Rash :

Aquarius
20 January 18 February

Starving yourself does not help you lose weight. In fact, it can be very detrimental to your health.
You ask any dead person and theyll say: Yep, thats right, Im very thin! Although you never
really felt like you made a difference yesterday, your kind words and understanding made the
world spin 0.0001% faster for approximately 3 nano-seconds

Scorpio
24 October 21 November
Your ideas are plentiful, but are your plenties ideaful? Other bullshit may come your way today.
When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as youll
need it sometime around 4pm. Your nature may give you a day off this week as you brutally
attack the guy whos been purposefully pissing you off for the last year.

Taurus
20 April 20 May
Your appetites may diminish today as you fall into a vat of gravy with no inside ladder. You have
a personality that makes people smile, and that is worth exploiting today in any way you see fit.

Libra:
Your life may seem boring compared to others, however, you *do* have a nice car. The next
word you hear may cause you to rush into a blind rage. Please think before acting too rashly
with a potato masher. God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance.

View mayonnaise with an incredibly critical eye today. Consider yourself warned. Some good
stuff might happen to you today, but it wont matter if you dont take the advice on the mayo.


Hats have always looked good on you. Yes, today is definitely a hat day. Go hat! You should
focus on all the positive things that have happened over the past few years. This will help you
overcome the incredible setbacks which are coming in the next few weeks. Accusing your
friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after losing a wacky race.

Gemini:
Tomatoes can be your best friend go Red for the day. * This horoscope is not sponsored by
Heinz, or the Communist Party. Today is another day, and all can be well both here and in
Denmark. Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five
stitches.



Pisces
19 February 20 March
Even in the darkest places you can find yourself although you may break your nose on a door.
Something will stir your memory today and it may take a few hours for you to resolve your sense
of deja vu.

Today's mishaps will come in the shape of a toad, whilst salvation will come in the shape of a
large truck. There's a future in toad-jam, by the way, if you're at all interested. It tastes lousy but
makes a really good insect repellent. Believe everything you read today. You gullibility may
cause you problems later this week.

Did you happen to see a film called "Creepy Creatures of The Night"? It wasn't a good film. This
week is your own personal "Creepy Creatures of The Night". Gift horses always happen to
those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope is: expect a gift horse.

Eating well will dominate your life over the coming fortnight as you try hard to keep your liver
from imploding. Combovers will suddenly attract you this week as you attempt to get a hospital
appointment for an eye problem.

The rate of absorption into your skin will increase three fold today as Mars combined with
Jupiter to create... well, whatever is created to allow for that. I suppose. The best way to undo
your mistakes is to stand up, take a good look around, and then shout "Sorry chaps! Today has
been one almighty mess and I'm very much to blame. If you need to give anyone a good
kicking, I'm your person. Please form a queue, there will be no velvet rope so no pushing.
Thank you.".

Today may seem like an extraordinary opportunity to get even with the world, but the world may
have different ideas. A hairy back may trouble you this week, especially if it's not your hairy back
that's in question.

The newspaper will become a source of great amusement this week as an article tickles your
fancy in almost every way. A flurry of exclamation marks will come back to haunt you later this
month as an email comes true.

Terrible news is headed your way - the best way to save your sanity is by implicating as many
people as possible in your demise. By agreeing to read this horoscope you may be bringing on
yourself several levels of suffering and/or pleasure. If you agree to this, please stop reading
now. Or carry on, depending on whether you're willing to take that chance. Accusing your
friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after losing a "wacky race".

Today might find you requiring a move of the left-hand and right-hand side speakers or
earphones you use to listen to music. Test yourself today, let go of your fears and grasp the
nettle with both hands. Just because people laugh at you doesn't make you a comedian.

If you keep repeating it, it might come true. Wednesday will be a good day for you this month,
but which Wednesday in particular is up to you.

Many of your charms will leave you today, and you will be left feeling hollow and dumb.
Clutching your heart and complaining that your arm hurts is quite a mean thing to do when
trapped in a lift for 2 hours.

Today will be fraught with exciting wonderment and thrills for at least somebody you know. When
asked if you're OK today, you may feel tempted to respond with physical violence.

This week is going to be a series of ups and downs. Mostly downs, but also mostly ups. Ambani cannot
be expected to turn up at your convenience. However, he will usually leave a calling card asking you
to re-arrange a visit.

Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number
does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella". It's marvellous. No, really, it is absolutely marvellous. You'll
see. Always meet people you met on the internet in a dark place, preferably a graveyard or a disco.

