Blue Moon The Immortals - Book 2 by Alyson Noel

Blue Moon The Immortals 02 Page 1 of 258
Blue Moon
The Immortals - Book 2
By Alyson Noel
Every man has his own destiny; the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter
where it leads him.
Henry Miller
Chapter One
"Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?"
I nod, eyes closed.
"Imagine it right there before you. See its texture, shape, and colorgot it?"
I smile, holding the image in my head.
"ood. !o" reach out and touch it. #eel its contours "ith the tips of your fingers, cradle
its "eight in the palms of your hands, then combine all of your sensessight, touch,
smell, tastecan you taste it?"
I bite my lip and suppress a giggle.
"$erfect. !o" combine that "ith feeling. %elie&e it exists right before you. #eel it, see it,
touch it, taste it, accept it, manifest it'" he says.
So I do. I do all of those things. (nd "hen he groans, I open my eyes to see for myself.
")&er." He sha*es his head. "+ou "ere supposed to thin* of an orange. ,his isn-t e&en
close."
"!ope, nothing fruity about him." I laugh, smiling a teach of my .amensthe replica I
manifested before me, and the flesh and blood &ersion beside me. %oth of them e/ually
tall, dar*, and so de&astatingly handsome they hardly seem real.
"0hat am I going to do "ith you?" the real .amen as*s, attempting a disappro&ing ga1e
but failing miserably. His eyes al"ays betray him, sho"ing nothing but lo&e.
"Hmmm . . ." I glance bet"een my t"o boyfriendsone real, one con2ured. "I guess you
could 2ust go ahead and *iss me. 3r, if you-re too busy, I-ll as* him to stand in, I don-t
thin* he-d mind."
I motion to"ard manifest .amen, laughing "hen he smiles and "in*s at me e&en
though his edges are fading and soon he-ll be gone.
%ut the real .amen doesn-t laugh. He 2ust sha*es his head and says, ")&er, please. +ou
need to be serious. ,here-s so much to teach you."
"0hat-s the rush?" I fluff my pillo" and pat the space right beside me, hoping he-ll mo&e
a"ay from my des* and come 2oin me. "I thought "e had nothing but time?" I smile. (nd
"hen he loo*s at me, my "hole body gro"s "arm and my breath halts in my throat, and
I can-t help but "onder if I-ll e&er get used to his ama1ing beautyhis smooth oli&e s*in,
bro"n shiny hair, perfect face, and lean sculpted bodythe perfect dar* yin to my pale
blond yang. "I thin* you-ll find me a &ery eager student," I say, my eyes meeting his
t"o dar* "ells of unfathomable depths. "+ou-re insatiable," he "hispers, sha*ing his
head and mo&ing beside me, as dra"n to me as I am to him. "4ust trying to ma*e up for
lost time," I murmur, al"ays so eager for these moments, the times "hen it-s 2ust us,
and I don-t ha&e to share him "ith anyone else. )&en *no"ing "e ha&e all of eternity
laid out before us doesn-t ma*e me any less greedy. He leans in to *iss me, forgoing our
lesson. (ll thoughts of manifesting, remote &ie"ing, telepathyall of that psychic
business replaced by something far more immediate, as he pushes me bac* against a
pile of pillo"s and co&ers my body "ith his, the t"o of us merging li*e crumbled &ines
see*ing the sun. His fingers sna*e under my top, sliding along my stomach to the edge
of my bra as I close my eyes and "hisper, "I lo&e you." 0ords I once *ept to myself.
%ut after saying it the first time, I-&e barely said anything else.
Hearing his soft muffled groan as he releases the clasp on my bra, so effortlessly, so
perfectly, nothing a"*"ard or fumbling about it.
)&ery mo&e he ma*es is so graceful, so perfect, so
Maybe too perfect.
"0hat-s "rong?" he as*s, as I push him a"ay. His breath coming in short shallo" gasps
as his eyes see* mine, their surrounding s*in tense and constricted in the "ay I-&e
gro"n used to.
"!othing-s "rong." I turn my bac* and ad2ust my top, glad I completed the lesson on
shielding my thoughts since it-s the only thing that allo"s me to lie.
He sighs and mo&es a"ay, denying me the tingle of his touch and the heat of his ga1e
as he paces before me.
(nd "hen he finally stops and faces me, I press my lips together, *no"ing "hat-s next.
0e-&e been here before.
")&er, I-m not trying to rush you or anything. 5eally, I-m not," he says, his face creased
"ith concern. "%ut at some point you-re going to ha&e to get o&er this and accept "ho I
am. I can manifest anything you desire, send telepathic thoughts and images "hene&er
"e-re apart, "his* you a"ay to Summerland at a moment-s notice. %ut the one tiling I
can-t e&er do is change the past. It 2ust is."
I stare at the floor, feeling small, needy, and completely ashamed. Hating that I-m so
incapable of hiding my 2ealousies and insecurities, hating that they-re so transparent and
clearly displayed. %ecause no matter "hat sort of psychic shield I create, it-s no use.
He-s had six hundred years to study human beha&ior 6to study my beha&ior7, &ersus my
sixteen. "4ust2ust gi&e me a little more time to get used to all this," I say, pic*ing at a
frayed seam on my pillo"case. "It-s only been a fe" "ee*s." I shrug, remembering ho"
I *illed his ex8"ife, told him I lo&ed him, and sealed my immortal fate, less than three
"ee*s ago.
He loo*s at me, his lips pressed together, his eyes tinged "ith doubt. (nd e&en though
"e-re merely a fe" feet apart, the space that di&ides us is so hea&y and fraughtit feels
li*e an ocean.
"I-m referring to this lifetime," I say, my &oice /uic*ening, rising, hoping to fill up the &oid
and lighten the mood. "(nd since I can-t recall any of the others, it-s all I ha&e. I 2ust
need a little more time, o*ay?" I smile ner&ously, my lips feeling clumsy and loose as I
hold them in place, exhaling in relief "hen he sits do"n beside me, lifts his fingers to my
forehead, and see*s the space "here my scar used to be.
"0ell, that-s one thing "e-ll ne&er run out of." He sighs, trailing his fingers along the
cur&e of my 2a" as he leans in to *iss me, his lips ma*ing a series of stops from my
forehead, to my nose, to my mouth.
(nd 2ust "hen I thin* he-s about to *iss me again, he s/uee1es my hand and mo&es
a"ay. Heading straight for the door and lea&ing a beautiful red tulip behind in his place.
Chapter Two
)&en though .amen can sense the exact moment my (unt Sabine turns onto our street
and approaches the dri&e, that-s not "hy he left.
He left because of me.
%ecause of the simple fact that he-s been after me for hundreds of years, see*ing me
out in all of my incarnations, 2ust so "e could be together.
3nly "e ne&er got together.
0hich means it ne&er happened.
(pparently e&ery time "e "ere about to ta*e the next step and consummate our lo&e,
his ex8"ife .rina managed to sho" up and *ill me.
%ut no" that I-&e *illed her, eliminated her "ith one "ell8placed though admittedly feeble
s"ipe to her rather compromised heart cha*ra, there-s absolutely nothing or no one
bloc*ing our "ay.
)xcept me.
%ecause e&en though I lo&e .amen "ith all of my being, and definitely "ant to ta*e the
next stepI can9t stop thin*ing about those last six hundred years.
(nd ho" he chose to li&e them. 63utlandishly, according to him.7
(nd "hom he chose to li&e them "ith. 6%esides his ex8"ife .rina, many others ha&e
been alluded to.7
(nd, "ell, as much as I hate to admit it, *no"ing all of that ma*es me feel a little
insecure.
3*ay, maybe a lot insecure. I mean, it-s not li*e my pathetically meager list of guys I-&e
*issed could e&er compare to his six centuries- "orth of con/uests.
(nd e&en though I *no" it-s ridiculous, e&en though I *no" .amen has lo&ed me for
centuries, the fact is, the heart and mind aren-t al"ays friendly.
(nd in my case, they-re barely spea*ing.
+et still, e&ery time .amen comes o&er for my lesson, I al"ays manage to turn it into a
prolonged ma*e8out session, each time starting out thin*ing: ,his is it' It-s really going to
happen this time'
3nly to push him a"ay li*e the "orst *ind of tease.
(nd the truth is, it-s exactly li*e he said. He can9t change his past, it 2ust is. 3nce
something is done it can9t be undone. ,here-s no re"ind. !o going bac*.
,he only thing a person can e&er really do is *eep mo&ing for"ard.
(nd that-s exactly "hat I need to do.
,a*e that big leap for"ard "ithout hesitation, "ithout once loo*ing bac*.
Simply forget the past and forge to"ard the future.
I 2ust "ish it "ere really that easy.
")&er?" Sabine ma*es her "ay up the stairs as I run frantically around my room, trying
to straighten it up before plopping in front of my des* and scrambling to loo* li*e I-m
busy. "+ou still up?" she as*s, po*ing her head inside. (nd e&en though her suit is
"rin*led, her hair limp, and her eyes a little red and tired, her aura-s hanging in there,
beaming a nice shade of green.
"I "as 2ust finishing up some home"or*," I say, pushing my laptop a"ay as though I-d
been using it. ".id you eat?" She leans against the door2amb, her eyes narro"ed and
suspicious, as her aura reaches right to"ard methe portable lie detector she
un*no"ingly carries "here&er she goes. "3f course," I tell her. !odding and smiling and
doing my best to appear sincere, but the truth is, it feels false on my face.
I hate ha&ing to lie. )specially to her. (fter all that she-s done for me, ta*ing me in after
the accident "hen my "hole family died. I mean, it-s not li*e she had to do that. 4ust
because she-s my only li&ing relati&e didn-t mean she couldn-t say no. (nd belie&e me,
half the time she probably "ishes she had. Her life "as "ay less complicated before I
arri&ed. "I meant something besides that red drin*." She nods, motioning to"ard the
bottle on my des*, the opalescent red li/uid "ith the strange bitter taste I don-t hate
nearly as much as I used to. 0hich is good since, according to .amen, I-ll be sipping it
for the rest of eternity. ,hough it-s not li*e I can-t eat real food, it-s 2ust that I no longer
"ant to. My immortal 2uice pro&ides all of the nutrients I could e&er need. (nd no matter
ho" much or ho" little I drin*, I al"ays feel sated.
%ut still, I *no" "hat she-s thin*ing. (nd not only because I can read all of her thoughts,
but because I used to thin* the same things about .amen. I used to get really annoyed
"atching him push his food around and only pretend to eat. ;ntil I found out his secret,
that is.
"I, um, I grabbed something earlier," I finally say, trying not to press my lips together,
a&ert my ga1e, or cringeall of my usual dead gi&ea"ays. "0ith Miles and Ha&en," I
add, hoping it "ill explain the lac* of dirty dishes, e&en though I *no" that pro&iding too
many details is bad, li*e a flashing red light signaling <I(5 S,5(IH, (H)(.' !ot to
mention that Sabine being a la"yer, one of her firm-s top litigators, ma*es her incredibly
good at spotting a phony. ,hough she pretty much sa&es that particular gift for her
professional life. In her pri&ate life, she chooses to belie&e.
)xcept for today. ,oday she-s not buying a "ord of it. Instead, she 2ust loo*s at me and
says, "I-m "orried about you."
I s"i&el around so I-m facing her, hoping to appear as though I-m open, ready to
address her concerns, e&en though I-m pretty much frea*ed "I-m fine," I tell her, nodding
and smiling so that she-ll belie&e it. "5eally. My grades are good, I-m getting along "ith
my friends, .amen and I are" I pause, reali1ing I-&e ne&er really tal*ed to her about
my relationship before, ha&en-t really defined it, and ha&e pretty much *ept it to myself.
(nd the truth is, no" that I-&e started, I-m not sure ho" to finish. I mean, referring to
oursel&es as boyfriend and girlfriend sounds so mundane and inade/uate once our
pasts, presents, and futures are ta*en into account, because clearly all of our shared
history ma*es us so much more than that. %ut still, it-s not li*e I-m going to publicly
proclaim us as eternal partners or soul mates eitherthe ic* factor on that is 2ust "ay
too high. (nd the truth is, I-d really rather not define it at all. (t the moment, I-m confused
enough as it is. %esides, "hat "ould I e&en tell her? ,hat "e-&e lo&ed each other for
centuries but still ha&en-t made it past second base?
"0ell, .amen and I aredoing really good," I finally say, gulping "hen I reali1e I said
good instead of great, "hich may be the first real truth I-&e spo*en all day.
"So he "as here." She sets her bro"n leather briefcase onto the floor and loo*s at me,
both of us fully a"are of ho" easily I fell into her professional litigator9s trap.
I nod, mentally *ic*ing myself for insisting "e hangout here, as opposed to his place li*e
he originally "anted.
"I thought I sa" his car "hi1 past." She shifts her ga1e to my rumpled bed "ith the
hapha1ard pillo"s and dishe&eled du&et, and "hen she turns bac* to face me, I can-t
help but cringe, especially "hen I sense "hat9s about to be said.
")&er." She sighs. "I-m sorry I-m not around all that much and that "e-re unable to spend
more time together. (nd e&en though it feels li*e "e-re still sort of finding our "ay "ith
each other, I "ant you to *no" that I-m here for you. If you e&er need to tal* to someone
I-ll listen."
I press my lips together and nod, *no"ing she-s not finished, but hoping that by staying
/uiet and complacent, it-ll be o&er "ith soon. "%ecause e&en though you probably thin*
I-m too old to understand "hat you-re going through, I do remember "hat it "as li*e at
your age. Ho" o&er"helming it can be "ith the constant pressure to measure up to
models and actresses and other impossible images you see on ,=." I s"allo" hard and
a&oid her ga1e, cautioning myself to not o&erreact, to not go all o&erboard "ith
defending myself since its much better for her to belie&e this than to suspect the real
truth. )&er since I got expelled, Sabine-s been "atching me closer than e&er, and "hen
she recently loaded up on a stac* of self8help boo*s, e&erything from: Ho" to 5aise a
Sane ,een in Insane ,imes <i*e ,hese, to: +our ,een and the Media 6(nd 0hat +ou
Can .o (bout it'7, it-s gotten a ga1illion times "orse. 0ith her underlining and
highlighting all of the most disturbing adolescent beha&iors, and then scrutini1ing me,
chec*ing for symptoms.
"%ut I "ant you to *no" that you-re a beautiful girl, far more beautiful than I e&er "as at
your age, and that star&ing yourself to compete "ith all of those s*inny celebrities "ho
spend half their li&es chec*ing in and out of rehab is not only a completely unreasonable
and unattainable goal, but "ill only end up ma*ing you sic*." She gi&es me a pointed
loo*, desperately "anting to get through to me, hoping her "ords "ill penetrate. "I "ant
you to *no" that you-re perfect 2ust as you are, and it pains me to see you going through
this. (nd if this is about .amen, "ell then, all I ha&e to say about that is"
"I-m not anorexic." She loo*s at me.
"I-m not bulimic, I-m not on some cra1y fad diet, I-m not star&ing myself, I-m not stri&ing
to be a si1e 1ero, and I-m not trying to loo* li*e an 3lsen t"in. Seriously, Sabine, do I
loo* li*e I-m "asting a"ay?" I stand, allo"ing for an unobstructed &ie" of me in all of my
tight82eaned glory, because if anything, I feel li*e the opposite of "asting a"ay. I seem to
be bul*ing up at a pretty good pace.
She loo*s me o&er. (nd I mean really loo*s me o&er. Starting from the top of my head
and going all the "ay do"n to my toes, her eyes coming to rest on my pale exposed
an*les I had no choice but to display "hen I disco&ered that my fa&orite 2eans are too
short and rolled them up to compensate. "I 2ust thought..." She shrugs, unsure of "hat
to say no" that the e&idence presented before her so clearly points to a not guilty
&erdict. "%ecause I ne&er see you eating anymoreand you-re al"ays sipping that red
"
"So you 2ust assumed I-d gone from adolescent binge drin*er to anorexic food a&oider?"
I laugh so she-ll *no" I-m not mada little annoyed maybe, though more "ith myself
than "ith her. I should-&e fa*ed it better. I should-&e at least pretended to eat. "+ou ha&e
nothing to "orry about." I smile. "5eally. (nd 2ust so "e-re clear, I ha&e no intention of
ta*ing and>or dealing drugs, experimenting "ith body modification, cutting, branding,
scarification, extreme piercing, or "hate&er else ma*es this "ee*-s ,op ,en Mal8
ad2usted %eha&iors to <oo* for in +our ,eenlist. (nd for the record, my sipping that red
drin* has nothing to do "ith trying to be celebrity s*inny or trying to please .amen. I 2ust
happen to li*e it, that-s all. %esides, I happen to *no" for a fact that .amen lo&es me
and accepts me exactly as I" I stop, *no"ing I-&e 2ust started a "hole other topic I-m
un"illing to explore. (nd before she can e&en get to the "ords no" formulating in her
head, I 2ust hold up my hand and say, "(nd no, that-s not "hat I meant. .amen and I are
" Hoo*ing up, dating, boyfriend and girlfriend, friends "ith benefits, eternally bound.
"0ell, "e-re together. +ou *no", committed, li*e a couple. %ut "e aren-t sleeping
together." +et. She loo*s at me, her face as pinched and uncomfortable as I feel inside.
!either of us "anting to explore this topic, but, unli*e me, she feels it-s her duty.
")&er, I "asn-t insinuating" she starts. %ut then she loo*s at me, and I loo* at her, and
she shrugs, deciding to 2ust let it go since "e both *no" she most certainly "as.
(nd I-m so relie&ed that it-s o&er and that I got off relati&ely easy, that I-m completely
ta*en by surprise "hen she says, "0ell, since you really seem to care about this young
man, I thin* I should get to *no" him. So let-s schedule a time "hen "e can all go to
dinner. Ho" does this "ee*end sound?" ,his "ee*end?
I s"allo" hard and loo* at her, *no"ing exactly "hat she-s after, hoping to *ill t"o birds
"ith one meal. Ha&ing found the perfect opportunity to "atch me scarf do"n a full plate
of food, "hile putting .amen on the stand so she can totally grill him. "0ell, that sounds
great and all except that Miles-s play is on #riday." I fight to *eep my &oice steady and
sure. "(nd then there-s supposed to be an after partyand that-ll probably run pretty
lateso ..." She nods, her eyes right on mine, her ga1e so uncanny and *no"ing it-s
ma*ing me s"eat. "So it-s probably not going to "or*," I finish, *no"ing I-ll ha&e to go
through "ith it e&entually, but hoping for later rather than sooner. I mean, I lo&e Sabine,
and I lo&e .amen, I-m 2ust not sure I-m going to lo&e them together, especially once the
interrogation begins.
She loo*s at me for a moment, then nods and turns a"ay. (nd 2ust "hen I-m able to
exhale, she glances o&er her shoulder to say, "0ell, #riday-s clearly out, but that still
lea&es Saturday. 0hy don-t you tell .amen to be here at eight?"
Chapter Three
)&en though I o&ersleep, I still manage to get out the door and o&er to Miles-s on time. I
guess because it doesn-t ta*e me nearly as long to get ready no" that 5iley-s no longer
around to distract me. (nd e&en though it used to bug me the "ay she-d perch on my
dresser "earing one of her cra1y Hallo"een costumes "hile grilling me about
boyfriends and ma*ing fun of my clothes, e&er since I con&inced her to mo&e on, to
cross the bridge to "here our parents and our dog %uttercup "ere "aiting, I ha&en-t
been able to see her. 0hich pretty much means she "as right. I can only see the souls
"ho-&e stayed behind, not the ones "ho-&e crossed o&er.
(nd li*e al"ays "hen I thin* about 5iley, my throat constricts and my eyes start to sting,
and I "onder if I-ll e&er get used to the fact that she-s gone. I mean, permanently and
irre&ersibly gone. %ut I guess by no" I should *no" enough about loss to reali1e that
you ne&er really stop missing someoneyou 2ust learn to li&e around the huge gaping
hole of their absence. I "ipe my eyes and pull into Miles-s dri&e, remembering 5iley-s
promise, that she-d send me a sign, something to sho" she-s o*ay. %ut e&en though I-&e
been holding tight to her pledge, staying alert, and searching &igilantly for some
indication of her presenceso far I-&e got nothing. Miles opens the door and 2ust as I
start to say hi, he holds up his hand and says, ".on-t spea*. 4ust loo* at my face and
tell me "hat you see. 0hat-s the &ery first thing you notice? (nd don-t lie."
"+our beautiful bro"n eyes," I say, hearing the thoughts in his head and "ishing, not for
the first time, that I could sho" my friends ho" to shield their thoughts and *eep all their
pri&ate stuff pri&ate. %ut that "ould mean di&ulging my mind8reading, aura8seeing,
psychic8sensing secrets, and that I can-t do. Miles sha*es his head and climbs inside,
yan*ing do"n on the mirrored &isor and inspecting his chin. "+ou-re such a liar. <oo*, its
right there' <i*e a shining red beacon you can-t possibly miss, so don9t e&en try to
pretend you don-t see it." I glance at him as I bac* out of the dri&e, seeing the 1it that
dared sprout on his face, though it-s his bright pin* nail polish that steals my attention.
"!ice nails." I laugh.
"It-s for the play." He smir*s, still 1it ga1ing. "I can-t e&en belie&e this' It-s li*e I-m totally
falling apart 2ust "hen e&erything "as going so perfect. 5ehearsals ha&e been great, I
*no" all of my lines as "ell as e&eryone else-s ... I thought I "as totally and completely
ready, and no" this' " He 2abs at his face.
"It-s 2ust ner&es," I say, glancing at him as the light turns green.
")xactly'" He nods. "0hich 2ust pro&es "hat an amateur I am. %ecause professionals,
real professionals, they don-t get ner&ous. ,hey 2ust go into their creati&e 1one and...
create. Maybe I-m not cut out for this?" He loo*s at me, his face tense "ith "orry.
"Maybe it-s 2ust a flu*e that I got the lead."
I glance at him, remembering ho" .rina claimed to climb inside the director-s head and
s"ay him to"ard Miles. %ut e&en if that-s true, that doesn-t mean he can9t handle it,
doesn-t mean he "asn-t the best. ",hat-s ridiculous." I sha*e my head. ",ons of actors
get ner&ous? suffer from stage fright or "hate&er. Seriously. +ou "ouldn-t belie&e some
of the stories 5iley used to" I stop, eyes "ide, mouth open, *no"ing I can ne&er finish
that sentence. Can ne&er di&ulge the stories gleaned from my dead little sister "ho
used to en2oy spying on the Holly"ood elite. "(ny"ay, don-t you "ear, li*e, a ton of
hea&y panca*e ma*eup?"
He glances at me. "+eah. So. 0hat-s your point? ,he play-s #riday, "hich, for your
information, happens to be tomorro". ,his "ill ne&er be gone by then."
"Maybe." I shrug. "%ut "hat I meant "as, can-t you use the ma*eup to co&er it?"
Miles rolls his eyes and sco"ls. "3h, so I can sport a huge flesh8colored beacon
instead? 0ould you loo* at this thing? ,here-s no disguising it. It-s got its o"n .!(' It-s
casting shado"s'"
I pull into the school par*ing lot, claiming my usual space, the one right next to .amen-s
shiny blac* %M0. (nd "hen I loo* at Miles again, for some reason I feel compelled to
touch his lace. (s though my index finger is inexplicably dra"n to the 1it on his chin.
"0hat-re you doing?" he as*s, cringing and pulling a"ay.
"4ust2ust be still," I "hisper, ha&ing no idea "hat I9m doing, or "hy I-m e&en doing it.
(ll I *no" is my finger has a definite destination in mind.
"0ell don-t touch it'" he shouts, the exact moment I ma*e contact. "reat, that-s 2ust
great. !o" it9ll probably double in si1e." He sha*es his head and climbs out of the car,
and I can-t help but feel disappointed to see the pimple still there.
I guess I "as hoping I-d de&eloped some *ind of enhanced healing ability. )&er since
.amen told me, right after I-d decided to accept my fate and start drin*ing the immortal
2uice, that I could expect to go through some changes, anything from super8enhanced
psychic abilities 6"hich I "as not loo*ing for"ard to7, to super8enhanced physical
abilities 6"hich could certainly ha&e its benefits in $.).7, or something else altogether
6li*e the ability to heal others, "hich has my &ote since it "ould be totally cool7, I-&e
been on the loo*out for something extraordinary. %ut so far, all I got is an extra inch of
leg, "hich really doesn-t do much for me besides re/uiring a ne" pair of 2eans.
(nd that probably "ould-&e happened e&entually any"ay.
I grab my bag and climb out of my car, my lips meeting .amen-s the instant he comes
around to my side.
"3*ay, seriously. Ho" much longer can this possibly last?"
0e both pull a"ay and loo* at Miles.
"+eah, I-m tal*ing to you." He "ags his finger. "(ll of the *issing, and hugging, and let us
not forget the constant "hispering of s"eet little nothings." He sha*es his head and
narro"s his eyes. "Seriously. I "as hoping you guys "ould be o&er it by no". I mean,
don-t get me "rong, "e-re all &ery happy that .amen-s bac* in school, that you-&e found
each other again, and "ill most li*ely li&e happily e&er after. %ut really, don-t you thin*
it-s time to maybe try and tone it do"n a little? %ecause some of us aren-t /uite as
happy as you. Some of us are a little bit lo&e depri&ed."
"+ou9re lo&e depri&ed?" I laugh, not at all offended by anything he 2ust said, *no"ing it
has far more to do "ith his anxiety about the play than anything to do "ith .amen and
me. "0hat happened to Holt?"
"Holt?" He bal*s. ".on-t e&en tal* about Holt' .o not e&en go there, )&er'" He sha*es
his head and turns on his heel, heading to"ard Ha&en "ho-s "aiting by the gate.
"0hat-s his problem?" .amen as*s, reaching for my hand and ent"ining my fingers "ith
his, ga1ing at me "ith eyes that still lo&e me, despite yesterday.
",omorro"-s opening night." I shrug. "So he-s frea*ing out, has a 1it on his chin, and
naturally he-s decided to hold us responsible," I say, "atching as Miles lin*s arms "ith
Ha&en as he leads her to"ard class.
"0e-re not tal*ing to them," he says, glancing o&er his shoulder and fro"ning at us.
"0e-re on stri*e until they stop acting so lo&e struc* or this 1it goes a"ay, "hiche&er
comes first." He nods, only half 2o*ing. Ha&en laughs and s*ips alongside him, as
.amen and I head into )nglish. oing right past Stacia Miller "ho smiles s"eetly at him
and then tries to trip me. %ut 2ust as she drops her small bag in my path, hoping to incite
a nice, humiliating face plant, I see it lifting, and I feel it smac*ingright into her *nee.
(nd e&en though I feel the pain too, I-m still glad I did it. "3"""'" she "ails, rubbing her
*nee and glaring at me, e&en though she has no tangible proof that I-m in any "ay
responsible.
%ut I 2ust ignore her and ta*e my seat. I-&e gotten better at ignoring her. )&er since she
got me suspended for drin*ing on campus, I-&e done my best to stay out of her "ay. %ut
sometimessometimes I 2ust can-t help myself.
"+ou shouldn-t ha&e done that," .amen "hispers, attempting a stern loo* as he leans
to"ard me. "$lease. +ou-re the one "ho "ants me to practice manifesting." I shrug.
"<oo*s li*e those lessons are finally starting to pay off."
He loo*s at me, sha*ing his head as he says, "+ou see, it-s e&en "orse than I thought,
because for your information that "as psycho*inesis you 2ust did, not manifesting. See
ho" much there is to learn?"
"$sycho8"hat?" I s/uint, unfamiliar "ith the term, though the act itself "as sure fun. He
ta*es my hand, a smile playing at the corner of his lips as he says, "I-&e been
thin*ing ..." I glance at the cloc*, seeing it-s already fi&e minutes past nine and *no"ing
Mr. 5obins is 2ust no" lea&ing the teachers- lounge.
"#riday night. 0hat do you say "e go some"here@special?" He smiles.
"<i*e Summerland?" I loo* at .amen, my eyes gro"ing "ide as my pulse /uic*ens. I-&e
been dying to get bac* to that magical, mystical place. ,he dimension bet"een the
dimensions, "here I can manifest oceans and elephants, and mo&e things far greater
than pro2ectile $rada bagsonly I need .amen to get there.
%ut he 2ust laughs and sha*es his head. "!o, not Summerland. ,hough "e "ill return
there, I promise. %ut I "as thin*ing more li*e, I don-t *no", maybe the Montage, or the
5it1, perhaps?" He raises his bro"s. "%ut Miles-s play is #riday and I promised "e-d be
there'" I say, reali1ing 2ust after I-&e said it that I9d con&eniently forgotten all about
Miles-s Hairspray debut "hen I thought I "as going to Summerland. %ut no" that
.amen "ants to chec* into one of the area9s most s"an*y hotelsmy memory is
someho" restored.
"3*ay, then, ho" about after the play?" he offers. %ut "hen he loo*s at me, "hen he
sees ho" I hesitate, ho" I press my lips together and search for a polite "ay to decline,
he adds, "3r not. It "as 2ust a thought."
I ga1e at him, *no"ing I need to accept, that I "ant to accept. Hearing the &oice in my
head shouting: Say yes' Say yes' +ou promised yourself you-d leap for"ard, "ithout
once loo*ing bac*, and no"-s your chance so 2ust go ahead and do it' 4;S,' S(+'
+)S'
%ut e&en though I-m con&inced that it-s time to mo&e on, e&en though I lo&e .amen "ith
all of my heart and am determined to get o&er his past and ta*e the next step, "hat
comes out of my mouth is entirely different.
"0e-ll see," I say, a&erting my ga1e and focusing on the door, 2ust as Mr. 5obins "al*s
in.
Chapter Four
0hen the fourth8period bell finally rings, I get up from my des* and approach Mr.
Muno1.
"(re you sure you-re finished?" he as*s, loo*ing up from a pile of papers. "If you need
another minute, that-s perfectly o*ay."
I glance o&er my test sheet, then sha*e my head.
0ondering "hat he-d do if he e&er found out that I9d finished approximately forty8fi&e
seconds after he first handed it to me, then spent the next fifty minutes only pretending
to struggle.
"I-m good," I tell him, *no"ing it-s true. 3ne of the per*s of being psychic is that I no
longer ha&e to study, instead I 2ust sort of *no" all the ans"ers. (nd e&en though it-s
sometimes tempting to sho" off and ace all of my tests in a long steady stream of
perfect scores, I usually try to hold bac* and get a fe" "rong since it-s important to not
o&erdo it.
3r at least that-s "hat .amen says. (l"ays reminding me ho" imperati&e it is to *eep a
lo" profile, to at least gi&e the appearance of being normale&en though "e-re
anything but. ,hough the first time he said it, I couldn-t help but remind him of ho" there
seemed to be an a"ful lot of tulip manifesting going on bac* "hen "e first met. %ut he
2ust said that certain allo"ances had to be made in his efforts to "oo me, and that it
too* longer than necessary since I didn-t bother to loo* up their true meaning of undying
lo&e, until it "as almost too late.
I hand the paper to Mr. Muno1, cringing "hen the tips of our fingers ma*e contact. (nd
e&en though our s*in 2ust barely brushed, it "as still enough to sho" me far more than I
e&er needed to *no", allo"ing for a pretty clear &isual of his entire morning so far.
)&erything from his incredibly messy apartment "ith the *itchen table that-s littered "ith
ta*eout containers and multiple &ersions of the manuscript he-s been "or*ing on for the
past se&en years, to him singing "%orn to 5un" at the top of his lungs as he tried to find
a clean shirt before heading o&er to Starbuc*s "here he bumped into a petite blonde
"ho spilled her iced &enti chai latte all do"n the front of itresulting in a cold, "et,
annoying stain that one flash of her beautiful smile seemed to erase. ( glorious smile he
can-t seem to forgeta glorious smile that belongs to my aunt'
"0ant to "ait "hile I grade it?"
I nod, practically hyper&entilating as I focus on his red pen. 5eplaying the scene I 2ust
sa" in my head, each time coming to the same horrific conclusion my history teacher
is hot for Sabine'
I can-t let this happen. Can-t allo" her to e&er go bac* there. I mean, 2ust because
they-re smart, cute, and single, doesn-t mean they need to date.
I stand there, fro1en, unable to breathe, struggling to bloc* out the thoughts in his head
by focusing on the tip of his pen. 0atching as he lea&es a trail of tiny red dots that turn
into chec*mar*s at numbers se&enteen and t"enty8fi&e2ust as I-d planned.
"3nly t"o "rong. =ery good'" He smiles, brushing his fingers against the stain on his
shirt, "ondering if he9ll e&er see her again. "0ould you li*e to see the correct ans"ers?"
;h, not really, I thin*, eager to be out of there as soon as I can, and not 2ust so I can get
to the lunch table and see .amen, but in case his fantasy decides to pic* up "here I
forced it to lea&e off.
%ut *no"ing that the normal tiling "ould be to appear at least some"hat interested, I
ta*e a deep breath and smile and nod as though I-d li*e nothing more. (nd "hen he
hands me the ans"er *ey, I 2ust go through the motions, saying, "3h, loo* at that, I got
the "rong date." (nd, "3f course' Ho" could I not *no" that? .uh' "
%ut he 2ust nods, mostly because his thoughts are already bac* on the blondea*a:
,he only "oman in the entire uni&erse "ho he is absolutely forbidden to date'
0ondering if she-ll be there tomorro"same time and place.
(nd e&en though the idea of teachers in lust pretty much grosses me out in a general
sense, this particular teacher9s being in lust o&er someone "ho-s practically li*e a
parent to me2ust "ill not do.
%ut then I remember ho" 2ust a fe" months ago I had a &ision of Sabine dating some
cute guy in her building. (nd since Muno1 "or*s here, and Sabine "or*s there, I figure
there-s really no threat of my t"o "orlds colliding. %ut 2ust in case I-m "rong, I still
manage to say, ";m, it "as a flu*e."
He loo*s at me, bro"s merged, trying to ma*e sense of my "ords.
(nd e&en though I *no" I-&e gone too far, e&en though I *no" I-m about to say
something as far from normal as you can get, I really don-t feel I ha&e much of a choice.
I cannot ha&e my history teacher dating my aunt. I can-t tolerate it. I 2ust can-t.
So I motion to"ard the stain on his shirt "hen I add, "+ou *no", her, Miss Iced =enti
Chai <atte?" I nod, seeing the alarmed loo* on his face. "I doubt she-ll be bac*. She
doesn-t really go all that often."
,hen before I can say anything else that "ill not only dash his dreams but confirm the
full extent of my frea*dom, I sling my bag o&er my shoulder and run for the door,
shrugging off the last of Mr. Muno19s lingering energy as I ma*e my "ay to"ard the
lunch table "here .amen is "aitingeager to be "ith him again after three &ery long
hours apart.
%ut "hen I get there, it-s not /uite the homecoming I expected. ,here-s a ne" guy sitting
beside him, right in my usual place, and he-s soa*ing up so much attention, .amen
barely notices me. I lean against the edge of the table, "atching as they all brea* into
laughter at something the ne" guy said. (nd not "anting to interrupt or come off as
rude, I ta*e the seat across from .amen rather than right beside him in my usual place.
"3migod, you are so funny'" Ha&en says, leaning for"ard and briefly touching the ne"
guy-s hand. Smiling in a "ay that ma*es it clear her ne" boyfriend, 4osh, her self8
proclaimed soul mate, has been temporarily forgotten. ",oo bad you missed it, )&er,
he-s so hysterical Miles e&en forgot to obsess on his 1it'"
",han*s for the reminder." Miles sco"ls, his finger see*ing the spot on his chinonly it-s
no longer there. His eyes go "ide, loo*ing to each of us for confirmation that his
mammoth8si1ed 1it, the bane of this morning-s existence, really is gone. (nd I can-t help
but "onder if its sudden disappearance is because of me, because of "hen I touched it
this morning, bac* in the par*ing lot. 0hich "ould mean I really do ha&e magical
healing abilities.
%ut 2ust after I thin* it, the ne" guy says, ",old you it-d "or*. Stuffs brilliant. Aeep the
rest in case it returns."
(nd I narro" my ga1e, "ondering ho" he could9&e had enough time to inter&ene on
Miles-s complexion issues "hen it-s the first I-&e yet to see of him.
"I ga&e him some sal&e," he says, turning to"ard me.
"Miles and I are in homeroom together. I-m 5oman, by the "ay."
I loo* at him, ta*ing in the bright yello" aura that s"irls all around him, its edges
extended, bec*oning, li*e a friendly group hug. %ut "hen I ta*e in his deep na&y blue
eyes, tanned s*in, blond tousled hair, and casual clothes "ith 2ust the right amount of
hipster chicdespite his good loo*s, my first reaction is to run a"ay. )&en "hen he
flashes me one of those languid, easy, ma*e8your8heart8s"oon *ind of smiles, I-m so on
edge, I can-t seem to return it.
"(nd you must be )&er," he says, retracting his hand, the one I hadn-t e&en noticed "as
extended and "aiting to be sha*en until he pulled it a"ay.
I glance at Ha&en "ho-s clearly horrified by my rudeness, then o&er at Miles "ho is too
busy mirror ga1ing to notice my faux pas. %ut "hen .ame reaches under the table and
s/uee1es my *nee, I clear my throat, loo* at 5oman, and say, ";m, yeah, I-m )&er."
(nd e&en though he shoots me that smile again, it still doesn-t "or*. It 2ust ma*es my
stomach go all 2umpy and /ueasy.
"Seems "e ha&e a lot in common," he says, though I can9t imagine "hat that could
possibly be. "I sat t"o ro"s behind you in history. (nd the "ay you "ere struggling, I
couldn-t help but thin*, "ell there-s a girl "ho hates history almost as much as I do."
"I don-t hate history," I say, only it comes out too /uic*ly, too defensi&ely, my &oice
containing a sharp abrasi&e edge that ma*es e&eryone stare. So I glance at .amen,
loo*ing for confirmation, sure I can-t be the only one "ho feels the unsettled stream of
energy that starts "ith 5oman and flo"s right to me.
%ut he 2ust shrugs and sips his red drin* as though e&erything9s perfectly normal and he
hasn-t noticed a thing. So I turn bac* to 5oman and del&e into his mind, ea&esdropping
on a steady stream of harmless thoughts that "hile slightly 2u&enile for sure, are
basically benign. 0hich pretty much means the problem is mine.
"5eally?" 5oman raises his bro"s and leans to"ard me. "(ll that del&ing into the past,
exploring all those long8ago places and dates, examining the li&es of people "ho li&ed
centuries before and bear absolutely no rele&ance no"that doesn-t bother you? 3r
bore you to death?"
3nly "hen those people, places, and dates in&ol&e my boyfriend and Ms six hundred
years of carousing'
%ut I only thin* it. I don-t say it. Instead, I 2ust shrug and say, "I did fine. In fact, it "as
easy. I aced it."
He nods, his eyes gra1ing o&er me, not missing an inch. "ood to *no"." He smiles.
"Muno1 is gi&ing me the "ee*end to catch up, perhaps you can tutor me?"
I glance at Ha&en, "atching as her eyes gro" dar* and her aura turns a 2ealous pu*e
green, then at Miles "ho9s mo&ed on from his 1it and is no" texting Holt, and then I loo*
at .amen "ho-s obli&ious to us both, his ga1e far a"ay, focused on something I can-t
see. (nd e&en though I *no" I-m being ridiculous, that e&eryone else seems to li*e him
and I should do "hat I can to help, I 2ust shrug "hen I say, "3h, I-m sure that-s not
necessary. +ou don-t need me." ;nable to ignore the pric* of my s*in and the ping in my
stomach "hen his eyes meet minere&ealing a set of fla"less "hite teeth "hen he
says, "!ice of you to gi&e me the benefit of the doubt, )&er. ,hough I-m not sure you
should."
Chapter Five
"0hat-s up "ith you and the ne" *id?" Ha&en as*s, lagging behind as e&eryone else
heads for class. "!othing." I sha*e off her hand and forge straight ahead, her energy
streaming right through me as I "atch 5oman, Miles, and .amen laugh and carry on as
though they-re old friends.
"$lease." She rolls her eyes. "It-s so ob&ious you don-t li*e him"
",hat-s ridiculous," I say, my eyes focused on .amen, my gorgeous and glorious
boyfriend>soul mate>eternal partner>cohort 6I really need to find the right "ord7 "ho-s
barely spo*en to me since this morning in )nglish. (nd I-m hoping it-s not because of
the reason I thin*because of my beha&ior yesterday and my refusal to commit to this
"ee*end. "I-m totally serious." She loo*s at me. "It-s li*eit-s li*e you hate ne" people
or something." 0hich happened to come out much *inder than the actual "ords in her
head.
I press my lips together and stare straight ahead, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.
%ut she 2ust peers at me, hand on one hip, hea&ily made8up eyes s/uinting from under
the )arning red stripe in her bangs. "%ecause if I remember right, and "e both *no" I
do, you hated .amen "hen he first came to this school."
"I didn-t hate .amen," I say, rolling my eyes despite my recent &o" not to. ,hin*ing:
Correction, I only ga&e the appearance of hating .amen. 0hen the truth is, I lo&ed him
that "hole entire time. 0ell, except for that short period of time "hen I truly did hate
him. %ut still e&en then, I lo&ed him. I 2ust didn-t "ant to admit it....
";rn, excuse me, but I beg to differ," she says, artfully messy blac* hair falling into her
face. "5emember ho" you didn-t e&en in&ite him to your Hallo"een party?"
I sigh, completely annoyed by all this. (ll I "ant to do is get to class so I can pretend to
pay attention "hile I telepathically IM .amen.
"+es, and if you-ll remember that-s also the night "e hoo*ed up," I finally say, though the
second it-s out, I regret it. Ha&en-s the one "ho found us ma*ing out by the pool, and it
pretty much bro*e her heart. %ut she 2ust ignores it, more determined to ma*e her case
than re&isit that particular past. "3r maybe you-re 2ealous because .amen has a ne"
friend. +ou *no", someone other than you."
",hat-s ridiculous," I say, though it comes out too /uic*ly to e&er be belie&ed. ".amen
has plenty of friends," I add, e&en though "e both *no" it-s not true.
She loo*s at me, lips pursed, completely unmo&ed. %ut no" that I-m this far in, I-&e no
choice but to continue, so I say, "He has you, and Miles, and" (nd me, I thin*, but I
don-t "ant to say it because it-s a sad little list, "hich is exactly her point. (nd the truth
is, .amen ne&er hangs "ith Ha&en and Miles unless I-m there too. He spends e&ery
free moment "ith me. (nd the times "e-re not together he sends a steady stream of
thoughts and images to ma*e up for the distance. It-s li*e "e-re al"ays connected. (nd I
ha&e to admit that I li*e it that "ay. %ecause only "ith .amen can I be my true selfmy
thought8hearing, energy8sensing, spirit8seeing self. 3nly "ith .amen can I let my guard
do"n and be the real me. %ut "hen I loo* at Ha&en, I can-t help but "onder if maybe
she-s right. Maybe I am 2ealous. Maybe 5oman really is 2ust some nice normal guy "ho
mo&ed to a ne" school and "ants to ma*e some ne" friendsas opposed to the
creepy threat I assume him to be. Maybe I really ha&e become so paranoid, 2ealous,
and possessi&e I automatically assume that 2ust because .amen "asn-t as focused on
me as he usually is, I-m about to be replaced. (nd if that-s the case, "ell, its "ay too
pathetic to admit. So I 2ust sha*e my head and fa*e a laugh "hen I say, "(gain,
ridiculous. (ll of this is seriously ridiculous." ,hen I try to loo* as though I really do mean
it.
"+eah? 0ell, "hat about .rina, then? Ho" do you explain that?" She smir*s and says,
"+ou hated her from the moment you sa" her, and don-t e&en try to deny it. (nd then,
once you found out she *ne" .amen, you hated her e&en more."
I cringe "hen she says it. (nd not only because it-s true, but because hearing the name
of .amen-s ex8"ife al"ays ma*es me cringe. I can-t help it, it 2ust does. %ut I ha&e no
idea ho" to explain it to Ha&en. (ll she *no"s is that .rina pretended to be her friend,
ditched her at a party, and then disappeared fore&er. She has no memory of .rina trying
to *ill her "ith the poisonous sal&e she used for that creepy tattoo she recently had
remo&ed from her "rist, no memory of
3h my od' ,he sal&e' 5oman ga&e Miles a sal&e for his 1it' I *ne" there "as
something strange about him. I *ne" I "asn-t ma*ing it up' "Ha&en, "hat class does
Miles ha&e no"?" I as*, my eyes scanning the campus, unable to find him and in too big
of a hurry to use remote sensing, "hich I still ha&en-t mastered.
"I thin* )nglish, "hy?" She gi&es me a strange loo*. "!othing, I 2ustI gotta run."
"#ine. 0hate&er. %ut 2ust so you *no", I still thin* you hate ne" people'" she shouts.
%ut it lingers behind me. I-m already gone.
I sprint across campus, focusing on Miles-s energy and trying to sense "hich classroom
he-s in. (nd as I round a corner and see a door on my right, "ithout e&en thin*ing, I
burst in.
"Can I help you?" the teacher as*s, turning a"ay from the board, holding a bro*en piece
of "hite chal* in his hand.
I stand before the class, cringing as a fe" of Stacia-s minions moc* me as I fight to
catch my breath.
"Miles," I pant, pointing at him. "I need to spea* to Miles. It-ll only ta*e a sec," I promise,
as his teacher crosses his arms and gi&es me a dubious loo*. "It9s important," I add,
glancing at Miles "ho-s no" closed his eyes and is sha*ing his head.
"I assume you ha&e a hall pass?" his teacher as*s, a stic*ler for the rules.
(nd e&en though I *no" it might &ery "ell alienate him and end up "or*ing against me,
I don-t ha&e time to get bogged do"n in all this red tape, the high school bureaucracy
designed to *eep us all safebut that is actually, at this &ery moment, *eeping me from
handling a matter that is clearly life and death'
3r at least it might be.
I-m not sure. ,hough I-d li*e a chance to find out.
(nd I-m so frustrated, I 2ust sha*e my head and say, "<isten, you and I both *no" I don-t
ha&e a hall pass, but if you-ll 2ust do me the fa&or of letting me spea* "ith Miles outside
for a sec, I promise to send him right bac*."
He loo*s at me, his mind sifting through all the alternati&es, all the different "ays this
could play out: *ic*ing me out, escorting me to class, escorting me to $rincipal
%uc*ley-s officebefore glancing at Miles and sighing "hen he says, "#ine. Ma*e it
/uic*."
,he second "e head into the hall and the door closes behind us, I loo* at Miles and say,
"i&e me the sal&e."
"0hat?" He gapes.
",he sal&e. ,he one 5oman ga&e you. i&e it to me. I need to see it," I tell him,
extending my hand and "iggling my finger, "(re you cra1y?" he "hispers, loo*ing
around e&en though it-s 2ust "all8to8"all carpet, taupe colored "alls, and us.
"+ou ha&e no idea ho" serious this is," I say, my eyes on his, not "anting to scare him,
though I "ill if I ha&e to. "!o" come on, "e don-t ha&e all day."
"It-s in my bac*pac*." He shrugs.
-",hen go get it."
")&er, seriously. 0hat the?"
I 2ust fold my arms and nod. "oon. I9ll "ait."
Miles sha*es his head and disappears inside the room.
)merging a moment later "ith a sour expression and a small "hite tube in the palm of
his hand. "Here. Happy no"?" He tosses it to me.
I ta*e the tube and examine it, t"irling it bet"een my thumb and index finger. It-s a
brand that I recogni1e, from a store that I fre/uent. (nd I don-t understand ho" that
could be.
"+ou *no", in case you-&e forgotten, my play is tomorro", and I really don-t need all of
this extra drama and stress right no", so if you don-t mind ..."
He extends his hand, "aiting for me to return the sal&e so he can get bac* to class.
3nly I-m not "illing to hand it o&er 2ust yet. I9m loo*ing for some *ind of needle hole or
puncture mar*, something to pro&e it-s been tampered "ith, that it-s not "hat it seems.
"I mean, today at lunch "hen I sa" ho" you and .amen toned do"n the "hole
smoochy business, I "as ready to high8fi&e you, but no" it-s li*e you9&e replaced it "ith
something "ay "orse. I mean, seriously, )&er. )ither unscre" the cap and use it, or
gi&e it bac* already."
%ut I don-t gi&e it bac*. Instead, I close my fingers around it and try to read its energy.
%ut it-s 2ust some stupid 1it cream. ,he *ind that actually "or*s.
"(re "e done here?" He fro"ns at me.
I shrug and gi&e the tube bac*. ,o say I9m embarrassed "ould be putting it mildly. %ut
"hen Miles sho&es it into his poc*et and heads for the door, I can-t help but say, "So you
noticed?" ,he "ords feel hot and stic*y in my throat.
"!oticed "hat?" He stops, clearly annoyed.
",he, um, the absence of the "hole smoochy business?B
Miles turns, performing an exaggerated eye roll before le&eling his ga1e right on mine.
"+eah, I noticed. I figured you guys "ere 2ust ta*ing my threat seriously."
I loo* at him.
",his morning"hen I said Ha&en and I "ere on stri*e until you guys stopped "ith all
of your" He sha*es his head. "0hate&er. Can I please get to class?"
"Sorry." I nod. "Sorry about all the"
%ut before I can finish, he-s already gone, the door closed firmly bet"een us.
Chapter Six
0hen I get to sixth period art, I-m relie&ed to see .amen-s already there. Since Mr.
5obins *ept us so busy in )nglish and "e barely spo*e at lunch, I9m loo*ing for"ard to
a little alone time "ith him. 3r at least as alone as you can be in a classroom "ith thirty
other students.
%ut after slipping on my smoc* and gathering my supplies from the closet, my heart
sin*s "hen I see that, once again, 5oman has ta*en my place.
"3h, hey, )&er." He nods, placing his brand8ne" blan* can&as on my easel "hile I stand
there, cradling my stuff in my arms and staring at .amen "ho-s so immersed in his
painting he-s completely obli&ious to me.
(nd I-m 2ust about to tell 5oman to scram "hen I remember Ha&en-s "ords, ho" she
said I hate ne" people. (nd fearing she might be right, I force a smile onto my face and
place my can&as on the easel on .amen-s other side, promising myself to get here
much earlier tomorro" so I can reclaim my space. "So tell me. 0ot are "e doin- -ere,
mate?" 5oman as*s, lodging a paintbrush bet"een his front teeth and glancing bet"een
.amen and me. (nd that-s another thing. !ormally, I find %ritish accents really
appealing, but "ith this guy, it 2ust grates. %ut that-s probably because it-s totally bogus. I
mean, it-s so ob&ious "ith the "ay he only slips it in "hen he "ants to seem cool.
%ut as soon as I thin* it, I feel guilty again. )&eryone *no"s that trying too hard to loo*
cool is 2ust another sign of insecurity. (nd "ho "ouldn-t feel a little insecure on their first
day at this school? "0e-re studying the isms,B I say, determined to play nice despite the
nagging ping in my gut. "<ast month "e got to pic* our o"n, but this month, "e-re all
doing photorealism since nobody pic*ed that last time." 5oman loo*s at me, starting
"ith my gro"ing8out bangs and "or*ing his "ay all the "ay do"n to my gold Ha&iana
flip8flopsa slo" leisurely cruise along my body that ma*es my stomach go all 2umpy
and t"istedand not in a good "ay.
"5ight. So you ma*e it loo* real then, li*e a photograph," he says, his eyes on mine.
I meet his ga1e, a ga1e he insists on holding for se&eral seconds too long. %ut I refuse
to s/uirm or loo* a"ay first. I-m determined to stay in the game for as long as it ta*es.
(nd e&en though it may seem totally benign on the surface, something about it feels
dar*, threatening, li*e some *ind of dare.
3r maybe not.
%ecause right after I thin* that, he says, ",hese (merican schools are ama1ing' %ac*
home, in soggy old <ondon" he "in*s, "it "as al"ays theory o&er practice."
(nd I-m instantly ashamed for all of my 2udgmental thoughts. %ecause apparently, not
only is he from <ondon, "hich means his accent is real, but .amen, "hose psychic
po"ers are "ay more refined than mine, doesn-t seem the least bit alarmed.
If anything, he seems to li*e him. 0hich is e&en "orse for me, because it pretty much
pro&es that Ha&en is right.
I really am 2ealous.
(nd possessi&e.
(nd paranoid.
(nd apparently I hale ne" people too.
I ta*e a deep breath and try again, tal*ing past the lump in my throat and the *not in my
stomach, determined to come off as friendly, e&en if it means I ha&e to fa*e it at first.
"+ou can paint anything you "ant," I say, using my upbeat friendly &oice, "hich in my
old life, before my "hole family died in the accident and .amen sa&ed me by ma*ing
me immortal, "as pretty much the only &oice I e&er used.
"+ou 2ust ha&e to ma*e it loo* real, li*e a photograph. (ctually, "e-re supposed to use
an actual photograph to sho" our inspiration, and, of course, for grading purposes too.
+ou *no", so "e can pro&e that "e accomplished "hat "e set out to."
I glance at .amen, "ondering if he-s heard any of this and feeling annoyed that he-s
chosen his painting o&er communicating "ith me.
"(nd "hat-s he painting?" 5oman as*s, nodding at .amen-s can&as, a perfect depiction
of the blooming fields of Summerland. )&ery blade of grass, e&ery drop of "ater, e&ery
flo"er petal, so luminous, so textured, so tangibleit-s li*e being there. "<oo*s li*e
paradise." He nods.
"It is," I "hisper, so a"ed by the painting I ans"ered too /uic*ly, "ithout time to thin*
about "hat I 2ust said. Summerland is not 2ust a sacred placeit-s our secret place. 3ne
of the many secrets I-&e promised to *eep.
5oman loo*s at me, bro"s raised. "So it-s a real place then?"
%ut before I can ans"er, .amen sha*es his head and says, "She "ishes. %ut I made it
up, it only exists in my head." ,hen he shoots me a loo*, tac*ing on a telepathic
message of careful.
"So ho" do you ace the assignment, then? If you don9t ha&e a photo to pro&e it exists?"
5oman as*s, but .amen 2ust shrugs and gets bac* to painting.
%ut "ith 5oman still glancing bet"een us, his eyes all s/uinty and /uestioning, I *no" I
can-t lea&e it li*e that. So I loo* at him and say, ".arnell-s not so big on follo"ing the
rules. He prefers to ma*e his o"n."
5emembering all the times he con&inced me to ditch school, bet at the trac*, and
"orse. (nd "hen 5oman nods and turns to"ard his can&as, and .amen sends me a
telepathic bou/uet of red tulips, I *no" that it "or*edour secret is safe and all is o*ay.
So I dip my brush in some paint and get bac* to "or*. )ager for the bell to ring so "e
can head bac* to my house, and let the real lesson begin.
(fter class, "e pac* up our stuff and head for the par*ing lot. (nd despite my bid to be
nice to the ne" guy, I can-t help but smile "hen I see he-s par*ed clear on the other
side.
"See you tomorro"," I call, relie&ed to put some distance bet"een us, because despite
e&eryone-s instant infatuation "ith him, I-m 2ust not feeling it, no matter ho" hard I try.
I unloc* my car and toss my bag on the floor, starting to slide onto my seat as I say to
.amen, "Miles has rehearsal and I-m heading straight home. 0ant to follo"?"
I turn, surprised to find him standing before me, s"aying e&er so slightly from side to
side "ith a strained loo* on his face. "+ou o*ay?" I lift my palm to his chee*, feeling for
heat or clamminess, some sign of unease, e&en though I really don-t expect to find any.
(nd "hen .amen sha*es his head and loo*s at me, for a split second all the color
drains right a"ay. %ut then it-s o&er as soon as I blin*. "Sorry, I 2ustmy head feels a bit
strange," he says, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes.
"%ut I thought you ne&er get sic*, that "e don-t get sic*?" I say, unable to hide my alarm
as I reach for my bac*pac*. ,hin*ing a sip of immortal 2uice might ma*e him feel better
since he re/uires so much more than I. (nd e&en though "e-re not exactly sure "hy,
.amen figures that six centuries of chugging it ha&e resulted in some *ind of
dependency, re/uiring him to consume more and more "ith each passing year. 0hich
probably means I-ll e&entually re/uire more too. (nd e&en though it seems li*e a long
"ay off, I 2ust hope he sho"s me ho" to ma*e it by then so I "on-t ha&e to bug him for
refills all the time.
