ONE OF US By Theo Eftimiades

The scene starts in a classroom setting with nine desks lined in rows of three.
When Jack and Alice write notes, or Creep writes in his diary a spotlight is shone around
them and they speak what they write. No other characters can hear what they are
speaking, it is simply a narration of what is being written.

Creep: Dear diary, its Thursday, March 18th, 2009. I write to you today inspired by love.
A love that controls and poisons my every thought. A love that would cause me to
explode if I didn’t express it. A love that is TRULY… my all. But alas this love is so
much more. You see diary, I speak under the spell of a sorceress… Alice Parker. My
Alice…

SSteacher: Alright everyone, attention. Today’s lesson will be on how to defend you
from sexual predators…

Jack: (speaking out loud as he writes a note) So here are my observations of the day.
Mrs. Swiatoha looks constipated. Blunderthall keeps staring at the thong of the girl in
front of him, and Creep looks extra creepy today. I thank god every day for making me…
not that kid.
(note is passed to Alice)

SSteacher: a poke to the eyes, swift kick to the nethers, and scream like all hell.

Alice: Haha I don’t know, he’s kind of sweet to me. He occasionally gives me a smile in
the hallways. You shouldn’t make fun of him so much; it messes with him you know.

(Note passing continues)

Jack: I don’t mess with him. I don’t care about him enough to mess with him. Plus every
joke I make is in passing and doesn’t mean anything.

Alice: (Yells) WHAT?!?!

SSteacher: Can we help you Ms. Parker?

Alice: Oh no, I’m sorry.

SSteacher: Well then, be quiet. Always check the backseat of your car for unwanted
visitors…

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Alice: (Writing) Jack?! Is your sanity a topic of debate? Last year you peed in his
lunchbox, two years ago you plagiarized a paper straight from wikipedia and turned it in
with his name on it getting him suspended for two days, and three years ago you
pretended to be a 21 year old Canadian housewife. You told him you were in love with
him and were coming to America to live with him, and then you printed his sexual
fantasies, and posted them on every locker. Then you took the sheet and switched it with
the morning announcements. Paul Paloozi told the entire school the nickname for his. you
know.

Jack: Warcock the Warlock! Haha yeah but it was all funny. You see?

Creep: (still Writing in diary) She writes notes all class long. I can’t help but hope that
just one is meant for me. But Diary, I take PAIN in that they never are. It’s wretched.
How love is disease and Alice, my medicine. She lies just out of my grasp on the top
shelf, as illness scorches my heart. I tell you love is cruel to all of its puppets. My moon
rises as her sun sets and it seems we will never align. My chance will never come. Oh but
Creep! Why art thou so bleak with thy outlook? What if… what if she looked at you the
same way you look at her? Then what? Birds would sing, flowers would bloom, and a
smile as wide as the Nile would stretch across my face. But alas, it will never be so.
Where is the Trojan horse that carried love into my heart? If I could find it I would smash
it!

Jack: Look its whatever, it happened. Forget about it. And on the bright side its Social
Studies. And its Thursday, you know what that means…

Alice: Penis game.

Creep: Every Thursday Jack and Alice play the penis game... Nothing gets a girls
attention more then a man winning a competition. She barely knows who I am. If I win
the penis game she will have no choice but to acknowledge me!

Jack: (whispers) Penissss

Creep: Here it goes… Wish me luck diary.

Alice: (coughs) Penis

Jack: ahhhh (quickly) PENIS

Alice: (louder) penis!

Creep: PENIS (getting up, smacking the table with both hands, and yelling)

SSteacher: Creep WHAT in heavens sake are you doing! I HATE that darned penis
game! Get out of my class right now! Waddle your little penis on down to the principles

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office! And tomorrow I do not want to see you in my class. (Creep walks out of class
dejected) Everyone else, you’re dismissed.
(All walk out of class. Everyone but Alice, Jack, and Blue walk offstage)

Jack: And THAT was possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.

Alice: (nervous) well

Blue: (stands in Jack’s way) That wasn’t funny…

Jack: It was funny William Jameson Blunderthall the Third, that’s why everybody
laughed.

Blue: The names Blue. And I wish you wouldn’t do that to him

Jack: Yea? Well okay I wish I could go back in time, catch your mother on the corner of
Georgia Avenue next to the bus stop and give her birth control so I would never have to
see your stupid ass face (pokes him on the forehead and walks off)
Let’s go to class Alice…

Blue: (Whispering) My mom has a car you idiot…

(Jack and Alice walk offstage. Blue walks down hall to next class, Creep is already
outside)

Blue: Hey…

Creep: Hey…

Blue: The penis game, eh?

Creep: I don’t know, I thought it would get her attention. It didn’t work.

Blue: Yea, I could kinda tell. (Creep obviously looks dejected) If it makes you feel any
better I showed Jack a thing or two in the hall after class.

Creep: You did?

Blue: Yeah, I told him he should buy birth control for himself, like back in time. So he
would never have to see me.

Creep: That doesn’t really make sense

Blue: Yea oh well it sounded better when I said it. (Bell rings) Ah and there’s the bell.
I’m late got learning to do, cya after school.

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(Blue runs off stage and Creep walks into next class)

ESOLteacher: Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to English as a second language class.

Everybody have a seat. Does anyone have anything to say before we start class?

Creep: I shouldn’t be in this class Mr. Queen. I speak English well.

ESOLteacher: Yes well you may think that, but it’s never as good as you think it is

Jack: That’s what she said (laughs. Jack and Wilson high five)

Creep: (grumbles) Not funny…

ESOLteacher: Creep! No personal attacks. That’s your warning.

