Louis started using drugs to escape himself.

He began mainlining heroin at age 19 and eventually became addicted to cocaine as well. Like many other addicts, Louis, now 40, says his drug dependence snuck up on him. ! didn"t choose to become an addict. ! chose to e#periment, to escape. $rug abuse, he adds, helped him cope with anger, anomie, and feelings of powerlessness. %&ven before trying heroin, he had a troubled life' (unning away from his )amden, *ew +ersey, home at 1,, he ended up on the streets of *ew -ork and .oined a gang before being sent to prison for 1/ months.0 ! can clearly remember my using 1drugs2 because of 1emotional2 pain, and because ! didn"t know where to go with the pain or what to do with it. . . . ! think sticking that spike in my arm was a violent act, maybe it was an act of .ust basically anestheti3ing myself, he says. !t didn"t take long for Louis to figure out that he was addicted. &motionally and psychologically, ! .ust knew that this was it, he says. 4his was going to be my way, you know, to cope. Louis did try to stop using drugs many times. He tried methadone. 5ut his early efforts didn"t last very long, even though drug use eventually became mundane and not even pleasurable. Louis says he knew there had to be more to life than getting high, but by some point he felt powerless to give up drugs even when their use became what he calls an empty routine. Louis says he did whatever he could to support his habit. 6lthough many addicts must hit bottom before they seek help, Louis was always able to find a trap door, he says. !n 19/,, however, at age 79, he hit a turning point. He found out he had the 6!$8 virus. 6t the time ! was on heroin, so ! didn"t really feel the 1news2. !t took some time before it sunk in that ! have this result, this diagnosis. Louis says the diagnosis was a wake9up call, but it wasn"t until 19/9 that he would be able to give up drugs for good. 4hat year, he was released from the last of many deto#ification programs. :pon release, he began to reflect on his life. He reali3ed he had spent most of his teenage and early adult years in an institutionali3ed setting. 6t ;;, Louis was an H!<9positive drug addict, out of work, and living in an abandoned building in Harlem. 4ired of what he describes as a cycle of institutional incarceration, he decided to find the means to change his life while waiting in a soup line in an &ast Harlem shelter. He found it at that shelter. 4here, Louis entered a community with which he could connect. 6lthough there were rules and regulations to follow, Louis says there was a wholeness in the shelter that he hadn"t felt in a long time' !t was a place that wasn"t like anyplace !"d been before. Louis also decided that he had seen one too many friends die from drugs or 6!$8. 4here were others who had the same dreams that never came true . . . never had the promise of their recovery really fulfilled, because they were cut short, he says. =atching friends die from 6!$8, Louis says, he began to reflect on his own mortality. ! wanted to be conscious as opposed to being on chemicals. 4here was no blinding moment of truth that led him to recovery, he says. !t was more of a gradual process. 8eeing other addicts recover and enter upon a transformative process showed him how it could change his life. =hen addicted people reali3e that there is a choice and an alternative to addiction, to me that speaks 1about2 freedom, and that is what recovery is all about, says Louis. (ecovery is about change, and change is about freedom. Louis says things sort of came together for him at the shelter. 8helter officials talked

about personal and social responsibility and advocacy and change. 14hey2 talked about community and a sense of community, belonging, not being powerless but being powerful, says Louis. >or the first time, he felt that he could make a difference. ! felt perhaps ! can change and work in a process for change. 4he shelter made all the difference for him in recovery, he says. !t provided a respite and safe haven and a place to be connected to others. 6t the shelter, he had responsibilities that made him feel like a vital part of a community. !nstead of being in a soup line, Louis was now running it. !nstead of begging for a coat, he was giving coats out to others. &ventually Louis was on the other side of the counseling desk, listening and talking to drug addicts who had gone through the same e#periences he had >inding spirituality in some form is also a helpful step on the road to recovery, he says. Louis says that to him spirituality transcends anything dogmatic or denominational or doctrinal. Louis notes that his recovery e#perience demonstrates there are many ways to recover. >or him, formal drug treatment didn"t work. He went through two years of it but eventually returned to heroin and other drugs. 4hings finally clicked for him in a setting that was less formal, where nonprofessional former addicts listened to people going through recovery. !t 1was2 .ust two people listening, feeling, caring, hearing. . . . -ou enter into an atmosphere . . . that says you"re in the right place. Louis says the setting made him feel disarmed and eased his defenses. 4here"s a sort of collective consciousness that happens with honest sharing. . . . -ou feel it"s okay, and you become maybe .ust a little open. Louis, who now runs a home for H!<9positive addicts who have been homeless or in prison, hopes his e#perience can now help others. ! was seen as a very self9centered person who was only absorbed and concerned about 1his2 own interest. . . . ! wasn"t a bad person, but maybe a sick person. Louis wants the home he runs to be a place for addicts to feel safe, to lay a tired head, and to get care and treatment. 4he program also offers supportive services to those who are still active users. =e definitely advocate abstinence for health reasons. However, we support the rights of those who may never choose to stop using and must have a choice, he says. :ltimately, he says, recovery happens when a person reconciles with or reclaims himself. =hen he put that first spike in his arm nearly 7? years ago, Louis says, 4here was something about me that ! lost . . . something that was never going to be the same again. He later identified himself as an addict, a homeless person, or a prisoner. 4oday, Louis feels he"s reclaimed himself. He identifies himself as a a person with a purpose on the planet, integrating principles of my life toward personal transformation and social change. Louis says he doesn"t worry about putting a spike in his arm anymore. !"ve died many times, and ! have lived many different lives, but !"ve never lived this life before. 6lthough he knows that living with 6!$8 also means living with the prospect of death, he isn"t daunted. 4here"s a reason to life today, he says. +anet >irshein