50 Funny Quotes 1. Borrow money from a pessimist - they dont expect it back . 2. Young men want to be faithfu !

and are not" o d men want to be faith ess! and cannot. 3.Friendship is ike peeing on yourse f# e$eryone can see it! but on y you get the warm fee ing that it brings. 4. % am so c e$er that sometimes % dont understand a sing e word of what % am saying. &Oscar Wilde' 5.(on! if you rea y want something in this ife! you ha$e to work for it. )ow *uiet+ ,heyre about to announce the ottery numbers. &Homer Simpson' 6.% am not a $egetarian because % o$e anima s" % am a $egetarian because % hate p ants. & Whitney Brown ' 7.-hen you are courting a nice gir an hour seems ike a second. -hen you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems ike an hour. ,hats re ati$ity. &Al ert !instein' ". .ogs are the eaders of the p anet. %f you see two ife forms! one of thems making a poop! the other ones carrying it for him! who wou d you assume is in charge. &#erry Sein$eld' %./eres something to think about# /ow come you ne$er see a head ine ike 01sychic -ins 2ottery3 &#ay &eno' 1'. 4ne of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.5 &(eor)e W. B*sh' 11. %nsurance is ike marriage. You pay! pay! pay! and you ne$er get anything back. &Al B*ndy' 12. ,he on y thing that interferes with my earning is my education. &Al ert !instein' 13. 6y ad$ice to you is get married# if you find a good wife you be happy" if not! you become a phi osopher. &Socrates' 14.7as is getting so expensi$e %m gonna ride a mexican to work. &+hris ,oc-' 15. 6en want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women# a itt e bit of support! and a itt e bit of freedom. &#erry Sein$eld ' 16)e$er stand between a dog and the hydrant. &#ohn .eers' 17. % be ie$e that sex is one of the most beautifu ! natura ! who esome things that money can buy. &Ste/e 0artin'

1".4n y two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy. 4ne is to et her think she is ha$ing her own way! and the other is to et her ha$e it. &&yndon B. #ohnson' 1%. /uman beings are the on y creatures on earth that a ow their chi dren to come back home. &Bill +os ey' 2'. %f a man smi es a the time! hes probab y se ing something that doesnt work. &(eor)e +arlin' 21.%f you are going through he ! keep going. &Winston +h*rchill ' 22.Be carefu about reading hea th books. You may die of a misprint. &0ar- 1wain' 23.%f you o$e your 8ob! you ha$ent worked a day in your ife. &1ommy &asorda ' 24.9 ot of peop e are afraid of heights. )ot me! %m afraid of widths. &Ste/en Wri)ht' 25.You tried! and you fai ed! so the esson is! ne$er try. &Homer #. Simpson' 26.:$ery man is gui ty of a the good he didnt do. &2oltaire' 27.-hen an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror. &B*rt ,eynolds' 2". 9bsence ; that common cure of o$e. &0i)*el 3e +er/antes' 2%.9 ways and ne$er are two words you shou d a ways remember ne$er to use. &Wendell #ohnson' 3'.%t matters not whether you win or ose" what matters is whether % win or ose. &Wein er)' 31.9s to marriage or ce ibacy! et a man take the course he wi . /e wi be sure to repent. &Socrates' 32.9 husband is whats eft of the o$er after the ner$e has been extracted. &Helen ,owland' 33.)e$er insu t an a igator unti after you ha$e crossed the ri$er. &+ordel H*ll' 34.% ike pigs. .ogs ook up to us. <ats ook down on us. 1igs treat us as e*ua s. &Winston +h*rchill' 35.,here are three faithfu friends;an o d wife! an o d dog! and ready money. &Ben4amin 5ran-lin' 36.,he troub e with being punctua is that nobodys there to appreciate. &5ran-lin .. #ones'

37.9 my ife! % a ways wanted to be somebody. )ow % see that % shou d ha$e been more specific. & #ane Wa)ner' 3".,he most exciting phrase to hear in science! the one that hera ds new disco$eries! is not 0:ureka+ &% found it+' but 0,hats funny = & 6saac Asimo/ ' 3%.9 ways forgi$e your enemies" nothing annoys them so much. &Oscar Wilde' 4'..oing nothing is $ery hard to do=you ne$er know when youre finished. &&eslie 7ielsen' 41. ,he reason why worry ki s more peop e than work is that more peop e worry than work. &,o ert 5rost' 42.,he person who writes for foo s is a ways sure of a arge audience. &Arth*r Schopenha*er' 43.9n archaeo ogist is the best husband a woman can ha$e" the o der she gets the more interested he is in her.&A)atha +hristie' 44.% ne$er forget a face! but in your case % be g ad to make an exception. &(ro*cho 0ar8' 45.7ood gir s go to hea$en! bad gir s go e$erywhere.&0ae West' 46.Beer is i$ing proof that 7od o$es us and wants us to be happy. &Ben4amin 5ran-lin' 47..ancing# the $ertica expression of a hori>onta desire. &(eor)e Bernard Shaw' 4". .ont knock masturbation. %ts sex with someone % o$e. &Woody Allen' 4%. 9 women are good - good for nothing! or good for something. &0i)*el 3e +er/antes' 5'. :$erything is funny as ong as it is happening to somebody e se. &Will ,o)ers9