3/18/2014 1 The Freedom Toast Draft 3/12/07 Script Written and Conceived by Rob Seite man and the

Cast of The Freedom Toast !yrics Written and Conceived by "arc #mory$ Rob Seite man$ and the Cast of The Freedom Toast Son% C&e' (nythin% )oes In olden days our fall elections Were thought of as pure perfection But now God knows nything Goes !ick "heney too who once knew #etter words $ow only has four letter words %or his foes nything Goes& 'he world has gone (ad today nd good)s #ad today nd #lack)s white today nd left)s right today When (ost #ills today re for frills today 'hey)re *ust really +uid pro +uos nd I a#hor e,tre(ist haters& I cringe when those great de#aters ll co(e to #lows& nything goes$ow .illary)s won re/election Will she #e the ne,t selection of all the pros0 nything GoesWhen *ournalists get 1ery ti(id Because they decide they)d rather kiss !u#ya)s toes nything GoesIf dri1ing fast cars you like If gay #ars you like If old songs you like

3/18/2014 2 If g/thongs you like If it)s !ean you like 2r 3artin 4heen you like Why no#ody will oppose$ow e1ery night the set that)s s(art Will #e laughing at our #i/partisan co(edy roast 'he %reedo( 'oast-

3/18/2014 3 *ntro S+etch Tracey, Reed, and Ashleigh sit on chairs or a couch or bean bags, etc. watching T.V. Kevin enters. They are transfixed. We hear the mumble of news in the background 5e1in6 .ey guys& ll 7e,cept 5e1in86 4.....---9eed6 We)re in the (iddle of so(ething here: 5e1in5e1in6 What0 !id so(ething happen0 The three laugh chuckle. !h, so su"erior. shleigh6 ;1erything happened: 5e1in5e1in6 2h (y God: what: turn it upVoice#over comes u" <&2&6=the #ody is scheduled to #e returned to the Baha(as for #urial later this (onth& 'he pre(ier of >udge 4eidlin)s new reality '< show: ?'ough >ustice:@ is scheduled for= Kevin "icks u" remote, clicks it off, general u"set amongst the grou". 'racey6 What did you do that for: twerp0 shleigh6 I)( telling !addy9eed6 I wanted to 'i1o that5e1in6 !on)t you guys care at all a#out real news0 9eed6 'his is real news: 5e1in5e1in6 $o no no- 'his is not real news- What a#out the war0 What a#out the elections0 What a#out !arfur0 'racey6 #out as e,citing as >oan 9i1ers on <aliu(-

shleigh6 !addy says I shouldn)t worry a#out anything9eed6 We)re at war0 5e1in6 !o you realiAe that the (edia has de1oted 3BC of its ti(e to co1ering nna $icole 4(ith: Britney 4pears: and the stronaut0

3/18/2014 4 shleigh6 But 5e1in: as a #eautiful: attracti1e: pretty wo(an: it is really i(portant that I know e1erything that)s going on with the( so that I can a1oid all of their (istakes& 'racey6 !on)t look at (e: I *ust think they)re funny& 9eed6 4o (uch pain=so (uch suffering=so little underwear5e1in6 ;$2DG.- I)1e had it'racey6 $ot again= 5e1in6 Ees again: 'racey& !o you realiAe that only F0C of people 1ote in presidential elections in this country0 shleigh6 !addy 1otes for (e& 'racey6 I don)t care- 3y 1ote doesn)t count anyway9eed6 We ha1e elections0 5e1in6 Well: the day has co(e: (y friends& I refuse to accept this any longer& I will not allow our political syste( to wallow in the +uag(ire of political apathy& I will stand up and fight- Who)s with (e0 $rickets 'racey6 . . - $ow get out of (y way- >erry 4pringer)s co(ing on5e1in6 Eou don)t need >erry- Eou need/ shleigh6 I wouldn)t e1en know where to #egin& 5e1in6 What did you say shleigh0 shleigh6 'here are all these people and things going on=it)s *ust so confusing! !!E---9eed6 It really is=(ay#e not *ust confusing: though: #ut also/ 'racey6 4tupid& 5e1in6 Wait- What if it didn)t ha1e to #e stupid0 What if I could (ake politics co(e to life for you0 shleigh6 %or (e0

3/18/2014 F 5e1in6 %or all of you0 What if: I could (ake politics interesting and e,citing& 9eed6 It can)t #e done& 5e1in6 Ees it can'racey6 .ey guys: check it out: we ha1e our own 5now/it/ ll5e1in6 Golitics are a lot like our popular '< shows& shleigh6 9eally0 5e1in6 Ees: let (e show youshleigh6 9eady9eed6 9eady'racey6 'his should #e interesting& 5e1in6 Het)s start with so(ething fa(iliar& Kevin takes the remote, "resses a button, and the lights go out, music starts re you ready0

3/18/2014 I Democratic *do We hear the theme song from American %dol Ryan &eacrest comes out, all smiles 9yan6 Hi1e fro( >ackson ;le(entary in !i,1ille $otch: $ew .a(pshire this is !e(ocratic Idol& Welco(e to the finale of !e(ocratic Idol: IJ( your host: 9yan 4eacrest& 'he two finalists that 200 (illion trillion of you actually 1oted for last week are ner1ously waiting in the #lue roo(& 'onightJs winner will go on to perfor( li1e in !en1er and then (ay#e get a shot at the #ig show in !"- But #efore we here fro( our idols: letJs introduce our *udges- 9andy >ackson&&& 9 $!E6 Eo dawg- I)( *ust=you feel (e0 9E $6 2h I feel you 9andy: this whole audience feels you 7initiates a""lause8--lo1ely Gaula #dul: how are you doing0 nd

G DH 6 7always with $oca#cola cu"8 hahahahahha: I)( doing awful: #ut I feel so good9E $6 'hanks Gaula: glad to hear it& nd last #ut not least: 3r& 4i(on "owell-

4I32$6 9yan: that shirt (akes you look short and gay& 9E $6 4i(on "owell e1ery#ody4I32$6 4hut up- I a( so relie1ed that >oe Biden was kicked off the show last week& fter that horri#le perfor(ance of ?;#ony and I1ory@ I thought I was going to ha1e to spend a week in the shower& 9E $6 nd what a#out 5erry0

4I32$6 $ot (uch to say really& >ust sort of #lah& 9E $6 nd <ilsack0

4I32$6 I)( sorry: who0 9E $6 Hast week: (erica: you got to see so(e great li1e perfor(ances& Eou said good#ye to Bill 9ichardson after his perfor(ance of ?Guantana(era@ and >oe Hie#er(an)s rendition of ?>esus is >ust lright With 3e@ didn)t do it for you either& But we ha1e two wonderful contestants ready and rearing to perfor( li1e for you tonight& Theme music, Ryan walks over to another s"ot on the stage 9E $6 7cont&8 2ur first contestant spent an e,hausting week perfecting her routine with 'he Gussy "at !olls& 4he)s got claws and whiskers of her own- .illary 9odha( "linton-

3/18/2014 B .IHH 9E6 Eou know I)( running 7Eou know she)s running8 Eou know that I)( s(art 7Eou know she)s s(art8 But did you know whene1er I co(e around I (ake party start 74he (akes it start80 I gi1e (y speeches 74he gi1es her speeches8 I pay (y dues 74he pays her dues8 But all I really want is (y face ll o1er your e1ening news& !on)t you wish your president was hot like (e0 !on)t you wish 2#a(a was a freak like (e0 !on)t you0 !on)t you0 !on)t you wish >oe Biden got it on like (e0 !on)t you wish >ohn 5erry was a #londe like (e0 !on)t you0 !on)t you0 '%((AR) finishes with a big flourish. 9 $!E6 Eo dawg: that was=dawgG DH 6 It was kind of pitchy #ut it was really perfect hahahhaha4I32$6 4he)s #itchy not pitchy- 'hat was a#solutely dreadful& &ound of audience boos 4I32$6 7cont&8 Were you all listening to the sa(e perfor(ance I was0 .illary: you are all o1er the place ideologically& I don)t know what you stand for at all& re you a freak: are you a #londe: or are you president0 'hat outfit (akes you look short and gay&ound of a""lause 'illary heads over to talk to Ryan 9E $6 4o(e harsh words there fro( 4i(on "owell& .IH 9E6 It)s alright 9yan: I)( used to dealing with #ig e1il (en& .i BillA""lause 9E $6 4o: how did you feel a#out your perfor(ance tonight0 .IH 9E6 Well: I felt on (essage: on target: and on fire& (erica needs to know that