%ut before I can get to it, he retrie&es his o"n bottle and ta*es a long hearty s"ig,
pulling me to him and pressing his lips to my chee* "hen he says, "I-m o*ay. 5eally.
5ace you home?"
Chapter Seven
.amen dri&es fast. Insanely fast. I mean, 2ust because "e both ha&e ad&anced psychic
radar, "hich comes in handy for 1oning in on cops, opposing traffic, pedestrians, stray
animals, and anything else that might get in our "ay, that doesn-t mean "e should
abuse it.
%ut .amen thin*s other"ise. 0hich is "hy he-s already "aiting on my front porch
before I can e&en pull in and par*.
"I thought you-d ne&er ma*e it." He laughs, follo"ing me up to my room, "here he plops
onto my bed, pulls me do"n "ith him, and leans in for a nice lingering *issa *iss that,
if it "ere up to me, "ould ne&er end. I-d happily spend the rest of eternity "rapped in his
arms. 4ust *no"ing "e ha&e an infinite number of days to spend side by side pro&ides
more happiness than I can bear. ,hough I didn-t al"ays feel that "ay. I "as pretty upset
"hen I first learned the truth. So upset that I spent some time a"ay from him until I
could get it all straight in my head. I mean, it-s not e&ery day you hear someone say:
3h, by the "ay, I-m an immortal, and I made you one too.
(nd "hile I "as pretty reluctant to belie&e him at first, after he "al*ed me through it,
reminding me of ho" I died in the accident, ho" I loo*ed right into his eyes the moment
he returned me to life, and ho" I recogni1ed those eyes the first time I met him at
school"ell, there "as no denying it "as true. ,hough that doesn-t mean I "as "illing
to accept it. It "as bad enough dealing "ith the barrage of psychic abilities brought on
by my !.) 6near death experiencethey insist on calling it near, e&en though I really
did die 7, and ho" I started hearing other people-s thoughts, getting their life stories by
touch, tal*ing to the dead, and more. !ot to mention that being immortal, as cool as it
may sound, also means I-ll ne&er get to cross the bridge. I-ll ne&er ma*e it to the other
side to see my family again. (nd "hen you thin* about it, that-s a pretty big trade.
I pull a"ay, my lips reluctantly lea&ing his as I ga1e into his eyesthe same eyes I-&e
ga1ed into for four hundred years. ,hough no matter ho" hard I try, I can9t summon our
past. 3nly .amen, "ho-s stayed the same for the last six hundred yearsneither dying
nor reincarnatingholds the *ey.
"0hat-re you thin*ing?" he as*s, his fingers smoothing the cur&e of my chee*, lea&ing a
trail of "armth in their path.
I ta*e a deep breath, *no"ing ho" committed he is to staying in the present, but
determined to *no" more of my history our history. "I "as thin*ing about "hen "e first
met," I say, "atching his bro" lift as he sha*es his head.
"0ere you? (nd "hat exactly do you remember from that time?"
"!othing." I shrug. "(bsolutely nothing. 0hich is "hy I-m hoping you-ll fill me in. +ou
don-t ha&e to tell me e&erythingI mean, I *no" ho" you hate loo*ing bac*. I-m 2ust
really curious about ho" it all startedho" "e first met."
He pulls a"ay and rolls onto his bac*, his body still, his lips unmo&ing, and I fear this is
the only response that I-ll get.
"$lease?" I murmur, inching to"ard him and curling my body around his. "It-s not fair
that you get all the details "hile I-m left out here in the dar*. 4ust gi&e me something to
go on. 0here did "e li&e? 0hat did I loo* li*e? Ho" did "e meet? 0as it lo&e at first
sight?"
He shifts e&er so slightly, then rolls onto his side, burying his hand in my hair as he
says, "It "as #rance, CDEF."
I gulp, ta*ing a /uic* inta*e of breath as I "ait to hear more.
"$aris, actually."
$aris' I immediately picture elaborate go"ns, stolen *isses on the $ont !euf, gossiping
"ith Marie (ntoinette...
"I attended a dinner at a friend-s house" He pauses, his ga1e mo&ing past mine,
centuries a"ay no". "(nd you "ere "or*ing as a ser&ant."
( ser&ant?
"3ne of their ser&ants. ,hey "ere &ery "ealthy. ,hey had many."
I lie there, stunned. ,his is not "hat I expected.
"+ou "eren-t li*e the others," he says, his &oice lo"ered to almost a "hisper. "+ou "ere
beautiful.
)xtraordinarily beautiful. +ou loo*ed a lot li*e you do no"." He smiles, gathering a chun*
of my hair and rubbing it bet"een his t"o fingers. "(nd also li*e no", you "ere
orphaned, ha&ing lost your family in a fire. (nd so, left penniless, "ith no one to support
you, you "ere employed by my friends."
I s"allo" hard, not sure ho" I feel about this. I mean, "hat-s the point of reincarnating if
you-re forced to reli&e the same *ind of painful moments all o&er again?
"(nd yes, 2ust so you *no", it "as lo&e at first sight. I fell completely and irre&ersibly in
lo&e "ith you. ,he &ery moment I sa" you I *ne" that my life "ould ne&er be the same."
He loo*s at me, his fingers on my temples, his ga1e luring me in, presenting the
moment in all its intensity, unfolding the scene as though I-m right there.
My blond hair is hidden under a cap, my blue eyes are shy and afraid to ma*e contact,
and "ith clothes so drab and fingers so calloused, my beauty is "asted, easily missed.
%ut .amen sees it. ,he moment I enter the room his eyes find mine. <oo*ing past my
scruffy exterior to the soul that refuses to hide. (nd he-s so dar*, so stri*ing, so refined,
so handsomeI turn a"ay. Ano"ing the buttons on his coat alone are "orth more than
I-ll ma*e in a year. Ano"ing "ithout loo*ing t"ice that he-s out of my league. . ."Still, I
had to mo&e cautiously because"
"%ecause you "ere already married to .rina'" I "hisper, "atching the scene in my head
and o&erhearing one of the dinner guests in/uire about her, our eyes meeting briefly as
.amen says: ".rina is in Hungary. 0e ha&e gone our separate "ays.-- Ano"ing he-ll be
the source of scandal, but "anting me to hear it more than caring "hat they-ll thin*...
"She and I "ere already li&ing apart, so it "asn-t an issue. ,he reason I had to tread
cautiously is because fraterni1ing outside of one-s class "as se&erely fro"ned upon
bac* then. (nd because you "ere so innocent, so &ulnerable in so many "ays, I didn-t
"ant to cause you any trouble, especially if you didn-t feel the same "ay."
"%ut I did feel the same "ay'" I say, "atching as "e mo&e past that night, and ho"
e&ery time I "ent into to"n, I-d manage to run into him.
"I-m afraid I resorted to follo"ing you." He loo*s at me, his face chagrined. ";ntil "e
finally bumped into each other so often, you began to trust me. (nd then.
(nd then "e met in secret stolen *isses 2ust outside the ser&ant-s entrance, a
passionate embrace in a dar* alley"ay or inside his carriage. . ."3nly no" I *no" that it
"asn-t nearly as secret as I-d thought ..." He sighs. ".rina "as ne&er in Hungary, she
"as there all along. 0atching, planning, determined to "in me bac*no matter the
cost." He ta*es a deep breath, the regret of four centuries displayed on his face. "I
"anted to ta*e care of you, )&er. I "anted to gi&e you anything and e&erything your
heart desired. I "anted to treat you li*e the princess you "ere born to be. (nd "hen I
finally con&inced you to come a"ay "ith me, I-d ne&er felt so happy and ali&e. 0e "ere
to meet at midnight"
"%ut I ne&er sho"ed," I say, seeing him pacing, "orried, distressed, con&inced I-d
changed my mind.
"It "asn-t until the next day that I learned you-d been *illed in an accident, run o&er by a
coach on your "ay to meet me." (nd "hen he loo*s at me, he sho"s me his griefhis
unbearable, all8consuming, soul8crushing grief. "(t the time, it ne&er occurred to me that
.rina "as responsible, I had no idea until she confessed it to you. It seemed li*e an
accident, a horrible, unfortunate accident. (nd I guess I "as too numb "ith grief to
suspect anything else"
"Ho" old "as I?" I as*, barely able to breathe, *no"ing I "as young, but "anting the
details. He pulls me closer, his fingers tracing the planes of my face "hen he says, "+ou
"ere sixteen, and your name "as )&aline." His lips play at my ear. ")&aline," I "hisper,
feeling an instant connection to my tragic former self "ho, orphaned young, lo&ed by
.amen, and dead at sixteenis not so different from my current self.
"It "asn-t until many years later "hen I sa" you again in !e" )ngland, ha&ing
incarnated as a $uritan-s daughterthat I began to belie&e in happiness again."
"( $uritan-s daughter?" I ga1e into his eyes, "atching as he sho"s me a dar*8haired,
pale8s*inned girl in a se&ere blue dress. "0ere all of my li&es so boring?" I sha*e my
head. "(nd "hat *ind of horrible accident too* me that time?"
".ro"ning." He sighs, and the moment he says it, I-m o&ercome by his grief all o&er
again. "I "as so de&astated I sailed right bac* to <ondon, "here I li&ed off and on for
many years. (nd I "as 2ust about to head off to ,unisia "hen you resurfaced as a
beautiful, "ealthy, and rather spoiled I might saylando"ner-s daughter in <ondon."
"Sho" me'" I nu11le against him, eager to &ie" a more glamorous lifehis finger
tracing my bro" as a pretty brunette in a gorgeous green dress "ith a complicated up
do and a smattering of 2e"els appears in my mind.
( rich, spoiled, conni&ing flirt her life a series of parties and shopping trips "hose
sights are set firmly on someone else until she meets .amen...
"(nd that time?" I as*, sad to see her go, but needing to *no" ho" she "ent.
"( terrible fall." He closes his eyes. "%y that point, I "as sure I "as being punished
granted eternal life, but one "ithout lo&e."
He cradles my face in his hands, his fingers emitting such tenderness, such re&erence,
such delicious "arm tingleI close my eyes and snuggle closer. #ocusing on the feel of
his s*in as our bodies press tightly together, e&erything around us slipping a"ay until
there9s nothing but usno past, no future, nothing but this moment in time.
I mean, I-m "ith him, and he-s "ith me, and that-s the "ay it-s meant to eternally be. (nd
"hile all those prior li&es may be interesting, their only real purpose "as to get us to this
one. (nd no" that .rina is gone, there-s nothing that can stand in our "ay, nothing that
can *eep us from mo&ing for"ardexcept me. (nd e&en though I "ant to *no"
e&erything that happened before, for no" it can "ait. It-s time for me to mo&e past my
petty 2ealousies and insecurities, to stop finding excuses and finally commit to ta*ing
that big leap for"ard after all of these years.
%ut 2ust as I-m about to tell him, he mo&es a"ay so abruptly, it-s a moment before I can
get to his side.
"0hat is it?" I cry, seeing his thumbs pressed to his temples as he struggles to breathe.
(nd "hen he turns to me, there-s no recognition. His ga1e goes right through me.
%ut 2ust as soon as I percei&e it, it-s already passed.
5eplaced "ith the lo&ing "armth I-&e gro"n used to, as he rubs his eyes and sha*es his
head, loo*ing at me "hen he says, "I ha&en-t felt li*e this since before"
He stops and stares into space, "0ell, maybe ne&er."
%ut "hen he sees the concern on my face, he adds, "%ut I-m fine, really." (nd "hen I
refuse to loosen my grip, he smiles and says, "Hey, ho" about a trip to Summerland?"
"Seriously?" I say, my eyes lighting up.
,he first time I &isited that "onderful place, that magical dimension bet"een the
dimensionsI "as dead. (nd I "as so entranced by its beauty I "as reluctant to lea&e.
,he second time I &isited "as "ith .amen. (nd after he sho"ed me all of its glorious
possibilities, I-&e longed to return. %ut as Summerland can only be accessed by the
spiritually ad&anced 6or those already dead7, I can-t get there alone.
"0hy not?" He shrugs.
"0ell, "hat about my lessons," I say, trying to appear interested in studying and learning
ne" tric*s, "hen the truth is, I-d much rather go to Summerland "here e&erything is
effortless and instant. "!ot to mention ho" you-re not feeling so "ell." I s/uee1e his arm
again, noticing ho" the usual "armth and tingle still hasn9t fully returned.
",here are lessons to be learned in Summerland too."
He smiles. "(nd if you-ll hand me my 2uice, I-ll feel "ell enough to ma*e us the portal."
%ut e&en after I hand it o&er and he ta*es se&eral long hearty gulps, he can-t ma*e it
appear.
"Maybe I can help?" I say, staring at the s"eat on his bro".
"!oI 2ustI almost had it. 4ust gi&e me another second," he mumbles, clenching his
2a", determined to get there.
So I do. In fact, I let the seconds turn into minutes, and still nothing.
"I don-t understand." He s/uints. ",his hasn9t happened sincesince I first learned ho"
to do it."
"Maybe it-s because you-re not feeling "ell." I "atch as he ta*es another drin*, follo"ed
by another, and then another. (nd "hen he closes his eyes and tries again, he gets the
exact same results as before. "Can I try?"
"#orget it. +ou don-t *no" ho"," he says, his &oice containing an edge I try not to ta*e
personally, *no"ing it-s due more to his frustration "ith himself than "ith me.
"I *no" I don-t *no" ho", but I thought maybe you could teach me and then I"
%ut before I can finish, he-s up from the bed, pacing before me. "It-s a process, )&er. It
too* me years to learn ho" to get there. +ou can-t 2ust s*ip to the end of the boo*
"ithout reading the middle." He sha*es his head and leans against my des*, his body
rigid and tense, his ga1e refusing mine.
"(nd "hen "as the last time you read a boo* "ithout already *no"ing the beginning,
middle, and end?" I smile.
He loo*s at me, his face a series of hard edges and angles, but only for a moment
before he sighs and mo&es to"ard me, ta*ing my hand as he says, "+ou "ant to try?"
I nod.
He loo*s me o&er, clearly doubting it-ll "or*, but "anting to please me more than
anything else. "3*ay then, ma*e yourself comfortable, but don-t cross your legs li*e
that. It cuts off the chi."
"Chi?"
"( fancy "ord for energy." He smiles. ";nless you "ant to sit in the lotus position, then
that-s perfectly fine."
I *ic* off my flip8flops and press my soles against the carpeted floor, getting as
comfortable and relaxed as my excitement "ill allo".
";sually it re/uires a long series of meditations, but in the interest of time, and since
you-re already pretty ad&anced, "e-re 2ust going to cut to the chase, o*ay?"
I nod, eager to get started.
"I "ant you to close your eyes and imagine a shimmering &eil of soft golden light
ho&ering before you," he says, ent"ining his fingers "ith mine.
So I do, picturing an exact replica of the one that got me there before, the one .amen
placed in my path to sa&e me from .rina. (nd it-s so beautiful, so brilliant, and so
luminous, my heart s"ells "ith 2oy as I raise my hand to"ard it, eager to immerse it in
that radiant sho"er of glistening light, longing to return to that mystical place. (nd 2ust
as my fingers ma*e contact and are about to submerge, it shrin*s from my sight and I-m
bac* in my room.
"I can-t belie&e it' I "as so close'" I turn to"ard .amen. "It "as right there before me'
.id you see it?"
"+ou came remar*ably close," he says. (nd e&en though his ga1e is tender, his smile is
forced.
"0hat if I try it again? 0hat if "e do it together this time?" I say, my hope plummeting
the instant he sha*es his head and turns a"ay.
")&er, "e "ere doing it together," he mutters, "iping his bro" and a&erting his ga1e.
"I-m afraid I-m not turning out to be a &ery good teacher."
",hat-s ridiculous' +ou-re a great teacher, you-re 2ust ha&ing an off day, that-s all." %ut
"hen I loo* at him, it-s clear he-s not s"ayed. So I s"itch tactics, placing the blame bac*
on me "hen I say, "It-s my fault. I-m a bad student. I-m la1y, sloppy, and spend most of
my time trying to distract you from my lessons so "e can ma*e out." I s/uee1e his
hand. "%ut I-m past all that no". (nd I-m about to get &ery serious. So 2ust gi&e me
another chance, you-ll see."
He loo*s at me, doubting it-ll "or*, but not "anting to disappoint me, he ta*es my hand
and "e both try again, the t"o of us closing our eyes, en&isioning that glorious portal of
light. (nd 2ust as it starts to ta*e shape, Sabine "al*s through the front door and starts
up the stairs, catching us so off guard, "e scramble to opposite sides of the room.
".amen, I thought that "as your car in the dri&e."
She slips off her 2ac*et and co&ers the space from the door to my des* in a handful of
steps. ,he amped8up energy of her office still clinging to her as she sha*es his hand
and focuses on the bottle balanced on his *nee. "So you-re the one "ho got )&er
hoo*ed." She glances bet"een us, her eyes narro"ed, her lips pursed, li*e she-s got all
the e&idence she needs. I pee* at .amen, panic rising in my throat, "ondering ho" he-ll
explain. %ut he 2ust laughs it off "hen he says, "uilty' Most people don-t ha&e the taste
for it, but for "hate&er reason, )&er seems to li*e it." ,hen he smiles in a "ay that-s
meant to be persuasi&e, if not charming, and if you as* me, it nails both. %ut Sabine 2ust
continues to ga1e at him, completely unmo&ed. ",hat-s all she seems to be interested in
anymore, I buy bags and bags of groceries, but she refuses to eat."
",hat-s not true'" I say, annoyed that she-s starting this all o&er again, especially in front
of .amen. %ut "hen I see the chai latte stain on her blouse, my annoyance turns to
outrage. "Ho"-d you get that?" I motion to"ard the spot li*e it-s a scarlet letter, a mar* of
disgrace, *no"ing I ha&e to do "hate&er it ta*es to dissuade her from returning anytime
soon.
She ga1es do"n at her blouse, her fingers rubbing against it as she pauses to thin*,
then she sha*es her head and shrugs "hen she says, "I bumped into someone." (nd
the "ay she says it, so casual, so offhand, so blasG, it-s ob&ious she-s not nearly as
impressed "ith the encounter as Muno1 seemed to be.
"So, are "e still on for dinner Saturday night?" she as*s.
I s"allo" hard, telepathically urging .amen to 2ust nod and smile and ans"er in the
affirmati&e e&en though he has no idea "hat she-s tal*ing about, since I failed to
mention it before.
"I made reser&ations for eight."
I hold my breath, "atching as he nods and smiles 2ust li*e I as*ed him to. )&en
choosing to ta*e it a step further by adding, "0ouldn-t miss it."
He sha*es Sabine-s hand and heads out the door, his fingers ent"ined around mine,
sending a "arm "onderful thrum through my body. "Sorry about the "hole dinner
telling," I say, ga1ing up at him. "I guess I "as hoping she-d get really busy and forget all
about it."
He presses his lips to my chee*, then slides into his car. "She cares about you. 0ants
to ma*e sure I9m good enough, sincere, and not out to hurt you. %elie&e me, "e-&e been
through this before. (nd though I may ha&e come close once or t"ice, I don-t remember
e&er failing inspection." He smiles.
"(" yes, the strict $uritan father," I say, figuring he9s the perfect description of an
o&erbearing parental type.
"+ou-d be surprised." .amen laughs. ",he "ealthy lando"ner "as much more of a
gate*eeper. (nd yet still, I managed to snea* by."
"Maybe someday you-ll sho" me your past," I say.
"+ou *no", ho" your life "as before "e met. +our home, your parents, ho" you
became this "ay ..." My &oice trails off, seeing the flash of pain in his eyes and *no"ing
he-s still un"illing to discuss it. He al"ays shuts do"n, refuses to share, "hich only
ma*es me e&en more curious.
"!one of that matters," he says, releasing my hand and fiddling "ith his mirrors,
anything to a&oid loo*ing at me. "(ll that matters is no".B
"+eah, but .amen" I start, "anting to explain that it9s not 2ust curiosity I-m after, but a
closeness, a bond, "ishing he-d trust me "ith those long8ago secrets. %ut "hen I loo* at
him again, I *no" better than to press.
%esides, maybe it-s time I extend a little trust too.
"I "as thin*ing ..." I say, my fingers fiddling "ith the hem on my shirt.
He loo*s at me, his hand on the clutch, ready to shift into re&erse.
"0hy don-t you go ahead and ma*e that reser&ation."
I nod, my lips pressed together, my ga1e focused on his. "+ou *no", for the Montage or
the 5it1?" I add, holding my breath as his beautiful dar* eyes gra1e o&er my face.
"+ou sure?"
I nod. Ano"ing I am. 0e-&e been "aiting for this moment for hundreds of years, so "hy
delay any longer? "More than sure," I say, my eyes meeting his.
He smiles, his face lighting up for the first time all day. (nd I-m so relie&ed to see him
loo*ing normal again after that strange beha&ior from beforehis remoteness at school,
his inability to ma*e the portal appear, his not feeling "ellall of it so unli*e the .amen
I *no". He-s al"ays so strong, sexy, beautiful, and in&incibleimmune to "ea*
moments and bad days. (nd seeing him &ulnerable li*e that has left me far more
sha*en than I care to admit. "Consider it done," he says, filling my arms "ith do1ens of
manifested red tulips before speeding a"ay.
Chapter Eight
,he next morning "hen I meet .amen in the par*ing lot, all my "orries disappear.
%ecause the moment he opens my door and helps me out of my car, I notice ho"
healthy he loo*s, ho" de&astatingly handsome he is, and "hen I loo* in his eyes, it-s
clear that all of yesterday-s "eirdness is o&er. 0e are more in lo&e than e&er.
Seriously. (ll through )nglish he can barely *eep his hands off of me. Constantly
leaning to"ard my des* and "hispering into my ear, much to Mr. 5obins-s annoyance,
and Stacia and Honor-s disgust. (nd no" that "e-re at lunch, he hasn-t let up a bit,
stro*ing my chee* and ga1ing into my eyes, pausing only to ta*e the occasional sip of
his drin* before pic*ing up right "here he left off, murmuring s"eet nothings into my ear.
;sually "hen he acts li*e that, it-s partly out of lo&e, and partly to tone do"n all of the
noise and energyall of the random sights, sounds, and colors that constantly bombard
me. )&er since I bro*e the psychic shield I-d made a fe" months bac*, a shield that shut
e&erything out and made me as clueless as I "as before I died and came bac* psychic,
I-&e yet to find a "ay to replace it that "ill allo" me to channel the energies I "ant "hile
bloc*ing the energies I don-t "ant. (nd since .amen-s ne&er struggled "ith this, he-s not
sure ho" to teach me. %ut no" that he-s bac* in my life, it no longer seems all that
urgent, because the mere sound of his &oice can silence the "orld, "hile the touch of
his s*in ma*es my "hole body tingle. (nd "hen I loo* in his eyes, "ell, let-s 2ust say that
I-m instantly o&ercome by this "arm, "onderful, magnetic pull li*e it-s 2ust him and I
and e&erything else has ceased to exist. .amen-s li*e my perfect psychic shield. My
ultimate other half. (nd e&en "hen "e can-t be together, the telepathic thoughts and
images he sends pro&ide that same calming effect.
%ut today, all of those s"eet murmurings aren-t 2ust to shield methey-re mostly about
our upcoming plans.
,he suite he boo*ed at the Montage 5esort. (nd ho" he9s yearned so long for this
night.
".o you ha&e any idea "hat it-s li*e to "ait for something for four hundred years?" he
"hispers, his lips nipping at the cur&e of my ear.
"#our hundred? I thought you-&e been around for six hundred?" I say, pulling a"ay to
get a better &ie" of his face.
";nfortunately a couple of centuries had to pass before I found you," he "hispers, his
mouth ma*ing its "ay from my nec* to my ear. ","o &ery lonely centuries, I might add."
I s"allo" hard. Ano"ing the loneliness he refers to does not necessarily mean he "as
alone. In fact, /uite the contrary. %ut still, I don-t call him on it. In fact, I don-t say a "ord.
I-m committed to mo&ing past all of that, getting o&er my insecurities and mo&ing
for"ard. 4ust li*e I promised I "ould.
I refuse to thin* about ho" he spent those first t"o hundred years "ithout me.
3r ho" he spent the next four hundred getting o&er the fact that he-d lost me.
!or "ill I e&en begin to consider the six8hundred8year head start he has on studying and
practicing theumsensual arts.
(nd I "ill absolutely, positi&ely, not d"ell on all of the beautiful, "orldly, experienced
"omen he *ne" o&er the span of those years.
!ope.
!ot me.
I refuse to e&en go there.
"Shall I pic* you up at six?" he as*s, gathering my hair at my nape and t"isting it into a
long blond rope. "0e can go to dinner first."
")xcept "e don-t really eat," I remind him.
"(hh, yes. ood point." He smiles, releasing my hair so that it flo"s bac* around my
shoulders and drops do"n to my "aist. ",hough I-m sure "e can find something else to
occupy our time?"
I smile, ha&ing already told Sabine that I-m staying at Ha&en9s and hoping she doesn-t
try to follo" up. She used to be so good about ta*ing me at my "ord, but e&er since I
"as caught drin*ing, got suspended, and basically stopped eating, she-s been prone to
follo"ing through.
"(re you sure you-re o*ay "ith all this?" .amen as*s, misreading the loo* on my face
as indecision, "hen it9s really 2ust ner&es.
I smile and lean in to *iss him, eager to erase any lingering doubts 6mine more than
his7, 2ust as Miles tosses his bag on the table and says, "3h, Ha&en, loo*' ,hey-re bac*.
,he lo&ebirds ha&e returned'"
I pull a"ay, my face flushing "ith embarrassment as Ha&en laughs and sits do"n
beside him, her eyes scanning the tables as she says, "0here-s 5oman? (nyone seen
him?"
"He "as in homeroom." Miles shrugs, remo&ing the top from his yogurt and hunching
o&er his script.
(nd he "as in history, I thin*, remembering ho" I ignored him all through class, despite
his numerous attempts to get my attention, and ho" after the bell rang, I hung bac*,
pretending to loo* for something in my bag. $referring the "eight of Mr. Muno1-s
penetrating stare and his conflicted thoughts about me6my good grades &ersus my
undeniable "eirdness7 to dealing "ith 5oman.
Ha&en shrugs and opens her cupca*e box, sighing "hen she says, "0ell, it "as nice
"hile it lasted."
"0hat-re you tal*ing about?" Miles loo*s up as she points straight ahead, her lips
t"isted to the side, her eyes completely de2ected, as "e all follo" her finger, all the "ay
to "here 5oman is tal*ing and laughing "ith Stacia, Honor, Craig, and the rest of the (8
list cre". "%ig deal." He shrugs. "+ou 2ust "ait, he-ll be bac*."
"+ou don-t *no" that," Ha&en says, shedding the s*irt from her red &el&et cupca*e, her
ga1e still focused on 5oman.
"$lease. 0e-&e seen it a million times before. )&ery ne" *id "ith the slightest potential
for cool has ended up at that table at some point. 3nly the truly cool ne&er last long
because the truly cool end up here." He laughs, tapping the yello" fiberglass table "ith
the tips of his bright pin* nails.
"!ot me," I say, eager to steer the con&ersation a"ay from 5oman, *no"ing I-m the only
one "ho-s happy to see he-s abandoned us for a much cooler cro"d. "I started out here
from the &ery first day," I remind them.
"+eah, go figure." Miles laughs. ",hough I "as referring to .amen. 5emember ho" he
got suc*ed o&er to the other side for a "hile? %ut e&entually he came to his senses and
found his "ay bac*, 2ust li*e 5oman "ill."
I ga1e do"n at my drin*, t"isting the bottle around in my hand. %ecause e&en though I
*no" .amen "as ne&er sincere about his brief flirtation "ith Stacia, that he only did it to
get to me, to see if I cared, the images of the t"o of them standing so close together are
fore&er burned into my brain.
"+es, I did," .amen says, s/uee1ing my hand and *issing my chee*, sensing my
thoughts e&en if he can9t al"ays read them. "I certainly came to my senses."
"+ou see? So, "e can only ha&e faith that 5oman "ill too." Miles nods. "(nd if he
doesn-t, then he "as ne&er truly cool to begin "ith, right?"
Ha&en shrugs and rolls her eyes, lic*ing a glob of frosting from her thumb and
mumbling, "0hate&er."
"0hy do you care so much any"ay?" Miles peers at her. "I thought you "ere all about
4osh?"
"I am all about 4osh," she says, a&oiding his ga1e as she "ipes some non8existent
crumbs from her lap. %ut "hen I loo* at her and see the "ay her aura "a&ers and has a
deceitful shade of green, I can tell it-s not true. She-s smitten and that-s all there is to it.
(nd if 5oman becomes smitten too, then it-s adios 4osh, hello creepy ne" guy.
I un1ip my lunch pac*, going through the motions of pretending I-m still interested in
food "hen I hear: "(y, mate, "hat time-s the premiere?"
"Curtain-s at eight. 0hy? +ou coming?" Miles as*s, his eyes lighting up, his aura
glo"ing in a "ay that ma*es it pretty ob&ious he hopes that he "ill. "0ouldn-t miss it,"
5oman says, sliding onto the space beside Ha&en and bumping her shoulder in the
smarmiest, most insincere "ay. Clearly a"are of the effect it elicits and not afraid to
exploit it. "So ho" "as life among the (8list? )&erything you dreamed it "ould be?" she
as*s in a &oice that, if you couldn-t see her aura, you-d thin* she "as flirting. %ut I *no"
she-s serious, because auras don-t lie. 5oman reaches to"ard her, gently pushing her
bangs a"ay from her face. ( gesture so intimate her chee*s flush bright pin*. "0ot-s
that no"?" he says, his ga1e fixed on hers.
"+ou *no", table (? 0here you "ere sitting?" She mumbles, struggling to *eep her
composure "hile under his spell.
",he lunchtime caste system," Miles says, brea*ing their enchantment and pushing his
half8eaten yogurt aside. "It-s the same at e&ery school. )&eryone di&ides into cli/ues
designed to *eep others out. ,hey can9t help themsel&es, they 2ust do. (nd those people
you "ere 2ust "ith? ,hey-re the top cli/ue, "hich, in the high school caste system,
ma*es them ,he 5ulers. (s opposed to the people you-re sitting "ith no"" He points
at himself. "0ho are other"ise *no"n as ,he ;ntouchables."
"%ulloc*s'" 5oman says, pulling a"ay from Ha&en and popping the top on his soda.
"Complete rubbish. I don9t buy it."
".oesn-t matter if you do. It-s still a fact." Miles shrugs, ga1ing longingly at table (
%ecause despite ho" he goes on and on about our table being the truly cool table, the
truth is, he-s painfully a"are that in the eyes of the %ay =ie" student body, there-s
nothing cool about it.
"It may be your fact, but it-s not mine. I don-t do "ith segregation, mate. I li*e a free and
open society, room to roam around and explore all my options." ,hen, loo*ing at
.amen, he says, "0hat about you? +ou belie&e in all this?"
%ut .amen 2ust shrugs and continues ga1ing at me. He couldn-t care less about (8lists
and %8lists, "ho-s cool and "ho-s not. I-m the only reason he enrolled in this school, and
I-m the only reason he stays. "0ell, it-s nice to ha&e a dream." Ha&en sighs, inspecting
her short blac* nails. "%ut it-s e&en nicer "hen there-s a remote possibility of it coming
true."
"(", but that-s "here you-re "rong, lu&. It-s not a dream at all." 5oman smiles in a "ay
that ma*es her aura beam a bright shimmery pin*. "I-ll ma*e it happen. +ou-ll see."
"So "hat? +ou fancy yourself the Che ue&ara of %ay =ie" High?" My &oice contains a
sting I don-t bother to hide. ,hough to be honest, I-m more surprised by my use of the
"ord fancy than the tone of my &oice. I mean, since "hen do I tal* li*e that? %ut "hen I
glance at 5oman and see his expansi&e, o&er"helming, yello"8orange aura, I *no"
he-s affecting me too.
"I rather fancy that, yes." He smiles his languid grin, his eyes ga1ing into mine so
deeply, I feel li*e I-m na*edli*e he sees e&erything, *no"s e&erything, and there-s
no"here to hide. "4ust thin* of me as a re&olutionary, because by the end of next "ee*,
this lunchtime caste system "ill come to an end. 0e-re going to brea* these self8
imposed barriers, push all the tables together, and ha&e oursel&es a party'"
"Is that your prediction?" I narro" my ga1e, trying to deflect all of his intrusi&e energy
a"ay. %ut he 2ust laughs, not the least bit offended. ( laugh that, on the surface, is so
"arm, engaging, and all8encompassingno one "ould guess at the subtext beneath
the creepy edge, the hint of malice, the barely concealed threat meant solely for me. "I-ll
belie&e it "hen I see it," Ha&en says, "iping red crumbs from her lips.
"Seeing is belie&ing," 5oman says, his eyes right on mine.
"So "hat-s your ta*e on all that?" I as*, 2ust after the bell rings and 5oman, Ha&en, and
Miles head off to class as .amen and I lag behind.
"3f all "hat?" he as*s, pulling me to a stop.
"3f 5oman. (nd all of his lunch8table re&olution nonsense?" I say, desperate for some
&alidation that I9m not 2ealous, possessi&e, or cra1ythat 5oman really is a creepand
that it has nothing to do "ith me.
%ut .amen 2ust shrugs. "If you don-t mind, I-d rather not focus on 5oman right no". I-m
far more interested in you. "
He pulls me to"ard him, besto"ing me "ith a long, deep, breath8stealing *iss. (nd e&en
though "e9re standing right in the middle of the /uad, it-s as though e&erything around
us no longer exists. <i*e the entire "orld has shrun* do"n to this one single point. (nd
by the time I brea* a"ay, I-m so charged, so heated, and so breathless, I can barely
spea*.
"0e-re going to be late," I finally manage, ta*ing his hand and pulling him to"ard class.
%ut he-s stronger than I am, so he simply stays put. "I "as thin*ing"hat do you say
"e s*ip it?" he "hispers, his lips on my temple, my chee*, then my ear. "+ou *no", 2ust
blo" off the rest of the daysince there are so many other, better places "e could be."
I ga1e at him, nearly s"ayed by his magnetism, but I sha*e my head and pull a"ay. I
mean, I get that he finished school hundreds of years ago and no" finds it all rather
tedious. (nd e&en though I mostly find it tedious too, since ha&ing instant *no"ledge of
all the stuff they-re trying to teach really does ma*e it seem pretty pointless, it-s still one
of the fe" things in my life that feels some"hat normal. (nd e&er since the accident,
"hen I reali1ed I-d ne&er be normal again, "ell, it made me pri1e it that much more. "I
thought you said "e "ere supposed to maintain a normal facade at all costs," I say,
pulling him along as he grudgingly lags behind. "Isn-t attending class and feigning
interest part of that facade?"
"%ut "hat could be more normal than t"o hormonal teens, ditching school and getting
an early start on the "ee*end?" He smiles, the "armth of his beautiful dar* eyes nearly
luring me in.
%ut I sha*e my head again and hold firm, gripping his arm e&en tighter as I drag him
to"ard class.
Chapter Nine
Since "e-re spending the night together, .amen doesn-t follo" me home after school.
Instead, "e share a brief *iss in the par*ing lot before I climb into my car and head for
the mall.
I "ant to buy something special for tonightsomething pretty for Miles-s play and my
big dateboth of us starring in our o"n *ind of debut. %ut after chec*ing my "atch and
seeing I don-t ha&e as much time as I thought, I "onder if I should-&e ta*en .amen up
on his offer to ditch school. I cruise through the par*ing lot, "ondering if I should try to
find Ha&en. 0e ha&en-t really hung out that much since that "hole "eird thing "ith
.rina, and then "hen she met 4osh, "ell, e&en though he doesn-t go to our school,
they-&e been pretty much 2oined at the hip e&er since. He e&en managed to "ean her
from her support group addiction. Her after8school ritual of scoping out random church
basements and loading up on punch and coo*ies, "hile ma*ing up some sob story
about that particular day-s addiction. (nd up until no", I ha&en-t really minded seeing
less of her since she seems so happy. <i*e she-s finally found someone "ho not only
li*es her but "ho-s good for her too. %ut lately I-m starting to miss her, and I-m thin*ing a
little time together might do me some good.
I spot her and 5oman leaning against his &intage red sports car, "atching as Ha&en
grabs hold of his arm and laughs at something he said. ,he se&erity of her blac* s*inny
2eans, blac* shrun*en cardigan, #all 3ut %oy tan*, and purposely messy dyed blac*
hair "ith shoc*ing red stripe, all softened by her rosy pin* aura, its edges expanding,
reaching, until it s"allo"s them both. <ea&ing no room for doubt that if 5oman feels the
same "ay, 4osh "ill soon be replaced. (nd e&en though I-m determined to stop it before
it-s too late, I-&e 2ust started to cruise by "hen 5oman glances o&er his shoulder and
peers at me "ith a ga1e so insistent, so intimate, so loaded "ith un*no"n intentI
punch the pedal and 1oom past.
%ecause despite the fact that my friends all thin* he-s so cool, despite the fact that the
(8list agrees, despite the fact that .amen isn-t the least bit alarmedI don-t li*e him.
)&en though my feelings are based on nothing more substantial than a constant ping in
my gut "hene&er he-s nearthe fact is: ,hat ne" guy really gi&es me the creeps.
Since it-s hot, I head o&er to the indoor mall of South Coast $la1a as opposed to the
outdoor mall of #ashion Island, e&en though the locals "ould probably do the opposite.
%ut I-m not a local. I-m an 3regonian. 0hich means I-m used to my pre8spring "eather
being much more, "ell, pre8spring li*e. +ou *no", gobs of rain, o&ercast s*ies, and
plenty of mud. <i*e a real spring. !ot this hot, "eird, unnatural, summer hybrid that tries
to pass as spring. (nd from "hat I hear, it-s only going to get "orse. 0hich ma*es me
miss home e&en more. !ormally, I go out of my "ay to a&oid places li*e thisa place
so o&errun "ith light and noise and all of that cro"d8generated energy that al"ays
o&er"helms me and sets me on edge. (nd "ithout .amen by my side, standing in as
my psychic shield, I-m bac* to relying on my i$od again.
,hough I refuse to "ear my hoodie and sunglasses to bloc* out the noise li*e I used to.
I-m done "ith loo*ing li*e a frea*. Instead, I narro" my focus to "hat-s right before me,
and bloc* out all the peripherals li*e .amen taught me to do. I insert my ear buds and
cran* up the &olume, allo"ing the noise to bar e&erything but the s"irling rainbo" of
auras and the fe" disembodied spirits floating about 6"hich, despite my narro"ed
focus, really are right in front of me7. (nd "hen I head into =ictoria-s Secret, aiming
straight for the naughty nighties section, I-m so focused, so intent on my mission, I fail to
see Stacia and Honor 2ust off to the side.
"3migod'" Stacia sings, approaching me "ith such purpose you-d thin* I "as a bin
labeled: guccihalf off' "+ou cannot be serious." She points at the negligee I hold in my
hand, her perfectly manicured nail motioning to"ard the slit that starts from both the top
and bottom and meets at a crystal8encrusted circle some"here in the middle.
(nd e&en though I "as merely curious, and not e&en thin*ing about buying it, seeing
her face all scrunched up li*e that and hearing the moc*ing thoughts in her head ma*es
me feel totally foolish.
I drop it bac* on the rac* and fidget "ith my ear bud, pretending as though I didn-t hear
a thing as I mo&e to"ard the matching cotton sets, "hich are "ay more my style and
speed.
%ut 2ust as I begin bro"sing through se&eral hot8pin*8and8orange8striped camis, I reali1e
they-re probably no"here near .amen-s speed. He-d probably prefer something a little
more racy. Something "ith a lot more lace and a lot less cotton. Something that could
actually be considered sexy. (nd "ithout e&en loo*ing, I *no" Stacia and her faithful
lapdog ha&e follo"ed.
"(", loo*, Honor. #rea* can-t decide bet"een s*an*y or s"eet." Stacia sha*es her head
and smir*s at me.
",rust me, "hen in doubt, al"ays go "ith s*an*y. It-spretty much a sure thing. %esides,
from "hat I recall about .amen, he-s not so big on s"eet." I free1e, my stomach
clenching "ith unreasonable 2ealousy as my throat s/uee1es tight. %ut only for a
moment before I force myself to resume breathing and bro"sing, refusing to let her
thin*, e&en for a second that her "ords might-&e gotten to me. %esides, I *no" all about
"hat happened bet"een them, and I-m happy to report that it "as neither s*an*y nor
s"eet. Mostly because it "asn-t anything at all. .amen merely pretended to li*e her so
he could get to me. (nd yet, 2ust the thought of him e&en pretending still ma*es me
/ueasy. "Come on, let-s go. She can-t hear you," Honor says, scratching her arm and
glancing bet"een Stacia and me, then chec*ing her phone for the hundredth time to
see if Craig ans"ered her text. %ut Stacia remains rooted, en2oying herself far too much
to gi&e up so easily. "3h, she can hear me 2ust fine," she says, a smile playing at the
corner of her lips. ".on-t let the i$od and ear buds fool you. She can hear e&erything "e
say and e&erything "e thin*. %ecause )&er-s not 2ust a frea*, she-s also a "itch."
I turn a"ay and head for the other side of the store, bro"sing a rac* of push8up bras
and corsets, telling myself: Ignore her, ignore her 4ust focus on shopping and she-ll go
a"ay.
%ut Stacia-s not going any"here. Instead, she grabs hold of my arm and pulls me right
to her, saying, "Come on, don-t be shy. Sho" her. Sho" Honor "hat a frea* you are'"
Her eyes stare into mine, sending a flood of disturbing dar* energy coursing right
through me as she s/uee1es my arm so tight her thumb and index finger practically
meet. (nd I *no" she-s trying to bait me, incite me, a"are of exactly "hat I-m capable of
after that time "hen I lost control in the hall"ay at school. 3nly that time she didn-t do it
on purposeshe had no idea "hat I could do.
Honor starts to fidget, standing beside her and "hining, "Come on, Stacia. <et-s go. ,his
is boring."
%ut Stacia ignores her and grips my arm harder, her nails pressing into my flesh as she
"hispers, "o on, tell her. ,ell her "hat you see'"
I close my eyes, my stomach s"irling as my head fills "ith images similar to the ones I
sa" before: Stacia scratching and cla"ing her "ay to the top of the popularity pyramid,
stomping much harder than necessary on all those beneath her. Including Honor,
especially Honor, "ho-s so afraid of being unpopular she does nothing to stop it... I
could tell her "hat a horrible friend Stacia really is, expose her for the a"ful person I
*no" her to be. .. . I could pry Stacia-s hand from my arm and fling her across the room
so hard she-d fly straight through the plate glass "indo" before crashing into the mall
directory....
3nly I can-t. ,he last time I let loose at school, "hen I told Stacia all the a"ful things I
*no" about her, it "as a colossal mista*eone I don-t ha&e the luxury of ma*ing again.
,here-s so much more to hide no", much bigger secrets at sta*esecrets that belong
not only to me but to .amen as "ell. Stacia laughs as I fight to stay calm and not
o&erreact. 5eminding myself that "hile appearing "ea* is o*ay, gi&ing in to "ea*ness is
definitely not. It-s absolutely imperati&e to appear normal, clueless, and allo" her the
illusion that she-s so much stronger than me. Honor chec*s her "atch, rolling her eyes,
"anting to lea&e. (nd 2ust as I-m about to pull a"ay, and maybe e&en accidentally
bac*hand Stacia "hile I-m at it, I see something so a"ful, so repulsi&e, I *noc* an entire
rac* of lingerie to the floor in an attempt to brea* free.
%ras, thongs, hangers, and fixturesall of it crashing to the ground in one big heap.
0ith me as the cherry on top.
"3migod'" Stacia shrie*s, grabbing hold of Honor as they fall all o&er themsel&es
laughing at me. "+ou are such a frea*in- spa1 '" she says, going straight for her cell so
she can capture it all on &ideo. Hooming in to get close8up footage of me attempting to
brea* free of a red lace garter belt that-s "rapped around my nec*. "%etter get crac*in-
and get this cleaned up'" She s/uints, ad2usting her angle as I struggle to stand. "+ou
*no" "hat they say, you brea* it, you buy it'" I get to my feet, "atching as Stacia and
Honor bolt for the door the moment a salesperson arri&es. Stacia pausing long enough
to glance o&er her shoulder and say, "I-m "atching you, )&er. %elie&e me, I-m not
through "ith you yet." %efore running a"ay.
Chapter Ten
,he moment I sense .amen turning onto my street, I run to the mirror 6again7 and fidget
"ith my clothes, ma*ing sure e&erything is right "here it should bethe dress, the bra,
the ne" lingerieand hoping it all stays in place 6"ell, at least until it-s time to come
off7.
(fter the =ictoria-s Secret salesgirl and I cleaned up the mess, she helped me choose
this really pretty matching bra and panty set that isn-t made of cotton, isn-t
embarrassingly sexy, and doesn-t actually support or co&er much of anything, but then I
guess that-s the point. ,hen I mo&ed on to !ordstrom "here I bought this pretty green
dress and some cute strappy "edges to go "ith it. (nd on the "ay home I stopped for a
/uic* manicure>pedicure, "hich is something I ha&en-t done since, "ell, since before the
accident that robbed me of my old life fore&er"hen I used to be popular and girly li*e
Stacia.
3nly I "as ne&er really li*e Stacia.
I mean, I may ha&e been popular and a cheerleader, but I "as ne&er a bitch.
"0hat are you thin*ing?" .amen as*s, ha&ing let himself in and coming straight up to
my room since Sabine-s not at home.
I ga1e at him, "atching as he leans against the door2amb and smiles. ,a*ing in his dar*
2eans, dar* shirt, dar* 2ac*et, and the blac* motorcycle boots he al"ays "ears and
feeling my heart s*ip t"o beats.
"I "as thin*ing about the last four hundred years," I say, cringing "hen his eyes gro"
dar* and "orried.
"%ut not in the "ay that you thin*," I add, eager to assure him I "asn-t obsessing o&er
his past yet again.
"I "as thin*ing about all of our lifetimes together, and ho" "e ne&er ... um ..."
He lifts his bro" as a smile plays at his lips.
"I guess I-m 2ust glad those four hundred years are o&er," I mumble, "atching as he
mo&es to"ard me, slips his arms around my "aist, and pulls me tight to his chest. My
eyes gra1ing o&er the planes of his face, his dar* eyes, smooth s*in, his irresistible lips,
drin*ing all of him in.
"I-m glad too," he says, his eyes teasing mine. "!ope, on second thought, scratch that,
because the truth is, I-m more than glad. In factI-m ecstatic." He smiles, but a moment
later he-s merging his bro"s, saying, "!o, that still doesn-t explain it. I thin* "e need a
ne" "ord." He laughs, lo"ering his mouth to my ear as he "hispers, "+ou are more
beautiful tonight than you-&e e&er been. (nd I "ant e&erything to be perfect. I "ant it to
be e&erything you dreamed it "ould be. I 2ust hope I don-t disappoint you."
I bal*, pulling a"ay to ga1e at his face, "ondering ho" he could e&en thin* such a thing,
"hen all of this time it-s been me "ho-s been "orried about disappointing him .
He places his finger under my chin, lifting my face until my lips meet his. (nd I *iss him
bac* "ith such fer&or, he pulls a"ay and says, "Maybe "e should head straight for the
Montage instead?"
"3*ay," I murmur, my lips see*ing his. 5egretting the 2o*e "hen he pulls a"ay and I see
ho" hopeful he is.
")xcept that "e can-t. Miles "ill *ill me if I miss his dGbut." I smile, "aiting for him to
smile too.
3nly he doesn-t. (nd "hen he loo*s at me "ith his face so dra"n and serious, I *no" I
strayed too close to the truth. (ll of my li&es ha&e al"ays ended on this nightthe night
"e-d planned to be together. (nd e&en though I don-t remember the details, he clearly
does.
%ut then 2ust as /uic*ly his color-s returned and he ta*es my hand "hen he says, "0ell,
luc*y for us you9re /uite un*illable no", so there-s nothing that can *eep us apart."
,he first thing I notice as "e head for our seats is that Ha&en-s sitting beside 5oman.
,a*ing full ad&antage of 4osh-s absence by pressing her shoulder against his and
coc*ing her head in a "ay that allo"s her to ga1e up at him adoringly and smile at
e&erything he says. ,he second thing I notice is that my seat is also beside 5oman-s.
3nly unli*e Ha&en, I-m not at all thrilled. %ut since .amen-s already claimed the outside
seat, and I don-t "ant to ma*e a big sho" of mo&ing, I reluctantly sin* do"n onto mine.
#eeling the in&asi&e push of 5oman-s energy as his eyes peer into minehis attention
so focused on me, I can-t help but s/uirm.
I ga1e around the mostly full theater, trying to get my mind off of 5oman and am
relie&ed "hen I see 4osh heading do"n the aisle, clad in his usual tight blac* 2eans,
studded belt, crisp "hite shirt, and s*inny chec*ered tie, his arms loaded do"n "ith
candy and bottles of "ater as his blac* s"oop of hair Hops into his eyes. (nd I can-t
help but breathe a sigh of relief, seeing ho" perfect he and Ha&en are for each other,
and I-m thrilled that he-s not been replaced. "0ater?" he as*s, plopping onto the seat on
Ha&en-s other side and passing t"o bottles my "ay. I ta*e one for myself and try to pass
the other to .amen, but he 2ust sha*es his head and sips his red drin*.
I0ot is that?" 5oman as*s, leaning across me and motioning to"ard the bottle, his
un"elcome touch sending a chill through my s*in. "+ou suc* that stuff do"n li*e it-s
spi*ed. In "hich case, share the "ealth, mate. .on-t lea&e us out here in the cold." He
laughs, extending his hand and "iggling his fingers, glancing bet"een us "ith a dare in
his eye. (nd 2ust as I-m about to butt in, fearing that .amen-s so nice he might agree to
gi&e 5oman a taste, the curtain unfolds and the music begins. (nd e&en though 5oman
gi&es up and leans bac* in his seat, his ga1e ne&er once "a&ers from me.
Miles "as ama1ing. So ama1ing that e&ery no" and then I find myself actually focusing
on the lines that he spea*s and the lyrics he sings, "hile the rest of the time my mind is
preoccupied "ith the fact that I9m about to lose my &irginityfor the &ery first timein
four hundred years.
I mean, it-s so ama1ing to thin* that out of all of those incarnations, out of all the times
"e met and fell in lo&e, "e ne&er once managed to seal the deal. %ut tonight, all of that
changes.
)&erything changes.
,onight "e bury the past and mo&e to"ard the future of our eternal lo&e.
0hen the curtain finally closes, "e all get up and head for bac*stage. %ut 2ust as "e
reach the bac*door, I turn to .amen and say, ".amn' 0e forgot to stop by the store and
pic* up some flo"ers for Miles."
%ut .amen 2ust smiles. Sha*ing his head as he says, "0hat-re you tal*ing about? 0e-&e
got all the flo"ers "e need right here."
I s/uint, "ondering "hat he-s up to, because according to my eyes, he-s as empty8
handed as I.
"0hat-re you tal*ing about?" I "hisper, feeling that "arm "onderful charge course
through me as he places his hand on my arm.
")&er," he says, an amused loo* on his face. -",hose flo"ers already exist on the
/uantum le&el. If you "ant to access them on a physical le&el, all you ha&e to do is
manifest them li*e I taught you to do."
I glance all around, ma*ing sure no one-s ea&esdropping on our strange con&ersation
and feeling embarrassed "hen I admit that I can-t. "I don-t *no" ho"," I say, "ishing
he-d 2ust ma*e the flo"ers and get it o&er "ith already. ,his is really no time for a
lesson.
%ut .amen-s not buying it. "3f course you can. Ha&e I taught you nothing?"
I press my lips together and stare at the floor, because the truth is, he-s tried to teach
me plenty. %ut I-m a horrible student and I-&e slac*ed off so much it-ll be better for both
of us if I lea&e the manifesting of flo"ers to him.
"+ou do it," I say, "incing at the disappointment that transforms his face. "+ou-re so
much /uic*er than I am. If I try to do it, it-ll turn into a big scene, people "ill notice, and
then "e-ll be forced to explain."
He sha*es his head, refusing to be s"ayed by my "ords. "Ho" "ill you e&er learn if you
al"ays rely on me?"
I sigh, *no"ing he-s right but still not "anting to "aste precious time trying to manifest a
bou/uet of roses that may or may not e&er appear. (ll I "ant is to get the flo"ers in
hand, tell Miles %ra&o, and mo&e on to the Montage and the rest of our plans. (nd a
moment ago it seemed li*e he only "anted that too. %ut no" he-s gone all serious and
professor li*e on me, and to be honest, it-s *ind of "rec*ing the mood. I ta*e a deep
breath and smile s"eetly, my fingers cra"ling along the edge of his lapel "hen I say,
"+ou-re absolutely right. (nd I "ill get better, I promise. %ut I "as thin*ing that maybe
2ust this once, you could do it since you-re so much /uic*er than I am" I stro*e the
spot 2ust under his ear, *no"ing he-s this close to ca&ing. "I mean, the sooner "e get the
bou/uet, the sooner "e can lea&e, and then..." (nd I-m not e&en finished before he-s
closing his eyes, his hand held before him as though gripping a spray of spring blooms,
as I glance all around, ma*ing sure no one is "atching, hoping to get this o&er "ith
soon. %ut "hen I loo* at .amen again, I start to panic. %ecause not only is his hand still
empty, but a trail of s"eat is coursing its "ay do"n his chee* for the second time in t"o
days.
0hich "ouldn-t seem all that strange except for the fact that .amen doesn-t s"eat. 4ust
li*e he ne&er gets sic* and ne&er has off days, he also ne&er s"eats. !o matter "hat
the temperature outside, no matter "hat the tas* at hand, he al"ays remains cool,
calm, and perfectly able to handle "hate&er-s before him.
;ntil yesterday, "hen he failed to access the portal. (nd no", as he fails to manifest a
simple bou/uet for Miles.
(nd "hen I touch his arm and as* if he-s o*ay, I get only the slightest tric*le of the usual
tingle and heat. "3f course I-m o*ay." He s/uints, raising his lids 2ust enough to peer at
me, before closing them tightly again. (nd e&en though our ga1e "as brief, "hat I
glimpsed in his eyes made me gro" cold and "ea*. ,hose "ere not the "arm lo&ing
eyes I-&e gro"n used to. ,hose eyes "ere cold, distant, remote2ust li*e I glimpsed
earlier this "ee*. (nd I "atch as he focuses, his bro" furro"ed, his upper lip beaded
"ith s"eat, determined to get this o&er and done "ith so "e can both mo&e on to our
perfect night. (nd not "anting this to drag on any further or repeat the other day "hen
he failed to ma*e the portal appear, I stand right beside him and close my eyes too.
Seeing a beautiful bou/uet of t"o do1en red roses clutched in his hand, inhaling their
heady s"eet scent "hile feeling the soft plush of petals that 2ust happen to be mounted
abo&e long thorny stems
"3uch'" .amen sha*es his head and brings his finger to his mouth, e&en though the
"ound is already healed long before it can get there. "I forgot to ma*e a &ase," he says,
clearly con&inced he made the flo"ers himself, and I ha&e e&ery intention of *eeping it
that "ay.
"<et me do it," I say, in an effort to please him.
"+ou-re absolutely right, I need the practice," I add, closing my eyes and en&isioning the
one in the dining room at home, the one "ith the complicated pattern of s"irls and
etches and luminous facets.
"0aterford crystal?" He laughs. "Ho" much do you "ant him to thin* "e spent on this
thing?"
I laugh too, relie&ed that all the "eirdness is o&er and he9s bac* to 2o*ing again. ,a*ing
the &ase he thrusts into my hands as he says, "Here. +ou gi&e these to Miles "hile I get
the car and pull it around."
"+ou sure?" I as*, noting ho" the s*in around his eyes appears tense and pale, and his
forehead is the slightest bit clammy. "%ecause "e can 2ust run in, say congrats, and run
out. It doesn-t ha&e to be a big deal."
-",his "ay "e can a&oid the long line of cars and ma*e an e&en /uic*er geta"ay." He
smiles. "I thought you "ere anxious to get there."
