CAR RULES

Before we can even start to iook at English unwritten social rules about cars and driving, tirere are a few'universals'about cars that need clarifying. Across all cultures, humans have a strange and complex rela-

tionship with the car. TLre first thing we need to be clear about in this context is that the car is not primarily a means of transport - or rather, if that sounds a bit too extreme) that our reiationship with the car has very little tu do with the fact that it gets us from a to b. Trains and buses get us from a to b: cars are part of oLrf, personal territory, and parr of our personal and social identity A bus can take you to the shops and back, but yor-r do not feel at horne in it or possessive about it. A train can get you to work, but it does not make socialll' and psycho-

logically significant statements about you.

These atre cross-cultural r,rniversals - basic, rather obvious facts about hurnans and cars. But we can now move straight back into discussions of Englishness, because the English, of all nations, are the most likely to resist or even vehemently deny at least one of these basic facts.
The Status-indifference Rule

like to believe, and wili often doggedly insist, that social-status considerations play no part in their choice of car. Even
Specific al|y, the English

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aL ri-re

RULES OF

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i:I lii
i;!i

height of the Bfu{\w's yllppre-irnage heydair, for exainpxe, trpwarcllyfor their mobile Englis6 execurives cJ.aimed that they i:ought their Bhz{Ws speed, reliability, comforr, sign, de and excellent German engineering norational, other and drag-coefficients 6anclling, Btr-{p, rorquel row do with to btrothing irnage" social with do ro qualities. Fdothing
nonsense

orh.er words, the sort of lumpen lower-middle-class person associated wrth this particular make of car. 'ft4ondeo fufan' is the current generic euphernisrn for this social category.

it,

iir
iili
i:

irnpressing srarus. Norhing ro do wirh vaniry. Norhing ro cio with car. bloody_good a {r's no. oh girlfriends. ir-ist coileaglles or neigl-rbours or

Sorne upper-middles may be too polite, or too sqr-leamish about appearing snobbish, to sneer out loud, so you have to watch their faces .^ruf*rlly for rhe characreristic brief wince or little moue of distaste that

wiltr be rriggererJ by the word'Vlondeo'. Arncng the higher or more

ll''

iil

Englisl *o**r.
eve', emotional

their flashy Forsci-re or big Mercedes is'a beautifr,il car') wolnen will cute'; teil you thar rhey wanr the rrendy new VTfl Beetle because it is'so

and soffie E,nglish mer1, lviil admit to aesthetic and say that re asons for choosing a part.Cr-rlar car. Men wiil

secure reaches of upper-middle, the reaction is rulore likely to be rnild, benign, sotrnewhat condescending amusetnentt', andthe genuinely upper class may sirnply have no idea what you are talking about. I fonnd that rhe Mondeo-resr is a premy good indicator of class-anxiety: the more

both will even confess that they'fell in love with'a'gorgeous'car fuf cs or the s6owroom, or thar they have always had 'a passio*' for

in

Mi'is, or rhat they are 'sentirnentally

attached' to their ri-tsty old banger' that rn'e choose cars that acknowleclge to as far go so We mig6t even some aspect of our selfor 'personality' individual we feel express our eccentric, sporty' sassy' quirky, fun, stylish, image (cool, sophisticatecl, professional, serious, manly, down-to-earth, sex)! honest, unclerstated, \x/e will not acmit to buying or wanting starus. social etc.). But nor our a parttcular make of car because it is associated with a social class or category to which we wish to be seen to belong'
Class R ules

scathing apd contempcuous someone is about Mondeos, ttr'le more insecur they are abour rheir own position in the sociai hierarchy" T6is is not a quesrion of price. The cars driver-l by }uIonctreo-despising upper-middles may well be considerably cheaper than the reviiecl Azlondeo, and the almosr equally ridicuied Var-rxhalls and other Britishmade 'fleet'j8 cars. Br-lt horvever inexpensive and lacking in comfort or

l*xury

features, the hrlondeo-despisetr's car will be a fclreign, preferably Continenral make (Japanese cars are not favour"ed, although marginally more acceprable than Fords and Vauxhalls). The only exceptions

ro rhis anri-British rule are Minis and big, four-wheel-drive 'country'

vehicles such as Land Rovers and Range R.overs. Those who regard theinselves as beipg a class or rwo above Mondeo Man may well drive a small, cheap, second-hand peugeot, Renault, vsil or Fiat harchback but they will stitrl feel smugly superior as A4ondeo Man glides past them in his bigger, faster, more comfortable car'

