9/19/06 George W.

Uhall Parenting, the third times a charm Death and taxes are not the only certainties in life. D ring o r time on this !lanet, "e all ex!erience !arenting. Whether yo are a single, childless !erson "hos only !arenting ex!erience is in #eing !arented or the grandmother "ho is raising her childrens children yo "ill ex!erience !arenting. $%eryone has dee! con%ictions as to ho" !arenting sho ld #e done. Parenting is something "e all "ant to #e good at #eca se it affects the most innocent and im!ressiona#le amongst s. & t, it is a 'learn as yo go( s)ill that is often ta ght #y ex!erts "itho t credentials, misre!resented #y o r mass media and often !racticed #y those least ca!a#le of doing it "ell. * #elie%e the first time * recogni+ed that someone "as trying to teach me ho" to #e a good !arent "as in the ,&G-.s "aiting room. *n this "aiting room the selection of maga+ines "ere nli)e those in Petes #ar#er sho!. /he familiar '0ield and 1tream(, 'Po! lar 2echanics( and '/ime( maga+ines "ere re!laced #y 'Parenting(, 'Womens 3ealth( and '4merican &a#y(. 1tar%ed for something to do, * leafed thro gh them. & ried "ithin the glossy !ages, * fo nd article after article on child rearing, the Dos, the Donts, some hel!f l hints, and lots of stories of s ccessf l !arenting. /he %ast range of !arenting to!ics and my im!ending fatherhood !ea)ed my interest and !rom!ted f rther research. Witho t too m ch effort, * fo nd tons of reference material. 1hortly after * concl ded my research, * determined that no one had a definiti%e ans"er on ho" to #e a good !arent. .ot only did my so rces %ary in their a!!roach, techni5 e and im!lementation, they often contradicted one another6 * co ld ! t my tr st in Doctor 1!oc)s ad%ice 7des!ite the fact he had had no children of his o"n at the time he ! #lished his first #oo)8. ,r * co ld consider &ill 9os#ys a!!roach that he comically reflected !on in his !arenting #oo), '0atherhood(. ,r * co ld try to em late any n m#er of traditional /: !arents, s ch as, ,++ie and 3arriet as sho"cased in the /: sitcom, ';ea%e *t to &ea%er(. ,r * co ld e%en consider the real<"orld !arenting techni5 es of roc)er, ,++ie ,s#orne and his "ife, 1haron as they str ggle to reign in their children nder the glare of a 3olly"ood s!otlight. & t, the most im!ortant exam!le of !arenting * had at that time "as my o"n !arents and ho" * sa" them thro gh my eyes as a child. /hey "ere my first !arenting ex!erience. 2y !arents "ere god creat res, "hen %ie"ed thro gh my innocent childish eyes. /hey "ere my heroes, my !rotectors, my !ro%iders of food and shelter. When * o#eyed them, * "as re"arded. When * dis!leased them, * "as ! nished. Precisely "hat dis!leased my !arents "as, at first, a mystery. 'What do yo

mean= eating ants is not a good thing> /hey taste good and there are !lenty eno gh for e%eryone.( /he r les "ere ne%er clearly ex!lained to me, * had to disco%er the r les #y testing their #o ndaries. & t, mom and dad "ere al"ays there to a!!ly ! nishment "hen the line "as crossed. 4nd, they "ere there to !ro%ide a comforta#le safe ha%en, often "ra!!ing me ! in their "arm em#race "hene%er the "orld h rt me. & t then, things changed. .ot a seasonal change, # t something closer to that r st s!ot on my car that )e!t getting #igger and #igger e%ery year. * #egan noticing crac)s in their godli)e a thority and !o"er. /hey had moments of indecision, they lac)ed foresight in !redicting !ro#lems, and a#o%e all, they made mista)es. 2y o!inion of them changed. .o longer "ere they my #enefactors, instead, they "ere %illains of the first order im!eding my !rogress and stifling my !leas re at e%ery t rn. .o longer "ere they teaching me, they "ere no" nothing more than har!ies stealing my so l. * also noticed that my !arents !arenting changed as the second, and third mem#ers of o r family arri%ed. &eing the first of the #rood, * got !referential treatment. 2y #a#y #oo) "as st ffed "ith !hotos, mementos, ne"s!a!er cli!!ings, and e%en in)ed !rints of my feet, hands and #ehind. 2y !arents )e!t e%erything * to ched those first fe" years. /hey e%en )e!t a diary in my #a#y #oo) that doc mented e%ery day of my first year, mar)ing the exact time and !lace for each of my ma?or accom!lishments s ch as # r!ing or saying '!ooh(. 2y yo nger si#lings on the other hand, they "ere l c)y if their #a#y #oo)s contained m ch more than their #irth certificates and a !hoto of me holding them. 1o, sitting there in that doctors office contem!lating my im!ending o!!ort nity to !arent, * %o"ed not to ma)e the same mista)es as my !arents. * "o ld #e the '!erfect( !arent. 4fter thoro ghly researching the matter, * )ne" that * "o ld s cceed "here they had failed. * "o ld ne%er s!an) my son or da ghter. .ot once "o ld * allo" my fr strations or anger s rface. /imeo ts "ere going to #e my choice for disci!line. $%ery "ea)ness or character fla" * "o ld st ff sec rely into a loc)ed #ox and hide it a"ay so they "o ld ne%er see it. 2y child "o ld #e the center of my ni%erse. *ndeed, * "o ld ! t my life on hold "hile * attended to his e%ery need. * "o ld #e there for e%ery #allet lesson, school !lay or soccer !ractice. /ogether, "e "o ld st dy the "onders of the ni%erse as "ell as the m lti!lication ta#les and s!elling lists. 3olidays "o ld #e s!ecial days. /he $aster # nny "o ld lea%e #a)ing soda foot!rints on the car!et leading to their #as)ets of candy. .o chea! store<#o ght cost me for my )ids. * "o ld ma)e their 3allo"een cost mes and follo" them from door to door res!ectf lly "aiting in the # shes as they collected treats from the neigh#ors. ,h, yes, * "o ld do it right. ;oo)ing #ac) on it no", * can see that instead of a%oiding all the !arenting !itfalls * sa" my !arents ma)e, * follo"ed the same footste!s left #y my !arents and