I am. I-m as anxious as he. %ut I-m also concerned.
Concerned about his inability to manifest, concerned about the fleeting cold loo* in his
eyesholding my breath as he ta*es a s"ig from his bottle, reminding myself of ho"
/uic*ly his "ound healed, con&incing myself it-s a good sign.
(nd *no"ing my concern "ill only ma*e him feel "orse, I clear my throat and say, "#ine.
+ou go get the car. (nd I-ll meet you inside."
;nable to ignore the startling coolness of his chee* "hen I lean in to *iss it.
Chapter Eleven
%y the time I get bac*stage, Miles is surrounded by family and friends and still dressed
in the "hite go8go boots and mini8dress of his &ery last scene as Hairspray -s ,racy
,urnblad.
"%ra&o' +ou "ere ama1ing'" I say, handing o&er the flo"ers in place of a hug since I
can-t ris* ta*ing on any additional energy "hen I-m so ner&ous inside I can barely
handle my o"n. "Seriously, I had no idea you could sing li*e that."
"+es you did." He s"eeps his long "ig to the side and buries his nose in the petals.
"+ou-&e heard me perform car *arao*e plenty of times."
"!ot li*e that." I smile, and I-m serious. In fact, he "as so good I plan to catch a repeat
performance on another, less ner&ous8ma*ing night. "So "here-s Holt?" I as*, already
*no"ing the ans"er but 2ust trying to ma*e con&ersation until .amen arri&es. "Surely
you-&e made up by no"?"
Miles fro"ns and motions to"ard his dad, "hile I cringe and mouth sorry. Ha&ing
forgotten he-s out of the closet "ith his friends, but not yet his parents. ".on-t you "orry,
all is "ell," he "hispers, batting his false eyelashes and running his hands through his
blond8strea*ed loc*s. "I had a temporary meltdo"n, but it-s o&er "ith no", and all is
forgi&en. (nd spea*ing of $rince Charming ..." I turn to"ard the door, eager to see
.amen "al* through it. My heart going into o&erdri&e at 2ust the mere thought of him
the "hole, "onderful, glorious thought of himand not doing much to mas* my
disappointment "hen I reali1e he-s referring to Ha&en and 4osh.
"0hat do you thin*?" he as*s, nodding at them. ",hey gonna ma*e it?"
I "atch as 4osh slides his arm around Ha&en-s "aist, cupping his fingers and pulling her
closer. %ut no matter ho" hard he tries, it-s no use. .espite the fact that they-re perfect
together, she-s focused on 5omanmirroring the "ay he stands, the "ay he tilts his
head bac* "hen he laughs, the "ay he holds his handsall of her energy flo"ing
straight to"ard him as though 4osh doesn-t exist. %ut e&en though it seems mostly one8
sided, unfortunately 5oman-s the type "ho-d be more than "illing to ta*e her out for a
test dri&e.
I turn bac* to Miles and force a casual shrug.
",here-s a cast party at Heather-s," Miles says.
"0e-re all headed there soon. +ou guys coming?"
I gi&e him a blan* loo*. I don-t e&en *no" "ho that is.
"She played $enny $ingleton?"
I don-t *no" "ho that is either, but I *no" better than to admit it, so I nod li*e I do.
".on-t tell me you guys "ere mac*ing so much you missed the "hole sho"'" He sha*es
his head in a "ay that ma*es it clear he-s only partly 2o*ing.
".on-t be ridiculous, I sa" the "hole tiling'" I say, my face flushing a thousand shades of
red and *no"ing he9ll ne&er belie&e me e&en though it-s more or less true. %ecause
e&en though "e "ere beha&ing oursel&es and not at all mac*ing, it "as almost li*e our
hands "e-re mac*ing"ith the "ay .ame ent"ined his fingers "ith mineand li*e our
thoughts "ere muc*ing"ith the telepathic messages "e sent bac* and forth. %ecause
e&en though my eyes "ere "atching the "hole entire timemy mind "as else"here,
already occupying our room at the Montage.
"So you coming or not?" Miles as*s, his mind correctly guessing not, and not nearly as
upset as I thought he might be. "So, "here you t"o headed, any"ay? 0hat could be
more exciting than partying "ith the cast and cre"?"
(nd "hen I loo* at him, I-m so tempted to tell him, to share my big secret "ith someone
I *no" I can trust.
%ut 2ust as I-&e con&inced myself to spill it, 5oman "al*s up "ith 4osh and Ha&en in to".
"0e-re heading o&er, anybody need a ride? It-s only a t"o8seater, but there-s room for
one more." 5oman nods at me, his ga1e pushing, probing, e&en after I turn a"ay.
Miles sha*es his head. "I-m grabbing a ride "ith Holt, and )&er better8dealed me. Some
top8secret plan she refuses to spill."
5oman smiles, his lips lifting at the corners as his eyes gra1e o&er my body. (nd e&en
though, technically spea*ing, his thoughts could probably be considered more flattering
than crude, the fact that they-re coming from him is enough to gi&e me the creeps. I
a&ert my ga1e, glancing to"ard the door, *no"ing .amen should-&e been here by no".
(nd I-m 2ust about to send him a telepathic message, telling him to step it up and meet
me inside, "hen I-m interrupted by the sound of 5oman-s &oice saying, "Must-&e *ept it
secret from .amen too, then. He already left." I turn, my eyes meeting his, feeling that
undeniable ping in my gut as a chill blan*ets my s*in. "He didn-t lea&e," I say, not e&en
trying to clear the edge from my &oice. "He 2ust "ent to pull the car around bac*." %ut
5oman 2ust shrugs, his ga1e filled "ith pity "hen he says, "0hate&er you say. I 2ust
thought you should *no" that 2ust no", "hen I stepped out for a smo*e, I sa" .amen
pulling out of the par*ing lot and speeding a"ay."
Chapter Twelve
I burst through the door and into the alley, ga1ing around the narro" empty space as my
eyes ad2ust to the dar*ness, ma*ing out a ro" of o&erflo"ing .umpsters, a trail of
bro*en glass, a hungry stray catbut no .amen.
I stumble for"ard, my eyes searching relentlessly as my heart beats so fast I fear it
might brea* free from my chest. 5efusing to belie&e he-s not here. 5efusing to belie&e
that he ditched me. 5oman-s a"ful' He-s lying' .amen "ould ne&er 2ust up and lea&e
me li*e this.
,railing my fingers along the bric* "all for guidance, I close my eyes and try to tune in to
his energy, calling him to me in a telepathic message of lo&e, need, and "orry, but
getting only a solid blac* &oid in response. ,hen I slalom through cars all heading for
the exit, cell phone pressed to my ear "hile I peer into "indo"s, lea&ing a series of
messages on his &oicemail.
)&en "hen my right, heel brea*s off my sandal, I 2ust toss them aside and *eep going. I
don-t care about my shoes. I can ma*e a hundred more pairs.
%ut I can-t ma*e another .amen.
(nd as the lot slo"ly empties, "ith still no sign of him, I crumble to the curb, feeling
s"eaty, exhausted, deflated 0atching the cuts and blisters on my feet simultaneously
mend, and "ishing I could close my eyes and access his mindget a read on his
thoughts, if not his "hereabouts.
%ut the truth is, I-&e ne&er been able to get inside his head. It-s one of the things I li*ed
best about him. His being so psychically off limits made me feel normal.
(nd "ouldn-t you *no", the one thing that once seemed so appealing is no" the &ery
thing that-s "or*ing against me.
"!eed a lift?"
I loo* up to find 5oman standing o&er me, 2angling a set of *eys in one hand, my bro*en
sandals in the other.
I sha*e my head and loo* a"ay, *no"ing I-m in no position to refuse a ride, though I-d
rather cra"l through a trail of hot coals and bro*en glass than climb inside a t"o8seater
"ith him.
"C-mon," he says. "I promise not to bite."
I gather my things, tossing my cell into my bag and smoothing my dress as I stand up
and say, "I-m good."
"5eally?" He smiles, mo&ing so close our toes nearly touch. "-Cause, to be honest,
you-re not loo*ing so good."
I turn, ma*ing my "ay to"ard the exit, not bothering to stop "hen he says, "0hat I
meant "as the situation isn-t loo*ing so good. I mean, loo* at you, )&er. +ou-re
dishe&eled, shoeless, and though I can-t be too sure, it appears that your boyfriend has
ditched you."
I ta*e a deep breath and *eep going, hoping he-ll soon tire of this game, tire of me, and
mo&e on, "(nd yet, e&en in that frenetic, slightly desperate state, I ha&e to admit, you-re
still smo*in-if you don-t mind my saying."
I stop, suddenly turning to face him despite my &o" to *eep mo&ing. Cringing as his
eyes slo"ly ra*e o&er my body, lingering on my legs, my "aist, and myc hest"ith an
unmista*able gleam.
"Ma*es one "onder "hat .amen-s thin*ing, -cause if you as* me"
"!o one as*ed you," I say, feeling my hands starting to sha*e and reminding myself that
I-m completely in charge here, that I-&e no reason to feel threatened.
,hat e&en though I may loo* li*e your a&erage defenseless girl on the outside, I-m
anything but. I9m stronger than I used to be, so strong that if I really "anted, I could ta*e
him do"n "ith one s"ing. I could pic* him up off his feet and toss him clear across the
par*ing lot to the other side of the street. (nd don9t thin* I-m not tempted to pro&e it.
He smiles, that la1y grin that "or*s on 2ust about e&eryone but me, his steely blue eyes
peering straight into mine "ith a ga1e so *no"ing, so personal, so amusedmy first
instinct is to flee.
%ut I don-t.
%ecause e&erything about him feels li*e a challenge, and no "ay am I letting him "in.
"I don-t need a ride," I finally say. ,urning to pic* up the pace and feeling his chill as he
trails right behind me. His icy cold breath on the bac* of my nec* "hen he says, ")&er,
please, slo" do"n a minute, "ould ya? I didn-t mean to upset you."
%ut I don-t slo" do"n. I *eep going. .etermined to put as much distance bet"een us as
I possibly can.
"Come on no"." He laughs. "I-m only trying to help. +our friends ha&e all left, .amen-s
buggered off, the cleaning cre" "ent home, "hich ma*es me your only hope left."
"I-&e plenty of options," I mumble, "ishing he-d 2ust go a"ay so I can try to manifest a
car, some shoes, and be on my "ay.
"!one that I can see."
I sha*e my head and *eep "al*ing. ,his con&ersation is o&er.
"So "hat you-re saying is, you-d rather foot it all the "ay home than get in a car "ith
me?"
I reach the end of the street and punch the signal again and again, "illing the light to
turn green so I can get to the other side and be rid of him.
"I don-t *no" ho" "e got off to such a bad start, but it9s pretty clear that you hate me
and I-&e no idea "hy." His &oice is smooth, in&iting, as though he really "ants to start
o&er, let bygones be bygones, ma*e amends, and all that.
%ut I don-t "ant to start o&er. !or do I "ant to ma*e amends. I 2ust "ant him to turn
around, go some"here else, and lea&e me alone so I can find .amen.
(nd yet, I can-t let it go, can-t let him get the last "ord. So I glance o&er my shoulder
and say, ".on-t flatter yourself, 5oman. Hating re/uires caring. In "hich case, I couldn-t
possibly hate you."
,hen I storm across the street e&en though the light has yet to turn green. .ancing
around a couple of speeders intent on beating the yello", and feeling the insistent chill
of his ga1e.
"0hat about your shoes?" he shouts. "Shame to 2ust lea&e -em li*e this. I-m sure the
heel can be fixed."
%ut I 2ust *eep mo&ing. Seeing him bo" deeply behind me, his arm s"eeping up"ard in
an exaggerated arc, my sandals dangling from the tips of his fingers. His all8
encompassing laugh chasing behind me, follo"ing me across the boule&ard and onto
the street.
Chapter Thirteen
,he moment I cross the street I duc* behind a building, peer around the corner, and
"ait until 5oman-s cherry red (ston Martin 5oadster pulls onto the road and dri&es
a"ay. ,hen I "ait a fe" minutes more until I-m fully con&inced he really is gone and
"on-t be returning anytime soon. I need to find .amen. I need to find out "hat
happened to him, "hy he disappeared "ithout saying a "ord. I mean, he-s 6"e-&e7 been
loo*ing for"ard to this night for four hundred years, so the fact that he-s not here beside
me pro&es something-s gone terribly "rong.
%ut first I need a car. +ou can-t get any"here in 3range County "ithout one. So I close
my eyes and picture the first thing that comes to minda s*y blue =0 %ug2ust li*e
the one Shayla Spar*s, the coolest senior to e&er "al* the halls of Hillcrest High, used
to dri&e. 5emembering its cartoonish round shape and the blac* cloth top that seemed
so glamorous and yet too* such a beating in the relentless 3regon ram.
$icturing it so clearly it-s as though it-s right there before meall shiny and cur&y and
adorably cute.
#eeling my fingers bend around the door handle, and the soft stro*e of leather as I slide
onto the seat, and "hen I place a single red tulip in the flo"er holder before me, I open
my eyes and see that my ride is complete.
3nly I don-t *no" ho" to start the engine.
I forgot to manifest a *ey.
%ut since that-s ne&er stopped .amen, I 2ust close my eyes again and "ill the engine to
life, remembering the exact sound Shayla-s car used to ma*e as my ex8best friend
5achel and I stood on the curb afterschool, "atching in en&y as her super cool friends
piled into the front and bac* seats.
(nd the moment the engine turns, I head to"ard Coast High"ay. #iguring I-ll start at the
Montage, the place "e "ere supposed to end up, and ta*e it from there.
,he traffic is thic* this time of night, but it doesn-t slo" me. I 2ust focus on all of the
surrounding cars, seeing "hat e&eryone-s next mo&e is going to be, then ad2usting my
2ourney around it. Mo&ing /uic*ly and smoothly into each open space, until I arri&e at
the entrance, 2ump out of the %ug, and sprint for the lobby.
Stopping only "hen the &alet calls out from behind me, "Hey, "ait up' 0hat about the
*ey?" I pause, my breath coming in short shallo" gasps, not reali1ing until I catch him
staring at my feet that I-m not only *eyless but shoeless as "ell. +et *no"ing I can-t
afford to "aste any more time than I already ha&e, and reluctant to go through the
"hole manifesting process in front of him, I run through the door, yelling, "4ust lea&e it
running, I-ll only be a sec'" I ma*e a beeline for the front des*, bypassing a long line of
disgruntled people, all of them "eighed do"n "ith golf bags and monogrammed
luggage, all of them complaining about chec*ing in late due to a four8hour delay. (nd
"hen I cut in front of the middle8aged couple that "as supposed to be next, the griping
and grumbling hits the next le&el.
"Has .amen (uguste chec*ed in?" I as*, ignoring the protests behind me, as my fingers
curl around the edge of the counter and I fight to steady my ner&es. "I-m sorry, "ho?"
,he cler*-s ga1e darts to the couple behind me, shooting them a loo* meant to say
don-t "orry, I-ll be done "ith this psycho chic* soon'
".amen. (uguste." I enunciate slo"ly, succinctly, "ith far more patience than I ha&e.
She s/uints at me, her thin lips barely mo&ing as she says, "I-m sorry, that information is
confidential." #lic*ing her long dar* pony8tail o&er her shoulder in a mo&e so final, so
dismissi&e, it-s li*e a period at the end of a sentence.
I narro" my eyes, focusing on her deep orange aura and *no"ing it means strict
organi1ation and self8control are the &irtues she pri1es the mostsomething I sho"ed a
glaring lac* of "hen I 2umped the turnstile a moment ago. (nd *no"ing I need to get on
her good side if I-&e any hope of obtaining the info I need, I resist the urge to act all huffy
and indignant, and calmly explain ho" I-m the other guest "ho-s sharing the room.
She loo*s at me, loo*s at the couple behind me, then says, "I-m sorry, but you-ll ha&e to
"ait your turn. 4ust. <i*e. )&eryone. )lse."
(nd I *no" I ha&e less than ten seconds bet"een no" and "hen she calls for security.
"I *no"." I lo"er my &oice and lean to"ard her.
"(nd I really am sorry. It-s 2ust that"
She loo*s at me, her fingers inching to"ard the phone as I ta*e in her long straight
nose, thin unadorned lips, and the hint of puffiness 2ust under her eyes, and 2ust li*e
that, I see my "ay in.
She-s been dumped. She-s been dumped so recently she still cries herself to sleep
e&ery night. 5eli&ing the horrible e&ent e&ery day, all daythe scene follo"ing her
"here&er she goes, from her "a*ing state to her dreams.
"It-s 2ust that, "ell" I pause, trying to ma*e it seem as though it hurts too much to say
the actual "ords, "hen the truth is I-m not sure "hich "ords I-ll actually use. ,hen I
sha*e my head and start o&er, *no"ing it9s al"ays better to stic* "ith some semblance
of the truth "hen you need the lie to seem real. "He didn-t sho" up "hen he "as
supposed to, and because of that... "ell... I-m not sure if he-s e&en still coming." I
s"allo" hard, cringing "hen I reali1e the tears in my eyes are for real.
%ut "hen I loo* at her again, seeing her face softenthe grim 2udging mouth, the
s/uinty narro"ed eyes, the superior tilt of her chinall of it suddenly transformed by
compassion, solidarity, and unityI *no" that it "or*ed. 0e-re li*e sisters no", loyal
members of an all8female tribe, recently 2ilted by men. I "atch as she taps some
commands on her *eyboard, tuning in to her energy so I can see "hat she seesthe
letters on the screen flashing before me, sho"ing that our room, suite JEK, is still empty.
"I-m sure he-s 2ust running late," she says, though she doesn-t belie&e it. In her mind, all
men are scum, of this she-s con&inced. "%ut if you can sho" me some I. and pro&e that
you-re you, I can" %ut before she can finish, I-m already gone, turning a"ay from the
des* and running outside. I don-t need a *ey. I could ne&er chec* into that sad empty
room, "aiting for a boyfriend "ho clearly "on-t sho". I need to *eep mo&ing, *eep
searching. I need to hit the only other t"o places "here he might be. (nd as I 2ump in
my car and head for the beachI pray that I-ll find him.
Chapter Fourteen
I par* near the Sha*e Shac* and head to"ard the ocean, feeling my "ay do"n the dar*
"inding path, determined to locate .amen-s secret ca&e e&en though I-&e only been
there one other time, "hich happens to be the one other time "e came really close to
doing the deed. (nd "e "ould ha&e tooif it "eren-t for me. I guess I ha&e a long
history of slamming the bra*es at the most crucial moment. )ither that, or I end up
dying. So ob&iously, I "as hoping tonight "ould be different. %ut the moment my feet hit
the sand and I ma*e my "ay do"n to his hideout, I-m sorry to see that it-s pretty much
the same as "e left it: blan*ets and to"els folded and stac*ed in the corner, surfboards
lined up against the "alls, a "et suit draped o&er a chairbut no .amen.
(nd "ith only one place left on my list, I cross my fingers and run for my car. (ma1ed by
the "ay my limbs mo&e "ith such speed and grace, the "ay my feet merely glance o&er
the sand, co&ering the distance so /uic*ly, I-&e barely started and I-m already bac* in my
car pulling out of my space. 0ondering 2ust ho" long I-&e been able to do this, and "hat
other immortal gifts I might ha&e.
LLL
0hen I arri&e at the gate, Sheila, the gate guard "ho-s used to seeing me by no" and
*no"s I-m on .amen-s permanent list of "elcome guests, 2ust smiles and "a&es me
right in. (nd as I head up the hill to"ard his house and pull into his dri&e, the first thing I
notice is that the lights are all off.
(nd I mean all of them. Including the one o&er the door that he al"ays lea&es on.
I sit in the %ug, its engine idling as I ga1e up at those cold dar* "indo"s. $art of me
"anting to brea* do"n the door, tear up the stairs, and burst into his "special" room
the one "here he stores his most precious mementosthe portraits of himself as
painted by $icasso, =an ogh, and =ela1/ue1, along "ith the piles of rare, first8editions
tomesthe priceless relics of his long and storied past, all hoarded into one
o&erstuffed, gilt8laden room. 0hile the other part prefers to stay put, *no"ing I don-t
need to enter to pro&e he-s not there. ,he cold, foreboding exterior, "ith its stone8
co&ered "alls, tiled roof, and &acant "indo"s, is completely de&oid of his "arm lo&ing
presence.
I close my eyes, struggling to recall the last "ords he saidsomething about getting the
car so that "e could ma*e an e&en /uic*er geta"ay. Sure that he really meant "e
that "e "ere supposed to ma*e the /uic* geta"ay so that "e could finally be together
our four8hundred8year /uest culminating on this one perfect night.
I mean, he couldn-t ha&e been loo*ing for a /uic*er get a"ay from me Could he?
I ta*e a deep breath and climb out of my car, *no"ing the only "ay to get ans"ers is to
*eep mo&ing. ,he soles of my cold "et feet slipping along the de"8co&ered "al*"ay as
I fumble for the *ey, remembering too late that I left it at home, ne&er dreaming I-d need
it tonight of all nights. I stand before the front door, memori1ing its cur&ing arch,
mahogany finish, and bold, detailed car&ings, before I close my eyes and picture
another 2ust li*e it. Seeing my imaginary door unloc* and s"ing open, ne&er ha&ing tried
this before, but *no"ing it-s possible after seeing .amen unloc* a gate at our schoola
gate that-d been decidedly loc*ed 2ust a fe" moments before.
%ut "hen I open my eyes again, all I-&e managed to manifest is another giant "ood
door. (nd ha&ing no idea ho" to dispose of it 6since up until no" I-&e only manifested
things I "anted to *eep7, I lean it against the "all and head to"ard the bac*. ,here-s a
"indo" in his *itchen, the one 2ust behind the sin* that he al"ays lea&es crac*ed. (nd
after sliding my fingers under the rim and pushing the "indo" all the "ay up, I cra"l
o&er a sin* o&erflo"ing "ith empty glass bottles before 2umping to the ground, my feet
landing "ith a muffled thud as I "onder if brea*ing and entering applies to concerned
girlfriends too.
I ga1e around the room, ta*ing in the "ooden table and chairs, the rac* of stainless
steel pots, the high8tech coffeema*er, blender, and 2uicerall part of the collection of
the most modern *itchen gadgets money can buy 6or .amen can manifest7. Carefully
selected to gi&e the appearance of a normal, "ell8to8do life, li*e accessories in a
beautifully decorated model home, perfectly staged and completely unused. I peer into
his fridge, expecting to see the usual abundant supply of red 2uice, only to find 2ust a fe"
bottles instead. (nd "hen I pee* inside his pantry, the place "here he allo"s the ne"er
batches to ferment or marinate or "hate&er they do in the dar* for three daysI-m
shoc*ed to find that it-s barely stoc*ed too. I stand there, staring at the handful of
bottles, my stomach thrumming, my heart racing, *no"ing something-s terribly "rong
"ith this picture. .amen-s al"ays so obsessi&e about *eeping plenty of 2uice on hand
e&en more so no" that he-s responsible for supplying methat he "ould ne&er allo"
things to get to this point.
%ut then again, he-s also been going through an a"ful lot of it lately, chugging it to the
point "here his consumption has nearly doubled. So it-s entirely possible he hasn-t had
time to ma*e a ne" batch.
0hich sounds good in theory, sure, but it-s not at all plausible.
I mean, "ho am I fooling? .amen-s extremely organi1ed "ith these things, e&en
bordering on obsessi&e. He "ould ne&er let his bre"ing duties slidenot for one day.
!ot unless something "as terribly "rong.
(nd e&en though I don-t ha&e any proof, I 2ust *no" in my gut that the "ay he-s been
acting so off lately"ith the sudden blan* loo*s that are impossible to miss no matter
ho" /uic*ly they fade, not to mention the s"eating, the headaches, the inability to
manifest e&eryday ob2ects, or access the Summerland portal"ell, "hen I add it all up,
it9s clear that he-s sic*.
3nly .amen doesn-t get sic*.
(nd "hen he pric*ed his finger on that thorny rose 2ust a little "hile ago, I "atched as it
healed right before me.
%ut still, maybe I should start calling the hospitals2ust to be sure.
)xcept .amen "ould ne&er go to the hospital. He9d see it as a sign of "ea*ness,
defeat. He-s far more li*ely to cra"l off li*e a "ounded animal, hiding out some"here
"here he could be alone.
3nly he doesn-t ha&e any "ounds because they instantly heal. %esides, he-d ne&er
cra"l off "ithout telling me first.
,hen again, I "as also con&inced he-d ne&er dri&e off "ithout me, and loo* ho" that
turned out.
I riffle through his dra"ers, searching for the +ello" $agesyet another accessory in
his /uest to seem normal. %ecause "hile it-s true that .amen "ould ne&er ta*e himself
to the hospital, if there "ere an accident, or some other e&ent beyond his control, then
it9s possible that someone else might-&e ta*en him "ithout his consent.
(nd "hile that completely contradicts 5oman-s 6most li*ely bogus7 story of "atching
.amen speed a"ay, that doesn-t stop me from calling e&ery hospital in 3range County,
as*ing if a .amen (uguste has been admitted, and coming up empty each time.
0hen the last hospital is called, I consider calling the police but /uic*ly decide against
it. I mean, "hat "ould I say? ,hat my six8hundred8year8old immortal boyfriend "ent
missing?
I9d ha&e 2ust as much luc* cruising Coast High"ay, searching for a blac* %M0 "ith dar*
tinted "indo"s and a good8loo*ing dri&er insidethe pro&erbial needle in the haystac*
of <aguna %each.
3rI can al"ays 2ust settle in here, *no"ing he-s got to turn up e&entually.
(nd as I climb the stairs to his room, I comfort myself "ith the thought that if I can-t be
"ith him, then at least I can be "ith his things. (nd as I settle myself upon his &el&et
settee, I ga1e among the things he pri1es the most, hoping I-m still one of them too.
Chapter Fifteen
My nec* hurts. (nd my bac* feels "eird. (nd "hen I open my eyes and glimpse my
surroundingsI *no" "hy. I spent, the night in this room. 5ight here on this ancient
&el&et settee, "hich "as originally intended for light banter, co/uettish flirting, but
definitely not sleeping.
I struggle to stand, my muscles tightening in protest as I stretch to"ard the s*y then
do"n to"ard my toes. (nd after bending my torso from side to side and s"i&eling my
nec* to and fro, I head o&er to his thic* &el&et drapes and yan* them aside. #looding the
room "ith a light so bright my eyes "ater and sting, barely ha&ing enough time to ad2ust
before I-&e closed them again. )nsuring the edges o&erlap and no amount of sunlight is
allo"ed to creep in, returning the space to its usual state of permanent midnight, ha&ing
been "arned by .amen that those harsh Southern California rays can "rea* ha&oc on
the contents of this room. .amen.
4ust thin*ing about him ma*es my heart s"ell "ith such longing, such all8consuming
achemy head gro"s di11y and my "hole body s"ays. (nd as I grab hold of an
elaborate "ood cabinet, grasping its fine detailed edge, my eyes search the room,
reminding me that I-m not nearly as alone as I thin*. )&ery"here I loo* his image
surrounds me. His li*eness perfectly captured by the "orld-s greatest masters, matted in
museum8/uality frames, and mounted on these "alls. ,he $icasso in the dar* somber
suit, the =ela1/ue1 on the rearing "hite stallioneach of them depicting the face I
thought I *ne" so "ellonly no" the eyes seem distant and moc*ing, the chin raised
and defiant, and those lips, those "arm "onderful lips that I cra&e so bad I can taste
them, appear so remote, so aloof, so maddeningly distant, as though "arning me not to
come near.
I close my eyes, determined to bloc* it all out, sure that my panic*ed state of mind is
influencing me for the "orst. #orcing myself to ta*e se&eral deep breaths, before trying
his cell phone again. His &oice mail prompting yet another round of: Call me . . . "here
are you . . . "hat happened. . . are you o*ay . . . call memessages I-&e left countless
times already. I slip my phone bac* into my bag and ga1e around the room one last
time, my eyes carefully a&oiding his portraits "hile assuring myself there-s nothing I
missed. !o blatant clue to his disappearance that I might-&e o&erloo*ed, no small,
seemingly insignificant hint that might ma*e the ho" and "hy a little easier to grasp.
(nd "hen I-m satisfied I-&e done all I can, I grab my purse and head to the *itchen,
stopping 2ust long enough to lea&e a short note, repeating all the same "ords I said on
the phone. Ano"ing the moment I "al* out the door my connection to .amen "ill feel
e&en more tenuous than it already does. I ta*e a deep breath and close my eyes,
picturing the future that 2ust yesterday seemed so surethe one of .amen and me,
both of us happy, together, complete. 0ishing it "as possible to manifest such a thing,
yet *no"ing deep do"n it-s no use.
+ou can-t manifest, another person. 3r at least not for &ery long.
So I shift my attention to something I can create.
$icturing the most perfect red tulipits soft "axy petals and long fluid stem the ideal
symbol for our undying lo&e. (nd "hen I feel it ta*e shape in my hand, I head bac* to
the *itchen, tear up the note, and lea&e the tulip on the counter instead.
Chapter Sixteen
I miss 5iley.
I miss her so much it9s li*e a physical ache. %ecause the second I reali1ed I had no
choice but to inform Sabine that .amen "ouldn-t be ma*ing it to dinner 6"hich I "aited
to do until ten minutes past eight "hen it "as clear he "ouldn-t sho"7, the /uestions
began. (nd they pretty much *ept coming for the remainder of the "ee*end, "ith her
as*ing stuff li*e: 0hat-s "rong? I *no" something-s "rong. I "ish you "ould tal* to me.
0hy "on-t you tell me? Is it something "ith .amen? (re you t"o in a fight? (nd e&en
though I did tal* to her 6o&er dinner "hen I someho" managed to eat enough to
con&ince her that I really and truly do not ha&e an eating disorder7, trying to assure her
that e&erything "as (83A, that .amen "as 2ust busy, and that I "as o&ertired after
spending such a long, fun8filled night at Ha&en-sit "as clear she didn-t belie&e me. 3r
at least not the part about me being fine. She totally belie&ed the part about me staying
at Ha&en-s.
Instead, she *ept insisting that there had to be a better explanation for my constant
sighing and mood s"ings, the "ay I "ent from morose to manic to mopey and bac*
again. %ut e&en though I felt bad for lying to herI stuc* "ith my story. I guess it
seemed easier since lying to Sabine made it easier to lie to myself. #earing that retelling
the story, explaining ho" e&en though my heart refuses to belie&e it, my head can-t help
but "onder if he might-&e purposely ditched memight someho" ma*e it come true. If
5iley "ere here, things "ould be different. I could tal* to her. I could tell her the "hole
sordid tale from beginning to end. Ano"ing she-d not only understand, but that she-d get
ans"ers too.
Her being dead is li*e an all8access pass. (llo"ing her to go any"here she "ants
merely by thin*ing about it. Ma*ing no place off limitsthe entire planet is fair game.
(nd I-&e no doubt she-d be far more effecti&e than all of my frantic phone calls and
dri&e8bys combined.
%ecause in the end, all my dis2ointed, clumsy, ineffecti&e in&estigating really amounts to
is:
MMMMMMMMM6nothing7.
<ea&ing me 2ust as clueless this Monday morning as I "as on #riday night "hen it
occurred. (nd no matter ho" many times I call Miles or Ha&en, their ans"er is al"ays
the same nothing to report, but "e-ll call you if anything changes.
%ut if 5iley "ere here, she-d close this case in no time. etting /uic* results and in8
depth ans"ersshe-d be able to tell me 2ust exactly "hat I-m dealing "ith, and ho" to
proceed. %ut the fact is, 5iley-s not here. (nd despite her promising me a sign, seconds
before she left, I-m starting to doubt it-ll happen. (nd maybe, 2ust maybe, it-s time I stop
loo*ing and get on "ith my life. I slip on some 2eans, slide my feet into some flip8flops,
pull on a tan* top, and chase it "ith a long8slee&ed ,and 2ust as I-m about to "al* out
the door and head for school, I turn right around and grab my i$od, hoodie, and
sunglasses, *no"ing I-d better prepare for the "orst since I-&e no idea "hat I-ll find.
LLL
".id you find him?"
I sha*e my head, "atching as Miles climbs into my car, thro"s his bag on the floor, and
shoots me a loo* filled "ith pity.
"I tried calling," he says, brushing his hair off his face, his nails still sporting a bright
flashy pin*, ")&en tried to s"ing by his house but didn-t get past the front gate. (nd trust
me, you do not "ant to mess "ith %ig Sheila. She ta*es her 2ob &ery seriously." He
laughs, hoping to lighten the mood.
%ut I 2ust shrug, "ishing I could laugh along "ith him, but *no"ing I can-t. I-&e been a
"rec* since #riday and the only cure is to see .amen again.
"+ou shouldn-t "orry so much," Miles says, turning to"ard me. "I-m sure he-s fine. I
mean, it-s not li*e it-s the first time he-s disappeared."
I glance at him, sensing his thoughts before the "ords lea&e his lips. Ano"ing he-s
referring to the last time .amen disappeared, the time I sent him a"ay."%ut that "as
different," I tell him. ",rust me, that "as nothing li*e this."
"Ho" can you be so sure?" His &oice is careful, measured, his eyes still on me.
I ta*e a deep breath and stare at the road, "ondering "hether or not I should tell him I
mean, I ha&en-t really tal*ed to anyone in so long, ha&en-t confided in a friend since "ell
before the accidentbefore e&erything changed. (nd sometimes, ha&ing to hoard all of
these secrets can really feel lonely. I long to get out from under their "eight and gossip
li*e a normal girl again.
I loo* at Miles, sure that I can trust him, but not all that sure if I can trust me. I-m li*e a
soda can that-s been dropped and sha*en, and no" all of my secrets are rushing to the
top.
"+ou o*ay?" he as*s, eyeing me carefully.
I s"allo" hard. "#riday night? (fter your play?" I pause, *no"ing I-&e got his full
attention. "0ell . . ."e, um... "e sort of made plans."
"$lans?" He leans to"ard me.
"%ig plans." I nod, a smile hinting at the corner of my lips, then instantly fading "hen I
remember ho" it all "ent so tragically "rong.
"Ho" big?" he as*s, eyes on mine.
I sha*e my head, ga1ing at the road ahead "hen I say, "3h, 2ust your usual #riday night.
+ou *no", room at the Montage, ne" lingerie, chocolate dipped stra"berries, and t"o
flutes of champagne ..."
"3migod, you didn-t '" he s/ueals.
I glance at him, "atching as his face falls "hen he reali1es the truth.
"3h od, I mean, you really didn-t. +ou didn-t get a chance to, since he ..." He loo*s at
me. "3h )&er, I-m so sorry."
I shrug, seeing the de&astation I feel so clearly displayed on his face.
"<isten," he says, reaching for my arm as I stop at a light, then pulling a"ay "hen he
remembers ho" I don-t li*e to be touched by anyone other than .amen, not blo"ing that
it-s only because I go out of my "ay to a&oid any and all unsolicited energy exchange.
")&er, you-re gorgeous, seriously. I mean, especially no" that you stopped "earing
those dumpy hoodies and baggy" He sha*es his head. "(ny"ay, I thin* it-s safe to
say that there-s no "ay .amen "ould ha&e "illingly "al*ed out on you. I mean, let-s
face it, the guy-s totally in lo&e, anyone can see it. (nd belie&e me, "ith the "ay you t"o
are constantly going at it, e&eryone has seen it. ,here-s 2ust no possible "ay he
could-&e bailed'"
I glance at him, "anting to remind him of "hat 5oman said about .amen speeding
a"ay, and ho" I ha&e this terrible feeling he-s someho" connected, maybe e&en
responsiblebut 2ust as I-m about to, I reali1e I can-t. I-&e no e&idence to go on, nothing
to pro&e it.
"+ou call the police?" he as*s, his expression suddenly serious.
I press my lips together and s/uint at the light straight ahead, hating the fact that I did
indeed call the cops.
Ano"ing that if e&erything turns out to be fine, and .amen sho"s up unscathed, he-s
going to be pretty unhappy about my dra"ing that *ind of attention his "ay.
%ut "hat "as I supposed to do? I mean, if there "as an accident or something, I figured
they-d be the first to *no". So Sunday morning, I "ent do"n to the station and filed a
report, ans"ering all of the usual /uestions li*e: mule, Caucasian, bro"n eyes, bro"n
hair . . . ;ntil "e got to his age and I nearly cho*ed "hen I almost said: um . . . he-s
approximately six hundred and se&enteen years old... "+eah, I filed a report," I finally
say, pressing hard on the gas the second the light turns green and "atching the
speedometer rise. ",hey too* do"n the info and said they-d loo* into it."
",hat-s it? (re you *idding? He-s underage, he-s not e&en an adult'"
"+eah, but he-s also emancipated. 0hich is li*e a "hole other set of circumstances,
ma*ing him legally responsible for himself, and other things I don-t /uite understand.
(ny"ay, it-s not li*e I-m pri&y to their in&estigation techni/ues, it-s not li*e they filled me
in on the big plan," I say, slo"ing to a more normal speed, no" that "e-&e entered the
school 1one. ".o you thin* "e should pass out flyers? 3r hold a candlelight &igil li*e you
see on the ne"s?"
My stomach curls "hen he says it, e&en though I *no" he-s 2ust being his usual o&erly
dramatic, though "ell8meaning self. %ut up until no", I hadn-t imagined it e&er coming to
that. I mean, surely .amen "ill sho" up soon. He-s got to. He-s immortal' 0hat could
possibly happen to him?
%ut no sooner do I thin* it than I pull into the par*ing lot and see him climbing out of his
car. <oo*ing so slee*, so sexy, so gorgeousyou-d thin* e&erything "as perfectly
normal. ,hat the last fe" days had ne&er occurred.
I slam on the bra*es, my car lurching for"ard then bac*, causing the dri&er behind me
to slam on their bra*es too. My heart racing, my hands sha*ing, as I "atch my
completely gorgeous, up until no" MI( boyfriend, run a hand through his hair so
deliberately, so insistently, and "ith such focused concentration you-d thin* it "as his
most pressing concern. ,his is not "hat I expected.
"0hat the hell?" Miles shrie*s, gaping at .amen as a "hole sle" of cars hon* behind
us. "(nd "hat-s he doing par*ed all the "ay o&er there? 0hy isn-t he in the second8best
spot, sa&ing the best one for us?" (nd since I don-t *no" the ans"ers to any of those
/uestions, I pull up beside .amen, thin*ing he might. I lo"er my "indo", feeling
inexplicably shy and a"*"ard "hen he merely glances at me before loo*ing a"ay. ";m,
is e&erything o*ay?" I as*, "incing "hen he 2ust barely nods, "hich is pretty much the
most imperceptible ac*no"ledgment of my presence he could possibly gi&e. He
reaches into his car and grabs his bag, ta*ing the opportunity to admire himself in the
dri&er-s side "indo" as I s"allo" hard and say, "%ecause you sort of too* off #riday
night. . . and I couldn-t find you or reach you all "ee*end . .. and I got *inda "orried . . . I
e&en left you some messages ... did you get them?" I press my lips together and cringe
at my pathetic, ineffecti&e, "uss8laden in/uiry. +ou sort of too* off? I got Mods "orried?
0hen "hat I really "ant to scream is: H)+ +3; I! ,H) S;$)58S<ICA (<<8%<(CA
)!S)M%<) 0H(, ,H) H)<< H($$)!).?
0atching as he slips his bag onto his shoulder and ga1es at me, his /uic* po"erful
stride closing the distance bet"een us in a handful of seconds. %ut only the physical
distance, not the emotional one, because "hen I loo* into his eyes they seem miles
a"ay.
(nd 2ust "hen I reali1e I-&e been holding my breath, he leans into the "indo", his face
close to mine "hen he says, "+eah. I got your messages. (ll fifty8nine of them."
I can feel his "arm breath on my chee* as my mouth drops open and my eyes search
his, see*ing the heat his ga1e al"ays pro&ides, and shi&ering "hen I come a"ay cold,
dar*, and empty. ,hough it-s nothing li*e the lac* of recognition I glimpsed the other day.
!o, this is far "orse.
%ecause no" "hen I loo* in his eyesit-s clear that he *no"s mehe 2ust "ishes he
didn-t.
".amen, I" My &oice crac*s as a car hon*s behind me and Miles mutters something
unintelligible under his breath.
(nd before I-&e had a chance to clear my throat and start o&er, .amen-s sha*ing his
head and "al*ing a"ay.
Chapter Seventeen
"(re you all right?" Miles as*s, his face displaying all of the heartbrea* and pain I-m too
numb to feel. I shrug, *no"ing I-m not. I mean, ho" can I be all right "hen I-m not e&en
sure "hat-s all "rong? ".amen-s an asshole," he says, a hard edge to his &oice.
%ut I 2ust sigh. )&en though I can-t explain it, and e&en though I don-t understand it, I
2ust *no" in my gut that things are far more complicated than they might seem.
"!o he-s not," I mumble, climbing out of the car and closing the door much harder than
necessary.
")&er, please ... I mean, I-m sorry to be the one to point it out, but you did 2ust see "hat I
sa", right?" I head to"ard Ha&en "ho-s "aiting by the gate. ",rust me, I sa"
e&erything," I say. 5eplaying the scene in my mind, each time pausing on his distant
eyes, his tepid energy, his complete lac* of interest in me
"So you agree? ,hat he-s an asshole?" Miles "atches me carefully, assuring himself I-m
not the *ind of girl "ho "ould e&er allo" a guy to treat her li*e that. "0ho-s an asshole?"
Ha&en as*s, glancing bet"een us.
Miles loo*s at me, his eyes as*ing permission, and after seeing me shrug, he loo*s at
Ha&en and says, ".amen."
Ha&en s/uints, her mind s"imming "ith /uestions. %ut I-&e got my o"n set of /uestions,
/uestions "ith no probable ans"er. Such as: 0hat the hell 2ust happened bac* there?
(nd: Since "hen does .amen ha&e an aura?
"Miles can fill you in," I say, glancing bet"een them before "al*ing a"ay. 0ishing more
than e&er that I could be normal, that I could lean on them and cry on their shoulders
li*e a regular girl. %ut there 2ust happens to be more to this situation than meets their
mortal eyes. (nd e&en though I can-t yet pro&e itif I "ant ans"ers, I-ll ha&e to go
straight to the source.
0hen I get to class, instead of hesitating at the door, li*e I thought I "ould, I surprise
myself by bursting right in. (nd "hen I see .amen leaning against the edge of Stacia-s
des*, smiling and 2o*ing and flirting "ith herI feel li*e I-&e stepped into a ma2or case of
dG2N &u.
+ou can handle this, I thin*. +ou-&e been here before.
5emembering the time, not so long ago, "hen .amen pretended to be interested in
Stacia, but only to get to me.
%ut the closer I get, the more I reali1e that this is nothing at all li*e the last time. %ac*
then all I had to do "as loo* into his eyes to find the smallest glimmer of compassion, a
sli&er of regret he 2ust couldn-t hide. %ut no", "atching as Stacia outdoes herself "ith
her hair8tossing, clea&age8flaunting, eyelash8batting routineit-s li*e I-m in&isible.
";m, excuse me," I say, causing them to loo* up, clearly annoyed by the interruption.
".amen, could I, um, could I tal* to you for a sec?" I sho&e my hands in my poc*ets so
he can-t see them sha*e, forcing myself to breathe li*e a normal, relaxed person "ould
in and out, slo" and steady, "ith no gasping or "hee1ing. 0atching as he and Stacia
glance at each other, then burst out laughing at the exact same time. (nd 2ust as
.amen-s about to spea*, Mr. 5obins "al*s in and says, "Seats, e&eryone' I "ant to see
you all in your seats'"
So I motion to our des*s, and say, "$lease, after you." I follo" behind, resisting the urge
to grab him by the shoulder, spin him around, and force him to loo* me in the eye as I
scream:
0hy did you lea&e me? 0hat on earth happened to you? Ho" could you do that on
that night of all nights?
Ano"ing that sort of direct, confrontational approach "ill only "or* against me. ,hat if I
"ant to get any"here at all, then I-ll ha&e to act cool, calm, and easy.
I toss my bag to the floor, stac*ing my boo*, noteboo*, and pen on my des*. Smiling as
though I-m no more than a casual friend interested in a little Monday morning chat "hen
I say, "So, "hat-d you do this "ee*end?"
He shrugs, his eyes gra1ing o&er me before resting on mine. (nd it-s a moment before I
reali1e the horrible thoughts that I hear are coming straight from his head.
0ell, if I-m gonna ha&e a stal*er, at least she-s hot, he thin*s, his bro"s merging
together as I instincti&ely reach for my i$od, "anting to tune him out, yet *no"ing I can-t
ris* missing something important, no matter ho" much it might hurt. %esides, I-&e ne&er
had access to .amen-s mind before, ne&er been able to hear "hat he-s thin*ing. %ut
no" that I can, I-m not sure that I "ant to.
(nd "hen he t"ists his lips to the side and narro"s his eyes, thin*ing: ,oo bad she-s
totally psycho definitely not "orth ris*ing a tap. ,he bite of his "ords is li*e a sta*e in
my chest. (nd I-m so ta*en abac* by his casual cruelty, I forget they "eren-t spo*en out
loud "hen I shrie*, ")xcuse me? 0hat did you 2ust say?" Causing all of my classmates
to turn and stare, their sympathies lying "ith .amen for ha&ing to sit next to me.
"Is something "rong?" Mr. 5obins as*s, glancing bet"een us.
I sit there, totally speechless. My heart ca&ing "hen .amen loo*s at Mr. 5obins and
says, "I-m fine. She9s the frea*."
Chapter Eighteen
I follo"ed him. I-m not ashamed to admit it. I had to. He left me no choice. I mean, if
.amen-s going to insist on a&oiding me, then sur&eillance is my only option.
So I follo"ed him out of )nglish, "aited for him after second periodthird and fourth
too. Staying in the bac*ground and obser&ing from afar, "ishing I-d agreed to let him
transfer to all of my classes li*e he originally "anted, but thin*ing it "as too creepy, too
codependent, I "ouldn-t let him. So no" I-m forced to linger outside his door,
ea&esdropping on his con&ersations along "ith the thoughts in his headthoughts that,
I-m horrified to report, are depressingly &ain, narcissistic, and shallo". %ut that-s not the
real .amen. 3f this I-m con&inced. !ot that I thin* he-s a manifest .amen because
those ne&er last more than a fe" minutes. 0hat I mean is, something-s happened to
him. Something serious that9s ma*ing him act and thin* li*e"ell, li*e most of the guys
in this school. %ecause e&en though I ne&er had access to his mind until no", I *no" he
didn-t thin* li*e that before. He didn-t act li*e that either. !o, this ne" .amen is li*e an
entirely ne" creature, "here only the outside is familiar"hile the inside is something
else altogether. I head to"ard the lunch table, steeling myself for "hat I might find,
though it-s not until I-&e un1ipped my lunch pac* and shined my apple on my slee&e,
that I reali1e that the real reason I-m alone isn-t because I-m early.
It-s because e&eryone else has abandoned me too. I loo* up, hearing .amen-s familiar
laugh, only to find him surrounded by Stacia, Honor, and Craig, along "ith the rest of
the (8list cre". 0hich "ouldn-t be all that surprising "ith the "ay things are going,
except for the fact that Miles and Ha&en are there too. (nd as my eyes s"eep the
length of the table, I drop my apple and my mouth runs dry "hen I see that all of the
tables are no" pushed together. ,he lions are no" lunching "ith lambs.
0hich means 5oman-s prediction came true.
%ay =ie" High School-s lunch time caste system has come to an end.
"So, "hat do you thin*?" 5oman says, sliding onto the bench opposite me, hoo*ing his
thumb o&er his shoulder as a smile "idens his chee*s. "Sorry for 2ust dropping in on you
li*e this, but I sa" you admiring my "or*, so I thought I-d stop by for a chat. (re you all
right?" He leans to"ard me, his face appearing genuinely concerned, though luc*ily I-m
not stupid enough to fall for it.
I meet his ga1e, determined to hold it for as long as I can. Sensing he-s responsible for
.amen-s beha&ior, Miles-s and Ha&en-s defection, and the entire school li&ing in
harmony and peacebut lac*ing the e&idence needed to pro&e it.
I mean, to e&eryone else he-s a hero, a true Che ue&ara, a lunch time re&olutionary.
%ut to me he-s a threat.
"So I assume you made it home safely?" he as*s, chugging his soda though his eyes
are on me.
I glance at Miles, "atching as he says something to Craig that ma*es them both laugh,
then I mo&e on to Ha&en, seeing her lean to"ard Honor, "hispering into her ear.
%ut I don-t loo* at .amen.
I refuse to "atch him ga1e into Stacia-s eyes, place his hand on her *nee, and tease her
"ith his &ery best smile as his fingers creep along her thigh ...
I sa" plenty of that already in )nglish. %esides, I9m pretty sure that "hate&er they-re up
to is 2ust foreplaythe first tentati&e step to"ard the *ind of horrible things I sa" in
Stacia-s head. ,he &ision that frea*ed me so bad I too* do"n a "hole rac* of bras in my
panic. (nd yet, by the time I got myself upright and settled again, I "as sure she-d done
it on purpose, ne&er considered it to be some *ind of prophecy. (nd e&en though I still
thin* she created it 2ust out of spite, and that their being together no" is merely a
coincidence, I ha&e to admit it-s pretty disturbing to see it played out.
%ut e&en though I refuse to "atch it, I still try to listenhoping to hear something
pertinent, some &ital information exchange. %ut 2ust as I focus my attention and try to
tune in, I-m met by a big "all of soundall of those &oices and thoughts merging
together, ma*ing it impossible to distinguish any particular one.
"+ou *no", #riday night?" 5oman continues, his long fingers tapping the sides of his
soda can, refusing to budge from this line of /uestioning, e&en though I refuse to
participate. "0hen I found you alone? I ha&e to tell you, )&er, I felt a"ful lea&ing you li*e
that, but then again, you insisted."
I glance at him, uninterested in playing this game but thin*ing that if I 2ust ans"er his
/uestion, then maybe he9ll lea&e. "I made it home 2ust fine. ,han*s for your concern."
He smiles, the grin that probably ma*es a million hearts s"oonbut only chills mine.
,hen he leans in and says, "(", no" loo* at that, you-re being sarcastic, aren-t you?"
I shrug and ga1e do"n at my apple, rolling it bac* and forth across the table.
"I 2ust "ish you-d tell me "hat I-&e done to ma*e you hate me so much. I-m sure there-s
got to be some *ind of peaceful solution, some "ay to remedy tills."
I press my lips together and stare at my apple, rolling it along on its side as I push it
hard against the table, feeling its flesh soften and gi&e as the s*in starts to brea*.
"<et me ta*e you to dinner," he says, his blue eyes focused on mine. "0hat do you say?
( right and proper date. 4ust the t"o of us. I-ll get the car detailed, buy some ne"
clothes, ma*e a reser&ation some"here s"an*a good time guaranteed'"
I sha*e my head and roll my eyes, the only response I plan to gi&e.
%ut 5oman-s undaunted, refusing to fold. "(", come on, )&er. i&e a blo*e a chance to
change your mind. +ou can opt out at anytime, scout-s honor. Hell, "e9ll e&en ma*e up a
safe "ord. +ou *no", if at any time you decide things ha&e strayed too far from your
comfort le&el, you 2ust shout out the safe "ord, all acti&ity "ill cease, and neither of us
"ill e&er spea* of it again." He pushes his soda aside and slides his hands to"ard mine,
the tips of his fingers creeping so close, I yan* mine a"ay. "Come on, gi&e a little, "ill
ya? Ho" can you say no to an offer li*e that?"
His &oice is deep and persuasi&e, his ga1e right on mine, but I 2ust continue rolling my
apple, "atching the flesh burst free of the s*in.
"I promise it-ll be nothing li*e those rubbish dates that "an*er .amen probably ta*es
you on. #or one thing, I-d ne&er lea&e a girl as gorgeous as you to fend for herself in a
par*ing lot." He loo*s at me, a smile playing at his lips "hen he says, "0ell, I suppose I
did lea&e a gorgeous girl li*e you to fend for herself, but only because I "as honoring
your re/uest. See? I9&e already pro&en I-m at your ser&ice, "illing to 2ump at your e&ery
command."
"0hat-s "ith you?" I finally say, peering into those blue eyes "ithout flinching or loo*ing
a"ay. 0ishing he9d 2ust gi&e it a rest and re2oin the only other lunch table in tills school,
the one "here e&erybody9s "elcome but me. "I mean, does e&eryone ha&e to li*e you?
Is that it? (nd if so, don-t you thin* that-s 2ust a tad insecure?"
He laughs. (nd I mean, a genuine, thigh8slapping laugh. (nd "hen he finally calms
do"n, he sha*es his head and says, "0ell no, not e&eryone. ,hough I do ha&e to admit,
it is usually the case." He leans to"ard me, his face mere inches from mine. "0hat can I
say? I-m a li*able guy. Most people find me /uite charming."
I sha*e my head and loo* a"ay, tired of being toyed "ith and eager to put an end to this
game. "0ell, I9m sorry to brea* it to you, but I-m afraid you-re going to ha&e to count me
among the rare fe" "ho aren-t the least bit charmed by you. %ut please, do us both a
fa&or and try not to &ie" it as a challenge and set out to change my mind. 0hy don-t you
2ust go re2oin your table and lea&e me alone. I mean, "hy bring e&eryone together if you
don-t plan to en2oy all the fun?"
He loo*s at me, smiling and sha*ing his head as he slides off the bench, his eyes right
on mine "hen he says, ")&er, you are mad hot. Seriously. (nd if I didn9t *no" better, I-d
thin* you "ere purposely trying to dri&e me insane."
I roll my eyes and loo* a"ay.
"%ut, not "anting to "ear out my "elcome and recogni1ing the signs of a blo*e being
told to sod off, I thin* I-ll 2ust" He 2abs his thumb to"ard the table "here the "hole
school is sitting. ",hough, of course, if you change your mind and "ant to come 2oin me,
I-m sure I can con&ince them to ma*e room." I sha*e my head and motion for him to go,
my throat hot and tight, unable to spea*, *no"ing that despite all appearances, I ha&en-t
"on this onein fact, I-m not e&en close.
"3h, and I thought you might "ant these," he says, placing my shoes on the table, as
though my strappy, faux sna*es*in "edges are some *ind of peace offering. "%ut don-t
"orry, no need to than* me." He laughs, glancing o&er his shoulder to say, "+ou might
"ant to ta*e it easy on that apple though, you-re gi&ing it /uite the beating."
I s/uee1e tighter? "atching as he heads straight for Ha&en, trails a finger do"n the
length of her nec* and presses his lips to her ear. Causing me to grip the apple so hard
it explodes in my handits stic*y "et 2uice slipping do"n the length of my fingers and
onto my "ristas 5oman loo*s o&er and laughs.
Chapter Nineteen
0hen I get to art, I head straight for the supply closet, slip into my smoc*, gather my
supplies, and am 2ust heading bac* into the room "hen I see .amen standing in the
door"ay, "earing a strange loo* on his face. ( loo* that, "hile it may be strange, also
fills me "ith hope, as his eyes are sort of &acant, his 2a" slac*, and he seems lost and
unsure, li*e he might need my help.
Ano"ing I need to sei1e the moment "hile it-s standing there slac* 2a"ed before me, I
lean to"ard him, gently touching his arm as I say, ".amen?" My &oice sha*y, scratchy,
as though it-s the first time I-&e used it all day. ".amen, honey, are you o*ay?" My eyes
gra1e o&er him, fighting the urge to press my lips hard against his.
He loo*s at me "ith a flash of recognition that-s soon 2oined by *indness, longing, and
lo&e. (nd as my fingers strain to"ard his chee*, my eyes fill "ith tears, seeing his
reddish bro"n aura fade and *no"ing he9s mine once again
(nd then:
"(y mate, mo&e along, mo&e along, you-re holdin- up the flo" of traffic -ere."
(nd 2ust li*e that, the old .amen-s gone, and the ne" .amen-s bac*.
He pushes past me, his aura flaring, his thoughts repulsed by my touch. ,hen I press
against the "all, cringing as 5oman follo"s behind, accidentally brushing his body
against mine.
"Sorry -bout that, lu&." He smiles, his face leering.
I close my eyes and grasp the "all for support. My head s"aying as the euphoric s"irl
of his bright sunshiny aurahis intense, expansi&e, optimistic energy"ashes right
through me. Infusing my mind "ith images so hopeful, so friendly, so innocuous, they fill
me "ith shameshame for all my suspicionsshame for being so un*ind
(nd yetthere-s something not /uite right about it.
Something off in the rhythm. Most minds are a 2umble of beats, a rush of "ords, a s"irl
of pictures, a cacophony of sounds all tumbling together li*e the most dis2ointed 2a11.
%ut 5oman-s mind is orderly, organi1ed, "ith one thought flo"ing cleanly into the next.
Ma*ing it sound forced, unnatural, li*e a prerecorded script
"%y the loo*s of you, darlin-, it seems that "as almost as good for you as it "as for me.
+ou sure you "on-t change your mind about that date?" His chilled breath presses my
chee*, his lips so close I fear he might try to *iss me. (nd 2ust as I-m about to push him
a"ay, .amen "al*s past us and says, ".ude, seriously, "hat-re you doing? ,hat spa1 is
not "orth your time."
,hat spa1 is not "orth your time that spa1 is not "orth your time that spa1 is not "orth
your time that spa1 is not "orth your time that spa1 is not "orth your time that spa1 is
not ")&er? Ha&e you gro"n?"
I loo* up to find Sabine standing next to me, handing me a freshly rinsed bo"l that-s
meant for the dish"asher. (nd it-s only after I blin* a fe" times that I remember it-s my
2ob to put it there.
"Sorry, "hat?" I as*, my fingers gripping the soapy "et porcelain as I ease it onto the
rac*. ;nable to thin* about anything but .amen, and the hurtful "ords I use to torture
myself "ith, by replaying them again and again.
"+ou loo* li*e you-&e gro"n. In fact, I-m sure of it. (ren-t those the 2eans I 2ust bought
you?"
I ga1e do"n at my feet, startled to find se&eral inches of an*le exposed. 0hich is e&en
more bi1arre "hen I remember ho" 2ust this morning the hems dragged on the floor.
";mmaybe," I lie, *no"ing that "e both *no" they are.
She s/uints, sha*ing her head "hen she says, "I thought for sure they-d be the right
si1e. <oo*s li*e you9re going through a gro"th spurt." She shrugs.
"%ut then, you-re only sixteen, so I suppose it-s not too late."
3nly sixteen, but damn close to se&enteen, I thin*, longing for the day "hen I turn
eighteen, graduate, and head off on my o"n so I can be alone "ith my "eird creepy
secrets and Sabine can get bac* to her regularly scheduled life. Ha&ing no idea ho" I-ll
e&er repay her for her *indness, and no" adding a pair of o&erpriced 2eans to the tab.
"I "as done gro"ing by fifteen, but it loo*s li*e you9re going to end up a lot taller than
me." She smiles, handing me a fistful of spoons.
I smile "ea*ly, "ondering 2ust ho" tall I-ll get and hoping I don-t turn into some *ind of
giantess frea*, some 5ipley-s %elie&e it or !ot' co&er girl. Ano"ing that gro"ing three
inches in the course of one day is no ordinary gro"th spurtnot by a long shot.
%ut no" that she mentions it, I-&e also noticed that my nails are starting to gro" so fast I
ha&e to clip them nearly e&ery day, and that my bangs are no" past my chin e&en
though I-&e only been gro"ing them for the past fe" "ee*s. !ot to mention ho" the blue
of my eyes seems to be deepening, "hile my slightly croo*ed front teeth ha&e righted
themsel&es. (nd no matter ho" much I abuse it, ho" irregularly I cleanse it, my
complexion remains clear, poreless, and completely blemish8free.
(nd no" I-&e gro"n three inches since brea*fast?
3b&iously, it can only be due to one thingthe immortal 2uice I-&e been drin*ing. I
mean, e&en though I-&e been immortal for the better half of a year, nothing really
changed 6"ell, other than my instantaneous healing abilities7 until I started drin*ing it.
%ut no" that I ha&e, it-s li*e all my better physical traits are suddenly magnified and
enhanced, "hile the more mediocre ones are fully impro&ed.
(nd "hile part of me feels excited by the prospect and curious to see "hat else is in
store, the other part can9t help but notice ho" I-m de&eloping to"ard full immortal
capacity 2ust in time to spend the rest of eternity alone.
"Must be that 2uice you-re al"ays gu11ling." Sabine laughs. "Maybe I should try it. I
"ouldn-t mind brea*ing the fi&e8foot8four barrier "ithout the aid of high heels'"
"!o'" I say, the "ords spilling from my lips before I can stop them, *no"ing that
ans"ering li*e that "ill only pi/ue her interest.
She loo*s at me, bro"s merged, damp sponge in hand.
"I mean, I-m sure you "on-t li*e it. In fact, you-ll most li*ely hate it. Seriously, it-s got *ind
of a "eird taste." I nod, attempting a light bree1y expression, not "anting her to *no"
ho" her statement has left me totally frea*ed.
"0ell, I "on-t *no" until I try, right?" she says, her eyes still on mine. "0here do you get
it any"ay? I don-t remember e&er seeing it in stores. (nd I-&e ne&er seen a label on it
either. 0hat-s it e&en called?"
"I get it from .amen," I say, en2oying the feel of his name on my lips, e&en though it
does nothing to fill up the &oid his absence has left. "0ell, as* him to get me some too,
"ill you?" (nd the moment she says it, I *no" this is no longer 2ust about the 2uice.
She-s trying to get me to open up, to explain his absence at our Saturday night dinner,
and e&ery day since.
I close the dish"asher and turn a"ay. $retending to "ipe do"n a counter that-s already
clean and a&oiding her eyes "hen I say, "0ell, I can-t actually do that. Mostly
because.... "e-re um.... "e-re sort of ta*ing a brea*," I say, my &oice crac*ing in the
most embarrassing "ay.
She reaches for me, "anting to hug me, comfort me, tell me it "ill all be o*ay. (nd e&en
though my bac* is turned so that I can-t see her in the physical sense, I can still see it in
my head, so I step to the side and mo&e out of her "ay.
"3h )&erI-m so sorryI didn-t *no"" she says, her hands hanging a"*"ardly at her
sides, unsure "hat to do "ith them no" that I-&e mo&ed. I nod, feeling guilty for being
my usual cold distant self. 0ishing I could someho" explain that I can-t ris* the physical
contact because I can-t ris* *no"ing her secrets. ,hat it "ill only distract me and pro&ide
images I don-t need to see. I mean, I-m barely handling my o"n secrets, so it-s not li*e
I-m eager to add hers to the mix.
"Itit "as *ind of sudden," I say, *no"ing she-s not "illing to let the case rest until she-s
gotten a little more out of me. "I mean, it 2ust sort of happenedand"ell, I don-t really
*no" "hat to say.B
II9m here if you need to tal*."
"I-m not ready to tal* about it yet. It-sit-s too ne" still and I-m trying to sort it all out.
Maybe later..." I shrug, hoping that by the time later arri&es, .amen and I "ill be bac*
together again, and the "hole issue resol&ed.
Chapter Twenty
0hen I get to Miles-s, I-m a little ner&ous, ha&ing no idea "hat to expect. %ut "hen I see
him outside, "aiting on his front stoop, I hea&e a small sigh of relief, *no"ing things
aren-t nearly as bad as I thought.
I pull up to his dri&e, lo"er my "indo", and call, "Hey Miles, hop in'"
,hen I "atch as he glances up from his phone, sha*ing his head as he says, "Sorry, I
thought I told you, I-m getting a ride from Craig."
I gape, my smile fro1en in place as I replay his "ords in my head.
Craig? (s in Honor-s boyfriend Craig? ,he sexually confused Cro8Magnon 2oc* "hose
true preferences I learned by ea&esdropping on his thoughts? ,he one "ho practically
li&es to ma*e fun of Miles because it ma*es him feel "safe" li*e he-s not one of
"them."
,hat Craig?
"Since "hen are you friends "ith Craig?" I as*, sha*ing my head and s/uinting at him.
Miles reluctantly rises and comes around to my side.
$ausing from his texting pursuits long enough to say, "Since I decided to get a life,
branch out, and expand my hori1ons. Maybe you should try it too. He-s pretty cool once
you get to *no" him."
I "atch as his thumbs get bac* to "or*, as I struggle to get a grip on his "ords. #eeling
li*e I-&e landed in some cra1y, implausible, alternate uni&erse "here cheerleaders
gossip "ith oths, and 2oc*s hang "ith drama frea*s. ( place so unnatural it could
ne&er truly exist.
)xcept that it does exist. In a place called %ay =ie" High.
",his is the same Craig that called you a fag and ga&e you a s"irly on your first day of
school?"
Miles shrugs. "$eople change."
I-ll say.
)xcept that they don-t.
3r at least not that much in one day unless they ha&e a &ery good reason for doing so
unless someone else, someone behind the scenes, is prompting them, engineering it so
to spea*. Manipulating them against their "ill and causing them to say and do things
that are totally against their true natureall "ithout their permission, "ithout their e&en
reali1ing it.
"Sorry, I thought I told you, but I guess I got busy. %ut you don-t need to come by
anymore, I-&e got it all co&ered," he says, dismissing our friendship "ith a shrug, as
though it bore no more importance than a ride to school.
I s"allo" hard, resisting the urge to grab him by the shoulders and demand to *no"
"hat happened"hy he9s acting li*e this"hy e&eryone is acting li*e thisand "hy
they-&e all unanimously decided against me.
%ut I don-t. Someho", I manage to restrain myself.
Mostly because I ha&e a terrible suspicion I might already *no". (nd if it turns out that
I-m right, then it9s not li*e Miles is responsible any"ay.
"3*ay, "ell, good to *no"." I nod, forcing a smile I definitely don-t feel. "I guess I-ll 2ust
see you around then," I say, my fingers drumming against the gearshift, "aiting for a
response that-s not coming anytime soon, and bac*ing out of his dri&e only "hen Craig
pulls up behind me, hon*s his horn t"ice, and motions for me to mo&e.
In )nglish, it-s e&en "orse than I anticipated. (nd I9m not e&en half"ay do"n the aisle
before I notice that .amen is no" sitting by Stacia.
(nd I-m tal*ing hand8holding, note8passing, "hispering distance from Stacia.
0hile I remain alone in the bac* li*e a complete and total re2ect.
I press my lips together as I ma*e my "ay to"ard my des*, listening to all of my
classmates hiss:
"Spa1' 0atch out, Spa1' .on-t fall, Spa1'"
,he same "ords I-&e been hearing since the moment I got out of my car.
(nd e&en though I-&e no idea "hat it means, I can9t say I-m all that bothered by ituntil
.amen 2oins in.
%ecause the moment he starts laughing and sneering along "ith the rest, all I "ant to
do is go bac*. %ac* to my car, bac* home "here it-s safe
%ut I don-t. I can-t. I need to stay put. (ssuring myself that it-s temporarythat I-ll soon
get to the bottom of itthat there-s no possible "ay I-&e lost .amen for good.
(nd someho", this helps me get through it. 0ell, that, and Mr. 5obins telling e&eryone
to shush. So "hen the bell finally rings, and e&eryone-s filed out, I-m almost out the door
"hen I hear:
")&er? Can I spea* to you for a moment?"
I grip the door handle, my fingers closed and ready to t"ist.
"I "on-t *eep you long."
(nd I ta*e a deep breath and surrender, my fingers cran*ing the sound on my i$od the
second I see his face.
Mr. 5obins ne&er *eeps me after class. He-s 2ust not the stop and chat type. (nd all of
this time I "as sure that completing my home"or* and acing my tests insured me
against this exact *ind of tiling.
-I-m not sure ho" to say this, and I don-t "ant to o&erstep my bounds herebut I really
feel I must say something. It-s about"
.amen.
It-s about my one true soul mate. My eternal lo&e. My biggest fan for the last four
hundred years, "ho is no" completely repulsed by me.
(nd ho" 2ust this morning he as*ed to change seats. %ecause he thin*s I-m a stal*er.
(nd no", Mr. 5obins, my recently separated, "ell8meaning )nglish teacher "ho hasn-t
a clue, about me, about .amen, about much of anything outside of musty old no&els
"ritten by long8dead authors, "ants to explain ho" relationships "or*. Ho" young lo&e
is intense. Ho" it all feels so urgent, li*e it-s the most important thing in the "orld "hile
it-s happeningonly it-s not. ,here "ill be plenty of other lo&es, if I 2ust allo" myself to
mo&e on. (nd I ha&e to mo&e on. It-s imperati&e. Mostly because: "%ecause stal*ing is
not the ans"er," he says. "It-s a crime. ( &ery serious crime, "ith serious
conse/uences." He fro"ns, hoping to relay the seriousness of all this.
"I-m not stal*ing him," I say, reali1ing too late that defending myself against the "ord
before going through all the usual steps of: He said "hat? 0hy "ould he do that? 0hat
could he mean? li*e a normal, more clueless person "ould, ma*es me appear
suspiciously guilty. So I s"allo" hard "hen I add, "<isten, Mr. 5obins, "ith all due
respect, I *no" you mean "ell, and I don-t *no" "hat .amen told you, but"
I loo* in his eyes, seeing exactly "hat .amen told him: that I-m obsessed "ith him, that
I-m cra1y, that I dri&e by his house day and night, that I call him o&er and o&er again,
lea&ing creepy, obsessi&e, pathetic messages "hich may be partially true, but still.
%ut Mr. 5obins isn-t about to let me finish, he 2ust sha*es his head and says, ")&er, the
last thing I "ant to do is choose sides or get bet"een you and .amen, because fran*ly,
it-s 2ust none of my business and it-s something you-re ultimately going to ha&e to "or*
out on your o"n. (nd despite your recent expulsion, despite the fact that you rarely pay
attention in class, and lea&e your i$od on long after I-&e as*ed you to turn it offyou-re
still one of my best and brightest students. (nd I-d hate to see you 2eopardi1e "hat
could turn out to be a &ery bright future o&er a boy."
I close my eyes and s"allo" hard. #eeling so humiliated I "ish I could 2ust &anish into
thin airdisappear.
!o, actually it-s much "orse than thatI feel mortified, disgraced, horrified, dishonored,
and e&erything else that defines "anting to slin* off in shame.
"It-s not "hat you thin*," I say, meeting his ga1e and silently urging him to belie&e it.
".espite "hate&er stories .amen might-&e told you, it-s not at all "hat it appears to be,"
I add, hearing Mr. 5obins sigh along "ith the thoughts in his head. Ho" he "ishes he
could share ho" lost he felt "hen his "ife and daughter "al*ed out, ho" he ne&er
thought he-d ma*e it through another daybut fearing it-s inappropriate, "hich it is.
"If you 2ust gi&e yourself some time, focus your attention on something else," he says,
sincerely "anting to help me, and yet afraid of o&erstepping his bounds. "+ou-ll soon
find that"
,he bell rings.
I shift my bac*pac* onto my shoulder, press my lips together, and loo* at him.
0atching as he sha*es his head and says, "#ine. I9ll "rite you a tardy pass. +ou-re free
to go."
Chapter Twenty-One
I-m a +ou,ube star. (pparently the footage of me untangling myself from a seemingly
ne&er8ending string of =ictoria-s Secret bras, thongs, and garter belts has not only
earned me the oh so cle&er nic*name of Spa1 but has also been &ie"ed O,JOJ times.
0hich 2ust happens to be the number of students enrolled here at %ay =ie". 0ell, "ith a
fe" of the faculty members tossed in. It-s Ha&en "ho tells me. #inding her at her loc*er
after barely ma*ing it through a gauntlet of people shouting, "Hey, Spa1' .on-t fall,
Spa1'" she-s *ind enough not only to fill me in on the origin of my ne"found celebrity but
to lead me to the &ideo so I can "atch the spectacle of myself spa11ing out right there
on my i$hone.
"3h, that-s 2ust great," I say, sha*ing my head, *no"ing it-s the least of my problems, but
still. "It-s pretty fuggin- bad," she agrees, closing her loc*er and loo*ing at me "ith an
expression that could only be read as pity"ell, pity on a time crunch "ith only a fe"
seconds to spare for a spa1 li*e me. "Soanything else? -Cause I need to get going, I
promised Honor I-d"
I loo* at her, I mean, really loo* at her. Seeing ho" the flame red stripe in her hair is
no" pin*, and ho" her usual pale8s*inned, dar*ly clad, )mo loo* has been s"apped for
the spray8tanned, spar*le8dress, fluffy8haired ensemble of those same cli/uey clones
she al"ays made fun of. %ut despite her ne" dress code, despite her ne" (8list
membership, despite all the e&idence presented before me, I still don-t belie&e she-s
responsible for anything she "ears, says, or does at this point. %ecause e&en though
Ha&en has a tendency to latch on to others and mimic their "aysshe still has her
standards. (nd I *no" for a fact that the Stacia and Honor brigade is one group she
ne&er aspired to 2oin.
%ut still, *no"ing all that doesn-t ma*e it any easier to accept. (nd e&en though I *no"
it-s useless, e&en though it clearly "on-t change a thing, I still loo* at her and say, "I
can-t belie&e you-re friends "ith them. I mean, after e&erything they-&e done to me." I
sha*e my head, "anting her to *no" 2ust ho" much that hurts.
(nd e&en though I hear her response a fe" seconds earlier, it does little to soften the
blo" "hen she says, ".id they push you? .id they sho&e you or trip you or ma*e you
fall on top of that rac*? 3r did you do that all on your o"n?" She loo*s at me, bro"s
raised, lips pursed, narro"ed eyes focused on mine. (s I stand there stunned, mute, my
throat searing so hot I couldn-t spea* if I tried.
"It-s li*elighten up already, "ould you?" She rolls her eyes and sha*es her head.
",hey meant for it to be funny. (nd you-d be a hellu&a lot happier if you could 2ust
unclench, stop ta*ing yourself and e&erything around you so damn seriously, and fuggin-
learn to li&e a little' I mean, seriously, )&er. ,hin* about it, o*ay?"
She turns, merging seamlessly into the cro"d of students, all of them heading for the
extra long table in their ne" lunchtime exodus, "hile I ma*e a run for the gate.
I mean, "hy torture myself? 0hy hang around 2ust so I can "atch .amen flirt "ith
Stacia, and get called spa1 by my friends? 0hy ha&e all of these ad&anced psychic
abilities if I-m not going to exploit them and put them to good useli*e ditching school?
"<ea&ing so soon?"
I ignore the &oice behind me and *eep going.
5oman-s pretty much the last person I-m "illing to tal* to at this point.
")&er, hey, hold up' Seriously." He laughs, pic*ing up his pace until he-s right alongside
me. "0here-s the fire?"
I unloc* my car and slide in, yan*ing the door and almost getting it closed, until he stops
it "ith the palm of his hand. (nd e&en though I *no" I-m stronger, that if I really "anted I
could 2ust slam the door closed and be on my "ay, the fact that I-m still not used to my
ne" immortal strength is the one thing that stops me. %ecause as much as I disli*e him,
I-m a little reluctant to slam it so hard I se&er his hand.
I-d much rather sa&e that *ind of thing for "hen I might need it.
"If you don-t mind, I really need to get going." I pull the door again, but he 2ust grips it
tighter. (nd "hen I combine the amused loo* on his face "ith the surprising strength in
his fingers, I feel the strangest ping in my gut "hen I reali1e those t"o seemingly
random things support my deepest suspicions.
%ut "hen I loo* at him again, "atching as he lifts his hand to sip from his soda,
exposing a "rist that-s free of all mar*ings, bearing no tattoos of a sna*e eating its o"n
tailthe mythical 3uroboros symbol "hich happens to be the sign of an immortal
turned rogueit 2ust doesn-t add up.
%ecause the fact is, not only does he eat and drin*, not only are his aura and thoughts
accessible 6"ell, to me any"ay7, but as much as I hate to admit it, from "hat I can see,
he bears no out"ard signs of e&il. (nd "hen you put that together, it-s ob&ious my
suspicions are not only paranoid but unfounded as "ell.
0hich means he-s not the male&olent immortal rogue I supposed him to be.
0hich also means he-s not responsible for .amen dumping me, or Miles-s and Ha&en-s
defection. !ope, that "ould point right bac* to me.
(nd e&en though all the e&idence supports thatI refuse to accept it.
%ecause "hen I loo* at him again, my pulse /uic*ens, my stomach pings, and I-m
o&ercome by a feeling of unease and dread. Ma*ing it impossible for me to belie&e he-s
2ust some 2olly young chap from )ngland "ho "ound up at our school and found himself
all smitten "ith me.
%ecause the one thing I *no" for sure is: )&erything "as fine until he arri&ed.
(nd nothing-s been the same since.
"S*ipping out on lunch, are you?"
I roll my eyes. I mean, it-s pretty ob&ious "hat I-m up to, so I "on-t "aste my time "ith
an ans"er.
"(nd I see you ha&e room for one more. Mind if I 2oin you?"
"(s a matter of fact, I do. So if you-d *indly remo&e your" I motion to"ard his hand,
flic*ing my fingers in the international sign for scrum.
He holds up his hands in surrender, sha*ing his head "hen he says, "I don-t *no" if
you9&e noticed, )&er, but the more you e&ade me, the faster I chase. It-ll be a lot easier
for both of us if you 2ust stop running."
I narro" my ga1e, trying to see past the sunshiny aura and "ell8ordered thoughts, but
I-m bloc*ed by a barrier so impenetrable it-s either the end of the road, or he-s "ay
"orse than I thought.
"If you insist on the chase," I say, my &oice much surer than I feel. ",hen you better start
training. -Cause, dude, you-re in for a marathon."
He "inces, body flinching, eyes "idening as though he9s been stung. (nd if I didn-t
*no" better, I-d thin* it "as real. %ut the fact is, I do *no" better. He-s 2ust hamming it
up, practicing a fe" facial expressions for dramatic effect. (nd I don-t ha&e time to be
the butt of his 2o*e.
I shift into re&erse and bac* out of my space, hoping to lea&e it at that.
%ut he 2ust smiles, slapping the hood of my car "hen he says, "(s you "ish, )&er.
ame on."
Chapter Twenty-Two
I don-t go home.
I started to. In fact, I had e&ery intention of dri&ing home, hauling upstairs, and flinging
myself on my bed, burying my face in a fat pile of pillo"s and crying my eyes out li*e a
big pathetic baby. %ut then, 2ust as I "as turning onto my street, I thought better. I mean,
I can-t allo" myself that *ind of luxury. I can-t "aste the time. So instead, I ma*e a ;8
turn and head to"ard do"nto"n <aguna. Ma*ing my "ay through those steep narro"
streets, dri&ing past "ell8tended cottages "ith beautiful gardens and the double8lot
McMansions that sit right beside them. Heading for the address of the only person I
*no" "ho can help me.
")&er." She smiles, pushing her "a&y auburn hair off her face as her large bro"n eyes
settle on mine. (nd e&en though I arri&ed unannounced, she doesn-t seem the least bit
surprised. %ut then her being psychic ma*es her pretty hard to startle.
"I-m sorry for 2ust sho"ing up and not calling first, I guess I"
%ut she doesn-t let me finish. She 2ust opens the door and "a&es me right in, ushering
me to"ard the *itchen table "here I sat once beforethe last time I "as in trouble and
had no"here to turn.
I used to loathe her, really loathed her. (nd "hen she started con&incing 5iley to mo&e
onto cross the bridge to "here our parents and %uttercup "ere "aitingit got e&en
"orse. %ut e&en though I used to count her as my "orst enemy besides Stacia, all of
that seems li*e so long ago no". (nd as she fusses around the *itchen, setting out
coo*ies and bre"ing green tea, I "atch, feeling guilty for not *eeping in touch, for only
coming around "hen I-m desperately in need.
0e exchange the usual pleasantries, then she ta*es the seat across from me and
cradles her teacup as she says, "+ou-&e gro"n' I *no" I-m short, but you positi&ely
to"er o&er me no"'"
I shrug, unsure ho" to deal "ith this but *no"ing I better get used to it. 0hen you gro"
se&eral inches in a matter of days, people tend to notice. "I guess I-m a late bloomer.
+ou *no", going through a gro"th spurtorsomething," I say, my smile feeling
clumsy on my lips, reali1ing I need to come up "ith a much more con&incing reply, or at
least learn ho" to reply "ith con&iction.
She loo*s me o&er and nods. !ot buying a "ord of it but deciding to 2ust let it go. "So,
ho"-s the shield holding up?"
I s"allo" hard, blin*ing once, t"ice. I "as so focused on my mission I-d forgotten about
the shield she helped me create. ,he one that bloc*ed out all the noise and sound the
last time .amen "ent a"ay. ,he one I dismantled the moment he returned. "3h, um, I
*ind of got rid of it," I say, cringing as the "ords spill from my lips, remembering ho" it
too* the better part of an afternoon 2ust to put it in place. She smiles, ga1ing at me from
o&er the top of her cup. "I-m not surprised. %eing normal-s not all it-s crac*ed up to be,
once you-&e experienced something more." I brea* off a piece of oatmeal coo*ie and
shrug. Ano"ing that if it "ere up to me, I-d choose normal' o&er this any day.
"So, if this isn-t about the shieldthen "hat is it?"
"+ou mean you don-t *no"? 0hat *ind of psychic are you?" I laugh, far too loud for such
a dumb, feeble 2o*e.
%ut (&a 2ust shrugs, tracing a hea&ily ringed finger along the rim of her cup as she says,
"0ell, I-m no ad&anced mind reader li*e you. ,hough I do sense something rather
serious in the "or*s."
"It-s about .amen," I start, pausing to press do"n on my lips. "He-she-s changed. He-s
become cold, distant, cruel e&en, and I" I drop my ga1e, the truth behind the "ords
ma*ing them so much harder to say.
"He "on-t return my calls, "on-t tal* to me at school, he e&en mo&ed his seat in )nglish,
and no" hehe9s dating this girl "ho"ell, she-s 2ust a"ful. I mean, really, truly a"ful.
(nd no" he-s a"ful too"
")&er" she starts, her &oice "arm and gentle, her eyes *ind.
"It-s not "hat you thin*," I tell her. "It-s not that at all. .amen and I didn-t brea* up, "e
"eren-t ha&ing problems, it "as nothing li*e that. It-s li*e, one day e&erything "as great
and the next not."
"(nd did something happen to precipitate this change?" Her face is thoughtful, her eyes
on mine. +eah, 5oman happened. %ut since I can-t explain my suspicions, that he-s an
immortal rogue 6despite all e&idence to the contrary7, employing some sort of mass
mind control or hypnosis or spell casting 6"hich I-m not e&en sure is possible7 o&er the
entire %ay =ie" student body, I 2ust tell her about .amen-s recent bout of odd beha&ior
the headaches, the s"eating, and a fe" other safe8to8tal*8about non8secret things.
,hen I sit there, holding my breath as she sips her tea and loo*s out the "indo" at the
beautiful garden beyond, her ga1e returning to me "hen she says, ",ell me e&erything
you *no" about Summerland." I stare at the t"o hal&es of my uneaten coo*ie and
clamp my lips shut, ne&er ha&ing heard the "ord mentioned so openly and casually li*e
that. I-d al"ays thought of it as .amen-s and my sacred space, ne&er reali1ing that mere
mortals might *no" of it too. "Certainly you-&e &isited?" She sets do"n her cup and
raises her bro". ".uring your near8death experience perhaps?"
I nod, remembering both of my &isits, the first time "hen I "as dead, the second "ith
.amen. (nd I "as so ta*en "ith that magical, mystical dimension "ith its &ast fragrant
fields and pulsating treesI "as reluctant to lea&e.
"(nd did you &isit its temples "hile you "ere there?" ,emples? I didn-t see any temples.
)lephants, beaches, and horsesthings "e both manifested, but certainly no buildings
or d"ellings of any *ind. "Summerland is legendary for its temples, or reat Halls of
<earning as they-re called. I-m thin*ing your ans"er lies there."
"%utbut I-m not e&en sure ho" to get there "ithout .amen. I mean, short of dying and
all ..." I loo* at her. "Ho" do you e&en *no" about it? Ha&e you been there?"
She sha*es her head. -I-&e been trying to access it for years. (nd though I-&e come
close a fe" times, I-&e ne&er been able to get through the portal. %ut maybe if "e merge
our energy together, pool our resources so to spea*, "e 2ust might get through.-"
"It-s impossible," I say, remembering the last time I tried to access it that "ay. (nd e&en
though .amen "as already sho"ing signs of distress, he-s still "ay more ad&anced
than (&a on her &ery best day. "It9s not that easy. )&en if "e do pool our energy, it-s still
a lot more difficult than you thin*."
%ut she 2ust sha*es her head and smiles, rising from her seat as she says, "%ut "e-ll
ne&er *no" until "e try, right?"
Chapter Twenty-Three
I follo" her do"n a short hall"ay. My flip8flops snapping against a red "o&en rug as I
thin*: ,his-ll ne&er "or*.
I mean, if I couldn-t access the portal "ith .amen, ho" can I possibly access it "ith
(&a? %ecause e&en though she seems to be a pretty gifted psychic, her s*ills are
mostly sa&ed for the party circuit, telling fortunes o&er a fold8up card table, embellishing
them in hopes of a generous tip.
"It-ll ne&er "or* if you don-t belie&e," she says, pausing before an indigo door. "+ou need
to ha&e faith in the process. (nd so, before "e enter, I need you to clear your mind of all
negati&ity. I need you to rid yourself of any sad or unhappy thoughts, or anything else
that-s dragging you do"n and ser&es the "ord can-t."
I ta*e a deep breath and stare at the door, fighting the urge to roll my eyes as I thin*:
reat. I should-&e *no"n. ,his is 2ust the sort of ho*ey stuff you9re forced to tolerate
"hen you-re dealing "ith (&a.
%ut all I say is, ".on-t "orry about me, I-m good."
!odding in a "ay I hope is con&incing, "anting to a&oid her usual t"enty8step
meditation, or "hate&er "oo8"oo practice she might ha&e in mind.
%ut (&a 2ust stands there, hands on hips, eyes on mine. 5efusing to let me in until I
agree to lighten my emotional load.
So "hen she says, "Close your eyes," I do. %ut only to speed things along.
"!o" I "ant you to imagine long spindly roots sprouting from the soles of your feet and
del&ing deep into the earth, car&ing into the soil and stretching their limits. .igging
deeper and deeper into the ground until they-&e reached the earth-s core and can9t go
any farther. ot it?"
I nod, picturing "hat she as*s, but only so "e can get this sho" on the road and not
because I belie&e in it.
"!o" ta*e a deep breath, ta*e se&eral deep breaths, and let your "hole body relax.
#eel your muscles loosening, "hile your tension fades a"ay. (llo"ing any lingering
negati&e thoughts or emotions to disappear. 4ust banish them from your energy field
and tell them good riddance. Can you do that?" ;m, "hate&er, I thin*. 4ust going
through the motions and feeling pretty surprised "hen my muscles really do start to
relax. (nd I mean, really relax. <i*e I-m at peace after a long hard battle. I guess I "asn-t
a"are of 2ust ho" tense I-&e been or ho" much negati&ity I "as lugging around until (&a
made me release it. (nd e&en though I-m "illing to do 2ust about anything to get into that
room and closer to Summerland, I ha&e to admit that some of this mumbo82umbo stuff
might really "or*. "!o" dra" your attention up until you-re focused on the cro"n of your
head, the area right at the top. (nd imagine a solid beam of the purest golden "hite light
penetrating that &ery spot and easing its "ay all do"n your nec*, your limbs, your torso,
all the "ay do"n to your feet. #eel that "arm, "onderful light healing e&ery part of you,
coating e&ery last cell both inside and out, allo"ing any lingering sadness or anger to be
transformed into lo&ing energy by this po"erful healing force. #eel the light surging
inside you li*e a steady beam of lightness, lo&e, and forgi&eness "ith no beginning or
end. (nd "hen you start to feel lighter, "hen you start to feel yourself purified and
cleansed, open your eyes and loo* at me, but only "hen you9re ready."
So I do, I go through the "hole "hite light ritual, determined to participate and at least
pretend to ta*e these steps seriously since it-s important to (&a. (nd 2ust as I imagine a
golden beam coursing through my body, coating my cells and all that, I also try to
calculate 2ust ho" long I should delay opening my eyes so it "on-t loo* too fa*e.
%ut then, something odd happens. I find myself feeling lighter, happier, stronger, and
despite the desperate state I arri&ed infulfilled.
(nd "hen I do open my eyes, I see that she-s smiling at me, her entire body surrounded
by the most beautiful &iolet aura I-&e e&er seen.
She opens the door and I follo" her inside, blin*ing and s/uinting as I ad2ust to the deep
purple "alls of this small spare room that, from the loo*s of it, seems to double as a
shrine.
"Is this "here you gi&e your readings?" I as*, ta*ing in the large collection of crystals
and candles and iconic symbols that co&er the "alls. 0atching as she sha*es her head
and settles onto an elaborate embroidered floor cushion, patting the one right beside
her and motioning for me to sit too.
"Most of the people "ho sho" up here are occupying a dar* emotional space, and I
can-t ris* letting them in. I-&e "or*ed &ery hard to *eep the energy in this room pure,
clean, and free of all dar*ness, and I don-t allo" anyone to enter until their energy is
cleared, including me. ,hat cleansing exercise I 2ust put you through, I do it first thing
e&ery morning, 2ust after I "a*e, and then again before entering this room. (nd I
recommend you do it too. %ecause e&en though I *no" you thought it "as nonsense, I
also *no" you-re surprised by ho" much better you feel." I press my lips together and
a&ert my ga1e. Ano"ing she doesn-t ha&e to read my mind to *no" "hat I-m thin*ing.
My face al"ays betrays meit-s incapable of lying.
"I get the "hole healing light thing," I say, ga1ing at the bamboo blinds co&ering the
"indo" and the shelf lined "ith stone statues of deities from all o&er the globe. "(nd I
ha&e to admit that it did ma*e me feel better. %ut "hat "as that root thing all about? It
seemed *ind of "eird."
",hat-s called grounding." She smiles. "0hen you came to my door, your energy felt
&ery scattered and this helps to contain it. I suggest you perform that exercise daily as
"ell."
"%ut "on-t it *eep us from reaching Summerland? +ou *no", by grounding us here?"
She laughs. "!o, if anything, it-ll help you stay focused on "here you really "ant to go."
I ga1e around the room, noticing ho" it-s so crammed "ith stuff, it-s hard to ta*e it all in.
"So is this li*e your sacred space?" I finally say.
She smiles, her fingers pic*ing at a loose thread on her cushion. "It-s the place "here I
come to "orship and meditate and try to reach the dimensions beyond. (nd I ha&e a
&ery strong hunch that this time, I-ll get there."
She folds her legs into the lotus position and motions for me to do so as "ell. (nd at first
I can-t help but thin* that my ne" long and gangly legs "ill ne&er bend and ent"ine li*e
hers. %ut a moment later I-m shoc*ed by the "ay they 2ust slip right into place, folding
around each other in a "ay that-s so natural and comfortable "ithout the least bit of
resistance. "5eady?" she as*s, her bro"n eyes on mine. I shrug, ga1ing at the soles of
my feet, ama1ed to see them so &isible as they rest on top of my *nees, "ondering
"hat *ind of ritual she-ll put us through next.
"ood. %ecause no" it-s your turn to lead." She laughs. "I-&e ne&er been there before.
So I-m counting on you to sho" us the "ay."
Chapter Twenty-Four
I had no idea it "ould be so easy. .idn-t belie&e "e9d be able to get there. %ut 2ust after I
lead us through the ritual of closing our eyes and imagining a brilliant portal of
shimmering light, "e 2oined hands and toppled right through, landing side by side on
that strange buoyant grass.
(&a loo*s at me, her eyes "ide, her mouth open, but unable to form any "ords.
I 2ust nod and ga1e all around, *no"ing 2ust ho" she feels. %ecause e&en though I-&e
been here before, that doesn9t ma*e it any less surreal.
"Hey, (&a," I say, rising to my feet and brushing the seat of my 2eans, eager to play tour
guide and sho" her 2ust ho" magical this place can be. "Imagine something. (nything.
<i*e an ob2ect, an animal, or e&en a person. 4ust close your eyes and see it as clear as
you can and then ..."
I "atch as she closes her eyes, my excitement building as her bro"s merge together
and she focuses on her ob2ect of choice.
(nd "hen she opens her eyes again, she clasps her hands to her chest and stares
straight ahead, crying, "3h' 3h, it can-t bebut loo*it loo*s 2ust li*e him and he-s so
real'"
She *neels on the grass, clapping her hands together and laughing "ith glee as a
beautiful golden retrie&er leaps into her arms and smothers her chee*s "ith "et sloppy
lic*s. Hugging him tightly to her chest, murmuring his name again and again, and I *no"
it9s my duty to "arn her he-s not the real deal.
"(&a, um, I-m sorry but I-m afraid he "on-t" but before I can finish, the dog slips from
her grasp, fading li*e a pattern of &ibrating pixels that soon &anish completely. (nd
"hen I see the de&astation on her face, my stomach sin*s, feeling guilty for initiating
this game. --I should-&e explained," I say, "ishing I hadn9t been so impulsi&e. "I-m so
sorry."
%ut she 2ust nods, blin*ing bac* tears as she brushes the grass from her *nees. "It-s
o*ay. 5eally. I *ne" it "as too good to be true, but 2ust to see him li*e that again, 2ust to
ha&e that moment" She shrugs. "0ell, e&en if it "asn-t real, I don-t regret it for a
second. So don-t you regret it either, o*ay?" She grasps my hand and s/uee1es it tight.
"I-&e missed him so much, and 2ust to ha&e him for those fe" brief seconds "as li*e a
rare and precious gift. ( gift I got to experience than*s to you."
I nod, s"allo"ing hard, hoping she means it. (nd e&en though "e could spend the next
se&eral hours manifesting e&erything our hearts desire, the truth is, my heart desires
only one thing. %esides, after "itnessing (&a-s reunion "ith her belo&ed pet, the
pleasure of material goods no longer seems "orth it. "So this is Summerland," she
says, ga1ing all around. ",his is it." I nod. "%ut all I-&e e&er seen of it is this field, that
stream, and a fe" other things that didn-t exist until I manifested them here. 3h, and see
that bridge? 0ay o&er there, off in the distance, "here the fog settles in?"
She turns, nodding "hen she sees it. ".on-t go near it. It leads to the other side. ,hat-s
the bridge 5iley told you about, the one I finally con&inced her to crossafter a little
coaxing from you."
(&a stares at it, her eyes narro"ed as she says, "I "onder "hat happens if you try to go
across? +ou *no", "ithout dying, "ithout that *ind of in&ite?" %ut I 2ust shrug, not ha&ing
nearly enough curiosity to e&er try and find out. "I "ouldn-t recommend it," I say, seeing
the loo* in her eyes and reali1ing she-s actually "eighing her options, "ondering if she
should try to cross it, out of sheer curiosity if nothing else. "+ou might not come bac*," I
add, trying to relay the potential seriousness since she doesn-t seem to get it. %ut I
guess Summerland has that effectit-s so beautiful and magical it tempts you to ta*e
chances you normally "ouldn-t.
She loo*s at me, still not fully con&inced but too eager to see more than to 2ust sit
around here. So she lin*s her arm through mine, and says, "0here do "e begin?"
Since neither of us has any idea 2ust "here to begin"e begin by "al*ing. Heading
through the meado" of dancing flo"ers, ma*ing our "ay through the forest of pulsating
trees, crossing the rainbo"8colored stream filled "ith all manner of fish, until finding a
trail that, after cur&ing and "inding and meandering fore&er, leads us to a long empty
road. %ut not a yello" bric* road or one pa&ed "ith gold. ,his is 2ust a regular street,
made of e&eryday asphalt, li*e the *ind you see at home.
,hough I ha&e to admit that it-s better than the streets at home because this one is
clean and pristine, "ith no potholes or s*id mar*s. In fact, e&erything around here
appears so shiny and ne" you-d thin* it-d ne&er been used, "hen the truth isor at
least the truth according to (&aSummerland is older than time. "So "hat exactly do
you *no" about these temples, or reat Halls of <earning as you call them?" I as*,
ga1ing up at an impressi&e "hite marble building "ith all sorts of angels and mythical
creatures car&ed into its columns and "ondering if it could be the place that "e see*. I
mean, it loo*s fancy yet serious, impressi&e but not exactly formidable, e&erything I
imagine a hall of higher learning to be. %ut (&a 2ust shrugs as though she-s no longer
interested. 0hich is a tad more noncommittal than I9d li*e.
She "as so sure the ans"er lay here, "as so insistent on binding our energy and
tra&eling together, but no" that "e-&e made it, she-s a little too enamored "ith the po"er
of instant manifestation to concentrate on anything else.
"I 2ust *no" they exist," she says, her hands held out before her, turning them this "ay
and that. "I-&e come across their mention many times in my studies."
(nd yet, all you seem to be studying no" are those large 4e"el8encrusted rings you-&e
manifested onto your fingers' I thin*, not stating the actual "ords but *no"ing that if
she-s interested enough to loo*, she9ll see the annoyance stamped on my face.
%ut she 2ust smiles as she manifests an armful of bangles to match her ne" rings. (nd
"hen she starts ga1ing do"n at her feet, in pursuit of ne" shoes, I *no" it-s time to rein
her bac* in.
"So "hat should "e do "hen "e get there?" I as*, determined to get her to focus on the
true reason "e9re here. I mean, I did my part, so the least she could do is reciprocate
and help me find the "ay. "(nd "hat do "e research once "e find it? Sudden
headaches? )xtreme bouts of uncontrollable s"eatiness? !ot to mention, "ill they e&en
let us in?" I turn, fully expecting a lecture on my persistent negati&ity, my rampant
pessimism that &anishes for a "hile but ne&er fully subsidesonly to find that she-s no
longer there.
(nd I mean, she-s completely, unmista*ably, one hundred percent not present'
"(&a'" I call, turning around and around, s/uinting into the shimmering mist, the eternal
radiance that emanates from no"here specific but manages to permeate e&erything
here. "(&a, "here are you?" I shout, running do"n the middle of the long, empty road,
stopping to peer into "indo"s and door"ays, and "ondering "hy there are so many
stores and restaurants and art galleries and salons "hen there-s no one around to use
them. "+ou "on-t find her."
I turn, seeing a petite dar*8haired girl standing behind me. Her stic*8straight hair
hanging to her shoulders, and her nearly blac* eyes framed by bangs so se&ere they
seem slashed "ith a ra1or.
"$eople get lost here. Happens all the time."
"0ho"ho are you?" I say, ta*ing in her starched "hite blouse, plaid s*irt, blue bla1er,
and *nee soc*s, the outfit of your typical pri&ate school girl, but *no"ing this is no
ordinary studentnot if she-s here.
"I-m 5omy," she says. )xcept that her lips didn9t mo&e. (nd the &oice that I heard came
from behind me.
(nd "hen I spin around, I find the same exact girl laughing as she says, "(nd she-s
5ayne."
I turn again, seeing 5ayne still behind me as 5omy comes around to 2oin her. ,"o
identical girls standing before me, e&erything about themtheir hair, their clothes, their
faces, their eyesexactly the same.
)xcept for the *nee soc*s. 5omy-s ha&e fallen, "hile 5ayne9s are pulled tight.
"0elcome to Summerland." 5omy smiles, as 5ayne loo*s me o&er "ith suspicious
narro"ed eyes. "0e9re sorry about your friend." She nudges her t"in, and "hen she
doesn-t respond, she says, "+es, e&en 5ayne is sorry. She 2ust "on-t admit it."
".o you *no" "here I can find her?" I as*, ga1ing bet"een them and "ondering "here
they could9&e come from.
5omy shrugs. "She doesn-t "ant to be found. So "e found you instead."
"0hat-re you tal*ing about? (nd "here did you e&en come from?" I as*, ne&er ha&ing
seen another person on my pre&ious &isits here.
",hat-s only because you didn-t "ant to see another person," 5omy says, ans"ering the
thought in my head. "+ou didn-t desire it until no"."
I loo* at her, my face blan*, my mind spinning "ith the reali1ation she can read my
thoughts?
",houghts are energy." She shrugs. "(nd Summerland consists of rapid, intense,
magnified energy. So intense you can read it."
(nd the moment she says it, I remember my &isit "ith .amen, and ho" "e "ere able to
communicate telepathically. %ut at the time, I thought it "as 2ust us.
"%ut if that-s true, then "hy "asn-t I able to read (&a-s mind? (nd ho" "as she able to
2ust disappear li*e that?"
5ayne rolls her eyes, "hile 5omy leans for"ard, her &oice soft and lo" as though
spea*ing to a small child e&en though they appear younger than I. "%ecause you ha&e
to desire it in order for it to be." ,hen, seeing the blan* loo* on my face, she explains,
"0ithin Summerland exists the possibility for e&erything. #or all things. %ut you must
first desire it to bring it into existence. 3ther"ise it remains only a possibilityone of
many possibilitiesunmanifested and incomplete."
I ga1e at her, trying to ma*e sense of her "ords. ",he reason you didn-t see people
before is because you didn-t "ant to. %ut no", loo* around and tell me "hat you see."
(nd "hen I loo* around, I see that she-s right. ,he shops and restaurants are no" filled
"ith people, a ne" art installation is being hung in the gallery, and a cro"d gathers on
the museum steps. (nd as I focus on their energy and thoughts, I reali1e 2ust ho"
di&erse this place really is, e&ery nationality and religion is present and accounted for,
"ith e&eryone coexisting in peace.
0o", I thin*, my eyes darting e&ery"here, trying to ta*e it all in.
5omy nods. "(nd so the moment you desired to find your "ay to the temples, "e
sho"ed up to help you. 0hile (&a faded a"ay."
"So I made her disappear?" I as*, beginning to grasp the truth of all this.
5omy laughs, "hile 5ayne sha*es her head and rolls her eyes, loo*ing at me li*e I-m
the densest person she-s e&er met. "Hardly."
"So all of these people" I motion to"ard the cro"d. "(re all of them dead?" I direct
my /uestion at 5omy, ha&ing gi&en up on 5ayne. 0atching as she leans in and
"hispers into her sister-s ear, causing 5omy to pull a"ay and say, "My sister says you
as* too many /uestions." 5ayne sco"ls, popping her hard on the arm "ith her fist, but
5omy 2ust laughs.
(nd as I ga1e at the t"o of them, ta*ing in 5ayne-s steady glare and 5omy-s insistence
on spea*ing in riddles, I reali1e that as entertaining as it-s been, they-re starting to get
on my ner&es. I-&e got things to do, temples to find, and engaging in this *ind of
confusing banter is turning into a big "aste of time. 5emembering too late that they both
can read my thoughts "hen 5omy nods and says, "(s you "ish. 0e-ll sho" you the
"ay."
Chapter Twenty-Five
,hey lead me do"n a series of streets, the t"o of them marching side by side, their
stride so measured and /uic* I struggle to follo". 0e pass &endors peddling all types of
"arese&erything from hand8dipped candles to small "ooden toystheir patrons lining
up for those carefully "rapped goods and offering only a *ind "ord or smile in
exchange. 0e "al* alongside fruit stands, candy stores, and a fe" trendy bouti/ues,
before pausing on a corner as a horse8dra"n carriage crosses our path follo"ed by a
chauffeur8dri&en 5olls85oyce.
(nd 2ust as I-m about to as* ho" all of these things can exist in one place, ho"
seemingly ancient buildings can sit beside the slee*est, most modern designs, 5omy
loo*s at me and says, "I already told you. Summerland contains the possibility of all
things . (nd since different people desire different things, most e&erything you can thin*
of has been brought into existence."
"So all of this "as manifested?" I say, ga1ing around in a"e, as 5omy nods and 5ayne
storms straight ahead. "%ut "ho-s manifesting these things? (re they day8trippers li*e
me? (re they li&ing or dead?" I glance bet"een 5omy and 5ayne, *no"ing my /uestion
applies to them too, because e&en though they appear to be normal on the outside,
there9s something &ery strange about them, something almosteerieand timeless as
"ell.
(nd 2ust as my ga1e settles on 5omy, 5ayne decides to address me for the first time
today, saying, "+ou desired to find the temples and so "e are helping you. %ut ma*e no
mista*e, "e are under no obligation to ans"er your /uestions. Some things in
Summerland are 2ust none of your business."
I s"allo" hard, loo*ing at 5omy and "ondering if she9ll step in and apologi1e for her
sister, but she 2ust leads us do"n another "ell8populated street, into an empty alley"ay,
and onto a /uiet boule&ard "here she stops before a magnificent building.
",ell me "hat you see," she says, as both she and her sister peer closely at me.
I ga"* at the glorious building before me, my eyes "ide as my mouth drops in a"e,
ta*ing in its beautiful elaborate car&ings, its grand sloping roof, its imposing columns, its
impressi&e front doorsall of its &ast and &aried parts rapidly changing and shifting,
con2uring images of the $arthenon, the ,a2 Mahal, the great pyramids of i1a, the <otus
,emple, my mind reeling "ith imagery as the building reshapes and reforms, until all of
the "orld-s greatest temples and "onders are clearly represented in its e&er8changing
facade.
I see I see e&erything' I thin*, unable to utter the "ords. ,he a"esome beauty before
me has rendered me speechless.
I turn to 5omy, "ondering if she sees "hat I see, and "atching as she pops 5ayne hard
on the arm "hen she says, "I told you'"
",he temple is constructed from the energy, lo&e, and *no"ledge of all good things."
She smiles. ",hose "ho can see that are permitted to enter."
,he second I hear that, I sprint up the grand marble steps, eager to get past this
glorious facade and see "hat9s inside. %ut 2ust as I reach the huge double doors, I turn
bac* to say, "(re you coming?"
5ayne 2ust stares, her eyes narro"ed, suspicious, "ishing they-d ne&er bothered "ith
me. 0hile 5omy sha*es her head and says, "+our ans"ers lie inside. +ou-re no longer
in need of us no"."
"%ut "here do I start?"
5omy peers at her sister, a pri&ate exchange passing bet"een them. ,hen she turns to
me and says, "+ou must see* the a*ashic records. ,hey are a permanent record of
e&erything that has e&er been said, thought, or doneor e&er "ill be said, thought, or
done. %ut you "ill only find them if you are meant to. If not--
She shrugs, "ishing to lea&e it right there, but the loo* of sheer panic in my eyes dri&es
her to continue. "If you are not meant to *no", then you "ill not *no". It-s as simple as
that."
I stand there, thin*ing ho" that "asn-t the least bit reassuring, and feeling almost
relie&ed "hen they both turn to lea&e.
"(nd no" "e must go, Miss )&er %loom," she says, using my full name e&en though I-m
sure I ne&er re&ealed it. ",hough I-m sure "e-ll meet again."
I "atch as they mo&e a"ay, remembering one last /uestion "hen I call, "%ut ho" do I
get bac*? +ou *no", once I-m done here?"
0atching as 5ayne-s bac* stiffens and 5omy turns, a patient smile spread across her
face as she says, ",he same "ay you arri&ed. ,hrough the portal, of course."
Chapter Twenty-Six
,he moment I turn to"ard the door it opens before me. (nd since it-s not one of those
automatic doors li*e the *ind they ha&e in supermar*ets, I-m guessing it means I-m
"orthy of entering. I step into a large spacious entry filled "ith the most brilliant "arm
lighta luminous sho"ering radiance that, li*e the rest of Summerland, permeates
e&ery noo* and cranny, e&ery corner, e&ery space, allo"ing no shado"s or dar* spots,
and doesn-t seem to emanate from any one place. ,hen I mo&e along a hall flan*ed on
either side by a ro" of "hite marble columns car&ed in the style of ancient reece,
"here robe8"earing mon*s sit at long car&ed "ooden tables, alongside priests, rabbis,
shamans, and all manner of see*ers.
(ll of them peering at large crystal globes and le&itating tabletseach of them studying
the images that unfold. I pause, "ondering if it "ould be rude to interrupt and as* if they
can point me in the direction of the a*ashic records. %ut the room is so /uiet and they-re
all so engrossed, I-m reluctant to disturb them, so I *eep going instead. $assing a series
of magnificent statues car&ed from the purest "hite marble, until entering a large ornate
room that reminds me of the great cathedrals of Italy 6or at least the pictures I-&e seen7.
%earing the same sort of domed ceilings, stained8glass "indo"s, and elaborate
frescoes containing the *ind of glorious images that "ould ma*e Michelangelo "eep.
I stand in the center, my head thro"n bac* in a"e as I struggle to ta*e it all in. ,"irling
around and around until I gro" tired and di11y, reali1ing it-s impossible to glimpse it all in
one sitting. (nd *no"ing I-&e "asted enough time already, I shut my eyes tightly and
follo" 5omy-s ad&icethat I must first desire something in order for it to be. (nd 2ust
after as*ing to be led to the ans"ers I see*, I open my eyes and a long hall"ay
appears.
Its light is dimmer than "hat I-&e gro"n used to seeingit-s sort of glo"y, incandescent.
(nd e&en though I-&e no idea "here it leads, I start "al*ing. #ollo"ing the beautiful
$ersian runner that seems to go on fore&er, running my hands along a "all co&ered in
hieroglyphs, my fingertips gra1ing the images as their li*eness appears in my headthe
entire story unfolding merely by touch, li*e some sort of telepathic %raille.
,hen suddenly, "ith no sign or "arning, I-m standing at the entrance to yet another
elaborate room. 3nly this one is elaborate in a different "aynot by car&ings or murals
but by its pure unadulterated simplicity.
Its circular "alls are shiny and slic*, and e&en though they first appear to be merely
"hite, on closer inspection I reali1e there-s nothing mere about it. It-s a true "hite, a
"hite in the purest sense. 3ne that can only result from the blending of all colorsan
entire spectrum of pigments all merging together to create the ultimate color of light
2ust li*e I learned in art class. (nd other than the massi&e cluster of prisms hanging from
the ceiling, containing "hat must amount to thousands of fine8cut crystals, all of them
shimmering and reflecting and resulting in a *aleidoscope of color that no" s"irls
around the room, the only other ob2ect in this space is a lone marble bench that-s
strangely "arm and comfortable, especially for a substance *no"n to be anything but.
(nd after ta*ing a seat and folding my hands in my lap, I "atch as the "alls seamlessly
seal up behind me as though the hall"ay that led me here ne&er existed. %ut I-m not
afraid. )&en though there-s no &isible exit and it appears that I-m trapped in this strange
circular room, I feel safe, peaceful, cared for. (s though the room is cocooning me,
comforting me, its round "alls li*e big strong arms in a "elcoming hug. I ta*e a deep
breath, "ishing for ans"ers to all of my /uestions, and "atching as a large crystal sheet
appears right before me, ho&ering in "hat "as once empty space, "aiting for me to
ma*e the next mo&e. %ut no" that I-m so close to the ans"er, my /uestion has suddenly
changed.
So instead of concentrating on: 0hat-s happened to .amen and ho" do I fix it? I thin*:
Sho" me e&erything I need to *no" about .amen.
,hin*ing this may be my only chance to learn e&erything I can about the elusi&e past he
refuses to discuss. Con&incing myself that I-m not at all prying, that I-m loo*ing for
solutions and that any information I can get "ill only help my cause. %esides, if I-m truly
not "orthy of *no"ing, then nothing "ill be re&ealed. So "hat harm is there in as*ing?
(nd no sooner is the thought complete, than the crystal starts bu11ing. =ibrating "ith
energy as a flood of images fills up its face, the picture so clear it-s li*e H.,=. ,here-s a
small cluttered "or*shop, its "indo"s co&ered by a s"ath of hea&y dar* cotton, its "alls
lit up by a profusion of candles. (nd .amen is there, no older than three, "earing a
plain bro"n tunic that hangs "ell past his *nees, and sitting at a table littered "ith small
bubbling flas*s, a pile of roc*s, tins filled "ith colorful po"ders, mortars and pestles,
mounds of herbs, and &ials of dye. 0atching as his father dips his /uill into a small pot
of in* and records the day-s "or* in a series of complicated symbols, pausing e&ery so
often to read from a boo* titled: #icino-s Corpus Hermeticism, as .amen copies him,
scribbling onto his o"n scrap of paper.
