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Thumb, Tom. The helter skelter way of writing: or, a new method of criticism. ... To
which is added, ... Tom Thumbs touch upon the hard word etymology: ... London,
1730. 60pp. Literature and Language
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( 10 )
eba1JU, T'rade{me1J, Gfmtlemen, and fucIr
like, who according to (oOle People',:; Opi-
nion, that one ,!Olud t1:iink 1hould know, are
deem'd a Sett of meet Ttafh; a low Degree
of working Fellows: acourfe Ware ,
fott of Men, who 11'1 tlie, way of Cd1ttab..
p,tn, love Meaning, becauie their Fortunes
21'e rtlett1l, Wea.ltIi being licentiouHy
expended in filthy Induftty for the Benefit of
others; a fort of SCrubs) who enJoy ROl1rJUr
without an Efhtte, and ate Nobiemen with";
out a Title; in iliort, they are a fort ot
"rretcbes who for thejr Poverty are out of
at prefent to with. ',But
Timothy WrOlJ!.hetul, Efq; who too often
thinks his Judgment better tb?-n any.otJmo's,
and being a great Lover of Et}7fJ()log;y, was
endeavouring to prove there is- a Dilfe.
tence between what fome FQ.lks call tIt Per-
{on 6f 2J.ality and a N()b!f1fRll1l, affirming
that the latter, tho' ne,ier fo are the
beft of in the Uni\'erfe, and
gave me the follOWing Opinion of his Family
jn few Words upon it: Tbey fay every' No-
bleman is a Perfon o( in Equity,
whereas every Per/on tf2PdlitJcannot be
made a NobJetnliR i the LawOf Nature ha-
put in fa :many Caveats and a-
gainft it in the begetting of tbem. To w.hich
they a-<lderl, endeavouringtq,proVe'aNoble-:
man mote lQbe efieem'd ,than a
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criticism. ... To which is added, ... Tom Thumbs touch upon the hard word etymology: ... The
whole collected from the Politicians Smoaking Journal, ... By Tom Thumb, ... Supervisd and
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THOMSON
GALE
----

'. \
,
, .
. ,
,
"
,
.
. .

-'
.
, ,

HELTER SKELTER
,
I

,
OR> A
. )
NewMethod of &c.
.... \}
.. ;"c)
"

- . .
. -' f-

Jufl Puhli./hetl, Pritzted for W. Trott in Ru

reI-Court, hy Drury-Lane.
TH E Forced Virgin; or the Utmatural
Mother. A true Hifiory.
. . Bow /franfc a Riddle Pirtue-,is!' .
. W .'- _
They nC'Z'er mi{s it who poffifs it 120t,
Andthey who batt:e it ever fi12d a Wmzt.
Rochefter's
(Price One Shilling.)

-.- - .
'.
, .'
. . . "
\ . ' ......
.
AN Anfwer to Mr. Pope's Preface to Shake';'
{pear. In a Letter to' a Friend. Being a
Vindication of the Old ACtors who were, the
Pubiifhers Performers ofthat
'Vhereby the Errors of their Edition are' fur-
ther accounted for, .and Memoirs of Shake-
[pear and Stage-Hifioryof his Time are
cd" were never befQre colletted. and pub-
liihed: ByaStioliIlg Player.;:. '; L, ".-
Say from wbat Cart{e (by all cOlldemn'd mzd
curft !
Still Bays the Sec011d.rails like Baysth'e:Fiijl.
Right reading of the 'IJu11ciad 1'ariorumrrom
a Manufcript (revifed and collated by this Au..
thor) which is il1ttrpolated by the laft Editor.
Price One
THE
HELTER SKELTER.
WA Y OF
R I TIN. G:
OR, A
Ne\v Method of CRITICISM.."'
Very awkwardly imitating the HENLEAN MAN'"
NER; with feveral Words to the Wife, the Yel]
11'ZJe, and the TYiJefl of All.
Being a few unaccountable Refleetions, Chymi..
call)T endeavouring to ex!raCl: SOMETHING out of
NOTHING: Together wIth theConundrumsofTi-
mothy TYrollghead, Do[for PlI%:z.lepate, and Trill BlmI-
derbzifs, Coflee-Houfe Politicians, U1)on the unfor-
tunate Title and Dramatis PerJol19. of M0 M us
not happening to Chime with tbe Times.
To which is added,
At the Beginning (according to the polite Stile of'
Scribbling) TOM THUMB'S Touch upon the Hard Word
ETYMOLOGY: With [ome Scraps of its Nature for the;
better underfianding a fajIJio12able 'lJialeCl of Wo R D S
without .J1ealzi12g and Hieroglypbicks.
THE WHOLE
ColleCted from the Politician's Smoaking JOllnral, 2nd
adapted to the prefeilt EpicllretllZ Tafte of tbe

13y TOM T HUM B, Secretary, lately. arri v'd from the

Cape of Good Hope, in the Egg-Sbcll-Facquet :Boat.
p

Supervis'd ancl by WlLL

of Addle-1m2, Efq; onc of the Society.
- . - - ..
L 0 N'J) 0 N: Printed for w: Trott, .in RttJ/el COllrt by
'nrztrJ-Lmlf. 1i SO. (Pnce I s)

THE
HELTER SKELTER'
'WAY OF
,
ING:
OR, A
New Method of Criticifm:

. ,
.
Some Mm are [afer ill {fealiJ1g a Hor/c,
tha1l others' in looki71g Over a Hedge.
Mother SHIP TO N IS Proph

-.. : d." . 0>

.. ,
, . .
, ,
,
,
- H:e Old,/ayi?lg and
one, fudl ferve me in!tead of
Latin Motto; and: rpreface.
for J omit it for
. .' , \
qvo, Reafons '; Ftr/l, to accom;..
my, De6gn of ',the
-(a' c9mmon Practice 'among ORr A1oil'ef1Z
".,:; , Amhon.)

,
Alltbors,) who will. find fome Difficulty in
difpofiflg of this Pamphlet without having
its beginning grac'd with the numerous Titles
of fome great Secondly, contidering
that fuch great 'DOllS are too niggardly to
aft otherways than like their Anceftor 'DiveS
to Lazarm ; and, Laflly, the remaining Part
of the Country being too much impoverlfh'd
to have it in their Power to behaveaccording
to their innate Generofity. All which being too
polJihle I 'annot think it prudent to give my
felf the unneceifary Trouble of fo much Flat-
tery, as is requir'd to. give fome Mena good
Charaaer, or fo much lofs of Time where
nothing is to be get. Therefore, without
Ceremony) I fhall begin the Touch I pro.-
pored upon Etymolog)', &Cr
,VHAT in the Name of \\Tonder the Ante':'

tlilzlOitl11 Gc"try, or the old Hll1Jxes their

De{cendants, meant by tranfmiuing to Po
fierity their Hiercglyphicks, and fnch curfed
bard \Vords, for as Etymology" and fuch like,
I cannot tell: Unlefs they did it by way of
fetting us either a Greek-Riddle, or Cantab.
Pzm, with Explanations much more dificult
to confirue, than the Riddle or Pun it felf.
TeUlng us at the fame 'time, that whoever
could underfiand what: was not to be under-
flood, would be enabled in the Twinkling ot
:3, Bed-ftatf) to unravel the Myfiery of
. . .

( )
Reries, :and Derivation of all Derivations, for
thefpeedy refolving all Cramboes; 'rootingthe
meaning from their moll: obfcure Caverns; :1nd
making their Ratio ofthis, that, ?ud t'other;
clear as the Sun at Noon-day, provided the
.Weather was not cloudYA
. TH Difadvantages Etymology lahours
under, feem to be owingfirfl to the length
of Tiine it has been' us'd, and ought to be
thrown' away for that rho' never f()
good: Seeol/dly, the ,Prevailing Party of
Troopees cry 'Ollt, That tis a Shame anyhard
\\'ords 'contriv'd by your nafry filthy old Fel-
lows, 'who cariles Hinking out of the. Ark,
1bould be mingled in this 01tr{o much im-
proved Age, with their fublime fzew faugled
Phra!cs,. more nicely adaptedforadreffingthe
Ladies, being of a fofter Nature, and tender,
like the Heads and .Hearts of their loving
Orators., And Thirdly, altho' the Gr(ciaus
have been accounted a wife, and grave
People; yet no Part of their DialeCt can be
thought entertainigg, to a Sett whofe Heads
are turned more to their own Gngular Plea':'
, "-
fures, than to make Camels of
and bear fuch beaflly Loads of Thought for
the good of the Public. And as neither
EtymolofJ or any other' Words having their
Deriviltion from that\vife People, are at
fent 'either regarded, or nnderfiood, but by
a
( 4) ,
a few good for nothing \Vretches (as -our
Modems call them:) There ought to be a
general Regulation) no Words admitted
but thofe of a more f0t?thing Accent, fnch as
'Dam-ye, Rot-ye, &c. and {hch
like; neverthelefs, I c,annot- help thinking,
that the \Vords Etymology, ltlomus, and
_many -other-s of their kind, (tho' difiiked -by
fome Perfons,) are very good \Vords: And I
do verily believe were they fet to lialian
Airs, compofed by Seigr. . . and
fung in Recitavio by a feleet Number of
_ their Harihnefs would become
fmooth ana fonorous enough, to ravHh a pO'!'
. lite Part of Mankind, Who feem to have
very little Efteem, if any, for the Significa-
tion of \Vords. Such- PerfoDS being general-
ly found condemning of many for haviOJ
too mach meaning, and preferring thefe
which have iu their Sen/e '/Jp mum;'le at
all. The latter being malt agreable to
their own Parts of Speech, which is pretty
evident, efpecially -when they make Pro-
mifes; either Firft, to pay their jnft Debts,
or Secolldly, in their Prologues to love Affairs,
or Thirdly, when tbey have faid any thing
tending to the Relief of their neceffitous Pe.-
titioners, who. daily at their. Levy to
fome difmal Tune, The following Words, of
good my Lord, what d'y - call- 'em,
Dear my Lord, or Pray my Lord; to which
..
( s )
they add amofr difcreet Chorus,
blundered out that charming Word Nete[-
fity 1. which Burden cannot fail ruiting my
LQrd to a Hair, being a Word entirely void
Qf Signification to his 'IJonjhip, and there..
fore the more liked: And his Honour to 1
even with them takes particular Care, that
fuch his Suppliants may not be prevented lofing
their Time, nor the Opportunity of repeating
it to him, and all the Town, often ana
as long as. Time and: Patience will
permit them. During which
my Lord tofhow his Affability, anfwersthent
with an unconcern'd Air, in their ravHhing
Dialect of Dear Madam fuch a Otie, good
Mr. ff'hat-d'y-call-'em, and Dear Jack! I
beg you'll make no more Words, pray make
no Words, Lord, Lord, what fig12iff lfords,
which I think is no fmall ftroke on the Per
rycraniZfm of Etymology.
I N fuort rich Men will not take Timt
to give themfelves the Trouble of diving
to the EtrymolofJ of fuch Words as promif.
cd ttpOlZ l1ry Bonottr ; and bad Time
from their Pleafilres, their Policy is much tQ
be commended. For if the Stubboi'fl
School-Boy had fo much Wit, as not to
read any farther in his Horn-book that'l
great A, knOWing if he read B, that his
would make him read all the other
Letter
, .
( 6 )
,

