Colada Song" plays in the background. Two muted TVs showing sports highlights and three homemade posters - 'DRAFT #1', 'DRAFT #2' and 'DRAFT #3'- are Winger's secondary focus. On one of the TV's, we see a NIKE ad featuring BOBBY BLANDS cranking baseballs homerun derby-style into the upper deck of an empty stadium. Blands is an good-looking, well-spoken ballplayer who would be an advertiser's wet dream if he wasnt such a jerk. Winger turns up the volume as we push in to the TV. INT. BALLPARK - TV COMMERCIAL - DAY Bobby turns and looks directly at the camera, making a slightly strained attempt at appearing affable. BOBBY Hi. I'm Bobby Blands. When I'm not winning batting titles, you'll find me relaxing at home with my wife Sheronda and son Daryl. The background morphs into a Rockwell-esque family barbecue with Bobby's wife and son cooking up some hot dogs. Bobby is still in his team uniform.

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BOBBY Now, not everyone can hit 58 homers in the majors; but everyone can experience the miracle of childbirth. The background and Bobby's family morphs away into a hospital clinic. Bobby sets his hot dog down on an operating table. BOBBY With the reproductive technology at The Lazarus Fertility Clinic, youll have no problem getting pregnant, and their advisors will help you find the procedure that best suits your needs, depending on how much you're willing to spend for a healthy baby. The camera follows as Bobby walks through the clinic, stopping to show the attributes of the facilities. BOBBY They offer a variety of techniques and procedures, and if you do the research, you'll see that the risk of a stillborn is really not as high as you might think. The background morphs again. Bobby is now outside the clinic. A phone number and some legal disclaimers appear. BOBBY So take it from me, Bobby Blands. Give The Lazarus Fertility clinic a try. You'll be glad you did. As Bobby flashes a thumbs-up, we cut to... INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Winger clicks the remote and mutes Bobby's commercial. After consulting the spread sheets, he talks into one of three cell phones. WINGER Okay, I'll take Turner. A loud RAPPING on the front door. WINGER It's open! Winger doesn't look up.

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The door opens to reveal a slightly out of breath CARL (early 30's) - scrawny, baby-faced paragon of arrested development. He clutches at his side which appears to be BLEEDING. CARL Hiya, Winger. WINGER Kinda in the middle of my drafts here, Carl. CARL Great. That sounds great. Paying little attention, Carl quickly slips on Winger's dead bolt and crosses to the window to see if he's been followed. WINGER I've been crunching stats for two months. Did you know Ogilvie hit .383 last year with no one on base, but only .232 with runners on? CARL I didn't. Hey, that reminds me. Do you have any extra money? Ah, geez. WINGER How much this time?

CARL Just a couple thousand. I tried betting on hockey, and as it turns out, I'm not real good at it. WINGER Who's booking you, Louie the Fish? Erik the Viking? CARL Frank the Mule. The Mule? WINGER He's a killer!

CARL You see, that's not fair. He does hire killers, but to my knowledge, he's never killed anyone personally. WINGER Hang on.

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Winger picks up another one of his cell phones. WINGER You there? I'll pick Lupus. need someone to bat clean-up. I

CARL Anyways, I got a little behind, and The Mule said if I don't get him his money, he'll gut me like a pig. I'm not sure what gutting is, but it cant be good. WINGER Yeah, I wouldnt think youd want any part of that. CARL Which is stupid considering that after tonight, I probably won't even owe... What do you think of Kwan's chances tonight? WINGER Who? CARL Michelle Kwan. You know, figure skating's princess of the ice. I've got $2300 on her at 4-1 at the Boitano Holiday Invitational. WINGER You bet on figure skating? CARL It's the only thing on tonight... that Yamaguichi's a bear, but this is Michelle's night. WINGER Jesus, Carl. CARL I win tonight, and I'm flush. I'll quit the life. I can't take the stress anymore. It's unhealthy. WINGER Are you bleeding? Carl looks down at his gaping wound.

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CARL Yeah, that's the other thing. You see, the Mule sent these two guys after me, and they kinda stabbed me a little. I've spent most of the night running for my life. WINGER Dude, you're getting it all over the shag carpet. CARL I tried to make a tourniquet out of my t-shirt, but then I blacked out for a minute, and when I woke up, they had followed the trail of blood. I barely escaped. WINGER There's some napkins on the table. You gotta clean that up, man. That's not cool. CARL What I found interesting is that things that are gangrene, really aren't green at all. Say, you don't have any antibiotics, do you? Wingers attention is focused on his computer screen. WINGER Crap, they just took Leak. waiting for him. I was

CARL ...Because it's starting to turn black. WINGER Here. Winger pours some of his drink on Carl's wound. Ow! CARL What'd you do that for?

WINGER Alcohol kills germs, doesn't it? CARL I think that's brain cells.

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Oh.

WINGER Right. CARL For old times sake?

So c'mon.

WINGER Look, it's not that I don't want to give you the money, it's just... we've been down this road before. You never pay me back, and when I ask for it, you say it wasn't a loan, but an "early birthday present CARL Sure. But that was the past. How can I change if you don't give me a chance to change? WINGER I mean, it's not like I have a whole lot of disposable income. Look at this dump. CARL Are you kidding me? sink. A hot plate. place like this. Youve got a Id kill for a

WINGER And, I just dropped all this cash on my entry fees for the fantasy leagues, plus I found out my mother's in the hospital again... CARL (INTERRUPTING) Yeah, mothers are the greatest. Look, time is kinda of the essence here. There is a loud POUNDING on the door. Hey! VOICE You in there?

WINGER Did you lead them to my house? CARL It's not me, it's the blood.

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WINGER Carl, you are ruining my draft night. This is important to me. CARL Look, I can avoid these guys for another night. But if Kwan doesn't pull it off, I'm just asking you to give some thought to helping me. You dont have to answer right now. WINGER I guess that's fair. CARL Also, I was wondering if you'd let me hide in your icebox for a couple of hours. The pounding gets louder. VOICE OPEN UP, GODDAMMIT! CARL That one, I'm kinda going to need an answer to right away. INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER Winger opens his door to reveal TED and JERRY - two hulking toughs covered in multi-colored tattoos. WINGER Can I help you? TED We're looking for Carl St. Claire. WINGER Sorry, I don't know a... Jerry grabs Winger by the throat and pins him to the wall. JERRY If you don't tell us where he is right now, I will cut you from end to end and do home surgery on your testicles. TED Jerry!

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JERRY What? TED What are you doing? JERRY I'm finding the guy. TED And is that the right way to go about it? Violence is not always the answer, you know. Fine. JERRY Then you do it, Mr. Perfect.

Jerry releases Winger's throat. JERRY I'm tired of you always nitpicking the way I do things. TED Jerry, let's not do this here, okay? Not in front of people. JERRY What-ever. INT. WINGER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS The refrigerator door is slightly askew. Carl has stuffed himself inside, and he is barely able to gasp for air. TED (O.S.) You're sure you haven't seen him? WINGER (O.S.) Positive. INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS TED And you don't mind if we take a look around? WINGER Knock yourself out. Winger takes a nervous drink before sitting down again.

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WINGER You'll excuse me if I don't give you the full tour. Ted and Jerry sniff around. Jerry peeks into the kitchen leading Carl to pull the door completely shut. Sensing movement, Jerry heads towards the refrigerator until... TED (O.S.) Whoa! Jerry quickly emerges from the kitchen, glock poised to fire. INT. WINGER'S BATHROOM - NIGHT Winger's bathroom looks like it belongs at a gas station. TED Boy, the air really does not circulate in here, does it? INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ted waves away the smell as he returns to the main room. WINGER Look, guys...It's the top of the fifth and I'm under the gun. I've gotta get back to the phones. JERRY He's lying. We should take him to the Mule. Ted eyes Winger cautiously. Finally...

TED You know, if you need a reliever, this could be Whitewoods year. WINGER You think? Jerry rolls his eyes. Let's go. station. The two toughs head to the door.

TED We'll check the bus

JERRY Why do you always have to embarrass me like that?

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TED Embarrass you?

What about me...

Ted and Jerry exit. Winger sighs in relief and takes another nervous drink of scotch before returning to his draft. (MUFFLED) CARL (O.S.) Help! Help!

INT. WINGER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Carl bangs on the refrigerator door, trying to get out. CARL (O.S.) Winger! INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS WINGER One sec! Let me just make this last pick! Winger hits a few buttons on the keyboard. CARL (O.S.) Im suffocating! WINGER (EXASPERATED) Just a second! Winger hits a few more buttons, then pauses for a second, proud of his selections. He then saunters in to the kitchen. INT. WINGER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Winger opens the refrigerator door. Carl, who has turned completely blue, falls out, gasping for air. Winger reaches around Carls convulsing body, and grabs a beer. INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - LATER Wrapped in blankets, Carl sits on Winger's couch, fighting off his chill. Winger finishes his draft over the phone. WINGER Which Agilar are you taking?... There's Alejandro and there's Arturo...If you don't know the difference, then I'm not telling.

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CARL You know, I really appreciate this. WINGER (COVERING PHONE) You realize you're going to have to stay in a shelter or something, right? CARL Oh, come on. WINGER I'm serious. 911 won't service this neighborhood. I can't have those guys coming back here. A resigned Carl recognizes it isn't worth arguing. INT. BAR - NEXT DAY Winger throws back a few in a dingy bar. He offers a flirtatious smile to a string-haired barfly. She offers a scowl in return. He turns his attention to the TV. INT. NEWSCAST - DAY SPORTSCASTER ...and Michelle Kwan destroyed the competition last night in one of the most dominant performances in skating history. This sets up a showdown with Tara Lipinski at the Philadelphias Steel Blades Expo. We see video footage of a highly emotional Kwan screaming at the hordes of cameras gathered around after her victory. MICHELLE KWAN Where you at now, Lipinski? Huh? Where you at? You couldn't last two minutes in my world, bitch! You better bring it to Philly! You hear me? I will eat your heart! I will eat your children! Kwan violently shoves the cameras out of her face. INT. BAR - DAY Winger cocks his eyebrows in interest.

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EXT. CITY STREET- DAY - MONTAGE The soundtrack blares some fast-paced victory music as Carl Travolta-struts down the street. Fresh off his winnings, this is a man of confidence - hardly recognizable from the wretch who was stuffed in a refrigerator the night before. EXT. CITY STREET MONTAGE - ANOTHER ANGLE - MONTAGE Music continues as Carl comes upon some STREET KIDS whom he offers a convoluted series of handshakes. Carl playfully shadowboxes with one of the kids before doubling over in pain. A blackish red spot begins to form on his shirt. The street kid looks at Carl with concern, but Carl laughs it off in comic fashion and the kids do so in return. The effect is not dissimilar to a Mentos commercial. INT. HOSPITAL - DAY - - MONTAGE Music continues as Carl lies on a gurney while a DOCTOR repairs the burst stitch. Carl maintains a smile as the doctor draws a syringe into a vial that reads MORPHINE. EXT. CITY STREET- DAY - MONTAGE Carl has resumed his victory strut, albeit at a slightly slower pace. The music fades as we cut to... INT. RESTAURANT/BAR - DAY A Chili's atmosphere, with license plates on the walls and a peppy waitstaff. Carl shares a table and some buffalo wings with Winger who polishes off his third cocktail. CARL I'm telling you, you should have seen the Mule's face when he found out I won. It was priceless. He could not believe it. WINGER That's because you never win. CARL I gotta admit, he's a stand-up guy. After the debt was settled, there were no hard feelings. (MORE)

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CARL(cont'd) He even sent a get-well card for the stabbing. He didn't have to do that, you know.
WINGER That's nice. The personal touch. CARL Total class act. And I want you to know, I'm picking the tab up today to pay you back for all those years you helped me out. WINGER Carl, I've loaned you over seven thousand dollars. I don't see how one lunch could... CARL Man, it is great to win. You know? I mean, losing...that's the worst. But winning? I love it. WINGER Well, at least you're going out on top. I mean, you're done, right? CARL Oh, yeah. Totally learned my lesson. For now on, I'm sticking to what I know. Only ball sports. Football, basketball, boxing... WINGER Last night you said you were finished...and there's no ball in boxing! CARL Yeah, but boxing's the sport of kings. I can't give that up. WINGER No. No, it's not. Horse racing's the sport of kings. Boxing's the sweet science. You sure? horses. CARL I don't think kings ride

WINGER They don't box either. listen to me. (MORE)

Carl,

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WINGER(cont'd) You are a gambling addict. I had an uncle who chewed tobacco, so it's not as if I'm blind to addictive behavior. (TO WAITRESS) Could I get another long island iced tea, please?
The waitress nods and heads to the bar. WINGER Actually, while you're up, you might as well make it two. CARL Okay, first of all, lets not say addict, because that word can sometimes carry a negative connotation. Lets say enthusiast. WINGER Carl, you spent two hours hiding inside of a refrigerator with a near-fatal puncture wound because a Czechoslovakian goalie let a puck slip past his skate. I think that qualifies you as an addict. CARL Look, if you want to argue semantics, we can do that all day. But who among us isn't an (MAKES QUOTES SIGN) "addict" of some sort? WINGER Not me. (CALLING TO WAITRESS) Uh, sweetie? You want to hurry that drink order? People are thirsty. CARL And you can't just expect me to stop altogether. That's like telling a drug addict to stop eating cold turkey. Not to mention, I'm on a streak now. WINGER One win is not a streak. CARL Winger, you dont understand what it's like when you hit a rush. There's an energy that surrounds me - I can't do wrong. Its like...have you ever been in love?

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WINGER (SHAKING HIS HEAD)

Uh uh.

CARL Well, have you ever wanted something so badly, that you swore you'd never want again, if only it would fall within your grasp? WINGER Nope. CARL (CHANGING TACTICS) Alright...have you ever been so drunk that you had to get your stomach pumped? Oh, yeah. WINGER Lots of times.