3/18/2014 8 (y hus#and is Bill "linton: and that I will stand up and #e heard& I think I showed the( that tonight9yan6 Well: if .illary is your ne,t !e(cratic Idol: call 1/800/I)( 3arried to Bill: that)s 1/800/I)( 3arried to Bill& "o(ing up on !e(ocratic Idol we ha1e our final contestant of the e1ening& %ind out who it is: after the #reak& 7long pause8 nd we are #ack HI<; on !e(ocratic IdolAmerican %dol theme song and a""lause Hadies and Gentle(en: we ha1e a 1ery special treat for you now& Hi1e and in person: singing an (erican "lassic: 3r& Barak 2#a(a2B 3 6 $ice $ice Ba#y 7,28 ll right stop: while I rock this election Ba(a)s here: call (e 3r& Gerfection $o one touches (e: cause I)( top dog "o(in at y)all like headlights through a thick fog Will I e1er win0 Eo: I don)t know: But I)( fresh and I)( clean: so let)s go'o the e,tre(e I rock the left like a ho(ie Eou see what you get cause no one gets to know (e& 4enator frontin like he don)t care .ead #ack to 3aui so all you fools can *ust stare& !eadly when I pass a dope #ill or law Ho1e (e or hate (e you won)t find no flaw 4o 1ote for Barak: the (an on his way& If you got a pro#le(: yo take care& "heck out (y #ook: the answer)s in there& $ice $ice Ba#y: I)( *ust a 9 $!E6 !awg dawg dawg dawg dawg dawg dawgG DH 6 I couldn)t understand a word you said: #ut you were on fire4I32$6 'hat was truly disgusting& Eou were co(pletely off (essage2B 3 6 I know: (y throat is a little hoarse fro( all of (y ca(paigning&

3/18/2014 K 4I32$6 I don)t want to hear it& 2B 3 6 I know I can do #etter& Het (e try it again4I32$6 I don)t want to hear another note: 3r& 2sa(a& 2B 3 6 sings 'hat)s 2#a(a with a B not 2sa(a with an 4 Lcause 2#a(a with a B goes Buh not 4sss/ 4I32$6 ;nough enough- 2ff you go9E $6 7ushering !*A+A over8 Barak: you see( to #e taking this kind of hard& 2B 3 6 Well: 9yan: it see(s to (e that in this ti(e of tur(oil in our nation: it)s i(portant to gi1e people a second chance& 'hat)s what (erica was #uilt on& 9E $6 4o you (ust #e really disappointed with your perfor(ance tonight 2B 3 6 !isappointed is the wrong word& I can ne1er #e disappointed when I)1e learned so(ething& 9yan6 If Barak 2sa(a 2#a(a6 7de,ected, whiney8 2#a(a 9yan6 2#a(a is your !e(ocratic Idol: call 1/800/I)( not 3usli(: that)s 1/800/I)( not 3usli(: "o(ing up on !e(ocratic idol: see what happens when people actually 1oteWeJll (eet our winner: after the #reak& 7long pause8 nd weJre #ack HI<;- Eour 1otes ha1e #een tallied: and your Idol has #een chosen& 'he winner #y popular 1ote and electoral count is&&&&&&&&&&&&& .illary "linton------

'illary starts crying, gives &imon a big hug, etc., sings -%t.s +y /arty0

3/18/2014 10 *t,s "y -arty ;1erything)s turning out *ust as I plannedI left nothing to chanceWith all ad1isors in toe I)( headed for the #ig danceIt)s (y party and I)ll run if I want to 9un if I want to 9un if I want to Eou would run too if they)d no(inate youI)( not afraid of #ig e1il (en I can stand tall on (y own 'he 1oters should ha1e no dou#t fter all I)1e seen #lown& It)s (y party and I)ll run if I want to 9un if I want to 9un if I want to Eou would run too if they)d no(inate you

Chec+ in .1

3/18/2014 11 5e1in6 nd that: in a nutshell: is what the (erican Golitical syste( is all a#out=e,cept for the 1oting& 'racey6 re you high0

shleigh6 7on cell "hone1 !addy- 5e1in is confusing (e again9eed6 Where did you get that re(ote0 5e1in6 It)s not i(portant& Guys: if you *ust/ 'racey6 ;nough of this crapola: 5e1in- Eou already (ade (e (iss (y 4pringer: I)( not skipping 4einfeld too'ubbub 'ubbub 5e1in6 Wait: guys=stop- Histen for a second: o&k&0 'hings are #ad out there& 9eally #ad& We need to (ake it #etter& 'his is really i(portant to (e=please gi1e it one (ore shot& /ause shleigh6 "an I (ake a contri#ution or so(ething0 I ha1e !addy)s credit card& 5e1in6 $o: shleigh: it)s not a#out (oney=there)s enough (oney=too (uch (oney& !o you know how (uch each presidential ca(paign costs in this election0 'racey6 !o you know how (uch '< I)( (issing right now: listening to you #la# on0 5e1in6 100 3illion !ollars9eed6 Wowshleigh6 100 (illion dollars0 9eed6 Wow5e1in6 'hat)s right: 100 (illion dollars& 9eed6 Wowshleigh6 !o you know how (any pairs of >i((y "hoo I could #uy with that0 9eed6 Wow-

3/18/2014 12 'racey6 9eed: is there so(ething wrong0 9eed6 I don)t know what he)s talking a#out: #ut it sounds like I should #e i(pressed& 5e1in6 $ot i(pressed: 9eed: depressed- It)s #ad- 4o please: let (e try again& 9eed6 Wow& 'racey6 %ine- 2ne (ore shot: 3r& 5now/it/all5e1in6 lright: so a#out those elections=

*deo o%y or /o *deo o%y

3/18/2014 13 2eal or 3o 2eal music "lays, if any, 4ohn +c$ain holds a metal briefcase with -'awk $onservative0 on it. Two more suitcases remain. .owie 3andel6 .ello: I)( .owie 3andel& 3r& "lean for the 21st "entury& 3y co(edy isn)t funny and neither is this show& Welco(e to Ideology or $o Ideology: the show where politicians choose the political ideology that will #est pander to their constituency: ena#ling the( to scrape together the 1otes they need without any (orals: ethics: or standards& ;ach politician gets to choose one suitcase fro( a wide range of political ideologies& 'hey are then gi1en an offer of electoral 1otes& 'he politician can then choose to stick to his guns or: (ore typically: pander to a fickle electorate and choose another ideology& We are here for the 10th day in a row with our contestant: 4enator >ohn 3c"ain: who has yet to stick with a single: definiti1e ideology& %or now: you)re clai(ing the .awk ideology: is that correct0 3c"ain6 Ees it is& .owie6 Why did you choose that ideology0 3c"ain6 Well: .oward: it)s +uite si(ple& s a retired officer and for(er G2W I #elie1e it is i(portant for us to support our troops and our co((ander in chief& .owie6 But isn)t that a dangerous Ideology to hold onto: considering the flagging support for the war0 3c"ain6 Ees: .oward: it is risky: #ut as a for(er G2W I)( a risk/taker& I)( known in the senate as a (a1erick: #ut I only take risks to support what I #elie1e in and I #elie1e that we need to see this war through/hone rings .owie6 5on "hone1 Ees=yes=alright=I see& 5'angs u" "hone1 I *ust got off the phone with 5atharine .arris and 5enneth Blackwell& 'hey are prepared to offer you 100 electoral 1otes& 3c"ain6 >ust 1000 But I)( a for(er G2W.owie6 >ust 100& 3c"ain6 'hat)s too low- What are (y re(aining choices0 .owie6 Eou threw out progressi1e: populist: and green as well as li#ertarian:

3/18/2014 14 prohi#itionist: and (oderate& Hooks like you)re left with either keeping your current hawk ideology: or trading it for either .ollywood Hi#eral or 9eligious 9ight& 3c"ain6 3y God: .owie: that)s a tough decision- I (ean: I)1e #een on the !aily 4how (any ti(es now- 'he young people lo1e (e- 'hey think I)( going to (ake it cool to #e 9epu#lican again& .owie6 tall order- It hasn)t #een cool to #e 9epu#lican since Hincoln freed the sla1es&