Creep: But…

ESOLteacher: NO! Now it’s been a while since we’ve all been here as a class so lets go
around the room and say our names. Wilson lets start it with you, and then pass it around
the class.

Wilson: Wilson

Jack: Paulo

Creep: That’s not your name Jack.

Jack: Jack doesn’t translate to Spanish. My Spanish name is Paulo Creep!

ESOLteacher: Creep, would you mind heading back to the door and checking your
insensitivities? Or you could head right back outside and leave your opinions in your
locker. Im sure they’ll still be there for you after class. How do you know that’s not his
name? Because he doesn’t look like a Paulo?

Creep: Well I know because his name is not Paulo. His name is Jack.

ESOLteacher: Well you heard the man, his name doesn’t translate. You are to call him
Paulo.

Creep: Fine… Paulo.

ESOLteacher: Now let’s try this again.

Wilson: Wilson

Jack: Paulo

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Creep: Creep

Francois: Francois

Joche: Joche ov

Notchu : Notchu

Jack: Wait what was his name?

Creep: That’s notchu

Jack: That’s not me?

Creep: No that’s not you… Its notch… Stop it jack Im not playing this game.

Jack: Well fine. Whats his name

(Jack starts pointing, creep names off people)

Creep: Wilson, joche, jack, notchu, joche, Wilson, francois, Wils (Points to wrong
person) AH

Jack: HA!

Creep: This is ridiculous

(pointing)
Joche! Wilson!

Jack: Wait Joche or Jack?

Creep: Joche! I mean Jack. No wait, Paulo.

Jack: Joche?

Creep: NO! Joche OV! WILSON! (pronounced jack off Wilson)

Francois: HE SAID DO WHAT TO WILSON?

Wilson: s’cuse me?

Jack: Listen creep, you gotta keep those comments to yourself!

Creep: stop it all of you!

ESOLteacher: Creep, calm yourself!

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Creep: No Mr. Queen! That is francois! That is notchu!

Jack: me?

Creep: Not you!

Notchu: What?

Creep: Huh? No! him, not you (speaking to Notchu)

Notchu: WHAT?

Wilson: No, I think he means him. (pointing to Jack)

Francois: Me?

Wilson: No, not you. Him

Notchu: Why are you all doing this to me?!?

Creep: Jack, you son of a bit…

ESOLteacher: CREEP! stop this

Creep: I was not talking about you! (speaking to Notchu) I was talking about Francois
the whole time. NOT YOU!

Notchu: What? Do you think my name is funny!? Is it funny to make fun of me because
I do not speak English? Well screw you, Creep. You are unattractive, unintelligent,
overweight, and have the oratory grace of a rodent!

ESOLteacher: Creep Cook, you miscreant! You have incited CHAOS onto the peaceful
environment of my classroom!

Creep: Mr. Queen, this is stupid.

ESOLteacher: you think I’m stupid?

Creep: The class is stupid Mr. Queen. Not you

Notchu: Please Mr. Queen, make him stop. PLEASE stop.

ESOLteacher: OUT creep. Get out of my class and just go home!

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(Creep bumps into Alice as he enters the hall; their eyes meet awkwardly, then they both
continue walking and then scene ends)

Wmom: Oh Hey Sweetie, how was your day?

Alice: It was fine…

Wmom: Sit down for a snack sweetie. Oh where is your father. (with anger) He better
not be watching TV again. (yelling) RICKKKK!!

Wdad: (annoyed) WHAT?

Wmom: Get away from the TV and come eat with your family!

Wdad: 3:30 to 4 pm weekdays… Cops!

Alice: Mom don’t bother him, Cops is his favorite show. You know how into that show
he gets

Wmom: Hes bullshitting sweetie (Pulls out and checks TV guide) Heyy RICKKK! (like
the “its Johnny” line from the Shining)

Wdad: WHAT!?!?

Wmom: (Reading off TV guide) Cops 4-30 to 5 weekdays. Its 3:53 you lying sack of
shit!

Wdad: (Grumbling) God damnit… (Yelling), why cant you just leave me alone?

Wmom: Are you cheating on me?

Wdad: what???

Wmom: (saying slowly) ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME!

Wdad: (Pauses) Im in the living room. How the HELL could I be cheating on you! As a
matter of fact, yes I am cheating on you. Her name is Kathy. Shes a mute invisible
whore!

Wmom: Shut up! And come eat your food.

Wdad: (enters room) One of these days woman…

Wmom: Sit down (they all sit down and start eating)

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Alice: So how was work dad?

Wdad. (grumbling) bad…

Alice: well, why?

Wdad: I don’t wanna talk about it… (Sound like a little kid who just had a bad day)

Wmom: tell your daughter about your day Rick.

Wdad: Fine. Well I was supposed to make this pitch for a building design to a big client
of ours. They had me drive out two hours to the building site with the blueprints. Waited
in the middle of nowhere for another hour and the assholes never showed. It was the
worst day ever! I woke up and at the foot of my bed was a beautiful rainbow. And at the
end of this rainbow was my commission. I followed this rainbow out to nowhere and at
the end of the rainbow was a little leprechaun. I smiled and I asked the leprechaun about
my commission. He promptly kicked me in the balls, and took 20 dollars out of my wallet
for gas money. It SUCKED (Smacks table knocking food all over)

Wmom: Well what the hell rick!

(Arguments overlapping)
Wdad: you haven’t done anything in this house! it’s still as dirty as it was when I left in
the morning!
Wmom: You clumsy fat ass! You always ruin everything I do in this house, that’s why I
never make anything nice anymore!

Alice: (Gets up from dinner throws her hands up in futility and leaves)

(End of scene)

(Creep enters home with blue. Family is already sitting down to dinner)

Creep: Hey family. Another terrible day at Midland high school. Today I got kicked out
of class because…

Bsis: (Interjecting) Shut your ass up.

Bbro: You think we care?

Creep: …I have feelings you know

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Bbro: Yea? Well I got feelings too and I’m feeling pretty hungry right now. Dad where’s
the food?

Bdad: Don’t rush your mother! (Out loud) Is the food almost ready Eunice?

Bmom: One second. Almost done!

Bsis: So blue, whats up?

Blue: Well…

Bdad: Damn, shut your ass up. The girl greets you and you give her your life story.
Come into my house talking all that…

Bmom: (pokes head in) Creep! Blue! Can you get in here and help me with the food
(Blue and creep leave stage to help)

Bdad: So son who’s big man on campus these days at school?

Bbro: That’s Jack dad.

Bdad: JACK? Eh? See now we gotta find some way to get that boy to talk to my boy.
You all, I’m not worried about. Him? Just something about him is different from all of
us.

Bbro: I know what you mean dad

Bdad: Look I’m gonna talk to this jack kid, give me his number after dinner. I’ll call his
parents up and set up a play date. If creep starts associating with those kind of kids hell
become like those kinds of kids. He can run the school like his pops used to. And like his
little brother who’s well on the way.

(Mom Comes in with food)

Bmom: Dinners ready!!

(grunts of approval as everyone starts eating)

Bmom: Creep why aren’t you eating?

Creep: The alien doesn’t want any human food…

Bmom: Honey what are you talking about?

Creep: I just don’t get it. I just want you all to like me!

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Bbro: Creep. Do us all a favor and. Shut…your ass up. Mom this food is real good

Creep: How did you all even have me? Do you realize I’m the only one who’s…

Bsis: Gay?
(table chuckles)
Creep: NO! haven’t you noticed… I look different. You all hate me because of it.

Bbro: Creep…

Bdad: I got this one. Can everybody give me a moment alone with creep. (everyone but
creep leaves)
Son… now I get it. Your white. We’re not. How it happened I will never know. I didn’t
believe it when I saw it. but you’re a blessing. You’re healthy, and you’re my son. Im
never gonna know how your skin came out different from everyone else’s.

Creep: what if mom…

Bdad: Now that’s the first thing I thought! I took your mother to Maury…twice. And
you’re my boy. Ill never know how. But all it is a color creep. Boy I’ve raised you to see
the world beyond that business. Don’t let color be a barrier between you and your family.
Its got nothing to do with your color, we just don’t wanna hear about all the stuff that you
talk about. Alright? ... Everybody you can come back in (everybody enters)

Creep: Aw… thanks a million. (bear hugs dad)

Bdad: GOD DAMNIT BOY! There you go again. Sit your ass down, eat your damn
food!

Bbro: creep we don’t hate you. Theres just times you need to shut the hell up

Blue: Um.. I don’t mean to ruin the moment.

Bdad: you’re not

Blue: Good because well its 7:00 and we have a raid to get to
(Creep perks up and looks frantic because he’s going to be late to the raid)

Bsis: Like a panty raid?

Blue: World of warcraft. It’s when you enter a dungeon with overwhelming force and
slaughter the inhabitants for gold, treasure, and glory. (mid line dad looks down and
shakes head)

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Creep: Oh god, we’re gonna be late. Gotta go mom, dad! Thanks for dinner, luv ya! (As
he runs from the table he accidentaly grabs a handful of the tablecloth, throwing the
entire dinner off the table onto the floor.) (use a box of chicken and paper plates)

(Everyone yells at creep as he runs) (Dad just puts head down on the table)
(End of Scene)

Creep: Blue? Blue?

Blue: Roger Creep, Im here

Creep: Good, alright let’s get this raid going. Dinner ran over. At 7:30 the gnome’s
village awakens. Its 7:17 we have a 13 minute window of opportunity or our element of
surprise dissipates.

Blue: Alright. Approach initiated. I can almost see the Wormwood on the horizon. Cast
true shot aura and (surprise) HEY! Somebody’s already here!

Creep: Rats… open up chat communications. Summon a felguard to let them know we
mean business.

Blue: Hail, orcish beast! We planned a raid on the gnome town of Wormwood. You seem
to have already single handedly decimated at least half of our targeted victims. Offer all
of your winnings as a stipend as to quench our thirst for animated blood.

Alice: (laughs off threat) You speak in jest sir. If you were anything other than a rookie
you would know that it is common knowledge that the boar town of Wormwood sleeps
every day from 7-7 30. I was waiting on the Eagle’s Perch watching the town 30 minutes
ago. I waited for the sleeping animation to start.

Creep: I know that voice…

Blue: Wha? Creep maintain decorum! If you fail to meet our demands you will be
crushed!

Alice: Your threat falls far short of its intended intimidation. It withers and squirms to a
premature death at my feet. Your appearance betrays your threats. You are two level 22
gnomes.

Blue: Silence. Your tongue may be cunning. But words are no match for steel. Prepare
for battle!

Alice: HA!

Blue: Laugh now but cry forever after!

11
Creep: (like he just remembered something on the tip of his tongue) Alice!!

Alice: wh... How do you know my name gnome?

Creep: (Really excited to find Alice) I go… (quietly..nerves set in.) To your school

Alice: Whoa no way! Who are you??

Creep: Ohh uhh, HA I’m greg Johnson. The hot older senior.

Alice: Umm, I don’t think so

Creep: (Deepening voice) No, I am!

Alice: Well if you are, how’s your basketball game going? The one that started 15
minutes ago?

Blue: no platonic exchanges with the enemy! You must pay with your life for..

Creep: Blue stop, okay Alice. I’m not Greg. I’m…Creep.

Alice: Ha, oh well awkward meeting here on World of Warcraft.

Creep: Well, yea. A little bit. Don’t you do cheerleading?

Alice: No way. Way to prissy. I am driven to play video games by the same inspiration
that fuels every gamer’s obsession. The lack athletic talent to actually do these things in
real life. World of Warcraft is really the only place where I can run, shoot, and jump and
not be picked last. This is just a place where people treat me right.

Creep: Haha. That’s pretty funny.

Blue: Demon woman. Not only have you laid waste to our raid of Wormwood, but now
you lie out of your teeth. Sharp teeth ridden with the remains of nerds that you and Jack
have consumed. Jack and Alice form a deadly duo who devastate the emotional state of
the people whom they deem inferior. Jack and Alice walk down those school halls
together, with the feet of giants, stomping the hopes and dreams of mice and men who
tread about them. Regardless of our hopelessness, or our inability to combat, or of our
feelings!
Oh look there’s Blue and Creep the cute little water striders. There they are, scooting
across the peaceful brook. Disturbing none. Enjoying all. But alas over yonder beckons
Alice and Jack. Two unruly dinosaurs with fire burning in their eyes, hell bent on
destroying the water striders serene existence!

Creep: I don’t know about all that Blue…

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Alice: No… I understand. I know. I go along with his jokes. Even when it’s hurting you
or anyone for that matter. It’s just. Oh you know it’s easier to laugh with someone then to
have them laughing at you. If everyone knew I played World of Warcraft Lich King
expansion pack and had a level 80 warlock well…

Creep: Then what? They would group you in as one of us? You know its not that bad
being one of us...

Alice: I…

Blue: (Interjecting) This association with the enemy has begun to aggravate me! T
minus 1 minute until I attack by myself

Creep: Alice it’s your senior year. Next year will anybody care about how that Alice girl
played world of warcraft? You do things for yourself Alice. And if Jack makes fun of
you, then screw him... you shouldn’t feel bad for doing things you like to do. And there
are always people who are going to enjoy the same things you enjoy. Do you know what
furries are?

Alice: no

Creep: look it up sometime. I know it’s hard sometimes when people beat you down. Be
strong and just do the things you love. Your pursuit of happiness shouldn’t be hampered
by some assholes ego. Life is about finding the things that make you happy.

Alice: well... I play world of warcraft for like… 3 or 4 hours a night. That makes me
happy.

Creep: How do you even have time for that…?

Alice: …I dunno

Creep: well… (Avoiding awkwardly lengthy pause) it’s great! Do that. But there are
probably other more productive things you could find that you also like. Something that
bears more fruit than working on your world of warcraft character… something like
writing or…

Alice: I have five of them

Creep: What?

Alice: I have five characters in world of warcraft.

Creep: Well Jesus. That’s a lot of characters Alice

Alice: I know…

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Creep: … And that’s great! 5 characters in world of Warcraft! Just focus on the things
that make you happy! Not pleasing Jack by going along with his jokes. And one day,
once your comfortable we can work on you making people happy for the right reasons.

Alice: (laugh) yea, that sounds great.

Blue: Excuse me lovebirds, but this is REDICULOUS! I’m attacking. CHARGE!

Creep: Does he realize its 7:32? The town woke up two minutes ago.

Alice: Nope… He’s gonna die.

Blue: Guys help! The town has awakened!

Creep: should we help him?

Alice: Nope, I don’t wanna ruin the moment

Blue: Guys help! Wormwood awakened! They’re swarming! There are so many of
them!!

(End Of Scene)

SS Teacher: Alright, alright class. Sit down. Welcome to another day of social sciences
class. TGIF eh? (silence) okay then. We’re going to start off class with your projects on
something you could spend the rest of your life doing. Let your passion coalesce with our
respective passions, and let’s just have a passionate class. Alright kids?… okay then any
volunteers for first?… none? None? Bueler? Well Jack why don’t you come up here and
give it a shot

Jack: nah, Im good teach

SS Teacher: Aw c’mon jack. Please, give it a shot.

Jack: ughh… alright (trudges up)

SS Teacher: GREAT (claps quickly and excessively)

Jack: my project is called the anatomy of the inferior. The inferior being those less
physically able to perform in the daily life of a high schooler. As my data shows, the
inferior lacks an average of four inches in height and 20 pounds when compared to the
average human being. You may be wondering, whats being done to stop the influx of
inferiors into our society? Well historically, great leaders have built societies that cater to
the strong and the weak have died out. But there have been recent trends that have made
life easier for those with deficiencies. Websites like E-harmony, and Yahoo personals

14
have given the genetically ungifted a method of communication and a way to find mates.
Luckily with the economic crisis the inferiors have spent less time on facebook and
dating sites communicating. If the economic drought continues long enough, hopefully
habits that shun the inferiors will develop within this generation’s lifespan. With any
amount of luck, future generations down the line will learn to disown the outcasts…

Blue: Hey Ya!

Jack: (silence) (angry) What did you just say?

Blue: well because of Outcast I said…

SS Teacher: Can you keep your mouth shut Blue. Jack is presenting on an interesting
subject. Please continue Jack

Jack: So… recent trends in high school suggest a brighter future. The physically superior
develop a male dominance in middle school when puberty hits. Those who develop this
superiority boast an aptitude for social relationships where as inferior’s development
remains static. By high school the inferiors have given up on having friends or ever
reproducing. A new study by Wilson (points to friend in the back of class) suggests that
in 2008 there was a four percent drop in reproduction among 30 to 40 year olds who had
above a 3.5 grade point average in high school. In conclusion…our fortunes are bright.
Well most of ours (stares at Blue)

SS Teacher: (Claps) Very nice job Jack. Not quite on subject but Jack and his social
revelations never cease to push back the frontiers of ignorance! Dazzling presentation.
Next up, any volunteers? (Blue’s hand shoots up) Any other volunteers? … Please? Well
I guess its time for our weekly taste of Blunderthology. William get up here.

Blue: Yes! (walks to front of class). Alright. This week my highlighted area of study is
paranormal studies. Now there are three creatures Im going to focus our telescope into
my world on. Can I get a drum roll some body! (Silence) alrighttt (Gives himself drum
roll) Bigfoot, the lochness monster, and the basalisk! In that order. Respectively. Any
questions?

Jack: Why don’t you kill yourself?

SSTeacher: Now Jack, lets stay kosher

Blue. Moving on as I choose to ignore that question. Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch
is omnivorous and primarily nocturnal. The creature ranges between 6 and 10 feet or 1.8
to 3 meters for all you metricentrics out there. Bigfoots weigh an estimated 500 pounds,
and are covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair. While there have been Bigfoot
sightings across the nation, only Montana has the honor of calling itself home to the
MOST bigfoot sightings. Now I know you all are wondering what about the Patterson-
Gimlin Film? Well while many experts have dismissed the ape in the video as a man in a

15
suit, scientists have noticed that the way the bigfoot turns its hips when it walks in the
video is impossible for a human to imitate. What really ticks me off is that the scientific
community refuses to recognize Bigfoot as a real animal. Until one is captured dead or
alive it will remain a cryptid.
(Jack starts throwing paper balls at Blue)
And the worst (dodge) part is how…bigfoot. (dodge)
Ms. Swiatoha can you stop this.

SSteacher: Yes I can… Blue sit down

Blue: but I’m not done.

SSteacher: You went over the exact same material last week blue. The EXACT same
material.

Blue: Benefactor Swiatoha,

(Blue ignores next comment continues speaking)
SSteacher: That’s not my name

Blue: The school does not recognize the studies of paranormal creatures in its lesson
plans. People need to know!

Jack: Ms. Swiatoha pardon my language, but who gives a shit about Bigfoot

Blue: look Jack maybe you might not care about cryptids but others might and you
should respect…

Jack: No Blue! No! do you know what Blunderthology is? It’s the study of things
nobody gives a shit about! (everybody laughs) You get up there pants up to your nipples
every week (Ms. Swiatoha starts laughing) and tell us about these things nobody cares
about! Everyone laughs at your blunderthology! Nobody takes the loch ness monster
seriously William Jameson Blunderthal. Nobody takes you seriously!

Blue: (obviously hurt) Its not true! NO! I’LL GET YOU BACK JACK! WHEN YOU
LEAST EXPECT IT! SLEEP WITH TWO EYES OPEN!

(Bell rings. Class leaves. Blue runs out as bell rings)

Alice: Jack that is not okay.

Jack: Uhh what are you talking about?

Alice: Do NOT do that to blue. He is a nice kid. You made him run away. Don’t you
ever…

16
Jack: Excuse you? Alice you don’t tell me what to do. The kid was up there talking
about ghosts and monsters.

Alice: Im not gonna let you beat up on people like that anymore. If you want to be
friends with me...

Jack: Do you honestly think I am gonna put up with THIS? Hell no, if you’re gonna act
like this I’ll dip. I’ve got other friends. What the hells wrong with you?

(A boy walks by holding binders. Jack sticks his foot out and makes the boy stumble)

Alice: What the hells wrong with me? It’s what the hells wrong with you! you’re an
asshole jack. There is nothing wrong with believing in 9 foot ape men! Nothing! You
believe that people enjoy you, and that has less evidence to support its existence then
Bigfoot does.

Creep: (walks in) what did I miss…

Jack: You stay out of this

Creep: (turns around starts walking back out) Yes sir

Alice: No, creep get your half black ass back here. (pause) you’re a bully Jack. You’re
the kid people are terrified to see at school because of the ridicule and embarrassment
you cause them.

Jack: Alice, why are you standing up for THEM. Not everybody is equal. That’s a lie
they feed you in school. I know Im better, and I thought you were too. Now I’m not so
sure.

Alice: You are just so demented Jack. Creep gets better grades then you, is nicer then
you, and is better looking than you. How are you better than him Jack? Is it because you
smack nerds binders down when you pass them in the halls? Are you better than me too
Jack? Are you better then me because I watch Buffy the vampire slayer reruns
afterschool?

Jack: Alice DON’T…

Alice: No jack its my turn. You know I cried when the Star Wars: Episode One came out!
May 19, 1999 marks the death of George Lucas as a director. Am I an inferior because I
play world of warcraft?

Jack: No! YOU play world of warcraft?

Creep: Yea and shes damn good at it!

17
Alice:Yea and im damn good at it

Creep: Shes DAMN good at it.

Alice: Okay stop

Creep: Alright

(awk silence)

Alice: Yes, Jack. I play world of warcraft.

Jack: Alice… Alice… I don’t hate these things. I just hate the people that do them.

Alice: Your hopeless. Creep lets go to my house. And play WORLD OF WARCRAFT

Jack: Alice don’t…

(Alice does talk to the hand motion and walks away)

Creep: please… (does same hand motion and follows Alice)

(End of Scene)

(Lights remain off)

Alice: So here it is, Casa de Alice.

Creep: I never thought id be inside of it… It was always there. Just seemed kinda…
forbidding.

Alice: Not many people ever get the honor creep. How does finally defeating your
inhibitions and getting that forbidden fruit feel? And I know its dirty in here. It just gets
stuffed full of everything we can get our hands on.

Creep: It feels grand. Better than I thought it would. But your not joking, its kinda a tight
squeeze in here.

Alice: Eh, You’ll get used to it.

Creep: Well I mean it’s nice that it doesn’t carry a heavy stench of chicken.

Alice: Yours smells like chicken?

Creep: You have no idea

18
Alice: Let me get the lights. (turn lights on) hey... it kinda sounds like we were just
talking about anal.

Creep: huh?? (Surprised)

Alice: like… butt sex.

Creep: Oh... I didn’t even mean, I just messed up my, I mean, I just missed my…

Alice: It probably started with a miss anyways… no problem, happens all the time. Get
me that laptop over there. Time to get to business.

Creep: Sure, its nothing anal… Alice... (awk silence) (gives laptop)
(creep looks slightly terrified as awk silence continues and alice logs onto computer)

Alice: Gonora realm. get on.

Creep: (snaps out of awk tension trance) Oh Gonora? Okay

Alice: All right. Your gonna wanna get your warlock gnome again, ive been leveling my
Elf Bloodmage. Demonsoul. ill use him. I think you will be pleasantly suprised by the
progress Demonsoul has undergone in the last oh... 12 hours or so.

Creep: Yea my gnome really doesn’t have much going for it.

Alice: Hey if it likes being a gnome that’s good right? That’s YOUR logic remember?…
So I finally did it thanks to you. What’d you think of me sticking it to Jack today?

Creep: …I thought it was great. I didn’t know you had it in you. I don’t think it was
essential to tell him those things about you. You know, how George Lucas dieing to you
in 1997.

Alice: May 19, 1999. The release of Star Wars Episode 1. Jar-Jar was a joke. Or like that
I used to hide glue paste in my sandwiches when I was in preschool. So I could eat it
without everybody making fun of me.

Creep: What? You did not say that at all

Alice: Well I did. I used to throw away my lunch every morning at school and stow two
smushed up pieces of bread from home in my back pocket all day until lunch. Stuff em
full of paste, and scarf em down.

Creep: Like, are you serious?

Alice: …

19
Creep: Oh I get it, the silence makes me dumb. You made up a story and the silence tells
me I believed it. Okay.

Alice: I wasn’t joking… Anyways Jack had it coming. I just needed that you know…
Extra boost of confidence. You talking to me just gave me that push. So… Thanks.

Creep: It was really nothing. I always felt like you were a good person. I mean whenever
we talked without anyone else around you seemed so nice. Just around other people you
faded. And you and I are just great for each…

Alice: WHAT?

Creep: I didn’t mean it in a creepy way. Alice I didn’t mean…

Alice: DAMN! My laptops dead…. Let me get the charger

(Creep lets out a large sigh) (charger is located right under creeps seat. Alice gets on
knees and is digging with her hands under creep’s seat and looks up to creep to ask a
question. She looks like she is performing oral sex)
Earlier when I said the butt sex thing, you called me anal didn you?

Creep: (embarrassed kinda stretches and throws his head back) WELLL
(Dad enters with wife trailing. Wife doesn’t get inside before Dad sees)
Wdad: Hey Alice were… OH GOD. (Sees creep and alice. Thinks alice is performing
oral sex) Heaven’s Balls! (turns around to wife) No HONEY! turn around. Do not go in
that house! NO! (Creep runs off stage in other direction (window if available))

Wmom: Whats going on?!? ARE YOU IN THERE WITH ONE OF YOUR SKANKS
ALICE?!!? (turning to dad) What was she doing?!?!

Wdad: AH… OH… GOD it was terrible. She was bamboozling him! (panting for air)

Wmom: NOT IN MY HOUSE (enters house with one hand over eyes, one hand
reaching out) how many partners do you have in here!!

Alice: None mom!

Wmom: Is everybody clothed?

Alice: YES! Theres nothing going on mom!

Wdad: Your father doesn’t wanna hear that shit (comes in with one hand out, one hand
over his eyes)

Wmom: Mother doesn’t like it when Rick speaks in 3rd person. You KNOW that irritates
me (takes hands off eyes and stares at dad)

20
Wdad: (takes hands off eyes) You know what! Your starting to piss me off! I played
football in college. I could have been with any woman I wanted. Yet I in my youthful
haste chose the Mount Vesuvius of PMS!

WMom: Well back in MY youth… I thought it would be romantic if we were married

out in the country, by a farm. Just like my grandparents were. Who knew on my wedding
day they switched my groom with one of the pigs!

WDad: Oh, well now everybody, would you look at that, Jenny Craigs got jokes. Do you
hide them in between your rolls of cellulite? Or does slim fast put jokes under the caps of
their drinks now?

WMom: No… I just have a lot of time to think to myself during the 2 minute repeated
poking that you refer to as making love… The Enzytes not working honey, Whats the
matter Bob? Not in the mood to smile anymore?

WDad: Sometimes, you know I wish you had just tripped on the aisle and broken your
jaw irreparably so that I would never have to hear your nagging or stupid jokes EVER.
(Alice attempts to sneak out) Where do you think your going Alice? Get back here, and as
for you. Ill finish you later.

WMom: (mumbles) Ha, ive heard that enough times.

WDad: Honey, I need to know before I call this boys parents…

Alice: (interjecting) Your calling his parents?!?

WDad: Alice stop. I need to know. Where you in my house with an unwanted intruder
giving lettuce…

Alice: ...What? Lettuce?

WMom: Lettuce? I can’t be in here (wanders away covering ears)

WDad: Don’t play dumb with me, I know what the kid are calling it. Lettuce! Head!

Alice: Dad NO! Please stop! I wasn’t doing anything!

WDad: (ignores pleading) Im calling this boys parents. What was his name?

WMom: (uncovers ears, whirls around, and yells with unexpected anger) What were
their names tramp!

Alice: MOM!

21
WDad: Honeyyy.. (showing dissaproval)

Alice: There was one boy over, we weren’t doing anything! And his name is Creep Cook.

WDad: I cant see you right now Alice, Go to your room, we will discuss this later. Im
calling his parents and arranging a sit down talk with them. Don’t think you’re off the
hook.
(Exit Alice)

WMom: (Pins dad against wall, stares into his eyes, slaps him) It’s so hot when you talk
to me like that! (With disturbing intensity) Remember our wedding day; you couldn’t
even wait until the limo pulled out to start with me? The driver put up his window and
turned the music up real high to drown out the noise… (Twirling his hair)

WDad: well yea I remember...

WMom: Take me, farm animal (Falls into his arms)

(End of Scene)

Creep: Hey…dad where is everybody?

Bdad: I got a call today creep

Creep: umm… about what?

Bdad: Well my boy. (puts arm around his son Seems you were at a girls house.
Receiving romain from a young lady.

Creep: dad no…

Bdad: Creep stop (holds hand up to stop him from talking) when you’re with a woman;
always use protection. And when you know you love that woman, and you have her in
your clutches. You look her in the eyes and you just sing “loving you is easy cus your
beautiful”

Creep: Dad!

Bdad: No creep, this needs to happen! You let it all go. you stroke your hands through
her hair and you give her everything you’ve got. (with added vigour) Creep, you show
that woman where you got the last name cook. CREEP COOK you put that woman in a
wheelchair! As you’re the sweat…

22
Creep: IM GAY!

Bbro: (Popping out from behind corner) I knew it. Queer!

Bdad: Boy don’t use that word in my house!! Now what the hell are you talking about
Creep?

Bbro: That mans gay dad, I KNEW it. I seen yo Nsync poster! Left a coldplay album in
the bathroom!

Bdad: Go to your room, I don’t wanna hear…

Creep: STOP IT! Im not gay. Im not gay… I just wanted you to stop.

Bdad: … Boy (Referring to Bbro)get your ass outta here, and go tell your mom to get
everything ready (say overly suspiciously. Bbro leaves room) Son Im just trying to help
you out. The locking eyes, the song, the wheelchair… Just tricks my dad passed down to
me.

Creep: Please just...don’t. Dad. Nothing even happened. Her dad walked in when she
was picking up a laptop charger. Her parents are crazy we were fully clothed.

Bdad: oh…no…someone better tell your mother…

(Ding Dong)

Bmom: Ill get it

Bdad: Eunice wait!

(opens door at the door is alice’s family)

Bmom: Theyre here!

Bdad: OH its so nice to finally meet you all.

Wmom: Its wonderful to meet you all too… (Smiles. Exchanges hugs) I really don’t
mean to be rude. But we were under the impression that this was going to be a serious
conversation between us. The dinner tables set up. The familys here. Whats going on?

Bdad:… (Interjecting before Bmom tells that they are throwing a party for Creep and
Alice’s romantic interactions) Were just having a big celebration of life over here!

Bbro: your daughter…

23
Bdad: (Interjecting again) Is a wonderful woman. No more words everybody lets just sit
down and celebrate life! (Everyone moves to sit down. Wmom and Wdad linger near
door)

Wmom: (Whispering) Rick I don’t know whats going on. What the fuck is a celebration
of life and who are these people.

Wdad: I don’t know. Stay close.

Bmom: Heres a seat. If you all have any needs don’t hesitate to cause a ruckus. Our wine
cabinet is your wine cabinet. Our facilities are your facilities. Our VEGTABLES are your
vegetables EH?

Wdad: …Quite

Bbro: Dad just got a text you might want to see

(hands over phone)

Bdad: Oh... OH!… now I have an announcement. For this momentous occasion. Erm,
celebration of life I invited over someone who’s going to be like a big brother to some
members of the family. He is an honorary Cook. I would you all to treat him as family…
Creep. Would you get the door with me.

(Creep gets up they walk away from table to door)

Bdad: Son this is my present to you. A mentor, if you will

(Open door. Jack is standing there with his arms out)

Jack: MISTER COOK! (Exchange hugs)

Bdad: Well here he is! Your new big brother. What do you think?

Creep: Why is HE HERE!

Bdad: Now my son. This is going to be a change but if your ever gonna reach your
potential you need tutelage. Padawan meet your new master. Haha! Its Star wars Creep,
your favorite (nudges him)…Alright well ill leave you too alone. Exchange pleasantries
and meet us back at the table when your ready. This is great Jack. Thank you so much

Jack: No problem… Dad.

(dad walks away)

Creep: Jack what the hell are you doing in my house… Im gonna tell them…

24
Jack: You stole her from me Creep. You turned her against me. Im going to make your
life HELL. And as for this whore. When I find her, Im gonna ruin her too.