CARL And didn't the doctor tell you that you should stop drinking? WINGER Yeah, I think so. of things. They say a lot

CARL And did you stop drinking? WINGER No... CARL And why not? WINGER Because of the numbing effect it has on my inner demons? CARL Exactly. Because you knew it was the right thing to do. That's what the thrill of the action does for me. I need it, Winger. It makes me feel alive. EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT Close on Carl's face. puffing. Drenched in sweat, he is huffing and

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TITLE: SIX MONTHS LATER CARL I wish I was dead. dead. I wish I was

We pull back to reveal that Carl is running for his life along the shoulder of an on-ramp for the freeway. Ted and Jerry give chase in a maroon Chevy Impala. INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Winger is watching a baseball game and drinking - not necessarily in that order. He keeps a boxscore of the game. WINGER C'mon, guys. Get it together! EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT Jerry swings a bat at Carl from the moving car which Carl deftly manages to duck. Carl is doing a fair job of avoiding them until he trips over some traffic cones. INT. WINGERS APARTMENT - NIGHT Winger hears some light noise emanating from the hallway. springs to his feet and is out his door. INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT Winger opens his door to find Penny with Oliver in tow. nearly full-term, Penny is enormously pregnant. OLIVER Hello, Mr. Showalter. WINGER Penny. Hey. Wow, you get bigger every time I see you. PENNY Yeah. Thanks for pointing it out. Oliver, go down and check the mail. OLIVER Okay. WINGER So what are you guys-Now He

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Penny shuts the door mid-sentence, leaving Winger and Oliver alone in the hallway. Winger is uncomfortable around kids. OLIVER Mr. Showalter, will you take me camping? EXT. FREEWAY SHOULDER - NIGHT Ted and Jerry have Carl by the legs, and are suspending him upside down over the railing of the overpass. TED You shouldn't have run, Carl. JERRY Thirty-two thousand dollars is a lot of money. Did you really think you were going to get away? Wait! CARL I have the money! I have it!

TED Then let's go get it. CARL It's not quite that simple. You see, I had the money, but then... Well, it's my mother. She's been really sick...and, uh...blind... She's had a really tough month. TED Oh, that's terrible. JERRY Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. Thanks. CARL That means a lot.

TED But I don't see what that has to do with why you haven't paid the Mule. JERRY Or whether or not we're going to drop you into oncoming traffic. CARL Well, like I said, my mother's been so very...blind, and...

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Ted and Jerry loosen their grip and drop Carl a few inches. CARL Please! You've got to give me another chance! I mailed you a check...my car ran out of gas...my computer crashed... (BAWLING) I swear she looked eighteen! TED Whaddaya think? JERRY I think we should let him go. CARL Really? Ted shrugs and they let him go -- over the overpass! CARL NOOO!!!!! Carl plummets toward the freeway, but miraculously manages to land -- thump!-- atop the big green freeway sign. EXT. FREEWAY SIGN - NIGHT Swinging like an acrobat, Carl dangles from the sign, twenty feet above the ground. Cars whiz by underneath his feet. CARL Ha! Keep underestimating me, suckers! Keep underestimating me! EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT Ted and Jerry peer over the guardrail at Carl. TED He's got gumption, you gotta admit. EXT. FREEWAY SIGN - NIGHT After a lapse in traffic, Carl lets go and drops to the pavement. He lands and comes up not that much worse for wear. A car swerves and CRASHES into the guardrail. Having narrowly cheated death, a smile creeps across Carl's face. CARL I'm going to make it.

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That's when another car SLAMS into him at fifty miles an hour. Carl is sent flying. INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Winger checks stats at the ESPN website (or a reasonable facsimile should the legal department have a problem). He scribbles in his various rotisserie league notebooks. He then opens another browser window and types in WWW.BIGASSBITCHES.COM (or a reasonable facsimile should the legal department have a problem). Carefully positioning some lotion and a box of tissues, he begins to click on the site. WINGER Man, I have gotta figure out how to work the mouse with my left hand. As he unzips, Winger spots Carl's face through his window. WINGER AAGGHH! Winger quickly covers himself as Carl lets himself in. Jesus. WINGER What happened to you?

CARL I got run over by a taxi, and I... Carl takes note of Winger's precarious positioning, the nearby lotion and tissues, and the flashing computer screen. CARL Were you jerking off to ESPN? WINGER What? No. No, I had porn up here. Here, I'll show you. Let me get it back up... CARL That's okay. I'll pretend to believe you. I just need to sit down for a second. With much effort, Carl lumbers over to a chair and sits. CARL (CONSPIRATORIALLY) You know, I once jerked off to a cookbook.

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WINGER Carl, do you need to go to a hospital or something? CARL I'm fine. The trick is knowing how to roll with the impact. WINGER Right. Uh, seriously, man, you don't look so good. You sure you're okay? CARL Actually, the spasms are so painful they make me pee myself. WINGER Right...you mind sitting on some newspaper or something? CARL Winger, I'm in trouble. WINGER Ah, jeez, Carl. Not again. I thought you were on a hot streak. CARL I was. Football, basketball. I couldn't go wrong. But then I got mixed up in Foxy Boxing. (RUEFULLY) You were right - that is no sport for kings. WINGER How much do you owe? CARL Unless I get $32,000 together, they said they were going to cut off my head and parade my lifeless body around on a stick. A beat. WINGER Well, that sucks. CARL Tell me about it.

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WINGER Well, sorry they're going to kill you, Carl. I always liked hanging out with you. CARL Thanks, Winger. Me too.

WINGER So can I get you anything before you go? Bacardi Ice? Winger begins pouring himself a large glass of scotch. CARL Actually, I was sorta hoping for a little help. You know, in getting the money together. WINGER Look, I empathize, but where would I get $32,000? I know they said those upper-bracket tax cuts are supposed to create a trickle down effect, but I haven't felt a damn thing. CARL Actually, you dont empathize. sympathize. WINGER Huh? CARL Sympathy is a simple understanding of my plight, but in order to empathize, you'd actually have to feel my pain and bear my sorrow. WINGER Fine. I sympathize. But I still don't see how this is my problem. CARL Well, you see, I was getting so behind in my payments, that they wouldn't take any more bets without someone to co-sign. So, I took the liberty of mentioning your name. WINGER I didn't sign anything. You

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CARL Yeah, see, that was another liberty I took. I didn't want to bother you, so I... WINGER Jesus, Carl, they're going to kill me too! We are screwed. CARL Now, see - this is what I was talking about with the whole sympathy/empathy thing. We're actually feeling the same pain. Winger PUNCHES Carl in the face. CARL Okay, I'm feeling a little more pain here. WINGER Im dead. And for the first time in my life, things were actually going well. I'm leading two of my rotisserie leagues and I'm third in the other. I'm even in second in that stupid internet million buck challenge thing. This takes a couple seconds to sink in. CARL I'm sorry...what? WINGER Yeah, can you believe it? Leading two different leagues. I gotta admit. That guy was right. Whitewood was a freakin' steal. No. CARL About the million dollars.

WINGER What? Oh, it's the Smiley Burger rotisserie challenge. They get a gazillion entrants drafting teams online, and the winner gets a million bucks or some such shit. The whole thing's bogus though. You can't even make trades. I mean, where's the strategy in that?

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CARL (TRYING TO MAINTAIN) And you're in second place? For a million dollars? WINGER Yeah, but there's only three games left, so unless Blands goes into a coma, I've pretty much got no chance of catching up. CARL Who's Blands? WINGER Bobby Blands? Jesus, Carl the man's a bonafide institution. He's the... INT. CABLE NEWS SET - DAY Bobby is being interviewed by LARRY KING. LARRY KING ...leader in hits, the homerun king, and you should be due a third Golden Glove award. BOBBY It's actually four, Larry. who's counting? But

Bobby looks directly at the camera and raises four fingers. LARRY KING But lately you've come under fire for your involvement with Michael Harrell - owner and operator of FABCO, the company accused of providing illegal anabolic steroids to track star Curtis Crawford, tennis pro Amy Palmer, and children's performer Bobo Clarke. BOBBY Larry, when you run a business, you come into contact with thousands of people a year. Just because you meet someone once, and someone snaps a picture of it, that doesn't mean that you have any actual connection to the person. (MORE)

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BOBBY(cont'd) I couldn't say for sure whether I've ever even spoken to Michael Harrell.
LARRY KING But isn't he your son Daryls godfather? BOBBY (COVERING) Again, these are strategic partnerships and alliances that are a perfectly normal part of business, and in no way suggest... INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - RESUME CARL Winger, listen to me. This is our way out. Now, you said you're in second. Who's ahead of you? WINGER I dunno. It's a national contest. They keep that stuff confidential. CARL Is that so? Carl smiles conspiratorially in a cheezily dramatic fashion. He almost appears to be looking into the camera. INT. COMPUTER ROOM - DAY/NIGHT/WHO KNOWS? Carl and Winger walk down a tiny staircase into a dark, windowless computer room. The room is lined with wall to wall high tech computer equipment. It feels like the bowels of a nuclear submarine. WINGER Where did you find this guy? CARL Babylon Five convention. (OFF HIS LOOK) I just went to meet girls. Carl and Winger reach the foot of the stairs to find JOSHUA quintessential overweight, pasty-skinned computer hacker. Joshua doesn't look up as he types away at a mainframe. (DRAMATIC) JOSHUA I knew you'd come.

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CARL Uh...yeah. I called ahead of time and said we were coming. JOSHUA Have a seat. Winger and Carl, who are already seated, eye one another suspiciously. JOSHUA How can I be of service? CARL Well, like I said on the phone, we need you to hack into Smiley Burger and find out who's winning their Rotisserie League Contest. JOSHUA I could pull up a full credit report of every federal district judge in the entire Northeast with just one touch of a button. CARL Yeah...that wouldnt do us much good. If you could just tell us who's winning the contest, that's really all we need. A fax machine next to Winger WHIRS to life. WINGER Hey, buddy, you got a fax here. JOSHUA Who's it from? WINGER I don't know. All it says is 'LIAR' in big block letters. JOSHUA Ignore it. Its just my mother. (THEN) Smiley Burger employs the most sophisticated anti-encryption technology on the market. Breaking in to a fortress like that is no small feat. Now, I'm not scared of the danger. I live for the danger. Winger looks at Carl - 'Who the hell is this guy?'.

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JOSHUA ...but a risk like that'll cost you. Five large. Fifty thousand dollars. WINGER Five large is five thousand dollars. JOSHUA Okay. Fifty large. (CONFRONTATIONAL) Hows that? CARL You got yourself a deal, fatboy. Pay the man, Winger. WINGER What? CARL Well, I obviously cant. If I had fifty thousand dollars, we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. WINGER You think I have fifty thousand dollars? (HOPEFUL) CARL Dont you?

Winger shakes his head no. CARL Okay, we'll pay you in two weeks. JOSHUA Yeah...I don't think so. CARL Were good for it. JOSHUA The only reason you're here is because you're running from another debt you owe. I don't think you are good for it. CARL But I told you, we're going to collect a million bucks after this.

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JOSHUA Right. Just the same...how much money can you pay right now? CARL Right now? (TO WINGER) How much money can we pay right now? Winger shrugs his shoulders. WINGER I have a two-dollar bill I carry for luck... CARL Two dollars. WINGER And maybe...three hundred bucks in the bank. CARL Three hundred and two dollars. Three large. WINGER Three small. Fine. JOSHUA And your shoes. CARL Why my shoes?

My shoes?

JOSHUA I set the terms and I make the deals. You want to walk away, walk away. Fine. CARL You can have my shoes.

WINGER Who do I make the check out to? JOSHUA Dirty Talk Incorporated. Winger looks up, puzzled. JOSHUA I have a small telecommunications business on the side.

30.

Winger hands Joshua the check and Carl hands him his shoes. Joshua slowly inhales the aroma of Carls smelly footwear. Carl and Winger again exchange looks. CARL So, uh, how long will this take? Joshua picks up a phone and dials 411. JOSHUA Hi. Smiley Buger corporate office, please...thanks...Hi, is this Smiley Burger corporate?...I was wondering if you could tell me whos winning your Rotisserie League contest...Is that with an E or a Y?...Could I get their address too?...Thanks for your help. Joshua hangs up the phone and hands Carl the slip of paper. Carl and Winger feel like idiots. As they exit, Joshua begins to type into his mainframe: WWW.BIGASSBI... EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Winger and a barefoot Carl exit the building. avoids some broken glass on the sidewalk. CARL Can I drive? WINGER No. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY Winger and Carl sit inside Wingers beater of a car, surveying a house. Winger pours a flask into a can of Coke. WINGER Okay, we can't just barge in there and tell him to split it with us. We've gotta be smart about this. CARL Right. A beat or two of silence. Finally... Carl nimbly

CARL Hey, didya ever notice that initials and genitals almost rhyme?

31.

Winger stares at Carl in disbelief. WINGER Maybe you shouldnt speak. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY Winger rings the bell. An unassuming suburbanite answers.

WINGER Mr. Bradley? MR. BRADLEY Yes? WINGER Congratulations, sir. Between the two of us, one of us is a millionaire. INT. BRADLEY HOUSEHOLD DEN - DAY As Winger presents his case, Carl admires some framed family pictures. In the b.g., the Bradley dog JUGHEAD barks ferociously. Mr. Bradley has to restrain the dog, and Winger has trouble holding his attention in the resulting chaos. WINGER So what were proposing is... MR. BRADLEY Down, Jughead. Heel. WINGER What were proposing... CARL Hes very spirited. Carl offers Jughead his hand to smell. Jughead snaps at him. Confused at being rebuffed, Carl smells his hand quizzically. MR. BRADLEY Sorry, he's not usually like this. Let me lock him up. Bradley puts the dog behind a doggy gate. Jughead presses himself against the gate and continues barking loudly. WINGER ...is that we pool our teams and... Heel.