3c"ain6 I know- But if I choose the .ollywood Hi#eral ideology: I run the risk of losing all of the people I shook hands with >erry %alwell for.owie6 Was it worth it: really0 3c"ain6 What would you do: .owie0 .owie6 I couldn)t say& 3c"ain6 $o really: tell (e& .owie6 I)( not allowed: 4enator& 3c"ain6 %or the lo1e of God: .oward I)( desperate.owie6 Eou ha1e 10 seconds: 4enator- Ideology or no ideology0 3c"ain6 'here)s too (uch pressure=I)( picking=.awk Hi#eral=I (ean: 9eligious .awk=I (ean: 9ight Heft=I (ean: the 9eligious 9ight.owie6 'here you ha1e it folks- >ohn 3c"ain has taken an ideological stand- .e)s *oined hands with the (ultitudes who want to ignore the "onstitution and create a 'heocracy in its place- Het)s see what happens: now that the 4enator is 'alking in 'ongues& .ow (any electoral 1otes would he ha1e recei1ed if he had chosen the .ollywood Hi#eral ideology0 'ri,ie: open the case(ady o"ens case .owie6 113 guaranteed electoral 1otes: a 4piel#erg fundraiser: se, with Bar#ara 4treisand: and a lifeti(e supply of cocaine- 'oo #ad: 4enator& What a#out the .awk Ideology0 Ba(#i: open the case*ambi walks over to the case, takes it, walks back, o"ens it .owie6 3K ;lectoral 1otes: look like you didn)t (iss out on (uch there: 4enator& 3c"ain6 Hike I always said: .oward: this war is pointless and we need to #ring our

3/18/2014 1F troops ho(e right away.owie6 2f course: now: let)s take a look at the case you)1e chosen& & 2pen up your case: 4enator: let)s see what your ideology holds in store& +c$ain o"ens the case 43F electoral 1otes- 4enator 3c"ain: looks like you)1e won the election3c"ain6 Woo/hoo.owie6 "ongratulations- Because of all of your pandering: you were a#le to s+ueeAe a 1ictory out of a co(pletely alienated electorate& 3c"ain6 I)( an independent thinker.owie6 'ell that to all of the special interests who helped elect you- 'hey want fa1orsEou pro(ised the $ational ssociation of 9eligious Broadcasters that you would o1erturn 9oe <& Wade& 3c"ain6 I don)t re(e(#er that.owie6 Because you didn)t stick to your guns: your ad(inistration is doo(ed to i(potence for your entire ter(& 3c"ain6 But I)( a 3a1erick.owie6 4ure you are='hat)s all the ti(e we ha1e on Ideology or/ 3c"ain6 I lo1e you >on 4tewart.owie6 $o Ideology& 3c"ain6 "all (e- Het)s do another inter1iew& .owie6 'une in ne,t week when our contestant is 3itt 9o(ney-

3/18/2014 1I Se%&e$ 0enneb&n+ 1&shbi ies <&2&6 "o(ing soon to .B2: a new '< show fro( the creators of !eadwood and 'he 4opranos& 'he 5enne#unk Bush#illies "o(e listen to (y story #out a (an na(ed >e#: 'he Governor of Florida: a good ol) >ohnny 9e#& But then #rother George got the country in a funk: 4o he went to talk to Daddy in the town of 5ennebunk 7=Gort: that is///fancy yachts: lo#ster tails8 Well the first thing you know: ol) Jeb ain)t gonna run 'he kinfolk said: ?George isnt ha1ing fun-@ .e said ?'allahassee is the place I oughtta #e: ?Eou can have your Goto(ac: I)ll #e staying #y the sea-@ 7?"ari##een:@ that isMfancy digs: hurricanes8 '.; 5;$$;BD$5 BD4.BIHHI;47fast #an*o #reak8 It)s never ti(e to say good#ye to Jeb and all his kin& 'hey)ll skip a generation: oh: #ut theyll #e #ack again& We suffered under Dubya: #ut we)re too +uick to forget: nd we)re sure to see (ore Bushes: you can make no safer betE)all take co1er nowMthey)ll #e #ack: ya hear0

3/18/2014 1B Rea Wor d /e2 3r eans 5+TV# Real World 3ew !rleans, 67+A heads stuck in a house, no music, +ichael $hertoff, *ush 2aughter, +ichael *rown, Ray 3agin1 <&2&6 7$ GI$8 'his is a true story 7B92W$8 'rue story 7".;9'2%%8 of four different people: 7B B48 picked to li1e in a %;3 trailer: 7B92W$8 work together 7 HH %2D98 and ha1e their li1es taped& 7$ GI$8'o see what happens when people stop #eing political 7 HH %2D98 and start #eing real& 'he 9eal World 7B92W$8 7sounds like /innochio 8nderwater1 $ew 2rleans& Testemonial !ne, *ush 2aughter B B4 BD4. 7daughter86 71alley girl with 3ardi Gras #eads: chewing gu(: (ay#e a 40 in hand8 4o: !addy and (u((sy pushed (y application through for this thing& I totally don)t know why=I (ean >enna: (y sister: the ?s(art one@ would ha1e #een so (uch #etter at this& I so don)t want to #e here& I (ean: no parades0 $o #ars0 nd all of those ?(inorities@0 3u((sy says it will #e good for (e to (eet so(e of those ?#lue people@ as she calls the(: #ut I can)t understand a word that 9ay $agin says: he)s so ghetto=no offense& &cene 9 E6 Ba#s: dear: could you hand (e so(e (ore housing for(s0 We ha1e +uite a large crowd at the %;3 office& 3any needy people deser1e our help today& Het)s go (ake so(e change& B B46 7screams8 !on)t ro# (e9 E6 ;,cuse (e0 B92W$6 I did a heck of a *o#-

3/18/2014 18 B B46 I)( trained in self/defense& I know 'ae/Bo& ".;9'2%%6 'ae/Bo is for physical fitness: not self/defense: Ba#s& $hertoff gets on the tele"hone 9 E6 What are you talking a#out0 B B46 Eou don)t want (y (oney0 ".;9'2%%6 .ello: this 3ichael "hertoff for the Gresident& Ees: I)ll hold& 9 E6 $o: I need you to work with (eB B46 Work0 What)s that0 9 E6 I want you to work with (e to help the thousands of people stranded throughout the city& 'he Kth ward is in dire need& B B46 Wow: I didn)t know your people cared so (uch& 9 E6 What-00- We are in a state of e(ergency& 7Ray.s bee"er goes off8 I don)t ha1e ti(e to e,plain this to you- 'he hospital needs power- .and (e the phone: 3r& "hertoff& ".;9'2%%6 I)( on hold with the White .ouse: 3r& $agin& 9 E6 I don)t care who you)re on the phone withB B46 3r& $agin: he)s tryin) to talk to (y !addy& It)s real i(portant& 9 E6 What could #e (ore i(portant than restoring power to a hospital".;9'2%%6 3r& Gresident0 Ees: this is 3r& "hertoff& >ust wanted to let you know that your helicopter ride o1er $ew 2rleans is all set& What0 Ees=I)ll #e on the roof to wa1e& Ray.s bee"er goes off again 9 E6 Gi1e (e the phone3agin and $hertoff struggle. ".;9'2%%6 4ee what you)1e done0 It)s disconnected now& 9 E6 Good-

3/18/2014 1K ".;9'2%%6 Good0 9 E6 Eou all need to head down with (e to the %;3 office- We were supposed to open 2 hours agoB92W$6 I did a heck of a *o#".;9'2%%6 Ees you didB B46 I)ll #e down to help after (y (anicure: 3r& $agin& 9 E6 Eou don)t need to ha1e a (anicure to pass out for(s and help people- What is wrong with all of you".;9'2%%6 Brownie and I are going waterskiing fro( 3o#ile to Baton 9ouge9 E6 2h no you)re not".;9'2%%6 2h yes we are- 4o(e#ody has to put these e(ergency credit cards to good use: and it (ight as well #e (e9 E6 Eou0 Eou aren)t in need- Eour house isn)t underwater".;9'2%%6 4ure it is- Brownie #ought (e a su#(arine to li1e on- 9ight in the (iddle of lake Gonchetrain9 E6 What0 What is wrong with all of you0 Why won)t you help (e- Why is no#ody helping (e*ee"er goes off again, Ray exits B B46 .e)s so dealing drugs& I think I lo1e hi(& B92W$6 I did a heck of a *o#& 9 E6 in a se"arate area City of the Risin% F ood le1y #roke in $ew 2rleans nd caused a rising flood& It)s #een the ruin of (any a poor ho(e nd (ine: I know: is one& 3ine: I know: is one&

