Stony Brook Medical Rummy Resigns Amid
Center Loves 1987 Bipartisan Criticism
By Rebecca Kleinhaut
___________
1987 was a step in the right direction for
the recognition of HIV and AIDS as a for-
midable problem. The World Health
Organization uncovered that HIV could be
passed from mother to child during breast-
feeding. Randy Shilts’ book And the Band
Played On, which chronicles the opening
years of the AIDS epidemic, hit the shelves.
It was the year in which the FDA approved
the retroviral drug AZT.
Unfortunately, this was also the year that
police arrested protestors outside of George
H.W. Bush’s speech at the Third Annual
International Conference on AIDS while
wearing long yellow rubber gloves.
It is safe to say that many stigmas about
HIV and AIDS have been clarified or
cleared up since 1987. However, the Stony
Brook Medical Center’s HIV procedural
manual has not been updated since that
year.
This was one of a few violations that
were uncovered by New York State’s
Department of Health (DOH) during their
investigation of the Medical Center’s viola-
tions. In a report that was released on
November 3rd, the DOH announced that
they had found 36 violations in the Medical
Center, and one place where they had found
them was the HIV/AIDS Center. According
to the report, “There is no quality plan for
the Designated AIDS Center. A routine sys-
tem of communicating emergency services
reports on known or suspected HIV-infect-
ed patients to the AIDS Center has not been
established.”
Later reports also uncovered that the
files of AIDS patients were easily accessi-
ble, with the names of the patients located
in a highly visible area. According to New
York State’s HIV Reporting and Partner
Notification Law, the term “confidential
HIV-related information” refers to “any
information, in the possession of a person
who provides health or social services…
concerning whether an individual has been
the subject of an HIV-related test, or has
HIV infection, HIV-related illness or AIDS,
or information which identifies or reason-
ably could identify an individual as having
one or more of such conditions…”
Although no specifics have been released
about the exact location of the files, a viola-
tion would be committed if the names were
in plain sight of any patients or passersby.
2 www.thestonybrookpress.com
Stony Brook Medical Center is one of
three designated AIDS Centers on Long
Island. The other two are North Shore
University Hospital in Manhasset and
Nassau University Medical Center in
East Meadow. It includes the A I D S
Education and Resource Center, which
offers training programs about HIV and
preventative tactics to the general public,
as well as the Pediatric AIDS Center and
the HIV Treatment Center, which pro-
vide Long Island’s HIV-infected popula-
tion with free experimental medication
and tests. The latter has been open since
1985. As a designated AIDS Center, S. Omestuffwemadeup
Don never met Saddam, we swear
SBMU is reimbursed through Medicaid
money. By Alex Walsh come, Mr. President, to face the hard
___________ bruising truth: Donald Rumsfeld must
go.” Attacks on the Defense Secretary
The DOH announced that On November 8, the day after the were common among candidates of
they had found 36 violations midterm elections in which Democrats both parties during the election cam-
took control of the House and Senate, paigns. Republican Senate candidate
in the Medical Center, and one
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Mike McGavick of Washington said
place where they found them announced that he would be resigning “If I had my way, he wouldn't be sec-
was the HIV/AIDS Center from his position. This development retary of defense now,” while
was greeted with joy and regret by the Representative Rahm Emanuel (D-IL)
S e c r e t a r y ’s opponents and increasing- promised voters “We are going to go
All Designated AIDS Centers are
ly rare supporters. Even some after Rumsfeld.”
monitored by the AIDS Intervention
Republicans in Congress, such as The removal of Rumsfeld, who was
Management System (AIMS), which is a
Connecticut Representative one of the key planners of the war and
division of the DOH. It was created in
Christopher Shays had called for his came to be seen as a symbol for the
1985 in order to observe the care of HIV
resignation. President Bush said current strategy, is seen by many as an
patients, and it has the right to deny
R u m s f e l d ’s resignation had been indication of the President’s willing-
Medicaid reimbursements to any AIDS
decided on for months, although just ness for change. This is a marked
Centers because of insufficient findings.
days before the election he told change from the previous policy of
Last year, AIMS officials conducted
reporters that he intended to keep the “stay the course.” Rumsfeld has been
45,270 reviews at patient care facilities
Defense Secretary in his administra- blamed for many of the failures of the
around the state. They denied over two
tion until the end in 2008. T h e war such as the low number of troops
million dollars in Medicaid reimburse-
President delayed the move to prevent deployed initially, poor equipment
ment.
it from impacting the results of the supplied to soldiers, lack of planning
According to the DOH website, one of
election. for the post-Saddam period, and cor-
the purposes of AIMS is to make sure
Criticism of Secretary Rumsfeld has ruption among civilian contractors as
that “each Designated AIDS Center is
been rising steadily, with an important well as human rights issues with
required to have an active quality pro-
blow recently coming from a joint edi- detainees. Still, he enjoyed the
gram including a broadly inclusive qual-
torial published in the Army Ti m e s , staunch support of the President and
ity improvement committee to imple-
Navy Times, Air Force Times, and allegations never seemed to stick to
ment targeted strategies to improve
Marine Corps Times. The piece called him. Even after the resignation,
patient care.” It is unclear whether or not
for his resignation bluntly: “Rumsfeld President Bush continues to praise the
AIMS is aware of any of the problems at
has lost credibility with the uniformed “fantastic job” Rumsfeld did in his six
SBMC.
leadership, with the troops, with years with the administration.
Stony Brook Medical Center has been
Congress and with the public at larg e . Despite Bush’s support, most of the
reluctant to talk to reporters about the
His strategy has failed, and his ability reactions to Rumsfeld’s resignation
problems at their AIDS Center. However,
to lead is compromised. And although have been positive. New York City
a recently-released statement addressed
the blame for our failures in Iraq rests Mayor Bloomberg, for instance,
the problems, stating, “We have been
with the secretary, it will be the troops praised the decision. “I agree with the
working, and continue to work, in full
who bear its brunt. This is not about president. It's time to have somebody
cooperation with the Department of
the midterm elections. Regardless of n e w,” he said. The decision was espe-
Health to address its concerns.”
which party wins Nov. 7, the time has Continued on page 5
Animal Terrorism Bill Socialist Ortega Wins
Passes, RIP Free Speech Nicaraguan Election
By Steve McLinden
___________
Remember Osama bin Laden? He
was, like, that terrorist guy? That guy
that America was going to capture over
five years ago? Forget him, because with
the quiet passage of the new Animal
Enterprise Terrorism Act, the new Public
Enemy Number One became animal
rights advocates. The poorly-worded
and overaggressive bill, which passed on
November 13th with only six
Congresspersons in attendance, is a bla-
tant slap in the face to American’s civil
liberties from the corporate hand in
Washington’s pockets.
The A E TA was written by Republican
representative Thomas Petri of the Dairy
State, Wisconsin, and the law will make
any “damage” a terrorist offense, includ-
ing economic damage (read: loss of prof-
its for corporations). The term eco-ter-
rorism has been a favorite of corporate
lobbyists since the W TO riots in Seattle,
Hussein Found Guilty, Sentenced to Hang
D. Rumsfeld
Hanging is still an option?
By Scott E. Silsbe
___________
“Long live Iraq! Long live the Iraqi peo-
ple! Down with the traitors!” This was his
reaction when, on November 5th, former
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was sen-
tenced to death by hanging. Convicted of
crimes against humanity, he was found
guilty specifically of ordering the killing of
148 men, some of whom where actually
and even more so since 9/11, because it’s
quite easy to throw around the T-word to
invoke fear and anger in American pub-
lic opinion. As this Congress’ term
enters the lame-duck period, the AETA
was quietly passed by a means reserved
for non-controversial bills and had
already passed the Senate by unanimous
consent. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio),
who was a Democratic Presidential
hopeful in 2004, cast the lone vote
against the bill.
In 1992, Congress passed the Animal
Enterprise Protection Act (the AEPA)
with the intent to make stricter penalties
against underground animal rights
groups like the Animal Liberation Front.
The AETA takes a huge step too far in
criminalizing actions like peaceful
protests or boycotts against large corpo-
rations. Burning down laboratories has
always been illegal; we didn’t need the
AETA for that. So now, quietly picket-
Continued on next page
youths, in response to an assassination
attempt back in 1982.
A few of Hussein’s minions were con-
victed and sentenced as well. Barzan al-
Tikriti, Saddam’s half-brother, and Awad
Hamed al-Bandar, a former Iraqi judge of
some prominence, were also sentenced to
hang. Other regime officials were sentenced
to prison terms ranging from fifteen years to
life; the latter was the sentence for Iraq’s
former vice president, Taha Yassin
Ramadan. One defendant, Mohammed
Azawi Ali, a Baath party official, was
acquitted due to a lack of evidence. Under
current Iraqi law, there will be a mandatory
appeal process; though some have speculat-
ed that this could postpone the execution for
many months (the failure of the appeals
being a forgone conclusion), the judge has
stated that these must be concluded within
30 days.
President George Bush issued a state-
ment on the 5th, saying, “Saddam Hussein's
trial is a milestone in the Iraqi people's
efforts to replace the rule of a tyrant with the
rule of law.” Some, however, question the
validity of the verdict, citing problems with
the trial and with the Iraqi justice system.
Amnesty International in particular has
www.thestonybrookpress.com
By Steve McLinden
___________
Daniel Ortega, the former President
of Nicaragua, got his old job back in
elections this November. Ortega, a
leader of the Sandinista National
Liberation Front(FSLN), was President
from 1985 to 1990 during the
American-supported Contra insurg e n c y
in that country. Political observers are
uncertain of wether, Ortega will coop-
erate with the U.S., but it appears that
the Bush administration has another
adversary on its hands in Latin
America.
With a plurality of 38% of the
November 5th vote, Ortega and the
FSLN took power in elections that were
judged to be free and fair by the Carter
C e n t e r. Hugo Chavez, the leftist
President of Venezuela, and Cuban
Communist President Fidel Castro con-
gratulated Ortega on his victory. Both
leaders are well-known for their anti-
questioned the fairness of the trial, which
some have characterized as a “Kangaroo
Court.” The history of the trail itself is a sor-
did one, marred by the deaths of judges and
prosecutors by pro-Saddam forces still
operating in Iraq; also, nary a week has
gone by without someone, usually Saddam,
or one of his co-defendants (and on at least
one occasion, former U.S. Attorney General
and current Saddam defense attorney
Ramsey Clarke) being escorted out of the
courtroom due to outbursts or other unac-
ceptable behavior.
Others have questions regarding the tim-
ing of the verdict, which came down just
two days before midterm elections in the
United States. However, if this were a
machination of the White House intended to
affect the elections, it would appear to have
failed.
Some European Union member states in
particular have asked that the sentence be
commuted to life imprisonment due to their
opposition to capital punishment. The most
virulent and radical criticism has come from
groups who note the destruction of Iraqi life
by American forces as compared to the erst-
while Baathist regime. CNN has quoted
Hafiz Hussain Ahmed, a representative of
Rhubarb Stevens
Nothing rhymes with Nicaragua
American policies, with Chavez refer-
ring to Bush as “the devil” at the U.N.
General Assembly in September. W h i l e
Ortega seems to be shifting away from
his ‘80s Marxist approach to a relative-
ly more centrist policy that has quelled
some apprehension of Nicaraguan busi-
ness interests. Ortega has shown inter-
Continued on next page
Pakistani opposition’s religious coalition as
asking, "Who will punish the Americans
and their lackeys who have killed many
more people than Saddam Hussein?"
Nonetheless, many both inside and out-
side of the Muslim world are celebrating the
impending doom of the former dictator.
There have been reasonably widespread
reports of jubilant Iraqis, particularly those
of Shias firing weapons into the air (an
apparently longstanding Arab custom) and
dancing in the streets in general approval of
the verdict. However, in other areas, partic-
ularly Saddam’s hometown of Tikrit, vio-
lent protests and clashes with Coalition
forces have erupted.
It is not often that dictators are brought to
justice and punished for crimes against their
subjects. Despite apparent problems with
the machinery of the Iraqi court system,
there can be little doubt that Saddam
Hussein is guilty of crimes against humani-
ty. Though such figures can only ever be
rough estimations, many believe that during
his 24-year tenure as President of Iraq, up to
600,000 Iraq civilians were executed. This
figure does not include another half-million
Iraqis who died in the bloody and prolonged
Iran-Iraq War.
3
Animal Terrorism Bill (continued)
Continued from previous page
ing outside of KFC could get you arrest-
ed, too. Corporate scare-mongering
could backfire and create even more dan-
ger than it supposedly would prevent, in
that it groups the peaceful with the vio-
lent and calls them all terrorists, possibly
pushing the more moderate activists to
become extremist.
While smooth-talking politicians who
d o n ’t even read the bills call themselves
“tough on crime” and make claims that
the AETA is combating violent extrem-
ists, it’s anything but the truth. “Non-
violent physical obstruction,” or, as
Gandhi called it, “civil disobedience,”
could get a citizen sentenced to eighteen
months in prison for actions that “do not
instill reasonable fear” and cause no
physical or economic damage. T h e
AETA’s provision also means that more
funds will be available to phone-tap and
investigate animal rights groups. Yes,
your tax dollars will be at work to make
sure that Pamela Anderson doesn’t tell
anyone that fur is dead because, God for-
bid, it cuts into corporate profits.
Petri called current federal law “inad-
equate” because his problem is not with
radical acts of destruction but with any
movement for animal rights. As healthy
diet becomes an increasing concern in
our society, eating fewer animal products
becomes more appealing to more and
more people. With global warming and
other environmental problems being
viewed as a serious mainstream concern,
the ecological impact of animal enter-
prises will likely be a consideration of
Americans. And that’s not good for busi-
ness — at least, not for Washington’s
4 www.thestonybrookpress.com
Michael Stevens
We cropped out the dead endangered animals
corporate cronies, like the pharmaceuti-
cal giants that test on animals, or the
National Restaurant Association, which
spends tens of millions of dollars on lob-
bying every year.
So maybe you’re thinking, “But I like
bacon cheeseburgers, so who cares?”
The implications of the AETA are much
greater than you might think. Animal
enterprise is not just about producing
beef; it can be interpreted to include any
institution, from hospitals to hotels, from
food service to medical research. Should
employees at any of these fight for bene-
fits or go on strike, they could be charg e d
with terrorism. Should whistleblowers
or private investigators attempt to uncov-
er wrongdoing in a company, the AETA
could get them charged as terrorists.
This also sets a bold-faced precedent that
Congress is willing to call free speech
terrorism if it will benefit corporate
interests or eliminate undesirables.
Digital rights advocates, anti-abortion or
pro-choice activists (depending on the
future of the courts), or gun rights advo-
cates could be the next in line to be
gagged under the guise of terrorism.
The next movement to be targeted in a
squelching of free speech will likely be
those who support consumer rights.
Groups like the Electronic Freedom
Frontier campaign to keep fair use in digi-
tal devices, like your right to copy your
own songs off of your iPod to your own
computer. Laws like the Digital
Millennium Copyright Act already show
that Congress doesn’t care about con-
sumers’ rights. It’s also apparent that the
old farts like Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK)
simply don’t understand technology; he
claimed that “an Internet was sent” to him
by his staffers on Friday, and he didn’t get
it until Monday because people download-
ing movies were “clogging the tubes” and
his message was getting lost in line behind
them, as the “Internet is not something you
dump on… it’s not a big truck, it’s a series
of tubes.” So when so-called “terrorists”
start getting locked away for blogging
about how to rip a DVD, consider that it
all started with the AETA.
Republicans are stifling free speech
and making it a crime to vote with your
wallet. I don’t think that “granola-
munching hippies” like myself are un-
American, but the Republican Party and
the corporate agenda do. The AETA also
continues the worrying trend of the fed-
eral government calling anything terror-
ism and then taking away civil rights
because of it. There’s a reason that the
First Amendment is first: it’s important.
Who cares about Al-Qaeda when you
can arrest PETA?
Ortega
(continued)
Continued from previous page
est in aligning with Chavez and Castro
as he emphasized maintaining
Nicaraguan sovereignty as a main
cause.
Chavez supported Ortega and sug-
gested that subsidized oil and other
rewards might come if his fellow
socialist won. Meanwhile in
Washington, the White House warned
that financial aid to Nicaragua may be
cut, trade sanctions may be brought,
and the trafficking of money from
Nicaraguan-Americans to relatives in
the second-poorest nation in the
Americas may be prohibited. So far, it
seems like the Bush A d m i n i s t r a t i o n
plans to idle cautiously before inciting
any more animosity in South A m e ri c a .
The White House had expressed sup-
port for conservative banker Eduardo
Motealegre, who conceded the race a
few days after the votes had been tal-
lied.
The Sandistas are the most popular
party in Nicaragua, and Ortega is
among the most recognizable figures in
their politics. Some analysts believe
that Bush is only fueling the flames of
many Latin A m e ri c a n s ’ belief that the
U.S. is an overbearing bully, and it par-
ticularly does not reflect positively on
the U.S. when free elections in Latin
America elect candidates towards
whom we have displayed antagonism.
O rt e g a ’s relationship with the U.S.
has been conflicted, at best, in the past.
The Reagan administration had con-
demned the FSLN for supporting
Marxist revolutions throughout Latin
America. Ortega was elected President
in 1984, and while international
observers called the elections free and
f a i r, the Reagan administration
denounced the results, continuing the
Contra insurgency and further hostility
between the U.S. and Nicaragua.
Ortega lost the second-term election
in 1990 to another member of the FSLN
junta, as well as the two consecutive
1996 and 2001 elections amidst criti-
cism of corruption with respect to
FSLN-seized property from which he
personally gained.
Daniel Ortega is not related to the
w e rewolf from Castlevania. Sourc e :
l a t i n a m e r i c a n s t u d i e s . o rg
 Rummy (continued)
Continued from page 2
cially welcomed overseas, with
French Defense Minister Michele
Alliot-Marie saying Rumsfeld had
“taken the consequences” for his com-
mitment to the Iraq war, while Belgian
Defence Minister Andre Flahaut
labeled him “a determined person, to
the point of being obstinate, who
never took the trouble to take the
opinions of other defence ministers
into account.” Russia and Israel, on
the other hand, expressed disappoint-
ment at his withdrawal. “I have the
highest admiration for him as a man,
as a person, whether you agree with
his view or don't agree,” Israeli Vi c e -
Premier Shimon Peres said. As usual,
Ve n e z u e l a ’s President Hugo Chavez
o ffered an extreme view: “I think
Bush has fallen... the collapse is start-
ing, heads are starting to roll, fortu-
nately peacefully. Now is the time to
step down.”
Upon Rumsfeld’s resignation,
President Bush announced Robert
Gates as his nominee to take over the
Defense Department. Gates was the
director of the CIA from 1991 to 1993,
during the administration of the elder
Bush. Gates is expected to win a swift
confirmation from the Senate,
although there is some concern over
Evangelical Leader Resigns in Scandal
Laz Ypeople
Is today stock portrait day? I think so.
By Steve McLinden
___________
Prominent evangelical preacher Ted
Haggard has stepped down from his Colorado
Church amidst the revelation that he was hav-
ing sex with a gay prostitute and using
methamphetamines. After hearing Haggard
supporting Colorado’s ban on gay marriage,
his previous foreign policy experi-
ence. He has been accused of present-
ing slanted facts on foreign situations
during the Reagan administration,
exaggerating the Soviet threat. He was
the subject of an investigation in 1991
concerning his involvement with the
Iran-Contra aff a i r, although it was
decided that the evidence gathered did
not warrant conviction.
Meanwhile, Rumsfeld himself is the
t a rget of new charges. Twelve former
detainees have raised allegations of
abuses in Guantanamo Bay and Iraq in
G e r m a n y. German courts follow the
doctrine of unlimited jurisdiction,
whereby charges of war crimes can be
brought against citizens of any coun-
t r y, regardless of where the crimes
occurred. The detainees charge that
Rumsfeld is responsible for their sub-
jection to beatings, sleep deprivation,
and sexual humiliation. Although the
p l a i n t i ff s ’ lawyers admit there is little
chance of Rumsfeld actually appear-
ing before a German court, their goal,
they say, is to have him “harassed and
publicly stamped as a torturer. ”
In his farewell, Rumsfeld quoted
Winston Churchill: “I have benefited
greatly from criticism and at no time
have I suffered from a lack thereof,”
he said.
former prostitute Mike Jones (no relation to the
rapper) recognized his client and felt he had to
“expose the hypocrisy,” as he said.
On November 1st, Jones spoke on Denver’s
KHOW talk radio, stating that he recognized
Jones when seeing him in an ad supporting
bans on gay marriage. (Colorado’s
Amendment 43 was on the ballot on
November 7th and subsequently passed, but it
leaves the possibility for civil unions in the
state.) According to Jones, Haggard paid him
“a couple of hundred dollars” per session, and
Haggard had been calling himself Art; his mid-
dle name is Arthur. Jones also stated that he got
a connection to a meth dealer friend for Art,
who showed interest in trying the drug. At
some point later in the relationship, said Jones,
Art confessed that he rather enjoyed snorting
crystal meth before engaging in sex with his
wife, and that he had fantasies of an orgy with
several college-age males.
Haggard initially denied knowing who
Mike Jones was, but the pastor immediately
www.thestonybrookpress.com
Mets: We Built this Citi
on Corporate Funds
By Steve McLinden
___________
Shea it ain’t so. After more than forty
years at Shea Stadium, The New York
Metropolitans Baseball Club will make
the move to a commercially-sponsored
venue. On November 13th, as ground-
breaking ceremonies for the stadium com-
menced, the team and financial giant
Citigroup announced a $200 million, 20-
year deal to name the team’s new stadium
Citi Field.
The new stadium is currently being
built in the parking lot of the familiar ball-
park on Roosevelt Avenue in Flushing
Meadows, Queens, and it is scheduled to
open for the 2009 season. The $610 mil-
lion project was drawn up with a throw-
back feel of the borough’s old Ebbets Field
in mind, where the now-San Francisco-
based Giants played before leaving and
where the Mets spent their inaugural 1962
and 1963 seasons.
As the team’s owner, Fred Wilpon, is
picking up $420 million of the cost (city
and state taxpayers will be subsidizing the
remainder), it had been long speculated
that a corporate sponsor would help out
with the expenses. The trend of corporate
stepped down from his position in the New
Life Church in Colorado Springs and from the
presidency of the National Association of
Evangelicals. James Dobson, founder of the
right-wing group Focus on the Family, quickly
lambasted Jones for defaming Haggard and
suggesting that it had something to do with the
vote on the gay marriage ban. Word soon
leaked that some of the allegations are true in
an e-mail that Pastor Ross Parsley sent to
church members. On November 3rd, Haggard
confessed that he had paid the prostitute for
massages only, and that he did purchase crystal
meth once, but decided to throw it away. “I
called him to buy some meth, but I threw it
away. I bought it for myself but never used it,”
he claimed in a radio interview.
The New Life Church issued a statement on
November 4th that, "…[their] investigation and
Pastor Haggard's public statements have
proven without a doubt that he has committed
sexually immoral conduct." The disgraced
Pastor prepared a letter to be read before the
sponsorship has been increasing in recent
years; more than half of all Major League
Baseball stadiums now have sponsorship,
but at $20 million per year, Citigroup has
the most expensive deal in American
sports. Among Mets fans, a name honor-
ing baseball’s first African American,
Jackie Robinson, would have been pre-
ferred. National League fans in New York
felt a sentimental attachment to the
groundbreaking Dodgers player as the
Mets inherited New York National League
baseball culture. Citi Field’s main
entrance will be dubbed Jackie Robinson
Rotunda, and his widow, Rachel, gave her
blessing while taking part in the ground-
breaking ceremony. Robinson’s most
famous quote, “A life is not important
except in the impact it has on other lives,”
will be featured prominently on the wall.
Shea Stadium, named for attorney
William A. Shea, a lawyer who fought to
bring a National League Baseball team
back to New York, first opened on April
17, 1964 to coincide with the World’s Fair,
which was hosted in the city that year. The
stadium was designed to be shared with
the New York Jets, who played there
Continued on page 8
Church on Sunday’s services, taking responsi-
bility, apologizing for the embarrassment he
brought upon the community, and admitting to
sexual immorality. “I am a deceiver and a liar.
There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and
dark that I've been warring against it all of my
adult life,” another pastor read from Haggard’s
letter on his behalf.
With Haggard’s guilt was mounting, evan-
gelical leaders scrambled to downplay the
scandal. Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell of
The 700 Club adamantly claimed that the NAE
had very little influence and that Haggard was
not closely connected to other evangelical lead-
ers. The Bush administration also sought to
diminish any connection to the scandal, sug-
gesting that Haggard had only visited the White
House “a couple of times” and that he had only
“occasionally” participated in phone confer-
ences that the White House and evangelical
leaders had held.
What Would Jesus Do? Probably not
meth.
5
 Editorials
Editorial Board

E xe c u t ive Editor
Jowy Ro m a n o
Does USG Really Want
M a n aging Editor
A n d rew Pe rn i ck
A s s o c i ate Editor
Students Involved?
A l ex Wa l s h
By the time you read this newspaper, the USG amend- d o e s n ’t mean that they should not be informed through
Business Manage r
Adina Silve r bu s h ment elections will be over. This probably doesn’t bother other means about elections.
P roduction Manage r you much, but maybe it should. The actual amendments The USG really needs to step up and reach out to students
C a roline D’Agat i that were put on the ballot through the efforts of Robert if it wants us to care. If only a handful of students vote
N ews Editors Romano and Nathan Shapiro aren’t exactly what concern (probably just the members of USG), how will this be rep-
Rebecca Kleinhaut
Madeline Sch e ck t e r me; what does concern me is the fact that we estimate that resentative of our student body? The answer is, it won’t !
Fe at u res Editor less than 50 students voted in this election. USG made no Students, I urge you to demand more of your “elected” off i-
S t ephanie Haye s
e ffort to inform students that they were able to vote this past cials. Senate meetings are Tuesday night at 7 PM in SAC
Photo Editors
Jo ey Safdia week on SOLAR for these proposed amendments other than Ballroom B.
Vincent Michael Fe s t a
one allegedly-seen poster outside of the USG suite; yet, We’re all going to college, meaning we all, I assume,
C o py Editors
James Messina when we sent a photographer to take a picture of it on value being educated. USG should take this into considera-
Rose Slupski Wednesday (the elections ended Friday), it had already been tion and work harder to inform us of what’s going on with
Lukasz Chelminski
taken down. our student government. Maybe, for starters, they could
Web m a s t e r
Chris Wi l l i a m s Students who regularly go on SOLAR may have noticed finally update their website, so that summaries of weekly
Au d i o m a s t e r the little message on the main page about underg r a d u a t e meetings and possible amendment changes can be read.
Kristine Re n i ge n
elections, but many students may have felt lost while trying Students should also be able to use the site to get contact
O m bu d s m a n
Rob Pe a rs a l l to interpret what exactly these amendments were. Just information for all USG officials so that they have someone
because students don’t have time to go to Senate meetings to whom they may voice their concerns.