Duty calls, and your duty is to make people aware that you are not who they think you are. Nor are
they who they think they themselves are. Giraffes are one of natures most bizarre creatures. Whilst
this may seem like a "fact" out of the blue, you'll soon see the relevance over the coming fortnight.
Your learning may give you cause to grieve today as you are unable to stop local flooding using
trigonometry alone.


When things are looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that
doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. I give you permission to do what you want to, today.
Today might surprise you by quickly changing the colour of the clouds perhaps for up to 10 seconds.

Terrible things will happen to someone you hate today. You may feel joyous. Any beer consumed
tonight may come back to haunt you, possibly in the form of a dead comedian or Raju Shrivastav.

Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today. Homeopathic treatments are not generally carried out
by psychopathic people. I'm not entirely sure you know that the 'pathic' part of those two words
doesn't mean that they're related.
The odds on you surviving the day with your sanity intact are low. Position yourself well, for the
revolution is almost here. Try to avoid being too close to walls.

It all used to be so much easier, but with age you're finding certain things much more difficult. You
have achieved what most of us only dream about - you are a star. Tomorrow will bring fresh
excitement and vigour to your otherwise dull self.

Your tendencies may get you into trouble today. Or it might just be a day like every other day. All that
you are may be called into question today when someone calls you a "sissy". The odds that you'll
escape today without a serious injury, are incalculable.

Your ideas are plentiful, but are your plenties ideaful? Other bullshit may come your way today.
Mythology states that all kinds of crazy crap happened. You believe that, don't you? That's why your
here. Please pay at the exit. Sandwiches often seem harmless until they force their way into your
stomach and start screaming and banging.

Put your mental abilities to the test today and try to figure out how best to spend the money you have
in a non-frivolous way. All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to
do in public again".

The size of your shoes indicates that you are unlikely to fall over in a mild earthquake. Today might
surprise you by quickly changing the colour of the clouds perhaps for up to 10 seconds.


Dressing as a feline may give others cause for concern today. Gifts can be given and received at the
same time, but fights can start over the simplest of things.

Don't let others stifle your creativity. It's alright to make paintings out of their droppings. Since last
month you have been finding it harder and harder to have fun. This month may see a big change.

The Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend's money does not exist. Dentist's teeth are not
always as great as you'd think. Next time you're in the chair, instead of looking at the ceiling or down
the nurses' top, have a good look inside the dentist's mouth. You'll be surprised and shocked.

Tantalising new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. Many things that
people say over the coming days will appear nonsensical, but may start to make sense towards the
end of the week.

Hair can be red. Hair can be blue. You have some hair. And I have some too. It's one thing to pick
your nose, but did you notice that your colleague always wipes it in the same place under his desk?
Check there when he's not looking - there's a rotting mound of snot just waiting to fall off onto his
foot. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room whilst the "adults" discuss your
situation. This week, make sure you are one of the "adults".


Every reason you have for doing what you did, is sound. Be grateful that you have a good network of
friends and family. Drunken idiots are usually a good way of entertaining yourself whilst you're waiting
for public transport.

In a world full of people like yourself, who cares if you want to behave like an orangutan? Damage To
The Central Nervous System - a phrase you're going to be hearing a lot over the coming days.

Can you be held responsible for everything you *don't* do? Who knows. It's never too late to do that
thing you always wanted to do. You know - the THING. The thing? You know. Jesus himself could not
have done a better job than you will do today. Although Jesus would probably have a better idea of
the correct tenses to use in the previous sentence.

Holiday, it would be so nice...to be on holiday. So why not go for it? One man cannot make himself
into an army of super-strength midgets. No matter what his budget. With all you've been through you
should be glad that this week will actually come to a close.

Distinguished guests will honour you today with their presence. Waiting for important email will take
precedent over waiting for junk mail for the first time today. Although you will still be interested when
you get an email declaring "Mayawati and Mulayam are allies!!1". Although similes can often be used
as humorous ways to compare something that is banal to something that is funny, you are neither
cunning nor weasel like, and it would be best if you left the comedy to the comedians.


Wake up, wash your face, change your pants. Life needs a good "start" routine, make this YOURS.
Thinking and driving at the same time can be hazardous for you today. Sing a song inside and to hell
with the dark clouds that await you.


Gambling is something that may get the better of you, shortly. Remember, gambling doesn't always
mean forfeiting money but can also take the form of running an amber light, crossing the road when it
appears to be safe, and not having medical insurance. These 3 "gambles" may occur to you, and
others around you, simultaneously. Don't believe anything you read today. Dismiss this horoscope at
your peril.