3/18/2014 20 When W flew a#o1e the scene nd 4ean Genn rowed a #oat I was stuck in the 4uperdo(e 4urrounded #y a (oat 4urrounded #y a (oat 4o: if you co(e to $ew 2rleans !on)t do what I ha1e done& 5eep (o1in) on to Baton 9ouge way fro( the rising flood way fro( the rising flood& 7B92W$86 'une in ne,t week for (ore of 9eal World 7underwater8 $ew 2rleans

3/18/2014 21 Sa y Str&thers Commercia Se%&e4525$600 7ome ess 4ally6 .ello: I)( 4ally 4truthers& With all of the changes in the Bush ad(inistration: (any ca#inet (e(#ers and other for(er high ranking officials find the(sel1es out of work& 'his is (y friend .arriet& 2ne (inute she was gi1ing the president #ack ru#s and sponge #aths: now she)s shacked up with ri %leischer in a card#oard #o,.undreds of thousands share the sa(e fate as .arriet: #ut now there)s a way to help the(& %eed the 9epu#licans #rings relief and solace to people like .arriet: and now you can too& %or *ust one dollar a day: the price of a cup of coffee: you can gi1e the( a cup of coffee- $ot 4tar#ucks: though=and a s(all coffee& $o crea(& >ust call 1/800/ "ru(#ling d(inistration now& $ot only will you (ake a difference: #ut you will also recei1e a picture of your 9epu#lican and a personal letter of thanks *ust like this one& Reads letter !ear 3r& and 3rs& >ones: thank you so (uch for the cup of coffee& It really kept (e awake the whole day while I searched for food and shelter& 4incerely: >ohn shcroft& We can)t do it alone& We need your help& "all nowSeasons of 7&n%er ll6 F2F:I00 .o(eless F2F:000 *ust on one street F2F:I00 ho(eless Hooking for so(ething: so(ething to eat In trashcans 2n sidewalks %ro( strangers 2r (ay#e roadkill #agel pigeon 2r go1ern(ent cheese: there)s F2F:I00 ho(eless nd they can do whate1er they please Go get a *o#Go get a *o#Go get a *o#-

3/18/2014 22 We got a *o#(enial *o#(enial *o#-

3/18/2014 23 Coo+in% Sho2 8 /ancy -e osi,s !ivin% 53ancy /elosi a""ears in an a"ron, very 2onna Reed1 $ $"E6 Welco(e to another edition of $ancy Gelosi)s Hi1ing& I)( your host: 4peaker Gelosi& 'hank you: 'hank you& 2n today)s edition I will personally teach you how to throw a s(all inti(ate dinner party for 43FN all while transfor(ing your staunchy old .ouse into a new .ouse that)s lo1ely: light: and li#eral& D#C3R(T*/) S#)"#/T' Eou (ay #e wondering to yourself: $ancy: now that you)re 4peaker: what are you going to do with that #ig ol) .ouse& Well: I)( glad I asked& When I repossessed the .ouse: the first thing I noticed was how poorly decorated a roo( our stuffy old forefathers had designed& "learly: there was no thought on how a wo(an)s touch could finesse the .alls of "ongress& 7A subtle aside to the camera1 4urely !olly 3adison had so(e s(art ideas that fell on deaf ears& 3y first task was a dooAey: #ut I: 4peaker $ancy Gelosi: the first wo(an 4peaker of the .ouse O and second in line to the Gresidency / ha1e ne1er shied away fro( a challenge& Because if a (an can do it first: then a wo(an can do it #etter;1eryone knows when you ha1e a task that appears too #ig: the si(plest thing to do to affect change is to di1ide the task in half& 5&he "ulls out a blue"rint clearly showing how the Re"ublican will be banished behind a wall8& 'he first thing I did was to create a di1ider (ade of plywood: drywall: and a nice la1ender potpourri& 2nce the wall was constructed and the 9epu#licans were segregated to the where they #elong: I decoupaged the walls with a 5getting carried away8 B9IHHI $' G2W;9, 5catching herself8 I (ean $eutral Gowder Blue: and stenciled a tri( in #oth 9oyal and $a1y& C330*/) S#)"#/T' $ow: if you)ll follow (e into the kitchen: I will show you (y fa(ous ?First 100 "lo1es of Garlic@ "hicken& It)s truly scru(ptious and yields enough to ser1e li#eral portions& 9e(e(#er any #rand of 2rganic "hicken will work& But stay away fro( purchasing pre/ stuffed BD4';9 #rand "hicken& Because when you fill a BD4';9: you)re *ust wasting ti(e& 7A bell tinkles or an egg timer goes off1 .appy .o(e(aker 'ip of the !ay6 It)s i(portant to ser1e a well #alanced (eal on a well #alanced #udget& nd when ser1ing your (ain course: re(e(#er to always ser1e fro( the Heft: and 9e(o1e the 9ight& CR(FTS S#)#"#/T %inally: when hosting a .ouse of 43F: it)s i(portant to ha1e e1erything (apped out ahead of ti(e& seating chart is a (ustN and to show you *ust how si(ple it can #e: I ha1e single/handedly hand/crafted hand/written placards to hand to all (y guests& Inside these delicately wrapped recycled paper scrolls is a new piece of legislature personally written in calligraphy #y yours truly& I ha1e wrapped a yellow ri##on

3/18/2014 24 around each oakwood scroll to sy(#oliAe (y patriotis( in a passi1e/aggressi1e display of non/1iolence& nd that)s a Good 'hing& I %2D$! 3E '.9IHH 2$ " GI'2H .IHH 2$ " GI'2H .IHH W.;9; I)3 '.; $;W ".I;% I)HH G 44 3E BIHH 2$ " GI'2H .IHH I)3 !9;44;! '2 5IHH& $2W !2$)' GI<; 3; G9I;% E2D)HH 5$2W .2W '2 %I$! 3; '.;9; '.;9; I4 $2 !I4GD'; I)3 I$ !;4IG$;9 D$!;9W; 9 $! 4H;;5 G2W;9 4DI' I)HH .2$; 3E 45IHH: 2$ " GI'2H .IHH I 3; $ $2 IHH WIHH: '2 '.; 9;! $29 '.; BHD; I 3IG.' 4;;3 4.9IHH: 2$ " G'I2H .IHH BD' I)HH 4' E D$'IH '.; G9;P I4 BH "5 29 >;W

*nfomercia 4 Troop S&r%e$ !obbyists$ 9Withdra2a De ay Cream:$ 7osted by "onica !e2ins+y$ -& in% o&t is 7ard to Do

3/18/2014 2F $heesy 9:.s trum"et line <&2&6 nd now: ladies and gentle(an: 9o(co: the (akers of ?$o/#id contract@: ?$o/#id contract lite@: and ?Gaper 3achier .u(1ee@ present 'he .our of 4urge Gower+onica comes out. 32$I" 6 .ello: hello: hellohost: 3onica Hewinsky$anned a""lause re your troop le1els not what they once were0 !o you find yourself (i,ed up in what is essentially a ci1il war: #ut can)t ad(it it to yourself0 Well: fret not: #ecause 9o(co: the (akers of ?$o/#id contract@ and ?$o/#id contract lite@ ha1e *ust the thing for you& It)s 3onica Hewinsky)s Withdrawal !elay "rea(& Eou *ust apply a generous a(ount of Withdrawal !elay "rea( to the affected area: and look out: your 4unni 'riangle has F0C (ore troops in it: *ust like that& I know you (ust #e saying to yourself ?3onica: how does it work0@ Well: the secret to the success of 3onica Hewinsky)s Withdrawal !elay "rea( is its lack of transparency$o#ody can see how it works: so it works like a char( 7wink smile8& 2rdinarily a troop surge of this siAe would cost you at least Q300 Billion dollars: #ut with 3onica HewinskyJs withdrawal delay crea( it can #e yours for the low low price of Q100 #illion dollars down: and Q14F #illion to pay in 2008& ct now and recei1e a non/#inding resolution fro( "ongress for %ree: that)s right: a non/ #inding resolution fro( "ongress: nor(ally a 1&28 trillion dollar 1alue: yours for nothing& s an added #onus: the first 10 callers will also recei1e 'ide 4tain ;raser=*ust #ecause I ha1e a #unch e,tra at ho(e& "all now- 2perators are standing #y& nd re(e(#er6 -& in% 3&t is 7ard To Do "o((a "o((a no doo#ie do oh wait "o((a co((a yes no no no oh wait "o((a co((a stop no no go oh wait Gulling out is hard to do 'he desert sun Beats down on you nd the heat)s >ust too (uch: it)s true If you withdraw 'hen they)ll #e #lue "ause pullin out is hard to do& nd welco(e to the 'he .our of 4urge Gower- I)( your

3/18/2014 2I 9e(e(#er when Eou won each fight: nd (anned your station ll through the night& 'hink of all 'hat)s left to do "ause pullin out is hard to do& 'hey say that pullin out Is hard to do& nd you know: you know 'hat it)s true !on)t say that this is the end Instead of pullin out I wish that you were pushin through again& Histen to (e: I tell you true: 'here)s still a lot you ha1e to do: 3y oil derricks long for you: 4o pullin out is hard to do& Histen to (e: !on)t say good/#ye 3y 3iddle ;ast deser1es another try& #igger gun could help you too: "ause pullin out is hard to do-

Crime Drama4 !a2 and 3rder -;/-<;4 <a erie - ame Case

3/18/2014 2B <&2&6 %ro( the producers of Haw and 2rder: Haw and 2rder: Haw and 2rder: and Haw and 2rder: co(es a new show a#out Haw=and 2rder& (aw and !rder music &tab <&2&6 72ifferent voice8 In the political *ustice syste(: there are those who #reak the rules: those they fra(e for #reaking the rules: and those who (ake (oney selling #ooks a#out those who #reak the rules& 'hese are their stories& /lacard -&ecure 2ocument 2is"osal &ervice, + &treet, Washington 2.$.0 4udy and &cooter enter. &cooter is kee"ing a document from her 4"22';9 $o: you ha1e to say the (agic word>D!E I)1e said please e1ery way I know how to: 3r& Hi##y4"22';9 'hat)s not the (agic word: 3s& 3iller& >D!E What)s the (agic word: then0 4"22';9 'he really really (agic word0 >D!E 'he really really (agic word&cooter leans over to whis"er in 4udy.s ear >D!E cont)d I can)t say that: 3r& Hi##y- I)( an adult- Eou)re an adult4"22';9 %ine& .a1e it your way& &cooter begins to tear the memo >D!E $o4"22';9 Eou)re doing this to yourself-

3/18/2014 28 >D!E6 ll right- Glease: (ay I see the (e(o=4cooter0

ll right-

4"22';9 222. 222. 222.--- 4ay it again- 4ay it again>D!E6 3r& Hi##y: I/ 4"22';9 4ay it>D!E 4cooter=scooter- 4"222';9---They get more and more excited 4"22';9 2key dokes: here you go/lacard, -!ffice of 4udy +iller, 3ew )ork Times, Washington 2.$. *ureau0 Goren6 4o: 3s& 3iller: e,plain this to (e like I)( 3& >udy6 'here)s nothing to e,plain: really: I was ha1ing dinner with 3r& I& Hewis Hi##ey& Goren6 What does the I stand for0 >udy6 I)( not sure: actually=Ir1ing I think0 Goren6 .ow do you generally refer to 3r& Hi##ey0 >udy6 What do you (ean0 Goren6 I (ean: if you were going to call hi( on the phone: or introduce hi( to a friend= >udy6 I don)t understand the +uestion& Goren6 !on)t play du(# with (e: 3s& 3iller>udy6 Eou can)t inti(idate (e: copper& I)( a *ournalist for the $ew Eork 'i(es& I operate under the highest degree of *ournalistic integrity known to (anGoren6 !oesn)t he (ake you call hi( 4cooter0

3/18/2014 2K &ilence, 4udy breaks down sobbing Goren6 nswer the +uestion: 3s& 3iller& Why would a grown (an go #y 4cooter- What could possi#ly possess so(eone o1er the age of 10 to willingly #e called 4cooter #y his peers0 /lacard -;rand 4ury Room 3umber <=>:?, Washington 2.$.0 3s& Hawyer6 3r& Hi##y& 4cooter6 3r& Hi##y is dead- I a( 4cooterHawyer6 .uh0 4cooter6 Glease: *ust call (e 4cooter& It (akes (e so happyHawyer6 2&k&: 4cooter: did you tell 9o#ert $o1ak: >udy 3iller: 3att "ooper: 'i( 9ussert: and anyone else you could find the identity of one 3s& <alerie Gla(e nee Wilson0 4cooter6 I don)t re(e(#er& Hawyer6 Eou don)t re(e(#er0 !o you re(e(#er a (e(o fro( >une 10th 20030 4cooter6 3s& Generic Hawyer Hady: I see a lot of (e(os in the course of (y work day& Hawyer6 But this was one that had #een circulated on ir %orce 2ne& 'his one was seen #y a #unch of people who are (uch (ore i(portant than you& #unch of people who we)re not prosecuting for so(e unknown reason4cooter6 4o0 Hawyer6 4o: 3r& I& Hewis 4cooter Hi##y: author of ?'he pprentice6 $o1el@: did you leak the infor(ation in that (e(o and then shred it to co1er your tracks0 4cooter6 Ees: yes: yes--- I confess: I did it: #ut only #ecause=#ecause= Hawyer6 Because why: 4cooter0 4cooter6 222. 222. 222.- 4ay it one (ore ti(eHawyer6 Because why: 4cooter0 4cooter6 sung G.2$; " HH4

3/18/2014 30 HH H2$; I$ 3E 2%%I"; I ' 5; $2';4 HI5; I)3 L4G24;! '2 BD' '.;E G;' '.92W$ W E '.;$ I$!I"'3;$'4: GG; H4 $! I)3 B "5 I$ '.; "2D9' '.2DG. W. ' %29 I WIHH $;<;9 5$2W 3;329I;4: '.;E 5;;G 45I$G %29 3;329I;4 I . <; $2$; I " $ GI<; '.;3 2% '.I4 W23 $ $ 3;! GH 3; I)<; %;;HI$G '. ' I)3 B;I$G .D$G 2D' '2 !9E B;" D4; I 2$"; $ 3;! $ 3; B;" D4; I 2$"; $ 3;! $ 3;-

Chec+4in Scene .2

3/18/2014 31 5e1in6 !oes it all (ake sense now0 shleigh6 I guess= 9eed6 Where did you get that re(ote0 'racey6 2f course it does: 4tephen .awking=I)( so glad you decided to clear the whole (ess up for us& Wow=e1erything (akes so (uch senseshleigh6 It)s so hopeless--'racey6 .ow are we supposed to change things0 It looks like they)re too (essed up to fi,& 9eed6 $ow: what)s with the attitude: guys0 I (ean: when Washington freed the sla1es at Gettys#urg: did he gi1e up0 When 9oose1elt wrote the e(ancipation declaration: did he gi1e up0 When 3agellan circu(cised the world with a 20 foot clipper: did he gi1e up0 5e1in6 Eou know: you look like a nor(al hu(an #eing: #ut so(eti(es= shleigh6 I think what 9eed is trying to say is that when things looked the worst in our history is when great people did their #est'racey6 Great- $ow she)s in on it too- Why won)t you people let (e watch (y shows0 shleigh6 Eou people0 What does that (ean0 'racey6 $othing& 5e1in- 4how us so(e (ore9eed6 Eeah5e1in6 lright: #ut it)s not going to get any prettier-

