Here are the main categories I'd throw responses into, going from the relatively worst response

you can give to relatively the best (though these vary according to the situation):

1. '. ,. 0. 5. 8.

"I'm sorry." our standard, run!of!the!mill apology, complete with cultural baggage and re"uired sad face # voice tone. $I'm sorry$ assumes full, 1%%& responsibility for the blame while providing no solutions other than repentance. "I didn't mean to!" (gh, this one's almost as bad as $I'm sorry.$ )gain, cultural baggage * full responsibility for the blame and no solution. It's somewhat better than $I'm sorry$ when you stri+e the right vocal tonality (thin+, "uiet and matter!of fact with a hint of repentance: $I didn't mean to$). "It's not my fault!" our standard, run!of!the!mill denial of blame, once again coming e"uipped with cultural baggage. -hen people say, $It's not my fault.$ we actually tend to automatically assume that, at least to some e/tent, it is their fault !! and that they're simply abdicating responsibility. An explanation of the problem. 1his is getting closer to something I'd describe as a good response. 2ather than a blan+et, +nee!3er+ response to an accusation of misdeed, a carefully!worded e/planation is issued instead. 4omething a+in to, $I was trying to wash the wine glasses, but the pot on the side of the sin+ started slipping and I reached over to catch it and hit the glass on the countertop, smashing it. It ended up loo+ing li+e this,$ as you show the bro+en glass with a $sorry about that$ facial e/pression. Careful consideration. 1his is my standard fare now when encountering situations where people are upset # angry # hoping for or e/pecting an apology. 1hey stare, waiting for you to say something, and my typical response is something li+e, $Hmm. eah. 1hat's not very good, is it6$ ou haven't e/plained the situation, shifted the blame, or ta+en it onto yourself7 but what this does do is this: it allows the other person time to release her emotions without pinning them to you. Dismissal. 1his one's pretty tric+y. 9inor things you want to dismiss as a non!issue, and dismissal can often be good here. :or ma3or things, dismissal can be one of the worst !! if not the worst !! responses you can give... it communicates you 3ust don't care. :urther muddying the waters, some things women might treat as ma3or that are actually minor can be effectively handled with dismissal, but the line for which can be or can't be isn't set in stone. ;y way of an e/ample, you might dismiss apologi<ing for spilling the water out of a vase of roses and 3ust go straight to cleaning up the mess. ou might still do so if the girl seems upset and tells you the sound of the vase falling startled her. ;ut you probably don't want to be dismissive if she gets upset and notes for you to please be careful because her deceased grandmother bought her that vase.

=.

Owning it

resolution. 1his is, personally, my usual course for almost all problem situations where I am at fault. Important to note there, since so many fol+s ta+e ownership of

things they didn't do 3ust for the sa+e of appeasement. I'll use careful consideration first if the person is upset7 then I'll switch into this. >wning it * resolution loo+s something li+e this, $ eah, I probably should've been more careful about that. 1hat's my mista+e. ?et me get this one cleaned up, and ne/t time I'll be more conscious of where I put my elbows.$ If you were paying attention to that list, you possibly noticed the $statements$ !! things li+e $I'm sorry,$ $I didn't mean to,$ and $It's not my fault$ !! are all up there as the worst things you can say. -hy's it bad to say those things6 !tandard statements li"e that feel wea" because they are wea" ## they're "nee#$er"% automatic reactions that come with little thought% leadership% or carefulness. 1hey feel wea+ because they're a form of supplication . In other words, they're cheap and ineffective. 1hey're low status, low class fallbac+s for people who don't want to use their brains to deal with a situation !! or, more li+ely, can't use their brains, because their brains are flooded with emotions li+e fear and regret. (ltimately, that's what the +nee!3er+ responses communicate about someone:that he or she is responding in fear. :ear of reprisal. :ear of not being li+ed. :ear of how the other person will react. )nd a man fearing her, you might surmise, is not e/actly the most attractive thing in the world to a woman. In fact... it leads her to lose all manner of respect for him. -hich is why you see it in those sitcoms on 1@. It's funny. And it's funny because of the role re&ersal' the man scooting around% pleading for the woman's forgi&eness. 2eal men don't do that, we +now. Aeep down inside us, we +now that. It's why we laugh. ;ut lots of real guys still do it in the real world anyway, but women don't laugh. They feel put off by those guys. $Can't he just be a man for once?$ they wonder. )nd men still don't get that it isn't attractive. If you're doing this, it has to stop.

When Should You Apologize to Women?

?et me list these out:

)nd that's it.

-hen you're in an ongoing violation of social convention (you're running late, or you're ma+ing her hold something really heavy) -hen you've legitimately and clearly made a mista+e -hen you're commiserating with something unfortunate that's happened to her

Bot because she's mad. Bot because she thin+s you ought to apologi<e. Bot because, Cod forbid, you're opening her (I've actually seen "uite a few guys open women with, $4orry, but...$ then launching into their openers). Bot because of any reason other than those three named above. -hen you're doing the first and the third, you'll use sorry. I'll give e/amples for each. (ou're running late ou te/t her: $2unning about '% minutes behind, sorry. ;e there soon.$ (ou'&e clearly made a mista"e ou tell her: $Hmm, yeah, I should've held the door for you, you're carrying a lot of stuff. 9y mista+e. I'll be more conscious of that ne/t time. )lso, if you're carrying a lot of stuff or very heavy stuff and I haven't noticed it, 3ust let me +now.$ !he's upset because her puppy has fleas ou tell her: $I'm sorry about that. I'm sure he'll be o+ay. I hope you don't have fleas too now.$ ou can use $sorry$ and $I'm sorry$ when you are being the careta"er of her emotions, as in the first and third e/amples above. ou should never use it to get yourself $off the hoo+$ when she's mad, upset, or angry. >therwise, cut out the $sorry$s. Dspecially when she's angry at you, li+e so:

$1his is >(2 fault.$ she says. $B>BD of this would've happened if not for you.$ Do not apologi)e. (nder B> circumstances apologi<e there. ou can own it and offer a resolution later !! if it was indeed your fault !! but only after she's calmed down. Bo fear, no capitulation here !! it isn't allowed. (ielding reinforces in her mind that she's correct% you are at fault% and youdo ha&e something to be ashamed of. It may seem li+e the easy out at the time, but trust me, it will forever damage your relationship. !he will always "now you bro"e. ou must not yield. -hether you've 3ust met her, or you've been with her for twenty years, it doesn't matter. 1he dynamic is exactly the same. ;rea+ing under pressure communicates wea+ness, and wea+ness is the antithesis of attraction. *end here% and she respects you less% and wants you less% fore&er. It's hard to stay strong in the face of a lot of pressure, I +now. ;ut in the end, when all's said and done, she ends up feeling a lot more secure in your strength, and holding much more attraction for you. ?ife isn't a sitcom, after all. ?aughs are fine for those guys on 1@7 but for you, our aim is this: fix the problem, keep her attraction. >wn it and resolve it if it's legitimately your fault. ;ut only when she's being reasonable. (ntil then, be calm, be warm, and be nice !! but, whatever you do, don't bend. ou'll retain her respect and attraction when you follow this advice, and, hec+ !! you may even see it go up. 1a+e that, 1@. ou bent. 4he pushed, and you deflated li+e an empty sac+.