6/13/2014 The If I Play This R&B Singers Music, Will He Help Me Have Sex?

Chart
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MUSIC
The If I Play This R&B Singers Music, Will He
Help Me Have Sex? Chart
Your odds of picking the proper lovemaking soundtrack just got much better.
BY SHEA SERRANO ON JUNE 11, 2014
The first time I tried to have sex with the woman whom I eventually married was some time during the
spring semester of 2000. We were in college, and wed gone on exactly one date at that point and she
didnt throw up or try to stab me, so in my brain I just was like, Yep. We are definitely having sex the
next time we see each other.
Now, Im probably not that great at sex, but Im all-world at planning for it. My most devastating
pregame move on this occasion: I spent a good hour or so making a CD for us to listen to while we did
what Id figured wed be doing. It was 16 songs long (which wouldve given me enough time to have sex
about 13 times, I guess). I dont remember all the songs that were on it, but I remember three of them:
1. Ginuwines unstoppable So Anxious (1999): This one was on there because its perfect. So I was
putting it on every compilation mix I made back then. It didnt matter what it was for; romance,
shopping, workouts, whatever. Bro, I was doing the sexiest pull-ups anyone ever saw back then because
of Ginuwine.
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2. Keith Sweats Make It Last Forever (1987): This one was on there because I wanted her to know I
had a little thing called class.
3. Aaliyahs One in a Million (1996): This one was on there because its assertive without being
aggressive, passionate without being corny, and interesting without being obtrusive. One in a Million
is basically the perfect Sex CD starting point.
I made the CD, put it in the CD player, set the remote next to the bed, then called Pre-Wife and asked if
she wanted to come over and watch movies in my dorm room. She said yes, so I hung up the phone, did,
like, 40 push-ups, then waited by the door and tried to look accidentally handsome.
When she got there, we got like maybe 20 minutes into the movie before I moved in. (Id like to say the
movie was something smart and sophisticated like Being John Malkovich, but its much more likely it
was that soccer movie in which Jonathan Brandis dresses up like a girl to play for Rodney Dangerfields
soccer team.) Things seemed to be going well during the kissing, so I blindly grabbed at the remote,
found it, then pawed at it until the music clicked on.
The opening of One in a Million came softly cricketing out of the speakers and it was perfect. What a
great song that is. I felt it in my cells. Everything was set, until everything unraveled. She pulled back,
slowly looked at the CD player, processed what she was hearing, looked back at me, then furrowed her
brow a bit. Did you set that up ahead of time? she asked. You assumed we were going to have sex? It
was a critical overplay.
Now, Im going to stop the anecdote here, in part because the things that happened after that are not
things I care to discuss in a public forum, but more so because were at a segment of the story when the
point Im making can be stated plainly: A perfect song selection isnt perfect if it isnt played at the
appropriate time.
So thats why this exists:
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Shea Serrano

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This is the If I Play This R&B Singer, Will He Help Me Have Sex? Chart. Its a chart that will help you
figure out which R&B singers will help you have sex and which ones wont. Keep in mind, this is a
supplement. This chart operates under the assumptions that (a) youve had an enjoyable evening with
a partner you are on agreeable terms with, (b) you are in a clean place that affords adequate privacy,
and (c) you are at the cusp of the evenings intimate hours. Thats when you refer to this. Not on a
Tuesday afternoon after you just offered to take him or her to Arbys. You cant just play Prince and
then, malibooyah, he or she is in your lap with a mouthful of curly fries. This wont work then.
Maxwell
Probability of sex: 22 percent
I actually thought hed rate higher here. Whenever, Wherever, Whatever (from 1996s Maxwells
Urban Hang Suite) is a legit amazing song. Also, when Maxwell used to have all of his hair he looked
like if a human and a lion had mated, and thats maybe the sexiest of all human/animal combos. Its
just that so much of the stuff in his discography is so delicate and high-pitched that after a handful of
songs it can become a little too overwhelming, like when you put too much syrup on your pancakes.
Hell help you, just not as much as youd expect.
John Legend
Probability of sex: negative-41 percent
Nope. Dont do this. Dont even do this. All of Me is sweet, but dont do this. John Legend isnt built
for this game. I mean, remember when he tried to be sexy in 2012 on Tonight (Best You Ever Had)?
It was adorable. It was like watching a toddler walking around a wedding in his little toddler tuxedo. Oh,
little Johnny. You are a gem.
