a snippet from the old

COSMIC RELIEF Web site

The only official web site by Cosmic Connie [new one coming soon, though "soon" is a relative term] Meanwhile, read Cosmic Connie's Blog: Whirled Musings Email Cosmic Connie

ConfessionsofaPersonalGrowthSurvivor
or:CosmicRelief :thelongstory,byConnieL.Schmidt(akaCosmicConnie) Anelectronicdrunkaloguefromaformerpersonalgrowthaddict. Justlikeameeting,onlyyouhavetosupplyyourowncoffeeandcigarettes. ThetextbelowisadaptedfromapresentationIgave atabooksigningmanyyearsago forCosmicRelief:HonoringandCelebratingtheGlobalParadigmShaft. Someofthereferencesmaythereforebeabitdated,butthisnarrativeshouldgiveyou anideaofhowIbecameso(not)Cosmic. Copyright1996,2013byConnieL.Schmidt Hello,mynameisConnie,andI'mapersonalgrowthsurvivor. ("Hello,Connie!") IsurvivedtheNewAge.Isurvivedtherecoverymovement.(Inallfairness,theysurvived metoo.)IalsosurvivedcorporateAmerica.Yes,corporateAmerica.IgotoutjustasTHEY weregettinginto"excellence"andafewyearsbeforetheygotinto"empowerment."Now they'reinto"visioning,""missioning,""soulfulness,"PowerPoetryReadingsand,forallI know,ExecutiveSweatLodges.(ThinkaboutsittinginaSweatLodgewithyourboss.Isthis somethingyouwouldwanttodo?)
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

Manypeoplethinkthesetrendsareapositivesign,anindicationthatbusinessisbecoming morehumaneandmoremoral.Andtheymayberight,butIhaveafeelingthatmuchof thiscorporatepersonalgrowthstuffisjustaploytodistracteverybodyfromwhat'sreally goingon....alltherightsizingandoutforcingandbackstabbing,nottomentionthe upsurgingofC.E.O.salariesandthedownscalingofthesalariesofeveryoneelse...but,as formercomedianturnedwingnuttysourpussDennisMillerusedtosay,that'sjustmy opinion,andIcouldbewrong. Ifirstgotintopersonalgrowthbecause(1)Iwasboredanddissatisfied;and(2)everybody elsewasdoingit.Besides,itseemedtobesaferthandrugs.Anditlookedlikefun.Alotof thepeopleIknewwhowerepersonallygrowingalwaysseemedtobewalkingaroundwith euphoricgrinsontheirfaces.AtthetimeIhadnoideathatsomeofthesepeoplewerealso ondrugs;Ithoughttheywerejustevolved. Anyway,Iwantedwhattheyhad.Iwantedtounderstandallthosecoolnewwordsand phrasestheywerealwaysusing.IwantedtogotoseminarsintheTexashillcountryand NorthernCaliforniaandNewMexico.Iwantedtopossessthatmistyeyed,feelgood, hushedvoiceairofmysterythatwouldmakeotherpeoplewantwhatIhad.Iwantedto beEVOLVED. IalsohadthisnotionthatIwasshallow,andthepersonalgrowthfolkswereprofound. ThiswaspartlybecausesomeofthemkepttellingmethatIwasshallowandtheywere profound.AfterawhileIstartedbelievingthem.ButIfiguredifIhungaroundthemlong enough,andlearnedallthewordsandwenttoalltheworkshopsandreadallthebooks andlistenedtoalltheaudios,Icouldbecomeprofoundtoo. SoIstartedreadingthebooks.Ilistenedtotheaudios.AndIbeganreallytalkingand listeningtopeoplewhoweredeeplyinvolvedintheirownpersonalgrowthandthatof others.Ifoundthatthesebooksandthesepeopledidindeedhavealotofintriguingideas. SoIkepthangingaroundthepeople,andIkeptonbuyingmoreofthebooksandaudios.I wasn'tquitereadyforaworkshop,though.Thatstillseemedliketoogreatacommitment. Eventually,however,allthisreadingandlisteningandobservingdidn'tseemtobeenough. IfeltIwaslivingvicariously.