e%en disco%ered some ne" tra!s of my o"n. 3o" co ld * #e so #lind> 2y constant doting and o%er<ind lgent #eha%ior did not create !erfect children, it created !erfect monsters. /hose ngratef l little c rs did not a!!reciate the time or the effort it too) to ! t together a #irthday !arty for t"enty screaming, s gar< charged children freed from their !arents reins. 4ll they cared a#o t "as the gift co nt and "hether or not they got that one toy they had #een #egging me to get for them each and e%ery day for the last three months. What a misera#le !arenting fail re * ha%e #ecome. 2y child "asnt the starting 5 arter#ac) on his !ee"ee foot#all team. 3e did not get the staring roll in the school !lay. 2y )id did not ma)e the honor roll e%ery semester, nor grad ate high school as the %aledictorian. 3e "atches too m ch /: and tal)s on the !hone for ho rs on end. *f * sa" him to do any "or) aro nd the ho se or yard it "o ld shoc) me into a heart attac). 4nd forget a#o t holding a con%ersation "ith him, nless yo can co nt, '1to! # gging me, Dad6( as a con%ersation. 2ay#e, ? st may#e, * "ill #e gi%en another chance at !arenting. 1e%eral of my friends and ac5 aintances ha%e already #een #lessed "ith this o!!ort nity. 2ost are ex!eriencing !arenting the third time as grand!arents. 1ome find that they ha%e o tgro"th their first relationshi! and ha%e di%orced, then remarried and ha%e started a second family. $%en others ha%e children "ho are finding the "orld is still an nforgi%ing !lace for a yo ng family and are forced to rely !on the good nat re and reso rces of their !arents to li%e. Whate%er the circ mstances, the o!!ort nity to ex!erience !arenting the third time looms on my hori+on. 4nd this time, * "ill #e smarter, stronger and #etter !re!ared. *ll ha%e real ex!erience to co nt on, not the m sings of some ! ndit that needs to ! nch o t an article on !arenting #efore his deadline. *ll )no" that )ids can scra! their el#o"s and not need to #e r shed to the hos!ital. 4nd, that its o) to s c) at #ase#all or s"imming or "hate%er. 4nd, that my !recio s child doesnt really need those t"o h ndred dollar snea)ers e%eryone else o"ns. *ll )no" that time "ith them is im!ortant, # t #eing "ith them e%ery moment is s ffocating. *ll )no" that allo"ing a child to fail is as im!ortant a cele#rating their s ccesses and that #oth are !art of life. /he most im!ortant thing "e can do as !arents is to not s"eat the little st ff. *t is ama+es me that o r charges gro" ! to #e healthy, "ell ad? sted !arents themsel%es and that they do this des!ite o r anemic !arenting efforts. 4t each of the three stages of !arenting, "e str ggle to model o rsel%es after the !erfect !arent. & t, there is no s ch thing as the !erfect !arent, and "e really need not str ggle "ith a !rocess that "as ! t into !lace tho sands of years ago and has #een "or)ing non<sto! from the #eginning. 4nd, for my third go aro nd "ith !arenting> Why, *ll #e !erfect6