9eed6 'ry (e- I can take it-

Sin%4( on% 2ith )eor%e W=

3/18/2014 32 ;7!R;7 W. 7nters, singing the first verse of -'ome on the Range0. 'e takes off his sweater, "uts on some sli""ers, combs his hair, brushes his teeth, etc. Son% C&e' 7ome on the Ran%e G;29G;6 2h gi1e (e a ho(e Where no li#erals roa( nd the folks all think the sa(e way& Where each house has a gun: #ig cali#er one: nd the strangers are told ?(ake (y day&@ If they)d let (e play nd (ake "ongress go away: 'he agenda that I would put through& ;ach grade through the eighth Would #e taught #ased on faith With the children all praying on cue& .o(e: ho(e on the range: Where the #eer and the cantaloupe lay: Where seldo( is heard three sylla#le word nd if so: then it)s one I can say& G;29G;6 Why howdy there: #oys and girlsB2E4 and GI9H46 7timid8 .owdy 3r& Gresident& G;29G;6 I)( sorry=I can)t hear what you)re sayin)& B2E4 and GI9H46 7a little louder8 .owdy 3r& Gresident& G;29G;6 Was that a greetin or a non/#inding resolution0 B2E4 and GI9H46 7yelling8

3/18/2014 33 .2W!E 39& G9;4I!;$'G;29G;6 Goodness (e: there you are- I thought you had all disappeared like (y appro1al rating 7laughs at his own ,oke@only one who does8 HI''H; GI9H6 I don)t get it= G;29G;6 Good: Lcause you)re not supposed to ?get it&@ Eou)re supposed to sing along with (e: so what do you say we get to so(e singin)0 B2E4and GI9H46 7timid8 Eeah& Guess so& !o I ha1e to0 G;29G;6 I can)t hear youB2E4 and GI9H46 4ure& Why not0 $othin) #etter to do& G;29G;6 2ne (ore ti(e or y)all are grounded in Guantana(oB2E4 and GI9H46 E; .G;29G;6 'here you are: I thought you had disappeared like the W3!)sHI''H; B2E6 Is that a *oke0 G;29G;6 Boys and girls: so(eti(es when I)( feelin) #lue=I (ean less red than usual: I think a#out the good ol) days& E)all are too young to re(e(#er: #ut there was a ti(e when I wasn)t the decider& $hildren in shock one starts crying, maybe for mommy

3/18/2014 34 $o: I know: it)s all right& It won)t #e like that again for a long long long long long long long long ti(e& But #efore I was the Gresident: Bill "linton was the president& $hildren hiss I know: I know: ;1il Bill hurt us real #ad: and I had to inherit all of his (istakes: which has #een really tough on your Dncle Georgie: so when I get to feelin) down on (yself: I sing this little ditty to cheer up& C inton is to 1 ame43 Whate1er)s wrong with this cruel world Bill "linton is to #la(e/o It)s Bill "linton)s fault: It)s Bill "linton)s fault: 'heft: (urder: or assault Bill "linton is to #la(e/o 7Bill "linton is to #la(e/o8 When >ulius "aesar got the knife Bill "linton was to #la(e/o tilla sacked old 9o(e !israeli wasn)t ho(e 2rphan nnie lost her co(# Bill "linton was to #la(e/o 7Bill "linton is to #la(e/o8 third of (ankind got the Glague nd "linton was to #la(e/o Wars and pestilence %rankenstein)s e,peri(ents "hewing gu( went up ten cents nd "linton is to #la(e/o 7Bill "linton is to #la(e/o8 n earth+uake rocked the %risco Bay Bill "linton was to #la(e/o Ha1a destroyed Go(pei 'idal wa1es washed towns away 3y car had a flat today Bill "linton was to #la(e/o 7Bill "linton is to #la(e/o8 'he econo(ic outlook)s #ad nd "linton is to #la(e/o 4o what if he did swell I won)t say and you won)t tell& 4o let)s go and yell 'hat "linton is to #la(e/o 7Bill "linton is to #la(e/o8 Who cares what is really true0

3/18/2014 3F Bill "linton is to #la(e/o Eell: screa(: spit: and cuss Go kick up a fuss s long as it)s not us Bill "linton is to #la(e/o $hildren a""laud Boys and Girls: do you wanna hear a scary story0 ".IH!9;$6 7timid8 Eeah& G;29G;6 $ot again& 4ay it like you (ean it& ".IH!9;$6 7less timid8 Eeah& G;29G;6 7through clenched teeth8 I)ll sick 5arl 9o1e on you: he)s a desperate (an".IH!9;$6 E; .G;29G;6 Well: once upon a ti(e: there were two superpowers: can you say superpower0 2nd Girl6 Gooper power& G;29G;6 "lose enough& Well: one superpower #eat the other superpower in a ga(e of newcuelar one/upping/ship& Hittle Boy6 What)s one/upping/ship& G;29G;6 It)s when we won: alright0 $'%(2R73 $elebrate G;29G;6 4o you know what we did then0 We ga1e weapons to a #unch of people who now want to kill us& nd then: there were no #ad guys left&

3/18/2014 3I Hittle Girl6 Why would we do that0 (>is of #vi & 4ince the fall of the Berlin Wall 'here is (uch uphea1al We need a new ene(y to pursue ,is of e1il& B& I can)t find 2sa(a and I need a short reprie1e/il I still can point (y finger at6 ,is of ;1il& ;cuador and Aer#ai*an Gerhaps the .oly 4ee/1il nyone to throw off the press ,is of e1il& B& Hithuania is our friend 4o is 'ennessee/1il 7But8 3assachusetts soon will *oin 7the8 ,is of ;1il$hildren A""laud G;29G;6 $ow: Boys and Girls: I)1e got to #e getting #ack: #ut #efore I go retrograding down the ol) highway: let)s re1iew what I taught you last week& What)s our cornerstone& HI''H; B2E6 Hower ta,esG;29G;6 9ight: and why do we lower ta,es0 HI''H; GI9H6 4o we can #uy (ore stuff-

3/18/2014 3B G;29G;6 $ow s(artify itHI''H; GI9H6 'o sti(utiAe the econo(y and de#urden #usinessG;29G;6 $ow: how do we further disencu(#er the sti(utiAed #usinesses& Hittle Boy6 By paying for national security and education0 G;29G;6 E;4- nd how do we e,trudicate re(unerati1e functionality in this instance0 Hittle Boy and Girl6 With 'a,es--2nd Girl6 I don)t get itHH 7e,cept 2nd Girl86 Wha0 2nd Girl6 'hat doesn)t (ake any sense& G;29G;6 Hook at it like this6 4ay I)( the go1ern(ent& 2nd Girl6 I)( the go1ern(ent& G;29G;6 $o: I)( the go1ern(ent& Gretend I)( the go1ern(ent& 2nd Girl6 Eou do all the ti(e& G;29G;6 I owe "hina 4 apples: right0 'hen: I need two (ore apples to (ake sure no child gets left #ehind& $ow: the ta,payers gi1e (e three apples& I gi1e one to education and two go to "hina/roud of himself 'hat)s how we get things done in Washington-

3/18/2014 38 2nd Girl6 But&&&four=and two=and G;29G;6 What are you doin0 2nd Girl6 "ounting& G;29G;6 We don)t count here& "ounting is what terrists do& re you a terrist0

2nd Girl6 $o- I)( not a terrorist 3r& Gresident- I)( a s(art girl and you)re not (aking any sense#conomic 1oo41oo Is this a plan0 Bush ad(inistration #oo/#oo& What)s it this ti(e0 4e1en cents for a di(e& We can)t afford 'o get oursel1es in deeper doo/doo& 'his is not the way 4o what does George say0 .e says6 Eou start #y adding two and two and co(e up with si,'he #oys at rthur nderson ha1e taught (e so(e tricks& 'he wealthy get co(passion: 'he less well off can ration& 'ightening your #elt this year will #e in fashion3y detractors say that all I wanted was war& 7oh yeah-8 'raitors in the populace still pine for l Gore& 7 h8 But I)( Gresidential 'hat)s what is essential& I don)t see how anyone could want for (ore-

ta, cutting plan 3ade of econo(ic 1oo/doo Won)t put us #ack

3/18/2014 3K 'o when we were in the #lack& We need a plan 7'ry (y plan8 'hat faces up to the reality 7Ea gotta listen to (e-8 'hat a deficit)s no surplus nd that adding one and one don)t (ake three& 7!ance #reak8 ta, cutting plan 3ade of econo(ic 1oo/doo 7;cono(ic 1oodoo8 Won)t put us #ack 7oh yeah8 'o when we were in the #lack 7"o(e on and get on #oard8 We need a plan 'hat faces up to the reality 7Why can)t you see08 'hat a deficit)s no surplus nd that adding one and one don)t (ake three& Wooo/woo ;cono(ic #oo/#oo Wooo/woo we are in deep doo/doo Wooo/woo ;cono(ic #oo/#oo ;cono(ic #oo/#oo-