Minister of A rch ive s

Joe Rios
IT Manage r
Joe Rios
Fuck Police Brutality
D i s t r i bution Manage r
Joe Filippazzo UCLA student Mostafa Tabatabainejad was ruthlessly and ety. Stony Brook experiences its fair share of crime – recall the
mercilessly assaulted by a swarm of campus police armed with armed robberies in Kelly last year – as does UCLA, and we
Staff Tasers for no crime greater than not presenting ID at a comput- need these men and women on the job. But this does not give
Esam Al-Shareffi Leeza Menon er lab on Tu e s d a y, November 14th. He was electrocuted time them free rein to do as they please. While the vast majority of
Kotei Aoki Thomas Mets
Travis Aria Jamie Mignone and again by the police, even as he lay prone and helpless on police are good, hard working people, the possibility always
Nicole L. Barry Claire Mize
Melissa Bernardez Dana Murray his back, screaming in agony. For further details, read our cov- remains for incidents such as last week’s assault to occur. All it
James Blonde Irv Novoa
Jimmy Del Kerr Frank Nobiletti erage of the incident in this issue. It goes without saying that takes is a bad day, a stressful situation, and a bad decision.
Joe Donato John O’Dell
Melanie Donovan Karina Offurum The Stony Brook Press, having seen footage of the event itself Citizens should make sure that their local police have programs
Michael Felder Laura Positano
Amelia Fischer Michael Prazak taped via cell phone, deplores and condemns the actions of the in place to prevent police brutality.
Rob Gilheany Nirmala Ramsaran
David K. Ginn Berta Rezik UCLA campus police, actions so brutal, so senseless, so Whether such programs could have prevented the terrible
Sam Goldman Miguel Sanchez
Joanna Goodman Natalie Schultz beyond cavil, that they defy description. We feel compelled to assault at UCLA is not certain, but they definitely couldn’t
Paula Guy Alison Schwartz
Trevor Hirst Karen Shidlo point out that this is just one instance of a much larger problem. hurt. The Press supports our campus police and police in gen-
Mo Ibrahim Jesse Schoepfer
Alexander Kahn Christine Tanaka Police brutality is never acceptable. Violence against those eral, but condemns those individuals who abuse the position of
Elizabeth Kaplan Amberly Timperio
Olga Kaplun Claudia Toloza who have done nothing to deserve it or completely out of pro- trust and authority they are given. The attack on Mr.
Michael Kelly Lena Tumasyan
Yve Koon Marcel Votlucka portion to the crime committed does not aid in law enforce- Tabatabainejad and those who should be denounced by any
Larry Lamb Jake Wallace
Joan Leong Brian Wasser ment. It merely breeds resentment and anger toward the off i- thinking person, and action must be taken to prevent it from
Antony Lin Ricky Whitcomb
Melissa Lobel Matt Willemain cers who should be able to work with the trust and confidence being repeated anywhere. After all, the next time could be
Mariana Martins Brian Wong
Steve McLinden Ed Zadorozny of those they protect. Police are an important part of our soci- lethal.
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6 www.thestonybrookpress.com
 Yay! Nazis!
It’s obvious that one of the most endur-
ing fashions of the past few years has cen-
tered on skulls. Pirate skulls, cute skulls,
skull earrings made out of diamonds and
crap (wtf?): pretty much every major mar-
keter of apparel has gotten in on this trend.
Wal-Mart, the superstore that is usually in
the news for violating human rights and
trying to build stores on Native American
burial grounds (yeah, that’s true, look it
up), is in the news once again, this time for
a serious fashion faux pas.
Wal-Mart is recalling from their stores a
skull-and-crossbones t-shirt that pictures a
skull in three-quarter profile and reads,
“Since 1978.” Wal-Mart had the year
wrong; what they meant was, “Since
1925.” The skull pictured on the t-shirt is
the exact same skull used by the Waffen
SS, the fighting division of the
Schutzstaffel, many members of which
were stationed in concentration camps.
Wal-Mart’s public relations spokesman,
Marshall Manson of the Edelman firm
(whose name doesn’t sound evil at all) said
that the company is reviewing its product
suppliers and checkers to make sure that
this never happens again. Their
spokesman David Tovar claims the compa-
ny had no idea where the skull came from
until they saw Rick Rottman’s blog, “Bent
Corner.” This is rather hard to believe
because everyone knows that Captain
America’s arch nemesis Red Skull wears
the symbol and is a Nazi.
Yay! Fake Boobies!
The FDA has approved silicone breast
implants, ending the fourteen-year ban.
The implants are approved for women
ages 22 and older. The decision has been
called “historic” by one company (Mentor)
whose implants have been approved, and
another company, Allergan, has claimed
that the approval will create new opportu-
nities for women.
The approval does not come without
controversy, and one detractor, Dr. Sidney
Wolfe, called them “the most defective
medical device the FDA has ever
approved.” The companies must have ten-
year studies in 40,000 women who receive
implants in order to judge their safety.
These women will need to undergo expen-
sive MRIs, which are often not covered by
insurance, to make sure that the implants
are not leaking.
Yay! Panama!
On Tuesday, November 7th, Panama
won a seat on the UN Security Council
after Guatemala and Venezuela dropped
out of the race. This vote means that all
five members of the Council have been
chosen. Italy, Belgium, Indonesia, and
South Africa are the other nations in the
Council, which will begin its two-year
term in January. These nations are in addi-
tion to the five permanent nations: the
United States, Russia, China, France, and
the United Kingdom. The decision came
after weeks of a stalemate, during which it
became clear that neither Guatemala nor
Venezuela could achieve the 120 votes
necessary to sit on the Council.
Climate Change Conference in Nairobi
At the climate change conference in
Nairobi on November 6th, Kenyan
Environmental Minister Kivutha Kibwana
asked 189 nations to do more to combat
global warning, as it “threatens develop-
ment goals for billions of the world’s poor-
est people.” He said that improved irriga-
tion and drought-resistant crops could
help, but they do nothing to combat cli-
mate change, which, among other things,
causes rising sea levels. Rising sea levels
are a serious issue, particularly for Africa,
as 70 million people could be affected by
flooding by 2080, and over 25% of African
wildlife habitats risk destruction.
President Bush pulled out of the Kyoto
Protocol, in which 35 nations would cut
emissions to 5% below what the were in
1990 between 2008 and 2012. Bush
claimed the plan would result in unem-
ployment and did not address the emis-
sions from developing nations. The “cli-
mate negotiator” for the U.S., Harlan
Watson, said that a change in this position
was unlikely to occur during this presiden-
cy. All major industrial nations, excepting
the U.S. and Australia, are bound by the
Protocol.
The talks lasted two weeks, until
November 17th, yet no timetable for
reducing heat-trapping gases was estab-
lished. Many are becoming frustrated by
American opposition, saying that it is an
impediment to reducing “greenhouse”
gases; they are also critical because the
U.S. is the world’s largest polluter, and the
Administration’s refusal to cooperate
makes it more difficult for other nations to
make positive gains. Fortunately for advo-
cates of the Kyoto Protocol, three
Senators-elect (Barbara Boxer, CA; Jeff
Bingaman, NM; Joe Lieberman, CT) are
aiming to pass a bill in January that would
place restrictions on heat-trapping gases.
News of a letter they sent to President
Bush about the issue was quite welcome at
the conference and is indicative of the cur-
rent change in U.S. governmental policy.
What the Fuck … South Africa?
South Africa, a country that underwent
decades of apartheid and jailed Nelson
Mandela for thirty years, that denied
blacks the right to vote until 1994, has had
its Constitutional Court declare same-sex
marriage permissible under the
Constitution of South Africa.
In his declaration from the court, Justice
Albie Sachs declared, "The common law
definition of marriage is declared to be
inconsistent with the Constitution and
invalid to the extent that it does not permit
same-sex couples to enjoy the status and
the benefits coupled with responsibilities it
accords to heterosexual couples." As
denoted in the brief, the South African
Constitution is one of the few in the world
(and was the first) to outlaw discrimination
based on sexual preference. This ruling
will make the definition of marriage in
South Africa read, “a union between two
persons.”
However, much like the recent develop-
ments in New Jersey, the court has left it to
the legislature to amend the laws within
the year. There is some fear among gay
rights activists in the country that the
measure will be put on a referendum and
be defeated, as the majority of South
Africans oppose gay marriage.
Unfortunately, there is a negative image of
homosexuality in Africa as a whole, as the
spread of AIDS is seen as being the fault of
the gay community.
All in all, it is depressing that a country
such as South Africa can make a democrat-
ic turnaround in a period slightly over a
decade, while it has been decades since the
launch of the gay rights movement in
America, with marriage for all still only a
speck on the horizon.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 7
 Mets (continued)
Continued from page 5
through 1983, when they moved across the
river to Giants Stadium in East Rutherford,
New Jersey. Aside from sporting events,
Shea is probably best known for hosting
The Beatles in their first American concert
in August of 1965. No announcements
have been made yet, but it is likely that
Shea will be imploded after Citi Field
opens.
Mets fans have been mixed about the
move to a new home; for many, Shea is
the baseball haven they called home for
all of their lives. “Yeah, Shea is a dump,
but it’s our dump!” has been echoed by
fans at the stadium and on sports radio
call-in shows. Because it was designed as
a multipurpose venue, the 55,601 seats are
each facing straight ahead and not
towards home plate, leaving some fans
with a pain in the neck after nine innings,
and distant upper-deck seats can make
attendees feel like they’re in another zip
code. If it’s any consolation, fans won’t
have to worry about losing the title of
noisiest stadium in sports, as the
unchanged location means that planes
from LaGuardia Airport will continue to
UN Takes Steps to End
the Genocide in Darfur
By Michael Kelly
___________
This past Thursday (November
17th), African, Arab, European and UN
leaders agreed to deploy a joint UN-AU
(African Union) peacekeeping force to
the Darfur region of Sudan. The force
could be as large as 27,000 peacekeep-
ers, made up of roughly 17,000 soldiers
and 3,000 policemen, as well as the
7,000 AU peacekeeping forces already
in place in the area. This agreement
could potentially be a stepping-stone
towards a more peaceful Darfur region.
H o w e v e r, the agreement was not
received well by all. Some Sudanese
o fficials have voiced displeasure over
the agreement, arguing about the size of
the peacekeeping force and who will be
in charge of the operation. The agree-
ment was negotiated by outgoing UN
Secretary General Kofi Annan, who has
made the transfer of the peacekeeping
force to a UN-led one in the Darfur
8 www.thestonybrookpress.com
fly overhead. Fair territory’s dimensions
will be roughly the same as it is at Shea.
Complaints about Citi Field include a net
loss of 10,000 seats in capacity and an
increase in the number of luxury boxes.
Even so, most fans would agree that
upgrade has been long overdue; Shea
Stadium is one of the oldest in baseball to
have not undergone major renovations.
The only older stadium in the NL is, inter-
estingly enough, Dodgers Stadium, whose
owner, Walter O’Malley, transplanted that
team to Los Angeles from Brooklyn in
1958 after his hopes for a new closed sta-
dium in his home borough fell through.
New York’s… other team, the Yankees,
is also building a new stadium for the
2009 season, across the street from their
current confines in the Bronx. “New
Yankee Stadium”, as it has been tentative-
ly dubbed, will replace The House That
Ruth Built in eccentric owner George
Steinbrenner’s vision that will cost more
than a billion dollars upon completion.
Rachel Robinson, Mayor Bloomberg,
and Jose Reyes are among those who par-
ticipated in the groundbreaking. From the
Daily News.
region one of his final projects, though
he was criticized in the past for his
inaction during the Rwandan Genocide.
Sudanese Foreign Minister Lam A k o l
has spoken out against the UN-AU
agreement, saying, “We have not
agreed to this. We agreed to accept the
UN support to the African Union
troops."
A previous peace agreement was bro-
kered in May but has largely been
ignored as fighting has escalated. It is
believed that well over 400,000 have
died in the conflict, with millions more
having to flee their homes. With the
high death toll mounting, and the previ-
ous peace agreement having been larg e-
ly ignored, many have come to the con-
clusion that only a UN-led force could
possibly put an end to the violent
behavior of the militia group Janjaweed
in the Darfur region.
To learn more about the Darfur con-
flict or to find ways to help, visit
www.sav e d a r f u r. o rg .
Long Live the Hubble!
They watch you when you urinate
By Michael Felder
___________
The Hubble Space Telescope, after its
many years of service, appears to be set
for at least a few more. Recently, the
NASA Agency approved a shuttle mis-
sion solely devoted to servicing the
orbiting telescope, ending a contentious
debate about whether it was worth the
risk and resources to maintain the six-
t e e n - y e a r-o ld device. The Hubble has
provided hundreds of researchers around
the globe with the opportunity to peer
farther into the universe than has ever
been possible, and it has aided in some
very important discoveries in cosmology.
The decision appears to be a victory for
its advocates and to the hundreds more
who will utilize this unprecedented
instrument in their research.
Ever since its launch in 1990, the tele-
scope has been notoriously needy.
Almost immediately after it began oper-
ating, it became clear that one of the
main mirrors was very slightly
deformed, causing images to be terribly
blurry. A servicing mission was required
to fix a brand new telescope! Obviously,
enthusiasm was running thin on the cost-
ly and troublesome project. Yet, after it
began returning spectacular images of
the deep reaches of our universe, many
scientists lost any misgivings and
embraced the capability for research that
the telescope provided us. It has provid-
ed evidence for the existence of black
holes, helped unravel the mysteries of
solar system formation, and led to the
conclusion that the expansion of the uni-
verse is accelerating, a possibility not
P. Tom
even really considered by mainstream
science until the Hubble data provided
undeniable proof.
After the Columbia disaster in early
2003, the future of the Hubble seemed
uncertain. The telescope had seen main-
tenance missions four times in its career,
yet plans for a fifth were suddenly cut
from the budget after NASA’s massive
r e o rganization under Bush’s Vision for
Space Exploration, which was
announced shortly after the Columbia
accident. The agency was to direct its
e fforts and resources to returning
humans to the moon and eventually to
Mars, so a lot of projects not directly
associated with these goals were given
the budget axe. It seemed like the end of
the line for the famous telescope, and it
appeared to be doomed to slowly deteri-
orate until it was entirely unusable. Yet,
an organization of scientists and space
enthusiasts rose up to cry out against this
injustice. Public pressure on the agency
and internal debate made the administra-
tors take a second look at some of their
decisions, and finally the decision to pro-
long the telescope’s life was announced.
Therefore, we can look forward to at
least another few years of stunning pic-
tures and groundbreaking discoveries,
although it seems as if this definitely is
the last mission to extend its life. The
telescope will be in good working order
until about 2013. By that time, however,
the shuttle program will be retired, and
plans to develop even grander space tel-
escopes with capabilities far beyond the
Hubble will overshadow the older ver-
sion. Until that time, however, Hubble
lives!
UCLA Student Tasered by Police, Sparks Protests
By Irv Novoa and Juan Pinales
___________
Mostafa Tabatabainejad, 23, a senior
of Iranian descent majoring in North
African Studies at the University of
California Los Angeles (UCLA), was
assaulted multiple times with an elec-
trical stun gun at Powell Library on
Tuesday November 14, at approximate-
ly 11:30PM. Due to university policies,
random ID checks are done during late
hours as a security measure. W h e n
Tabatabainejad failed to show his iden-
tification, the events following led to
the assault in question. A student with
a camera phone caught the entire inci-
dent on video. The recording was then
leaked onto free video-hosting web-
sites such as Yo u t u b e . c o m .
According to eyewitness reports,
Ta b a t a b a i n e j a d ’s arm was grabbed by
an officer on his way out and, upon
protesting, was tasered after supposed-
ly being uncooperative with the law
o fficers. Tabatabainejad then
screamed, “Here's your Patriot A c t ,
here's your fucking abuse of power. ”
When the yelling and protests from the
student became persistent, the already-
subdued student was shocked again,
stop the violence, then demanded the
o fficers badge numbers. The responses
from the UCPD were a refusal to give
out the requested information and
threats of Tasing if the other students
intervened.
The university and the police off i-
cers, however, refuted the aforemen-
tioned claims. According to the off i-
cers, Tabatabainejad was not only
slightly uncooperative, but he also
refused to leave, or show any piece of
identification. He was reportedly asked
to leave the premises numerous times
but refused, allegedly forcing the
policemen to used the Taser guns on
the unidentified student. Not only was
the use of weapons justified but it was
also said that the guns were used prop-
erly and in the least harmful way pos-
sible. An unnamed police sergeant who
saw Tabatabainejad after the incident
claimed he had not suffered serious
injury as a result of the tasing, and stat-
ed, "If he was able to walk out of here,
I think he was OK." These conflicting
reports have caused civil rights
activists to request an unbiased inde-
pendent investigation.
In response to the incident, on
Randall Stevens
Friday afternoon more than 400 stu- One of the 400 protestors

even after claiming he had a medical
condition. This forced a reaction from
the adjacent spectators, which is sup-
ported by the video taken on that day.
Many of the dozens of bystanders were
captivated by the events taking place,
but some spoke out. They pleaded to
dents gathered outside the UCPD sta-
tion to protest; their demands included
“student input in the investigation
process and the temporary suspension
of the police officers involved in the
incident,” according to the D a i l y
B ru i n. After the protest, UCPD Police
Chief Karl Ross held a press confer-
ence and stated that an independent
investigation, including eyewitness
accounts, is already underway in addi-
tion to the internal investigation. As of
F r i d a y, the latest updates indicate that
Mostafa Tabatabainejad will file a law-
suit against the UCPD. According to
Stephen Yagman, Ta b a t a b a i n e j a d ’s
a t t o r n e y, lawsuits such as this may take
years, but he expects the ruling to be in
favor of his client.

TOP MUSic PICKS OF THE FORTNIGHT

MARIANA
TOP 10 MOST PLAYED ALBUMS
Cezanne - Breaking Bats for Jesus
Days Old Dream - Between Fair and Foul
1. The Decemberists - Cranewife
Couple - Top of the Pop
2. NRBQ - Ludlow Garage 1970
Soft Complex - Barcelona +
3. Heavens - Patent Pending
Two if by Sea - Safety
4. Beck - The Information
5. Hidden Cameras - AW00
NICK
6. Lou Reed - Coney Island
K-OS - Atlantis
7. Byrds - There is a Season
Nah No Mercy - The Warlord Scrolls
8. Brigade - Brigade
Weather Report - Forecast: Tomorrow
9. Geoffrey Armes - Green Love
Various Artists - Rhythms del Mundo *Cuba*
10. Stuart Markus - View from Side of Road
Depeche Mode - The Best of Volume 1

www.thestonybrookpress.com 9
 Come On Down, One More Time...
The price is wrong bitch!
By Vincent Michael Festa
___________
For 35 years, viewers relied on The Price
Is Right every morning to brighten their day.
Viewers have heard contestants “come on
down” to contestant’s row, bidding one dollar
on that silverware set to play a fun pricing
game such as Plinko, only to come back again
to spin the Big Wheel and take part in the
Showcase Showdown for that new car. For
those same 35 years, viewers have seen Bob
Barker walk through those sliding doors to
take the microphone and kick-off the show in
the best shape he could.
Bob Barker will come on down one very
Channel 20
10
H. Gilmore
last time in the end of the 2006-2007 season
of The Price Is Right, a show he has hosted
since its re-introduction to TV in 1972. He
has decided to finally retire in order to devote
his time to various animal rights causes.The
entire run of The Price Is Right is legendary,
standing the test of time for a good amount of
television history. It swerved around the
game show scandals because it never was a
quiz show, but rather a guessing game of
wholesome, innocent fun that game shows
are still known for. It has been on for decades,
of the caliber of 60 Minutes, Sesame Street,
Saturday Night Live, and Meet The Press.
While most of The Price’s fans assume the
show started with Barker, it really began in
www.thestonybrookpress.com
1956 in the black-and-white television era
and was hosted by Bill Cullen, another leg-
endary figure of television. It was a calmer,
more sedate version of the show that most
people are used to, mostly consisting of con-
testant’s row with cumulative values. It lasted
until 1965.
An informal pilot was used to re-sell the
newer version of the show, and in 1972, The
New Price Is Right was born. Bob Barker
walked through those doors for the first time
to kick off what would be a decades-long
legacy, and a syndicated, nighttime weekly
version also was introduced and hosted by
Dennis James. These new versions sold big-
ger prices, introduced pricing games, had
lovely spokesmodels, and in the end featured
the showcase showdown, where the two bet-
ter contestants bid on the biggest prizes. All of
this made Price what it still is to this day.
Both versions were only a half-an-hour
long until 1975, where not only was the show
expanded to a full hour, but Barker took over
all hosting duties. The Big Wheel was intro-
duced to have winning contestants spin their
way to the showdown. During the 70s, The
Price Is Right had its fair share of classic
moments, such as its contestants fainting, and
Yolanda, whose came on down so hard that
her bosoms fell out of her top in excitement.
During the new Price heyday, Barker round-
ed out his hosting duties with another game
show, Truth Or Consequences, and began
hosting the Miss Universe Pageants.
In the 80s, The Price Is Right continued to
build up its fan base of college students, Navy
officers, and lottery housewives. It was when
Plinko was introduced, a bagatelle-pinball
style game where players dropped chips
through a series of pegs to have them land on
dollar amounts. Cliffhangers also became a
cult sensation due to its yodeling soundtrack
and the scare of the mountain climber falling
off of the board. Barker would always joke
about “El Cheapo”, the dirty trick used in the
Money Game, or how in the Range Game
nobody could press the button too soon, oth-
erwise the game wouldn’t work for 37 hours.
During that era, Barker had grown very
defensive of aggressive Samoans giving him
massive hugs. It was also when he turned
grey and missed the only week of shows in all
of his time Price hosting (Tom Kennedy was
the substitute host). Unfortunately, Price suf-
fered a loss in announcer Johnny Olsen, and
Rod Roddy, a flashy, glittery fixture of Price,
took over the announcing reins.
In the 90s, Price and Barker had to suffer
a blow to the reputation of Price when its
own spokesmodels sued Barker for wrongful
termination and, moreso, sexual harassment.
Though he was cleared on sexual harassment,
he recently lost a suit with former model
Holly Hallstrom. Aside from the scandals,
The Price Is Right once again became a syn-
dicated half-hour show hosted by Doug
Davidson, and that lasted only one season.
Despite the bad moments of Price that
decade, Bob Barker appeared alongside and
fought Adam Sandler in the movie Happy
Gilmore (“Now I think you had enough…
bitch.”), and in 1997, Game Show Network
re-aired classic episodes of years past up until
2000, where contractual issues ended its run.
In recent years, it seems like there was no
stopping Barker, not even age (he’ll be turn-
ing 83 in December) stopping him from
doing what he loves to do. He’s still able to do
the show as long as it gives him a reason to
walk through those doors. The prizes have
become bigger and more expensive, the
crowds and contestants still have their energy,
and the show has run smoother. Even Price
has been expanded to several million-dollar
specials where records are constantly broken.
And despite behind-the-scenes controversies
of more spokesmodel lawsuits, it never
stopped him from hosting a game show for as
long as he could just to make his fans, con-
testants, and viewers happy.
Now that Barker will be walking away
from Price once and for all, one can only
wonder what this will do to the entire game
show industry. There may be a sense of a loss
of security because viewers and fans of Price
and the game show genre have been so used
to having Barker around on the airwaves for
years and years. It’s anyone’s guess as to who
will take over as host for Price, but fans are
assured that at least the show will go on.
Fans should enjoy it while they can. It may
be the last time we ever see Bob Barker on
television, and the last thing we’ll hear him
tell us is to have our pets spayed and neutered.

Showdown at the Deng Lee Corral
If you have read my article from last
issue, you know that I had an accident
(more like I let the full blinding force of my
own ineptness be exposed) coming out of
the Roth dining hall. But now I am back,
hungry as ever, and no longer walking with
a limp. So, after much anticipation (and
goading by my editors), here is the Roth
dining hall review!
After announcing that Roth was next on
my list, I received many warnings about the
food at Deng Lee’s Chinese Restaurant. I
was told about everything from roaches to
rats in the food, I was even told that some-
one had once died from food poisoning
after eating at Deng Lee’s. However, I
decided to be adventurous and go ahead and
do it anyway. After all, if I’m going to die, I
might as well die whilst eating.
Being that Deng Lee’s is a dangerous
place to eat, I went straight for it. On my
first visit, I ordered the vegetable lo mein
and some tofu soup (it was advertised as
miso soup, but it does not deserve the dis-
tinction), and hoped for the best. The food
was reasonably priced, but not impressively
so. The soup fell far short of anything that I
would ever consider serving. It was a mush
of saturated tofu, over-cooked and quite
sparse on vegetables, and it had no season-
ing whatsoever. I took two spoonfuls and
gave up. My first impression was not a good
one. However, I braced myself for the next
dish, vegetable lo mein. To my utter sur-
prise and astonishment, the lo mein was, in
fact, delicious. I haven’t had lo mein this
tasty in quite a while, and I feel that it is
superior to that which is found in the
Jasmine restaurant in the Wang Center, and
it’s served in nearly the same portion. My
first day had left me torn, for I had eaten
something truly awful and something quite
wonderful, which brings me to my next
visit.
In the second round of the Deng Lee’s
showdown, I ordered some fried pork
dumplings, pork fried rice, and a shrimp
and vegetable stir fry. I forked over $8 for
the large meal, and drew a few sideways
glances from the people serving me. I could
hear them thinking, “Is that fat, white,
American boy really going to eat all of
that?” To answer their question, I did in fact
With Chef Heath
eat every bite of it. Take that, starving chil-
dren around the world! (I apologize for that
last remark; Lord, please be with the starv-
ing children. Amen.) I tried the shrimp veg-
etable stir fry first, and being that I knew the
shrimp had most likely been delivered
frozen, I ate it with great relish. Normally I
steer away from seafood if for no other rea-
son than that it spoils quickly, and is often
pushed beyond acceptable freshness in
order to turn a profit on it. The stir fry was
well-seasoned; it had a bit too much salt,
but in a forgivable amount. The vegetables
were not overcooked, but were rather very
well done, and the shrimp was spot-
on. Next I went for the fried rice, a
personal favorite of mine in all
forms. I have had good rice, I have
had bad rice, and this fried rice
deserves the place of middling
rice. It was nothing special, but
still quite satisfying. The only
degradation I can apply is that
many of the ingredients,
namely the pork and onion,
were not cleanly cut, result-
ing in a large wad of onion or
pork, while the rest of the dish
is devoid of said ingredient.
Finally, I came to the pork
dumplings. I was eager to try
these, as I could smell them
through the to-go box and
had tasted the dipping sauce (I
drool at its mention). The dumplings were
phenomenal. They were not too doughy,
piping hot inside, and complemented very
well by the dipping sauce. I have found
something to match the SAC’s garlic knots.
The next day at Roth, I decided to give
myself a break from Deng Lee’s, nervous
that they might begin to think of me as the
gluttonous round-eyed devil that continual-
ly asks them what goes into every dish. I
instead bought a sandwich from the sand-
wich bar, which from what I could tell had
no name other than such. The line was long,
but it moved much faster than its cousin in
the SAC. The best part about the bar is that
you can order a combination of two meats,
two vegetables, a cheese, a dressing, and
condiments on your choice of bread. You
can even get it warmed up in a sandwich
press (which gives a much greater taste, but
www.thestonybrookpress.com
ruins the appearance of the sandwich. Think
of a sandwich if someone with corduroy
pants sat down on it). I ordered two sand-
wiches on a tip that they were not very fill-
ing, one roast beef and the other ham and
turkey. I had the roast beef grilled with pro-
volone cheese and mayonnaise, while the
pig-poultry combo was served with lettuce,
tomato, and some Italian dressing. After
forking over 14 dollars (Holy
MotherF***ing S***!
That was
American
Joe Donato been a rollercoaster ride of the
Dollars!), I walked away with a consider-
ably lighter wallet and a newfound anger
towards my sandwiches, seeing as how gas
for my car is going to be a luxury forgone
this week. I tried the roast beast first, and
was surprised at how quickly the sandwich
disappeared. The sandwich itself was rather
dry, but still tasty, never mind that it looked
like hell. The pig-poultry combo was next,
and it was considerably better than the first.
The sandwich had a rather homey taste to it,
and was quite enjoyable. I must confess that
the sandwiches are not filling at all; I was
hungry within an hour after eating two of
them! For the price paid, I would rather eat
at Jasmine and get so full they have to have
them roll me out the door.
The following day I went right back to
Deng Lee’s (it’s like they have a chip in my
head) and got ready for another day of hit-
or-miss Chinese food. On this particular
day, I arrived early enough to watch the
chef make most of the entrees. I was
impressed by the speed and dexterity he
possessed while managing the tremendous
wok he worked with (say it five times fast).
I ordered a tofu dish (they wouldn’t tell me
what it was… Not a good sign), the steamed
vegetable dumplings, and the chicken veg-
etable soup. I was tempted to try one of the
egg rolls offered, but I decided against it,
remembering that food left under a heat
lamp where patrons help themselves is def-
initely going to get me sick. The tofu did not
surprise me; it was salty, mushy, and I actu-
ally threw it away before eating anything
else. I next went for the steamed vegetable
dumplings. All I can say is that they are
not as good as their fried pork cousins.
The dumplings were good, but after
you have had the same thing fried and
stuffed with meat, nothing com-
pares. The soup was actually
pretty good. The portion
was just right, and it had a
good amount of chicken
and vegetables, although I
felt the soup was under-sea-
soned and lacking body. All
in all, a pretty disappointing
meal for $12.
These past two weeks have
good, the bad, and the ugly in Roth dining
hall. The sandwich bar offers custom sand-
wiches at an extravagant price, as well as
specials at equally outrageous prices in their
display case. I felt very dissatisfied with the
food here, being that I could not even get
full off of two sandwiches. Deng Lee’s is a
catch-22 for a dinner. It all depends on what
you order. There are some fantastic food
options here, but you just have to know
what will agree with your palate. Even after
blowing much of my paycheck on food, I
am still going to Deng Lee’s on a regular
basis for the dumplings. And to dispel the
myth, I did not even get sick once! All in all,
Roth is a nice change from the main eater-
ies on campus, so long as you know what
you want. I give Roth 1.5 stars, or in other
words for us commuters: Not worth the
walk.
11
 James Messina
X-Men 2: Clone Wars
Best game ever. This is my favorite game of all time. The gameplay was really innovative; the game begins without a loading screen,
launching you into the action. The characters have balanced special abilities, making every level a question of both strategy and skill.
There’s a solid plot and a good soundtrack, and the levels are pretty sweet. And you get to play as Magneto. Re-read that last sentence.
Yeah, fucking Magneto. I’ve played this game so much that it scares some of the other staffers. It’s fo’ the Genesis.

Streets of Rage 2
Another good one. I mean, fuck, this is a top five, why wouldn’t it rock socks? This game is the sequel to Streets of Rage and the pre-
cursor to Streets of Rage 3, but among gamers it is almost universally regarded as the best of the trilogy. The point of the game is to walk
around and beat up a lot of people. I think there’s an actual plot. But mostly, beating people up. Everything’s sweet about this game.
The soundtrack, level designs, bosses, and gameplay are all excellent, and the two-player mode is probably the best of any game of its
generation. My brother and I used to play this game every day (arguably the only thing we ever did together which didn’t result in injury).
Fuck you if you don’t play this. It’s fo’ the Genesis.

Perfect Dark
My friends and I used to get together at least once a week to play this game, seven or eight guys crowding around a 25” TV and scream-
ing obscenities at the screen. This was before we got driver’s licenses or cell phones, so the organization behind this thing was pretty
impressive. The game had a good single-player mode and an amazing multiplayer mode. Four people and eight simulants, all running
around killing one another. Holy shit, it rocked. The array of guns to choose from was both impressive and creative. For those familiar
with the game, three words: Slayer, The Villa. Scary. It’s fo’ the N64.

Halo
Yeah, I’m a tool. I put this on the list. Whatever, fuck you. I’m not a hardcore gamer, and I don’t claim to be. This list isn’t meant
to be pretentious and obscure, and I know I have no credibility. So enough defending myself. After the amount of hype this game
received, if you haven’t played it, you won’t. I’ll just tell you I love everything about this game. I hadn’t finished a videogame in about
five years prior to Halo, but when I bought the XBOX, I played this game. It’s one of perhaps three I beat on the system the whole time
I had it, and easily the best of them. Wuv you, Halo. It’s fo’ the XBOX.

Phantasy Star II
I ordinarily don’t play videogames. And even when I do, I ordinarily don’t play RPG’s. This one made the list because I hate doing
work. My mom told me to look for a job one summer. My response was to download ROMs like crazy. After having beaten a lot of
games (thanks, save-states!), I came across Phantasy Star II. And played it. It’s really addictive, and it has a good storyline. I really
liked this game, though some of those dungeons sucked. I had to check a site to get past them because they required an exact sequence
that would have been pretty tricky to memorize. I hate shit like that, but I love that game. It’s fo’ the Genesis.

12 www.thestonybrookpress.com
 Nicole L. Barry
Final Fantasy 3/6
Did you wait for Shadow? My mother didn’t, at least not the first time; and it’s an embarrassing tale I once told a GameStop employ-
ee and my mother has never lived down. There’s nothing quite like a GameStop employee flipping shit on your mother from across the
counter, by the way. This game was my first Final Fantasy, and through all the years, it has remained my indelible favorite. The hall-
marks of this game’s clear superiority are as follows: not one, but two strong female characters that are neither ditzy and stupid, or brash
and manly. Terra is my favorite videogame character of all time. Also, this game has the best villain ever: Kefka, who actually does suc-
ceed in destroying the world. Point made.

Chrono Trigger
If you’ve never played this game, you’ve never truly enjoyed an RPG. Chrono Trigger is my second-favorite RPG of all time, and way
to score points for replay value- not only is there time travel, which cannot help but make a game awesome, there are multiple endings
and a fantastic New Game + feature, so that you can go back and get all the endings. Don’t make the mistake of playing this on PlayStation
except to get all those fancy anime endings, ‘cause it’s laggy as hell and ruins this otherwise flawless game. Hey Mom, what’s black mat-
ter for? Oh yeah, that’s right, Mom fought Magus and didn’t get him in her party. She’s 0 for 2.

Harvest Moon
I may come from a town with more cows than people, but something about this cult favorite RPG/farming simulation has left me
addicted through all of its incarnations. Hour for hour, I probably have spent more time playing Harvest Moon than any other game. You
take over your grandfather’s farm, you plant crops, you raise chickens and milk cows, you woo the village women, you get married and
have children. I know, it sounds fucking awesome, right? That’s because it is.

Tetris
I am the Tetris Master. I will take you on. I knew I was destined for Tetris superiority when my mother bet me $10 when I was little
that I couldn’t beat type B Tetris, level 9 height 5, and I had a sickening sense of satisfaction when I beat it, and went to collect my $10.
She, of course, is a shifty bitch and wanted me to do it AGAIN. Of course, I wasn’t about to take no for an answer, because $10 at that
point meant a new Barbie. I, of course, shortly afterwards abandoned Barbies and went headstrong into a career of playing Tetris full time.

Sim City 2000

Don’t ever think of playing this on the PlayStation. I was too young to know better and I’m pretty sure we didn’t own a computer at
that point, but I never want to see the TV frozen on the map generation for 10 minutes again. Mom has nothing to do with this game. I
play this game when I’m bored on the computer, mostly because I like to indulge my ability to play God. Sim City isn’t nearly as fun
without cheating, but you do feel pretty badass when you actually manage to have a positive flow of money! African Swallow, go!

www.thestonybrookpress.com 13
 Vincent Michael Festa
F-Zero GC
Showing off the Super Nintendo’s capabilities when it came out in l991, the sci-fi racer demonstrated scaling, rotation, detailed graph-
ics, lush colors, and high-speed action. Fast-forward to 2004, where F-Zero GC induced seizures and caused heart attacks and brain-hem-
orrhaging thanks to its breakneck speed, pumping rock/techno soundtrack, and convoluted twists and turns. It made the entire Wipeout
series look like a bargain-bin title. Oh, wait…

Space Harrier
Totally ahead of its time thanks to its graphical wizardry, viewpoint, 3-D scaling, speed, and amount of colors, Sega could not have
made a better statement in advancing the history of the arcade game. Space Harrier ran and hovered through the playfield, shooting down
stone-heads, dragons, robot gunners, and one-eyed mammoths while dodging shots and structures. It’s truly a sporty original that’s part
of the 80s Sega magic shared with Super Hang-On, Outrun, After Burner, Thunderblade, and Power Drift.

Robotron 2084
What’s funny was that its brother, Defender, had no joystick control, but only buttons to move and fire your ship. I guess Robotron
was where the joystick went, because in Robotron, two joysticks were used to move and fire. Take a lonely hero, surround him with help-
less family hostages, endless droids, robots, rapid fire, and mind-fuck sound FX, and you’re looking at an average lifespan of only six
seconds for each life, because this game goes off. Play at very high volumes and keep infants away from this game.

Bubble Bobble
Your girlfriend will love this one. Two dinosaurs blow bubbles at their enemies to trap them and pop them out of oblivion as they trav-
el further down to defeat a drunken sorcerer (I hear he’s big on whiskey) to rescue their girlfriend. Along the way, so many secrets, dif-
ferent endings, power-ups, food items, and lucky charms are to be found that this massive points race has become a classic.

Contra: Shattered Soldier

This is a game that’s true to the unique artistic vision of its storyline. 80% of the world’s population is obliterated thanks to the world’s
leaders attempting to abuse an alien relic, and they frame it on Bill Rizer, a Contra staple. See the empty desolation, desperation, and iso-
lation of a once-living world now in ruins as you destroy transformer robot machines, unreal alien life forms, and super heavy-duty indus-
trial death in a blaze of glory.

14 www.thestonybrookpress.com
 Rebecca Kleinhaut
Adventure Island II
I don’t know anything about any of the new game systems. I was shocked to hear that Playstation is now up to its third system.
Therefore, all of my games will be for the oldest of old school Nintendo systems. Adventure Island II follows the plight of Higgins, a
Paleolithic man with a skateboard, as he travels around a series of islands with his trusty dinosaurs. My sister and I used to pretend that
Higgins was a slave/ master and his dinosaurs were collecting his dinner in every stage (you need to collect fruit to stay alive). I also used
to want the blue dinosaur for a pet; he was so sure-footed and dependable. I also still haven’t been able to get to the end of this game. It’s
just that good.

Kirby’s Adventure

What’s not to love about a little cream puff that can eat ten times his weight? He can also swim, which seems to go against the cream
puff logic. This game is fun and pretty easy to beat. It’s good for some stress relief.

Super Mario Brothers 3

This is my favorite out of the original three Mario Brothers’ games for Nintendo. I love the boot. Plus, the different super powers are
a lot of fun. I just can’t get past the level with all of the clouds. That really bugs me, but not enough to stop playing. I still have a good
time.

Little Nemo, the Dream Master

This game is so ancient! I have the fondest memories of eating Cheetos Paws (remember those?) and watching my sister play. It’s about
this little boy that gets trapped inside of his messed-up dreams. You can throw bubblegum at animals to get their powers. This game is
really frustrating, but I love it all the same.

Bugs Bunny’s Crazy Castle

I really don’t like this game. You can’t jump or run, only walk up stairs and drop anvils on Wile E. Coyote and Daffy Duck. It’s the
dumbest game ever, but I could never stop playing.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 15
 Steve McLinden
Super Metroid
While the original Metroid for the NES in 1987 was the real groundbreaker, Super Metroid is essentially the perfect action-adventure
game, period. Samus Aran sent the message, in the onset of the 8-bit era, that the protagonist of a game could be a girl. Metroid’s non-
linear open-endedness was light years ahead of basic side-scrollers. In 1994’s Super Nintendo 16-bit follow-up, the gameplay and the
environment became even more expansive. Challenging and not impossible. Possibly the greatest game ever.

Super Smash Bros.

It’s not a good party if it doesn’t involve some Super Smash Bros., definitely one of the most fun multiplayer games of all time; I’ll
never get tired of playing this with friends. I don’t think Pikachu electrocuting Mario is canonical to either series, but who cares? Melee
got a little too complicated, but I have high hopes for Brawl on the Wii.

Toejam & Earl

One of the most brilliant Sega Genesis games. Two extraterrestrials crash-land on an Earthlike planet and must find the pieces of their
spaceship to return home. 1991 was in the golden age of hip-hop, and you can see it in the tripedal Toejam’s big gold chain or Earl’s
ghetto-blaster. 3D roaming of a few dozen levels, and “presents” like tomato slingshots or rocket skates to fend off the humans or get
you around faster. The sequel was an OK side-scroller, and the Xbox revival sucked. Maybe Toejam & Earl is still ahead of its time.

Big Rigs
Activision released this golden turd in 2003. This is the most exciting truck racing there is, sort of. I mean, there’s a computer oppo-
nent semi-trailer, who kind of just drives in a straight line and never actually finishes a race. The landscape doesn’t provide any sort of
obstacles, except that your truck falls through bridges. My favorite part is that your speedometer accelerates infinitely, past the speed of
light, even. And if you make it to the finish line, you get the greatest congratulations ever! Most publications gave Big Rigs the lowest
scores possible in reviews. This makes it the best game ever.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Sons of Liberty

Stealth-action games with a strange sense of humor and unconventional means of play: that’s what makes Metal Gear awesome, and
MGS3 got the formula just right. Hideo Kojima knows how to make a game with a great story. Set during the Cold War in a Russian
jungle, the covert methods are different than in other Metal Gear games, like camouflaging with a fake crocodile head to cross a river.
The complexity and attention to detail is mind-blowing; instead of a health meter, you injure body parts and this will slow you down
unless you heal them. Not recommended for those with heart conditions.

16 www.thestonybrookpress.com
 Andrew Pernick
Final Fantasy VII
Having been rated as one of the “best games of all time” by many a gaming magazine, there is very little that can be said about this
game that has not been said before. The plot is quite possibly one of the most original in the Final Fantasy series, the characters are rich,
dynamic, and personable to the point where I could find a part of me in every single one of them. The cutscenes push the limits of the
original Playstation, and the score by the legendary musical prodigy Nobuo Uematsu, even though it is played through a MIDI synthe-
sizer, tugs on every string in the heart. There is one scene which I will not describe here as I despise spoilers which was so powerful, so
beautifully rendered, and so emotionally devastating that, upon seeing it I stepped away from the game and cried for several hours and
spent the next week in a state of shock, feeling a deep sense of loss as if one of my own family had left me for good.

Final Fantasy VI
This is the only game I have ever played where I listened to the score played on an actual piano in the Final Fantasy VI Piano
Collection before I played the game. The score itself, Uematsu’s grandest masterpiece, drove me to play this game. While I am at this
point in time only halfway through the game, I am still convinced that it stands head and shoulders above almost all RPGs ever crafted.
Kefka, the main villain, needs no words as one needs to experience the game in order to understand the true power of this RPG’s magni-
tude and depth.

Xenosaga Vol. I
I am still playing this game. I have purchased Volumes II and III as I am convinced they can only build upon the greatness of the first
volume in the saga. The graphics are mind-blowing. The characters feel like reel people. The fighting system works beautifully. The
score, while not as great as Uematsu’s works, still stirs the soul and fits the game like a sharp suit on a Wallstreet powerbroker. This is
not a game to be played, this is a game to be experienced.

Chrono Trigger

Time travel meets RPG. It’s released by Squaresoft. Do I need to say anything more?