If you don't wear glasses now, the chances are that you're going to need to after an upcoming sports
accident. Nutrition will play a major part of your life for the next week. Take everything you've got and
run like the wind. Bad things are afoot. I mean, can't you smell it?


Terrible news is headed your way - the best way to save your sanity is by implicating as many people
as possible in your demise. Any joke you have to seriously think about today is not worth 'getting'.

You don't have the right to tell anyone what to do, no matter how much you've lived through or how
much you earn. Be playful at heart and you'll reap the reward of having more friends under the age of
10.

Terrible news will filter through to you later today. Office politics may cause problems for you today if
you arrive with a comedy tie. You may think later this month that your computer has been hacked by
some 12 year old American girl. However, you will soon come to realise that actually a family pet has
chewed through the cord of your mouse.

I sense a feeling of delight in you. By agreeing to read this horoscope you may be bringing on yourself
several levels of suffering and/or pleasure. If you agree to this, please stop reading now. Or carry on,
depending on whether you're willing to take that chance. Dogs will find themselves inexplicably
attracted to your shins, this week.

You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make
clear. Do what you feel is right in your heart. Applying yourself to your work may be the only way you
can crush the thoughts that rampage through your ill-mind.


Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8
glasses a day with that track record? Your favourite colour will today start to look a little different. If
you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings you are likely to fall flat on your arse.

Many of the people you admire are going to have incredible fortune this week. It turns out that the
anti-stalking court orders they've filed against you are completed. Hilarity may ensue this week if you
decide to hire a clown on Thursday night. You have achieved what most of us only dream about - you
are a star.

Testing your ability to walk on water should be done at the beach, not in the middle of the atlantic.
This is just an analogy to some part of your life which is not entirely clear to me. One of the things
you've always liked about life is how seemingly lucky you are. Expect big changes this week, you
snob.


Your sporting life will keep you in good stead for the summer olympics. Love: 80%. Money: 45%. Life:
12%. Happiness: 30%. The Spoof: 100%.





Rosh

Part 1
Taurus
Babies are not meant to be sugared or par-boiled. Parenting classes may be important to someone
close to you. The future holds much joy and happiness for someone close to you. But not you. Oh no,
you're screwed.
Falling in love is an absolute blessing and will fill your life with sugar plums, fairies and pretty
flowers. Curvy, gorgeous, lascivious...my last 3 "Words of the day" that landed in my inbox. For you
they will be associated with nothing.

Gemini
Speak up early today -- you can tell things are heading in the wrong direction. It might not be a
total catastrophe, but you'll end up feeling pretty weird if you don't try to change course. Kindred
spirits and shared tastes could open up new opportunities and connections. Don't hesitate to
link up with someone who's on your same wavelength when it comes to style and fashion.
Finally, take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you see nothing, be open to the
possibility you may be a vampire. Avoid silver bullets.

Cancer
You want to make a big change in your life, appearance or schedule, and while it might not be
all that easy to pull off, if anyone can do it, it's you! Think it through and do it right. Your mother
will be proud of you. The cigarette burn mark on your arm may fade over the coming days and will be
replaced by a tattoo of a young lady swathed in roses. In the ironically immortal words of the Mortal
Kombat voiceover guy: Finish Him!

Leo
Whilst we are not all superhuman, some of us are at least able to go to sleep without pissing ourselves
in the night. If you want to ride your bicycle, then by all means do it. But I refuse to be held
responsible for any consequences. A chance encounter with someone you hate will leave you feeling
bitter and angry today. Telling tales is pretty much what keeps me going. How about you?

Virgo
Tax will start to upset you later this week as recriminations begin. You will feel an overwhelming
desire to kiss everyone in sight today. You must decide how to continue. The randomness of the
universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks like your nose.

Libra
Dance like a madman, win the respect of colleagues and foes. You are a beautiful creature - don't let
any other pretty bitch tell you otherwise. Nutrition will play a major part of your life for the next week.

Scorpio
You should focus on all the positive things that have happened over the past few years. This will help
you overcome the incredible setbacks which are coming in the next few weeks. Having a secret
agenda is all very good, but posting it on your blog/company intranet is NOT advisable. Until the time
comes where you are able to do something about it, defer all your anger to the television shows you
waste your life watching.

Sagittarius
This horoscope may destruct in 10 seconds. You may become a danger to yourself this week,
especially if you plan to surgically implant spikes on the ends of your fingers. You're single. So what
are you doing reading this when you could be out there having fun? Go let your hair down.