(nd he loo*s so adorable, so round8chee*ed and cherubic, "ith the "ay his bro"n hair
flops o&er those unmista*able dar* eyes and curls do"n the nape of his soft baby nec*,
I can-t help but reach to"ard him. It all loo*s so real, so accessible, and so close, I-m
fully con&inced that if I can only ma*e contact, I can experience his "orld right beside
him. %ut 2ust as my finger dra"s near, the crystal heats up to an unbearable degree and
I yan* my hand bac*, "atching my s*in briefly bubble and burn before healing again.
Ano"ing the boundaries are no" set, that I-m allo"ed to obser&e but not interfere. ,he
image fast8for"ards to .amen-s tenth birthday, a day deemed so special it-s mar*ed by
treats and s"eets and a late8afternoon &isit to his father-s "or*shop. ,he t"o of them
sharing more than "a&y dar* hair, smooth oli&e s*in, and a nicely s/uared 2a", but also
a passion for perfecting the alchemical bre" that promises not only to turn lead into gold
but also to prolong life for an indefinite timethe perfect philosopher-s stone.
,hey settle into their "or*, their established routine, "ith .amen grinding indi&idual
herbs "ith the mortar and pestle, before carefully measuring the salts, oils, colored
li/uids, and ores, "hich his father then adds to the bubbling flas*s. $ausing before each
step to announce "hat he-s doing, and lecturing his son on their tas*:
",ransmutation is "hat "e are after. Changing from sic*ness to health, from old age to
youth, from lead to gold, and /uite possibly, immortality too. )&erything is born of one
fundamental element, and if "e can reduce it to its core, then "e can create anything
from there'"
.amen listens, rapt, hanging on to his father-s e&ery "ord e&en though he-s heard the
exact same speech many times before. (nd though they spea* in Italian, a language
I-&e ne&er studied, someho" I understand e&ery "ord.
He names each ingredient before adding it in, then deciding, 2ust for today, to "ithhold
the last one. Con&inced that this final component, this odd8loo*ing herb, "ill create e&en
more magic if added to an elixir that9s sat for three days.
(fter pouring the opalescent red bre" into a smaller glass flas*, .amen co&ers it
carefully, then places it into a "ell8hidden cupboard. (nd they-&e 2ust finished cleaning
the last of their mess, "hen his mothera creamy8s*inned beauty in a plain "atered8
sil* dress, her golden hair crimped at the sides and confined by a small cap at the bac*
stops by to call them to lunch. (nd her lo&e is so apparent, so tremendously clear,
illustrated in the smile she reser&es for her husband, and the loo* she gi&es .amen,
their dar* soulful eyes a perfect mirror of each other.
(nd 2ust as they-re preparing to head home for lunch, three s"arthy men storm through
the door. 3&erpo"ering .amen-s father and demanding the elixir, as his mother thrusts
her son into the cupboard "here it-s stored"arning him to stay put, to not ma*e a
sound, until it-s safe to come out. He co"ers in that dar*, dan* space, peering through a
small *not in the "ood. 0atching as his father-s "or*shophis life-s "or*is destroyed
by the men in their search. %ut e&en though his father turns o&er his notes, it-s not
enough to sa&e them. (nd .amen trembles, "atching helplessly, as both of his parents
are murdered.
I sit on the "hite marble bench, my mind reeling, my stomach churning, feeling
e&erything .amen feels, his s"irling emotions, his deepest despairmy &ision blurred
by his tears, my breath hot, 2agged, indistinguishable from his. 0e are one no". ,he t"o
of us 2oined in unimaginable grief.
%oth of us *no"ing the same *ind of loss.
%oth of us belie&ing "e "ere someho" at fault.
He "ashes their "ounds and cares for their bodies, con&inced that "hen three days
ha&e passed, he can add the final ingredient, that odd8loo*ing herb, and bring them
both bac*. 3nly to be a"a*ened on that third and final day by a group of neighbors
alerted by the smell, finding him curled up beside the bodies, the bottle of elixir clutched
in his hand.
He struggles against them, retrie&ing the herb and desperately sho&ing it in. .etermined
to get it to his parents, to ma*e them both drin*, but o&erpo"ered by his neighbors long
before he can.
%ecause they-re con&inced that he-s practicing some sort of sorcery, he-s declared a
"ard of the church, "here de&astated by loss and pulled from e&erything he *no"s and
lo&es, he-s abused by priests determined to rid him of the de&il inside.
He suffers in silence, suffers for yearsuntil .rina arri&es. (nd .amen, no" a strong
and handsome man of fourteen, is transfixed by the sight of her flaming red hair, her
emerald green eyes, her alabaster s*inher beauty so startling it-s hard not to stare. I
"atch them together, barely able to breathe as they form a bond so caring, so
protecti&e, I regret e&er as*ing to see this. I "as brash, impulsi&e, and rec*lessI didn-t
ta*e the time to thin* it all through. %ecause e&en though she-s no" dead and is no
threat to me, "atching him fall under her spell is more than I can bear.
He tends to the "ounds she suffered at the hands of the priests, handling her "ith great
re&erence and care, denying his undeniable attraction, determined only to protect her,
sa&e her, to aid her escapethe day arri&ing much sooner than expected "hen the
plague s"eeps through #lorencethe dreaded %lac* .eath that *illed millions of
people, rendering them all into a bloated, pus8ridden, suffering mess. He "atches
helplessly as many of his fello" orphans gro" ill and die, but it-s not until .rina is
stric*en that he returns to his father-s life-s "or*. 5e8creating the elixir he-d s"orn off all
these yearsassociating it "ith the loss of e&erything he held dear. %ut no", left "ith no
other choice, and un"illing to lose her, he ma*es .rina drin*. Sparing enough for
himself and the remaining orphans, hoping only to shield them from disease, ha&ing no
idea it "ould grant immortality too.
Infused "ith a po"er they can-t understand and immune to the agoni1ed cries of the
sic* and dying priests, the orphans disband. Heading bac* to the streets of #lorence
"here they loot from the dead, "hile .amen, "ith .rina by his side, is intent on only
one thing: see*ing re&enge on the trio of men "ho murdered his parents, ultimately
trac*ing them do"n only to find that "ithout the aid of the final ingredient, they-&e
succumbed to the plague.
He "aits for their death, taunting them "ith the promise of a cure he ne&er intends to
fulfill. Surprised by the hollo"ness of the &ictory "hen their bodies finally do yield, he
turns to .rina, loo*ing for comfort in her lo&ing embrace...
I shut my eyes, determined to bloc* it all out but *no"ing it-s burned there fore&er, no
matter ho" hard I try. %ecause "hile *no"ing they "ere lo&ers off and on for nearly six
hundred years is one flung, Ha&ing to "atch it unfoldis another.
(nd e&en though I hate to admit it, I can-t help but notice ho" the old .amen "ith his
cruelty, greed, and abundance of &anityhas an a"ful lot in common "ith the ne"
.amenthe one "ho ditched me for Stacia.
(nd after "atching o&er a century of the t"o of them bonded by a ne&er8ending supply
of lust and greed, I-m no longer interested in getting to the part "here "e meet. !o
longer interested in seeing the pre&ious &ersions of me. If it means ha&ing to &ie"
another hundred years of this, then it 2ust isn-t "orth it.
(nd 2ust as I close my eyes and plead 4ust get me to the end' $lease' I can-t stand to
see another moment of this'the crystal flic*ers and flares as a blur of images race
past, fast8for"arding "ith such speed and intensity I can barely distinguish one image
from the next. etting only the briefest Hash of .amen, .rina, and me in my many
incarnationsa brunette, a redhead, a blondeall of it "hirling right past methe face
and body unrecogni1able, though the eyes are al"ays familiar.
)&en "hen I change my mind and as* for it to slo" do"n, the images continue to "hir.
Culminating in a picture of 5omanhis lips curled bac*, his eyes filled "ith gleeas he
ga1es upon a &ery aged, &ery dead .amen. (nd then (nd thennothing. ,he crystal
goes blan*.
"!o'" I shout, my &oice bouncing off the "alls of the tall empty room and echoing right
bac* at me. "$lease'" I beg. "Come bac*' I-ll do better. 5eally' I promise not to get
2ealous or upset. I-ll "atch the "hole entire thing if you-ll only 2ust re"ind'"
%ut no matter ho" much I beg, no matter ho" much I plead to &ie" it again, the crystal
is gone, &anished from sight.
I ga1e all around, searching for someone to help, some sort of a*ashic record reference
librarian, e&en though I-m the only one here. .ropping my head in my hands, "ondering
ho" I could-&e been so stupid as to allo" my petty 2ealousies and insecurities to ta*e
o&er again.
I mean, it-s not li*e I didn-t *no" about .rina and .amen. It-s not li*e I didn-t *no" "hat I
"as going to see. (nd no", since I "as too big of a "uss to 2ust suc* it up and deal "ith
the info before me, I-&e no idea ho" to sa&e him. !o idea of ho" "e possibly could-&e
gone from such a "onderful ( to such a horrible H. (ll I *no" is that 5oman-s
responsible. ( pathetic confirmation of "hat I already guessed. Someho" he-s
"ea*ening .amen, re&ersing his immortality. (nd if I-&e any hope of sa&ing him, I need
to learn ho" if not "hy.
%ecause one thing I *no" for sure is that .amen does not age. He-s been around for
o&er six hundred years and still loo*s li*e a teen.
I drop my head in my hands, hating myself for being so petty, so small, so foolishso
heinously pathetic, that I robbed myself of the ans"ers I came here to *no". 0ishing I
could re"ind this "hole session and start o&er"ishing I could go bac*
"+ou can-t go bac*."
I turn, hearing 5omy-s &oice snea* up from behind me, and "ondering ho" she found
her "ay into this room. %ut "hen I loo* around, I reali1e I-m no longer in that beautiful
circular space, I-m bac* in the hall. ( fe" tables a"ay from "here the mon*s, priests,
shamans, and rabbis once "ere.
"(nd you should ne&er fast8for"ard into the future. %ecause e&ery time you do, you rob
yourself of the 2ourney, the present moment, "hich, in the end, is all there really is."
I turn, "ondering if she-s referring to my crystal tablet debacle or life in general.
%ut she 2ust smiles. "+ou o*ay?"
I shrug and loo* a"ay. I mean, "hy bother explaining? She probably already *no"s
any"ay.
"!ope." She leans against the table and sha*es her head. "I don-t *no" a thing.
0hate&er happens in here is yours and yours to *eep. I 2ust heard your cry of distress
so I thought I-d chec* in. ,hat-s all. !othing more, nothing less."
"(nd "here-s your e&il t"in?" I as*, ga1ing around, "ondering if she-s hiding
some"here.
%ut 5omy 2ust smiles and motions for me to follo".
"She-s outside, *eeping an eye on your friend."
"(&a-s here?" I as*, surprised by ho" relie&ed that ma*es me feel. )specially
considering ho" I-m still annoyed "ith her for ditching me li*e that.
%ut 5omy 2ust "a&es again, leading me through the front door and out to the steps
"here (&a is "aiting.
"0here-&e you been?" I as*, my /uestion sounding more li*e an accusation.
"I got a little sidetrac*ed." She shrugs. ",his place is so ama1ing, I" She loo*s at me,
hoping I-ll lighten up and cut her a brea*, and a&erting her ga1e "hen it9s clear that I
"on-t.
"Ho"-d you end up here? .id 5omy and 5ayne"
%ut "hen I turn, I reali1e they-re gone.
(&a s/uints, her fingers playing "ith the ne"ly manifested gold hoops at her ear. "I
desired to find you, so I ended up here. %ut I can-t seem to get inside." She fro"ns at
the door. "So is this it? Is this the hall you "ere loo*ing for?"
I nod, ta*ing in her expensi&e shoes and designer handbag, and gro"ing more annoyed
by the second.
Here I ta*e her to Summerland so she can help me sa&e someone-s life, and all she
"ants to do is go shopping.
"I *no"," she says, responding to the thoughts in my head. "I got carried a"ay, and I-m
sorry. %ut I9m ready to help if you still need it. 3r did you get all the ans"ers you
sought?"
I press my lips together and ga1e do"n at the ground, sha*ing my head "hen I say, "I
umI ran into some trouble." ( flood of shame "ashes right o&er me, especially "hen I
remember ho" the trouble "as pretty much of my ma*ing. "(nd I-m afraid I-m right bac*
"here I started," I add, feeling li*e the "orld9s biggest loser.
"Maybe I can help?" She smiles, s/uee1ing my arm so I9ll *no" she-s sincere.
%ut I 2ust shrug, doubting she can do much of anything at this point.
".on-t gi&e up so easily," she says. "(fter all, this is Summerland, anything is possible
here'"
I glance at her, *no"ing it-s true but also *no"ing I9&e got some serious "or* to do bac*
home on the earth plane. 0or* that-s going to re/uire all of my attention and focus, no
distractions allo"ed.
So as I lead her do"n the stairs, I loo* at her and say, "0ell, there-s one thing you can
do."
Chapter Twenty-Seven
)&en though (&a "anted to stay, I pretty much grabbed hold of her hand and forced her
to lea&e, *no"ing "e-d both "asted plenty of time in Summerland already and I had
other places to be. ".amn'" She s/uints at her fingers 2ust after "e land on the floor
cushions in her small purple room. "I "as hoping they-d *eep."
I nod, noticing ho" the 2e"el8encrusted gold rings she-d manifested ha&e returned to her
usual sil&er, "hile the designer shoes and handbag didn-t sur&i&e the trip either.
"I "as "ondering about that," I say, rising to my feet. "%ut you *no" you can do that
here, right? +ou can manifest anything you "ant, you 2ust ha&e to be patient." I smile,
"ishing to lea&e things on a positi&e note by repeating the exact same pep tal* .amen
ga&e me bac* "hen my lessons first began. <essons I "ished I-d paid a lot more
attention to no", ha&ing assumed that being immortal meant "e had nothing but time.
%esides, I-m starting to feel guilty for being so hard on her. I mean, "ho "ouldn-t get a
little carried a"ay on their first &isit to that place? "So "hat no"?" she calls, follo"ing
me to the front door. "0hen do "e go bac*? I mean, you "on-t return "ithout me"ill
you?"
I turn, my eyes meeting hers, seeing ho" consumed she is "ith her &isit and "ondering
if I-d made a mista*e by ta*ing her there. (&oiding her eyes as I head for my car, calling
o&er my shoulder to say, "I-ll gi&e you a call."
,he next morning I pull into the par*ing lot and head for class. Merging into the usual
s"arm of students 2ust li*e any other day, except this time I don-t stri&e to *eep my
distance and maintain my personal space. Instead, I 2ust go "ith the flo". !ot reacting
in the slightest "hen random people brush up against me, despite the fact that I left my
i$od, hoodie, and sunglasses at home. %ut that-s because I-m no longer reliant on those
old accessories that ne&er "or*ed all that "ell any"ay. !o" I carry my /uantum remote
"here&er I go.
+esterday, 2ust as (&a and I "ere about to lea&e Summerland, I as*ed her to help me
build a better shield. Ano"ing I could 2ust go bac* into the hall "hile she "aited outside
and recei&e the ans"er on my o"n, but since she "anted to help, and figuring she
might learn something too, "e lingered at the bottom of the steps, both of us focusing
our energy on desiring a shield that "ould allo" us 6"ell, me mostly, since (&a doesn-t
hear thoughts and get life stories by touch7 to tune in and out at "ill. (nd the next thing
you *no", "e both loo*ed at each other and at the exact same second said, "( /uantum
remote'" So no", "hene&er I "ant to hear someone-s thoughts I 2ust surf o&er to their
energy field and hit select. (nd if I don-t "ant to be bothered, I hit mute. 4ust li*e the
remote I ha&e at home. 3nly this one is in&isible so I can pretty much ta*e it e&ery"here
I go. I head into )nglish, arri&ing early so I can obser&e all the action from start to finish.
!ot "anting to miss a single second of my planned sur&eillance. %ecause e&en though I
ha&e &isual proof that 5oman-s responsible for "hat-s happening to .amenit gets me
only so far. (nd no" that the "ho part of the e/uation is sol&ed, it-s time to mo&e on to
the ho" and "hy.
I 2ust hope it doesn-t ta*e too long. I mean, for one tiling, I miss .amen. (nd for another,
I-m so lo" on immortal 2uice I-m already forced to ration it. (nd since .amen ne&er got
around to gi&ing me the recipe, I-&e no idea ho" to replace it, much less "hat "ill
happen "ithout it. ,hough I-m sure it-s not good. 3riginally, .amen thought he could 2ust
drin* the elixir once and be cured of all ills. (nd "hile that "or*ed for the first one
hundred and fifty years, "hen he started to see subtle signs of aging he decided to drin*
it again. (nd then again. ;ntil he ultimately became totally dependent.
He also didn-t reali1e that an immortal could be *illed until after I too* do"n his ex8"ife,
.rina. (nd "hile both of us "ere sure that targeting the "ea*est cha*ra "as the only
method 6the heart cha*ra in .rina-s case7, and "hile I-m still sure that "e-re the only
ones "ho *no" thataccording to "hat I sa" yesterday in the a*ashic records,
5oman-s disco&ered another "ay. 0hich means if I ha&e any hope of sa&ing .amen, I
need to learn "hat 5oman *no"s, before it-s too late. 0hen the door finally opens, I lift
my ga1e as a horde of students burst in. (nd e&en though it-s not the first time I-&e seen
it, it-s still hard to "atch them all laughing and 2o*ing and getting along, "hen 2ust last
"ee* they barely ac*no"ledged each other. (nd e&en though it-s pretty much the *ind
of scene anyone "ould dream of seeing in their school, under the circumstances, it-s not
gi&ing me the thrill that it should.
(nd not 2ust because I-m stuc* on the outside loo*ing in, but because it-s creepy,
unnatural, and "eird. I mean, high schools don-t operate li*e this. Hec*, people don-t
operate li*e this. <i*e "ill al"ays see* li*e and that-s 2ust the "ay it is. It-s 2ust one of
those unspo*en rules. %esides, this isn-t something they-&e chosen to do. %ecause little
do they reali1e that all of that hugging, laughing, and ridiculous high8fi&ing is not
because of their ne"found lo&e for each otherit-s because of 5oman.
<i*e a master puppeteer controlling his sub2ects for his o"n amusement5oman is
responsible. (nd "hile I don-t *no" ho" or "hy he-s doing it, and "hile I can-t pro&e that
he actually is doing it, I 2ust *no" in my heart that it-s true. It-s as clear as the ping in my
gut or the chill that blan*ets my s*in "hene&er he9s near.
I "atch as .amen slides onto his seat as Stacia leans on his des*, her hea&ily padded
pushed8up chest looming close to his face as she s"ings her hair o&er her shoulder and
laughs at her o"n stupid "it. (nd e&en though I can-t hear the 2o*e since I purposely
tuned her out in order to better hear .amen, the fact that he thin*s it-s stupid, is good
enough for me.
It also gi&es me a small burst of hope.
( burst of hope that soon ends the second his attention returns to her clea&age.
I mean, he-s so banal, so 2u&enile, and to be honestcompletely embarrassing. (nd if I
thought my feelings "ere hurt yesterday, "hen I "as forced to "atch him ma*e out "ith
.rina, "ell, in retrospect, that "as nothing compared to this.
%ecause .rina "as then, nothing more than a beautiful, empty, shallo" image on a
roc*.
%ut Stacia is no".
(nd e&en though she-s beautiful, empty, and shallo" tooshe happens to be standing
right before me in all of her three8dimensional glory.
I listen to .amen-s diluted brain "ax all rhapsodic o&er the &irtues and abundance of
Stacia-s hea&ily padded chest, and I can-t help but "onder if this is his real taste in
"omen.
If these bratty, greedy, &ain girls are the *ind of females he truly prefers.
(nd if I-m 2ust some "eird anomaly, some /uir*y odd flu*e, that *ept getting in the "ay
the last four hundred years.
I *eep my eye on him all through class, "atching from my lone seat in the bac*.
(utomatically ans"ering Mr. 5obins-s /uestions "ithout e&en thin*ing, 2ust repeating the
ans"er I see in his head. My mind ne&er straying from .amen, reminding myself, again
and again, of "ho he really is: ,hat despite all appearances, he-s good, *ind, caring,
and loyalthe undisputed lo&e of my numerous li&es. (nd that this &ersion sitting before
me is not the real dealno matter ho" much it may mirror some of the beha&iors
re&ealed yesterdayit-s not "ho he is. (nd "hen the bell finally rings, I follo" him.
Aeeping tabs on him all through second period $.). 6mostly because I don-t go7,
choosing to linger outside his classroom "hen I-m supposed to be running trac*.
Slipping out of sight the moment I sense the hall monitors about to stroll by, then
returning as soon as they-&e passed. $eering at him through the "indo" and
ea&esdropping on all of his thoughts, 2ust li*e the stal*er he-s accused me of being. !ot
*no"ing "hether to feel disturbed or relie&ed "hen I disco&er that his attentions aren-t
strictly relegated to Staciathat they-re pretty much a&ailable for "hoe&er-s semi8good8
loo*ing and sitting nearbyunless, of course, that someone is me. (nd "hile third
period is also spent spying on .amen, by fourth, I s"itch my focus to 5oman. <oo*ing
him right in the eye as I head for my des*, s"i&eling around and ac*no"ledging him
"hene&er I sense that he9s focused on me. (nd e&en though his thoughts about me are
as banal and embarrassing as .amen-s thoughts about Stacia, I refuse to blush or
react. I 2ust *eep smiling and nodding, determined to grin and bear it, because if I-m
going to find out "ho this guy really is, then a&oiding him li*e the %lac* $lague "ill no
longer do.
So "hen the bell rings, I decide to brea* free from this outcast pariah spa1 role I-m
un"illingly cast in, and head straight for the long line of tables. Ignoring the ping in my
gut that gets "orse "ith each step, determined to land myself a spot and sit "ith the
rest of my class.
(nd "hen 5oman nods as I ma*e my approach, I can9t help but feel disappointed that
he-s not nearly as surprised as I-d assumed he "ould be.
")&er'" He smiles, patting the narro" space right next to him. "So it "asn-t 2ust my
imagination. 0e really did share a moment in class."
I smile tightly and s/uee1e in beside him, my ga1e instincti&ely s"itching to .amen, but
only for a moment before I force myself to loo* a"ay. 5eminding myself that I need to
stay focused on 5oman, that it-s imperati&e not to get sidetrac*ed. "I *ne" you-d come
around e&entually. I 2ust "ish it -adn-t ta*en so long. 0e-&e so much lost time to ma*e up
for." He leans in, his face looming so close I can see the indi&idual flec*s of color in his
eyes, brilliant points of &iolet that "ould be so easy to get lost in ",his is nice. Isn-t this
nice? )&eryone together li*e thisall 2oined as one. (nd all this time you "ere the
missing lin*. %ut no" that you-re -ere, my mission-s complete. (nd you thought it
couldn-t be done." He tilts his head bac* and laughseyes closed, teeth exposed, as
his tousled golden hair catches the glint of the sun. (nd e&en though I hate to admit it,
the truth is, he-s mesmeri1ing.
!ot in the same "ay as .amen, in fact, not e&en close. 5oman-s good loo*ing in a "ay
that reminds me of my old life, ha&ing 2ust the right amount of superficial charm and
"ell8calculated hotness that I "ould-&e fallen for before. %ac* "hen I accepted things at
face &alue and rarely, if e&er, loo*ed past the surface.
I "atch as he ta*es a bite of his Mars bar, then I s"itch my ga1e bac* to .amen. ,a*ing
in his gorgeous dar* profile as my heart fills "ith such o&er"helming longing I can
hardly bear it. 0atching his hands flail about as he amuses Stacia "ith some stupid
story, though I-m far less interested in the anecdote than the hands themsel&es,
remembering ho" "onderful they once felt on my s*in
"... so, as nice as it is to ha&e you 2oin us, I can-t help but "onder "hat this is really
about," 5oman says, his eyes still on me.
%ut I-m still loo*ing at .amen. 0atching as he presses his lips against Stacia-s chee*,
before "or*ing their "ay around her ear and do"n the length of her nec*...
"%ecause as much as I-d li*e to pretend you "ere o&ercome by my undeniable good
loo*s and charm, I *no" better. So tell me, )&er, "hat gi&es?"
I can hear 5oman tal*ing, his &oice droning on and on in the bac*ground li*e a &ague
incessant hum that9s easy to ignore, but my ga1e stays on .amenthe lo&e of my life,
my eternal soul mate "ho-s completely una"are of the fact that I e&en exist. My
stomach t"isting as his lips brush o&er her collarbone before heading bac* to her ear,
his mouth mo&ing softly as he "hispers to her, trying to coax her into ditching the rest of
their classes so they can head bac* to his house ...
0aitcoax her? He-s trying to con&ince her? .oes that mean she-s not ready and
"illing? (m I the only one around here "ho 2ust assumed they-d already 2umped each
other9s bones? %ut 2ust as I-m about to tune in to Stacia and see "hat she could
possibly be up to by playing hard to get, 5oman taps me on the arm and says, "(",
come on, )&er. .on-t be shy. ,ell me "hat you-re doing here. ,ell me 2ust exactly "hat it
is that put you o&er the edge."
(nd before I can e&en reply, Stacia loo*s at me and says, "4ee1, Spa1, stare much?" I
don-t respond. I 2ust pretend I didn-t hear "hile I focus on .amen. 5efusing to
ac*no"ledge her presence, e&en though they-re so ent"ined they9re practically fused.
0ishing he-d 2ust turn around and see mereally see mein the "ay that he used to.
%ut "hen he does finally loo*, his ga1e goes right through me, as though I-m not "orth
the bother, as though I-m in&isible no".
(nd seeing him glance through me li*e that lea&es me numb, breathless, fro1en, unable
to mo&e
";m, hel8lo?" Stacia shouts, loud enough for e&eryone to hear. "I mean, seriously. Can
"e help you? Can anyone help you?"
I glance at Miles and Ha&en sitting 2ust a fe" feet a"ay, "atching as they sha*e their
heads, both of them "ishing they-d ne&er had anything to do "ith me. ,hen I s"allo"
hard and remind myself that they9re not in controlthat 5oman-s the "riter, producer,
director, and creator of this od8a"ful sho".
I meet 5oman-s ga1e, my stomach t"isting, pinging, as I peer into the thoughts in his
head. .etermined to dig past the superficial layer of the usual inane stuff, curious to see
if there-s anything more than the horny, annoying, sugar8addicted teen he portrays
himself to be. %ecause the fact is, I-m not buying it. ,he image I sa" on that crystal, "ith
the e&il grin of &ictory spread "ide across his face, hints at a much dar*er side. (nd as
his smile gro"s "ider and his ga1e narro"s on minee&erything dims. )&erything
except 5oman and me. I-m hurtling through a tunnel, pulled faster and faster by a force
beyond my control. Slipping uncontrollably into the dar* abyss of his mind, as 5oman
carefully selects the scenes he "ants me to see.amen thro"ing a party in our suite
at the Montage, a party that includes Stacia, Honor, Craig, and all the other *ids "ho
ne&er tal*ed to us before, a party that lasts se&eral days, until he-s finally *ic*ed out for
trashing the place. #orcing me to &ie" all manner of unsa&ory acts, stuff I-d rather not
seeculminating on the final image I sa" on the crystal that daythe &ery last scene.
I fall bac* from my seat, landing on the ground in a tangle of limbs, still caught in his
grip. #inally coming around 2ust as the entire school brea*s into a shrill moc*ing chorus
of "Spa1" (nd "atching in horror as my spilled red elixir races across the tabletop and
drips do"n the sides.
"+ou all right?" 5oman as*s, ga1ing at me as I struggle to stand. "I *no" it-s tough to
"atch. %elie&e me, )&er, I-&e been there. %ut it-s all for the best, really it is. (nd I-m
afraid you-ll 2ust ha&e to trust me on that."
"I *ne" it "as you," I "hisper, standing before him, sha*ing "ith rage. "I *ne" it all
along."
"So you did." He smiles. "So you did. Score one for you. ,hough I should "arn you, I-m
still a good ten points ahead."
"+ou "on-t get a"ay "ith this," I say, "atching in horror as he dips his middle finger into
the puddle of my spilled red drin*, allo"ing the drops to fall onto his tongue in such a
deliberate, measured "ay, it-s li*e he9s trying to tell me something, gi&e me a nudge.
%ut 2ust as an idea begins to form in my head, he lic*s his lips and says, "%ut see, that-s
"here you-re "rong."
,urning his head in a "ay that displays the mar* on his nec*, the finely detailed
3uroboros tattoo no" flashing in and out of &ie". "I-&e already gotten a"ay "ith it,
)&er." He smiles. "I-&e already "on."
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I didn-t go to art. I left right after lunch. !o, scratch that. %ecause the truth is I left in the
middle of lunch. Seconds after my horrible encounter "ith 5oman, I sprinted for the
par*ing lot 6chased by a ne&er8ending chorus of Spa1' 7, "here I 2umped in my car and
sped a"ay long before the bell "as scheduled to ring.
I needed to get a"ay from 5oman. ,o put some distance bet"een me and his creepy
tattoothe intricate 3uroboros design that hashed in and out of &ie" 2ust li*e the one
on .rina-s "rist used to do. ,he undeniable symbol mar*ing 5oman as a rogue
immortal2ust as I-d thought all along. (nd e&en though .amen failed to "arn me of
them, didn-t e&en *no" they existed until .rina "ent bad, I still can-t belie&e it too* me
so long to get it. I mean, e&en though he eats and drin*s, e&en though his aura is &isible
and his thoughts are a&ailable to read 6"ell, for me any"ay7, I reali1e no" it "as all a
facade. <i*e those buildings on Holly"ood bac* lots that are carefully crafted to loo* li*e
something they-re not.
(nd that-s "hat 5oman didhe purposely pro2ected this happy8go8luc*y, 2olly young lad
from )ngland &eneer, "ith his bright shiny aura, and happy, horny thoughts, "hen all
the "hile, deep do"n inside, he9s anything but.
,he real 5oman is dar*.
(nd sinister.
(nd e&il.
(nd e&erything else that adds up to bad. %ut e&en "orse is the fact that he-s out to *ill
my boyfriend, and I still don-t *no" "hy.
%ecause moti&e "as the one thing in my brief but disturbing &isit to the inner recesses
of his mind that I failed to see.
(nd moti&e "ill pro&e &ery important if I-m e&er forced to *ill him, since it-s imperati&e to
hit 2ust the right cha*ra to be rid of him for good. (nd not *no"ing the moti&e means I
could fail.
I mean, "ould I go for the first cha*raor root cha*ra, as it-s sometimes calledthe
center for anger, &iolence, and greed? 3r maybe the na&el cha*ra, or sacral center,
"hich is "here en&y and 2ealousy li&e. %ut "ith no idea of "hat-s dri&ing him, it-d be far
too easy to hit the "rong one. 0hich "ould not only ser&e in not *illing him but "ould
probably ma*e him incredibly angry as "ell. <ea&ing me "ith six more cha*ras to
choose from, and at that point, I-m afraid he-d catch on.
%esides, *illing 5oman too soon "ill only hurt meensuring he ta*es his secret of
"hate&er he-s done to .amen and the rest of the school along "ith him. (nd that-s one
ris* I 2ust can-t afford. !ot to mention that I-m really not all that big on *illing people
any"ay. ,he only tunes I-&e e&er gotten physical in the past are "hen I "as left "ith no
choice but to fight or die. (nd as soon as I reali1ed "hat I-d done to .rina, I hoped I-d
ne&er ha&e to do it again. %ecause e&en though she *illed me many times before, e&en
though she admitted to *illing my entire familyincluding my dogthat doesn-t do much
to alle&iate the guilt. I mean, *no"ing I-m solely responsible for her ultimate exit ma*es
me feel a"ful. (nd since I-m pretty much right bac* "here I started, I decide to head
bac* to the beginning. ,urning right on Coast High"ay and heading for .amen-s,
figuring I-ll use the next couple hours "hile they-re all still at school to brea* into his
house and ta*e a good loo* around.
I pull up to the guard post, "a&e at Sheila, and continue to"ard the gate. !aturally
assuming it "ould open before me, and ha&ing to slam on my bra*es to a&oid ma2or
front8end damage "hen it stays put. ")xcuse me. )xcuse, me'" Sheila shouts, storming
to"ard my car as though I-m some *ind of intruder, as though she-s ne&er seen me
before. 0hen the truth is, up until last "ee*, I "as pretty much here e&ery day. "Hey,
Sheila." I smile in a nice, friendly, nonthreatening "ay. "I-m 2ust heading up to .amen-s,
so if you could 2ust open the gate, I-ll be on my "ay and"
She loo*s at me, her eyes narro"ed, her lips pressed together in a thin grim line. "I-m
going to ha&e to as* you to lea&e."
"0hat? %ut "hy?"
"+ou-re off the list," she says, hands planted firmly on hips, her face betraying not e&en
the slightest trace of remorse after all those months of smiling and "a&ing. I sit there,
lips pressed together, allo"ing the "ords to sin* in.
I-m off the list I-m off the permanent list. %lac*balled or blac*listed or "hate&er it-s called
"hen you-re denied access to a glorious gated community for an indefinite time. 0hich
"ould be bad enough on its o"n, but ha&ing to hear the official brea*up message
deli&ered by %ig Sheila instead of my boyfriendma*es it e&en "orse. I ga1e do"n at
my lap, gripping the gearshift so hard it threatens to pop off in my hand. ,hen I s"allo"
hard and loo* at her "hen I say, "0ell, as you-&e ob&iously been made a"are, .amen
and I bro*e up. %ut I "as 2ust hoping to drop in real /uic* and retrie&e a fe" of my
things, because as you can see" I un1ip my bag and /uic*ly sho&e my hand inside. "I
still ha&e the *ey."
I raise it up high, "atching as the noonday sun catches and reflects the gold shiny
metal, too caught up in my o"n mortification to foresee that she-d reach out and snatch
it.
"!o", I-m as*ing you nicely to &acate the premises," she says, sho&ing the *ey deep
into her poc*et, its shape &isible as the fabric strains o&er her mammoth8si1ed breasts.
%arely gi&ing me enough time to s"itch my foot from the bra*e to the gas before adding,
"o on no". %ac* up. .on-t you ma*e me as* t"ice."
Chapter Twenty-Nine
,his time "hen I arri&e in Summerland, I s*ip the usual landing in that &ast fragrant
field, choosing instead to touch do"n smac* in the middle of "hat I no" li*e to thin* of
as the main drag. ,hen I pic* myself up and brush myself off, ama1ed to see e&eryone
around me 2ust carrying on "ith their normal business, as though seeing someone drop
right out of the s*y and onto the street is a normal, e&eryday occurrence. ,hough I
guess in these parts it is.
I ma*e my "ay past *arao*e bars and hair salons, retracing the steps 5omy and 5ayne
sho"ed me, *no"ing I can probably 2ust desire to be there instead, but still anxious to
learn my o"n "ay around. (nd after a /uic* pass through the alley and a sudden turn
onto the boule&ard, I run up those steep marble steps and stand before those massi&e
front doors, "atching as they s"ing open for me.
I step into the great marble hall, noticing ho" it-s much more cro"ded than the last time
I "as here. 5e&ie"ing the /uestions in my head, unsure if I need the a*ashic records or
if I can 2ust get my ans"ers right here. 0ondering if /uestions li*e )xactly "ho is
5oman and "hat has he done to .amen? and: Ho" can I stop him and spare .amen-s
life? re/uire that *ind of secured access.
%ut then, feeling li*e I need to simplify and sum it all up in one tidy sentence, I close my
eyes and thin*: %asically, "hat I "ant to *no" is: Ho" can I return e&erything bac* to
the "ay it "as before? (nd as soon as the thought is complete, a door"ay opens before
me, it9s "arm in&iting light bec*oning me in as I enter a solid "hite room, that same sort
of rainbo" "hite as before, only this time, rather than a "hite marble bench, there-s a
"orn leather recliner instead.
I mo&e to"ard it, plopping onto the seat, extending the leg rest, and settling in. ;na"are
that I-m lounging on an exact replica of my dad-s fa&orite chair until I see the initials 5.%.
and A%. scratched onto its arm. asping "hen I recogni1e it as the exact same
mar*ings I con&inced 5iley to ma*e "ith her irl Scout camping *nife. ,he exact same
mar*ings that not only pro&ed "e "ere the culprits but also earned us a "ee*-s "orth of
restriction.
3r at least until mine got extended to ten days "hen my parents reali1ed I-d coached
her into doing ita fact that, in their eyes, made me the pre8calculating perpetrator "ho
clearly deser&ed extra time.
I run my fingers o&er the gouged leather, my nails digging into the stuffing "here the
cur&e of her 5 "ent too deep. Cho*ing bac* a sob as I remember that day. (ll of those
days. )&ery single one of those deliciously "onderful days that I once too* for granted
but no" find myself missing so much I can barely stand it.
I-d do anything to go bac*. (nything if it meant I could return and put it all bac* to the
"ay it once "as
(nd no sooner is the thought complete, "hen the formerly empty space begins to
transform.
5earranging itself from a nearly empty room "ith alone recliner to an exact replica of
our old den in 3regon.
,he air infused "ith the scent of my mom-s famous bro"nies, as the "alls morph from
pearlescent "hite to the soft beige8li*e hue she referred to as drift"ood pearl. (nd "hen
the three8colors8of8blue afghan my grandma *nit suddenly co&ers my *nees, I ga1e
to"ard the door, seeing %uttercup-s leash hanging on the *nob, and 5iley-s old
snea*ers lying next to my dad-s. 0atching as all the pieces fill in, until e&ery photo,
boo*, and *nic**nac* are present and accounted for. (nd I can-t help but "onder if tills
is because of my /uestion, because I as*ed for e&erything to return to the "ay it "as
before.
%ecause the truth is, I "as actually referring to .amen and me. 0asn-t I?
I mean, is it really possible to go bac* in time? 3r is this lifeli*e replica, this %loom
family diorama, the closest I-ll e&er get?
%ut 2ust as I-m /uestioning my surroundings and the true meaning of "hat I actually
meant, the ,= turns on, and a flash of colors race across the screena screen made of
crystal, 2ust li*e the crystal I &ie"ed the other day.
I pull the afghan tighter around me, tuc*ing it snugly under my *nees, as the "ords
l-heure bleue fill up thes creen. (nd 2ust as I-m "ondering "hat it could possibly mean, a
definition scripted in the most beautiful calligraphy appears, stating:
( #rench expression, l-heure bleue, or "blue hour" refers to the hour experienced
bet"een daylight and dar*ness. ( time re&ered for its /uality of light, and also "hen the
scent of flo"ers is at its strongest.
I s/uint at the screen, "atching as the "ords fade and a picture of the moon ta*es its
placea full and glorious moonshimmering the most beautiful shade of bluea hue
that nearly matches the s*y ...
(nd thenand then I see me up on that &ery same screen. .ressed in 2eans and a
blac* s"eater, my hair hanging loose, ga1ing out a "indo" at that same blue moon
glancing at my "atch as though I-m "aiting for somethingsomething that-s soon to
arri&e. (nd despite the fu11y, dreamli*e state of "atching a me that-s not really me, I
can still feel "hat she-s feeling, hear "hat she-s thin*ing, She-s going some"here,
some"here she once thought "as off limits. (nxiously "aiting for the moment "hen the
s*y turns the same shade as the moon, a "onderful deep dar* blue "ith no trace of the
sun*no"ing it heralds her only chance to find her "ay bac* to this room and return to
a place she once thought "as lost. I "atch, my ga1e glued to the screen, gasping as
she raises her hand, presses her finger to the crystal, and is pulled bac* in time.
Chapter Thirty
I tear out of the hall and sprint do"n the steps. My &ision so blurred, my heart pounding
so fast, I-m completely una"are of 5omy and 5ayne until it-s too late, and 5ayne is
crumpled beneath me. "3migod, I-m so sorry, I"
I bend do"n, my hand outstretched, "aiting for her to grab hold of it so I can help her to
her feet, as*ing repeatedly if she-s all right, and "incing "ith embarrassment "hen she
ignores my gesture and struggles to stand. Straightening her s*irt and pulling up her
*nee soc*s as I "atch in ama1ement as her s*inned *nees instantly healne&er ha&ing
considered the possibility that they might be li*e me. "(reare you"
%ut before I can e&en get to the "ord, 5ayne sha*es her head and says, "0e are most
certainly not." Ma*ing sure her *nee soc*s are of exact e/ual height. "0e are nothing
li*e you," she mumbles, straightening her blue bla1er and plaid s*irt, then glancing at
her much nicer sister "ho-s sha*ing her head.
"5ayne, please. 5emember your manners." 5omy fro"ns.
%ut e&en though 5ayne continues to glare, her &oice loses some of its steam "hen she
says, "0ell, "e-re not."
"Soso you *no" about me?" I as*, hearing 5ayne thin*: 0ell, duh' (s 5omy nods her
head solemnly.
"(nd you thin* that I-m bad?"
5ayne rolls her eyes, "hile 5omy smiles gently, saying, "$lease, ignore my sister. 0e
thin* nothing of the sort. 0e are in no position to 2udge."
I glance bet"een them, ta*ing in their pale s*in, huge dar* eyes, ra1or8slashed bangs,
and thin lips, their features so exaggerated they-re li*e Manga characters come to life.
(nd I can-t help but thin* ho" strange it is for t"o people to be so identical on the
outside and yet so opposite inside.
"So, tell us "hat you-&e learned," 5omy says, smiling as she heads do"n the street,
assuming "e-ll all 2ust follo" along"hich "e do. ".id you find all the ans"ers you
see*?"
(nd more.
I-&e been "ide8eyed and speechless e&er since that crystal "ent blan*. Ha&ing no idea
"hat to ma*e of the *no"ledge I-&e been gi&en, but "ell a"are of the fact that it holds
the potential to change not only my life but /uite possibly the "orld. (nd "hile I ha&e to
admit that it-s pretty ama1ing to ha&e access to such po"erful "isdom, the responsibility
that goes "ith it is undeniably huge.
I mean, "hat am I expected to do "ith it no" that I *no"? 0as I sho"n the information
for a reason?
Some *ind of big global reason? Is there some ne" expectation of me of "hich I-m not
e&en a"are? (nd if not, then "hat-s the point?
Seriously "hy me?
Surely I-m not the first person to as* that sort of /uestion.
(m I?
(nd the only plausible ans"er I can seem to come up "ith is: Maybe I-m meant to go
bac*. Maybe I9m meant to return.
!ot to halt assassinations, stop "ars, and basically change the course of historyI 2ust
don-t thin* I9m the right girl for that 2ob.
,hough I do thin* I-&e been sho"n this information for a reasonone that leads right
bac* to "hat I9&e been thin*ing all along: ,hat this "hole scenario of the accident, my
psychic po"ers, and .amen ma*ing me an immortal has all been a terrible mista*e.
(nd that if I can 2ust pop bac* in time and stop the accident from e&er happeningthen
I can put it all bac* to the "ay it "as before. I can go bac* to 3regon and re8enter my
old life li*e my ne" life ne&er e&en occurred. 0hich is "hat I-&e "ished for all along.
%ut "here does that lea&e .amen? .oes he go bac* too?
(nd if so, "ill he still be "ith .rina until she manages to *ill me, and e&erything happens
all o&er again?
0ill I 2ust be delaying the ine&itable?
3r does e&erything stay the same except me? .oes he die at 5oman-s hands "hile I-m
bac* in 3regon, completely una"are he exists?
(nd if that-s the case, then ho" can I let that happen?
Ho" can I turn my bac* on the one and only person I9&e e&er truly lo&ed?
I sha*e my head, noticing 5omy and 5ayne still loo*ing at me, "aiting for an ans"er,
though I-&e no idea "hat to say. So, instead, I 2ust stand there, my mouth hanging open
li*e a ginormous dor*. ,hin*ing ho" e&en in Summerland, a place of absolute lo&e and
perfection, I-m still a total d"eeb.
5omy smiles, closing her eyes as her arms fill "ith red tulipsbeautiful red tulips she
promptly offers to me.
%ut I refuse to ta*e them. I 2ust narro" my eyes and start bac*ing a"ay. "0hat are you
doing?" I glance bet"een them, my &oice tenuous, fragile, noticing ho" they loo* 2ust as
confused as I am.
"I-m sorry," 5omy says, trying to ease my alarm. "I9m not sure "hy I did it. ,he thought
2ust popped into my head, and so"
I "atch as the tulips dissol&e from her fingers, going bac* to "here&er they came from.
%ut ha&ing them gone doesn-t ma*e the least bit of difference, and all I "ant no" is for
them to go too.
"Isn-t anything pri&ate around here?" I shout, *no"ing I-m o&er8reacting but unable to
stop. %ecause if those tulips "ere some *ind of message, if she "as listening in on my
thoughts and trying to persuade me to gi&e up the past and stay put, "ell, it-s 2ust none
of her business. ,hey may *no" all about Summerland, but they *no" nothing about
me, and they-&e no right to butt in. ,hey-&e ne&er had to ma*e a decision li*e this.
,hey-&e no idea ho" it feels to lose e&ery single person you-&e e&er lo&ed.
I ta*e another step bac*, seeing 5ayne furro" her bro" as 5omy sha*es her head,
saying, "0e didn-t hear a thing. Honest. 0e can-t read all of your thoughts, )&er. 3nly
the ones "e-re permitted to see. 0hate&er you see in the a*ashic records is yours and
yours to *eep. 0e are merely concerned by your distress. ,hat is all. !othing more,
nothing less." I narro" my eyes, not trusting her for a second. ,hey-&e probably been
snooping in my thoughts all along. I mean, "hy else gi&e me the tulips? 0hy else
manifest such a thing? "I "asn-t e&en &isiting the a*ashic records," I say.
",his room "as" I pause, s"allo"ing hard as I remember the smell of my mom-s
bro"nies, the feel of my grandma-s blan*et, and *no"ing I can ha&e it all again. (ll I
ha&e to do is "ait for the right day and time and I can return to my family and friends. I
sha*e my head and shrug. ",his room "as different."
",he (*ashic Hall has many faces." 5omy nods. "It becomes "hate&er you need it to
be." She loo*s at me, her eyes roaming o&er my face as she says, "0e only sho"ed up
to help, not to upset or confuse you."
"So, "hat? +ou-re li*e my guardian angels or spirit guides? ,"o pri&ate8school8uniform8
"earing fairy godmothers?"
"!ot /uite." 5omy laughs.
",hen "ho are you? (nd "hat-re you doing here? (nd ho" come you al"ays manage to
find me?" 5ayne glares and pulls on her sister-s slee&e, urging her to lea&e. %ut 5omy
stays put, loo*ing me in the eye "hen she says, "0e are only here to aid and assist.
,hat is all you need to *no"."
I loo* at her for a moment, glance at her sister, then sha*e my head and "al* a"ay.
,hey-re deliberately mysterious and "ay beyond "eird, and I-&e a pretty good hunch
their intentions aren-t good. )&en as 5omy calls out from behind me, I *eep going.
)ager to put some distance bet"een us as I head for an auburn8haired "oman "aiting
2ust outside the theater, the one "ho, from behind any"ay, loo*s exactly li*e (&a.
Chapter Thirty-One
,he huge disappointment I felt "hen I tapped that auburn8haired "oman on the
shoulder only to disco&er she "asn-t (&a, made me reali1e 2ust ho" badly I need to tal*
to her. So I exit Summerland and land bac* in my car, plopping onto the dri&er-s seat
right in front of the ,rader 4oe-s in the Crystal Co&e $romenade par*ing lot, and startling
an unsuspecting shopper so badly she drops both her bags, scattering numerous cans
of coffee and soup under a "hole ro" of cars. (nd I promise myself that from no" on, I-ll
ma*e sure my exits and entries are a bit more discreet. 0hen I get to (&a-s, she-s in the
middle of a reading, so I "ait in her bright sunny *itchen "hile she finishes up. (nd e&en
though I *no" it-s none of my business, e&en though I *no" I shouldn-t be snooping, I
go right for my /uantum remote and access their session, ama1ed by the amount of
accuracy and detail (&a pro&ides.
"Impressi&e," I say, after her client is gone and she comes into the *itchen to 2oin me.
"=ery impressi&e. Seriously, I had no idea." I smile, "atching as she goes through her
usual ritual of filling the teapot to boil, then placing some coo*ies onto a plate and
pushing it my "ay.
",hat-s /uite a compliment coming from you." She smiles, ta*ing the seat 2ust across
from me. ",hough if I remember right, I ga&e you a pretty accurate reading once too."
I reach for a coo*ie, *no"ing it-s expected. (nd "hen I lic* the little bits of sugar from
the top, I can-t help but feel sad that it no longer holds the allure that it used to.
"+ou remember that reading? 3n Hallo"een night?"
She "atches me closely.
I nod. I remember it "ell. ,hat-s the night I disco&ered she could see 5iley. ;p until then
I-d been sure I "as the only one "ho could communicate "ith my dead little sister, and I
"asn-t too happy to learn that "as no longer the case.
".id you tell your client she-s dating a loser?" I brea* the coo*ie in half. ",hat he-s
cheating on her "ith someone she thin*s is a friend and that she should dump them
both (S($?" I as*, remo&ing some crumbs that fell onto my lap.
"In so many "ords," she says, getting up to fetch our tea the moment the pot starts to
"histle. ",hough I can only hope you-ll learn to soften the message if you e&er decide to
gi&e readings."
I pause, o&ercome by a sudden pang of sadness "hen I reali1e 2ust ho" long it-s been
since I last thought about my future, about "hat I might "ant to be "hen I gro" up. I
"ent through so many phases"anting to be a par* ranger, a teacher, an astronaut, a
supermodel, a pop starthe list "as endless. %ut no" that I-m immortal, no" that I-m in
a position to try out all of those things o&er the course of the next thousand8plus years
I no longer feel that ambitious.
<ately, all I-&e been thin*ing about is ho" to get .amen bac*.
(nd no", after this last trip to Summerland, all I can thin* about is getting the old me
bac*.
I mean, ha&ing the entire "orld at my feet is not so enticing "hen there-s no one to
share it "ith. "II-m still not sure "hat I "ant to do. I ha&en-t really thought about it," I
lie, "ondering if it "ill be easy for me to slip bac* into my old lifeif I decide to return to
it, that is. (nd if I-ll still "ant to be a pop star li*e I used to, or if the changes I-&e
experienced here "ill follo" me there.
%ut "hen I loo* at (&a, "atching as she lifts her cup to her lips and blo"s t"ice before
sipping, I remember that I didn-t come here to discuss my future. I came to discuss my
past. .eciding to bring her into my confidence and share some of my biggest secrets.
Con&inced not only that I can trust her but that she-ll be able to help me as "ell.
%ecause the truth is, I need someone I can count on. ,here-s 2ust no "ay I can go it
alone. (nd it-s not about helping me decide "hether I should stay or go, because I-m
beginning to reali1e I really don-t ha&e much of a choice. I mean, the thought of lea&ing
.amenthe thought of ne&er seeing him againis almost more painful than I can bear.
%ut "hen I thin* about my family, and ho" they un"ittingly sacrificed their li&es for me
either because of a stupid blue s"eatshirt I insisted my dad return for, "hich ultimately
caused the accident that *illed e&eryoneor because .rina intentionally made the deer
run in front of our car so she could be rid of me and ha&e .amen to herselfI feel I
ha&e to do something to ma*e it all right.
%ecause either "ay you loo* at it, it leads bac* to me. It-s my fault they-re no longer
li&ing their li&es, it-s my fault their bright shiny futures "ere cut so tragically short. If I
hadn-t gotten in the "ay, none of this e&er "ould-&e happened. (nd e&en though 5iley
insisted it all turned out the "ay it "as meant to, the fact that I-m being gi&en the choice
2ust pro&es that I need to sacrifice my future "ith .amen so they can ha&e theirs.
It-s the right thing to do. It-s the only thing to do.
(nd "ith the "ay things are going, "ith my social exile from school, (&a-s pretty much
my only friend left. 0hich means I-ll need her to pic* up any stray pieces I might lea&e
behind.
I bring my teacup to my lips, then set it bac* do"n "ithout drin*ing. ,racing my fingers
around the cur&e of the handle as I ta*e a deep breath and say, "I thin* someone-s
poisoning .amen." Seeing her eyes bug out as she gapes. "II thin* someone-s
tampering "ith his" )lixir "fa&orite drin*. (nd it-s ma*ing him act" Mortal "
normal, but not in a good "ay." I press my lips together and rise from my seat, barely
gi&ing her a chance to catch her breath "hen I say, "(nd since I-m banned from the
gate, I-m gonna need you to help me brea* in."
Chapter Thirty-Two
"3*ay, "e-re here. 4ust act cool," I say, crouching do"n in the bac* as (&a approaches
the gate. "4ust nod and smile and gi&e her the name I told you." I pull my legs in, trying
to ma*e myself smaller, less obtrusi&e, a tas* that "ould-&e been a hec* of a lot easier
2ust t"o "ee*s ago, before I "as faced "ith this ridiculous gro"th spurt. Crouching
do"n e&en farther and pulling the blan*et tighter around me as (&a lo"ers her "indo"
and smiles at Sheila, gi&ing her the name of Stacia Miller 6my replacement on .amen-s
list of "elcomed guests7, "ho I hope hasn-t come around /uite enough yet for Sheila to
recogni1e her. (nd the moment the gate s"ings open and "e-re headed for .amen-s, I
toss the blan*et aside and climb onto the seat, seeing (&a ga1e around the
neighborhood "ith ob&ious en&y, sha*ing her head and muttering, "S"an*y." I shrug
and glance around too, ne&er ha&ing gi&en it much notice before. (l"ays &ie"ing this
place as a blur of phony ,uscan farmhouses and upscale Spanish haciendas "ith "ell8
landscaped yards and subterranean garages one has to pass in order to reach .amen-s
faux #rench chateau.
"I ha&e no idea ho" he affords it, but it sure is nice," she says, glancing at me.
"He plays the ponies," I mumble, concentrating on the garage door as she pulls into his
dri&e, ta*ing note of its most minute details before closing my eyes and "illing for it to
open.
Seeing it rise and lift in my mind, then opening my eyes 2ust in time to "atch it sputter
and spurt before dropping bac* do"n "ith a &ery loud thud. (n unmista*able sign that
I-m still a long "ay from mastering psycho*inesisor the art of mo&ing anything hea&ier
than a $rada bag.
";m, I thin* "e should 2ust go around bac* li*e I usually do," I say, feeling embarrassed
for failing so miserably.
%ut (&a "on-t hear of it, grabbing my bag and heading for the front door. (nd e&en "hen
I scramble behind, telling her it-s no use, that it-s loc*ed and "e can9t possibly enter that
"ay, she 2ust *eeps going, claiming "e-ll 2ust ha&e to unloc* it then.
"It-s not as easy as you thin*," I tell her. "%elie&e me, I-&e tried it before and it didn-t
"or*." lancing at the extra door I accidentally manifested the last time I "as herethe
one that-s still leaning against the far "all, "hich is exactly "here I left it since
apparently .amen-s too busy acting cool and chasing Stacia to ta*e the time to get rid
of it.
%ut the moment I thin* that, I "ish I could erase it.
,he thought lea&es me sad, empty, and feeling far more desperate than I care to admit.
"0ell, this time you ha&e me to help." She smiles.
"(nd I thin* "e-&e already pro&ed 2ust ho" "ell "e "or* together."
(nd the "ay she loo*s at me, "ith such anticipation, such optimism, I can-t see the point
in refusing to try.
So I close my eyes as "e both 2oin hands, en&isioning the door springing open before
us. (nd 2ust seconds after hearing the dead bolt slide bac*, the door opens "ide,
allo"ing us in.
"(fter you." (&a nods, glancing at her "atch and scrunching her bro" as she says, ",ell
me again, exactly ho" much time do "e ha&e here?"
I ga1e at my "rist, seeing the crystal horseshoe bracelet .amen ga&e me that day at
the trac*, the one that ma*es my heart s"ell "ith longing e&ery time I see it. +et I refuse
to remo&e it. I mean, I 2ust can-t.
It-s my only physical reminder of "hat "e once had.
"Hey? +ou o*ay?" she as*s, her face creased "ith concern.
I s"allo" hard and nod. "0e should be o*ay on time.
,hough I should "arn you, .amen has a bad habit of cutting class and coming home
early."
",hen "e best get started" (&a smiles, slipping into the foyer and loo*ing all around, her
eyes mo&ing from the huge chandelier in the entry to the elaborate "rought8iron
banister that leads up the stairs. ,urning to me "ith a gleam in her eye "hen she says,
",his guy is se&enteen?"
I mo&e to"ard the *itchen, not bothering to ans"er since she already *no"s that he is.
%esides, I-&e got much bigger things at sta*e than s/uare footage and the seeming
implausibility of a se&enteen8year8old "ho9s neither a pop star nor a member of a hit ,=
sho" o"ning such a place.
"Heyhold up," she says, reaching for my arm and stopping me in my trac*s. "0hat-s
upstairs?"
"!othing." (nd the second it-s out I *no" I totally ble" it, ans"ering far too /uic*ly to
e&er be belie&ed.
Still, the last thing I need is for (&a to go snooping around and barging into his "special"
room.
"Come on," she says, smiling li*e a rebellious teen "hose parents are gone for the
"ee*end. "School gets out at "hat? ,"o fifty?"
I nod, 2ust barely, but it-s still enough to encourage her.
"(nd then it ta*es, "hat? ,en minutes to dri&e home from there?"
"More li*e t"o." I sha*e my head. "!o, scratch that. More li*e thirty seconds. +ou ha&e
no idea ho" fast .amen dri&es."
She chec*s her "atch again, then loo*s at me. ( smile playing at the corner of her lips
"hen she says, "0ell, that still lea&es us plenty of time to ta*e a /uic* loo* around,
s"itch out the drin*s, and be on our "ay." (nd "hen I loo* at her, all I can hear is the
&oice in my head shouting: Say no' Say no' 4ust. Say. !o' ( &oice I should heed.
( &oice that-s immediately canceled by hers "hen she says, "Come on, )&er. It-s not
e&ery day I get to tour a house li*e this. %esides, "e might find something useful, did
you e&er consider that?" I press my lips together and nod li*e it pains me. 5eluctantly
follo"ing behind as she races ahead li*e an excited schoolgirl about to see her crush-s
cool room, "hen the fact is she-s got o&er a decade on me. Heading straight for the first
open door she sees, "hich 2ust happens to be his bedroom. (nd as I follo" her inside
I-m not sure if I-m more surprised or relie&ed to find it 2ust li*e I left it. 3nly messier. 0ay
messier.
(nd I refuse to e&en thin* about ho" that might-&e happened. Still, the sheets, the
furniture, e&en the paint on the "allsnone of itI-m happy to reportha&e been
changed. It-s all the same stuff I helped him pic* out a fe" "ee*s ago "hen I refused to
spend another minute hanging out in that creepy mausoleum of his, "here, belie&e it or
not, he used to sleep. I mean, ma*ing out among all those dusty old memories really
started to s*ee&e me out.
!e&er mind the fact that, technically spea*ing, I9m one of those dusty old memories too.
%ut e&en after all the ne" furniture "as put into place, I still preferred to hang out at my
house. I guess it 2ust feltI don-t *no" safer? <i*e the threat of Sabine coming home
any minute "ould *eep me from doing something I "asn-t sure I "as ready to do.
0hich no", after all that-s happened, seems more than a little ridiculous.
"0o", chec* out this master bath," (&a says, eyeing the 5oman sho"er "ith the mosaic
design and enough sho"erheads to bathe t"enty. "I could get used to li&ing li*e this'"
She perches on the edge of the 4acu11i tub and plays "ith the taps. "I-&e al"ays "anted
one of these' Ha&e you used this?"
I loo* a"ay, but not before she catches a glimpse of the color that flushes my chee*s. I
mean, 2ust because I spilled a fe" secrets and allo"ed her to come up here doesn-t
mean she gets an all8access pass to my pri&ate life too, "I ha&e one at home," I finally
say, hoping that9ll suffice so "e can end this tour and be on our "ay. I need to get bac*
do"nstairs so I can s"itch .amen-s elixir "ith mine. (nd if she stays up here alone, I-m
afraid she-ll ne&er lea&e.
I tap my "atch, reminding her of 2ust "ho-s in charge around here.
"(ll right," she says, practically dragging her feet as I lead her out of the bedroom and
into the hall. 3nly to stop 2ust a fe" doors do"n and say, "%ut real /uic*, "hat-s in
here?"
(nd before I can stop her, she-s entered the room.amen-s sacred space. His pri&ate
sanctuary.
His creepy mausoleum.
3nly it-s changed.
(nd I mean, drastically and dramatically changed.
)&ery last trace of .amen-s personal time "arp completely &anished"ith not a
$icasso, =an ogh or &el&et settee in sight.
(ll of it replaced by a red felt pool table, a "ell8stoc*ed blac* marble bar "ith shiny
chrome stools, and a long ro" of recliners facing a "all co&ered "ith a ginormous flat
screen ,=. (nd I can-t help but "onder "hat became of his old stuffthose priceless
artifacts that used to get on my ner&es, but no" that they-&e been replaced "ith such
slic* modern designs, seem li*e lost symbols of much better times. I miss the old
.amen. I miss my bright, handsome, chi&alrous boyfriend "ho clung so tightly to his
5enaissance past.
,his slee*, ne"8millennium .amen is a stranger to me. (nd as I loo* around this room
once more, I "onder if it-s too late to sa&e him. "0hat-s "rong?" (&a s/uints. "+our face
has gone "hite."
I grab hold of her arm and pull her do"n the stairs. "0e need to hurry," I tell her. "%efore
it-s too late'"
Chapter Thirty-Three
I flee do"n the stairs and into the *itchen, yelling, "rab the bag by the door and bring it
to me'"
I race for the fridge, eager to empty its contents and exchange them "ith mine, needing
to "rap it all up before .amen can come home and catch us.
%ut "hen I open his o&ersi1ed Sub8Hero fridge, 2ust li*e the room upstairs, it-s not at all
"hat I expected.
#or one thing, it-s filled "ith food.
(nd I mean lots and lots of foodli*e he-s planning a really huge partyone that "ill
last for three days.
I-m tal*ing sides of beef, slabs of stea*, huge "edges of cheese, half a chic*en, t"o
large pi11as, *etchup, mayonnaise, assorted ta*eout containersthe "or*s'
!ot to mention se&eral six pac*s of beer all lined up along the bottom shelf.
(nd e&en though it appears to be totally normal, here-s the thing:
.amen-s not normal. He hasn-t really eaten in six hundred years.
He also doesn-t drin* beer.
Immortal 2uice, "ater, the occasional glass of champagneyes.
Heine*en and Coronanot so much.
"0hat is it?" (&a as*s, dropping the bag on the floor and peering o&er my shoulder,
trying to figure out "hat I-m so "or*ed up about, and opening the free1er only to find it
fully stoc*ed "ith &od*a, fro1en pi11as, and se&eral tubs of %en P 4erry-s. "3*ay ... so
he-s been to the supermar*et recently ... is there some cause for alarm I don-t get? .o
you t"o normally 2ust manifest all of your food "hene&er you-re hungry?"
I sha*e my head, *no"ing I can-t tell her that .amen and I ne&er get hungry. 4ust
because she *no"s "e9re psychic "ith the ability to manifest stuff both here and in
Summerland, doesn-t mean she needs to *no" the other part of the story, the 3h,
yeah, did I mention "e-re both immortalpart too.
(ll she *no"s is "hat I told herthat I-&e a &ery strong suspicion that .amen is being
poisoned. 0hat I didn-t tell her is that he-s being poisoned in a "ay that9s brea*ing do"n
all of his psychic abilities, his enhanced physical strength, his &ast intelligence, his
carefully honed talents and s*ills, e&en his long8term memories of "hat "ent beforeall
of it-s being slo"ly erased, as he returns to mortal form. %ut "hile he may appear to be
2ust your a&erage high school 2unior"ell, one "ith screamin- good loo*s, fistfuls of
money, and his o"n parent8free, multimillion8dollar padit-s 2ust a matter of time before
he begins to age. (nd then deteriorate.
(nd thenultimately die, li*e I sa" on that screen. (nd that-s exactly "hy I need to
s"itch out these drin*s. I need to get him bac* on the good 2uice so he can start building
up his strength and hopefully repair some of the damage that-s already been done.
0hile I try to figure out an antidote that-ll hopefully sa&e him and return him to the "ay
he once "as. (nd if his messy house, remodeled room, and "ell8stoc*ed fridge are any
indication, .amen-s progressing much more /uic*ly than I assumed. "I don-t e&en see
these bottles you-re tal*ing about,"
(&a says, peering o&er my shoulder and s/uinting into the refrigerator light. "(re you
sure this is "here he *eeps them?"
",rust me, they-re there." I rummage through the "orld9s largest condiment collection,
before spotting the elixir. Sliding my fingers around the nec*s of se&eral bottles, "hich I
then hand to (&a. "4ust as I thought." I nod, finally ma*ing some head"ay.
(&a loo*s at me, her bro" raised as she says, ".on9t you thin* it-s "eird he-s still
drin*ing it? %ecause if it really is poisoned, don-t you thin* the fla&or must9&e changed?"
(nd 2ust li*e that, I begin to doubt.
I mean, "hat if I-m "rong?
0hat if this isn-t it at all?
0hat if .amen 2ust gre" tired of me, if e&eryone 2ust gre" tired of me, and 5oman has
nothing to do "ith it?
I grab a bottle and bring it to my lips, stopping only "hen (&a cries, "+ou-re not going to
drin* that, are you?"
%ut I 2ust shrug and ta*e a sip, figuring there-s only one "ay to *no" for sure if it-s
poisoned, and hoping one tiny taste "on-t do any harm. Ano"ing the second I taste it
"hy .amen didn-t notice a differencebecause there isn-t one. (t least not until the
aftertaste ma*es itself *no"n. "0ater'" I gasp, rushing to"ard the sin* and stic*ing my
head under the faucet, gulping all the tap "ater I can until that a"ful taste is diluted.
",hat bad?"
I nod, "iping my mouth "ith my slee&e. "0orse. %ut if you-&e e&er seen .amen drin* it,
you-d *no" "hy he didn-t notice. He gulps that stuff li*e" I start to say li*e a dying
man, but it hits too close to home. So I s"allo" hard and say, "<i*e someone "ho-s &ery
thirsty."
,hen I hand (&a the remaining bottles so she can set them beside the sin*, positioning
the poisoned ones along the edge, after pushing all the dirty dishes aside to ma*e
room. %oth of us "or*ing in such smooth seamless tandem I-&e barely gi&en the last
bottle to her, "hen I-m already bending do"n to retrie&e the "safe" bottles from my bag.
Ano"ing they-re safe since .amen last supplied me a fe" "ee*s ago, long before
5oman appeared. Intending to place them right "here the others once "ere, so .amen
"ill ne&er suspect I "as here.
"So "hat should I do "ith these old ones?" (&a as*s. ",hro" them out? 3r sa&e them
for e&idence?" (nd 2ust as I loo* up to ans"er, .amen "al*s through the side door and
says, "0hat the hell are you doing in my *itchen?"
Chapter Thirty-Four
I free1e. ,"o bottles of untainted bre" dangling half"ay bet"een the fridge and me.
5eali1ing I-d been so preoccupied "ith thin*ing about .amen that I forgot to tune in and
sense if he "as any"here near.
(&a gapes, her face displaying the same "ide8eyed, openmouthed mas* of sheer panic
I-m trying to hide.
,hen I loo* at .amen and clear my throat before saying, "It-s not "hat you thin*'"
0hich is pretty much the lamest, most ridiculous thing I could-&e said since it-s exactly
"hat he thin*s.
(&a and I bro*e into his house so "e could tamper "ith his food supply. $ure and
simple.
He drops his bag and mo&es to"ard me, his eyes focused on mine. "+ou ha&e no idea
"hat I9m thin*ing."
3h, but I do. 0incing at the horrible thoughts scrolling through his head, his mental
accusation of:
Stal*er' #rea*' (nd things far "orse than that.
"(nd ho" the hell did you e&en get in here?" he as*s, glancing bet"een us.
";m, Sheila let me in," I say, not /uite sure "hat to do "ith the bottle I still hold in my
hand.
( &ein throbs in his temple as he sha*es his head and clenches his fists, and I reali1e
I-&e ne&er seen him this angry before, didn-t e&en *no" he "as capable of it, and feel
pretty cruddy to *no" I inspired it.
"I-ll deal "ith Sheila," he says, his temper barely in chec*. "0hat I meant "as, "hat are
you doing in here? In my house? Messing around in my fridge"
His eyes narro". "0hat the hell do you thin* you9re up to?"
I glance at (&a, embarrassed to ha&e her "itness my one true lo&e tal*ing to me in this
"ay.
"(nd "hat-s up "ith her?" He points at (&a. "+ou bring your party psychic along to cast
some *ind of spell?"
"+ou remember that?" I lo"er the bottle to my side.
I-d been "ondering "hat he might-&e retained from our past, and e&en though it-s dumb,
the fact that he remembers meeting (&a fills me "ith hope. "+ou remember Hallo"een
night?" I "hisper, recalling the first time "e *issed, out by the pool, both of us dressed in
perfectly matching costumes of Marie (ntoinette and her lo&er, Count #ersen, "ithout
ha&ing planned it.
"+eah, I remember." He sha*es his head. "(nd I hate to brea* it to you, but it "as a
moment of "ea*ness that-ll ne&er happen again. 3ne you too* far too seriously. (nd
belie&e me, if I-d *no"n "hat a frea* you-d turn out to be, I "ouldn-t ha&e bothered. It
"asn-t "orth it."
I s"allo" hard and blin* bac* the tears. #eeling empty, hollo"ed out, my insides
exca&ated and tossed aside, as any chance of reclaiming our lo&ethe only thing that
ma*es this particular life "orth li&ingslips out of reach. (nd e&en though I remind
myself that those are 5oman-s "ords not histhat the real .amen isn-t capable of
treating anyone li*e thisit doesn-t ma*e it hurt any less.
".amen, please," I finally manage. "I *no" it loo*s bad. 5eally, I do. %ut I can explain.
+ou see, "e-re only trying to help you."
He loo*s at me, his ga1e so derisi&e it fills me "ith shame. %ut I force myself to
continue, *no"ing I at least ha&e to try. "Someone is trying to poison you." I s"allo",
meeting his eyes. "Someone you *no"." He sha*es his head, not buying a "ord of it.
Con&inced that I-m star* ra&ing mental and should be loc*ed up immediately.
"(nd this person responsible for poisoning me, this person I happen to *no", "ould
that, by any chance, be you?" He ta*es another step to"ard me. "%ecause you-re the
one brea*ing into my home. +ou re the one getting all up in my fridge and messing "ith
my drin*s. I thin* the e&idence spea*s for itself." I sha*e my head, tal*ing past the
searing heat in my throat "hen I say, "I *no" ho" it loo*s, but you-&e got to belie&e me'
It-s all true, I-m not ma*ing it up'" He ta*es another step closer, ad&ancing on me in a
"ay so intentional, so slo" and deliberate, it-s li*e he-s stal*ing his prey. So I decide to
2ust go for it, to let it all out. I mean, I-&e got nothing to lose any"ay. "It-s 5oman, o*ay?"
I suc* in my breath, "atching his expression change from accusatory to outraged.
"+our ne" friend 5oman is" I glance at (&a, *no"ing I can-t say "hat 5oman actually
isan immortal rogue set on *illing .amen for some reason I-&e yet to determine. %ut
it-s not li*e it matters any"ay. .amen has no memory of .rina or being immortal, he-s
so far gone he-d ne&er understand. "et out," he says, the loo* in his eyes so cold it
chills me more than the air flo"ing from his fridge. "et the hell out before I call the
police." I peer at (&a, seeing her pour the tampered contents do"n the drain the second
he ma*es the threat. ,hen I ga1e at .amen, grasping his phone, his index finger
already pressing the nine, follo"ed by the one, and then
I ha&e to stop him. ,here-s no "ay I can allo" him to complete that call. !o "ay I can
ris* getting the police in&ol&ed. So I stare into his eyes, e&en though he refuses to loo*
at me. I 2ust focus all of my energy on him, my thoughts reaching out to him, attempting
to meld and influence. Sho"ering him "ith the most compassionate lo&ing "hite light
along "ith a bou/uet of telepathic red tulips. (ll the "hile "hispering, "!o need for
trouble." I slo"ly bac* a"ay. "+ou don-t need to call anyone, "e-re lea&ing right no"."
Holding my breath as he stares at the phone, not understanding "hy he can-t seem to
press the last one.
He lifts his ga1e, and for the briefest moment, 2ust a flic*er really, the old .amen-s
returned. <oo*ing at me in the "ay that he used tosending a delicious "arm tingle all
o&er my s*in. (nd e&en though it-s gone 2ust as soon as it appearedI-ll happily settle
for "hate&er I get.
He tosses his phone onto the counter and sha*es his head. (nd *no"ing "e-d better
mo&e fast before my influence ends, I grab my bag and head for the door. ,urning 2ust
as he empties his cupboards and fridge of e&ery last bottle of 2uice. 5emo&ing their caps
and pouring their contents right do"n the drain, con&inced they-re not safe for
consumption, no" that I-&e tampered "ith them.
Chapter Thirty-Five
"0hat "ill happen no" that he no longer has the drin*? 0ill he get better or "orse?"
,hat-s the /uestion (&a as*ed as soon as "e got in my car. (nd the truth is, I had no
idea ho" to ans"er. I still don-t. So I didn-t say anything. I 2ust shrugged.
"I-m so sorry," she said, clasping her hands in her lap, loo*ing at me in a "ay that
pro&ed her sincerity. "I feel responsible."
%ut I 2ust shoo* my head. %ecause e&en though it "as *ind of her fault for "asting so
much time "hen she insisted on touring his house, I-m the one "ho came up "ith the
brilliant idea of brea*ing in. I-m the one "ho got so caught up in the tas* at hand I forgot
to *eep my eye on the door. So if anyone-s to blame, I am.
%ut e&en "orse than getting caught is *no"ing that in .amen-s eyes, I-&e gone from
being some "eird frea*y stal*er chic*, to a pathetic, delusional loser.
#ully con&inced I tried to spi*e his red bre" "ith some cra1y, blac* magic, &oodoo
concoction in hopes that he-d li*e me again.
%ecause that-s exactly "hat Stacia con&inced him of 2ust after he relayed the story. (nd
that-s exactly "hat he-s chosen to belie&e. In fact, it-s "hat the "hole school belie&es.
Including a fe" of my teachers.
0hich ma*es going to school an e&en more miserable experience than it "as before.
%ecause no", not only must I suffer through endless taunts of Spa1' <ooser' and 0itch'
but I-&e also been as*ed to stay after class by not one but no" t"o of my teachers.
,hough I can-t say Mr. 5obins-s re/uest came as much of a surprise. I mean, since "e-d
already had a little tal* about my supposed inability to mo&e on and build a life for
myself post8.amen, I can-t say I "as all that shoc*ed "hen he *ept me after class in
order to discuss the incident .
0hat did surprise me "as the "ay I reacted. Ho" /uic*ly I resorted to doing the one
thing I thought I-d ne&er doI la"yered up.
")xcuse me," I said, cutting him off before he could finish. !ot interested in any "ell8
meaning though ultimately boundary8crossing "relationship ad&ice" my ne"ly di&orced,
semi8alcoholic )nglish teacher "as prepared to dish out. "%ut the last time I chec*ed
this "as all 2ust a rumor. (n alleged e&ent "ith no e&idence to support it." I loo*ed at
him, meeting his eyes despite the fact I-d 2ust lied. I mean, "hile (&a and I "ere pretty
much caught red8handed, it-s not li*e .amen too* a picture. It-s not li*e there-s yet
another &ideo of me ma*ing the +ou,ube circuit. "So unless I-m officially charged and
tried" I paused to clear my throat, partly for dramatic effect and partly because I
couldn-t belie&e "hat I "as about to say next. "I shall remain innocent until pro&en
guilty." He bal*ed, preparing to spea*, but I "asn9t finished. "So unless you need to
discuss my beha&ior in this class, "hich you and I both *no" is exemplary, or my
grades, "hich happen to be more than exemplary, unless you-re interested in discussing
either one of those thingsI-m thin*ing "e-re pretty much done here."
#ortunately, Mr. Muno1 is a little easier. ,hough that-s probably because I-m the one
"ho approaches him. ,hin*ing my 5enaissance8obsessed history teacher is 2ust the
man to help me trac* do"n the name of a particular herb I need to ma*e the elixir. <ast
night, "hen I tried to research it on oogle, I reali1ed I had no idea "hat to put in the
search box. (nd "ith Sabine still "atching me li*e a ha"* e&en though I eat and drin*
and act as normal as I can, slipping off to Summerland, e&en for a fe" minutes, "as out
of the /uestion.
0hich ma*es Mr. Muno1 my last hopeor at least my most immediate hope. %ecause
yesterday, "hen .amen tossed all of those bottles do"n the drain, there "ent half of my
already meager supply. 0hich means I need to ma*e more. <ots more. !ot only to *eep
up my strength bet"een no" and the time "hen I lea&e, but I also need plenty left o&er
for .amen-s reco&ery.
(nd since he ne&er got around to gi&ing me the recipe, all I ha&e to go on is "hat I sa"
on that crystal "hen I "atched his father prepare the bre", naming all of the ingredients
out loud, before stopping to "hisper the &ery last one in his son-s ear, spea*ing so softly
there "as no "ay I could hear. %ut Mr. Muno1 turns out to be no help at all. (nd after
fut1ing around "ith a bunch of old boo*s and coming up "ith 1ilch, he loo*s at me and
says, ")&er, I-m afraid I can-t find the ans"er to this, but since you-re already here"
I raise my hand, bloc*ing his "ords from going any further than they already ha&e. (nd
e&en though I-m not proud of the "ay I handled Mr. 5obins, if Muno1 doesn-t bac* off,
he-ll get the same speech as "ell. ",rust me, I *no" "here you-re going." I nod, my
eyes right on his. "%ut you-&e got it all "rong. It-s not "hat you thin*" I stop, reali1ing
that as far as denials go, this one is turning out to be incredibly lame. I mean, I 2ust
alluded to the fact that "hile it might-&e occurredit didn-t occur in the "ay that he
thin*s. 0hich basically amounts to me pleading guiltybut "ith extenuating
circumstances. I sha*e my head, in"ardly rolling my eyes at myself, thin*ing: ood one,
)&er. Aeep it up and you "ill need Sabine to represent you.
(nd then he loo*s at me, and I loo* at him, and "e both sha*e our heads, mutually
agreeing to lea&e it at that, %ut 2ust as I grab my bag and start to lea&e, he reaches
to"ard me, his hand touching my slee&e, "hen he says, "Hang in there. It-ll all be o*ay."
(nd that-s all it ta*es. ,hat simple gesture is all I need to see that Sabine has been
fre/uenting Starbuc*s, 2ust about e&ery single day. ,he t"o of them en2oying a tentati&e
flirtation that, "hile it 6than*fully7 hasn-t mo&ed past a smile, Muno1 is definitely
anticipating the day "hen it "ill. (nd e&en though I *no" I ha&e to do "hate&er I can to
stop them from, od forbid, dating, at the moment, I don9t ha&e time to deal "ith it.
I sha*e off his energy and head out the door, barely ma*ing it into the hall before
5oman approaches, ad2usting his stride so it-s timed right to mine. <eering at me "hen
he says, "0as Muno1 any help?"
I *eep going, "incing "hen his cool breath hits my chee*.
"+ou-re running out of time," he says, his &oice as soft and soothing as a lo&er-s
embrace."It-s all mo&ing rather /uic*ly no", "ouldn-t you agree? (nd before you *no" it,
it-ll all be o&er. (nd then"ellthen there-s 2ust you and me."
I shrug, *no"ing that-s not exactly true. I &ie"ed the past. I sa" "hat happened in that
#lorentine church. (nd if I-m not mista*en, there are six immortal orphans /uite possibly
still roaming the earth. Six little urchins "ho could be 2ust about any"here by no"
pro&iding they made it. %ut if 5oman-s una"are of that fact, "ell, it-s hardly my place to
inform him. So I ga1e into his eyes, resisting the lure of those deep na&y blues, "hen I
say, "Ho" luc*y for me."
"(nd me." He smiles. "+ou-re going to need someone to help mend your bro*en heart.
Someone "ho understands you. Someone "ho *no"s 2ust "hat you really are." He
trails his finger do"n the length of my arm, his touch so shoc*ingly cold, e&en through
the cotton of my slee&e, I /uic*ly pull a"ay. "+ou *no" nothing about me," I say, my
eyes ra*ing his face. "+ou-&e underestimated me. If I "ere you, I-d be a little more
cautious about celebrating so soon. +ou-re a long "ay from "inning this one."
(nd e&en though I meant it as a threat, my &oice is far too sha*y to be ta*en seriously.
So I pic* up the pace, lea&ing his moc*ing laughter behind as I head for my lunch table
"here Miles and Ha&en are "aiting.
I slide onto the bench, smiling as I glance bet"een them. It feels li*e so long since "e
last hung out, the sight of them sitting here no" ma*es me ridiculously happy.
"Hey you guys," I say, unable to *eep the grin off my face, "atching as they glance first
at me, then at each other, nodding their heads in perfect unison as though this moment
"as rehearsed.
Miles sips his soda, a drin* he ne&er "ould-&e gone near before. His bright pin* nails
tapping the sides of the can as my stomach fills "ith dread. .ebating "hether or not to
tune in to their thoughts, *no"ing it9ll prepare me for "hate&er reason they-re here, but
deciding against it since I-d rather not hear it t"ice.
"0e need to tal*," Miles says. "It-s about .amen."
"!o," Ha&en cuts in, shooting Miles a loo* before retrie&ing her bag of carrot stic*s from
her purse, the 1ero8calorie signature lunch of the girls of the (8list.
"It-s about .amen and you."
"0hat-s there to tal* about? I mean, he-s "ith Stacia, and I-mdealing."
,hey glance at each other, exchanging a loo* that9s loaded but brief. "%ut are you
dealing?" Miles as*s.
"%ecause seriously, )&er, brea*ing into his house and messing "ith his food supply is
pretty t"isted. !ot exactly the actions of someone "ho-s mo&ing on "ith their life"
"So, "hat? +ou guys 2ust belie&e e&ery rumor you hear? (ll those months of friendship,
all those times you hung at my house, and you thin* I-m capable of that" I roll my eyes
and sha*e my head, refusing to go any further. I mean, if all I managed to get out of
.amen "as the most fleeting moment of recognition before it "as replaced "ith disdain,
"hen "e ha&e a bond that dates bac* centuries"hat can I hope to accomplish "ith
Miles and Ha&en "hom I-&e *no"n for less than a year?
"0ell, I really don-t see "hy .amen "ould ma*e all that up," Ha&en says, her eyes on
mine, her ga1e so harsh and 2udgmental I reali1e she didn-t actually come here to help.
%ecause "hile she may act as though she-s got only my best interests at heart, the truth
is, she-s en2oying my fall. (fter losing .amen to me, after seeing ho" 5oman continues
to chase me e&en after she-s made her interest clear, she-s happy to see me *noc*ed
do"n. (nd the only reason she-s deigning to sit by me no" is so she can loo* me in the
eye "hile she gloats.
I ga1e do"n at the table, surprised by ho" much it hurts. %ut I try not to 2udge or hold it
against her. I *no" all too "ell "hat it-s li*e to feel 2ealous, and there-s nothing rational
about it. "+ou need to let it go," Miles says, sipping his drin*, though his eyes ne&er
lea&e mine. "+ou need to let go and mo&e on."
")&eryone *no"s you-re stal*ing him," Ha&en says, co&ering her mouth "ith nails
painted the color of ballet slippers as opposed to her usual blac*. ")&eryone *no"s you
bro*e into his house t"icethat "e *no" of. Seriously, you-re out of control, you-re
acting insane."
I ga1e do"n at the table, "ondering ho" much longer the assault "ill continue.
"(ny"ay, as your friends, "e 2ust "ant to con&ince you that you need to let go. +ou
need to bac* off and mo&e on. %ecause the truth is, your beha&ior is creepy, not to
mention..."
Ha&en drones on, hitting all the bullet points I-m sure they agreed upon before they
approached me. %ut I stopped listening after she said as your friends.
0anting to hang on to that and re2ect all the rest, e&en though it-s no longer true.
I sha*e my head and loo* up, seeing 5oman sitting at the lunch table "ith his ga1e
fixed on mine. ,apping his "atch, then pointing at .amen in a "ay so ominous, so
threatening, I spring from my seat.
<ea&ing Ha&en-s &oice fading behind me li*e a distant hum as I race for my car,
chastising myself for "asting my time "ith this stuff "hen there are far more important
things to be done.
Chapter Thirty-Six
I-m through "ith school. .one "ith sub2ecting myself to that unbearable gauntlet of
torture each day. I mean, "hat-s the point of going "hen I-m getting no"here "ith
.amen, taunted by 5oman, and lectured by teachers and pseudo "ell8meaning ex8
friends? %esides, if things "or* out in the "ay that I hope, then I-ll soon be bac* at my
old school in 3regon, li&ing my life as though this ne&er existed. So there-s really no
point in putting myself through that again.
I head do"n %road"ay, "ea&ing my "ay through pedestrian traffic before mo&ing on to
the canyon, hoping to go someplace /uiet "here I can ma*e the portal appear "ithout
scaring any unsuspecting shoppers. !ot remembering until I-&e already par*ed that this
is the same place "here my first sho"do"n "ith .rina occurreda sho"do"n that
resulted in my first &isit to Summer8land "hen .amen pro&ided the "ay.
I hun*er do"n in my seat, imagining that golden &eil of light ho&ering before me and
landing right in front of the reat Hall of <earning. %arely ta*ing the time to notice its
magnificent e&er8changing facade before rushing into the grand marble hall "ith my
thoughts focused on t"o things:
Is there an antidote to sa&e .amen?
(nd ho" do I locate the secret herb, the final ingredient needed to prepare the elixir?
5epeating the /uestions again and again as I "ait for the door"ay to the a*ashic
records to appear
%ut getting nothing.
!o globes. !o crystal sheets. !o "hite circular rooms or hybrid ,=s.
!othing. !ada . !ien.
4ust a soft &oice behind me saying, "It-s too late."
I turn, expecting to see 5omy but finding 5ayne there instead. #ollo"ing behind as I roll
my eyes and ma*e for the door, eager to put some distance bet"een us as she echoes
those same "ords again.
I don-t ha&e time for this. I don-t ha&e time to decipher a bunch of cryptic nonsense from
the "orld-s creepiest t"in. %ecause e&en though there-s no concept of time in
Summerland "here e&erything happens in a constant state of no", I *no" for a fact that
the time I spend here "ill be duly noted bac* home. 0hich means I need to *eep going,
*eep mo&ing for"ard, heading do"n the street as fast as I can until her &oice turns to a
"hisper. Ano"ing I need to sa&e .amen before I turn bac* time and go home. (nd if the
ans"ers aren-t herethen I-ll loo* some"here else.
I start running. ,urning into the alley"ay 2ust as I-m o&ercome by such sudden
excruciating pain, I crumple to the ground. My fingers clamped to my temples, my head
aching as though it-s being stabbed from all sides, as a s"irl of images unfold in my
mind. ( series of s*etches, one turning into the next li*e pages in a boo*, follo"ed by a
detailed description of "hat it includes. (nd I-&e 2ust made it to the third page "hen I
reali1e these are instructions for ma*ing the antidote to sa&e .amen, including herbs
planted during the ne" moon, rare crystals and minerals I-&e ne&er heard of, sil*
pouches embroidered by ,ibetan mon*sall of it needing to be carefully assembled in
a series of &ery precise steps before soa*ing up the energy of the next full moon.
(nd 2ust after I-m sho"n the exact herb needed to complete the immortal elixir, my head
clears as though it ne&er happened. So I reach for my bag, fumbling for a scrap of
paper and a pen, 2otting do"n the final step "hen (&a appears. "I made the portal'" she
says, her face lighting up as her eyes meet mine. "I didn-t thin* I could do it, but this
morning "hen I sat do"n for my usual meditation, I thought: 0hat could it hurt to gi&e it
a try? (nd the next thing I *ne" "
"+ou-&e been here since morning?" I say, ta*ing in her beautiful dress, designer shoes,
hea&y gold bracelets, and 2e"el8adorned fingers. ",here-s no time in Summerland," she
scolds. "Maybe so, but bac* home it-s past noon," I tell her, "atching as she sha*es her
head and fro"ns, refusing to get bogged do"n in the tedious rules of the earth plane.
"0ho cares? 0hat could I possibly be missing? ( long line of clients "anting me to tell
them they9re about to become extremely rich and famous despite all e&idence to the
contrary?" She closes her eyes and sighs. "I-m tired of it, )&er. ,ired of the grind. %ut
here, e&erything-s so "onderful, I thin* I might stay'"
"+ou can-t," I say, /uic*ly, automatically, though I9m not sure it-s true.
"0hy not?" She shrugs, lifting her arms to the s*y and t"irling around and around. "0hy
can-t I stay here? i&e me one good reason."
"%ecause" I start, "ishing I could 2ust lea&e it at that, but since she-s not a child I-m
forced to come up "ith something better. "%ecause it-s not right," I finish, hoping she-ll
hear me. "+ou ha&e "or* to do. 0e all ha&e "or* to do. (nd hiding out here is li*e
cheating."
"Says "ho?" She s/uints. "+ou telling me all of these people are dead?"
I ga1e around, ta*ing in the cro"ded side"al*s, the long line for the mo&ie theaters and
*arao*e bars, reali1ing I ha&e no idea ho" to ans"er. I mean, 2ust ho" many of them
are li*e (&atired, fed8up, disillusioned souls "ho-&e found their "ay here and decided
to drop out from the earth plane and ne&er return? (nd ho" many of them ha&e died
and refused to cross o&er li*e 5iley once did? I loo* at (&a again, *no"ing I-&e no right
to tell her "hat to do "ith her life, especially "hen I remember "hat I-&e chosen to do
"ith mine. ,hen I reach for her hand and smile "hen I say, "0ell, at the moment, I need
you. ,ell me e&erything you *no" about astrology."
Chapter Thirty-Seven
"So?" I lean to"ard (&a, elbo"s pressed against the tabletop, trying to *eep her focused
on me as opposed to the sights and sounds of Saint8ermain.
"I *no" that I-m an (ries." She shrugs, her eyes preferring the 5i&er Seine, the $ont
!euf, the )iffel ,o"er, the (rc de ,riomphe, and the !otre .ame cathedral 6"hich, in
this &ersion of $aris, are all lined up in a ro"7, to me.
"Is that it?" I stir my cappuccino, "ondering "hy I e&en bothered to order it from the
cartoonli*e garcon "ith the curlicue mustache, "hite shirt, and blac* &est, since it-s not
li*e I ha&e any intention of drin*ing it.
She sighs, turning to loo* at me "hen she says, ")&er, can-t you 2ust relax and en2oy the
&ie"? 0hen "as the last time you "ere in $aris any"ay?"
"!e&er," I say, rolling my eyes in a "ay she can-t miss.
"I-&e ne&er been to $aris. (nd I hate to brea* it to you, (&a, but this" I ta*e a moment
to gesture around, pointing at the <ou&re, "hich is placed right next to $rintemps
department store, "hich is next to the Musee d-3rsay, "is not $aris. ,his is li*e some
cran*ed up .isney &ersion of $aris. <i*e, you-&e ta*en a pile of tra&el brochures and
#rench postcards, and scenes from that adorable cartoon mo&ie 5atatouille, mixed
them all together and &oila , created this. I mean, did you see the "aiter? .id you notice
ho" his tray *ept tipping and t"irling but ne&er once fell? I doubt the real $aris has
"aiters li*e that." %ut e&en though I-m acting li*e the biggest party pooper e&er, (&a 2ust
laughs. S"inging her "a&y auburn hair o&er her shoulder as she says, "0ell, for your
information, this is exactly as I remember it. Maybe these monuments "eren-t all lined
up in a ro", but it-s so much nicer li*e this. I did attend the Sorbonne you *no". In fact,
did I e&er mention the time "hen I"
",hat-s great, (&a. 5eally," I say. "(nd I-d lo&e to hear all about it if I "asn-t running out
of time' So, "hat I meant to as* "as, "hat do you *no" about astrology or astronomy
or "hate&er it is that in&ol&es the &arious moon cycles?"
She brea*s off a piece of baguette and butters the side, saying, "Can you be more
specific?"
I reach into my poc*et and retrie&e the folded8up paper I scribbled on right after my
&ision, s/uinting at her as I say, "3*ay, "hat exactly is a ne" moon and "hen does it
occur?"
She blo"s on her coffee, peering at me "hen she says, ",he ne" moon occurs "hen
both the sun and moon are in con2unction. Meaning that "hen you-re loo*ing at it from
the earth plane, they both seem to occupy the same part of the s*y. (nd because of
that, the moon doesn-t reflect the light of the sun, "hich also means it can-t be seen
because its dar* side is facing the earth."
"%ut "hat does it mean ? Is it symbolic of something?"
She nods, brea*ing off another piece of baguette "hen she says, "It-s a symbol for ne"
beginnings. +ou *no", re2u&enation, rene"al, hopestuff li*e that. It-s also a good time
to ma*e changes, drop bad habitsor e&en bad relationships." She gi&es me a pointed
loo*.
%ut I 2ust ignore that and mo&e on, *no"ing she-s referring to .amen and me, ha&ing no
idea that I-m not 2ust planning to end it, I-m planning to erase it. %ecause as much as I
lo&e him, as much as I can-t imagine a future "ithout him, I truly belie&e it-s the best
thing for e&eryone. !one of this e&er should-&e happened. 0e ne&er should-&e
happened. It-s unnatural, not right, and no" it-s my 2ob to put it all bac*.
"So "hen does that happen in relation to the full moon?" I as*, "atching as she co&ers
her mouth "hen she che"s.
",he full moon occurs around t"o "ee*s after the ne" moon. It-s "hen the moon
reflects the maximum amount of light from the sun, "hich, from the earth plane, ma*es
it appear full. 0hen in reality, it-s al"ays full since it-s not li*e it goes any"here. 3h, and
as far as symbols go? +ou "ant to *no" that right?" She smiles. ",he full moon is all
about abundance, completeness, a sort of ripening of things into their full po"ers. (nd
since the moon-s energy is strongest at this point, it-s also full of magic* po"er."
I nod, trying to digest e&erything she 2ust said, and forming the smallest in*ling of
understanding for "hy these phases are so important for my plan.
"(ll the moon-s phases are symbolic of something."
(&a shrugs. ",he moon plays a po"erful role in ancient lore and is said to control the
tides. (nd since our bodies are mostly made up of "ater, some say it controls us too.
.id you *no" that the "ord lunatic comes from the <atin "ord for moon, "hich is luna?
3h, and don-t forget the "ere"olf legendit-s all about the full moon'"
In"ardly, I roll my eyes. ,here are no such things as "ere"ol&es, &ampires, or demons
only immortals, and the immortal rogues "ho are determined to *ill them.
"Can I as* "hy you-re as*ing all this?" she says, draining the last of her espresso and
pushing the cup aside.
"In a minute," I say, my "ords clipped, terse, far less con&ersational than hers. %ut
unli*e her, I-m not &acationing in $aris, I-m merely tolerating the &ie" to get to the
ans"ers I need. "3ne last thing, "hat-s so special about a full moon during l-heure
bleue, or blue hour as it-s called?"
She loo*s at me, her eyes "ide, her &oice breathless "hen she says, ".o you mean the
blue moon?" I shrug, remembering ho" the moon "as so blue in the image it practically
blended "ith the s*y. ,hen figuring it "as someho" symbolic of an actual blue moon
"ith the "ay its color pulsated and shimmered, I say, "+eah. %ut the blue moon
specifically during the blue hour, "hat do you *no" about that?" She ta*es a deep
breath, ga1ing into the distance as she says, ",he mainstream thought is that the
second full moon in a month constitutes a blue moon. %ut there-s another, more esoteric
school of thought that says the true blue moon occurs "hen there are t"o full moons
occurring not necessarily "ithin the same month, but "ithin the same astrological sign.
It-s regarded as a &ery holy day, one "hen the connection bet"een the dimensions is
&ery potent, ma*ing it an ideal time for meditation, prayer, and mystical 2ourneys. It-s
said that if you harness the blue moon energy during I-heure bleue, then all sorts of
magic* can occur. ,he only limitations, as usual, are your o"n."
She loo*s at me, "ondering "hat I-m up to, but I-m not ready to share that 2ust yet. ,hen
she sha*es her head and says, "%ut 2ust so you *no", a genuine blue moon is &ery rare,
only coming around e&ery three to fi&e years."
My stomach t"ists as my hands grip the sides of my chair. "(nd do you *no" "hen the
next blue moon "ill occur?" 0hile thin*ing: $lease let it be soon, please let it be soon'
#eeling li*e I-m about to pu*e and *eel o&er simultaneously "hen she sha*es her head
and says, "I ha&e no idea."
%ut of course' ,he most important thing I need to *no" is the one thing she doesn-t
*no".
",hough I *no" ho" "e can find out." She smiles.
I sha*e my head, 2ust about to inform her that as far as I can tell, my access to the
a*ashic records has 2ust been re&o*ed, "hen she closes her eyes and a moment later a
sil&er iMac appears.
"oogle, anyone?" She laughs, pushing it to"ard me.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
)&en though I fell li*e an idiot the second (&a manifested that laptop 6I mean, duh, "hy
didn-t I thin* of that?7, "e did get our ans"er fairly /uic*. ,hough unfortunately, it "asn-t
the good ne"s I "as hoping for.
In fact, it "as anything but.
4ust "hen e&erything "as coming together, seeming li*e it "as destined to beit all fell
apart the second I learned that the blue moon, that rarest of full moons that only comes
around e&ery three to fi&e years, "hich also 2ust so happens to be my one and only
"indo" for time tra&el, has its next scheduled appearance tomorro".
"I still can-t belie&e it," I say, climbing out of my car "hile (&a feeds the meter from a
neat stac* of /uarters cupped in the palm of her hand. "I thought it "as 2ust another full
moon, I didn-t *no" there "as a difference, or that they-re so rare. I mean, "hat am I
supposed to do?"
She snaps her "allet shut and loo*s at me. "0ell, from "hat I can see, you ha&e three
choices."
I press my lips together, not sure I "ant to hear any of them.
"+ou can do nothing at all and 2ust sit bac* and "atch "hile e&erything you lo&e and
care about completely falls apart, you can choose to handle 2ust one thing at the cost of
all the others, or you can tell me 2ust exactly "hat is going on here so I can see if I can
help."
I ta*e a deep breath and loo* at her standing before me, bac* in her usual outfit of
faded 2eans, sil&er rings, a "hite cotton tunic, and bro"n leather flip8flops.
(l"ays there, al"ays a&ailable, al"ays "illing to help me, e&en "hen I don-t reali1e I
need it.
)&en bac* "hen I "as being dismissi&e 6and if I-m gonna be honestmore than a little
mean7, (&a "as right there, "aiting for me to come around, ne&er once holding my bad
attitude against me, ne&er once turning her bac* or shunning me in the "ay I shunned
her. It-s li*e she-s been standing by all this time, "aiting to step in as my psychic big
sister. (nd no", she-s pretty much the only one I ha&e leftthe only one I can count on
the only one "ho comes close to *no"ing the real meincluding most of my secrets.
(nd in light of e&erything I 2ust learned, I-&e no choice but to tell her. ,here-s no "ay I
can go it alone li*e I-d hoped.
"3*ay." I nod, con&incing myself it-s not 2ust the right thing to do, but the only thing to do.
"Here-s "hat I need you to do."
(nd as "e head do"n the street, I tell her "hat I sa" that day on the crystal. Managing
to explain as much as I can "hile a&oiding the I "ordhonoring my promise to .amen
that I-ll ne&er di&ulge our immortality. ,elling (&a that .amen "ill need the antidote so
that he can get better, follo"ed by his "special red energy drin*" so he can rebuild his
strength. )xplaining that I-m faced "ith a choice bet"een being "ith the lo&e of my life,
or sa&ing four li&es that "ere ne&er meant to end. So by the time "e-re standing outside
the shop "here she "or*s, the shop I-&e passed many times before but s"ore I-d ne&er
entershe loo*s at me, her mouth opening as if to say something, before clamping shut
again. 5epeating this scenario a fe" more times until she-s finally able to mumble, "%ut
tomorro"' )&er, can you lea&e that soon?"
I shrug, my stomach sin*ing "hen I hear it spo*en out loud. %ut *no"ing I can-t "ait
another three to fi&e years, I nod "ith more assurance than I feel "hen I loo* at her and
say, "(nd that-s exactly "hy I need you to help me "ith the antidote, then find a "ay to
get it to him along "ith the elix" I pause, hoping I ha&en-t aroused her suspicions,
trying to reco&er "hen I say, " that red energy drin*so that he can get better. I
mean, no" that you *no" ho" to get inside his house, I-m thin*ing you can find a "ay
to, I don-t *no", spi*e his drin* or something," I say, *no"ing it sounds li*e the "orst
plan e&er, but determined to see that it "or*s. "(nd then, "hen he-s better"hen the
old .amen returnsyou can explain e&erything that-s happened, and gi&e him thethe
red drin*." She loo*s at me "ith an expression so conflicted I-m not sure ho" to read it,
so I forge straight ahead. "I *no" it probably seems li*e I-m choosing against himbut
I-m not. 5eally I-m not. In fact, there-s a good chance that none of this "ill e&en be
necessary. ,here-s a good chance that "hen I go bac* to ho" I "as, e&erything else "ill
go bac* too."
"Is that "hat you sa"?" she as*s, her &oice soft, gentle.
I sha*e my head. "!o, it-s 2ust a theory, though I thin* it ma*es sense. I mean, I can-t
imagine it any other "ay. So all of this stuff I-m telling you no" is 2ust a precaution since
it "on-t e&en be necessary. 0hich means you "on-t remember this con&ersation since it
"ill be li*e it ne&er occurred. In fact, you "on-t ha&e any recollection of ha&ing *no"n
me. %ut 2ust in case I-m "rong"hich I-m pretty sure I-m notbut 2ust in case I am, I
need to ha&e a plan in placeyou *no", 2ust in case," I mumble, "ondering "ho I-m
trying to con&ince, me or her.
She grabs hold of my hand, her eyes full of compassion "hen she says, "+ou-re doing
the right thing. (nd you-re luc*y. !ot many people get the chance to go bac*."
I loo* at her, my lips cur&ing into a grin. "!ot many?"
"0ell, no one I can thin* of offhand." She smiles.
%ut e&en though "e both laugh, "hen I loo* at her again my &oice is serious "hen I say,
"Seriously, (&a, I can9t bear for anything to happen to him. I mean, I-dI-d 2ust die if I
someho" found out that it didand that it "as my fault..."
She s/uee1es my hand and opens the shop door, leading me inside as she "hispers,
".on-t "orry. +ou can trust me."
I follo" her past shel&es cro"ded "ith boo*s, a "all of C.s, and an entire corner
dedicated to angel figurines, before passing a machine that claims to photograph auras
as "e head for a counter "here an older "oman "ith a long gray braid is reading a
boo*.
"I didn-t reali1e you "ere on the schedule today?"
She sets do"n her no&el and glances bet"een us.
"I-m not." (&a smiles. "%ut my friend )&er here"
She nods her head to"ard me. "She needs the bac*room."
,he "oman studies me, ob&iously trying to glimpse my aura and get a feel for my
energy, then shooting (&a a /uestioning loo* "hen she conies a"ay empty. %ut (&a 2ust
smiles and nods in consent, signaling that I-m "orthy of access to the "bac* room,"
"hate&er that is.
")&er?" the "oman says, her fingers creeping to"ard her nec*, "orrying the tur/uoise
pendant that hangs at her collarbone.
( stone that, as I recently learned in my brief study of minerals and crystals on the iMac
in Summerland, has been used for amulets meant to heal and protect for hundreds of
years. (nd "ith the "ay she 2ust said my name, and by the suspicious loo* on her face,
it-s not li*e I need to access her mind to *no" that she-s "ondering if she might need
protection from me. She hesitates, glancing bet"een (&a and me, then focusing solely
on me as she says, "I-m <ina." ,hat-s it. Mo handsha*e, no "elcoming hug. She 2ust
states her name and then ma*es for the door, flipping the sign that hangs there from
3$)!' to %) %(CA I! CE' ,hen motioning for us to follo" her do"n a short hall "ith a
shiny purple door at the end.
"Can I as* "hat this is about?" She rummages in her poc*et for a set of *eys, still
undecided as to "hether or not she-ll be letting us in.
(&a nods at me, signaling that it-s my turn to ta*e it from here. So I clear my throat and
cram my hand into the poc*et of my recently manifested 2eans "hose hems, than*fully,
still reach the floor. 5etrie&ing the crumpled8up piece of paper as I say, "I um, I need a
fe" things." 0incing "hen <ina snatches it out of my hand and loo*s it o&er. Stopping to
lift a bro", grunt something unintelligible under her breath, and scrutini1e me some
more.
(nd 2ust "hen it seems she-s about to turn me a"ay, she thrusts the list bac* into my
hand, unloc*s the door, and "a&es us both into a room that I didn-t expect.
I mean, "hen (&a told me this "as the place that "ould ha&e "hat I need, I "as more
than a little ner&ous. I "as sure I-d be thrust into some creepy hidden basement filled
"ith all manner of strange, scary, ritualistic stuff, li*e &ials of cat blood, se&ered bat
"ings, shrun*en heads, =oodoo dollsstuff li*e you see in mo&ies or on ,=. %ut this
room is nothing li*e that. In fact, it pretty much loo*s li*e your a&erage, more or less
"ell8organi1ed storage closet. 0ell, except for the bright &iolet "alls punctuated by
hand8car&ed totems and mas*s. 3h, and the goddess paintings propped against the
o&erstuffed shel&es sagging "ith hea&y old tomes and stone deities. %ut the file cabinet
is pretty standard issue. (nd "hen she unloc*s a cupboard and starts rummaging
around, I try to pee* o&er her shoulder, but I can-t see a thing until she-s handing me a
stone that seems "rong in e&ery "ay.
"Moonstone," she says, noting the confusion on my face.
I stare at it, *no"ing it doesn-t loo* li*e it should, and e&en though I can-t explain it,
something about it feels off. (nd not "anting to offend her since I-&e no doubt she
"ouldn-t hesitate to e&ict me, I s"allo" hard, scre" up my courage, and say, ";m, I
need one that-s ra" and unpolished, in its absolute purest formthis one 2ust seems a
little too smooth and shiny for my needs."
She nods, almost imperceptibly, but still it-s there. 4ust the briefest tilt of her head and
curl of her lips before she replaces it "ith the stone that I as*ed for. ",hat-s it," I say,
*no"ing I 2ust passed her test. a1ing at a moonstone that-s not nearly as shiny or
pretty but "ill hopefully do "hat it-s intended to, "hich is aid in ne" beginnings. "(nd
then I-m gonna need a /uart1 crystal bo"l, one that-s been tuned to the se&enth cha*ra,
a red sil* pouch embroidered by ,ibetan mon*s, four polished rose /uart1 crystals, one
small starno, staur8o8lite? Is that ho" you say it?" I loo* at her 2ust in time to see her
nod "3h, and the biggest ra" 1oisite you-&e got." (nd "hen <ina 2ust stands there "ith
her hands on her hips, I *no" she-s "ondering ho" all of these seemingly random items
can possibly fit together. "3h, and a chun* of tur/uoise, probably li*e the si1e of the one
you-re "earing," I say, motioning to"ard her nec*.
She loo*s me o&er, gi&ing me a crisp, perfunctory nod, before turning her bac* and
gathering the crystals. 0rapping them up so casually you-d thin* she "as bagging
groceries at 0hole #oods.
"3h, and here-s a list of herbs," I say, reaching into my other poc*et and retrie&ing a
crumpled sheet of paper, "hich I then hand to her. "$referably planted during the ne"
moon and tended by blind nuns in India," I add, ama1ed "hen she 2ust ta*es the list and
nods "ithout flinching.
"Can I as* "hat this is for?" she as*s, her eyes on mine.
%ut I 2ust sha*e my head. I "as barely able to tell (&a, and she-s a good friend. So
there-s no "ay I-m telling this lady, no matter ho" grandmotherly she may seem.
";m, I-d rather not say." I shrug, hoping she-ll respect that and get on "ith it since
manifesting these items "on9t "or*, it-s imperati&e they spring from their original source.
0e loo* at each other, our ga1es fixed, un"a&ering.
(nd e&en though I plan to stand my ground for as long as it ta*es, it-s not long before
she brea*s a"ay and starts riffling through the filing cabinet, her fingers flipping past
hundreds of pac*ets as I say, "3h, and one more thing."
Searching through my bac*pac* for my s*etch of the rare, hard8to8find herb that "as oft
used in 5enaissance #lorence. ,he final ingredient needed to bring the elixir to life.
Handing it to her as I as*, ".oes this loo* familiar?"
Chapter Thirty-Nine
0ith all of our ingredients gathered"ell, e&erything but the spring "ater, extra8&irgin
oli&e oil, long "hite tapered candles 6"hich, oddly, <ina "as out of, considering they
"ere pretty much the most normal thing I re/uested7, orange peel, and the photo of
.amen I didn-t expect her to ha&e"e return to my car.
(nd I-m 2ust unloc*ing the door "hen (&a says, "I thin* I-ll "al* home from here since
I-m 2ust around the corner."
"+ou sure?"
She spreads her arms "ide as though embracing the night. Her lips cur&ing into a grin
as she says, "It-s so nice out, I 2ust "ant to en2oy it."
"(s beautiful as Summerland?" I as*, "ondering "hat9s brought on this sudden fit of
happiness, considering ho" serious she "as in <ina-s bac* room.
She laughs, her head thro"n bac*, her pale nec* exposed, le&eling her ga1e on mine
"hen she says, ".on-t "orry. I-&e no plans to drop out of society and mo&e there full
time. It-s 2ust nice to ha&e the access "hen I need a little escape."
"4ust be careful not to &isit too much," I tell her, echoing the same "arning .amen once
ga&e to me.
"Summerland-s addicti&e," I add, "atching as she hugs her arms to her body and
shrugs, *no"ing I-&e "asted my "ords since it-s ob&ious she-ll be bac* as soon and as
often as she can.
"So, you-&e got e&erything you need?"
I nod and lean against the car door. "(nd the rest I9ll pic* up on my "ay home."
"(nd you-re sure you-re ready?" She loo*s at me, her face dra"n and serious again.
"+ou *no", lea&ing all of this? <ea&ing .amen?"
I s"allo" hard, preferring not to thin* about that. I9d rather *eep busy, focus on one tas*
at a time, until tomorro" comes around and it-s time to say good8bye.
"%ecause once something-s done, it can-t be undone."
I shrug, meeting her ga1e as I say, "(pparently that9s not true." 0atching as she tilts her
head to the side, her auburn hair blo"ing into her face before she captures the strands
and tuc*s them bac* behind her ear.
"%ut "hat you-re returning to"ell, you reali1e you-ll be normal again. +ou "on-t ha&e
access to such *no"ledge, you-ll be completely una"areare you sure you "ant to
return to all that?" I ga1e do"n at the ground, *ic*ing a small roc* instead of loo*ing at
her. "<isten, I-m not gonna lie. (ll of this is happening so much /uic*er than I expected
and I hoped to ha&e more time toto finali1e things. %ut ultimatelyyeah, I thin* I-m
ready." I pause, replaying the "ords I 2ust said and *no"ing they didn-t con&ey "hat I
meant. "I mean, I *no" I-m ready. In fact, I-m definitely ready. %ecause putting
e&erything bac* in its place and returning it to the "ay it should be"ellit feels li*e
the right thing to do, you *no"?" (nd e&en though I didn-t mean for it to happen, my
&oice rose at the end, ma*ing it sound more li*e a /uestion than the statement I
intended it to be. So I sha*e my head and say, "0hat I meant "as, it9s absolutely,
positi&ely, one hundred percent the right thing to do." (dding, "I mean, "hy else "as I
granted access to those records?"
(&a loo*s at me, her ga1e steady, un"a&ering.
"%esides, do you ha&e any idea ho" excited I am to be "ith my family again?"
She reaches for me, hugging me tightly to her chest, "hispering, "I-m so happy for you.
5eally I am. (nd e&en though I-m going to miss you, I-m honored to *no" you trust me
enough to finish the 2ob."
"I-&e no idea ho" to than* you," I murmur, my throat feeling tight.
%ut she 2ust smooths her hand o&er my hair "hen she says, "%elie&e me, you already
ha&e."
