George Carlin

Posted: 2011-11-03 - 3 comment(s) - 0 trackback(s)

Category: awesomeness
Something very funny I heard today.
"I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is it's gonna grow
into bigger and bigger proportions until the whole thing gets completely out of
control. Here's an example. Let's say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angele
s. Then it floods an electrical substation, knocking out all the traffic lights,
and tying up the entire city. And then emergency vehicles can't get through. An
d at the same time, one of those month-long global warming heatwaves comes along
, but there's no air conditioning, there's no water for sanitation, so cholera,
smallpox and dysentery break out and thousands of people start dying in the stre
ets. But before they die, parasites eat their brains and they go completely f**k
ing crazy and they storm the hospital. But the hospital can't handle all the cas
ualties, so these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire. And t
he flames drive them even crazier so they start stabbing social workers and garb
age men. And a big wind comes along and the entire city goes up in flames and th
e people who are still healthy, they get mad at the sick people, and they start
crucifying them, nailing them to crosses, trying on their underwear, **** like t
hat. Then everyone smokes crack and PCP and they march on City Hall, where they
burn the mayor at the stake, strangle his wife and take turns sodomising the sta
tue of Larry Flint. And at this point, it looks like pretty soon, things are gon
na start to get out of control.
So everyone panics and tries to leave the city at the same time, and they trampl
e each other to death in the streets by the thousands, and wild dogs eat their c
orpses, and the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway and one
by one the dogs pick off the old f**ks and the slow people because they're in th
e fast lane where they don't belong. Get the f**k out of the fast lane if you're
an old f**k, if you're a slow f**k. Get over on the right! And then the lucky o
nes, the lucky people who manage to make it all the way outside of town, they di
scover when they get there that big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on
fire, and the suburbs burn uncontrollably, and thousands of identical houses ha
ve identical fires with identical smoke. Killing all the identical soccer mums w
ith their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer. And now the fire spreads to t
he farmlands and the farmlands burn intensely at 425 degrees creating millions o
f baked potatoes. And as the farmlands burn thousands of barns and farmhouses be
gin to explode from all the hidden methamphetamine labs. And the meth chemicals
run downhill into the rivers and streams where wild animals drink the water and
get completely geeked on speed. So bears and wolves all hemped up on crack start
roaming the countryside looking for people to eat even though they're not reall
y hungry. And the fire spreads to the forests and the forests burn furiously and
hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods screamin
g "Bambi is dead! Bambi is dead!" and he is, he is, finally that f**king little
**** Bambi is dead. Dead!
Now hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno, a
nd all twelve of the western United States are burning out of control except Uta
h, where the Mormons don't allow fires. And then the fire spreads across the Gre
at Plains, toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producinghamburgers, actual
ly. Then it leaps to Mississippi and races through the south, blowing up stills
and interrupting lynchings and killing millions of inbred people. And then it tu
rns northeast and it heads for Washington, D.C. where George Bush can't decide w
hether its an emergency or not. Oh it's hard work. He can't decide because ****
Cheney is in prison. So instead he takes a nap. He takes a nap, he puts his empt
y f**king brainless head down on the little pillow his mother gave him at Christ
mas time and he takes a f**king nap. So the fire moves to Philadelphia, but it's
a weekend and Philadelphia's closed on the weekend. So the fire moves to New Yo
rk City and the people in New York City tell the fire to GO F**K ITSELF. GO F**K
ITSELF.
And it does. So instead it burns down Long Island and Connecticut, killing all t
he rich white ****s and completely destroying their evil ****goty golf courses.
And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground but nobody notices. A
nd now the entire North American continent is on fire, producing a huge thermal
updraft and creating an incendiary cyclonic macro-system that forms a hemispheri
c mega-storm, breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere and actual
ly changing the laws of nature. Fire and water combine, burning clouds of flamin
g rain fall upward. Gamma rays and solar winds ignite the ionosphere creating hu
ge clouds of ionised plasma. Bolts of lightning 20 million miles long begin shoo
ting out of the North Pole andthe sky fills up with green ****. And then suddenly
the entire fabric of space time splits in two. A huge crack in the universe ope
ns. And all the dead people from the past begin falling through. Babe Ruth, Grou
cho Marx, Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim, Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Alan Ludden,
my uncle Dave, your uncle Dave, everybody's uncle Dave, an endless stream of de
ad uncle Dave's falling through the crack.
And all the dead uncle Dave's gather around the heavenly kitchen table. They lig
ht up cigarettes and they begin to talk. They talk about how they never got a br
eak. How their parents didn't love them and their children weren't grateful. The
y talk about how the government screwed them out of money and they JUST missed o
ut on a big job. They say the Jews own everything and the Blacks get special tre
atment. And all the hatred and bitterness drips out of these people and forms a
big pool of liquid hate. And the pool of liquid hate begins to spin. Round and r
ound it spins, faster and faster. And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets, f
aster and faster, bigger and bigger, until the whirling pool of hate is bigger t
han the entire universe and then suddenly it EXPLODES into trillions of tiny sta
rs. And every star has a trillion planets. And every planet has a trillion uncle
Dave's. And all the uncle Dave's have good jobs and perfect eyesight and shoes
that fit. They have great sex lives and free health care. They understand the in
ternet and their kids think they're cool. And they all love their neighbours. An
d every week, without fail , uncle Dave wins the lottery. Forever and ever, unti
l the end of time, every single uncle Dave has a winning ticket. And uncle Dave
is finally happy. Now do you wonder why I like it when nature gets even with hum
ans?"