BIKERADAR THREE WORD STORY By Assorted Twats and Cockers.

Compiled By Cleat Eastwood (twat and cocker)

1. A lady cyclist woke to find she did not have any idea how she had fallen asleep during the wheel change. "No, not again", she said despairingly, pulling the cycle from the ditch and dusting the muck from her borrowed purple helmet with horns sticking on the sides just like those big moo cows in the field. She looked down and was amazed to see that - "Gosh", she exclaimed, "A talking badger!" "Hello young lady" he said lecherously, whilst stroking his white persian cat which was licking his two hairy front paws. Surprisingly, "Hello Mr Badger" said the cat, carried by the man with the fancy dress costume and the enormous pot of gold. The lady cyclist took off her helmet, then her rather moist gloves, and finally her training partner appeared looking rather pleased with himself. "Holy moly, that was the weirdest thing" said the cat, which had subsequently eaten the badger, which in turn caused it to trump a little tune whilst simultaneously developing some stripy marks on his pristine croquet lawn, and the back, or perhaps front, which was the reason why turnips taste disgusting and looked so completely strange in the morning when owls bike store room fills with broken hearts. Only cats have the ability to eat little and often. However, all the jars are belong to fluffy Easter chicks eating welsh dinosaurs that inhabit the cake shop at the soup dragons den. Meanwhile the clangers were trying to develop the

ultimate answer to why men always insist on leaving the big dog behind the sofa instead of around the back of shed. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, with a whooooosh!! and a clatter appeared an abnormally large cyclist who didn't have any wheels on him - clattered around the enormous great big tutu. "What the Henry Higgins is that on your 'My Fair Lady', shaped like a bloody great big chocolate fire guard?"

2. One of these sugar plum fairies was on my carbon aero bars sucking on a rather large pink panther, who wasn't pink, but green with envy about sellers selling fake gear levers for Rover wheels for Ted. "Father OH Father, bring me my pipe and slippers with a change for later dear" "Is that rust on your frame? Hey girl give me your best large skinny latte whilst demonstrating how to open a safety deposit box with a pen knife while juggling with two track pumps." Two large jugs and an innertube stuffed with salami and spicy duck was essential for flying a microlite one handed whilst Veronica spread her crunchy peanut butter across the whole vast expanse of BikeRadars very own icy tundra wasteland. The Wooly Mammoth, our local pub, which also sells Exchange and Mart and Old Hooky, looked empty because today was the day we caught the teddybears picnic. Poor salad though - the sauce was brown and musky with lumps of what looked like silly putty with raisins and cardboard sewn into the leaves of the oak tree under milk wood, but all the little people wore yellow and pink under their bib shorts. The big people got off their trikes and opted for red pogo sticks made from jelly which was recycled from the old white border collies in pink collars barking incessantly whenever obscure German novelists that roamed the suburbs of Slough put pen up behind the bikeshed and got some freshly baked baguettes and some cheesy stuff from under the counter at Arkwrights village shop next to the Village Hall where a cake stall blew up, showering cream everywhere.

And how we laughed as a cherry hit Aunt Daisy right in the middle of her chat with Doris (that woman from the planet Mars), who always wears no knickers when she's cutting a banana so she can feel the full force of the summer breeze on her lady in waiting. Although it seemed like so long since he had a problem getting words out without stuttering due to a freak accident involving the blow-up doll that was hidden under his bed until the day his wife left the gas on so he could do an impression of a dancing whippet called Nigel, whilst juggling chainsaws, which slipped removing his hairy, yet charming, older sister (who liked nothing better than eating deep fried badger and chocolate balls covered in a mint sauce, coincidentally bought at Tescos earlier ). The thing jumped up and bit my shiny new pump, which Holly Vallance had bought when she was drunk as a horse. Then Britain won golden shower award for the dirtiest bib shorts ever seen worn by a old guy who played for Tottenham. He couldn't score like England then and he kept 3 gerbils who also couldn't score. Then came rabbits, they did score...like rabbits until 'meles meles' ate another badger. But this particular badger had a petition to eat rabbits on toast with tomato ketchup and ham with some more rabbit. However, it tasted horrible, so he said "This is horrible", and proceeded to the lounge. When she saw a big "THREE WORD STORY!!!". "Theres always one more welsh rabbit than you can chop up and pickle" said the woman behind the mask, wearing only a

fig leaf to cover her very tiny bits and very large belly button, it was pierced and bleeding all over her pet badger that was dead cool and called 'The Elevator' because he could lift the spirits of a battery chicken. "Feel my hairy legs" said Daisy. Duke should have a lawn mower race around the Top Gear track with Kristin Scott tied to a lamppost, stag do stylee, complete with Victoria Pendelton wearing one very big grin. She's left her bike behind her gold medals in the garden shed behind the big flat bloke who was hiding his wallet under the dirty washing. She really ought to spread her jam more evenly on her crompet like crumpet, only with an 'o' ring to seal the deal onwards and upwards to the top of the Eiffel Tower. When she looked at a three word response that was posted through the keyhole of number 10 Penny Lane, London where Del Boy and the plonker were playing with Old Uncle Alberts radio controlled boat in an old rusty dolly tub which used to be full of Mrs Miggins' pies made from badgers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sage and onion crisps are awful with custard tarts, but when you rub them between your very moist armpits they smell bloody awful, unless you'd had garlic stuffed down your cycling shorts yesterday and then went like the clappers across the moors and disappeared over the boy racers. The boy racers admire the curves of her ample charms and a pair of 36 inch biceps, wow, Arnold what big teeth marks you made on my bottom bracket which has a big rusty on his arm

near his watch, where the time trial race number '666 Hard Bastard' had been branded. Later that day after he had finished pulling off his wig so as to show an adoring crowd his lobotomy scar in the shape of an enormous Tibetan badger who posed while the photographer went blindingly obviously mental when the cat pissed on his fish and chips, and mushy peas went all over his cat, the cruel twat. "Why is the grass green?" asked Bernard the Barman in the ladies toilet looking a little embarrassed with his trousers being full of ferrets, while Doris sang 'Silver Machine' and rode a little white bull which had enormous problems giving birth because it wasn't pregnant .or female. Worlds first man to eat a box of conkers? Liar, its spring again, lets sing karaoke. Get in the right gear always helps uphill except on Tuesdays when it rains the rain that is like sheets that soaks you to the bone and it is never advisable to wear nothing when climbing a ladder, your gonads will be frontpage news !! Sunday Sport would make you into a superstar if you show youre a spunky chap who will do anything for 1. Good VFM, that and all that. Right, where now? Why not Cleethorpes? "Is it open?" said the girl, while being squashed up against the rack of tyres by the fat of her double chin strap on her bobby's helmet!