Star Flight
None of you have heard of this classic for the Commodore 64. This is the original space adventure game. For fans of true classic gam-
ing, this is a must-play. I recommend at least two pads of note paper, a trusty pen, and several days devoted solely to seeing and experi-
encing all that this game has to offer. Its sequel does not make this list, solely because I am limited to five games and not six. The crew
who toiled endlessly to craft this masterpiece poured their hearts and souls into every aspect of this game and the result is the ultimate
classic game.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 17
 Ask Amberly Jane
So, damn. I’ve been away. Burning the midnight oil over the
big waters in Paris.
French till January — or at least walking amongst these
zombies, going to school in the ghetto, and squatting in my
sweet flat ‘til then.
How have you been!? God, I miss you crazy hooligans and
readers all.
I miss Stony, as odd and disturbing as that seems, and my
ability to definitively communicate with anyone I so choose.
My French is bad at best, I admit, but after only one semester
studying the phlegmy language, and sacks as big as bowling
balls, I dove right in. Just another thrust in life. Where will this
one take me?
As it happens, it took me to a fairy-tale land (emphasis on
“fairy”) that so highly values pomp and appearance (not my
cup of Tiffany tea): a hotbed of machismo and snooty beret
worshipers.
In a worldwide census, France picked “Attractiveness”’ as
the most important aspect in a mate/lover, above all others (like
humor — voted #1 by America and the UK).
They are a restrained people ... the Metro is quiet (it’s always
foreigners who are the drunkest) ... but the men love to stare. In
New York, eye contact is a sign of aggression. Here, they prac-
tically throw their goddamn eyeballs at you.
It’s true. Zombies are walking the streets of Paris.
Bloodthirsty, with vacant eyes ... but more graceful. The men
look like fags, and I don’t mean gay, I mean like fags: prettier
and skinnier than American females. The women are these
stern creatures who never dislodge food from their teeth in
public, or apply makeup, or smile. Their painstaking attention
to detail is matched only by their hatred of anything non-
French. Emily and I coined a term for their bullshit: “Frog
Noise.”
I caught an eleven-year-old kid trying to pick my pocket
while I was listening to music, eyes closed. When I felt a flut-
ter by my hipbone, I reeled around, caught his arm, and said the
first thing that came to mind: “You shouldn’t fuck with New
Yorkers, kid.” I don’t know if he understood me, but he
screamed like a little girl and ran off with his friends.
Yes, there is a definite stink to Paris. Be certain. Foul and
intense and eye-stinging, a product of the unpasteurized cheese
and vastly popular public-peeing policy, which people do near-
ly as much as make out in the streets. Young and old engage in
flamboyant, almost-to-third-base PDA, like hungry jackals
sucking tongues and devouring lips. It’s an anomaly in a cul-
ture that so reveres stoic indifference and baguette platitudes.
To be honest, I wrote that bit about the women before I set-
tled into this life — and I can tell you, with no reservations, that
18
right now I know why these women project “untouchable”: the
motherfucking Maghrebs (Northwest Africans — Morocco,
Algeria, Tunisia) who hound us constantly and grab your arm
while you’re walking down the street.
This, I realized, is why French femmes keep to a platitude
and exhibit not even a slight outward sign of come-hither
approachableness. If you so much as glance in their direction
(especially after 10 PM), they will follow you down the street
— for BLOCKS if you let them — until either you tell them to
fuck off (“Putain, sois pas stupide!”), or they grab your arm,
and your friends hold you back two seconds before you club
them with a wine bottle taken from the pissing bum.
Believe me, they are many, and they will hunt you down.
I’m only half-joking, of course, but in NY they would be
trounced and quartered for grabbing an unknown person. And
look, I’m not the kind of chick who complains about these
things, cat-calling and whatnot — one Sex Show barker in
Amsterdam’s Red Light District, as I passed by, said, “Hey, I
smell some tuna!”
I hollered back, not missing a beat. “Then tell your mom to
close her legs!”
I got applause from the passing male throngs.
But, when you lay a hand on me, you better be ready for the
thunder. And I, a studious anthropology student, taught to con-
sider each splendid culture as a sacred investment of innumer-
able valid forces, will kick your ass.
So. Ahem. Sorry for that. Venting a little frustration.
I have met some awesome people here.
Even some awesome French people. Ségolène (who shares
a name with the recent French Socialist Party winner vs.
Sarkozy), is a fantastic Frog. Emily, my partner in crime and
flatmate, as well as some handsome slices from Wisconsin,
Texas, Berlin, and New Mexico. Good people; I go to school
with them all.
School is a fucking vacation. Here at Saint-Denis it’s in
French, I understand about 70% of it, and that’s when the
teachers decide to show up. You guys at the Brook work so
hard compared to these lazy fucks — bought ONE book for
my Anthro. class, no homework or tests, just a final paper. My
Holographics teacher, after twenty minutes of near-silence and
a vague request to cut paper, just got up and left! (And we
haven’t seen him since.)
Bet your bottom: You as SB students are getting a better
education. I’m 70% sure.
Good times I’ve had here: the first time I went to the Louvre
— I was on mushrooms, and let me tell you, tripping-the-light-
fantastic is the best way to see the Mona Lisa. It’s the best way
to see just about anything. Holy sensory-overload, it was quite
www.thestonybrookpress.com
an adventure. I just kept trying to touch everything. And seeing
Jim Morrison’s grave was cool.
But you guys wanna hear about the Live Sex Shows in
Amsterdam, and all the things I saw inserted into a vagina
(five).
One last word on the French. The phlegmy language, swal-
lowing of syllables, is a product of their love of all things dairy.
Truly, the food is amazing; one thing they have a handle on.
But once you get past this-cheese-is-pure-heaven stage, what a
lonely, 7-11-less world it is. Instead of American delis with
subs brimming over, there is literally, honestly, no hyperbole,
one slice of meat and cheese in a sandwich.And they have two
buttons on the toilet, depending on your load. Unload. You get
it.
But the worst thing about Paris (besides getting endlessly
harassed) is this: there’s NO fucking marijuana here! Instead,
they revel in its ultimate bastardization: hash. Shit in a stick.
Vile and bereft of any pleasant taste, it’s the Moroccan influ-
ence and their THC of choice. And as you all know, I loves me
some weed ... so off to Amsterdam I must go.
Amsterdam is the ultimate global meeting spot.
It’s where everyone, from everywhere, goes to celebrate and
spank off to legal drugs and prostitutes. Hell of a city, really.
I’ve been back a handful of times, and each time I meet more
people from the globe-over. (I smoked with a fully insane man,
who showed me the anti-psychotics he wasn’t taking and kept
scribbling “ONLY HAPPY” on a napkin.)
I have acquired a favorite street (Warmoesstraat), falafel
place, and smoke shop (Hill Street Blues, where the locals hang
out). Sure, The Dam has the Anne Frank House and a nifty
Rembrandt museum, but its serpentine streets and semi-circu-
lar canals are famous, nay infamous, for the pungent aroma that
hangs in the air and wafts past the women in the windows.
Whatever kind you want (drugs or women), can be had at a
price. Usually very cheap.
My greatest experiences since leaving America The Empire,
have been in this town — a town as troubled and colorful as the
extra labia flap on the Moulin Rouge prostitute, which allowed
her to hold a Sharpie and scrawl on willing men’s chests.
Twenty-five euro to see a live sex show.
I didn’t want to see video or stripping. Been there, smelled
that. I wanted to see two or more people fucking in front of me.
“Yes, suckie, fuckie, lickie, dickie,” the street-hyper assured
me. What I got was the aforementioned pussy writing, banana
eaten out of pussy, and some hot stripping to Jessica Rabbit,
where the woman plucked a random dude from the audience,
and handed him one end of a ribbon. The rest of the ribbon was
in her pussy. And as she stripped and sauntered around, the rib-

bon, several yards of it, snaked around the man and the pole.
Nearly endless.
And yes, I saw two people fucking, two feet in front of me
— choreographed to perfection, going through the same
motions, twists of the dildo, and facial expressions each time
(we sat through 3 1/2 shows ... just to get our money’s worth,
of course). Sat in the front row where, apparently, they jump on
you and mash their g-stringed penis into your face. Which was
lovely. Caught me completely off guard. (During subsequent
shows, the dude noticed me again in the front row and nodded
to me, like, ‘Do you want my penis in your face again?’I shook
my head and nodded to other girls around me. It’s WAY more
fun watching it happen to someone else.) But the man doesn’t
cum at the end! (Even at the end of the final show!) Completely
disappointing; a total tease.
Right, got lost in the memory. But Amsterdam was amaz-
ing, as close as you will get to Burning Man in the “default”
world.
As you can tell, I much prefer the Dutch to the French. Love
of beer and bong and revelry, as opposed to being proper,
reserved and accosted by heady Moroccans.
I talk to everyone I can, all the Amsterdam locals, every
eatery with ethnic owners, who see a dewy-eyed American,
freshly high and hungry, turn to their equally dark cook, and
nudge a laugh. “Think they smoked?”
A dozen or so sauced soccer hooligans chant outside, some
indistinguishable fight song. They aren’t moving on, just inch-
ing forward, loudly toasting the sky and their fallen comrades.
The owner is tapping his foot. Soccer hooligans unaware of his
disapproval. Waiting for hot food, I talk to the guy, whose eyes
have clearly seen it all.
“Do you get sick of all the party animals?” I ask. He seems
pleasantly put off by my question.
“Sometimes.”
Yeah, I tell him, I imagine it gets old watching people from
all over the world loudly fraternize while you put in the 9-to-5
and feed their munchies. He smiles. “Naw, it’s a great town.”
I’ve broken through. We talk of weed and language, and
though he doesn’t smoke “anymore,” he said that most locals
do.
We happily eat our falafel and chips, but he takes mayon-
naise and squirts a fresh steaming load onto my fries. I try it.
It’s nasty. By the end of our time there, we had discussed poli-
tics (how Bush doesn’t scare Iraqis, and how Saddam is the
light-bringer for all true Christians), and we developed a game
of whistling back and forth, much to his chagrin.
Yes, I’d like to live in Amsterdam one day. It’s really quite
beautiful. They have amazing graffiti. And just to leave you a
tad smarter, the three X’s on the Dam Coat of Arms do not
stand for porno; no, no, they are St. Andrew’s crosses, and they
represent the three dangers which have traditionally plagued
the city: flood, fire, and pestilence. Not, as previously thought,
crabs, black lung, and the herp.
If you go, make sure they light the Absinthe on fire first.
Also, the ticket-taker at the Torture Museum is more interesting
than the rusty guillotine inside, and never, ever take a picture of
the women behind the windows. They hate that.
That’s all for now.
I’ll birth another column somewhere along this dusty trail.
God, I miss the grit of New York, unrefined, unpolished,
absurd and lethal. But, don’t feel bad for me: I have my man
visiting in two days, lifting my skirts and spirits, as well as other
close friends coming to stay for a while after that. We’ll be vis-
iting Rome and London (for the mother of all Euro-parties —
Burning Man Decompression ‘06), as well as New Ye a r’s in
The Dam.
Remember, even Jesus hates the French. After all, cleanli-
ness is next to godliness.
Be well my children, and eternal kisses on pink parts.
I leave you with this letter, sent by a fine gentleman. It’s edu-
cational.
Well hello Miss Amberly Jane...
I have many stories for you over the past couple of weeks;
apparently, when people live on campus over the summer, all
they do is booze and fuck.
All right, so here’s my favorite happening of the recent past...
www.thestonybrookpress.com
I met this girl at orientation; she was a transfer com-
ing in, around my age. So I was talking to her through-
out the day and ended up getting her number before she
left. Luckily for me, she lives about five minutes away,
so I get to see her, but that’s not important.
Anyway, I go over to her house one night because she
says she’s having a party. Long story short, the party
was a lot of fun. So we’re in bed a few hours after
everyone left, and there’s a knock on the door; it was
her housemate Matt or Mike or something like that. He
comes in, for some reason sits on the bed, and starts
talking. Meanwhile, we’re both naked under the covers,
yada, yada.
So this girl (Gloria) turns to me and says...I shit you
not... “Room for one more?”
At this point my jaw is on the ground and I don’t real-
ly know what to say, so I said something to the effect of
“As long as our swords don’t cross” or something
retarded like that. You know how I am, and being
incredibly drunk at the time wasn’t really worried about
it.
So me and this kid (for lack of a better way to explain
it) did the double-penetration thing, a first for me, haha.
And fortunately we were all sober enough to keep
everyone’s equipment where it was supposed to be so it
d i d n ’t get weird.
I thought, being so far from Stony Brook, you would
appreciate some raunchy college sex story.
Au revoir, mon déesse.
-Mighty Blunt
P.S. THANK GOD YOU’RE WRITING AGAIN! I
can’t stress how much of a bummer this new chick is.
She actually ridicules people for even WANTING to
have pre-marital sex, paraphrases the gospel, and writes
as if she’s thumping that Bible 24/7.
Emails are always welcome —
AskAmberlyJane@hotmail.com
“If I had three wishes, my second one would be to put
the world back together.”
19
 Commuter Bus, We Hate You
By Jessica Cordero
___________
Riding on the South P bus is an experi-
ence that almost all commuters dread hav-
ing to do. There are only two South P
buses, except for about two hours in the
afternoon, and a good majority of Stony
Brook’s students commute here everyday.
As a junior here at Stony Brook
University I have commuted five days a
week here through rain, sleet, snow, fog
and the horrible horrible nightmare that is
Nicolls Road. A little over a year ago I was
lucky enough to become employed here
and was granted the ultimate luxury of a
parking pass. The pass lets me bypass the
South P lot, which is a hardship that only
commuters seem to know about, and
which has only gotten worse during my
time here at Stony Brook.
I arrived at the lot at approximately
8:45 am. My class may not have been until
about 9:30, but as a commuter you learn
early that in order to get to class on time
you need to arrive earlier than 20 minutes
prior to class; 20 minutes is for amateurs.
The parking lot was already getting
crowded, so I found a spot as quickly as I
could and joined the group standing
behind a large empty building erected in
the center of the lot (what is that for any-
way?).
Ten minutes went by, and occasionally
there was a muffled “This sucks” or an
“I’m cold” and someone talked on their
cell phone too loud. I was thinking that I
was in pretty good shape; class wasn’t for
a little while, and maybe I could get some
c o ffee beforehand in the SAC, and pay too
much money for it. A few more minutes
passed, and during that time more students
were joining the mass of people waiting to
get on the bus. Those of us who were wait-
ing became impatient, nervous, and irrita-
ble. The group of students waiting there
was now too big to all fit on the bus.
There is no courteousness among com-
muting students there in the lot, it’s the
law of the jungle. Those new people
EDITOR’S NOTE
Empty space? What is a layout monkey
to do? I know! Here are some space-fill-
ing bears courtesy of our cartoonist Joe
Donato. Thanks Joe!
20
would probably cut in line, ahead of me.
Commuters know who I am talking about,
the bastard who runs up at the last minute
and jumps on ahead of everyone waiting,
and then he gets his seat. We hate you,
whoever you are. A bus pulled into the lot,
and a small wave of relief washed over
me. It was short lived however, as the bus
bypassed the throng of waiting students
who needed to get to class behind the
mausoleum, and instead picked up the two
students waiting to go to the hospital. It
felt like watching the last lifeboat pull
away from the Titanic.
After a few moments of mutters (we
don’t talk to each other out there. We don’t
carpool either, although we should) it
appeared, squeaking and sputtering in all
of its glory. It was a true beacon of hope as
it braked mightily to a stop. The doors
opened, and the bus driver smiled apolo-
getically (because the fact that they are
overworked, underpaid and understaffed
is not to be held against them) and some of
us smiled back. Melee ensued. There
were now far too many students to fit safe-
ly on the bus at one time and more were
running to it from their cars, but please
just let safety try to stop the determined.
The students at the stop began to funnel
into the one tiny opening, and many stu-
dents’ bodies blocked those trying to cut
ahead (except for females with larg e
breasts, which I don’t have so that sucks).
After getting shoved up the steps, I looked
quickly for a seat that wasn’t full and
found one in the middle, which is the crap-
piest real estate any bus has to offer.
After seating myself I realized that my
seat was empty because it was next to a
really smelly kid. We all seem to have to
sit next to one at some point in our lives,
but that doesn’t make it easier when it
happens. Soon, all of the seats were full,
and there were several people standing.
There were three in the second doorway in
the stairwell, five in the wheelchair area,
and one already holding the rail running
the length along the top of the bus.
For those of you who have never ridden
www.thestonybrookpress.com
a South P bus, this does not in any way
indicate that the bus is full. As the bus
driver allowed several more people on to
hold onto the ceiling rail that runs the full
length of the bus. The driver then told
those students to move back to let more
people on. At some point I got hit in the
face with a backpack (the risks that come
with an aisle seat) and when there was a
good half a bus aisle of space left, he lets
more people onto the bus.
It was a true beacon of hope
as it braked mightily to a
stop...Melee ensued.
After every possible inch of useable
space has been taken (and I mean every
because there are kids in front of the white
line, and in both stairwells), the doors shut
and we are off at a vigorous ten miles an
hour. The bus is so heavy now that I am
afraid it will tip at every gentle curve. It is
frightening to ride that bus, and as stu-
dents we shouldn’t be feel afraid when we
have to ride that bus. We shouldn’t be
placed in harms way so we will not be late
to class.
We stop at every stop sign, and what
should be a two-minute ride now takes at
least seven minutes (for those of you keep-
ing track I am already late to class)
because the bus is so heavy and slow. No
one says a word, and the driver’s radio
plays a static-filled. WALK 97.5 FM. The
bus stops and everyone clambers off but
d i fferently this time, because we are where
we needed to be and courteousy can now
be afforded to one another. I look at my
phone, see that I am late, and rush to class.
I’ll get coffee later.
I don’t ride the bus anymore, and I have
to say how glad I am for that. The passen-
ger restrictions aren’t enforced and it isn’t
that it doesn’t feel safe: it isn’t safe. And
although so many students have to deal
with it every day, many just don’t know
what to do about it, or if they can do any-
thing at all.
Says a student named Allison, “I don’t
know. I work and I come to school and I
just have to deal with it like everyone
else”. Another student whose name I did-
n’t get simply said, “I don’t have time to
find anything like that out”, when I asked
him if he has tried to do something about
this ride. This can and should be consid-
ered as a sign of the majority of students
feeling awkward.
Commuter students on campus that I
have spoken with say that they come here
to Stony Brook University because it is a
wonderful, affordable academic institu-
tion that isn’t far from home and they
come here because they couldn’t go to
college otherwise. This implies that most
commuter students hold jobs as well as
coming to school and they shouldn’t have
to look far to find an answer to a solvable
problem. The Commuter Student
Association or Transportation Services
may be places to find an answer, and
maybe petition for a third designated com-
muter bus. We as commuters make up a
vital and important part of the student
body as well (not just monetarily either)
and a comfortable ride to school isn’t too
much to ask for.
There are some students who pay for
parking permits here at school that can be
used in the stadium lot, which are as rare
and expensive as blue diamonds. Another
solution to bus overcrowding may be to
require that students who obtain and use
the pay permits be required to carpool
with other students from their town. A list
of applicants should be chosen every year
and those students commuting from the
same area should have the pass registered
to all of their vehicles so that the pass, the
driving and gas expenses can be shared,
but so that more students can use the lot
and take the extra load off the buses. It is
also a little more earth friendly as well.
Whatever the resolution however, the
South P bus is a problem that needs to be
addressed by the Stony Brook community
at once.
Hey Democrats: It’s Time to Act! Rolling
Blackouts
By Natalie Schultz
___________
Suck
Our economy is in a very precarious
position, and it may collapse at any
moment. Right now, China is posing a
great danger, as it has threatened to divest
the American dollar of its power. The only
reason we haven’t succumbed to a cata-
strophic recession is that our deficit had
been counterbalanced by foreign invest-
ment in our currency; how-
ever, foreign investors
realize that we are teeter-
ing on the brink and
they want to diver-
sify. The only
thing we really
have going for us is
the worldwide knowledge that if
we collapse, so will the rest of the
world. Aside from China’s many
breaches of W TO regulations,
which have enabled Chinese goods
to unfairly flood the market via
illegal subsidies (we seriously
have to hold them
accountable), the fact that we have ignored
the plight of our own manufacturing
industry has forced us into a very uncom-
fortable corner. Our economy is skewed
towards the service- and intelligence-
based sectors, leaving a huge gap in work-
force diversification and leaving us very
vulnerable if we need to industrialize for
an even greater war.
Tax increases are out of the question;
the average American is already in debt,
and if taxes go up, the ability to pay off
personal debt goes down, thereby worsen-
ing our national debt problem. We
absolutely must cut spending to ease the
national debt because the further we fall,
the less value the dollar has; the only way
to make America a worthwhile investment
will be for interest rates to increase even
more, and then we’ll just end up revisiting
the stagflation of the 1970s. We need a
20
comprehensive solution that helps our
economy grow and weans us off of our
trade deficit. Pork spending must be cut
drastically. All spending should be aimed
at growing our economy for the long term.
Small business incentives are the only
viable tool to keep our economy afloat
over the long run. Since the NAFTA and
the WTO opened us up to globalization,
big corporations have repeatedly proven
that they do not care about American
workers or America’s economy. They
continually shut down manufacturing
facilities and move abroad where labor is
dirt cheap; even white collar jobs are now
off-shored to places like India, where they
can pay a person ten
cents to the dollar
that an equally-edu-
cated American
would get in jobs like
computer engineer-
ing. This is across-
the-board destruction
of America for the sake
of billion-dollar CEO
profits for a handful of
people. They don’t need America to sur-
vive; they live in a virtual world where
they can access their millions of dollars at
the click of a mouse and buy a house wher-
ever the tax laws favor them most.
I hate big government more than any-
one; ideally, I believe in laissez-faire, but
what we are living in is Adam Smith’s
worst nightmare! Our greedy bureaucratic
governments have co-opted Smith’s notion
of free trade and mongrelized it into any-
thing but that. The hands at work are far
from invisible, and, as it stands, the “natu-
ral price” for goods will never be realized.
If individual entrepreneurs had been in
charge from the get-go, we would not be in
this debacle, but since it was nothing but a
bunch of powerful governments and cor-
porations that got us into this mess, we
have no other choice but to make sure that
they get us out of it. That requires legisla-
www.thestonybrookpress.com
tion, legislation that puts more power into
the hands of individuals so that we can get
back on a fair and equitable economic
track. Our government has closed its eyes
while well-paying jobs have left our coun-
try only to be replaced by Wal-Mart
cashiers selling artificially deflated goods.
Now it’s time for payback; we need
aggressive legislation that gives tax incen-
tives to small business entrepreneurs who
are willing to fill the void left by manufac-
tures who’ve fled. We need to free our-
selves from our deficit with OPEC by sup-
porting companies that produce wind tur-
bines and solar panels; this will provide
jobs and save the earth while getting us out
of the Middle East.
It’s a well-known fact that our economy
has survived the last few years because of
the housing market. Low interest rates
created demand for housing that led to
jobs in construction, real estate, banking,
furniture, and appliance sectors. That has
all but dried up now. I’m a Minarchist,
and as such I have always voted
Republican, hoping the TRADITIONAL
conservative rhetoric of limited govern-
ment would win out. Unfortunately, the
neocons have done just as much destruc-
tion as the liberal Democrats. Well, now
that you Democrats have taken over
Congress with promises of fixing our
economy and ending the Iraq debacle, I
suggest you actually make good on your
promises. Here’s a novel concept: try
revisiting the Penny-Kasich plan. You
know, the 1993 spending cut plan that Bill
Clinton purposely had his lobbyists derail
a few days before it came up for a vote,
just so that he wouldn’t have to veto a
good plan that actually would have cut
major fat out of the budget (it lost by only
213-219 and pissed off a lot of moderate
Dems in the process). It’s really not that
difficult; just ignore the special interests
and LISTEN to the PEOPLE — you know,
the ones who actually voted, not the ones
who paid you millions.
By Alex H. Nagler
___________
Europe, with its esteemed traditions, cen-
turies of lofty nobility, and moderate social-
ist leaning, has a problem. It would appear
that its electrical power system is as old as
the concept of Marxism itself. On
November 4th, a grid in Cologne, Germany
overloaded and sent parts of Italy, France,
Spain, and Austria into the darkness with it,
also taking out neighborhoods in the
Netherlands, Belgium, and Croatia. An esti-
mated ten million people were affected by
the outage, though some were only inconve-
nienced mildly.
The power outage hit France the worst,
with over five million citizens losing power
for up to two hours. Other areas (as has been
previously mentioned) only lost power for
anywhere between five and forty-five min-
utes. It is still unclear as to how the outage
began, but it was due to the fact the other
countries were on a shared supply network
that the spillover occurred.
The main effects of the outages were
minor annoyances to the inhabitants of the
affected countries. In France, people report-
ed being stuck on elevators for the duration
of the blackout. Deutsche Bahn, the national
railway operator for Germany, reported that
over 100 trains were disrupted for half an
hour.
While some worry about the fact that
there are all of these countries connected to
one another by means of a power grid, I just
have to remind you of this: a tree branch hit
a wire in Ohio. 50 million people lost power.
Alex Nagler is the new guy and was in
Cape Cod, behind Boston’s power grid dur -
ing that summer’s blackout. Suck it, bitch.
21
Stony Brook Gets More Creative I Have No
Internet,
By Matthew Lorenz
___________
I Must
I read this novel the other day. Sort of
a detective novel, but the main character,
Thomas Theron, isn’t a detective. He’s a
Kvetch
professor. Truth be told, not the most
committed professor.
He’s clever, sarcastic and self-destruc-
tive. He doesn’t seem too interested in
keeping his job. The fact is, strange as it
sounds, he wants to write books that
a r e n ’t about other books. He wants – he
needs – to create something – anything:
Anything that isn’t ‘scholarly.’
The novel’s called Doubting Thomas,
by Robert Reeves, and Reeves is the
director of one of Stony Brook’s newest
programs: Southampton College’s pro-
gram in creative writing.
If you’ve been in a hole, this vaguely
scenic seaside college is now called
Stony Brook-Southampton. Until
this past March, Long Island University
lorded over Southampton College, a
well-situated yet under-funded school
denied the attention it deserved. Then,
as Southampton faculty member Roger
Rosenblatt said, “Out of the heavens
came Shirley Kenny.” Seeing an oppor-
tunity to expand the Stony Brook com-
munity, President Kenny decided to pur-
chase the college, along with its 82-acre
east-end property, its 42 buildings and its
well-known programs in the arts and sci-
ences. At $35 million, the price was a
b a rgain (“Houses go for that out east!”
Rosenblatt exclaimed), and the purchase
will serve as a fitting tribute to Stony
Brook’s heritage as we celebrate our
50th anniversary in 2007.
If you’ve perused the Stony Brook
homepage, you’ve heard a number of
university leaders discuss the value of
the sciences at Southampton. Even if
you don’t major in one of the sciences,
you probably know that Stony Brook’s
got a lot of important science-types
around. Not surprisingly, people on the
website speak of the unparalleled
research opportunities now possible with
this marriage of Stony Brook’s and
Southampton’s science programs…
Yada, yada, yada…
D o n ’t get me wrong. Some of my best
friends are scientists. Even one of my
siblings. She used to talk in her sleep,
and when she was in fourth grade we
heard her mumbling something about
“plate tectonics” into the darkness. My
parents were worried, and me and my
22
other sister, now a writer, told our folks
that plate tectonics was some kind of
virus involving platelets.
Yes, Stony Brook’s purchase of
Southampton College creates wonderful
opportunities for my sister and other sci-
entists. But what about the arts? What
about creation? Things get so serious
Rhubarb Stevens
Reeves: He’s a writer
around here. Maybe we need a little
Doubting Thomas.
Southampton’s creative writing pro-
gram was founded by Rosenblatt and
Robert Pattison in the early 90s, and
Reeves joined the faculty not long after-
wards. Having taught history and litera-
ture at Harvard, Reeves decided to put
his podium aside. Sort of. Instead of
teaching from the front of a lecture hall,
he moved out to the Hamptons, took his
place in the circle, and started leading
writing workshops. The workshop set-
ting is different from the lecture hall; not
as much professing.
Not long after his arrival, Reeves revi-
talized the Southampton Wr i t e r’s
Conference, taking this small local gath-
ering and ramping it up into what Tom
Wolfe has called “the best writer’s con-
ference in the country.” Now every sum-
mer, the conference receives some of the
country’s most talented writers – for
talks, workshops and the occasional bev-
erage. This past July, as a consumma-
tion of sorts, the conference took place
here. To our gentle Stony Brook, the
conference brought Amy Tan and E. L.
D o c t o r o w, Billy Collins and Frank
McCourt, Garry Trudeau and Alan A l d a ,
among other writers and readers.
Southampton faculty members such as
novelist Kaylie Jones and cartoonist
Jules Feiffer led workshops at the con-
ference. More recently, bestselling sci-
ence-writer Dava Sobel, a long-time
conference workshop leader, visited
campus as the guest speaker for
www.thestonybrookpress.com
Undergraduate College Commons Day.
In short, this highly distinguished cre-
ative writing program is now, well…
ours. To take advantage of as our cre-
ative (and not so creative) obligations
permit.
And shouldn’t they permit?
Early this December, Southampton’s
creative-writing program will host a
public reading highlighted by students in
their graduate program. It will take
place on December 6th at 7 PM Stony
Brook has started a bus-line between the
campuses, so all you have to do is hop on
one of them and get to the Duke Lecture
Hall at Chancellor’s Hall. It’s that easy.
Southampton faculty members are
also offering writing workshops that are
open to all of us. Even here on our cam-
pus. This very semester, Reeves, our
doubting hero, and Rosenblatt, an
award-winning journalist and novelist,
have been leading writing workshops
over in the Humanities Building.
( U n d e rgrad and grad fiction-writing
workshops, respectively.) SBU’s John
Westermann will be offering his regular
advanced fiction-writing workshop this
spring, and come fall, Southampton fac-
ulty members will offer chances to take
further creative writing classes. These
workshops provide students of the SBU
community with a remarkable opportu-
nity: to write not academically, but cre-
atively.
Why write? We put words to paper so
that others will read them and be
changed. We write with the hope that we
might make a difference. Now we have
a world-class writing faculty at our dis-
posal to help us do just that.
Southampton’s creative-writing program
gives Stony Brook an opportunity to
extend its traditional strength in the sci-
ences while increasing its strength in the
arts.
These writers have things to teach us.
They’re out there in the world, reaching
people more effectively than we may
ever do. Secretly, I harbor hopes that,
like Reeves, Rosenblatt and Sobel, I
might find some way to reach that larger
audience, expressing my thoughts with
greater clarity and concision. But
whether or not you also harbor such
hopes, you might find that this distin-
guished group of writers and teachers
can benefit you and this community in
ways we haven’t yet acknowledged.
These writers have things to teach us.
Let’s go out and say hello.
By Alex H. Nagler
___________
All right. Everyone knows the feeling
of taking the damned LIRR back to cam-
pus after a weekend at home and slowly
but inevitably pulling into the station,
where you’ll have to wait for a while
before you can transfer. You’ve got your
iPod on, maybe you’re reading that chap-
ter in your textbook for whatever class it
is that you have to take, or maybe you’re
like me: you’re slowly going crazy from
the lack of wireless Internet. As a denizen
of New York City, I am far too used to
going essentially anywhere and having
wireless Internet access. I’m the asshole
who complains that the Press office is suf-
fering from a severe lack of wirelessness,
and suuuure, those fuckers over at the
Statesman get wireless because they can
leech off of AirNet from the SINC site.
Well, here on the LIRR, there is no
Internet. At all. I am forced to read the
things that I’ve already written, or listen
to my music, or watch my collection of
stupid videos (again). Or, as I did before I
wrote this, read the handy dandy PDF ver-
sion of the Press. But no, now I’m aggra-
vated, listening to Pink Floyd, and having
d i fficulty typing because the train to
Huntington is one of those shitty old ones
that shakes like a Tourette’s Syndrome
patient and has unscheduled blackouts.
AND NO FUCKING INTERNET.
Maybe I’m just angry and griping.
Maybe I just feel a need to kvetch here to
up my article count for the next issue.
Maybe I enjoy writing streams of con-
sciousness down into print. Or, maybe
I’m just too addicted to the glory of our
generation that is the Internet. Goddamit,
I need my fix. I’m like a crack junkie
waiting for my stash outside the Port
Authority. Give me my bandwidth back
and no one gets hurt. God fucking
dammit.
Alex Nagler, contrary to what you may
believe, can survive half an hour without
Internet. But that’s about it.
 Music + Voting = Uncredi-bull by
Bigger Voter Turnout? Facebook © – “Reduce
By Lena Tumasyan
___________
The day before election day, NYPIRG
hosted "Rock the Vote," an event that was
meant to inspire people and get them excited
about voting on Election Day; instead, it
ended up leaving the audience in a daze of
open-mic performances whose meaning and
attachment to voting was either missing or
vague.
"Rock the Vote" combined music, poetry,
step dancing, and the marching band into an
evening of self-expression, leaving it up to
the performers to decide if they wanted to
express a political agenda or just perform.
This left some confusion in the audience and
in the musicians as to what to expect or do.
The crowd, which filled only about half of
the ballroom, seemed to at least enjoy peo-
ple's efforts
on stage,
and at most
was sur-
prised by
some tal-
ents.
The New York
Public Interest Research
Group
(NYPRIG)
has many
branches and is
staffed by paid
employees, interns, and volunteers. Matthew
Abrahams is Stony Brook chapter's intern
and co-leader for the Voter Rights Project.
"Rock the Vote," which took place on
Monday, Nov. 6th (the day before Election
Day) in SAC Ballroom B, was the project's
main event. "We wanted a fun environment
to voice opinions and issues and to remind
people about voting," said Abrahams. "Three
interns, two project coordinators and myself
worked about three weeks to put this togeth-
er, from brainstorming to the list of perform-
ers." When asked about what the goal of the
night’s event was, and what NYPIRG was
hoping to achieve, Abrahams answered, "We
wanted a non-partisan reminder to vote. We
did not want this to be a commercial." He
also added, "I think tonight worked out well,
but there could have been more people [in the
audience]."
Such a non-partisan approach is per-
haps what left some audience members
the Drinking Age to 18!”
and musicians confused as to what kind of
messages performers were supposed to
express and what the audience should
expect. One undergraduate student, Diana
Quinteros, who watched the show begin-
ning to end, commented, "It was pretty
awesome to see talents, it gets me excited
about voting."
Others were not so thrilled. Seth Ritney
sung on stage while playing his guitar. "I
came out here tonight because it was a
chance to perform," Ritney said. "It does-
n't really encourage me or make me more
excited to go vote. It is important to vote,
but I just wanted to perform." He also
stressed the importance of performers
expressing
their political
v i e w s
through their
acts. Ritney
said, "Tonight
was a glori-
fied coff e e
house. I wanted more
commentary about
Republican and
Democratic platforms."
Finally, oth- Johnny Facebook Himself
Mr. Facebook goes to Washington
ers such as the
poet and hair-
By Kotei Aoki Access Hollywood also mentioned the
s a l o n - o n - c a m- ___________ Bimbo-Mimbo effect to address the nega-
pus owner tive effect of TV on young adults.
Mikaeil, While campuses were hot for the elec- Perhaps more simply for many young
were just adults, it could be that they want to
tion, I happened to run into Facebook’s
happy to election pulse. Its “Top Campaign Issues” remove the word “young” from their
see people coming together. "People need social classification. I also did not appreci-
was a list of the top 25 campaign issues
to be educated about the choices they that Facebook users support and/or want ate the prefix in “Pre-Calculus,” so I
make," Mikaeil said. "Coming out here decided to skip the course. In young peo-
the politicians to take care of. The top
today is a reminder that we still have the issue was, with no surprise, called ples’ minds, drinking alcohol implies
power and need to use it. If people put adulthood. So far there are no “logical rea-
“Reduce the Drinking Age to 18!” The fact
their minds together they can make a that I can state its predictability with such sons to reduce the drinking age” as men-
change." Mikaeil also commented that tioned on the group website.
an emphasis is the saddest part.
some of the groups could use a little "pol- Before continuing, I must explain that I Surprisingly, there are some reports to
ishing of their skills," but it was more recommend lowering the drinking age by
myself do not drink (nor smoke). Neither
important for "people to feel comfortable did I think about drinking at all. I am also some doctors. An interesting fact is that
and to express what they feel." the drinking age of United States is the
a kind of person who becomes paranoid
Whether or not "Rock the Vote" made about a sip of wine at the Mass. highest among developed countries.
people more excited about going out to
One assumption says that the Cynically put, the United States wants to
vote is still debatable. Either way, students Hollywood’s Bimbo-Mimbo effect con- be the world leader with respect to the
looked happy as they applauded and
tributes to underage drinking. Actors and legal drinking age (i.e. 21) and not to
cheered. As Ritney put it, "Go NYPIRG!” our other heroic figures have liquor in nuclear weapons. Dr. Ruth Clifford Eng of
their hands and pose cool. People wish to Indiana University proposes lowering the
For more info, go to become “Like [whomever]” and strive to drinking age to ease social issues, but not
http://www.nypirg.org/ or call (631) 632-
try what they see their heroes do. ET and Continued on page 26
6457.
www.thestonybrookpress.com 23
 It’s Called “Getting What You Deserve”
By Jessica Cordero
___________
Something unprecedented happened
a few weeks ago here on Long Island
that will change the way drunk driving
cases are handled. Martin Heidgen
was convicted of second-degree mur-
der for the deaths of two people he
killed while driving drunk the wrong
way on the Meadowbrook Parkway.
His blood alcohol level was just under
four times the legal limit, and,
although it took a few days of deliber-
ation, the jurors of the trial decided he
was, in fact, guilty of murdering a six-
y e a r-old girl and the driver of the lim-
ousine she was in with her family. T h e
fact that he was convicted of murder,
and not manslaughter, shows that a
growing number of Americans do not
believe that the consumption of alco-
hol is an excuse for deviant behavior,
and they refuse to treat it as such.
Drunk driving isn’t some hapless mis-
take, as so many who get brought into
court argue to judges every day in
courthouses in every city in the
United States. To drive while intoxi-
cated is, above all else, a choice.
The New York State (NYS) Penal
Law does not have any particular
24
grounds on which it defines or, more-
o v e r, discusses drunk driving explicit-
l y, but, in relation to this article, I
would like to include the following
two excerpts; the first is culpability,
or responsibility, for a crime:
S 15.00 Culpability; definitions of
terms.
The following definitions are applica-
ble to this chapter:
1. "Act" means a bodily movement.
2. "Voluntary act" means a bodily
movement performed consciously as
a result of effort or determination, and
includes the possession of property if
the actor was aware of his physical
possession or control thereof for a suf-
ficient period to have been able to ter-
minate it.
3. "Omission" means a failure to per-
form an act as to which a duty of per-
formance is imposed by law.
4. "Conduct" means an act or omission
and its accompanying mental state.
5. "To act" means either to perform an
act or to omit to perform an act.
6. "Culpable mental state" means
"intentionally" or "knowingly" or
"recklessly" or with "criminal negli-
gence, " as these terms are defined in
section 15.05.
S 15.05 Culpability; definitions of
www.thestonybrookpress.com
culpable mental states.
The following definitions are applica-
ble to this chapter:
1. "Intentionally." A person acts inten-
tionally with respect to a result or to
conduct described by a statute defin-
ing an offense when his conscious
objective is to cause such result or to
engage in such conduct.
2. "Knowingly." A person acts know-
ingly with respect to conduct or to a
circumstance described by a statute
defining an offense when he is aware
that his conduct is of such nature or
that such circumstance exists.
3. "Recklessly." A person acts reck-
lessly with respect to a result or to a
circumstance described by a statute
defining an offense when he is aware
of and consciously disregards a sub-
stantial and unjustifiable risk that
such result will occur or that such cir-
cumstance exists. The risk must be of
such nature and degree that disregard
thereof constitutes a gross deviation
from the standard of conduct that a
reasonable person would observe in
the situation. A person who creates
such a risk but is unaware thereof
solely by reason of voluntary intoxi-
cation also acts recklessly with
respect thereto.
4. "Criminal negligence." A p e r s o n
acts with criminal negligence with
respect to a result or to a circumstance
described by a statute defining an
o ffense when he fails to perceive a
substantial and unjustifiable risk that
such result will occur or that such cir-
cumstance exists. The risk must be of
such nature and degree that the failure
to perceive it constitutes a gross devi-
ation from the standard of care that a
reasonable person would observe in
the situation.
S 15.10 Requirements for criminal lia-
bility in general and for offenses of
strict liability and mental culpability.
The minimal requirement for crimi-
nal liability is the performance by a
person of conduct which includes a
voluntary act or the omission to per-
form an act which he is physically
capable of performing. If such con-
duct is all that is required for commis-
sion of a particular offense, or if an
o ffense or some material element
thereof does not require a culpable
mental state on the part of the actor,
such offense is one of "strict liability.
" If a culpable mental state on the part
of the actor is required with respect to
Continued on next page
 “Getting What You Deserve” (continued)
Continued from previous page
every material element of an off e n s e ,
such offense is one of "mental culpa-
b i l i t y. "
S 15.15 Construction of statutes with
respect to culpability requirements.
1. When the commission of an off e n s e
defined in this chapter, or some ele-
ment of an offense, requires a particu-
lar culpable mental state, such mental
state is ordinarily designated in the
statute defining the offense by use of
the terms "intentionally," "knowing-
l y," "recklessly" or "criminal negli-
gence," or by use of terms, such as
"with intent to defraud" and "knowing
it to be false," describing a specific
kind of intent or knowledge. W h e n
one and only one of such terms
appears in a statute defining an
o ffense, it is presumed to apply to
every element of the offense unless an
intent to limit its application clearly
appears.
S 15.25 Effect of intoxication upon
l i a b i l i t y.
Intoxication is not, as such, a
defense to a criminal charge; but in
any prosecution for an offense, evi-
dence of intoxication of the defendant
may be offered by the defendant
whenever it is relevant to negative an
element of the crime charg e d .
The Penal Law of NYS defines homi-
cide in the following manner:
125.00 Homicide defined.
Homicide means conduct which
causes the death of a person or an
unborn child with which a female has
been pregnant for more than twenty-
four weeks under circumstances con-
stituting murder, manslaughter in the
first degree, manslaughter in the sec-
ond degree, criminally negligent
homicide, abortion in the first degree
or self-abortion in the first degree.
S 125.05 Homicide, abortion and
related offenses; definitions of terms.
The following definitions are applica-
ble to this article:
1. "Person," when referring to the vic-
tim of a homicide, means a human
being who has been born and is alive.
S 125.10 Criminally negligent homi-
cide.
A person is guilty of criminally
negligent homicide when, with
Criminal negligence, he causes the
death of another person.
Criminally negligent homicide is a
class E felony.
S 125.25 Murder in the second degree.
A person is guilty of murder in the
second degree when:
1. With intent to cause the death of
another person, he causes the death of
such person or of a third person;
except that in any prosecution under
this subdivision, it is an aff i r m a t i v e
defense that:
2. Under circumstances evincing a
depraved indifference to human life,
he recklessly engages in conduct
which creates a
grave risk of death
to another person, When a person knowingly,
and thereby causes
but without caring, causes
the death of anoth-
er person; someone’s death, that person
4. Under circum- has commited murder. Drunk
stances evincing a
driving embodies the second
depraved indiff e r-
ence to human definition [of murder in the
life, and being second degree]
eighteen years old
or more the defendant recklessly
engages in conduct which creates a
grave risk of serious physical injury or
death to another person less than
eleven years old and thereby causes
the death of such person.
Murder in the second degree is a
class A-I felony.
This means, in layman’s terms, that
when a person knowingly, but without
caring, causes someone’s death, that
person has committed murder. Drunk
driving embodies this second defini-
tion.
N o w, there are going to be a great
many arguments that a person who is
drunk doesn’t intentionally get into
car accidents or try to cause harm in
that manner, that a person who is
drunk is not in his or her proper or
natural state of mind. My argument is
simple: if a person chooses to drink,
that person chooses to put himself or
herself in the state of mind where that
person can cause harm. That person
intentionally and recklessly engages
in this behavior, and the behavior is
criminally negligent. Alcoholism
aside, because that wasn’t the case
here, Martin Heidgen decided that day
that he was going to get so drunk he
c o u l d n ’t think straight, and then he
decided he was going to drive home.
His friends decided to let him do so.
If a person chooses to drink, to not
leave their keys with someone who
i s n ’t drunk, and then decides to get
into a car and drive, then he or she
becomes responsible for whatever
happens after he or she gets behind the
wheel. By not taking the inebriated
p e r s o n ’s keys, the other person should
be rendered partially responsible for
whatever happens. No one wants to do
that; no one wants to be a life-saving
friend to someone. People drink at
parties and laugh and say things like,
“Man, you are too drunk to drive,” but
very few people go so far as to take
s o m e o n e ’s keys
away until from
them until they
are fine, as it
i s n ’t “cool.” No
one wants to be
the “after- s c h o o l
special” friend
to someone who
might desperate-
ly need it. A n
aggressive D.A.
would have charged his friends as
accessories for not taking away his
keys, implicating them in the crime.
That is exactly what they were that
night.
Being drunk doesn’t excuse anyone
for anything that happens while he or
she is drunk. If someone dies because
you decided to drink, then it becomes
the burden you bear on your shoul-
ders. So many parts of society tell
people that it’s cool to drink, that we
should drink, that it seems as if it is
almost expected of us. Drinking to
excess doesn’t absolve someone of the
hurts that can occur while they are
drunk. Biochemical explanations
aside, psychology aside, media aside,
etc., choosing not to drive when you
want to drink is simple common sense.
“Dude, I was drunk,” just doesn’t cut
it in this society sick of attributing
stupidity to substances. If you drink
and drive and the police catch you,
your license should be taken away,
period. You knew when you were
sober that you shouldn’t have driven,
and being drunk and not realizing that
you were drunk is not an excuse. Yo u
knew better to begin with.
If you’re still skeptical, then picture
this scenario: you are driving home
from work one night; you’re tired and
just want to get home to eat and go to
bed. You’re at a red light, and, after it
turns green, you look both ways and
proceed through the intersection.
S u d d e n l y, you get T-boned by a car
that didn’t slow down at all because
the driver was too drunk to notice or
react in time to the red light. Your car
is destroyed, and you are either badly
injured or dead. You — yes, you —
the student who hadn’t been drinking,
who had just wanted to get home to
mom or dad; the person who had been
obeying the traffic laws, and who had
done everything right. The person who
hit you was too drunk to feel it, too
drunk to even really know what was
happening. When that person sobers
up, that’s when he or she will feel
repentant. When that person was
drinking his or her third Jagerbomb at
Bamboo Bernie’s, he or she couldn’t
have cared less how he or she was get-
ting home or what would happen on
the way. That person had been sur-
rounded by friends who told him or
h e r, “Man you are too drunk for driv-
ing,” but who never tried to get the
keys away from that person. T h e
drunk driver wanted that driving priv-
ilege; no one was taking that away
from him or her. That person wasn’t
leaving his or her car there, no way,
and cabs are too expensive here on
Long Island.
How do you feel about that person
just getting manslaughter when you
died because of his or her choices,
that that person walked away from the
accident, and you didn’t? How do
your parents feel about the driver only
getting twelve years when you can’t
live twelve more years at all? How is
anything less than a murder charg e
justice? This is all the victims were
doing the night Martin Heidgen drove:
they were coming home from a wed-
ding.
It is a choice, just like everything
else in life. It is a choice to drink, to
g et i nt o th at st ate o f m ind ; t he
events that occur thereafter become
consequences. No one puts a gun to
a p erson ’s h ead an d says, “Ta k e
another shot, and get behind the
wheel of a 2000 pound weapon.”
Even if you only have one drink,
you choose to get into a car and
drive. You want that responsibility,
so you have to take all of it. A l l
ac tio n s h av e con seq ue nce s; yo u
h av e t o t ak e th em. It ’s t ime
Americans start learning that, even
if it has to be the hard way.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 25
 Uncredi-bull (continued)
Continued from page 23
necessarily to solve drinking problems
among young adults. He believes that the
efforts to prohibit illegal drinking actually
created serious social problems. Dr. Eng
also reminds readers that underage drink-
ing had been dropping even before the
legal drinking age was set. In reality, the
legal drinking age fails to be enforced and
drives young adults to “gulp alcohol in
large quantities…when they could obtain
it.” As a result, they fall into abusive drink-
ing. Moreover, he states that setting the
legal drinking age makes alcohol seem a
symbol of adulthood, giving alcohol a sim-
ilar spell as Hollywood’s Bimbo-Mimbo
effect. With this mentality, alcohol entices
youth as Eve’s forbidden fruit coaxed
Adam. His proposal aims to ease the
“rebellion against the authority” among
young adults. However, to solve their abu-
sive drinking habits, Dr. Eng stresses the
Elvis Sighting at Stony Brook!
By Jon Plaisted
___________
Around the campus it is strangely com-
mon to encounter beings like Elvis.
Vagabonds who, drunk, often haunt the
buildings and grounds, sleeping behind
bushes. Or who sleep passed out in front of
the Student Union, waiting for the
University Police or oblivion to take them
away.
Whichever comes first.
Elvis, fat and gold-plated, diamonds in
his belt and on his fingers, appeared sud-
denly, asking which streets he should take
to get back to his penthouse in Las Vegas.
Poor guy, he didn’t know the show was
over. This is the End, My Only Friend, The
End, Jim Morrison once said. Elvis
approached a student and said, “I’ve been
so lonely, I’ve been so lonely I could die.”
But she continued her walk along the zebra
path without responding...
Then Elvis spotted a University Police
Officer. He shouted, “Oh, let me be (Oh, let
me be) your teddy bear.” The policeman
did not appear moved or amused. So poor
EP was thrown in the campus clink and
stripped of the diamonds which adorned
his clothing and fingers (taken to cover his
fine), and was then thrown back on the
street with a few bucks in change.
Though already fortyish, Elvis wasn’t
embarrassed about looking for work. And
he tried to find it, but why deny it? Work
26
need for parents to become more responsi-
ble and to teach that drinking is not an
“evidence of maturity.” There is always a
need for parental intervention because
abusive drinking cannot be demolished
otherwise, Eng contends.
So you see, it is not that the politicians
refuse to lower the legal drinking age to
below 20. The problem is that young
adults are not “the master of [their]
domain,” so the politicians need to set the
drinking age with respect to age of major-
ity. A recent Scientists article reported that
the cognitive development of an individual
continues until he/she is nearly 26 years of
age. Consequently, young adults are still
too immature to make adequately
informed judgments. As matter of fact,
some amount of alcohol is healthy. My
friend in Sam Houston State University
told me a more explicit upper- b o u n d
amount: 8 ounce (i.e. of wine’s alcohol
was hard to come by on the north shore.
There were few places that still used live
music, and one of them, Tut’s, had just that
day hired a female rock singer, “and this
chick is heavy dude. Sorry.” In fact, none
of the clubs were interested. They all said
to EP, “You look too much like the King.”
His attempts at explaining were useless.
He thought of singing on the LIRR but
was silenced on the first train he tried it on.
The passengers preferred their own cell
phones or iPods over fat guys with side-
burns singing rock-and-roll. What did they
know? Furthermore, his bad luck led him
to take the Jamaica-Brooklyn route, where
the riding public tends to be more hard-
assed than is customary. Maybe on other
routes. Who knows?
Due to so much disillusionment, Elvis
slipped back onto Stony Brook’s campus
where the trees and flowers had grown
more abundant since he had last passed
through. He stopped combing his hair and
lost weight to a grotesque degree, while his
clothes turned to rags. And it was in this
state that—someone said that he had no
other choice— he began to panhandle the
students as they walked around Roth Pond
to get to their classes. That didn’t work out
either.
You and I know the King was born to
sing.
Nothing more.
Elvis had already given up on explana-
tions; he was too lonely for that. One day
www.thestonybrookpress.com
level) per day. The alcohol can ease the
tension of veins and promote the smooth
flow of blood. But alcohol acts against
your body when an excessive amount is
consumed. Our bodies can process only a
limited amount of alcohol a day. The
excess left to be processed harms our bod-
ies internally. You could say, “Who cares?
It’s my body. I can do whatever I want to
do with it.” The authorities (the adults, i.e.
politicians) do not care if you die of exces-
sive alcohol intake. They do not give a
damn about your lives as bums. They
might even think those useless brats
should rather die than stay alive to bring
chaos in society. But this is the thing: the
adults, the authorities, need hopeful suc-
cessors who preserve the societies they set
up for new generations. Perhaps the soci-
eties are not perfect, but the successions
have been our legacy. Hoping to prolong
the legacy, the adults take precautions and
Bruce Campbell was more convincing
Elvis walked into the filth which is Roth
Pond and remained there for hours, baptiz-
ing himself, it seemed. When he got out,
his appearance was still disagreeable, but
his smell was like that of a fishing port,
sweet to this writer, but unpleasant to most
of the students passing by. A solitary stu-
dent was spending her time on a park
bench, contemplating Elvis with neither
sadness nor joy. They were the only two
people at the pond now. The sun moved a
few fractions of an inch closer. Her name
was Ann.
She’d had a cat in high school, her only
companion, but now she’s alone again. She
has a dorm roomy, but they don’t speak to
each other. She has the room to herself
may become overly protective. I mean,
having the laboratory experiments show
that an appropriate amount of alcohol con-
sumption is healthy, how can the adults
enforce the legal drinking age now?
The authorities seem to try controlling
our choices, like SUNY tries to ban smok-
ing on campus. But their society will,
sooner or later, be in our hands. So long as
they cannot enforce the drinking age any
longer, lowering the drinking age is unnec-
essary. But I guess I should at least be
grateful that Facebook users do not sup-
port the drinking age of 12, let’s say It
would drive devastating mental disabilities
among youths. If the supporters of lower-
ing drinking age still want to drink before
21, they should just move out of United
States to somewhere else. After all the
majority of the countries from which
immigrants come have the drinking age of
below 20.
Rhubarb Stevens
every weekend, and never leaves. She
speaks to no one in class.
Nobody greets her.
Nobody says, “Who you got for Psych?”
or even just “What’s up?”
Rock-and-roll never got to her. Nobody
invites her for a coffee at the SAC, or a
drink at night, nor takes her to dance, not to
have dinner, nor see a movie. Her life has
come to be one, two, three...she awakens,
takes a shower, gets dressed... She hasn’t
understood that variations exist: one, three,
two, two, three, one...
Ann is eighteen years old, and little by
little the winds are already carrying her
Continued on next page
 Elvis Sighting at Stony Brook! (continued)
Continued from previous page
away. She is the only one in the dorm who
watches soap operas and finds consolation
when one of the protagonists is named Ann
and lives in happiness with her boyfriend.
It was the other students’ indifference that
made her stop caring about them. Nobody
was saying, “How ya doin?” to her, so she
decided that she, too, would say it to no
one. And that was fine.
Due to the circumstances (Ann always
ill-humored), her roommate opted for
another dorm-mate and left Ann alone
again and happy as a street cat. Amen. To
scorn people also is good once in a while.
She discovered that many of the students
who wander by are actually a lot like her.
She grows accustomed to watching them.
All with their own style and at the same
time identical.
Like Ann.
Amazing.
It is on one of these days that she sees
the King for the first time. One could
watch lots of guys like Elvis passing along
Roth Pond, maybe talking to themselves
about a possible date or homework, or
shouting out that they were the King, each
one a distinct king. Strangely she seemed
to understand him as he began bathing
himself in the black water. He reached his
hand out naturally to Ann, and filled with
emotion, the King told her about Buddy
Holly, Priscilla, and the natural rhythm that
just might exist in all human hips (he did-
n’t say pelvis). He told her about drug
addiction, about how to win at Blackjack in
certain casinos in Vegas, and about making
movies.
She told him about her classes, her old
cat at home, about her grades and how she
has a dorm room to herself. Then she also
gave him an intensive course in shorthand,
using some dirt as a blackboard. They fell
immediately in love. That Elvis had been
divorced was a fact that did not interest her.
Together they began a journey through the
campus and over to Kelly Quad. A storm
had left the sidewalks soaked and bitten
like a big fried banana and peanut butter
sandwich, and the Quad in pieces, instant-
ly decayed as though a victim of time and
not of the heavy rains and high winds.
The sun had gone down and helicopters
were hovering around the campus–every-
where. Elvis and Ann looked up and won-
dered what all the fuss was about. All the
stop lights were down. The quads had no
corners. Reporters and television crews
arrived as University Police and Suffolk
County authorities were shouting for the
two to halt. Elvis felt on stage again!
Soon . . . the officers just began shoot-
ing. Elvis and Ann went on walking. She
experienced rock-and-roll for the first time.
He sang his greatest hits beneath the
intense light of the choppers. There was in
all of it, something much better than Las
Vegas. The fools never understood that nei-
ther they nor their guns existed for Elvis
and his friend. You see, these two had dis-
appeared a long time ago.

Beneath the Return of the Revenge of the Son of the Spawn of the
Shadow of Just Shut Up Part 2 Again—The Sequel: Director’s Cut:
Unrated Special Widescreen Collector’s Edition—In 3D
By Joey Safdia and Irv Novoa
___________
Many years ago, there was a great doc-
ument. This document was a shining bea-
con of shining beacons. “Shut Up, Just
Shut Up”, as many called it, including the
divine and majestic, not to mention god-
like, author, told of the dying breed of
intelligent humans due to a new species of
not-so-intelligent humans, consisting
mainly of people who you see every day
around you. This document of liberty and
intellectual superiority sent an important
message to those who sought to spread the
disease of their stupidity throughout the
world. That message was to shut up, to just
shut up. But the great and world-shatter-
ing document was flawed in one respect: it
was incomplete. That dirty liberal newspa-
per, The Stony Brook Press, could not con-
tain its greatness in one issue as there were
too many people the document and its
author needed to tell to shut up. That flaw,
however, will be rectified here and now,
and the great document, “Shut Up, Just
Shut Up”, will achieve the highest form of
perfection in all the known universe.
More people will be told to shut up and
stop spreading the stupidity of their stupid-
ity, and the amount of authors has doubled.
Yes, doubled, I say! Doubled to two per-
fect, all-knowing, godlike authors, and
therefore the amount of shutting up in the
land will also double by a thousand-hun-
dred percent. Should you or any of you
loved ones dispute any of the claims in this
sacred document, which has governed our
lands for more than a thousand years, the
omnipotent writers of said document
would like to kindly inform you that you
are a stupid motherfucker and you should
just shut up. Now here is a list of people
who should, once again, just shut up.
People without cell phone etiquette.
Okay, when you're in a public place where
listening is key, say a class room for exam-
ple, you turn off the cell phone or you
make it quiet. It's that simple. If in the mid-
dle of a class, when I'm supposed to hear
the professor, I hear some song that clear-
ly was never meant to be heard from a cell
phone speaker, I can't help being over-
whelmed with feelings of homicidal ten-
dencies coming on. It’s kind of startling
when you hear a sound clip from today’s
latest overplayed song – which is typically
way over-amped on the highly inadequate
speaker – and you can't understand the
words, but the crackling, popping, static-
filled noise emanating from your pocket
resonates off the walls anyway, douche
bag. And of course it takes you fifteen sec-
onds to turn the damn thing off as you
scramble to wrap your mongoloid fists
around this blaring piece of machinery.
Congratulations, you're a moron. The cell
phone isn't a new invention. It should be
ingrained in society by now that you need
to turn down your ridiculous cell phone
ringer. Oh, and heaven forbid my class
time gets in the way of your important
conversation if you're dumb enough to
answer your phone in the middle of a
class. No, there are no excuses. You leave
if it's important, dumbass. Your freedom to
answer your overpriced speaking-tube
shouldn't encroach upon my right to learn
in peace. On top of that, you don't need to
scream into the phone. The way it works is
there is a little speaker that picks up sound
and if the sound is too high, it becomes
distorted on the other side. Maybe if you
rub the last two brain cells in your irradiat-
ed head together, you would speak clearly
instead of louder and louder. If you've got
a bad signal, yelling isn't going to help
because it just sounds like you swallowed
the cell phone before using it. Hey, I
wouldn't put it past some.... Oh, and what
really pisses me off are those damn blink-
ing cell phone antennas. So, not only are
you loud and obnoxious, you're blinking at
me, too! Oops, did I smash your new cell
through your face? Sorry, that was the
result of an epileptic seizure from your
damn blinking antenna. Now, go fuck
yourself.
Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.
Oh, and for those of you who are intent
on using your Nextel’s walkie-talkie fea-
ture instead of the regular phone, you
should talk on your cell phone while driv-
ing. Driving into North Korea, that is. You
fucking fuck-for-fucks, the last thing any-
one wants to hear is: BEEP-EEP!
“YoooooOO!” Congratulations, you’ve
suddenly decided to get in touch with your
ghetto side, yo. It’s fucking annoying,
especially if you have a friend with you
who is actually trying, for some reason, to
have a conversation with you (naively
assuming your primitive Neanderthal
brain is capable of thought). The last thing
he needs is to be constantly interrupted
with BEEP-EEP! “You’re a faggot!” If
physics allowed me to, I would reach
through the phone and stab the next person
who talks through one of these devices
because people who talk through them
almost seem to be trying to sound as
retarded as possible (comparable to 15
year olds imitating their favorite rapper).
I’ve got a fucking idea! Use a cell phone
the way cell phones were meant to be
used. Dial (or save) your friend’s number
and then talk to them normally. I swear, the
next person I hear say, “Yo, whattup yo”
into one of those things (all of which have
the most annoying beeping sound ever), I
will reach into their skull, find their brain
stem (I will be working under the assump-
tion that there is no brain connected to said
stem), and choke them to death with it.
That goes double for anyone I am actually
trying to have a conversation with.
BEEP-EEP! “Shut up. Just shut up.”
Perpetuators of the ghetto black stereo-
type. They have spread into other cultures
and that certainly isn’t helped by the
media. You go anywhere these days, and
you see white guys trying to act black.
These people are called “wiggers.”
Continued on next page

www.thestonybrookpress.com 27
 Just Shut Up Part 2 (continued)
Continued from previous page
Whenever I see someone of light skin
obviously trying to be someone they’re
not, it hurts me deep inside; the kind of
pain like someone stabbing your appendix
with a rusty garden hose. Sorry, whitey,
you suffer from a melanin deficiency. Deal
with it. The pants hanging off your ass and
the ghetto-speak you throw around just
don’t work. Why the hell would you want
to be black anyway? Whitey already owns
everything! Stop lying, you high-classed,
upper crust spoiled little shit. You weren’t
raised in the slums. Did you wake up each
day to gun shots and sirens? Did you walk
through the park only to find needles
where the kids play? Ever see a drug deal
gone bad? Ever seen a drug addict or deal-
er… ever? No? So stop your whining, you
fucking useless piece of wigger trash.
People always seem to want what they
can’t have. Maybe when you have every-
thing you could want, you look down. Oh,
they look happy despite their situation. Let
me copy those guys. Sorry, fella, but it just
doesn’t work. If you walked into a black
neighborhood, I could see you on a map.
You stand out, and you look ridiculous.
You’re also keeping the ghetto stereotype
alive even in places it definitely doesn’t
belong. You also see the ghetto-speak
spewing out of television. Those “I’m
lovin’ it” or “Where you at?” commercials
make me so damned mad. You realize that
some corporate douche bag committee had
to sit around some huge table and ask how
they could target the black community and
came up with that garbage. You would
think people would have enough individu-
ality to resist the onslaught of corporate
ads that keep the stereotypes going, but I
guess that would be asking for too much.
Shut up. Just shut up.
The next person who tells me that,
because of abortion, we now have “dispos-
able babies” in America will be aborted.
This is not a fucking Kleenex product
(now available in rolls of 24 and 36 dead
babies). Also, the next person who com-
pares abortion to the Holocaust or terror-
ism should be castrated so they never have
the option to deny themselves or their
spouse, depending on their sex, a chance to
abort the little retard that would otherwise
have the possibility to stain this world with
its existence. “Millions of unborn babies
will be put to death!” This is something
I’ve heard on message forums and letters
to editors in newspapers in conservative
states. The problem is that “killing” a fetus
28
after conception isn’t murder. Just because
they have their own unique DNA separate
from the parent doesn’t mean shit. A dead-
ly virus also has its own DNA, but if a doc-
tor were to rid someone’s body of a virus,
Fuck thats a lot of text
that wouldn’t be considered murder, now
would it? I am pro-choice and support a
woman’s right to an abortion. Why the
fuck would I support a woman who gets an
abortion if abortion was murder? Do you
even think before you speak, you failed
abortion? People who think the govern-
ment should stay out of a woman’s busi-
ness aren’t “pro-death”, they are “pro-
shutting-the-fuck-up”, which is what you
should do. Shut the fuck up. I’m sure most
of you cheer when innocent people die in
the Middle East anyway, so you have
failed to convince me of your alleged
moral superiority. So there! HA! YOU
LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!!!! Seriously,
though, those of you who don’t approve of
www.thestonybrookpress.com
abortion, that’s OK. People have different
moral standards. But that’s your beliefs.
There are too many people that think that
their beliefs are the only beliefs worth a
damn, which is ironic because the people
Joe and Irv
who think that usually preach the most
extremist viewpoints imaginable. Don’t
try to tell other people what to do, because
no one cares what you think, you pseudo-
human glob of speech-capable organic
goo. No one gives a shit that you think
abortion is murder, because your “science”
makes no sense (by the way, THE BIBLE
IS NOT A SCIENTIFIC TEXT!!!!!!!!!!).
Don’t like abortions? Don’t get one. But
don’t try to press your viewpoints onto
others. And don’t fucking go around label-
ing other people as “baby killers”, “abor-
tion supporters” , and pro-death while
bitching when we point out that you are a
crazy religious wingnut who knows less
about biology than a six year old, and who
is also “pro-death” insofar as you support
war and the death penalty. To be anti-abor-
tion is fine, but if you support war and still
call yourself pro-life, then you don’t
deserve your First Amendment rights. I
just love how some people will argue that
an “unborn child”, even before developing
the central nervous system that makes it
human like you and me (well just me),
should have greater protection under the
law and more rights than a child who is
actually born, whom the same “pro-lifers”
seem to have no problem ignoring and dis-
regarding. Even someone between the
ages of 18-21 doesn’t have the full spec-
trum of rights afforded to “regular” peo-
ple, meaning that apparently a clump of
cells lacking consciousness is more of a
person than a 19 year old. Awesome, you
fuckers. By the way, if anyone ever asks
me, “But how would you like it if your
parents aborted YOU”, I swear I will eat
your children. How’s that for an abortion,
bitch?
“Look! It’s a human, even after a few
weeks! I can see fingers!” Great, now
watch me stab it. It’s not murder yet. Now
shut up. Just shut up.
Bible thumpers. You have failed at life.
Now we have nothing against people of
any faith (except Scientologists, but
they’re not people anyway). Christians,
Jews, Muslims, and all the rest. Some peo-
ple believe in one faith, some in another,
some don’t believe in any religion at all.
That’s cool. But people who try to press
their religion onto others as if they are
right and the other person is wrong really
need to get over themselves. It’s not
acceptable for any person of any religion
to do this, but it seems that the one reli-
gious group who seems more devoted to
telling others that their faith is wrong is the
Catholics. Only the Bible thumping
Catholics will take it upon themselves to
convince you that you are condemned to
an afterlife of being burned alive constant-
ly while being tortured and raped by twist-
ed demons and other creatures created by
the makers of Doom 3, the Silent Hill fran-
chise, and Jim Henson’s Muppets and
Muppet Babies (seriously, if Hell is real in
the way these people tell us it’s real, there
is no way that Nanny or whatever that
creepy woman from Muppet Babies isn’t
there). Walk through the fucking Union.
The Asian lady with the Bible will always
harass you to join her Bible studies pro-
gram even if you are clearly wearing
Pagan and Wiccan pendants. The Jews and
Continued on pageth the next
 Just Shut Up Part 2 (continued)
Continued from pageth the previous
the Muslims (the latter of whom most illit-
erate Americans believe are trying to
“Islamicize” the world) never do this.
They just set up booths and wait for people
to come to them. But the Bible thumpers,
however, will harass you until you are con-
vinced you will spend eternity in the fire
that burns but doesn’t consume (one Stony
Brook Bible thumper actually said that one
of the authors of this article will burn in
Hell for being an atheist 10 minutes before
stating that religion wasn’t about morality
but about blind faith in the Christian God).
Who the fuck are these people to say that
we are going to burn in Hell? That’s not
information, that’s more of a threat.
Besides, you aren’t fuckin’ God. Speaking
of which, what happened to that kind, mer-
ciful God they are always going on about?
A God that would put a Hindu, atheist, or
Muslim in Hell simply because they don’t
believe he exists is a childish God not
worth worshipping. Is he an almighty deity
that created life and the universe as we
know it, or is he a six year old with a mag-
nifying glass burning ants? Hell wasn’t
even originally part of the Christian reli-
gion (or the Jewish religion, which is
where most of Christianity was derived
from), so unless it was created in the last
couple hundred years by God’s angelic
contractors and construction companies,
no one is going to Hell for not believing in
someone who doesn’t even make his pres-
ence known to the people. Once again, it’s
not Christians or Catholics that we hate.
It’s Bible thumpers. Anti-everything Bible
thumpers who believe that it is their job to
make sure that their beliefs are the only
beliefs. Next time you want to harass
someone on their way to class until they
accept Jesus into their heart (obviously by
eating his “body” and drinking his
“blood”), take that Holy Book of yours
and beat yourself in the face with it until
you can see the Holy Spirit. Fucking can-
nibals.
Safdia 5:27 and Novoa 2:34 both con-
tain the same decree from thy Lord: “Shut
up. Just shut up.”
People who sit there and talk about how
the Democrats will weaken America, or
hand over America to the terrorists, or “cut
and run” from Iraq. Shut up. Look, I’m not
trying to imply that the Democrats are
worth their weight in dog shit or anything,
but the people who talk about this aren’t
simply stating their belief that the
Democrats endorse foreign policies that
are flawed. They are trying to imply that
all those “dirty, anti-American liberals”
(by the way, if you ever seriously use that
phrase in anything other than jest, you
should stop and consider whether or not it
is a good idea to exercise your freedom of
speech) are in league with Osama Bin
Laden and are trying to let the terrorists
kill us all, while only the Republicans can
save us from the evil Islamofascists or
Islamic Jihadists (when simply saying
“terrorists” fails to incite fear into the
hearts of the American people) with the
PATRIOT Act and secret CIA prisons that
torture detainees whose involvement in
terrorist activity is yet to be proven.
Newsflash, fucktard: Both the Democrats
and the Republicans are worthless piles of
horseshit that will destroy America with
their own extremist views long before any
group of “Islamofascists” can destroy it
with suicide bombs. And both parties will
lie and say the other party will either sur-
render to the terrorists or kill more inno-
cent civilians for their own goals, depend-
ing on whose propaganda you listen to. If
you are interested in protecting us from
terrorists and others who wish to destroy
our way of life while ensuring that the civil
liberties given to us by the founding
fathers remain intact, either make an
informed vote rather than voting along
party lines (which would usually entail
voting for an independent or third party
candidate) or don’t fucking vote.
Seriously, if you’re too stupid to see past
the television campaign ad that says, “This
senator voted 3 times AGAINST the
PATRIOT Act. He wants to hand America
over to the terrorists” and that shows the
“vivid” images of terrorists on monkey
bars in the background, then maybe you
shouldn’t vote. Maybe you should stay
inside your house and shut the fuck up.
Shut up. Just shut up.
Bloggers.
Shut up. Just shut up.
No seriously. Bloggers. Shut up. What
the fuck is a “blog” anyway? That sounds
fucking disgusting! It’s not a Swedish
sausage; it’s a journal or “weblog”. Say
the word “blog” slowly. You feel that
acidy feeling coming up? Yeah… so do I.
Anyway, I can see the relevance of a blog
(ugh) in the case of software development
teams. For example, when Microsoft
finally said they were updating Internet
Explorer, they set up a blog so the team
could post any new changes on the soft-
ware. Great idea! People can see the
changes while it’s still being tested, and
can post feedback to make the program
better for everyone. Now, when it comes
to personal blogs, I ask “why?” Now, if
it’s private between friends, that’s fine,
but some people post all kinds of infor-
mation about themselves for everyone to
see and wonder why they have stalkers or
why the government is using all the info
from their MySpace page to create pro-
files on possible terrorists. Duh, dummy!
It’s an open webpage. Want something
private? Well, what the hell happened to
good old ink and paper journals? Did I
just come out of some coma only to dis-
cover trees have gone extinct? But, no,
you whine about how life sucks and about
how your girlfriend left you for a prettier
man, and I somehow stumble on this crap.
If you can’t pry yourself from your damn
keyboard, make your blog private, you
fucking idiot! Honestly, no one cares
about the daily happenings of Joe Shmoe,
and if you do... kill yourself. Then some
bloggers have these heated debates over
something completely meaningless.
Friends go against each other because
they can't handle that deep emotional
connection a computer and an ethernet
cable brings you. Meanwhile, all I can
wonder is why? Don’t you people have
anything better to do? Go outside and
have an actual conversation. Maybe you
can actually see some sunlight. Worse
than these emo (they don’t deserve a cap-
ital “E”) freaks are political bloggers.
Regular people who actually think they
know something about the world going
on around them. Of the political bloggers,
you usually get two types; the conspiracy
theorists and the America-worshipping
ones. I have more experience with the lat-
ter, and I swear, if I wasn’t reading this
stuff on my computer monitor I would
swear that these sites, including blogs
like right-mind.us, were complete joke
sites. I’m still half convinced that these
blogs aren’t made by people, but by ran-
dom word generators. For example, on
the site that I mentioned, which I origi-
nally joined for the sake of stirring up the
pot, I have almost never in my life seen
such a group of rabid anti-liberal homo-
phobic Islam-haters in all my life. I was
actually shocked when they sided with
me when I pointed out the stupidity and
unconstitutionality of the proposed Flag
Burning Amendment, but that’s about it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for aver-
age citizens taking matters into their own
hands in order to spread important nation-
al and international news to other people,
especially in this age of corrupt conglom-
erate media. But these bloggers are so
fucking biased, not to mention more
retarded than the entire cast of 3rd Rock
from the Sun put together. I swear, I actu-
ally saw a thread about a pregnant woman
who was stabbed in the stomach by an
intruder in her own home, killing the
baby. The fucking blogger, in order to
perpetuate his belief that abortions were
the evil to end all evils, asked, “How is it
a choice in one situation and murder in
another?” Um, how can someone this
reality-shatteringly stupid be able to even
comprehend the programming necessary
to even start a website? It’s the same
thing on the other side of the spectrum.
Guess what? Watching Fahrenheit-9/11
does not make you an expert in conspira-
cy theories, nor is it proof or even evi-
dence that Bush ordered the destruction
of the Twin Towers, punching bag. You
are way too gullible for your own good
(that’s at least what the CIA agent who’s
been following you around has been
telling me. HA! I bet you believed me
when I told you there was a CIA agent
following you around). Note to bloggers.
Your ability to create a gaudy-looking
website does not make you more intelli-
gent than me. As a matter of fact, I have
about a thousand pieces of evidence to
prove that you are less intelligent than
me, or a rock, the greatest piece of evi-
dence being my royal decree (HA! I bet
you believed I was part of the American
royal family. There is no royal American
family, nut sack! Stop being so fucking
gullible). So now just stop “blogging”
and keep your worthless opinions to
yourself. If you’ll excuse me, I have to
take a blog. Oh shit, I blogged all over the
floor.
Shut up. Just shut up: Added 10/19/06
1:05 AM (3 new comments).
Well unfortunately that’s all there is for
today. The Stony Brook Press demands
that this be printed in two parts, due to
“problems” such as length. Oh, boo hoo,
Press! Boo-fucking-hoo! What a bunch of
whiny, pro-terrorist hippies! Fine, we’ll
play along… this time. But we’ll be back!
Next issue! Yes, tune in next issue for the
exciting conclusion, or if you cannot wait
that long (we know you can’t wait long
enough to continue reading the pure awe-
someness that is this article), log onto
www.thestonybrookpress.com to read the
article in full. Don’t miss it! Or else, we’ll
kill you!
TO BE CONTINUED…