The 'hllondeo Test'

But the truth is that car choice, like almost everyrhing else in England, a is mostly about class. If you are conducting resea!:ch - or iust have albeit admitting, into people English trick you can rnischievous narure this indirecrly, the real social-class reasons for their car choice. You do like would or own actually they car of make the abour not by talking not would and like not do they brands the about by asking ro own, bur

The 'Mercedes-Test' Upper-middles who pass the ir4ondeo-test

- those who are merely mildly

middle-rniddle or b.ry. Mention the Ford Adondeoi6 to a member of the some sort of make auromatically will rhey and classes upper-middle salesmen - in insurance or Man' 'Essex jokey about comment sneering
be out of date by the time y:-u ,.1d this, br-rt there 36. TheMondeo erample may car, probably a Ford or Vauxhail, lower-white-c.ollar will be an equivalent ,,ri,rrbun, so just substitute the new name.

approval: I know one unquestionably 32. or even, among the very class-seclire, it upper-rnicldle wornan who actually drives a Mon,Jeo. Sl-re says that she bought big 'If the salesrnen: with associations Mondeo-Man its of pr.rir.ly because .o*p"nies buy it for their travelling salesmen, it musf be a reliable car that can take a lot of abuse,' she argues. Such confidence and admirable disdain for the opinion of others is, however, quite rare' ('fleets') by companies, generally for the use 38, Cars purchased in large quantities of travelling sales sraff, area managers and other relatively low-grade employees. 163

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amused by your suggesrion rhar rhey rnight drive a Moncleo - rnay still reveal hidden class anxieries over the Mercedes. \ilhen you've had your complacenr ligle chuckle about Mondeos, try saying'Ncrw, let me guess ...I'd say you probably drive a big }4ercedes'' If your subje6 looks hurr or annoyed, and responds either tetchily,

RULTS OF THT might

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with a forced iaugh, or with a scornful comment about 'rich trash' or

,weaithy businessmen', you have hit the acljacent-class insecuriry buttonyour subje6 has made it inro the upper-middle 'intelligentsia', 'professional' or 'country' set, and is anxious to distingr-rish hirnself from the despised middle-midc{le 'business' class, witir which he almost certainly

ell drive a rop-o1i-the-range Audi, which costs abor-rt the same as a bigfu{ercedes, but is regarded as more elegantly understated' At tlle rnofflent, B&fWs ate tatnted, to some extent, with the sarne business-class image as the Mercedes, although generaliy associate cl with a younger, Citi'-dsaler, 'yuppie ' ste reo tYpe' Jaguars have also suffered a bit frorn a .,rulgar 'trade' connection, being associated rntith wealthl, used-car dealers, slum-landlords, bookmakers and shadyunderworld characters. Bur Jaguars are also the official cars of govern* nrent ministers, wtrrich ro sorne lencls them an a:r of respectabiliry

6as some farnily conneccions" You

grapdfather

wili

finn1

that his father (or

even

these preiudices are passed down the generations) was a

petit-bourgeois micldie-class businessman

successful shopkeeper

of sorne sort - perhaps a or sales manager or even a weil-o ft car dealer -

although others feel rhat dris only con{irms their inherent sleaziness. and I did nor trn both cases, however, these associations mav be fading, Should you indicator. a class-anxiety as find eirher cf these cars reiiabie * or if experiments class-anxiety wish to replicare my highly scientific you just fancy rormenting some socially insecure upper-midclles - use
the ln{ercedes test.
Car-care and Decoration Rules

who senr his children ro smart public schools where they learnt to look down on petit-bourgeois middle-class businessmen. lvlany English people will tell you that there is no longer any JaneAusrenish srigma amached to being'in trade'. They are mistaken. And ir is nor jusr rhe rin1, minority of aristocrats anC landed gentry who

rurn up rheir noses ar rhe com{nercial world. Upper-neiddle class people in,respectable' professions, such as barristers, doctors, civil servants
and sepior army officers) can often be equally snooty - and the uppermiddle chattering classes (with their 'nice-rvork' careers in the media, the arts , acadernia, publishing, charities, think-tanks and so on) are the mosr disparaging of ail. Very few of these people will drive a Mercedes, and mosr will regard the Mercedes-driving classes with at least some degree of ctrisfavolrr) bur only the insecure will get all huffy and heated and scornful at rhe thought of being associated with such a vulgar,
business-class vehicle"