32.

CARL These are beautiful kids you have here. MR. BRADLEY Thanks. That's my oldest. twelve, going on thirteen. She's

WINGER ...make a deal to split the... Carl picks up a small crystal globe from the bookshelf. CARL Hey, this is neat. Sorry. MR. BRADLEY Please dont touch that.

Mr. Bradley takes the globe and returns it to the bookshelf. CARL I just... WINGER (FRUSTRATED) Mr. Bradley! Mr. Bradley and Carl both stop in their tracks, surprised by Wingers outburst. WINGER Sorry. So what Im saying is that we join our teams and make a deal to split the money 50-50. MR. BRADLEY Right...but couldn't I just keep my team and win all the money myself? WINGER You could, yes, but by joining forces, you'd be guaranteed to win half. MR. BRADLEY There's only three games left. It's pretty much a lock that I'm going to win already. WINGER Pretty much. Yes. guaranteed. But not

33.

MR. BRADLEY Yeah...I think Ill risk it. WINGER Okay, you drive a hard bargain. 60-40. Look, MR. BRADLEY I dont...

WINGER Think about it. 40% of something is worth more than 100% of... Carl picks up the globe and begins playing with it again. (GIGGLING) Hey... WINGER Okay, you just nodded at me. That's an oral agreement which is a legally binding contract and if you try to back out of it, you'll be in contempt of court. MR. BRADLEY Contempt of what? (TO CARL) that down! Put CARL Look! It spins!

MR. BRADLEY

As Carl continues spinning the globe, he loses his grip and drops it to the floor. It shatters into a hundred pieces. CARL Wow. Sorry. That looked expensive. MR. BRADLEY It was an heirloom! It was priceless! WINGER Okay, tell you what. We're going to take that out of our 40 percent. MR. BRADLEY Get out! CARL Hey, there's no reason to get...

34.

MR. BRADLEY Now! Jughead, who has been frantically scratching at the doggie gate, manages to burst free. He immediately TACKLES Carl. INT. WINGERS CAR - DAY Carl and Winger drive away in defeat. CARL Patronizing jerk. Shes twelve going on thirteen. Like I don't know what comes after twelve. WINGER Are your feet bleeding? CARL Yeah. I shouldnt have given that guy my shoes. That was some sharp glass. WINGER Doesn't that hurt? CARL It does. It hurts very much. (THEN) I bet what happened was that the dog smelled the meat in my pockets. Winger chews on this for a moment. WINGER Why would you have meat in your pockets? INT. WINGERS CAR - DAY Winger is now drinking a bottle of beer as he drives. CARL This is the worst day of my life. Worse than when they cancelled American Gladiators. Worse than when I lost on all that money betting on games on ESPN Classic. WINGER So what are we going to do?

35.

CARL Well, I can't sell blood because of that stupid hepatitis thing, so obviously I'm going to have to disappear to another country. Say, what do you know about stealing people's identities? WINGER I can't believe you got me into this. Hold it! What? CARL Pull over! Winger slams on the breaks and pulls to the side. A pissedoff MOTORIST gives them the finger as he drives past. WINGER What's the problem? CARL Isn't that Bobby Blands right there? EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS WINGERS POV: Winger looks out the window and spies one of those huge building-size billboards featuring Bobby Blands knocking one out of the park. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS WINGER Yeah. So? There. CARL No, not there. CARL Pull over! WINGER

EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS WINGERS POV: Winger looks to the left of the billboard, and sure enough, it's Bobby Blands, in the flesh, walking down the street, fighting off autograph hounds.

36.

INT. WINGERS CAR - CONTINUOUS WINGER What's he doing here? CARL I dunno. I guess they're in town to play the A's and he's out fraternizing with the fans. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS The autograph hounds struggle to keep up with Blands's quick pace. A TEN YEAR-OLD KID thrusts a pen and baseball in Blands's face in hopes of getting it signed. BOBBY BLANDS If you put that pen in my face again, I am going to stick it in your eye. INT. WINGERS CAR - CONTINUOUS CARL Winger, this is it. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? WINGER (A BEAT, COMING UP WITH NOTHING) Apparently not. CARL We grab him. WINGER We what? CARL We grab him and we...you know... hold him. Until the season's over. With him out of the line-up, you should easily win. WINGER Okay, Carl. There are cries for help, and then there are full-blown screams. CARL Trust me. This is perfect. I've already got it all worked out in my head.

37.

WINGER Oh, youve got it worked out in your head. Well, then yes. By all means. Let's walk into the middle of a crowd of witnesses, overpower one of the most recognizable athletes on the planet and take him by force. CARL Alright then. Let's roll. (POPS THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT) You got anything blunt in here? Or pointy? WINGER Carl, we're not going to grab him. CARL But you just said... WINGER I was being facetious (OFF CARL'S BLANK LOOK) I was using sarcasm to mock the insane nature of your plan. CARL Still not following you. INT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS Bobby continues to fight off the horde. BOBBY Look. Even if I wanted to, contractually I can only sign UltraPro cards and merchandise. And even then, I'd have to charge you twenty bucks. So why don't you just clear out and... INT. WINGERS CAR - CONTINUOUS Carl and Winger fight over the wheel. WINGER Were getting out of here... CARL No, just get out of the car and...

38.

INT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS AUTOGRAPH HOUND You suck, Blands! BOBBY No, you suck! INT. WINGERS CAR - CONTINUOUS Winger reaches his leg over to the passenger side, and stomps on Carls bloody feet. Carl winces in agony. CARL Ahhh! WINGER Had enough? Okay, now lets get out of here. Winger throws the car into drive and lurches forward. However, he fails to realize that Bobby is attempting to cross right in front of them. The car SLAMS into Bobby who topples onto the hood, then rolls onto the ground. Winger and Carl look at one another in fear. After a beat... WINGER Get him in the car. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Winger and Carl get out as the crowd looks on, dumbstruck. It's okay! CARL Everything's fine.

Winger crouches down and inspects the damage. WINGER Christ, I think we killed him. CARL He'll be fine. Remember that time you were pronounced legally dead? You came back. (TO CROWD) Everything's under control. Please disperse. AUTOGRAPH HOUND #1 I'm gonna call 911.

39.

CARL Sir, there is no need. We are going to take him to the 911 center. (SOTTO) Get him in the car. AUTOGRAPH HOUND #2 You're going to take him where? CARL Ladies and gentlemen. We are licensed paramedics trained in emergencies of this nature. Please give us room to work. AUTOGRAPH HOUND #3 Why isnt he wearing shoes? AUTOGRAPH HOUND #1 Is that guy drinking a beer? CARL We are going to take this man to get the necessary help after this routine, no-fault accident, and we will be back shortly to take everyone's statements. Please do not talk to anyone until we return. Winger and Carl load Blands into the back seat of Winger's car and drive off. AUTOGRAPH HOUND #2 I think those guys just kidnapped Bobby Blands. TEN YEAR-OLD AUTOGRAPH HOUND (SHRUGGING HIS SHOULDERS) Blands is a prick. INT. WINGER'S BEDROOM - DAY PURE WHITE. Everything is bled of color. It's all vague we are looking at this from Bobby's blurred vision. Now we hear SOUND fading into the whiteness. WINGER (O.S.) I'm still not getting a pulse...or any great joy in touching him. CARL (O.S.) I don't think that's where the pulse is.

40.

WINGER (O.S.) What are you...Jesus, Carl, were not checking him for a hernia... Eyes barely open, Bobby slowly comes to consciousness - only to find himself duct-taped to a chair, with Winger and Carl staring at him. He is naturally confused. CARL See? I told you he wasn't dead. (TO BOBBY) Hello. BOBBY (BARELY ABLE TO WHISPER) the...Where am I? What

CARL Everything's fine. You had an accident. My name is Carl... Winger SMACKS Carl across the back of his head. CARL ...Steve. And this is my friend... (CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING)... Steve. BOBBY (STILL NOT TOTALLY LUCID) both named Steve? No. CARL His name is...Carl. You're

Winger shakes his head in exasperation. BOBBY What's going on? CARL Now, first of all, I don't want you to get mad. Do you promise not to get mad? BOBBY (TAKING IN HIS SURROUNDINGS) am I wrapped in duct tape? Why

WINGER Before we go any further, could I just say that I wanted nothing to do with this? (TO BOBBY) I was really against this whole thing.

41.

BOBBY (TRYING TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER) Okay, okay. I get it. This is a joke. Ashton Kutcher's getting ready to bust out of the back room and we're all gonna laugh, right? WINGER Who the hell is Ashton Kutcher? BOBBY (ALARMED) Then you guys are some sort of crazy fans, who are going to hobble me with a sledgehammer, like out of a Stephen King novel? CARL To be honest, I dont even know who you are. WINGER Not me. I'm an admirer. I like Pedro better, but still... BOBBY Then what is this? CARL We're just going to be keeping you here for the next week. As our guest. We don't wish you any harm, and we promise to feed you and bathe you... Winger gives Carl a look. CARL ...well, at least feed you. But what we're going to ask of you is... BOBBY Did you kidnap me? CARL No. No, we did not. You were in an accident and we saved your life. And I think the least you can do to repay us is... BOBBY How did you get me here?

42.

WINGER We threw you in the back of our car. BOBBY You just threw me into your car in front of a crowd of people? CARL It was a calculated risk. BOBBY Look, man. You guys are obviously crazy, but I've got a family. They're gonna be worried sick. INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY Bobby's wife SHERONDA talks on her cell phone as she cavalierly flips through clothes at a high-end department store. SHERONDA Okay, Howard. Do they have to find a body for the inheritance to go through, or can we declare him dead in absentia? INT. WINGER'S BEDROOM - DAY

Bobby struggles to free himself from the duct tape. CARL Say, Winger. I was thinking. WINGER What? CARL If the Mule is looking for us, isnt your apartment probably not the best place for us to hide? As this sinks in, there is a KNOCKING at the door. INT. WINGERS APARTMENT - DAY Winger approaches the door cautiously, grabbing a nearby baseball bat to defend himself with. He springs open the door - bat in hand poised to strike. However, instead of hulking muscle at his doorstep, its Penny and Oliver.

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WINGER Penny. Winger immediately discards the bat. Penny regards him quizzically, but lets it go without remark. OLIVER Hello, Mr. Showalter. Penny and Oliver enter. Oliver immediately plops down in the middle of the floor and begins playing with Winger's things. Wow. WINGER Im surprised to see you.

PENNY Yeah. Look, this is awkward for me, but remember when you said that you wouldnt mind giving me a little help? WINGER Yeah? PENNY Well, I've gotta go out of town for two days and I don't have anyone to watch Oliver. WINGER Oliver? PENNY (GESTURING) My son. WINGER Right. Winger regards the boy. OLIVER I used up all of my kleenex, so then I used my shirt. PENNY All you'd have to do is check in on him a couple times. Make sure he eats. Make sure he goes to school. That sort of thing...Oliver, don't put the man's keys in your mouth. WINGER Uh, I...

44.

PENNY Look, I'm not asking you to be a role-model or surrogate father or to make any sort of lasting bond at all. I just need someone to make him change his underwear and keep him from falling down the stairs. WINGER I guess I could... PENNY I know this is last minute and I'm abusing some neighbor trust by asking in the first place, but if Im not at this hearing, Ill never get a dime of child support... WINGER Its just... PENNY ...And I realize leaving him with you is just begging for someone to call child services, but I don't really have a choice...My God, am I so alone in the world that I have no one else to leave my son with besides my raging alcoholic neighbor?...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. WINGER No, it's a fair question. PENNY I guess I'm just...I'm in a bind. Can you help me? Winger considers for a moment. WINGER Now exactly how often should his underwear be changed? PENNY Are you serious? WINGER No, I was making a joke. Oh. PENNY That's funny.

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WINGER You're not laughing. PENNY I don't laugh. Winger and Penny consider each other for a moment. WINGER You know, I think this is the first time you've been in my apartment. PENNY I'm quite sure of it, yes. WINGER It's weird. I've been in your apartment so many times and yet you've never been here. PENNY (ALARMED) When have you been in my apartment? WINGER So what do you think? you thought it'd be? Is it what

PENNY It doesn't...smell as bad as I thought it would. WINGER (GENUINELY PLEASED) INT. WINGERS BEDROOM - DAY Carl holds court with Bobby. CARL So, is it true that your balls shrink up when you're on the juice? BOBBY The what? CARL You know, the 'roids. shrink like raisins. I heard they Thanks.

BOBBY First of all, I'm not on any...

46.

CARL Let me see them. BOBBY What? CARL C'mon. Let me see the nutsack. I'm just curious if... BOBBY I'm not going to show you my nutsack! A beat of silence as Carl considers Bobby's privacy. CARL Okay, how about if I show you mine and then you... HELP! BOBBY SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE!

INT. WINGERS APARTMENT - DAY Penny reacts to Bobbys screams. PENNY What was that? WINGER (PLAYING DUMB) What was what? PENNY You mean to tell me you dont hear that? INT. WINGERS BEDROOM - DAY Carl struggles to put a sock in Bobbys mouth. INT. WINGERS APARTMENT - DAY Carl must have succeeded, because the screaming has stopped. There. WINGER See? Nothing. Literally.

Penny doesnt believe him, but opts not to question.

47.