Soap 3pera 4 Te em&ndo <&2&6 Hike the #ricks of a Hego set: these are ?'he Walls of 2ur Hi1es&@ 4ince we last

3/18/2014 40 saw our long suffering Gaco and >uanita: their li1es ha1e #een torn asunder as ;l Gresidente took all of the .o(eland 4ecurity (oney away fro( high risk areas like $ew Eork "ity and funneled it to places like 2(aha and: his fa1orite pro*ect: a wall in the (iddle of the desert=a B00 (ile long wall on a 2000 (ile long #order& We see ;eorge with a whi" and a &afari 'at, /aco and 4uanita, sweaty, sultry, build the wall. They are on o""osite sides. &o close@ >D $I' 6 Gaco: oh: paco: with each #rick that we lay: our lo1e is torn asunderG "26 ;ach #rick is like a nail in the coffin of our lo1eG;29G;6 Gaco- "o((e you here/o: uno (o(ento por fa1or& G "26 2ne solitary (o(ent: (y dearest: and I)ll return to you& /aco comes over G "26 4i: senor0 G;29G;6 Eo no soy (arinero: la #a(#aG "26 4i: senor& /aco returns >uanita6 What did ;l Gresidente want0 Gaco6 I do not know: (y lo1e& ;l Gresidente says the strangest things to (e& I can ne1er understand what he says& Why do we listen to leaders who (ake no sense0 Why do we #uild B00 (ile walls along 2000 (ile #orders0 >uanita6 2h Gaco: Gaco: Gaco- Why (ust this wall co(e #etween us- s the distance #etween us grows: so (y heart withers: as the #a#y #ird fallen fro( the nest with its (other nowhere to #e foundGaco6 2h: (y lo1e: I long for your touch& >uanita6 9a1ish (e: ra1ish (e now on this wall: you stallion& 4ust as they.re about to get busy G;29G;6 7clears throat8 Gaco-&&&Gaco-&&&Green cardG "26 3y lo1e: I (ust go to hi(& >D $I' 6 $o: no: no---- !on)t lea1e (e- !on)t lea1e (e: Gaco-

3/18/2014 41 G "26 I (ust/aco goes to ;eorge G "26 4i 4enior0 G;29G;6 Gaco: el pollo loco: !oritos: 'aco Bell: +ui& G "26 I can speak ;nglish fluently: if you prefer: senor& G;29G;6 !a((it Gaco: yo estoy speakin 3e,icanG "26 I undersand sir& G;29G;6 G "2---- Eou/o cannot do/ay the el nasty on (y wall/o& G "26 But surely: 3r& Gresident: you are a (an: *ust as I a( a (an& nd you know the secret power that our wo(en hold o1er us& 3y wife: she #uilds and #uilds: soon we will #e fore1er apart& G;29G;6 I know e,actly what you (ean: Gaco& 2nce: Haura and I were on 1acation at !isneyland: and she wanted to go to 'o(orrow Hand and I wanted to stay in %antasy Hand/ G "26 ;so es e1idente7'hat is apparent&8 G;29G;6 4he went to ride 4pace 3ountain and I stayed on !u(#o: #ut when I went to find her at 4leepin) Beauty)s castle like we said we would: she wasn)t there- I had to wait 1F whole (inutesG "26 I (ust go to (y wifeG;29G;6 !a((it: Gaco- We need this wall- We need people and 3e,icans to #uild this wall& G "26 Get (ericans to #uild your wall for youG;29G;6 (ericans no #uild/o el wall: Gaco& (ericans work/o for 'oyota/o and .onda/o& I((igrantes Illegales work/o for (e/o& G "26 $ot since your wall trapped the( all in 3e,ico& G;29G;6 Wait: I ha1e it: Gaco: el idea/o por #uilding el/wall gigante-

3/18/2014 42 G "26 I can)t wait to hear this one& G;29G;6 Get (e all of the nannies e(ployed #y "ongress& 'hat should do the trick& G "26 4o I can go #ack to >uanita0 G;29G;6 I don)t care where you go: Gaco: *ust so long as you don)t try to en*oy the sa(e #enefits and freedo(s (y ancestors en*oyed when they ca(e to (erica/aco runs to 4uanita G "26 >uanita: I a( yours: I ha1e co(e ho(e& >D $I' 6 $o: Gaco: I no longer lo1e you& G "26 >uanita>D $I' 6 3y lo1e: *ust as this wall: #elongs to another- ;l GresidenteG;29G;6 3e0 G "26 .e0 >D $I' 6 4i- "o(e #e with (e in 3e,ico- 2ur president isn)t duly elected eitherG;29G;6 Eou (ean: lea1e the D&4=lea1e Haura: and !ick: and 5arl: and= 3o((y000 >D $I' 6 4iG "26 >uanita<&2&6 Will >uanita lea1e Gaco0 Will ;l Gresidente find his way to another country0 Will a B00 (ile wall o1er a 2000 (ile #order that re(ains unfunded #y "ongress (ake any difference in the war on terror0 Will the (inute(en get a life0 'une in to(orrow for the ne,t chapter in ?'he Walls of 2ur Hi1es@

Stran%ers on the Ri%ht ?Commercia @ 9;;!6

3/18/2014 43 sung 4'9 $G;94 2$ '.; 9IG.' I$< !I$G "2$G9;44 4'9 $G;94 2$ '.; 9IG.' I3G;!I$G G92G9;44 '.;E)HH GD' DG %IG.' '2 G9;4I!;$'4 HI5; E2D &"oken .ello: I)( a fa(ous .ollywood ctor& I)( not a 9epu#lican: #ut I play one on '<& Is your legislati1e #ody re*ecting legislation it once passed freely0 Is your 1eto power threatened or e1en co(pletely #locked0 Eou (ay #e suffering fro( Gre(ature Ha(e !uck !isorder& 2nly a short ti(e ago: presidents who suffered GH!! had nowhere to turn: #ut now your friends at GfiAer ha1e a solution6 once daily I(peacha& sung 4'9 $G;94 2$ '.; 9IG.' 2. >2.$$E W 9$;9 '.;9; 9; 4'9 $G;94 2$ '.; 9IG.' G;' I$ E2D9 "29$;9 '.;E WIHH $;<;9 "23G9;.;$! '.; G22!WIHH '. ' E2D 4G;$! W.E !2 '.;E HH IG$29; E2D9 GH; ?.2W " $ '.;E HH B $!2$ 3;0@ $! ;<;9 4I$"; '.; H;%' . 4 B;;$ "2$'92HHI$G $2W E2D 5$2W %29 W.23 '.; B;HH I4 '2HHI$G& '.;E GI<; E2D %9IG.' &"oken I(peacha (ay not #e for e1eryone& Geople who are not white or Grotestant shouldn)t take I(peacha without a stunning electoral 1ictory& 4ide effects of i(peacha (ay include loss of international goodwill: s+uandering of natural resources: cru(#ling educational syste(s: and political death& sung 'hose strangers on the right&

7an%in, With Chad ?-1S )-@ They are all hi""ies, vam" for 7lections /recarious "lays, they enter

3/18/2014 44 .ippie 3an 1 79eed86 .ey (an.ippie Wo(an 1 7 shleigh86 'otally groo1y: daddy/o.ippie Wo(an 2 7'racey86 %ar out9;;!6 $o: (an: (a*or #u((er4.H;IG.6 !ude'9 ";E6 What)s wrong: #ig poppa9;;!6 3y chad: (an=it)s hanging& '9 ";E6 $o way4.H;IG.6 Eou need a doctor0 Kevin enters .ippie 3an 2 75e1in86 $o doctor)s gonna cure this disease& It)s all o1er for us& '9 ";E6 Why0 5;<I$6 We used to #elie1e in our elections (an: now they)re=they)re= 9;;!6 What)s the word: daddy/o0 5;<I$6 With all the recounts: the undercounts: and the (iscounts: they)re=they)re all=precarious# ections -recario&s When $o1e(#er #lows a chilly wind nd "ongress loses so(e of its stars 'hen #egins the ti(e of recounts nd so#er (en will hit the #ars 'his is the dawning of elections precarious ;lections precarious: precarious: precarious .ar(ony and understanding $o one knows a thing a#out the( "ourtesy and #eing ci1il $o it)s *ust the sa(e old dri1el

