So as you both are fully aware that I cannot function as a working individual in my current

state; as much as I've tried.

I write this in a state of alcohol inebriation. It's the only time these days I can really "talk."
Mom, Dad, you know what I'm talking about eactly. I'm vocal about my feelings when I'm drunk. I
avoid you both often during this state, however, because I have a !ervading sense of drunken "aura"
surrounding me... you can sense when I'm drunk even though I am trying to hide it. "hether it's my
breath, my dimeanor, I dunno. #ut I know that you see through that; I know you know I'm drinking,
as much as a facade assert in hiding it.
$he to!ic of this memo is about my state of life. I'm at a !oint where I am in a !er!etual state
of going against the grain. I want a change but I'm scared to make the %um!. I'm gung&ho when I'm
inebriated, then conse'uentially reserved and generally negative about all as!ects of life in general
when I am not. I know you don't really understand but I am shifting through a !er!etual dichotomal
mode of inebriation and de!ression. (ou've seen it, you both can tell. During inebriation I am
!erfectly content messaging !eo!le, being on facebook, !laying games, and talking on my !hone.
During de!ression !hases you'll usually find me couch&locked watching some random netfli series.
"hen I'm drunk, I'm generally somewhat alive, ha!!y, and unaware of my affliction. "hen
I'm sober I'm tired, down, and somewhat negligatory of my affliction..$his is a result of binge
drinking, however.
During a ty!ical week I'll work a few days without any kind of inebriation. )n my "weekend"
or cou!le days off, I'll buy a *+,ml %ar of -ibley's brand -in. I'll drink half of it on an evening, during
which I'll take to writing s!iritual advise for !eo!le on the website www.reddit.com. (ou can find
each and every !ost I've made on this anonymous forum under my handle "elderos."
htt!s.//www.reddit.com/user/elderos., and I em!lore you to read the works I've done. I'm !roud of
them...
0ither that, or I'll !lay the game Mount and #lade. 1as of late, it used to be Minecraft.2 I get
ecited and !lay these games as a "break" from my mental condition. "hen I withdraw from alcohol,
my story is sadly different, and you've seen it firsthand....
I go through severe withdrawal !eriods !eaking around Sunday. 3hysical withdrawals nowadays
consist of lack of slee!, de!ression, neural !athogenisis 1numbness is the legs, random muscle
s!asms, that kind of thing, due to the ends of neural networks being damaged.2 ""ater brain," ataia,
delerium tremens 1mom will see my hands uncontrollably trembling at times during a deto !eriod.
My head and %aw will also tremble if its very bad, usually triggered by aniety2
"4ow did this all start5"
I think it started after my break&u! with 0rin, yet I'm almost certain it began before that. 6ll I
remember about my first e!erience is that I binged for the first time ever in my life, in a weekend.
and I recorded 7 tracks on my htt!s.//soundcloud.com/analogdrift account. I made a music video on
youtube, "Su r r r ounds"htt!s.//www.youtube.com/watch5v8s(b""e9:S+; and got close to <,,
listeners' hits the first day, with a few blogs re!osting my tracks over the net few days. "why should
I sto!5" drinking !ro!elled my creativity and drive from the rut I was in. My emotions were creating
an aniety&drivin rut of !anic, and alcohol tem!orarily made it all sto!.
I began to binge every week, and soon I found myself in a hel!less !osition of constant
!hysical and mental withdrawal. I was having more and more fre'uent black&outs, and good friends
began to be less willing to go out with me on the weekends. My memory is shot, and the situation
com!ounds to a feeling of beeing the villiage idiot. I went from being the life of the !arty the the
shit&head of the !arty. So, fully knowing this because I'm actually not a shit&head, but a smart
individual, I withdrew. =ind of. I still go out with friends, but every time I do, I am literally and
consciously !unching myself in the face the net day for the idiot that I am.
$hat's my drinking story, and I want more than anything to end it. #ut most im!ortantly I
want to indulge to you my s!iritual story. It's a very !ersonal story that truly began all of this. It all
starts in my !ersonal story of...