www.thestonybrookpress.com 29

By Mike Tiongson
kay, maybe not. Sorry to mislead
O you, but the girl we will be talking
about today is Adora Svitak, a nine-
year old literary prodigy, not the popular
cartoon character Dora the Explorer from
Nickelodeon. This girl of Chinese heritage
is an eloquent public speaker, and the
author of over four hundred stories and
multiple children’s books. The most domi-
nant and recurring theme in her books is
that literature is a beautiful gift and that
“books can take you to far away places.”
She uses her love for fantasy and fiction to
entice and inspire other young children to
become avid readers and writers. In her lec-
ture she tries to break the mentality that
books are baneful and emphasizes that
reading books can be a joyful and fruitful
hobby.
Adora Svitak currently lives in
Washington State, is nine years old, is the
younger of two daughters, and is the child
of parents who had lived in China and then
immigrated to the United States in their
later years. A seemingly normal Asian
American girl, right? Yes, but not when you
Learning Universal Love
By Yina Chun
n November 2, American Buddhist
O monk Venerable Bhikkhu Bodhi
visited Stony Brook University’s
Wang Center. His presentation was part of a
series of learning the teachings of
Buddhism sponsored by the SB Buddhist
Study and Practice Group (SBBS&PG).
The topic was on inner and outer peace
through universal love.
Venerable Bhikkhu Bodhi was raised
in a Jewish middle class family and grew up
in Brooklyn. He went to school for philoso-
phy, getting his Ph.D. in the
field. It was during his junior
year of college that he became
interested in and began invest-
ing his time in Buddhism.
In a soft voice and with
humble manners, Ven.
Bhikkhu Bodhi began his
teaching by addressing the
wars and violence around the world. He
believes violence comes from within a per-
son, therefore the solution comes from the
transformation of the mind. He spoke to his
audience in the first person and said if one
wanted to find peace in the world, one had
to find peace and love within oneself. Love
spoken by Buddhism is not the love we all
know. This love is not clouded with lust but
comes from a place where kindness ampli-
fies to its maxima that enables one to love
another person. To have no hate, distraught
thoughts, or adversary cloud over one’s
mind, that is the supreme ethical value of
Buddhism.
In order to reach this state of inner and
outer peace there are meditations. The one
given by Ven. Bhikkhu Bodhi is called The
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 3 No 6 November 2006
30
Adora the Explorer
give her a pencil and paper. As she demon- admitted, was brabdig… wow, even I can’t normal kid just like everyone else, and not
strated in her lecture, Adora can create a spell it, but I know it means “big.” some sort of book-making machine. She
new world from nothing but scratch. A Adora’s main goal of her lecture was plays outside the house, fights with her sis-
blank piece of paper quickly becomes filled
with places from far
away and long ago
to encourage children to read and write-- as
a hobby. She wants other children to
view reading and writing as some-
ter, and watches television, just like any
other kid. Okay, I lied a little there— she
only watches shows depicting current
and characters with thing fun and enjoyable, not work events, like “60 Minutes.”
personalities that that is forced upon them by teachers Towards the end of the presentation,
show a multitude of and parents. She played word games Adora’s mother helped to conclude the lec-
dimensions. with the audience and showed them ture by saying that getting a child to enjoy
The plots in her that even learning vocabulary could reading and writing job is as much a par-
stories are well be fun. She also made ent’s job as it is the child’s. Ever since
thought out, wrought up a story on the spot, Adora was little, her mother and father
with conflict, and using suggestions from would read her books whenever possible.
sometimes reflect audience participation Many of these books were not “children’s
problems or issues and surroundings famil- books,” but books her parents also liked and
affecting our society iar to everyone, such as were interested in. It is important that the
today. She is currently the Wang Center. parent shows that reading is an enjoyable
writing a political satire on George Adora also experience, not something that will put the
W. Bush and his policies. Not only described to her audi- reader to sleep. Even television time is
is Adora creative, but she has the ence that books can turned into family time and a learning expe-
some of the best tools to bring her take you to far away rience. Adora and her sister often watched
ideas out on paper. Being an avid places in the real world current events shows with their parents,
reader of books “well-beyond her as well. As a result of while having discussions with her parents
recommended grade level,” Adora has built her literary accomplishments she was able regarding the show at the same time.
up an extensive vocabulary which she to tour various places in Europe. At some Accoring to Adora’s mother, a child’s learn-
makes use of in her stories and her public point during the presentation, Adora had to ing experience should not be restricted, but
lecutres. One of her favorite words, she reveal to the audience that she was also a allowed to flourish freely.
Meditation of Loving Kindness. The prac-
tice requires routine work of wishing a des-
ignated person well, happiness, good bodi-
ly health, a peaceful mind, and all good pur-
poses be fulfilled. To start with, the medita-
tor can start with using him/herself as the
object of the meditation. Then progress to
someone close to the meditator, then some- ASIAN NIGHT 2006 PHOTOS!
one with a neutral relationship, then eventu-
ally to someone who is hostile, then to all
human beings. These stages of advance-
ment towards metta, or universal love, are
gradual and lead the person to believing
what they are meditating and not just mere-
ly repeating the phrases.
Ven. Bhikkhu Bodhi also
gave advice to students who
are learning Buddhism to
focus on improvements in
themselves, not to undertake More pictures from Asian Night and other events at aa2sbu.org/aaezine.
other’s problems. It is best to
channel all energy forth one-
self because there’s too much
out there in the world to broadcast energy
into. Anyone can follow the teachings of
Buddhism, there’s no requirement for one
to join into a religion and not believe in
anything else. And therefore there is no
guilt attachment for using the meditations.
The Venerable Bhikkhu Bodhi’s visit
to Stony Brook University is just one of the
many hosted by the SB BS&PG. Their aim
is to make presumed differences smaller
and teach greater education about the Asian
community and culture. You can read all
about what they are doing at
h t t p : / / w w w. s i n c . s u n y s b . e d u / C l u b s / b u d-
dhism/. Many more events will be hosted
during the year - check the AA E-Zine cal-
endar at http://aasquared.org/calendar/cal-
endar.pl
Wanted! Writers, photographers, and Weekly meetings Fridays 5:30PM at our
all students interested in media. office in Student Union 071.
www.thestonybrookpress.com
www.thestonybrookpress.com 31

Wind Ensemble
By Jowy Romano
___________
If you are a Stony Brook student,
chances are you have said to yourself,
“There's never anything going on around
campus.” Cheer up: there is more to do
on campus than you think. As you can
see clearly in our Arts section, there are
plays, art gallery openings, concerts, and
other fun events going on every day. One
such event took place this past
Wednesday, November 15th at 8 PM: the
Stony Brook University Wind Ensemble
took to the Staller main stage once again
for their semi-annual concert.
The band, directed by Bruce Engel,
played seven pieces and two encore selec-
tions. They began with Franz Joseph
Haydn's The London Symphony, 1st
movement. This piece has a slow-paced
start and eventually builds up to a pretty
exciting point, making it an interesting
choice for an opener. The band continued
the first half with Roses from the South by
Johann Strauss II. This one seemed to
drag on a bit too long — easily the least-
exciting piece of the night. The band
ended the first half with Overture to the
School for Scandal by Samuel Barber, the
best part of which was an absolutely bril-
liant oboe solo. The piece became quite
epic at its high points, making it quite
possibly the best surprise of the night.
After the intermission, the band came
back with To Honor with Dignity by Jari
Vallanueva, which actually sounded like a
John Philip Sousa march. The best part of
this one had to be the all-too-short glock-
enspiel solo. Next was Carnival of Venice
by Herbert Clark, which featured the
lovely euphonium soloist, DawnMarie
Tardy. As a tuba player myself, I was able
to appreciate her tight execution of the
extremely fast, slurred grace notes pat-
terns throughout the piece. Watching her
on the euphonium was even more inter-
32
Concert Reviews
esting than the piece itself.
Next, the band played the one piece I
was waiting for all night: Overture to
Candide, by Leonard Bernstein (aka God
in my book). The band did a good job
with it; my only complaint is that they
played it a bit too slowly for my taste. To
finish up the program, the band played
Selections from the Phantom of the Opera
by Andrew Lloyd Weber. This one, as I
expected, was pretty awesome. It sound- Jowy Romano
Bruce Engel directing
ed very cinematic, with its overemotional
highs and lows, which was actually
refreshing after the rest of the pieces in the
program. The best part by far, though,
was the gong crashes. Gongs make every-
thing more fun.
After a thunderous ovation, the band
played two extraordinary encores. The
first, Land of Make Believe, was an
incredibly upbeat and fun piece with a
Latin flavor by Chuck Mangione. The
percussion really drove this piece, which
was also a welcome change of pace from
the rest of the program. As if that wasn't
cool enough, the Seawolves' mascot,
Wolfie, made a surprise appearance during
this piece to help get the crowd going.
The second encore/last piece of the night,
to my delight, actually featured the per-
cussion section. U r b a n, by Benoit Jutras Jowy Romano
Soloist, DawnMarie Tardy
was a wildly fun festival of drums, bells,
cymbals, and more.
Even if you don't think you are fan of
classical music, I would highly suggest
checking out a future Wind Ensemble con-
cert. If you are a fan of John Williams'
Star Wars soundtracks or are a fan of
Nobuo Uematsu's Final Fantasy sound-
tracks, like myself, you might be surprised
to find yourself really enjoying the music
our Wind Ensemble plays. Additionally,
as a past member of the Wind Ensemble, I
encourage all of the instrumentalists on
campus to give it a shot. It is a really won-
derful and rewarding experience and,
guess what? It's something to do! Jowy Romano
Wolfie pays a visit!
a couch
www.thestonybrookpress.com

Las Meninas
Sweet costumes!
By Rebecca Kleinhaut
___________
The human race is obsessed with good
scandals. We love a story about illicit love
more than greasy food and sleeping in on
a Sunday. We also secretly love to root for
the underdog in any scandal situation.
However, what happens when the under-
dog is an innocent life, one that is stuck in
the midst of the problems of their forbear-
ers?
This is the dilemma presented in Lynn
Nottage’s play Las Meninas, which cen-
ters about the illicit love affair of Queen
Marie-Therese (Jillian Cross), the wife of
King Louis XIV (Brian Avery), and Nabo
(Andy Lucien), an African dwarf that is
presented to her as a gift. His arriving pur-
pose is to entertain her, but their relation-
ship quickly escalates, resulting in the
birth of their dark-skinned child.
While the general story is relatively
straightforward, there are many different
versions as to what really happened
between the Queen and her entertainer,
and Lynn Nottage’s play does not fail to
leave out many interpretations. There
were a few moments where dialogue was
overlapped and rewound in order to cover
all of these sides. This was never cumber-
some and was extremely informative.
The King and his court were also
extremely well cast. Jillian Cross as
Queen Marie-Therese had a commanding
presence that extended beyond her extrav-
agant wigs and dresses. Her movement
across the stage was unmistakable; she
completely dominated every time she was
on stage. Andy Lucien’s performance as
Nabo alternated nicely between comical,
uplifting, and ultimately heartbreaking.
His translation between emotions allowed
for them to be unleashed at the appropriate
times, with scenes such as his storytelling
and the moment in which he is condemned
Play Reviews
Las Meninas 2
By Daniel Munn which he speaks them entirely suits the
___________ speed of events (and scene changes) within
the play and allows them a convincing place.
Written by Lynn Nottage, directed by Talvin “Let me paint you,” he says, willing to place
Wilks an investment in the slave’s future impor-
Presented by LIPP at the Staller Center for tance. The elements on the stage are drawn
the Arts, Nov 9-18, 2006 from a spectrum of sources ranging from
Home Depot to JCPenney. The raw Depot
On the left side of the stage, entryways materials blend to form a rough but engag-
made of thin fabric and household doors ing environment whereas the more decora-
Adina Silverbush
angle towards the audience; on the right, tive JCPenney duvet struggles to leave the
entryways are walls that will later roll onto halogen lighting of the store. As the overall
being some of the most captivating scenes
the stage. A nun speaks slowly: “This is the action increases it matters less and less
of the play.
true story of the abduction of Marie- whether the accents and scenery exist any-
However, the heartache is well balanced
Therese, the Queen of France.” Music where else outside the play.
with humor. Brian Avery’s King Louis
begins as a group of well-dressed guests The narrator lays out her conspiracy the-
XIV almost always provided some kind of
enters, and the nun continues to narrate. The ory involving a mistress of King Louis’ and
comic relief with his tinny accent and bal-
lighting brings the Queen and the narrator is challenged by the Reverend Mother. The
let dances. Also, La Valliere (Sheilagh
together. I really have no idea what they are loudness and forcefulness of her speech are
O’Loughlin), King Louis’ lover, had a
saying. The narrator apologizes to the Queen no match for “nipple” and “masturbate.”
high-pitched laugh that affected the audi-
for making her distressed. The Queen talks The light coming through the doorway to the
ence’s funny bone every time.
continually, moving on to a new subject interior scene cuts a familiar shape on the
It is also worth mentioning that Andy
every minute, so that both her jokes and her stage. The Reverend Mother is eccentric, yet
Lucien’s height could have posed a prob-
outbreaks of sadness are carelessly spent. her motivation is unclear, and in the dark-
lem had it not been properly managed by
Later in the play she becomes a much more ness of the stage a new scene tries to arrive
the director. Since the part of Nabo called
engaging but dissimilar character. without making a noise. A roundabout dis-
for a dwarf-sized man, Lucien had to stay
A royal scene is set. At cussion begins in which it is
on his knees throughout the entire play.
the left stands a painter suggested that the Queen is
However, the director never tried to hide
wearing leather shoes with pregnant. The convoluted
the fact that Lucien is a regular sized man,
interesting buckles who form of this piece perfectly
and the bottom half of his legs were never
alternates between gesturing complements the setting
covered by means of clothing or set pieces.
with his brush and staring at with its sentences full of sug-
This was a wise choice, for it kept the
his easel. At the right two gestive words.
focus of the play on the story and not on
maids whisper to each other Nabo comes on stage with
the clever means of hiding his height.
and tilt their heads. The dull silk boxers and a phallic
While most of the play follows the
formality of these characters accessory which explodes
Adina Silverbush
chronological path of Marie-Therese and
and that of the other royal Queen Marie and Nabo onto the ground, later to be
Nabo’s love aff a i r, the story is laced
guests suggests an environment of excess swept up by the whispering maids.
together through the eyes of Louise Marie-
where such attendants are always at hand. A Attendants follow royal parties across the
Therese (Odalis Hernandez), their illicit
box at the front of the stage is introduced as stage laughing and gasping in unison, filling
child, who is doomed to spend her remain-
a gift to the Queen and from it the black the air with their presence. The entire royal
ing days married to God in the convent
slave Nabo Sensugali emerges. With the nar- party sits facing the audience. The maids
where she was placed immediately follow-
rator, Nabo the Michael Jackson meets Chris look wonderful fixing the bed in the dark-
ing her birth. Her plight proved to be the
Rock phenomenon delivers a montage of his ness. Jimi Hendrix Chris Rock jumps out of
most wrenching of the ultimately heart-
memories of Africa. On the left side King his bed. The Queen screams in her bed. T h e
breaking tale. Her performance was per-
Louis XIV walks along in one of his mono- narrator is baptized in a bath as royalty
haps the most cathartic as she followed her
logues, a light following him like a train crowd around the Queen’s bed for the birth.
lost parents around in the time before her
track being built in front of a train. A corner King Louis sits with his mistress and
birth, narrating the story until her ultimate
scene is wheeled in at the right in which the other members of royalty at another part of
marriage to God. She is a girl who, had the
Queen and her attendants surround the the stage deciding the fate of the baby while
circumstances been different, would have
Queen Mother as she gives wisdom. Nabo comforts the Queen. The Reverend
been revered. She is royalty, and Odalis’
A point of tension between the King Mother recites, “I am your mother and the
commanding performance never lets the
Louis and Nabo causes the music to cut out Lord is your father,” in a way which will
audience forget that.
and in the next scene the painter shares an sharply contrast with the narrator’s spirited
We love a good scandal. However, Las
understanding word with the slave. He uses last words. “And now I too will be lost to
Meninas skillfully proves that the only
terms like “fart,” “numb,” and “despi’ my history.” The narrator falls at the front of the
people who enjoy a scandal are those who
betta judgment,” and while his words seem stage, her concerns finally come to light and
are not directly involved.
foreign to the play setting, the speed at the lights fade.
www.thestonybrookpress.com 33

Do You Guys Like Coffee? Metalocalypse
By Alex H. Nagler
___________
Every so often, there comes a show that
can be described as truly epic; a show that
warms the hearts of all those who watch it; a
show that makes all other shows look like
total dildos; a show that can only be described
as METAL.
This show is Adult Swim’s Metalocalypse,
chronicling the life and times of Metal
Supergroup and world economic power
“Dethklok.” Full of face-melting riffs, brutal-
ity, and methods of death previously lacking
in cartoons, this show has absolutely every-
thing fans of the metal genre (and those like
myself who are now getting into the genre,
thanks to Dethklok) could ask for.
The Name’s Bond - Casino Royale
Daniel Craig as James Bond
By Andrew Pernick
___________
Daniel Craig was born to play James
Bond. In director Martin Campbell’s movie,
Casino Royale, which depicts 007’s first
assignment, the classic novel by Sir Ian
Flemming, the first in the Bond series, brings
the famous secret agent back to his roots –
gone are the gadgets, the gizmos, the car
chases that defy all laws of traffic safety.
Instead, Casino Royale offers the audience
that which Sir Flemming intended of his MI-
6 agent: a human being of superhuman skills
who, despite the gruesome nature of his
work, retains his humanity.
Craig needed to do the impossible in order
to be Bond – he needed to mix humanity with
cold-heartedness, all while maintaining the
cool aloofness and razor-sharp wit that the
name James Bond carries with it. Craig goes
34
TV Reviews
The stories revolve around the members of
the group: Skwisgaar Skwigelf (lead guitar),
taller than a tree, Toki Wartooth (secondary
guitar), not a bumblebee, William
Murderface Murderface Murderface (bass),
Pickles the Drummer (percussion), doodily
doo ding dong doodily doodily doo, and their
frontman, Nathan Explosion. Combined, they
are Dethklok, a Scandinavian superpower
with a fanatical body of fans willing to sign
pain waivers to attend concerts. These con-
certs are marvels to behold, normally result-
ing in the deaths of dozens of audience mem-
bers (in brutal fashions) and the permanent
maiming of hundreds more. The band has
killed royalty, embezzled from themselves,
and can essentially do whatever they want to
because they are that rich.
Movie Reviews
MGM
above and beyond the call of duty in his act-
ing, showing sides of Bond that no audience
has ever seen before: Bond as a man who can
be emotionally attached to a woman, Bond as
a man who can remove his “armor” and be
the man he was before joining MI-6, Bond
who can be Bond as a man instead of Bond as
a superman.
Eva Green, who plays Treasury agent and
Bond love interest Vesper Lynd (and by love
interest the word love is meant in the most lit-
eral of all senses), shines. Craig and Green
mix like sunshine, spring and picnics – they
are meant for each other. Just as Craig is the
ultimate Bond, the real Bond, the Bond Sir
Ian Flemming intended his secret agent to be,
Green pulls off the task of being as aloof, as
witty, and as charming as Craig’s Bond, all
while retaining a stark sense of reality and a
feline grace. It seems as if Craig and Green
must have fallen in love long before filming
www.thestonybrookpress.com
That is soooo not metal dude...
All the while, the activities of Dethklok are
monitored by a shadowy Council that never real-
ly does anything to stop them, but always talks
about doing something. The background of their
leader is unknown, though it may have some-
thing to do with an ancient Sumerian prophecy
their romantic scenes as the bond (with the
deepest of apologies for the pun) between
them throughout the film is pure movie magic
at its best.
The classic, 1960s Aston Martin DB5, the
quintessential Bond car, makes a guest
appearance, but is soon replaced with a mod-
ern DB9. But, as stated above, the gizmos
and gadgets found in every Bond film since
the mid-1970s are gone, replaced with the
bare minimum a real secret agent would need,
all of which fits in the glove box.
In keeping with Bond films, the villain (or,
in the case of this film, which depicts the
work of a spy as trying to make one’s way
through a labyrinth of untrustworthy back-
stabbers, the main villain) is pure evil. Mads
Mikkelsen is Le Chiffre, banker to the
world’s terrorists. Having recently lost $150
million, he must make it back in a high-stakes
poker tournament held at the Casino Royale
in Montenegro. Bond, in order to ensure that
Le Chiffre fails, enters the tournament, pony-
ing up $10 million of the Queen’s funds,
insured by Lynd, so that Le Chiffre, upon los-
ing, would have two choices: spill his guts
about every terror network everywhere in the
world to MI-6, or be hunted by every terrorist
whose money he has lost. Mikkelsen does
what few other Bond villains have ever done
in playing one: he is subtle, subdued, calculat-
ing, but also reserved and cool. In certain
scenes, it is harder to tell who is the more
Pain
and the Devil.
Metalocalypse is on at 11:45 PM on Sundays,
and all those who miss it are total dildos.
Who let Alex H. Nagler into the Arts
section?
suave character, Le Chiffre or Bond, all
thanks to Campbell’s direction, Craig and
Mikkelsen’s acting, and Neal Purvis and
Robert Wade’s screenplay, which is as faith-
ful to the novel as a 2006 movie based on a
1950s book can be.
Making a spy movie about a poker tourna-
ment is no easy task, and making a Bond
movie about a poker tournament would be
downright impossible, but Campbell’s direc-
tion and Purvis and Wade’s writing, coupled
with the excellent acting of Craig and Green’s
real-as-life interplay turn the impossible into
the best Bond film ever made. One of the
most critical Bond fans, Peter Coleman of
Brooklyn, New York, who can be called a
true expert on all things James Bond, even
went so far as to declare that Daniel Craig is
a better Bond than Sean Connery. While that
point is going to be hotly and fiercely debat-
ed for generations to come, as Bond movie
after Bond movie comes out, two things are
certain: Casino Royale is the best Bond film
ever to be made, reviving a franchise that was
on the brink of death due to implausibility,
and Daniel Craig was born to play James
Bond.
“Casino Royale”
Martin Campbell

