My mom had a mental breakdown today.

I was helping her look for my graduation photo forms that came in the mail, that I would have had to respond to with a student code that came on them to order online. My mom had kept on asking me if I wanted them, throughout the week, but I didnt care too much for them. She gave me the flyer and said I could order them if I wanted too. I remember walking into my parents work office with the flyer in hand, but everything else is a blank. This must have been a week ago. Today, my mom reminded me again that we never ordered them. I said that we could order them if we wanted but, I dont even know where they are anymore. We searched for the 8.5 x 11 paper in my office and in her office. My dad asked us what we were looking for, and my mom told him, the graduation form with the photos, and we kept looking. I asked her what they looked like, Its a 8.5 by 11 piece of paper. We checked in both recycling bins. I searched my recycling bin. My dad came in and said, Oh they wont be in there, Im the only one that puts stuff in there. My mom said something like I just cant deal with all of this right now, stuff at home, work, and your dads sickness, and walked out of the office. A few minutes later, my dad asked me again what we were looking for, and I said, trying to hiding some irritation, the same thing. The graduation paper. Is it a photograph on a piece of paper? No, I said, mad that he had not heard/listened to mom explain it to me twice. Its an 8.5 by 11 piece of paper, you mail it in and get the photos. He responded, I think I know what you mean- and it looks like your moms looking in the main recycling bin. Then he made a wide gesture and pointed to the can with much authority, go out there and help her look for it. I already know, I muttered. You dont have to tell me like that, with some sadness and anger. Outside, every single thing in the recycling bin had been taken out and lay scattered across the driveway. With each little breeze, tiny scraps of paper fluttered further out of reach. In silence, I bent down and helped my mom look for the paper, though still unsure of what I was looking for. Even though my mom had given the paper to me, I had no clear recollection of it in my mind. 10 minutes later my dad came out to ask some more questions about the graduation photos. Did they come from Interlake, did Interlake send them. No! Interlake (my high school) didnt send them! my mom retorted. What does it look like? Its a 8.5 x 11 piece of paper with a photo on it! Ah, and do you know which company it came from? No! I have no idea! With each exchange my mom got angrier and angrier, and we have no way of contacting them either, and we were supposed to send it to them back in September. Finally she blurted out, You know this wouldnt be such a problem if she [me] didnt want them. Then I wouldnt have to be out looking for it!

You know, maybe we dont need the photo then, we dont have to look for it anymore if she doesnt want them. my dad replied. My mom then completely collapsed. But I wanted them! She stood up from the ground of piled papers, I hate where I am. I hate where I am. I dont want to do this anymore. I wish I was dead. I wish I were dead! God, why arent you helping me, please. Mom, why didnt you take me with you? Mama! Mama! I wish I was dead, please mom, why didnt you take me with you? My dad stepped closer and closer to her each time until at last he had his arms around her, Ah come on now, and shh, there now, its okay, comfortingly. While this was going on, I stood to the side, not sure of what to do. With my moms tears came my own. My dad helped my mom back inside the house, leaving me to pick up the rest of the trash. I wondered about my moms relationship with my grandma, and wondered why instead of wanting her mother at her weakest moment, she didnt want to be a mother to me instead. As I type this 20 minutes later I wonder why I dont want the same out of my mom. October 7- now I wonder if my mom wonders why I dont want the same relationship out of her.