So here's the deal on McCallum: I had the opportunity to watch them play a scrimmage over the weekend.

These young adults are the zenith of athleticism. Their stick skills are overwhelming and !"" of them are a threat from the outside. This is an important game for us. #or those of you who don't know Coach $owman had to agree to a %lood sacrifice of two first year players &ust to receive the opportunity to play these guys. 'e'll discuss who these two will %e on wednesday. #irst off it's important to note that they (!)* all drunk the %lood of satan and now live tortured lives for all of eternity. This shows out on the field. They are +,T made of flesh and %lood any longer %ut e-ist only as shadows. This is an important distinction %ecause we 'I"" have to douse our lacrosse sticks in holy water %etween .uarters for our checks to have !+/ effect. They will +,T %ecome fatigued they will +,T heed the cries of our mothers and they 'I"" steal and enslave our first %orn children. I guarantee this. They are fueled %y our fear and the %lood of %a%ies so do your %est +,T to cry or %ring any %a%y %lood to the game. 0uring our scrimmage we will +,T %e using a lacrosse %all %ut will instead %e playing with a concentrated %all of hatred. $e careful not to look directly at the %all as it 'I"" turn your soul %lack. The hatred should fuel you %ut 0, +,T let it control you. 'e 'I"" %e on our %est %ehavior and if I hear !+/,+* cursing or talking %ack to the ref we 'I"" have a talk. I saw them %eat the four horsemen of the apocalypse over the weekend and I can tell you they're a very deep team. They cut down to the crease a ",T and we (!)* to slide to shadow 1+elson Cole and Ian2 if we want to win. I've attached a couple pictures from the game. +ow for individual reports: 345 on their team has si- hundred and si-ty si- eyes which means he has incredi%ly field vision. (e sees the game from all angles. (e 'I"" iso and dump. 36 on their team is currently e-iled from hell for pu%lic urination. (e 'I"" urinate on us and it IS highly acidic so keep an eye on him. 367 has poor stick skills %ut he will utter demonic mantras that will cause you to tear your own genitalia off. (e 'I"" make the ref make the calls and he will +,T stop until the whistle %lows. Many of you may have noticed that Matt 8ainey did not show up to the alumni game. It's %ecause 367 ate him. (e 'I"" eat some of us too. 8entlemen I can guarantee you that if we go out there on saturday thinking this is an easy win we 'I"" %e cast into a lake of fire. 'e are not &ust playing a team of highschoolers we are playing against the forces of satan himself. 9emem%er if we %eat this team we 'I"" move up in rankings. The eye of the nation is upon us this weekend. Satan predicts an 7 goal differential in their favor %ut I'm

confident that if we get out to practice and work hard on clears and ground %alls we can %eat these guys. 'e &ust need to stay focused. 8od 'I"" throw us a pizza party if we can %eat them. !lso prepare for a 5 or : hour trip to the %owels of hell %ecause allowing them to play on our field would open a dimensional rift permitting all of satan's minions to cross into the corporeal realm. 'e%%