3sychedelic drugs. (ou both have been uncomfortable in its rece!tion; I understand and
acce!t that. $he very notion of taking ">SD" is both scary and uncanny; the letters !rovoke fear,
unfamiliarity, and a kind of "not&a&to!ic&of&conversation" kind of thing. (ou won't even venture in
researching them, and everything you hear about them go through an oral filter that catagori?es
them as cra?e&inducing hallucinogens like I myself was taught in high school. "ell, I've taken a
variety of !syches... *c&i, *+i&@bome, >SD, Mushrooms, and most recently DM$. It's a fact of my
life that can never be taken back yet has to be dealt with. 0very single e!erience has been ama?ing;
ask me about a single detail of any of them and I will ha!!ily indulge. $hey've shown me as!ects of
my soul that are beautiful, as!ects that I aim at becomming some day. "hat those e!eriences in my
life have shown are a light at the end of the tunnel at this !oint. $hey are near&death e!eriences in
every way. Drinking, however, is !reventing me from even beginning to !ersue that goal.
$heres really been several !hases to my substance abuse life, so I'll try to break it down for you to
!ut rhyme to the reason.
A.6fter 6B:)$C field training, my sense of conse'uence was gone, for whatever reason I was
com!letely ok with e!erimentation. most notably cannabinoids such as D"4&,A;.
*.I drank the first time in my life in #arcelona, and again in Dordan. I didn't en%oy the e!eriences and
generally refrained. 6t that time I wasn't an alcoholic, and saw it as something I should take !art in
every once and a while. I drank again with @am Do when Barhana broke u! with me. 6gain, I didn't
like it because it turned my emotions to mush, at a time when I was literally crying myself to slee!
every day. "hat I would give to %ust cry once now...
7.6round the end of the !eriod of moving from @am's house to our house in Moore, I was still
heavily using cannabinoids, and the !sychedelic *c&i every weekend, until one day, I decided to
combine *c&i with the disassociative !sychedelic called "DEM," which is found in cough syru!. 1I
encourage you all to look u! and research these chemicals on the website www.erowid.com, and
read other "tri!" re!orts as to be further informed.2 $his is the time I'm sure you both remember me
having a sudden severe aniety, to the !oint where I had to ste! outside every few hours. I was
stressing about a !ossible brain tumor, stroke, etc etc. During this same time was o!en with you
both, for the first time in my life, about my drug usage.
F.6fter that, I recovered, moved in with Matt, I was genuinely ha!!y for the first time in my life. I
could... taste life again. I was rea'uainted with -od and my s!irituality, and we began develo!ing a
tasteful relationshi! together. 6rchitecture ins!ired me, and I generally felt like my life was going in a
good direction.
+.I began to date 0rin, and some time during this !eriod I began the habit of binge drinking. Dust a
month later, we broke u!, I think it was fall of *,AA. :obyn moved in, and things started getting
com!licated. During the time with them I would have random emotional tyrades from my !ost&
breaku! deal with 0rin.
G.0verything is %ust a de!ressing blur from this !oint, at the !oint I decided to binge, I suddenly
decided to %ust... not live. Sadly, I don't really have anything worth to write about it.
I e!ect it for you to see me as either a very mentally disturbed !erson or a schi?o!hrenic some
times, %ust for the fact that I've taken these drugs. I am in no way schi?oaffective or mentally
disturbed in my mind as a cause to these drugs. $he e!eriences from these substances have
!rofoundly influenced how I !erceive everything to a !oint where my s!iritual !erce!tion of the
universe is defined by the e!eriences themselves; before them I was a caged bird, and after I feel
s!iritually free.
$he Catch&** of this effect is, what ha!!ens when you set a domestic bird free from her cage5 6ll
her life, she's used to cages, being hand&fed, and %ust kind observes her world. Suddenly, set free, she
has an o!!ortunity to fly, hunt for her own food, and try to ada!t to the outside world. $his is how I
see my s!irituality. I'm not saying I'm some non&religious new age hi!!ie that %ust believes whatever
he hears as long as it has the words "'uantum" or "crystal" in it. I'm absolutely %oyous in that I found
the ancient Dewish 4ermetic tradition of the Habalah and ho!e to be more knowledgeable in it
someday. I finally have a goal, yet I've hurt myself so much that getting to that !oint is a bit of a
difficulty.
I'm not an atheist, yet I only follow a few "-olden :ules."
A.>ove, no matter what.
*.Silence is golden.
7.6s above, so below.
In terms of my !sychedelic voyages, I wish that you, Dad, were more o!en to them. $he one thing
on my bucket list is that I would !ortake in a !sychedelic voyage involving mushrooms with my own
son someday.
Every time I bring u! the to!ic of an esoteric s!iritual conce!t, of the afterlife, or of any ty!e of
conscious&shifting drug, you kind of %ust... look away. I understand; it's foreign, its scary, and there's
no reason to even flirt with the conce!t of its !ersonal !hiloso!hical im!lications.
