Roger Zelazny. Collector's Fever "What are you doing there, human?" "It's a long story.

" "Good, I li e long stories. !it do"n and tal . #o$$not on me%" "!orry. Well, it's all &ecause o' my uncle, the 'a&ulously "ealthy$$" "!to(. What does '"ealthy' mean?" "Well, li e rich." ")nd 'rich'?" "*m. +ots o' money." "What's money?" ",ou "ant to hear this story or don't you?" ",es, &ut I'd li e to understand it too." "!orry, Roc , I'm a'raid I don't understand it all mysel'." "-he name is !tone." ". ay, !tone. /y uncle, "ho is a very im(ortant man, "as su((osed to send me to the !(ace )cademy, &ut he didn't. *e decided a li&eral education "as a &etter thing. !o he sent me to his old s(inster alma mater to ma0or in nonhuman humanities. ,ou "ith me, so 'ar?" "#o, &ut understanding is not necessarily an ad0unct to a((reciation." "-hat's "hat I say. I'll never understand 1ncle !idney, &ut I a((reciate his outrageous tastes, his mag(ie instinct and his gross meddling in other (eo(le's a''airs. I a((reciate them till I'm sic to the stomach. -here's nothing else I can do. *e's a carnivorous old 'amily monument, and 'ond o' having his o"n "ay. 1n'ortunately, he also has all the money in the 'amily$$so it 'ollo"s, li e a 233t2 a'ter a 2zzn2, that he al"ays 2does2 have his o"n "ay." "-his money must &e (retty im(ortant stu''." "Im(ortant enough to send me across ten thousand light$years to an unnamed "orld, "hich, incidentally, I've 0ust named 4unghill." "-he lo"$'lying 2zatt2 is a heavy eater, "hich accounts 'or its lo" 'lying..." "!o I've noted. -hat 2is2 moss though, isn't it?" ",es." "Good, then crating "ill &e less o' a (ro&lem." "What's 'crating'?" "It means to (ut something in a &o3 to ta e it some"here else." "+i e moving around?" ",es." "What are you (lanning on crating?" ",oursel', !tone." "I've never &een the rolling sort..." "+isten, !tone, my uncle is a roc collector, see? ,ou are the only s(ecies o' intelligent mineral in the gala3y. ,ou are also the largest s(ecimen I've s(otted so 'ar. 4o you 'ollo" me?" ",es, &ut I don't "ant to." "Why not? ,ou'd &e lord o' his roc collection. !ort o' a one$eyed man in a ingdom o' the &lind, i' I may venture an

ina((ro(riate meta(hor." "5lease don't do that, "hatever it is. It sounds a"'ul. -ell me, ho" did your uncle learn o' our "orld?" ".ne o' my instructors read a&out this (lace in an old s(ace log. 2*e2 "as an old s(ace log collector. -he log had &elonged to a Ca(tain Fairhill, "ho landed here several centuries ago and held lengthy discourses "ith your (eo(le." "Good old Foul Weather Fairhill% *o" is he these days? Give him my regards$$" "*e's dead." "What?" "4ead. 6a(ut. 7looey. Gone. 4ee&le." ".h my% When did it ha((en? I trust it "as an esthetic occurrence o' ma0or im(ort$$" "I couldn't really say. 7ut I (assed the in'ormation on to my uncle, "ho decided to collect you. -hat's "hy I'm here$$he sent me." "Really, as much as I a((reciate the com(liment, I can't accom(any you. It's almost dee&le time$$" "I no", I read all a&out dee&ling in the Fairhill log &e'ore I sho"ed it to 1ncle !idney. I tore those (ages out. I "ant him to &e around "hen you do it. -hen I can inherit his money and console mysel' in all manner o' e3(ensive "ays 'or never having gone to the !(ace )cademy. First I'll &ecome an alcoholic, then I'll ta e u( "enching$$or may&e I'd &etter do it the other "ay around..." "7ut I "ant to dee&le here, among the things I've &ecome attached to%" "-his is a cro"&ar. I'm going to unattach you." "I' you try it, I'll dee&le right no"." ",ou can't. I measured your mass &e'ore "e struc u( this conversation. It "ill ta e at least eight months, under 8arth conditions, 'or you to reach dee&ling (ro(ortions." ". ay, I "as &lu''ing. 7ut have you no com(assion? I've rested here 'or centuries, ever since I "as a small (e&&le, as did my 'athers &e'ore me. I've added so care'ully to my atom collection, &uilding u( the 'inest molecular structure in the neigh&orhood. )nd no", to &e snatched a"ay right &e'ore dee&ling time, it's$$it's 9uite unroc o' you." "It's not that &ad. I (romise you'll collect the 'inest 8arth atoms availa&le. ,ou'll go (laces no other !tone has ever &een &e'ore." "!mall consolation. I "ant my 'riends to see." "I'm a'raid that's out o' the 9uestion." ",ou are a very cruel human. I ho(e you're around "hen I dee&le." "I intend to &e 'ar a"ay and on the eve o' (rodigious de&aucheries "hen that occurs." 1nder 4unghill's su&$8 gravitation !tone "as easily rolled to the side o' the s(ace sedan, crated, and, "ith the hel( o' a "inch, installed in the com(artment &eside the atomic (ile. -he 'act that it "as a short$0aunt s(ort model sedan, customized &y its o"ner, "ho had

removed much o' the shielding, "as the reason !tone 'elt a sudden 'lush o' volcanic drun enness, ra(idly added select items to his collection and dee&led on the s(ot. *e mushroomed u("ards, then s"e(t in great "aves across the (lains o' 4unghill. !everal young !tones 'ell 'rom the dusty heavens "ailing their &irth (ains across the community &and. "Gone 'ission," commented a distant neigh&or, a&ove the static, "and sooner than I e3(ected. Feel that "arm a'terglo"%" ")n e3cellent dee&le," agreed another. "It al"ays (ays to &e a cautious collector." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$