Letters; why then fuould. fuch :Dim";r who

are ,accounted very wife) exceeding great,
fuperlatively adorned beyondthe other pa.rt
Mankind, I fay, why fuould they give
felves the .Fatigue .of going thro' the
ber.able Affairs, attending the Performanctf
(if odone in a friendly Manner) of fo large a
!.fask as belongs to fuch hard Words as I
promi{td upon my H01l0Zlr. No - The
Promifesl of tuch great 'Dons are as they
pught . to be, they are the Ill-begortel1
Baflards . of their ,Minds, generated
the. 'Will of their Parents, and are no fooner
born, than tutn'd adrift naked into the World;
and not only left to Starve, theinfelYes, hut
every one. who give them 'any, Credit, being
never kept by the Perfons who begot them. :
. . .
,
: . : ..
- A'ND yet to fhew you how'Vords may
be travers'd : Thofe of Promi[e and Ho-
'i]ot!r in one Sence fignifie Nothillg, and
in A great deal. For 'tis evident
that altho' a Promife is no more thought
.of by,tbe 'Don that made it than as a meer
Notbiilg, and,' actually meant by him as
Nothing, yet Promife he makes eau-
Jes a,greaf detitoj 'Fu{s, and encreafes the
.N_er, of- his AttendantS; which poor
( mifcopftruing the '1f!ord of a
Lord for Lord's Word,)-' immediately
leap into anclin time (to their
. .,' Sorrow)
,
( 7 )
Sorrow) find its EffeCts II great deal w9rfe
than they imagin'd. Th.ere is always a
gl-eat deal of Ceremony paid to a PrfJmi{e,
a ,great deal of Money fpent in attending
it;:o great deal of Virruous Education fa-
crjficed to it, and in the End, a great deal
of Time loft, by honefi Men, who could,
but,for the of a Promlfe, have
much better employ'd their Hours, tho' in
the meaneft State: In wit1Ze[s '[f)herec1 (as
Friend'J3/zmderbzt[s onceraid) pray calf your
uron the DlOlny Ladies to whom fncb
VfJ1J.S have fwore beyond the, Invention of
Oaths anLi Prumifes, you'll: tee them all ru-
m'd and loft for ever; the Tradefmen wh()
had 'the Honour to give their V01l/hips Cre-
dit, YOll'llfind become Bankrupts; and even
fDear Jack, who had the Pleafl1J'e of clang-
'ing a long time. ,?ftcr his HOllour, tho' but for
an Place, has exhaufted his
fp}endid Shil1ing,and now ci-ie.) Japan Jrmr.
yoztr HtJ7Jozr, in the
d,elz. In human,a.nd mofi Way of
and ruining their FcllowwCre;a.
they notjm:yft:em to glory, but daily
fet ,an to ,all I.lankmd to follo\v
the: Paths of llWir call them-
felves) fo that in TilT,e,; if providence
hinder tne pf filch excel':"
P.rinciple$, .ther,e be EfJ'mu-
nor any" ,otper, Word ,to tignifie' a
l''tJrtb.iJlg., ,:', .'.' "C,:.,
( 8 )
,

,
ALAS Poor z .e Men
Dem already to be deny'd the Privilege of
their own Words, which Words they have
both bought and paid for School" n.ay;
and enjoy'd the Poffeffion of for many
'Tis too plain our \Vords are abus'd by the
bury and guilty Men of the Age" who in
Coffee-Houfes turn, winde, and mlfconftrue
them from our innocent Meaning, according
to their feveral Occanons; elfe how came it
that the Words Leviathan, Cardi110l Wool
fC'la and that plaguing one bzttcndo?
taken fomuch amifs ? For rm fure Levia-
than is in the RMJelatioTts, Cardinal Wool..
fey in l1aker's Chronicle, and lnttelzdo in all
the beil Dictionaries extant: And yet we
find thore bury Wretches, thore Mormils of
the 'rimes were difgufted at them \Vords:;
bot I think they were as well rewarded {or
their InfoIence, in throwing their J
" and Jhooting their Arrows at aGreittMim;
'they have found to their Coft, that aiming-at
tl1Jook[elltr, is like {hooting at the LMJia...
than, whole Scales are impregnable,: they
not having any thing for their Labour -hut &
Retum of their Fools Bolts, which have juft.:.
'Iy rebounded againft their own Breafts; and
'tis judg'd, as the That-the;
fl)fJU/J flt!'lJtr haec look d for the Vaugbttr
1/Mi{ehiej'in theOtOt1l ofScandal, hailthey
J/e'::fr helD tbem[rl'Pfs. -$ u eH.
SUCH Momus's as thefe, according to thaif
neW Method of Criticifm, you'll find daily
endeavouring to prove Teas to be Nays; and
NaJ's, Teas. They alone enjoy the Art and
Liherty ot Utterance in fuch manner, that
whatever ff'ords they fpeak or write, fhall
either have Meaning, or no Meaning, jufi as
they pleafe to admit them, which 1 am in
hopes is fully demonfiratcd, in fhewing that
the Word Promi{e with fome Pe::lple iigni-
fies, fometimes a Refolution to difappoint
their Friends; fometimes aJoke, and fome-
times 'Nothing; whilft alnong others of a
different Cla.fs to their 'Dollj.bips, there is
no Word has a more beautiful Me,:ming, it'
being by thein thought to imply a noble Re-',
folution faithfully to perform a charitable'
ACt for the Relief iand Support of their re-'
quefting, neceffitous Neighbours. in, the moO:'
friendly Manner. Neverthelefs ltill we con-
fider further, We fhotild not 'blame thore
1]011S for their feveral and Confiruc- '
dons of the Word, whofe Ideas may 'poffibly
in fome prove the bell:, for
that we know: Not does it unlikely
when I fcan the Matter a little better; for I
that an InjunCtion to perform
titable upon' fa a Founda-
as a, Promife" is only a ,Notion cuItiva..;
red amOng YOllt .poot Mecfjmlicks, 'ftler':'
B cbal1U,
,.
"

( 10 )

chants, T'radefmm, Gelltlenzclz, and fuch

like, who according to People's Opi-
nion, that one ,,!ould think lnould know, are
ceem'd a Sett of meei' Tra1h; a low Degree
of working Fellows; acoune Earthen-Ware
fotE of Men, who in the" way of Cd1ltalt,
Pm1, love Meaning, becauIe their Fortunes
ate metlll, \Veaith being licentionfly
expended in filthy Induftty for the :Benefit of
others; a fort of Sctubs
j
who enjoy HO/lour
without an Eftate, and ate Noblemen with..:
out a Title; in thort, they are a lort ot
Wretches who for their Poverty are out of
:fathion at ptefent to coiwerfe with. "But
Timothy lf7rfJllghead, Efq; who too often
thinks his Judgment better any other's,
and being a great Lover of Etymology, was
endeavouring to prove there is a great Diffe...
rence between what fome Folks call aPer-
fon of Qgality and a Nohlemcl11, affirming
that the latter, tho' never fo poor, are the
bell: Clafs of People in the Univere, and
gave me the following Opinion of his Family
in few Words upon it: They fay every No-
bleman is a Perron o( in Equity,
whereas every Pnfon cf2Juility cannot be
made a NohJimtin; the Lawof Nature ha..
!o and
gamft It mthe begetting of them. To
they added, endeavouring to prove a
man \Vai more10 be efreem'd than a. l?eri>n

. .. ""

. "
I
( It )
of Quality; that fuch Noblemen as they
meant, tho' not in Statiolzs which fome
Folks call Power, yet they pay their Vebts,
and erform. their Promf{cs j whereas fuch
.Per. OilS of f2Jtality as they fpoke of, were
never Born with a Spirit great enough to do
either; concluding that the former Sort not
being in Power, confirm'd them in the Truth
of the Saying, 'lJiz. That juch Per[o,zs of
f2jeaJit arc miech fafcr injleaJi11g a Horfe,
tbmz 'itch poor Nohlcmm ill looki11g wer the
Hedge.
How right 'Sqztire WroltgheaiJ's Family
may be in their Sentiments, I 1hall not pre-
tend even to imagine i for the Man himfelf
ha.s very fuange Notions,. and, I fllppofe, is
often at Work upon Etymology among his
Tribe, without regarding the celebrated Me-
thods of the twofamous Univerftties offound
Learning, whofe accuftom'd Charity in Com-
paffion to his Weaknefs,' would have better
mftrutted him,. had he ever apply'cl to them
but the Opinion he entertains of his own Na
tural P:;1rts, makes him think 'twas never
worth his while. He will wreft ye many:
Meanings from an abfolute Nothbzg, and
argue upon 'the 'Vords Meal1i12g and ~
J.tlea1Ziug fo long, 'till be brings them back
again to the 'Centre of his Underftanding,
which is Notbi/lg: And jufi: fo be has done
by
,

. -
,
,

f 12 ).
by the Words Nohle1Jul71,and Pcr/ol1i of!2Jttt-
hq, as I made- him confe1S after his Harangue
was ended; he very' Frankly told me,
that he neither knew nor meant any thing
by either of the. \\Tords,' and Only bang'd ' .
them and other \\Tords to: and -ho for his
Pleafure, as School-Boys do their Shuttle-
cocks. - :
As a farther Specimen of him, I
give you not only fome more of his odd
)Ikltions, bnt thofe likewife of his Confede-
Jates (according to an excellent old Simile
that many have call'd their own, Match
tlre otfm'/ite1!aiers Tallies.

T Hi 5 :Ii1l1f)!!Jy WrfJ1Jgheai, Efq;.with

Ply Neighbour 7JlliloT Puzzlepatt, and his
intimate Crony and Counfellor,
IIslJtJ[.r of .lfdtlle"11111> Efq; are all. fo flu-
pidly fond of diving into the Nature of true
..lffetIfJisg, as t!wy call it, that I have
Jet mifs'd finding them clofely alIembled In
Tripple Alliance at Sir Martin Marr-nlfs
great Pnhlick Houfe near Crail1Jrai1J.iI!I,,)
Back-fide of 'BtthllJl1:"Q(pital, other
\rite calrd :Bellam: At which Place I had
at nrH: no fman Diverlion in being now
and- thetl admitted They, ieqlt:'
. 1.
,
;
13 ).
ly Hand to Fifr contriving, drawing up
Schemes, forming of'Ireaties, pr propofing
of Articles for the maintaining of Etymology
accordil.)g to its original S t a t ~ and ereCting
of l1arriers for the Defence of it, againf!: its
dreaded and mof!: potent Enemies, thofe
I,egi<'ns of 'Ioopees, and Gad.demye-Sirs,
which fort of People they take to be very
dangerous Fellows: And poor Wro1zghead,
with the ren, not enjoying a Stock of lZCW-
fajhio1z'd Lear1li12g fufficient either to ul1der-
ftand or engage them, were all like to have
been frighted out of their Wits about it i
yet had they loft the little Wit they po{fefs'd)
I can't but fay it would have prov'd the fa..
feft Shelter they could have pitch'd upon, to
hide them from their Enemy's Search j for I'm
perfwa,ded thl; Gad-dem-ye-Sirs efpecially,
would never have been able to have diftin-

guiJh'd 'em from tl)eir own Party, in that
Di(guife, nor could their Speech betray'd
them as Enemies to the Toopees} being with-
out Wit. In /hort, thefe 'Squires and the
DoCtor don't like nor underfrand their Bne..
my's Contrivance of the fum'd Powder and
l1alls for a Philofophical Battle ; they don't
approve of Jokes j they faid it look'd as if
they were thought Fools, and. had never
feen a Battle by way of Argument in good
earneft: Upon which, fflill. Yllzmderbu{r
recollecting, produced that worthy Piece,
h ~

( 14).
the 'Bilttle of the :Books, as a Prefident, which
fet th.:m an to Rights; and having fo good
1 a Proof, they immediately-prick'd.thatBook
~ o w n as one of [heir principal Forts.
,
. .
ONi Night I found them very near quar-
relling, endeavouring to decide whether Gi
braltar was of the fame Derivation with
Gib/iture, or G.ib/itore fynonymol1s with
Gibraltar: Or further, fhppoling that (ii:'
bra/tar and Gib/irore were two different
Places, whether they lay contiguous to each
other or not; and where they, or either of
them, were fituated, lying, or being; or
whether there was, or were not, any fncb.
Plate or PlaGes: All which they moLl: learn-
edly argued upon for fome time, 'till they
CQocluded with this weighty Opinion, That
if either of thofe Names ftgnified any Place,
or two Places, provided its or their Walls
we.re fo hard as either of their ,oint or fepa:'
rate Names [eem'd to them, that then, and
in fuch Cafe, it was their joint and feparate
Opinions, aad firong Belief, that fuch Place
or Places neither would, or could, ever be
taken; or if either it, .or they, fuould or
4IDUid ever be tQken, or took, it did not fig-
nifie one Fanhing to them, er either of
theuJ.: "For whereas fueh Place er Places
f ~ fituated far off, and as they, ner ei-
ther of them, had ever foon either one, the
other)

( 15 )
other, or both, they agreed it was hd Con-
Cern or of very loyally rub-
mitting to the Will of higher Powers, and
thenadjourn1d to the next .Evening.
T}l E next Evening my Curiolity invited
me to their Adjournment, where I found
them upon their old 'lt1pic. 'Squire lFro1zg-
head had, the Moment I enter' cl, Rarted. a
Q!1eftion concerning the Etj'mology of the
Word Craftfmfl1t; but mifiaking the old
Word for the new, which latter he firft pro- .
pos'd, and running on in his Argument the
wrong fide of his own Queftion, he bungl'd
fo confoundedly in his Endeavours to reafon
6n that Head,' that he feern'd to me like a
Jockey ar Newmarket, who rode his'
Horfe Jehu the wrong Side of the Pofi, oB
purpofe to lofe the Heat: And fo the 'S<fuira
continued for a while, 'till DoCtor Pztzzle-
pateturn'd the' Rein of his Thought,and
fet him in the right R.oad, by informing him
that the Word Craft.!ma11, which he feem'd
then to argne upon, could not be the fame'
tvith what he frem'cl fitft to mention; .for
the Craft/mml now [poke of, . was an an"
tiq'lte 7erm fora Trade!mmz, which wa's
fometimes taken for the Shoemaker's
nity, under the Jurifdicrion of' St. Cft!pi?z;
which Sett of,indufirious Men" call :one the'
or Craft/mm), "a pioUI.
: . fort
( i6 ) ,
fort of People, who generally keep St. 1I-101Z'-
itay, and fometimes St. Tztefday, lf1edl1C/"
day:, Thmfday, and St. Friday, Holy, as
Davs of Contrition and Pennance for their

having debauet:'d the foregoi ng Szmday.

But this I muft fay for 'em, .They labour
very hard the remaining Part of the \Veek
to make good their 10fs of Time, and to
maintain their Families. There is alfo the
Word Craft, or Craftfmall, as commonly
a.ccepted, for :Boats, Lighters, and :Barges
ftpOIZ the Ri'Ver, all which are call'd Craft,
and their Owners Craft/mm: But chiefly
this old Word Craft/matt feems to have its
Derivation, and moll: to be efteem'd, from
the moO: ancient and celebrated Brotherhood
of ArtJ mzd Scie12ces, the Free MaJm!s.
'Squire Wrolzghead, who feem'd pleafed
with a Defcription he had not heard before;
and ~ i n fet right, it encouraged him to
proceed in his ufual bright \Vay, upon: the
Dew \Vord, which, he raid, had, notwith-
fianding, fame Affinity with the old One, as
he found by what the Voflor had mention-
ed : For that altho' he did not really intend
that either Shoemakers, Owners of Craft,
or Free Ma[o,zs, fuould have had any Share
in the Que1tion, as he lrG: put it, yet he ne-
verthelefs, allow'd that his Meaning was to
examine into the Nature of fuch aCraftfma11,
OJho) in his Qpinio11) knew as well Where
thi

( 17 )

the Shoe pbzcb'd his C0U11trrymel/s Feet,
a1ZJ' Crifpin of them all. Likewife could
find where the Secret Trea/zere lay belong-
ing to a wreck'd re el, equal to the beft
Vi'!Jer among the ater Tribe i' and hiLl..
ly, whofe political Wifdom could as
faithfully keep a Secret that did not tend
to the Prejudice of JJe;z Pub, as any. Free
Ma/01z of undoubted Integrity: For, added
the 'Squire, the Craftfmall I mean, is, as I
.take it, according to Geflcology, without
ing. in the leall: beholding to the Flattery of
a Herald for a Pedigree, a ]riml lineally
from aCzemzi12g-mml, which CZt1Z-
'1zing-ma1z was the S01J ofalfi!c }'lall; which
lf1ifC Man was the Son of a COlqzt-rcr, which.
COlzjure.r mull: certainly have been the Son of
fomebody who knew the 'Dc'!Jil and all. But
ydu know the Magic there is in fame C01YU"
fi1zg 1rands, when you ,are once tlraW1J
within their Circles. Mum-13udget's
Word of Comma11d; and then what figni6es
the Signification of any thing one could fay
or do, when too often we find that our own
'Vords choak us, as fQon for being. pent ill;
as for their being utter'd improperly, er con-
trary to the 1ZCW 'Rules of Criti&i/m. , .
Will 1Jlu1zderhzt{s hearing \vhat
Confequences might attend parap-hrafing
, upon the Word Craftfman, and neither he,
; ISquire 'Timothy, nor the r.Dotfor,
(;. vero:
.<
'.,
"
( 17 )

the Shoe pbzcb'd his C0U11trrymel/s Feet,
a1ZJ' Crifpin of them all. Likewife could
find where the Secret Treafiere lay belong-
ing to a wreck'd re el, equal to the beft
Vi'!Jer among the ater Tribe i' and hiLl..
ly, whofe political Wifdom could as
faithfully keep a Secret that did not tend
to the Prejudice of JJe;z Pub, as any. Free
Maf01z of undoubted Integrity: For, added
the 'Squire, the Craftfmall I mean, is, as I
.take it, according to Geflcology, without
ing. in the leall: beholding to the Flattery of
a Herald for a Pedigree, a ]riml lineally
from aCzemzi12g-mml, which CZt1Z-
'1zing-ma1z was the S01J ofalfi!c }'lall; which
lf1ifC Man was the Son of a COlqzt-rcr, which.
COlzjure.r mull: certainly have been the Son of
fomebody who knew the 'Dc'!Jil and all. But
ydu know the Magic there is in fame C01YU"
fi1zg 1rantls, when you ,are once tlraW1J
within their Circles. Mum-13udget's
Word of Comma11d; and then what figni6es
the Signification of any thing one could fay
or do, when too often we find that our own
'Vords choak us, as fQon for being. pent ill;
as for their being utter'd improperly, er con-
trary to the 1ZCW 'Rules of Criti&i/m. , .
Will 1Jlu1zderhzt{s hearing \vhat
Confequences might attend parap-hrafing
, upon the Word Craftfman, and neither he,
; ISquire 'Timothy, nor the r.Dotfor,
(;. vero:
.<
'.,
"

( 18 )
yer-burden'd with Knowledge 1ilfficient to
make out clearly what a Craft/mall was,
or who be 'If.,'as; Tfill was very near prov-
ing a 'DiJJenter i for he urg'd, that 'fiords
without /fleatdug began, in his Opinion, to
appear tbeJafefl and mail: fajhiolIable
the !f'i[eacres ill Ejleem; and he did not
know but he might greatly mend his Cir-
cumfrances by taking a COll'::eiltic!e to him-
felf, where he :lhould ha\'e nothing further
to do than to choofe Em'fothi"umbo for his
Text the /itft 'Dol', Chimes (If the Times
the remaining Part of the \Veek, and colleft
Pellee witbo1!t Nzt11zber .. \Vhich .Motion [et
'Sqztire TJ'ro71fhead and the VaUnt immedi-
d
ately upon his ba.ck, calling him a mcrce-
1lary, fJew-fajhioll'd Fellow, raving like
Madmen left they ihould lofe fo excellent a
Confederate in their purpofed Alliance for
the Support of EtymolOfY. But in a fmall
Time their Fears were removed j for TfIi't
1Jlwlderlmfs, whore Fire' of Pallion only
flaih'd in the Pan, did no further Mifchief
than create a little Smoak, infignificant as
{l Tfhijf of 'Tobacco, which foon vanifued,
and all were reunited ; concluding, that they
knew no more of the Tf'ord Cftljt!mmz, than
that they believ'd it meant a very CU1Z1Ji!zg
lt1an; and that if it was fo, they ihould
be very glad to enjoy fuch a One's Opinion
of an that once to

,
.' I
of them; which Story I' had the Favour of
hearing related by themfelves the next Night,
to which they adjourn'd. .
'r H E next Night, according to Appoint:-
. ment, I did my felf the Honour of meeting
'em; and altho' at the beginning of the Dif-
courfe they cl that neither of them
could make any thing of what they were
going to relate, yet I propafed to my felf no
fmall Pleafure in hearing what odd Notions
fame People entertain of Things for want of
a right Knowledge.
THE. Y were fome time in deciding who
fhould bethe Speaker; but 'Squire
head at laft was appointed to hold Forth,
as having the beft Memory; and the Voflor,
with 'Squire :Blzmderbzt{s) were agreed to
fit duripg the Affair, as two of the Criticks
Jury did upon the Body of 'Di't'i12e Shake-
ipear, lately mttrder'dagai1z by agreat Poet,
to the inexpreffible Grief and Lofs of his Exe-
cutors the :Bookfcllers, who generally take
Poifeffion of Men's Souls, binding them up
ill Calves-Skin Coffins, before either their,
. Bodies care to part with them, or Nature
has the Time to take away their old Cloaths,
file has a Right to acc9rding to her:
owri Law.
At

( 2q ) ,

AT length the 'Squire open'd, with the

AWed of a Stuck Pig, and in the fQllowing
Manner gave me an Account of the unac
countable Accident that had befallen. this

wonderful
I T happeneq one Afternoon, raid the
we 'Ihree taking ferious Walk to
gether, willing to club each of us our
pence in the \Vay, unfortunately dropp'd in-
to adamn'd
the Reputation of which we were
9; where, to our great Surprize, found
our felves with a Sett of our pro
kts'd Enemies, the Gad-dem-ye--Sir" whore
Brnins rattled in their Sculls like their Dice

in the Boxes they we at play with : Sevelz or
Eie'lJC11 prefently flarted up in Minds,
and we too roan found we had 11ick'dit i
for in an Inftant they arofe, Gad demye Sirs
faid one, Gad Jem ,e Sirs raid another,
pnti[o 011 thro' the whole Compmzy; that in a
:Minute we were too fhong a Guard
for any pOffibility of making a Retreat: We
were immediately Chrillen'd according to
their Opinions, which don't a lit..
tle vary from 'Squire1l.1zmder..
bu{s they faid was a CaccaflgQ) Doctor
fJllzzlep.ttte they oblig'd with the Name of
a,l Old 'P1.ft, my felf they much honour-
ed
,
I

( 21 )
cd with the Stile and Title of all Old'Prig.
That we were all old Fellows, we readily
confefs'cl; but we humbly deGr'd, as they
had fhewn us the Lingular anq unneceffary
Friendiliip ofHanding Godfathers unask'd, to
three fuch Piecesof Antiquity,that theywou'd
add fo far to the Favour already receiv'd,
as to give us the Bleffmg of our LibertY to
<iepart thofe Premifes: To which Petition
they one and all roar'd out, (lond as a Bell
caft the Size ot Sr. 'Pauts Cup!llo with the
Monument for its Clapper,) Gad dem ye
8irs, you're our Prifoners, - - - Gad dum
ye Sirs, we'll have fome Fun with ye, - - -
.ibzd ay that they wou'cl, Gad dumye Sirs.
:Moft patiently we endur'cl being taken into
their Cufiody, and according to the Order
of their COJlllP.ittee we were foonhurried
away to a Mctamorphoji,zg Hou[e in the
Hay-Market; where, after having been for
fome Time made the Sport of another Gang
belonging to the fame Legion, join'd wIth a
Party of Toopus, they uncas'd us, and bound
Skins round our Bodies, each of a different
Specie of Brutality; which done,. they uili-
er'd us to a large Place adjacent, where they
turn'd us loofe out of our Knowledge, a-
mong a Herd of !1ieroglyphica/ lleafts, ~ o
iliifc for our felves, 'till the Fodder w h i ~
that Field afforded, was demoliJhed. 'Ve
.kept as near to each other as poffible, r ~
. folving
I
,
( 22 )
{alving to mufler up what little Reafon we
had remaining in this our Fright, :lild enclea-
voor to be contented with reHecting bet\'reen
our !elves on the Viiion rhat feem'd to be fet
- .
before us, and of which, to Ollr Afflictions,
we bore fome Part. We found our felves as
1lio;y,{lrOflS, as much (Jar'd at, utlllter'd, and
os little k,IOU'lZ as the reft, which was fome
Comfort ill our Misfortunes; wc heard no-
thi.'1gof great Confequence [aid among them,
nnlefs it was, Vo 'I'01f, klZOW me? which e-
,
\"ery one bark'd out in the Tone of a Lady1.
little Lap-VIl,1. ; and tho' many attack'd
us with that/itblimc Pbrafe, yet we remain-
ed ftcdfaflly .JlwJ1, which, I don't doubt,
made us fiigmatiz'd for flupid Creatures. I
own every thing was fo far beyond our Ca-
pacity of judging, that we could never fo
much-as account for the Meaning of any Part.-
Nevcrthelefs. the Notions we entertain'd
-
were many; for we conjeetur'd our telves for
feme Time no otherways than in a 'Irallce.
On one fide of the Place feeing a. Number of
Pyramids adorn'd with Hierogb'Phical Fi-
gtl-rcs, we verily thought our [elves in .IE-
{Jpt, where either we muft have been Kid.'
'Rapp'd, or CrJlljur'd by fame czmf1iJ1g Man
er other, out of a Frolick. The 9Jrovcs of
painted 13rdies which fialk'd by us, came
np to us, and dane'd round us, our
panick Dread, we imagining dircdly {for I
. can't
,
,

,
,
,.
,
,
,

,
( 23 )
can't fay but they put us rnightily in Mind of
the /t'11jztllm[s Pi Sill) that, perhaps tor feme
of our old Crimes, the Conjurer had raifed
JEgyptia1l, Mzt7J2mies from their peaceful
Mo)deztms, to give us not only out
Cbf.l,fiHe,nent ; ,al1d that the Ceremony was
to be perform'd by Death wrapp'd up in Swa-
thin'g, othimv,ays call'd Swadling :
13ztt we were mifiakcn; fer they prov'd
rather a, Number of lir:i71f" zwjOrmd Crea-
,? titr.es, tban Corpfcs fo well preferv'd as tha
'-','--]r1innmies Doctor Pttzz!epate had ,an-
.",. ,...
HIeroglyphical Way:
the, PyramIds, and "other
yihich lie in grc,a\ upon
Platform the Pyramid,s fiOOd on, feem. d.
him all Em51ematical Figure of the gooti
Things fet 11 pin the AiMr .rJ Baal, as a '5.1-
crifice te him; and that the Number ofGvr-
mal1dirers who ahout if, taking,:lH
before them, were as a T-J/JC of the Prirf/.;
in thofe Times, \\ho or took"i<'
themfelves {uch Gifts as were deGgn'd both
; for their Gods .alld -their' Cow;tn'. Afta
1', " '10'.
(:j which Sqnire .JJhmderbz:j;r rec(wd on tlS
;j , bqtll, faying] That as Ma.tters in Judg-
ment feern' cl turn' d T .in the
:{ \Vorld, .andap things to \'ti-y fo
>: pIuch in their Nature, it was impoi1ible: for
;:1: either of us who were educuted in the tmci-
11)1 pl4in to make agood and
"

.,
,
.'
,.
"
,
,
, ,
,..
. '
I :'
( 24) ,
Confirnd:!on of any 'tMdern
which he took that J7ijion to reprefent : And
npon the whole, we agreed that neither of
us knew any thing of the Matter. In
when the whole Crop feem'd eaten off the
Ground, one of the Gad-dem-ye-Sirs came
up to US, pull'd off his Hackney{ecul1d-ha1za.
C(JUntenancc, and commanded us to follow
him, whrch we no fooner heard than
We were clapp'd under a frelh Guard,
pored of himfelf and half a Dozen Toop.ees;,
who carried us back to thejfrippitzg Room;
re-equipp'd us with the inherited Apparel .oE
our Grandfathers, made us drink twoar
three oer, odd Healths, and at turn'd us
out node; a tripple Difcharge of Gad-dem'
yeSirs; concluding with the following moll
obliging Speech of, Take yrntr Lihertic!,
and mayye all Three he trebly dmltt., Gad
rlC1lZ ye 8irs. ..
.
T HIS Sir, (fai4 thefpea1eitzg 'SquireJW:J.S
the unexpeCted Ceremony of our Difrniflion,
nnd as foon as we bad recovered Faith
enough to believe we were at Liberty, and
Reafon fufficient to ask a plain Quefiion, we
hegg'd a Chairman (as he caWd himfelfj
tell us where we were j who not only very
civily informed ns, but with Ilzt1Jla1zitj (which
we had not met with among all the Society
\Ve had got loofe from,) freely offered;
Ui
,

( 25 )
-
lis Strangers, to be our Guides wherever we
pleafed to go: faying in a pitying
Tone, Ah Mafiers! you ve been among a
fad Crew Qf -VeviIs. But the Directions
which the homjfi Fellow gave us; being plain
as our Qleaion and Purpofe required, we
him tothe Value ofa Shilling by way
of Encouragement, and trudg'd Home, where
we arrived in Safety, to our great Comfort,
about the Hour of Six the Morning follow..
ing: The Afternoon we fet out: whiCh, (as
far -as Memory will admit of) is; to the beLl:
of my Knowledge, every minute Circuin-
fiance of the whole Affair: And thus ended
wonderful Story of this mofi learned
'Squire Wro12ghead, and his as wife Compa-
nions the Vof1or and TJlitl 'Blzmderbzeft.

THE y were tfJ6ry [olicitOllS that I would

give them my Opinion upon the Whole, and
begg'd me to fpeak-freely, for they were af-
fur'd that fo long a Story mull: Ggnifie fome-'
thing, and that it muft have fome Meaning
more than ordinary, becaufe it had puzzled
them for fo long a rtiine. I affitr'd them, it
feem'd to me fo far above my Capacity, that
imlefs' it was a joint Dream compofed of their
united Head.;.pieces - to puzzle me, I could
make nothing of it; bzmzbIJ'reqzteflil1g they'd
exeufe my Backwardnefs in arguing upon an
Affair which I declar'd had no other Appear-
D ance
,.'
.....
,
ance to me, than that they all feem'd to have
been terribly frightned at fomething or other,
which M) itery they themfelves feem'd not
very capaale, at that Juncture, to unravel.
Neverthelefs, I acknowledg'd the fingular
Pleafnre and vaft Diverfion.which I told,them
they had given me in the Dercriptiol1 which
'Squire Tf1'ollghead had fo eloquently fet
forth, This Speech which my wretched Ig-
norance had contriv'd, very foon demonfira-
red what a grand Ivliftake I had made; 1
too [0011 fotmd my felf as perfeCtly wrong, as
I'd before thought them; for they began pre-
fently to make me fenilble of their Refent-
ment, and dubb'd me aNO?l Com. which they
plainly fhew'd by Frowns dreadful as
clouded Heavens, that forebodes a Storm;
they bit their Lips, fiar'd at one the other,
and (to confirm me in what I dreaded) threw
their 'Tobacco-Pipes, like ThitJ1der-13olt$
from Jo::e.
DoCtor Pltzz!epate began with mumbling
out, He found me not to he the Man of Parts
he took me for ;- If'ill Jllzmderbu[s fe-
conded him, by muttering, That I was no
Specie of a CraftJma1z he was pofitive;' ,
and 'Squire U;roilghead, in his ufual difmal
\\7ay, agreeing with the reil) murmur'd
.forth manifold RefleCtions againfl: me ; all
which put together, felf intoa forrt
o

