THE DOOBIES - Pilot

Written By Matthew Lamb and Ron Pilarski

1617 N EL CENTRO AVE #3 LOS ANGELES CA 90028 (818) 679-1639

EXT.

FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

JAY, PINNER, SKEETER LEG and FATTY toss around a football. Jay has the ball and sets up for a long pass to Fatty. JAY This one's to you Fatty. PINNER Go long. SKEETER LEG Yeah fatty, go long. Jay throws the ball Fatty runs ridiculously and reaches out, he thinks he has a chance. PINNER You got it Fatty. SKEETER LEG Yeah Fatty, you got it, you got it. (bzzzzzz bzzzzzzz) Fatty leaps with all his might but alas he misses horribly and crashes to the ground. PINNER Damn Fatty that sucked. SKEETER LEG Yeah that sucked Fatty. As Fatty stands up and turns around there is a big stem sticking out of his back side. Skeeter Leg starts freaking out, Pinner screams, Fatty spins around trying to see but can't like a dog chasing his tail. PINNER Man Fatty, you got a big stem sticking out of you, I knew you was part swag weed! SKEETER LEG Yeah... schwag weed. FATTY I ain't schwag weed, you guys are outdoor organic. PINNER No were hydro.

SKEETER LEG HYDRO!!!! (Flips out) JAY Enough. You ain't no swag and you ain't no Hydro. Now we got to fix Fatty and I know just who to see.

EXT. ASHTRAY BAR - LATER The boys get to the bar and see Blunt the Doorman at the door. There is rock music inside. JAY Is my Grandpa in there? It's an emergency. BLUNT Everybody's Grandpa is in there. And it's always an emergency. They try to go around him but he is massive. JAY No we need to get in there. He leans in to them, mean. BLUNT Don't make me twist you into a pretzel. JAY Show him Fatty. Fatty spins around and shows the stem sticking out. The doorman is gone but then a thud is heard as he hits the ground passed out cold. PINNER Ah little baby blunt can't stand to see a stem sticking out. SKEETER LEG Yeah little baby. Pinner kicks at Blunt but he grunts and the boys scurry quickly into the bar. INT. ASHTRAY BAR - CONTINUOUS Inside the smoky bar joints drink in the front and

cigarettes play pool in the back. FATTY Do you see your Grandpa? JAY I don't see him. Toilet flushing sound and the bathroom door opens. A few background voices are heard. (UTILITY VOICES) Oh my God! Ew. Light a match.... GRANDPA ROACH I did. Ah yeah I bet yours smells like roses! The boys go over to him as he sits back at the bar. Grandpa Roach is eye level with the boys in his barstool. JAY Grandpa, we need you're help. GRANDPA ROACH I already bought some cookies from those other girls at the supermarket. JAY No it's me, your GRANDSON. GRANDPA ROACH Oh, if you say so, what's the problem? FATTY I got a stem sticking out. Grandpa Roach takes a look, hems and haws. GRANDPA ROACH Well you can either stick your (BLEEPS) in his (BLEEP) until his (BLEEP) is (BLEEP), I mean really (BLEEP). Or you can take him to the clinic and get him patched up. PINNER That's fucked up. SKEETER LEG (Flutters gibberish.)

JAY Uh, I think we'll just head down to the clinic then... bye Grandpa. EXT. CLINIC - LATER The four boys arrive at the clinic to find a line of others outside. They see the Prego sisters, MARY JANE and PEGGY. PINNER Oh no it's the Prego sisters. MARY JANE Hey Pinner. SKEETER LEG (Suddenly he is suave and not bent) Hey Peggy. PEGGY Hey Pinner. What ya'll doin'? SKEETER LEG Oh Peggy my love. I will sweep you off your feet and take you to France. Where we will have cavier along the river Sienne. But this cannot be as we are from two different worlds, and... PINNER (annoyed slaps Skeeter leg) Snap out of it! Every time we're around those Prego sister you get all weird and fancy acting. SKEETER LEG (He's bent again and tweaks out) JAY Come on Fatty, we lost these two to those pregnant sisters. Jay and Fatty exit. PEGGY (off screen) We're not pregnant! INT. CLINIC - MOMENTS LATER Dr. Papel finishes putting the patch on Fatty while Jay watches.

DR. PAPEL. There you go, good as new. You should really try to lay off the stems and seeds though son. It would not hurt you to shed a gram or two. Now see Nurse Patch on your way out and take it easy for a few days. FATTY I will, thanks Dr. Papel. CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - THE NEXT DAY They play football again, the same play as before. Fatty calls the ball. FATTY This one's mine, I'm not gonna drop it again. JAY Okay Fatty, don't mess it up. Fatty goes out for it, dives and catches the ball. He stands holding the ball everyone looks at him shock in a gasp. JAY I'll call Dr. Papel. FATTY What is it? JAY You busted your patch open. SKEETER LEG Look a seed fell out. PINNER Tolds you he was swag! FATTY I ain't no schwag!