PENNY So, Ill be leaving tomorrow morning. Just look in on him in the afternoon and again at night. (RETICENT) Heres my...key. Please dont touch anything you dont have to. WINGER You know, I always thought that we should have each others keys. You know, in case of emergencies, or even if you were ever lonel-PENNY Lets go, Oliver. Oliver, who has probably swallowed three or four paperclips by now, follows his mother out. OLIVER Goodbye, Mr. Showalter. INT. WINGERS BEDROOM - DAY Winger enters the bedroom. Carl has both arms wrapped around Bobby's head in efforts to silence him. WINGER Are you trying to get us caught? CARL He started yelling. supposed to do? What was I

BOBBY He tried to look at my junk! CARL That's deliberately deceptive. My interest was purely scientific. BOBBY Look, if you let me go right now, I promise I won't go to the police. CARL The police? Why would he go to the police? WINGER Because we kidnapped him, dipshit.

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CARL It's not kidnapping if we don't ask for a ransom. See, this way we can't get in trouble. WINGER That doesn't make any sense. BOBBY It really doesn't. CARL No? WINGER Were in trouble, Carl. should let him go. BOBBY Me too. CARL What? No. Okay, I'm willing to admit we didn't completely think this thing through. But were in too deep now. Wheels have been set into motion. The three of us just have to work together and... BOBBY You idiots don't think the public's going to be in an uproar? I'm a baseball player, jack. That's as American as apple pie and institutional racism. People are going to come looking for you. CARL People already are looking for us. BOBBY Ive got 59 homers this season. Im one away from breaking my record. WINGER (FRUSTRATED) Nobody cares about your record. BOBBY What? I think we

49.

WINGER Twenty games ago, you were five up on the pennant. Now you're four back of the wildcard, your seasons almost over, and all you care about is hitting another homerun. Youre tearing that team apart. Yeah! CARL (SOTTO) What's a wildcard?

BOBBY What the hell would you know about it? WINGER I don't know much, but I know sports. CARL He's right. On both accounts. WINGER It's a team game. That means more than filling up stat sheets. Youve got to love the game. You've got to be a leader on the field and in the clubhouse. BOBBY I am a leader. They just dont give me anyone to lead. WINGER That is so typical. You know what? You deserve to be tied up. You may not respect me, but respect the uniform for Gods sakes. Right on! CARL What uniform?

WINGER His team uniform. CARL Hes not wearing a team uniform. WINGER (EXASPERATED) Carl, go get me something to drink.

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INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Winger, Carl, and Bobby (still tied up) sit in front of the television watching the baseball game. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 (O.S.) It's a bittersweet night for the Indians as they take on the A's without star player Bobby Blands. BOBBY Why's it bittersweet? It should just be bitter. Where's the sweet part? Two proto-typical SPORTSCASTERS in garish sportsjackets sound off on Bobby's disappearance. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #2 As reported earlier, Blands was forcefully abducted yesterday by two unknown assailants in front of a crowd of onlookers. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 When questioned, witnesses on the scene confessed that they failed to intervene because Blands is a quote unquote prick. BOBBY Hey! Wow. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #2 Harsh.

SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 Still worse than Blands's disappearance and presumed murder is the fact that this all but ends the Indians' post-season hopes. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #2 This has got to be a disappointment for the whole team... INT. INDIANS LOCKERROOM - NIGHT The team cheerfully celebrates Bobbys disappearance with a cake and party.

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INT. WINGERS APARTMENT - NIGHT SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 Indeed it is, Al. In a world of poverty, war, and ever-increasing fear, these grown men desperately cling to a child's game as if it still held some significance. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #2 Our heart goes out to them. BOBBY Do we have to watch this? WINGER Be quiet. INT. WINGERS APARTMENT - LATER The game is in progress. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 (O.S.) ...Bottom of the ninth. The Indians are down 3-1 with a man at first and third, and Whurlitzer is up to bat. The Indians are struggling to get back into this. CARL (ENJOYING HIMSELF) I don't think I've ever actually watched a game before. Now, how do they decide who gets to hit? WINGER Carl, you were betting on twelve games a week. How can you not know the rules? CARL I'm more of an instinct better. go by feel. I

WINGER Maybe that's why you lost so much. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #2 (O.S.) ...And it's a strike. BOBBY This game's over. bat for shit. Whurlitzer can't

52.

WINGER Way to support your teammate. BOBBY I'm telling you, he's a headcase. WINGER And I'm telling you, he can do it if you give him a chance. BOBBY You wanna bet? CARL I do! No. WINGER We're not betting. CARL I'll bet you.

Bet me!

BOBBY Alright. Fifty-thousand dollars if Whurlitzer gets a hit... CARL Deal. BOBBY ...But you've got to let me go if he strikes out. WINGER No. CARL You're on! No. WINGER No bet.

CARL Don't worry. Ive got it covered. WINGER How do you have it covered? SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 (O.S.) ...And Stein winds up to pitch Shhh. CARL Shhh.

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WINGER I'm telling you, it's no bet. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 (O.S.) And Whurlitzer cranks it over the left field fence! Carl jumps up in joy. CARL Yes! SPORTS ANNOUNCER #1 (O.S.) That is only Whurlitzers third homerun for the season. SPORTS ANNOUNCER #2 (O.S.) And it couldn't have come at a more fortuitous time. That gives the Indians the game and keeps their post-season hopes alive. Yes! CARL I'm hot again! Pay up, baby!

BOBBY Sorry, your friend said no bet. What? CARL That's not fair. Pay up.

BOBBY You want me to pay up? Fine. Let me go the bank and I'll come right back with the money. CARL (TO WINGER) What do you think? Should we trust him? WINGER (YOU IDIOT) No. CARL But we made a bet. hardly ever win. Winger turns off the TV. WINGER Sorry, Carl. I guess we'll just have to make due with the million bucks. And I won. I

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Winger finishes his drink and heads to the bedroom. CARL But I won... EXT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Carl sleeps fitfully on Winger's ratty couch while Bobby, still duct-taped to the chair, is off in a corner, sleeping uncomfortably. Carl tosses and turns, before finally awakening. He gets up and shuffles his way to the kitchen. INT. WINGER'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Groggy, Carl grabs a glass and opens the refrigerator door in hopes of finding something cool to drink. He pokes around, but Winger has nothing but domestic beer and batteries. Carl closes the refrigerator door and suddenly - standing behind him - is a SHADOWY ASSAILANT. Cue scary music. SHADOWY ASSAILANT Hello, Carl. CARL AAAGGH! Scared shitless, Carl leaps backward. SHADOWY ASSAILANT The Mule is looking for you. I know. CARL I'm sorry.

SHADOWY ASSAILANT He's very upset with you. You owe him quite a bit of money. CARL I know, but listen. The money's on its way. I'm going to pay him. SHADOWY ASSAILANT (OMINOUS) I know you will. But first, the Mule wants me to...take your thumbs! CARL You're going to cut off my thumbs? SHADOWY ASSAILANT That's right. As a down payment.

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CARL But if you cut off my thumbs, I'll bleed to death and he'll never get his money. He wouldnt do that. SHADOWY ASSAILANT Oh no? Then what do you think of...this! The Shadowy Assailant swiftly raises his hands to Carl's face, and the camera dramatically ZOOMS in to reveal that THEY HAVE NO THUMBS. Carl freaks out. SHADOWY ASSAILANT You see, Frank the Mule can be cruel, but he can also be kind. When I missed a payment, he took my thumbs - but then he hired me to come here to help pay off my debt. CARL The Mule cut off your thumbs? SHADOWY ASSAILANT (FIENDISHLY) And now I'm going to do the same thing to you. As the scary music rises, the Shadowy Assailant moves in. CARL Wait. If you don't have any thumbs, how are you going to hold the knife? The Shadowy Assailant stops in his tracks. hasn't thought this through. SHADOWY ASSAILANT Um...can I borrow your phone? INT. WINGER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Carl rouses Winger from his slumber. CARL Winger, wake up. We've gotta go. The wolf is in the henhouse. WINGER (SLOWLY AWAKENING) the what now? The wolf is in Apparently he

56.

CARL The wolf is in the...are you wearing a mouthpiece? Winger takes out his mouthguard. WINGER Sleep apnea is no joke. CARL The Mule knows we're here. I don't know how he found us, but he did. WINGER He knows I live here. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out... CARL Winger, we don't have time to try to piece it all together. The Mule knows we're here, and chances are, the next guy he sends won't be disabled. We've gotta go. WINGER Go where? We can't exactly check into a hotel with a 6'3" black man bound and gagged. This isn't the south. EXT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT Penny opens her door to reveal Winger and Carl in the corridor - having just rung the doorbell. She is not enthused to see them. WINGER Hi, Penny. I just thought I'd come by and get a jumpstart on the babysitting. PENNY It's four in the morning. drunk? A little. dickens? Are you

WINGER So, where is the little

PENNY He's sleeping. Who is this?

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WINGER This is Carl. I'm a proponent of the two-parent system of childrearing, so I brought a friend. CARL Hello. Winger and Carl file past Penny. PENNY I don't even want to know which one of you's supposed to be the mother. INT. PENNYS BEDROOM - NIGHT Winger and Carl help Penny pack a suitcase. they pass clothes to her from her dresser. WINGER It'll be good to get an early start. You can beat traffic. (DRY) PENNY Yeah, I appreciate it. As they talk,

Carl holds up a T-Shirt and reads off the logo. CARL (READING) 'Penis Envy Is A Phallussy' (BEAT) I don't get it. PENNY It's from the Women's Coalition. volunteer at the local chapter. WINGER You're a lesbian? PENNY No, I'm a feminist. Theyre a grassroots activist organization that champions social justice for women through political advocacy. (BEAT) WINGER You're a lesbian? I

Carl holds up another T-shirt and reads it aloud. CARL 'Keep Your Laws Off my Fetus'. like that. It's catchy. I

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WINGER So after you finish packing, we'll drop you off at the bus station. CARL After she leaves, should I bring over the "luggage"? PENNY Why would you bring over luggage? WINGER He doesn't mean luggage, per se. Just a small bag in case we need any...supplies. PENNY You don't plan on spending the night here do you? You're going to go through my clothes and sniff things, aren't you? As Penny voices her concerns, Carl innocently hands her a pair of her underwear to pack. She snatches it from him. CARL I just want you to know that I fully support a woman's right to choose. Oliver, dressed in his PJ's, enters the room. OLIVER Hello, Mr. Showalter. PENNY Oliver, what are you doing up? OLIVER My tummy woke me. dinner? PENNY Go back to sleep. OLIVER Will you make me a grilled cheese sandwich? CARL Me too? Penny shoots Carl a look. Can we make

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CARL I mean, if youre already in the kitchen... PENNY Oliver, go back to bed. Mommys leaving soon. Ill be in in a minute to say goodbye. OLIVER Why is the man holding your underwear? Carl is innocently holding another pair of her underwear. She snatches them from him, then leads Oliver to his bedroom. PENNY I'm going to assume you know the number for 911. This is the number of the local hospital. It's six miles away on... WINGER ...On 27th. I know where it is. Spent the night in their emergency room once. Funny story. See, I got alcohol poisoning, and I... PENNY I can't hear this. I shouldn't go. I should stay here. I can't leave my child in the hands of two monkeys. CARL Don't say that. Monkeys are disgusting creatures. I grew up with monkeys. A beat as Penny tries to make sense of that. WINGER Penny. Trust me. It'll be okay. You're only going to be gone for two days. We can handle it. Penny looks pleadingly into Winger's eyes. believe him. PENNY Okay. Penny picks up her bag and heads toward the door. She wants to

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PENNY Ill be back on Wednesday at 2:00. This is the number I'll be staying at. If anything goes wrong, I want you to call me immediately. Despite what this looks like, I am very protective and extremely litigious. If anything happens to my son, you will pay. WINGER CARL Okay, have a nice trip! Bye bye! Before she can get a word in edgewise, Penny is out the door, and the door is shut. INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Winger peeks out into the hallway from Penny's apartment. The coast is clear. They dash from Penny's apartment over to Winger's. After a beat, they exit Winger's apartment, wheeling Bobby who is still duct-taped to the chair. BOBBY What are you... WINGER Shhh! Winger stuffs a gag into Bobby's mouth. Before they can make it back to Penny's apartment, MARVIN, a shifty-looking neighbor of Winger's, exits from his door. Winger and Carl attempt to act as inconspicuous as possible, considering they have a bound and gagged hostage in tow. WINGER Oh, hey, Marvin. How's it going?

Marvin eyes them suspiciously. MARVIN Good... WINGER We're just playing a prank on our friend here who... MARVIN Hey, it's cool. None of my business. Winger regards him for a moment.

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WINGER Alright. Winger opens Penny's door, and they wheel Bobby inside. WINGER Seeya around, Marvin. MARVIN Yeah, seeya. After Winger shuts his door, Marvin waits a beat, then quickly opens his door and re-enters. He emerges wheeling out a struggling, bound and gagged hostage of his own. HOSTAGE Please dont kill me! Please!

Marvin heads to the stairwell to dispose of his victim. INT. PENNYS APARTMENT DEN - MORNING Winger and Carl roll the struggling Bobby into the room. WINGER What do we do about the kid? CARL What do you mean? WINGER We can't just hide a bound and gagged professional athlete from him. Kids notice these sort of things. INT. PENNY'S DEN - DAY Still duct-taped to the chair, Bobby struggles to get free. He tries to plead, but his gag prevents everything but the most guttural of noises. Winger and Carl nonchalantly stand with Oliver. WINGER Oliver, this is Bobby. Oliver studies the bound and gagged Bobby. WINGER Bobby is a baseball player. like baseball? Do you

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OLIVER I like olives. WINGER Right. Well, Bobby's a friend of ours, and we're playing a game with him. That's why he's all tied up. OLIVER I've never met a black person before. WINGER So, no matter what he says, it's important that we don't let him go. Otherwise, he could get lost or hurt himself. Do you understand? OLIVER My gerbils name is Petey. WINGER Thats great. But... OLIVER We used to have a cat, but he pooped on the rug, so my mom took him to a cat farm. CARL There's no such thing as a cat farm. Your cat went to the pound. OLIVER What? WINGER Hes just kidding, Oliver. (GLARING) Arent you, Carl? CARL Fine. She took him to a cat farm. Believe what you want. OLIVER I used to have a gerbil named Buttercup, but he got out of his cage. WINGER Okay, there. This is very similar. You see, Bobby is kind of our gerbil...