I
,
( 27 )
of united 'BltZ, founding like Wind at di-
fiance 'midO: the Trees before the Storm
begins. In {hart, I found the Noife grow-
ing louder and louder, which convinc'd me
that my whole Bufinefs upon fueh an Emer-
gency, was, by fome immediate Stratafem or
other, to endeavour at appeafing the tem-
pefiuous Rage which their high fworn Ba-
foms, fo poyron'd with Indignation, feem'd
to threaten me with: And as NecejJitv is
often found to be tDe fllotDer of 11lve;ztio7z,
:fhe was fo good a Mother to me at that cri-
ticallv1imtte, as to bid me fl:art fame damn'cl
hard lFord or other, which, very probably,
might turn their angry Thoughts, and fet
them upon a ditferent Argument, in their E-
tymological Conrfe of Sport, by way of
fre1h Game; which Advice I, like a dutyful
Child to fo indulgent a Parent in the very
Nick of Time, put in PraCtice with all de-
fir'd Succefs.
I BEG AN with the utmoll: Caution, in agen:'
tIe and moO: fubmiffive Tone, to importune
,
, the refenting 'Vorthies that they would, if
it was but for no longer Tm1e than two Afi-
lZZttes, keep faH: lock'd thore dreadful Gales
which held as yet conf1n'd the Furies of
their too much injui'd Souls.. - -- I acknow-
ledged in the humbleG: Terms ho\y much fu-
periour all their Jud.gmcnts were to mine, - --
and

( 28 ) ,
and that 'twas only to keep my Ignorance
conceal'd; that 1 had {hove the putti!ig off
a Difputation with Men of fuch Parts, efpe
cially upon a Subject fo far above my Reachf-
but humbly hop d, as they were \\,iqle.Hcs
how much I was concern'd for having 1'0
offended, that I might l:e favour'd with en-
jO) mg the Advantage of finding them prove
rather inllruttive l'riends, than Enemies:
adding, that my pleafing Hopes were not a
little ftrengthen'd by the Obfervations I had
made of that no':lle Unity, fo confpicuoufiy
fuining forth from their Tri1Z1n'!Jirate.
\VH IL E I was exprefiing this confounded
fet Speech, I eaiily difcern'd the Sky of thei,.
p h..rfiogllomies grew more and more !erme,
which. prompted me at once to put up my
deftgn'd a;1d well-tim'd 'Petitioll, which
I did in a very grave Manner: moil: humbly
defiring they \\ould aGifi the Weakners of
my Intelle. $, in giving me their Judgment
and Thmghts upon the EtJ11101or-J of what I
believ'd \' as l ~ old Word, caB'd MOM U 5,
newly broc'ght upon the prefent t g e ~
THE J\.loment I had nam'd the lford,
away flew \Vrath, Refentment was kick'd
cut of Doors, and a Smile of Joy frood
(:entiuel UpOl1 each of their Countenances.
THE y all at the Theme I had of:..
fer' cl, like callow :Birds while the old O128S
feed them, ' would have direcdy gone,
upon it 'Dillg dOllg, had I not regain'd .fo
much Favour with them) as to get the Ar-
gument deferr'd 'till the next Board; which,
neverthelefs) would Qot have been admitted,
but that I engag' cl my felf to produce at their
next Meeting, a Lift of a1ztiqztf! fFords that
were all taken into Cuftody in one Houfe,
and condemn'd for being in Confederacy
with -ftJormls; upon whom Sentence was
pafs'd by a General Court of Toopees and
Gad-dem-ye-Si1"s; a Sett of Wretches, who
notwithftanding they're bothRich and Gay.
yet accordi1zg to Cmztab. are neither Ricb
nor Gay. '
FOR TU N,E having thus quieted Aflairs,
they peacefully adjourn'd to the next Even..
[e'iiC1l ef the Clock precife!1'.

,
THE Time to which' they adjonrn'd. he".
ing fo ihort, there was no Opportunity for
me to get off my Bargain; therefore I had,
nofhing left to do but drawing up the pro-
mis'd Lifl with the greateft Expedition;,
which tho' I much wanted to be cxcus'd
from" yet it was fuch a Propofition as I durft
nO,r fo much hint to thofe tefiy Gentry,.
.

( 3) ,
who were fo unaccountable in their Methods,
and fo lery pm/il'lwJ aboM Nothillg, that
the leaft thing WaS an arrant Affront to them,
wl;1ich to Men of Reafon would have been
the Reverfe. . . ,.
Tbeir oddZVletbod of org1.til1g{o I01lg upon
tbi11gs ab{olzttely il1jig11ijicant, became as tire-
fome to me as they had formerly been divert
ing; and how I tumbl'd into their Favour I
can't tell; but it feerns they had regifter'd
me into their Society, without either my Con-
fent or Knowledge, at my firft Arrival, and
my filly Propofal in frarting this new Affair)
(as I found a little after) moll: firmly clench'd.
that Nail, which before they had only drove.
For one among them I mull: be, or other-
wife be haunted by the evil Spirits. of fome
one or other of their Family, daily as I
walk:'d the Streets; fo that I rather chofe a
private Perfecution than a publick one.
AT the Place appointed, fome time be-
fore the Hour, I had been refleCting upon the
ftubborn Society I was fo unhappy to be a
:Member of. .\Vhat the Devil were hard
'Vords to me, - -they were only Plagues,---
they never did me any Service, 'What Bu-
finefs was it ofmine whether 'Vords fignified
any thing, or nothing? - - -
;Method of Speech, withot-tt (l11y .l'4ea12ing,
other
( 3
1
)
other than what one pleas'cl to put upon it,
was more convenient for a Purpofe I intend.,.
ed to put in Execution, than all the quaint
Terms in ChriHendom: Bur alas! the Even-
ing came on, - - - and to a fecond of Time,
while 1was lolling in thepretty 'Barr-keeper's
Lap, I was difiurb'd with the Sound offe-
'Ve11 a-Clock, uiher'd in by the Trittmvimte,
who were now no longer a Tripple, but (by
the Addition of my Perfon) what they call
a 2Jtadrz6ple Alliallce.
I had but jufi: recover' cl from folacing my
felfin a very agreeable Manner, when Squire
JJI'lt11derbzt{s aJid his Compal1ioJls lllOt me
quite thro' the Ears, with a loud Salute of Sir
, 'Irmr mofl hztmble Scrvallt, &c. which Vol-
ley I return'd \\7ith Gmtle1nC1Z JOtt Ice I'm
pttllf!;ttal, and fo follow'd them to their 'fa-
ble appointed for Crofs Pztrpo[es.
T HE Board being fat, I deliver'd in the
Scroll, which look'd fomewhat like the Ti-
tle-Page, and firfi: Side of a Nomellclatztra,
but not fo explanatory. I told them very
plainly, I was never acquainted with any of
the People mention'd in it; (if they were
People,) and hop'd they'd excu[e me fi'om
any Part of the Argument, which they agreed
to. -They chofe 'Jlill 'Blzt11derbzt{s to put the
fluef/io11s, as Matter arofe, in proper Order ;
l!'1'Ollg-
( 3
2
)
,
tr'r(Jflghead and P1lzzlepate were appointed
to argue upon each Crarnbo, while I was
dulg'd to fIt as an Arbitrator, if I
upOn the Whole.
Rn 0 R! tbey heKan, I was defired only
to inform them, whether there was not fome-
thing more belonged to the Sc1'o/l I had
produced, to which I reply'd, there really
had been a of Book fiirch'd at the end
of it, but as feveral Perfons who fcan'd it
SYllable DV S, llaSle, have declared there was
J "
notbhlg ill it, I never took no Pains of per-
uting It, and fa carelel1y threw it afide. !
Yet believing 'twas impofIible fo many hard
Names and Things could be made nfe of
3bont nothing, I preferved that Part i and
thought my hying it before them, might be
a .Mea.'1S of Jringing fomewhat to Light,
that feem'd at prefent in Darknefs to my
:lhallflw Comprehenfion; and which I did
not doubt but the Crrlciples of their :Brai71s
would certa;nly effeCt. Further adding,
That as it feemed by fome illKCJlious Mml
deflgned for an E71tertail1711mt; I had
Reafon to believe it was a tiJery
f,o[.d oue, becaufe thole who [ome cal! the
1(1"11, did not iike it,. like the Fair
Sex 'U'ho gc!ul"alh c01zdermi a celebrated
1Jt(!lltY for beitlgfo. 'Sqttire \VRONGHEA'D
gaye me a gentle Reproof for offering.to'
hint
( 33 )
hint whether the Affair was good or bad
by. way of Opinion, before they had begun
to examine into the Merits of it in due
Form and Order. I acknowledged my
Fault.. Took the Rebuke with all Chri-
ftian Patience. Sat my felf down quiet
as a Lamb. . And Will Blzmderbztfs
read in his Place the following Scrolt which
open'd the Affair.
M0 MU S tum'd Fabztlifl, or Vztlcmz's
WEDD I N G, an Opera.
DRAMATIS PERSON 1.
JU P I To E R, Neptzme, Apollo, .liars,
Plztftts, Pztlca?z, MercztrJ', M0 M us.
JUNO, V EN U S, .lEG LE.

THE M1 N 1ST E R 0 F FATE.

SCENEisthe AVENUES tothtCcztrt
of DESTINY.
VI HIe H being read; 1fllt J3lzmder-
bzt{s .proceeded, and propofed as the fiJjl
QUefli011, that fllOUld give our 'Opinions,
u..lhether the Word: MOMV!' 1tH1S Tea; or
.E,.:: . Nay,
( 34} ,
Nay, atTi{creet lford, to hegilz the Title of
any thi1ig dejig11cd as an E1itertaiummt.
THE Door being thus far fet open for De"
bate,rDoftor'Puzzlepntewas directly opening
"'his Lips to enter upon the ArgUment, when-
mon unhappily he was difappointed by
Squire WrOflgbead, who got the Start of
him, hy having fpoke the firlt Word, fa
that TTi"o-ii1,bead was allcw'd to be firfr
heard, and accordingly gave us his Senti
ments as follows.
THE Squire began with declaring, That
the \Vord ld{;fJ'izls' in his Ears, differed very
much in its Sound from any thing that
could be entertaining to him, unlefs it was
the p1eafing Opportunity he bad met with, in
arguing upon its Et}1i201ogy and the Matter
in Debate. And that he took it to be a
mighty filly Effort of anyone to propafe
the diverting your Illiterate TJeoplc with
fuch a crabbed and uncouth \\rord as Mo.
mus; for that in cafe he was tu adverti[e
auy thing with a Piew of elztertairling the
Plthlic; his Judgment ihould lead him no
further than to ~ forth the whole Affair in
three Words, viz. A NEW. T SIN G. Af.
ter which, he i'hould have no occafioll to
"give himfelf the 'rronble cl any thing more,
than e&pofing to the View of whoever came,
either
( 35 )
either a 12eW painted Rattle: A 1ZeW till-
{e!l'd Hobby-HOI{e.. or a new fajhioll'd
Mou[e-'Irap. But he was of Opinion, tbe
RATTLE would befiIZdt the Ta[fe : And was
tolerably well aifure4 it could not accor-
ding to Law give any Audience liberty in.
a litteral Seofe, to fay they were trick'cl
or affronted. For what rcafonablc Crea-
tures, (fuch as every Audience is fuppofed to
confift of) could in Confcience deitre ffi01'e
than a Performance of all that either an
Atttbor had propo{ed to entertain themwith,
or their Cltriojity, having read the whole
Matter before Hand, prompted them to fee.
BUT the Sqltire' indeed admitted, that
he was not altogether void of apprehending
fome 7Jif!zwballces, which might attend the
Peljorma11Ce of even what he had propofed;
tho' never fo inviting in its Title, or jufr in
its Execution: For the Squire had faid, as he
had heard it very wifely obferv'd, that there's
120 gelleral Rltle without cm Exception j fo
he had great Reafon to believe himfelf not
too fecnre from Interruption, tho' his Scbeme
was New, Short, and Pathetic: There being
always fonnd a Mixture in AfJemblies of et
di[cen2il1g [ort of ]rIm, whofe extraordillal}
PelZetratiol1 generally drives them to put a
more extenftve, and perhaps a worfe Mean-
ing upon the Lttwbratiollr of an Autbor
than

,
than ever the AMhor meant. Of which
5eH, the Sqztire faid, he fuould fitft make .
bold to give fame Account, atzd thm pro-
ceed in his Argument upon the Qleftion. .
.
.. 0 F fnch di(cenli11g Gentry, the Sf/uirc
intimated there were three Vijlil1ffiol1S; viz.
the 'Xi/c) the - and the
all! Which threcClajJesof K11GW-
ledge, he faid, had their refpettive Degrees
of jztdiciallmployme12t affigned them for the
Corre'f1hig Errors according to their feve-
ral Capacides ill Critic.ifin; which they
were not only noted to tranfaCt with prodi-
gious i.Vlodifl), in the moil gmerous, private,
and COllCi[e Jlmmer ; but were likewife ce-
for their unparralell' cl Endeavours
effectually to eflablijh an IJtIzivclfal[ztblimity
with regard to Lctters, Speech, and Actio12:
And notwithftanding they are a Sett who
in their pure Nature may be difcovered to
enjoy as equal a Fondnefs for a 11CW thil1g
as any propofed Alldicllce ; yet the Squire
faid, the FZl1lCfi01z of fuch Men laid them
under an abfolute Neceffity ofalways fuow-
ing a remarkilble {ort of Vi(like to all
Perfi1-mmzces whatever; partly owing' to
their fear of lofing the twaccott12table Re-
ptttatioil which they had gain'd, of being
thought capable to fit in their Turns upon
the t)'f(!llicfil Thrones of CCJ1!itrc, in
Body
( 37 )
Body of an Amphithcatre, and partly thro'
dread of forfeiting the charitable Contrihu-
tioJ1s .of Pitt, :Box, and Gallery 1Ylo11cy,
which is often difiributed among them for
the noble ufe of their (ttpcrior Spirits, and
tltaf! Judgmcnt in daml2i12g according t9
their Manner, fuch .Aztthors Harks as their
di{crcct 'Bcllcfaffors or Patrons have nei-
ther leifure from their dolmt Stztdies to
amend, nor Stock fufficient of either Cott..
rage or Cr'Zlelty to condemn any other way
than by fueh their zt1ZCrril1g :Depttties.
T H! s, the Squire ['lid, being conlider'd,
made it feem to him morally impotIible for
his Proiect, tho' a 12ew thing, to come bet-
ter off than or the 'Vorks of many
Fools, who have their
i11 to mId Clltertaill the Pith-
lie: Which poetical Nmnp!cs, if they were
Ambitious of chiming in 'ZX)ith the Times,
fll0uld, according to the Nature of them,
rather chofe, either to have laboured in
'the Harnefies of Coa.cb HOIfes, or otherwife
fun in COl1pl es with the Collars of [porti1zg
2Jeades about tbeir Necks: In which fort
<J
of they would have met with much.
better Sllcccfs with regard to Pro112oti011)
than by all their mi[-Ipel1t Labottr of tbe
13r ah;, in compoung even the beft. Coup:-
lets of Verfcs, O'c. that their filly Noddles
. . coul4
\
,
( 3
8
)
,
could pretend to make : and therefore, he
was cOllvinc'd with refpett to fuch an En
tertaill111C71t as he had pro!,ofed; that altho'
~ m s fo exceedingly compa'i1 ; yet thofe three
mentioned Claffis of [ztperlative WiJdom,
would not fail doing him the Favour of be-
ing immediately about his Houfe; and
from whom he did not in the leaft doubt,
hut he fhould receive the following difcreet,
tho' fevere Ufage and Cenfure, by way of
tin odd },lethod of thanks, which they ge-
nerally pay to alZ Attthor for tbe Pai11s be
has took.
THE Squire raid he was perrwaded, that
the Tflife would take it into their Fancies,
to imagine by his prefenting to them a 11cW
painted Rattle, that he had done it by way
of Hieroglyphical Refle'Cli011 upon the Au-
dience: which Thought, he faid, could ne-
ver have enter'd his 1hallow Scull; if they
did not conftrue it fo of their OW11 Heads.
And Ten to One, he raid, if the '!Jery fPi[c
who are a terrible {ort of Critics, wou'd
not as undoubtedly cavil at the Rattle for
making a Noi[e, which their great Hi!dom
might perhaps take for a Sort of [peaking
in their ,",'ay; and wouldtherefore cry out
7Jamn tbe Performance, 'tis O'lt of the
jfrliJ Rzdes of Pantomimes. .Which if
it fuould fo happen; he raid thore two mif..
, chiccotts
( 39')

chievotls COlzjefftl.res of Rejleffiolz and

Noire, would inevitably draw upon him the
infupportable 8elttellce of the ff1fej1 of all)
who never fail chiming in with the firft
and {ecoltd ClafJes, and are fo great in their
illterrztpti12g 112gemtity; that no fooner thall
an Altthor has been judg'd Gltilty by the
wife, and very wife; but the wifejf ofall at
once pronounce him dClmll'd withoztt givhJg
him the OpportmJity of a fttrtber Hearing.
Infrantly putting a Stop to any other Perfon's
being either diverted or quiet, J3ecau[e they
wo;z't like the Thi1zg.
EA CH of thefe Cla/fes the ~ q u i r faid.
had theirre{peffive 1JZt,/ille{r prefcrib'd,
which is as follows, viz. 'The lPife were ap-
pointed to./hake tbeir Heads, and be oftea
juftling whoever fat by them; , The 't'cry
Wife were to Gri1t1t by way of Prologue
to a Hili, al'ld fo to excite many others
who knew no better, to do the fame by
way of Fzt12 as they call it; . And the
'owi/eft of all were to found to Arms ,vith
their 'Ir'llmpets made rI Scorpiolls lliJckle-
b011cs, blowing up the .spirit of Re!entmclzt
throughout the whole .I1JJembly, \yho, accor-
ding to their Defign, were immediately to
di/like eoery thitJg except the Han11012J of
,their gral1d HlIrriu!1Jc of C(Jtt-cailf! :
By Accident, indeed, the 'Sqttire faid,
an Allthor might efcape in a tolerable Man..
ner; but that he own'd muft alone be owing
to a certain fort of .J1iflakes thofc plodit/ott!.
wife Gmtfry now and then happen to make
in either HiJJillg or ClappiJlg improperly:
\Vhich feeming Error (when enquir'd into)
they cxczt{e '!Jcry ha1zdfomely, by faying, they
either left their Memorandums at Home, or
unfortunately mifimdcrflood110t 011ly the Na
tnre of the Thillg, Imt alfo what their Pa-
tr01lS bid'em do; either of which, the'Sqztire
faid, he had great Hopes they would be guil-
ty of at his propos'd E,2tcrtainmellt, tho'
'twas to cOllftfl hut of 011C Thing j for he had
known a Sett of them blunder extrava-
gantly i12 applaztdi1lf, fuch balderdaili Stuff
as Shakefpcar's, Otway's, Congt"ettJc's, and
and others, alike \Vretches of Authors, point
blanc cOl1trary to the of
13CJlej'affors. .
,
o!; E thing more the 'Sqttirc faid he had
obferv'd with refpeCt to the COltraf,c of thofe
Perfons who fhow their pretty Teeth, yet
--nc,::cr :Bite; whofe ra/ottr is not a little to
be admir'd! For notwithfianding they will
neither Compo[e themjidccs, (as a certai1z Atl"
thor defir'd them) nor oblige the 'World with
the Knowledge of their Perfons, yet in the
midft
. -

( 4
i
)
midlt: of the greatefi AffembIies, wirh an arra":
zing and undaunted A!fitrallCc, t:lcy'lI rr:akc
nothing to fer the \vnole l11!dif!lCe /11 t'll! Up-
roar, and under Shelter of their
riry, being 2l1J a Full-Pot 10 the
Cenrinel, will bid'Dejm2ce to tbe 1/>/l
ble Circle to call them to
,
The 'Sqztire (after th:s }tclat;n:;) l'1occed..;
ed upon the 2Jteftiolz, \Y{)!ldr:ilg how
an bgClziotts Azsthor with ScholaHic {.earn-
ing could make fo unhappy a Cbo'cc as he,
thought MOrlms was, for his Firfi H'urd of
hzvitatiolJ, unlefs he had firf!: gaii1'd a Num-
ber of Profelites fl1fficient for his Purpofe, by
bringingback a Part of Mank;nd to the good
and wholefome old Way of and
original Stare of Innocence. For I remem-
ber, Jaid the'Sqttirc, to have when I
was at School, of one .Uomz:s, who W:iS
hated by all us zt1zlztcky 7Joj'S ; Hnd tho' our
Ma{fcr (who difcern'd our Dif1ike of him)
told us, that notwithftanding lv]o1JZzts might
feem to us a very odd Fellow, and a Tell-
Tale, Fattlt-f12dillg God of the .I11zcie7lts,
yet he was as ufcflll in his 'Way as any
God of them all; for which Reafon he
urg'd that the Boys ought to reve,c him.
Neitcrthelej's,we 'ltlz!z!cky Diles beir.g near
as cunning, tho' not altogether 1;) ... ;IS our
Mafter, foon difcDver'd he \.'/2.5 r:, ': little
{elf.. interefied in what he had f:i d ; :L: d that
F .beillg
( 4
2
)
hei1ig i11!Crm'd of other People's CrimeJ was
a Thing be much lik'd. which made him
cry up ltlomus. Therefore to be as much
on a Parr with our _Mafler as ollr young
Beads would reach, we uoanimocdly gave
each Fa'f)uurite 'Boy of his, who \vas nat,u"
rally addiCted to run with our Faults to
:Ear, the Nick-1Ja'fJZe of Momns ;, and i,nHead
of agreeing with our Z11after's Counfel, we
cultivated a greater Diilike to the Name
than ever ,more efpecially when 'twas evi-
tient, That not one of us ever fufter'd the
Lafh under hb Momus was
the Caufe of its being put in Execution ; and
Pique the Squire faid a great
in the Affair he was arglling,
made him the more wonder, that Man
could believe itpofiible. tc? fmgle out, a
of worthy People, without a of
,.e!m#llg Scbwl-'Boys, who had.
iIleconcilable Inveteracy all TelJ-tale
1vlomus's: Befides, the. Squire faid, if rhe
... iJrI0111ttS he upon, anfwer'd the Cha-
ratter he formerly read of him; he mull: be
a crufiy, furf)') pee-vifh, impudeut, ./yhzg
FellfY'JJ, who \\ould not. bau,lk ..
find Fanlt with hi! Gods, tho
never fo much his Superiors; and without
Favour or Affection made it his Bufinefs the
telling as many fa!{e erales as Q11eS :
Therefore, aid the Sq:tirc, who amoflg us
. . could