But class clistinctions, and class anxieties, don't stop with the rnake of car you choose ro clrive. The Englislr will also gauge your social rank by the appearance and condition of your cat - tfie way in which you care for it, or do not care for it" The unwritten class rules involved in car care are even more revealing t6an those governing our choice of car, because we are less consciously aware of following ttrrern. The English all know, atrthough we won't admit ir, that our car choice is a class indicator; and we all know, although we pretend not to, exactly which cars are associated with which classes. Bgt many people are unaware that the state and condition of their car rnay be broadcasting even more powerful class signals than its make.

Again, rhe price of rhe car is not really the issue here" fu{ercedesdespisers rnay clrive either equally expensive, more expensive or mr-rch cheaper cars rhan the lvtercedes they find so abhorrent. i{or is wealth
per se the problem. Upper-middle Mercedes-despisers colne in altr income brackets: tSey may make as rnuch money as ttrre 'vulgar rich businessman' driving the 'Merc' (as he r,vould call it), or even more' or much less. The class issue corrcerns the means by which one acquires one's wealth, and how one chooses to displa), it. A lvlercedes-despising barrister or publisher

* F{ow clean and shiny -_ or dirry and scruffy is your car? As a crude of the rniddlehallmark the are cars shiny of thumb: sporless, '-rle dirty, neglected whitre classes; upper-working and middle, lower-middle
cars are characreristic of the uppers, upper-middles and lower-workings (or in many cases 'not-workings' - the deprived, unemployed, underhighest classes). In other words, dirty cars are associated with both the ranks. middle the with cars clean scale, social the of and very lowest ends distinctions class specific More thrat. as simple as quite But ir's nor

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WATCHING THE INGLISH c{epend not o11l}r nr* ttrre cleanliness of your catrl but also on precisely how it got that way. Do you r,vash and polish the car yourself, lovingly and religiously every weekend, in the driveway or street outside your house? Then you are almost cerrainly trower-middle or upper-rn'orkitg. Do you take it frequently to a car-wash? Then you are probabtry either middle-rniddle or lawer-rnicidle with mid*ile-mictrdle aspirations (if you

RULES OF THE

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rleerins', you are lower-micldle of working-class origins, ancl anxious to proclaim your white-collar status.
There are rni.nor variatiolls to the interior car-care class rules, relating mainly ro sex-differences. Wornen of all classes generally tend to have somewhat less tidy cars than ffren - they ar rather more prone tc scatrering sweer-wrappers and tissues, and leaving stray glove s, scarves) lnaps, notes and other paraphernalia strewn over the seats. fuIen are usually a bir more 'car-proud', a bit more ana\ about keeping such things in the giove-conripartrnent ar side-pockets, rather less tolerant of clutter and mr-rddle . I-{aving said that, the Lrpper and upper-rniddle classes of both sexes have a high tolerance of dog-related dlrt and disorder (an imrnunity they share, agatni with the lower-working/urrder class). The interiors of their cars are often cCIvered in dog hair, and the uphclstery scratched to bits by scrabbling paws. Tire midclie-rniddies and lower-rniddles confine their dogs to a caged-off section behind the

are Llpper-rniddle, yotrr car-cate habits betray rnictrdle-rniddle origiirs). Do you sirnply rely on the English weather io sir-iice off the worst of the grime for yoLr) only resorting to a car-wash or bucket when you can no longer see out of the rvindows, or when people start finger-writing graffiti in rhe dirt on the boot? Then you are either upper ciassre, upperrniddle or lower-working/underclass" This last rule rnight seem to sllgg;esr that one cannot distinguish between an Llpper-class car and an uncler-class one" trn terms of degree of neglect, it is indeed irnpossibie to tell the difference) but this is where one has to take the make of car into consideration as well. At the trrigher end of the social scale, the filthy cffi is likely to be a Continental make (or, if British, either a 'country' four-wheel drive, a AzXini or something grand sr-rch as an old Jaguar, Bentley or Daimler); while at the lower end, the grubby vehicle is more likely to be British, American or Japanese" fu{ore or less t}re same principle applies to the state of the interior of the car" A scrupr-rlously tidy car indicates an upper-u,orking to rniddlemiddle owner, while e lot of rubbish, apptre cores, biscuit crutnbs, crumplec{ bits of paper and general disorcler slrggests an owner from either the top or the bomorn of the social hierarchy And there are still smaller clues and finer clistinctions. trf you not onl), have a tidy car, but also hang your suit-jacket carefultry cn the limle hook thoughtfully provided for this purpose by the car manufactlrrers, you are lowermiddle or possibly at the lower end of middle-middtre class. (All other classes sirnply sling their jacket on the back seat") If ,yoLr hang your jacket on a coat-hanger attached to the little hook, you are definitely lower-middle. nf you also hang a neatly-ironed shirr: o11 a coat-hanger frorn the limle hook, to change into before arriving at your 'important
39. Tire exceprtion breing very wealthy members of the Lrpper class whose servants are responsible for their car care, and whose cars are therefore cleaned to impeccable upper-working-class standards.

back seats.

The iower-middles might even hang a fr,at, tree-shaped, scented dangly-thing from their rear-view mirror to counteract any doggy
smells, or indeeci any smells. Thelr houses also tend to be full

of air-

as f'resheners, loo-fresheners, carpet-fresheners and other Ceodorizers are rhose of the middle-middle class, but the middle-middles know drat

hanging scenred tree-things or any other clangly objects from your real view mirror is lower class. In fact, you will not see any decorative objects anywhere in cars belonging to the middie-middle and higher social ranks. I.trodding dogs on the back shelf, Garfields clinging to windows and other cutesy animal motifs are lower-middle and working-class indicators, as are bumper-stickers and windscreen-stickers informing vou of rhe car's occllpants'taste in holiday destinaiions and leisi-rre activities. There are oniy two exceptions to the no-sticker rule, and these are virtuous anirnal-charity stickers and smugly safety-conscious 'Baby on Board' notices, which you will see on the reat windscreens of both lower-micldle and rniddle-rniddle cars although the middle-middie notices are less likely to sport the iogo of a nappy-matrufactttrer. (A few borderline upper-middles may also display 'Baby on Board' signs, but rh,ey are sneered at by the rnaioriry of upper-rniddles, particularly tlie intelli gentsia.
)

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rnentionecl at the beginning of this section rhat the 'personal-territory' factor js an irnportanr elernent of our relatioltship wirh the car. \)7hel-l Ford describecl their rg4g rnodel aE'a living-room on wheels', they were cleverly appealing to a deep-seated human need {or asense of terrirory
tr

and security. This aspect of car-psychoiogy is a cross-cr-rltural universal, but it is of particular significance to the English because of our obsession with olir hornes, which is in turn r:elated to our patholcgical preoccupation wittrr
privacy"

An Englishrnan's home is his casfle, and when an Englishrnan takes to the road ln hls cat) a part of his castle goes with hirn. We have seen thar on public transporr, the English go to great lengths to maintain an illusion of privacy: we try to pretend that the strangers surroultding us sirnply do +ot exist, ancl assiduously avoiC any contact or interaction iorith them. In our mobile castles, this seif-delusion becomes mr-iclt
e

asier: rathe r than an invisible 'bubble ' of stand-offisLrness, \,ve are enclosed in a real, solid shielcl of metal and glass. We can pretend not only that we are alone, but also dtat we are at home.
The

Astrich

Rule

This illusion of privacy results in some rather strange and decidedly un-English behaviour. Like ostriches with their heads in the saud, English people in their cars seem to beiieve that they are invisible. You will see drivers picking their noses) scratching themselves in intimate places, singing and 'bopping' along to music on their radios, having screaming rows with their partners, kissing and fondling - things that we would norrnally only do in the privacy of our own homes, all performed in full view of dozens of other drivers and pedestrians, who
rray often be only a few feet
arnrxy.

The sense of home-like security and invulnerabiliry provided by 6ut mobile castles also encourages some more offensive forrns of disinhi-

bition. Even normally fairly polite English people find

themselves

making rude gestures and rnouthing insults and threats at other road users from the safety of their cars - in many cases saying things we would never dare to say outside this protective shield.

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