Anthony Hamilton
Probability of sex: negative-76 percent
You dont listen to Anthony Hamilton if you want to have sex. You listen to Anthony Hamilton if
everything in your love life is falling apart (Charlene) or you listen to Anthony Hamilton if you
wanna reminisce (Comin From Where Im From) or you listen to Anthony Hamilton if you live in
1970 (every single song) and thats it. Hes perfect for those things. Terrible for sex.
Ginuwine
Probability of sex: 91 percent
Oh, man. You want to end the Is there a God? debate? You dont cite the complexity of the human
eye or the depth of the universe, you just email out a link to Differences and then watch all the
atheists and agnostics drop down to their knees in reverence. I mean, theres literally a part in the
video when he pop-locks in heaven. How much more proof do you need? Because that seems like
plenty. When I die Im walking right past the pearly gates and up to God and high-fiving him for
making Ginuwine, because he got that one all the way right.
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Boyz II Men
Probability of sex: negative-20 percent
Its one true sex song (Ill Make Love to You) is a classic and youd do well to play that one, but the
cumulative score gets dragged down into the muck because Boyz II Men mostly spent its time on songs
saying good-bye to things (End of the Road; Its So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday; On Bended
Knee; Water Runs Dry).
Sidebar: Remember when Boyz II Men was on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Man, that was so dope. It
was a combination of two of the things I loved most. I think I cried for, like, 36 straight hours after I saw
it.
Keith Sweat
Probability: 18 percent
Did you know Keith Sweats real last name is Crier? Two things:
1. Crier? Thats unfortunate.
2. You get the chance to pick a new last name AND YOU GO WITH SWEAT? I dont understand
what happened there. Was he only allowed to choose from body fluids? If so, then I guess it makes
sense. Its better than Keith Vomit. Otherwise, total misstep.
Jaheim
Probability of sex: negative-10 percent
Jaheim is the guy who they show on the prison documentary standing in the circle of guys singing a
song he wrote during lockdown. Thats Jaheims whole career in a 24-word sentence. Thats a little
thing called being efficient.
Prince
Probability of sex: Bro.
Just go ahead and start your registry at Babies R Us, because youre getting, like, five or six people
pregnant if you pull this move. If you play Prince after dark and someone hears it, that person
immediately gives birth. Playing Prince after dark is like when you pour water on a Mogwai. Youre not
ready for this level.
Ne-Yo
Probability of sex: negative-43 percent
Nah.
P.S. Ne-Yo, if you happen to read this: Sorry for using your mug shot for the chart. Its just the most
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perfect picture Ive ever seen, is all.
P.P.S. Ne-Yo, also, please tell Columbus Short to make a real sequel to Stomp the Yard, because the
sequel that got made was a total dump. Thanks. Youre an angel.
Jon B.
Probability of sex: 65 percent
Jon B. is the coolest non-black R&B singer of all time. Nobody did more for interracial relationships
than Jon B. Book it.
Next
Probability of sex: negative-22 percent
These guys are most famous for 1997s Too Close, a song thats all about getting an erection while
dancing with a girl. For real. FOR REAL, for real. Thats the entire song. The first line is literally I
wonder if she could tell Im hard right now.
I am so glad I didnt have any daughters.
Johnny Gill
Probability of sex: 15 percent
One word, three times: My, My, My.
Johnnys getting the job done.
Trey Songz
Probability of sex: negative-95 percent
Every time I get mad at someone under 25 years old for anything, I have to stop and take a step back and
remember that I grew up with Ginuwine and this person grew up with Trey Songz. What a tragedy.
DAngelo
Probability of sex: 90 percent
Two things:
1. I cant even look directly at pictures of DAngelo from the 90s. Its like being an arms length away
from the sun. What a work of art. If youve never re-created the Untitled video in your bathroom with
your cell phone, then why do you even have a cell phone?
2. I actually saw DAngelo earlier this year at the big shopping mall in Houston that all the famous
people go to when they come here. He was in Brookstone. He didnt look like he was great shape. Still,
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Im a very big fan of his so I charged up on him like a girl. I was like, Oh my God, youre DAngelo.
Thats so crazy. Man, I love your music so much. Youre so talented. Do you have any new stuff
coming? I just kept going and going. I probably talked for two minutes straight. And when I was done
he just looked at me. He didnt say a single word. Like, NOT ONE. And I was real disappointed. I mean,
I have all of his tapes, Ive watched all of his videos. All that stuff, man. And so I was thinking that while
I was standing there staring at him waiting for him to talk. And then I realized: Oh shit. I wasnt talking
to DAngelo. It was just this old leather chair that some old lady had set a vest down on. It was very
embarrassing for me.