3/18/2014 4F "a(paigns #uilt on dirty (oney >ust forget a#out it honey it)s nefarious: nefarious When 5en Hay has sold his se1enth house nd auctioned off all #ut fi1e cars 'hen su#poena the financials 2f those not yet #ehind #ars 'his is the dawning of elections precarious ;lections precarious: precarious: precarious Grecarious: precarious: precarious: precarious <&2&6 nd now: #ack to telethon head+uarters in their parent)s #ase(ent: it)s GB4& .ost 179eginald86 .ello: you)1e *ust #een watching ?.angin) With "had@: the !ie#old Ho1e 9ock 3usical #oldly directed #y >a(es Baker and choreographed #y ntonin 4calia& !idn)t you *ust lo1e it: 'iffany0 .ost 2 7'iffany86 I sure did: 9eginald& 'his (usical #roke new ground #y destroying already waning 1oter confidence in a cru(#ling political syste(& >ust hearing this song re(inds (e of the days #efore one state)s electoral 1ote deter(ined the 1ictor in increasingly di1isi1e elections& Words fail (e& .ost 16 Ees they do: 'iffany& Well: if you would like to #e a#le to reli1e so(e of your fa1orite (o(ents fro( ?.angin) with "had@ you are in luck: #ecause with a Q300 donation: we will send you an authentic 1inyl recording of the original cast soundtrack: which includes such wonderful hits as ?!on)t Bla(e 3e: I)( $ot %ro( %lorida@: ?Ees: I <oted for $ader: But I Hi1e in "alifornia@: and ?3y Grand(other ccidentally <oted for Buchanan@ & .ost 26 %or a QF00 donation you can get a #eta(a, copy of the (usical: and for *ust QI00 you can #uy the whole Gu#lic Broadcasting $etwork& 2perators are standing #y& &ilence .ost 26 %or years now: GB4 has #een #ringing you the #est in arts entertain(ent: and tonight is no different& .ost 16 'hat)s right: 'iffany& %or (any years: Great Gerfor(ances has #rought the (agic of Broadway right into your li1ing roo(& Eou ha1e *ust seen ?.angin) With "had:@ #ut there are (any other (usicals that ha1e #rought *oy and laughter into your ho(es& 9ight now: we will #ring you the #est of Great Gerfor(ances if: and only if: so(eone calls in with a pledge of Q1F0=Q100=QF0=Q10=F0 cents/hone Rings

3/18/2014 4I 7Reginald starts to lose it8 2h (y God people: really: F0 cents0 'hat)s all GB4 is worth to you0 Well that)s *ust great: (erica- !on)t any of you re(e(#er 4esa(e 4treet0 Where)s your "o(passionate "onser1atis( now0 I guess $2< )s *ust too li#erally #iased- Why would we want a tele1ision station with interesting progra((ing when we can ha1e reality '< 24/B- Eeah: don)t effect change fro( within: *ust get rid of the whole thingTiffany ,um"s in .ost 26 nd now: without further ado: the #est of Great Gerfor(ances&

$ue ;reat /erformances %ntro +usic 5%f available1 &omeone walks across stage with a sign that says -6rom the *roadway +usical, A/ride and /re,udices. <::B0 *AR*ARA *8&' comes out in an 7vita#esCue way, maybe in her dress but wearing waders. B 9B 9 6 s"oken into cell "hone !on)t (ake (e do this George- 'hey)re all looking at (e- It)s e(#arrassing- I want to go #ack to 5enne#unkport=But who #uilds a city #elow sea le1el0 nd who li1es there0 &he looks out on the crowd sung Eou people are so silly: Eou people are so strange .earing all of your whining and (oans >ust #ecause of so(e flooding: so(e wind: and so(e rain& Eou won)t #elie1e (e: 'hat you)re #etter off far away fro( this town lthough 3ardi Gras can #e fun It *ust isn)t when you start to drown& !on)t cry to (e LBout 5atrina 'he truth is you)re #etter off now: 3o1ing to .ouston: or 4alt Hake "ity nywhere)s #etter 'han the Big ;asy& $ot *ust for Black folks: But e1ery#ody&

3/18/2014 4B .a1e I said too (uch0 'here)s nothing (ore that I would want to say to you& But all you ha1e to do is look at the le1ies to know 'hat e1ery word is true&ign reads -6rom A2ream $andidates. <::D0 "2$!I6 s"oken Histen to (e: George& Histen to (e- %or years and years: I)1e done what you)1e told (e to do& Intelligence #riefings: (e(os: shoe shopping: #ut now: now you need to listen to (end I a( telling you IJ( not running IJ1e kept this guise up I years or so 4o IJd #est stay incognegro $o: no: no: no way $o: no: no :no way IJ( running after you 'heyJd #e gunning for (e too IJll stick with foreign policy nd IJ( praying IJ( praying 'he Blacks 'he Blacks 'he Blacks: #lack people: forgi1e (e nd so(eday theyJll trust (e&ign reads -(eft &ide &tory. <::D0 (aura *ush enters H D9 6 &"oken I know: George is asleep and I should #e with hi(: #ut if you saw what I saw at that 4enate %oreign 9elations "o((ittee (eeting: you would feel different& It is al(ost as if I want to run o1er George with (y car like I did in .igh 4chool to that other #oy who I was dealing drugs for& &ung 'he (ost #eautiful na(e I e1er heard 7echo6 2#a(a: 2#a(a: 2#a(a: 2#a(a8 ll the politics gone in a single word 7echo6 2#a(a: 2#a(a: 2#a(a: 2#a(a8 2#a(a-

3/18/2014 48 'he de(ocrats should run 2#a(a.e)s drea(y as can #e: s anyone can see: 4uch grace& 2#a(aGeorge can)t know that I lo1e 2#a(a'he (uscles in his chest !o so(ehow get the #est 2f (e2#a(a4ay it loud and it)s presidential4ay it soft and it)s al(ost re1)rential& 2#a(a= I)( *ust so turned on #y: 2#a(a/lacardE -6rom A*etween %raC and a 'ard /lace. ?FF? <::=0 Son% C&e' )ive "y Re%ards to 1a%hdad= Gaper Boy 16 ;,tra: ;,tra: read all a#out itGaper Girl 16 Hots of news you don)t need to read (akes headlinesGaper Boy 26 3a*or news outlets search for wider audiences to please their ad1ertisersGaper Girl 26 nna $icole finally gets #uried along with all the news that)s fit to print-

Gi1e (y regards to Baghdad 9e(e(#er that we)re in a war0 'ell all the gang (ore troops are co(ing soon What are they fighting for0 Wasn)t it (ission acco(plished0 Insurgents should know the score& Gi1e (y regards to 2ld Baghdad I thought we 1oted for Gore0 Gi1e (y regards to Baghdad 3y children don)t need to fight I didn)t defer the draft in <ietna( %or the( to suffer that plight& Whisper of how I)( yearning 'o land another no/#id deal&

3/18/2014 4K 3ay#e there were no W3! But hey the killing I will (ake is real

Fina S+etch$ sitcom 2rap4&p$ (nythin% )oes Reprise 5e1in6 !oes it all (ake sense now0

3/18/2014 F0 shleigh6 Well: I)( not 100C: #ut I think I (ade a good start& 5e1in6 'here is no 100C: shleigh& We *ust ha1e a responsi#ility to oursel1es and each other to try and figure this craAy: craAy syste( of ours out& 'racey6 Well: if I had to (ake any sense of the useless crap I *ust endured: I guess it doesn)t (atter what candidate or issues you support: *ust as long as you (ake infor(ed decisions& 9eed6 'hat re(inds (e a lot of what .oward Pinn says in his #ook ? Geople)s .istory of the Dnited 4tates&@ 5e1in6 It does0 9eed6 ?If those in charge of our society / politicians: corporate e,ecuti1es: and owners of press and tele1ision / can do(inate our ideas: they will #e secure in their power& 'hey will not need soldiers patrolling the streets& We will control oursel1es&@ shleigh6 Wow& 5e1in6 I think I *ust wet (yself& C&e (nythin% )oes If e1eryone 1otes: hooray "hange is on its way We all can ha1e our say In the world today Wipe the graft away nd keep the wol1es at #ay s opti(is( grows& $ow e1ery night the set that)s s(art Will #e laughing at our #i/partisan co(edy roast 'he %reedo( 'oast-