This—Pure Gold
By Andrew Pernick
___________
Once upon a time, a mother, a father, two
daughters, a son and their best friend formed a
band named Cecilia. They rocked for years
and years and years, working slowly but
steadily on their first major CD release, This.
Then, the friend went away to start his own
career, with the blessings of the family, leav-
ing them to try and figure out how to rerecord
a CD, from scratch, without one of the key
instruments of rock and roll – a bass guitar. To
say that they succeeded would like saying that
the British just barely squeaked by in their bat-
tle with the French at Agincourt in1415. For
those of you who haven't done your history
reading this semester, let me put it another
way: they faced what would ordinarily seem
to be completely insurmountable odds and
not only won, but p0wn3d.
Now, let us say all that with
names. The Veltz Family,
with father Ken on drums
and practically anything
that has strings, mother
Jeannie on vocals, daugh-
ters Laura as lead vocalist
and Jack-of-all-trades
instrumental and Allison
as lead vocalist and occa-
sional acoustic guitarist,
and son Drew master of the
electric guitar, nee Cecilia, lost their bassist
last winter so that he could “do his own thing.”
They went back to their recording studio and
redid their entire CD, every single song, every
single note, without him.
Having heard their “pre-release” CD,
recorded with their bassist of the time, the
final, this-is-it release, This is so superior that
this reviewer will probably never listen to the
pre-release again. It kicks off with one of the
mellowist, feel-good songs of all time, a song
so powerful in its musical badassery that it
could turn even the most hard-core emo kid
into the happiest person in his neighborhood.
The ultimate song for when one is feeling
even the lightest shade of blue, the opening
track to This, conveniently and aptly titled
“All Right”, is reassurance for the soul, with a
good, long folk jam thrown in to bring the lis-
tener from blue all the way to confident and at
peace.
This also contains the personal anthem to
end all anthems. Anyone who has ever seen
The Veltz Family live in the last two years has
probably heard this song, and “All Right”, but
Music Reviews
they certainly have not heard track nine, “My
Life is Mine”, like this. Progressing from
Allison’s gentle, soothing voice over a lightly
strummed acoustic guitar to an all-out rock
fest, proclaiming “I got a name! A birth date
in time! While I’m in the game, my life is
mine!” as if it is shouted from the rooftops.
This is the song one should get dressed to, use
as a daily affirmation, and live by – it’s a phi-
losophy lesson in four minutes and twenty
seconds of pure musical genius.
The album ends with The Veltz Family’s
signature jam-out song, “Hey”, with all five
members of the family getting their shot at a
solo, be it a rock out on the drums, scat
singing, or the most inventive use of
“Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight” in
recorded form. A song about seeing life from
a third-story window in Astoria, Queens,
“Hey” is a shout to the world. But it’s
also something more: it is an injection of pure,
undistilled, undiluted liquid happiness straight
into the brain. At most shows, there are at
least two people who wind up bouncing up
and down like fools tripping on pure joy to
this song, and the album version bottles that
energy, that need to dance like no one is
watching, even if you suck at it, and delivers it
straight to the soul. If “My Life is Mine” isn’t
a song you feel like waking up and dressing
to, consider using “Hey” as your alarm clock
– it is guaranteed to wake you up happy, boun-
cy, and completely in tune with the soul of the
world itself.
The Veltz Family is also well-known for
their love songs, and no review would be
complete without mentioning a few. Track
three, “C’mon love”, is best reserved as a
pick-me-up for those who are a wee bit impa-
tient with the pace their relationship is moving
along. But it is track seven, “Every Day
Dream”, that is the single best song on the
album, hands down. If this love song, about
having a crush on someone whose name you
don’t even know, doesn’t get you bouncing
and dancing like an idiot, you’re clinically
dead. It’s liquid joy and happiness injected
not only into your brain but also into your
www.thestonybrookpress.com
soul. Dancing like an idiot at the chorus, espe-
cially at the three-minute mark, is absolutely
mandatory if you have life left in you.
The Veltz Family had to do the impossible
to make this album work, and they did more
than that – they poured every ounce of every
gallon of their souls into this CD, producing a
recording that works so well that it is more
addictive than crack, heroin, nicotine, and caf-
feine combined. The Veltz Family’s musical
talent, collectively, is unfair to the rest of the
world as anyone who hears this CD would
most likely be instantly jealous, insanely so.
This, the product of years and years of blood,
sweat and tears, is platinum-gilded Vermeil –
silver covered in gold covered in platinum –
that tugs at every single string in the human
heart.
What one must understand is that The
Veltz Family is truly inde-
pendent and that to produce
This, they had to sell off a great
deal of their own personal posses-
sions, under the belief that “Artists
Make Labels”, instead of the
mainstream trend of labels man-
ufacturing artists. Thus, This is only
available by buying it online at
www.theveltzfamily.com. But This is such
pure brilliance that it outshines all the stars
and all the galaxies in the heavens, and the
modest price of $10 might even get you a per-
sonally-autographed copy (if you act quickly
you can get a signed and numbered edition –
there are still around a hundred or so remain-
ing), making the $10 the best investment you
can ever make. There are no words in any
language, anywhere in any universe, that
truly express The Veltz Family’s brilliance
nor the sheer power and level of musical per-
fection in This. No words suffice, nor will
any, ever, as their talents and the CDs merits
are so strong that one must hear the CD in
order to believe that it even exists. And, like
any drug, one hit and you’re most definitely
hooked. But you won’t need rehab; you will,
however, need someone to stop you from
dancing while you drive should you be listen-
ing to the album while commuting. This is
t3h aw3s0me, music as it should be – a means
of speaking from the heart to the heart, from
the soul to the soul, and it does not disappoint.
To be blunt, buy This now.
“This”
The Veltz Family
Beck—
The Information
By Alex Walsh
___________
(Author’s note: This review was intended
to be accompanied by another concerning the
same album. Sadly, Jake Wallace was too
lazy to complete his side of the bargain. And
I’m too lazy to expand mine to make up for it.
So as you go into this article, I’d like to ask
you to pretend you’ve just read, or intend to
read, an at least semi-coherent review of
Beck’s new release, The Information. Thanks
a bunch.)
I dig it. I dig it a lot. Read Jake’s review for
what may or may not be legitimate musical
critique. This one is mainly going to be excla-
mation points. First I need to say something
that could end with exclamation points. Beck
is good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
Five fingers, yo.
“The Information”
Beck
35

The Killers: Sam’s Town Waterloo to Anywhere
By Jake Wallace
___________
When I heard that The Killers planned to
release a concept album as the follow-up to
2004’s Hot Fuss, I was worried. Hell, I was
petrified. While it would be unfair to say that
The Killers lack “talent” – they can write
hits in their sleep (a talent many artists
would kill for – no pun intended) – they do
lack a certain craft needed to produce a solid
concept album. It was a huge relief, then,
when I first heard Sam’s Town and realized
that it was really more a collection of songs
unified by a loose idea than a strict storyline
being played out over 12 tracks, more Ziggy
Stardust than The Wall.
After my first listen to lead single “When
You Were Young,” I was quite excited to see
what The Killers had cooked up. It was eas-
ily my favorite of their singles to date and
probably one of the best pop-rock singles so
far this millennium. I even went so far as to
think that perhaps The Killers might surprise
everyone and deliver one of the best albums
of the year. Now, had I thought back to the
first time I had heard “Somebody Told Me”
and the subsequent disappointment found in
OK Go... Download Something Worthwhile
By Jessica Cordero
___________
Recently, I reviewed the band OK Go’s
new album, Oh No. It all started with their
newest single, “Here It Goes Again,” and
that addictive treadmill dance on YouTube.
The thing I found is that, aside from the kick-
ass treadmill dance, the band doesn’t bring
anything new to the music scene. Artists
today like OK Go, the Killers, and Franz
Ferdinand (and all of the other mono-tonal,
mod-ish rockers) need to realize that the
music world only needed New Wave once.
36
Music Reviews
Hot Fuss, I might not have been so complete-
ly delusional. Great singles are what The
Killers do; Hot Fuss had four of them, but the
rest of the album had very little else worth
remembering; much the same can be said
about Sam’s Town.
The second single, “Bones,” is a catchy
enough song. Between its well-placed, but
ultimately unnecessary, contributions from a
horn section and Brandon Flowers’ consis-
tently catchy hooks, there’s quite a bit to like.
However, the album’s biggest treat comes
from the rumored-about third single, “Read
My Mind,” the obligatory ballad. The song is
sure to get criticism for containing guitar
parts that sound awfully similar to The
Killers’ breakout smash “Mr. Brightside,”
but in the end, “Read My Mind” proves to be
a much more enjoyably listen than
“Brightside” ever was. Like Hot Fuss’
“Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine” and “On
Top,” Sam’s Town has a few great non-sin-
gles in the form of the title track and “Uncle
Jonny,” an ode to Flowers’ cocaine addict
uncle, who is likely a figure of his imagina-
tion and a tool to aid his songwriting.
Ultimately, Sam’s Town continues The
Killers’ trend of mediocrity. It’s not horrible,
but it’s not great either. It’s better than Hot
F u s s, but it’s still a far cry from the type of
album you’d tell your grandchildren about.
Sam’s Town also continues The Killers’ trend
of writing hit singles you can’t get out of
your head even if you want to… and there’s
a lot to be said for that.
“Sam’s Town”
The Killers
After that the genre becomes Repetitive
Wave, which just wouldn’t sound good in
FYE after the salesperson asks you what
kind of music you’re looking for. The flat,
harmonious singing and lack of a clear and
definitive sound makes this band utterly for-
gettable, although the amount of unwarrant-
ed attention that the once-cool MTV will
give this band because of its YouTube suc-
cess will probably delay that. After the third
run-through of the CD (The Press staffers
review music hardcore), I found myself
humming the tune to Huey Lewis and the
News’ “Hip to be Square”. If you’re bored
www.thestonybrookpress.com
By Stephanie Hayes
___________
The appeal of the Libertines was the
combination of co-frontmen Carl Barat
and Pete Doherty. Carl had the catchy
hipster appeal and Pete was the beautiful
nihilist. Now that they’ve gone their sep-
arate ways, their cult status has ensured
that both offspring bands will survive, but
are either of the two really great? I’m still
torn on Doherty’s Babyshambles, but I
will concede that Carl’s new band Dirty
Pretty Things has presented a commend-
able effort. While there’s certainly noth-
ing distasteful about their debut Waterloo
to Anywhere, it’s clear to the rabid
Libertines fan that a key ingredient is
missing.
This is an album of short, catchy, and
cynical tracks. Most lyrics remain charm-
ing, such as “Wondering,” where Barat
strolls on, “all bangered and confused,”
but the underlying sentiment is rather
depressing. He wants the listener to know
that he’s a down-and-out guy. He suffers
sleepless nights, avoiding the “syco-
phants,” “doctors and dealers.” He throws
and looking for something good to listen to,
Huey Lewis and the News is it. That was a
band with a singer and a sound, and a song
that went somewhere. Call me crazy, but
shouldn’t songs have a beginning, middle,
and an end? Not a singer whose voice is
indistinct over the mindless, driving tune of
a song that just doesn’t go anywhere
(because, hell, the band needs to be famous
now, and why bother with drum lessons or
knowing more than three chord progres-
sions?). The News had a distinctive sound
that couldn’t be mistaken for half a dozen
other bands, and they still remain unique to
an overt punch at Doherty in “Bang Bang,
You’re Dead,” claiming he gave his former
bandmate “the Midas touch/ Oh you
turned ‘round and scratched out my heart.”
The formula used on every song is simple:
world-weary lyrics and catchy hooks. The
melodies, although infectious, are hardly
original. The Libertines were once lauded
as Britain’s answer to the Strokes because
Barat sounds identical to Julian
Casablancas. That comparison is spot-on
now that Pete Doherty’s higher, unsteady
voice isn’t there to even out Barat’s. Pete
Doherty might sound crazier and more
strung-out than ever with Babyshambles,
but at the least the occasional spark of bril-
liance shines through. To be perfectly
frank, nothing stands out with Dirty Pretty
Things. Their debut suggests that they’re
nothing special.
It’s been nearly two years since the
Libertines called it quits. Doherty’s band
Babyshambles continues to be hit or miss.
Dirty Pretty Things is consistent, but that
may not be saying much. Waterloo to
Anywhere still captures London’s gritty
nightlife but is missing the strange allu-
sions to Albion and Arcadia. It’s missing a
voice capable of reaching a different range
and surprising the listener in any way.
This debut shows that Barat lacks the
charisma and random touch of genius pos-
sessed by most great musicians. But hey,
at least he’s capable of consistency.
“Waterloo to Anywhere”
Dirty Pretty Things
this day. If you’re looking for a pop sound
that still rocks, and something catchy and
unique to hum on the way to Geology, then I
suggest you download (or buy... because roy-
alties are awesome) anything by Huey Lewis
and the News. Now, we have a rating system
around here, and OK Go, I am not going to
give you any middle fingers, but I’ll show
you one.
“Oh No”
OK Go
www.thestonybrookpress.com 37
 Top 99 Satires that Irv and Joe
Never Got Around to Writing
1. Dumb Clumsy Janitor Cures Cancer 53. Islam Found Not to be Synonymous With Terrorism; Free Republic
2. Man Finally Finds His Keys Founder Jim Robinson Loses the Will to Live
3. Moon Accused of Stealing the Sun’s Thunder 54. Mel Brooks Discovers It’s Good to be the King; King Kong Argues
4. RSP Field Unit Realizes He Doesn’t Have to Check Phones Twice Otherwise
5. Doug Realizes Everything Doesn’t Turn Out All Right After All 55. Doogie Howser Sued by Dr. House, Stating “He’s a Punk Bitch”;
6. Researchers Claim Clarissa Doesn’t Explain It All Howser Challenges House to Schoolyard Brawl
7. Still No Proof of the Existence of ‘Rugrats’; Scientists Baffled 56. Admin Embraces New Plan to Rip Off Students
8. Humans Declared Sacred by Hindu Cows 57. Frat Boy Gives Up Partying One Night to Study for Midterm
9. FDNY Plan to Fight Fire with Fire Causes More Fires 58. Democrats Try to Make Abortion More Friendly to Kids By Releasing
10. Roommate Announces Three Point Plan to Make a Sandwich New Comic: “Abortion Man and the Gilded Coat Hanger of Truth”
11. Homosexual Agenda Discovered: Make the U.S. Fabulous 59. Illegal Immigrants Complain Rednecks Are Stealing Their Jobs
12. In Wake of Katrina, U.S. Declares War on Hurricanes 60. Government Scraps Plan for Security Fence; Replaces it with Airtight
13. Toilets in Iraq Renamed to “Saddams” Dome Around United States
14. Iranian President Denies Existence of Fall of the Roman Empire, 61. Bush Refused to Give Timetable for Next Presidential Election; “We
Inquisition, Crusades, American Revolution, World Wars I and II, the Will Not Give the American People a Chance to Wait and Vote Me Out
Cold War, 9/11, the Iraq War, the 3rd Dimension, and the “Heliocentric of Office”, Says Bush
Theory” 62. Bush Proposes Bill to Make Himself Emperor
15. Stuff Sold At SBU Dining Halls Mysteriously Replaced with Food 63. Bush Announces Plan to Eliminate Habeas Corpus, Believing it to be a
16. U.S. Makes Alaska a Sovereign Nation; Declares War to Deter Disease Related to Cooties
Dependence on Foreign Oil 64. Experts Explain to W What Habeas Corpus Is; Bush Pushes Plan to
17. U.S. Uses Eminent Domain to Acquire Canada and Mexico to Create End Habeas Corpus into Overdrive as a Result
the United Hemisphere of America 65. Bush Puts Americans into Camps for Their Own Protection
18. Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Stings Child with Sweetened Whole Grain 66. Bush Suspends Habeas Corpus, Claiming It’s Been a Bad Boy
Oats – Child in Coma from Allergic Reaction 67. FEMA Officials See The Day After Tomorrow; Rush to New York Only
19. Scooby Doo Ghosts Found to be Drug-Induced Hallucinations to Find It’s a Movie
20. A Defeated G.I. Joe Now Exclaims that Knowing is Not Half the Battle 68. Saliva Found to Cause Stomach Cancer
21. Bruce Campell Finds Coffee Too Bland; Demands Waitress to “Gimme 69. Bush Finds Bill of Rights to be Interesting Fiction
Some Sugar, Baby” 70. Frats and Sororities Rejoice as Beer Pong is Declared an Olympic
22. Zombie Union Demands More “Uhhhhhhhh….” Sport
23. Government Doesn’t Remember What Disease They Were Using to 71. Peter Pan Gives Michael Jackson False Directions to Neverland, stat
Scare the People ing “It’s the Third Star to the Left”
24. Government Misplaces Cure for AIDS; Claim Foul Play by Gremlims 72. Blogger Doesn’t Notice He Had the Caps Lock On; Claims He Wasn’t
25. Red States Declare War on Blue States; War Slated to Not be Civil Really That Excited
26. Smurfette Revealed to be in Drag All Along 73. Bush Seeks to Ban Gays from Voting to Protect the Sanctity of Diebold
27. Government Blames Avian Bird Flu on “Fowl Play”; People Not 74. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Gets Eaten; Carl Claims Food Poisening
Amused 75. Redneck Discovers that Chinese People Aren’t the Only Asians in the
28. Scientists Announce Plan to Shoot Garbage into Space, Claiming World
There’s No More Room in Staten Island 76. Child Exclaims “Huuk’d on da Fonix Didint Werk’d 4 Me”
29. Mad Cow Disease Downgraded to Slightly Annoyed Cow Disease 77. Judge Sentences Video to Life in Prison for Killing the Radio Star
30. Dr. Mario Revealed as a Fraud; Actually a Plumber 78. Administration Proposes to Build a Fountain in H Quad; Housing Prices
31. Governor Schwarzenegger Revealed to be Cybernetic Politician from Raised to $20,000 a Semester
the Future 79. Quadruple Amputee Cannot Afford Arm and Leg Tuition Prices
32. John Kerry’s Purple Hearts Burst into Flames After Comment About 80. Corn Bread… ain’t nothin’ wrong wit dat!
Soldiers in Iraq 81. Ann Coulter Found to be Head Dungeon Mistress At Gitmo
33. “Halp Us Jon Carry” Soldiers Believed Their Sign Contained Perfect 82. Martha Stewart Says “S/M is the New Orange. It’s a Good Thing.”
Grammar 83. Lack of News Causes Newspapers to Print Drivel, Such as “Top 99
34. Senator John McCain Angry With Kerry for Stealing His Joke Satires that Joe and Irv Never Got Around to Writing”
35. “Halp Us Jon Carry” Poster Actually a Plea from Homesick Soldiers 84. Teacher Has Sex With Student Over the Age of Consent; Classmates
36. John Kerry Has Vietnam Flashback During Speech; Republicans Jealous
Attack Him for Being Against the PTSD 85. Ann Coulter Meets Arch-nemesis Bizarro Ann Coulter; Looks
37. Goat in Tibet Has Horrific Nightmare Suspiciously Like Michael Moore
38. Administration Building Expresses Need for More Fountains; “27 Isn’t 86. SWAT Saves Beautiful, Blond-haired, Blue-eyed Girl; Only 73 Civilians
Enough”, Says Kenny Killed in the Crossfire… This Time
39. SSK Announces Plan to Charge Students for Air 87. Moose Found Taking a Dump in Poland Spring
40. Galaxies Discovered By Hubble Space Telescope Revealed to be 88. Artist Plays Practical Joke by Painting a Tunnel on a Wall; Causes 24-
Astronaut’s Snot Car Pileup
41. Two-Year-Old Lost in Grocery Store; Parent Doesn’t Give a Damn 89. Man Purchases Truck Only to Find It’s the Leader of the Autobots
42. Congress Debates Ban on Post-Birth Abortion 90. Rapper Ice T Sues Tea Farmers Over Name
43. Joe Safdia Delivers the World a Message: “Kill Yourselves” 91. Terror Hijacking Involving Nerf Guns Foiled by Group of Children
44. Stony Brook Press Discovers 99 More Diseases You Can Get From Wielding Bigger Nerf Guns
Alex Walsh; A Bitch Still Found Not to be One 92. Room Full of Monkeys with Typewriters by Chance Writes Issue of The
45. Zombies Fear Outbreak of Lethal Human Virus Stony Brook Press; Wins Pulitzer Prize
46. FDA Approves New T-Virus 93. Stereotypical Horror Movie High School Found; Youngest Student is
47. Students Express their Apathy with a Heartfelt “Meh” Age 27, a Blond Slut, and Slashed to Ribbons
48. Sonic the Hedgehog Discovered to be Way Past Cool Genetic 94. Masked Supernatural Serial Killer Saves Black Guy for Last
Experiment Gone Wrong 95. Secret Message Found on the U.S. Constitution Reads: Made in China
49. SSK Announces New Vending Machines to Serve Baby, Stating “It’s 96. Terror Detainees Held at Roosevelt; Government Denies Torture
the New Veal” Accusations at “Rotmo”
50. Bush Gets Confused and Declares War on America 97. Bush Gives 2007 State of the Union in Tongues
51. U.S. Declares War on Terrorstan 98. Roommate Announces He Has Completed Sandwich
52. Non-Muslims Commit Act of Terror; Homeland Security Baffled 99. Joe and Irv Say, ”Fuck This!”; Give Up Satires and Write Serious News Stories

38 www.thestonybrookpress.com
 Point
“Shampoo is better”

Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Seriously dude, no

split ends for me. And it’s so healthy and strong. If you just used sham-
poo, no one would take issue with it. Shampoo is so great. You can just
use shampoo and still feel clean. It removes the accrued natural oils.
Which is good for you. Can conditioner do that? I thought not. When
you’ve got five minutes before work, can you use conditioner? I thought
not. This isn’t some glamorous world of fashion runways and stick-figure
models. This is the world of the nine-to-five. Quit being an arrogant
cocksucker. Use shampoo. It’s much better for you.

Counter-Point
“Conditioner is better”

Oh, really, fool? Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and
smooth. Supermodels use conditioner. Do you want to be a supermodel?
Then stop assuming that shampoo is sufficient. If you want hair that has
volume and bounce, use conditioner. If you want to turn some heads, use
conditioner. If you want some niceass hair, the kind people run their
hands through and are all “Yeah, that’s purty” to, then use conditioner.
Shampoo is nice, we’re not saying it’s not, but conditioner is waaaay bet-
ter.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 39
death egg zone