Macbeth

Why?My wife shouted. I cant kill the blooming King can I, woman! Youll be King soon so it wont matter! Ok, you win, but my place as King will not be quite secure. So I went off, and found my dagger. I call him Phantom. The reason for this, is that I got it for a valentines present from a ghost that looked like Harry Hill.

That evening, I walked into the Kings bedroom, and stabbed him in every place that was precious to him. And then, I wiped the blood from the dagger onto the Kings sons. If I were to have been discovered at this very moment or at any other time, I would have to pull out my shaving kit, and shave everyones beards off. Not one man can live without his beard. I ran back to my bedroom, threw open the window, and lobbed the dagger in a random direction (accidentally hitting my faithful servant, Happy Nappy Boy).

The next day, I woke up to find a dagger in my chest. This called for a cigar! I lit the end of the highly dangerous stick, and breathed a sigh of relief as the dagger vanished. Why did the illusion appear? Oh yes, I hadnt washed my eyeballs for ten years. Just then, I heard Duncans children shoutingMurder! Murder! Let us flee to England! Ungrateful pigs! Dont even say thank you. Grrrrrr. But wait, I had done it! I had secured the throne!

I was later transported to the castle through a telekinetic warp panel of which was hidden in my wardrobe. I had to attend a boring service just to put a hat on my head, but it was worth it. In the service, I noticed Banquo starring suspiciously at me. Right, this called for action! I hired two goons built like brick privies to murder Banquo and his son. The Lords of the three counties, Tobyjug; Toiletry; and Disney Land, were coming for a banquet that evening and I needed to by some more cigars. I couldnt kill Banquo and go to One Stop in one hour!

Later on, I had got my cigars, and joined my cronies on the battlements. The man is dead, the boy... escaped. They wheezed. You stinking idiots! Why do you never do what I ask! If youre not careful your heads will be on the chopping block! Sorry. They said in a dull harmony. Just then, I took out Phantom and my new dagger called Nighting, and threw them at the six-packs of the twin gangsters. The monsters collapsed into a pile of blood. Sorry is not good enough. I replied, coolly. I withdrew my dagger, and strutted across the blood-stained floor, and headed for the dining hall.

I entered the dining hall, and I asked all the men to stand up for me. As one of the men rose, they revealed their face, and bought forth a disturbing sight...Banquos ghost. I stumbled over! A pain had hit me in the chest. It felt like a 2 meter sword had been driven through me. Are you all right? asked Darth Vader. Without a reply, I rushed out of the room, and headed to the toilet!

After I had done my business, I climbed up to the battlements and wondered what would happen in the future. I decided to visit the old hags again...

Later, I returned to the castle, satisfied by what I had heard. I could only be killed by one of woman born, and I would only die when Dunstan Forest marches to the castle. I mean, come on. You dont see a man pregnant strutting around do you, but I needed to kill Macduffs (a threat to the throne) family to ensure that they do not take the throne in the future. As a result of this, I hired a group of assassins to murder Macduffs family. The next day, my lovely friends returned to tell me that Macduff will be crying all day long.

That evening, I strolled up onto the battlements to observe the view. Just then, one of my messengers scurried up the steps, bleeding to death. The forest is moving! he cried. Then, he collapsed. A second later, another messenger came running up onto the battlements. Sir, the Queen is dead, and that messenger lying at your feet was one of the hundreds that died to bring you the news that Macduff, and an army are on their way to kill you. Blimey. How many people can die in one day? Boy, tell the general to prepare is men for battle. Very well, sir. He said as he scurried off. I then decided to change into my war gear. Sword, double-plated armour, shield, skirt, everything I need for a war.

I fought, and slaughtered every single man from Macduffs puny army except for the man himself. You cannot kill me, Maccrud. I can only be killed by one of woman born. I boomed smugly. Then despair, Macbeth, for I was cut from my mothers womb. Even after he had told me this, I fought to the last breath. As the final inch of sword was driven through me, my soul began to fly free while Macduff delivered the famous Fart of Doom. Once he had finished with the noise of death, my soul broke free, and flew into the great beyond.