(Pushes Creep aside, continues to dinner table)

(Creep after a moment returns to the table)

Alice: Jack… (makes eye contact with creep)

Bdad: So Jack… still running the school?

Jack: You know it paps. And ive been helping out creep over here a little bit too. They
tell me to show a little humility but its safe to say we wouldn’t be having this party
without me.

Bdad: Haha! Really? You set this up? (Bdad has completely forgotten that nothing
happened between Alice and Creep) Aww I knew it you little rascal! I had a sneaking
suspicion you were behind this.

Jack: Oh you know me too well. (Staring at creep)

Bsis: (implying they need to get the cake) HEY MOM HOW ABOUT WE GO IN THE
KITCHEN!

Bmom: (understanding message) OH YES! THERE ARE MATTERS WE MUST

ATTEND TO IN THE KITCHEN

Jack: So… where is she?… The woman that made creep a man.

Bbro: Right here!

Wdad: MY DAUGTER??

(Mom comes in holding cake with a head of lettuce on it)

Bmom Bsis Bbro: Happy BJ to you! Happy BJ to you! Happy BJ dear (mixture of creep
and alice) HAPPY BJAYY TO YOOOUUU!!

Wdad: (Smacking the table and getting up) THIS PARTY IS CELEBRATING MY
DAUGHTER GIVING YOUR SON HEAD?!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Jack: ALICE? MY ALICE??!?!

(Alice runs away)

Creep: No Alice! (Chases after her)

25
Bdad: This is all a big misunderstanding!

Wmom: OH HELL NO (Pulling up sleeves)!

Bbro: (running away) My name aint Toby!! (Very racist line. Avoid usage if audience is
not in the mood for it.)

(End of scene)

(Creep catches Alice)

Alice: What the fuck Creep! What the fuck was that!?

Creep: Alice Im so sorry.

Alice: NO! You pretended to be this great guy and now you do this?! Your WORSE then
Jack. Why creep? Why are you doing this to me…

Creep: Alice, I promise you that wasn’t my doing. Im so sorry that happened in there,
but that wasn’t me! I would never let that happen to you Alice.

Alice: I don’t understand! I don’t understand what the fuck that was in there then. You
told your parents to throw a god damned party and invite my parents?!?

Creep: No alice. No. I just got home and they had dinner all set up, my brother was
congratulating me, there was a head of lettuce on a cake. I tried to stop it. Please believe
me.

Alice: Creep. Were ruined. My parents. Your parents. They’re gonna kill us. Or
eachother…

Creep: Hold onto me. (Very creepily) When times are rough; Alice hold on to me. I
promise we will get through this. All you need is me.

Alice: Creep…

(Jack appears and throws Creep to the floor)

Jack: You piece of shit. You pathetic disgusting piece of shit. Im gonna kill you right
here. ALICE IF YOU TOUCH ME!… (Turning to creep) you messed with me?!? ME?!?
Do you know who I am? IM JACK FUCKING BRYANT! (Blue sneaks up behind the
entranced jack) And you touch my Alice?!? You’re an inferior creep! You’re so lucky I
haven’t crushed you. Tonight you learn your lesson! Don’t EVER! FUCK! WITH…

26
(Blue roars his name while announcing his presence. Blue is wearing a red cape and
carrying a wooden plank that has been split so that it will break in half when it strikes
Jack. Upon yelling, Blue throws a weighed net over Jack, knocking him to the ground)

Blue: William Jameson Blunderthall the Third, BITCH!

Creep: BLUE!

Jack: WHAT THE FUCK kind of… A NET?!? A FUCKING NET?! YOUR CRAZY!
YOUR MAD!

Blue: Mad… (silently) im mad……. (yelling) I. AM… BLUNDERTHALL! (Breaks the

wooden plank on jack, knocking him out)

Blue: Shouldn’t a called me mad…

(Alice runs and hugs creep)

Creep: Blue… You seriously have been watching too many movies, but dude I love you.

Blue: All in a days work… Now there are other injustices I must attend to. You two stay
out of trouble! Oh and watch the PDA. UP, UP and away! (runs off stage)

(Alice and Creep release hug)

Alice: Creep, you’re a great friend.

Creep: Alice… I love you.

Alice:…What?

Creep: I love you

Alice: Oh….

(End of Play)

27
Cast list

Creep: A kind boy often struck down by unfortunate timing and poor social grace.

Alice: The pretty girl in high school. Has a sort of awkward comedy, and is unsure of herself.

Jack: The large, popular jock at school with a napoleon complex. Has a twisted vision of social
hierarchies.

Blue: stalwart friend and loyal World of Warcraft player. Holds a deep dislike of Jack and Co.

SS teacher: Overly enthusiastic, but serious about her teachings. Flashes seriousness when she feels a
classroom rule has been broken.

Esol teacher: Uninteresting and Monotonous. Sets an itinerary for his classes and only interjects
when the class gets off track.

Wmom: Beautiful mother with a split personality. Sweetest woman in the world to her daughter and
acquaintances, but has very strong feelings of passion and anger towards her husband. She, however,
does enjoy her husband.

Wdad: Fat and lazy. Enjoys sitting around doing nothing. Level headed, doesn’t often get angry.
Anger is apparent when he is angry.

Bdad: Absolute king of his family’s happenings. Blue collar working man proud of his family.

Bmom: Quiet and loving towards family.

Bbro: Funny kid with broken English whom has a strong lack of interest in creeps life.

Bsis: Same as Bbro.

Wilson: Jack’s best friend. Quiet, with no motivations of his own. Big kid.

Notchu: A heavily accented foreigner with a strong temper.

Joche: Foreigner

Francois: Foreigner

28