( 43 )
could have thought that a political
would ever have chafe fuch an Ott! of the
way Perflm as ,Momns, for a '}ack-pztd:"
diJzg to divert a Number of People; who
J
altho' they are without Fault, N'ine
of them in Ten" depart grumbling, out of
a true Spirit of Humanity ; refenting to hear
their Neighbonrs Crimes publiflled on this
Stage'of Life, by foch a Night-Bird as Mo-
1nZts? For, if Memory han't given me the
Slip; MOlmts was th,e real Son of that dark
and Jade, Night, who Ihelters all the
Whores and Street-Robbers abollt Town,
notwithfianding the COllvex-Eyes of Aflrea
are judicially fix'd at man: Aoemtes, for the
faftConduCt of hOl1efi 'Bachmzaleal1s, who
feldom take their Journey homeward 'till
that black Hagg Madam Ob[cttrity is got
abroad in her full Meridimt. I own, fome
Sycophants now and then flatter the Huffey
with the Name of jQut never-
mull have the Liberty ofhating the
Baggage for into the World that fad
Fellow Momzts. '
, "
THE, to his Argnment
againll: \V That as very
few wou d be dIverted WIth hearing', their
Faults, ltlomus could not be any' \vay en-
tertaining ,to fuch a Number as an Author
inclines to Invite: And as he believ'd- 1de-
1111ts

( 44) .
1J2tts was a \Vord underllood but by very few,
it could not be judg'd any more inviting to
that Part of the defir'd Number who did not
know him, than to thore that did; for as
the frft :Blow is generally accounted 'h'rtlf
the l1ott/e, fo the firft a1ld emphatic lford
of {l 1itle generally ftrikes the Readerts
Mind with Pleafure or Diflike, making half
the Impreffion at one Stroke, be it good or
bad. Aplain Inllance of which the' '$quire
faid, we might daily fee, by only giving our
felves the Trouble of llepping into a 'Booklel.,
ler's Shop, where we fuould quickly difcem
how much fuperior the Policy of a J3ook[cllef
is to the Judgment of alZ Author j by obrerv-
ing the Lime-twigg'Titles of their own com-
pofing, which are laid in great Order on
their Compters, to catch the cin-ious :Birds.
of Life, who wou'd ne'er be taken in by the
Author's Ch{1j{, if there was not a little
Rhetorical Cont ofa :Boo1e[cller thrown over
it. And therefore he faid, Momzts walZti11f!
o
that Lime-twig!!, Facltlty, was 110t, itz his
Opillio1Z, a difcreet lJ10rd for the :ritle of
O1Z El1tertaim12ellt: But he own'd himfelf
not fo fufficient a Judge as the Matter in de-
bate requir'd; and he debr'd 'Doc-
tor Pttzzlepate would begin, and oblige
him with his 'Iboughts tepo1z
, 'Squire having thus clored his
Dif..
.'

( 4; )
Difcourfe, gave a much long'd-for Liberty
cl' Speech to the Voflor, whofe Impatience
prevented the Ceremony of a fecond Re-
queft; for in half afec01ulof Time he prov'd
his undoubted Right of being the next imme-.
diate Omtor upon the SubjeCt in Hand.
THE Prelude of his Harangue confined
.of two or three awkward Compliments. to
'Squire lflr01zghc(ld, upon what he had fpol\.e
(If lr}omztS, with regard to' his having faid
fo much, and argu'd fo very long upon a
Theme which did not feem to him
fo well propos'd in the 2Jeefli01z as otherwifl'
might have been: For, faid the Vo'Ctor,
Friend 111zmderbzt{s not having difiin-
guith'd whether the ]Vamc in was to
be argu'd upon as the lwciclzt Momtts, or
one of a modcr1z Stamp ; .it could not be
.well by any tingle GCl1ius "tiIlthat
roint was clear'd : Neverthelefs, he faid,
.it gave him his wifu'd-for Opportuniryof
arguing in a different to what 'Sqzdre
Wr011ghead had raid upon it; he was much
better pleas'd with finding filch an Obfcurity
,in the 2Jee[fiolz, than he fuould have been tp
have had it putin a plain Way. For ,
q)o'i1or faid. if the jl10mzJs in debate had
J . ._
been abfolutely flated as the Faztlt-ji1zding
Whclp of the Al1cimts,. he mull in fnoh
Cafe have tpsmght himfelf immediately
bHg
,
( 4
6
)
blig'd to fubmit in all RefpeCts to what
"Squire Wronghead had advanc'd on that
Bead, and to have direCtly laid down his
'fitdgel .I1rgul1ient upon the. 'Sqpirt's filfi,
Blow. -
BUT as the .QJte[fi011 feem'd in the 7)oc-
-lW'S Mind to fiand thus hetween Hawk and
l1uzz.ard, he hugg'd himfelf with the Acl-
he had in its being as liable to be con-
{\rn'd by him for a modern Momzes, as .an
tltJt;qttc Chitr/; and thereupon he took
Freedom of faying, That his Opinion was
not the difiance of a Furlong from down-
right believing, that fllppofing it modern and
fJery nw, it might pOIIlbly be very diverting
amongfome Folks for fome time; there being
one Tbing. in that Cafe which feem'cl to him
exceedingly in Favour of the 'Vord lrJomuJ,
whether it had any Meaning or none :Foj
:the Vofior faid, That to the
Comfort of feveral Perfons whore Births had
happen'd to refine 'em, and who, for the m<>(l
-part, may chance to entertain a darling Par-
{ioo fer fuch Words, while new; he could
dure them they bad an -Opportunity
,embracing, to fay great . in this
f1ItlS's Behalf, With refpett to its having
been as yet poIuted by tbe vulgar Accent
of either Footmen, Chamber-mazt/x, or C.ook-
; nay, nor was it ever more than
. once
( 47 )
once (and then but rofely whifper'd,) by ,a.
Lp/is Hfommz,. whp met her jzi/l,
RtV)ard for domg fo, m beIog {oU1taly chi(4,
Therefore, the Voflor faid, he did not doubt
but lYlomzls was not only in E1l:eem at that,
Time among the better Sort of Folks, but
was very likely to remain fo for a confidem...
hIe while, being a Word n6t commonly
derfiood, and by that good Fortune efcap'd'
a Mixture with your paltry comm01Z SC1?/c,
which fort ofK1zou
1
!cdgc is with Rca[oiz
,/zotrnuch 'l){t!tted., o'wing to the me012
tra'f1io11 the Wretches who mojt vulgar!"
the U/e 01/t., . '
, '
. ,'. \
. Neverthelefs 'Doflor 'Puzzlepote
not, to his accufiom'd Method, 'a.
void flying off a little from Se
eurity of the Word tho Hated by,
himfelf as modenz and New; for the Vo'ilor
.. -. .' . . . .
raid, he could neither abfolutely nor prorerly
warrant Mmmts's continuing an Hour longer
in Favour than \Vords of common Senfe and
good Meaning; heha:ving obferv'd a Sett of
Ferfons whofe failiionable Method of pro..
"I '
cE;eding had alm9HdeUroy cl the Foundation
,of Heady Princi'ples, by fetting him
of dc/pilillg every aJre,.
it had bem once hd,11dledby People of a low
Ra,l1!; which' 01fer:,,!oti011, faid,
,vine,d him tbat the bCfl of T,bZ1Zgs were but
, ,. }hart
, . ,

,
\
( 4
8
)
/hott-liv'd with regard to FtlC'ottr; arid
therefore he was of Opinion, -that in a fmall
Space of Time there would be an open Rup-
tUre among a Sett of Perfons focieting in
fefublies of their own Inttitution, which So-
ciety feem'd eftablith'd by them, out of a due
l{e[peC! -to public Oeco1Jom,', with the addi.;o'
tioilal Contrivance for its better Support, and
to feive their Friends of that mofl exellmt
Amu[emC11t calldQuADRILlE, in \vhich Di-
vernon the glorious Examples as well of nl-
iluflry as F1"ztgality are remarkably con{pi-
CflOUS, by daily inftrucHng .Mankind in the
difcreet fl11d pleafil1g Art of paf!i1Jg away
their Time; which leifure Days and Nights
they might otherways have loft, or elfe em-
ploy'd much wode, if poffible! The Vo'f1or
added -as an irrefragable Rearon for his
Fears, with regard to the Downfall of dear
Ra'!Jijhing QUADRILLE; that to his Know..
ledge its Reptttati011 wasfiai1z'd with bei11g
Copied by the Vulgar ; for he had been cre-
dibly inform'd, that a Li11k-boy, a Chimney-
[weeper, a11Iack-jhoe.hoy, and a Kell1zcl'ra-
leer, were very -lately iffe.mbled at a Cellar
in Sobo, over a Full-Pot of Butt.Beer; with
Tobacco and -Pipes; where after they had re
foo
plac'd themfelves, at each Corlier
Of a Joint-Stool,whicb {er'!}'d them as a
TaUe; with their Landlady's ragged, dirty
Jprol1 inflead of- Velvet, to keep tbe grea/j
-. - . Cards
( 49 )
Cards clean: they impiouily mimicktd flieir
1Jcttcrs, a1zd plary'd away the whole Nieht
at Qpadrille. And alfo he had receiv'l' a-
nother Information of the fame Nature, That
a Pudding-womml, a Ylallad-ji11ger, a
Cylzder-wC1zch, and a Card-match-makerjs
CJ)aughter of Rofemary-Lane; were alike
met in another Cellar hy Tyburn-Road, St.
Giles's, all of them in' a loving Way, O'IJcr,
a Hot Pot, dexteroul1y iliuffiing the Pack,
dealing round to one the other ill dzte Or-
der, with the fame Infolence of the Sohu
Party, and at the fanie Game, much to the
CDifcrcdit of renown'd but what
was firange; he c01/fcfs'd there was 110t to
hiS Hearilzg one "Whore am01zg them! The
therefore feem'd coiwinc'd that the
Gentlefolks of the 'l'o'tJJ1z would cer/aildy
lea'Oc it fIIf whelz they 01Jce fltmd it/0 mttc!J
ahusd. .
THE VoC1or proceeded with a 't'ery odd
r.Apol0rtl for his Vigreji01z, which he jufily
fuppos d we thought him guilty of; giving us
to underftand, that he took that rozmd-about
Way purely to makehis ArgmJ'it1lt appear the
fhorter, and to fhow his prodigious Skill in
Rhetoric, by firft making us believe that he
cl of and then how
was to brmg htmfelf 'clean off agam, by
chiming in with our Sentiments of Diflike to
the Word, on 4ccount of not feemin& fuffi;.
. . G clenvy
( 50 )
,
,

cjently underfiood to be any way

which the ']J{;t!or endeavour'd t-o demon-
ftrate, hy traverhng the .Matter a little further,
and giving us his Report offome Notions tbat
were entertain'd ofit in feveral Families,with
whom he had been frequently debating upon
its Etymology before that Evening: tho' he
was fo fiy as not to make any of us in the
leafr privy to it 'cill that 1Ioment.
THE CJ)oflor began his Report \vith de';
elaring he had found moil People of Opinion
that the in difpute, was a modem
Name: and was thought by a. Perfon in one
Family, to have been invented by its Author.
in the way of a 1iew-fa./hi01/d Family Rid-
die: and therefore they argued upon it in the
familiar Phrafe of Riddle l1ry Riddle my
Ree, &c. - But the 'Doffor aifur'd us; that;
after a tedious Debate ended, none of them
could find out neither what this Momtts
. .
could be, nor who.
I N another Family he faid where they
were npon the \Vord; a Nm{e
who was leading a Child about the Room,
put in her Verdid, and begg'd her Lady
would give her Leave to Il1ake Ufe of that
;word Momzts for the little. Mafter
in Awe when he was naughty, infiead of
.Rau1headaud J3loody.bol1CS : for file thought
it founded a more gen.teel Namethaa
. . either