I pull a"ay and ga1e all around, ta*ing in this glorious night in this charming beach
to"n, hardly belie&ing I9m about to "al* a"ay from it all. ,urning my bac* on Sabine,
Miles, Ha&en, (&a.amenall of ite&erythingas though it ne&er existed.
"+ou o*ay?" she as*s, her &oice gentle and smooth as she reads my expression.
I nod, clearing my throat and motioning to"ard the small purple paper bag at her feet,
the shop-s name of mystics P moonbeams printed in gold. "+ou sure you-&e got it all
clear, about ho" to handle the herbs? +ou need to *eep them in a cool dar* place, and
you don-t crush them or add them to the red 2uiceuntil the &ery last daythe third
day."
".on-t "orry." She laughs. "0hat-s not in here," she pic*s up the bag and clutches it to
her chest, "is in here." She points at her temple and smiles. I nod, blin*ing bac* tears I
refuse to indulge, *no"ing this is only the beginning of a series of good8byes. "I-ll stop
by your house tomorro" and drop off the rest," I say. "4ust in case you end up needing
it, though I doubt that you "ill." ,hen I slide into my car, start the engine, and pull a"ay.
Heading do"n 3cean "ithout "a&ing good8bye, "ithout once loo*ing bac*. Ano"ing my
only choice no" is to loo* to"ard the future and focus on that.
(fter stopping by the store to pic* up the rest of the items, I haul the bags up to my
room and dump their contents onto my des*. 5iffling through piles of oils and herbs and
candles, eager to get to the crystals since they-re going to re/uire the most "or*. (ll of
them needing to be indi&idually programmed according to type, before being placed in
the embroidered sil* pouch and set outside "here they can absorb as much moonlight
as possible, "hile I manifest a mortar and pestle 6"hich I forgot to pic* up at the store,
but since it-s only a tool and not an actual ingredient, I figure it should be o*ay to 2ust
manifest one7, so I can pul&eri1e some of those herbs and get them all boiling in some
6also manifested7 bea*ers, before mixing in all of the other irons and minerals and
colorful po"ders that <ina poured into small glass 2ars "hich she carefully labeled. (ll of
this needing to be completed in se&en precise steps that commence "ith the ringing of
the crystal bo"l that-s been specifically tuned to &ibrate to the se&enth cha*ra so it may
pro&ide inspiration, perception beyond space and time, and a "hole host of other things
that connect "ith the di&ine. (nd as I loo* at the heap of ingredients piled high before
me, I can-t help but feel a small surge of excitement, *no"ing it-s finally all coming
together after loads of false starts.
,o say I "as "orried about being able to find this stuff all in one place is putting it mildly.
It "as such an odd and &aried list, I "asn-t e&en sure if those items existed, "hich *ind
of made me feel doomed before I-d started. %ut (&a assured me not only that <ina could
deli&er but that she could also be trusted. (nd "hile I-m still not so sure about that last
part, it-s not li*e I had any"here else to turn. %ut the "ay <ina *ept s/uinting at me, her
ga1e narro"ing on mine as she gathered the po"ders and herbs, started to set me on
edge. (nd "hen she held up the s*etch I-d dra"n and said, "0hat exactly are you
practicing here? Is this some sort of alchemy?"
I "as sure I-d made a colossal mista*e. (&a glanced at me and "as 2ust about to step in
"hen I shoo* my head and forced a laugh as I said, "0ell, if you mean alchemy in its
truest sense of mastering nature, a&erting chaos, and extending life for an indeterminate
amount of time"a definition I9d recently memori1ed after researching the term"then
no, I-m afraid my intentions aren-t any"here near that grand. I-m 2ust trying out a little
"hite magic*hoping to cast a spell that "ill get me through finals, get me a date for
prom, and maybe e&en clear up my allergies, "hich are about to go hay"ire since it-s
nearly spring and I don-t "ant my nose to be all red and drippy for prom pictures, you
*no"?"
(nd "hen I sa" ho" that failed to con&ince her, especially the part about the allergies, I
added, "0hich is "hy I need all that rose /uart1, since, as you *no", it-s supposed to
bring lo&e, oh and then the tur/uoise" I pointed at the pendant she "ore. "0ell, you
*no" ho" it-s famous for healing, and ..." (nd e&en though I "as prepared to go on and
on, reciting the full list of things I-d learned merely an hour before, I decided to cut it right
there and end "ith a shrug.
I un"rap the crystals, ta*ing great care as I cradle them each in the palm of my hand,
closing my fingers around them, and picturing a brilliant "hite light permeating straight
through to their core, performing the all8important "cleansing and purifying" step, "hich,
according to "hat I read online, is merely the first stage in programming the stones. ,he
second is to as* them 6out loud'7 to soa* up the moon-s po"erful energy so they can
pro&ide the ser&ice nature intended them for.
",ur/uoise," I "hisper, glancing at the door, ma*ing sure that it-s closed all the "ay,
imagining ho" embarrassing it "ould be for Sabine to barge in and catch me cooing to
a pile of roc*s."I as* that you heal, purify, and help balance the cha*ras as nature
intended you to do." ,hen I ta*e a deep breath and infuse the stone "ith the energy of
my intentions before slipping it into the bag and reaching for the next, feeling ridiculous
and more than a little hot*ey, but *no"ing I-&e no choice but to continue. I mo&e on to
the polished rose /uart1, pic*ing them up indi&idually and infusing them "ith "hite light,
before repeating four separate times, "May you bring unconditional lo&e and infinite
peace." .ropping them each into the red sil* bag, "atching as they settle around the
tur/uoise before reaching for the staurolitea beautiful stone belie&ed to be formed
from the tears of fairies, and as*ing it to pro&ide ancient "isdom, good luc*, and to help
connect to the other dimensions, before mo&ing on to the large chun* of 1oisite, and
holding it in both of my hands. (fter cleansing it "ith "hite light, I close my eyes and
"hisper, "May you transmute all negati&e energies to positi&e ones, may you aid in
connecting to the mystical realms, and may you"
")&er? Can I come in?"
I glance at the door, *no"ing there-s 2ust an inch and a half of "ood separating me from
Sabine. ,hen I ga1e at the pile of herbs, oils, candles, and po"ders, along "ith the roc*
I-m tal*ing to in my hand. "(nd please aid in reco&ery, illness, and "hate&er else it is
that you do'" I "hisper, barely getting the "ords out before I-m sho&ing it in the bag.
3nly it "on-t fit. ")&er?"
I sho&e it again, trying to 2am it in there, but the opening-s so small and the stone-s so
big it-s not going to happen "ithout ripping the seams. Sabine *noc*s again, three firm
raps meant to inform me that she *no"s I-m in here, *no"s I-m up to something, and
that her patience is nearing its end. (nd e&en though I don-t ha&e time to chat, I-m left
"ith no choice but to say, ";m, 2ust a sec'" #orcing the stone inside as I run out to my
balcony and drop it on a small table "ith the best &ie" of the moon, before rushing bac*
in and going into a full8blo"n meltdo"n "hen Sabine *noc*s again and I ta*e in the
state of my roomloo*ing at it as she might see it, and *no"ing there-s no time to
change it. ")&er? (re you o*ay?" she calls, "ith e/ual parts annoyance and concern.
" +eahI 2ust" I grab hold of the hem of my ,8shirt and yan* it o&er my head, turning
my bac* to"ard the door as I say, ";m, you can come in no"I-m 2ust" (nd the
moment she enters, I slide it bac* on. #a*ing a sudden bout of modesty, as though I
can-t bear for her to see me changing "hen I-&e ne&er cared much before. "I-mI "as
2ust changing," I mumble, seeing her bro"s merge as she loo*s me o&er, sniffing the air
for the remnants of pot, alcohol, clo&e cigarettes, or "hate&er her latest teen8rearing
boo* has "arned her against. "+ou got something on your" She motions to"ard the
front of my shirt. "Somethingred that"ellthat probably "on-t come out." She t"ists
her mouth to the side as I ga1e do"n at the front of my ,8shirt, seeing it mar*ed by a big
strea* of red and immediately recogni1ing it as the po"der I need for the elixir. Ano"ing
its bag must ha&e lea*ed "hen I see ho" it-s spilled all o&er my des* as "ell as the floor
underneath.
reat. 0ay to appear as though you "ere 2ust changing into a clean shirt' I thin*,
mentally rolling my eyes as she approaches my bed, perches herself on the edge and
crosses her legs, her cell phone in hand. (nd all it ta*es is one loo* at the ha1y reddish
gray glo" of her aura to *no" that the concerned loo* on her face has less to do "ith
my apparent lac* of clean clothes and more to do "ith memy strange beha&ior, my
gro"ing secrecy, my food issuesall of "hich she-s con&inced lead to something more
sinister.
(nd I-m so focused on ho" I might go about explaining those things that I fail to see it
coming "hen she says, ")&er, did you ditch school today?"
I free1e, "atching as she stares at my des*, ta*ing in the mess of herbs and candles
and oils and minerals and all *inds of other "eird stuff she-s not used to seeingor at
least not all grouped together li*e thatli*e they ha&e a purposeli*e the arrangement
is far less random than it seems.
";m, yeah. I had a headache. %ut it-s no big deal." I plop onto my des* chair and s"i&el
bac* and forth, hoping to distract her from the &ie".
She glances bet"een the great alchemical experiment and me, and is 2ust about to
spea* "hen I say, "0ell, I mean, it-s no big deal no" that it-s gone. ,hough belie&e me,
it "as at the time. I got one of my migraines. +ou *no" ho" I get those sometimes?"
I feel li*e the "orld-s "orst niecean ungrateful liaran insincere babbler of nonsense.
She has no idea ho" luc*y she is to be rid of me soon.
"Maybe it-s because you-re not eating enough." She sighs, *ic*ing off her shoes and
studying me closely as she says, "(nd yet, in spite of that, you seem to be gro"ing li*e
a "eed. +ou-re e&en taller than you "ere a fe" days ago'"
I ga1e do"n at my an*les, shoc*ed to see that my ne"ly manifested 2eans ha&e crept
up an inch since this morning, "0hy didn-t you go to the nurse-s office if you "eren-t
feeling "ell? +ou *no" you-re not allo"ed to 2ust run off li*e that."
I ga1e at her, "ishing I could tell her not to s"eat it, to not "aste another second
"orrying about it since it-ll be o&er "ith soon. %ecause as much as I-m going to miss
her, there-s no doubt her life "ill impro&e. She deser&es better than this. .eser&es
better than me. (nd it-s nice to *no" she-ll soon ha&e some peace. "She-s *ind of a
/uac*," I say. "( real aspirin pusher, and you *no" ho" that ne&er "or*s for me. I 2ust
needed to come home and lie do"n for a "hile, it-s the only thing that e&er "or*s. So, I
2ustleft."
"(nd did you?" She leans to"ard me. "Come home I mean?" (nd the moment our eyes
meet, I *no" it-s a challenge. I *no" it-s a test.
"!o." I sigh, staring do"n at the carpet as I "a&e my "hite flag. "I dro&e do"n to the
canyon and 2ust"
She "atches me, "aiting.
"(nd I 2ust got lost for a "hile." I ta*e a deep breath and s"allo" hard, *no"ing that-s as
close to the truth as I can get.
")&er, is this about .amen?"
(nd the moment my eyes meet hers, I can-t hold bac*, I 2ust burst into tears.
"3h dear," she murmurs, her arms opening "ide as I spring from my chair and tumble
right in. Still so unused to my long gangly limbs, I-m clumsy and a"*"ard and nearly
*noc* her to the floor.
"Sorry," I say. "I" %ut I-m unable to finish. ( ne" rush of tears o&erta*es me, and I-m
sobbing again.
She stro*es my hair as I continue to cry, murmuring, "I *no" ho" much you miss him. I
*no" ho" hard this must be."
%ut the second she says it, I pull a"ay. #eeling guilty for acting as though this is 2ust
about .amen "hen the truth is it-s only partly about him. It-s also about missing my
friendsin <aguna and in 3regon. (nd about missing my lifethe one I-&e built here
and the one I-m about to return to. %ecause e&en though it9s ob&ious that they-ll be
better off "ithout me, and I mean e&eryone, including .amen, that still doesn9t ma*e it
any easier.
%ut it has to be done. ,here-s really no choice.
(nd "hen I thin* of it li*e that, "ell, it does ma*e it easier. %ecause the truth is,
"hate&er the reason, I9&e been gi&en an ama1ing, once in a lifetime opportunity.
(nd no" it-s time to go home.
I 2ust "ish I had a little more time for good8byes.
(nd "hen the thought of that brings a ne" rush of tears, Sabine holds me tighter,
"hispering "ords of encouragement, as I cling to her, held in the cocoon of her arms
"here e&erything feels safeand "armand rightand secure.
<i*e it-s all going to "or* out 2ust fine.
(nd as I burro" closer, my eyes closed, my face buried in the place "here her shoulder
meets her nec*, my lips mo&e softly, silently, saying good8bye.
Chapter Forty
I "a*e up early. I guess since it-s the last day of my life, or at least the last day of the life
I-&e built here, I-m eager to ma*e the most of it. (nd e&en though I-m sure I-ll be greeted
"ith a full8on chorus of the usual Spa1' <ooser' and the more recent 0itch' , *no"ing
it-s the last time I-ll be sub2ected to that ma*es all the difference.
(t Hillcrest High 6the school I-m returning to7, I-&e got tons of friends. 0hich ma*es
sho"ing up Monday through #riday a lot more appealing, if not fun. (nd I don-t
remember e&er once being tempted to ditch 6li*e I am pretty much all the time here7,
and I "asn-t depressed about not fitting in.
(nd to be honest, I thin* that-s "hy I-m so eager to return. %ecause other than the
ob&ious thrill of being "ith my family again, ha&ing a good group of friends "ho both
lo&e and accept me, and "ho I can be myself "ithma*es the decision that much
easier.
( decision I "ouldn-t e&en stop to thin* t"ice about if it "eren-t for .amen.
%ut e&en though I can-t /uite "rap my mind around the fact that I9ll ne&er see him again
"ill ne&er *no" the touch of his s*in, the heat of his ga1e, or the feel of his lips upon
mineI-m still "illing to gi&e it all up.
If it means reclaiming the old me and returning to my familythen there-s really no
choice.
I mean, .rina *illed me so she could ha&e .amen to herself. (nd .amen brought me
bac* so he could ha&e me to himself. (nd as much as I lo&e him, as much as my "hole
heart aches at the thought of ne&er seeing him again, I *no" no" that the moment he
returned me to life, he messed "ith the natural order of things. ,urning me into
something I "as ne&er meant to be.
(nd no" it-s my 2ob to put it all bac*.
I stand before my closet and reach for my ne"est 2eans, a blac* =8nec* s"eater, and
my ne"ish ballet flats2ust li*e I "ore in the &ision I sa". ,hen I run my fingers through
my hair, s"ipe on some lip gloss, insert the tiny diamond stud earrings my parents
bought me for my sixteenth birthday 6since they-ll definitely notice if they-re missing7,
along "ith the crystal horseshoe bracelet .amen ga&e me that has no place in the life
I-m returning to, but there-s no "ay I-m remo&ing it.
,hen I grab my bag, ga1e around my ridiculously big room one last time, and head out
the door. )ager to get one final pee* at a life I didn-t al"ays en2oy and most li*ely "on-t
e&en remember, but still needing to say some good8byes and set a fe" things straight
before I-m gone for good.
,he second I pull into the school par*ing lot, I start scanning for .amen. Searching for
him, his car, anything, any little nugget, "hate&er I can get. 0anting to see as much of
him as I can, "hile I can. (nd feeling disappointed "hen I don-t find him. I par* my car
and head to class, guarding against frea*ing out, 2umping to conclusions, and
o&erreacting 2ust because he-s not here yet %ecause e&en though he-s becoming
increasingly normal as the poison slo"ly chips a"ay at the progress of hundreds of
years, from the "ay he loo*ed yesterdaystill gorgeous, still sexy, and not at all
beginning to ageI-m guessing roc* bottom is still days a"ay.
%esides, I *no" he-ll sho" up e&entually. I mean, "hy "ouldn-t he? He-s the undisputed
star of this school. ,he best loo*ing, the "ealthiest, the one "ho thro"s the most
ama1ing partiesor at least that-s "hat I hear. He practically gets a standing o&ation
2ust for sho"ing up. (nd tell me, "ho could resist that? I mo&e among the students,
ga1ing at all the people I ne&er e&en spo*e to, and "ho barely spo*e to me oilier than to
yell something mean. (nd "hile I-m sure they "on-t miss me, I can-t help but "onder if
they-ll e&en notice I-m gone. 3r, if it-ll all turn out li*e I thin*I go bac*, they go bac*,
and the time I spent here amounts to less than a blip on their screen. I ta*e a deep
breath and head into )nglish, bracing myself to see .amen "ith Stacia, but finding her
sitting alone instead. I mean, she-s gossiping "ith Honor and Craig as usual, but
.amen-s no"here in sight. (nd as I pass her on the "ay to my seat, ready for 2ust about
anything she might toss in my path, I-m met only by silence, a stolid refusal to e&en
ac*no"ledge me, much less try to trip me, "hich fills me "ith dread and unease.
(nd after ta*ing my seat and settling in, I spend the next fifty minutes glancing bet"een
the cloc* and the door, my anxiety gro"ing "ith each passing moment. Imagining all
manner of horrible scenarios until the bell finally rings and I bolt for the hall. (nd by
fourth period "hen he still hasn-t sho"n, I-m headed for a full8blo"n panic attac* "hen I
"al* into history class and find 5oman gone too.
")&er," Mr. Muno1 says, as I stand beside him, gaping at 5oman-s empty seat as my
stomach fills "ith dread. "+ou-&e got a lot of catching up to do." I glance at him, *no"ing
he "ants to discuss my attendance, my missed assignments, and other irrele&ant topics
I don-t need to hear. So I run out the door, racing through the /uad and right past the
lunch tables before I stop on the curb, gasping in relief "hen I see him. 3r not him, but
rather his car. ,he slee* blac* %M0 he used to pri1e so much, that-s no" coated in a
thic* layer of dirt and grime and par*ed rather a"*"ardly in the no8par*ing 1one.
Still, despite its filthy state, I ga1e at it as though it-s the most beautiful thing I-&e e&er
seen. Ano"ing that if his car-s here, then he-s here. (nd all is o*ay. (nd 2ust as I-m
thin*ing I should try to mo&e it so it doesn-t get to"ed a"ay, a throat clears from behind
me and a deep &oice says, ")xcuse me, but aren-t you supposed to be in class?"
I turn, my ga1e meeting $rincipal %uc*ley-s "hen I say, ";m, yeah, but first I 2ust ha&e to
" I motion to"ard .amen-s poorly par*ed %eemer as though I-m doing a fa&or not 2ust
for my friend but for the sa*e of the school as "ell.
%ut %uc*ley-s less concerned "ith par*ing &iolations and more concerned "ith repeat
truancy offenders li*e me. (nd still smarting from our last unfortunate encounter "hen
Sabine pleaded my case from expelled to suspended, he s/uints as he loo*s me o&er
and says, "+ou-&e got t"o choices. I can call your aunt and as* her to lea&e "or* so she
can come do"n here, or" He pauses, trying to *ill me "ith suspense e&en though you
don-t ha&e to be psychic to *no" "here this is going. "3r I can escort you bac* to class.
0hich "ould you prefer?"
#or a moment, I-m tempted to choose option one2ust to see "hat he-d do. %ut in the
end, I follo" him bac* to my class. His shoes pounding the cement as he leads me
across the /uad and do"n the hall before depositing me at Mr. Muno1-s door "here my
ga1e lands on 5oman "ho-s not only occupying his seat but sha*ing his head and
laughing as I slin* bac* to"ard mine.
(nd e&en though Muno1 is used to my erratic beha&ior by no", he still ma*es a point of
calling on me. (s*ing me to ans"er all manner of /uestions regarding historical e&ents
including those that "e9&e studied and those that "e ha&en-t. (nd my mind is so
preoccupied "ith 5oman and .amen and my upcoming plans that I 2ust ans"er
robotically, seeing the ans"ers he holds in his head and repeating them pretty much
&erbatim.
So "hen he says, "So tell me, )&er, "hat did I ha&e for dinner last night?"
I automatically say, ","o pieces of lefto&er pi11a and a glass and a half of Chianti." My
mind is so ensconced in my o"n personal dramas it-s a moment before I notice he-s
gaping.
In fact, e&eryone-s gaping.
0ell, e&eryone but 5oman "ho 2ust sha*es his head and laughs e&en harder.
(nd 2ust as the bell rings and I try to bolt for the door, Muno1 steps before me and says,
"Ho" do you do it?"
I press my lips together and shrug as though I-&e no clue "hat he-s tal*ing about.
,hough it-s clear he-s not about to let it go, he-s been "ondering for "ee*s.
"Ho" do you *no" stuff-?" he says, his eyes narro"ed on mine. "(bout random
historical facts "e9&e ne&er once studiedabout me?"
I ga1e do"n at the ground and ta*e a deep breath, "ondering "hat it could hurt to thro"
him a bone. I mean, I-m lea&ing tonight, and chances are he-ll ne&er remember this
any"ay, so "hat harm could it do to tell him the truth?
"I don-t *no"." I shrug. "It-s not li*e I do anything. Images and information 2ust appear in
my head."
He loo*s at me, struggling "ith "hether or not to belie&e. (nd not ha&ing the time or
desire to try to con&ince him, but still "anting to lea&e him "ith something nice, I say,
"#or instance, I *no" you shouldn-t gi&e up on your boo* because it-s going to be
published someday."
He gapes, his eyes "ide, his expression "a&ering bet"een "ild hope and complete
disbelief. (nd e&en though it *ills me to add it, e&en though the "hole idea ma*es me
"ant to hurl, I *no" there-s something more that needs to be said, it-s the right thing to
do. %esides, "hat could it hurt? I mean, I-m lea&ing any"ay, and Sabine deser&es to get
out and ha&e a little fun. (nd other than his penchant for 5olling Stones boxers, %ruce
Springsteen songs, and his obsession "ith 5enaissance timeshe seems harmless.
!ot to mention ho" it-s not going to go any"here any"ay since I specifically sa" her
getting together "ith a guy "ho "or*s in her building "Her name is Sabine," I say, before
I ha&e a chance to o&er thin* it and change my mind. ,hen seeing the confusion in his
eyes, I add, "+ou *no", the petite blonde at Starbuc*s? ,he one "ho spilled her latte all
o&er your shirt? ,he one you can-t stop thin*ing about?"
(nd "hen he loo*s at, me, it-s clear that he-s speechless. (nd preferring to lea&e it li*e
that, I gather my stuff and head to"ard the door, glancing o&er my shoulder to say, "(nd
you shouldn-t be afraid to tal* to her. Seriously. 4ust suc* it up and approach her
already. +ou-ll find she-s really nice."
Chapter Forty-One
0hen I exit the room, I half expect to find 5oman "aiting for me "ith that same taunting
gleam in his eye. %ut he-s not. (nd "hen I get to the lunch tables, I *no" "hy.
He-s performing. 3rchestrating e&eryone around him, directing e&erything they say and
doli*e a band leader, a puppet master, a big8top circus ring leader. (nd 2ust as the hint
of something nudge sat the bac* of my mind, 2ust as an in*ling of insight begins to ta*e
shapeI see him.
.amen.
,he lo&e of e&ery single one of my li&es, no" stumbling to"ard the lunch table, so
unstable, so dishe&eled and haggard, there-s no mista*ing that things ha&e progressed
at an alarming rate. 0e are running out of time.
(nd "hen Stacia turns, ma*es a face, and hisses, "<oo8ser'" I-m stunned to reali1e the
taunt is not meant for me.
It-s directed at .amen.
(nd in a matter of seconds, the "hole school 2oins in.
(ll of the derision once reser&ed 2ust for me is no" directed at him.
I glance at Miles and Ha&en, "atching as they add their &oices to the chorus, then I rush
to"ard .amen, alarmed to find his s*in so clammy and cold, those once high
chee*bones no" alarmingly gaunt, and those deep dar* eyes that once held such
promise and "armth, no" "atery and rheumy and barely able to focus. (nd e&en
though his lips are horribly dry and crac*ed, I still feel an undeniable longing to press
mine against them. %ecause no matter "hat he loo*s li*e, no matter ho" much he-s
changed, he-s still .amen. My .amen. +oung or old, healthy or sic*, it doesn9t matter.
He-s the only one I-&e e&er really cared aboutthe only one I-&e e&er lo&edand
nothing 5oman or anyone else does can e&er change that.
"Hey," I "hisper, my &oice crac*ing as my eyes fill "ith tears. ,uning out the shrill taunts
that surround us as I focus solely on him. Hating myself for turning my bac* long
enough to allo" this to happen, *no"ing he ne&er "ould-&e let this happen to me.
He turns to"ard me, his eyes struggling to focus, and 2ust "hen I thin* I-&e captured a
glimmer of recognitionit-s gone so fast I-m sure I imagined it.
"<et-s get out of here," I say, tugging on his slee&e, trying to pull him alongside me.
"0hat do you say "e ditch?" I smile, hoping to remind him of our usual #riday routine.
4ust reaching the gate "hen 5oman appears.
"0hy do you bother?" he says, his arms folded, head coc*ed to the side, allo"ing his
3uroboros tattoo to flash in and out of &ie".
I grip .amen-s arm and narro" my ga1e, determined to get past 5oman "hate&er it
ta*es.
"Seriously, )&er." He sha*es his head, glancing from .amen to me. "0hy "aste your
time? He-s old, feeble, practically decrepit, and, I-m sorry to say, but from the loo*s of
things, not long for this earth. Surely you-re not planning to "aste your s"eet young
nectar on this dinosaur?"
He loo*s at me, blue eyes bla1ing, lips cur&ing, glancing at the lunch table 2ust as the
shrill of taunts hits the next le&el. (nd 2ust li*e that I *no".
,he idea that-s been nudging me, po*ing around the edges, and trying to get my
attention, has finally been heard. (nd e&en though I-m not sure if I-m right, and *no"ing
I-ll ha&e no choice but to slin* off in shame if I-m "rong, I ta*e in the cro"d, my eyes
mo&ing from Miles to Ha&en to Stacia to Honor to Craig to e&ery single *id "ho-s 2ust
going through the motions, follo"ing along, doing "hat e&eryone else says and does
"ithout once stopping to /uestion, "ithout once as*ing "hy.
,hen I ta*e a deep breath, close my eyes, and focus all of my energy on them "hen I
shout:
"0(A) ;$'''"
,hen I stand there, far too ashamed to loo* no" that all of their derision has s"itched
from .amen to me. %ut I can-t let that stop me, I *no" 5oman-s performed some sort of
mass hypnosis, putting them into some *ind of mindless trance "here e&eryone-s doing
his bidding.
")&er, please. Sa&e yourself "hile you still can."
5oman laughs. ")&en I can-t help you if you insists on continuing."
%ut I don-t listen to himcan-t listen. I ha&e to find a"ay to stop himto stop them' I-&e
got to find a "ay to "a*e them all up, get them to snap out of it
Snap.
,hat-s it' I-ll 2ust snap my fingers and
I ta*e a deep breath, close my eyes, and yell as loud as I can:
"S!($ 3;, 3# I,'"
0hich only results in my classmates going "ild, their ridicule hitting the next le&el as a
profusion of soda cans are hurled at my head.
5oman sighs, loo*ing at me "hen he says, ")&er, really. I insist. +ou-&e got to stop this
madness, no"' +ou-re ma*ing a bloody fool of yourself if you thin* that-ll "or*' 0hat-re
you gonna do next, slap all their chee*s?"
I stand there, my breath coming in short shallo" gasps, *no"ing I-m not "rong, despite
"hat he says.
I-m sure he-s got them spellbound, hi2ac*ed their minds by some *ind of trance
(nd then I remember this old documentary I once sa" on ,=, "here the hypnotist
brought the patient bac* not by slapping or snapping but by clapping on the count of
three.
I ta*e a deep breath, "atching as my classmates climb on top of the table and benches,
the better to pelt me "ith their uneaten food. (nd I *no" it-s my last chance, that if this
doesn-t "or*"ellI don-t *no" "hat I "ill do.
So I close my eyes, and yell:
"0(A) ;$'"
,hen I count from three to one and clap my hands t"ice at the end.
(nd then
(nd thennothing.
,he "hole school goes silent as they slo"ly come to.
,hey rub their eyes, blin*ing, ya"ning, and stretching as though a"a*ening from a &ery
long nap. a1ing around in confusion, "ondering "hy they-re on top of the table "ith
the &ery same people they once deemed as frea*s.
Craig is the first to react. #inding himself so close to Miles their shoulders practically
touch, he bolts for the far end. 5eassuring himself "ith the company of his fello" 2oc*s,
reclaiming his manhood "ith a punch on the arm.
(nd "hen Ha&en stares at her carrot stic*s "ith a loo* of absolute disgust, I can-t help
but smile, *no"ing the big happy family is bac* to their normal routine of name8calling,
eye8rolling, and snubbing each other in fa&or of their usual cli/ues, returned to a "orld
"here animosity and loathing still rule.
My school is bac* to normal again.
I turn to"ard the gate, prepared to ta*e 5oman do"n, but he-s already gone. So I grip
.amen tighter, easing him across the par*ing lot and into my car as Miles and Ha&en,
the t"o best friends I-&e missed so much and "ill ne&er see again, follo" along.
"+ou guys *no" I lo&e you, right?" I glance bet"een them, *no"ing they-ll frea*, but it
has to be said.
,hey loo* at each other, exchanging a loo* of alarm, both of them "ondering "hat
could-&e possibly happened to the girl they once pegged as the Ice Queen.
";m, o*ay ..." Ha&en says, sha*ing her head.
%ut I 2ust smile and grasp them both to me, s/uee1ing them tightly as I "hisper to Miles,
"0hate&er you do don-t stop acting or singing, it-s going to bring you"
I stop, "ondering if I should tell him ho" I 2ust sa" a flash of bright lights and %road"ay,
but not "anting to rob him of the 2ourney by al"ays loo*ing ahead, I say, "It-s going to
bring you great happiness."
(nd before he can e&en respond, I-&e mo&ed on to Ha&en, *no"ing I ha&e to get this
o&er "ith /uic*, so I can get .amen to (&a-s, but determined to find a "ay to urge her to
lo&e herself more, to stop losing herself in others, and that 4osh is "orth hanging on to
for ho"e&er long it lasts. "+ou ha&e so much &alue," I tell her. "So much to gi&eI 2ust
"ish you could see ho" bright your star truly does shine."
";m, gag'" she says, laughing as she untangles herself from my grip. "(re you o*ay?"
She s/uints bet"een me and .amen. "(nd "hat-s up "ith him? 0hy-s he all hunched
o&er li*e that?"
I sha*e my head and climb inside, ha&ing no more time to "aste. (nd as I bac* out of
my space, I loo* out my "indo" and say, "Hey, do you guys *no" "here 5oman li&es?"
Chapter Forty-Two
I ne&er imagined I-d be grateful for my sudden gro"th spurt and ne"ly bulging biceps,
but it-s because of my ne" si1e and strength 6not to mention .arnell-s emaciated state7
that I practically carry him all the "ay from my car to (&a-s front door in 2ust a handful of
steps. Supporting his body as I *noc* on her door, fully prepared to brea* it do"n if I
ha&e to, but glad "hen she ans"ers and "a&es us both in. I head for the hall as .amen
stumbles along "ith me, pausing 2ust outside the indigo door and gaping at (&a "hen
she hesitates to open it.
"If your room is as sacred and pure as you thin* it is, then don-t you thin* that "ill only
help .amen? .on-t you thin* he needs all the positi&e energy he can get?" I say,
*no"ing she-s conflicted about admitting the "contaminated" energy of a sic* and dying
man, "hich is 2ust so ridiculous I hardly *no" "here to begin. She loo*s at me, holding
my ga1e far longer than my diminishing patience "ould prefer, and "hen she finally
gi&es in, I barrel right past her, getting .amen settled on the futon in the corner and
co&ering his body "ith the "ool thro" she *eeps nearby. ",he 2uice is in my trun*, along
"ith the antidote," I say, tossing her the *eys. ",he 2uice "on-t be any good for another
t"o days, but he should be much better tonight, "hen the full moon rises and the
antidote is ready. (nd then you can gi&e him the 2uice later, to help rebuild his strength.
)&en though he probably "on-t e&en need it since it-ll all re&erse any"ay. %ut still2ust
in case" I nod, "ishing I felt half as confident as I sound.
"(re you sure this-ll "or*?" she as*s, "atching as I pull my &ery last bottle of elixir from
my bag. "It has to." I ga1e at .amen, so pale, so "ea*, so old. (nd yet, he-s still
.amen. ,races of his ama1ing beauty still present, marred only slightly by the
acceleration of years resulting in his sil&er hair, his nearly translucent s*in, the fan of
"rin*les surrounding his eyes. "It-s our only hope," I add, "a&ing her a"ay as I drop to
my *nees, the door closing behind me as I smooth his hair off his face and gently force
him to drin*.
(t first he fights it, thrashing his head from side to side and *eeping his mouth firmly
closed. %ut "hen it-s clear that I-m not about to gi&e up, he gi&es in.
(llo"ing the li/uid to flo" do"n his throat as his s*in "arms and his color returns.
)mptying the bottle and ga1ing at me "ith such lo&e and re&erence, I-m o&ercome "ith
2oy 2ust to *no" that he-s bac*.
"I missed you," I murmur, nodding and blin*ing and s"allo"ing hard, my heart bursting
"ith yearning as I press my lips to his chee*. (ll the pent8up emotions I-&e fought so
hard to *eep in chec* all this time, no" rushing to the surface, bubbling o&er, as I *iss
him again and again. "+ou-re going to be o*ay," I tell him.
"+ou-re going to be bac* to your old self &ery soon."
My sudden burst of happiness "ithering li*e a popped balloon as his ga1e turns dar*
and s"eeps o&er my face.
"+ou left me," he "hispers.
I sha*e my head, "anting him to *no" it-s not true. I ne&er left himhe left mebut it
"asn-t his fault and I forgi&e him. I forgi&e him for e&erything he-s e&er doneor said
e&en though it-s already too latee&en though it doesn-t really matter anymore %ut
instead I 2ust say, "!o. I ha&en-t. +ou-&e been ill. =ery ill. %ut it-s o&er "ith no" and soon
you-ll be better. +ou 2ust ha&e to promise to drin* the antidote "hen" 0hen (&a gi&es
it to you the "ords I can-t bear to say, "on-t say, not "anting him to *no" that this is
our last moment togetherour final good8bye. "(ll you need to *no" is that you-re going
to be fine. %ut you need to "atch out for 5oman. He-s not your friend. He-s e&il. He-s
trying to *ill you. So you must regain your strength so you can ta*e him do"n." I press
my mouth to his forehead, his chee*, unable to stop until I-&e co&ered his entire face
"ith my *iss. ,asting my o"n salty tears on the cur&e of his lips, as I breathe him in,
hoping to imprint his scent, his taste, the feel of his s*in, "anting to carry the memory of
him "here&er I go.
%ut e&en after I tell him I lo&e hime&en after I lie do"n beside him, pull him into my
arms, and press his body to minee&en after I remain there for hours, lying right
alongside him as he sleepse&en after I close my eyes and concentrate on melding my
energy "ith his, hoping to heal him "ith my lo&e, my essence, my &ery being, trying to
impress some small part of myself onto hime&en after all of thatthe moment I mo&e
a"ay, he says it again.
(n accusation from his dream state, intended only for me.
"+ou left me."
!ot reali1ing until I-&e said my final good8bye and closed the door behind me, that he-s
not referring to the past.
He-s prophesying our future.
Chapter Forty-Three
I head do"n the hall and into the *itchen, my heart hea&y, my legs "ooden, and e&ery
step a"ay from .amen 2ust ma*es it "orse.
"+ou o*ay?" (&a as*s, standing at the sto&e, bre"ing some tea. (s though all of those
hours didn-t 2ust pass.
I sha*e my head and lean against the "all, unsure ho" to ans"er, unable to spea*.
%ecause the truth is, o*ay is pretty much the last thing I feel. )mpty, hollo", bereft,
a"ful, depressedyes. %ut o*ay ? !ot so much.
%ut that-s because I-m a criminal. ( traitor. I-m the "orst *ind of person you could e&er
hope to meet. (ll of the times I tried to imagine that scene, tried to imagine ho" my last
moment "ith .amen "ould be, I ne&er once thought it "ould end li*e that.
I ne&er once thought I-d stand accused. )&en though I clearly deser&e to be.
"+ou don-t ha&e much time." She ga1es at the cloc* on her "all, then at me. "0ould you
li*e some tea before you lea&e?"
I sha*e my head, *no"ing I-&e a fe" things still to tell her, and a fe" more stops to ma*e
before I go for good.
"So you *no" "hat to do?" I as*, seeing her nod as she brings her cup to her lips.
"%ecause I-m trusting you, (&a. If this doesn-t "or* out in the "ay that I thin*, if the only
tiling that goes bac* is me, then you-re my only hope." My ga1e loc*s on hers, needing
her to understand 2ust exactly ho" serious this all is. "+ou-&e got to ta*e care of .amen,
he-she doesn-t deser&e any of this, and" My &oice crac*s as I press my lips together
and a&ert my ga1e. Ano"ing I-&e got to go on, that there-s still more to say, but needing
a moment before I can. "(nd "atch out for 5oman. He-s good8loo*ing and charming,
but it-s all a facade. Inside, he-s e&il, he tried to *ill .amen, he-s responsible for "hat
he-s become."
".on-t "orry." She mo&es to"ard me. ".on-t "orry about a thing. I got the stuff out of
your trun*, the antidote is in the cupboard, the 2uice isfermenting, and I-ll add the herb
on the third day li*e you said. !ot that "e-ll e&en need it, since I-m sure e&erything "ill
go exactly as planned."
I loo* at her, seeing the sincerity in her eyes, relie&ed that at least I-m able to lea&e
things in her capable hands.
"So you 2ust get yourself o&er to Summerland, and I-ll ta*e care of the rest," she says,
pulling me into her arms and hugging me tightly to her chest. "(nd "ho *no"s? Maybe
someday you-ll find yourself in <aguna %each and "e-ll meet all o&er again?"
She laughs "hen she says it and I "ish I could laugh along "ith her, but I can-t. ,he
"eird tiling about saying good8bye is that it ne&er gets any easier.
I pull a"ay, nodding in place of "ords, *no"ing that to say anything more "ill ma*e me
brea* do"n completely. %arely managing to ee* out a ",han*s," before I-m already at
the door.
"+ou-&e nothing to be than*ing me for," she says, follo"ing behind. "%ut, )&er, are you
sure you don-t "ant to pee* in on .amen, 2ust one last time?"
I turn, my hand on the door*nob, considering, but only for a moment before I ta*e a
deep breath and sha*e my head. Ano"ing there-s no use in prolonging the ine&itable,
and far too afraid to ris* seeing the accusation on his face.
"0e-&e already said good8bye," I say, stepping onto the porch and mo&ing to"ard my
car. "%esides, I don-t ha&e much time. ,here-s still one last stop I need to ma*e."
Chapter Forty-Four
I turn onto 5oman-s street, par* in his dri&e, rush to"ard the door, and *ic* it right do"n.
0atching the "ood crac* and splinter as it teeters from its hinges and s"ings open
before me, hoping to catch him off guard, so I can punch all of his cha*ras and be done
"ith him for good.
I creep inside, my eyes darting around, ta*ing in "alls the color of eggshells, ceramic
&ases filled "ith sil* flo"ers, poster8si1ed prints of all the usual suspects=an ogh-s
,he Starry !ight, usta& Alimt-s ,he Aiss, and an o&ersi1ed rendition of %otticelli-s ,he
%irth of =enus framed in gold and hanging right o&er the mantel. (ll of it appearing so
surprisingly normal, I can-t help but "onder if I-&e got the "rong house.
I expected grit, edge, a post8apocalyptic pad "ith blac* leather couches, chrome tables,
an abundance of mirrors, and confusing artsomething slee*er, hipper, anything but
this chint18ridden fuss palace that-s nearly impossible to imagine someone li*e 5oman
li&ing in.
I tour the house, chec*ing e&ery room, e&ery closet, e&en under the bed. %ut "hen it-s
clear he-s not home, I head straight for his *itchen, find his supply of immortal 2uice, and
pour it straight do"n the drain. Ano"ing it-s 2u&enile, useless, and probably "on-t ma*e
the least bit of difference, since the moment I go bac* e&erything "ill re&erse itself
again. %ut e&en if it adds up to no more than a minor incon&enience, at least he-ll *no"
that incon&enience came from me. ,hen I riffle through his dra"ers, searching for a
piece of scrap paper and a pen, needing to ma*e a list of all the things I can-t afford to
forget. ( simple set of instructions that "on-t be too confusing for someone "ho
probably "on-t remember "hat any of it means, and yet still clear and concise enough
to *eep me from repeating the same horrible mista*es all o&er again. 0riting:
I. .on-t go bac* for the s"eatshirt'
O. .on-t trust .rina'
J. .on-t go bac* for the s"eatshirt no matter "hat' (nd then, 2ust so I don-t completely
forget, and hoping it might trigger some sort of memory, I add:
R. .amen. (nd after chec*ing it o&er again 6and again7, ma*ing sure it-s all there and
that nothing-s been missed, I fold it into a s/uare, sho&e it deep in my poc*et, and head
for the "indo", ga1ing at a s*y turned a deep sunless blue, "ith the moon hanging
hea&y and full 2ust off to the side. ,hen I ta*e a deep breath and head for the ugly chint1
couch, *no"ing it-s time. I close my eyes and reach to"ard the light, eager to
experience that shimmering glory one final time as I land on those soft blades of grass
in that &ast fragrant field. (ided by their buoyancy and bounce as I run, s*ip, and t"irl
through the meado", performing cart"heels, bac* handsprings, and somersaults, my
fingertips gra1ing o&er those glorious flo"ers "ith their pulsating petals and delicious
s"eet scent as I "ind my "ay through those &ibrating trees along the colorful stream.
.etermined to ta*e it all in, to memori1e e&ery last detail, "ishing there "as some "ay
to capture this "onderful feeling and hold it fore&er.
(nd then, because I ha&e a fe" moments to spare, and because I need to see him one
last time, need to be "ith him in the "ay that "e used to, I close my eyes and manifest
.amen.
Seeing him as he first appeared to me in the par*ing lot at school. Starting "ith his
shiny dar* hair that "a&es around his chee*bones and hits 2ust shy of his shoulders,
those almond8shaped eyes so deep, dar*, and e&en, bac* then, strangely familiar. (nd
those lips' ,hose ripe in&iting lips "ith their perfect Cupid-s bo", follo"ed by the long,
lean, muscular body that holds it all up. My memory so potent, so tangible, e&ery
nuance, e&ery pore, is present and accounted for.
(nd "hen I open my eyes, he-s bo"ing before me, offering his hand in our &ery last
dance. So I place my hand in his as he tuc*s his arm around my "aist, leading me
through that glorious field in a series of "ide s"eeping arcs, our bodies s"aying, our
feet floating, t"irling to a melody heard only by us. (nd e&ery time he begins to slip from
my grasp, I 2ust close my eyes and ma*e him again, resuming our steps "ithout falter.
<i*e Count #ersen and Marie, (lbert and =ictoria, (ntony and Cleopatra, "e are all the
"orld-s greatest lo&ers, "e are all the couples "e-&e e&er been. (nd I bury my face in
the "arm s"eet hollo" of his nec*, reluctant to let our song end. %ut e&en though
there-s no time in Summerland, there is "here I-m going. (nd so I run my fingers along
the planes of his face, memori1ing the softness of his s*in, the cur&e of his 2a", and the
s"ell of his lips as they press against minecon&incing myself that it-s him really him'
)&en long after he-s faded and gone.
,he moment I head out of the field, I find 5omy and 5ayne "aiting right by the edge,
and from the loo*s on their faces I *no" they-&e been "atching. "+ou-re running out of
time," 5ayne says, staring at me "ith those saucer8si1ed eyes that ne&er fail to set me
on edge.
%ut I 2ust sha*e my head and pic* up the pace, annoyed to *no" they-&e been spying,
and tired of the "ay they *eep butting in.
"I-&e got it all co&ered," I say, glancing o&er my shoulder. "So feel free to" I pause,
ha&ing no idea "hat they do "hen they-re not bothering me. So I lift my shoulders and
lea&e it at that, *no"ing "hate&er they-re up to, it no longer concerns me. ,hey run
alongside me, peering at each other, communicating in their pri&ate t"in spea* before
saying, "Something-s not right." ,hey stare at me, urging me to listen. "Something feels
terribly "rong." ,heir &oices blending together in perfect harmony. %ut I 2ust shrug, not
the least bit interested in crac*ing their code, and "hen I see those marble steps before
me, I storm straight ahead, glimpsing the "orld-s most beautiful structures, before
rushing right in. ,he t"ins- &oices silenced by the doors closing behind me as I stand in
the grand marble entry, eyes closed tight, hoping I "on-t be shut out li*e the last time,
hoping I can go bac* in time. ,hin*ing: I-m ready. I-m really and truly ready. So please,
let me go bac*. %ac* to )ugene, 3regon. %ac* to my mom and dad and 5iley and
%uttercup. $lease 2ust let me return. . . and set e&erything straight again ... (nd the next
tiling I *no" a short hall"ay appears, leading to a room at the enda room that-s empty
except for a stool and a des*. %ut not 2ust any old des*, this is one of those long metal
des*s li*e the *ind "e had in the chem lab at my old school. (nd as I slide onto the
seat, a large crystal globe le&itates before me, flic*ering and flaring until it settles on an
image of me, sitting at this same metal des*, struggling o&er a science test. (nd e&en
though it-s pretty much the last scene I e&er "ould-&e chosen to repeat, I *no" it-s the
only opportunity I-ll e&er get to return. So I ta*e a deep breath, press my finger to the
screenand gasp as e&erything around me goes blac*.
Chapter Forty-Five
"3migod. I totally flun*ed that," 5achel groans, tossing her "a&y bro"n hair o&er her
shoulder and rolling her eyes. "I mean, I barely e&en studied last night. Seriously. (nd
then I stayed up late texting" She loo*s at me, her eyes "ide as she sha*es her head.
"(ny"ay. (ll you need to *no" is that my life as "e *no" it is o&er. So ta*e a good loo*
at me no" because as soon as those grades are posted and my parents find out, I-ll be
grounded for life. 0hich means this is pretty much the last you-ll see of me."
"$lease." I roll my eyes. "If anyone flun*ed, "e both *no" it-s me. I-&e been lost in that
class all year' (nd it-s not li*e I-m going to be a scientist or anything. It-s not li*e I-m e&er
going to use the information." I stop 2ust shy of her loc*er, "atching as she unloc*s it
and tosses a pile of boo*s inside.
"I-m 2ust glad it-s o&er and that grades "on-t be out until next "ee*. 0hich means I
better li&e it up "hile I can. (nd spea*ing of"hat time should I s"ing by tonight?" she
as*s, bro"s raised so high they-re hidden under her bangs.
I sha*e my head and sigh, reali1ing I ha&en-t told her yet and *no"ing she-s gonna be
mad. "(bout that..." I "al* alongside her as "e head for the par*ing lot, tuc*ing my long
blond hair behind my ear as I say, "Slight change of plans. My mom and dad are going
out and I-m supposed to babysit 5iley."
"(nd ho" is that a slight change of plans?" 5achel stops 2ust short of the lot, her eyes
scanning the ro"s of cars, determined to see "ho-s riding "ith "ho. "0ell, I thought
maybe after she goes to sleep, you can come o&er and" %ut I stop, not bothering to
finish since it-s clear she-s not listening. ,he second I mentioned my little sister, I lost
her. 5achel-s that rare only child "ho-s ne&er once fantasi1ed about ha&ing a brother or
sister. Sharing the spotlight 2ust isn-t her thing.
"#orget it," she says. "<ittle people ha&e stic*y fingers and big ears, you can-t trust -em.
Ho" about tomorro"?"
I sha*e my head. "Can-t. It-s family day. 0e-re all heading up to the la*e."
"See." 5achel nods. ",hat-s exactly the *ind of stuff you don-t ha&e to deal "ith "hen
your parents split. In our house, family day is "hen "e all meet in court to fight o&er the
child support chec*."
"+ou don-t *no" ho" luc*y you are," I say, regretting the 2o*e the second it-s out.
%ecause not only is it a total lie, but something about it lea&es me feeling so sad and
guilty I "ish I could ta*e it right bac*.
%ut it-s not li*e 5achel "as listening any"ay. She9s too busy trying to get the attention of
the ama1ing Shayla Spar*s, "ho-s pretty much the coolest senior to e&er "al* the halls
of this school. #rantically "a&ing and stopping 2ust short of 2umping up and do"n and
screaming li*e a groupie, hoping to get Shayla-s attention as she loads up her s*y8blue
=0 %ug "ith all her cool friends. ,hen lo"ering her hand and pretending to scratch at
her ear as though she-s not the least bit embarrassed "hen Shayla fails to ac*no"ledge
her.
",rust me, that car-s not so great," I say, chec*ing my "atch and ga1ing around the lot,
"ondering 2ust "here the hec* %randon is since he really should-&e been here by no".
",he Miata dri&es better."
")xcuse me?" 5achel peers at me, her bro"s *nit together in complete disbelief. "(nd
since "hen ha&e you dri&en either one?"
I s/uint, hearing the "ords repeat in my head and ha&ing no idea "hy I 2ust said them.
";m, I didn-t." I shrug. "II guess I must-&e read it some"here." She loo*s at me, her
eyes narro"ed as they "or* their "ay do"n my outfit, gra1ing o&er my blac* =8nec*
s"eater and do"n to my 2eans that are dragging on the ground. "(nd "here-d you get
this " She grasps my "rist.
"$lease. +ou-&e seen that li*e a million times already. I got it last Christmas," I say, trying
to brea* free of her grip as %randon comes to"ard me, thin*ing ho" cute he is "hen his
hair falls into his eyes. "!ot the "atch silly, this'" She taps the bracelet that-s next to the
"atch, the one "ith sil&er horseshoes encrusted "ith pin* crystal bitsthe one that-s
not the slightest bit familiar though someho" manages to ma*e my stomach go all "eird
"hen I loo* at it.
"II don-t *no"," I mumble, "incing "hen I see her gape at me li*e I-m losing it. "I
mean, I thin* my aunt might-&e sent it to me, you *no", the one I told you about, the one
"ho li&es in <aguna %each"
"0ho li&es in <aguna %each?" %randon as*s, slipping his arm around me, as 5achel
glances bet"een us, rolling her eyes "hen he leans in to *iss me. %ut something about
the feel of his lips is so strange and unsettling, I /uic*ly turn a"ay.
"My ride-s here," 5achel says, rushing to"ard her mom-s S;= and calling o&er her
shoulder to say, "<et me *no" if anything changesyou *no", about tonight?"
%randon loo*s at me, pulling me tighter against him until I-m practically fused to his
chest, "hich only ma*es my stomach go "eird again.
"If "hat changes?" he as*s, obli&ious to the "ay I s/uirm out of his arms, una"are of
my sudden lac* of interest, "hich is a total relief since I-&e no idea ho" to explain it.
"3h, she "ants to hit 4aden-s party, but I-m scheduled to babysit," I tell him, heading
to"ard his 4eep and tossing my bag onto the floor by my feet.
"0ant me to stop by?" He smiles. "+ou *no", in case you need help?"
"!o'" I say, too forceful, too /uic*. Ano"ing I need to bac*trac* fast "hen I see the loo*
on his face. "I mean, 5iley al"ays stays up late, so it-s probably not a good idea."
He loo*s at me, his eyes gra1ing o&er me li*e he feels it too, the unidentified big "rong
thing that ho&ers bet"een us, ma*ing e&erything feel so dang "eird.
,hen he shrugs and turns to"ard the road. Choosing to dri&e the rest of the "ay in
silence. 3r at least he and I are silent. His stereo is screaming full blast. (nd e&en
though that usually gets on my ner&es, today I-m glad. I-d rather focus on crap music I
can-t stand, than the fact that I don-t "ant to *iss him.
I loo* at him, really loo* at him in the "ay I ha&en9t done since I-&e gotten used to us
being a couple.
,a*ing in the s"oop of bangs framing those big green eyes that slant do"n e&er so
slightly at the corners ma*ing him impossible to resistexcept for today.
,oday it comes easy. (nd "hen I remember ho" 2ust yesterday I "as co&ering my
noteboo* "ith his name, "ell, it 2ust doesn-t ma*e any sense. He turns, catching me
staring and smiling as he ta*es my hand. )nt"ining his fingers "ith mine and s/uee1ing
them in a "ay that ma*es my stomach go /ueasy. %ut I force myself to return it, both
the smile and the s/uee1e, *no"ing it-s expected, "hat a good girlfriend does. ,hen I
ga1e out the "indo", holding do"n the nausea as I stare at the passing landscape, the
rain8soa*ed streets, the clapboard houses and pine trees, glad to be getting home soon.
"So, tonight?" He pulls into my dri&e, muting the sound as he leans to"ard me and
loo*s at me in that "ay that he has.
%ut I 2ust press my lips together and reach for my bag, holding it against my chest li*e a
shield, a solid defense meant to *eep him a"ay. "I-ll text you," I mumble, a&oiding his
eyes as I glance out the "indo", seeing my neighbor and her daughter playing catch on
the la"n, as I reach for the door handle, desperate to get a"ay from him and into my
room.
(nd 2ust as I-&e opened the door and slipped one leg out, he says, "(ren-t you forgetting
something?" I ga1e do"n at my bac*pac*, *no"ing it-s all that I brought, but "hen I loo*
at him again, I reali1e he-s not referring to that. (nd *no"ing there-s only one "ay to get
through this "ithout arousing any more suspicions from him or from me, I lean to"ard
him, closing my eyes as I press my lips against his, finding them ob2ecti&ely smooth,
pliant, but basically neutral, "ith none of their usual spar*. "I-llum, I-ll see you later," I
mumble, hopping out of his 4eep and "iping my mouth on my slee&e "ell before I-&e
e&en reached the front door. 5ushing inside and heading straight to the den "here I-m
bloc*ed by a plastic drum set, a guitar "ith no strings, and a small blac* microphone
that-s going to brea* if 5iley and her friend don-t stop fighting o&er it. "0e already
agreed," 5iley says, yan*ing the mic to"ard her. "I sing all the boy songs, and you sing
all the girl songs. 0hat-s the problem?"
",he problem," her friend "hines, pulling it e&en harder. "Is that there-s hardly any girl
songs. (nd you *no" it."
%ut 5iley 2ust shrugs. ",hat-s not my fault. ,a*e it up "ith 5oc* %and, not me."
"I s"ear, you are so" Her friend stops "hen she sees me standing in the door"ay,
sha*ing my head.
"+ou guys need to ta*e turns," I say, gi&ing 5iley a pointed loo*, glad to be presented
"ith a problem I can handle, e&en though I "asn-t consulted. ")mily, you get the next
song, and 5iley, you get the one after that, and then so on. ,hin* you can handle that?"
5iley rolls her eyes as )mily snatches the mic from her hand.
"Is Mom around?" I as*, ignoring 5iley-s sco"l since I-m pretty much used to it by no".
"She-s in her room. etting ready," she says, "atching me lea&e as she "hispers to her
friend, "#ine. I get to sing -.ead on (rri&al,- you can sing -Creep.- "
I pass by my room, drop my bag on the floor, then ma*e my "ay into my mom-s room,
leaning against the arch"ay that separates the bedroom from the bathroom and
"atching as she puts on her ma*eup, remembering ho" I used to lo&e to do this bac*
"hen I "as little and thought my mom "as the most glamorous "oman on the planet.
%ut "hen I loo* at her no", I mean, loo* at her ob2ecti&ely, I reali1e she actually is *ind
of glamorous, at least in a suburban mom *ind of "ay.
"Ho" "as school?" she as*s, turning her head from side to side, ma*ing sure her
foundation is blended and seamless.
"#ine." I shrug. "0e had a test in science, "hich I probably failed," I tell her, e&en though
I don-t really belie&e it "ent all that bad, but not *no"ing ho" to express "hat I really
"ant to saythat e&erything feels strange, and uncertain, li*e it-s off balance, lac*ing
and hoping for any reaction I can get out of her.