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Bobby reacts furiously to this. WINGER ...And we dont want him to get out of his cage. OLIVER My mommy vacuum cleanered him up, and then his bones got stuck in the vacuum cleaner, so then we had to buy a new vacuum cleaner at the vacuum cleaner store. WINGER Right. So we need to make sure that Bobby doesn't get vacuumed. And we need your help. Do you think you can do that? OLIVER This one time, I got bubble gum stuck in the toaster. INT. PENNY'S BEDROOM - DAY Winger is giving Carl a tongue-lashing. WINGER What are you doing? CARL What? WINGER You don't tell an eight-year old that his mother had his cat gassed. Kids are sensitive about that stuff. CARL I just don't think he should be living in a dream world where there's sugar plum fairies and rolling cat farms on every corner. WINGER Okay, Carl. I think its time that we delineate our chain of command. CARL What chain? There's only two of us.

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WINGER Right. And you're the bottom of the chain. Understand? BOBBY (O.S.) I AINT YOUR DAMN GERBIL! CARL Sounds like someone got their gag off. BOBBY (O.S.) YOU HEAR ME? I AINT NOBODYS GERBIL! CARL Hey, isnt a gerbil the thing that Richard Gere... Oliver pokes his head through the bedroom door. OLIVER Mr. Showalter? WINGER What? OLIVER Your friend is trying to escape. Winger and Carl rush into the main room. INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS They enter to find Bobby has managed to upend his chair to its side. Still bound to it, he pathetically tries to crawl his way to the door. He looks like a handicapped turtle. WINGER Well, that's just sad. CARL What do we do? Here. WINGER Poke him with this stick.

INT. PENNYS APARTMENT - LATER The TV is on. We slowly PAN ACROSS the couch, taking in the spectators one by one:

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1) Bobby, frustrated and humiliated, struggles to free himself from his duct-tape prison. 2) Oliver heartily munches on a King Size bag of Doritos, eagerly licking his orange-colored fingers. 3) Carl sneezes into his hands, then wipes them on Penny's cushions. 4) Winger slips into alcohol-induced unconsciousness. As his tall boy slips from his fingers, he awakens with a start. WINGER Whatd I miss? What inning is it? CARL Fifth. Tanner hasn't given up a hit yet. WINGER Did I draft Tanner? STAT SHEET) I did. Let's go Indians! Carl stands up. CARL I'm going to get some cornnuts. You want another beer, Winger? WINGER Nah, twelve's probably enough. CARL You've already had twelve beers? WINGER Alright, fine. One more. BOBBY You drafted Tanner? artist. Guy's a choke(CHECKS HIS C'mon, Tanner!

WINGER He has a no-hitter going. that a choke artist?

How is

BOBBY Can't maintain focus. I'd rack up the hits, and that mongoloid'd still lose the game for us. You watch.

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WINGER Yeah? Well, at least he's out there on the field. Giving it his all, instead of giving up. BOBBY I didn't give up. hostage. I was taken

WINGER There's always an excuse with you, isn't there? I think the Indians are better off without you. OLIVER My mom says we took the Indians' land and gave them syphilis. WINGER Different indians, Oliver. OLIVER Did anyone give you syphilis, Mr. Blands? Carl returns with Winger's beer. CARL Who's the chick with the fake rack? ANGLE ON TV - Bobby's wife is sitting with a SPORTSCASTER. SPORTSCASTER Let's take advantage of the break in the action. We're here with Sheronda Blands - wife of recently murdered superstar Bobby Blands. Sheronda, thanks for being here. SHERONDA Uh, thanks, Chet. But Bobby wasn't murdered. He was abducted. SPORTSCASTER How long has he been gone? SHERONDA Two days. SPORTSCASTER And have you received a ransom notice, or any contact from the kidnappers?

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No.

SHERONDA Not yet.

SPORTSCASTER Yeah...Sounds like he's probably dead to me. BOBBY Hey! CARL Should we have tried to contact her? Are we being rude? SPORTSCASTER Mrs. Blands, your husband had a reputation for being cocky, selfsure, and distant from the fans. Yet, look at the crowd that gathered outside the stadium this afternoon before the game. The TV shows footage of a large crowd outside. SPORTSCASTER That's almost a larger crowd than we had for free bobblehead night. Look at all these people gathered in support of your husband. BOBBY There you go! You see that? SPORTSCASTER It must have been a somber moment, seeing all of those dedicated fans, honoring Bobby. SHERONDA It was, Chet. It was. The footage continues, showing a group of TAILGATERS happily roasting weenies on a grill and tossing a football back and forth. They grin and give the camera a "thumbs up". BOBBY That's what I'm talking about. Those people miss me. Look, they even got a bonfire going. That's eternal flame, baby. Eternal flame.

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WINGER Actually, I think they're burning you in effigy. SPORTSCASTER Now, Mrs. Blands. I know you're dealing with a lot of grief, and emotion can color things, so please take your time with this next question. Who do you think is going to win the pennant? SHERONDA Well, Chet, I know everyone likes the Tigers, but if Engelberg can keep cranking those long balls, I gotta go with the Blue Jays. SPORTSCASTER Thank you, Mrs. Blands. very brave. That was

SHERONDA No problem, Chet. And Bobby, if you're out there. I love you and I miss you. Come home soon, baby. INT. TV STATION - CONTINUOUS The crew winds up the segment. SEGMENT PRODUCER And that's a wrap. Sheronda begins taking off her mike. SPORTSCASTER Again, let me just express how sorry we all are for you. SHERONDA Oh, no sweat. To be honest with you, Chet, our marriage was more of a professional partnership anyway. For all I know, the man was gay. INT. PENNYS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Bobby is touched. BOBBY I just hope shes holding up okay.

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OLIVER Did you know that gerbils dont have sweat glands? INT. PENNYS APARTMENT - ANOTHER ANGLE - LATER The game is over. Winger is totally blitzkrieged, jumping up and down in inebriated joy. Bobby simmers in rage. WINGER (SLURRING) You see? I told you Tanner'd pull it out. With you out of the line-up, the Indians are wining games and I'm that much closer to a million frickin' bucks. BOBBY He blew the no-hitter though. WINGER Jesus, Blands. When are you going to wake up? It's not about the stats or the records. It's about winning. Winning together. BOBBY You play rotisserie league. you care about is stats and records. WINGER I care about lots of stuff. about Carl here... CARL Seriously? WINGER And I care about the truth...and America...and beautiful, beautiful Penny who doesn't even realize that I'm alive. Oh, just once I wish we could... Carl quickly cups Oliver's ears so he can't hear. WINGER (LOSES HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT, BUT REGAINS IT) But most of all, I care about people. But you? You don't care about anyone but yourself. Youre pathetic. (MORE) All

I care

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WINGER(cont'd) More pathetic than adults swing dancing. Even more pathetic than Christian rock. You disgust me.
BOBBY Did you piss yourself? Winger looks down at his pants. He did.

WINGER Man, I really should not drink that much beer. OLIVER It's okay, Mr. Showalter. have accidents. We all

Oliver checks his shorts to see if hes had one too. INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - MORNING The sun is up. Still bound to the chair, Bobby slowly awakens. As his eyes begin to focus, they lock on to Oliver who sits inches away, staring at him intently. OLIVER Will you take me camping? Startled, Bobby recovers and takes in his surroundings. BOBBY Where is everybody? OLIVER They went to the store. BOBBY They left an eight year old kid alone to guard their hostage? OLIVER They gave me a gun. Oliver produces a menacing looking handgun. Jesus. BOBBY Dont point that at me.

OLIVER If I pull the trigger it plays "Hot Cross Buns" and gives you Skittles. Oliver pulls the trigger and a candy comes out which he promptly scarfs down.

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BOBBY (RELIEVED) Okay, look, kid. need your help...

OLIVER One time, I ate three whole bags of Skittles and barfed all the colors of the rainbow. BOBBY ...I need you to help me get this tape off. OLIVER Mr. Showalter said that if you got out, you could infect the planet with AIDS blood. BOBBY He wha...Look, I'm not going to infect the planet. OLIVER Mr. Showalter said you would say that. BOBBY That's because Mr. Showalter is a psychopathic drunk who doesn't know his head from his ass. OLIVER He said you'd say that too. BOBBY He did?...Alright, I need you to use your brain here. OLIVER Where did you get the AIDS blood? BOBBY (CHANGING TACTICS) Tell you what. Help me get one hand free and we can play catch. Do you want to play catch? OLIVER No.

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BOBBY Sure you do. Don't you want to tell your friends that you played catch with future hall of famer Bobby Blands? OLIVER Who's Bobby Blands? Come on. BOBBY Don't you play baseball?

OLIVER My mom doesn't let me play team sports because she says they encourage aggression and weaken self esteem. BOBBY She what? OLIVER She also says they create distinctions between children instead of equality. BOBBY Well, yeah. That's the whole point. OLIVER Also, whenever I try to run, I hurt myself and have to go to the nurse. INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Winger is loads their cart with generic label booze. both sport comical, Ron Jeremy-esque fake mustaches. CARL Why do we have to wear the mustaches? WINGER We have to keep a low profile when we're outside. If the Mule gets wind of us, we're dead. We're too close for that to happen. CARL Yeah, I guess. Although the glue is making me a little light headed. They

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WINGER You know, I've gotta admit, I was skeptical about this whole thing... CARL It does make me feel a little like Magnum though... WINGER I mean, to be honest, I had never really kidnapped anyone before. CARL 'After them, Kitt!'... WINGER Sure, there'd been times I'd thought about it, but I never went through with it... CARL ...that talking car was awesome. WINGER And your plans have do a tendency to backfire. Remember when you quit your job and spent four months fine-tuning your blackjack system? CARL Hey, that would have worked if there weren't so many damn sixes! WINGER But this is really going to happen. Theres only one more game left, and so long as Blands isn't in the line-up, weve got it wrapped up. CARL Wow. A million bucks. You know two guys like us could do a lot of good in this world with that kind of money. WINGER That's true. CARL I mean, I always thought that I should be doing something to help the community. (MORE)

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CARL(cont'd) You know, like being a police officer or a fire fighter or a ghostbuster...This could be our chance to give something back.
WINGER Sure. CARL Hey, how much do you think one of those plasma screen TV's costs? INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Bobby attempts to convince Oliver to help him. BOBBY You know, if you help me, we can be special friends. How about that? OLIVER You mean like Michael Jackson? BOBBY No, not like Michael Jackson. Look, we'll even have special code names for each other and not tell Mr. Showalter. OLIVER Okay. BOBBY For now on, Ill call you Lobo. That's a pretty cool nickname, right? OLIVER Uh huh. BOBBY What do you want to call me? OLIVER Bobby Blands. BOBBY Okay, I'm not sure you understand nicknames...but no matter. Here's what I want you to do. Go get a pair of scissors.

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INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Carl and Winger check out. The groceries consist of several large bottles of alcohol and a single bag of Twizzlers. CARL So, you like the kid's mother, huh? What? WINGER Where'd you get that from?

CARL I'm pretty perceptive about feelings and stuff. Probably because my dad wanted a daughter, so he made me wear dresses. Anyway, I'd be careful. You know a foolish attraction is the hobgoblin of little minds. GROCERY CLERK $38.67. Winger hands the clerk some paper from his wallet. CARL I mean, look at you. young go-getter... You're a

GROCERY CLERK Sir, you can't use food stamps to pay for alcoholic beverages. CARL Are you sure you want to be tied down? Winger takes his stamps back and hands the clerk some money. WINGER I don't know. Maybe. CARL And with all this money coming your way? I'm just saying, if you were a single mom, and she was you and I was me, do you really think she would date herself? WINGER You make an unusual point. Winger and Carl head out of the store with their bags.

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EXT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Winger and Carl exit the store. CARL I'm gonna grab a sandwich. want anything? You

WINGER I'd better get back. I told Penny I wouldn't leave the kid alone. CARL Alright. Carl and Winger head in different directions. INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Winger opens the door, carrying the bag of groceries. WINGER Hey, Oliver. I... Winger stops dead in his tracks when he sees Oliver helping Bobby free himself from the duct tape. WINGER Oliver! What are you doing? blood! AIDS blood! BOBBY Hurry, Lobo! Bobby nearly has his arms free. Winger drops the groceries and runs to the kitchen and grabs a large butcher knife. WINGER Okay, stop unwrapping yourself, or I'll... BOBBY You'll what? Stab me? You come within arm's length of me and I will tear you into tiny pieces. Come on. I dare you. Wingers mind races. Uh...okay. the kid. WINGER If you don't I'll stab AIDS

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Winger grabs Oliver and brandishes the knife. So? What? Oliver immediately bursts into tears. OLIVER I thought you liked me. You said we were special friends. Ah, geez. WINGER Now look what you did. BOBBY He's not my kid. OLIVER

BOBBY Me? You're the one who's gonna stab him. OLIVER He even nicknamed me homo. Not homo. BOBBY Lobo.

WINGER Oh, c'mon. Apologize or he's going to go on like this all day. BOBBY (ROLLING EYES) Fine. Hey. Lobo. Look, I'm sorry I said I don't care if he stabs you. Obviously, given a choice, I'd rather he didn't. OLIVER You mean it? BOBBY Yeah, I mean it. Oliver immediately brightens up and gives Bobby a big hug. WINGER Oliver, use the taser on him. BOBBY Taser? Oliver produces a taser gun from his pocket and SHOCKS the living hell out of Bobby. Bobby convulses in his chair.

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INT. SANDWICH SHOP - DAY Carl stands in line at a nondescript sub shop. CARL Okay, as I understand it, your policy states that I get a free sandwich with ten stamps. CASHIER That's correct, sir. CARL Now, I have four stamps. So that should theoretically entitle me to 40% of a sandwich. CASHIER Um, that's not really how we do it. CARL Hey, this is a zero sum proposal. Nobody wins or loses here. INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - LATER Bobby regains consciousness. BOBBY What happened? WINGER The kid's mom volunteers at a rape crisis center. You don't think she's going to have a taser gun? OLIVER This one time, I shocked myself with it, and I swallowed my tongue. I could taste my throat. BOBBY You betrayed me, Lobo. INT. SANDWICH SHOP - DAY Carl is still bargaining with the cashier. CARL Fine, I'll pay for the whole thing. Bloodsuckers. He is fully taped up again.

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CASHIER How about a bag of chips with that? The cashier rings the chips up before Carl can answer. CARL No, I...hey! CASHIER Sorry, I already rang it up. I thought you said you wanted them. CARL Just unring it. CASHIER Only the manager can do that and he's on break. Do you want to wait? CARL (EXASPERATED) Fine. INT. PENNYS APARTMENT - DAY Bobby struggles futilely. BOBBY You guys are never going to get away with this. You know that don't you? WINGER Yeah? BOBBY Im going to get out of here, and Im going to get my homer. WINGER Yeah, I dont think you are. INT. SANDWICH SHOP - DAY Carl has lost patience with the whole endeavor. CASHIER Okay, here you go... The cashier hands Carl a to-go bag. looks in the bag. Carl gets his food and Leave it.

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CARL You didn't put the chips in here. CASHIER You said you didn't want them. CARL I paid for them. CASHIER Sir, you really need to make up your mind. INT. PENNYS APARTMENT - DAY WINGER This is home stretch. So long as we lay low and don't draw any undue attention to ourselves, we're going to be just fine. INT. SANDWICH SHOP - DAY POV: SECURITY CAMERA - We see this scene through the lens of the shops security camera. Carl PUMMELS the cashier like a wild animal. Two CO-WORKERS try to pull Carl away, but he fends them off and resumes his attack. After more wrestling and flinging about, they all wind up in a heap on the ground. INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Winger flips on the TV to the news. NEWS ANCHORMAN ...Police were called to the scene when an unnamed man began viciously assaulting the staff of a local sandwich shop. The report cuts to the security camera footage of Carl. WINGER Crap. NEWS ANCHORMAN The man has been identified as Carl St. Claire - a local vagrant and former city council undersecretary. Insert a comical file photo of Carl.

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Ha!

BOBBY I told you.

WINGER Okay, maybe there's a chance that we don't get caught over this. NEWS ANCHORMAN The sandwich shop in question is the newly opened "Frank The Mule's Subs and Snacks", a three star eatery in the latest Zagat's. WINGER Crap. NEWS ANCHORMAN Coming up next, "10 Famous People Known to Be Promiscuous and the Bars They Hang Out In. INT. PENNY'S BEDROOM - DAY Winger has wheeled Bobby into the bedroom. Penny's things as Oliver watches on. He rifles through

WINGER C'mon. Your mom has to have a real gun. The taser's no good. OLIVER She bought pepper spray after that time you rang our doorbell. BOBBY I told you you were going to get caught. You guys are going down. OLIVER Can we order pizza? They hear the doorbell ring. Winger is gripped by fear,

WINGER So, this is how my life ends...I really would have thought itd be something involving my liver. INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Winger cautiously opens the door - taser in hand. It's Carl sporting a number of contusions sustained in the fight.

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CARL You are never going to guess what happened to me. (NOTICING THE TASER) Huh, haven't had one of those used on me in a while. Carl pushes past Winger. Winger shuts the door.

CARL Okay, you're going to laugh. WINGER Carl, you've killed us. You were on television. They said your name. They showed your face. CARL I was on T.V.? How'd I look? Hey, is it true you look taller on T.V.? WINGER The Mules probably got twenty guys following you by now. Why in God's name would you go to the Mule's restaurant? CARL I had a coupon. WINGER What did we say about low profile? CARL Look, everything's fine. One of the Mule's guys tried to follow me, but I lost him. WINGER How do you know? CARL Gave him the slip in Little Tokyo. Trust me, Little Tokyo is not as little as its name might suggest. WINGER What happened to your arm? CARL I was on fire. Briefly. It's fine. Winger, don't worry. I've made a career out of hiding from people. We're in the clear.

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WINGER You're sure? CARL Positive. Off that, a HITMAN kicks Penny's door open. He points a gun the size of a cannon directly at Winger's face. HITMAN On the floor assholes! to die! Carl looks at Winger. CARL Okay, Im not totally sure. INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - LATER Winger and Carl sit at the table, pleading their case. hitman still has his gun trained on them. WINGER You don't understand. We are 48 hours away from having one million dollars. We can pay back the Mule with 300% interest. CARL Plus, I can pay for all the damages to the Sub shop. Winger shoots Carl a look - hes not helping. WINGER Okay, listen. You know Bobby Blands? HITMAN Are you kidding? He's my favorite player. If I found those scumbags who kidnapped him, I'd... WINGER Right. Yes. Well, he's our favorite player too. Anyway, we have this plan that doesn't involve Bobby Blands, and it is guaranteed to net us a million bucks by Wednesday. We just need some time. Think about it. (MORE) The Get ready

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WINGER(cont'd) You bring the Mule a hundred thousand on a thirty-two thousand dollar debt.
CARL Plus we'll give you the other nine hundred thousand. WINGER Well what? CARL You'll be rich. WINGER (IRRITATED) Yes. You'll be rich. So what do you say? The hitman mulls this over for second. HITMAN Nah, I think I better just kill you guys. The hitman cocks his gun. Just as he is prepared to fire, Penny unlocks the door and enters. PENNY Okay, I know I'm back early, but... Penny stops in her tracks as she sees the hitman with his gun trained on the guys. WINGER Penny? PENNY Winger? HITMAN Penny? PENNY Roger? WINGER Roger? CARL Roger the hitman? Roger the hitman holsters his weapon and sheepishly addresses Penny.

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HITMAN Gee. Penny. Wow. You look great. I mean, your hair's different...I guess I haven't seen you in like... PENNY Nine months. HITMAN Right. Heh. Look, I was going to call you, but I... Mid-sentence, Roger suddenly takes off in a dead sprint past Penny and out the door. PENNY Yeah, that's pretty much how I remember him. Winger is relieved to be saved, but has to quickly maneuver to keep Penny from going to the bedroom and finding Bobby. WINGER You're back. That's great. Carl, why don't you go get our "things"? Oh. CARL Right.

Carl exits into the bedroom. WINGER I should take you out to celebrate. PENNY Celebrate what? WINGER Well...your return. And, uh...your pregnancy. You are Roger are going to have a baby. PENNY Yeah, I'm pretty much past celebrating that fact, thanks. WINGER And just, you know, to welcome you back. PENNY Look, I just got home. see my son. I want to

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WINGER He's not here. PENNY Where is he? WINGER He's at the zoo. With Carl.

PENNY I just watched Carl go into my bedroom. WINGER No, not with Carl. I mean...Carl's going to pick him up. From the zoo. PENNY You left an eight-year old boy alone at the zoo? WINGER No. (SEARCHING) One of the neighbors is chaperoning. Carl is going to pick them both up. PENNY Which neighbor? WINGER Geez, what are you, a cop? uh,...Marvin. PENNY Marvin? Yeah. WINGER Marvin. It was

PENNY Marvin, the-one-who's-on-thefederal-watch-list Marvin? WINGER Um... PENNY Marvin, who-was-chemicallycastrated-so-he-wouldn't-go-nearchildren-anymore, Marvin?

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WINGER No. Not that Marvin. It's...okay, here's the thing. Your son is back there planning a welcome back surprise party for you. PENNY He is? WINGER He's decorating your bedroom with crepe paper and balloons... PENNY But balloons give Oliver nightmares. WINGER If you go in there before he's ready, he's going to be crushed. Disappointment can be very damaging to kids. We dont need another John Wayne Gacy on our hands. You should come with me. Penny is torn, but ultimately opts to go with Winger. INT. BAR - DAY Winger takes Penny to his favorite dingy watering hole. WINGER What do you drink? Beer? Scotch? Uh.

PENNY ("I'M PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT") No. Just a soda's fine.

WINGER Suit yourself. I'm having scotch... Let me get a Sprite and two scotches... (OFF PENNY'S LOOK) In case you change your mind. INT. BAR - ANOTHER ANGLE Winger and Penny have taken a seat at a table. in her surroundings with pursed lips. WINGER So, you and Roger...things didn't work out, huh? Penny takes

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PENNY He's a pig. WINGER How'd you guys meet? friends or... Mutual

PENNY It was two-for night at Murphy's. I was hammered and we did it in the store-room. I guess the condom broke. WINGER I'm sure it was more romantic than it sounds. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Carl and Oliver wheel a bound and gagged Bobby through the hallway back to Winger's apartment. They pass Marvin. (CAUTIOUS) CARL Hi.

MARVIN (RE: BOBBY) Bag another one? CARL Uh...yeah. MARVIN Keep it up. Carl gives Marvin a queer look, then wheels Bobby into the apartment. INT. BAR - DAY Winger tries to turn on the charm. WINGER So, let's get to know each other. I mean, don't you think we should know more about each other? PENNY No, not really. WINGER What's your favorite movie?

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PENNY I dont know...The Sorrow and The Pity. WINGER Didn't see it. Wanna know mine? PENNY No. WINGER Herbie Goes Bananas. (THINKS FOR A SECOND) No...Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. No, wait...I was right the first time. Definitely Herbie Goes Bananas. Okay, favorite holiday? PENNY Black History Month. WINGER Hmm. Mine's Oktoberfest. what's your favorite... Alright,

PENNY Maybe we should be getting back. WINGER What are you talking about? just got here. We

PENNY Listen, I appreciate what you're trying to do here...Actually, that's not true. I have no idea what you're trying to do here. But we obviously have nothing in common. WINGER What are you talking about? We have plenty of stuff in common. PENNY Um...we're both carbon-based forms of life, I guess. WINGER You guess? That's just the half of it. We're both neighbors. And, uh...well, you're always cleaning up after your son, and I'm always having to help out Carl...

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PENNY Yeah, what's the story with you two? WINGER Carl? I don't know. He's just kinda lost, and always getting into trouble, and getting me into trouble, so I... PENNY You take care of him, don't you? WINGER I wouldn't say I take care of him. I just... PENNY No, it's okay. I like that. Penny smiles. For the first time, she emanates some warmth.

INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - DAY Carl wheels Bobby to a corner. Oliver trails after them.

CARL A guy like you's got it made. BOBBY Held against my will by lunatics? Yeah, Im the envy of all. CARL No, I mean...Even after we get the million, I'm just going to blow my share on more stupid bets, and I'll be back to where I started. But you, youve got something you love. BOBBY What, baseball? like baseball. CARL Huh? BOBBY Your friend's right. I don't love this game. Never have. I've always been doing it for someone else. It was always either my family... Man, I don't even

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INT. MANSION - DAY Sheronda speaks to her son, with a handsome man at her side. SHERONDA Daryl? Terrell is your new daddy now, okay? He's not the chauffeur anymore. You understand? INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - DAY BOBBY ...or my fans... INT. MEMORABILIA SHOP - DAY Two SHOPPERS confer over a Bobby Blands baseball card. SHOPPER Hey, do you think this card'll be worth more when they find the body? INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - DAY BOBBY ...or somebody else. Never for me.

CARL What about your friends? BOBBY I don't really have a lot of friends. I have a publicist... agents...an entourage. I used to have a posse until it got too hard to maintain. But no, not many friends. A beat as Bobby's words hover in awkward silence. OLIVER Do you want me to take you camping, Mr. Blands? Bobby looks down at Oliver. INT. BAR - DAY Despite making some headway with Penny, Winger is starting to get a little bleary-eyed. He might cry. Finally...

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WINGER Look, I don't know if it's all the scotch talking... PENNY You've only had one. WINGER I had a few earlier. But, I just want to say that even though you're nine months pregnant and pretty much bursting at the seams... PENNY Hey... WINGER ...and despite the fact that my alcohol intake has left me, for all intents and purposes, impotent...I like you. Penny takes this in. WINGER ...And the fact that you've had at least two children out of wedlock to men you hardly know says to me that maybe your standards aren't real high. Which means that maybe, you might like me too. Oh. PENNY Uh, gee...

WINGER ...and I just thought that maybe we could have an unconventional, nonjudgemental relationship, like the one depicted in the Oscar-winning film Leaving Las Vegas. PENNY Isn't she a hooker in that movie? WINGER Yeah, but thats not necessarily key to the relationship. PENNY Look, youre very sweet... Winger smiles ear to ear.

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PENNY ...But youre also very deluded. think maybe we should get back. Winger is crushed. INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY Winger walks Penny to her door. PENNY Well...thanks. WINGER Dont worry. I wont ask for a goodnight kiss... PENNY It's three o'clock in the afternoon. WINGER Although a hug might be...

PENNY Maybe we could just sort of wave at each other? WINGER Um, sure. A beat of awkward silence, then Winger and Penny meekly wave at one another as Winger heads to his apartment. INT. WINGERS APARTMENT - DAY Winger enters the apartment. CARL Howd it go? WINGER Not great. Sorry. Nah. CARL You want a beer? WINGER I'm good.

Carl is taken aback.

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Whoa. Yeah. Carl is stunned.

CARL Are you sure? WINGER I think I've had enough. Wingers never refused a drink in his life.

WINGER Im gonna go to bed. Winger heads back to the bedroom. CARL It's three o'clock in the afternoon. INT. WINGERS BEDROOM - LATER A panicked Carl rustles Winger from him from his slumber. CARL Winger, wake up! got a problem. (GROGGY) Wake up! We've

WINGER Penny...? Blands got out.