( 51 )
either them, or 'Bugga-'Bow. Her Lady repri-
manded her, - -bid her mind" the Cradle, --
and rejoin'd her Thoughts upon.Momus, with
thofe of the Company: whiCh amounted to
no more tlian the Opinion of others, who ge-
nerally us'd <to ,fay, Let Mowus have a
ing or no Meaning ; or be it what, or who it
wou'd? 11 0 M us had coli them a great
tleal ofMo12ey to no purpofe, alld that was
all they kllewof it.
"
I N the next Family, where the whole
COl1verfation wasengag'd upon the fame En-
quiry, the 'Do'5lor faid, be could reach no
nearer to the Meaning of lJJOl11tlS, than he
bad done before ;. and he confefs'cl, that in
all his Vifits he had not met with one who
lik'd it : For, notwithHanding they had been
at the H012[e where the Creature was jho'(ml,
and examin'cl the whole Matter; they could
not make any thing of it: all agreeing, that
it feem' cl to them like a Man making a Eld
Noife; very ill drefs' ',ll1d a thing
that no-body could tell what to 111ake of;
more than that, "everv-body faid, (if that was
Momzts.,) he feem'd J to be got i11to vel]' bad
CompalZJ' j joining with others in their Con-
cJufioa; That Jlomlts had cqft them a de-
deal of M01le)!, which the 'Doctor
faid, they to convince him, pl'oduc'd the [01-
lowin?; 'Bill vI E:,pelltfs for their Family the
fufi Nigh.t. Ex-
"
( 50 )
,
cjentlyunderfioodto be any entertaining:
which the 'Do'Clor endeavour d t-o demon-
fhate, by traverfillg the M,atter a little further,
and giving us his Report offome Notions that
were entertain'd ofit in feveral Families,with
whom he had been frequently debating upon'
its Ety11lologJ before tbat Even,ing: tho' he
was fo fly not to make any of us in the
leafr privy to it 'rill that Moment.
THE cnoClor began his Repott with
elaring he ha9 found ffiQ1t People of Opinion
that the 111(i'tnlls in difpute, was a modem
Name: and was thought by a, Perfon in one
Family, to have been invented by its Authol: .
in the way of a 1Jew-!ajhioll'd Family Rid-
dIe: and therefore they argued upon it in the
familiar Phrafe of Riddle. my Ridd!e my
Ree, &c. ---. But the 'DoUor aifur'd us,. that
after a tedious Debate ended, none of them
could find out neither wbat this
- -
could be, nor who. .
I N another Family he raid where they
-were difputi9g -npon the 'Vord; a Nztr{e
who was leading a Child about the ROOlll,
put in her Verditt, and begg'd her ,Lady
would give her Leave to 1l1ake Ufe of that
MfJmm for the l?:eeping little. Maller
in Awe When he was naughty, inqead of
.Rawbeadalld, :Qloodybol1cS : for thought
it founded a more gen.teel.Name,th,an
. . either

- ,

( 51 )
either them, or Her I,idy repri-
manded her, - -"bid her mind" the Cradle, --
and rejoin'd her Thoughts upon.Momzts, with
thofe of the Company: whiCh aIilOunted"to
no more tnan the Opinion of others, who ge-
nerally us'd.to fay, Let Momzb.S have a
ing or no Meaning; or be it what, or who it
wou'd? 0 M us had co/! them a great
t{calof,MoliCY to no purpofe, mid tbat was
all they kl1ew-' of it.

I N the next Family, . where the whole

COl1verfation wasengag'd upon the fame En-
quiry, the 'Do'ilor faid, be could reach no
nearer to the Meaning of J.lomzts, than he
bad done before;" and he confefs'd, that in
all his VUits he had not met with one who
lik'd it : notwithHanding iheyhad been
at the H012[e where the Creature was jh(}Wll,
and examin'd the whole Matter; they could
"not maKe any thing of it: all agreeing, that
it feem'd to them like a Man making a [ld
Noife, very ill dreNd, ,md a thing
that no-body could tell what to "make of;
nlOFe than that, "every-body faid, (if that was
he feem'd to be got i1ZtO ver)' bad
Cumpm2J'; joining with others in their Con-
cJuGoa; That lv[omus had cqft them a de-
r:;ilijh deal of MOlle)" which the <jJoffor
faid, they to convince him, prodllc'c1 the fo1-
10win?; :Bill c1 E:'ptllCfS for their Family the
fufi Ex-

(52 )
,
Expended in Sir Bumpbry Snarle's Family for the
. Account of the New Entertainment
MOMUS, viz..
For Coach-hire to Lincoln-1}m-Fieltls . 00 I 6'
. oneoftheir own Horfes bemg lame.
Four Placesin the Side-Box for the

Old Lady, her two Daughters, and

the Young Gentleman (their nrfi: 01 I 0
Coufin,) One Guinea. Which was
I s. in the Box-keeper's Pocket.,-
The Book of Momus. -
00 I
Tea inthe Boxes, and Orange...Chips. 00 2 (,
Coach Home. _.-- =
00 I 6
Befides Expenees in dreffing for the"I
newEntertainment, Extra Milinary
Ware; fuch as Political Gaufe-Heads
for encouraging the SpittleJields Wea- '-21
vers,inPiquetoth.eOHendTrade,&c. r .
together with feveral other :
Eaubles, a1:d a SupperJpoifd. - Mo.. ,
deftly judg'din Whole at about .
o 0
.--,-"......;.
Total 22 8 0
,
-
,VHIe H Bill it feems made the good old
GC71tlcmau (who waitedfor them at Home
v;itb Impati.ellcc) an Oath of the Erft .
Mag=
( SJ )
Magnitude at their Arrival, that they- were
a Pack of inconfiderate Fools: For that
after all their blundering about Riddles and
the Meaning of this, and that, and 'tother
tho'they could not make it out, 'twas ain
to him as the NoIe 011 his Face; that OtltUs
was Latinfor two and Pou1zds eigh&.
Shillil1gs Sterlilzg. . .
THE Vo'ilor at Iafr having {pun out hiS
Difcourfe to the utmoft limits of his Lungsj
came to the following Clofe of his Argu-
ment, which we as heartily long'd to hear
ended, as his eager Mind was defirous of
beginning it. . .
HE faid that, in {hort, appear'd
to him in fome refpetts entertaining enough,
but in others quite contrary. He thought
it an indifcreet Title. He could make

nothing of it,,' and the reft of the Title

feem'd to him very ill compored. For the
\Vord l4'edditzg in it was not Mar-!.
riage not having a Sound fo exceedingly in..
viting as it fuould have; nor the Word
,era did not feem altogether fo pleafing as
it has been: But as for the 'Dramatis Per-
{o.lltC! it look'd in his Mind like the Lift of
a Tag-Rag alld :Bob.-Tail Crew, Qot wor.
thy his arguing upon, but in the Lump 2
Therefore he us his o..pinionof it in few
. ,Vord$,
,

,
( 54 )
. ". .
'VorJs, That he believ'J them to be a Par..
eel 'of very 'forry ,Vretches, and tho' he
knew nothing of one more than the other;
he guefs'd the lrJi11ijfer of Fate was meant
for Jack Catch .i the Scene of tl1e. .
Ncwf,0te, &c. andtbe Court uf '1Jejlill}
for the Oldl1aily.
, Will 'J31ul1derhz{s rav'd confoundedly at
<j)o'ilor 'Puzzlepate for having Sum'd up the
Whole, and efpecially in fo few Words, be-
fore he had divided the rell: according to
.Order,' into particular, (and what he call'd)
proper Q!xeftions; which he faid he had
been preparing all the time 'Sqttire Tfr07Jg- .
bead and the Voctor were in,de.bate. But
after a fmall Squabble, I affum'd the Privi-
lege they gave me of an Arbitrator, and
foon pacified their mutinous InveCtives one
againft the other, by averring; thett each of
them hadfttlly prrr./d by the Excellmc'Yof
their TJifcomfes, tbat 'twas very plain there
was 110 Mea1Jil1g ill allY one they ar-
gu'd ttpon, more than that by their }r1otto it
appear'd that [ome Folks really bet-
ter /leal a Hor{e th011 others look occr d
Hedge; and I knew nothing wanting but to
make a due Entry, and clore the Minutes of
the Night with a Memortwdttm with regard
to 'Titles in gClleral, according to their new
.J.lletbodof Criticifm, by way of Addce!o
a

( )5 )

a New A,mhor, which was agreed to as f01..

10\,\,5, 'lJiz. MemormIdztm, That alz Author
woztld meet with more Sztcce{s in maki12g a
Dramatis Perfonx of the Vt'lJils ill ]7ogtte ;
whole Pleafitres;woztld he more dif/Jerti1Ig
thml oue compos d of the mzcicl1t and dc-
cay'd Gods, who{c Virtues are out of Fa-
jhi011, a11d Vices [0 little car'dto he hear&!
me12ti01z'd.
lFill1Jlzmdcrhzt{s, indeed, requefted m e ~ -
(being dubb'd their Secretary,) that I would
not clofe the whole Matter without adding
two Li12es of his own hatching: and begg'd
they might be regijler'd ill H0120ztr of their
J3rotber Wronghead i which being done)
we departed with the Ceremony of r e ~
well) God be withyc, Tour Ser'lJa12t)
. alld Good Night. The Lines were,
'As Seeds of NonfenceJuit all Climes,
The Wrongheads may be Right fometimes.
; b e; ;; '. h c, .
,
FINIS.
,