Brian McKnight
Probability of sex: ???
McKnight is the only guy on this chart whose ranking is situational. If your girl is younger than 36, he is
a negative one million percent. If shes older, hes a plus one million percent. This ones on you.
Robin Thicke
Probability of sex: 62 percent
In 2009, I was writing for the Houston Press, an alt weekly in Houston thats part of the Village Voice
family. Thicke was in town hosting a listening party for Sex Therapy: The Session at a club (he was
traveling around the country doing it, if Im not mistaken) so I got sent out there to cover it. We hung
out and talked for something like 10 or 15 minutes. He was polite and smelled very good and smiled a
lot and did this thing where when he was really proud of an answer he was giving he would lean forward
and place his right hand on his left hand and angle his elbow out. But thats not what I remember most.
What I remember most is how aggressively women threw themselves at Thicke. At one point during
our conversation, one woman dropped down from the rafters into his VIP section and landed in the
splits like, Oh hey, Robin. Robin Thicke gets em going. Youre gold here.
Teenage Usher
Probability of sex: negative-72 percent
When Usher and Tyrese teamed up for the My Way video, that was like when Pacino and De Niro got
together in Heat, except about a billion times better.
Babyface
Probability of sex: 23 percent
But if your partner leaves you, there is a 100 percent chance he or she comes back if you play
Babyfaces When Can I See You.
35-Year-Old Usher
Probability of sex: negative-29 percent
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Scores better than Teenage Usher but hes still Usher* so its a no-go.
*The sexiest song Usher has ever appeared on, Lovers and Friends, is actually a Lil Jon song. Think
on that.
Jodeci
Probability of sex: 82 percent
Perfection.
112
Probability of sex: negative-3 percent
The song Cupid pushed it all the way to a 94 percent score, but the rest of its discography pulled it all
the way down to negative-3 percent. Peaches and Cream? FOH.
Tank
Probability of sex: 9 percent
See, this is the way to go. Tank was born Durrell Babbs. When he got the chance to give himself a new
name he went right past normal and all the way to a goddamn warfare machine. Thats how you take
advantage of the situation, Keith Sweat.
Musiq Soulchild
Probability of sex: negative-66 percent
Dont play this. People dont want to have sex when they hear Musiq Soulchild. You know what they
want when they hear Musiq Soulchild? They want to not be hearing Musiq Soulchild.
Justin Timberlake
Probability of sex: 50 percent
The second-greatest non-black male R&B singer of all time. Kudos to him for that. I didnt think Id
ever see him recover from those cornrows. What spirit, what perseverance hes shown.
Jamie Foxx
Probability of sex: negative-7 percent
I never understand Foxxs hairline. That sucker jumps around all over his head. Google it. Google
Jamie Foxx Hairline. Click images. Have your mind blown. That shit moves up and down his
forehead like the tides. Its the greatest mystery of our generation.
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Frank Ocean
Probability of sex: 17 percent
I kind of wanted him to be singing to me on Forrest Gump. He wasnt though. :(
The Weeknd
Probability of sex: negative-33 percent
The Weeknd was WAY sexier before anyone knew what he looked like, right?
R. Kelly
Probability of sex: 84 percent (or negative-84 percent)
Heres the thing: Each one of these, whenever I was placing them on the chart, Id ask my wife, Would
it increase my chances of having sex with you if I played this persons music? When we got to Kells,
whose 1993 album, 12 Play, soundtracked basically all of my imaginary sexual encounters from 1993 to
1996, her response was, No. Not at all. Itd probably do the opposite. Hes just gross. Even if you could
somehow erase all of the [molestation] stuff attached to his name, it still wouldnt. Sex music can be a
little raunchy, but his goes beyond that. His is perverted.
So basically what Im saying is that theres a very real possibility this number is all the way wrong if
youre hoping to have sex with a real, actual woman. But if youre hoping to have sex with me, it is spot-
on.
Chris Brown
Probability of sex: negative-100 percent
Lets pretend that, like Kelly, were able to look at Breezy and consider him without looking at or
considering all the stuff his name carries with it. He still gets a negative-100 perfcent. Hes just too
nasally. Its like hes singing through a kazoo. And nobodys ever been like, Ooooh, boy. That kazoo is
doing all the right things to me. F+O+H, Chris.
Tyrese
Probability of sex: 44 percent
Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button.
Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button.
Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button.
Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button.
Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button.
Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly