1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability Your Father is your banker provided by nature When two's company, three's the result! When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do. If you think you aren't creative... Buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it. I don't just have issues. I have a subscription. In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isnt taken. Sunrises are just as beautiful as sunsets only less crowded. The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Hey, I'm not lazy. I convert oxygen to carbon dioxide all day long without complaining. Life is too short to remove USB safely. I always know what my son was doing before I entered the room. Come on, no one just keeps on staring at Google. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 2 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 3 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. 5 Going to church doesnt make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 6 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 7 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 8 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list. 9 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 10 If I agreed with you wed both be wrong. 11 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 12 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 14 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 15 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 17 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 18 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you dont have a good partner, youd better have a good hand. 19 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 20 Evening news is where they begin with Good evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isnt. 21 Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

22 If sex is a pain in the ass, then youre doing it wrong 23 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 24 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 25 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean t hat one enjoys it? 26 If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of payments. 27 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 28 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 29 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 30 Some people are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you cant help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 31 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 32 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you dont need it. 33 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 34 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 35 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify: I put DOCTOR. Whats my mother going to do? 36 I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 37 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 38 I didnt say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 39 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on itso I said Implants? 40 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 41 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 42 The sole purpose of a childs middle name, is so he can tell when hes really in trouble. 43 God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 44 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 45 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 46 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 47 Some people say If you cant beat them, join them. I say If you cant beat them, beat them, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

48 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 49 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 50 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 51 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 52 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 53 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 54 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 55 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 56 Its not the fall that kills you; its the sudden stop at the end. 57 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 58 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He wont expect it back. 59 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 60 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 61 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 62 Hospitality: making your guests feel like theyre at home, even if you wish they were. 63 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 64 Money cant buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 65 When in doubt, mumble. 66 I discovered I scream the same way whether Im about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 67 I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 68 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. 69 A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying. 70 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 71 Just rememberif the world didnt suck, wed all fall off. 72 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, youre ugly too. 73 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 74 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks youre an asshole. 75 I dont trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesnt die.

76 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. 77 I shouldve known it wasnt going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, Im a Libra and shes a bitch. 78 I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 79 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 80 Theres a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they cant get away. 81 I used to be indecisive. Now Im not sure. 82 Youre never too old to learn something stupid. 83 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 84 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket Id miss you heaps and think of you often. 85 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, Im going to mop the floor with your face. I said, Youll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you wont be able to get into the corners very well. 86 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 87 Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? 88 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 89 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 90 A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 92 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 93 If winning isnt everything why do they keep score? 94 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. 95 If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you! 96 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 97 Hallmark Card: Im so miserable without you, its almost like youre still here. 98 Whoever coined the phrase Quiet as a mouse has never stepped on one. 99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 100 Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.
19. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. 20. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

21. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

22. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

23. If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

24. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

25. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. 26. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

27. Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

28. Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

29. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

30. Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

31. Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it. 32. Do not put statements in the negative form.

33. 43% of all statistics are worthless.

34. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

35. It's lonely at the top but you eat better.

36. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. (unless I buy something)

37. MEETINGS, A practical alternative to work. 38. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

39.

Is reading in the bathroom considered muti-tasking?

Short stories with moral lessons.

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

**********************************

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure , why not."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

********************************** A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

101 (Small) Things To Keep The Wife Happy

1. Give her a hug every day

2. Say "I Love You" at the end of every phone conversation 3. Remember to take out the garbage

4. Take the kids for a walk (or drive). Alone time does wonders for refreshment.

5. Make her her favorite drink (whether it be coffee, tea, soda, or martini)

6. Ask about her day

7. Make dinner every now and again (or bring home take out without being asked)

8. Record her favorite television shows (or get Season Passes to them on TiVo) 9. Paint her toe nails (or fingers. She might have a preference)

10. Let her win an argument (or seven)

11. Pick up your dirty laundry off the floor

12. Play footsie in bed

13. Snuggle 14. Offer to help her carry the groceries

15. Give her a weekend to herself

16. Bring home unexpected small gifts

17. Comment on her new hair cut

18. Bring her tissues when she's sick

19. Offer to watch the movie of her choice 20. Clean the kitchen

21. Spend a weekend away (again, this time she gets the house to herself)

22. Call during the day just to say Hi

23. Hold her hand when your out and about (that is, if you can get it away from the children)

24. Smile the first time you see her each day.

25. Fold a load of laundry. Or start a new load in the washer. Or do both. 26. Trust that she knows where to go for the party next weekend (got and printed the directions).

27. Listen when she's trying to tell you she's upset

28. Let her take an afternoon nap

29. Pick up milk on the way home (or whatever grocery item is always "empty")

30. Offer to wash her car

31. Bring home a favorite flower (or bouquet) 32. Take out some favorite photos of the both of you and reminisce

33. Give her a back rub (or massage her feet. Or shoulders. Or really, whatever she likes)

34. Let her sleep in this Saturday

35. And then make her favorite breakfast (or go out to a restaurant for it)

36. Ask about one of her biggest wishes or dreams

37. Leave a love note in her purse/car/wallet

38. Buy a coffee shop gift card (if that's her thing) and leave it for her in the morning 39. If you empty the toilet paper roll, get and place the new one

40. Windex the bathroom mirror

41. Take they dry cleaning in

42. Never underestimate the power of a good night kiss

43. Clean off the dinner table dishes

44. Ask her to go for a walk with you 45. Talk to each other... have a conversation about something meaningful or nothing in particular

46. Put the kids to bed

47. Hang that picture/shelf/candle holder you always meant to

48. Bring home a gift certificate for a pedicure or massage

49. Fill her car up with gas (and wash the windshield)

50. Hershey Chocolate Kisses (get creative) 51. Zip up or button the back of her dress or shirt

52. Gently place a blanket over her if she falls asleep in the afternoon or on the couch in the evening

53. Go to the pharmacy for her medication when she's sick

54. Bathe the kids

55. Buy her "girlie" shampoo, conditioner, and soap for the shower

56. Make dinner reservations (complete with arrangements for a baby sitter) 57. Don't complain if she's having one of those long phone conversations

58. Offer to clean up her computer screen and/or keyboard

59. Take a picture of her favorite place and send it to her (or leave it in a card on the table)

60. Whisper sweet nothings into her ear

61. Feed the pets

62. Run her a bubble bath. With candles.

63. Offer her your jacket if it is cold. 64. Rub lotion on her hands (and hell anywhere else you want)

65. Give her space when she needs it

66. Ask about her work (and yes, if she stays home--ask about the children, the housework, etc)

67. Make a mix tape (or playlist)

68. Send funny e-mails. Either share a funny remark, send love notes, or even URLs for the funniest videos you've ever seen. It just means you are thinking of her. And she of you. 69. Shut the door sometimes when you are in the restroom

70. Hang up your coat after you come in (and the shoes, put them away too)

71. Warm and pull up the car to the restaurant/store door if it is cold or raining or windy

72. Buy her earrings. Or a necklace. A ring. Something inexpensive, but fun/beautiful/reminiscent of you

73. Let her cry if she needs to

74. Help get that item off the "high shelf" 75. Rub her back as you pass by her cooking dinner (or reading e-mail. It is the touch that counts)

76. Clean up the clutter in the living room/kitchen/bathroom--any room. Just spruce it up tonight. She'll notice

77. Come home early

78. Offer to cook her dinner (not on the grill. In the kitchen please)

79. Pull out the wedding glasses and toast to your "togetherness"

80. Sit next to her on the couch 81. Look her in the eye and tell her how you feel about her

82. Look up her Favorites or Wish Lists at an online store... and buy her something small from the list

83. Take charge for the evening--corralling the children for bedtime, bathing, reading, television, etc.

84. Ask her what one small thing you could do to make her life easier at that moment and do it

85. Offer to paint a room the color of her choice

86. Give up the television remote for one night

87. Pack her lunch for the day

88. Call her favorite girlfriend to schedule a surprise her with a girls' night/day out and about 89. Bake her a cake/pie/muffin/favorite dessert

90. Remember a special moment you had together, talk about it, discuss it, and share it with her (this can just be done verbally, in a letter... anything that you want to do)

91. Tell her when she looks good. As in, "Hey, you look great in that." Or if she is wearing your favorite perfume, mention it.

92. Fluff her pillow before bed

93. Next time you are at a party or social gathering--give her wink from across the room. Or a knowing glance. Or a grin. Some sort of shared thought or expression that the two of you can share

94. Find out how she likes her eggs and/or coffee. This can be valuable information.

95. Clean the toilet(s)

96. Take her picture when you think she looks beautiful. Even if she doesn't want you to.

97. Open the car/restaurant/store door for her

98. Let her pick the music in the car next time your driving together 99. Remind her why you married her.

100. Find a way to make her laugh. Really laugh. It does wonders for the soul.

101. Tell her you love her. And mean it.

Q&A
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

********** Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all it is already built.

**********

Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?

A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

********** Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.

********** Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

********** Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps at night. ********** Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?

A: Because he is dead.

********** Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A: It becomes wet.

********** Q. What often falls but never gets hurt?

A : Rain ********** Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?

A : TOMORROW

********** Q. What looks like half apple?

A : The other half.

********** Q. What can you never eat for breakfast? A : Dinner.

********** Q. What gets wet with drying?

A : A towel

********** Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?

A : AGE.

********** Q. What happened when wheel was invented? A : It caused a revolution.

********** Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?

A : Because it has its own scales.

********** Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg?

A : Because it is too tyred.

********** Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state A : liquid

**********

I bet you I could stop gambling.