Ijoinedacult,andlivedtotellaboutit.
FinallyIdecidedtotakeaction.Ijoinedareligiouscult.Well,itwasn'texactlyacult...well, yesitwas.Anyway,Ididn'texactly"join";Ijustsentoffforsomeliterature.(Istillhadthis problemwithcommitment,yousee.)Ididn'thavetogiveupmyearthlypossessions,I
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

didn'thavetochangemyname,andIdidn'tevenhavetogotomeetingsthoughIdid endupgoingtoacoupleoftheirconferences. Notthatbeingacultmemberwasn'thardwork.Ihadtolearnapasselofnewnamesand wordsIcouldn'tpronounce.Ialsohadtoreadasmalllibrary'sworthofaggressivelyboring booksandpretendtheywereinterestingbecausetheyheldthesecretstotheuniverse. Inaddition,IfeltobligatedtoactasifIwentalongwiththecult'swackybeliefs,suchasthe existenceofmonasteriesonVenus,andthehighholinessofsomedorkydudefromthe MidwestwhomthecultproclaimedwasTheLivingMaster.SupposedlythisMasterwas somehugelyevolvedhooha,outrankingalltheotherspiritualbigcheesesintheuniverse. AsIunderstoodit,hehadbeengrantedhisMasterhoodbyapanelofninedeadguyswho don'ttalk.LateronhegotdeMasteredbysomeliveguysinthisdimension...somethingto dowithfinancialfinaglingandwomanizing;Inevergotthestraightstory.Hewas immediatelyreplacedbyanotherdorkydudefromtheMidwest. Nowjustincaseyou'recurious,thiswasafairlyobscureorganizationwhosenameIwon't mention(okay,it'sEckankar),duetoitsincreasinglylitigiousnature.Anyhow,Ijustwasn't gettingmuchoutofmyparticipation.OfcourseIfiguredthatmynotgettingitwasmy fault,aresultofmyineffableshallowness.

WhatIdidwithabunchofstrangersinahotel
Sincetheculthadn'tmademeevolvedorprofound,Ifinallyscrewedupmycourageand wenttooneofthosepersonalgrowthweekendworkshops (alsoknownasLargeGroup AwarenessTrainings,orLGATs). Actuallyitextendedoveracoupleofweekends,anditwasprettygrueling.Oh,itwasn'tas badasthatstuffinthe1970s.Inthisone,yougottogotothebathroomwhenyouwanted to,butyoustillhadtodoalotofexplaining.Andwhilenoneoftheactivitieswasabsolutely compulsory,youwereshamedoops,Imeanstronglysupportedintoparticipatinginall thegroupstuff:thegrouphugging,thegroupdancing,thegrouproleplaying,thegroup vomiting(don'task). Anybodycaughtnotparticipatingwasforcedtoundergosomesortofhumiliating interactionwithoneormoreoftheleadersinfrontofeverybody.SoIsortoffakedmy waythroughthesessions:playingalongwiththeprogram,pretendingIwas"gettingit" and,mostimportantly,actingasifIsawnoproblemwhatsoeverwiththisverypublic brandofinstant,onesizefitsallpsychotherapy.Ireallythinkitwastheostentatiousness thatbotheredmethemost;allthatwasmissingweretheTVcamerasbutthen,thiswas beforedaytimetalkshowsbecamesopopular.
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

Atanyrate,thoseweretwolongweekends. Butbelieveitornot,afteritwasallover,Ihad,forafewbrightshininghours,that euphoriaI'dbeensolongingfor.Ithought,"Wow.Thisisit"Butitwasn'tlongbeforeI figuredoutthatthemainreasonIwassoeuphoricwasthatIwassogladtheordealwas over.Evenso,Iwashookedonthateuphoria,briefasithadbeen,soIstartedthinking aboutthenextworkshopIwantedtoattend... Thiswentonforyears:anendlessseriesofworkshops,books,audios,and,ofcourse, innumerableGatheringsofLikeMindedPeople.Forthemostpart,theseLikeMinded Peoplewereactuallyprettymuchlikepeopleeverywhere,excepttheyusedlotsofwords andconceptsthatlessadvancedfolkscouldn'tunderstand.Includingme.