(et, I want to !itch in a last&ditch effort in asking you, !ersonally, to have a carefully !lanned
!sychedelic tri! with me. 4ell, let's find an medically&safe shamanic 6yahuasca retreat within Costa
:ica. I know they're there. "hy wouldn't you go on one with me5 #ecause you feel as if you are
betraying certain theoso!hical !rece!ts within Christianity, and more so because you, %ust like any
human, have an inherent fear of death. "ell, if so, hold my hand and a!!roach the edge of life itself,
and let's fall from it together. In fact, I dare you to teach me, to convert me to your faith. "e have so
much that we need to s!iritually convey to eachother, and a !sychedelic e!erience can allow us to
teach eachother, I think.
(ou're almost G,, dad. I'm barely nearing my 7,s. I look at how grand!a Miles, your father, has lived
his s!iritual life, and I am so sad to say that... I see you going in a similar direction. 4e !er!etually
reads the bible yet it's brainwashed his soul here on earth. 4e is absolutely deleriousI $he only
grounding conce!t in his bi!olar dilirium is the fundamentalist version of Christianity. #ut you can
see it in him; whether its the cocktail of anti&!ychotic drugs he takes or some kind of self&created
!sychotic grandeur, you can tell that he is alone in his own !syche, his own consciousness. I see this
condition in you and I think 6unt 4a!!y had it as well. "e lock ourselfs inside ourselfs and that
becoms our affliction. "hen I talk with you, dad, I see a fantastical world that's unwilling to !resent
itself.
-randma 0dma reminds me so much of Mom, and -rand!a miles reminds me so much of you. I'm
concerned... (ou're not vocal, yet you're tra!!ed in your own world
"e've become so far a!art, and yet we were so close when I was a teen, and a kid. I know you love
me, and I love you too, and it tears me a!art the way we look at eachother now. "e're both so
callus, we're both in our own world; s!iritually se!arate. In my mind you visuali?e me going to hell in
the afterworld, and I sim!ly... cant relate with you. I beleive a !sychedelic tri! would concrete a
lasting bond... it would fi everything that's broken with the sad state our family is in. $his conce!t is
much akin to the "Ibogaine" treatment I had you look at. It's a !sychadelic; its not fun, and it's not a
!leasurable e!erience, but it is indeed a "tri!." A,J of the e!erience is the drug, and K,J of it is
the voyage itself. >et me take something with you, lets create a bond again, lets cry together, laugh
together... or else we'll be forever se!arate.
3erha!s you're right, Dad. 3erha!s I've gone over the edge. 3erha!s !sychedelic drugs are the "fruit
of the knowledge of good and evil," but I would never take my e!eriences back for anything, sim!ly
because I can't take them back. $hey are literal shifts in consciousness, a reworking of brain
chemistry. I see them as a growing flame from my soul. 6 sword, like my soul, has to be tem!ered
before I can cross that very flame. #ut I %ust want someone to hold my hand over the edge of the
flame...
Disregarding the !sychedelic and !hiloso!hical bull&shit, this is what I need right now.
I ask you all, formally, with an initial that I'm gonna regret tomorrow, a liscense to de!art, 6S63 to
Cartago, Costa :ica. 3referrably 0arly Duly or late Dune.
$his is a last call for hel!. 3lease read this and take it whole&heartedly, because this memo is in its
essence a des!erate last call for hel!. I beg you to mindfully read my alcohol&binge induced stream of
consciousness because for the net few days I will be an inrece!tive drone. I'm going to go through
bouts of aniety&ridden restlessness. "ithin the net few days I'll be couchlocked due to alcohol&
induced withdrawal sym!toms. $he only way of dealing with my affliction is talking with me is by
not communicating with me as someone who is.... chemically afflicted, but s!iritually afflicted. #y
treating me, not as a !atient, but as a !erson; a human being. I'm done hiding, and I'm ready to be
com!letely trans!arent with you both, as long as you can be e'ually trans!arent with me.
3S
I hung out with #en 4ill last night and he has agreed to me that he will %oin me in my voyage in
Costa :ica in Se!tember of *,AF; he'll %oin me after doing organic farming in Canada for * months
then travel to Costa :ica... 4e is an etremely knowelegable DD, electronic music !roducer, he did a
cross&country bike ride in Da!an, and I'd be ha!!y to link you both some of his musical works of
course. I don't think either of you have heard my own !ublic stuff actually... anyway. )f course, I
don't know if he will really follow through, nor do I e!ect him to to. $his is a %ourney I must
undertake for myself.