Capricorn
Your luck has finally run out this week and everything comes out in the open. Damnation awaits you
from every angle. Your only hope is to provide mankind with the cure for greed. Paper can cut, and
words can hurt. Which is why you should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox - preferably
whilst still in the postman/woman's hands.

Aquarius
Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. "Hunky-dory" - a beautiful phrase that
will sum up the day, week and month for you. You see, it's just going to be tip-top from here-on-in
and the smile on your face is going to bug the living hell out of everyone. To make yourself feel
beautiful, hug a tree, kiss a baby, read a classic, and then take a long train journey. After that, you'll
still be an ugly bugger, but you'll be so tired you won't even care.

Pisces
Breaking out of your shell is best done sooner than later. The army has always held a fascination for
you. Today might be a day where new things start to happen. Dogs can be a man's best friend or a
woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend, or a cat's best friend. Dogs are totally
flexible.

Aries
Testing your ability to walk on water should be done at the beach, not in the middle of the atlantic.
This is just an analogy to some part of your life which is not entirely clear to me. One of the things
you've always liked about life is how seemingly lucky you are. Expect big changes this week, ya
jammy wanker.


Part 2

Aries
Your ability to think up lies on the spot may be challenged this week. Don't be afraid to run really fast
- problems will catch up, but at least you've given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit
explanation. All that you are may be called into question today when someone calls you a "nancy".
This week is going to be one of those "trials by fire" type nightmares that happen every so often. I
wish I could give you more details but then you'd have no good reason to return over the coming
days, would you? The likelihood is that you're going to feel very miserable about it and for a few days
you might sport a "pout" that could actually win awards.

Taurus
Don't believe anything you read today. Friends have always tried to convince you of your madness,
but never more so will that be true than this coming weekend. Continually turning around in a circle is
not a good way to avoid seeing the horrors you have created. Your life is a mess, now stop getting
dizzy and sort it out.

Gemini
The newspaper will become a source of great amusement this week as an article tickles your fancy in
almost every way. The good and the great come together today and miss you entirely during all their
endeavours. Which is a bit sad, really. Position yourself well, for the revolution is almost here. Try to
avoid being too close to walls.

Cancer
Halitosis can be very painful, especially if the person with bad breath is trying to spell the word
"halitosis" in a confined space. If you think you've got problems today, just wait until tomorrow! Today
is a series of blunders that follow each other.

Leo
Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this week as they find out about your recent lottery
luck. This week may turn out to be a complete waste of all your time and efforts. Contemplate leaving
your current situation at once.

Virgo
Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're put through the mill and emerge
victorious. The colour blue will give you cause for resentment today. Whilst bad things can happen in
quick succession, it takes an absolute genius to screw up an entire life within 30 minutes.

Libra
The long and winding road will not necessarily lead you to Paul McCartney. Which really should be a
good thing, other than the fact that the man's got millions and could make you into an international
superstar. If you think you've been harshly treated, please feel free to contact me.

Scorpio
Cats are your "animal of the day", which is a new one on us. We always thought cats were the evil
creatures who sit on other people's doorsteps and hiss at you when you walk past. I mean, don't get
us wrong, we like cats but there are some that just "ain't right". Anyway, that's by-the-by because
cats are absolutely the best thing that could happen to you today. Although with the day you're going
to have, you'll need all the help you can get. Oh sorry, here I am rattling
on about cats when you're in mortal danger! Sorry, run out of space now to tell you all the details.

Sagittarius
You have your Southern folk. And you have your Northern folk. Which you are is probably not of
consequence, because you're stranger than most. You do look remarkably fetching today, and I'd like
to offer you a fish supper. Repetition may annoy you today as someone close by tells you the same
damned story over and over again.

Capricorn
Congratulations may be in order this week. Dentist's teeth are not always as great as you'd think.
Next time you're in the chair, instead of looking at the ceiling or down the nurses' top, have a good
look inside the dentist's mouth. You'll be surprised, shocked or intimidated. Moving house is very
stressful. Not that I'm saying that's what you're doing or even planning to do. But it is stressful, you
have to agree.

Aquarius
Places like Megacity and Coolopolis don't exist... but they do, inside the head of the person who's
stood nearest to you right this second. When opening the door for a stranger, take care to notice any
loose change that they may drop so that you can slam the door in their face, grab the money, and
then run for dear life. If some things start to appear impossible, it may be time to invent robots.

Pisces
Reading through a dictionary is the least effective way to learn more about the world. Get out there!
Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Today is a day like any
other, try not to expect too much from this segment of 24 hours.