CARL Winger, hes gone. Winger bolts from the bed.

INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Winger frantically gets dressed as he inspects the discarded duct tape next to the empty chair. WINGER How'd he get free? Did he swallow a nail file? A paperclip? Dammit, you were right about the body cavity search. CARL No, I untaped him. WINGER You what? CARL He said he needed to stretch.

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WINGER Oh, sweet Jesus, Carl... CARL He promised he wouldn't run. lied to me. He

WINGER For crying out loud, Carl. We just had to keep him for one more day. One more day and we would have won the million. Okay, how long's he been gone? CARL About half an hour. WINGER What? Why'd you take so long to wake me up? CARL I wanted to give him a chance to come back on his own. He betrayed my trust, Winger. I gotta tell you, Im very disappointed. INT. WINGER'S CAR - NIGHT Winger and Carl scan the empty streets for Bobby. WINGER This is pointless. going to find him. We're never

CARL C'mon, Winger. Don't give up. Goonies never say die. Winger turns on the radio. RADIO NEWSCASTER ...and in breaking news, Cleveland Indians star Bobby Blands, who has been missing for the last three days, turned himself in to an Oakland police station... WINGER Dammit! CARL Okay, now we say die.

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RADIO NEWSCASTER ...Blands, whose Indians take on the A's tomorrow in a playoffdeciding final game of the season, claimed that he had been kidnapped and held against his will by two crazed fans... WINGER Please don't say our names. RADIO NEWSCASTER ...Winger Showalter and Carl St. Claire. WINGER Dammit. RADIO NEWSCASTER No details yet on any alleged sexual abuse. Now stay tuned for another sixteen minutes of commercial free music after this... INT. BAR - NIGHT A clearly dejected Winger and Carl nurse drinks at Winger's hang-out. They sport their mustache disguises. CARL It's my fault. It was all that candy I ate. You know I don't metabolize sugar very well. WINGER What's done is done. Its over.

CARL We'll be okay, won't we? WINGER Sure. I mean, crazy's a legal defense, isn't it? BARTENDER Top you off? The bartender pours one and Winger downs it in one swallow. WINGER You know, for a second there, I really thought we were going to get away with it.

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CARL Yeah, me too. WINGER It just seems like the harder we tried to keep things going, the more messed up things got. BARTENDER Well, sure. Any complex system inevitably becomes more disorganized in response to external attempts to impose order. That's basic chaos theory. Didn't you read "Jurassic Park"? WINGER Just fill the glass, alright? The bartender shrugs his shoulders, pours another, and walks away. CARL You know, Winger, I just want to thank you. WINGER What for? CARL We've been through a lot together. That paternity suit. The birth of internet gambling. Even the return of the McRib sandwich. And no matter how many times I screw up, you always stand by me. Winger cocks an eyebrow. Sharing emotions is not his forte.

CARL Look, I know I put on a good front and everyone thinks I have it so together, but to tell you the truth, I don't. Winger's look clearly states that no one thinks he has it together. CARL But if it wasn't for you, I'd probably be dead or in prison, or who knows what...

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WINGER Carl, in about 48 hours we're going to be both dead and in prison. CARL Maybe. But I still...hey, you know what? We might be okay. WINGER How so? CARL There's just the one game left. And we don't even know if Blands'll be able to play. WINGER Yeah... CARL So long as Blands doesn't get a hit tomorrow, we still win. We still get the million. WINGER Hey, you're right. youre right. Holy crap,

CARL So what do we do now? (SOLEMN) WINGER We pray.

A beat of pregnant silence. CARL No, seriously... INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY Mustache-clad Winger and Carl watch a big-screen TV with a throng of ONLOOKERS at a raucous local sports bar. Their fate is in God's hands. SPORTSCASTER #1 Welcome to an exciting show-down between two spirited rivals - the Oakland A's and the Cleveland Indians. Up for grabs is the American League wildcard.

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SPORTSCASTER #2 This would be sweet redemption for the Indians who have miraculously rallied these final days in the absence of Bobby Blands. ONLOOKER C'mon A's! SPORTCASTER #1 Blands's re-emergence has got to be a shot in the arm for the Indians and sets the stage for what could be one of the most dramatic and exciting returns in not only sports, but all recorded history. SPORTSCASTER #2 Yes, more dramatic than Willis Reed's triumphant return to the Garden. More important than the Allies storming the beaches of Normandy. And even more exciting than when The Natural Roy Hobbs cranked a blistering homer that shattered the scoreboard - securing the pennant and winning Glenn Close's love. SPORTCASTER #1 That wasn't real, Al. SPORTCASTER #2 It was real to me. INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY Bobby has joined his team-mates as the Indians MANAGER gives the team a pep talk. No one makes eye contact with Bobby. MANAGER One week ago, everyone said we were done. We were on a ten game losing streak with no end in sight. Since then, you've played hard, you've played like a team, and you've turned it around. You boys have shown me more heart out there than I've seen in my thirty five years in the game. You've made me proud. The players all look at one another with pride. excluded from their glances. Bobby is

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MANAGER Now Bobby is back, and we've got one game left. With the week you boysve been having, there are a lot of managers whod be afraid of putting him back in the line-up -screwing with team chemistry. (BEAT) But Nike says I have to, so it is what it is. Alright let's go. Bobby's teammates give him dirty looks before heading out to take the field. EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Its 0-0 in the bottom of the first. A bat boy hands Bobby his bat and helmet. Teammates stir restlessly. Bobby walks to the on-deck circle, rubbing his bat with a pine tar rag. BOBBY This ones going out of the park. Home run, baby. Home run. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY Winger and Carl watch the TV in rapt attention as Bobby takes his stance. CARL Cmon, Oakland-As-pitcher-whosename-I-dont-know! EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY The pitcher starts his windup and delivers. misses. Strike one. Bobby is pissed. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY WINGER Yes! EXt. MCAFEE COLISEUM - GAME IN PROGRESS- DAY Bobby retakes his stance and the pitcher delivers - another strike down the middle. Bobby doesnt even get a swing off. UMPIRE Strike! Bobby swings and

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Bobby steps out of the box, shaking his head in frustration. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY Alright! CARL Come on now!

EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Bobby digs in again. BOBBY Lets go, baby. Lets go.

The pitcher winds up and delivers - a breaking ball high and inside. Bobby swings mightily, but its another whiff. Strike three. Bobby hurls his bat and storms to the dugout. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY Winger and Carl are overjoyed. CARL Yes!! Whooo!! Too legit to quit!! (OFF PATRONS BLANK STARES) What? Im bringing it back. INT. SPORTS BAR - LATER Winger and Carl watch in glee as the Sportcaster rails on Bobby who has just struck out swinging again. SPORTSCASTER #1 And Blands strikes out again. I know Bobby is itching to get that sixtieth homer, but that is six straight pitches and he has not even made contact with the ball... EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Bobby slumps in his seat. BOBBY What? INT. PENNYS APARTMENT - DAY Oliver and Penny are watching the game. His teammates glare at him.

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SPORTSCASTER #1 (O.S.) If youre an Indians fan, youve gotta be wondering if youd have been better off if Blands had been brutally murdered. SPORTSCASTER #2 (O.S.) I know I am. Oliver points to the screen. OLIVER Thats the man who was in our house. He smells like licorice. INT. SPORTS BAR - LATER Winger finishes another scotch. Carl is enjoying himself.

CARL This is actually kind of fun. SPORTSCASTER #1 Bottom of the seventh and Bobby Blands is up again. Al, Blands just doesn't look the same out there. Do you think the trauma of the abduction may be a factor? SPORTSCASTER #2 I wouldnt think so, Chet. As you know, my nine year-old was held captive for three weeks by a drifter who claimed her as his "wife", and near as I can tell, there were no adverse effects. SPORTSCASTER #1 Children are very resilient, Al. SPORTSCASTER #2 They're our greatest resource. EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Bobby heads to the box. A fan calls out from the stands.

FAN Hey, Bobby! Stop swinging for the fences and just try to get on! Bobby glares at the fan.

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INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY CARL You know, Winger. I don't want to jinx us, but I really think we're actually going to do it. Winger glares at Carl in exasperation. EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Bobby stares down the pitcher. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY CARL Seriously, we're gonna make it. EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY The pitch is launched, and Blands CRANKS it. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY WINGER Okay, get your coat. to Mexico. We're going

EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY The ball rockets toward the stands. The A's outfielder chases it down, and at the last second, makes a flying leap and SNATCHES the ball just before it clears the wall. UMPIRE You're out! INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY The bar goes bananas. Winger and Carl are nearly catatonic. I think I blacked

CARL What happened? out. INT. SPORTS BAR - LATER

Six empty scotch glasses line the bar.

Mustaches are askew.

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SPORTSCASTER #1 Two outs in the bottom of the ninth and we're tied at one. The Indians are trying to mount a rally. Abdul Rahim is up next. Al, is there anything that can compare with the excitement of a live game? SPORTSCASTER #2 Chet, we've been here for over four hours, and the score is still one to one. I do 162 games a season, and I honestly couldn't tell you why someone would sit through this. I've wasted my life. SPORTSCASTER #1 You okay, Al? SPORTSCASTER #2 I may have had a little too much cough syrup. WINGER C'mon Rahim! Knock it out! CARL I thought we were rooting for the other team. WINGER If he hits a homer, the game is over. Blands wont get another at bat. CARL C'mon Rahim! EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Abdul Rahim walks to the plate and assumes his stance. The ball is pitched, and he takes a big swing, missing narrowly. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY Winger and Carl wince in disappointment. EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY The pitcher winds up, and throws again. ball into right field. Rahim CRANKS the

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INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY WINGER/CARL Go! Go!

EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Rahim speedily rounds the bases as the ball bounces just over the right fielder's head. The right fielder chases it down and hurls it back into play. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY WINGER In-field homer! In-field homer! Yes! CARL Whatever that is!

EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY The ball is whipped to the catcher, and Rahim stops short at third base. He settles for a triple. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY WINGER Dammit! CARL Did we lose? SPORTCASTER #1 Up next for the Indians is Bobby Blands. This could be Blands's chance to put his team into the playoffs, but his timing has been off all day. His inability to get going is not dissimilar to my Lexus which had trouble starting this morning due to a leaky carburetor. SPORTCASTER #2 That's not much of a metaphor, Chet. SPORTCASTER #1 No, but it was a pain in the ass to get to work today.

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EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Bobby takes a last practice swing, then steps to the plate. CATCHER You gonna make sixty? BLANDS I got a taste for the ball last time. This one's going out. The pitcher waits for his signal, winds up and launches a rocket. Blands swings for the fences, but misses again. UMPIRE Strike! Blands curses to himself. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY WINGER Okay, two more strikes. Two more.

EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY One of Bobby's teammates calls to him from the bullpen. TEAMMATE Cmon, Bobby! You don't gotta hit it out of the park! Just drive him in! Bobby glares at him, then retakes his stance. Bobby locks eyes with the pitcher. Wind up and a pitch. Bobby swings so hard he nearly falls down, but he still can't make contact. UMPIRE Strike two! INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY WINGER This is it, Carl. Our whole lives come down to this last pitch. CARL (MOUTH FULL) Have you tried these Buffalo Wings? They're amazing.

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EXT. MCAFEE COLISEUM BULLPEN - GAME IN PROGRESS - DAY Bobby steps out of the box to collect his thoughts. glances over at the bullpen. He

BOBBY'S POV: The camera tracks the entire bench - each guy is dejected and defeated with their head in their hands -- even the Indian's giant purple mascot Slider. The camera finally stops at the manager who - in contrast to everyone else - is totally unfazed by the moment. He isn't even paying attention, but is instead cheerfully text-messaging a friend. Ooh. MANAGER Dinner at TGIFriday's.

The bullpen coach nudges the manager. BULLPEN COACH Skip... MANAGER (SNAPPING OUT OF HIS REVERIE) Oh. Get a hit, Bobby! Bobby steps to the plate. Huh?

His mind is racing.

Rahim waits nervously on third - itching to make it home. Voices from the past week reverberate in Bobbys head. WINGER (O.S.) ...It's not about the stats or the records. It's about winning... CARL (O.S.) ...I heard they shrink like raisins... OLIVER (O.S.) ...My gerbil's name is Petey... Bobby shakes his head and snaps out of it. This is it. He digs in hard.

The pitcher launches another - a howling slider. But this time, instead of trying to crank it, Bobby leans in and lightly bunts the ball. SPORTSCASTER #1 Holy cow! Blands bunts it down the first base line!

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Rahim takes off running from third. The pitcher scoops up the ball and tosses it to first to tag Blands out. The first baseman hurls the ball home, but its too late as Rahim slides in for the winning run. SPORTSCASTER #2 Rahim scores! Blands drives in the winning run! The Indians go apeshit and storm the field. INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY The As crowd is in shock. CARL What happened? Are we dead? It

WINGER Its a sacrifice single! doesnt count as hit! CARL What? WINGER It doesnt count as a hit! it! CARL We did it!

We did

Winger and Carl embrace and jump up and down in joy. crowd looks on at them in contempt. SPORTSCASTER #2 You know, you really shouldn't do 'holy cow'. That's Rizzuto's shtick. SPORTSCASTER #1 Oh, so he owns 'holy cow'? SPORTSCASTER #2 Look, you can do what you want, but you sound like an amateur. WINGER I can't believe we did it. CARL Was there ever a doubt?