%ut she 2ust sighs and mo&es on to her eyes, s"eeping her small ma*eup brush o&er
her lids and across the crease as she says, "I-m sure you didn-t fail." She glances at me
through the mirror. "I-m sure you did 2ust fine."
I trace my hand o&er a smudge on the "all, thin*ing I should lea&e, go to my room and
chill out for a "hile, listen to some music, read a good boo*, anything to ta*e my mind
off of me.
"Sorry this is so last minute," she says, pumping her mascara "and in and out of its
tube. "I *no" you probably had plans."
I shrug, t"isting my "rist bac* and forth, "atching the "ay the crystals in my bracelet
flic*er and flare, glinting in the fluorescent light and trying to remember "here it came
from. ",hat-s all right," I tell her. ",here-ll be plenty of other #riday nights." My mom
s/uints, mascara in hand, pausing in mid8stro*e as she says, ")&er? Is that you?" She
laughs. "Is something going on that I should *no" about? %ecause that hardly sounds
li*e my daughter." I ta*e a deep breath and lift my shoulders, "ishing I could tell her
ho" something is most definitely going on, something I can-t /uite place, something that
lea&es me feeling sounli*e me. %ut I don-t. I mean, I can barely explain it to myself,
much less her. (ll I *no" is that yesterday I felt fineand todaypretty much the
opposite of fine. (lien e&enli*e I no longer fitli*e I-m a round girl in a s/uare "orld.
"+ou *no" I-m o*ay "ith you in&iting a fe" friends o&er," she says, mo&ing on to her lips,
coating them "ith a s"ipe of lipstic* before enhancing the color "ith a touch of gloss.
"(s long as you *eep it to a minimum, no more than three, and as long as you don-t
ignore your sister."
",han*s." I nod, forcing a smile so she-ll thin* I9m o*ay. "%ut I-m *ind of loo*ing for"ard
to ha&ing a night off from all that."
I head to my room and plop do"n on my bed, fully content to 2ust stare at the ceiling,
until I reali1e ho" pathetic that is and I reach for the boo* on my nightstand instead.
Immersed in the story of a guy and girl so ent"ined, so perfectly made for each other,
their lo&e transcends time. 0ishing I could climb inside those pages and li&e there
fore&er, preferring their story to mine.
"Hey, )&." My dad po*es his head into my room.
"I-&e come to say both hello and good8bye. 0e-re running late, so "e gotta lea&e soon."
I toss my boo* aside and race to"ard him, hugging him so tight he laughs and sha*es
his head.
"!ice to *no" you-re not too gro"n up to hug your old man." He smiles, as I pull a"ay,
horrified to find that there are actual tears in my eyes, and busying myself "ith some
boo*s on a shelf until I-m sure the threat is long past. "Ma*e sure you and your sister
are pac*ed and ready to lea&e. I "ant to be on the road nice and early tomorro"."
I nod, disturbed by the strange hollo" feeling in&ading my gut as he lea&es. 0ondering,
not for the first time, 2ust "hat the hec* is going on "ith me.
Chapter Forty-Six
"#orget it. +ou-re not the boss of me, )&er'" 5iley shouts, arms folded, face sco"ling,
refusing to budge. I mean, "ho "ould-&e guessed that a ninety8pound t"el&e8year8old
could be such a force of nature? %ut no "ay am I gi&ing in. %ecause the second my
parents left and 5iley "as "atered and fed, I sent %randon a text, telling him to come by
around ten, "hich is any minute no" so it-s imperati&e I get her to bed. I sha*e my head
and sigh, "ishing she didn-t ha&e to be so dang stubborn, but fully prepared to do battle.
";m, I hate to brea* it to you," I say. "%ut you-re "rong. I am the boss of you. #rom the
moment Mom and .ad left until the time they return, I am one hundred percent the boss
of you. (nd you can argue all you "ant, but it "on-t change a thing."
",his is so unfair'" She glares. "I s"ear, the second I turn thirteen there-s going to be
some e/uality around here."
%ut I 2ust shrug, as eager for that moment as she. "ood, then I "on-t ha&e to babysit
you anymore and I can get my life bac*," I say, "atching as she rolls her eyes and taps
her foot against the carpeted floor. "$lease. +ou thin* I-m stupid? +ou thin* I don-t *no"
%randon-s coming o&er?" She sha*es her head. "%ig deal. 0ho e&en cares? (ll I "ant
to do is "atch ,= that-s it. (nd the only reason you "on-t let me is because you "ant
to hog the den "ith your boyfriend so you can ma*e out on the couch. (nd that-s exactly
"hat I-m gonna tell Mom and .ad if you don-t let me "atch my sho"."
"%ig deal. 0ho e&en cares?" I say, deli&ering a pitch8perfect imitation of her. "Mom said
I could ha&e friends o&er, so there." %ut the moment it-s out, I can-t help but cringe,
"ondering "ho-s the child here, her or me?
I sha*e my head, *no"ing it-s 2ust another empty threat, but not "illing to ta*e any
chances, I say, ".ad "ants to lea&e early, "hich means you need to get some sleep so
you-re not all grumpy and cran*y in the morning. (nd for your information, %randon-s not
coming o&er." I smir*, hoping it-ll mas* the fact that I-m a horrible liar.
"3h yeah?" She smiles, her eyes lighting up as they focus on mine. ",hen "hy-d his
4eep 2ust pull into the dri&e?"
I turn, peering out the "indo", then glancing at her.
Sighing under my breath as I say, "#ine. 0atch your sho". 0hate&er. See if I care. %ut
if it gi&es you nightmares again, don-t come crying to me."
"C-mon, )&er, "hat-s your deal?" %randon says, his expression crossing the border from
curious to annoyed in a matter of seconds. "I "aited o&er an hour for your little sister to
go to bed so "e could be together and no" you start acting li*e this. 0hat gi&es?"
"!othing," I mumble, refusing his ga1e as I read2ust my top. $eering at him from the
corner of my eye as he sha*es his head and buttons his 2eans2eans that I ne&er
as*ed to be unbuttoned in the first place. ",his is ridiculous," he mutters, sha*ing his
head and fastening his belt. "I dri&e all the "ay o&er here, your parents are gone, and
no" you-re acting li*e"
"<i*e "hat?" I "hisper, "anting him to say it. Hoping he can sum it up in 2ust a fe"
"ords, define 2ust "hat it is that I-m going through. %ecause earlier, "hen I changed my
mind and sent him the text as*ing him to come o&er, I thought it "ould put e&erything
bac* to normal again. %ut from the moment I ans"ered the door, my first instinct "as to
close it again. (nd no matter ho" hard I try, I can-t figure out "hy I-m feeling this "ay.
I mean, "hen I loo* at him, it-s ob&ious ho" luc*y I am. He-s nice, he-s cute, he plays
football, he-s got a cool car, he-s one of the most popular 2uniorsnot to mention that I
li*ed him for so long I could hardly belie&e it "hen I learned he li*ed me. %ut no"
e&erything-s different. (nd it-s not li*e I can force myself to feel things that I don-t. I ta*e
a deep breath, fully a"are of the "eight of his stare as I toy "ith my bracelet. ,urning it
around and around, trying to remember 2ust ho" it got there. ("are of something
niggling at the bac* of my mind, something about
"#orget it," he says, getting up to lea&e. "%ut I-m serious, )&er. +ou need to decide "hat
you "ant pretty soon, because this ..."
I ga1e at him, "ondering if he-ll finish the sentence and "ondering "hy I can-t seem to
care either "ay.
%ut he 2ust loo*s at me and sha*es his head, grabbing his *eys as he says, "0hate&er.
Ha&e fun at the la*e."
I "atch as the door closes behind him, then I mo&e to my dad-s recliner, grab the afghan
my grandma *nit for us not long before she died, and pull it up to my chin and tuc* it
under my feet. 5emembering ho" 2ust last "ee* I "as telling 5achel I "as seriously
considering going all the "ay "ith %randon, and no"no" I can barely stand for him to
touch me.
")&er?"
I open my eyes. 5iley-s standing before me, her bottom lip trembling, her blue eyes on
mine.
"Is he gone?" She glances around the room.
I nod.
"0ill you come sit "ith me, "hile I try to fall asleep?" she as*s, biting do"n on her lip,
gi&ing me that sad puppy dog loo* that-s impossible to resist.
"I told you that sho" "as too scary for you," I say, my hand on her shoulder as "e head
do"n the hall, getting her all tuc*ed and settled before arranging myself right around
her. 0ishing her the s"eetest of dreams and smoothing her hair off her face as I
"hisper, ".on-t "orry. o to sleep. ,here-s no such thing as ghosts."
Chapter Forty-Seven
")&er, you ready? 0e need to lea&e soon' 0e don-t "ant to hit traffic'"
"Coming'" I shout, e&en though I-m not. I 2ust continue to stand there, right smac* in the
middle of my room staring at a crumpled piece of paper I-d found in the front poc*et of
my 2eans. (nd e&en though it-s "ritten in my hand, I-&e no idea ho" it got there, much
less "hat it means. 5eading:
I. .on-t go bac* for the s"eatshirt'
O. .on-t trust .rina'
J. .on-t go bac* for the s"eatshirt no matter "hat'
R. .amen. (nd by the fifth time I read it, I-m still 2ust as confused as the first. I mean,
"hat s"eatshirt? (nd "hy am I not supposed to go bac* for it? !ot to mention, do I
e&en *no" a .rina? (nd "ho the hec* is .amen, and "hy is there a heart by his name?
I mean, "hy did I e&er "rite such a thing? 0hen did I e&er "rite such a thing? (nd "hat
could it possibly mean?
(nd "hen my dad calls again, follo"ed by the sound of his footsteps storming up the
stairs, I toss the paper aside, "atching it land on my dresser before falling to the floor,
figuring I-ll sort it all out "hen "e return.
(s it turns out, the "ee*end "as good for me. ood to get a"ay from my school, good
to get a"ay from my friends 6and boyfriend7. ood to spend time "ith my family in a
"ay that "e don-t get to do all that often. In fact, I feel so much better no", that as soon
as "e get bac* to ci&ili1ation, bac* to "here my cell can access a signalI-m going to
text %randon. I don-t "ant to lea&e things the "ay "e had. (nd I really belie&e that
"hate&er "eird thing I "as going through is no" past.
I grab my bac*pac* and toss it o&er my shoulder, ready to lea&e. %ut as I glance around
our campsite one last time, I can-t sha*e the feeling that I-&e left something behind.
)&en though my bag is pac*ed and e&erything appears to be clear, I continue to stand
there, my mom calling my name o&er and o&er, until she finally gi&es up and sends
5iley.
"Hey," she says, pulling hard on my slee&e. "C-mon, e&eryone-s "aiting."
"In a minute," I mumble. "I 2ust ha&e to"
"Ha&e to "hat?" She smir*s. "+ou ha&e to stare at the smoldering embers for another
hour or t"o? Seriously, )&er, "hat-s your deal?"
I shrug, toying "ith the clasp on my bracelet, ha&ing no idea "hat my deal is, but unable
to sha*e the feeling that something is "rong. 0ell, maybe not "rong exactly, more li*e
missing or undone. <i*e there-s something I-m supposed to be doing that I-m not. (nd I
2ust can-t decide "hat it is.
"Seriously. Mom "ants you to hurry, .ad-s "orried about hitting traffic, e&en %uttercup
"ants you to get it together so he can stic* his head out the "indo" and let his ears flap
in the bree1e. 3h, and I-d *ind of li*e to get home before all the good sho"s are o&er.
So, "hat do you say "e mo&e it, o*ay?"
%ut "hen I don-t mo&e it, "hen I don-t do much of anything, she sighs and says, "+ou
forget something? Is that it?" )yeballing me carefully before glancing o&er her shoulder
to"ard our parents.
"Maybe." I sha*e my head. "I-m not sure."
"+ou got your bac*pac*?"
I nod.
"+ou got your cell phone?"
I tap my bac*pac*.
"+ou got your brain?"
I laugh, *no"ing I-m acting strange and ridiculous and frea*y as hell, but then after the
last fe" days you-d thin* I-d be used to it by no".
"+ou got your s*y8blue $inecone <a*e Cheerleading Camp s"eatshirt?" She smiles.
",hat-s it'" I say, my heart beating frantically. "I left it by the la*e' ,ell Mom and .ad I-ll
be right bac*'"
%ut 2ust as I turn, 5iley grabs hold of my slee&e and pulls me right bac*. "Chillax." She
smiles. ".ad found it and tossed it in the bac*seat. Seriously. So can "e go no"?"
I glance around the campsite one last time, then follo" 5iley to the car. Settling into the
bac* as my dad pulls onto the road and a muffled chime comes from my phone. (nd
I-&e barely dug it out of my bag, barely e&en had a chance to read it, before 5iley-s
peering o&er my shoulder, trying to pee*. #orcing me to turn so abruptly, %uttercup
shifts, shooting me a loo* that lets me *no" she-s not happy. %ut e&en after all that,
5iley still tries to see. So I roll my eyes and do "hat I al"ays do, I "hine, "Mom'"
0atching as she flips a page in her maga1ine "ithout missing a beat, automatically
saying, "Stop it you t"o."
"+ou didn-t e&en loo*'" I say. "I "asn9t doing anything' 5iley "on-t lea&e me alone."
",hat-s because she lo&es you," my dad says, meeting my eyes in the rear&ie" mirror.
"She lo&es you so much she "ants to be around you all of the timeshe 2ust can-t get
enough of you'"
0ords that send 5iley clear to the other side of the car, pressing her body against the
door as she shouts, "ag'" ,hen s"inging her legs to her side as far as she can,
upsetting poor %uttercup all o&er again. Shi&ering dramatically, as though the thought is
2ust "ay too disgusting to bear, as my dad catches my eye and both of us laugh.
I flip my phone open, reading the message from %randon that says: Sorry. My bad. Call
me Onite.(nd I immediately respond "ith a smiley face, hoping that-ll tide us o&er until I
can "or* up enough emotion to send something more. (nd I-&e 2ust leaned my head
against the "indo" and am about to close my eyes "hen 5iley turns to me and says,
"+ou can-t go bac*, )&er. +ou can-t change the past. It 2ust is." I s/uint, ha&ing no idea
"hat she-s tal*ing about. %ut 2ust as I start to as*, she sha*es her head and says, ",his
is our destiny. !ot yours. .id you e&er stop and thin* that maybe you "ere supposed to
sur&i&e? ,hat maybe, it "asn-t 2ust .amen "ho sa&ed you?"
I stare at her, my mouth hanging open, trying to ma*e sense of her "ords. (nd "hen I
glance around the car, "ondering if my parents heard too, I see that e&erything is
fro1en. My dad-s hands are stuc* on the steering "heel, his unblin*ing eyes staring
straight ahead, "hile the page of my mom-s maga1ine is stuc* in mid8flip, and
%uttercup-s tail is caught at half8mast. )&en "hen I ga1e out the "indo", I notice ho" all
the birds are caught in midflight, "hile the other motorists are paused all around us. (nd
"hen I loo* at 5iley again, her intense ga1e on mine as she leans to"ard me, it-s clear
"e-re the only ones mo&ing. "+ou ha&e to go bac*," she says, her &oice confident, firm.
"+ou ha&e to find .amenbefore it-s too late."
",oo late for "hat I cry,B leaning to"ard her, desperate to understand. "(nd "ho the
hec* is .amen? 0hy are you saying that name? 0hat does it e&en mean"
%ut before I can finish, she-s already rolling her eyes and pushing me a"ay as though
none of it happened. "4ee1, stal* much?" She sha*es her head. "I mean, seriously,
)&er. %oundaries' %ecause regardless of "hat he thin*s," she points to"ard our dad, "I
ha&e absolutely no interest in you." She rolls her eyes and turns a"ay, singing along to
her i$od, her &oice raspy, "arbled, croa*ing out a Aelly Clar*son song in a "ay it "as
ne&er intended. 3bli&ious to my mom "ho smiles and chuc*s her lightly on the *nee,
obli&ious to my dad, ga1ing at me through the rear&ie" mirror, our smiles meeting at the
exact same moment, sharing a 2o*e meant only for us. Still holding that smile as a huge
logging truc* pulls out in front of us, slamming into the side of our car, and ma*ing the
"hole "orld go blac*.
Chapter Forty-Eight
,he next thing I *no" I-m sitting on my bed, mouth "ide open in a silent scream that
ne&er had a chance to be heard. Ha&ing lost my family for the second time in a year, left
"ith only the echo of 5iley-s "ords:
+ou ha&e to find .amen before it-s too late'
I spring from my bed and bolt for my den, going straight for the mini8fridge and finding
the elixir and antidote gone. ;nsure if it means I-m the only one "ho "ent bac* in time
"hile e&eryone else stayed the same, or if I-m pic*ing up right "here I left off"ith
.amen in danger and me running a"ay.
I sprint do"n the stairs, mo&ing so fast they-re li*e a blur under my feet, ha&ing no idea
"hat day it is, or e&en "hat time, but *no"ing I-&e got to ma*e it to (&a-s before it-s too
late.
%ut 2ust "hen I hit the landing, Sabine calls out, ")&er? Is that you?"
(nd I free1e, "atching as she comes around the corner, "earing a stained apron "ith a
full plate of bro"nies in hand.
"3h, good." She smiles. "I 2ust tried your mom-s recipeyou *no" the ones she al"ays
used to ba*e? (nd I "ant you to try one and tell me "hat you thin*."
I free1e, unable to do anything but blin*. #orcing a patience I don-t really ha&e "hen I
say, "I-m sure they-re fine. <isten, Sabine, I" %ut she doesn-t let me finish. She 2ust
coc*s her head to the side and says, "0ell, aren-t you at least going to try one?"
(nd I *no" this is not 2ust about seeing me eat, it-s also about "anting appro&al my
appro&al. She-s been /uestioning "hether or not she-s fit to loo* after me, "ondering if
she-s in some "ay responsible for my beha&ioral problems, thin*ing that if she-d only
handled things better, none of this "ould-&e happened. I mean, my brilliant, successful,
high8performing aunt, "ho-s ne&er lost a single court case"ants appro&al from me.
"4ust one," she insists. "It-s not li*e I-m trying to poison you'" (nd "hen her eyes meet
mine, I can-t help but notice her seemingly random choice of "ords, "ondering if it-s
some sort of message, pushing me to hurry, but *no"ing I ha&e to get through this first.
"I *no" they-re probably not nearly as good as your mom-s, because hers "ere the
undisputed best, but it is her recipeand for some reason I "o*e up early this morning
"ith this o&er"helming urge to ma*e them. (nd so I thought"
Ano"ing she-s capable of going into a full8on opening argument in her pursuit to
con&ince me, I reach to"ard the stac* of bro"nies. oing for the smallest s/uare,
figuring I-ll 2ust eat it and run. %ut "hen I see the unmista*able letter ) car&ed right in its
centerI *no".
It-s my sign.
,he one I-&e been "aiting for all along.
4ust "hen I-d gi&en up hope, 5iley pulled through.
Mar*ing the smallest bro"nie on the plate "ith my initial in the exact same "ay that she
used to do.
(nd "hen I loo* for the largest one and see an 5 car&ed onto it, I definitely *no" it-s
from her. ,he secret message, the sign she promised, right before she left me for good.
%ut still, not "anting to be some cra1y delusional person "ho finds secret meaning in a
plate of ba*ed goods, I glance at Sabine and say, ".id you" I point at my bro"nie, the
one "ith my initial car&ed into its middle. ".id you put that there?"
She s/uints, first at me, and then at the bro"nie, then she sha*es her head and says,
"<isten, )&er, if you don-t "ant to try it, then you certainly don-t ha&e to, I 2ust thought"
%ut before she can finish, I-&e already pluc*ed it off the plate and plopped it into my
mouth, closing my eyes as I sa&or its che"y s"eetness, immediately immersed in the
feeling of home. ,hat "onderful place I "as luc*y enough to re&isit, no matter ho" short
a timefinally reali1ing it-s not relegated to 2ust one single place, it-s "here&er you
ma*e it.
Sabine loo*s at me, her face anxious, a"aiting my appro&al "I tried them once before,
but for some reason they didn-t turn out nearly as good as your mom9s." She shrugs,
ga1ing at me shyly, eagerly a"aiting my &erdict. "She used to 2o*e that she used a
secret ingredient, but no" I "onder if that might9&e been true."
I s"allo" hard, "iping the crumbs from my lips, and smiling "hen I say, ",here "as a
secret ingredient."
Seeing her expression fall, "ondering if that means they9re no good. ",he secret
ingredient "as lo&e," I tell her. "(nd you must-&e used plenty, because these are
a"esome."
"5eally?" Her eyes light up.
"5eally." I hug her to me, but only for a moment before I-m pulling a"ay. ",oday-s #riday,
right?"
She loo*s at me, her bro"s merged. "+es, it-s #riday. 0hy? (re you o*ay?"
%ut I 2ust nod and flee out the door, *no"ing I-&e e&en less time than I thought.
Chapter Forty-Nine
I pull into (&a-s dri&e, and par* my car sloppilybac* "heels on the cement, front
"heels on the grass, mo&ing to"ard the door so /uic*ly I barely ac*no"ledge the stairs.
%ut 2ust as I reach it, I ta*e a step bac*something feels "eird, off, strange in a "ay I
can-t /uite explain. <i*e it-s too /uiet, too still. )&en though the house appears 2ust as I
left itplanters on either side of the door, "elcome mat in placeit-s static in a "ay that
seems eerie. (nd as I raise my *nuc*les to *noc*, I-&e 2ust barely tapped it "hen it
opens before me.
I head through the li&ing room and into the *itchen, calling out for (&a and noticing ho"
e&erything is 2ust as I left itteacup on the counter, coo*ies on a plate, e&erything in its
usual place. %ut "hen I pee* in the cupboard and see that the antidote and elixir are
missing, I-m not sure "hat to thin*. !ot *no"ing if it means that my plan "or*ed and it
"asn-t needed after all, or if the opposite is true, and that something-s gone "rong.
I race to"ard the indigo door at the end of the hall, eager to see if .amen-s still there,
but I-m bloc*ed by 5oman "ho stands right before it. His face "idening into a grin as he
says, "So nice to ha&e you bac*, )&er. ,hough I told (&a you "ould be. +ou *no" "hat
they sayyou can-t go home again'" I ta*e in his deliberately tousled hair that perfectly
frames the 3uroboros tattoo on his nec**no"ing that despite my ad&ances, despite
my "a*ing the school, he-s still the one in charge around here.
"0here-s .amen?" My eyes ra*e o&er his face, my gut t"isting tight. "(nd "hat-&e you
done "ith (&a?"
"!o", no"." He smiles. ".on-t you "orry -bout a thing. .amen-s right "here you left him.
,hough I must say I can-t belie&e that you left him. I underestimated you. I had no idea.
,hough I can-t help but "onder ho" .amen "ould feel if he *ne". I bet he
underestimated you too." I s"allo" hard, remembering .amen-s last "ords: +ou left me.
Ano"ing he didn-t underestimate me at all, he *ne" exactly "hich path I-d choose.
"(nd as for (&a." 5oman smiles. "+ou-ll be happy to *no" that I-&e done nothing "ith
her. +ou should *no" by no" that I only ha&e eyes for you," he murmurs, mo&ing so fast
I-&e barely had a chance to blin* "hen his face is mere inches from mine. "(&a left on
her o"n accord. (llo"ing us our pri&acy. (nd no" that it-s 2ust a matter of" He pauses
to glance at his "atch. "0ellseconds really, until you and I can ma*e it official. +ou
*no", minus all the nasty guilt you "ould-&e felt had "e hoo*ed up soonerbefore he-d
had a chance to pass. !ot that I "ould-&e felt guilty, but you stri*e me as the sort "ho
li*es to thin* of yourself as good and pure and "ell intentioned and all that rubbish,
"hich, truth be told, really is a bit too maudlin for my tastes. %ut I-m sure "e-ll find a "ay
to "or* through all that."
I tune out his "ords as I plan my next mo&e. ,rying to determine his "ea*ness, his
*ryptonite, his most &ulnerable cha*ra. Since he-s bloc*ing the &ery door I need to get
through, the door that leads to .amen, I-&e no choice but to go through him. ,hough I
need to be careful "ith ho" I proceed. %ecause "hen I do ma*e a mo&e, it needs to be
s"ift, unexpected, right on target. 3ther"ise, I-m in for a battle I may ne&er "in.
He lifts his hand to my face and caresses my chee*, and I slap it so hard the crunch of
his bones pierces the air as his crumpled fingers "obble and dangle before me.
"3uch." He smiles, sha*ing his hand as he flexes his instantly healed digits. "+ou-re a
feisty one, aren-t you? %ut you *no" ho" that only turns me on, right?" I roll my eyes,
feeling his cold breath on my chee* as he says, "0hy do you continue to fight me,
)&er? 0hy do you push me a"ay "hen I-m all you ha&e left?"
"0hy are you doing this?" I as*, my stomach t"itching as his eyes dar*en and narro",
displaying a complete absence of color and light. "0hat did .amen e&er do to you?"
He tilts his head bac*, peering at me "hen he says, "It-s real simple, darlin-." His &oice
suddenly changing, dropping the %ritish accent and adopting atone I-&e ne&er heard
from him before. "He *illed .rina. So I-m *illing him. (nd then e&erything-s e&en. Case
closed."
(nd the second he says it, I *no". I *no" exactly ho" I-ll ta*e him do"n and get behind
that door.
%ecause along "ith the "ho and the ho", I-&e no" got the "hy. ,he elusi&e moti&e I-&e
needed all this time. (nd no" the only thing standing bet"een .amen and me is one
solid punch to 5oman-s na&el cha*ra, or sacral center as it-s sometimes calledthe
center of 2ealousy, en&y, and the irrational desire to possess.
3ne solid blo" and 5oman is history.
%ut still, before I ta*e him do"n, I-&e one more thing to do. So I loo* at him, my ga1e
fixed and un"a&ering "hen I say, "%ut .amen didn-t *ill .rina. I did."
"!ice try." He laughs. "$athetic, a bit maudlin li*e I said, but I-m afraid it "on-t "or*. +ou
can-t sa&e .amen that "ay."
"%ut "hy not? If you-re so interested in 2ustice, an eye for an eye and all thatthen you
should *no" that I-m the one "ho did it." I nod, my &oice ta*ing on ne" urgency and
strength. "I-m the one "ho *illed that, bitch." 0atching as he s"ays, e&er so slightly, but
still enough for me to notice. "She "as al"ays hanging around, completely obsessed
"ith .amen. +ou must-&e *no"n that, right? ,hat she "as totally fixated on him?"
He "inces. !either confirming nor denying, but that "ince is all I need to *eep going,
*no"ing I-&e hit the sore spot. "She "anted me out of the "ay so she could ha&e
.amen to herself, and after months of my trying to ignore her and hoping she-d go
a"ay, she "as dumb enough to sho" up at my house and try to confront me. (nd"ell
"hen she refused to bac* do"n and "ent after me insteadI *illed her." I shrug,
relaying the story "ith a lot more calm than I felt at the time, ma*ing sure to lea&e out
my o"n ineptitude, cluelessness, and fears. "(nd it "as so easy." I smile, sha*ing my
head as though reli&ing the moment all o&er again. "Seriously. +ou should-&e seen her.
It-s li*e, one moment she "as standing before me all flaming red hair and "hite s*in
and the next gone' (nd by the "ay, .amen didn-t sho" up until the deed "as already
done. So, as you see, if anyone-s guilty, it-s me and not him."
My ga1e is on his, my fists ready to stri*e, mo&ing right into his space "hen I say, "So,
"hat do you say? +ou still "anna date me? 3r "ould you rather *ill me instead? )ither
"ay, I-ll understand." I place my hand on his chest and push him hard against the door.
,hin*ing ho" easy it "ould be to 2ust lo"er it a fe" inches, 2ab really hard, and be done
"ith all this.
"+ou?" he says, the "ord more li*e a /uestion, a crisis of conscience, than the
accusation he meant it to be. "+ou and not .amen?"
I nod, my body tensed, poised for fight, *no"ing nothing "ill *eep me from getting into
that room, and raising my fist as he says, "It-s not too late' 0e can still sa&e him'"
I free1e, my fist ho&ering at the half"ay mar*, unsure if I-m being played.
0atching as he sha*es his head, &isibly distressed "hen he says, "I didn-t *no"I
thought for sure it "as himhe ga&e me e&erything he ga&e me life this life' (nd I
thought for sure that he"
He mo&es around me and flees do"n the hall, calling, "+ou go chec* on himI-ll get the
antidote'"
Chapter Fifty
,he first thing I see "hen I burst through the door is .amen. Still lying on the futon,
loo*ing as thin and pale as he did "hen I left him.
,he second thing I see is 5ayne. Huddling by his side, pressing a damp cloth to his
face. Her eyes gro"ing "ide "hen she sees me, her hand held up before her as she
shouts, ")&er, no ' .on-t come any closer' If you "ant to sa&e .amen, then stop right
theredo not brea* the circle'"
I ga1e do"n, seeing some grainy "hite substance that loo*s 2ust li*e salt, formed into a
perfect ring that *eeps the t"o of them in and me out. ,hen I loo* at her, "ondering
"hat she "ants, "hat she could possibly ha&e in mind co"ering beside .amen and
"arning me a"ay. !oticing ho" she loo*s e&en odder outside of Summerland "ith her
ghostly pale face, tiny features, and large coal8blac* eyes. %ut "hen my ga1e shifts to
.amen, "atching as he lights and struggles for each breathI *no" I ha&e to get to
him, no matter "hat she says. It-s my fault he-s li*e this. I abandoned him. <eft him
behind. I "as stupid, and selfish, and nai&e enough to thin* that e&erything "ould "or*
out o*ay 2ust because I "anted it to, and that (&a "ould stic* around to pic* up the
pieces.
I step for"ard, my toe landing 2ust outside the border as 5oman rushes in from behind
me and shouts, "0hat the bloody hell is she doing in here?" His eyes "ide "ith shoc*
as he gapes at 5ayne, still crouching beside .amen from behind the barrier. ".on-t trust
him'" she says, her eyes darting bet"een us. "He *ne" I "as here all along."
"I didn-t *no" any such thing' I-&e ne&er e&en seen you before'" He sha*es his head. "I
mean, sorry darlin-, but Catholic schoolgirls 2ust ain-t my thing. I prefer my "omen a little
more feisty, li*e )&er, here." He reaches to"ard me, trailing his fingers do"n the length
of my bac*, chilling my s*in in a "ay that ma*es me "ant to reactbut I don-t. I 2ust
ta*e a deep breath and try to stay calm. #ocusing on his other handthe one that-s
holding the antidotethe *ey to sa&ing .amen.
%ecause in the end, that-s the only thing that matterse&erything else can "ait.
I snatch the bottle and unscre" the top. (nd I-m 2ust about to penetrate 5ayne-s circle of
protection "hen 5oman puts his hand on my arm and says, "!ot so fast."
I pause, glancing bet"een them, 5ayne loo*ing me right in the eye "hen she says,
".on-t do it, )&er' 0hate&er he tells you, do not listen. <isten only to me. (&a dumped
the antidote and ran off "ith the elixir not long after you left, but luc*ily I got here 2ust
before he did." She gestures to"ard 5oman, her eyes li*e angry points of the dar*est
night.
"He needs you to brea* the circle so he can get in, because he can-t get to .amen
"ithout you. 3nly the "orthy can access the circle, only those "ith good intent. %ut if
you step in no", 5oman "ill follo", so if you care about .amen, if you truly "ant to
protect him, you ha&e to "ait until 5omy gets here."
"5omy?"
5ayne nods, glancing bet"een 5oman and me. "She-s bringing the antidote, it "ill be
ready by nightfall since it needs the full moon-s energy to be fully complete." %ut 5oman
2ust sha*es his head, laughing as he says, "0hat antidote? I-m the only one "ith the
antidote. Hell, I-m the one "ho made the poison, so "hat the hell does she *no"?" (nd
"hen he sees the confusion on my face, he adds, "I really don-t see ho" you ha&e
much of a choice. If you listen to this one"he flic*s his fingers to"ard 5ayne".amen
"ill die. %ut if you listen to me, he "on-t. ,he math-s rather simple, don-t you thin*?"
I loo* at 5ayne, "atching as she sha*es her head and "arns me not to listen to him, to
hold out for 5omy, to "ait for nightfall, "hich is still hours a"ay. %ut then I ga1e at
.amen beside her, his breath becoming more labored, the color drained from his face
"(nd if you-re trying to tric* me?" I say, all of my attention no" focused on 5oman.
Holding my breath as he says, ",hen he dies." I s"allo" hard and stare at the floor,
unsure "hat to do. .o I trust 5oman, the rogue immortal "ho-s responsible for all of this
in the first place? 3r do I trust 5ayne, the creepy t"in "ith her co&ert double8tal* and an
agenda that-s ne&er been clear? %ut "hen I close my eyes and try to concentrate on my
gut, *no"ing that it-s rarely "rong, e&en though I often ignore it, it-s frustratingly still.
,hen loo*ing at 5oman "hen he says, "%ut if I-m not tric*ing you, then he li&es. So I
really don-t see ho" you ha&e much of a choice"
".on-t listen to him," 5ayne says. "He-s not here to help you, I am' I-m the one "ho sent
you the &ision in Summerland that day, I-m the one "ho sho"ed you all the ingredients
re/uired to sa&e him. +ou "ere shut out of the a*ashic records because you-d already
made your choice. (nd "hile "e tried to sho" you the "ay, "hile "e tried to help you
and stop you from lea&ing, you refused to listen, and no""
"I thought you didn-t *no" my business?" I narro" my ga1e. "I thought you and your
creepy sister couldn-t access" I pause, glancing at 5oman, *no"ing I ha&e to tread
carefully "ith "hat I-m about to say. "I thought you couldn-t see certain things."
5ayne loo*s at me, her face stric*en, sha*ing her head as she says, "0e ne&er lied to
you, )&er. (nd "e ne&er misled you. 0e can-t see certain things, that-s true. %ut 5omy-s
an empath and I-m a precog, and together "e get feelings and &isions. ,hat-s ho" "e
first found you, and "e-&e been trying to guide you e&er since, using the information "e
sense. )&er since 5iley as*ed us to loo* after you"
"5iley?" I gape, my stomach s"irling "ith nausea. Ho" could she be in&ol&ed in any of
this?
"0e met her in Summerland and sho"ed her around. 0e e&en "ent to school together,
a pri&ate boarding school she manifested, "hich is "hy "e "ear this." She motions to
her plaid s*irt and bla1er, the uniform she and her sister al"ays "ear. (nd I remember
ho" 5iley al"ays dreamed of going to boarding school, saying it "as so she could get
a"ay from me. So it ma*es sense that she-d manifest one. ",hen, "hen she decided to
" she pauses, glancing at 5oman before she continues, "to cross o&er, she as*ed us
to loo* after you if "e e&er sa" you around."
"I don-t belie&e you," I say, e&en though I ha&e no reason not to. "5iley "ould-&e told
me, she "ould-&e ..." %ut then I remember ho" she once said something about meeting
some people "ho sho"ed her around, and I "onder if she "as referring to the t"ins.
"0e also *no" .amenhehe helped us oncea long time ago ..." (nd "hen she
loo*s at me, I-m 2ust about to fold "hen she says, "%ut if you could 2ust "ait a fe" more
hours until the antidote-s complete, then 5omy "ill be here and ..." I glance at .amen,
his emaciated body, his pale, clammy s*in, his eyes appearing sun*en, his breath
ragged, e&ery inhale and exhale progressi&ely "ea*erand I *no" there-s only one
choice to ma*e. So I turn my bac* on 5ayne and loo* at 5oman "hen I say, "3*ay, 2ust
tell me "hat to do."
Chapter Fifty-One
5oman nods, his eyes on mine as he remo&es the antidote from my grasp and says,
"0e-ll need something sharp."
I s/uint, not /uite understanding. "0hat-re you tal*ing about? If that-s really the antidote
li*e you say, then "hy can-t he 2ust drin* it? I mean, it-s ready, right?" My stomach
t"isting under the "eight of his ga1e, so steady and focused on mine. "It is the antidote.
It 2ust re/uires one final ingredient to ma*e it complete." I suc* in my breath, *no"ing I
should-&e *no"n better, that it couldn-t be that easy "hen 5oman-s in&ol&ed. "0hat is
it?" I say, my &oice as sha*y as I feel inside. "0hat *ind of game are you playing?"
",here, there." He smiles. "!ot to "orry. It-s nothing too complicatedand it certainly
"on-t ta*e hours. " He sha*es his head at 5ayne. "(ll "e need to get this sho" on the
road is 2ust a drop or t"o of your blood. ,hat-s it."
I stare at him, not comprehending. I mean, ho" could that ma*e the slightest bit of
difference bet"een life and death?
%ut 5oman 2ust loo*s at me, ans"ering the /uestion in my head "hen he says, "In order
to sa&e your immortal partner, he must consume an antidote containing a drop of his
true lo&e-s blood. %elie&e me, it-s the only "ay."
I s"allo" hard, far less afraid of shedding blood than being played a fool and losing
.amen for good.
"Surely you-re not "orried that you-re not really .amen-s one true lo&e are you?" he
as*s, his lips cur&ing the tiniest bit. "$erhaps I should call Stacia instead?"
I grasp a pair of nearby scissors and aim them to"ard my "rist, and I-m 2ust about to
plunge "hen 5ayne screams, ")&er, no' .on-t do it' It-s a tric*' .on-t belie&e him' .on-t
listen to a "ord he says'"
I loo* at .amen, seeing the labored rise and fall of his chest mo&ing so slo" and ragged
no" there-s no time to "aste. I *no" in my heart that he has only minutes left, not
hours. ,hen I bring the scissors do"n hard, "atching as their sharp pointy tip
penetrates my "rist, nearly splitting it in t"o. Shooting a geyser of blood straight into the
air, before gra&ity ta*es o&er and pushes it do"n.
Hearing 5ayne scream, a "ail so piercing it cuts through the sound of e&erything else,
as 5oman crouches beneath me, collecting my blood. (nd other than feeling faint, and
the slightest bit di11y, it-s only a matter of seconds before my &eins are fused and my
s*in is all healed. So I grab the bottle, ignore 5ayne-s protests, and brea* through the
circle, pushing her aside as I drop to my *nees, slipping my fingers under .amen-s nec*
as I force him to drin*. 0atching his breath gro" fainter and fainteruntil it stops
completely.
"!3'" I cry. "+ou can-t dieyou can-t lea&e me'" I force the li/uid do"n the length of his
throat, determined to bring him bac*, return him to life, li*e he once did "ith me.
I hold him to me, "illing him to li&e. )&erything around us completely shut out as I focus
on .amen, my one true soul mate, my eternal partner, my only lo&e, refusing to say
good8bye, refusing to gi&e up hope. (nd "hen the bottle is empty, I collapse onto his
chest, pressing my lips against his, filling him "ith my breath, my being, my life. (s I
murmur the "ord she once said to me: "3pen your eyes and loo* at me'"
3&er and o&er again
;ntil he finally does.
".amen'" I cry, a flood of tears streaming do"n my chee*s and onto his face. "3h,
than* od, you-re bac*' I missed you so muchand I lo&e youand I promise I-ll ne&er
e&er lea&e you again' 4ust2ust please forgi&e meplease"
His eyes flic*er open as his mouth tries to mo&e, forming "ords I can-t hear. (nd "hen I
lo"er my ear to his lips, so grateful to be "ith him again, our reunion is cut short by a
series of claps.
Slo", steady claps coming from 5oman "ho-s no" standing behind me. Ha&ing
penetrated the circle as 5ayne co"ers in a far corner of the room.
"%ra&o'" he says, his face moc*ing, amused, as he glances bet"een .amen and me.
"0ell done, )&er. I must say, that "as all &ery touching. It-s not often one bears
"itness to such a heartfelt reunion."
I s"allo" hard, my hands sha*ing, my stomach beginning to ping, "ondering "hat he
could possibly be up to. I mean, .amen-s ali&e, the antidote "or*ed, "hat else could
there be?
I glance at .amen, "atching the steady rise and fall of his chest as he falls bac* to
sleep, then I ga1e to"ard 5ayne "ho-s loo*ing at me "ith "idened eyes and an
expression of disbelief.
%ut "hen I loo* at 5oman again, I-m sure he-s 2ust en2oying a last chance at fun, a
pathetic sho" of bra&ado no" that .amen is sa&ed. "So, you "ant to go after me no"?
Is that it?" I say, fully prepared to ta*e him do"n if I ha&e to.
%ut he 2ust sha*es his head and laughs. "!o" "hy "ould I "ant to do that? 0hy "ould I
"ant to rid myself of a "hole ne" brand of fun that-s only 2ust begun?"
I free1e, panic building inside me, but trying not to sho" it.
"I had no idea you-d be so easy, so predictable, but then again, that-s lo&e, right? It
tends to ma*e one a little bit cra1y, a tad bit impulsi&e, e&en irrational, don-t you thin*?"
I narro" my eyes, ha&ing no idea "hat he-s going on and on about but *no"ing it can-t
be good.
"(nd yet, it-s ama1ing ho" /uic*ly you fell for it. !o sales resistance at all. Seriously,
)&er, you 2ust sliced yourself open "ith, &irtually no /uestions as*ed. 0hich goes bac*
to my original point, ne&er under estimatethe po"er of lo&eor, in your case, "as it
guilt? 3nly you *no" for sure."
I stare at him, a horrible understanding gro"ing inside me, *no"ing I-&e made a gra&e
mista*ethat I-&e someho" been played.
"+ou "ere 2ust so desperate to trade your life for his, so "illing to do anything to sa&e
himthat it all "ent so seamlessly, so much easier than I e&er expected. ,hough truth
be told, I *no" 2ust ho" you feel. In fact, I "ould-&e done the same thing for .rinaif
only I-d been gi&en the choice." He glares at me, his lids so narro"ed his eyes are li*e
angry sli&ers of dar*ness. "%ut, since "e already *no" ho" that ended, I suppose you-d
li*e to *no" ho" this ends too, right?"
I glance at .amen, ensuring he-s still o*ay, "atching him sleep as 5oman says, "+es,
he-s still ali&e, don-t "orry your pretty head about that. (nd 2ust so you *no", he-ll most
li*ely remain that "ay for many, many, many years to come. I ha&e no plans to go after
him again, so don-t you fret. In fact, it "as ne&er my intention to *ill either one of you,
regardless of "hat you might-&e thought. ,hough, in all fairness, I suppose I should
"arn you that all this happiness does bear a cost."
"0hat is it?" I "hisper, staring at 5oman, ha&ing no idea "hat he could "ant besides
.rina "ho-s already gone. %esides, "hate&er the cost, I-ll pay it. If it means getting
.amen bac*, I-ll do "hat it ta*es. "I see I-&e upset you," he coos, sha*ing his head.
"!o" I-&e already told you that .amen "ill be fine. In fact, more than fine. He-ll be raring
to go and better than e&er. 4ust loo* at him, "ould you? See ho" his color-s returned,
ho" his form-s bul*ing up? =ery soon he-ll be right bac* to that handsome, strapping
young lad you-&e con&inced yourself that you lo&e so damn much you-d do anything to
sa&e him, no /uestions as*ed"
"et to the point," I say, my eyes on his, annoyed by the "ay these immortal rogues
al"ays insist on ma*ing e&ery single moment about them , "3h no." He sha*es his
head. "I-&e "aited years for this moment, and I "ill not be rushed. +ou see, .amen and I
go "ay bac*. %ac* to the &ery beginning, in #lorence, "here "e met." (nd "hen he
sees my expression, he adds, "+es, I "as a fello" orphan, the youngest orphan, and
"hen he spared me from the plague I loo*ed to him li*e a father."
"0hich "ould ma*e .rina your mother?" I say, "atching his ga1e harden before
relaxing again. "Hardly." He smiles. "+ou see, I lo&ed .rina, I-m not afraid to admit it. I
lo&ed her "ith all of my heart. I lo&ed her in the same "ay you thin* you lo&e him." He
motions to"ard .amen, "ho-s returned to the "ay he "as "hen "e met. "I lo&ed her
"ith e&ery ounce of my being, I "ould-&e done anything for herand I ne&er "ould-&e
abandoned her li*e you did "ith him." I s"allo" hard, *no"ing I deser&e that.
"%ut it "as al"ays about .amen. (l"ays. (bout. .amen. ,hat-s all she could focus on.
(ll she could see. ;ntil he met youthe first timeand .rina turned to me." He smiles
briefly, but it /uic*ly fades "hen he says, "#or friendship," practically spitting the "ord.
"(nd companionship. (nd a big strong shoulder to cry on." He sco"ls. "I "ould-&e gi&en
her anything she "antedanything in the "orldbut she already had e&erythingand
all she "anted "as the one thing I couldn-t gi&e her, "ouldn-t gi&e her.amen.
Sodding. (uguste." He sha*es his head. "(nd unfortunately for .rina, .amen only
"anted you. (nd so it begana lo&e triangle that lasted four hundred years, each of us
relentless, dri&en, ne&er once gi&ing up hope, until I "as forced tobecause you *illed
her. uaranteeing "e-d ne&er be together. uaranteeing our lo&e "ould ne&er be
*no"n"
"+ou *ne" I *illed her?" I gasp, my stomach t"isting into a horrible *not. ",his "hole
time?" He rolls his eyes. "0ell, duh '" He laughs, performing a perfect imitation of Stacia
at her brattiest. "I had it all planned, though I must say, you really thre" me for a loop
"hen you abandoned him li*e that. I underestimated you, )&er. I truly did. %ut e&en so, I
held on to my plans, I told (&a you-d be bac*." (&a.
I loo* at him, my eyes "ide, not sure I "ant to *no" "hat happened to the one person I
thought I could trust.
"(h, yes, your good friend (&a. ,he only one you could count on, right?" He nods. "0ell,
as it turns out, she ga&e me a reading once, /uite a good one too I might say, and "ell,
"e *ept in touch. +ou *no" she practically fled to"n the moment you left? ,oo* all the
elixir too. <eft .amen alone in this room, &ulnerable, defenseless, 2ust "aiting for me.
.idn-t e&en stic* around long enough to see if your little theory "as truefiguring you
"ere long gone, so, either "ay, you-d ne&er *no" the difference. +ou *no", you really
should be more careful about "ho you trust, )&er. +ou shouldn-t be so nai&e." I s"allo"
hard and shrug. ,here-s nothing I can do about it no". I can-t ta*e it bac*, I can-t change
the past, the only thing I can change no" is "hat happens next.
"3h, and I lo&ed ho" you *ept peering at my "rist, searching for my 3uroboros tattoo."
He laughs.
"<ittle did you reali1e "e "ear them "here&er "e choose, so I chose my nec*."
I stand there silently, hoping to hear more. .amen didn-t e&en *no" there "ere immortal
rogues until .rina "ent bad.
"I started it." He nods, his right hand o&er his heart.
"I-m the founding father of the Immortal 5ogue tribe. 0hile it-s true that your friend
.amen ga&e us all the first drin*, "hen the effects began to "ear off, he left us to age
and "ither, refusing to gi&e us more."
I shrug and roll my eyes. ranting someone o&er a century-s "orth of li&ing is hardly
"hat I-d call selfish.
"(nd that-s "hen I started experimenting, learning from the "orld-s greatest alchemists
until I-d surpassed .amen-s "or*."
"+ou call that a triumph? ,urning e&il? ,a*ing and gi&ing life at "ill? $laying od?"
"I do "hat I ha&e to." He shrugs, inspecting his nails.
"(t least I didn-t lea&e the remaining orphans to shri&el. ;nli*e .amen, I cared enough
to trac* them do"n and sa&e them. (nd yeah, e&ery no" and then I recruit someone
ne". ,hough I assure you there-s no harm done to the innocent, only to those "ho
deser&e it,"
3ur eyes meet, but I /uic*ly loo* a"ay. .amen and I should-&e seen this coming,
shouldn-t ha&e assumed .rina "as the end.
"So imagine my surprise "hen I sho" up here only to find thislittleurchinhuddling
"ith .amen in her little magic* circle, "hile her creepy t"in runs around to"n, trying to
piece an antidote together before nightfall." 5oman laughs. "Quite a successful search
too, I might add. +ou should-&e "aited, )&er. +ou shouldn-t ha&e bro*en the circle.
,hose t"o deser&e far more credit than you "ere "illing to gi&e them, but then, as I
said, you do ha&e a tendency to trust the "rong ones. (ny"ay, mean"hile bac* at the
bungalo", I 2ust *ic*ed around here, "aiting for you to sho" up and brea* the protecti&e
seal, li*e I *ne" you "ould."
"0hy?" I ga1e at .amen, then o&er at 5ayne, still huddled in the corner, too frightened
to mo&e. "0hat difference does it ma*e?"
"0ell, it is "hat *illed him." He shrugs. "He could-&e li&ed for days had you not bro*en
through li*e that.
<uc*y for you I had the antidote on hand to bring him bac*. (nd e&en though there-s a
price, a huge hefty price, "hat-s done is done, right? (nd no" there-s no going bac*.
!o. oing. %ac* +ou understand that better than any of us no", don-t you?"
")nough," I say, my hands curled into fists. ,hin*ing I should get rid of him no",
eliminate him for good. I mean, .amen-s safe, 5oman-s not needed, so "hat harm
could it do?
)xcept that I can-t. It-s not right. I mean, .amen is safe. (nd I can-t 2ust go eliminating
people 2ust because I deem them no good. I can-t abuse my po"er that "ay. Much is
expected to those gi&en much, and all that.
I relax my fists, unfolding my fingers as he says, ",hat-s a "ise choice. +ou don-t "ant to
do anything too rash, e&en though soon you-ll be tempted. %ecause you see, )&er, "hile
.amen-s going to be fine, perfectly fine and healthy and basically e&erything you could
e&er "ant him to be, I-m afraid that-s 2ust going to ma*e it all the more difficult "hen you
reali1e you can ne&er be together."
I loo* at him, my fingers sha*ing, my eyes bla1ing, refusing to belie&e him .amen-s
going to li&eI-m going to li&eso "hat could possibly *eep us apart? ".on-t belie&e
me?" He shrugs. "#ine, go ahead, consummate your lo&e and find out. It-s not li*e I
care. My loyalties to .amen ended centuries ago. So I-ll ha&e absolutely no /ualms
"hen you 2ump his bones and he ends up dead." He smiles, his eyes right on mine, and
"hen he sees the incredulous loo* on my face, his smile gro"s into a laugh. ( laugh so
large it reaches to"ard the ceiling and sha*es the "alls of this room, before it settles all
around us li*e a blan*et of doom.
"Ha&e I e&er lied to you, )&er? o ahead, thin* about it. I-ll "ait. Ha&en-t I been truthful
all along? 3h, sure I may ha&e sa&ed a fe" of the smaller, insignificant details for last,
"hich, though it may be /uite naughty of me, really does add to the fun. %ut no", it
seems "e-&e come to the point of full disclosure, so I-d li*e to ma*e it clear, crystal clear,
that the t"o of you can ne&er be together. !o .!( exchange "hatsoe&er. (nd in case
you still don-t get "hat that means, then allo" me to spell it out by stating that no bodily
fluids of any *ind may e&er be exchanged. (nd 2ust in case you need a translation of
that, "ell, it means you can-t *iss, lic*, spit into each other-s mouths, share each other-s
elixiroh, and of course, you also can-t do "hat-s yet to be done. Hell, you can-t e&en
cry on his shoulder o&er the fact that you can-t do "hat-s yet to be done. In short, you
can-t do anything. 3r at least not "ith each other. %ecause if you do, .amen "ill die."
"I don-t belie&e you," I say, my heart racing, my palms slic* "ith s"eat. "Ho" is that
e&en possible?"
"0ell, I may not be a doctor or scientist by profession, but I did study "ith some of the
greats bac* in the day. .o (lbert )instein, Max $lanc*, Sir Isaac !e"ton, or alileo
mean anything to you?" I shrug, "ishing he-d stop name8dropping and get on "ith it
already.
"So, in the simplest terms, allo" me to say that "hile the antidote alone "ould-&e sa&ed
him by stopping the receptors from multiplying additional aged and damaged cells, the
moment "e added your blood, "e made sure that any future reintroduction of your .!(
"ill only cause them to go acti&e again, thereby re&ersing the entire process and *illing
him. %ut "e don-t need to go all Science Channel here, 2ust *no" that you can ne&er be
together again. !e&er. ;nderstood? %ecause if you do, .amen dies. (nd no" that I-&e
told youthe rest is up to you." I stare at the ground, "ondering "hat I-&e done, ho" I
could-&e been stupid enough to trust him. %arely listening "hen he says, "(nd if you
don-t belie&e me, then go ahead, hop on board and gi&e it a try. %ut "hen he *eels o&er,
don-t come crying to me." 3ur eyes loc*, and 2ust li*e that day at the lunch tables at
school, I-m suc*ed inside the abyss of his mind. #eeling his longing for .rina, her
longing for .amen, his longing for me, my longing for home, and *no"ing it-s all resulted
in this.
I sha*e my head, "renching myself from his grip as he says, "3h, loo*, he-s "a*ing'
(nd loo*ing as gorgeous and hun*y as e&er. )n2oy your reunion, darlin-, but remember,
don-t en2oy it too much'"
I glance o&er my shoulder, seeing .amen beginning to stir, stretching his body and
rubbing his eyes, then I lunge for 5oman, "anting to hurt him, destroy him, ma*e him
pay for all that he did.
%ut he 2ust laughs and dances out of my "ay, heading for the door and smiling as he
says, --,rust me, you don-t "ant to do that. +ou 2ust might need me someday."
I stand before him, sha*ing "ith rage, tempted to plunge my fist into his most &ulnerable
cha*ra and "atch him &anish fore&er.
"I *no" you don-t belie&e it no", but "hy don-t you ta*e a moment to thin* about it. !o"
that you can no longer cuddle "ith .amen, you-re about to become &ery lonely, &ery
/uic*ly. (nd since I pride myself on being the forgi&ing type, I-d be more than "illing to
fill your &oid."
I narro" my eyes and raise my fist.
"(nd thenthere-s the small, inconse/uential fact that there 2ust may be an antidote to
the antidote"
His eyes meet mine as I suc* in my breath.
"(nd since I created it, only I "ould *no" for sure. So, the "ay I see it, you eliminate
me, you eliminate any hope of the t"o of you e&er being together. Is that a ris* you-re
"illing to ta*e?"
0e stand there, the t"o of us 2oined in the most hideous "ay, our eyes loc*ed,
unmo&ing, until .amen calls my name.
(nd "hen I turn, all I see is him. 5eturned to his usual splendor as he rises from the
futon and I rush to his arms. #eeling his "onderful "armth as he presses his body to
mine, ga1ing at me in the "ay that he used toas though I-m the most important tiling
in his "orld.
I bury my face in his chest, his shoulder, his nec*, my entire body thrumming "ith tingle
and heat as I "hisper his name again and again, my lips mo&ing across the cotton of his
shirt, summoning his "armth, his strength, "ondering ho" I-ll e&er find the "ords to
confess the horrible thing that I-&e done.
"0hat happened?" he as*s, his eyes on mine as he pulls a"ay. "(re you o*ay?"
I glance around the room, noticing 5oman and 5ayne are both gone. ,hen I peer into
his deep dar* eyes as I say, "+ou don-t remember?"
He sha*es his head.
"!one of it?"
He shrugs. ",he last thing I remember is #riday night, at the play. (nd then after" He
s/uints. "0hat is this place? Surely this isn-t the Montage?"
I lean into his body as "e head for the door. Ano"ing I ha&e to tell himsooner rather
than laterbut "anting to put it off for as long as I can. 0anting to en2oy the fact that
he-s bac*that he-s ali&e and "ell and "e-re together again. Heading do"n the steps
and unloc*ing my car as I say, "+ou "ere sic*. =ery sic*. %ut no" you-re better. %ut it-s
*ind of a long story, so" I sho&e the *ey in the ignition, as he places his hand on my
*nee.
"So "here do "e go from here?" he as*s, as I shift into re&erse. #eeling his ga1e as I
ta*e a deep breath and pull onto the street, determined to ignore the much larger
/uestion in his /uestion, "hen I smile and say, "(ny"here "e "ant. ,he "ee*end starts
no"."

Blue Moon The Immortals - Book 2 by Alyson Noel

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