WelcometotheNewAge.Leaveyoursenseofhumoratthedoor.
OneproblemIhadwasthatevenafterallthoseyearsofhangingwithEdgeThinkers,Istill couldn'tunderstandhalfofwhattheyweretalkingabout.I'djustlearnedtopretendI understooditall,sonobodycouldtellhowunevolvedIreallywas.And,bygolly,Ilearned totalkthetalk.ItalkedthetalksomuchthatIprobablysometimesnauseatedtheregular typesaroundme.(Ofcourse,anEdgeThinkerwouldsaythatthiswasn'tmyfault;itwas simplythatthereg'larfolksjust"weren'treadyforit"which,ofcourse,isaeuphemism for"unevolved.") OneobservationstruckmeagainandagainthroughouttheyearsasIhungaroundthe personalgrowthfolksofallthevariousfactions.ThereweremanypeoplewhomIsecretly thoughtweretakingawholelotofthingswaytooseriously.Sometimes,Iconfess,Iwas oneofthoseverypeople. Thatwasprettyironic.OnereasonIhadbeenattractedtothepersonalgrowthfolksinthe firstplacewasthattheyseemedtooffersomethingnew.Ithoughttheywereiconoclasts.I thoughttheywerethumbingtheirnosesatstuffyoldtradition.SoInaturallyassumedthat, aspartofthepackagedeal,surelytheywouldhaveasenseofhumor. Someofthemdid.Butawholeheckofalotofthemseemedtohavesticksuptheirvarious apertures. Forexample,afewyearsagoImetaguywhowasoneofthoseEdgeThinkers.Hehad evenwrittenalongpaperaboutwhatanEdgeThinkerhewas.Heletmereadhispaper.I couldtellitwasagenuinepieceofscholarlyresearchbecauseithadfootnotesand everything,andIcouldn'tunderstandawordofit.
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

Anyway,Iwastalkingtohimonthephoneoneevening,andIhappenedtomention somethingI'dreadaboutacontroversyinvolvingafamousspoonbendingmagicianwhose nameI'dbetternotmentionbecausehemightsendpeopletohurtme.Let'sjustcallthe magician..."Uri." NosoonerhadIgottenthefirstsentenceoutwhenmyfriendstartedscreamingintothe phoneatme,abouthowhehoped"Uri"wouldwinallthosemultibilliondollarlawsuits againsthisdetractors,andhowsomeday"Uri"wouldbevindicated,becausebygolly,he wastherealthing.Ourrelationshipwasneverquitethesameafterthat,andittookme aboutfourweekstogetmyhearingbackinthatear.

Leechesandlooniesandlushes,oh,my!
I'vealsomet,throughouttheyears,manyofthoseseminarjunkieswhocorneryouat cocktailpartiesandtrytorecruityou.Youknowthesepeople.THEYWON'TSHUTUP.And ifyoutrytojokewiththem,justtolightenthemup,theynevergetyourjokes.Theyjust lookatyourealseriouslyandsay,"That'saVERYinterestingwayoflookingatthings."And they'resocompletelycertainthattheirparticularwayoflifeormotivationalguruholds THEkeytohappinessandprosperityyouknow,somevariationoftheold"Lexusinevery garage"theme. Manyofthesepeoplearepoorerthanchurchmice,I'venoticed.Theyclaimthey'remaking alivingby"facilitating"or"delivering"theirguru'sshtick,buttheyalwaysseemtobe bummingmoneyoffoftheirfriends.OfcourseI'mtoopolitetomentionittotheirfaces. Thentherearethecareerrecoverypeople.Idon'twantyoutothinkIhaveanything againsttherecoverymovement.It'ssavedalotofpeople'slives,maybeincludingmine,but that'sawholeotherstory.Ijustchosenottogoformygraduatedegreeinrecovery,ifyou knowwhatImean. AndIampersonallyacquaintedwithpeoplewhoclaimtohavebeenabductedbyaliens andwhogetlividwithragewhenanybodyevendarestoutterthephrase,"hypnopompic hallucination."Butlet'snotgetintoTHATone. Thepointis,theculturallandscapeisoverflowingwithpeoplewhoseemcompletely unawarethat"enlightenment"and"laughter"arenotmutuallyexclusiveconcepts. HangingaroundsomeofthosefolksalmostputstheFUNbackinfundamentalism. Still,Itriedmybestforyearstoaccommodatethehumorimpaired,becausetheywere everywhere,andIwantedeveryonetolikeme.ThereweresomanytimesIfeltIhadto
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

tiptoearoundthesensibilitiesofthosewhoweresoSERIOUSLYonthepath.EverywhereI turnedtherewerepeopleworkingontheirISSUES.EverythingwasanISSUE.Andifyou weren'tworkingonyourownISSUES,well,youweren'toneofthegang. Butthetruthwas,Iwasjustkindoffakingmywayalong.Iwasjustsittingbythesideof theroadlesstraveled. Bytheway,it'sNOTtheroadlesstraveledanymore,incaseyouhaven'tnoticed.They've reallyhadtowidenthatsucker;they'veputafewmorelanesin,andthere'sevena HighOccupancyVehiclelaneforpeoplewithmultiplebeliefsystems. Anyway,Imightstillbefakingmywaythroughthepersonalgrowthdrillifnotforatruly profoundexperienceIhadafewyearsago.Actuallyitwasaseriesofprofound experiencesandeverydayobservationsthatcausedmetoundergoagenuineparodyshift. AndIwouldneverbethesame.

HowIrescuedmyselffrompersonalgrowth
Inanutshell,IgotintouchwithmyInnerSillyPerson,orISP(nottobeconfusedwith "InternetServiceProvider,"althoughsometimestheirfunctionsmaybesimilar).IknewI hadtoletmyISPout,becausesoonerorlatershewasgoingtoescapeanyway,andno tellingwhatsortoftroubleshe'dcause. Sooutsheflew,andtogetherwecreatedtheBigYellowBook,"CosmicRelief."Itwasa hobbyatfirst,therapyofsorts.Iwastoocheap,orpossiblytooscared,toindulgeinreal therapy.Iconfessthat"CosmicRelief"alsobeganasavendetta.Ihadgottenstiffedbya newagemagazinepublisher(no,it'snotanybodywho'sstillpublishingtoday),andI decidedtoproduceaparodyofherpublication ."Ifyacan'tlick'em,lampoon'em,"I alwayssay. Tome,thispersonwasaprimeexampleofthehypocrisyIoftensawintheNew Age/personalgrowthmovement.Shetalkedarealgoodgameofspirituallybasedbusiness ethics,butinfactshestiffednearlyeverybodywithwhomshedidbusiness.Andtomake thingsworse,sheusedalotofnewageeuphemismswheneveryoucalledheronherstuff, totrytoobscurethefactthatshewasstiffingyou.You'veprobablydealtwithpeoplelike this. Thenewagepublishersoonfadedoutofthepicture,soIchangedmyfocus.Idecidedto make"CosmicRelief"moregeneric.Anditjustkeptgrowinguntilitwasabook. Onaphilosophicallevel,"CosmicRelief"beganasamanifestoofmynewfoundskepticism.
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

Yes,somewherealongthewayI'ddiscoveredskepticismpartially,Iadmit,asaresultof mydisillusionmentwiththatnewagemagazinepublisherandIwasreallystartingtoget intoit.Sincemanyofthepeoplewhocalledthemselvesskepticswereatoddswithmanyof thepersonalgrowthpeople,IfeltmoreandmorethatwiththisbookIwastakingabold newstand.Itwas"us"versus"them." SoIstartedtalkingsuchagoodskeptics'gamethat,nodoubt,Iwasnauseatingsomeofmy personalgrowthorientedfriends.

Onceagain,realityintrudes
Amazinglyenough,Isoonfoundoutthatlifeismorecomplicatedthan"us"versus"them." Iwantedthingstobesimple,but,asisitshabit,realityintrudedbeforeverylong.As "CosmicRelief"developedintoabook,orsomethingcloselyresemblingabook,Ishowedit toawholeslewofpeoplemynewskepticfriendsaswellasmyoldpersonalgrowth friends.Surprisingly,someofthemostpositiveresponsescamefromNewAgers.People onbothsidesofthefencereallylikedit;peopleONthefencelikedit.Everybodywas laughing. Well,almosteverybody.Afewpeoplewereoffended,somedeeplyso,and,yes,the offendedoneswerebelieversofvarioussorts,whichsomehowrestoredmyfaithinan ordereduniverse.Iwas,however,puzzledbythedepthoftheirdispleasure.Therearen't THATmanypicturesofnakedpeopleinthebook,andthatwolfandwomanonpage57 arejustgoodfriends,really. Evenso,theproprietress[nowdeceased]ofHouston'soldestandmostfamous metaphysicalbookstorefound"CosmicRelief"patentlyoffensiveandrefusedtocarryit. Nevermindthatshealsohappenedtobethemotherofacertainpersonwho'smadehis fortunebysuggestingthatmenandwomenarefromdifferentplanets,and"CosmicRelief" containsanadparodyofthiscertainpersonwhichsensitivelysuggeststhepossibilitythat heisan"arrogantlittleprick."You'dthinkshewouldbeabletooverlookthat. Butnoooooo."OurpurposehereistoLIFTpeople'sconsciousness,"sheadmonished, raisingherarmsintheclassicgesturewhich,dependinguponone'sbeliefsystem, demonstrateseitherreceptivitytotheHolySpiritorelevatedawareness."NotthatI'm beingjudgmental,"shehastenedtoadd.(Ofcourse!NobodyintheNewAgemovementis judgmental.) Yetanothermetaphysicalboutiquerejected"CosmicRelief"because,eventhoughthe ownerssaidtheythoughtitwasfunny,theywereafraiditmightoffendsomeoftheir femalecustomers.ThisparticularstorecaterstoherbinfusedWiccantypesand
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

issueorientedWildWomen.Theownersfearedthesewomenmighttakeumbrageatthe aforementionedpage57in"CosmicRelief." "Itappears,"theysaid,"todepictawomanhavingsexwithadog." Whichisutterlyridiculous;anybodywhoactuallylookedatthebookcouldclearlysee that'sawolf,notadog.AndasIsaidearlier,thetwoofthemarejustgoodfriends.Really. Besides,forgoshsakes,it'sjustacartoon.No,noteventhatit'stwopiecesofclipartI clumsilybroughttogetherintoacompromisingposition,muchthesamewaythatIusedto naughtilyrearrangethelittlesculpturesandfigurinesonmyexboyfriend'sshelves.It irritatedhimthathealwayshadtodoaquick"shelfcheck"wheneverhisstraightlaced parentswereduetocomeoverforavisit.(Look,Ineverclaimedmaturityasoneofmy strongsuits.)

Thepoint
Oh,butIdigress.IthinkthepointtowardswhichIammeanderingisthis:whicheversideof thefenceyou'reon,orifyou'resittingONthefence,asIam,thewholepurposeof "CosmicRelief"hasalwaysbeentohavefun,tofindthesillinessineverything.AndIwant tobeclearaboutonepoint:tofindthesillysideofsomethingdoesnotmeantosayithas novalue. SohereIam,stillshallowafteralltheseyears,butIhavecometoembracemyshallowness. Inolongeroverindulgeinpersonalgrowth.IthankmyInnerSillyPersoneverydayfor savingmefrommyownterminalseriousness.(IthankmyInternetServiceProviderevery daytoo,fordifferentreasons.) IfthereISanysortofaseriousmessagein "CosmicRelief,"itisthis:Don'tbeafraidtolaugh atanything.Don'tbeafraidtoquestioneverything.Anddon'tevenworryifyou,orothers, thinkyou'reshallow.Firstofall,there'snothingwrongwithbeingshallowifyouownupto it,likeIdo.It'sonlytheunowneduptoshallownessthatisworthyofridicule,which meansthatsomeofthosewhocondemnyoumayinfactbeevenmoreshallowthanyou. Sowhenothersaroundyouareflauntingtheirprofundityandtheirevolvedstatusby personallyandostentatiouslygrowingor,worseyet,bytryingto"changetheworld"or "makeadifference"(whateverthehellthatmeans),andbywalkingaroundbeingso seriousabouteverything,youmaytakecomfortinwhatOscarWildewasreputedtosay:

Seriousness istheonlyrefugeoftheshallow.
2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com

..........

NOTE:Theessayabovewaswrittenmanyyearsagoasapromotionformynowpretty muchoutofprintBLP(booklikeproduct) CosmicRelief:HonoringandCelebratingthe GlobalParadigmShaft(MisguidedAngelPress,1996).ThesedaysI'mnotflogging CosmicRelief, andIamnotsomuchintosatireandparodyasIamintogratuitous snarkingandoccasionalseriousinformedcommentaryonmyblog, WhirledMusings (http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com ),whichfirstsawthelightofdayinJuly2006. Here'saveryearlypostfromthatblog,whichmayprovidefurtherinsight,althoughI warnyouthatsomeofthelinksarenowobsolete. http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com/2006/07/howigotsocosmicornot.html ThebottomlineisthatI'mstill(not)Cosmic,afteralltheseyears. ~CC

2013 by Connie L. Schmidt, aka Cosmic Connie http://cosmicconnie.blogspot.com