The As

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WINGER Yes. Much doubt. Rampant doubt from pretty much all parties involved. Good God, Carl. We're millionaires. INT. SMILEY BURGER - DAY Winger and Carl stroll in - kings of the world. is ordering from a pimply teenage cashier. CUSTOMER ...a Smiley Burger, medium Shasta, and a large french fry. CARL Excuse me, we'd like to see your manager, please. CASHIER Look, if you found a toenail in your fries, we're aware of the problem, and it's being addressed. WINGER No, We're here on official business. You are looking at the winners of your million buck rotisserie challenge. Now can you run fetch him, please? CUSTOMER Um, could I change that to onion rings? INT. SMILEY BURGER MANAGER'S OFFICE - DAY The manager looks over some paperwork. MANAGER Well, this looks to check out. Congratulations, youre our winner. Winger and Carl are ecstatic. MANAGER I guess Bobby Blands being out was pretty lucky for you, huh? WINGER You have no idea. A customer

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CARL So, do you keep that much cash in the register, or do we get one of those poster-size checks? MANAGER I'm sorry? WINGER Where do we even cash a check that size? What difference does it make? A million bucks is a million bucks. MANAGER Um, I think there's been a misunderstanding. You guys have won a million burger bucks. Right. WINGER A million bucks.

MANAGER Burger Bucks. WINGER I'm not following you. MANAGER Burger Bucks are coupons valid for discounts at participating Smiley Burgers. They're not legal tender. Winger and Carl look at one another in concern. CARL Winger, whats he talking about? WINGER Okay, hang on. How much are these burger bucks worth in real money? MANAGER Well, there's no actual cash value. I'm sorry. WINGER What?

MANAGER It's more of a promotional thing. They just encourage you to come in more. But you will be in our company newsletter.

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CARL They're worthless? MANAGER Not worthless. Anytime you buy two extra value meals, you're entitled to use one burger buck against the purchase price. CARL We are so screwed. WINGER (INCENSED) Don't you think you should have written somewhere that these things have no cash value? So people don't get confused? MANAGER Well, if you'll look here at your gamepiece, you'll see this disclaimer that says "Burger Bucks have no cash value". WINGER No one's going to read all that fine print! MANAGER It's just one sentence, sir. Winger and Carl look like they've just received a death notice...which they have. INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY Winger and Carl slump up the stairs, utterly defeated. INT. WINGER'S APARTMENT - DAY They enter the apartment and shut the door. CARL So, if we were to do a murdersuicide pact, which of us would be the... Winger's door opens. It's a panicked Penny and Oliver.

PENNY Winger, I need your help.

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OLIVER Hello, Mr. Showalter. PENNY I need you to take me to the hospital. WINGER You late for work? PENNY No, the baby's coming. Oh...Oh. What baby? WINGER (PANICKED) Uh, shouldn't you lie down? Should you tip your head back? PENNY It's not a nosebleed. pregnant. CARL You're pregnant? WINGER Well, what do I do? PENNY Just get your keys. CARL Wow. I mean, I thought she was kinda chubby...but pregnant? WINGER Okay, I can do this. Are you ready to go? Do you need to pack? OLIVER I wanna watch cable. CARL Uh, Winger. We got company. Carl points out the window, and they spy Ted and Jerry - the burly toughs from the opening - outside their building. I'm WINGER The baby's coming. CARL

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WINGER Uh, Penny? Is there any chance that you've had sex with either of those two guys? PENNY What? No. WINGER Then we better run. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Winger's car launches out of the garage like a missile. TED What the...? Ted and Jerry leap into their Impala and give chase. INT. WINGER'S CAR - DAY Carl rides shotgun with Penny and Oliver in the back. WINGER The hospital's on 27th, right? PENNY No, my HMO will only cover a visit to a caregiver within their prescribed network. WINGER Where's that? PENNY On Fairlane, east of Roehm. WINGER That's like thirty miles from here! I know! PENNY It's a crappy plan! You work in a

WINGER But you're a nurse. hospital!

PENNY Yes, bravo for life's little ironies! Let's reflect further on it!

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CARL Wow. Pregnant women really are cranky. EXT. ROADWAY - DAY Winger handles the car with dazzling aplomb - skating the shoulder and dodging obstructions. Ted and Jerry follow in hot pursuit. INT. WINGER'S CAR - DAY Penny is going into labor. PENNY Winger! WINGER Okay, you just gotta hang on. CARL Yeah, you do not want to have a baby in this car. You really dont even want to have a meal in here. WINGER Shut-up, Carl. CARL Not to mention, you'll never get the smell of placenta out of these seats. That stuff sticks with you. EXT. ROADWAY - DAY Ted and Jerry are catching up. Winger yanks the parking brake, sending the car into a screeching spin. Winger negotiates the spin into hard left down an alley. INT. WINGER'S CAR - DAY Carl is impressed. PENNY Winger, why are those men chasing us? WINGER I'm sure it's just a mix-up.

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CARL Hey, you know who I always get mixed up? Herman Hesse and Howard Hesseman. PENNY Winger, they have guns. WINGER Look, the most important thing right now is to remember to breathe. CARL Well, duh. That's true for everyone, regardless of whether or not you're pregnant. WINGER Hang on, were almost there. EXT. ROADWAY - DAY Winger fishtails across the asphalt with Ted and Jerry still on his tail. Approaching the hospital, Winger launches over curb, Evel-Kneivel style. The car lands with a hollow thud, right in front of the entrance. They all quickly exit. CARL I had no idea you were such a good driver. WINGER I've never driven sober before. Can we get a doctor here? Some orderlies quickly take Penny and Oliver in a wheelchair. Before Winger and Carl can follow, Ted and Jerry pull up. TED Hiya, boys. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Ted and Jerry lead Winger and Carl to an alley beside the hospital. They begin loading and cocking their weapons. CARL Wow, that's a lot of bullets. how many of us do you plan on shooting? Just

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TED You know, the nice thing about doing this at a hospital is that there's a morgue on the premises. Yeah. JERRY Saves time.

TED Hey, I forgot to ask, how'd Whitewood work out for you? WINGER He was a nice pick-up. Thanks.

TED No problem. So, you want it in the head or gut? Head makes for a closed casket, but guts painful. WINGER I cant believe this is it. CARL My only regret is that I never got my shot on Broadway. BOBBY Not so fast... Bobby suddenly emerges from the shadows. WINGER Bobby! Bobby kicks the gun out of Ted's hand then throws a flying elbow to Jerry, knocking him to the ground. CARL Look! His freakish strength saved us. illegal performance aren't so bad after Hey, man. superhuman Looks like enhancing drugs all.

TED This isn't your beef.

BOBBY How much do they owe? TED Thirty two grand. Plus juice.

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BOBBY Carl, if I remember correctly, I still owe you fifty-thousand dollars from the Whurlitzer bet. CARL Hey, that's right! BOBBY Do you mind if I use it to pay the man here? (IN SHOCK) CARL That would be fine.

Bobby whips out a checkbook and writes Ted a check. TED I'm not sure what just happened here, but it looks like you guys are good. No hard feelings. Ted and Jerry walk away -- confused, but satisfied.

CARL Wow, thanks, Bobby. But how did you know we were here? BOBBY That's a fair question... An extra long beat as Bobby fails to answer what should be an obvious studio note. WINGER Okay, I don't understand. Why would you even help us? Was it because we helped you win the game? BOBBY No, I did that on my own. WINGER Yeah, but weren't we the ones who made you remember that the most important thing is your teammates? BOBBY My teammates? No, I'm actually declaring for free agency after this.

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CARL Was just because you liked us? BOBBY No, I think you're dangerous sociopaths who pose a threat to both yourselves and society. WINGER What was it then? BOBBY It was that kid. Lobo. That goofy bastard taught me everything I thought I thought I knew about myself but had forgotten. And for that, I owed you. WINGER What are you talking about? BOBBY Kids, man. I love kids. When you spend your life traveling around on chartered planes and staying in five star hotels, you start to lose touch. But after being locked up in a room with that dumb, sweet, amazing boy, I realized what I'd been missing. WINGER (DISBELIEF) Werent you once arrested for throwing a clock radio at a kid who asked for your autograph? BOBBY (LOST IN REVERIE) I'm telling you, man, I'm going to start a foundation for kids. I'm going to start a summer camp. I'm even thinking about having a couple kids of my own... CARL Don't you have a son? BOBBY ...Community centers. Now, that would be great. A place where kids can hang out after school and play board games on rainy days.

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WINGER Well, thanks Bobby. But we've gotta go experience the miracle of childbirth. BOBBY Maybe I could buy a toy factory... INT. HOSPITAL - DAY Winger and Carl approach the Admit Nurse. WINGER We're looking for Penny McCarthy... ADMIT NURSE She's in room 413. Are you the father? WINGER No. ADMIT NURSE Sorry, only immediate family. WINGER We live in the same apartment building. The Admit Nurse thinks for a second. ADMIT NURSE That's probably good enough. is a pretty cheap hospital. INT. MATERNITY WARD - DAY Winger enters Penny's room. She is in deep labor - huffing and puffing. Winger immediately catches view of her outstretched legs in the stirrups. WINGER Agggh! Winger shields his eyes. Winger? PENNY Is that you? This

Penny's doctor immediately stops tending to her and approaches Winger.

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DOCTOR CURTIS Hi, I'm Dr. Curtis. Dr. Curtis offers his gloved hand to shake. and slime on it, Winger gingerly declines. DOCTOR CURTIS You want to help out? WINGER No, I...hey, didn't you used to be my vet? DOCTOR CURTIS Ive been known to moonlight. WINGER That fish died because of you! INT. MATERNITY WARD - LATER The baby is on its way. Winger is a little green, but he holds Penny's hand and helps her along. WINGER Penny, you're doing a great job. You're almost there. NURSE Doctor, her cervix is dilated nine centimeters. The head is crowning. DOCTOR CURTIS This is the part that always freaks me out. Buddy, you want to take over here? WINGER Huh? DOCTOR CURTIS Come on. It's just like riding a bike. Only wetter. Winger reluctantly assumes the position between Penny's legs. WINGER Okay, this is in no way like riding a bike! Noting the blood

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INT. MATERNITY WARD - LATER Winger is delivering the baby. NURSE It's coming! It's coming! WINGER Seriously, there must be someone more qualified for this! BABY WHAAAH! Winger is surprised to be suddenly holding a crying baby. WINGER Dear God. Winger looks to Penny. We did it. They share a warm smile. INT. MATERNITY WARD - LATER Winger is at Penny's side as she recovers. barely lucid. PENNY Winger, what you did there - that was amazing. WINGER Just being...neighborly. PENNY Winger, while I was gone, did you kidnap someone and hold them hostage in my apartment? Caught, Winger debates about whether or not to lie. Yes. WINGER Yes, I did. Exhausted, she is They lock eyes.

WINGER

PENNY And did you threaten them with force and use my taser gun to keep them in line?

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WINGER I did that too. Penny takes this in. PENNY Did you make sure Oliver brushed his teeth? WINGER Every morning and every night. Penny smiles lightly. PENNY Good...Where is Oliver anyway? WINGER He broke open a thermometer and ate all the mercury. They're pumping his stomach. PENNY He's a weird kid. WINGER Yeah, he is. PENNY You know, usually, a guy doesn't see that much of me until at least after the first kiss. Winger's ears perk up. WINGER Does that mean there's going to be a first kiss? PENNY Maybe. Let's see what happens after the epiderual wears off. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - DAY Winger walks out to find Carl. Wow. WINGER That was amazing.

CARL I bet. So does the carpet match the drapes?

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WINGER Yeah, it...what? Shut-up. No, it was so weird. All of a sudden, I was holding this tiny little thing in my arms. It was so fragile and full of life, and I... CARL Just wanted to throw it against a wall? No. WINGER What are you talking about?

CARL I'm not saying you'd do it. I'm just saying people get these weird impulses, and... Winger stares at Carl in disbelief as Dr. Curtis approaches. DOCTOR CURTIS Hey, nice save in there, dude. WINGER Yeah, thanks, doc. DOCTOR CURTIS It doesnt matter how many times you see it. It is always the most beautiful and life-changing experience. (BEAT) Say, either of you guys interested in buying some scrips? WINGER I think we're good. INT. HOSPITAL NURSERY - DAY Winger and Carl look through the glass of a nursery filled with crying babies. CARL He's a cute kid, isn't he? Yeah. WINGER He really is.

CARL You think she'll name him after one of us?

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WINGER Maybe. Doofus McCarthy does have a nice ring to it. Carl smiles. CARL You know we didn't make any money off this whole thing, but it turned out alright. WINGER Yeah. CARL I mean, everything actually worked out. Things worked out for us. Things worked out for Penny. Things even worked out for Bobby. WINGER I wouldnt imagine that's quite true. CARL What do you mean? He won a playoffclinching game and discovered his joy for children. He finally has a chance at being happy. WINGER Carl, the man just wrote a personal check for fifty thousand dollars to a known bookie. Does the name Pete Rose ring any bells? I'd say his career is pretty much over. Carl mulls this for a moment. CARL Well, things mostly worked out. Yeah. WINGER Mostly. CARL Cute kid. WINGER Very cute. FADE OUT.

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FADE UP ON: INT. PENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Winger is watching a game on TV and filling in a stat sheet. Penny emerges from the kitchen with Oliver at her side. She calls out as she feeds the baby a bottle. PENNY Dinner's ready. OLIVER Cmon, Mr. Showalter. Winger gets up and heads towards the kitchen. we push in to the TV. A commercial comes on. INT. TV. COMMERCIAL - DAY Its Bobby, looking a little older, and a little wiser. Again, he looks directly at the camera. BOBBY Hi. I'm Bobby Blands. And before my career ended in a morass of alleged gambling ties and unsubstantiated allegations of steroid use, I was the homerun king... The background morphs, and Bobby now stands in front of a large child's daycare center. BOBBY But now I'm the king of childrens daycare. And if you want to trust the care of your child to a perfect stranger, who better than a golden glove winner?.. As Bobby continues, we... FADE OUT. THE END As he exits,